Original subtitles

ON RADIO: 'Ding Dong Merrily On High'

JIMMY HUMS

What's all this?

Oh, are you writing your great novel?

Not sure I've got one of those in me.

It's for the Darrowby Nativity play.

Oh, Jim, if you're in need of the back end of a donkey,

Oh, Jim, if you're in need of the back end of a donkey,

my brother's always available.

Helen's supposed to be organising it, but she's full of the cold.

Helen's supposed to be organising it, but she's full of the cold.

I hope she's feeling better for Christmas Day.

But she's under strict instructions to stay in bed.

But she's under strict instructions to stay in bed.

I don't want her worrying. I told her I can manage.

I don't want her worrying. I told her I can manage.

That's my costume.

That's my costume.

And I play an angel who comes down from... Hebden.

And I play an angel who comes down from... Hebden.

And I play an angel who comes down from... Hebden.

LAUGHTER

From heaven, Jimmy!

You haven't come from just down the road.

Mrs Hall, there's a highly inventive recipe here for a "murkey".

Mrs Hall, there's a highly inventive recipe here for a "murkey".

Doesn't look half bad.

What's a murkey? It's a mock turkey.

What's a murkey? It's a mock turkey.

It's stuffing, which I know you like,

wrapped in bacon, and then we all pretend it's a roast.

wrapped in bacon, and then we all pretend it's a roast.

Are those parsnips for legs?

Are those parsnips for legs?

National shortage of the real bird, you see.

I've still got a couple of leads.

I've not given up on finding one yet.

I think we must face facts.

Anything with wings is long since sold.

I have wings.

And I can't wait to see them in action, Jimmy.

And I can't wait to see them in action, Jimmy.

Yes, the Magi weren't there at the birth, of course.

Yes, the Magi weren't there at the birth, of course.

And they weren't kings. Thank you, that's very helpful.

And they weren't kings. Thank you, that's very helpful.

And there's no mention in the Bible of animals in the stable.

And there's no mention in the Bible of animals in the stable.

Well, I say stable, it's more like a family guest room.

Well, I say stable, it's more like a family guest room.

It's all down to a mistranslation of the Greek.

Do you not like Christmas, Uncle Siegfried?

Do you not like Christmas, Uncle Siegfried?

Are you kidding? This is him loving Christmas.

Are you kidding? This is him loving Christmas.

Quite right.

And if you don't behave, I'll tell you how they celebrate in Austria...

And if you don't behave, I'll tell you how they celebrate in Austria...

IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT:..Krampus!

SIEGFRIED SNARLS

OWN ACCENT:I'm due at Stokes' Farm. See you for lunch.

OWN ACCENT:I'm due at Stokes' Farm. See you for lunch.

I mean, parsnips... for legs.

I mean, parsnips... for legs.

Mrs Stokes!

Mrs Stokes, you'll catch your death out here.

Mrs Stokes, you'll catch your death out here.

Aye, well, I thought you'd best see what this daft apeth's been up to.

Aye, well, I thought you'd best see what this daft apeth's been up to.

Oh, are we in trouble again, Hilda?

Well, she got out in the night,

Well, she got out in the night,

and then, this morning, I caught her at the house opposite,

and then, this morning, I caught her at the house opposite,

chewing on this!

Ah, it's a hazard of Christmas for goats.

Ah, it's a hazard of Christmas for goats.

There's laurel in it.

It can be harmful. Well, I know that.

It can be harmful. Well, I know that.

Do you think I walked down to the telephone box

Do you think I walked down to the telephone box

for the good of me health?

Luckily, she doesn't seem to have eaten too much.

Luckily, she doesn't seem to have eaten too much.

No, there's no luck in it,

just me hobbling after her in the freezing cold.

just me hobbling after her in the freezing cold.

And I must have just got there in time -

she'd have gobbled the lot given half a chance.

she'd have gobbled the lot given half a chance.

Let's take a look at you. 'Ey, you beggar!

Let's take a look at you. 'Ey, you beggar!

HILDA BLEATS Ha-ha!

At least there's no sign of lethargy.

At least there's no sign of lethargy.

There you go.

Abdomen doesn't seem to be distended.

All right.

HILDA BLEATS No excess salivation.

HILDA BLEATS No excess salivation.

I'm sure she's fine. Oh.

Let's give her a drench, just to be on the safe side.

Let's give her a drench, just to be on the safe side.

Oh, you're gonna give her a drench, are you?

Oh, you're gonna give her a drench, are you?

It's entirely routine, Mrs Stokes. I think I can manage.

It's entirely routine, Mrs Stokes. I think I can manage.

Aye.

Aye.

Right, let's get you safely shut up in the barn, shall we?

Right, let's get you safely shut up in the barn, shall we?

Come on. There we are.

In you go. Come on.

Come on, you daft apeth! Up.

Yes, the old ways work sometimes.

Yes, the old ways work sometimes.

The tannins in the tea prevent absorption of the toxins, you see.

The tannins in the tea prevent absorption of the toxins, you see.

Hmm. 'Ey, well, you'll need more than that in.

Hmm. 'Ey, well, you'll need more than that in.

I can tell you don't make the tea so often.

I can tell you don't make the tea so often.

I might normally advise a rumenotomy.

I might normally advise a rumenotomy.

What, cut her open?

Well, it's the only way of getting out what she's eaten.

Well, it's the only way of getting out what she's eaten.

But given her age, I really wouldn't want

But given her age, I really wouldn't want

to put her through that if we can avoid it.

Oh, no, I don't like the sound of that.

Oh, no, I don't like the sound of that.

Stick some of that in. You can't give her brandy.

Stick some of that in. You can't give her brandy.

A little nip. It works wonders. For you, perhaps. For her, no.

A little nip. It works wonders. For you, perhaps. For her, no.

A little nip. It works wonders. For you, perhaps. For her, no.

By 'eck, I need it wi' you.

By 'eck, I need it wi' you.

Are you looking forward to Christmas, Mrs Stokes?

Are you looking forward to Christmas, Mrs Stokes?

Ah, well, it'll be a farmer's Christmas - same as any other day.

Ah, well, it'll be a farmer's Christmas - same as any other day.

Ah, well, it'll be a farmer's Christmas - same as any other day.

But I might let the old girl in the kitchen for a few treats...

But I might let the old girl in the kitchen for a few treats...

But I might let the old girl in the kitchen for a few treats...

if she behaves herself.

if she behaves herself.

That's a big "if", knowing Hilda. Aye.

That's a big "if", knowing Hilda. Aye.

What about you?

Well, everybody's home this year. I'm rather looking forward to it.

Well, everybody's home this year. I'm rather looking forward to it.

Oh, good.

You don't want to be rattling round

that big house on your own again, do you?

that big house on your own again, do you?

Not if I can help it, no. Now, you make the most of it.

Not if I can help it, no. Now, you make the most of it.

Cos they won't be there forever, will they? None of 'em.

Cos they won't be there forever, will they? None of 'em.

Yes, perhaps we'll let it brew a little longer. Aye.

Yes, perhaps we'll let it brew a little longer. Aye.

So, if you hear of a turkey going spare -

So, if you hear of a turkey going spare -

or a goose, or a pigeon, actually -

or a goose, or a pigeon, actually -

would you just let me know?

would you just let me know?

