All language subtitles for Two Doors Down s07e00 Christmas Special

You got it? Yep.

Are you sure you're OK?

It's quite heavy. I'm fine.

Listen, I'm just thinking.

Shall we get the Christmas tree down
while I'm up here? Yes, all right. I

suppose we could.

Right. I'll pass it down to you. Ready?

Give me a minute.

Just watch yourself with it.

Yes, all right, Eric. I'm not totally
useless.

Is it OK?

Yep, all fine.

Do you not think it's a bit early to put
it up? I mean, it's not even December

yet. It's fine. Who's got any notice?

Christine, that's me definitely going.

Going where?

To Ireland.

For God's sake, Beth, do not listen to a
thing I tell you. Of course I do. We're

in the middle of a big clear -out and
I'm just a wee bit busy. Right, OK.

I'll come in and I'll talk you through
the arrangements.

But I cannot stay long.

Right.

Are you putting your Christmas tree up?

It's a bit early, is it not?

Yes, well, we were up in the loft
anyway, so we just thought we might as

Oh, you see, I always follow what the
church does, and they put it up 12 days

before. No, you're thinking a 12th
night.

That's when you take it down.

Yes, the church puts theirs up on the
first Sunday of December.

Do they?

Well, that's awful early.

I think I'll have to have a word with
Father Haggerty about that.

I don't think it was ever up that early
on Father Kowalski's day much.

He really was a religious man.

Where is it he is now?

B &Q in its hill.

But I don't think I'll bother putting up
a tree this year. What with me not

being here. What's this?

I'm going to visit my cousin Dervla in
Ireland for Christmas, Eric.

Oh, it's fantastic that they made
contact with you.

Oh, I know, Beth.

And do you think if Dervla hadn't sent
that saliva sample off to Ancestry

.com... We might never have known that
we were related.

Imagine if she'd had a dry mouth that
day.

And whereabouts are they?

County Galway, Eric.

I got the train to Stranraer, ferry to
Larne, a bus into Belfast and then coach

down to Galway. Oh, but you had trekked
that.

So, will it be Derval's whole family?

Oh, yes.

Her husband, Owen, now he's got his own
plumbing business, so I will be looking

forward to a bath.

That's definitely on the list. And then
there's her twin girls, Maeve and Aoife.

It'll be nice to meet them.

Cos they're actually my... What is it?
My first cousins?

No, no, no. Second.

Oh, aye. I'm forgetting they're twins.

Well... You'll have a great time, I'm
sure.

Oh, I hope so, Eric. I must say, I'm
looking forward to it.

Although it will be strange not being at
home on Christmas Day.

I know you're always keen to have me in
here, Beth, so I do feel a bit guilty

that I might be letting you down.

Are you sure you're OK with me going?

You're all right. You'll be fine.

Well, I think it's time we got down to
discussing what bag I'm taking, eh? Ah,

well, the thing is, Christine...

Oh, who's this interruptness?

I know you've got your Christmas tree up
already, has it, Beth?

Beth? Well, it's a bit early, is it not?
Well, we were up in the loft. Do you

know, just let her do it, Col.

It'll brighten up that dingy front room.

I suppose so.

It's OK, Beth, that's fine.

If it gives you something to look
forward to, that's OK.

Should we go in and see it?

She'll be put out if we don't. Do you
know what she'd like?

Right. We'll just come in for a minute
and see it, Beth.

Apparently, the cooked breakfast on
board the Stena line are excellent.

Irene up the high flats told me they
serve a black pudding that is

illegal on dry land.

Ah, here he is. We else here helping you
paint your tree up, Beth.

He's far too big for an elf call.

On there, Christine.

How you doing?

Oh, not bad, Colin.

That is me all booked up for Ireland for
Christmas.

You're going to Ireland for Christmas,
are you? Oh, yes. I'm staying with my

cousin Devla in Galway.

Oh, that's nice.

You're not going to be here, Christine.

