Original subtitles

Tonight, Toyota's new small car.

Can it play football?

The new Range Rover Sport. Can it outrun a 120mm tank shell?

And James Nesbitt. How will he get on in our reasonably priced car?

Welcome to Top Gear. Now, we've been told that in this new series, we've got

feature more green cars.

So, here's one.

It's really the greenest car we could find, really. And

hopefully, it will keep the environmentals happy, because coming up

we've got in this series for normal people.

Right.

I knew that left time in the van.

No, it's all over.

The next shot's going to be me overtaking him.

Here we come.

Come on, explode.

Whipping head.

Cheeky head.

What?

I have got to beat those boys.

Driver, give me the berries.

Oh, this is easy.

Big shot. Yes, go.

Oh,

yes.

A smorgasbord of excitement there. And we're going to start in a similar vein

with a...

This is it, the Mercedes COS.

At the front, it certainly looks like a normal Mercedes.

Same grille, same headlamps. But from there backwards, it goes berserk.

The idea is that you have a boring four -door saloon which looks like an elegant

two -door coupe.

I have to say, I think it's epic.

I love some of the details too, the pillarless doors and the brake lights

look like aliens.

Then inside you have a dirty great slab of unpolished wood and seats

which massage you.

as you drive along.

Of course, you're probably thinking that with such a smooth coupe shape, the

back seats would only be suitable for Anne Boleyn.

Well, yes, there are only two seats rather than the more usual three, but

is enough space for people with heads. I mean, you'd be fine back here for a

short trip to the golf club.

And you would be going to the golf club, actually, because the satellite

navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses.

Everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

Thing is, though, if I had one of these cars, I certainly wouldn't waste my life

playing golf.

You see, this may have a big, very heavy body, and it may have the foundations

from a...

humdrum saloon but um what's this

you

can have the cls with a v6 or a v8 but what i've got here is

the amg supercharged v8

That's 5 .5 litres and, as near as makes no difference, 500 brake horsepower.

And that means 0 -60 in 4 .5 seconds.

There's so much torque that when you put your foot down, you can actually hear

it growling.

I'm so angry about being an engine.

I want it to be an eagle or a lion.

Sadly, you don't get Merc's new seven -speed automatic gearbox. The engine

just rip it apart.

But you do get the same brake technology that you find on the SLR supercar.

So, when you hit the pedal, it

actually hurts.

It really does her. She feels like her face is being pulled off. Ow.

On top of this, the CLS is set up to be 40 % stiffer and sportier than the

normal E -Class.

So, let's disengage the traction control and engage the airmatic DC

Sports 2 setting on the suspension and see what's what.

Turn in.

Turned off.

The brakes are still being used to try and stop the flies.

And, well, you can see the effect that looks.

They've overheated.

It's telling me to drive carefully.

Okay, I'll ease it down to 140.

But, frankly, I'm having too much fun to go any slower than that.

Start at £43 ,000.

This supercharged version is £70 ,000 and that's a lot.

But then it is a lot of car.

In fact, there's only one thing that would stop me from buying one.

It's a Mercedes.

There was a time when Mercedes was a byword for...

Absolute quality and fastidious customer care. But ten years ago, the top brass

decided their cars were needlessly over -engineered. In other words, they

decided to save money by cutting corners.

The result is plain to see. In 1994, Mercedes was first in the JD Power

Customer Satisfaction Survey in America. In 2004...

They were nine places from the bottom.

They say that today the quality is coming back.

They say they've cut their profits from three to one billion a year to make sure

their cars are built properly.

But they say lots of things.

I mean, Mercedes say that this engine is hand -built at the AMG plant by

just a...

few dozen of their most highly skilled engineers.

Look, they even put a plaque on it saying that this particular one was

handcrafted by Thorsten someone or other.

Thing is, though, I happen to know that AMG make 18 ,000 of these engines every

year. That's a hundred a shift.

By hand.

I really hope my worries about quality are unfounded because I love this car a

bit. thug in a silk dressing gown.

And I just hope it's as well made as they say it is.

Anyway, enough of all that quality stuff. I want to go back a bit. How many

those engines does AMG make by hand every year?

18 ,000, and that's not including the ones they make for Pagani with the

Over 18 ,000, and by hand. I mean, Fritz must be the hardest -working bloke in

the whole of Europe. He is. I can't come home tonight, I must make another 20

,000 engines with my hands!

It's amazing!

There's no wonder he gets the odd one wrong.

Anyway, we must now find out how fast this car goes round the track, which

we have to hand it over to our tame racing driver.

Some say he never blinks and that he roams around the woods at night foraging

for wolves.

All we know is he's called the Stig.

And away he goes. Oh, lots of wheels spin off the line there. The Stig has

traction control very, very off. Up to the first corner. Here he comes, sliding

a little bit on the way in.

Loads of tyre squeal, but it's drowned out by the sound of that big angry

supercharged V8.

Or it would be if the SIG weren't listening to his new collection of prog

Focus there. Very good.

He's neat into Chicago.

Big, big slide on the way out.

And he's on his way down to the hammerhead. Braking in this car is so

would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

Look how flat it is around there, though.

Very heavy car, but he's got it in the airmatic two setting.

