Original subtitles

They don't. Well, I'm sure they do.

They don't! It's uplift only, I'm telling you.

Oh! Oh, hi, Michelle. Hi, Beth. Hi, Eric.

How are you doing? Are you off somewhere nice?

Er, just to the dump. Oh.

Yeah, a few bits and pieces.

A whole load of cardboard, Michelle.

Oh, right. Amazing how it builds up,isn't it?

This is the thing when you're ordering stuff online -

it all comes in boxes,

and you end up just absolutely swamped with it.

OK, Eric.

Yeah, and polystyrene too,

because of course everything in the boxes

needs to be protected.

Eric, Michelle doesn't need all the details.

I'm just telling her - she's asking us where we're going.

Yes, but she doesn't need to know everything we're taking.

Er, I'll maybe just leave you to it.

No, no, no, sorry. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine, yeah.

A bit up to my eyes with work just now, though,

but...listen, I was going to ask you,

it's pay week, and I was just thinking, do you fancy

coming over to ours on Friday night for a takeaway?

We could get, like, a Chinese or something?

Oh, sounds nice. Aye.

Say about six?

Er, I'm going to say to Colin and Cathy and Christine as well.

Well, count us in.

Great, well, I'll see you then. Enjoy your trip to the dump.

Well, he will.

Hi!

Hello, Michelle, how are you?

Och, I'm OK. So glad it's Friday.

This week's been mad. Oh!

Tell me about it. Between my good pen

disappearing down the side of the recliner,

and the batteries in my remote control needing changed,

I have been flat out.

Come on in.

All right?

Hello, Alan, how are you?

All right.

So is it Chinese we're getting in, then?

Yeah, is that all right with you?

Oh, yes, I like Chinese. Where are you getting it from?

Well, we normally get ours from the Panda Hut.

The Panda Hut?

Aye, it's really good. Have you no' had one there?

No. Where'd you go?

Thomas up at the Golden Blossom.

Oh, right. I don't know that one.

Oh, it's very authentic, Michelle.

He does kebabs as well.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh!

Excuse me a wee minute.

Oh, hello, Michelle.

Hi! Hi, Eric.

Made it to Friday, eh?

Oh, I know, thank God.

TFI.

Oh, yeah.

What?

I'm saying TFI.

Thank "mm" it's Friday.

Eh?

Thank fuck it's Friday.

Oh!

Come on in.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that's nice.

Hi, Alan.

All right? All right, Beth?

Hi, Alan.

How yous doing? Michelle said you were at the dump.

Aye, whole load of cardboard we had to take up.

It's a nightmare, in't it? It's all the packaging.

That's what I was saying to her.

Sit yourselves down, folks.

When were you at the dump?

Er...Wednesday.

Wednesday? How did you no' tell me?

We don't need to tell you every move we make, Christine.

Did you no' think I might havestuff to go up?

I mean, what about my recycling?

Sorry, Christine.

Do they take cooking oil up there, Eric?

I think so.

Oh, you can just put that down the loo, Alan.

Right, who fancies a wee drink? I know I'm ready for one.

Oh, one of those weeks, eh, Michelle?

Oh, it's crazy at the minute. The place is doing my head in.

Not even had a chance to go to thegym or anything.

Aye, and see wi' her, it goes back on fast.

Well, never mind that, it's the weekend.

What do we fancy?

Are we no' gonnae order foodfirst?

Oh, well, I just thought we'd wait until everybody else gets here.

Oh.

Have you had fae this Panda Hut before?

The Panda Hut? That's the Chinesethat we use, Beth.

Oh.You no' had fae there before,Eric?

No, I don't think so.

Honestly, it's the best.

See they ribs, oh! Loads of sauce on them.

She has to put a dishtowel over her chest

when she's eating them.

I don't think you can go wrong

wi' Thomas if it's Chinese you're having.

I'm sure they're much the same, Christine.

Oh, you've obviously never tried his scampi.

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me.

Thanks. There we go.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, Michelle.

You look nice, Cathy. Thank you, Michelle.

Absolutely everything I've got on I'm wearing for the first time.

Come on in.

My mate's just got a job up at that dump.

Oh, has he, Alan? What's he doing there?

Rubble. Oh, right.

I've got a bag of pebbles fae when I had

the tropical fish.

Do you think he might be interested in them?

Er...

Hey. How we all doing?

Hiya, Colin. Hi. Hi, Cathy.

Oh, hi, Beth.

Oh, I love that top.

That's a real favourite of yours, isn't it?