You'll be having a bit of the black
stuff over there, eh?

Remember, we went to the Guinness
factory when we were in Dublin, Kath.

Oh, God, that place. Oh, I will not be
going back there. Oh.

Why not?

Well, they serve fucking Guinness.

So is this you getting all set for
Christmas, then? What's the plan?

Oh, well, nothing special.

It's just the two of us, so just, you
know, traditional.

Traditional? Well, you've not made a
very good start putting your tree up

fucking early.

And what about you two? Do you know what
you're doing? We're going to that same

hotel again on Christmas Day because we
quite like it, don't we?

It's really festive how they decorate it
all. And you get steak instead of

turkey, a cocktail instead of Christmas
food and there's a massive smoking

section out by the nativity.

The problem we've got is we don't know
what presents to get.

Well, I'm fine just with money.

No, I mean for each other.

Yeah, we're not getting you anything,
Eric.

See, we've already got everything,
haven't we? Oh, poor you, right enough.

I always get calling pants for
Christmas, but I can't get any more in

drawer. No. And you can't exactly take
the old ones to the charity shop, can

you? No, they don't take them.

Well, certainly the British Heart
Foundation don't. Though Irene did tell

about a website where there seems to be
quite a lot of interest.

We were just... Going up to the charity
shop once we'd finished the tree.

Are you getting yourself something,
Beth?

Well, it is finished, really, apart from
turning on the lights. OK, then.

Let's see the big switch on.

Come on, Eric.

Up off your fat arse.

Here, Beth.

This reminds me of that time we saw
Marty Perlow switch on the lights in

Bank. Do you remember that, Beth? I do.

I'm not actually sure whether he was on
the heroin at that point, cos we were

quite far back, you know.

Right, we all ready?

Aye. Yeah.

Come on, Eric.

I would, you know, you can always stop
by the dump as well.

I don't know how much longer I'm going
to manage getting in and out of this

seat, Alan.

You want to start going in the back?

No, I mean, you might need to get a card
or get on my insurance or something.

Aye, right, right. I'm really starting
to struggle on the stairs as well.

You maybe chopped the gym too soon.

Look, Beth's got a Christmas tree up.

Do you think we should go over and say a
wee quick hello and see it?

We've got a nice picture of us in front
of the Oscar Wilde statue in Dublin,

haven't we? Aye.

Oh, you know, my favourite quote of his
is when he was going through customs in

America and he said, I have nothing to
declare but my genius.

Well, I prefer the statue of Morley
Malone.

You go up, rubber tits brings you luck.

Oh, for God's sake.

It did as well.

We went to Temple Bar after that. We
didn't get hassled by one beggar.

I'll go.

Oh, hello, you two. Or should that be
two and a half?

She's some size new, ain't she, Eric?

Train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne, bus
to Belfast, coach to Galway. My God, I

need a flight to Switzerland after that.

That's a proper Irish road trip, that.

It is, Colin. But, you know, I now feel
I've got a really deep connection to

Ireland now that I know for sure that
I've got Irish blood in me. If you're

going to Galway, would you know we'd
better fly into Shannon?

There's that.

Oh, hi, Michelle.

Hi, Alan.

Hi.

Hello, everyone.

Sorry to disappear at your door, Beth.

Don't worry about that. No -one else
does.

How are you, Michelle?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm tired all the time.

Oh, yeah, you do look really knackered.

Come and sit down, Michelle.

Come on, pet.

There we go.

Sit down, yeah.

Is you all there?

Everything all right?

Aye, all right.

Just back from the garage with Yvonne.
Oh, no.

Something wrong with her?

Somebody ran into the back of me, Eric.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Were you eating a sausage roll while you
were driving, Alan?

No, I was coming off the motorway to go
through the tunnel and it was a wee jam,

so I had to slow right down. Next thing
I know, somebody's ran into the back of

me.

They'd be on their phone, no doubt.

Aye, and see the force of it? Mine flew
right out of my hand under the seat.