Coming up into the follow -through.

Listen to that noise.

It's like Barry White eating wasps.

Okay, we're going over the first half. The CLS was very, very quick. Can he

maintain it all the way to the line? Into Gambon, kicking up dust, and across

the line.

Now, this is the first opportunity we've ever had to see how fast one of these

AMG engine Mercs will go around our track. The only one we've ever had

was the SL, which is way down here for two reasons.

First, it was very, very wet. And secondly, it was mine. And I told the

back off a bit. Anyway, this has gone around in one minute, 26.

0 .9, which is way up here.

Four -door saloon, only 0 .1 of a second slower than a Ferrari 575.

That is a phenomenal car.

And now, the news. And, of course, the biggest news whilst we've been off air

that Rover is over.

Yep, finished.

And it's your fault. It was. You did that. So I gather, yes, it's all my

Very sorry about that.

But more practically...

There must now be loads of rovers lying around that people could go and buy.

Have a look at this.

Aerial shots of Britain's rovers. They're all rovers?

Yep. Thousands of them. Fields of them. So why can't we just go and buy them?

Because there's some sort of legal wrangle that says they can't sell them

because it's not clear who owns them or who's owed money or whatever, but they

will sell them eventually.

Because I was thinking about this the other day. That Rover 75, the diesel,

a BMW engine, so presumably BMW has conserved that one. Yes, and the other

has the Hayes -series engine, which has been in Land Rover and what have you, so

they'll be able to service that.

Warranties? Buy a warranty.

Do that. So you're saying, you've always liked it, haven't you? I've always said

it didn't help them, but that the Rover 75 is a great car.

So when they tell them, they can put a pick -your -own sign on these fields

here.

That big juicy red one is the one for me. How much discount do you reckon

get? It could be 30, 40, maybe more percent off.

Buy a rover. We can say that now we've gone bust.

Now, yes, you may have noticed this week that some Greenpeace activists broke

into the Land Rover factory, chained themselves to the production line

that Range Rovers...

I don't know what they claim they do, but they do something wrong anyway. So

we're kind of with Greenpeace on this. We think it's ridiculous that town and

city centres are clogged up with enormous gas -guzzling vehicles that

one person on board. So we thought that we'd stage a protest of our own, and

here it is.

This is Hammersmith Bus Depot at rush hour, and we've handcuffed ourselves to

bus.

Buses kill 48 vans a week.

Buses burn planets.

CSPs coming out of the back of that bus are enough to fill the Pacific Ocean

every three weeks.

Why are you making this stuff up? What you do to get in the papers, you just

make up statistics, they get printed and you sound really good. Right. What do

we want?

A Range Rover!

Why do we want it? As soon as we can arrange easy finance. Well, as soon as

the...

See, the bus driver was so angry, he had to come up and ask for an autograph.

Yeah, and then, look, they put a bus in front of us so we couldn't be seen by

all the passengers, but we just chained ourselves to that one then.

Old dead fingers will have to be prized from this bus.

The only way I'm leaving this bus is without this arm.

Yep. Once in a man's life, you can't just...

Put your feet down and say back hello.

Now, you see, what happened here is that the police took really nice policemen,

they really were, and they said they've got better things to do, really, than

deal with three middle -class boys chained to a bus and wouldn't mind going

away. So this is what happened.

We ran away. We ran away.

We're not as good at protesting, I think, as Greenpeace. What's our first

it? We're new to it. Yeah.

Now, you know, Alistair Darling...

Got a photograph of him here. He still looks like a badger, doesn't he? He

He's our transport minister. He has appointed a minister of road safety

name is Lady Man.

It's not. His name is Lady Man, which means that our... There's a picture of

him. Our transport department is now being run by Darling and Lady Man.

Excellent.

It's true.

Mind you, I've done some checking on this guy.

OK, guess what he drives? Bus.

No. A tandem bicycle.

No. A tricycle. Or a badger. No, no, no. He drives an Alfa Romeo, a 156.

Really? And until recently, he had nine points on his licence.

He's one of us. No, welcome on board, Mr Ladyman. Pop down any time you like.

Bring Mr Darling with you.

I'm going to move on.

What's the ugliest car ever made?

You stupid man.

not good looking.

You're just not in touch with your woman's side there.

Can I suggest the Hyundai Matrix? No, you can't.

That's hideous. The whole of the rule book on what is ugly has been rewritten

a company called Sanyong with this.

What the hell were they thinking? Look at the wheels, they're only nine inches

big. But look at this, it's just, it's big. gloopy front. I might be sick.

Hang about this car as it's going to be sold in Britain and they say it will

cost less than £19 ,000. Well, it was £19 ,000 less.

Remove it. Remove it from my sight.

Now, Top Gear needs your help because in this series we're going to be trying to

find what is the best driving song ever written.

Yes. Okay, now this is a song that when it comes on the radio you just can't

help putting your foot down a bit.

It's a driving song, which is not just your favourite song, because sometimes

your favourite driving song sounds rubbish out the car, but in the car it

works. I already know what my... Please don't tell us any of your favourite

tracks at all.

Don't talk about your music. Radar Love.

Golden Earring. I've been driving all night, my hands are wet on the wheel.

problem... Right, anyone else? Come on, what other songs?

