Original subtitles

Sam.

Saint chafuitrada.

Wow.

We start tight on a full moon.

Milky, almost yellow.

We crane down to reveal an idyllic suburban street.

We float past a series of white picket fences until we settle on a sewer

grate. Pow.

Flies open.

Something big and scaly slithers out fast.

Hungry, definitely not human.

As a pulsating score kicks in,

We're on the back of the beast as it slithers menacingly towards a little

blue house.

Wait, I'm sorry.

This is our wedding video you're talking about? Yes.

Though I actually don't think of them as videos.

They're more like short films.

Yeah, because I'm not sure this is quite what we had in mind.

Okay, I know it's a little different than normal, but we really like the one

you did for Karen and Barb.

Oh. When they walk by the river and jump up and hide that jump was just dope

and I love that song they used.

I don't want to wait for our last to be over I want to know right now how

does it feel? Guys, here's the thing.

I really like you guys and you said you were horror fans, and I'm like.

I love horror so much and I thought this could be special.

You know what I mean? This is a film you're going to watch for the rest of

your lives.

But this isn't a film, dog.

This is a wedding video.

And we want one where they do a little jump.

Yeah. Now, can you do that for us or not?

And do you mind if I'm doing warm ups? Is it okay? Oh, yeah.

I've seen much crazier.

Okay, good.

Does it sound better to say my line, his vision is blurry, which couldn't

suggest. Or his vision is blurry, which could suggest.

Or I could.

You know what? I can even do it like an accent I can think of.

Just. I think you just should do it the way you auditioned it, honey.

Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while since I booked anything and just wanted to go.

Well, yeah, I just.

It's hard out there.

Sorry. Dr.

Number three, we're ready for you.

Okay. Knock him down.

Okay, thanks.

Thank you, Donna.

Hey, by the way, if you ever need anything, anything from Lowe's, I will

hook you up with my employee discount, no questions asked.

Okay.

Nice. 10 more cc's of tramadol.

Any idea what I'm looking at here? He said his vision was blurry, so, you

know, that could suggest stick neuritis.

Already ruled that out.

Cut. Hey, buddy.

Not sure what that accent is.

Just do it.

Normally okay, we're going to go again right away.

He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest.

Say the line faster.

Okay. Faster this time.

He. He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest.

Cut. Jesus.

I think we got to fire this guy.

Can we get somebody else in here?

I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain? Grandpa's dog.

I just ran into your mom at the supermarket.

She said you booked a big gig today.

I'm proud of you, bud.

Everyone in Buffalo misses you.

I love you.

Come visit, man.

Oh, Jesus, Jerry.

What is this thing about? There's some kind of sewer monster? Mister? Oh,

boy. Doug, look, I get that this is not what you dreamed about when you were

a kid, but dreams that go now.

I'll be retiring soon, and, Doug, it is only a matter of time before all

this is yours.

Really? Yeah.

Look around.

Take it all in and imagine if you do it right.

It's a pretty sweet setup we got here.

This is a B and maybe even a B plus life we're talking about.

Are you sure you don't want to do anything for your birthday? You used to

make me celebrate your half birthdays.

Let's go get a beer.

Something. Maybe we just watch that new mountain climbing document about the

lady that falls to her own death.

Yeah, fine.

We can do one about the free diver in the Maldives who drowns.

Jesus Christ, Doug.

I don't know.

Let's just take a gummy and go to it early.

Oh, my God, Bailey, no.

Oh, yes.

Yes. You love a good big birthday.

Daddy's in your face.

You knew about this? There's no idea, buddy.

Take my coat, please.

Thank you.

Hey. How are you? Jesus.

Kidding. My back.

I'm sorry.

No, that's not the actual lotion.

The actual basket.

It puts the lotion in the basket.

EBay. That is sick.

Yeah, no, that is actually sick.

Oh. Happy birthday, Dougie.

Thanks for making the trick, Claire.

You know I love Buffalo this time of year.

The slush, the hypothermia.

What's up? No trend.

No trend ever again.

In fact, he started banging his dental hygienist.

Anyway, tonight is all about you, baby.

It's about me? It's about.

You.

Are. Oh, my God.

Oh, it's been too long.

So good to see you.

It has been way too long.

Happy birthday.

Thank you for coming out here.

Think I'm going to miss this? Never.

We got a lot of catching up to do.

Many years ago, a group of young, passionate artists had a vision.

It was a vision that not particularly original or even good but it was

theirs. And so they made that vision a reality.

And without further ado, I present to you a completely unrestored print of

13 year old Doug McAllister's masterpiece, the Quatch.

What? I thought we lost all the copies of that.

Nope. I found it in my mom's garage.

It was stuck in the player.

Are we sure this is okay for the kids to watch? I don't give a shit.

Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swear so we could show it at the school

assembly. Which didn't make much sense because we were very clear about it

because. And R rated.

Happy birthday, pal.

This isn't happening.

Oh, it's happening.

Here we go.

Oh, I'm going to kill you.

I haven't changed a bit.

Holy. He's out on the trail.

Look out for the Quatch before you strike me.

I need a.

Got some bite left.

Are you all bummers? We've been watching a lot of Scorsese.

Didn't quite have the ear for it, did we? I need to tell you something.