You're entering a team into the Christmas Eve darts, aren't you?

You're entering a team into the Christmas Eve darts, aren't you?

Well, I'm not a bad shot, but...

The prize is a turkey. What?

The prize is a turkey. What?

Audrey might not have heard.

Audrey might not have heard.

How on earth did you find a turkey?

How on earth did you find a turkey?

There's a lot of drunken farmers in this pub

There's a lot of drunken farmers in this pub

agreeing to things that they later regret.

agreeing to things that they later regret.

Right, well, I'll tell Mrs H.

We've got Charlotte coming to us for Christmas.

You can't serve murkey to a Beauvoir.

You can't serve murkey to a Beauvoir.

You bringing her on Christmas Eve, or are we not fancy enough for you?

You bringing her on Christmas Eve, or are we not fancy enough for you?

Your spit and sawdust is of the highest quality, Maggie,

Your spit and sawdust is of the highest quality, Maggie,

but still...

but still...

You're meant to be demob-happy. You can't not come.

You're meant to be demob-happy. You can't not come.

It'll be a lively one with so many back home.

I'll be raising a glass to Arthur.

I'll be raising a glass to Arthur.

He loved it, he did, Christmas.

He loved it, he did, Christmas.

I had to drag him out of here last time,

I had to drag him out of here last time,

still singing, all the way home.

Well, that was Arthur.

Which is why we're gonna have the biggest tree

Which is why we're gonna have the biggest tree

with the brightest lights... MAN:Ta, Maggie.

with the brightest lights... MAN:Ta, Maggie.

..and no-one telling us to cover the windows up.

..and no-one telling us to cover the windows up.

Mm. Quite so.

When are you dropping the tree off, by the way?

When are you dropping the tree off, by the way?

Sorry?

You said you'd pick one up for me, didn't you?

You said you'd pick one up for me, didn't you?

With me being run ragged between here and little Albert.

With me being run ragged between here and little Albert.

You've not forgotten? I want a decent one!

You've not forgotten? I want a decent one!

HE SCOFFS

Maggie, I'm not one of your drunken farmers.

Maggie, I'm not one of your drunken farmers.

HE SPLUTTERS

How could I possibly have forgotten?

BELL JANGLES

Easy, Hilda. Easy. Easy!

Easy, Hilda. Easy. Easy!

See, that's why I put the brandy in.

HILDA BLEATS She doesn't fight then.

HILDA BLEATS She doesn't fight then.

Hilda...

Hilda... HE STRAINS

Oh! SHE SIGHS

Oh! SHE SIGHS

Hilda! Don't just stand there.

Hilda! Don't just stand there.

Let's not be silly about this. HILDA BLEATS

Let's not be silly about this. HILDA BLEATS

Hilda! HE EXHALES

Hilda! HE EXHALES

Come on.

HILDA BLEATS

Yes, I know. I know he's making a palaver of it.

Yes, I know. I know he's making a palaver of it.

Hilda! Don't you dare! Oh, heck.

Hilda! Don't you dare! Oh, heck.

Blimey. Hilda!

Come back, Hilda! HILDA BLEATS

Come back, Hilda! HILDA BLEATS

Oh, stop fussing. I'm all right. You're not all right.

Oh, stop fussing. I'm all right. You're not all right.

You're burning up.

You're burning up.

Oh, James. I feel like a wrung-out dishcloth.

Oh, James. I feel like a wrung-out dishcloth.

I've not iced Jimmy's cake yet, there's Christmas wrapping still,

I've not iced Jimmy's cake yet, there's Christmas wrapping still,

and a list at Heston, with Dad being in London.

Aye, aye. But I know what you'll do.

Aye, aye. But I know what you'll do.

You'll get back into that bed...

..leave all this... to your very capable husband.

..leave all this... to your very capable husband.

..leave all this... to your very capable husband.

What? Hop it!

What? Hop it!

Right, one last pin.

Jimmy! Jimmy! Change of plan.

Jimmy! Jimmy! Change of plan.

You finish the Nativity crowns, I'll wrap these.Wilco.

You finish the Nativity crowns, I'll wrap these.Wilco.

Oh, James. Mrs Pumphrey phoned.

She's on her way in to see you.

No... I... HE GROANS

No... I... HE GROANS

You know, what you should do...

You know, what you should do...

..is get yourself a nice young lady.

..is get yourself a nice young lady.

My thoughts always turn to romance at times like this (!)

My thoughts always turn to romance at times like this (!)

I mean, you've still got your looks.

I mean, you've still got your looks.

Probably for not much longer, mind, but...

Probably for not much longer, mind, but...

Thank you, Mrs Stokes.

Now, that'll do it. OK.

That's it. Ah.

That's it. Ah.

That should do it, as I say. Any change, just let me know.

That should do it, as I say. Any change, just let me know.

Aye, will do.

"Gather ye rose-buds while ye may," Mr Farnon.

"Gather ye rose-buds while ye may," Mr Farnon.

Robert Herrick, yes. Aye.

"And while ye may, go marry,

"And while ye may, go marry,

"for having once but lost your prime,

"for having once but lost your prime,

"you may forever tarry."

Quite. Any chance of a cup of tea before I go?

Quite. Any chance of a cup of tea before I go?

Quite. Any chance of a cup of tea before I go?

SHE SIGHS Given it all to the goat.

SHE SIGHS Given it all to the goat.

HE EXHALES, HILDA BLEATS

HE EXHALES, HILDA BLEATS

HILDA FARTS

HILDA FARTS

Merry bloody Christmas to you too.

Merry bloody Christmas to you too.

Imagine if we won it.

Imagine if we won it.

Proper Christmas... with a proper turkey.

Proper Christmas... with a proper turkey.

Mm. It's teams of three, Mrs H.

Mm. It's teams of three, Mrs H.

You may need to whip the rest of us into shape.

You may need to whip the rest of us into shape.

Right, the board's coming out. Let's get practising. Pass me that.

Right, the board's coming out. Let's get practising. Pass me that.

Right, the board's coming out. Let's get practising. Pass me that.

Also, do you know the best place to buy a Christmas tree?

Also, do you know the best place to buy a Christmas tree?

Well, there could be a couple left on the Square. Why?

Well, there could be a couple left on the Square. Why?

Oh, some drunken idiot was supposed to get one for The Drovers,

Oh, some drunken idiot was supposed to get one for The Drovers,

and... he forgot.

Oh, Tristan.

Oh, Tristan.

What about darts? I'll be as quick as I humanly can.

What about darts? I'll be as quick as I humanly can.

If we lose... you're getting the parsnip leg!

If we lose... you're getting the parsnip leg!

Oh, my goodness!

WOMAN:Hello, Audrey! Well, I never. Come in, come in.

WOMAN:Hello, Audrey! Well, I never. Come in, come in.

It's so very disappointing.

It's so very disappointing.

The last little Pekingese in Keighley was really rather sweet.

The last little Pekingese in Keighley was really rather sweet.

The last little Pekingese in Keighley was really rather sweet.

They would have made such handsome puppies.

They would have made such handsome puppies.

I'm sorry you haven't had better news.

Is there really nothing more you can do to boost his chances?

Is there really nothing more you can do to boost his chances?

Is there really nothing more you can do to boost his chances?

He's long since had all his checks.

Mr Bolton said that he'd heard of some injections.

