Original subtitles

Could I see it up, please?

And back down.

I like it. I can...see you on that.

Let's see this basin again.

Oh, it's awful shallow.

I'd never be able to steep a bra in that.

Right. Well, shall we go back and look at the Farnborough again?

At least you liked the flush on that.

Oh, aye, I did - it had a nice feel to it.

Mind you, there was that cheap plastic seat.

I can just see that getting stuck

to the back of my legs in the summer months.

You see, I'm just not that keen on the wall-mounted.

I like a cistern.

Ah, well, you've still got a cistern.

Ah, but not one I can sit my newspaper on.

Do you really need to keep a newspaper in your bathroom?

Oh, between the omelettes and the codeine,

that is a lot of time to be sat staring at the floor.

Christine, we've been round the whole store.

You've seen every single suite they've got.

Can you no' just pick something?

Fair enough, fair enough.

It probably is time that we made a decision.

HE SIGHS

Let's go back and look at the Leamington.

Oh! I'm exhausted.

It's the adrenaline rush, Beth,

when the deal's all done.

I was the same when I got that double toaster.

I thought we were never going to get out of there.

Well, it's a big commitment for me, Eric.

This might be the last toilet that I ever buy.

Let's hope so.

Well, I thought they were very good in the shop.

Oh, yes, they were.

They were wonderful.

It's just a pity that first guy

couldn't see the whole thing through.

Yes, well, I don't think he was rostered on for a double shift.

Right, who wants a cup of tea?

Oh, aye, please. I'm gasping.

Oh, yes, please, Beth.

I think we deserve it, my darling.

I think we deserve a bloody medal.

Right, let's get a look at these tiles.

Oh, for God's sake.

Last piece of the jigsaw, Eric.

TILES RATTLE

Oh, yeah, I...

Nah, that's awful similar

to the one I've got.

Well, stick with what you know.

Ah, you say that, but, as the girl in the shop said,

"Be brave, Christine."

And she was right because that is what led me

to the freestanding toilet roll holder.

Mm...

See, I quite like that.

Now, you see a lot of that around.

No, it looks like the one they've got

in the loos at the bus station.

Well?

Oh, aye. "On you go, Christine,

"and while you're at it, why not complete the look

"and put a wee Tampax machine in one corner

"and a junkie in the other?"

HE GRUMBLES

Oh, now... Mm-hm.

What, you like that? I do!

If I remember correctly, these were more expensive.

Listen, if it'll finish the job, I'll pay for it myself.

Mm.

What do you think of these, Beth?

Yeah, I like that one.

Yeah. Yeah, you know, but it is more expensive, though.

Bigger tile, less grout.

Oh, that's true - save on grout.

Oh, yes indeed.

Well, this is the one.

Right, will I phone them and let them know?

Oh, if you don't mind, Beth.

Have you got an order number?

Och, just say O'Neill,

the Farnborough suite with the Jasper toilet.

And could you thank that wee girl

that came through with the paper towels?

If I'd known that bidet wisnae plumbed in,

I would never have tipped my tea down it.

Well, Eric, feels good to know it's all done, eh?

Aye. I don't know what I'll do with all my free time.

DOORBELL

How are you doing, Colin?

Are you wanting a set of golf balls?

Eh? Golf balls. You wanting them?

Where'd you get these?

BMW. They were a gift.

See, what happened was I put the car in to get the alloys touched up.

You'll no' need to worry about that wi' the old Vectra.

But, anyway, I went to pick it up and it wisnae ready,

and the guy says, "I'm awfully sorry," and he gave me these.

Oh, that's very decent of you.

Ah, it's not a problem, Eric.

Gave me a big umbrella as well, but I'm keeping that.

Right.

Er, do you want to come in for a tea, then?

Actually, do you know what?

I may as well. I've got nothing else to do.

Hey!

Hi, Colin. Ah, Colin.

How are you doing, Christine?

Oh, I have just pressed go on a new bathroom suite.

