Original subtitles

ON TV: 'Springwatch starts on Sunday, 23rd May on BBC Two.'

PHONE RINGS Aw, for...

Hello?

'Hi, it's me.' Oh, hello, me(!)

Listen, what about a short-sleeved shirt?

What about it? For your birthday!

How? Can you not afford one with long sleeves?

Eric, you need a short-sleeved shirt.

'Look, Beth, I told you - you don't have to bother.'

I don't want anything.

Oh, they've got some nice linen ones. I've got a linen shirt!

What? That stripy one? 'Uh-huh.' No, that is horrendous!

What's wrong with it? You look like Jocky Wilson on safari!

HE SIGHS Listen, I told you!

I don't want anything! Or a fleece!

I don't... 'Oh, or a body warmer?'

They've got reversible body warmers!

And what am I going to do with one of them?! Um, turn it inside out?

'Honestly, Beth, you don't need to worry. It's fine.'

The best present you can get me is

a bit of bloody peace and quiet - that'll do me!

I don't know why I bother, honestly! See you later.

Aye, see you later. No hurry. Take your time.

Ah...

ON TV: '..Eggheads in 45 minutes.'

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, dear God! 'But before that,

'another game of Pointless Celebrities.'

TV OFF, HE SIGHS DEEPLY

We've come to talk to you about the role of religion in your life.

SHE CACKLES Ha-ha!

It's funny you should say that.

I was just saying a wee prayer to myself on the way to the door.

Ha-ha!

(Unfortunately, it wisnae answered.)

Aw, are we interrupting you having your dinner?

Well... What are you having?

Aw, just a shepherd's pie thing. Aw, gads!

I've no' long just had mine, in't that right, Cath? Aye.

Cooked him a steak. She did.

Rib-eye! It was beautiful!

Wee pool of blood round it.

I says to Catherine, she put it down,

"A good vet could get that back on its feet."

THEY LAUGH

Where's Beth? Er, she's at the shops.

Aw, late-night shopping!

Why did she not say? I could've gone with her!

Eric... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

What's this? Now, I know it's not till tomorrow, but that's from us.

Happy birthday, Eric! Oh.

Oh? Oh, sorry. Ha-ha!

SHE GIGGLES Och, you didn't need to, honestly!

We wanted to!

Well, SHE did. I'd forgotten all about it.

I always remember your birthday, Eric.

It's exactly nine days before the date we had the Alsatians put down.

Now, I know we usually get together on your birthday,

but this year, unfortunately, we can't.

Aw, that's a shame!

We're away sailing tomorrow, aren't we, Col? Sailing!

That's right.

In a boat.

On the sea!

On a boat. On the sea.

Oh, right, aye.

Well, it's very kind, but you shouldn't have bothered, honestly.

Do you no want to see what it is?! I kind of know what it is.

But do you now?

Could be anything in there!

SHE LAUGHS: Let's have a look.

COLIN AND CATH GIGGLE What is it?

What's in the bag? Here, let me look.

Oh...

A beautiful bottle of wine.

Now, you'll enjoy that.

It's...it's kind of fruity, but it's no' too fruity.

It's smoky, but no' too smoky and it's woody, but...

Well, anyway, a glass of that, along with a tin of macaroni,

it's beautiful.

Actually, I'm not drinking at the moment. You...?

HE GASPS Say again?

I'm off the drink. You're not drinking? No.

You're not drinking ANYTHING? No. Not even a beer in the morning?

There's more calories in booze than there is in food.

You're not drinking ANYTHING?

My doctor said to try it.

I've lost three pounds already.

Really?!

And here's us bringing you a bottle of wine! Dear me!

Well, never mind. I mean, you can keep it for a special occasion,

like a...like a celebration, can't he, Cath? Aye.

Like when he starts drinking again.

COLIN LAUGHS

DOORBELL RINGS

Here, you get it, Eric. We'll sit down.

Hiya, Dad. Oh, it's you!

Hello, Mr Baird! Aye.

We just came to drop this off. Oh, right.

Oh, look who it is!

Hiya, Ian! Mwah! Hiya, Jaz! Mwah!

