Original subtitles

You think this was my idea?

No, there's nothing I can do.

Don't shoot the messenger, man!

I just told you.

There's nothing we can do. It's done.

You were serious about that track suit, eh?

Stop yelling, bro.

Shut the fuck up, Sanguinet.

- Was that Sanguinet? - No, Han Solo.

Where is he? The Millennium Falcon.

- Huh? - At home.

Why is Sanguinet at home?

- He's not coming. - Ziig smells like

a chicken coop, but he'll get used to it

just like everybody else. - Fuck you, Shoresy.

Don't worry, Ziig. New smells just mean

you're becoming a woman. - Fuck you, Shoresy!

- Why isn't Sanguinet here? - Because the NOSHO folded.

Huh?

The NOSHO fold--

The entire league folded?

There were only five teams.

We've been hanging on by a thread for a while.

Cunt hair away from a full on collapse.

- The Soo Hunt folded? - They're the only ones

that didn't, leaving them and us.

- What about Timmins? - Not enough players.

- And North Bay? - Not enough ice.

- And the other Soo? - Bankrupt.

And there's nothing you can do?

We would have done it.

I'm sorry, Shoresy. I tried.

Look, there was a lot of buildup to get you to coach.

We can figure something out.

Don't be a liar. - The transition to life

after hockey is tough. We'll continue to be here.

Don't be a pussy. - Then stop standing there

like you had a miscarriage, bitch.

Did you not fuckin' feed it today?

Buck up and go get your dick sucked.

Should just keep some fuckin' crumbled up treats

in a baggie in your desk. - No one's more disappointed

than I am, Shoresy.

I grew up in this league. I'm devastated it's gone.

- It's not that. - Senior hockey is not dead.

Far from it. - It's not that either.

Then what is it, slut? You pooped yourself?

He's probably sad he won't get to wear

that track suit again.

Oh, my God, he is!

It's iconic! What?

- This blue, it's iconic. - It's a Care Bear colour.

Don't you think I look like a celebrity?

You don't look like a celebrity.

Huh? - He looks like gay Run DMC.

Well, not like a celebrity, but like a personality?

You look like a fuckin' popsicle.

- Bro, more baby blue? - I think this is more

of a robin's egg blue.

- It's a hibiscus blue. - It's an Easter colour.

You're a fashion guy now, eh?

I read in Men's Health that your clothes

are supposed to make you feel good.

- So? - So, I'd never thought

of that before.

Ten seconds out of hockey

and he's Coco Chanel. - He's Lady Gaga.

He's Zendaya.

Anik Archambault.

The NOSHO's folding?

Yeah, you gonna say sorry to hear?

Come to Toronto.

No then, eh?

Toronto. Now.

Why?

We're gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.

- Have a go. - New panel, new personalities.

- Refused. - Stay with us.

Hey, Shoresy! Good to see you again.

Hey, Mike. You try that Malaysian spot

I was telling you about?

Yeah! The satay was unreal.

Hey, try the beef rendang.

- One topic. - One-time thing.

Where the game was, where the game is,

where the game's going.

That's three topics,

all boring.

Welcome back, Shoresy.

Hey, Erin. You still got your kid in dance?

She's the worst one there.

I told ya, put her in hockey!

You paying for it?

Your old teammates have missed you.

How do you remember everyone's name?

I'm so bad at it.

Here's the trick: get good at it.

- That's the ticket, eh? - That's how you build

a winning culture. Mike, what is that shirt?

Birthday present from my girlfriend.

Put it in the garbage. Fuck you, Shoresy!

Come on, Shoresy. It's clear you had some fun around here.

One more, for old time's sake.

Well then, make me an offer I actually can't refuse.

Gretzky.

Wayne Gretzky.

- Wayne Gretzky. - Are we just saying words,

or am I gonna get some actual information here?

You're going on TV here today with Wayne Gretzky.

Are you gonna sneeze?

I think a bug flew in his mouth.

Just give a second.

