Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Latin Quarter Rhythms,

starring the incredible Kane Sisters.

[dramatic, triumphant music]

[applause]

Ah, success, that most coveted of all the earthly prizes.

Tonight, it belongs to the Kane Sisters.

Tonight, these twin meteors streak upon the Broadway horizon,

making the Great White Way a full magnitude brighter

by their radiance.

Indeed, one wonders how we ever found our way

along Schubert Alley without stumbling

in the semi-darkness.

Why these two?

What magical combination of ingredients,

what divine blending of resources, have made

their meteoric ascendance inevitable?

Perhaps a peek into the past will offer some answers?

When Horace Greeley said,

"Go west, young man," he meant that the West

was where opportunity and the future lay.

Although he might not have had Coyote Fang,

Wyoming, specifically in mind,

it nonetheless illustrates the validity of his vision.

Hey, Flo, can I walk you home tonight?

I already got a date, Harry, and you can stick it in your dog.

Here, we find the pioneer personality in its pristine state.

The determination, the stamina, the nobility of character,

which fashions a civilization out of a wilderness.

What'|| it be, gents?

Oh, the master will have a beer.

Anything imported.

Bottle of Buffalo piss, please.

It is here we find our heroines,

like so many of history's great theatrical names,

developing and polishing their talents in the provinces.

Talent, yes, that is the first essential ingredient of success.

Talent.

[upbeat piano music]

[applause]

What was that noise?

-That was applause, honey. -Really?

It sounded like a horse running through a barn.

It was rather nice, though, wasn't it?

It sure was. You shou|d've seen the horse.

-Was he cute? -Do||ar signs, baby.

Oh.

Just the kind of guy I could lay a spread for.

Sugar, we got to get out of this dump.

Arnie said if we could hang on for six more weeks,

he'd get us a weekend in Moorhead, Minnesota, remember?

At the bowling alley.

We're not hanging on for six more weeks.

When Arnie calls tonight, I'm going to straighten him out.

Either he gets us a booking in New York,

or we sign with old man Stucky.

-Ag reed -Ag reed 7

Who wants to play Moorhead, anyway?

You can tell Arnie for me

that a bird in your hand isn't worth two in your bush.

Come on, Big Boy, one more swallow.

Flaughs] I'll be so glad to get out of this dump.

Hi, Luke.

-Hi, darling -Hi.

Oh, Shit.

That's what it is, honey.

Can I use your cloth, Luke?

Hey, Sugar, that's my shirt.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll see if I can find a rag.

I wonder what the Greyhound costs in New York.

I suppose we could sell a few things.

Flo would love that bow of yours.

I found a rag.

Maybe we should just get rid

of all these costumes and get new ones.

We should definitely get new costumes.

-Oh. -This rag has seen better days.

This rag's doing just fine.

[bluesy rock music]

How's Big Boy today? Did he take his tonic?

I finally got him to swallow it.

-Did he spit it up? -Not yet.

You can say that again.

[bluesy rock music cont.]

-What's in that stuff, anyway? -Pig's milk and berries.

-And he swallows it?

-Trick is to get it in as far as you can.

[bluesy rock music]

Can't you take that hat off when we're making love?

Now, Sugar, honey.

You know how I feel about my hair, or lack of it.

Well, I don't see why.

You know what they say, there may not be grass on the roof,

but there's definitely fire in the stove pipe.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Chin, I have a collect call from Chicago for Ms. Candy Cane.

Ms. Candy, you got long distance telephone.

I'm coming.

It must be from Mr. Arnie.

It's a collect call.

That bastard.

I need some change. Have you got anything, Luke?

Feels like 10 inches.

-Help yourself. -I am.

Imagine the nerve calling collect.

That hardnose son of a bitch.

Who's a hardnose son of a bitch?

You are.

[bluesy rock music]

Hello?

Yes, operator, I'll accept the charges.

Hello?

Hello, Arnie.

What's the big idea calling collect?

You know how it is, kid. I'm a little tight.

You're a little tight?

Tight, isn't it?

[bluesy rock music cont.]

Listen, you little weasel,

either you get us out of here, or we're going to sign with Stucky.

Stucky?

-Stucky. -Fuck me.

Well, as a matter of fact,

the reason I'm calling is I've got this great job lined up for you.

Where? Moorhead?

Moorhead?

