Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

# How I wish that it was snowing now

# I don't feel like going home now

# I wish that I could stay

GUITAR RIFF

Is that all right?

Oh, it looks lovely.

You've done a brilliant job, Alan.

Aye, no bother.

Can I get my Magnum now?

People are going to start arriving soon.

And plus we've still got all this stuff from the Christmas market to put out.

Oh, aye.

What are they? They're just wee traditional German gingerbready things.

They look brilliant, though, don't they?

Do you want to try one? Aye, go on.

What do you think?

Are you putting Doritos out as well?

DOOR BELL RINGS

Hiya.

Hi, Michelle.

How you doing? So good to see you.

What's with all the lights?

Is it Christmas or something?

Well, I think your house looks absolutely lovely.

It puts ours to shame.

Oh, I like yours.

It's that wee bits of tinsel you've got at the front there on your hedge?

Oh, no, it's just some crisp bags we've no had the chance to pick out yet, Michelle.

Come in.

There you go.

Oh, thank you.

Hi, Alan.

All right, Eric, hi.

Hi, Beth. Merry Christmas.

Oh, merry Christmas, Alan.

Thanks for inviting us.

Ah, no bother, Beth.

Thought we deserved a wee get-together.

Party season, Michelle. Oh, ah-ha.

I had my worst night out last night. Oh, aye. What did you get up to?

Quite traditional, Eric.

Big curry then up to the pole dancing.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that.

You sit yourselves down.

DOORBELL RINGS

Coming.

Merry Christmas!

Well, it is now.

Yeah, you're looking lovely, Michelle.

Oh, thanks, Colin.

And so do you, Kathy.

Eh?

Oh, aye, so she does.

Here, I love your wee reindeers there.

Oh, thank you.

They're so cute, aren't they?

Oh, beautiful animals, reindeer.

You ever eaten one?

What?

Colin loves his meat, Michelle.

OK, everybody, we're here!

Hiya, folks.

Hiya, Kathy, hi, Colin!

Take Cathy's coat, will you, Alan.

Thanks, Alan.

Oh, you big, chunky monkey.

Here's a wee bottle for you, Michelle.

Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

You are kind. Oh, what's this?

Oh, that's just in case, you know,

you don't have any in the hoose.

You cannae have a Christmas party without a wee bit of mistletoe.

Well, I suppose not, eh?

I'll kiss anyone except Eric.

Right, who's ready for a wee drinky poos?

Me. Oh, yes.

Shall we start with a wee glass of something fizzy? Woohoo.

Oh, that would be lovely, aye. Can I get a cider?

No, you're getting them.

So, er you're looking forward to Christmas then?

Oh, aye, we're just going to have a lazy day, aren't we, Cath?

Oh, yeah.

Who can be arsed getting up at 8am to open presents?

Oh, that's my favourite bit. I love a surprise.

Well, no pressure, Eric.

No, I've got it all sorted.

What are you getting her?

A blender.

Here we are.

Thank you.

Thanks, Michelle.

So you're staying at home for Christmas, then?

What are yous doing for Christmas dinner?

Getting a Chinese. A Chinese?

Wow! Aye.

We've got a voucher from The New City.

Aye, they're doing a Christmas banquet. It's five courses. Er, six.

If you include the litre of Pepsi.

Eric. Oh, lovely, thank you.

Oh, cheers. Right, well, thank you so much for coming.

Aw. Cheers.

Cheers. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

DOORBELL RINGS

Get that, would you, Alan?

Is it OK? Oh, it's lovely, aye. Very good.

Hi, Al. Hi, Christine. How are you doing?

Aye, no' bad, son. Are you coming in?

No, I'm going round the doors singing fucking carols.

Of course I'm coming in.

Ah! Ah! Christine.

Hello, Michelle. Are you all right, Christine?

Hello, everybody. Hello, Christine. Hiya, Christine.

All right, Christine, ready to party?!

That's me just back from the chapel.

Father DeMarco gave Pat another wee mention,

so it was quite emotional.

How long's that been now?

Two months, three weeks come Tuesday since she passed.