Are you crying?

Just give me a second.

- Is he crying? - Are you crying?

He's crying!

Can I go sit in someone's car for a minute?

- Why are you crying? - 'Cause my whole life just

flashed before my eyes. It's emotional.

- What are you talking about? - Just all those years I was

sure I was gonna be a fuckin' loser.

You're not out of the weeds yet.

Just wish I could go back and tell that kid

he's going on TV with Wayne Gretzky. - The Great One himself.

Just wish I could go back and tell that kid

everything's gonna be all right. - 99 arrives in one hour.

Ah, fuck.

Just give me a fuckin' Kleenex.

Use your tampon!

Oh, shut the fuck up, Mike, you tit fucker.

Dad. Hey, how are you now?

What're you doin'? I'm at a...

Actually, it doesn't matter.

I'm going on TV with Wayne Gretzky.

What?

Yeah, I'm going on TV with Wayne Gretzky.

What are you talking about? Where are you?

I'm in Toronto, I'm at BROdude,

and Wayne Gretzky is on his way here.

We're going on TV. Together?

Yes, just the greatest hockey player of this generation,

or any other, and me.

I know. Shoresy.

I know! Shoresy, and all these years you were pretty sure

you were gonna be a fuckin' loser-- - A fuckin' loser, I know!

It's crazy. Ah boy, and look at you now.

It's crazy.

I'm so proud of you. Does your brother know?

No, I'm gonna call him next. You better call him.

Yeah, I'm gonna give him a call.

Well, give him a call. - Well, Dad I gotta get ready

for the fuckin' Great One. Give him a call

then call me back. - Yeah, I'll give ya a call.

Love ya, have fun. - Yep. Love you, bye.

Yo.

Hey, Mo!

What's up? I'm working.

Remember all those years you were pretty sure

I was gonna be a fuckin' loser?

A loser or dead, yeah.

What are you doin' right now?

Bakin' some Timbits then I'm on the drive-thru

window 'til end of shift. Why?

I'm about to go on TV with Wayne Gretzky.

What?!

Yeah. Who's the loser now, bitch?

Are you kidding? - Don't shoot the messenger.

Do you know how many times I've said that today?

I'm sorry, Nat. Ice is harder and harder to come by.

We've got too many players, too many teams.

Kids in sports stay off the streets.

If the Bulldogs are folding,

we have to give your weekly ice times to someone else.

- What a punt to the cunt. - And once the ice is gone,

it's gonna be really hard to get back.

- Just like that. - There's no grace period?

- To what? - To get our shit together.

The body's still fuckin' warm, woman.

- Ziig. - What?

This is our barn,

our banners in the rafters,

our name on the marquee.

- Bulldog Hockey, baby. - Don't shoot the messenger.

You can take the dog out of the fight--

We just won the country here!

How long do we have?

I'm worried the dog will bite. I'm sorry, I'm just...

a bit pent up.

Needs to get laid.

- How long? - The basketball team

needs the Bulldogs dressing room ASAP.

What?! Calm down.

The basketball team also needs this office.

What?!

Wanna talk about that Sudbury church league

thatot banned from their rink? - Those guys play like psychos.

Anik!

- Don't smile like that. - Can't help it.

- You'll freak him out. - I can't help it.

I know, I'm excited too.

Say something so I can check your levels.

I was sure I was gonna be a fuckin' loser.

- Me too. You're good. - Thanks, Erin.

Your one eyelid droops a little bit though, eh?

I don't fuckin' care. I'm going on TV with Wayne.

Gretzky.

What?

Wayne Gretzky.

Are we just saying words again,

or am I gonna get some actual-- - He's not coming.

He cancelled.

- Fer what? - 'Cause he's a fuckin' asshole.

Em. No.

He's a fuckin' asshole.

He said he'd be here, he said he'd do this,

so where is he? Not here, not doing this.

I told my bosses I got Wayne Gretzky.

I told my husband, I told my friends.