More head.

Look, this is the big time, sweetie, and I'm not talking about Chicago.

This is the Big Apple, New York City.

Go on.

It's called...Crackers.

It's the big break we've been waiting for, baby.

Now, hear me out. It's a sort of a showcase, you know,

and there's a small fee involved, but it's worth every penny.

I mean, everybody who's anybody's going to be there.

You are bound to be seen by some very important people.

What kind of fee?

A hundred bucks.

A hundred bucks?

Listen, Arnie, are you trying to --

Screw me. Screw me! Yes!

Go to New York and give it a try.

Well, who do we send the fee to?

You'd better let me handle it.

-Mai| it in -- -Out.

In and out. All right.

-A|| right, but this better be on the up and up.

-And up! And up!

Charging! Charging!

What's the charges?

[moaning]

New York.

-What a -- -Fuck.

Hey, Candy, I just came in to get you.

We got a big spender out front tonight,

and he wants you and Sugar to come out and join him.

Listen, Oscar,

I just got off the phone with -- how big a spender?

He's tipping Flo with $20 bills.

That guy in the front row?

Yeah. He's got quite a wad.

I saw it.

We'll be right in.

A hundred dollars, Candy,

and that doesn't even cover the bus ticket.

Honey, we're about to float a loan.

Huh?

Hi, fellas.

Hello.

Ladies, may I introduce Mr. Stephen Carlisle Ill?

Really?

I never knew a third before, but I did meet a junior once.

I'm Candy, this is Sugar.

We're the Kane sisters. Who are you?

Oh, I'm Eric, ma'am.

Pleasure, Mr. Ma'am.

No, no, no, no. |t'sjust Eric, ma'am.

Oh.

Won't you sit down?

Would you like a drink?

Whatever you're having.

I thought your singing this evening was lovely.

Thank you.

-It was our farewell performance. -Really?

Yes, we're moving to a club in New York.

Perhaps you've heard of it. It's called Crackers.

No. No, I don't believe so.

Oh, well, it's new.

Hasn't been open very long.

But very in, if you know what I mean.

I must make it a point to come see you.

When are you leaving?

Well, we have a few loose ends to tie up here.

We've got to get our bus tickets. Maybe Tuesday.

Bus tickets?

Eric.

Sorry, sir.

We decided to bus it,

because we need some money for new costumes.

You know how it is.

Thanks, cutie.

Hey, Flo, you forgot the change.

Oh, never mind.

Heavens, you must be loaded.

Could you loan us $100?

-Sugar. -Oh, please. She's charming.

How would $200 be?

Oh, no, we couldn't.

Why not?

There's a simple question. Why not?

You can pay me back, y'know. I'll be in New York.

In fact, why don't you come with us?

Eric and I are flying back as soon as the car is fixed.

You're having me on.

One can't fly in a car.

When the car is fixed, we are driving it to the airport.

Oh.

My jet's in Canyon City.

Your jet?

Yes. Are you terribly impressed?

-Yes. -Good.

-Then you'll come. -Oh, boy, will we come.

What on earth are you doing with a jet plane in Wyoming?

The master has been here on business.

I was retrieving the Buckingham Brooch.

The Buckingham Brooch?

I read about it in the newspaper.

Some dizzy dame dropped it down a mineshaft in 1882

and they found it again last week.

Correct. That dizzy dame

was my great-great aunt on my mother's side.

And she didn't drop it.

She threw it down the shaft.

It seems she was upset with my great-great uncle

at the time.

He must've been furious.

So you're over here to pick it up?

I already have it.

-Would you like to see it? -Love to.

Ladies.

The Buckingham Brooch.

Good grief.

It's gorgeous.

It's exactly the same as mine.

I was going to loan it to Flo tonight,

because she's got a date.

This is guaranteed to get you laid.

I got it from a gypsy at a carnival.

It's an accurate copy, but not nearly as valuable.

You're telling me. She only paid a buck and a half?

[bottles breaking]

[ragtime piano playing]

I did not say your wife had a wart on her twat.

I said it felt like one!

[ragtime piano playing]

Oh, what a mess.

I'm sorry about the roughhousing.

You know how it is.

They've gone and got dirt all over your lovely brooch.

That one's yours.

Oh, thank heavens they didn't break it.

-Your car's ready. -Oh, good. Thank you.