Mr Bolton said that he'd heard of some injections.

Mr Bolton said that he'd heard of some injections.

Testosterone. Yes. So, why haven't we tried them?

Testosterone. Yes. So, why haven't we tried them?

Because there can be side effects, unpleasant ones.

Because there can be side effects, unpleasant ones.

Tricki's given so much.

He's had such a life.

He's had such a life.

I can't abide the thought that one day he may be gone,

I can't abide the thought that one day he may be gone,

with nothing to show that he was ever here.

with nothing to show that he was ever here.

I'd never forgive myself

if we hadn't explored every available option.

if we hadn't explored every available option.

If it's what you want, Mrs Pumphrey...

..I could book him in for tomorrow.

Thank you. Tricki and I can't thank you enough.

Thank you. Tricki and I can't thank you enough.

Blasted goat's been at my tie.

I don't even know when that happened.

Mrs Stokes prattling on like I'm some misanthropic misfit

Mrs Stokes prattling on like I'm some misanthropic misfit

who'd be lucky to strike up a dalliance with a bloody donkey!

who'd be lucky to strike up a dalliance with a bloody donkey!

Dorothy. Hello, Siegfried.

Dorothy. Hello, Siegfried.

You're not in Malta. Not as far as I can tell.

You're not in Malta. Not as far as I can tell.

I'm making tea, do you want one? I made tea for the goat.

I'm making tea, do you want one? I made tea for the goat.

An absolutely enormous cup.

She was geriatric, otherwise, I'd have preferred

She was geriatric, otherwise, I'd have preferred

to have extracted the entire ruminal contents.

to have extracted the entire ruminal contents.

That's what I've missed about this place, the small talk.

That's what I've missed about this place, the small talk.

Anyway... I-I better get on. Dorothy.

Anyway... I-I better get on. Dorothy.

Anyway... I-I better get on. Dorothy.

Siegfried.

DOROTHY CHUCKLES

It's a donkey. Is it a donkey?!

It's a donkey. Is it a donkey?!

I'll find the doggy one. Rosie.

Come on, Rosie. Rosie? Shall we put your costume on?

Come on, Rosie. Rosie? Shall we put your costume on?

Are you excited? Uh-huh!

I like it!

Can't find the armholes. You've got a crown.

Can't find the armholes. You've got a crown.

Take the hat off, and put your costume on.

Take the hat off, and put your costume on.

I've found the doggy thing. There we go.

I've found the doggy thing. There we go.

Not in there. Tilly, come on. Come on, Tilly.

Not in there. Tilly, come on. Come on, Tilly.

Not in there. Tilly, come on. Come on, Tilly.

Can you do this, Susan? I can't do this. OK.

Can you do this, Susan? I can't do this. OK.

Anybody need any help? We need to sort that out.

Anybody need any help? We need to sort that out.

Get ready, Mr Herriot'll be here in a minute.

Get ready, Mr Herriot'll be here in a minute.

Jimmy, where are your wings?

All of these... All of these are in a bow.

I still need to get mine on. Hello, everybody, are you ready?

I still need to get mine on. Hello, everybody, are you ready?

Oh, you look great.

Well done, well done.

Well done, well done.

Mrs H is gonna wonder where all her tea towels have gone.

Mrs H is gonna wonder where all her tea towels have gone.

Now, this is a dress rehearsal,

which means it's exactly the same as we do it in the Square tomorrow.

which means it's exactly the same as we do it in the Square tomorrow.

Mr Herriot? Yes.

Can I have a sword?

Shepherds didn't really have swords. Erm... but what about the wolves?

Shepherds didn't really have swords. Erm... but what about the wolves?

Shepherds didn't really have swords. Erm... but what about the wolves?

Sure, you can have one. Yesssss.

Sure, you can have one. Yesssss.

Erm, all right, baby Jesus. Baby Jesus...

Erm, all right, baby Jesus. Baby Jesus...

Oh!

Right, Bobby, can you put baby Jesus's head back on for me please?

Right, Bobby, can you put baby Jesus's head back on for me please?

Er, Mabel...

Er, Mabel...

Why's Mabel got a rabbit? He's got a sore eye.

Why's Mabel got a rabbit? He's got a sore eye.

Mum says she wants you to look at him.

Mum says she wants you to look at him.

All right. All right. We all set?

All right. All right. We all set?

All right. All right. We all set?

Er, Bobby, can you give baby Jesus to your sister?

Er, Bobby, can you give baby Jesus to your sister?

Erm, right, ready? BOBBY SNEEZES

Erm, right, ready? BOBBY SNEEZES

I hope you're not coming down with that cold, Bobby.

I hope you're not coming down with that cold, Bobby.

Are we all set? Yes. Yes.

Are we all set? Yes. Yes.

Jimmy, go.

Mary, I am the angel Gabriel,

Mary, I am the angel Gabriel,

and I bring great tidings from Hebden.

and I bring great tidings from Hebden.

Heaven, Jimmy. Heaven.

Heaven, Jimmy. Heaven.

Mary, I am the angel Gabriel,

Mary, I am the angel Gabriel,

and I bring great tidings from Heaven.

and I bring great tidings from Heaven.

Thank you.

Good God, man, how long is this likely to take?

Good God, man, how long is this likely to take?

Lucy, Susan, hand out the scripts. Thank you.

Lucy, Susan, hand out the scripts. Thank you.

There's still a bit of work to do. I am trying to concentrate in there.

There's still a bit of work to do. I am trying to concentrate in there.

Well, you'll have to manage. Look, I'm run ragged here.

Well, you'll have to manage. Look, I'm run ragged here.

And I've got Mrs Pumphrey on my back

asking for hormone injections for Tricki.

Well, you've warned her about possible side effects, I hope?

Well, you've warned her about possible side effects, I hope?

Muscle problems, hair loss, aggressive behaviour,

Muscle problems, hair loss, aggressive behaviour,

and there's no guarantee it will work.

She knows it's the last resort,

but if we don't try, it amounts to giving up.

but if we don't try, it amounts to giving up.

The dog is old. Giving up is the only sensible approach.

The dog is old. Giving up is the only sensible approach.

Aye. but you can imagine how she'll take that!

Aye. but you can imagine how she'll take that!

Dad, the Virgin Mary needs the toilet.

Dad, the Virgin Mary needs the toilet.

Dad, the Virgin Mary needs the toilet.

Pus-y eye.

I'll do the eye drops, then, shall I?

Well...

Right.

Yes, I'm off to Sunderland after Christmas to see them all.

Yes, I'm off to Sunderland after Christmas to see them all.

Been the making of Edward, being a dad.

Been the making of Edward, being a dad.

What about your Harry? Is he all right?

What about your Harry? Is he all right?

Oh, yes! Demobbed a few months ago.

Oh, yes! Demobbed a few months ago.

He wanted to move back to Yorkshire,

He wanted to move back to Yorkshire,

and it was probably time for me as well.

I followed all the news from Malta.

I followed all the news from Malta.

They say it was the most heavily bombed place in the war

They say it was the most heavily bombed place in the war

for those two years.

No way out, even if I wanted to go.

I thought you might come back after it were liberated.

I thought you might come back after it were liberated.

It seemed like giving up.

And there were still good times to be had, if you knew where to look.

And there were still good times to be had, if you knew where to look.