What is it? That I love you.

I've always loved you and always will.

I love you too.

Now kiss me, woman.

So much charisma.

I'm ready.

You had it.

I still can't believe I let that talk me into doing it talking.

But it was your idea.

It's coming for us.

We're trapped.

What the hell are we gonna do? Oh my God.

We're all gonna die.

This is where it gets real.

Not on my watch, mister.

That's probably the best birthday gift I've ever received.

I didn't even know it existed.

Well, I'm giving it to you.

Plus the tv because you can't get it out.

Oh, it was right after.

Right after, you know.

Yes. And that's when Anaconda came out.

Remember? We saw it like 30 times.

Put it right there alongside the classics.

Totally. How about that cast? Come on.

JLo, Ice Cube, Owen Wells, Stolz.

I mean, it's a murderer's row.

Plus that snake was like a metaphor for our lives at that moment.

Like life is coming at you and hunting you and forcing you like off your

parent. Like your parents health insurance and stuff.

I don't know.

That's. No, it's true.

It was like that.

That's right.

How about that accent by John Boyd? I'm a.

That was a choice.

They get you.

Wrap around you and you till you get the privilege of hearing your bones

break before the power of embrace causes your names to explode.

I have the rights to Anaconda.

What? I have the rights to Anaconda? Yeah.

Apparently the movie was based on a novel by some dead Japanese guy.

And my agent introduced me to his widow.

Unbelievably, she.

She was such a fan of the four episodes that I did on swat.

Who is him? And she gave me the rights.

So what are you going to do with them? Well, not me.

Us. We're going to reboot the thing indie style.

Three weeks run and gun in the Amazon.

Skeletal crew.

Claire, you and I can star.

Kenny, you shoot it.

Doug, you direct.

Huh? Come on, what do you say? I mean, it's a wonderful idea in theory.

I'm in.

I could.

I can get time off from work.

Yes, you can.

Kenny. Sweet Kenny.

What are you talking about? You're in.

He's not.

No, he's not in.

He says like one thing and you're in already.

You're going to the Amazon.

He's not in.

What do you say, Claire? I.

I just.

I don't know if I'm in the right head space right now.

You are.

Of course you're not in the right head space.

That's the best head space.

Are you kidding me? Come on.

It's like he pray, love and.

Come on.

You know what? I'm in.

What? Yes.

Really? Sweet.

I mean, my life is totally.

Anyway, so.

God, I'm so happy to hear that.

I mean, not that your life is, but that you're in.

Besides, as soon as Doug says yes, we'll probably need you to finance this

whole thing.

What? Doug.

Griff, I'm sorry.

I got responsibilities.

Got Melee, Charlie, my job.

I know.

Making wedding videos.

Films. Right? It's a good life.

You know, it's a B, B plus life.

B, B plus life.

It's a good life.

Do you remember when we were kids and we would stay up till four in the

morning hanging out in your mom's basement watching horror movies, Scaring

the shit out of ourselves.

Texas Chainsaw on like, repeat.

Now we have the chance to make one ourselves.

Dude, that's what we dreamed about ever since we were little kids.

I hear you, but we're not kids anymore, Griff.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, all right.

I just.

I get it.

I do, I get it.

Still watching the Quatch.

Charlie, why don't you go check on those cookies? Okay, but I'm pausing it,

so don't touch it.

Gonna need some ice cold milch with that.

You got it.

What are you doing? What? Just go make the movie.

Melee. Come on.

Every time you watch this thing you light up like I haven't seen you light

up in a long time.

So what? I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood fantasy I had as a kid? Waste

a bunch of money and time, and for what? In the end, what's it gonna change?

Okay, okay, okay.

We hope you come to celebrate as we become the Hansen.

Holy.

I don't wanna live for hours to be over Ah, what am I singing?

I don't wanna wait.

Man, our lives could be, like, over.

What are you talking about? The Anaconda thing.

You were serious, right? Yes, very.

Then let's do it.

Let's reboot Anaconda.

Yes. Yes.

My hand upon the door.

All right, budget wise.

Soup to nuts.

What does it cost to get this thing made? I figure we need three weeks of

shooting some vfx, some sfx, a riverboat, Riverboat captain travel to and

from a jungle, and a gigantic real snake, preferably to rental.

Rental copy.

All in two.

$2.5 million.

That sounds right.

We've approved a loan for you for up to $9,400.

Yes, I provide the budget down to 43,000.

All in.

That sounds more.

Right. Now, the film does have to be scary, right? Terrifying.

But it can't just be about a giant snake killing people, you know? It has to

be about something, right? Right.

I mean, themes come on.

Like grief.

What about revenge? In terms of themes, that's like one of the top ones.

Oh, my God.

I got a good one.

Hit me.

Intergenerational trauma.

I love intergenerational trauma.

Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma? We're on to something.

This is a masterpiece.

You're a goddamn genius.

I love it.

Don't change a word.

You killed it.

Scary. It's emotional.

It's funny when it needs to be.

Dude. Thank you.

Hey, Doug.

I know that we had our little dust up, but I need to shoot this film, man.

Dusta? Yeah, he fired me from the wedding video stuff.

Cause I got a little wasted, knocked over the wedding cake.