I was about to get on to this. Can we try to remember, when we're voting for

this, that music has been happening before... But can we ignore Jeremy on

Chemical Brothers is perfectly acceptable.

You're just old and you won't know it. He'll vote for Busted and McFly.

Maroon 5, maybe Girls Aloud. Let me guess the price of things these days.

newfangled CDs, you can't get the needle to stay on them, can you?

He's got a picture of H out of step.

You can see it's going to be a big debate, this, and that's what we're

hoping for. So do please write to us at Top Gear, BBC Television, Wood Lane,

London, W12.

Or, of course, you can go on to our website, which is bbc .co .uk forward

Top Gear. Do please let us know what your favourite driving song ever is. And

I'll try and keep them away from it.

Anyway, moving on.

Hondas. They're reliable.

Very, yes, they are. They're practical. They are. And they are quite economical.

They are. Good residual value.

They're not very funky, though, are they? No.

No, they're not that. Ah, no.

I think I've found one that is.

Amazingly, all these funky details can be found on a Honda.

It's called the Element.

It has a 2 .4 litre petrol engine and it looks like the love child of a Range

Rover and a Nike trainer.

Sadly though, there is a problem.

Honda don't sell this car in the UK. And they say that's because they've already

got enough great cars for you to choose from.

You can buy one if you live in America, and for a modest £10 ,000.

In fact, this car was designed there, and specifically for 22 -year -old

American men who have left college but don't have jobs.

You do wish they could be a bit more specific about this.

Anyway, I really can't understand why Honda won't sell it in this country.

Because not only does it look funkier than James Brown's trousers, this car

a lot going for it.

It does have the makings of that really rare beast, a family car with charisma.

And it's clever, too.

Now, normally, doors are just something to stop you from falling out on

roundabouts, but these are much more interesting.

And look at this.

Excellent rear legroom and...

Pretty good luggage space as well. Now, normally in this kind of car, you get

one or the other, but rarely both. You just pull a little tab down here, and

they fold completely flat. And when they finish fighting, the seats can either

fold up against the walls, or team up with each other to make beds.

It's rugged, too. The seats are covered with the sort of material you'd find on

outdoor waterproof action clothing.

And the whole floor is covered in hose -down rubber.

You know, I really can't find the cat.

It's a family car. It's an outdoor adventure car. It's got funky combat

looks. I like the sort of pointlessly pointy glasses on the instruments.

Heater control, shaped like a Star Trooper's helmet. It's got a little

from the Ipod.

What this car might be, then, is something quite momentous.

I really think we might have the world's first cool Honda.

But before we can confirm this, we have to put the element through a very tough

test. You see, there's a very good reason why Hondas are generally...

not considered very cool in this country. And it's because research shows

the average age of the British Honda driver is... old.

So we've brought the element to that epicentre of British oldness,

More specifically, to the Guildridge Park Bowling Club, founded in 1920 by

Francis Drake.

Naturally, you can guess what its members drive.

Yeah, I've got a Honda.

You've got a Honda. You've got a Honda. Who else has got a Honda?

There's a lot of Hondas here. There's quite a few Hondas. I love my Honda.

The question is, though, what do they think of the Element?

If they hate it, it could be cool. But if they like it, we're back to square

one.

It's a new design. It's not available in Britain yet. It might be, if you like

it. It's big.

It's 2 .3 litres.

It's 2 .4 litres.

I think it'll be heavy on petrol. I don't think it'll be economical.

Quite right, madam.

You see, I like this car, so I'm kind of hoping they don't. The thing I'm

interested in is what you think of this sort of shape. I mean, it's chunky and

it's sort of combat style. Do you like that? For people at our age, no. I think

it's more appropriate.

for young mothers taking their children to school.

I'm not struck on the two -tone effect myself.

So you're saying it's difficult to climb into?

I wonder what you get to the gallon, then. And what do you think of the idea

rubber carpet?

I nearly slipped through.

Yes, exactly. That's a bit like putting a rug on a polished oak floor in the

hallway, isn't it?

But don't you think it's a bit sort of young person and funky, like trainers

and, you know, electronic devices?

Cool, I suppose they'd say, wouldn't they?

They retired for a game of bowls to consider their verdict.

And then it was time for the moment of truth.

Would the Element be a car for people who like hip -hop or for people waiting

for a hip -op?

OK, ladies and gentlemen, you've all had plenty of time to look at the new Honda

Element. What I'd like to know is, if this car were on sale in Britain, who

would buy one?

I wouldn't.

Which of you wouldn't buy it?

Yes! It's a cool Honda!

Oh, yes!

You know, I have to say, it's a very funky car, this. I really, really do

it. Because, you see, the thing is with most of my MPVs, like Renault Scenic,

the Mini ones...

What you're actually saying when you buy one of those is, look, I've had

children, I've served my biological purpose in life, and now I'm going to

the rest of my life turning slowly beige.

Yes, exactly.

You're the sort of bloke who gets up in the morning and says, you know, I think

my trousers would be easier to put on if they were elasticated. Exactly. It

changes everything. Now, Honda say they won't import it to Britain because they

already sell enough exciting cars here.

Exactly. Well, there's the NSX.