Oh, hi, Cath. Right, Michelle, that's everybody here.

Let's get this thing ordered.

Let them get in and get settled, for God's sake.

No, no, no, we can go for it. Where we getting it from?

Panda Hut.

The Panda Hut?

I know, Colin. I don't thinkwe've had it from there.

We don't really eat Chinese food.

We're more Thai.

Oh, you should try Thomas's. He does a lovely green curry.

Aye? Oh, see that wi' chips?

We're no' allowed chips with our Chinese now.

I didn't say you're not allowed them,

I just don't see why it's necessary.

So many lovely items on the menu to choose from.

All your starters, your sides, all the specialities.

Does that mean I can get them, then?

Look, we should just decide what we're doing.

We're happy to get from Alan and Michelle's place.

Honestly, Beth, you'll no' regret it.

I've only ever had the squits once off it.

Well, we'll give it a go, aye.

Aye, all right.

Where's your menu?

Oh, no, no, we'll just do it on the app.

Alan, you got your phone handy?

You'll what? Do it on the phone.

I've got Deliveroo Plus.

What does that mean?

It means he eats a lot of shit.

You don't need a paper menu, you just do it on the phone.

Oh, bloody phones.

It's getting to the point you're going to need

a six-digit code just to wipe your arse.

Honestly, Christine, it's much easier, trust me.

You want your usual? Oh, yes, please.

God, I'm so boring.

Oh, don't worry, honey, we don't mind.

Right, that's ours done.

Just tick whatever you want and hit "add".

So what you up to at the weekend then, squire?

You got. ..you got any plans?

Er, not much. Saturday's our supermarket day

so we'll go to Morrisons in the morning.

Oh, we like Morrisons, don't we?Aye.

We went in to get stuff for her sandwiches,

we ended up sitting down and having two full breakfasts, didn't we?

Good big pharmacy they've got, and their own brand

of pain relief is in a league of its own.

So what about you guys?

What are you up to this weekend?

Oh, quite busy, you know,Michelle.

Oh, yeah? What you getting up to?

Well, Colin is going to jet-wash some stuff in the garden,

and I am going to have a bath.

Beth, did you order rice?Yes.

Right, we'll just share one, then, eh?Right, OK.

You'd better have your fork at the ready, Beth,

or you'll be scraping yours aff the lid.

Oh! Oh, right.

What am I doing here?

Just tick whatever you want and hit "add".

Right.

It's just starters.

Just scroll down, you'll...

You'll get your mains and your sides.

Oh, right, right. Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

No burgers.

Thomas has still got the edgethere, then.

What about you, Michelle, got any plans?

Yeah, we've got tickets to go and see Kevin Bridges.

Oh! Oh, have you?

Oh, he's good.

Aye, he's quite good, I like him.

Who's Kevin Bridges?

You know him. He's a comedian, he's a Scottish guy.

Talks about, you know, hanging about with his mates

and how they talk to each other.

"Did ye, aye?"

Aye, that's it.

That's right. "Did ye, aye?"

And you're saying he's a comedian?

Honestly, Cathy, he's brilliant. I can't wait.

And see after the week I've had, I'm needing a laugh.

Aye, he's quite good, that Kevin Bridges,

but I'll tell you who's the best there's ever been.

Billy Connolly.

ALL: Oh!

Yes, he's the best. I love Billy Connolly.

My papa loved him. Him and Jocky Wilson.

I tell you, color="#00ff00">he is one of the best comedians

there has ever been.

What's this?

I was just saying Billy Connolly,

best stand-up there's ever been.

Oh, yes, Billy Connolly, he is funny.

I remember him and Michael Parkinson.

Do you remember Michael Parkinson, Alan?

No.

It's like Graham Norton,

except nobody was trying to flog anything

and you could smoke.

Oh, that sounds quite good,actually.

I tell you the best Connolly.

Remember An Audience With. ..on ITV?

Oh, see the bit about the incontinence pants?

I mean, that's hysterical.

That was...

Alan, did you see that? Because remember...

Remember he did the walk?

I think so, aye.

When he was like... He was like...

LAUGHTER

Why is he walking like that?

Because he had seven gallons of pish down each leg!

Actually, that's no laughing matter

for those of us who don't have full control of our pelvic floor.

Ah, they were great, those Audience Withs.

LWT, they were.

Yes, that's right.

LWT, remember, Eric?

SINGS THAMES TELEVISION THEME TUNE

No, that's...

Never mind.

Have you placed your order,Colin?

Eh? Oh, aye. There you go.

