Original subtitles

You got it? Yep.

Are you sure you're OK?

It's quite heavy. I'm fine.

Listen, I'm just thinking.

Shall we get the Christmas tree down while I'm up here? Yes, all right. I

suppose we could.

Right. I'll pass it down to you. Ready?

Give me a minute.

Just watch yourself with it.

Yes, all right, Eric. I'm not totally useless.

Is it OK?

Yep, all fine.

Do you not think it's a bit early to put it up? I mean, it's not even December

yet. It's fine. Who's got any notice?

Christine, that's me definitely going.

Going where?

To Ireland.

For God's sake, Beth, do not listen to a thing I tell you. Of course I do. We're

in the middle of a big clear -out and I'm just a wee bit busy. Right, OK.

I'll come in and I'll talk you through the arrangements.

But I cannot stay long.

Right.

Are you putting your Christmas tree up?

It's a bit early, is it not?

Yes, well, we were up in the loft anyway, so we just thought we might as

Oh, you see, I always follow what the church does, and they put it up 12 days

before. No, you're thinking a 12th night.

That's when you take it down.

Yes, the church puts theirs up on the first Sunday of December.

Do they?

Well, that's awful early.

I think I'll have to have a word with Father Haggerty about that.

I don't think it was ever up that early on Father Kowalski's day much.

He really was a religious man.

Where is it he is now?

B &Q in its hill.

But I don't think I'll bother putting up a tree this year. What with me not

being here. What's this?

I'm going to visit my cousin Dervla in Ireland for Christmas, Eric.

Oh, it's fantastic that they made contact with you.

Oh, I know, Beth.

And do you think if Dervla hadn't sent that saliva sample off to Ancestry

.com... We might never have known that we were related.

Imagine if she'd had a dry mouth that day.

And whereabouts are they?

County Galway, Eric.

I got the train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne, a bus into Belfast and then coach

down to Galway. Oh, but you had trekked that.

So, will it be Derval's whole family?

Oh, yes.

Her husband, Owen, now he's got his own plumbing business, so I will be looking

forward to a bath.

That's definitely on the list. And then there's her twin girls, Maeve and Aoife.

It'll be nice to meet them.

Cos they're actually my... What is it? My first cousins?

No, no, no. Second.

Oh, aye. I'm forgetting they're twins.

Well... You'll have a great time, I'm sure.

Oh, I hope so, Eric. I must say, I'm looking forward to it.

Although it will be strange not being at home on Christmas Day.

I know you're always keen to have me in here, Beth, so I do feel a bit guilty

that I might be letting you down.

Are you sure you're OK with me going?

You're all right. You'll be fine.

Well, I think it's time we got down to discussing what bag I'm taking, eh? Ah,

well, the thing is, Christine...

Oh, who's this interruptness?

I know you've got your Christmas tree up already, has it, Beth?

Beth? Well, it's a bit early, is it not? Well, we were up in the loft. Do you

know, just let her do it, Col.

It'll brighten up that dingy front room.

I suppose so.

It's OK, Beth, that's fine.

If it gives you something to look forward to, that's OK.

Should we go in and see it?

She'll be put out if we don't. Do you know what she'd like?

Right. We'll just come in for a minute and see it, Beth.

Apparently, the cooked breakfast on board the Stena line are excellent.

Irene up the high flats told me they serve a black pudding that is

illegal on dry land.

Ah, here he is. We else here helping you paint your tree up, Beth.

He's far too big for an elf call.

On there, Christine.

How you doing?

Oh, not bad, Colin.

That is me all booked up for Ireland for Christmas.

You're going to Ireland for Christmas, are you? Oh, yes. I'm staying with my

cousin Devla in Galway.

Oh, that's nice.

You're not going to be here, Christine.

You'll be having a bit of the black stuff over there, eh?

Remember, we went to the Guinness factory when we were in Dublin, Kath.

Oh, God, that place. Oh, I will not be going back there. Oh.

Why not?

Well, they serve fucking Guinness.

So is this you getting all set for Christmas, then? What's the plan?

Oh, well, nothing special.

It's just the two of us, so just, you know, traditional.

Traditional? Well, you've not made a very good start putting your tree up

fucking early.