Jaz, have you had your teeth whitened? Er...

Come on! Come on through!

Choo-choo! I...

HE SIGHS

Aw, Jaz, you're so cuddly! Look at the two of you!

Two cuddly little gay things!

We're not interrupting your dinner, are we? No, no, you're all right.

Her mince is awfy salty.

Do you two want something to drink?

You got a beer? No. I've no got any beers.

Aw, of course - you're off it. Are you not drinking, Mr Baird?

Not at the moment. You've got wine, Eric!

Wanting a wee glass of wine, Ian? Aye, I'll take a glass of wine.

Jaz? No, I'm driving. Are you sure? I've got some peppermints in my bag.

How many days has it been now, Mr Baird?

I've got an uncle that's in AA. He's doing really well.

He's not wet the bed in three years.

Er, no, I'm just doing it to lose a bit of weight. Course you are.

Go and get a bottle opener, Eric.

My liver thinks my throat's been cut.

Thanks, driver. As I say, a sad, sad day, but a lovely buffet.

In fact, if you'll take a tip from me,

you'll get yersel back down there.

There's going to be a lot of folk wanting taxis.

Maybe put some plastic doon in the back.

Single malts on top of a lot of pan bread, know what I mean?

Right, Mum, come on. Right you are, driver!

Right you are. ENGINE STARTS

# In life and death, O Lord

# Abide with me. #

What a lovely day!

That service was heartbreaking!

Did you see her on my left roaring and greeting into the hanky?

She seemed to settle quite quick

when they pulled the foil aff that buffet, eh? Aw, come on!

I'm getting gooseberries aff of that

and sort of vanilla tones, are you, Cath?

Ah! Oh, yeah. What about you, Ian? It's all right, yeah, quite nice.

Eric, how's yours?

Fizzy! Did you I tell you - I gave up the drink once?

Did you? Aye. I felt great. What made you start again?

I met Cathy.

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha(!)

I always said that she had money. Apparently, that nephew of hers

was round her like a sandfly. Mum, please! Heartless bastard!

And I will tell him that to his face when I'm down there tomorrow

picking up that gravy boat the sister promised me.

What time is it?

It's still early!

Why don't we go and say a quick hello to Beth? Aw, no!

Oh, she'll be desperate to see

that selfie you took of me with the hearse. Come on!

SHE TUTS

Are you sure you're not wanting a wee dribble, Jaz, yeah?

No, I can't. Honestly, I'm driving.

Aw, get a taxi! Och, leave him, Cath!

He can get a bit of Eric's Fanta. I tell you - they're like hawks,

these police, when it comes to drink-driving. Oh, they are.

I got stopped and breathalysed last year,

on the way back from the airport!

Remember, when we'd been in Florida? I remember. Luckily,

I'd been refused alcohol on the plane, so I was just under. Phew!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh!

Hello, Eric. Christ, is it Halloween? Ha-ha!

We've been to a funeral, Eric.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's all right.

It was a very emotional day, wasn't it, Sophie? Yup.

Still, it was her time. Was it someone very close?

Aye, it was a cousin of my mother's.

The pair of them were like that, so they were!

So, I says to Sophie, "This is not going to be easy,

"but you and me are going to get down there to represent the family

"and pay our respects to Irene."

Isobel!

Isobel. Is Beth in, no?

Er, no. No, she's out. It's all right, I'll just let myself in.

Oh, you've got a houseful. If I'd have known that...

Well, I'd probably still have come across. Ha-ha!

Hello, everybody.

Have you been to a funeral, Christine? Yes, I have indeed.

Aw, has someone died?

No, we bury folk alive here in Scotland, don't you know(?)

Whose was it?

SOPHIE: Och, some woman my gran knew. It was a nightmare!

I've been there since 10 o'clock this morning!

A sad day, Cathy. Sophie, where's that order of service

till I talk Cathy through it? Full Latin mass, Cathy.

My arse was fucking numb!

Cath, a wee top-up?

Eric? Er, no, no, I'm fine with the orange.

Aw, what's the matter with you?

He's on the wagon. Why are you on the wagon, Eric?

I just decided to lay off it for a while.

