All language subtitles for Two Doors Down S01E02 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

Nearly done. What do you think?

I don't like it.

VOICE ON TV

Do you want a glass of fresh orange?

Fresh orange? Uh-huh.

Fresh orange juice? Uh-huh.

You know fine well that I don't take
fruit juice after my coffee

and before my second tablet.

Mum, did you see that big Alsatian
fae the flats has been

sneaking in and peeing
in the garden again?

I've no interest in dogs
peeing on grass.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SLURPS

Do you know if we recorded...
We did. I watched it, deleted it.

When have you ever seen
a mushroom that colour?

Chestnut mushroom!

It's horrible, it looks like...

Like what?

The inside of a dirty nappy.

What is the matter with you?

The matter with me?
There's nothing the matter with me.

Right. Well, I'm going up the
stairs.

Well, you'll know the way.

What?

Up the stairs.

Aw, I get it. Uh-huh.

Look, Mum. It was just me having
a friend over to the house.

What's so bad about that?

Oh, you know fine well that

if you want to have a friend
over, that is OK by me.

You only have to let me know
when they're coming and I'll

put my good tracksuit on, wipe down
my wee table and open a windae.

But you, milady,
chose to go behind my back

when I was away up at the doctor's
getting my ears syringed

to invite this
so-called friend over.

Yes. Uh-huh.

Mum. It's not potpourri
we need on the half landing, it's a

bowl of peppermints
and a selection of johnny bags.

Oh, for God's sake!

And, yes, I would like a
fresh orange juice.

I'm going out.

DOOR SLAMS

Ya bastard!

Agh!

MUSIC: S.O.B. by
Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night
Sweats

It'll be lighter when it dries.

It'll be fine,
it's only a spare room.

It's Ian's room.

Aye, but we're turning
it into a spare room.

It's still his room, though, Eric.

Aye, well, tell him to get his arse
round here and paint it, then.

DOORBELL RINGS
Aw, who the hell's this?

Christine, oh, my God!

Right, there's your specs,
Christine.

Thanks, Beth. Thank God you were in.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, no, no, no, I don't want to put
you to any bother.

You sure?

Just one of those coffees you
do in the cafetiere will be fine.

All right, Christine?

Bloody hell,
you been at the home baking again?

Oh, ha-bloody-ha.

Her ceiling's come in.
Away and make her a cup of tea.

Coffee. Ah, coffee, that's right.
I'm in shock, Eric.

Is it not a glass of water you're
meant to have for shock?

Ah, well, it's fresh coffee with two
brown sugars with me.

So, the whole thing
came down on your head?

Like fucking Pompeii, Beth.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, no warning. One minute I'm sat
there quite happy after a row

with Sophie, the next thing I know,
I'm sitting there with

a lampshade on my head and picking
bits of Artex out my teeth.

As I say, Beth, I'm still in shock.

Oh, Eric, bring a biscuit.

God bless.

So, what were you
and Sophie at loggerheads about?

I don't want to talk about it, Beth.
OK.

I'm best to say nothing.

Right enough.

She's been getting pumped. Oh.

Every time I've been
out at the doctors, Sophie's been

upstairs having sex with a boy.

Every time?
Christ, she'll be exhausted.

How did you manage to find
out about this...?

Pumping?

Well, call it mother's
intuition, Beth...

call it logging into Facebook

and having a look
at her private messages.

Hit the plunger on that,
will you, Eric?

So where's Sophie now?

Oh, I don't know.
She stormed out in a huff!

Well, let's not worry about that.

The important thing is that
you're both OK.

Thanks, Beth, you're a star.

A bright, shining star.

No trouble. Oh, God bless.

You don't have any of those wee
pink wafers, do you?

Cos I don't like any of these.

'Yoo-hoo! Beth. Hello?'

There you are.

Beth, wait till you see this,
you are going to love it!

What is it? It's the hotel in Egypt
I've just booked for me and Col.

Sharm el...something.

Hello, Cathy. Oh, Christine!

(She looks like shit.)

Her ceiling caved in on her.

Oh, you're joking!

Anyway, let me fire this up
and show you a picture of the pool.

So it just caved in, did it? Aye.

And what's above it? The bathroom.

Ah! You maybe had a leak.

I had more than a flaming leak
when it slammed down on top of me,

I'll tell you that.
Have you got insurance?

Aye, I do. Oh, you'll be fine.

When I set fire to my kitchen,
I got a brand-new one.

How did you do that?

I set fire to it.

I wanted a new one.

Now, would you look at that!
Who are you with for insurance?

Oh, what's that one with the dog?