Oh, aye? Very good.

What are you going for?

Farnborough bath and sink, Jasper toilet.

And just this minute,

I've given the go-ahead to a 10x8 tile.

I'm on hold. Good for you.

And were you involved in all this, were you?

Heavily.

CHRISTINE SLURPS TEA It's been quite a thorough process.

Mm-hm.

As I said to Eric, this could be the last toilet I ever buy.

Well, unless there's another big leap forward

in flush technology.

Shall we just get this one out of the way first?

I don't think I could go through all that again.

Excuse me, Eric,

but this is a lot of money for me to spend.

This is the biggest single outlay I have made

since I booked those flights to Shannon.

I tell you who you should have spoken to.

Who? Alan.

I never thought of that.

I mean, he can get stuff wholesale.

Oh, you're no' thinking of involving Alan

at this stage of the game, are you?

I mean, it's all done.

And what tap is it you've got?

The Melbury. Right.

Melbury tap, Farnborough bath and sink

and the toilet's a Jasper.

Aye, it's a nice pan, that.

Sturdy as well. Mm.

My pal Davey's got it and he's 18st.

Oh?

Aye, you've picked well.

I tell you what tap fits the Farnborough, but it's cheaper.

What's that?

The Bedford. Oh, the Bedford.

The Bedford!

I'm sure I looked at that.

Did I not, Beth?

I don't know, Christine.

Aye, I'm sure I did.

What was that place we went to through in Penicuik?

Was it Wickes? No, Wickes is on the way out to Linwood.

No, it's no' in Linwood,

but there's a big B&Q there, though.

Oh, it might have been B&Q. Yeah.

Does B&Q do the Bedford, Alan?

No. Where was it I saw it, then?

What's the name of that place at the roundabout at Hillington?

You're thinking of Topps Tiles.

Oh, aye, so I am.

Oh, we never thought about going there, Eric.

Oh, for the love of God,

we're no' going away out hunting for tiles again.

Alan, what's the score with this tap?

It's basically the same as what you've got,

but I can get it at cost.

Oh!

SHE SIGHS

I could maybe see if they could take the taps off the order.

I think so, Beth.

Right, I'll go and give them a ring.

HE SIGHS

So, what's Michelle up to today, then?

Away into the town.

Ah! So's Cathy. Mm.

Actually, she'll be back shortly.

I'd better let her know that I'm in here.

Is it the Bedford taps you've got yourself, Alan?

Aye. And what suite's that with?

Warrington.

Oh, Warrington.

Warrington!

Did we see that, Er...?

Oh.

Ours is all German. Is it?

Aye. His-and-hers sinks, underfloor heating

and a walk-in shower wi' a wee hand-held thing.

Oh, they're very popular.

You see, there's been a real decline in demand for the bidet

and that has created a gap in the market.

People still want to feel cleaner than they can get with paper alone,

but without sacrificing the wall space.

Aye, it's all different, eh?

I mean, I remember when we didn't even have showers.

There was a bath and it was in front of the fire.

SHE CHUCKLES

That was back in the day, when he was working as a chimney sweep.

THEY CHUCKLE I'll tell you better than that.

Your toilet wisnae even inside.

It was out the back and you had to share it with the rest of the close.

Aw, naw, I hate sitting on the toilet

and feeling it's still warm fae the guy before.

Oh, aye! Oh, no, I don't like that!

Even if it's Michelle, I don't really like it.

Mm. The worst is service stations.

See the state some folk leave them in? Mm.

Fuckin' animals, Eric.

I went into one on the M6 and it was such a mess,

I had to pee in the sink.

Ugh.

They're just the right height for that, in't they? Oh, yeah.

I did that once in the sleeper back up fae London.

I believe it was somewhere between Lancaster and Preston.

Beth, you ever had to do the toilet in a sink?

What?

DOOR BELL

Not to my knowledge. OK.

BOTH: Hi!

Oh! I've come to rescue my husband.