-We||, are you coming? -You bet.

-Where are you going? -To New York.

You can't.

I've got a contract.

Oscar, you haven't paid us for two weeks.

Consider that your two weeks' notice.

It's sure going to be hard without you, Sugar.

Oh, Luke, darling.

If I thought it was going to be hard all the time,

I wouldn't go at all.

-You promise to write? -Every day.

And you promise to keep up your scientific study

on Big Boy and I know he'll be back

in the saddle in no time at all.

Oh, Sugar, baby.

"Sugafl

I've got to be going.

The others are waiting for me.

Wish me luck, honey.

When I make it big, I'll send for you.

You already made it big, baby.

How long will you be in New York?

Just overnight.

I'll fly back for your opening.

Wouldn't you just stay here in the States for a while?

No, I'm afraid not.

Aunt Sybil is quite anxious to get the brooch back home.

She's planning to auction it off

at a big charity do for the orphans of Penzance.

Oh, I see.

I really think you'd like Aunt Sybil.

She's really very sweet... when it comes to the orphans.

Did you ever screw on a plane?

I did it in a boat once and I had to do all the rowing.

Would you like to see the rest of the plane?

My private quarters are in the back.

I do wish I'd brought the big one.

The big one?

It was a big one.

You know what they say, all good things come in big packages.

Well, enough about me.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, I did it in a rickshaw once.

That was when the master was in the Orient.

Sideways?

-The rickshaw? -I really should have it redecorated.

Oh, no, it's quite nice.

Very comfortable.

Would you like to lie down?

Would you?

[voice echoing]

[su|try, romantic music]

She was taking a class in Oriental cooking.

Oh, I love to eat.

Tell me your favorite recipe.

Oh, steak and lychee nuts.

Fu Manchu.

How do you make it?

You take your meat and you pound it.

Am I getting better?

Oh, much.

Oh, good.

You brown it lightly.

Dip the nuts into oil.

Salt to taste.

Beat it.

Beat it while it's hot.

Put the cream in.

See if it's wet enough.

Put it in the oven for an hour.

Pull it out and put butter on top.

[su|try, romantic music]

It serves six.

[whimsical music]

Oh, is our billing up yet?

The club isn't even up yet.

Eric, are you sure this is the right address?

Positive, sir. Positive.

This is the right address, all right.

That bastard Arnie was trying to rob us.

Well, thank heavens we didn't really send him

the hundred dollars.

What are we going to do now?

Well, here we are.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

What a beautiful view.

You can stay here until you find a place and get a job.

There's plenty of food, and I'll give you

a couple of signed checks in case you need them.

You can't do that. Why, you don't even know us.

Well, I know you well enough,

and I'd like to get to know you better.

What do you want to know?

Nothing, at the moment.

Oh, I've got to call Aunt Sybil and let her know

that everything's under control.

You'll find a guest room upstairs.

Eric will bring your luggage.

Hello. Let me speak to Aunt Sybil, please.

[bells tolling]

[phone ringing]

Lady Buckingham's residence.

Oh, very good, sir. It's for you, Madame.

Hello.

Stephen, darling, where are you?

Did you get the brooch?

Good. Coyote Fang?

How vivid.

When are you coming?

That should put you in about midnight.

I'll have Edward leave cookies and milk.

Stephen, the room is gorgeous.

The bed doesn't even squeak.

Stephen, dear, who's there?

I hear voices.

Feminine voices.

Did you really?

Who are they?

Never heard of them.

Oh, they sing, do they?

Oh, tell me, dear, what else do they do?

Dig for gold?

Of course I'm onlyjoking.

I know the gold diggers went out with Christine Keeler.

Oh, listen, darling, I've really got to run.

Annie and Charlie actually gave up a horse show to come to tea.

Do take care, and I'll see you at

breakfast. Ta-ta.

Edward.

Edward, get me my lawyer in New York.

Kane Sisters. Ha.

Phony names if I've ever heard them.

No, they're not going to get their claws into my nephew.

I'm the last person who's going to fuck her way

into this family.

Lyle, darling, I need your help.

Can you get me the name of that detective in New York?

Oh, what was his name?

You know, the one that put Miss Subways out of business.

Oh, you must mean Max.

That's it, that's it, Max.

Can you get me Max?

I want him to check out two women staying in my nephew's apartment

in New York.