And what about you two? Do you know what you're doing? We're going to that same

hotel again on Christmas Day because we quite like it, don't we?

It's really festive how they decorate it all. And you get steak instead of

turkey, a cocktail instead of Christmas food and there's a massive smoking

section out by the nativity.

The problem we've got is we don't know what presents to get.

Well, I'm fine just with money.

No, I mean for each other.

Yeah, we're not getting you anything, Eric.

See, we've already got everything, haven't we? Oh, poor you, right enough.

I always get calling pants for Christmas, but I can't get any more in

drawer. No. And you can't exactly take the old ones to the charity shop, can

you? No, they don't take them.

Well, certainly the British Heart Foundation don't. Though Irene did tell

about a website where there seems to be quite a lot of interest.

We were just... Going up to the charity shop once we'd finished the tree.

Are you getting yourself something, Beth?

Well, it is finished, really, apart from turning on the lights. OK, then.

Let's see the big switch on.

Come on, Eric.

Up off your fat arse.

Here, Beth.

This reminds me of that time we saw Marty Perlow switch on the lights in

Bank. Do you remember that, Beth? I do.

I'm not actually sure whether he was on the heroin at that point, cos we were

quite far back, you know.

Right, we all ready?

Aye. Yeah.

Come on, Eric.

I would, you know, you can always stop by the dump as well.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to manage getting in and out of this

seat, Alan.

You want to start going in the back?

No, I mean, you might need to get a card or get on my insurance or something.

Aye, right, right. I'm really starting to struggle on the stairs as well.

You maybe chopped the gym too soon.

Look, Beth's got a Christmas tree up.

Do you think we should go over and say a wee quick hello and see it?

We've got a nice picture of us in front of the Oscar Wilde statue in Dublin,

haven't we? Aye.

Oh, you know, my favourite quote of his is when he was going through customs in

America and he said, I have nothing to declare but my genius.

Well, I prefer the statue of Morley Malone.

You go up, rubber tits brings you luck.

Oh, for God's sake.

It did as well.

We went to Temple Bar after that. We didn't get hassled by one beggar.

I'll go.

Oh, hello, you two. Or should that be two and a half?

She's some size new, ain't she, Eric?

Train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne, bus to Belfast, coach to Galway. My God, I

need a flight to Switzerland after that.

That's a proper Irish road trip, that.

It is, Colin. But, you know, I now feel I've got a really deep connection to

Ireland now that I know for sure that I've got Irish blood in me. If you're

going to Galway, would you know we'd better fly into Shannon?

There's that.

Oh, hi, Michelle.

Hi, Alan.

Hi.

Hello, everyone.

Sorry to disappear at your door, Beth.

Don't worry about that. No -one else does.

How are you, Michelle?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm tired all the time.

Oh, yeah, you do look really knackered.

Come and sit down, Michelle.

Come on, pet.

There we go.

Sit down, yeah.

Is you all there?

Everything all right?

Aye, all right.

Just back from the garage with Yvonne. Oh, no.

Something wrong with her?

Somebody ran into the back of me, Eric.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Were you eating a sausage roll while you were driving, Alan?

No, I was coming off the motorway to go through the tunnel and it was a wee jam,

so I had to slow right down. Next thing I know, somebody's ran into the back of

me.

They'd be on their phone, no doubt.

Aye, and see the force of it? Mine flew right out of my hand under the seat.

They took their time fixing it at the garage, didn't they?

Alan was late picking me up from my antenatal class.

Oh, no.

That's fine, Beth. You can't see the dent at all.

So, anyway, how are you guys doing? How is Ian?

Oh, he's fine.

He's coming over to have a look through his old stuff before we junk it.

Are you trying to get rid of every trace of him, Eric?

Have you any baby stuff, Eric? Because maybe Alan and Michelle might want that.

I remember she used to have him in a lot of brown, Michelle.

Eric, it's fine. I've ordered loads of stuff already, actually.

You know, the wee baby grows and the jammies and the wee onesies.

They're just all so cute, aren't they?

Oh, they are, Michelle.

Well, until they soil them.

Have you made any decisions on names, Michelle?

