All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E06 - The Election Story

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those
were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were
girls and men were men ♪

♪ mister,
we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody
pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our
old lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Well, I got another
stack of leaflets.

How many more blocks do we
have to cover? Only three more.

We still have to canvas
below northern boulevard.

Oh, boy. Practically
all conservative.

But those are the ones
we have to talk to the most.

I just hope it's not like
last night. Remember?

"Get away from my door, you radical,
hippie, yippie, commie, freak pinko!"

Hey, hey, knock it off, will ya.

I got a screamin'
headache over here.

Oh. Hi, arch. What
are you doin' anyway?

Oh, geez. The two
politicians are hard at it.

Well, let me tell you somethin'. If you're
still workin' for the Claire packer woman,

you're wasting
your time 'cause this

district ain't gonna
put her in the assembly.

That's what you think. If we get out enough
votes, this could be a very close race.

You want a hot tip?
Put your money on cohn.

He's gonna win by a nose.

Archie, that is not only an
old joke, that's a bad joke.

And it's also an anti-semitic
joke. That's right.

It's absolutely hateful.
I'm ashamed of you, daddy.

"I'm ashamed
of you, daddy."

You know something? If I was
to open a mouth to my old man...

Like you just
opened a mouth to me,

he'd have let me have it
right across the kisser.

Wop. Oh, excuse me. Bam. You
can't say "wop" around here.

I'll get it.

Oh, leave it alone. It's another one of
them election jerks beggin' for your vote.

I wanna see. What is it
with her and this election?

She's interested, Archie.
She's voting for the first time.

Oh, that's right. Youth is
votin' for the first time.

"And a little child
shall lead them."

Whoever said that
didn't know nothin'.

Look at this, daddy. When
the youth vote does count,

political parties won't still be
choosing candidates by religion like this.

This is terrible. What's
the matter with this?

I call this representative
government.

Salvatore, feldman,
O'Reilly, Nelson.

It's an Italian, a Jew, an
irishman and a regular American.

It's what I call a
balanced ticket.

Why do you always have to
label people by nationality?

'Cause how else are you gonna
get the right man for the right job?

For instance, take
feldman there.

He's up for treasurer.
Well, that's perfect.

All them people know how to
handle money. Know what I mean?

- No, I don't.
- Then you got Salvatore
runnin' for D.A.

He could keep an eye on feldman.

You know, I wanna tell you
somethin' about the Italians.

When you do get an honest one,
you really got somethin' there.

Oh, come on, arch.

Here you got O'Reilly, the Mick.

You can see that the graph is
equally spread around, you know.

You got Nelson, the American
guy. He's good for TV appearances.

Make the rest of them
look respectable, you know.

Where do you get
all these ideas?

Oh, from the college of
hard knocks, Sonny boy.

I've been everywhere
the grass grows green.

I've seen everything there
is to see.

I know people.

The reason you don't
know nothin' about

people is you always
got your big mouth open.

You're never willin'
to listen to nobody.

How do you do, sir? May I
have a moment of your time?

No.

Furthermore, that Claire packer
and the whole progressive party...

Is sure losers.

Now if you wanna
pick a real winner...

I'm not interested
in picking a "winner."

Well, I knew that the
day you married this guy.

Oh, that's funny,
arch. Very funny.

You don't know anything
about the progressive ticket.

I know one thing
about this election.

It's gonna be won by Floyd Jay
lundey, your distinguished "incrumbent."

Floyd lundey? My man.

How can you be for lundey? Look at
his record. He's against school bussing,

he's voted down every pay raise for
teachers and he's a hawk on Vietnam.

A great American.

There's another one
of them pamphlet pests.

They're gonna be ringing
the door all day long.

We ain't interested.

- Archie.
- Oh, geez.

All right, Edith. Come on in.

Did I do something wrong?

Get in here, will ya!

Have I got news for you, Archie.