They may be after his money.

Sybil, it's all going to be his some day, anyway.

Well, it's mine now, and Stephen

simply cannot keep his head when it comes to women.

You remember that unfortunate business

in Bangkok?

Well, my dear, she was nothing but your common,

garden variety cocksucker.

God knows what these two are.

Oh, and by the by,

I got your last tax thing about my holdings.

Isn't that a bit exorbitant

for a few warehouses and a Burger King?

Now, Sybil, those warehouses are very profitable.

You've probably forgotten the East River properties.

Now, don't concern yourself.

I'll send you the new photographs immediately,

all right? -Yes.

Oh, and tell Max to get right on that case,

but darling, do tell him to be careful.

These two are in show business.

Candy, what's a film loop?

You've got me.

They're looking for 46 girls and a monkey.

What do you think?

You're not going to get much billing with 46 girls.

I suppose not.

The monkey's probably the star.

What did Stephen say in his letter?

That he missed me.

Does Stephen have a big joint?

Big enough.

I get hotjust thinking about it.

You should do what I do.

Suck a cock every day

and the hornies stay away. That's what Luke taught me.

Mmm...cock.

[voice echoing]

You'd better come out of there. You're going to get all prune-y.

I'm through.

Did the cleaning man come?

Yes. All over.

Did you find anything yet?

Now, here's a movie.

Miracle Pictures,

Ben Dover Producer.

True devotees of the live theater

find cinema a slightly suspect medium for serious art.

On occasion, however, a producer of genius

will create cinematic gems to please even the harshest of critics.

Such a genius is Ben Dover of Miracle Productions.

To him, we are eternally grateful for preserving on film

the early efforts of our heroines in a series of mini epics.

Who could forget Teenage Cookies?

That triumph of the art houses, Type, You Typers.

Yes, that was a real sleeper.

The costumes were particularly lovely.

Yes, we got to keep them too.

Then, there was that little avant-garde piece,

Wild Gooseberries.

Not since Bergman has there been

such sensitive handling of a delicate theme.

My personal favourite was Wet Cheerleaders,

a big campus spectacle with a cast of thousands.

Ah, yes, they don't write them like that anymore.

Success.

They owed it all to Ben.

Ben, you asshole.

I've been screwed up one side of that loft

and down the other. I've had it. No more.

Candy, relax.

I got a fantastic big movie for you and Sugar.

What?

A real film?

Jesus Christ.

May my mother drop dead if I'm lying to you.

Ugh.

They call these things turd curls. Isn't that silly?

Who'd want to have turds in their hair?

Well, a familiar face.

How are you?

I heard you're playing Brett.

I hear you're playing Harlot.

Congratulations.

It should be fun working on this one.

What do you think of the new director?

Well, I hear he's pretty good.

Shit. He's done so many b-movies.

He gets fan mail from the Hornets.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?

As you know, we are shooting this film

in the Italian fashion. -What's that?

Well, we're not going to be using actual sound,

in order that I may speak to you during the scenes.

You must, however,

speak as you would normally and we'll dub the lines in later.

Now, you, Petunia, you have just one line,

but it is terribly important. Have you learned it yet?

I'm working on it.

When Cissy says, "The Yankees are coming," you say?

I got it right here.

"Ms. Melody,

what are we going to do?"

That's right. Keep working on it, though.

Now, remember, pay no attention to me when I'm talking to you.

Just do what I say.

This is a very simple little scene.

I'd like to get it done quickly, because we are shooting

the Bombing ofAtlanta this afternoon.

Now, everyone to their places.

Listen, how about lunch next week?

Sure.

All right.

Quiet on the set.

Roll the titles.

Action.

The Yankees are coming.

Cut.

Not yet, you moron. Get off the set.

I'll tell you when to come on.

Action.

Everyone titter.

Now, spread out your picnic clothes.

"Ms. Melody, what are we going to do?"

Where are my peacocks?

Where are the peacocks?

Two peacocks coming up.

Let the ladies open the baskets, you big Cissy.

The Yankees are coming.

The Yankees are coming.

Not yet.

You called Cissy, you asshole.

"Ms. Melody,

what are we going to do?"

Ready for Ms. Harlot.

War, war, war. That's all you men care about.

And me, so dry I could pick cotton.

Good.

Now, put down the basket.

Ready on the gunshot?