It's the first time my kids have thought I was cool. Ever.

It's not his fault.

Aren't you angry? Disappointed?

We brought you in all the way from Sudbury,

told you you were going on TV with your hero.

Now it's off. None of it's happening.

I think that warrants a little bit of irritability.

What do you think?

I think...

...Gretzky to Lemieux for the win.

- Sorry? - I think 50 goals in 39 games.

163 assists in a single season.

Are we just saying words or am I gonna get

some real information here? - I think Wayne Gretzky

even planning on coming here today

is still the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

You're fucking with me, right?

Like, the guy's been carrying the sport of hockey on his back

for 50 years. Give him a break. - He's fucking with me.

I've gotta think a sports icon, global celebrity,

and hockey god is a pretty full card.

- He's not fucking with you. - Wayne Gretzky has been

a superstar since he was ten.

Scored 400 goals as a grade-schooler

and became a media sensation.

Look what other child stars are doing right now.

You're lucky he doesn't have a needle in his arm.

Yeah, being called The Great One since fourth grade

might have produced a slightly different reality

for him than our own. - Now, what's he been

doing instead?

Serving up legendary moments

for our country on a regular basis

while remaining quiet, humble, and thankful.

- The most Canadian things. - Four Canada Cups,

a World Cup, an Olympic hockey gold.

He was an executive for the gold medal, not a player.

Not to mention four Stanley Cups in a Canadian city.

Haven't seen one of those up here in a few decades, have we?

See a playoff game in Edmonton

before you die. Trust me.

That's a city with an identity.

The City of Champions. Because of 99.

Honourable mention to Messier. Coffey.

- Mike, oh, my God. - Fuhr.

Shut the fuck up, Mike!

- Are you done, Shoresy? - Not even close.

Sports bring this country together.

Think about all the times

we packed the bars and then packed the streets

'cause Gretzky had a goal and three assists.

Gretzky to Lemieux. Gretzky to Messier.

Gretzky with the hat trick. Gretzky does it again.

Yeah, we're standing here with our dicks in our hand

because this guy doesn't show up

and you're not even a little bit pissed off. Why?

'Cause the hockey world looks out for each other.

Ya think we're just sayin' it?

What do you wanna do with this segment?

Shoresy's got all the answers.

I've never been more ready in my life!

Oh, come on!

They just found out the league is folding

and that they won't be playing hockey this year.

Thank God the strip club's open again.

And now you want us to tell them

to go get their shit out too? - Why prolong it?

All on a Sudbury Saturday night.

Nat, that's cunty even by my standards.

- I'll do it. - We got you.

- I need a drink. - She needs a dink.

I said drink.

Although...

- She'll figure something out. - Always does.

Go easy on her in the meantime.

Sorry.

I'd scissor a fuckin' wheelbarrow right now.

Really? You think NHL Twitter accounts

are the biggest problem with today's game?

You asked for an example so I gave you one.

Well, in fairness, Twitter may be the biggest

problem with the world today. - And I didn't say it was

the biggest problem, I just said it was annoying.

Okay, what's the biggest problem?

And don't say the crackdown on fighting.

The crackdown on fighting? That's old news.

It's the crackdown on hitting. - On hitting?

Yeah. Next you won't be able to take slapshots.

You heard it here first.

And a big, big problem is diving.

How are they cracking down on hitting?

Well, look at junior hockey in Canada today.

Actually, look at the World Junior tournament.

Every hit is a penalty now.

It's their new strategy to get hitting out of the game.

- Who's they? - If you hit,

you take a penalty. If you take a penalty,

you hurt your team. You don't wanna hurt your team,

so ya don't hit.

Got us playin' the European game now.

- Ooh, careful. - No, no, no, no, no.

There's lots of tough Euros. - Kronwall.

There's lots of Euros that hit.

- Chara. - It's just, the European game

was always about speed and finesse.

The North American game was about size and grit.

- Traditionally, sure. - Like a massive part

of the success of Canada and U.S. hockey

on the international stage has been the hitting,

the physicality.