Eh, Churchill? Aye. Well, it better
start fucking nodding

when it sees my claim
form in front of it.

Sorry about the language there,
Beth. It's the shock, you know.

You're all right.

It's an absolute bastard, so it is.

Did you take any pictures? No.

Beth, Beth! Infinity pool.

We took pictures of the upstairs
toilet when it flooded, didn't we?

Oh, aye, aye,
I've still got them somewhere.

Oh, well, I'll maybe have a look
at them later on, Eric,

if you don't mind.

Beth, Beth! Gold taps.

Could you just leave it
a minute, Cathy?

Christine, Eric'll take
the pictures for you.

God's sake.

Oh, I don't think I could face going
back over there, not at the minute.

Don't worry, Christine,
I'll see to it for you.

Eric, get Colin to do
them on his phone -

his camera's better than yours.

You don't mind? No, of course not.

I mean, if Beth's having you to stay
here for a few days,

it's the least me and Col can do.
Isn't that right?

Aye.

Well, here we are, Grotbags' lair.

Have you had a tetanus lately?

Christ, she'll have a fair
amount of sweeping up to do, eh?

Aye, don't worry, she's no
stranger to a broomstick.

All right, let's get this done.

I've got enough on my hands
over the road.

Oh, aye, what is it
you're doing again?

Oh, Beth's got me
redecorating Ian's bedroom.

Oh, aye. Empty nest now, Eric.

Chance for you and Beth to enjoy
some time on your own.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, make the most of it. Aye.

Before the old age kicks in.
Yeah, well...

And one of you dies.
Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Not that you should be
worrying about that. No.

No. Anyway, it's usually
the man that pops it first.

HE CHUCKLES

What about there?

No, no, that's no good.

It's not comfortable.

It's my neck, you see. Keep going.

Right, left a bit, left a bit,
left, left, left, left.

That's it, that's it.

Oh, that's better there.

DOORBELL RINGS

In you come.

Is she all right? Oh, she's fine.

We're just setting her up in front
of Homes Under The Hammer.

Mum, are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

I just about got buried alive,

but you'll no' be giving two
shits about that, will you?

Hello, Sophie.

What's she doing here, anyway?

I texted her, Christine -
let her know what was going on.

What's the matter with you two?
She's...

Ah, ah, not now, Christine.

She's been what?

What have you been up to,
you little minx?

Not now, Cathy.

Let's not go into that just now.

That's right, Christine.
Least said, soonest mended.

OK, fair enough.

She's been at the pumping.

Is that her needing filled up
with the coffee again?

Oh, Christ, what are we going to do?

What do you mean?

We're not actually gonna have
her staying the night, are we?

We're going to have to.
Where are we going to put her?

I'll just have to make her up
a bed on the sofa.

Aw, God save us.

Coming down in the morning to see
that lying in front of you like
Bagpuss.

Put you off your cornflakes
for life.

Look, all we're talking about
is one person for one night.

Surely we can cope with that.

Beth!

Christine's getting a bit agitated,

so I've said to Sophie she's
just to stay as well.

Oh, God!

That was awful nice of Beth to offer
to do this for Christine and Sophie.

We'd have offered ourselves if we
hadn't been going on this holiday.

What holiday? Egypt. You never been
to the Valley of the Kings, Eric?

No. Aye, well, we're not bothering
with any of that shite, either.

We're going to the nice bit,
Sharm el-Sheikh.

You want to see this hotel
we're going to.

It's a traditional Arabian palace.

The waiters all in white robes,
a fountain in the shape

of a sphinx, and a wee poolside cafe
that does chips and toasties.

All right for some, eh?

I told you, Eric, any time you want.

I'll get you the keys to my pal's
caravan over in Dundee.

Just give me the nod and I'll
get him to clear it out for you.

That's an awful lot lighter
on the tin than it is on the wall.

Oh, Christ, don't you start.

Here, put your big light on
and see it properly.

Here, you're no' epileptic, are you,
Eric?

HE LAUGHS

SHE SIGHS

Can I do anything?

No, you're fine, Sophie,
don't worry.

I'm really sorry about all this.

No trouble. Now, what
does your mum take on her toast?

Oh, just butter. But do it all
the way to the edges, otherwise

she won't eat it.

She's a pain in the arse, isn't she?
Well, she's just... It's OK,

I know what she's like.

She's a pain in the arse, aye.

She drives me mental, Mrs Baird.

It's tough when you're a parent,
Sophie,

watching your kids grow up,
doing grown-up things.

She might give you a hard time now,
but when you move out...

When I move out?