They took their time fixing it at the
garage, didn't they?

Alan was late picking me up from my
antenatal class.

Oh, no.

That's fine, Beth. You can't see the
dent at all.

So, anyway, how are you guys doing? How
is Ian?

Oh, he's fine.

He's coming over to have a look through
his old stuff before we junk it.

Are you trying to get rid of every trace
of him, Eric?

Have you any baby stuff, Eric? Because
maybe Alan and Michelle might want that.

I remember she used to have him in a lot
of brown, Michelle.

Eric, it's fine. I've ordered loads of
stuff already, actually.

You know, the wee baby grows and the
jammies and the wee onesies.

They're just all so cute, aren't they?

Oh, they are, Michelle.

Well, until they soil them.

Have you made any decisions on names,
Michelle?

No, because we still can't seem to agree
on anything, can we?

But if it's a boy, I like the name
Lewis.

Good Scottish name, that.

I don't think it says a bit that loose,
though, Eric.

I mean, you're definitely sure you don't
want to find out what you're having,

Michelle. I mean, that would make it a
bit easier.

No, I just don't want to know.

No, I'm not that interested either,
Michelle.

Can I get you a tea or a glass of water
or something?

I'd take a water off you if it's not too
much trouble, Beth.

What about the rest of us, Beth?

Have you got any minced pies?

We could have a tin of mince pie, I
believe.

Well, the thing is... A tin of mince
pie? I wouldn't say no.

Off to the season.

I fucking hate mince pies.

Have you got the ones with the brandy in
them, Beth?

I'll take one of them, though.

No, you see... You know, I love the ones
with all the cream on the top. Oh, have

you tried them?

Oh, I like the sound of them. Have you
got any of them, Beth?

I haven't got any mince pies.

Oh.

You can't... invite us all in here
saying it's the start of Christmas and

very Christmas stuff, isn't it? We
didn't do that. You've got your tree up,

Eric. You know, that sends a message.

It's like the swing of pampas grass.

Yes, Eric.

Shut your face.

Is that really a thing, that, the pampas
grass?

I thought it was just like one of those
things folks say. Oh, no, no, no, no.

There's a couple round the new bulbs
that had it and they were very, very

active.

Apparently.

Beth, don't worry about the water,
actually. I'm fine.

Aye, and it makes the baby kick, then
she goes on about it. Don't be daft. Of

course I'll get you a glass of water,
and I'm happy to do teas and coffees for

anyone who's wanting. I just don't have
any mince pies.

I mean, we were just clearing out the
loft, not declaring that it was

Christmas. I mean, I'd like to have the
power to do that, but I'm afraid I

don't. OK?

Beth, you don't even have a wee tub of
celebrations done nothing, no?

Bit early with the tree, are you not?

What, is it just feeling Christmassy? I
wish we'd never bothered, to be honest.

Quality seat is what I used to get when
it was just Sophie and me, you know?

Oh, the green ones were my favourite.

I used to love them.

No, I'm not a bit Sophie. What one's my
house?

Oh, the other one.

All right.

Not like you to have a house full.

Hiya, son.

Hi, Ian. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Colin. Hi, Kathy.

How you doing, Ian?

Oh, I'm fine.

How are you guys? Everything OK?

Yeah. No, really, Ian. Somebody went
into the back of my van.

Oh, no.

I know. I'll just get it back today.

You weren't in it at the time, were you?
No.

Oh, well, it could have been worse.

You're saying that, but that was two
full days it was after all.

Anyway, how are you doing, Ian? How's
Gordon?

Aye, good. He's coming over here to meet
me after college.

Oh, is he still enjoying it?

Oh, aye, he's loving it.

I'm not loving being the only one
earning, though.

And you'll be on a very poor wage as
that, is he, Ian?

Why did he pack his job in for anyway,
Ian?

I basically just wasn't happy.

You see, this is the new thing, isn't
it? You don't like something, you just

stop doing it. Never used to be like
that.