Fire. [gunshot booms] [screaming]

Wait here, Ms. Harlot.

Men, we better see you fire that shot.

Well, I'll just go and see if my Uncle and Auntie Belum

have arrived.

Ms. Melody. Ms. Melody.

Oh, this line stinks.

Okay. We're ready for the Yankees.

Now.

[dramatic music] [screaming]

Put up a fight, girls.

Scream.

[screaming]

Struggle.

"Ms. Melody, what are we going to do?"

Ms. Melody --

[triumphant marching music]

Do993'-

Ass.

Fuck.

[chickens clucking]

Missionary.

Lunch.

[whimsical ragtime music]

[moaning]

Cissy and Petunia, stand by.

[moaning]

Get out of here, you idiot.

Come on, boys.

I know you can do it.

[moaning]

Boys, I'm ready.

[moaning]

I want a cum shot,

or none of you faggots get paid.

[whimsical calliope music]

-Cissy. -The Yankees are coming! The Yankees are coming!

How was that, you shithead?

Petunia, that's your cue!

Petunia?!

"Ms. Melody, what are we going to do?" Oh.

[explosion booming] [screaming]

"Ms. Melody, what are we going to do?"

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

-You're fired. -Oh.

"Dear Luke,

Candy and ljust finished doing one of those disaster pictures.

It was."

And so, thanks to the perseverance

of my darling, devoted nephew, Stephen Carlisle Ill,

the Buckingham Brooch had been returned to its rightful home, at last.

And now, it gives me great pleasure to announce

that the Buckingham Brooch will be placed on public auction Saturday, with proceeds

to go to the darling little orphans of Penzance.

We do all care

for the dear little orphans of Penzance, don't we?

Now, if you would step out into the garden,

tea will be served and I will pose for pictures.

Beg pardon, sir. A letter just arrived.

It's from the girls.

Oh.

Oh, they'd like to stay on for a few weeks more.

Oh, really, Stephen, allowing those two girls

to stay on alone in your apartment in New York?

Oh, Aunt Sybil.

Your mother would turn over in her grave.

[doorbell ringing] I'll get it.

Oh, there's nobody there.

Must have been a wrong number.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it this time.

Hi, come on in.

Well, I'm off for another day's job hunting.

Wish me luck.

Candy, they moved the elevator.

They put it right down the hall.

-Oh, thank you. Bye-bye. -So long.

Come on. [chuckles]

You got any new film work?

Not since that last disaster.

I trust you survived the epic?

Yeah. No scars, anyway.

Oh.

Let me be the judge of that.

[su|try, romantic music]

Perseverance.

That crucial quality.

Ambition amounts to nothing without it.

For contrary to popular belief,

opportunity is under no obligation whatsoever to knock on anyone's door.

It's been known to avoid some neighborhoods completely.

[whimsical music]

The Buckingham Brooch, what a stunning example of success.

What a noble gesture

on the part of Lady Buckingham to put it up for auction.

The proceeds being donated to her favorite charity.

Note, in passing, the striking similarity

between the brooch and the rise of the Kane sisters.

This lovely piece, in its original state,

was merely crude platinum and diamonds in the rough.

Something one would hardly cross the mall to see,

but by a tasteful process of selection, refinement,

and craftsmanship, these base elements

are transformed and fashioned into a unique assemblage

of beauty, grace, and dignity.

Stephen, darling, do be a sweetheart

and fetch me a bromide.

All these people have given me a frightful headache.

Haughs] What I go through

for these dreadful Penzance brats.

[phone ringing]

-Action. -A|ways charming as ever.

I'll get it, Ed, but keep the line moving.

Keep the line moving.

Hello, Lady Buckingham here.

Max, what's the news?

You haven't anything to report?

What am I paying you for then?

Perhaps I don't need a private detective.

Well, actually, I do have some news.

That's better.

I knew you'd come up with something.

They did what? They propositioned you?

They're nothing but common hookers.

Of course I said no.

That's very interesting, Max.

Goodbye, Max. Your check is on the way.

Thank you, Stephen.

Now, darling, I need you here tomorrow

for the auction, but come Sunday,

I want you to fly straight to New York and evict those trollops

from your apartment.

-But Aunt Sybil, they're not -- -No buts. No buts.

Your career is at stake.

I will not have you scandalized.

Understand?