Ah, right.

Well, in you come.

Where have you two been? We've been in town.

She dragged me to the pub!

Excuse me, it was you that dragged me!

LAUGHTER

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, I didn't know you were here!

Oh, there's Alan! Hello, Alan! And how are you today?

No' bad, aye. Good.

I am pleased to hear that.

And where have you two been?

We bumped into each other in Zara and ended up going for lunch.

Oh! Very nice.

It was, Beth. The food was amazing.

What did you have?

Starter-sized nachos and four glasses of wine.

Oh!

Where did you go?

We went to that place in the Merchant Quarter.

You know that place that used to be the old Royal Bank?

Oh, aye! Oh, yeah.

We had, like, a little booth all to ourselves, didn't we?

Mm. Very swanky.

It was. I was vaping and nobody could see me.

What'd you buy?

Oh, my God, I got a new pair of boots.

They're absolutely stunning.

God knows when I'll get to wear them,

but they're absolutely gorgeous.

Get them out and show him.

MICHELLE GIGGLES

Blame her - she made me try them on.

CATHY CHUCKLES

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh-ho! Oh, they're very striking.

Yeah, put them on, Michelle!

No!

Aye, on you go!

MICHELLE GIGGLES

So, er, you went around the shops together, then, did you?

We did, yeah.

We had to stop and have a glass of Prosecco in Frasers.

Oh, yeah, well, it's thirsty work, shopping, isn't it?

CHRISTINE: Oh, it is, Michelle.

I often have to open my pint of milk on my way round Morrisons.

MICHELLE ZIPS BOOT

CATHY GASPS

Oh, let's see you! Come on, up you get!

Ah, no!

Yes, get up, walk around a bit.

MICHELLE SIGHS

Oh, yes! Look at you.

You are on fire, missus!

MICHELLE GIGGLES

Do you know, they're actually really comfy.

They make your legs look really long, Michelle.

Aye, so they do! Big, long legs with feet like a leopard.

MICHELLE CHUCKLES

What do you think, Alan?

Aye, they're good. Aye.

You'll no' be able to drive the van in them, though.

You got new boots, didn't you, Beth?

Oh...

Aye, the quilted ones with the wee Velcro flap over the tongue.

That was a while ago. Was it?

Er, yeah, they were winter boots I got when there was snow.

Oh, that's right - you'd fallen.

She'd fallen and she needed something wi' a better grip.

MICHELLE: Aww!

Anyway, who'd like a cup of tea?

Let me think.

Er, cup of tea...

Er, no!

Glass of wine, er, yes, please!

Large.

SHE GIGGLES

Michelle?

She'll have the same.

So, how come you're over here?

She's getting a new bathroom put in.

Oh, are you?

CHRISTINE: Yes.

You're not the only one that's been treating themselves.

MICHELLE: I didn't know about this!

CHRISTINE: Oh, yes, it's been going on for quite a while now.

Aye, no' half, it has.

So is it a whole new bathroom, is it?

CHRISTINE: It is, Michelle.

Farnborough for the bath and basin, but toilet - a Jasper.

And I was going for the Melbury taps,

but Alan has assured me that the Bedford is every bit as good,

so he's supplying them separately.

MICHELLE: Aw, Alan, that's good that you're helping Christine.

Aww, well done, Alan,

for helping Christine have a nice new shitter.

I was telling them that ours is aw German, Cath.

Oh, I love German stuff,

with the Bosch, Audi...

Lidl.

Here, Beth, I was just filling Michelle in on the new suite.

You didnae like the look of the Farnborough toilet either, did you?

Oh... What was it you said?

Erm, I just, er, thought the cistern was a wee bit boxy.

Everything's a button top for the flush now.

One for your liquids, two together for your bigger business.

And that means that the cisterns themselves are that bit sleeker.

Is that your brochures there?

It is, aye. Aye, let's see.

Oh, there you go.

Right, that's us.

Oh!

They did you a floor plan as well, did they?