You just kept going, that was your lot.
You just had to accept it. Like you with

Eric, Beth.

Right, listen.

You want to look through this stuff from
the loft before we throw it out?

All right, now.

Okay,

where is it? I'll go and get it.

So, what are you and Gordon up to for
Christmas, then?

Oh, just having a quiet one, to be
honest.

We did invite them, but they said no.

Oh, what a thing. It had sort of taken
over everything at the minute.

What's it on?

That's the thing. He can't make up his
mind.

Do you think he's quite a weak person,
Ian?

We get rid of a lot of other stuff, but
we weren't sure whether he'd want to

keep any of this.

God, my old laptop.

I remember the year you got me this.

I remember going to Curry's out at
Renfrew to get it. Oh, that is a nice

that me and Pat went there to get Sophie
her Game Boy. That was a big present

that year.

Did they get her one?

No, they were sold out. So I just got
her a lady save instead.

And if I remember right, I think Pat got
some Hoover bags.

God, I can remember taking the wrapping
off it. And straight upstairs and onto

the porn, eh, Ian?

Ian, gay porn on Christmas Day.

We didn't want to just throw it out.

No, no, no. He could have some good
stuff in it, Eric.

Look, I'll take that, but you can get
rid of the rest.

Oh, are you sure? That hat and scarf set
was a present as well. I don't think

you've ever worn them. Ian.

He was always a very ungrateful wee boy,
Michelle.

I remember I gave him a banana once and
he just threw it behind the hut.

You'll need to get your mum something
decent for that this year, Ian, to make

for that.

Just get her a bottle of rosé, Ian.
That's what we do. She always seems

genuinely quite happy.

Sorry, Mum.

I'll take those as well.

Oh, well, if you're sure.

And if you don't like them, maybe Gordon
will.

Yeah, he's got no fashion sense at all,
Ian.

I still don't understand how he's
starting college at his age. I mean, is

too old?

He's a mature student.

Yeah, exactly.

He's a mature student.

Hello.

How's it going?

Are we going just now, or am I coming
in? No, I'm coming in. Right -o.

I get the train to Stranraer, ferry to
Larne, bus to Belfast, coach down to

Galway. That's a hootier trip, that.

Alan, it's a fair way, Alan, but when it
is family, it is worth all the effort.

Quite right.

And, you know, you'll be like Santa
coming down from the North Pole to your

sack of Christmas presents.

I'll no need to buy them all presents,
will I?

Hi, Gordon.

Oh, hiya, Gordon.

Gordon, what's that you've got on your
head?

Oh, it's my helmet. I came on my
scooter.

You came here by scooter?

Yeah, I'll be one of those e -scooters.

I fancy one myself.

Is that an e -scooter you've got,
Gordon?

No, it's just a regular one.

Come here a minute.

That's you. It was sticking up a bit.

So how's your course going, Gordon?

Yeah, good, yeah.

What is it you're studying again?

Sociology and literature.

Oh, right.

You're not bothered about getting a job
after, are you?

Ian says you've got an assignment to do.

Oh, yeah.

I haven't made up my mind what to do it
on yet. It's meant to be something on

cultural change, but it's such a big
subject.

Oh, God, yeah?

What about Emma Dale going on to
YouTube?

I don't think that's the sort of thing
Gordon's studying on his course,

Christine.

So it's literature you're doing, is it?

Tell you a good book.

What's that one I read on holiday?

Oh, fuck that.

You wouldn't put that down. He was
reading it in bed.

I know. I got right into it, so I did. I
know what it was. It was Duncan

Bannatyne's Autobiography. You read
that, Gordon?

No. What about Maeve Binchy? You read
any of hers?

All set in Ireland.

They're not doing Maeve Binchy books in
the literature course.

I know. There's fucking tons of them.

I see you've got your Christmas tree up
in his bed.

Well, it's awful early, is it not,
Gordon? You've not got yours up, have

Well, no.

It's all so shit.