My uncle was always trying to stop, but he couldn't control it.

Aw, well. If it's making you fat,

and making you spit when you talk, why not?

I've said for years that you've had a problem.

I don't have a problem! Honestly, that's exactly what he used to say.

Oh! How come you're having to stop, then?

I'm just taking a break from it!

Oh? How long are you taking a break from it for? I don't know!

You'll have one tomorrow, though? Probably a wee one.

That's no' much of a break, that!

Well, that's the end of that!

Open another one. Aye! You get anything else, Eric?

ERIC SIGHS Oh, here, Eric!

Take that out the road, will you? It's giving me the boak!

Here, I didnae know there was food on the go.

Mind you, we had quite a bit of that buffet. Ha-ha!

I'll maybe take some crisps or something, Eric?

What about you, Sophie? You want a roll?

No, thanks. No, she's fine.

But I'll take one, with cheese.

Uh-huh.

No, ham.

No, cheese AND ham!

Oh? I see someone's enjoying themselves.

Aye! Well, it's no' me!

CHATTER INSIDE

I thought you were having a quiet night? I was!

CHRISTINE: Where's my roll? COLIN: Eric, Christine's roll!

Quiche, baby chicken satay on skewers,

sausage rolls, all to the left.

Then your sub rolls with tuna mayonnaise, roast beef

and horseradish, egg and onion, all to the right, wasn't it, Sophie?

I'm just going to go to the toilet.

She's taking it awfy sore.

She's hardly said a word all day, poor thing! Aw!

Were they quite close? Who?

Hi, Sophie! Hi, Mrs Baird. Is it OK if I use your toilet?

Of course, on you go. # How great thou art!

# How great thou art! #

HE MOUTHS

Aw! There she is! RELIEVED SIGH: Hiya, Beth!

Beth, you'll never guess who got planted the day!

Oh, Beth, show us what you got!

Hey, you, ya bandit, wind your neck in!

I was talking to her!

I'll give you a clue - it's not Pat fie across the back.

She's still with us. Mind you, going by the looks of her,

I think I'd better keep this frock to the front of my wardrobe.

So who was it? Isobel!

Who's Isobel? A cousin of my mother's!

Well, when I say cousin...

not really her cousin, more sort of bingo buddies.

So, I said to Sophie, "This is our chance to say our goodbyes

"and to give Irene the respect that she deserves."

Isobel! Isobel, that's right.

Colin? Oh, hang on, let me finish the decent stuff first.

Mmm!

Right, fire it in.

Ooft!

Reminds me, I'll need to be getting diesel for the lawnmower. Ha-ha!

BAG RUSTLES

CATHY GASPS

Oh, wow!

Wow-ee! Och, it's just a wee thing.

I had no idea what to get you! You're a nightmare to buy for!

I'm a grown man, I'm no' needing bloody birthday presents!

An electronic photo frame! Oh, what's this for?

It's Eric's birthday. When? Today?

Tomorrow. Aw, happy birthday for tomorrow!

Aw, let's have a wee look.

We were looking at them, weren't we, Cath? Were we? Aye!

It was the dearer ones, though.

What is it? It's a digital picture frame.

You transfer all the pictures from your phone to it.

And then what do you do? Well, you...you look at them.

So, say I've got a phone, but I don't have any pictures on it?

Well, you wouldn't be able to dae it.

Aye, I don't want one, then. What have you two got him?

Come on, don't be shy!

I saw you giving it to your dad earlier. Come on!

Aw, that's just... There it is!

Ooh!

Aw, you might have wrapped it!

An electric blanket?! That's the last thing he's needing,

isn't it, Beth? You said he sweats like a pig as it is!

It's theirs. They lent it to us.

Ah! The radiator in our bedroom was knackered, so we borrowed it.

We actually forgot it was your birthday. Aw, don't worry about it.

Ian, that's terrible. He was always an awfy selfish wee boy, that one.

I gave him vouchers 14 years ago for his Christmas

and I'm still waiting on a thank you card.

There's still time! I could nip along to the garage?

No, no, you don't need to go to the garage.

Make him go to the garage, Eric! Go to the garage, Jaz!