Well, you always know where to look. DOROTHY CHUCKLES

Well, you always know where to look. DOROTHY CHUCKLES

Anyway, it's in the past now.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

And I'd say someone else is an' all.

And I'd say someone else is an' all.

You think? He couldn't get away quick enough.

You think? He couldn't get away quick enough.

MRS HALL LAUGHS You'll have to make some allowances.

MRS HALL LAUGHS You'll have to make some allowances.

He's been on his own a lot the last few years.

I can tell. He's learnt to make tea! MRS HALL LAUGHS

I can tell. He's learnt to make tea! MRS HALL LAUGHS

There's a good heart in there somewhere.

There's a good heart in there somewhere.

Tries his best to keep it hidden is all.

Tries his best to keep it hidden is all.

SIEGFRIED SHUSHING

SIEGFRIED SHUSHING

Come on, you're up for darts practice.

Come on, you're up for darts practice.

I'm actually quite busy. Er, there's a turkey at stake.

I'm actually quite busy. Er, there's a turkey at stake.

I'm only thinking of you. Is Dorothy still here?

I'm only thinking of you. Is Dorothy still here?

No, don't worry, you've not missed her.

No, don't worry, you've not missed her.

Has it perhaps slipped your mind how she and I parted?

Has it perhaps slipped your mind how she and I parted?

No.

Nor has it slipped my mind how well you used to get on.

Nor has it slipped my mind how well you used to get on.

I'm sure this little chap's good company... but still...

I'm sure this little chap's good company... but still...

DISTANT CHILDREN SINGING

DISTANT CHILDREN SINGING

Ooh, I must have a cuddle. What?

Ooh, I must have a cuddle. What?

He's lovely.

Oh, erm, be careful with the eye, there may be some pus. Ooh!

Oh, erm, be careful with the eye, there may be some pus. Ooh!

Oh, erm, be careful with the eye, there may be some pus. Ooh!

Right, we're entering a team at The Drovers.

Right, we're entering a team at The Drovers.

The prize is a turkey.

The prize is a turkey.

I might be a little rusty. It's been some time.

I might be a little rusty. It's been some time.

Oh! You seem a bit tense.

Oh! You seem a bit tense.

TENSELY:I'm not in the least tense.

Look at you. You're knotted up like a sailor's hankie.

Look at you. You're knotted up like a sailor's hankie.

Like this. Light but firm.

Like this. Light but firm.

Right foot forward.

Eye on the target.

I'm not the target, am I? Don't think about it too much.

I'm not the target, am I? Don't think about it too much.

I'm not the target, am I? Don't think about it too much.

Yes! Very impressive, Siegfried.

Yes! Very impressive, Siegfried.

I'll take the bunny to the shed. No, no, I'll do it.

I'll take the bunny to the shed. No, no, I'll do it.

Excuse me.

Right.

Here you are. DOROTHY CHUCKLES

Here you are. DOROTHY CHUCKLES

Audrey thought he might want this.

Audrey thought he might want this.

How thoughtful of her.

Do you mind me calling in?

Why would I mind?

I've taken a little place in Broughton, you see.

I've taken a little place in Broughton, you see.

I thought I might be round from time to time.

I thought I might be round from time to time.

Oh, of course.

Mrs Hall will be delighted.

She was quite concerned for a while, when there was no news.

She was quite concerned for a while, when there was no news.

Yes. I'm sorry about that. I'm surprised you came back.

Yes. I'm sorry about that. I'm surprised you came back.

Yes. I'm sorry about that. I'm surprised you came back.

There was never really much here for you.

There was never really much here for you.

Don't know if that's true.

Don't know if that's true.

Why don't you come back in for a cuppa?

We've got so much to catch up on. I can't, I'm afraid.

We've got so much to catch up on. I can't, I'm afraid.

I have to mend a barn door for Mrs Stokes.

I have to mend a barn door for Mrs Stokes.

Right.

I should get going myself, really.

I should get going myself, really.

Perhaps you could drop me off?

Perhaps you could drop me off?

Oh, well, er, I need to be up at the farm

Oh, well, er, I need to be up at the farm

before it starts to get dark.

We could go there first, if you like.

We could go there first, if you like.

It's very muddy. I'm not sure your shoes would...

It's very muddy. I'm not sure your shoes would...

Siegfried, I've had bombs dropped on me.

Siegfried, I've had bombs dropped on me.

I'm not worried about a bit of mud.

Hello, Mrs Stokes.

It's only me. Oh, you're not back again, are you?

It's only me. Oh, you're not back again, are you?

I thought I'd take a look at this door for you.

I thought I'd take a look at this door for you.

We don't want any more escapes, do we? Oh.

We don't want any more escapes, do we? Oh.

'Ey, as long it's not going on my bill.

'Ey, as long it's not going on my bill.

'Ey, especially if it takes two of you.

'Ey, especially if it takes two of you.

Oh, no, this is my... this is Dorothy.

Oh, no, this is my... this is Dorothy.

Hmm! Hello, Mrs Stokes.

Hmm! Hello, Mrs Stokes.

I'm just tagging along. Oh, isn't she beautiful?

I'm just tagging along. Oh, isn't she beautiful?

'Ey, don't let her fool you.

'Ey, don't let her fool you.

She's a right temper on her, and she's stubborn as owt.

She's a right temper on her, and she's stubborn as owt.

How is she since the drench?

Well, she's still off her food. It's to be expected.

Well, she's still off her food. It's to be expected.

Keep a close eye on her.

How much closer do you want me to get?

How much closer do you want me to get?

DOROTHY CHUCKLES

'Ey, let's me and you go for a brew and a chat while he huffs and puffs.

'Ey, let's me and you go for a brew and a chat while he huffs and puffs.

Yes, please. I thought there was no more tea.

Yes, please. I thought there was no more tea.

HILDA BLEATS

And you can keep your opinions to yourself too.

And you can keep your opinions to yourself too.

HILDA FARTS

Sorry, sorry, I was held up. Not to worry.

Sorry, sorry, I was held up. Not to worry.

I was just admiring your baubles. Oh, thank you.

I was just admiring your baubles. Oh, thank you.

You know, I think it's going to be raucous in The Drovers.

You know, I think it's going to be raucous in The Drovers.

If you'd prefer we just had a quiet drink in the Manor, I'd understand.

If you'd prefer we just had a quiet drink in the Manor, I'd understand.

They're calling this the happiest Christmas ever,

They're calling this the happiest Christmas ever,

and you want to spend it with Philbrick and me?

Your horse, yes. I don't mind what you do.

Your horse, yes. I don't mind what you do.

Mrs Hall's told me about the darts,

and she's signed you up for the team.

Ah, yes. Of course.

I've never known you reluctant to go to The Drovers before.

I've never known you reluctant to go to The Drovers before.

HE EXHALES I was supposed to get a tree.

HE EXHALES I was supposed to get a tree.

The one everyone's meant to be looking at

when they turn the Christmas lights on. Right.

when they turn the Christmas lights on. Right.

There's not a decent one left in Darrowby.

I've been all over. It is December the 23rd.

I've been all over. It is December the 23rd.

My name is going to be mud.

My name is going to be mud.

Have you thought about the Christmas tree farm?

Have you thought about the Christmas tree farm?

Just a guess, but I think they might have Christmas trees.

Just a guess, but I think they might have Christmas trees.