But I'm dealing with it.

Like getting sober.

Yes. Well, I mean, buffalo sober.

Buffalo sober.

Mm. Just beer and wine.

And then some of the lighter liquors.

But definitely not all of them.

I'm proud of you, Doug.

If I'm being honest, I enabled you a little bit.

Of course, you get a second chance.

Let's do this.

Nice. Thank you, man.

Car is here.

And you have the methyl thing, right? You only take that once a week.

I almost forgot.

I got you this.

What? I know.

Pretty sick.

World's greatest Doug.

I Thought it should say dad.

Whatever, man.

That's funny.

I love it.

It's much.

Sat. All right, here's what I'm talking about.

So, hey, I was reading about anacondas on the plane.

Basically, they wait in the water for days, stalking their prey.

Never moving, just waiting.

And then when a prey comes, snatch and grab.

Thousand pounds of pressure.

You think you're gonna get away.

You're not crushing you.

Oxygen leaving your lungs.

Oh, God, it's terrible.

So like in the movie? In a comic? Yeah, exactly.

So it's real? Yeah, it's all real.

Very real.

Here's the story of this woman, God bless her.

The snake wraps around her so tight, the eyeballs just.

No way.

It was my grandmother, Silvana.

Horrible grandmother.

But still sad, huh? I'm sorry.

Who are you? Oh, I'm sorry.

Carlos. Santiago.

Yeah, you can call me Santiago.

Oh, hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey, It's Kenny.

Kenny from the phone.

Hey. Hi.

Yeah, this is our snake handler.

You're supposed to be the best, no? Supposed to be.

Have a joke I earned.

No, I'm the best.

Yes. Ah, that's good show.

Welcome to Brazil.

Let's meet the snake.

When I found him, he was dying of starvation.

His food supply destroyed by gold miners who put mercury in the river.

Gold miners? Gold mining poisons early.

And their greed almost killed my snake.

Oh, but I fed him.

I nursed him back to life.

In. In many ways, he did the same for me.

Tale as old as time.

Saved by a snake.

What's her name? What's Griff? Okay, Griff.

It's not only his name.

It's my tiny giants, my friend.

One of the most important creatures of the herbalogical world.

No, of course.

I. I sure, I didn't.

I wasn't trying to.

I. Yes.

Okay, let me introduce you.

AOR A.

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, cutie.

Not cute.

Hell, yes.

This thing is nuts.

There are rumors of condors even bigger.

Maybe four or five times his size.

Go ahead, Kenny from the phone.

Is it true that they regurgitate their prey sometimes? I mean, if you're

lucky, you die right away because of suffocation.

But only the unlucky ones survive.

Unlucky? Yeah, because then you might actually be cautious when the snake

comes back to finish you off.

Gotcha. O, better to die.

That's.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

A snake guy, does he seem kind of batshit crazy? I mean, he's best friends

with a snake.

Of course, he's a little quirky, but I like him.

Really? Yeah.

But then again, I used up all my vacation days to come make a self finance

snake movie with you three.

So your judgment's really off.

My judgment is off.

Anybody talk to the captain? It's time to shoot.

I'll reach out again, boss.

Hi guys.

My name is Anna.

I believe you spoke to my father on the phone.

Bruno? That's your dad? Yeah.

He sends his apologies, but he's at the hospital.

Oh. Ah, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, you'll have to make other accommodations because I need to

take this boat up river for a routine service.

But I can assure you a full refund.

No, wait, wait.

Everything else is booked.

Yeah, and? And we're going to shoot a movie.

It's a.

It's a reboot, Vananda.

Technically it's more of a reimagining, but it's actually more of a

spiritual sequel.

Good for you.

There's got to be a way, right? We can crew the boat.

There's nothing I can do.

We have dreamed of making this film together our entire lives.

Please, I am begging you.

Please help us find another way.

Let's do this, but with the fastest.

Okay, it.

How did you find this boat?

One more thing, you guys, before we go to bed.

We got a big day tomorrow.

If you remember, we had a tradition on all our films the night before we

started shooting.

We would say a prayer to the movie gods, asking them to basically not screw

us over.

And for the first time ever, may they listen.

Come on.

To the movie gods.

All right, we're rolling.

Anaconda, scene 15, take one.

Slap it.

Bella. What the hell are you still doing here? I've come to take you home.

It's time you stop chasing this mythical snake.

And what if I'm not prone to giving up? I didn't see you filming.

Now what do we do? In EPK background DVD bonus stuff.

The Anaconda is the story of an intrepid biologist, Plan, played by Claire,

who hires an unhinged snake tracker, played by Grif, to hunt down and kill a

giant mythical condom that ate her entire family.

Come and get me, you God damn snake.

And on a deeper level, it's about chasing your dreams.

And. Camera set push ups.

Good. And action.

What's it like shooting with Doug again? He and I are best friends.

We've worked together our whole lives.

And I went out to LA and was going to come out.

We were going to be a partnership.

And he.

He didn't do it.

Griff and I planned to work together in la, but you know, life intervened.

But it doesn't Matter.

Cuz now we're together.

And now we're back.

We're making this.

And it's as it should be.

I am the engine.

You're going to move slow and steady.

Sometimes it goes fast.