Cathy, have you ordered?

Colin, did you order a starter?

I got spring rolls.

Oh, I'll just have some of Colin's.

I'm not very hungry, Michelle.

Aww. Right, well, is that everybody?

Yeah. Aye.

Right, great. I'll just call out what we've got,

just stick your hand up when you hear yours

and hopefully we don't miss anything.

Right. Spare ribs?

Salt and chilli squid?

Chicken noodle soup?

Oh... No.

Right, I tell you what, we'll just hit send, hey?

Of course, Connolly worked in the shipyards

before he got into showbusiness.

Michelle? Michelle.

Could you make mine a large? Eric's off again.

He was an apprentice welder.

I nearly did that, but my tutor at the college

said I was better at digging.

Oh.

You don't see so many welders around these days,

which is a shame,

because my side gate's hanging by a thread.

He used to work there during the day

and then he would do the clubs at night.

I went to see him live quite a few times.

Did you? Oh, aye, aye.

He used to play all over Glasgow in the '70s.

Oh, thank Christ.

My papa had all the albums. Him and my gran

would sit and listen to them on the record player.

That used to be a big thing.

Aye, you'd sit around and listen to them with your carry-out.

You'd sit in the house and listen toa record of a comedian?

Aye, they were brilliant nights.

Really? I tell you what,

it was a proper carry-out you had as well.

No' a Chinese.

Half a dozen cans of lager and a wee quarter bottle.

Oh, that actually sounds all right.

Do you remember he color="#00ff00">used to tell all those stories

about going to partiesand everyone getting drunk?Oh!

All that stuff was just brilliant.

And then somebody would start singing.

Oh, the drunk singing was fantastic.

IMITATES BILLY CONNOLLY IMITATING DRUNKEN SINGING

COLIN JOINS IN

# On a hill far away... #

Come on, Beth, let's hear you.

Er...

IMITATES BILLY CONNOLLY IMITATING DRUNKEN SINGING

LAUGHTER

Sorry, what... What is funny about this?

It's the way he picks up on how people behave

and then exaggerates it.

Aye, exactly, there was always...

It was always good-natured as well,

it was never at anyone's expense or anything.

It's amazing just how much of his stuff you still remember.

He's the best there's ever been.

He is a legend.

I mean, I think he's the...

He's the most famous Scottish person there's ever been.

No, Sean Connery.

Well...

Or Hazel Irvine if they keep giving her the snooker.

Have you not gotyour papa's records?Eh?

Aye, somewhere. Up the stairs, I think.

Why don't you go and get them and let Eric see them?

Well, I... color="#00ff00">I widnae mind a wee look.

Here, where's this food, Michelle?

Oh, well, I think it'll be a wee while yet, Christine,

but hang on and I'll have a wee check.

What did you order, Beth?

Er, Cantonese chicken.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Mind if I try a wee bit?

No, of course. What did you order?

Oh, you won't like it.

It's in the kitchen.

What do you mean it's in the kitchen?

It says it on the app - "Order status: preparing."

God, technology, eh?

Oh, I've got one that does absolutely everything.

It tracks your steps, your calories,

units of alcohol.

Christ, that'll use up your battery.

Have you not got a smartphone, Christine?

Oh, I don't know. What have I got, Beth?

Er, she does, but she only usesthe basics.

Oh, right. Aye, it's, er,

WhatsApp, Facebook,

and the wee torch for looking in my toaster.

You should download Deliveroo, shouldn't she?

No, I will not.

I like having the menu in my hand,

then deciding what it is I want and phoning Thomas.

Though usually it's to say,"Fuck it,

"just gie me the munchy box as per, my friend."

Oh, here he is.

Right, come on, give us a wee look.

There you go.

Oh!

Oh, my God, look at that beard!

Oh, Michelle, let me see.

Oh, look at that big old fanny-tickler.

Cathy!

Check the length of his hair.

It was the '70s! Everybody had long hair.

And flares.

Oh, they were terrible for getting caught in bus doors.

Oh, my God, I was at this one.

Were you?Me and a few of my palswent to see it.

We were there color="#00ff00">the night they recorded it.

Well, stick it on, let's have a listen.

I've no' got a record player.

Oh, that's a shame.

You don't have a record player?

No. color="#00ff00"> We don't either.

We don't either.

Oh, here, color="#00ff00">you know what's on this one?

# If it wisnae for yer wellies

OTHERS JOIN IN: # Where would you be?