The F2000 and the Civic Type R, that's three. I think we could probably have a

fourth without too much trouble. I agree with you. But the thing is, you could

personally import one of these, because it is essentially a Japanese car, so

they make it in right -hand drive.

It's got the engine out of the old person's Accord in it, so your Honda

would be able to look after it. The only slight problem is it's £10 ,000 in the

States for your out -of -work blokes. By the time you've got it on the road in

Britain... More like 17.

I know that's a rip -off, but it's still only the same as a Renault Scenic.

Exactly. I really would.

Anyway, we've now got to move on and put a star in our reasonably priced car.

Our guest this week is an actor, a very, very fine actor, no denying that. He's

won a BAFTA.

But recently, in a newspaper interview, he said he was a very, very fine driver.

Well, we'll be the judge of that, I think. Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy

Now, you've just turned 40.

Yeah, I turned 40 this year.

It's a problem when that happens, I find, because it is that moment when you

realize all of your life's dreams are not actually... You're never going to...

You can remember your 40th easily.

It was a while back, and it's a moment... What's 50 like?

No,

I'm joking, I'm joking. No,

that's the problem.

You see, you've got the thing. You don't like going bald, do you? I'm not.

For it, necessarily.

No, but you look at me, you can see it going. I look in the mirror and think,

full head of hair. Yeah.

That's my problem. I noticed there was no overhead camera. People behind me go,

I'm not bald. Look, I've got all my hair. No, I liked being forward. My wife

threw a great party. On the day of a fantastic sort of surprise where my

best mates from Ireland turned up and we played golf, rock and roll.

But when I look back on my 40th, I will look back on it fondly. I'm telling you,

you won't. Because it's the moment in your life, and I know I've had five

of being in my 40s now, what happens is you wake up every day and a bit of your

body that worked perfectly well the day before has broken in the night. Oh, it's

very depressing.

Also, my memory's gone completely.

I can't, you know, I'm sure I'm doting. Do you have the word doting? Jeremy

Clarkson. Yeah.

Motoring show. I'm John Hanna. I was in Four Weddings and a Funeral. You've had

to... I've just got there.

You've had to get in shape, of course, because Murphy Law's back this week.

Thursday, the 26th.

And you do have to be quite fit for that.

Well, we changed it a lot this year. We tried to kind of make it, I suppose, a

bit darker and more real. We tried to create this character now who has this

sort of exceptional force of will and a refusal to submit to fear and...

It was an excuse to kind of get other people to pay for me to get fit.

And so I got this fantastic personal trainer called Mona McIntyre, who is fit

indeed. And she sort of trained me three times a week to try and become all

hard. Did you have to do... That's come out wrong.

She's one of my wife's best friends and mine as well. And her husband Chris is a

terrific man. Good.

You also learned how to break down and assemble a gun together in the... Yeah,

well, I play an armorer.

There's a whole episode where I have to recommission AK -47s.

Just the man!

I've got an AK -47, right? Yeah, I do too.

Yeah, and Ross Kemp from Ultimate Force, right? He took the back off the other

day and he couldn't get it back on again. No, it's easy to strip them. It's

hard putting them back. The breech block and all that.

If a burglar comes now, I'm sorry, I can't shoot him.

Can you mend a car then?

No, I'm not great with cars.

They're quite complicated, actually, to be honest.

Yeah, no, I never knew enough a lot about cars, really.

That is obvious. Right.

From your car history. What we do is, all the guests we have on the show, we

have, like, charts.

People who arrived the latest, people who, you know, had the biggest

We don't name names, Jordan, Vinnie.

But no, we do have a chart for who had the worst car history, which Rob Brydon

has always been at the top of. But you... It's not great.

You started well with a Lada.

Well, I passed my test on a Lada.

But I love Ladas because they were exactly the way you draw cars as a kid.

draw a car like that.

But it takes a while to pass your test on a ladder, because it takes so long to

turn it, the lock on it. A three -point turn was, presumably, even in... No, it

was... Well, you didn't need to do it, and you just went to a big field and

said, eventually, try and get round there.

And then I had a fiesta that my mum and dad gave me, which I drove from

Stranraer down to London.

The next day, Sonia, my wife, at that stage, who had just passed her test,

within ten minutes, drove it into a bus.

But then I bought Helen Baxendale's Saab 900i. Oh, that's an improvement.

It was great. I loved it. There's a chair at the back. Someone's got to

Nice bloke. He likes the idea of Helen Baxendale driving.

Which is indeed why I bought it.

But I bought it for 1 ,800 quid.

And I drove it to Manchester to do the first or second series of Coffey.

Thought, oh, I'd better leave it in for a service. Took it to the Saab garage in

Castlefield. Two grand I had to spend on it.

And the people at the garage said, well, she clearly knew there was something

seriously wrong with her.

Helen Baxendale is Arthur Daly. Yeah, he's a liar.

Now, tonight, of course, we reunited you with your dodgy past.

Yes. Because you were put into our reasonably priced car.

Right. And, to be honest, on your practice runs, things didn't go that

No, not great.

Anybody want to see?

Okay, let's just have a look at one of the practices here.