Well, if, in the future,
you move out.

Well, look at me and Ian.

When he was here, he used
to drive me round the twist,

and now he's away
doing his own thing...

..I miss him.

We weren't even doing
anything upstairs.

Were you not?
No, we were just sleeping. Oh.

We'd already done it on the kitchen
floor, so we were knackered.

I can't... Col, she can't see this.

What? She can't see it.
It's too wee and her eye's gone.

How could he no' have just
done it on a proper camera?

I used to have a lovely big
camera that a fucking chimp

nicked off me when I was
at the safari park.

Col, put it on the laptop.

It never got the tripod, though.

I'd have rammed that up its wee
red arse if I'd got a hold of it.

What did you bring
the laptop in here for?

I was showing Beth
pictures of the hotel.

I'm thinking of taking Sophie
away on holiday next year

if she behaves herself!

Aw, that'll be nice.
Where are you thinking?

Rotterdam. You can go the whole
way by coach, you know.

None of that taking your shoes off
and having folk swab your shampoo.

Right, Christine, look.

Can you see it?

Oh, aye. I can see it.

No, that's the screensaver.
Oh. Oh, oh, here, right.

Right, can you see it now?

Oh. Oh!

Oh, for heaven's sake, would
you look at the state of that?!

All that horrible Artex.

I took a good dozen or so.

Done some panoramic in case you
want to get it framed.

THEY LAUGH

How do I see the other ones?
Here, let me...

Och, you're fine, I'll do it.
Leave it!

There. Now, what have we got here?

WOMAN MOANS

Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, shit!
Wait a minute, Christine, I'll...

MOANING CONTINUES

Oh, I see.

What is it, Mum? Well...

What's going on?

Now, now, now, Cathy,
look, don't overreact.

Oh, that's not...

You didn't video yourself? No.

Now, Cathy, look,
it's obviously a...a spam virus.

Beth, I need the loo.

That's not... You didn't?

No! It's not even my laptop.

Cathy, look. Unbelievable!

Cathy! It's all right, Beth.

It's all right,
I'm not going to cause a scene.

You've been wanking off again,
haven't you? Now, Cathy!

Just give me a straight answer.

Have you or have you
not been wanking?

Come on, Cathy...

HAVE YOU BEEN WANKI-I-I-I-ING?!

I... I might have.

I mean, everybody has a wee fiddle
with themselves, do they not?

Eric? Er, phoo...

Right. Out! Come on, Cathy.

Get out of my sight! You're a...

You're a...

Wee sly wanker.

Toast, anyone?

Unbelievable. I know, Cathy.

Did you see it? I just saw a bit.

I caught a glimpse of a bum

and a pair of shoes with
see-through heels.

It's disgusting! I could kill him.

At the end of the day,
him and a million other men.

I know that, Beth.

I caught Eric in the hut with
the Littlewoods catalogue

and a pump dispenser of Nivea.

Yes, but...

..you weren't trying
for a baby, were you?

Sorry? We're supposed
to be trying for a baby.

Oh. I mean, that's the whole
point of us going to Egypt.

I mean, at my age,
it's no' that easy. Oh.

Well, there are lots of people
having babies in their late

for...mid fort...
SHE LAUGHS

..all ages. We've got all the
dates marked up in the calendar,

I'm pumping myself full of hormones,
I'm on a special diet.

Don't eat this, don't drink that.

And all the time,
he's in front of the laptop with...

with a sheet of kitchen roll,
huffing and puffing.

Oh, he's a disgrace!

Look, Cathy,
I don't think it's that bad.

When you go back over there
tonight, sit him down,

just the two of you,
and hash it out.

I'll be doing no such thing.

I won't be going anywhere near him.

I won't be setting foot
in that house tonight.

Why? Where are you going?

Well, I'm staying here, of course.

I mean, there's people that
are addicted to that stuff, Eric.

I know.

It used to be it was magazines.

I remember I found one
stuffed in behind our hedge.

Did you? Aye. Ebony Sluts.

Eric, can I steal you
away for a minute?

Very happily, yes.

Right, I need you to go
up to the loft. What for?

We need the blow-up bed down.
How are we needing that down?

I thought Christine was just getting
a bed made up on the couch.

And Sophie, she's going in to
Ian's room, is she not?

Yes, that's right.
So, why do we need the blow-up bed?

Because Cathy's staying.

She's what?
Aw, you're kidding me on.

Eric, Cathy's quite upset,

she's in a very vulnerable
state at the moment.

Beth, Beth! Sleepover!

Eric, run up to the shop and
get us some fags, would you?

