Original subtitles

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'll get it.

Christine.

Ah, hello, Beth. Enjoying your Sunday?

Er, yes, not bad.

I just thought I'd pop my head in

and see if you needed a wee hand with anything.

A hand with...?

Well, if you're doing a roast,

that can be quite a lot for two people.

A hand with eating it?

Well, sorry, Christine, we're actually going out today.

You're what?! Yep.

We're going out for lunch. Ian's organised it.

It's for Father's Day.

Where are you going? The carvery.

The carvery?

Oh, well, don't let me intrude.

Okey dokey, right you are.

You know, I do find Father's Day quite difficult.

Can't help but reflect upon my own dear father,

snatched away too soon.

Did you ever get to meet him, Beth?

No, I don't think I did.

Oh, a very considerate man.

Hated seeing anyone left sitting on their own,

especially on significant days of the year.

However, I'll just head back to my own wee corner

and leave you to it. You enjoy your meal.

I'll just settle in for a day of deep reflection.

Would you like to come to the carvery?

Is it three meats or just two and a bird?

Thank you. Thank you, Driver.

Ta.

Oh! Looks nice.

Oh, good big extractor fan there.

That will be pumping out the meat fumes round the clock.

I don't think we've been to this one before, have we?

I don't think so. Irene has. Oh, right.

What did she say?

Good selection of draught,

the toilets were spotless,

but she said the meat was that thin she didn't know

whether to eat it or blow her nose in it.

Well, I'm sure there'll be other stuff on the menu

you can have, Christine.

But you cannae come to a carvery and not have a carvery.

Aye, well, you didn't have to come to the carvery at all.

Look, Ian and Gordon have spent a lot of time choosing it,

so can we just go in and enjoy our lunch?

Fair enough, Beth, fair enough.

Beth, did they do any research on plate size, do you know?

What?!

Can I help you?

Yes, hello. My son's reserved a table. It's Baird.

OK.

Erm, B-A-I-R-D,

not B-A-R-E... Yes, I see it now.

Just follow me.

Excuse me. Just to let you know,

there's a few wee bits of sweetcorn

lying there, my darling.

Right.

That's you just there.

Hi. Oh!

Oh, hiya.

Hi, Gordon.

Hello, hello.

Happy Father's Day, Mr Baird.

Thanks very much. Hiya, Eric.

Good to see you again. And yourself.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Aww, come here.

Hello, Sandra, my friend. Good to see you again.

Hello again. I wasn't expecting to see you.

Neither was I.

No, Beth insisted that I come along,

what with it being Father's Day

and my own father having passed away.

Oh, dear. Was that recent?

1982, Sandra,

but there is not a day goes past when I don't think...

Oh, I just got a whiff of gammon there.

Have you been up to have a look yet?

Happy Father's Day to you too, Graham.

Thanks very much, Beth. Journey up all right, was it?

Oh, good, thanks. Took our time, stopped at Tebay.

We always go in there for a soup and a roll, don't we?

Yes, we do.

Oh, it's lovely there. Everything's home-made.

What was the one we went into, Beth?

Where we saw the woman changing the nappy in the Burger King?

Thanks for organising this, boys.

It's no problem.

It's Father's Day, we wanted to do something special.

So, why did you book here?

Well, cos Graham and Dad like a carvery.

Oh, he does love his roast.

Oh, yeah, I must say, I'm a man for my roasts.

Oh, are you, Graham?

I am, Beth, yes. I do love a carvery.

Although, I tell you what,

they're going to have to go some to beat Sandra's.

Aww. Mum's are the best. She even does me a vegetarian one.

Oh! Oh, I'm sure Beth's are lovely too.

Hit and miss, Sandra.

Listen, sit yourselves down.

Oh, yes. Right, Dad, you go there.

Sure. Mum?

I'll go just in beside my good friend here,

in case she's needing anything on the menu explained to her.

I think I can manage. Aye, well,

you say that, Sandra,

but did you know that what you call a swede,

we call a turnip?

Oh, right, yes.

And what you call a bap,

we call a roll.

So, when you go up to the carvery, what do you ask for?

As much as fucking possible, Graham.

So, did you get up to anything last night, did you?

Pretty quiet, to be honest.

Sandra was tired after the drive.

