Original subtitles

The man said when he picked up Sarah Cucumber, this is a fine pickle.

You got some calls while you were out.

Eddie Charles, Eddie Charles, Eddie Charles, Eddie Charles, Eddie Charles.

Too bad we're not playing poker.

Help yourself.

I don't know, thanks.

I hate pastrami.

Oh, by the way, Eddie Charles is on the line for you.

Which one?

Your friend, the TV guy.

How many Eddie Charles's do you know?

Which line, Toby?

Which line?

Oh, line two.

Line two.

And tell him to stop calling so much.

I got better things to do than answer your phone.

Eddie, look, I got to call you later.

I'm in a very, very important meeting.

I really can't talk now.

Liar.

Look, if it's about the reunion, just forget it, okay?

I'm not going.

Why?

Is it the money?

Because if it's the money, I'll pay for the ticket.

No, no, no, it is not the money, okay?

It's just I'm -- Damn, when it comes to failure.

I'm just not interested.

Come on.

I can't think of one person that I actually want to see.

Oh, no.

What about Jeannie Gill?

Hmm?

I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair.

She probably wouldn't even remember me.

Besides, she married some cop and moved to one of those big rectangular states.

Well, so forget about her.

What about me?

You know, you're just going to make me go by myself?

Quit bugging me, will you?

Just bring a date.

It's not the same thing.

I mean, we're a team.

You know, like Abbot and Costello.

Starsky and Hutch.

Simon and Garfunkel.

Butch Cassidy on the Sundance team.

Yeah, yeah, a team.

I know what a team is, Eddie.

Come on, man.

You're my best friend.

I mean, every memory I have has you in it.

And if I go to this reunion by myself, it'll be like it never happened.

I'll be darned if I'm going to weaken.

So come on.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hey, hey.

Martin Tupper.

How are you?

Has Eddie Charles signed in yet?

No, he has.

You sure?

Yeah, I know.

Thank you.

Sure.

Martin!

Martin Tupper!

Remember me?

Mitch Starlinger!

I haven't seen you in years.

Yeah.

It's that great looking wife of yours.

She's gone with the wind.

Parking car.

Yo, last I heard you were writing a great American novel.

What ever happened with that?

Well, actually, it's gone with the wind.

Being made into a movie.

In fact, I should call my agent right now.

Okay.

Eddie Charles.

Hey, how you doing, bud?

You remember Tiffany.

Bud, of course.

Great to see you.

Hello.

It's nice to meet you.

Could you excuse us for just a minute, please?

Sure.

You brought a date.

How could you bring a date?

I thought we were deemed, you know?

Butch and Sundance, right?

Well, they constantly had dates.

Besides, she's working on my special.

What special?

Well, I thought I taped the triumphant

return to my high school and aired on my show.

The Eddie Charles Home Sweet Homecoming, huh?

Great.

That's just great.

And what am I supposed to do?

Hey, we didn't forget about you, buddy.

We're thinking about doing like a 30-second spot

where you talk about what a great friend I am.

This is so fucking typical.

Then what are you getting so upset for?

You ready?

I'm starting.

Right on you.

Mr. Topper.

Keep your eyes on your own paper.

I dream of -- Jeannie Gill.

For Mr. Sub's class.

That was my Mr. Sub imitation.

I guess it needs work.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

No, I'm sorry.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I just didn't think you'd be here.

There you are.

Yeah.

Well, I'm in town on business.

And to finalize my divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

You've obviously never met my ex-husband.

I like the way that sounds.

Ex-husband.

Anyway, look at you.

God.

And I thought you were cute in high school.

Thanks.

Thanks.

See, you're looking pretty cute yourself.

You're not leaving, are you?

No, no, no, no, no.

I just got here.

Well, I'm just -- Yeah.

And with 12 seconds left, down by one, the

fans started chanting, "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie."

So I answered the call.

I faked to the left.

Then I -- Oh, whoa.

Watch where you're going, asshole.

Sorry, Aya.

Why don't we try that again?

This is kind of embarrassing, but I had the hugest crush on you in high school.

Wow.

Me?

You had a crush on me?

I mean, why didn't you say something?

Well, I was too shy.

Finally, senior year, I broke down, and I asked Eddie if he liked me.

And, well, that's when I found out.

Found out what?

Well, you know.

Oh.

About you being gay.

Eddie told you I was gay.

Well, he was just trying to protect you.

He thought that my flirting might make you uncomfortable.

You know, you're really lucky to have a friend like him.

That makes me so mad.

I'm going to be just right back, okay?

Okay.

So then I faked to the left, and I drove gracefully up.

You told Jeannie Gill I was gay?

No.

Why would I?