Oh, never mind the news.
Did you bring back the aspirin?

Gloria, guess what
happened at the supermarket.

They broke the code. What code?

The secret code at
Ferguson's supermarket.

What are you talkin' about?

Ferguson's always puts a
stamp on perishable foods...

That tells him
what day it came in.

But it was in code, so
they knew and we didn't.

But now we know.

I'm waitin' for the
aspirin here, Edith.

Yeah, Archie, I
got it right here.

Now look at these eggs.

See, they're marked x-21.

That means they came in this
morning fresh from the farm.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Guess who broke the code.

J. Edgar hoover.

No, he wasn't in the store.

It was Claire packer
who broke the code.

You know, she's the
one that Gloria and Mike...

Have been campaignin' for.

Yeah, I know. The one that's
got her big nose into everything.

Oh, no, not the
American cheese. No.

That's today's. X-l.

Here, eat the Swiss cheese.
X-y. That's yesterday's.

You gotta eat yesterday's
x-y before you eat today's x-o...

Because tomorrow today's
x-o will be yesterday's x-y.

See?

Am I goin' too fast for ya?

D-b'd. D-b'd?

Dingbat!

I don't want no cheese.

Claire packer.

I'd like to give that Claire
packer a piece of my mind.

You'll get your chance, daddy.
She's coming here tonight. What?

Edith! Claire packer
is comin' here tonight?

Just to pick us up. This is our
last night to ring doorbells.

- Yeah, Archie?
- Get me an ice bag, will ya?

- For your head?
- No, Edith. I wanna
build an igloo.

Will you get it? Sure.

Right away, Archie.
Claire packer here?

Now, daddy, when she gets
here, please don't start anything.

No nasty remarks,
no insults, please?

Listen. I don't even wanna
look at your Claire packer.

Just let her come in
here, turn around on

her broomstick and
fly the hell out of here.

I am sick and tired of your
negative attitude about Claire.

Who are you to look down on
anyone? You're not even voting!

What? Gloria, you
didn't tell me that.

That's right. He's not voting.

Oh, boy. I don't believe
it. I just don't believe it.

You mean to tell me that
Archie bunker, super patriot,

flag waver par excellence is
not voting in tomorrow's election?

Yeah, because I Cherish my vote the
way you're supposed to. That's why.

I don't waste it on these little
meatball elections around here.

I save my vote for the biggies.

Did you... did you hear that?
Did you hear that reasoning?

He's not gonna vote 'cause
he saves it for the biggies.

That's right. Your
presidential, your senatorial,

your "governororial,"
your "mayorororial."

Daddy, what about
the school bonds?

What do I care about them? You don't see
any schoolkids running around here, do you?

If you don't care about
school bonds, then you

don't care about the
future of your country.

- And you call yourself
an American?
- Yes.

And I think of some of the things
you've called me... pinko, commie.

Don't forget meathead,
dead from the neck up.

You wrap yourself in the flag and then
you won't even exercise your right to vote?

You won't do that
much for your country.

Listen, you. When my
country called me, I was there.

Where was you in 1942?

I wasn't even born yet.
That ain't no excuse.

I was over there
in Italy fighting the big one.

156 missions over
Europe my group flew.

Archie, you were
in the ground crew.

Which without them the planes
would have never took off.

So you won the big one, but you
don't care we're losing the war at home.

Listen, Americans
never lost no war.

- We're losing one right now.
- Huh?

The war against poverty,
injustice, ignorance.

That's the war Claire
packer's fighting.

- Who are you?
- Claire packer.

Oh, geez. The queen of
the liberals just blew in.

Well, thank you, Mr. Bunker.
It's nice to meet you.

Yeah? Well, it's nice to meet
you too there, miss Claire packer,

so's I can give you
a piece of my mind.

You know somethin'? If you
liberals go on gettin' your way,

we're all gonna hear
one big loud flush.