I was tired.

Yes, it is very tiring sitting in the passenger seat.

I keep saying this to Beth.

We gave them our room

to sleep in, didn't we? Yeah, we just went on the pull-down.

Oh. We had a nice breakfast in bed this morning. Toast,

scrambled egg, fresh coffee.

Ooh!

Oh, not the full Scottish breakfast, then, Sandra?

And what about you, Eric? Have you had a nice day so far?

Aye, it's been lovely.

What have you been up to?

Well, Beth was going to take me up to Dobbies

for a scone, but then...

Well, but then I thought

we're coming here, so I didn't want to spoil our lunch.

Aye, so we just stuck the telly on.

What was it we watched again?

Just an old Poirot.

And how have you been, Christine,

since we last saw you?

Oh, well, is that pre or post-MRI, Sandra?

Erm... I think it was around

last Easter, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was. Ah.

Pre. Remind me to tell you about that later.

It was a good trip, that. We enjoyed that.

I'm surprised you came back, to be honest.

LAUGHTER No, no, no, we had a lovely time.

Feels like ages since I last saw you.

Aww.

Oh, how's your neighbours that we met?

Oh, Colin and Cathy?

Aye, they're fine. Well, she's away at the minute.

Oh, so he's on his own for Father's Day?

That's a bit of a shame. Oh, yeah, it is a bit.

You should have said for him to join us if he'd wanted.

Well, it's not ideal, is it? I mean,

people pitching up at the last minute.

Oh, we don't mind, do we? No. 'Course not.

Well, you could drop him a text

and see if he wants to come, I suppose.

Right.

Er, do we go up and order or...?

No, she said she'd bring menus over.

Right. So, are you going

to go for the carvery, Beth?

I think I probably will.

What about you? Yes, I think I probably will too.

Oh, well, I should prewarn you, Sandra,

that I have it on good authority

that they are very stingy with their meat in here.

Oh, really?

Yes. My friend dropped a slice of beef on the floor

and said she could see

the pattern of the carpet through it.

Oh.

They do a sticky toffee pudding, Mr Baird.

Aye? We made sure

before we booked it that they had those for you.

Oh, yes.

You can have it with cream or ice cream.

Or both, which Ian said you sometimes do at home.

Yeah.

Do you make your own sticky toffee, Beth?

Er, do you know, I don't think I ever have.

No, you haven't.

Sandra's is absolutely top class.

Oh. I've got time on my hands.

We keep saying she should go on Bake Off.

No soggy bottoms at your house, then, eh, Graham?

He-hey!

I like Bake Off. We always watch that together,

don't we, Beth? Yes, we do.

If anything, though, she's going backwards.

They're awful slow in here.

Oh!

CLICKS FINGERS

You see, that's the thing after Brexit, Sandra,

they're having to employ local girls.

Hi. Oh, hello, darling.

Just get you some menus here.

Thank you.

Just to let you know, you order at the bar. Just give them

the table number. If you're having carvery, you'll get a ticket.

Just take that to the hot counter and they'll serve you there, OK?

Thank you. Lovely. Thank you.

Wait till I get my specs on here.

Terrific selection.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh-ho-ho! Chilli burger, Beth.

Remember your white top?

Yes.

The veggie options all right, aye?

Yeah, good.

There's a pasta and there's a mushroom risotto. Oh?

So, what made you decide to stop eating meat, Gordon?

It was really just about the cruelty to the animals.

But the sound of him sharpening that knife

doesn't tempt you back?

Well, the burgers look good, but...

...no, I'm going to have to go for the carvery.

I think I'm going to go for the carvery myself, Eric.

Ah, I didn't realise it was unlimited veg.

Aye, you know why that is.

They just want you to load your plate up with peas,

so there's no room left for meat.

What about you, Christine? What are you going to go for?

Well, I am tempted by the carvery,

but I want to go up and have a look at it first.

What?

I've had reports, Ian.

Reports about what?

Thinly-sliced meat.

Who from?

A very reliable source.

Who?

Irene at the cattery.

Afternoon.

Excuse.

All righty?

Look at where he's down to on that beef.

Eh?

That's the arse end.

It's not a set of tongs he's needing,

it's a pair of fucking tweezers.

Aye.

Ah, there they are.