Aye, they did.

That's actually version nine you've got.

Oh, aye. Right, so you've got your window there... Mm-hm.

..and you've got your bath there...

..and your...your sink's th...

I'm not sure you're making the most of the space here.

What? Well, you've got that big bit of space

between the toilet and the door.

I mean, you could be having a towel rail there.

Did anybody talk to you about a heated towel rail?

No.

Look, Colin...

Alan, you'd get a towel rail in there, wouldn't you?

Aye. You could.

What are you talking about? Fae the toilet to where?

The door.

Right, look, I'm here, right?

The window's there, the bath's there, sink's there,

Eric's the toilet,

and that big space between the toilet and the door, that's just...

Well, it's just lying empty.

He's right.

How did you no' notice that, Beth?!

Tut-tut-tut, Beth!

See, if you were only putting a shower in there,

you could have actually had the sink on the other wall. Mm-hm.

Oh, no, but I like a bath, Alan.

That's fair enough, but... you've put the 1700 in there.

See if you went for the 1200, you could've had both.

Could I?

Aye, if you'd went across the way.

Oh, see, I like a bath across the way.

MICHELLE: Mm-hm. Well, that's how we've got ours.

Could she get a corner bath?

Ooh, I'd love one of them, with the Jacuzzi jets.

Oh! MICHELLE CHUCKLES

Listen, we looked at every single range

of bath, basin and toilet they had,

and then we looked at every possible layout,

so any bright ideas about changing it,

you go ahead, but leave me out of it.

CATHY: Col, what did you say Eric was again?

Er, toilet.

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY

ERIC GROANS

LAUGHTER

Cathy!

There was a group of girls next to us

and they were having a full afternoon tea

with the cakes, the wee sandwiches, Prosecco.

One bottle between six.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

I love afternoon tea.

Oh, she does.

Now that Greggs have stools,

we often go in and have soup and a scone, don't we?

Y-yes.

I'll tell you where's good in the afternoon - Wetherspoons.

Aye? Aye. We go in sometimes on a Tuesday, don't we?

Yes, sometimes.

Is it curry club on a Tuesday?

No, that's moved back to Thursday.

We usually have a gammon steak, don't we?

Yes, we do.

We'll maybe need to give it a try.

I don't think Wetherspoons is my kind of place.

Bottle of wine, £8, pint of cider, £2.50, Cath.

I might pop in and see.

Do you know where does a good lunch?

Osaka. Have you ever been there?

No. No, I don't think so.

Remember we went, Alan?

It does this sort of Asian-style street food,

but really nice cocktails.

Really unusual ones.

Aye? What'd you go for, Alan?

Pint of lager.

We'll maybe have to give that a go, Col. Mm.

Well, listen, if you fancy it, I could book it

and we could go out for lunch one day.

What, just me and you? Yeah, why not?

I mean, we could go for lunch, have a couple of drinks,

do a bit of shopping.

Oh, yes, let's do this, Michelle!

I love going into shops half-cut.

What about that, eh? Wee girls' day out.

Me and Pat used to enjoy a Saturday morning in BHS.

Into the bedding department for a quick look round,

then up to the cafe for scrambled eggs and a pot of tea,

then she'd sneak back into bedding for a wee lie-doon.

Why have we never done this before?

Hmm? You know, going out, just the two of us?

Och, well, I suppose we're both busy, Michelle.

Yeah.

Well, you know, if I'm honest, I was never sure you'd want to.

No, all you had to do was ask!

I know, but...

..I think I was a wee bit frightened to.

Why? Well, you can be quite intimidating.

Me?!

That's one thing about Cath - you know where you are with her.

Don't you, Beth?

Oh, yes.

Normally two drinks behind.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, all right, Beth...

QUIETLY: ..you boring cow.

Right, well, shall I get it booked, then?

Yes! Please do!

All right if I use your loo, Eric?

Aye, on you go, Alan.

Here, Alan, wait till you see the daft wee sink

that they've got in there!