You see, this is what having an expensive education does for you.

You see, this is what having an expensive education does for you.

You see, this is what having an expensive education does for you.

So you'll be able to show your face on Christmas Eve after all. Ah.

So you'll be able to show your face on Christmas Eve after all. Ah.

Oh. Leeds City Varieties, that one.

Oh. Leeds City Varieties, that one.

DOROTHY GASPS They loved me.

I can tell that's you. Mm.

You didn't say we were visiting a star!

You didn't say we were visiting a star!

Were you on the stage?

"Lavinia Lavinshaw".

Yeah, Lavinshaw, that were me maiden name.

Yeah, Lavinshaw, that were me maiden name.

Siegfried, how long have you been coming here?

And you've only just found out. These are marvellous.

And you've only just found out. These are marvellous.

You must have had a right old time. Oh, aye.

You must have had a right old time. Oh, aye.

All over the country, all the great halls.

All over the country, all the great halls.

I used to do a few bawdy ones.

I used to do a few bawdy ones.

Oh, they loved me, they did.

Oh, they loved me, they did.

I knew you weren't a born farmer.

I knew you weren't a born farmer.

Ah, well...

..I met him, didn't I?

Swept off me feet by Victor Stokes.

Swept off me feet by Victor Stokes.

I mean he weren't fancy, but by God, he were handsome.

I mean he weren't fancy, but by God, he were handsome.

I mean he weren't fancy, but by God, he were handsome.

I'd have followed him to the ends of the Earth.

I'd have followed him to the ends of the Earth.

Well, I did, didn't I? THEY LAUGH

Well, I did, didn't I? THEY LAUGH

That's sweet. But you stopped singing?

That's sweet. But you stopped singing?

Yeah, well, my heart never stopped singing.

Yeah, well, my heart never stopped singing.

All done out there. Should keep Hilda safe for a while.

All done out there. Should keep Hilda safe for a while.

Ah, well, if not, I shall be holding you responsible.

Ah, well, if not, I shall be holding you responsible.

I wouldn't have it any other way. MRS STOKES CHUCKLES

I wouldn't have it any other way. MRS STOKES CHUCKLES

We'd better be off.

Lovely meeting you. Aye.

Lovely meeting you. Aye.

Hey, that's a good 'un. You keep hold of her.

Hey, that's a good 'un. You keep hold of her.

Hey, that's a good 'un. You keep hold of her.

BAAING

BAAING

After you.

It was kind of you to do that for Mrs Stokes.

It was kind of you to do that for Mrs Stokes.

Pure self-interest.

Saves me having to traipse up here

every time the goat gets a bellyful of something she shouldn't.

every time the goat gets a bellyful of something she shouldn't.

It's like Audrey says, you've got a good heart in there.

It's like Audrey says, you've got a good heart in there.

She said that?

It's incredible, you know.

It's incredible, you know.

I came from a place that was changed beyond all recognition.

I came from a place that was changed beyond all recognition.

This place, everything's the same as when I left.

This place, everything's the same as when I left.

This place, everything's the same as when I left.

Some things have changed.

Perhaps not things one can easily see.

Perhaps not things one can easily see.

Seems rather quiet.

"Closed due to illness"!

That is inconvenient. Oh, it's Christmas Eve!

That is inconvenient. Oh, it's Christmas Eve!

Come on, then.

DOOR CLOSES

Your dedication is impressive, Mrs Hall.

Your dedication is impressive, Mrs Hall.

Well, this is our first Christmas back together in a long while.

Well, this is our first Christmas back together in a long while.

If this is what it takes to do it right...

If this is what it takes to do it right...

I shall make sure I put some practice in before tonight.

I shall make sure I put some practice in before tonight.

Is Dorothy coming down? Oh, I shouldn't think so.

Is Dorothy coming down? Oh, I shouldn't think so.

You did invite her, though?

You did invite her, though?

Outer bull. I'm not sure I can match that.

Outer bull. I'm not sure I can match that.

Which is why I thought it'd come in handy if she were there.

Which is why I thought it'd come in handy if she were there.

She seemed to have a good idea of where you were going wrong.

She seemed to have a good idea of where you were going wrong.

I'm quite sure I shall be able to manage by myself.

I'm quite sure I shall be able to manage by myself.

Or you might just stab yourself straight in the foot.

Or you might just stab yourself straight in the foot.

What? I just think she's much better suited to you

What? I just think she's much better suited to you

than some of the other ladies... Frankly...

than some of the other ladies... Frankly...

..the type that throw shoes at me.

Once. That happened once.

And I can't see why you're not cock-a-hoop.

It's possibly because I like Plato's idea.

It's possibly because I like Plato's idea.

It's possibly because I like Plato's idea.

Oh, of course it is (!)

Well, I say Plato, he credits it to Aristophanes.

Well, I say Plato, he credits it to Aristophanes.

Yes, never mind that now.

Yes, never mind that now.

He believed that we all have our souls...

He believed that we all have our souls...

He believed that we all have our souls...

..split into two.

And we spend our lives trying to find our other half.

And we spend our lives trying to find our other half.

Even if one half dies...

Even if one half dies...

we go off trying to find another that matches.

we go off trying to find another that matches.

And he says that once we've found our other half,

And he says that once we've found our other half,

And he says that once we've found our other half,

we don't want to be separated again...

..not even for a moment.

I suppose I want that.

You don't want much, do you (?) THEY CHUCKLE

You don't want much, do you (?) THEY CHUCKLE

I don't know about your Plato... Sorry, Aristophanes.

I don't know about your Plato... Sorry, Aristophanes.

I don't know about your Plato... Sorry, Aristophanes.

..what if you spend your whole life

..what if you spend your whole life

..what if you spend your whole life

looking for something that doesn't exist...

looking for something that doesn't exist...

..and miss what's right under your nose?

..and miss what's right under your nose?

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

I'll get that.

RINGING CONTINUES

Darrowby two-two-nine-seven.

Mrs Stokes. 'It's Hilda. She's worsened.'

Mrs Stokes. 'It's Hilda. She's worsened.'

Worsened how? 'Well, she just can't stand up.'

Worsened how? 'Well, she just can't stand up.'

I'll be right there.

I knew I had one in the boot. Bone saw.

I knew I had one in the boot. Bone saw.

Looks like it's seen better days.

Oh, when I tell you the things this has sawn through...

Oh, when I tell you the things this has sawn through...

I'd rather not know, thank you. OK.

I'd rather not know, thank you. OK.

It's really rather lovely with no-one around.

It's really rather lovely with no-one around.

Yes, I must come and carry out an illegal activity every year.

Yes, I must come and carry out an illegal activity every year.

Ah, right.

Ah, right.

# On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# A night in police custody. # SHE LAUGHS

# A night in police custody. # SHE LAUGHS

We'll leave money for the tree. It's only a little bit illegal. Mm.

We'll leave money for the tree. It's only a little bit illegal. Mm.

HE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

That looks quite hard. It's like Christmas.

That looks quite hard. It's like Christmas.

Just something you have to get through.

Just something you have to get through.

Thank goodness it's the one time of the year

where it's socially acceptable to start drinking at breakfast.

where it's socially acceptable to start drinking at breakfast.

Ah, there.

That's at least a hundredth of an inch.

Right. Here we go.