You are my heir.

Keep the line moving. Keep it moving.

Sugar, what are you doing?

Just sight-seeing.

There's a casting for the young and infested.

Candy, you should come out and see the bulge on this guy.

Not now, honey, I'm reading.

Besides, they're gay.

$o?

Cut them, do they not bleed?

Prick them, do they not feel pain?

Suck it, does it not get hard?

They've got feelings too, you know.

Oh, darn it.

[buzzer buzzing]

-Yes? -Hi, I'm Sugar.

-I live upstairs. -Hello, I'm Bill.

Oh, I'm really embarrassed.

You see, I was out on my terrace, just admiring the view,

when I dropped my pin onto your terrace.

-No problem. Come on in. -Oh, thank you.

Sugar, this is Bob, my roommate.

Oh, don't bother to get up.

I only came for my pin.

Help yourself.

Thanks.

I hear you're gay.

Yes.

Pit)'-

-We||, each in his own. -Sure.

Look, I'm going to go see if I can find your pin.

Oh, thanks a lot. It's my lucky pin.

I'd be lost without it. I think it's in the bushes.

Well, here it is, my dear.

Oh, thank you.

It's very nice.

Well, if there's ever anything I can do for you.

Actually, you can.

Tomorrow night's the annual drag ball and gala at the Pits.

-Pits? -It's a club in the village.

Anyway, I'm to be queen

of the fairies and I've got this terrific gown rigged up.

A gown.

Are you one of those Transylvanians?

The word's "transvestite" and no, I'm not.

It's just that once a year, the guys get dressed up

and do a show, money goes to a worthwhile cause.

-You know, a charity. -Oh, that's nice.

The point is, it would make a wonderful topper

for my wand, and I'll take good care of it.

Please. I'd be glad to loan it to you.

Great.

Hey, listen, I've got a dress rehearsal this afternoon.

Let me get my stuff together and I'll show you my gown.

Oh, I'd love to see it.

Here we go. Isn't it a hoot?

Oh, it's fabulous.

You must loan it to me sometime.

-Sure. -Off you pop.

-Don't bother to see me home. -I hadn't planned to.

Why don't you help yourself to some tea?

Bob? Bob?

If he wakes up,

will you tell him I'll be home for dinner?

Glad to.

[eerie music]

Did whatshername leave?

Uh-huh.

Hey, don't do that unless you mean business.

Come on, Bill. You're going to get me all excited.

Now you've done it. I'm as hard as a rock.

Do you want it?

Uh-huh.

Okay, Billy Boy.

Billy Boy will be home for dinner.

Whatshername is hungry right now.

Just try and think of me as a man.

Well, I'll try.

[moody soft rock music]

[moaning]

Now, Stephen,

we'll have breakfast in the breakfast room.

We're having kippers. Lord Beaverbrook loves his kippers.

Lord Beaverbrook? Why is he coming?

Didn't I tell you?

Oh, my goodness. Well, I'm not surprised.

I'm in a such a state with this auction this afternoon

and everything.

Lord Beaverbrook

is bringing his appraiser to see the brooch.

I think he's our best bet for purchase.

[chuckling] They are due here any moment now.

My goodness, but they're punctual.

Now, Stephen, try not to look anxious.

Lord Beaverbrook and Mr. Worthington Jones.

Cyril, how nice to see you.

I do hope you'll stay for breakfast.

Kippers and crumpets.

Delighted.

Oh, yes, I do believe you know Mr. Worthington Jones.

Oh, yes, of course.

How do you do?

I expect you're quite anxious to get out the brooch.

Stephen, would you be so kind?

Oh, you know,

I've had second thoughts almost about giving it up.

The house would seem so empty without it.

Oh, I say, it is magnificent.

What do you think, Ian?

Made by a gypsy in Newark, New Jersey.

What?

Made by a gypsy in Newark, New Jersey.

It's not even worth a pound.

My God.

Would you say that it was worth half a pound,

or a dollar and a half in American money?

RoughW-

Aunt Sybil, there's been a dreadful mistake.

You see, you have Sugar's pin and she has the Buckingham Brooch.

Sugar?

Isn't that charming girl staying at your flat in New York?

Yes, quite.

I'm sure we can straighten this all out.

Of course, dear.

Oh, Cyril, please do accept my apologies.

Oh, do go on into breakfast.