Quite a milestone.

Oh, Christine, I remember the first Christmas after my granny died.

Remember that, Alan?

Aye, that dragged on right through to New Year.

I don't know how I'll be without her.

Every Christmas morning, for 28 years,

we were on the phone to each other...

..except for 2005 when she got that fucking cordless Sanyo.

You must really miss her. I do, Michelle.

I still feel her presence in the house sometimes.

Do you?

Though it could be the smell of fags aff that anorak

she left at the bottom of my stairs.

Well, listen, would you like a drink of something, Christine?

We're all on the prosecco.

Aye. Yeah.

I'm no' sure about that.

It just wouldnae feel right.

Oh, come on, you can have something, though.

Like what?

Well, what would Pat have had?

Aye, you're right.

I'll take a can of Stella and a large Jack Daniels and Coke.

Was church busy?

Oh, it was, Beth, yes.

I had to take my stick to make sure I got a seat down the front.

I love church at Christmas.

So do I, Michelle.

That one next to the Santander is beautiful.

That's a Wetherspoons, is it not?

It is, Eric, yeah.

Father DeMarco has asked me, seeing as I'm now one of his regulars,

if I would like to do a wee reading at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.

Ah! Oh, that's a nice thing to do, Christine.

Oh, it is, Beth.

Busiest night of them all.

They're talking about a row of Portaloos being brought in

to deal with the crowd that comes straight from the pub.

Christine. Well, listen, help yourself to a wee nibble.

Oh, these look lovely.

Got them at the German market.

Oh, we passed that the other day, didn't we, Eric?

Oh, aye, aye. All the hams and hot dogs and stuff.

Oh, they know how to divvy up a pig, that lot.

Colin's tried knuckles.

Well, listen, I don't know how good they are, but have a wee taste.

I just thought they looked quite nice and Christmassy.

Bless you, my angel.

Bless you all.

You have been a fantastic support to me these last few weeks.

You really have.

Peace be with you.

Right, what do you think?

Oh, they're fucking stinking, Michelle.

So was it last night you were on your work's night? It was, aye.

Friday before Christmas, people staggering about,

pissed out their minds.

It sounds brilliant.

Aye, the boss gave us all wee Santa hats to wear. Oh, did he, aye?

Get you all in the party mood, eh?

Aye, it's good.

If they see you peeing on the CCTV cannae tell who's who.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh.

TOGETHER: Hi! Merry Christmas.

Oh, merry Christmas.

So nice to see yous.

Come in, come in.

Hello! Hi!

Go on, you boys.

HE CHUCKLES

Merry Christmas. Good to see you.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, son. Merry Christmas.

Oh, hi, Gordon. Oh, look, he's got the Christmas jumper on.

I've got a new bra on, Gordon.

Hey, Christine. Hello, Ian.

We were very sorry to hear about your friend, Pat.

Oh, thank you, Gordon.

It has been a difficult time,

but I have found comfort in the arms of the Lord.

And this JD's taken the edge off it as well.

Give us a proper look at the jumper, then, Gordon.

Oh! Oh, look at the stars.

I looked at something like that for Eric.

Never mind the stars, you'd get the whole of Bethlehem across him.

Oh, now that's for you.

Aw, thank you.

Just as a wee thank you for inviting us.

Psst, psst! Gordon, Gordon. I spy mistletoe!

So you two all set, then, all set for Christmas?

Just about, yeah. What's your plans, the pair of you?

We're going down to my mum and dad's.

Yeah, we were just talking to them earlier

and I know it's a bit late in the day, but they've said if you

fancied, you could come down with us and have Christmas at theirs.

Oh, wow. Oh. Well, er...

Well, you've not got anything on, have you? No, no, no, no.

It's just going to be us. They'd be so pleased if you came.

What will you do, Christine?

Oh, I'll be fine.

I've got my Midnight Mass

and Christmas Day itself

I will just spend in quiet reflection.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

Godzilla's on Channel 5.

Well, OK, then, why not?

Hey-hey! I'll text him now.

Oh, that's great. That's smashing.

Wish them a merry Christmas from us, Gordon.