Oh, wait.

I might have mentioned something to that effect.

I'm going to fucking kill you, Eddie.

Me?

You should kill her.

I swore her to secrecy.

You knew I was in love with her.

How could you do that to me?

Because you told Marcy Stewart that I cheated on her with Ellen Jacobs.

Yeah, because I was going out with Ellen Jacobs when you slept with her.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Why don't we turn off the cameras?

That's it.

You've been sitting on me for 30 years, Eddie.

I'm sick of it.

Martin, you're making a scene.

Here's your chance to pay anybody.

You've got to go get them.

You want a scene?

I'll give you a scene.

Hi there.

I'm Martin Tupper, and I'm here with Eddie Charles, the big... Oh!

Sir, fuckface, who doesn't care about anybody but himself?

You son of a bitch.

Cut it out!

Come on, cut it out!

Come here.

Oh, man.

I'm like my mother made me be friends with

him because she thought he was under privilege.

But, you know what?

My mother's dead now, so from now on, I'm not

his friend anymore, and you shouldn't be either.

There's your stupid 30-second spot.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah?

Well, who needs you?

I'm loved by millions.

How many are you loved by?

Tens?

That camera is off, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

She's gone forever?

Is everything okay?

Fine.

I'm fine.

But look, I want you to know I'm not gay.

Oh, Martin, it's okay.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, but I'm really not gay.

I like women, you know, a lot.

Wait, you're bi?

Bi enough.

No, no, no.

I'm not gay and I'm not bi.

Eddie made the whole thing up.

So you never gave Mr. Romano a blowjob to get out of gym class?

Forget about girls.

No, actually, I got an A in gym based totally on athletic merit.

God, I can't believe it.

I wish I had known this back then.

Well, I'm glad to know it now, you know, for future reference.

Hmm.

You want to dance?

Actually, why don't we?

Get married, but I have three kids, all at once.

Take a walk, you know, get some air.

I'm talking with one of my closest friends from grade school on Lowell Winger.

How you doing, buddy?

I'm sorry, I'm drawing a blank.

You're... Eddie Charles.

TV star?

Pride of white plains high.

I'm terrible with names.

What's all this for, anyway?

The Home Sweet Home Show.

Monday through Friday, 9 A.M.

I guess you don't watch a lot of TV.

You're kidding?

All day, I'm unemployed.

Know who I love?

That Regis Philby.

There it is.

Here we are.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

It hasn't changed at all.

Oh, my God.

My name is still scratched in the desk.

Let me see.

No, no, it's nothing, really.

It's my mistake.

Why don't we sit over there?

It's a little less drafty.

Oh, God.

You knew the fantasies that ran through my head during Mr. Sepp's class.

Fantasies?

Like what?

Well... One of my favorites was... I would drop my pencil,

and it would roll under your desk, and I would have to crawl over and get it.

I can't believe I'm telling you this.

No, no, no, no.

Go on.

I mean, I'm... Curious.

Well... When I was down there,

I would notice that your fly was open on those faded jeans with the patches.

Oh, God, I loved doing those jeans.

Especially when you wore that red flannel shirt.

So anyway, my fly was open.

Oh, right.

So I would reach up, and I would zip it for you.

You know, common courtesy.

But you didn't have any underwear on.

So... Out would pop your... Your... Your... Your... Penis?

Have you heard this fantasy before?

Lucky guess.

So you were saying?

So... There would be your... Penis.

Thank you.

In all its glory.

And I would take off my shirt, and I'd put it between my breasts.

Your shirt?

Your penis.

Even better.

No, please.

Eddie, look.

Maybe you should just forget about the old friend segment.

Eddie Charles.

Eddie Charles?

I can't believe it!

I can't believe it!

My old friend!

Boy, did we have some good times

that I'm sure all of America would love to hear about.

Oh, this guy used to slay me.

Remember when you peed in the football team's Gatorade in the night?

And then you blamed it on... Oh, what was his name?

Uh, Martin Tupper.

Right.

Man, they beat the shit out of him.

But wait, this is even better.

Remember?

When you set the Spanish gloves, tacos stand

on fire, and then they suspended that guy.

Oh, who was that?

Martin Tupper.

Right.

Man, you really fucked that guy over!

You know, I do impressions.

Isn't this weird?

I mean, here we are, 20 years later, in exactly the same place, both of us single...

Neither of us gay.

You know, it's like there's part of me

that wants to hold on to this perfect fantasy I have of you, this ideal.

And the other part wants to throw you on that desk and fuck you silly.

Well, if it's a toss-up, I'm leaning toward the desk thing.

Oops.

You sure got the light, Mr. Martin.