HE SIGHS

Let me put it up.
Give me the elastic band.

No, it's fine, honestly.
Let me put it up.

Obviously it's quite greasy just
now, but when it's washed...

Scrape it all back off your face and
show off that lovely big forehead.

Here, Christine,
what do you think of that?

Nut.

I'm just trying to make her a bit
more feminine.

And whit's no' feminine about her?
Apart fae the sports socks?

Look at her!

She doesn't want to
look like that, does she?

Nobody would want to look like that.
Would they, darling?

There's nothing wrong
with what she's got on.

In fact, that cardigan
was mine for a long time.

And what does Sophie think?

Let's ask her, shall we?

Because, unlike you, Christine,

I am interested in what
Sophie has to say.

I just...

DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, that might be Colin.

Beth, Beth,
if that's Colin, I'm not here.

Right you are.

Ian! Hiya, Mum.

In you come.

How's things? Oh, fine.

Christine's ceiling's collapsed,
so her and Sophie are staying here

until they can get someone
round to look at it.

Cathy's had the mother of all
ding-dongs with Colin -

don't ask what about -
but she's decided the best

thing would be for her
to bunk in here as well.

Oh, yes, and we've
run out of teabags.

Wow. So, how are you?

Erm...

I've split up with Jaz.

Eric, back up into the loft.

HE SIGHS

ENERGETIC PUMPING

Keep going.

Faster.

There.

Now, that's not bad at that.

I'd never have lasted a full
night on that couch.

And you're sure you're warm enough
with the TWO duvets?

Ah, well, we'll see how I go.

There's a glass of
water for you there

and the last of the paracetamols.

Thanks, Beth, you're a good spud.

No bother, Christine.

Beth, come here.

(What is it?)

What's the chances of another one
of those wee pink wafer biscuits?

Mum!

CATHY: # I shot the sheriff... #

What is it? Ask Dad if I can borrow
a pair of his boxer shorts to

sleep in, would you?

What are you doing?

I'm waiting on bloody Cathy
coming out the loo.

Have you got a spare
pair of boxer shorts?

I'm not that desperate.

# I shot the sheriff. #

Bathroom's free, Eric.

Beth, got any cotton buds?

I've been through there trying to
clean my ears with a kirby grip.

Mum! Coming, Ian!

# But I didn't shoot the deputy. #

Ian, I told you to open the window.

Sophie, are you not choked
with the smell of the paint?

No, it's fine.
Ian's farts are blocking it out.

Hey! So, the two of you
are all right in here, then?

Yeah. You didn't waste much time
gutting this place.

It's still your room, Ian. Aye, just
with none of my stuff left in it.

Don't be daft,
it'll always be yours.

Ooooh! I'm sleeping in Ian's room.

Sophie, shh, or we'll
have your mother up here

checking nothing's going on.

"My Sophie sleeping in a boy's room?
Oh, no, no, no.

"I'm no' happy about this at all."
Shh, Sophie!

Christine, Christine,
she's trying to turn me!

Help, I'm on the turn!
Shush, you two, that's enough.

CATHY: Beth!

"Oh, and as for that Cathy Whyte..."

What is it, Cathy?

Have you got a lamp? A lamp?

I want to do some dancing in the
mirror. I don't like the big light.

Look, Cathy, do you not think it's
time you just went to your bed?

I don't know about you,
but I am shattered. Are you?

Yes! How come?

Oh, Cathy, just get to your bed.

No. Cathy, bed!

I don't want to go to bed!

Bed, Cathy, now! Oh, God.

BANGING

Stop it, Cathy!

BANGING STOPS
Now settle down!

Oh, dear God in heaven.

I've never been so glad
to get to my bed in my life.

If Christine shouts you
in the night, just ignore her.

She'll not shout.

How do you know?
She's got her mobile.

She said she'll just ring me
if she needs anything.

Goodnight.

Night.

SHE SNORES

SNORING

CAR APPROACHES

VOICE MESSAGE: Hiya, Ian here,
leave me a message after the beep

and I'll get back to
you as soon as I can.

HE TRIES TO WHISTLE

HE BLOWS AIR

Ian! Ian!

Oh, hiya. Oh, it's you.
You triggered my sensor there.

I thought it was a fox,
turns out it's a human being.

Right. What's going on?

I was just trying to see if Ian's
in.

No' better just phoning him?
He's not picking up.

Oh, I see.
Yous have had a wee fall-out?

Well, yeah.

Oh, dear, I sympathise with you.

Right, cheers.

Me and Cathy had a
wee set-to and all.

Oh, right, OK. Well, it was...