My Farnborough basin puts it to shame.

MICHELLE: So are you looking forward

to getting your new bathroom, then, missus?

Michelle!

Very much so, Michelle.

Oh, a lot of good memories in that current suite.

A lot of good baths,

a lot of good shampoos at that basin.

And a lot of great big shits on the toilet - well done, you.

HE GROANS

And are those the tiles that you're going with?

CHRISTINE: Yes, the 8x10, Michelle, my darling.

Well, the fashion nowadays is for the subway style,

but I don't want my new bathroom to carry the feel of a transport hub.

MICHELLE: Listen, Alan knows a tiler, if you want,

who can get them at cost.

CHRISTINE: Does he?

TOILET FLUSHES

Christine, I've told them what tile you're having.

It's all confirmed.

Aye, it's all sorted.

Christine, your tiles are chosen. Everything's done.

Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to,

it's just that Alan's pal's a tiler, so...

What's this?

Oh, Alan, I was just saying that Marco does the tiling.

Maybe he could have helped to do Christine's.

Maybe, aye, but he doesn't really do wee jobs any more.

Ah, well, there you go, then.

Aye, he does contracts for big hotels.

Oh, he'll make good money at that.

Aye, he does spas and stuff as well.

Does he? Mm. What ones?

Because we're going to one, aren't we, Cath?

Yeah, we are. The Perth Hydro.

Have you been there, Michelle?

No. Oh, you'd love it.

Steam room, sauna, Jacuzzis.

That sounds amazing - just totally recharge.

Yeah, you just sit about in a dressing gown drinking wine.

It's fucking great.

In fact, why don't you come? Well...

She'd love it, wouldn't she, Col?

Oh, it's some place, aye.

Oh...

Aye, why no'?

You're due your waxing and stuff anyway.

Well, it sounds great.

Erm, Christine, would you like to come?

CHRISTINE: Oh! That's not for me.

MICHELLE: Mm. Beth, have you been?

Er, no, no.

Well, do you fancy it?

Cathy, could Beth and Eric come as well?

Erm, well, it's...

Yeah!

Well, that'd be great.

When was the last time you treated yourself?

Oof! Ages.

That's not true - you bought yourself

a three-pack of tights in Matalan the other day.

Mm.

Right, let's do this. I'm in. Beth, are you up for it?

Er, yes. When is it?

Er, it's, er, the weekend of the 22nd.

22nd...

That works for me.

Yeah, we've got nothing on that weekend.

Brilliant! Let's do this, then, ladies!

Let's do it, Michelle!

You and me are going to have so much fun.

Beth, you...you'll be there too.

Yeah.

Wait a minute, what did you say, the 22nd?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

CHRISTINE: But that's the weekend my new bathroom's going in.

Oh...

Oh, shame.

Well, you'll be all right, Christine, will you not?

Aye, it's all organised. You'll be fine.

Just make sure and fill a couple of buckets up

for anything you need during the day.

What?

Aye, well, obviously you'll be turned off at the mains.

But where will I go to the toilet?

Maybe leave one of the buckets empty.

MICHELLE: Oh... CHRISTINE: What?!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Workmen hammering away while I'm peeing into a bucket?!

Will you be away the whole weekend?

I think we'll maybe have to pass on the spa, Michelle.

HE SIGHS

Thanks for the offer, but, er, I should be here.

Beth, come here.

As a special treat for helping me out,

I want you to be the first guest

to use those new facilities once they're in.

I'll look forward to that.

Ah, here, and I'll leave a wee pack of moist tissues

on the top of the cistern, just for you.

Here, Alan, do you play golf?

No' really, naw. I've done putting.

There's a course up at the Hydro.

You and me could get a game in

when they're in getting all their stuff done.

That sounds good, Alan.

Aye, I suppose we could. I've no' got any clubs, though.

I'll lend you a set. I've got a spare set.

Aye, right. All right, then.