The

best

piece of car control. I've never seen anyone get a car... So it's gone beyond

degrees on grass. I'm not going to get in, I'm not going to get in.

It's annoying that because that was going to be my only past lap. I was

and I just, I was going down the end and Stig told me to try and, because I was

getting tense, and he told me to take my mind off and talk to myself. So I was

trying to do various impressions and I'm the world's worst impressionist. And on

that lap straight, coming into the corner.

I was doing the world's worst Murray Walker.

And I just... But I only realised when I passed the 100 sign, which I was

supposed to break, I was at the 50 sign. I thought, oh, I missed it.

Shall we have a look at the lap proper now?

Shall we see how it went?

OK, play the tape.

Play the tape.

Yeah, we'll buy a new clutch for next week when Jack D is here.

This is a tricky corner. I know, it's not easy, that. It rolls all over the

place. I know, I just couldn't go all the way around. A gentle... And then I

died there. Look, I'm dead.

No, it's all right. It's steady.

You see, slowing there is important.

No, it's important. Otherwise, you'd just slide wide and you'd have it.

I'm coming up to the chicane now.

I don't know what I'm going to do here.

Did it relax you?

Did that make you feel better?

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, that wasn't good.

Leave it there, I'll fix it in the morning.

Anyone else?

No, I don't know what I'm going to do. Oh, my God!

There you go, second to last corner.

No, not easy, that.

Made it that time.

Through Gambon, and where we go across the line...

I'd like to be faster than the blind man.

He's here.

I would like to be faster than Coogan. Well, Coogan, you're okay on Coogan,

because he's a mate, isn't he? He came here on, just honestly, it was

monsoonical the day he came. That was a really, because he's a good driver,

Steve, he really is, but he just got stumped by the weather.

Well, you did better than that. You did a lot better than that, in fact. You did

it in one minute, 51 points.

So for a man with a rubbish history in cars, that was an exceptionally good

time, I have to say. It's not like you've had 20 years of practice.

Anyway, it's been an absolute pleasure having you here. Ladies and gentlemen,

Jimmy Nesbitt!

James, not Nesbitt, the other bloke, drove a car that the Japanese won't be

selling in Britain.

Now here's one that they will be.

This is the new Toyota Aygo, and it's a tiny city car, the smallest vehicle that

Toyota has ever sold in Europe.

That's not very interesting.

But then neither are Toyota cars.

And the main people buy them because they never break down.

But we think the Aygo is interesting.

Firstly, it looks great. Kind of young and cute.

Secondly, it's cheap. It costs you £7 ,000.

Now you might think we're just into solid gold Lamborghinis and Ferraris

jet engines.

And you'd be right. But we do love cheap cars.

Especially clever cheap cars.

Let me explain.

Some cars are designed and then built cheaply. The Aygo was designed to be

from the start. It's in its genes.

Look at this. In most hatchbacks, the hatch is a piece of metal and glass.

In this case, it is just one sheet of glass, which means they save money on

expensive metal pressings. And it only needs one gaff truck to hold it up. And

there's even just one piece of string to hold up the parcels.

it all adds up and look inside just simple painted

metal and no extra frippery like dual controls for the windows on the driver's

side in most cars as well the seats are different for passenger and driver in

this car they're both exactly the same and that they've cost at the factory

They've also locked a cylinder off the engine, leaving three, which saves money

and weight, which means this tiny car has a tiny thirst.

It's also put together like Lego, so if you, say, smack a bumper, it removes

with just two bolts. Now, that brings servicing costs down, and that means the

insurance is cheaper. It gets a rating of just Group 1.

Although it's been built in the cheapest possible way, they've left in stuff

that you'd like, little things that make driving civilised.

So you get ABS and airbags and you can have sat, nav and air conditioning if

want. But there's other stuff, little touches that let you know they've really

thought about it.

Here, on the stereo, there's a socket so you can plug your iPod in.

So, we like the cut of its jib, but the Aygo is a city car. So now we're going

to find out if it's nippy, light on its feet, good at changing direction,

darting in and out of traffic, that sort of thing. And to do that, we're going

to have a game of football.

Yes, welcome to the world premiere of Aigo Fiberside Football.

It's a new top gear sport. Last year we tried to get historic people carrier

racing off the ground and absolutely nobody could care less.

This will probably be the same.

The rules are simple. It's playground Fiberside with no goalie. Now obviously

the players need quality drivers.

So as team captain, I'm going to pick them. Along with the other team captain,

Jose Mairinho.

OK, go on then, you pick first.

Alright, well I quite like the sound of this It's Russ Swift, bloke. He's been

part of a display team, and he's appeared on Stiller's Moment of Truth,

must be good. Mr Swift, please.

Here's your free shirt, mate.

I'll have the boy, then. I'll have Paul Swift, the other half of that duo. He

was actually British auto test champion in 2004, so there's your T -shirt. Thank

you very much. Matt Neal, four -times British Touring Car Championship

I want a bit of age and experience on my team, and you can't get more of that

than with Tim Harvey.

Started racing professionally in 1821.

Dan Eves, current BTCC.

Championship. Champions.

Sir, you've won a shirt.

Ben Collins, because he's done Formula One testing, he's racing Ascar, NASCAR.