Pick me up 20 Silk Cut silver

and he could get a bottle of that wine, Col.

You'll not get that in the garage. Where'd you get it?

It's Tesco Finest. Don't bother, Jaz.

No, don't bother, just stay where you are. Oh, boo!

It's fine! You can come round tomorrow. We're not doing anything.

Cath, Colin? You'll be round tomorrow, will you not?

We can't tomorrow, Beth. Er, we're away sailing.

Sailing? Yup. On a boat. On the sea.

On a boat, on the sea.

Here, Jaz, if you are going to the garage,

will you bring me a packet of Rennies?

That quiche is coming back on me.

SHE BELCHES

Big lumps of Stilton!

SHE RETCHES Oh, I'm getting onion as well.

You OK, Soph? CATH: Come and sit down!

Oh, you poor thing!

It's all right. She's all right, Christine!

Aw! I know how you're feeling, hmm?

Every dog we've ever had ended up getting put down

and it never gets any easier!

I really am sorry, Dad. It's fine!

Here, Jaz, there's £1.20.

Jaz, I'll gie you the money when you get back, yeah?

Mrs Baird? Hang on, Sophie, love.

Beth, give that to Jaz. I don't want to break a fiver.

He's not going to the garage, Christine!

Why don't we see if we can get a photo on this?

Mrs Baird, can I talk to you for just a minute?

Hang on a minute, Sophie, love.

Ian, let's get a photo of all of us and see if you can get it onto this.

Where's your phone? Where'd you get that, Beth?

Did you get it from the wee Chinese place?

Oh, that's a great shop, that! I saw this thing in there.

It was a hand on the end of a stick and, when you press a button,

the hand goes like that.

And what's it for? Don't know! Going like that!

So, who do you want?

Oh, take one of me first, Ian, and then get everybody!

I want a photo of you two. Us? Uh-huh!

Eric, take a photo of Ian and Jaz.

Jaz, come on! Ian, give your phone to your dad.

Er, right. Where are we with this?

Oh, the big red button in the middle, down the bottom.

Closer in!

Oh, if you just... Eh? ..move your finger a bit. Aw, say cheese!

CHEESE!

Beth, here! They're starting to dress quite similar, aren't they?

That's what happens. Same way as folk start to look like their dugs.

CAMERA CLICKS There, that's it.

JAZ: Right, put this into that.

EXCITED CHATTER Um, yeah.

ALL: Aw!

Aw, that's pretty good! No bad.

Oh, take another one! Take one of all the family!

Aw, we got one of them done professionally, didn't we, Sophie?

Remember when you were a wee baby?

Oh, wee baby Sophie.

Did you no' get one of them done? What happened to it?

Well, we...we did get one done,

but it didn't, er... It didn't come out right.

We just decided we were fine with what we had.

Yeah, we just decided to leave it.

That's a bit of a waste. Ach, well, you know, one of those things.

Aw, baby. They didn't still charge you for it, though, did they? Er...

I can't remember. Did we pay? I think we paid something?

Oh, don't ask me. Ha-ha!

They made you pay for the picture, but you still never got it.

No, no, no, we did get it, we just decided not to, um...

Not to...not to put it up. Not to put it up, that's right.

Anyway... Well, have you still got it?

Aw, I'd love to see it! I'd love to see it too, Jaz!

Come on, Eric! Go and get it! CHRISTINE: Yeah!

Listen, I don't even know where it is. Aye, ye dae!

We wouldn't be able to find it in a million years!

CATH: Go and get it! CHRISTINE: Where is it?

Get it, Eric! If you paid all that money...

Watch where you're stepping!

I can't believe this!

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER DOWNSTAIRS

And I've still no' had any dinner! Just get on with it.

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

CHRISTINE: # Hosanna! Sing Hosanna!

# Sing Hosanna till the break of day! # Hey!

Aye, here, he's enjoying himself, aren't ye, son? There you go.

Are you not driving?

Aw, he's all right. He's got his sat nav!

Sophie, do you want a glass?

No, thanks. I'm not wanting anything.

You're allowed! No!

She's taking it bad right enough, eh?

Oh, here he is! Oh, and he's got it!