The guarantee that if you play us, we will hurt you.

- Okay, take it easy. - But with the new rule changes

and the crackdown on hitting, they got us playin'

the European game now. - And how do we stack up

against the Europeans at the European game?

Well, surprise, surprise,

they're better at it than we are.

But, what do you expect? They took away our tools.

- I see. - Keith Primeau, Keith Tkachuk,

Billy Guerin, Brendan Shanahan, Derian Hatcher.

- Scott Stevens. - Yes, Captain Crunch.

These guys are world-class hockey players

and these guys will fuck you up.

- Eric Lindros. - The new rules cut the nuts

off players like that now.

That's the biggest problem with hockey today.

The North American game is dying.

Hey, anyone doing a dump run this weekend?

Why? - Throw Mike's shirt in there.

Fuck you, Shoresy!

Shoresy...

Shoresy, I'm glad I caught ya before you left.

Better say something.

Hhh-hey.

I'm so sorry. I had some family stuff come up.

We had our seventh grandchild.

I really had planned on coming up there.

I hope that's all right.

Sir, you could...

close an elevator door repeatedly on my nuts

and it'd be all right.

Honestly, I was really lookin' forward

to working with you. - Me?

You're not gonna believe this,

but my sons and I, we watched the "Burberry" Bulldogs

in the National Senior Tournament.

You watched the Bulldogs?

It was really good, competitive hockey.

I really enjoyed the game.

You guys are gonna give me something to watch

again this year, right?

- You bet. - Hey, I heard what you said.

About the needle in the arm? Because I... I was just...

About the death of the North American game.

Sure, the style of play might be going,

but that style of player ain't going anywhere.

You know, some guys, you put a hockey stick in their hand

and they become a completely different person.

They can't help it. They're just born that way.

The Canadian game is not dead.

Heh, oh and Janet wanted me to tell ya,

if you want a future in television,

you should think about a trip to Turkey.

I will.

See you later and good luck.

Shall I get you booked on Turkish Air?

See if they can do something about your face, too.

Mike, shut the fuck up!

♪ Don't leave me this way ♪

♪ I can't survive ♪

♪ I can't stay alive ♪

♪ Without your love ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Don't leave me this way, no ♪

♪ I can't exist ♪

♪ I'll surely miss your tender kiss ♪

♪ Don't leave me this way ♪

♪ Ah, baby ♪

♪ My heart is full of love and desire for you ♪

♪ Now come on down and do what you got to do ♪

♪ You started this fire down in my soul ♪

♪ Now can't you see it's burning out of control ♪

♪ Come on satisfy the need in me ♪

♪ 'Cause only your good loving can set me free ♪

♪ Set me free, set me free ♪

Guys, this is my friend Loic.

What's up, buddy? What's goin' on?

He plays for the Sudbury 5.

- Who? - The basketball team.

Just wanted to say, I'm sorry to hear about you guys folding.

- We didn't fold. - You look devastated.

- Pardon? - Nothing.

And thanks for giving us your room.

We'll take good care of it. - We didn't give it to yas.

I'm sorry, it's loud in here. Can you say that again?

I said we didn't give it to ya, b'y.

- Did he just say, "buy?" - He's makin' fun of ya, Hitch.

No, he isn't.

Yeah, 'cause ya talk like an idiot.

- How does I talks, b'y? - We usually just make fun of ya

behind your back. How about big nuts here

bringing it right to your door. - Again, thank you and sorry.

Yeah, Canadian contest. You win.

Where can I learn to talk as good as what you does?

- Settle down. - Doesn't matter how ya talk,

you're still gonna look like an idiot.

- Who's team ya on, old man? - No team.

We don't have a team.

That's why big nuts and his boys here get our room.

- Have a good night, man. - Hey, how big are your feet?

What? How big are they?

- Shut up, Shoresy. - They'll never fill our shoes.

- Knows. - Let's go.

You wouldn't take our room if we weren't playing?