Hey! Hello.

Oh! Ah, hi, Colin.

Hello there.

Hello, Colin. It's nice to see you again.

Hi, Graham. Hi, Sandra.

This you up for a wee visit? Yeah, we're just stopping

with Gordon and Ian for a couple of nights.

All right, you two. Need to keep your hands

to yourselves with the parents there, eh?

Wait till I get this chair.

Right, very juicy gammon,

quite generous with his turkey,

but that beef is right down to the arse end

and he's still slicing it, so you know what that means.

We're gonnae have to time our run.

What? We'll have to wait

till the fresh beef joint comes out.

Oh, for God's sake.

You all right there, Colin? How you doing?

Aye, I'm... I'm good.

I've just been up to the cemetery, Graham.

Oh, right, I see.

Yeah, I just laid

a wee bunch of flowers down on my dad's grave.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Colin.

Yeah, well, you know, it's...

It's a tough day when they're not around any more.

Plus, it's on the way to B&Q,

so I was going up to get a tin of emulsion.

It's a very emotional day

for those of us no longer privileged to share the Earth

with our fathers.

Is your dad buried nearby?

Uddingston, Gordon.

Or is it Bathgate?

No, no, it's Uddingston.

Listen, shall we order? Yep.

Colin, do you want to have a quick look at the menu?

I don't need to, Ian. When you're coming to the carvery,

there's only one thing you can have.

Ah! You're right there, Colin.

So, how many carveries, then?

I'll have it, but I'm not going up

until there's another bit of beef out.

Right, so seven carveries.

And what does everyone want to drink?

Erm, Sandra, do you fancy some wine?

Shall we maybe get a bottle?

I'd only take a glass, Beth.

I'll split it with you, Beth.

Right, so you're having wine.

Aye, but I'll take a pint of cider

while I'm waiting on this fresh bit of beef coming.

Dad?

I'll have a pint.

Oh, that sounds good. What do you recommend?

If you're looking to get pissed,

I'd say Kronenbourg, Graham.

I'll see what they've got.

Ian! Ian!

Just having a wee look.

Yeah, Sauvignon Blanc's fine.

Two glasses, please.

Er, actually, three.

They've got Old Speckled Hen.

Oh, right, nice one.

How are things over at the hotplates?

Completely fine. I don't know what she's going on about.

It was nice of your mum and dad to bring her along.

I don't think they had much choice, to be honest.

Aww, well, maybe cos it's Father's Day,

she might know to take a bit of a back seat.

Have you ever had an MRI yourself, Sandra?

Erm, no.

Oh, it's a very intense experience.

If you can imagine

being wedged into an extremely tight space,

with nowhere to go

and just a steady and constant noise

going on and on and on. And what they do...

So, this is a Father's Day treat for you, then, is it, Graham?

It is, yes.

Ever so thoughtful, the boys, aren't they, Eric?

Oh, aye, they're not a bad pair.

Yeah. Breakfast in bed they did me this morning.

Did they? Oh, yes.

Oh, that's very nice.

And it didn't bother you eating in the same bed that they...?

The next time you're up,

you're more than welcome to stay at ours.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Beth. Did you hear that, Sandra?

Beth were just saying we're more than welcome to stay

with her if we come up again. Oh, yes. And likewise, if you're

ever down Skipton way, we've always got a bed for you.

Oh. That's very good of you.

Sandra does a smashing full English.

There's sausage, bacon, eggs,

home-made hash browns. Ooh.

I always like to look after my guests.

Oh, do you, Sandra? How are you fixed over New Year?

Here we go.

Oh, finally. Thanks, boys.

Well done, boys.

That's good. There we go.

Yep, that one's for my dad. And Colin...

That's the stuff. Thank you. Right, that's us.

Well done, Ian. There you go.

And then one, two, three.

Lovely. All right, thanks.

Here we are.

Right, happy Father's Day.

Sure. Er, Sandra?

Oh, just a small one. I don't really drink much nowadays, to be honest.

I don't really either, except at weekends.

And if Eric's out...

...and Christine's been in.

Ian, Ian.

It's the same bit.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

So, has everybody got? Lovely, thank you.

Oh, now, before I forget...

Och, you didn't need to bother.

CHUCKLES

Let's see it.