CHEERING

Here, Eric, do you want a wee...?

No, come on now, Colin! He's on the wagon!

# Three wheels ALL: On my wagon

# And I'm still rolling along

# The Cherokees are chasing me

# Arrows fly, right on by... # Eric, come on!

Bring it in! Bring it in! Come on, let's get a look at it.

COLIN: Right, come on, Eric. Right, come on!

Right, ssh, everybody, ssh! Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh!

THEY HUM A FANFARE

ALL: Aw!

Oh, here, that's no bad! Oh, Beth, look at your hair!

Boy, oh, boy! You've no' half piled on the beef, Eric!

Oh, look at you there! Don't! What? You look so cute!

What's that there? It's just a sticker thing that Ian put on it.

Why'd he put it there?

Basically, the photographer... Unfortunately, um...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT ..the way the guy set the shot up,

you ended up being able to see a bit of my...

Your willy?! No!

Well, sort of. More like my... What?

Your balls?

Aye. A bit of them.

One of them. You can see one of them.

Well, we THINK it's one of them.

There's something anyway, in amongst the...hair.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

All right! All right!

Oh, look at the sticker, Colin! Look! Look!

What is it? It's a footballer! Who is it? Let's get a look!

Go on! It's Ally McCoist!

Look, Ally McCoist stuck to yer balls!

Here, I bet you wouldn't mind that, eh, Ian?!

JAZ GIGGLES SOFTLY

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

It's a bloody disgrace!

I mean, I don't know how the guy didn't notice it! Cathy, leave it!

STICKER RIPS

CHEERING

Nae wonder you didn't put it up!

Who'd want that over their mantelpiece? Here, what about...

# One hairy ball hangin' on the wall... #

OTHERS JOIN IN: # One hairy ball hangin' on yer wall

# And if one hairy ball Should accidentally fall!

# You'd have Eric Baird's balls hangin' on the wall... #

LAUGHTER Hooray! Hilarious(!)

COLIN LAUGHS She's pissing herself!

So she is!

CATHY SOBS Cathy?

Cathy! Are you all right, Cath?

Come on now, Cath. Come on, let's get you into the kitchen.

SOBBING CONTINUES

What a shame!

I know! Eric...

Give us over her wine, eh? I'll just...

SOBBING CONTINUES

Aw, Cathy, what on earth is the matter?

SOBBING AND SNIFFING

What's going on? We're not going sailing!

Oh, well, that's disappointing, but surely...

We said we were going sailing on a boat, on the sea, but we're not.

We're going to see the consultant at the fertility place. Ah.

I don't think it's going to be good news, Beth.

Oh, come on now, Cath.

You don't know that for sure until you go and talk to them!

Well, actually, I do. How come?

I phoned them. I couldn't wait and I phoned them.

Oh, Beth... promise you won't say anything.

Of course not, Cathy.

It's your business and nobody needs to know.

What happens is they give you a wee cup, right?

And you go into this wee room and...

Well, that's you. I mean, you...

You've gotta dae the biz. But what happens if you cannae?

Mum, please! No, no, it's all right.

Er, well, there's things in there, Christine, you know.

They've got things in there tae... tae help ye.

What things? Mum!

I'm just asking!

It's just things to help, er, stimulate you.

Oh, like what-d'ya-ma-callits?

Fluffers!

So, what exactly did they say when you phoned?

Just a load of stuff about not being able to give out information

over the phone and something about harassment,

and then, eventually, she just said they were really sorry, but...

because of my age and, er...

..various other factors that...

we'd reached the end of the road.

Aw, Cathy, I'm so sorry!

I'd have made such a good mum, Beth!

How's Colin about it?

He doesn't know. I've not told him yet.

Well, do you not think...? I will!

Later, when it's just the two of us.

You know what my Colin's like. He's a very private person.

So, I'm sat in the corridor.

It's like death row!

Except there's tea and coffee.

And the next thing, the wee consultant guy, he calls me in

and he says, er, "Well, Mr White, we have never seen anything like it!"

And I was like that, "Oh, dear!" He says, "No, no!" he says.

He says, "Everything's fine your end.

"In fact, it's mair than fine.