Snake POV rd, take one.

No, it's not working.

Snake POV the right way to day two.

Sometimes he goes from above in the trees, sometimes from below in the

water. The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of aspects of his character for

me. Something there.

Ah, why would I be nervous about doing a love story with Griff? You guys

used to date.

That was a long time ago.

A little bit of chaos is part of the ingredients.

Look at each other.

This might be the last time you look at each other.

You think you'd be a little nicer to the guy who's out here to save your

life? You're an asshole

and a PhD.

And cut.

Great stuff, guys.

We got it.

Should we go one more time? Wanna try it again? No, I'm good if you're good.

Let's go one more time.

The chemistry between you two is.

Yeah, like we were right back in high school when you looked up at her.

Well, that's because of your note about taking the beat right before you

did. Yeah.

Yeah, it made the scene.

I tell you, I never felt like this on squat.

I mean, granted, I was only in a couple of episodes, but it was never

collaborative, it was never fun.

Not like this.

This is like we were back on Quatch.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, so one script thing I was thinking, at the.

At the midway point, instead of talking the bad guy out of it, what if

Claire's character headbutts him? Sorry.

Headbutts him.

Headbutts him.

Or. Or we both do double headbutt.

Come on.

Kind of revolutionary.

Doug is super revolutionary.

Why is that super revolutionary? It's never been done.

Jesus Christ.

This is a beautiful scene with real stakes.

Doug, feel free to weigh in here.

No, I hear you.

I do.

And as always, I trust your instincts on this.

But a double headbutt is pretty revolutionary, right? It ain't.

It's very revolutionary.

Yes. There's no denying it.

None. Come on.

Claire is the problem.

You just.

You don't know how to headbutt.

Why would I not know how to headbutt? We're not born with these skills.

We learn them along the way.

Let me show you.

Tight core.

Breathe in.

Hold that breath and you can vocalize.

Another kind of headbutt is more unleashed, just full on.

Got the arms in there.

That's Good.

Send that shit into the gold.

Or you put some Brazilian sauce on that, you know, and they go, hey, I.

I love Brazilian spice.

Yeah. If I was gonna headbutt, I would go for the bridge of the nose.

Yes. Just crack it.

Here.

Sam,

I'm sorry, but how could this happen, huh? Kenny, I thought you said this

guy was a pro.

That's what he said, but he hasn't provided us with a certificate.

You fixed the crate, right? It's taken care of.

My thing.

My job under control.

All good.

My A door is a beautiful, intelligent, smart, sexy creature.

He does exactly what I command.

And I would never let anything happen to you.

Or the crazy one.

Or her.

Or her.

Or this actor here.

So have a good night.

May the sounds of the forest be the music of your dreams.

Jesus, he's a poet.

Okay, actors, on your marks.

Santiago, is Hunter ready? Yes.

Vitor is always ready.

Hot joints ready.

And action.

Up, please.

Cut. Yeah.

All right, cut.

Hello, Kenny, do you mind if I sano take five? High tour five.

Hey. Hey.

Wow. It's really huge when you see it up close in person, like that majestic

creature. But I just want to.

I. I throw myself in front of the snake to kind of protect Claire's

character, right? Correct.

Is there any value in not doing that? What? No, no, no.

He sacrifices himself for her.

It caps his arc.

It's so important, right? And also, dude, it's totally safe.

Yeah. Santiago has Hydor under control.

You got nothing to worry about.

No, we're good.

Yeah, we're good.

Okay. All right, let's do this.

All right.

Take it from the top.

Back to Juan Santiago.

High tor.

Action. Go.

I'm not leaving.

Not without you, Jerry.

This thing's got me.

The world's depending on you.

I'm depending on you, God damn it.

And I love you, Derek Van Oil.

Put your face right up next to the snake.

I don't like it if I want to do it anymore.

Get closer.

It's friendly.

Like. Did you gotta do.

No, I don't quite have it.

We got this shot.

This is gold.

Just give me one more second.

One inch closer to your face.

Get it right up in there, Scrap hero.

Yeah. No.

Oh,

I know you think this is strange.

A grown man get emotional over some dad snake.

Jesus. But I love him.

And he love him back whatever way he could.

No. Why is Kenny crying?

Hey, I don't want you here.

Not for this.

You tried to murder me, Griff.

What? Let the man grieve you.

Murder my friend? Just get out of my face.

Where am I supposed to go? Griff, go.

Just move.

Welcome, my dear friend.

Snake. Snake?

No, not you.

No, I know.

I'm sorry.

I don't.

I just.

I'm not trying to disturb you.

I just want.

Just leave him alone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you don't believe me, but it's true.

I really am.

A friend of mine died once, too, and it.

It hurts.

Was it his name? Was it a snake? No, it was just a human person.

Oh. Yeah.

Still sad, brain? Totally.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Beer? Well, how much feel is here? But, yeah, let's mix it up.

A few commercials, TV did a few episodes of swat.

Oh, swat.

Yeah. Oh, I like that one.

I swear.

I even had the last line.

Thanks. The last, like, last line is season three.

So what happened? Well, the producers decided that they didn't really need

that character, so they got rid of me.

I mean, it's only been going about eight or nine more seasons.

They don't deserve you.

Yeah. You're a star.