Jimmy.

That belongs to the three kings. I was just showing your mum.

That belongs to the three kings. I was just showing your mum.

Bobby Ainsley's mum said to give you this.

Bobby Ainsley's mum said to give you this.

Right. Thanks, Jimmy. They're all poorly, Dad.

Right. Thanks, Jimmy. They're all poorly, Dad.

Rosie, you're one of the kings. You'll need a crown.

Rosie, you're one of the kings. You'll need a crown.

TRICKI PANTS

Sorry, Mrs Pumphrey.

Helen's not well. I've got my hands full.

I heard from Mrs Argyll that you were doing the Nativity this year.

I heard from Mrs Argyll that you were doing the Nativity this year.

Aye... but I'm gonna have to cancel it.

Aye... but I'm gonna have to cancel it.

The Ainsley kids are all down with the bug.

I've lost an angel, two kings and a shepherd already.

I've lost an angel, two kings and a shepherd already.

Jimmy and Rosie will be so disappointed.

Jimmy and Rosie will be so disappointed.

Do the show here.

Do the show here.

The children will be happy as long as their families see it.

The children will be happy as long as their families see it.

It's a good idea. Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey.

It's a good idea. Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey.

It'll be more than good because you're a wonderful father.

It'll be more than good because you're a wonderful father.

I only hope Tricki will follow your lead when it comes to his turn.

I only hope Tricki will follow your lead when it comes to his turn.

I only hope Tricki will follow your lead when it comes to his turn.

Now, this won't sting too much?

Now, this won't sting too much?

I don't want him being in a sulk with me over Christmas.

I don't want him being in a sulk with me over Christmas.

WHISPERS:He can be a terrible sulk.

WHISPERS:He can be a terrible sulk.

Actually, Mrs Pumphrey... I don't think it's a good idea.

Actually, Mrs Pumphrey... I don't think it's a good idea.

Actually, Mrs Pumphrey... I don't think it's a good idea.

Oh.

Er, no, well, then perhaps we should wait for the New Year.

Er, no, well, then perhaps we should wait for the New Year.

No, I mean, it's not a good idea, full stop.

No, I mean, it's not a good idea, full stop.

I don't want to give Tricki the injections.

I don't want to give Tricki the injections.

The side effects, they can be drastic.

And not just physically -

it could change his personality completely.

it could change his personality completely.

At his age, there's probably nothing that will make a difference,

At his age, there's probably nothing that will make a difference,

so surely, it's better to enjoy the time he's got.

so surely, it's better to enjoy the time he's got.

I'm sorry. I know how much you were hoping.

I'm sorry. I know how much you were hoping.

Not at all. You've been entirely professional.

Not at all. You've been entirely professional.

SHE SNIFFS

And you've said what you believe to be true.

And you've said what you believe to be true.

I can't ask for more.

Almost there. Almost.

Almost there. Almost.

Oh, don't you dare. What happened?

Oh, don't you dare. What happened?

It's stuck.

STRAINING: God, it won't bloody move!

STRAINING: God, it won't bloody move!

We'll just have to explain to Maggie.

I don't even know why I got involved.

I don't want to go to the bloody pub tonight.

I don't want to go to the bloody pub tonight.

God!

I knew something was wrong. What?

I knew something was wrong. What?

I'm fine. Of course you are. It's Christmas.

I'm fine. Of course you are. It's Christmas.

Everyone's happy at Christmas, except all of those who aren't.

Everyone's happy at Christmas, except all of those who aren't.

I haven't had a happy Christmas

since the year we celebrated in November.

Why November?

We didn't think Mother would see December.

We didn't think Mother would see December.

Oh... Oh, Charlotte...

Oh... Oh, Charlotte...

I'm very good at not showing it. I don't suppose I'm the only one.

I'm very good at not showing it. I don't suppose I'm the only one.

I'm very good at not showing it. I don't suppose I'm the only one.

What is it?

This is supposed to be "the happiest Christmas ever".

This is supposed to be "the happiest Christmas ever".

So we're meant to just forget that Arthur never came home

So we're meant to just forget that Arthur never came home

from the Japanese prisoner-of-war camp, or the men we lost?

from the Japanese prisoner-of-war camp, or the men we lost?

I'm meant to just forget the things I saw?

I'm meant to just forget the things I saw?

We won't go tonight, not if you don't want to.

It's not just about tonight. I know.

It's not just about tonight. I know.

I know so well, but it'll be over in a few days,

I know so well, but it'll be over in a few days,

and then we don't have to think about it for another year.

and then we don't have to think about it for another year.

But these are things I think about all the time.

But these are things I think about all the time.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to stop.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to stop.

HE SIGHS

KNOCKS

KNOCKS

Mr Farnon, I brought her in to keep warm.

Mr Farnon, I brought her in to keep warm.

She's been vomiting an' all. She can't seem to stand up.

She's been vomiting an' all. She can't seem to stand up.

She's been vomiting an' all. She can't seem to stand up.

She's shivering. HILDA PANTS

She's shivering. HILDA PANTS

Laboured breathing. This is toxicosis.

Laboured breathing. This is toxicosis.

Laboured breathing. This is toxicosis.

You said the drench would get rid. It should have done, yes.

You said the drench would get rid. It should have done, yes.

It's possible she may have eaten more than we thought.

It's possible she may have eaten more than we thought.

I'll have to do the rumenotomy after all.

But you said, with her being so old...

We still may be in time.

We'll know as soon as we've see the contents.

We'll know as soon as we've see the contents.

I have to get some things from the car.

She'll be fine. VOICE BREAKING:Won't you, Hilda?

She'll be fine. VOICE BREAKING:Won't you, Hilda?

FINGERS SNAPPING Come on, lad.

FINGERS SNAPPING Come on, lad.

Leave it, come on.

Good lad.

SNORING

SNORING

I'm so sorry.

It seems Hilda has eaten more than I thought.

It seems Hilda has eaten more than I thought.

A great deal more.

Well, never, I saw the wreath myself.

Well, never, I saw the wreath myself.

The offcuts. She's been into the sack.

The offcuts. She's been into the sack.

Who knows how much she got through before you caught up with her.

Who knows how much she got through before you caught up with her.

There's no point going ahead with the surgery.

What are you on about?

In those quantities,

the laurel will be absorbed into the blood by now.

the laurel will be absorbed into the blood by now.

I'm afraid it's too late.

Well, what'll you do?

There's no sense

in putting her through any more suffering than necessary.

in putting her through any more suffering than necessary.

And I'm afraid she is suffering. She can't stand up.

And I'm afraid she is suffering. She can't stand up.

She has tremors. She must be in considerable pain.

She has tremors. She must be in considerable pain.

You can help her, though, Mr Farnon? You can help her get better.

You can help her, though, Mr Farnon? You can help her get better.

Please believe me,

if there was anything I could do for her, I would.

if there was anything I could do for her, I would.

The kindest thing now is to let her go.

The kindest thing now is to let her go.

Oh, you don't need to dash off. Can I get you some tea?

Oh, you don't need to dash off. Can I get you some tea?

Dad, can I have a sword like the shepherds?

Dad, can I have a sword like the shepherds?

Jimmy, I'm just talking right now. Can we go to the Square soon?

Jimmy, I'm just talking right now. Can we go to the Square soon?

A change of plan.