We'll join you shortly.

I'm quite sure that we can straighten this all out in due time.

Egbert, pack a trunk and get the Concorde.

Call Max in New York.

I want those two girls arrested.

Aunt Sybil, it's all a mistake.

Mistake, mistake.

Like it or not, that cunt has the Buckingham Brooch.

[phone ringing]

-He||o? -Candy?

-Yes? -This is Stephen.

I can only talk a second. There's been a mix-up.

Sugar has the Buckingham Brooch.

-What? -Aunt Sybil and I are flying over.

For God's sake, don't let that brooch out of your sight.

It's safe. Sugar has it.

Good. Don't let anyone in.

Aunt Sybil has sent a detective over to arrest you.

He's probably watching the apartment already.

Arrest us?

Look, we'll straighten it all out when I get there, all right?

All right, bye.

Oh, hi. I'm shattered.

I walked all over getting these for my bunches.

Did you know Manhattan's an island?

Sugar, do you have your pin'?

No, I lent it to Bill downstairs.

He's going to a drag ball tonight at the Pits. That's a club.

Oh, swell.

Your pin is Lady Buckingham's brooch. Stephen just called.

Oh, Candy, don't get flustered.

We'll just go down to the Pits and get it back again.

We can't. Stephen said

not to leave the apartment. There's a detective on our tail.

Ooh.

Just like in the movies, you mean?

We'll just have to get somebody else to go and get it back for us.

I know. Max.

We can trust Max.

Dammit.

What do you think this is, the Queen Mary?

Can't you make this thing go faster, you twit?

[doorbell ringing]

-Who is it? -|t's me, Max.

Max, come on in.

You've got to help us. We want you to go to the Pits.

I've got a warrant here for your arrest.

You? You bastard.

Anything you say may be held against you.

You girls coming along willingly?

Sure.

Let me out of here, you bitches.

Sticks and stones

may break my bones -- -Come on.

We've got to get to the Club Pits.

Come on, come on.

Remember the orphans.

-The orphans? -Your ass, faster.

Just get us there.

Say Joe sent us. That always works.

-Joe sent us. -B|ow.

Joe Blow, that rings a bell.

They won't let us in because we're girls.

That's indiscrimination, Candy.

Unless.

Now, let me do the talking.

Yeah?

We're the new drags for the show.

I don't know anything about a new act.

Look, Mary, you want your balls cut off?

Oh. Oh, well, come on in.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Neighborhood?

Neighborhood?

I don't live in the neighborhood.

Fuck the neighborhood.

Land at LaGuardia.

[applause] Thank you, thank you.

Now, if I can ever get off this dreadful stage,

we can get on with our show.

Here, honey, somebody hold this microphone.

You see Bill?

I can't see anything.

You take that side and I'll take this one.

-Okay, hang on. -Testing.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat for you.

The Club Pits for having its annual charity

drag show this very evening.

I want you to remember that every watered down beer

you buy goes to our favorite cause, the restoration of my face.

Ha.

Our first beauty tonight comes to us

from a record-breaking engagement at the Women's House of Detention,

the fabulous, sophisticated, one and only Miss Kiki.

_ [applause] Smile, dar||ng, |t's your only hope.

Keep your hands off her, you lust pig.

I saw that.

Oh, oh and now, the incredible Dolly.

A vision in pink satin, with feathers by Chicken Cluckers Limited.

After the show, she's going to do her famous Dance of the Virgins,

strictly from memory.

[laughing] [gagging] You'll have to excuse me tonight,

darlings, I have a little frog in my throat.

But since it's the best piece of meat

I've had all week, I think I'll keep it.

[laughing] Now, the mad woman

of Christopher Street.

Look out, boys, it's thunder thighs herself.

Dazzling in deadly black velvet, with matching fan.

Darling, you may not be the ugliest drag queen here tonight,

but when she dies -- [laughing]

If you don't feel like applauding,

you can always bang your handcuffs against the table or something.

-By the Way __ -Any luck?

No, but now I know why they call them fairies.

Talk about magic wands.

-Wowee. -E|evator girls in bondage.

I know you won't want to miss that one.

She's wearing a gold satin schmatta with embroidered cuffs.

How about those teardrop earrings?

Couldn't you just die?

Just perfect for the temple or cathedral.

Personally, I never go to church myself.