Thank you.

Yeah. You're thinking movies? I mean, an industrial.

You know what movie I like? The Large Enough Backer.

Vance. You should do a movie like that.

Oh, man, I wish.

Yeah. I like you.

I like you, too.

You know what? What? I'll get a new snake for your movie now.

Really? Yes.

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.

Yeah. You come with me.

Of course.

What? Should we be in here? Maybe we should head back.

What was it? What was that? Listen.

There are snakes around here.

I can feel it.

What does it feel like? I don't know.

It's just very snaky.

What's a bit snaky? Huh?

They hear from vibrations on the ground every step we take, showing them

closer. And when the jungle goes quiet,

that's when you.

And then we should go back to the boat.

Think it'd be a good idea to go back to the boat? Let's go back to the boat.

Santiago? Santiago? Santiago?

Nope.

Hey, have you seen Santiago? I don't think he's come back.

Back from what? We went out to go get a new snake we got.

You went to find a snake in the middle of the night? Yeah.

Well, we need one for the movie.

We was dark, we got separated.

It was crazy out there.

You went out in the middle of the night to find a juicy snake in the jungle?

You know what that's called? Producing.

Really? I guarantee he will be back with a giant snake.

And you and I are making movies.

You're right.

Santiago's a Pro.

He'll be fine.

If he's not back soon, we'll go look for him.

Thank you very much, Santiago.

Guys, it's been over an hour.

I have to go find him.

Well, you're not going alone.

Yeah, we're definitely coming with you.

It's safer that way.

Have you guys tried this thing? It is like a warm bowl of soup, but in chair

form. Yeah, man, chairs, they, like, hold you, man.

They literally have arms, right? Wow.

Like when your parents are gone.

We still have chairs, you know? The hell are you talking about? Let's go

find Santiago.

Let's get a snake for our snake movie.

Yeah, Santiago, let's go.

Hey, what direction are we headed in? Um, like, that way.

Wait, Kenny, are you high right now? Yeah, but I'm good.

I already peaked.

Jesus Christ, Kenny.

We're completely lost.

Wait, you guys, this way.

It looks like an old cameraman.

Sleeping in there.

Hola. Wow.

Looks totally abandoned.

And anybody home?

Maybe some food and water.

We can stay here at least tonight.

Oh, man, there's got snacks in here.

It.

That's where that guy went.

Oh, my God.

What is out there?

We gotta go now.

Let's go.

Let's go.

We can't let it crush the van, crush the band.

No, I mean, watch.

Listen. It's a camper van.

Probably. It's got a split charge battery.

The relay probably popped off.

It's underneath the hood.

Kenny, can you fix it? Usually I could fix it, yes.

But adding I'm still having some visual problems because of the.

You did it to me again.

You did it on the winning video.

And then you're wasted off your ass.

I'm dead.

I'm really sorry, boss.

Oh, buffalo sober.

You buffalo sober.

Do you have any more grif? Please, can you fix it? I think I'm better suited

to be our wheelman.

Talking about I've always been a better driver than you.

Now you've been a safer driver.

I passed the driver's test on my first try.

You took three times.

Yeah, but that's because I.

That was because of yield.

I didn't know.

Now I know what that is.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die.

Sorry, I'll just fix.

Hey, wait.

No, stop.

Ready? What was that? You're not supposed to get that big.

Oh, God, it's like a dinosaur.

These guys for help.

We have to stop.

Do not stop the car.

Adam, what is going on? They're illegal gold miners who patrol the jungles

around here.

These guys are dangerous.

They'll kill anyone who crosses into their Territory.

They're going to kill us.

Why are they shooting at us? R Can't you drive any faster? Whoa, whoa.

Anna, what are you doing? Whoa.

Eddie, are you getting this? Yes.

Keep rolling.

Only one left.

Where is she? Oh my God.

Where is she?

Who? Who? Who do you mean? I know there's someone else here.

So where is she?

Let's go.

Come on.

We gotta go fast.

Look, I can get you guys out of here.

All we need to do is keep heading north.

There's a small airport about a day and a half from here.

You can get us home? Yes.

Get us home.

I think we gotta call it, man.

We've got such good stuff.

Stuff. And we're so close.

Really going home, buddy.

I know.

I don't want to go home empty handed either.

But we came out here to make Anaconda and now we're in it.

I'm sorry.

Sa.

Guys. Emergency meeting.

Cast and crew only.

Can you sit down? What is that? New Patches.

We have some time before the next port.

And I had an idea last night that I think is just too damn good not to

shoot. Dog, everybody's pretty burnt, man.

Just hear me out.

I'm begging you.

Please. Kenny.

Alright. Sorry, boss.

Thank you.

What if you two on your way to find the anaconda, run into a total badass on

an incredible quest? Oh, that's interesting.

Let me guess.

To expose illegal gold miners.

Bingo. Raises the stakes.

Exactly. And while they're hunting down this mythical snake, they actually

end up fighting the real villain.

An even bigger snake, man.

Oh yeah.

Yes. Man.

I like this.

This is good.

And if we add this element, it does make the movie much bigger.

Like now it's about something.

Themes them.

Yeah. Okay.

You know what guys? I didn't want to say anything before, but this thing

might be an awards play.