Look at the state of it.

It'll look great when you've got the
rest of the decorations up.

You're not saying this is it, are you?

Well, we were having a clear out and
there was decorations there that we'd

for years.

They were a bit tatty.

If you throw everything tatty, you're
not going to have anything left.

Oh, Beth, we've got absolutely loads of
Christmas decorations if you want some,

haven't we, Alan? Aye. She can't go past
them in a coat without buying them.

It's the same with toilet rolls.

We've got hundreds of them.

I know. That's very kind, Michelle.

Look, we've got piles of old ones as
well.

Aye, you could always have mine, Beth,
since I'm going to be in Ireland.

Alan, are we going to get some for Beth
and Eric?

Michelle, no, we... Honestly, Eric, it's
fine. We've got way more than we've got

room to put up, so... Come on, Eric,
it's fucking miserable in here.

Are we ready?

Yes.

Yay!

That's proper Christmassy now, isn't it?

Well, not till we get a bottle open.

What about you boys?

Shh, won't tell anyone you're driving
your scooter drunk, Gordon.

Yeah, I'll take one. Is this OK with
you, Michelle?

Oh, yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll just
stick to my water.

Did you not realise that being pregnant
was going to be really boring, Michelle?

Is it OK if I have a lager?

Of course it is, Alan.

Are you just saying that now and you'll
give me a row later?

Or do you really mean it?

I think I've got a bottle of fizz in the
fridge.

Woo! You know, and I think it feels like
Christmas is coming when you hear the

Christmas songs on the radio.

Yeah, I love Christmas songs.

Eric, have you got that Christmas album?

I think I do.

As long as you haven't thrown it out.

Yes, Eric, you big...

Stupid donkey.

So when is it you're off to Ireland,
Christine?

Oh, not until the 21st, Michelle.

Oh, God, it's just so exciting. You're
going to have such a brilliant time. We

loved Dublin, didn't we?

We were saying earlier, Alan, that the
Guinness that you get in the Guinness

factory isn't like anywhere else.

It's 20 fucking euro.

Oh!

Right, everyone want one?

Thank you.

Sorry, Michelle.

Oh, Beth, don't worry, I'm fine. I like
my water.

It's all right, Michelle.

You can get pissed again once the baby's
here.

Well, this is a bit more like it, eh?

Cheers, everybody.

Cheers.

Here,

Beth, could you go and get me that wee
glass that I like? I don't like the way

this one feels in my hand.

Yeah, I hope you won't be so fussed over
in Ireland, Christine, or they'll send

you back.

Dad, stick it on to the next song.

I can't be bothered, but this one goes
on for ages.

Oh, no, no, no, Carl. No, no, no, I hate
this one. Get it off. She hates this.

Why do you not like it, Kathy?

I don't like the sound of children
singing, Gordon.

Now this, this is a classic.

Oh, does this one not do your head in?

Would you not like it, Alan? It's all
right, but you hear it everywhere you

don't you? It is a bit ubiquitous, yes.

I'll tell you one you hear everywhere.

Band -Aid. Oh, it was amazing what they
did with that.

Yes.

Although there is a bit of a backlash
against it now.

Against Band -Aid?

Is it because Bono's a wank?

Alan. It is, but it's just... They think
it maybe did more harm than good, cos

it made people feel they'd solved the
problem of global inequality, when in

actual fact it's worsened with the
impact of climate change.

Plus there's the whole white saviour
thing, which is quite toxic as well.

Oh, I didn't realise it was so
controversial.

Well, it's an interesting debate. I
personally think that... This is the

one ever.

Oh, I do like this.

What is it?

The Pogues.

Shane McGowan.

Always pissed?

Oh, him, yes.

Here's a couple of names for you,
Michelle.

What? Well, Shane for a boy or Kirsty
for a girl. Oh, a good Irish name, that,

Michelle. Shane.

Actually, I quite like those.

Aye. Wee Shane Edgar.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Or Kirsty.