I was thinking we might do the show here instead. Just us.

I was thinking we might do the show here instead. Just us.

That's even better! Then all the animals can be in it!

That's even better! Then all the animals can be in it!

That's even better! Then all the animals can be in it!

Hello, Mrs Pumphrey. Hello!

Hello, Mrs Pumphrey. Hello!

I'm an angel from Hebden.

I'm an angel from Hebden.

Where all angels come from.

Where all angels come from.

THEY LAUGH

Did I hear you were in charge one year?

Oh, yes. 1936. Legendary.

Oh, yes. 1936. Legendary.

All over in ten minutes, record time.

All over in ten minutes, record time.

I'm sorry to ask, but I need to run round all the other parents,

I'm sorry to ask, but I need to run round all the other parents,

and... well, you'd be doing me a huge favour.

and... well, you'd be doing me a huge favour.

I couldn't, not this time. It's a family occasion.

I couldn't, not this time. It's a family occasion.

I'm Tricki's uncle. That means these are his cousins.

I'm Tricki's uncle. That means these are his cousins.

Dad, can we get ready now?

Dad, can we get ready now?

Look at your hair.

You can't go on stage with your hair looking like that.

You can't go on stage with your hair looking like that.

You can't go on stage with your hair looking like that.

And, Rosie, hello, darling.

And, Rosie, hello, darling.

Ooh, look, you're going to trip over your dress.

Ooh, look, you're going to trip over your dress.

Come on, let's get you sorted out.

Come on, let's get you sorted out.

Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey. You know how it is.

Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey. You know how it is.

The show must go on.

It'll not hurt her, will it? She won't feel a thing.

It'll not hurt her, will it? She won't feel a thing.

MRS STOKES WHIMPERS

It'll only take a few moments once I give her the dose.

It'll only take a few moments once I give her the dose.

Hey... you've been a good girl.

Hey... you've been a good girl.

Hey... you've been a good girl.

You've been the very best girl.

You've been the very best girl.

HILDA BREATHES RAPIDLY

HILDA BREATHES RAPIDLY

I'll admit it, Hilda, you always got the better of me.

I'll admit it, Hilda, you always got the better of me.

I'll admit it, Hilda, you always got the better of me.

HILDA GRUNTS

HILDA GRUNTS

# Some lovers like the summertime

# Some lovers like the summertime

# When they can stroll about

# When they can stroll about

# Spooning in the meadow

# Spooning in the meadow

# May seem fine without a doubt

# May seem fine without a doubt

# But give to me the winter time

# But give to me the winter time

# For the girl that I made mine

# For the girl that I made mine

# For the girl that I made mine

# Was captured when the snow Lay on the ground

# Was captured when the snow Lay on the ground

# Was captured when the snow Lay on the ground

# I traced her little footmarks

# I traced her little footmarks

# In the snow

# In the snow

# I traced her little footmarks

# I traced her little footmarks

# In the snow

# I bless that winter's day

# I bless that winter's day

# When Nelly lost her way

# When Nelly lost her way

# And I traced her little footmarks

# And I traced her little footmarks

# And I traced her little footmarks

# In the snow. #

# In the snow. #

You know why we have Christmas trees, don't you?

You know why we have Christmas trees, don't you?

Er, something to do with Prince Albert?

Yes, but before him. Long before.

Yes, but before him. Long before.

When the druids were walking the hills round here.

When the druids were walking the hills round here.

I'm a bit behind on my druid history, to be honest.

I'm a bit behind on my druid history, to be honest.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's because the pine and the fir are evergreen.

It's because the pine and the fir are evergreen.

So...?

A reminder that even the longest, hardest winter will end

A reminder that even the longest, hardest winter will end

and spring will come.

HE CHUCKLES

HE CHUCKLES

Off to work we go! THEY LAUGH

Off to work we go! THEY LAUGH

SHE STRAINS

HE CHUCKLES

HE SIGHS I love you.

HE SIGHS I love you.

I love you.

Oh, hello, Rosie.

Tickets, please. Of course.

Tickets, please. Of course.

There we are. There we are.

Ooh, programmes!

Thank you! Thank you. Well done, Rosie.

Thank you! Thank you. Well done, Rosie.

Oh, Act 3 looks good. Yeah, I've heard wonderful things.

Oh, Act 3 looks good. Yeah, I've heard wonderful things.

Erm...

Tricki wants to know

why his uncle looks like the cat that got the cream.

why his uncle looks like the cat that got the cream.

THEY CHUCKLE

Hello! Mummy! Ooh!

Hello! Mummy! Ooh!

Mum! Oh, hello.

Mum! Oh, hello.

Hey, hey, I don't want you two getting my cold.

Hey, hey, I don't want you two getting my cold.

You two should be backstage! Come on!

It's Siegfried Farnon.

I realise it's short notice, but I...

I realise it's short notice, but I...

..I would very much like it if you would come tonight.

..I would very much like it if you would come tonight.

If it's not too late.

Of course. Yes, of course.

Of course. Yes, of course.

Everything all right? Hmm.

Come on. You're musical director. I'm what?

Come on. You're musical director. I'm what?

Just play summat Christmassy.

Just play summat Christmassy.

Gold. Thank you, Auntie Audrey.

Gold. Thank you, Auntie Audrey.

There's your frankincense, and your myrrh.

There's your frankincense, and your myrrh.

SIEGFRIED PLAYS PIANO

SIEGFRIED PLAYS PIANO

Welcome to the Skeldale House Nativity,

Welcome to the Skeldale House Nativity,

Christmas 1945.

Christmas 1945.

Ayyy. APPLAUSE

Ayyy. APPLAUSE

A play in three acts,

with set and costume courtesy of the Darrowby Dramatic Society.

with set and costume courtesy of the Darrowby Dramatic Society.

Please enjoy the show.

Once upon a time, long ago,

Once upon a time, long ago,

there was a lady called Mary, and a carpenter called Joseph.

there was a lady called Mary, and a carpenter called Joseph.

there was a lady called Mary, and a carpenter called Joseph.

ROSIE MUMBLES

ROSIE MUMBLES

Jimmy, curtains!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Oh, I like Joseph's understudy.

Oh, I like Joseph's understudy.

Mary was very surprised when, one day, an angel appeared to her.

Mary was very surprised when, one day, an angel appeared to her.

Mary, I bring to you good tidings from Hebden.

Mary, I bring to you good tidings from Hebden.

Mary, I bring to you good tidings from Hebden.

Thank you.

DASH WHINES

Do you want me to help? LAUGHTER

So Mary and Joseph needed a room for the night.

But the innkeeper said,

But the innkeeper said,

or rather, the innkeeper... squeaked...

or rather, the innkeeper... squeaked...

IN SQUEAKY VOICE:The inn is full.

You will have to sleep in the family guest room.

You will have to sleep in the family guest room.

TRICKI BARKS Tricki? Tri... Oh.

TRICKI BARKS Tricki? Tri... Oh.

LAUGHTER

It was cosy and warm in the family guest room,

It was cosy and warm in the family guest room,

where they were NOT surrounded by animals,

where they were NOT surrounded by animals,

and Mary gave birth to a boy.

But this was no ordinary boy. This was the baby Jesus.

But this was no ordinary boy. This was the baby Jesus.

But this was no ordinary boy. This was the baby Jesus.