I mean, the Academy loves social horror, right? Dude, you could be the white

Jordan Peele.

I was thinking the same thing.

We've been through so much, you guys.

Let's finish this movie.

I'm in.

Let's do it.

Yeah. Oh.

Who are you gonna get to play this new awesome character?

What? No.

And cut.

Yes. That's what I'm talking about.

Are you sure you've never acted before? I swear, some of the best acting

I've ever seen.

You're a natural.

You're incredible.

Thank you.

Take five.

Next up, we got 72 guys.

You see what I'm saying? She's incredible, right? Yes.

Hey, question though.

If. If she saves us, she doesn't really give my character anything to do

yeah, this was supposed to be the moment where my character starts falling

for Derek.

So he needs to do something heroic, you know, unselfish.

I don't know, you guys.

This just feels like her moment.

She actually did it in real life.

But good news, I'm gonna shoot all the rest on her.

So you guys have the day off.

See you later.

Take the day off, huh?

This is our movie, Griff.

And he's just cutting us out? Yep.

Welcome to show business, baby.

You're not in it unless you're getting screwed over by your friends.

You ever wake up and wonder, what the hell have I done with my life? Yeah,

like every day.

Day. Hey, at least you had the guts to go after what you wanted.

You think I wanted to go to law school? What have I got to show for it

though, huh? You know what I have? I have a terrible apartment and a 74 year

old roommate.

Sometimes I go to Trader Joe's just to feel air conditioning.

You at least have a career.

I mean, what do I have to show for it? I got no family, no career, never

done anything that matters.

No nothing.

It's never too late,

Grif. I know you're in there.

Let's make a movie.

Hola, Migo.

Jesus. Come on, get dressed.

We've got a packed day.

What are you talking about? I am dressed.

I'm dressed really pretty, Very nicely.

All right, can you just take a cold shower? We gotta film like now.

Yes, I.

You know.

You know what you should call the movie? Anna Conda.

Get it? Anna Conda.

Because of Anna.

Can you just get in costume? You know what? You wouldn't even be here if it

wasn't for me.

Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo shooting your bullshit wedding

videos films.

Yeah, you can tell yourself that.

My God, you know what? I vouched for you too.

Even the rights holders are like, who is this guy? I said trust me, he's

good. What is that?

Attention all crew.

Let's get Prepped for scene 85.

Location Bravo, five minutes.

Are they making a movie? Excuse me, Are you guys shooting a movie? We're

doing a reboot of Anaconda.

Come again? A reboot of Anaconda.

Anaconda, like Ice Cube Anaconda? Yeah.

Sony's rebooting it.

I know.

No new ideas.

That's weird.

So let me get this straight.

You don't have the rights to Anaconda? No.

Well, I.

Not legally.

And you've never owned the.

The rights to Anaconda? I mean, who owns Anaconda? Sony.

Sony Owns Anaconda.

Yeah, no, no, I know that.

No, I mean, like, you know, like in the larger sense.

Why would you tell us that you had the rights to the goddamn Anaconda

franchise when you very much don't have the rights to the goddamn Anaconda

franchise? Do we really even need the rights? Really? I mean, like who.

Who gives a shit about ip? Yeah, literally everyone.

That's what big movies are.

That's why we're here.

You think that's why we're here? Yes, that's why we're here.

We almost died.

We're out in the middle of the goddamn jungle.

We're alive.

I had to lie.

I had to lie to you.

You wouldn't have come otherwise.

You wouldn't.

None of you would have.

Ah, bullshit.

Not bullshit.

It's why you never came out to LA with me in the first place.

Even though we had a whole plan to work together your whole life you just.

It's been dictated by fear.

Griff, you're fired.

What? You're fired.

No. No, I'm not.

You can't fire me.

You know why? Because I quit already last night.

I just didn't tell anybody yet.

So

too bad for you, I guess.

Cuz I.

I already quite grif.

Wait, where are you even gonna go? To find the Anaconda boat.

Maybe they can help me get home.

Just think about this.

It's not safe.

That's a tiny boat.

There's a giant snake out there.

Please don't do this.

Griffin, it.

Jlo. Ice cube.

John boyd.

Are you in this one? Help me.

Help me.

Help me.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Come down.

I'll come get you.

It's okay.

You're safe.

You're safe.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Doug. Doug, what's going on? Why have we stopped? Well, Anna found a great

place to shoot the next scene.

Okay, I know losing Griff was hard, but between the four of us, we can

finish this film.

I'm not going home empty handed.

Come on, man.

Without Griff, that's not part of the plan.

Well, plans change.

And that's part of filmmaking too.

No, no, Doug, we have to go back for him.

He's not safe out there.

Anna, we need to turn the boat around.

We are not turning the boat around.

Yeah, we're not turning the boat around.

Everyone off the boat now.

What's going on? Anna, what are you doing? This definitely isn't the plan.

Well, plans change, Doug.

Isn't that filmmaking? And every good Film needs a bit of a twist.

Everyone off the boat now.

To the docket.

You going to carry this for me? Back to the boat.

Let's go.

And then what? And then you going to shoot us? No.

I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's inside these bags.

You want to look at it? Look at it.

Wait, is.

Is that gold? So you're the miner.