No, because we still can't seem to agree on anything, can we?

But if it's a boy, I like the name Lewis.

Good Scottish name, that.

I don't think it says a bit that loose, though, Eric.

I mean, you're definitely sure you don't want to find out what you're having,

Michelle. I mean, that would make it a bit easier.

No, I just don't want to know.

No, I'm not that interested either, Michelle.

Can I get you a tea or a glass of water or something?

I'd take a water off you if it's not too much trouble, Beth.

What about the rest of us, Beth?

Have you got any minced pies?

We could have a tin of mince pie, I believe.

Well, the thing is... A tin of mince pie? I wouldn't say no.

Off to the season.

I fucking hate mince pies.

Have you got the ones with the brandy in them, Beth?

I'll take one of them, though.

No, you see... You know, I love the ones with all the cream on the top. Oh, have

you tried them?

Oh, I like the sound of them. Have you got any of them, Beth?

I haven't got any mince pies.

Oh.

You can't... invite us all in here saying it's the start of Christmas and

very Christmas stuff, isn't it? We didn't do that. You've got your tree up,

Eric. You know, that sends a message.

It's like the swing of pampas grass.

Yes, Eric.

Shut your face.

Is that really a thing, that, the pampas grass?

I thought it was just like one of those things folks say. Oh, no, no, no, no.

There's a couple round the new bulbs that had it and they were very, very

active.

Apparently.

Beth, don't worry about the water, actually. I'm fine.

Aye, and it makes the baby kick, then she goes on about it. Don't be daft. Of

course I'll get you a glass of water, and I'm happy to do teas and coffees for

anyone who's wanting. I just don't have any mince pies.

I mean, we were just clearing out the loft, not declaring that it was

Christmas. I mean, I'd like to have the power to do that, but I'm afraid I

don't. OK?

Beth, you don't even have a wee tub of celebrations done nothing, no?

Bit early with the tree, are you not?

What, is it just feeling Christmassy? I wish we'd never bothered, to be honest.

Quality seat is what I used to get when it was just Sophie and me, you know?

Oh, the green ones were my favourite.

I used to love them.

No, I'm not a bit Sophie. What one's my house?

Oh, the other one.

All right.

Not like you to have a house full.

Hiya, son.

Hi, Ian. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Colin. Hi, Kathy.

How you doing, Ian?

Oh, I'm fine.

How are you guys? Everything OK?

Yeah. No, really, Ian. Somebody went into the back of my van.

Oh, no.

I know. I'll just get it back today.

You weren't in it at the time, were you? No.

Oh, well, it could have been worse.

You're saying that, but that was two full days it was after all.

Anyway, how are you doing, Ian? How's Gordon?

Aye, good. He's coming over here to meet me after college.

Oh, is he still enjoying it?

Oh, aye, he's loving it.

I'm not loving being the only one earning, though.

And you'll be on a very poor wage as that, is he, Ian?

Why did he pack his job in for anyway, Ian?

I basically just wasn't happy.

You see, this is the new thing, isn't it? You don't like something, you just

stop doing it. Never used to be like that.

You just kept going, that was your lot. You just had to accept it. Like you with

Eric, Beth.

Right, listen.

You want to look through this stuff from the loft before we throw it out?

All right, now.

Okay,

where is it? I'll go and get it.

So, what are you and Gordon up to for Christmas, then?

Oh, just having a quiet one, to be honest.

We did invite them, but they said no.

Oh, what a thing. It had sort of taken over everything at the minute.

What's it on?

That's the thing. He can't make up his mind.

Do you think he's quite a weak person, Ian?

We get rid of a lot of other stuff, but we weren't sure whether he'd want to

keep any of this.

God, my old laptop.

I remember the year you got me this.

I remember going to Curry's out at Renfrew to get it. Oh, that is a nice

that me and Pat went there to get Sophie her Game Boy. That was a big present

that year.

Did they get her one?

No, they were sold out. So I just got her a lady save instead.

And if I remember right, I think Pat got some Hoover bags.

God, I can remember taking the wrapping off it. And straight upstairs and onto

the porn, eh, Ian?

Ian, gay porn on Christmas Day.

We didn't want to just throw it out.