Oh, hang about, there's a missing putter in that set.

Eric, you've got it.

What? Mind I lent you the putter oot o' the spare set?

Mind yours was rusted in the boot of your car?

Oh, aye, aye.

Away and get it, would you?

Now?!

Aye, well, Alan wants to see it. Come on.

HE SIGHS

Oh, Beth?

Top-up?

Yeah.

QUIETLY: Could...could I get one?

HE SIGHS

So what do you wear for, like, dinner and stuff? Is it quite posh?

It is quite dressy, yeah, yeah,

but you'll be fine.

Ah.

Oh, my God, why don't you wear them?

MICHELLE GASPS

Do you think?

What with? Like black jeans?

Yes! Black jeans!

They'd look amazing with skin-tight black jeans.

Oh, my God, I can't wait!

Thanks so much for inviting us.

That's all right, honey.

Me and you are going to have so much fun!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, there he is!

Aye, that's it.

Look at that, Alan. It's nice, eh?

Here, stand up and give it a wee try.

I'm going to nip to the toilet.

CHRISTINE: Oh, right. There you go.

How's that? Wait till I see...

Aye. Aye.

Eric, where's these balls I gave you?

Give him a wee shot at it.

Actually, might as well just give them to him.

You don't mind, Eric, do you?

Naw, you don't need to do that.

No, it's all right, they were a present.

I got them for free, gave them to him,

so I can just take them back.

There you go.

Right, let's see you.

Right...

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, look at that - he's a natural.

Hey, wait, wait, we'll get you something to aim at.

Beth, er, have you got a mug he could use?

What? He needs something to aim at, like...like the hole.

Come on, Beth, get Alan a hole.

ERIC SCOFFS

DOOR OPENS

THUD!

Oh, what the hell was that?!

MICHELLE LAUGHS

Oh, my God, I nearly fell coming out yer wee toilet!

Are you all right?

Och, I'm fine, it's these bloody boots!

Christ, I'm lucky I never came through that wall there!

HE CHUCKLES

Right, that's enough drinks for me!

Aye, don't want you doing a Cathy!

I nearly did!

LAUGHTER

Sorry, what was that, Alan?

I'm saying she'd better cool it with the drink

before she lands on her arse.

Oh, and that's "doing a Cathy", is it?

Och, look, it's nothing, it's just a wee saying we've got, you know,

when things are getting a wee bit out of hand.

Or if things are kicking off, if there's an argument starting -

it can mean that as well, can't it?

Oh. I see.

Aw, look, Cathy, it's just a wee jokey thing.

So I'm just a joke, am I?

No, no, no, Cathy, it's not like that.

That's nice, isn't it?

It's nice when your friends think you're a joke.

Cathy, it's not like that.

Come on, now, Cath.

CATHY: Shut up, Eric, ya big fuckin' arsehole!

I mean, I'm not going to sit here and be made a fool of!

I'll tell you something else...

CATHY SLAMS DOWN GLASS

..you're not coming to the spa.

Aw, Cathy! He's not coming either!

Get that off him. What?

Get the putter off him.

Get the balls back. Huh?

Take your balls back!

But I don't need them!

Well, fucking give them to Eric, then.

There you go, squire. Second time lucky.

THEY GASP

Come on, Col!

Oh, my goodness!

CATHY SIGHS I need the fuckin' toilet now.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, Christine, I'm sorry - that's one of your wee tiles there.

CHRISTINE: Oh, don't worry, Michelle.

It's just a sample one.

In fact, looking at that...

..I don't think that's the right one.

What?

I think that's the wrong tile.

Either that or the suite, that Farnborough...

Nut.

I have been rushed into this whole thing.

Beth, you need to phone them.

# One more day, two more day

# Three more day to go

# Three more day, two more day

# One more day to go

# One more day till I get her inside my brain

# I've thrown my baby out with the bathwater

# What did I do?

# Throwing my baby out with the bathwater

# Throwing my baby out with the bathwater... #