"Your stuff is practically jumping oot the cup!"

Listen, there are millions of women who don't have children

living perfectly happy lives!

It's all I've ever wanted, Beth.

I know. A little baby Colin.

A little tiny Colin running round. Wouldn't that be amazing?

I mean, having babies - that's the point of living!

It's just the shock at the minute, Cathy!

Yeah, you're right. You've still got Colin.

Yeah. You've got your friends.

You've got me.

All right.

Having a family isn't the be-all and end-all.

You've got a whole life ahead of you to look forward to, Cathy.

Oh, thanks, Beth!

Oh...

Aw.

Now I know I'm not going to have to breast-feed, I'm...

I'm definitely going to get implants for Christmas.

# And exchange it some day for...

# A crown. #

Mum?

Mum!

Come on, we'll need to go. Aw, ssh! I'm enjoying myself!

It's no very often I get the chance to get out the house

and get a bit of company!

And besides, I reckon this is going to end up in a screaming match,

and I'm buggered if I'm going to miss that!

Hello!

JAZ: Are you OK, Cathy? Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine.

I was just, um...

Cathy was just telling me about the sailing trip she's going on.

Colin was just telling us about his...

Why don't we take a nice picture of us all

and put it on your digital frame thing?

Oh, yeah, birthday picture! Yeah, that's a great idea.

Right, everyone, squeeze in on the sofa.

Birthday boy, you in the middle. Right, there you are. Oh, here...

Mind keep your legs shut this time, Eric. Aye, all right! Ha-ha-ha!

I'm just going to head home. Aw, Sophie, stay for the photo!

Yeah, stay for the photo, Soph.

CHRISTINE: Oh, my God!

I'll tell you this...

I have enjoyed this tonight.

In fact, the whole day has been super.

It really has.

Nothing's happening. Just wait a few seconds and then it'll do it.

CAMERA CLICKS, ERIC SIGHS Oh, dear. There we go!

There we are!

Oh, it's a bit weird! What's wrong with it?

Christine smiling, is she?

GIGGLING What's the wee dick saying noo?

Let me see it!

That's all right! Aye! MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

Oh, there's a hell of a sheen aff your forehead, Eric!

Here, Jaz, take one of us!

Take one of the mums, eh!

Come on, Beth! Ha-ha!

There, up, up. Aye. Come on.

Uh-huh!

Here, Cathy, you come in on this as well. Er, no, I'm... Come on, Cathy!

Oh, well, I'll come in too. No, no, this is just for the mums!

AND Cathy.

Christine!

Well, she's working on it, aren't you, Cathy?

Oh, here, you'd better get my good side, eh?

Oh, no, Sophie, you take it.

Sophie knows how to take me.

No, no, no.

No, I'll just come in for it.

It's mums, isn't it? Uh-huh. Well, I'll just come in for it, then.

But you're not a mum! Well, not yet I'm not.

But I will be soon.

I'm pregnant.

Beth!

BETH!

Aw!

Mr Baird? Er, yes?

You brought in Christine O'Neill? Aye.

They've got her sedated and they're just going

to keep an eye on her for the time being. That's good.

Can I take some details from you in the meantime? Of course.

Your name, please? Eric Baird. Mm-hm.

Your relation to patient? Friend.

Er, no, neighbour.

And your date of birth?

Er, sixth of the fifth, '53.

Great.

Sixth of the fifth? Oh, that...

So it is!

Happy birthday!

HE SIGHS

# I've just come doon from the Isle of Skye

# I'm not very big and I'm awful shy

# And the lassies shout when I go by

# Donald, where's your troosers?

# Let the wind blow high Let the wind blow low

# Through the streets in my kilt I'll go

# And all the ladies say hello

# Donald, where's your troosers?

# A lassie took me to a ball

# And it was slippery in the hall

# And I was feart that I would fall

# For I hadnae on my troosers

# Let the wind blow high Let the wind blow low

# Through the streets in my kilt I'll go

# And all the ladies say hello

# Donald, where's your troosers?

# I went doon to London Town

# I had some fun in the underground

# The ladies turned their heads around saying

# Donald, where's your troosers? #

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