It's our rink. We takes what we wants!

If it was your room, I'd walk up and ask.

Wouldn't just show up to the bar saying thanks, sorry.

- No respect. - That's earned!

What have you won?

And hey, I left some championship pedigree for ya

in the toilet far right.

Yeah, whatever, bro.

Outstanding North American run by this team

of European all-stars known as simply... the EU.

They're undefeated through seven contests

against NHL farm teams no less,

with one game remaining against Edmonton.

I mean, I'm just gonna come right out and say it...

...these guys are beating the crap out of every--

Good, I've got the right house.

What's your name again?

- Shawn. - Come in.

♪ Don't tell me I'm wrong ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been watching every move that you make ♪

♪ Hearts you steal ♪

♪ When you're made-up in heels ♪

♪ Trouble for the man that you take ♪

♪ Every time you walk in the room ♪

What are you doing over here by yourself?

- Huh? - Like, you're over here

by yourself like...

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

You're over here away from everybody else like...

Oh, shut the fuck up,

you idiot. - What's your problem?

- What? - Huh?

- You. - Oh, I know that look.

- What look? - You're lookin' to scissor.

You do know that look.

Yep, you're lookin' to scissor.

I'd scissor a barstool right now.

♪ Oh, it's crazy ♪

What are you gonna do?

I just told you I'd scissor a fuckin' hall tree right now.

No...

Like without hockey.

I don't know.

No, eh?

Well, if this is it, we'd better dance.

- No. - Yep, better dance.

You're gonna ruin my odds with one of these broads.

No, your face is gonna do that.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Come on, we're dancin'.

Let's go. - No, we're not dancing.

Come on, we're gonna dance. Get up.

My crotch goes nowhere near your crotch.

Well then fuckin' jump on my back.

- No! I gotta-- - Come on, put your fuckin'

beer down, get on my back.

♪ Oh, it's cra-- ♪

...analysis on the EU all-star team's reign of terror

against pro North American squads,

we'll bring in TSN's director of scouting,

Craig Button. But first, we'll take you to this juicy

post-game statement

from EU coach Teppo Maki.

We are all aware of the narrative here

surrounding European hockey players.

Too soft, no grit, too pretty.

Maybe at one point, sure.

But North American players are not at the level

they once were. Our record here proves

that the players here are overvalued.

Those are strong words, Teppo.

That's what you're going with, overvalued?

Overrated.

We're now joined by Craig Button.

Craig, what do we even say about this?

Thank God it's almost over.

Thank God it's almost over!

Turn it down.

Jay, there's a brand of hockey

we used to play over here that's gone by the wayside

for one reason or another. The Dion Phaneufs

and the Jordin Tootoos used to give you two options:

Run your head through the end boards,

or take it off in the middle of the open ice.

Yes, very true.

For whatever reason, that brand of hockey

has fallen by the wayside. - Whaddya at b'ys?

Well, guess what? This team of European all-stars

picked it up again. And frankly,

they're playing it better than we ever played it over here.

I really can't believe what I'm watching.

I mean, the average height of this team is 6'5.

You're 6'5!

Yes, 6'5!

That is the average height of this team.

They're unstoppable.

Unbeaten through seven games

with one to go.

This was nothing short

of embarrassing. There's been no answer

to the EU's physicality.

No response to this bullying.

This was just a real drubbing if I've ever seen it.

That's a great word: "drubbing."

It's appropriate.

Okay, let's play a quick game.

Words I'd use to describe

the EU's North American swing

against Canada and the US's finest players

not in the NHL: A thumping!

Thrashing! A walloping!

Merciless beating! Shellacking!

Jay, I can't go on any further

without drifting into all kinds of profanity.

I'll remind you this is a family-friendly program,

Craig Button!

This is a family-friendly

program, people!!

All joking aside,

this EU team is too big.

They're too fast. They're unbeatable.

Unbeatable, eh? - Verified.

Validated. Confirmed.

difuze