It was a misunderstanding.

It was quite serious, actually.

I had to cook my own tea.

Right. Still, I shouldn't
burden you with it.

Yeah, I've kind of got enough...

See, what it is, Cathy's
annoyed at me because I've been

watching a wee mucky film or two
on the old laptop, know what I mean?

Listen, it was none of your
weird stuff. It was just...

just two lassies in a corner bath.

I mean, who doesnae watch it?

Well, it would be two guys
with you, wouldn't it?

Probably in a gym, with baseball
caps and designer underpants...

Well, I don't know, you tell me.

But anyway, Cathy, basically,
has got it in her head that

I shouldn't be doing that stuff
while we're trying for a baby.

But see, I read on the internet
that it's better to make sure that

it's all flowing, you know -
that it's coming out the boiler

and up through your pipes
and into your radiator.

And radiators, as we know,

need to be bled to
keep them working.

And, hey, you know,
that's all I was doing, you know.

I'm just bleeding my own radiator.

Ian! Ian! It's me!

What do you want? Just let me in.

Go home,
I'll text you in the morning.

Ian, I'm sorry! Just let me in,
I want to talk to you.

Right, OK. Just before you do that,

and listen, I'm sorry to interrupt,
but you wouldn't happen to know

if Cathy's awake, would you?

Look, I don't know,
she's in the other bedroom. Ian!

Who's that? Sophie.
What's she doing in there?

She had to come in beside me
because Christine's on the airbed.

Christine's on the airbed?

Christine's on the airbed,
Sophie's in with me,

and Cathy's in the other room.

Cath!

Don't even look at me!
You're disgusting, you're a pervert.

Aw, hiya, Jaz.
Have you had your hair cut?

Cath, come on back to the house.

I'm not talking to him.

Jaz, tell her. What?!

Tell her what I told you.
She'll no' listen to me.

He's been bleeding his radiator.

That sperm was for Egypt, Col.

Look, I'm coming down.

Why can't you just chill
out about stuff?

I'm sorry.

Look, I know I'm a
nightmare sometimes

and I know I get stressed about
stuff, and I'm really sorry

I shouted at you when you
switched the lava lamp off.

And I'm sorry I put your polo
shirt in the tumble dryer.

Jaz, I... But I only make
a fuss because I care...

because...

cos, well, I love you.

Come here.

I was just saying...

And there you go.

You all done now?

Don't let him in! Cathy, shhh!

I'm not joking.
Don't let him anywhere near me!

What's going on?
You're all right, Christine,
on you go back to your bed.

Just beat it, Christine!

SHE GASPS
I beg your pardon?!

I think they just need a couple
of minutes to themselves.

It's very complicated. Something
about sperm in Egypt, Christine.

Mum, go back to bed.

There's fuckin' Sophie
wakened up now as well!

Get back to your bed, Sophie!

No. What?

No! Stop telling me what to do.

How dare you. Just go in there and
go to sleep. After the day I've

had with a ceiling falling
on me and everything...

Mum, just go to bed!

..and you dare to speak
to your mother like that!

Shh, shh, shh!
What in God's name is going on?

Beth, it's awful. Colin has
forced his way into the house

and he's wakened up Christine.

(Hiya, Mrs Baird.)

Come on, Cathy. Come on back
to the house. Right, bed!

I've said I'm sorry.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

SHUT UP!

Just, everybody, shut up.

Sophie, your mum's
just looking out for you.

Christine, you're her mum, but
she's practically a grown woman,

so just put a sock in it
once in a while.

Cathy, Colin's said he's sorry
and he's not going to do it again.

Are you, Colin?

No.

Say it. What?

Promise me. Say,
"I will never wank again." Say it.

I will never wank again.

Smashing. And, you two?

We're fine. Top marks.

So, can we all, for God's sake,

just get to our beds?

Oh...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Are you two awake?
BOTH: Yes!

Listen, thanks for
sorting all that out.

That's all right.

You know you can stay
here whenever you want.

You're always welcome, pet.

Wayhey! God almighty!

What are you doing, ya clown?!

Come on, out.
What's going on? What's going on?

Nothing, Cathy.

Aww! Come on, shift it.

Dad, I'm just getting comfy.
Pillow fight!

CATHY CHEERS

Ian! Stop it! The pair of you,
that's enough noise

to wake everybody up! I'm trying
to get to bloody sleep here!

THEY GASP

Oh!

Ya bastard!

Be-e-e-eth!

# I can't see me loving
nobody but you

# For all my life

# When you're with me, baby,
the skies will be blue

# For all my life... #

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