That's the sound of the
u.S.A. Goin' down the toilet.

Mr. Bunker, I want that
vote of yours tomorrow.

Now you tell me.
How do I get it?

Can you handle a shotgun?

'Cause that's the
only way I know.

Come on, Claire. Let's go. No, Mike.
Just a minute. I wanna talk to Mr. Bunker.

Oh, hello, miss packer. I
didn't know you were here.

Here's your ice bag, Archie.

How would you like
a nice cup of coffee?

I just got some
fresh... x-l. Thank you.

Edith. Yeah, Archie?

I wanna thank you
for the ice bag.

You're welcome, Archie.

Now do you suppose I
could have a little ice in it?

Oh, I forgot. Sure.

I'll be right back.

Listen, sis, I got a
word of advice for you.

Women and politics
is like oil and gasoline.

They don't mix.
It's against nature.

Why, Mr. Bunker. You
sound like a male chauvinist.

Right... an ordinary taxpayer.

Now you better stop
runnin' for public office...

And start runnin'
after a husband.

'Cause I wanna tell you from
where I sit you got some runnin' to do.

Now just a minute.
Here you are, Archie.

Your ice bag with ice. All
right, Edith. Leave it there.

The coffee will be
ready in a minute.

'Cause you ain't gonna sell me none of
your progressive pinko welfare ideas.

What have you got against
welfare? Everything.

I am sick and tired
of people like you...

Givin' away my hard-earned money to a bunch
of families who ain't even related to me,

which couldn't be
related to me for

"complexionary" reasons,
if you know what I mean.

Are you related to any of
the executives at lockheed?

Huh? Well, you must be
because you're supporting them.

What are you talkin' about? I'm
talking about government subsidy.

You're giving
welfare to the rich.

Welfare to the
rich? What is she...

Nobody in this country needs welfare.
We got the highest standard of livin' ever.

And six to seven million
people out of work.

The grossest national product.

And an inflated economy.

We got the strongest
country on earth.

Capable of being wiped out by the
second strongest country on earth.

Not if we get them first, lady.

If we launch, then they launch,
and then we both go up. Boom!

Will you tell me something?
Why is it you liberals...

No matter what subject you're talkin'
about, you always get around to that?

You guys got more ways
for the world to end...

Than a dog's got fleas.

And you guys got a way of wrapping up
any discussion with one simplistic line...

That sounds good, satisfies
you and solves nothing.

Wanna do me a favor? What?

Scram.

- Daddy, Claire's our friend!
- That's all right, Gloria.

My father had a word for
people who think and talk like you.

I ain't interested. Mr. Bunker,
you are a meathead.

What was that word I heard?

Meathead, arch.

That means dead
from the neck up.

We better get out of
here. He's not voting anyway,

so three out of four votes
from this house isn't bad.

Well, she ain't even gonna get that, little
girl, because I just changed my mind.

Here's your coffee, miss
packer. Forget it. She's leaving.

I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen
around here. Edith and I are gonna vote.

So that's gonna cancel your two
votes. So from this house you get zilch.

But more than that, I'm gonna follow
youse into that neighborhood tonight...

And I'm gonna go over
it with a fine-tooth comb.

I ain't lived around here
for 30 years for nothin'.

These people around here know
Archie bunker. They're my people.

I'm gonna knock on
every door and I'm gonna

say to them all, "stick
to your guns, folks.

Vote for lundey!"

Will you quit breathin' on me?

We're gonna see who's
gonna win this election...

Packer or bunker.

What's this one's
name? Kleinheim.

You think it's too early in the
morning? Not on election day.

Uh, hello, Mrs. Kleinheim.

Yeah, I rang your doorbell
last night and you weren't in.

So, I was...

What? No, this is not
an obscene phone call.

Mrs...

Mrs. Kleinheim, this is
the way I always breathe.

I-I was... wait, wait...

She's gonna call the police.

You better make the
rest of the calls. Okay.