# You'd be in the hospital or infirmary

# Cos you would have a dose of the flu or even pleurisy

# If it wisnae for yer feet in yer wellies. #

Hey!

Michelle, Michelle.

What is it? You want a wee top-up?

No, just give me the bottle.

See, my father went straight from school

into the steelworks.

Oh, tough work, that.

Oh, aye. I mean, see on the days that he wasn't on strike,

he would come home and he was absolutely shattered.

Well, that's how it was back then. You just...

You came out of school and you more or less took

the first job you could get. Yeah.

Er, and when I left school I could not find a job.

So what did you do?

I just stopped looking.

People could spend their entire lives

just working in one factory.

40 years, Pat was sewing bras.

40 years?

Oh, my God. That's incredible.

And she never found one that fitted her properly herself.

See, Connolly could've been a welder his whole life

if it wasn't for the fact he started playing the clubs.

You can just get stuck. That's how I feel.

Oh, Michelle, is it as bad as that?

Oh, aye.She's always going on about it.

Och, I'm fed up with it,

and the thought of being stuck there my whole life...

Well, why don't you look for something a bit more exciting?

Have you got shorthand?

What I'd like to do is start my own business.

Oh! color="#00ff00"> Oh, good for you.

Doing what? Cupcakes.

Cupcakes? Yeah, like luxury cupcakes.

Personalised ones, ones for special occasions.

Yeah, but if your job's already shit,

why would you start baking cakes?

Cathy, this is Michelle's business.

I've done my research and I think there's a market for it,

and I've got a whole business plan worked out, haven't I?

Mm. Do you want to see it?

I'd love to see it, Michelle. Mm.

I tell you what, I'm hungry now.

So am I. Alan, what's your thingamy telling you now?

"Rider is on way to collect it."

Is there a wee button in that

to tell him to get a fucking move on?

Where is it?

Let me see.

Oh, yeah, here it is.

Oh! That's my logo.

Oh, "Michelle's Cupcake Company."

I designed it myself.

Oh, Eric, look at that. Oh, it's very good.

And are those ones you made yourself?

Och, no, they're just pictures

of some of the onesthat we sampled.Ah.

I've done quite a lot of the research, haven't I?

Oh, yes, you have.

Have you ever thought about bar work, Michelle?

I like these ones. Oh, yeah!

Those are the personalised ones

so you can get a little messageon the top.

Oh, let's see it.

Well, I think it's a great idea.

You should definitely go for it.

Oh...

Oh, aye.

And is it just cupcakes you're going to be doing, Michelle?

Well, yeah, the whole idea is to specialise.

Mm- hm, but what will you do

if somebody's looking for doughnuts as well?

What? color="#00ff00"> Well, that's a point.

If somebody's doing a spread,

they might want different things in it.

Er, no, but I'd be specialising in cupcakes.

Ah, but you don't want to be phoning round different places,

you know, fairy cakes fae here...

No.. .doughnuts fae there,

eclairs fae somewhere else, I mean, that's a right faff.

I says to her she should be doing something savoury as well.

Well, yes, Alan, color="#00ff00">actually that's a good point.

What about sausage rolls, Michelle?

And you could get a longer message on them.

Well, that's true.

Er, like... "Congratulations on passing your driving test."

She doesn't want to do sausage rolls!

What about pies?

Oh, I like a pie.

I tell you where you'd sell a lot of pies, the football.

Aye, but the football grounds

have got their own pie stalls.

Aye, but she could set up on the pavement across the road.

I mean, that's what business is all about,

you know, taking on the competition.

No, listen...

Get yourself a pump-action brown sauce, Michelle.

They wee sachets are a pain in the arse,

especially if you've got a tea in the other hand.

I tell you one problem you've got, though.

The name.

You cannae call it Michelle's Cupcakes.

But that's the name.

Aye, but you're doing savouries as well.

It's her business, it's up to her.

Och, it's probably a daft idea anyway.

It's not a daft idea, Michelle, don't listen to them.

I think it's great you've put so much work into this

and I think it would doreally well.

Thanks, Beth.

She'll need to toughen up if she's going to serve people

coming out the football.

DOORBELL RINGS

Alan? That'll be the Chinese, can you get it?

All right, pal?

Top man. Cheers, bud.

See you later, pal. Cheers.

Right, here it is.

Oh! color="#00ff00"> Yes!

Oh, halle-fucking-llujah.

Er, can I give you a hand with anything, Michelle?

Oh, no, no. I mean, as long aseverybody's OK

just helping themselves.

No.

There we go.

We've got... Oh!

Oh, yes.