Aye, that's all right and all.

You're Christine.

This is the one where the choir's
singing Galway Bay. That's where you'll

Christmas. Oh, yes, so it is.

Christine, it's just going to feel
really weird, you being away at your

for Christmas.

Beth.

Do you think it's going to be OK?

What do you mean?

Me going to death, Liz.

Oh, just I know that.

Sometimes I can be a wee bit demanding.

Oh, Christine.

What if they end up wishing they'd never
made contact with me and can't wait to

see the back of us? You're going to have
a wonderful time.

Christmas is for families, and they're
your family.

They're going to be thrilled you're
there.

Do you think so? Yes.

Yes, they...

You know how I'm getting the train to
Stranraer and then getting the ferry,

Train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne, bus
to Belfast and coach to Galway.

You OK to give me a lift into the
station?

Yes. You OK there, Gordon?

Any problem with this song?

Well, it depends which version it is.

What? Well, there's a word in the song
that's quite offensive, so... What word?

Well, I don't really want to say it.

I think I know what it is. What is it,
Beth? Is it scumbag?

What is wrong with scumbag?

It rhymes with maggot. It rhymes with
maggot? Maybe just forward on to the

one. What rhymes with maggot? I know, I
know!

What is it?

It begins with an F, Christine.

Fuck with it.

Look, maybe just put it off, Dad.

What is it?

What's wrong with that?

It's quite offensive, especially to gay
people. I thought it was booster was the

one he didn't like.

Against the point, you can't say
anything without offending someone.

Oh, here we go.

Well, it's ridiculous.

I mean, you can't even have a bit of
homophobic swearing in a Christmas song

anymore.

I think it's more we're just becoming
more aware of how the things we say

on other people and a recognition that
some terms that were once in common

were in fact offensive.

Frankly. We should probably make a move.

What other words can we not say, Gordon?

Well, it's not up to me.

What about fanny?

If someone was to call you a silly
fanny, would you be offended by that?

Kathy. Well, I wouldn't really be
offended, but, I mean, if we're going to

into it, I don't really think anyone
should be using a female body part as an

insult. Does that mean that you cannae
say... What about dick?

Can you still call someone a dick?
That's less bad.

Oh, thank God for that.

I see that quite a lot, don't I? I may
as well.

Why is dick not as bad, Gordon?

Well, it's that men have historically
been the dominant gender.

What about wanker, Gordon?

Because technically that's either, isn't
it?

Arsehole. You know, we've all got one of
those.

And where would the gays be without
them?

Oh.

I really think we should head.

You know what I think, Gordon?

What?

I think you should do your assignment
on...

All of this.

Language and all that.

How it's changed.

You really know what you're talking
about.

I don't think that's... I can't really
see how that would...

Actually, that's a really good idea.

Don't forget your hat and scarf.

Ah, yeah.

See about that.

Do you mind if we don't do presents this
year?

Right? Yeah, it's just we're a bit skint
this year with me being at college.

Is that why you're not coming over on
Christmas Day?

Kind of, yeah.

Do not worry about presents, but come
over for dinner. We'd love to have you.

Right, OK.

Thank you. Cheers, Mum.

Um, no hugs for me, Gordon.

That's a nice tissue as well.

Bye, Ian.

Oh!

Is that your scooter, Gordon?

Yeah. Oh!

I just called like one of those. Oh, my
God, I could get him one for his

Christmas. Call!

Call! Come and get a look at Gordon's
scooter!

What's happening?

I think Col has got to have a Gordon
Gordon scooter.

Oh, I'd quite like to see that.

I haven't been in one of these for
years.

Go on, Col.

Whee! Woo!

Oh, my fucking van!

And there's loads more. Two doors down
on iPlayer. Press red to watch now.

It's Michael McIntyre's Christmas wheel
with a twist for the big day. Three

celebs playing for charity.

Richard Osman, Mel Gedroich and Paddy
McGuinness. Tomorrow, 6 .45.