There you go. T -shirt. Robert Huff, already the Seat Cupra Championship,

times winner.

Tom Chilton, youngest ever guy to win a race in the BTCC Championship.

What's that got to do with football?

Absolutely nothing.

With the players picked, it was time for some complex team tactics.

Move around and put the ball between those posts.

To win the game, you've got to score more goals than the other team, OK?

And then, while the teams limbered up, James and I tossed for the kick -off.

Er, heads.

Heads it is. Yeah!

Good luck there, sir. My best team win. Mine.

Kick -off, this is it.

Oh! That's not good.

Head -off number four there.

Acceleration's good.

The Eiger was also agile.

Steering on this car in one, easy to manoeuvre in a super -marking car park

football situation.

But more than that, the I -Go allowed James to do the first sporting thing in

his life.

Headed on through.

Yes, I've scored a goal at football!

I've scored a goal!

Why will it kick off so here it comes?

Yes, yes, we're finally getting our fair end.

Oh, that's a big one.

Flakes are pretty good.

I'm dribbling.

Then the Reds made a break for the blue goal, but Hammond used the Aigo's low

weight to make a brilliant interception.

Next, May in Red 1 was going for a second goal when... Oh, no! I can't

screwed that up!

Half -time.

Let the clutches, please.

And the car's changed ends.

Here we go, second half. It's our chance for an equaliser. My kick -off.

I've dummied him, and we're off to the goal.

Oh no, we've lost possession.

Oh no, they're steaming straight for it.

That was the equaliser for blue.

I'll kick off again and I'm passing it to Russ Swift.

Oh, he's punching it straight over their line. Oh, he's going, he's taking it

down the wing.

They've cleared it.

They're away.

By now we'd found out that the Aygo has all the makings of a great little city

car, and that was good. As with just a few minutes to go and the scores at one

all, the match got dirty.

Door ball, that's not allowed.

One of the things I will say about this car... It does, with Dan, quite severe

not very well.

No man's reversed into me.

This is heart -stopping stuff.

And then, just before the final whistle, with James defending the goal...

Dan, I've stalled.

Great piece of goalkeeping.

And I've stalled at the last minute and it runs. That was brilliant.

Well, I'm not over the moon, Richard. No, I am, oddly enough.

Can we talk about the car?

Yes. I think this actually is a great little car. It is. I really do. But it

isn't quite as simple as that. Because you see, this is a very small Peugeot.

And this over here is an equally small Citroen. Now, don't be fooled by the

that they've all got slightly different faces. They are, in fact.

The same car underneath.

They're built in the same factory, they're built by the same people, and

all got the same engine. But it's not as simple as that either, because the

Toyota and the Peugeot both cost £7 ,000.

The Citroën, same car, costs £6 ,500,

£500 cheaper. So, the three go for that one.

OK, it's time to do the pool wall, and we have a problem. Because, you see,

since I came up with this idea, what, a couple of years ago, I've always used

Kristen Scott Thomas, the actress, as a yardstick.

The idea being that if you drove over to Paris, where she lives, how would she

react to any given car that you happen to be in?

Well, the problem is that while we were off air, I actually met her. Lovely

girl, but it turns out she drives a Honda Civic.

And she doesn't really like the Aston Martin DB9 that we have in a special

Supercool section here.

She much prefers the Bentley.

Continental in red. In red. So we're going to have to change everything.

The Aston's got to go down there. We're going to put that in the fridge.

It's a complete switch around.

No, no, no.

No, it isn't. No, we're just going to find a new yardstick.

But you can't just tell us that the yard isn't the yard. That's the measure. No,

I'm sorry, Kristen. Beautiful girl, absolutely lovely, but gone. The new

yardstick is Fiona Bruce, the newsreader.

Until she turns out not to be a yard.

I presume. No, then we'll get Sophie Raworth. All right, let's apply the New

York dick to this. This is an example of a car that actually isn't very good at

all, as we agreed last year on Top Gear.

However... Chrysler 300C is what it's called. It's a Chrysler 300C, and it is

cool. Wrong. I'm going to give you four words.

Rio, Rooney, Wayne and Ferdinand.

They have a Chrysler 300C.

Wayne Rooney's got that car. It's dead. Isn't Wayne Rooney supposed to be cool?

I thought... He is cool.

His girlfriend, Colleen... What's her name? Colleen. She's got her face. It's

the cover of Vogue. She's on the front of Vogue magazine. That's pretty cool.

Yes, but people who look like her are more normally found on the front of

Blackpool in a kiosk.

So he shifts. Who thinks that is a cool car?

Oh, no, that's just... It's not a cool car.

No, it is. It's a cool car.

It's a cool car. I still maintain that's gone again.

One day... You'll still lose.

Now, the Golf, which is here, we read recently that the Pope has got one.

Now, we think as celebrity endorsements go... It's a big one. I drive one, he

drives one. It's pretty big, so we're thinking if you'd like to move that up a

bit, that would be... I kind of like it there.

There's another one here, the Maserati Quattroporte, which we've had here. Now,

since we put it there, Bonio, out of you two... Bonio himself!

Bonio is a cool man, and he's done his bit for third world debt by buying one

those, because he sent his money to Italy. So, we think that actually might

move now into super cool.