Is...is it written on the lids,Alan?

See, Thomas always writes on the lids wi' his Sharpie.

What's that?

Right, that's rice.

Oh, aye, I'll take that, I've got one to myself.

I think that's duck.

That's me, Alan, I'll take that.

What's this?

Alan, just put them out on the table,

let everybody help themselves.

Oh, a wee rib, I might have one of them.

There we go, that's it. What else is in there?

Can I get a bit of your chicken, Beth?

Yes, of course.

There's a wee spoon there, that's fine.

There's those ribs, Colin, they're so nice.

Yeah, have some of that, please.

Spring rolls.

Here. color="#00ff00"> Oh, right.

Right.

Oh, I'm starving now.

Listen, Michelle. Yeah?

See that idea you've got for the cakes?

I think you should go for it.

Aww. Och, I don't know.

Well, look at Billy Connolly.

You should definitely think about it.

And if there's anything we can do to help...

That's so sweet of you. But listen,

I can't actually give up my job. We need the money.

See if you really want to chuck it? Just do it.

Really?

Aye, we'll be all right.

I could just work some overtime.

Alan!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Is it all right if I have these chips, then?

Actually, I'm a bit peckish now.

Beth! What have you got?

Er, Cantonese chicken. Oh, I'll just...

I'll just take a bit of that.

Thanks.

Er, is that rice?

Uh-huh. color="#00ff00"> Mm-hm.

Oh, thanks, Beth.

Mm.

Mm, Beth?

Could you get me some prawn crackers?

Yeah.

There's a wee spoon. ..There we go.

All good. Thank you.

Thanks.

Oh, yes.

I tell you, I was ready for this.

Oh, aye.

How's your spring rolls?

It's lovely, Eric.

How's yours?

Delicious. Absolutely lovely.

Mm.

Where did you say this was from again, Alan?

Panda Hut.

What do you think, Christine?

Do you know what?

It's actually not too bad.

Mm.

Not too bad at all.

Well, they're on Deliveroo if you ever fancy.

Alan can always help you put it on your phone.

Ah, no, I don't want involved with any of that.

They've got everything on it.

Greggs is on it now.

Here.

Wait till after your dinner.

Here, Alan.

You could maybe get a bit of money

for those Connolly records.

Do you think?

Oh, aye, collector's item.

Get a few quid for them.

Naw, I widnae sell them.

They remind me of my papa.

Do you know what reminds meof your papa?

Is it the smell of dog meat?

Perry Como, Magic Moments.

Oh, aye, he loved that.

That's upstairs as well.

Is it?

It's a pity you've no' got a record player

cos, you know, color="#00ff00">you could play all this stuff.

It's all on YouTube anyway.

Really? Aye?

Mm.

And would they have that Connolly album?

Aye. Probably, aye.

We've got YouTube, have we not?

Aye. Will I see if they've got it?

Mm.Yeah, put it on, why not?

GRUNTS

God, I remember that night.

There was a group of us, we were right down the front.

What a show that was.

Right, that's him in Australia,

Albert Hall.

What's it called again, Eric?

Cop Yer Whack For This.

Mm.

Oh, Cop Yer Whack For This. 1974?

Aye, that's it.

1974.

That was my first brush wi' glandular fever.

ANNOUNCER:Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Connolly!

INTRO MUSIC

Yours all right, Christine, is it?

Aye, not bad.

HECKLER SHOUTS

BILLY CONNOLLY: The Bears are here tonight!

That's us he's meaning. We were right in the front row.

No way.

Aye! Pause it, pause it a minute, Alan.

Can you go back a bit?

The Bears are here tonight!

SHOUTING

PUNTER: color="#00ff00"> Gaun yerself, Big Yin!

I think that's me.

That's me!

You're joking!

No, no, no, go back again.

The Bears are here tonight!

Gaun yerself, Big Yin!

It is! color="#00ff00">That's me, I swear it!

Did you hear it, Beth? Yes, yes, I think I did.

You should get an agent, pal.

Why sit in the dark handling yourself?

LAUGHTER

Oh!

Now that - that is funny.

Right. Just put it off, Alan.

It's no' as good as I remember.

# If it wisnae for yer wellies

# Where wid ye be?

# You'd be in the hospital or infirmary

# Cos you would have a dose of the flu or even pleurisy

# If you didnae have yer feet in yer wellies... #

That's the chorus. I want you to sing it with gusto.

I want you to leap into it in a mood of gay abandon.

Gasping on the floor, paroxysms of mirth.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0