Hey, bud, there you are.

Get out of here.

This is the worst.

Listen, you were right.

This reunion sucked.

What do you say we just go back to my place

and watch some TV and just forget all about tonight?

Just go away, will you?

Come on.

Listen, I got a new laser disc.

Sperminator 2 and Malcolm XXX.

We can zoom in on the -- Oh, hello.

I didn't know you had company.

Maybe I should go.

No! No, no, no, no.

No, I said don't go.

Don't go.

He's going.

Yeah, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, listen, Martin, if you're upset about before,

I'm sorry, man, but I will make it up to you, all right?

Yeah, well, talk is cheap, now beat it.

Ah!

What was that all about?

Nothing.

This is not important.

Maybe we should go somewhere else.

I have my old smoke bill outside.

Oh!

That lovely little lady you've been waiting to see.

She's correct.

She's correct.

She's beautiful.

She's sensational.

Oh!

Oh!

She's the sweetheart of the rodeo.

Oh!

Oh, my God, I want you inside of me.

Easy, sailor.

Don't go blowing your topper.

Oh, maybe we should just slow this down a little.

No, no, let's do it right now before it changes my mind.

Well, it's too early, way too early.

Are you all ready?

Here I come.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, I want you now.

Well, what do you know?

I'm out of gas.

It's sort of too late.

I guess I shook her too much.

You didn't.

This has never happened before, really.

I'm actually pretty good at this.

Get me a cat or a dog or a horse or a lion and I'll show you.

Ask anyone.

It's okay, Martin, really.

No, wait, wait, we can do other stuff.

I'll be ready like that.

Ten minutes.

This was probably a mistake.

There are people coming.

Five minutes, five to three.

Three minutes.

Watch, watch.

Come again, Martin.

Come again.

Hey, you got any jumper cables?

No, get out of here, will you?

Martin, I think we should go inside.

You go ahead.

I'll be in in a minute.

Out, damn it, fuck.

Out, I see.

Hey, there you are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Martin Tupper, how are you doing?

I've been looking all over for you.

I sort of feel like being alone right now, do you mind?

I know what you mean.

I usually like a little privacy too after I fuck somebody's wife.

No, this can't happen to me.

What?

My wife, Jeannie.

I saw the way you've been looking at her, staring at her tits, sizing them up.

All those who think he's guilty, say so.

Guilty!

That's very, very funny, but I really don't feel like joking right now.

So fuck off.

What, what do you think this is funny?

Huh?

Huh?

How funny is this?

Is this funny?

Hey, is there a problem?

Yeah, this asshole's been fucking my wife.

Holy shit, that's a gun.

He's got a gun.

Don't get it.

Hey, you're Lady Charles from the Home Sweet Home Show.

That's right.

Would you like an autographed picture?

No, I hate that fucking show.

Get a wall and shut up.

Don't let me get away with this.

There's a room full of people here.

Hell.

It's police business, ladies and gentlemen.

Everything's under control.

You were saved.

Larry, what the hell are you doing here?

I've got a restraining order.

Shut up.

I didn't sleep with her.

Don't believe me.

She can back me up on this.

Did you fuck this guy?

That's really none of your business.

Female Benedict Donald.

None of my business?

None of my business?

This is Phoenix all over again.

Going somewhere?

You fucked my wife.

So now I got to kill you.

No, wait, wait, wait.

There's no way that he could have had sex with her because he's gay.

What?

He's gay.

The sight of a naked woman repulses him.

How the hell would you know?

Because I'm his lover.

So clever that I am filled with a narration.

That's right, Eddie.

We can't keep our love a secret any longer.

Start rolling.

We had a little fight.

I took him for granted as usual.

And he tried to make me jealous by flirting with a girl.

Yeah, but I've accepted his apology.

So why don't we just forgive and forget?

What do you take me for?

An idiot.

Sorry, I won't be able to tell you how it feels.

Don't shoot!

If we weren't lovers, would we do this?

Oh, my God.

Hey, maybe we hit on something.

Well, that explains a lot.

Isn't that the guy who blew Mr. Romano to get out of gym class?

It's enough.

I'm not going to watch this.

Yes, Eddie, that is enough.

For now, come on.

Let's continue this at home.

Did he buy it?

I don't know.

Just keep walking and put your head on my ass.

Oh, my God.

Listen, man, that stuff I said before I kissed

you about taking you for granted, I meant it, man.

You deserve better.

You saved my life, Eddie.

Not many people do what you did.

Well, you're my best friend, man.

And I love you.

Yeah, well, I love you too.

I love you too, Eddie.

You got it, Martin?

Yeah.

You can take your hand off my ass now.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Hey, fuck!

Come on!