Anybody else got any thoughts on cars they see here that ought to be moved?

Evo. You what? Sorry, hang on. Come over here.

The Mitsubishi Evo. The Mitsubishi Evo is what? Cool.

That's honestly, I'm not joking. You remember when Neville Chamberlain got

the plane?

Wave the piece of paper around. That was the last time someone was as wrong as

you've just been.

Peace in our time.

I'm sorry?

Now, which Porsche have you got in mind?

The yellow one.

The yellow one.

Things you shouldn't say here. Number one, it moving too.

I think it's cool.

He's a cool looking guy, this bloke, actually. But he let himself down when

opened his trap.

I'm aware that we are actually still before the watershed, but I'm going to

you something.

No, no, no, not the Alfa Romeo. It's the Alfa Romeo Brera. There it is. Oh,

that's filth.

That is filth. I have to say, that's the first time that's ever happened to me

on television.

OK.

Every time I see this, it's Nobby Styles, Jeff Hurst, Bobby Charlton. What

thing. In fact, I'm just going to do that with me.

Richard's gone to the lavatory with the picture of the Alfa Romeo. My turn next.

Right, now we've got to move on.

With this, it's a mobile phone.

And it's also an internet, and it's an address book, and it's a camera.

And if it's possible to do this, then I wonder, is it possible to turn a Range

Rover into a sports car? Now, obviously, it's very difficult when you've got a

bunch of hippies chained to the production line, but that hasn't stopped

Rover from trying.

This is what they've come up with, the Range Rover Sport.

They say that making it was a challenge, and I'm not surprised, because things

which are tall are not sporty.

I know this.

Even so, this new car goes from 0 -60 in 7 seconds.

And it has so much power that the top speed has had to be pegged at 140 to

the tyres bursting.

And what's more, Land Rovers say it's not just fast in a straight line.

They say that thanks to some fancy new anti -roll bars, it can also handle the

bends.

They're right, it does.

The steering's sharp, the brakes are massive, it doesn't roll too much.

Bump and then a bend.

And it just takes it all on its stride.

It's very,

very good, this. It's really very, very, very good.

I'd say it was even more nimble than a Porsche Cayenne Turbo.

And more comfortable. And more economical.

Probably do 12 miles to the gallon, if you're careful.

And then there's the driving position.

See, in a normal off -road car, you sit up high and you have to kind of reach

down to operate everything. But in this, I'm still sitting high up, but they've

raised the centre console and the whole dashboard, so I feel cocooned, like I'm

in the cockpit of a fighter bomber.

We're now cruising at 35 ,000 feet, which we are.

So, quite an achievement then, turning a mud -plugging Range Rover into a

growling Nighthawk mudmover.

Except they haven't, because this isn't a Range Rover.

I know it looks like a Range Rover, but the Sport is five inches shorter and

lower. The two cars don't share a single piece of bodywork, and it's the same

story underneath.

The chassis is from the new Discovery.

The brakes are from Brembo. The supercharged 4 .2 litre V8 engine is

Jaguar, and so's the steering.

And it uses the same sort of suspension components as a Porsche 911.

Sounds great, but there are some drawbacks.

If that pulled up outside your house, you'd think, oh no, a drug dealer is

And then there are some of the details. I mean, the radiator grille, for

example, looks like the sort of towel rail that would be bought by the left

for Cheshire United.

Then you've got this black stuff here around the bottom of the window. I know

why they've done it, to cover up the fact the dashboard's been raised, but

ugly. And so are the side skirts.

But the worst thing, the worst thing of all is the tailgate, because on a proper

Range Rover, it splits.

like that on this one you can either open the rear window for no

reason that i can think of or you can open the whole tailgate fine but you're

a point to point okay without a flappy bit down here where do you sit

Of course, the Sport is cheaper than a proper Range Rover. You can have one

a turbo -diesel V6 for £34 ,000, which is almost cheaper than a horse.

But, I'm sorry, you can't have this car with a diesel engine. Be like saying,

well, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a

dance. She's a woman.

Yeah, but...

You have to have this £59 ,000 supercharged V8, because taste and

aside, it really does seem to have all the bases covered.

It's a high -riding fat boy hot hatch, a satellite -guided stereo with 20 -inch

rim.

It's also a 140 -mile -an -hour mobile phone. It's a living room,

it's got a fridge, and I'm fairly sure that somewhere in here...

With a tool for getting the stones out of horses' hooves.

It seems to do everything.

But does it?

Because it now has sport steering and sport suspension and a sporty spoiler at

the front, does it mean it no longer works off -road?

Well, to find out, we've devised a little test.

This is a Challenger 2 tank.

It has a 12 -cylinder diesel engine which produces 1 ,200 horsepower, and

enough for a top speed of nearly 40 miles an hour.

Not bad for something which weighs 62 tons.

The thing I'm most interested in, though, is the big gun, which, as you

is rifled for greater accuracy.

Not like those smoothbore American ones that just hit something over there.

It fires a smorgasbord of ammunition, cheap among which, really, you've got

-explosive rounds, which hit the target and blow it to pieces, or the depleted

uranium rounds, which penetrate the armour on the target and give everyone

inside two heads.