Aww, that's nice.

I'll tell you something, Sandra.

I'll be very glad when Card Factory is back to normal.

Oh, right.

That's terrific. Thanks very much. You didn't need to bother.

No, no.

Let me see?

What happened to yours, Graham?

He not getting one, Gordon? No, no,

I got mine this morning, didn't I?

You did, yes,

but I've got another little surprise for you.

Oh, have you done one of your poems?

Oh, he has and all. Wait till you hear this.

We do this for each other sometimes.

Oh, Father, Father Your day is here

For joints of beef and pints of beer.

Oh. Good luck with the beef.

That's very good.

So we've all come to celebrate

Everything that makes you great.

Aww.

You are the man who makes us proud

And today's the day to say it out loud.

You've kicked the balls and nursed the bruises

You've been there, come wins or loses... Sorry.

Monday mornings Lifts to school

Lessons in the swimming pool

You gave your time without complaint

You have the patience of a saint

But a father's job is never done

And for that I am grateful

Love from your son.

Oh.

Come here.

Oh, thanks, Gordon, son. That was lovely.

He must have had a hell of a sore time at school.

Can I just say, you are the best son we could possibly wish for, you are?

We couldn't be more proud of you.

Christ, he's not going to do a poem as well, is he?

You must be very proud of your Ian too, Eric.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Aye, he's done well.

Where is it you're working now, Ian?

EE. Doing really well there.

Somebody angling for an upgrade there, eh, Sandra?

It must be so lovely having him live so nearby, Beth.

We really miss Gordon.

Sandra found it quite difficult when Gordon moved out.

I did, yeah.

He's been away since he was 17. Haven't you, Ian?

Yeah, round about then, aye.

Have you? Mm.

Went first to live with an older guy that lived in a loft apartment.

Oh. Then that guy got some

young Brazilian in, and that was Ian back to theirs.

That's right, I remember that.

Eric going to collect him,

and all his stuff in black bags.

She found a jockstrap in amongst it.

Aye, well, these are the things you do

when you're a dad, eh?

You don't ask any questions.

I think he had pubic lice as well, Sandra.

She was out pegging bedsheets morning, noon and night.

I remember we had to go and fetch Gordon

from Scout camp up at Keswick once, do you remember?

He was ever so upset. Well, what happened?

Daniel Brotherston drew a cock on my face while I was asleep.

See, my dad was old school.

You just had to get on with it, as far as he was concerned.

Oh, mine was the same. You were frightened to go near him.

Really?

Ach, men in those days, they didn't take to do with kids.

They went out to work and when they came home,

they just wanted to be left alone

in peace and quiet.

What did your father do, Eric?

He was a bus driver.

Oh, was he? Mm.

We always thank the driver when we get off

the bus up here, Sandra.

Do you do that down your way as well?

And his father, he was a farm hand.

Cos my father used to tell us stories about

going into the field to help him pick potatoes.

We call them tatties, Sandra.

Maybe that's why you like crisps so much, Eric.

Have you ever done your family tree, Eric?

Och, not properly. I mean, Beth and I had a wee look online

and we traced it back a bit.

Ah. Yes, I found out

I've actually got some French blood in me.

Ooh-la-la. Posh.

Not that you would know

if you'd ever tasted her omelettes, Sandra.

Do you ever watch that

Who Do You Think You Are? Oh, yes, we do.

Did you see the one with Paul Hollywood?

His grandfather was Scottish.

Oh, was he?

Never once seen him do a crispy roll.

That grandfather'll be spinning in his grave.

My father's family originally came from the islands.

Stornoway, Sandra.

Stornoway. How do I know that?

Black pudding and broken-down ferries, Sandra.

And what about you, Graham? You ever

trace your family back? Well, no, not really.

See, thing is, I'm actually adopted.

Are you?

You're what?

Yeah, I was adopted at quite a young age.

So, your grandad, he's obviously my dad,

but just not my biological father.

I...I never knew that.

Well, we had always planned to tell you,

but we just never found the right time.

Right, yeah, sorry.

It's just cos we were talking about family trees.

I don't know what to say.

Well, it doesn't change anything.

Your grandad is still your grandad

and your dad still thinks of him as his dad.

Yeah, it doesn't change anything, really.

Yes, it's just a secret that's...