You did all of this for money? Very quickly.

I'm not gonna be part of your sick holy.

Coma,

You Dumbledore.

I'm with the government to track illegal gold miners and then here runs one

of the biggest rings in Brazil.

Don't trust anything she says.

She's a liar.

She's a damn liar.

We're filmmakers from Buffalo.

We're working on a spiritual sequel to Anaconda.

And I don't know if she mentioned that, but it's not just a reboot.

And that picked out my friend who had the lead and I gave her a juicy ass

roll and this is how she treats.

Shut up.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

Off topic.

Go. Arrest her.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God.

Me? That'd be me.

Griff. No, he was a good guy.

I'm a good guy.

He's a cop.

Look, I don't.

What? I'm a good guy.

Drop it.

On your knees.

Now. The far of you fetching the water.

Wait, I.

No,

No, no.

Anna, don't.

Don't do this.

You two.

Claire. On your knees.

No. You don't have to be this person.

I have children at home.

They're 10 and 13.

Please, please.

Think about what you're doing to my kids.

Just shut your mouth.

Turn around.

Now.

On your knees.

No.

For the record, that's how you have fun.

You won't do it.

You don't have the balls.

I know you, Claire.

You don't know me.

I don't even have kids.

Jesus christ.

I think the boat is back that way.

Yeah, but then so is the snake.

We can't go that way.

We gotta take this trail and get to the high ground.

Wait, what's that? What?

Did it bite you? Yeah.

You know what? I think it bit me.

I think it got me.

I know it hurts, but we gotta get out of here now because the snake is out

there. Sorry, I can't move.

My leg is freaking out.

What are we gonna do? We're gonna have to piss on you, man.

Huh? On the bite is the only way.

I thought that was just jellyfish.

No, no, no, no.

It's. It's all animals.

Are you sure? Positive.

Someone's got a piss.

I need one of your pisses.

I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm just.

I am drained.

Tapped. Bone dry.

Clara, you want to take care of this? I'm wearing a onesie.

Kenny, we don't have time to argue about this.

You're up.

You know this isn't possible.

Why not? Because he's pee shy.

Pee shy? I have urinary stage fright.

I haven't been able to pee in public in 35 years.

My life sucks.

You can do this.

You have to do this.

Whiz on me.

You got it, buddy.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can do it.

Let it flow.

Yeah. Just diss on me.

Come on.

Whiz on me.

Whiz on me.

Do it.

Whiz on me.

You don't think I want you? I would love to piss all over you, man, but it's

not the cards.

Whiz on me.

I can't.

I'm. You can do it.

Whiz on me.

Do it.

Ken, that is an order.

Whiz on me now.

Okay. Okay.

You got it, buddy.

You do it.

There's one more problem.

What? I haven't told you about this.

I can only pee sitting down.

Jesus Christ.

I need a chair.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Come on, buddy.

Come on, Kenny.

Come on.

Come on.

Just do it.

Do it.

Come on, buddy.

Come on, buddy.

It.

Griff. I'm sorry about what I said before on the boat.

The truth is, I've been jealous of you for a time.

Long, long, long time jealous.

For having the balls to do what I couldn't.

For going after what you wanted.

Going to LA and putting yourself on.

Oh, my God.

We have.

We have to go after him.

I got.

I do not have a choice.

Come on.

Oh, Chris.

Oh, what did I do? I tricked him into coming here and now he's dead.

No. No.

We all chose to be here.

I wish it was me.

It should be me.

This is not your fault.

And we have to keep going.

Hey, guys, I think I found out which way we should go.

It's a big open field.

We gotta get across it to get to the boat.

But we can't just run across.

It's too exposed.

The snake could come from anywhere.

Maybe we can create a distraction.

Hell, yeah, maybe.

But wait, how do we do that? I mean, it's gonna be somewhere.

It's here.

What if.

Oh, my God.

Doug. No.

Dougie. Dougie.

Come on, man.

Is he.

Oh, jesus christ.

Wait. Wait.

Baby dog is the distraction.

How? I know.

This is horrible.

Okay? But if we can drag Doc out to the field, prop him out and attach the

boar, who's back.

If we make it really hard for the snake to swallow him, it'll occupy the

snake long enough for us to get across the field and get back to the boat.

That's a really smart idea.

Oh, God.

This is horrible.

That meant saving all of us.

I'm sure Doug would have wanted this.

I'm not sure he would have wanted this.

Wait, Are we going to go? What are you doing? Snakes.

They love squirrel me.

Wait, your snake is revived.

I can't.

Oh,

He's alive.

He's alive.

I thought you checked his pulse.

Right there.

Oh, you did a shitty job.

What the.

Hey, John, don't.

What? He's right behind you.

Ah.

Run. Don't run.

Run. What the hell is on my back? It's a long story.

Just.

Holy. Get back to the boat.

Get back to the boat.

Okay. All right.

Fine. Okay.

I think we're okay.

I think we're okay.

All right.

All right.

What the hell? I thought I was dead.

How you doing, Chucky? I'm okay now.

Dude, I thought we lost you.

Can I say something? I'm.

I'm sorry.

I think I got so caught up in wanting to play a hero that I lost sight of

what it is that's really important to me.

And that's just making stuff with you guys again.