No, no, no. He could have some good stuff in it, Eric.

Look, I'll take that, but you can get rid of the rest.

Oh, are you sure? That hat and scarf set was a present as well. I don't think

you've ever worn them. Ian.

He was always a very ungrateful wee boy, Michelle.

I remember I gave him a banana once and he just threw it behind the hut.

You'll need to get your mum something decent for that this year, Ian, to make

for that.

Just get her a bottle of rosé, Ian. That's what we do. She always seems

genuinely quite happy.

Sorry, Mum.

I'll take those as well.

Oh, well, if you're sure.

And if you don't like them, maybe Gordon will.

Yeah, he's got no fashion sense at all, Ian.

I still don't understand how he's starting college at his age. I mean, is

too old?

He's a mature student.

Yeah, exactly.

He's a mature student.

Hello.

How's it going?

Are we going just now, or am I coming in? No, I'm coming in. Right -o.

I get the train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne, bus to Belfast, coach down to

Galway. That's a hootier trip, that.

Alan, it's a fair way, Alan, but when it is family, it is worth all the effort.

Quite right.

And, you know, you'll be like Santa coming down from the North Pole to your

sack of Christmas presents.

I'll no need to buy them all presents, will I?

Hi, Gordon.

Oh, hiya, Gordon.

Gordon, what's that you've got on your head?

Oh, it's my helmet. I came on my scooter.

You came here by scooter?

Yeah, I'll be one of those e -scooters.

I fancy one myself.

Is that an e -scooter you've got, Gordon?

No, it's just a regular one.

Come here a minute.

That's you. It was sticking up a bit.

So how's your course going, Gordon?

Yeah, good, yeah.

What is it you're studying again?

Sociology and literature.

Oh, right.

You're not bothered about getting a job after, are you?

Ian says you've got an assignment to do.

Oh, yeah.

I haven't made up my mind what to do it on yet. It's meant to be something on

cultural change, but it's such a big subject.

Oh, God, yeah?

What about Emma Dale going on to YouTube?

I don't think that's the sort of thing Gordon's studying on his course,

Christine.

So it's literature you're doing, is it?

Tell you a good book.

What's that one I read on holiday?

Oh, fuck that.

You wouldn't put that down. He was reading it in bed.

I know. I got right into it, so I did. I know what it was. It was Duncan

Bannatyne's Autobiography. You read that, Gordon?

No. What about Maeve Binchy? You read any of hers?

All set in Ireland.

They're not doing Maeve Binchy books in the literature course.

I know. There's fucking tons of them.

I see you've got your Christmas tree up in his bed.

Well, it's awful early, is it not, Gordon? You've not got yours up, have

Well, no.

It's all so shit.

Look at the state of it.

It'll look great when you've got the rest of the decorations up.

You're not saying this is it, are you?

Well, we were having a clear out and there was decorations there that we'd

for years.

They were a bit tatty.

If you throw everything tatty, you're not going to have anything left.

Oh, Beth, we've got absolutely loads of Christmas decorations if you want some,

haven't we, Alan? Aye. She can't go past them in a coat without buying them.

It's the same with toilet rolls.

We've got hundreds of them.

I know. That's very kind, Michelle.

Look, we've got piles of old ones as well.

Aye, you could always have mine, Beth, since I'm going to be in Ireland.

Alan, are we going to get some for Beth and Eric?

Michelle, no, we... Honestly, Eric, it's fine. We've got way more than we've got

room to put up, so... Come on, Eric, it's fucking miserable in here.

Are we ready?

Yes.

Yay!

That's proper Christmassy now, isn't it?

Well, not till we get a bottle open.

What about you boys?

Shh, won't tell anyone you're driving your scooter drunk, Gordon.

Yeah, I'll take one. Is this OK with you, Michelle?

Oh, yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll just stick to my water.

Did you not realise that being pregnant was going to be really boring, Michelle?

Is it OK if I have a lager?

Of course it is, Alan.

Are you just saying that now and you'll give me a row later?

Or do you really mean it?

I think I've got a bottle of fizz in the fridge.

Woo! You know, and I think it feels like Christmas is coming when you hear the

Christmas songs on the radio.