Daddy, you're up.

Up and at it, little
girl. Up and at it.

What were you doing outside? I
was just outside raisin' the flag...

So that everybody includin'
the foreigners would know...

That this house
sits on American soil.

Coffee, everybody.

Edith, I don't want no coffee and
you better hurry up with yours...

'Cause we gotta get out of
here and vote.

- I'll get it.
- You're rarin' to go. Yesterday
you weren't gonna vote at all.

That was before packer's
pinko invasion here.

How do you do? My
name is George Robinson...

And I represent the
gay liberation front.

How do you do?

This must be Mrs. Robinson.

No, I'm Cynthia Nash of
the daughters of sappho.

We wanted to talk to you about
our candidate in today's election.

Now hold it. Hold it, Edith.

Let me handle this, huh?

Edith, don't you
know what they are?

She's a daughter of sappho
and he's a gay liberator.

Step aside, will you, huh?

Just let me do the talkin' here.

Excuse me. Get lost.

Archie, that wasn't polite.

Edith, do you have to be
a dingbat all of the time?

They seemed like
such a nice couple.

A couple of what?

He ain't a he and
she ain't a she.

I don't know what you mean.

Edith, do you remember Richie
Clifford from across the street?

He used to sit on the
stoop knittin' sweaters.

Yeah. He taught me
how to cable stitch.

You remember schultzy's
daughter, Maxine the cab driver,

they wouldn't let into
the teamsters union?

Oh, you mean butch.

Yeah.

Oh.

You mean they're... yeah, yeah.

Tooty and fruity.

Let's see what kind of garbage
they're givin' out here. Oh, look at this.

"We are citizens too. Make it
legal for two consenting adults...

To do whatever they wish in
the privacy of their own homes."

Why would they need a
law for that?

Go have your coffee, huh,
Edith. I'll answer the door here.

Hi, Mr. Bunker. Hi,
everybody. Hello, Lionel.

Hi, Lionel. We're just
gettin' ready to go out and vote.

I'm glad I caught you because i'm
here to do a little campaigning.

Mr. Bunker, I would like you to
vote for diangelo for city council.

What are you doin'
rootin' for an Italian?

Oh, no, he's black.
Here's his picture.

Hey, look at this. Gee.

What's this guy doin'
with an Italian name?

Oh, the usual thing... puttin' it
on his letterbox, on his checks.

I mean, how come a colored
guy's got a name like diangelo?

It gets confusing, doesn't it?

There's a lot of black people named white
and a lot of white people named black.

Just the other day I was delivering some
cleaning to a family named rockefeller.

Black? No, white. Sometimes
it works out just right.

So how 'bout it, Mr. Bunker?
You gonna vote for diangelo?

In america we got a
secret ballot here.

So all I can tell you is that i'm
gonna vote with my conscience.

Yeah, that's what
I was afraid of.

Well, thanks anyway.
Bye. bye, Lionel.

- Well, let's go get 'em.
- All right.

- Go where? What are you doin'?
- We're gonna go vote.

Edith, they're gonna go
vote. Come on. Hurry up.

Finish the coffee, will ya!
They're getting out the door.

Why can't you hurry?
See you at the polls.

Come on, Edith. Will you get
your hat and coat. Here's your bag.

Hurry up. They're
gettin' ahead of us!

And the voting booth
is right over there.

Thank you, Mrs. Jefferson.

Well, here goes. My first time.

Don't be nervous, honey.

Come on, meathead. You're
holdin' up the whole line here.

Can't you see the sign?
"No electioneering."

Under "s", Mrs.
Edwards. Stivic, Michael.

And while you're checking, see if he
passed the "literaracy" test there.

Will you sign
here, please? Sure.

Good morning, Mr. Bunker. Good morning,
Edith. Good morning, Mrs. Jefferson.

What are you doing here, Mrs. J? Picking
up a couple extra bucks for yourself?