Oh, and stick a wee kiss on the end to Sandra from me.

Do you want to send a wee kiss to Graham, Cath?

Who's Graham? Gordon's dad.

Remember Gordon's dad Graham? Oh, yeah, yeah.

No.

Two for your mum from me.

I'm hoping he gives me one of the good bits, Alan, you know,

like, when they turn up at the inn or something,

though I don't think I should get the birth itself.

That should be left for someone who's fully ordained.

Are you sure your mum and dad will be all right on the sofabed?

Yeah, yeah, they'll be fine.

Not unless they went in my old room and we took the sofabed.

Could do. Honestly, they'll be fine.

Michelle!

Or maybe my mum and dad might want to give them their room,

they go on the sofabed and we go in my old room.

I'll need to get a present for Graham and Sandra.

Tin of biscuits? How would you feel if somebody turned up

at your house for Christmas with a tin of biscuits?

Gordon, I'll need to get a present for your mum.

Oh, don't worry about that. No, no, no. I'll need to get something.

Well, get her a voucher.

That's what we give to people we're not fussed about.

WHISPERS: That's what we gave them.

But also for special people like you.

Something for the house maybe?

An air fryer.

A what? Aye, good for chips.

Oh, bugger that, better still - has she got a deep fat fryer?

Aye, Beth, you could get her that

and then Ian could get her a couple of bottles of oil.

No, we do a Secret Santa, so what happens is everyone gets

given someone to buy for, but you're not allowed to say

who it is and then you put them in the big red bag and then everyone

opens them and you guess who bought what?

And what's the limit, Gordon?

£20.

Does she smoke?

B&M, Beth, get in there.

Aw, you could have a field day in there with that budget.

Secret Santas actually save a lot of hassle.

That's what we did in my work.

Oh, Santa getting you wee secret presents, eh, Michelle?

What did you get?

Oh, this wee karaoke set thing.

Oh, that sounds no' bad. No, but it's with kazoos!

Oh! Oh! Kazoos! Kazoos!

Kazoos! Oh, it's quite fun.

Where is it, Alan?

I think it's through in my bag. Go and get it.

So what you two got planned for Christmas, then?

We'll be having a very lazy day, Ian.

In fact, I'll not be getting in my pyjamas the whole day.

Oh, obviously, I'll pull them down for that.

What about Christmas dinner?

We got vouchers for the Chinese.

It's a banquet, Gordon.

That means a lot of it goes in the bin.

Is this it? Oh, that's that.

How you play it?

Well, someone picks a card with the name of a song on it

and you play it on the kazoo and then somebody guesses what it is.

Oh, come on. We'll have a wee game of it, will we?

Oh, yeah. Aye, come on.

Yeah, let's all play kazoos

and then get stuck into the fucking tiddlywinks after.

Cathy. Don't listen to her, Michelle.

Right, well, who wants to go first?

Dad, you do it. Aye, on you go, Eric.

Oh, well, all right, then, OK.

Er, right, I'll take that one.

And then someone has to guess the name of the song he's playing.

Christine.

Oh, I'm no' sure I'm in the mood for games, Michelle.

You wanting another JD? Please, aye.

I'll do it.

I love games. Cathy, have you ever played the one where...?

I'll guess.

Good lad, Gordon.

OK, Eric, pick a card.

All right, aye, look.

Oh, jeezo! This was on in the car this morning.

No clues, Eric. Stop cheating.

Oh, right, OK.

OK, you ready?

Mm-hm. Yes.

ON KAZOO: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie

I know it. I know.

I know too. Aye.

Well?

Oh, come on, you must know that!

Do it again for him.

ON KAZOO: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie

HE HUMS THE MELODY

OTHERS JOIN IN

# Wish I was at home for Christmas! #

ALL HUM THE MELODY

CHEERING

Marvellous! Such a great song.

Can you do it again?

It is a big honour to be asked, Cathy.

I mean, Midnight Mass is like no other mass

in the whole rest of the year.

In what way? Well, it's at fucking midnight for a start.

And what time would they normally sit down?