The natural habitat for the Challenger 2 is Salisbury Plain. 94 ,000 acres of

scarred and rutted terrain, swarming with heavy armour.

You'd be mad to bring a car here, but you'd have to be insane to bring one

for a fight with a Challenger 2 and its crew.

The idea is that I've got to drive the Range Rover Sport from here, OK, to

woods over there.

And you've got to see if you can get your gun pointed at me in such a way

if you push the fire button, I'd be history.

Who's the gunner?

You're the gunner? Yep.

I'll be keeping you in my sight.

Trying? You'll be trying? I will be.

Sorry. How old are you?

Me? 26.

26. Thinks he knows everything. Just watch this. Watch this!

So here we are on the start line, Goliath.

And David Beckham.

I have a cunning plan. You see, they'll be expecting me to go forwards, because

that's where the destination is.

Ready? Three, two, one. Now, now, now.

God, that barrel turns quickly.

Well, not quickly enough.

And straight into the woods.

All of us, all of us, all of us.

I've read enough war comics to know that tanks can't go in woods because they

can't move their barrel around.

I'm light, I'm nimble, I'm agile.

What I hadn't read, though, was the war comic featuring the Challenger's secret

weapon.

What in the name of all that's holy is he doing?

He's making smoke! I can't see!

I can't see anything!

Keep tracking him. Pick him up, pick him up, pick him up, pick him up. If I

don't get going soon, my big hot supercharger will be a red glow on his

imaging camera.

I was stuck in the woods being turned into a kipper.

So I decided to deploy the car's tyre -bursting speed.

And away we go. Advance.

Over rough ground, the Challenger 2 is the fastest tank in the world.

Now, I'm doing 40 miles an hour. The tank can go that fast, though. Oh, no.

I seem to have brought Puff Daddy's car.

To the sun!

This is where I've had it. You can't drive an off -road car, not even one as

good as this, over this kind of surface fast, and you can with a tank.

Speed wasn't working. I couldn't break free from that gun.

OK, mate, hard right stick. What do you... Hard cover's right.

I need some cover.

Now what are you going to do?

Because I can out -turn you, sunshine.

Right, he's going round this hook a little.

Now you see, what I've done brilliantly is hidden behind these bushes.

So I'm fully protected from the high explosive round by the branches.

Get around the corner, get around the corner.

But then it dawned on me that the branches might not actually stop the

Look at this. What's what I can do here?

Sneak behind him? He doesn't know. Yes!

Stumped by my agility.

And I'm making smoke.

Oh, yeah.

In seconds, though, he was back on my tail.

I've got to say, I know it's not the most important thing at the moment, but

some of the ride comfort has been lost.

by turning the Range Rover into a sport model.

There was no way I could survive in open ground.

I've got him, I've got him. Okay, name it, name it, name it. Fire it. Missed

him.

Because that turret can do a full rotation in nine seconds.

So my last chance was to try some serious off -roading.

if i can get down to the bottom of this ridge here he won't be able to he won't

be able to come down oh but i've got a little bit neutral come on battle low

range come on hurry up he can't follow

me down here and when i'm at the bottom his gun won't go low enough to be able

to get me he's just coming down quick down quick down quick down

So we're back up again.

Don't let me down now. Do not let me down now.

Be good off -road.

Be a good off -road guy, you are.

Oh, yes.

I have to say, I really was expecting this to be useless off -road, and it

isn't.

That bought me some more time, but not much.

This really is just a battle of range. Who runs out of fuel first?

And that's a bad plan because I suspect it's going to be me.

You can't get away from it.

It is really a very, very good off -road car, this. It really is. But if you're

planning on invading another country, use a tank.

Get off!

Target! Target stopped.

One -times -class destroyed.

Well done.

Now I'm dead.

Blown. Blown to pieces.

And these are the gentlemen who blew me to pieces. Give them a big round of

applause.

No, that was a great day out, that. It really was. Can I just say, I've still,

I've got doubts about this car. I mean, it is brilliant, there's no doubting

that. Oh, with a piece of engineering, you have to doff your cap for the Land

Rover engineers.

It's epic.

It is, but I think you're going to know where I'm going with this. I think

you're going to agree, because what's going to happen, at some point, you'll

at the light in your sport, and somebody's going to pull up next to you

proper big Range Rover, and you're going to look and think, look how high they

are. Well, you always think that.

It has a much better interior than the Sport, and it has the fold -down

tailgate. And you can have that engine in this one. Yeah, you can have a

supercharged engine. Then you've got a lot.

What I would say, in conclusion, is that if you're really not hammering down a

road, this Sport is, what, 6 % or 7 % better than the normal Range Rover, OK?

8%. 8%. Final offer, 8 % better than the normal Range Rover.

But for everything else, that's best. So, really, that would be what we'd say

summary, is that if you're going to buy a Range Rover...

make it a proper one. Not that anyone are listening to that now by the sport,

and I reckon, well, every footballer's going to have one for a start. And by

next year, you could walk from Cheshire to Surrey on like a carpet of Range

Rover sports without ever touching the ground all the way. Absolutely. And do

you know what? The Gulf Stream would continue to flow.

And on that bombshell, it's time to say goodnight. See you next week. Take care.

Bye.