Griff, I feel the exact same way.

I love you guys.

I just have one question.

Whose idea was it to put that dead squirrel in my mouth? It was like a group

decision. It wasn't really.

Yeah, it wasn't like one person.

Snakes love squirrel meat.

I knew it was your idea.

Guys, come on.

We gotta keep moving.

All right, well, I made a choice and I'm sticking with it.

Holy. It's the anaconda set.

What happened? It's destroyed.

Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?

Can you help us? What? What? I.

What again? Sorry.

Behind you.

Holy ice cube.

Who you think it was? John Boy.

Let's go.

Let's go, let's go.

Let's go.

Get in there.

Tun. Socks.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right.

A snake tore up the set.

Everybody's scattered.

Lamp hit me, I'm down.

I get up.

Nobody there.

What about JLo? Got Eric, Stolts, Jenny from the block.

So she gonna be okay.

But Eric came from the block.

She. Jesus.

Damn it.

I don't know how we're gonna do it, but we have to kill it before it kills

us. I'm with that.

I'm with that.

How are they gonna do it in your script? I don't know.

The writer never finished the third act.

What? You guys started shooting before you knew the end? Welcome to

Hollywood, buttercup.

That's what they do.

They just make it up as they go along.

What was the general gist? Do you have any idea? Was anything any.

All I know is they were setting up pyrotechnics all through here.

Is it still up? It's hooked up, but I don't know how to work pyro.

Kenny, you know how to ignite pyro, right? Not a problem, fy.

Hey, hey.

I don't know what y' all talking about, all right? I gotta go save JLO and

Stolz. Okay.

Where you go? You're going after them? They the homies.

Okay? I can't leave them out here with the Ops.

I got to go and represent.

They my castmates.

Act is good.

Respect.

Do you mind? Yeah.

Such fans.

Everything you do.

Y' all group it out.

Y' all group it out.

What? Let's go.

Yes. Everybody get in here.

Grand. Okay, don't post that.

No. Can we get one more for safety? I don't think my face was totally in

there. No, it's okay.

No, we're fine.

It's fine.

You're going to need that.

Oh, are you sure? Of course.

I got another one.

All right.

Keep it.

Gangster.

Legend. You thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, yeah.

It could work, right? 100%.

What are you thinking? Just make sure that it's exactly what I'm thinking.

Which I'm sure it is.

Totally. Super sure.

Think about killing that snake and say, that's it.

That's what I was thinking.

That, too.

Okay, here's the plan.

Griff, you get the detonator from Kenny.

Claire, you fire up the generators.

Kenny, you set up the cameras.

I'll get the golf cart.

We'll lure the snake into the Piper Field and end this thing once and for

all. You ready for our big Hollywood end?

You ready? Yeah.

Kenny said as soon as we get to the pyro field, we can detonate these one by

one. Gonna blow this sky high.

Sky freaking high.

Come get us.

Where is he?

Take off the governor.

Go underneath there.

How are you talking about? I'm talking about golf cart technology.

Where'd it go? I don't see it.

I don't know where it is.

Get your head on a swivel.

I don't see it.

Anywhere. Oh, my God.

Shoot. Lost a second.

We don't get this thing online in time, then we're all dead.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Dude, you're actually a really good driver.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Why is there no power? Why is there no power? Pyro field, dead ahead.

Now or never.

Arms and ready.

Look. Look for something like this.

Okay, almost.

It's getting closer.

It's getting closer.

Oh, God.

Go faster.

Found it.

Die, you giant sick.

What the.

What? It's not working.

God. Hit all of them.

Hitting every one of them.

Now we die.

Now we die.

Why didn't it happen? Why isn't it going? I don't know.

Oh, wait, I forgot to turn it on.

Did we kill it? No.

Why? Come on, cart stock.

Oh.

Oh.

We're all going to die,

Sam.

Not on my watch, mister.

Oh, gross.

And that's your wrap on Snake.

Oh,

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Long time ago, a group of artists had a vision to one day live their dream

of making a major motion picture.

And last year, against all odds, I'm proud to say that dream was real.

Us.

As my friend Kenny likes to say, the snake is a metaphor for the monsters

that come for all of us if our dreams remain unrealized.

And to be clear, there's also a non metaphor snake.

Oh, my God.

Big shout out to cla, Simon and Katie tr.

And our love for the.

Thanks.

While we may not have the rights.

We don't.

We don't have.

We definitely don't have the rights.

This is our completely unauthorized, possibly illegal reboot of the Sony

classic film.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Anaconda.

Sam.

It.

Are you Doug McAllister? Huh? You directed the unauthorized version of

Anaconda even though you didn't have the rights? Yeah.

I saw your little movie and I loved it.

I loved it.

That's why I'm here.

I'm here because we're doing another Anaconda and I want you to direct it.

Are you in.

My Anaconda,

Baby? Doc, My anaconda don't My Anaconda don't want none unless you got

butts on.

I like big butts and I cannot lie Two other brothers keep denying and when a

girl walks in with a itty bitty when you stand around think in your face who

gets sprung Wanna pull up tough did you notice that butt was stubbed? Keep

the the jeans he's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring oh, baby, I

want to get with you and took your picture oh, my.

God,

It.