About four or something? Four? That's late.

Well, what time would you normally have it?

No later than two.

Well, two's fine.

But that means you're sitting down for your starter at half one?

Oh, for God's sake, would you stop fussing about this?

Can I get one of them? Aye, fire in.

So when are you getting down the road, then? Oh, Jeez, don't.

That'll be the next thing.

"What day are we going?

"What time are we leaving?

"What service station are we stopping at for an £8 coffee?"

Oh, Michelle's the same.

See for this, she's wanting to bake cakes and everything.

I says to her, "What is the point?

"It's only the fucking neighbours."

Honest to God, I'm stressed out my nut already.

Come on out the back a minute.

Where did you get that? On my work's night out.

Oh, Christine, how are you feeling?

Do you want a wee mince pie?

Oh, that's lovely.

Thanks very much, Michelle.

And where'd you get these?

Well, the German market?

No, you're all right, hen.

I'm so pleased you're coming for Christmas.

Oh! We're looking forward to it.

It's lovely of your mum and dad to invite us.

Plus, we don't have to cook. So win-win.

You'll be waited on hand and foot, the pair of you.

Change for her, no' for him.

See when you're a guest, you need to be on your best behaviour.

No wandering about in your pants.

And none of your big, smelly shits either, Eric.

Yeah, that's a point.

How many bathrooms has your mum and dad got?

Just the one. Uh-oh!

Has she no' got a wee cloakroom downstairs, Gordon?

No.

When I was down at our Sophie's, her boyfriend did all his number twos

at the gym, so there was no crossover whatsoever.

That's a good idea.

Is there a pub or anywhere close by he could use, Gordon?

Oh, for...

Haven't done this for years. Me neither.

Well, apart from last night. Was it a mad one, was it? No' really.

It's just cos one of the guys gave it to me

because he was going home early, so... Oh, that was nice him.

Aye, and they wouldnae let him take it with him

in the ambulance, so, yeah.

All right? What are you doing?

Just having a wee smoke. You want some?

Er...

Does he no' take a smoke?

Yeah, yeah, I take a smoke.

Good old Christmas marijuana joint.

Right, anybody for another drink? Me!

Beth, what about yourself?

Oh, go on, why not?

I'll take one if you're going through, Michelle.

Christine, another drink?

I'll take a lager, Michelle.

Maybes a Jack Daniels.

Actually, I think Pat would want me to have both.

LAUGHTER OUTSIDE

Oh, boys, boys, boys.

So this is where the party is, is it?

Nah, we were just going to head in, weren't we? Aye. Aye.

I'll come in and give you a wee hand, Michelle.

Honestly, Colin, it's fine. I'll manage. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, I don't mind. I don't mind at all. I'll just get by you. OK.

Well... Oh, I forgot all about that wee bit of mistletoe up there.

We were just having a wee chat about Christmas traditions.

Oh, right.

Oh, aye, the mistletoe.

Who brought that, anyway?

I'll have a lager if you're going in.

You all right?

Yeah. We were just saying how much we're looking forward

to going down to Gordon's mum and dad's.

What'll you be getting for your Christmas dinner? Huh?

Christmas Day - what's your mum cooking on Christmas Day?

Er... Is it turkey?

Is it turkey?

It will just be the usual Christmas type thing.

Turkey, roast potatoes... Potatoes?

Yep. I like potatoes. Yeah, I know. I know.

And green Brussels sprouts.

Oh, well, we'll be happy with whatever.

Red cabbage.

Sh!

Sorry?

I think there's red cabbage involved. Right.

Oh.

Here we go. Thank you, Michelle. Oh, lovely. Thank you, Michelle.

We'll be having duck, won't we, Cath?

That's no' really a Christmas dinner, though, is it?

Who says? Who decided we should have turkey at Christmas anyway?

Well, Gordon, you're brainy. Tell us.

We're does the Christmas turkey come from?

WHISPERS: Why are they looking at me?

It's just tradition, isn't it?

Well, I'll no' be bothering with turkey if I'm just sat there myself.

Oh, Christine, are you sure you'll be all right on your own?