All that kneeling bags my nylons.

Hey, Louis at the door tells me you two are the new drag act.

That's right.

I didn't hire any new drag acts.

Listen, Mary, you want your balls cut off?

You want your tit shot off?

We'd better be going.

Mary, just a minute. Let's see what you can do.

-But we don't do anything. -Dance.

[tapping] No. Up there.

Don't anybody move. We've got you surrounded.

I knew they'd wreck the place.

Now you've got rats.

Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Max, what on earth?

Oh, they locked me in the closet.

Candy and Sugar?

Oh, no, there must have been 10 of them.

Though Sugar and Candy are the ringleaders.

Oh my God.

Spies.

[funky dance music]

Hey, that brunette ain't a bad drag at all.

Great tits.

Take it off. Oh, come on.

Maybe I ought to keep these two on.

On what?

[sirens blaring]

Come on,

Blackfoot, move your ass, or you'll be pounding [indistinct].

I heard that one on the telly. [chuckles]

Great tits, but let me see your ass.

What are you doing?

-Take it off. -Take it off.

I hope her cock is as big as her tits.

-Take it off. -Take it off.

Sugan

[sirens blaring]

Hey, show it hard.

Pass it to papa.

-Take it off. -Take it off.

-Take it off, Sugar. -No.

[sirens blaring]

Hey, Manny?

No, no. It's me, Bill.

My brooch.

My God.

My word.

Seize them.

[whistle blowing]

All right, you're under arrest.

-You're also an ugly drag. -Oh.

Stop it, Kojak.

I have never been so humiliated in all my life.

Fingerprinted.

I've missed you too, sweetheart.

This is all your fault. I wanted to go to the opera.

Yes, but Lewis said Joe sent them, and Joe didn't send them.

Capisce?

No, you got to boil it first.

I got mine at JC Penny.

Get me out of here.

Hey, hey, let's keep it down in here.

The captain's trying to sleep.

Did you call my lawyer?

-Yes, ma'am. -Did you call my mother?

I left a message.

Never at home. [sobs]

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

-At least the brooch -- -Oh, Lyle, thank God.

All right. The following people are free to go.

Lady Buckingham, Stephen Carlisle,

-Eric Smith, and -- -That's Mike.

Max.

Do you have a brother in Chicago?

-Yes, he's a theatrical agent. -He's a fraud.

Easy, now.

That's the son of a bitch who wanted our $100.

I wouldn't call names if I were you, my dear.

Max has told me what you are, how you tried to proposition him

and then had your cronies lock him in a closet.

Propositioned?

Stephen, that's not true.

I, for one, believe it.

Max has never lied to me.

Family men don't lie.

Oh, a family man.

Come along, Stephen.

What about the rest?

We can'tjust leave them here.

Yeah, what about us?

You can sit and rot.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, owning a place like that.

Degenerate.

The pits indeed.

Beg pardon, ma'am,

but you own the Club Pits. It's one of your warehouses.

-My warehouses? -My boss?

My family man.

My mistake.

My aching feet.

My Luke.

Howdy, honey.

What are you doing here?

I struck it rich.

Big Boy's tonic fell on my head and it grows hair.

I'm a millionaire.

Marry me, Sugar.

[wedding bells chiming]

Marry me, Candy.

[wedding bells chiming]

Millionaires? Come along, dears.

I'm certain we can straighten this all out.

Not you, Max.

You obviously don't know good breeding when you see it.

[dramatic, triumphant music]

As the Americans say,

when you're hot, you're hot, and hot they were.

The raid at the Club Pits and the ensuing publicity

catapulted the Kane sisters to the top of the proverbial heap.

After an international tour that could only be described

as devastating,

the Kane sisters returned to the Big Apple in triumph.

Lady Buckingham was so overwhelmed by the notoriety

and the big bucks pouring into the box office

that she bought the girls their very own nightclub,

the Chez Gauche.

Yes, there's nothing like a riot in a fag bar

and a night in the slammer to ensure showbusiness immortality.

[applause]

Success at last.

A view from the top.

As we gaze back down the slope of ascent,

I see we neglected to mention a most essential item.

Pluck. Good old pluck.

Pluck the attitude, of course, but also pluck the verb.

Knowing how to pluck, and when to pluck,

and especially who to pluck.

[chuckling]

[applause]

[whimsical music]