A shepherd followed a star...

..and came to visit the baby Jesus.

..and came to visit the baby Jesus.

Come on, Jess.

LAUGHTER

And also came three... Sorry.

And also came three... Sorry.

..one king from the east bearing gifts.

..one king from the east bearing gifts.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Oh! LAUGHTER

GASPS

Oops!

And so, like the shepherds and the kings,

And so, like the shepherds and the kings,

let's hope that we too can search for love and find it...

let's hope that we too can search for love and find it...

..in whatever form it takes.

..in whatever form it takes.

WHISPERS: Take a bow!

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Bravo!

Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey. We couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey. We couldn't have done it without you.

Oh, it was the tonic we all needed.

Hear, hear. Absolutely.

Tricki is as much a part of this family as anyone.

Tricki is as much a part of this family as anyone.

And so are you.

You're quite the talented writer.

Perhaps you should write some stories about him.

Perhaps you should write some stories about him.

That's not baby Jesus!

That's not baby Jesus!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Oh, Tricki!

ON RADIO: 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas'

ON RADIO: 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas'

I was half thinking you'd forgotten. Oh, Maggie, would I ever?

I was half thinking you'd forgotten. Oh, Maggie, would I ever?

Hurry up. We can start now!

Hurry up. We can start now!

MRS HALL: Right, come on, everyone.

MRS HALL: Right, come on, everyone.

There's a proper dinner to be won. Here we go.

There's a proper dinner to be won. Here we go.

Oh, no. No, no.

It's Geordie Pickersgill. Who's Geordie Pickersgill?

It's Geordie Pickersgill. Who's Geordie Pickersgill?

He's only the best darts player in Darrowby. Come on.

He's only the best darts player in Darrowby. Come on.

SIEGFRIED: He doesn't look that good.

Evening, all.

GLASS CLINKS

GLASS CLINKS

All right, everybody. I think we're all here now.

All right, everybody. I think we're all here now.

All right, everybody. I think we're all here now.

And I'm sure you all know what you're playing for -

And I'm sure you all know what you're playing for -

a prize turkey!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

It's Around The Clock.

Each team have to hit one to 20 in order, and then the bullseye.

Each team have to hit one to 20 in order, and then the bullseye.

Each team have to hit one to 20 in order, and then the bullseye.

First one there wins. Oh, and no cheating, Tristan Farnon.

First one there wins. Oh, and no cheating, Tristan Farnon.

Damn, damn! Skeldale, you're up first.

Damn, damn! Skeldale, you're up first.

APPLAUSE

Yes! APPLAUSE

Oof, nearly. Close.

Oof, nearly. Close.

Yes! APPLAUSE

Yes! APPLAUSE

Well done, Uncle Siegfried!

Well done, Uncle Siegfried!

Pickersgill, you're up next. MAN:Come on, Pickers.

Pickersgill, you're up next. MAN:Come on, Pickers.

APPLAUSE

Please can I have a cuppa tea? You want a cup of tea? OK.

Please can I have a cuppa tea? You want a cup of tea? OK.

Please can I have a cuppa tea? You want a cup of tea? OK.

I want a cup of tea, and I'm hungry.

I want a cup of tea, and I'm hungry.

Ooh! What's this, then?

Ooh! What's this, then?

Ooh. Oh!

Ooh. Oh!

You know whose cake that is?

You know whose cake that is?

Yeah. Yeah, it's Jimmy's cake.

Yeah! In't your dad clever, eh?

Yeah! In't your dad clever, eh?

I think he can do that every year.

I think he can do that every year.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Here we go.

Go on, Tris!

TRISTAN BLOWS

TRISTAN BLOWS

GROANS

He only needs a 20 and then the bull to win.

He only needs a 20 and then the bull to win.

Surely not. Don't underestimate Pickersgill.

Surely not. Don't underestimate Pickersgill.

SHUSHING MAN:Go, Geordie.

CROWD: Ooh!

CROWD: Ooh!

I can't look.

CROWD: Ooh!

CHARLOTTE:He's missed! We've got a chance!

CHARLOTTE:He's missed! We've got a chance!

It's all down to you, Mrs H.

It's all down to you, Mrs H.

SIEGFRIED:Excuse me.

Dorothy.

I'm so glad you came. I'm glad you asked.

I'm so glad you came. I'm glad you asked.

I wasn't thinking yesterday. I meant to say I...

I wasn't thinking yesterday. I meant to say I...

I missed you. I missed you rather a lot.

I missed you. I missed you rather a lot.

TRISTAN:Nineteen! Yes!

TRISTAN:Nineteen! Yes!

THEY CHUCKLE

Do you remember what you told me? No?

Do you remember what you told me? No?

It's a parasite. Oh, God.

It's a parasite. Oh, God.

"Suffocates the life out of other plants".

Oh, no, I didn't, did I? Mm-hm.

TRISTAN:Twenty!

TRISTAN:Twenty!

MAGGIE:The bull.

The bull to win, Mrs H.

The bull to win, Mrs H.

The problem is, you never know when to stop talking.

The problem is, you never know when to stop talking.

The problem is, you never know when to stop talking.

CHEERING

CHEERING

TRISTAN:She's done it! She's jolly well done it!

TRISTAN:She's done it! She's jolly well done it!

Well done, Mrs Hall, how amazing!

Well done, Mrs Hall, how amazing!

Well done, Mrs Hall, how amazing!

Well done!

MAGGIE:Excuse me, coming through.

Team Skeldale are the winners! APPLAUSE

Team Skeldale are the winners! APPLAUSE

Congratulations, you get the winning prize!

Congratulations, you get the winning prize!

TURKEY GOBBLES

TURKEY GOBBLES

Is he ours? Really? I'm gonna call him Rudolph!

Is he ours? Really? I'm gonna call him Rudolph!

No, don't... don't give him a name. Hi, Rudolph.

No, don't... don't give him a name. Hi, Rudolph.

I'll look after you from now on.

I'll look after you from now on.

Erm, Maggie, it's still breathing.

Erm, Maggie, it's still breathing.

Best way of keeping it fresh.

Best way of keeping it fresh.

LAUGHTER

Come on, through here!

Everybody in.

You've probably noticed this fine tree here.

You've probably noticed this fine tree here.

As we know, because of the blackout,

As we know, because of the blackout,

As we know, because of the blackout,

many of us haven't bothered with Christmas lights for a while.

many of us haven't bothered with Christmas lights for a while.

But all of that...

..that's all over.

And it's come at a price.

I'm sure you'll all join me

in raising your glasses to those we lost.

Let's hope their sacrifice wasn't in vain.

Let's hope their sacrifice wasn't in vain.

Let's hope that it means

the world doesn't go down this dark road again.

the world doesn't go down this dark road again.

And let's hope the year ahead

And let's hope the year ahead

brings us all the things we truly need.

brings us all the things we truly need.

Good tidings, comfort, and joy.

Good tidings, comfort, and joy.

ALL:Hear, hear.

CHEERING

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone!

ALL: Merry Christmas.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Rudolph.

Merry Christmas, Rudolph.

Come on, birthday boy!

ALL: Merry bloody Christmas!

ALL: Merry bloody Christmas!

LAUGHTER

TRISTAN:Murkey! TURKEY GOBBLES

TRISTAN:Murkey! TURKEY GOBBLES