Well, not a secret,

erm, a piece of information that's been kept from you.

And, as Ian says, it doesn't change anything.

Just feels a bit weird.

So, was it all done officially

or was it the old basket on the doorstep?

Sorry, son, if it's a bit of a shock.

I didn't mean to quite tell you like that.

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm quite hungry.

Yes, let's go and get our food.

Yep. Let's do it.

And I'll tell you something,

it had better be a proper gravy boat that they've got

and not just a tub with a big spoon sticking out it.

Right, got your tickets, eh? Yeah.

OK.

God, you pick your moments, Graham.

Well, I just thought,

"Why am I not telling the truth about this?"

It might have been nice

if you didn't do it in front of everyone.

They're all right.

Christine's more worried about the bloody beef.

Did you know that about Graham?

No, I had no idea.

Do you think Gordon's all right?

Yeah, I think so.

A wee bit of everything, please.

Risotto.

Hmm?

Are you the risotto?

Er, yeah.

A few of these, I think.

LOW CHATTER

Right, let's see what's going on up here.

What?

Oh, you have got to be joking.

Excuse me?

Are you still hacking away at that?

What do you mean?

Well, when's the new one coming out?

Whenever this one's finished.

It IS finished.

It's not a knife you need with that,

it's a fucking razor blade.

SHE SIGHS

Disgraceful.

Trying to palm me off with his wee dried-up end bit.

Well, I'll tell you what, I'll beat him at his own game.

I'm waiting on those doors swinging open

and a fresh one coming out.

And what's more, he can go right into the middle of it.

I don't want any of his silly wee starter slices.

Is that you got yours?

Mm-hm.

What is it again?

Risotto.

Risotto.

Ooh, look at this!

Oh, what have you got?

Oh, just a bit of everything.

Looks delicious.

Did you take the beef off him?

Yes, we did.

Looks OK. Mm.

What about you, Beth?

I just went for the gammon and the turkey.

You what?

Oh, that's enough for me.

Oh, this looks good, eh?

Oh.

Yeah.

All right?

How come you've not got your plate?

Because I am not a mug.

HE SIGHS

Thanks very much, Beth. Cheers.

Delicious. Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm?

No.

Nice, eh?

It's delicious.

Lovely, Eric. Very nice indeed. How's yours, Gordon?

Fine, thanks. So, who was your real father?

Sorry?

Who was your real father?

If Grandad weren't my real grandad, then who was?

Well, I don't know

too much about him, to be honest.

As far as I'm concerned,

my dad's my dad and that's what matters.

Yes, especially...Father's Day, Gordon.

But weren't you curious?

I mean, if you just suddenly find something like that out,

it's only natural to want to know more, isn't it?

I only got the basic information, to be honest.

I was never that interested in digging around.

So, who was he?

Gordon! No, I'm interested.

I don't know. I don't have any more information.

If I did, I'd tell you.

Would you?

Gordon!

I mean, how do I know? You could tell me anything.

What else? What other secrets have you got?

Gordon, just cool it.

What other things do I not know? I mean, am I adopted?

What? No. How do I know that?

For goodness' sake, of course you're not.

Oh, am I not? How do I know?

How do I know you won't just suddenly say,

"Oh, by the way, Gordon, forgot to tell you

"but we're not actually your real mum and dad"?

Because we can prove it!

How?

Because I took a paternity test.

I took a paternity test

and you are definitely my son.

Did you have to wank into a cup, Graham?

Why would you take a paternity test?

Well, the thing is, Gordon,

back when I first met your dad,

we were living quite different lives.

I mean, he was working in an office nine-to-five,

and at that time I was quite heavily involved

in the nightclub scene in Manchester. You know,

drinking, taking drugs, staying out all night.

Anyway, by the time you were born,

I'd settled down with your dad,

but because I'd been so active,

we just wanted to make sure that you were definitely his

and not DJ Lightning or Rastalad's or...

...Carl Jennings'.

I mean, the dates with Carl were quite close, to be honest.

And I'd been in Ibiza round about the same time,

so there were a couple of Dutch PRs

that I had to rule out as well. And, um...

Fresh joint is out, if any of you are wanting.

Oh. Just pause the list a minute, Sandra,

till I get a bit of this beef.