That's right. Under
"b," Mrs. Edwards.

Bunker, Archibald.

She didn't have
to say it that loud.

Bunker, bunker. I don't
have an Archibald bunker.

Well, it's in there. Just
look a little further.

- I have an Edith bunker.
- That's me.

That's my wife. She's in
there. I must be there too.

Well, I can't find
your name either.

What do you mean, Mrs.
Jefferson? It's gotta be in there.

When was the last time
you voted, Mr. Bunker?

Uh, I voted for Nixon.

Well, I should have a card
here for you. That was in 1968.

No, you didn't
vote for that Nixon.

That was the Humphrey Nixon.

You voted for the Kennedy Nixon.

You haven't voted since 1960?

Uh... well, listen. I had
a lot of things to do.

Something was
always comin' up. Yeah.

Once he had a bad toe
spasm. Stifle it, will you.

Well, I'm awfully
sorry, Mr. Bunker,

but if you haven't registered in 11
years, you're not eligible to vote.

Now, hold it. You
ain't gonna sit there...

And tell me I ain't gonna be
allowed to vote in this election!

Hey, hey, hold it down now, Mac.
Now what's the trouble here?

Mr. Bunker isn't registered,
officer, and I can't find his name.

Well, then look in some
other book. It must be there.

I've been livin' in this
neighborhood for 30 years.

I even went to school in this
buildin' here. It's gotta be there.

Is his card in the book? No.

Then you can't vote. Now
step aside and let the lady vote.

Step aside.

Under "b." "B" for baloney,
that's what that is.

Why didn't you say something
about this? Hey, hey, hey!

Is this guy botherin' you, lady?

Oh, no, he's my husband.

You got my sympathies.

Try and keep him quiet, will ya.

Will you sign here,
please, Mrs. Bunker? Okay.

And then go right over
there. Thank you, Louise.

I'll be right back, Archie.
Wait a minute. Edith, come here.

Now don't say nothin' to the kids
about what happened over here.

Oh, no, Archie, not
a word. I promise.

Wait. Edith, Edith, come here.

How you gonna vote?

Oh, I can't discuss
that, Archie.

It's a secret ballot.

Edith! Come over
here and sit down.

I wanna know how
you're gonna vote.

I can't tell you that, Archie.

A person's vote is between
his conscience and himself.

Edith, remember when we was
married, what the minister said?

A man and his wife are as one.

It was a beautiful
thought then...

And it's a beautiful
thought now.

And it was never
truer than now, Edith.

Because between the two
of us, we only got one vote.

Because I'm registered
and you're not.

Because you didn't
remind me to register.

Oh, yes, I did. How
many times? Once?

Really, let's forget it.

Lundey needs all the
help we can give him.

But you got a lot of
votes for him last night.

You was out till
midnight ringin' doorbells.

Edith, listen to me. I only
got as far as kelcy's bar.

I couldn't get out of there.

Now, Edith, as man and wife...

We're supposed to share
everything, right? Yeah.

So I lost my vote,
you share my loss.

You got your vote,
I share your gain.

Fifty-fifty. See how it works?

Now, this is the way I
want you to vote our vote.

Hey, folks. Dummy up.

Aren't you guys gonna vote?

Yeah, I better go in now.

- What about you, arch?
- Oh, I already voted. I done that.

- That fast?
- Well, all I had to do was go
in and vote against packer.

In and out like a
shot, that's all.

Okay, see you at
home. Bye, daddy.

Why don't you turn
on the TV, daddy?

Oh, leave it off. There ain't nothin'
but election results on there.

That's exactly what I wanna see.

If you're still hopin' for Claire
packer, forget it. She ain't got a chance.

There was a pretty big turnout at the
polls and Claire just might squeak through.

So aren't you glad you voted,
daddy, even if it wasn't the biggie?

How would you feel if Claire
packer won by just one vote?

Or two.

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.