Oh, I'll be fine.

Aww, Christine, you know we'd have you over at ours,

but we're away all day. Mm.

Psst! Mr Baird!

Uh-huh?

You can do the toilet anywhere you like.

Mind you, it can be a long day when you're sat there by yourself.

Christine, why don't you just phone some people?

You know? That's what old folks do, isn't it, at Christmas time?

Fire up the old landline.

Oh, there is one person

that I would always phone on Christmas Day, Cathy.

But sadly, this year, I can't.

Just won't be the same with her.

Aww, Christine.

HE SIGHS

Here's to Pat.

ALL: To Pat.

Pat.

Pat over the back.

Aye.

Pat over the back.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

WHISPERED: Stop it!

Sorry, Christine. Pat over the back.

BADLY SUPRESSED GIGGLING

Sorry. Sorry.

WHEEZY LAUGHTER

Sorry, Christine.

It's no' Pat they're laughing at.

LAUGHTER SPREADS

It's no'!

GIGGLING CONTINUES

Sorry, Christine. Sorry about this. Sorry, but, it's...

Alan? What's going on?

Nothin'!

What's the matter wi' them?

ALAN!

We just...had a wee

smokin' oot the back door.

Is THAT what you were doing outside?!

For God's sake, Alan!

This is supposed to be a Christmas party!

CATHY GASPS

Have you been smoking drugs?

I'm so sorry, Christine.

What is it?

What did they do?

They smoked some "stuff" outside.

Oh, well, Pat would not like that.

Oh, she enjoyed her fags,

but she never, ever touched the ganja.

HE STIFLES A GUFFAW

Look at him! He's off his tits!

Ian! What are you playing at?!

Sorry, sorry.

It's Christmas!

It was...it was just a bit of fun. Just a bit of fun.

Sorry, guys.

No, no, no, no. This is Alan's fault.

Alan, apologise to Christine.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY" PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

Sorry, Christine.

I mean, I feel terrible.

Right in the middle of when she's talking about Pat over the back...

GIGGLES ERUPT

UNDER HIS BREATH: Oh, for ... sake!

It's all right, Michelle.

It's no' your fault.

Sorry. Sorry, Christine.

Sorry.

Would you like us to light a wee candle for her?

I mean, I know you probably lit one in the chapel,

but we could light one here for her now, if you'd like.

That's a nice idea. Mm.

Hmm, aye.

That would be lovely, Michelle.

I tell you what we could do.

Shall we just go out for another wee smoke?

Naw, remember those lantern thingies that we bought?

MICHELLE GASPS

Why don't we go oot and light one of them? Aw, they're nice, them.

Aye, they are. And we're needin' rid of them, so...

DOOR OPENS

UPLIFTING CHRISTMASSY MUSIC BUILDS

Right, here we go. Oh!

Not yet, Alan.

Christine, do you want to light it?

Oh, no, I-I'll just watch.

# When the temperature dips

# I miss my baby's... #

Christine.

Me and Cathy were having a word, and...

With everything that's happened,

it doesnae sit right with us to know that you're going to be in there

on Christmas Day on your own,

having to make your own dinner.

So...

..we've decided...

..we're going to make you a plate leftovers from our Chinese.

Merry Christmas!

Right. You ready?

Yes, yes!

# But in my heart it's spring

It's a beautiful...

# How much joy and pleasure baby

# Can one guy bring me

It's going towards Pat's house!

# Without someone to hold

# But when I have him next to me

Merry Christmas, Christine.

# Baby I'm in ecstasy

Merry Christmas.

# It may be winter outside

And merry Christmas to you, too, Gordon.

# But in my heart it's spring... #

Is he all right?

RETCHING

MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum-dum Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum-dum Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Wish I was at home for Christmas... #

CHURCH ORGAN CHORD

Hello, everyone.

It's lovely to see so many of you here tonight,

and you all look wonderful in your Christmas best.

Now, to start things off,

I'm going to call upon Mrs O'Neill to come up and say a few words.

Christine.

Thank you, Father.

In the event of a fire...

SLOW FANFARE