Yeah, I love Christmas songs.

Eric, have you got that Christmas album?

I think I do.

As long as you haven't thrown it out.

Yes, Eric, you big...

Stupid donkey.

So when is it you're off to Ireland, Christine?

Oh, not until the 21st, Michelle.

Oh, God, it's just so exciting. You're going to have such a brilliant time. We

loved Dublin, didn't we?

We were saying earlier, Alan, that the Guinness that you get in the Guinness

factory isn't like anywhere else.

It's 20 fucking euro.

Oh!

Right, everyone want one?

Thank you.

Sorry, Michelle.

Oh, Beth, don't worry, I'm fine. I like my water.

It's all right, Michelle.

You can get pissed again once the baby's here.

Well, this is a bit more like it, eh?

Cheers, everybody.

Cheers.

Here,

Beth, could you go and get me that wee glass that I like? I don't like the way

this one feels in my hand.

Yeah, I hope you won't be so fussed over in Ireland, Christine, or they'll send

you back.

Dad, stick it on to the next song.

I can't be bothered, but this one goes on for ages.

Oh, no, no, no, Carl. No, no, no, I hate this one. Get it off. She hates this.

Why do you not like it, Kathy?

I don't like the sound of children singing, Gordon.

Now this, this is a classic.

Oh, does this one not do your head in?

Would you not like it, Alan? It's all right, but you hear it everywhere you

don't you? It is a bit ubiquitous, yes.

I'll tell you one you hear everywhere.

Band -Aid. Oh, it was amazing what they did with that.

Yes.

Although there is a bit of a backlash against it now.

Against Band -Aid?

Is it because Bono's a wank?

Alan. It is, but it's just... They think it maybe did more harm than good, cos

it made people feel they'd solved the problem of global inequality, when in

actual fact it's worsened with the impact of climate change.

Plus there's the whole white saviour thing, which is quite toxic as well.

Oh, I didn't realise it was so controversial.

Well, it's an interesting debate. I personally think that... This is the

one ever.

Oh, I do like this.

What is it?

The Pogues.

Shane McGowan.

Always pissed?

Oh, him, yes.

Here's a couple of names for you, Michelle.

What? Well, Shane for a boy or Kirsty for a girl. Oh, a good Irish name, that,

Michelle. Shane.

Actually, I quite like those.

Aye. Wee Shane Edgar.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Or Kirsty.

Aye, that's all right and all.

You're Christine.

This is the one where the choir's singing Galway Bay. That's where you'll

Christmas. Oh, yes, so it is.

Christine, it's just going to feel really weird, you being away at your

for Christmas.

Beth.

Do you think it's going to be OK?

What do you mean?

Me going to death, Liz.

Oh, just I know that.

Sometimes I can be a wee bit demanding.

Oh, Christine.

What if they end up wishing they'd never made contact with me and can't wait to

see the back of us? You're going to have a wonderful time.

Christmas is for families, and they're your family.

They're going to be thrilled you're there.

Do you think so? Yes.

Yes, they...

You know how I'm getting the train to Stranraer and then getting the ferry,

Train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne, bus to Belfast and coach to Galway.

You OK to give me a lift into the station?

Yes. You OK there, Gordon?

Any problem with this song?

Well, it depends which version it is.

What? Well, there's a word in the song that's quite offensive, so... What word?

Well, I don't really want to say it.

I think I know what it is. What is it, Beth? Is it scumbag?

What is wrong with scumbag?

It rhymes with maggot. It rhymes with maggot? Maybe just forward on to the

one. What rhymes with maggot? I know, I know!

What is it?

It begins with an F, Christine.

Fuck with it.

Look, maybe just put it off, Dad.

What is it?

What's wrong with that?

It's quite offensive, especially to gay people. I thought it was booster was the

one he didn't like.

Against the point, you can't say anything without offending someone.

Oh, here we go.

Well, it's ridiculous.

I mean, you can't even have a bit of homophobic swearing in a Christmas song

anymore.

I think it's more we're just becoming more aware of how the things we say

on other people and a recognition that some terms that were once in common

were in fact offensive.

Frankly. We should probably make a move.

What other words can we not say, Gordon?

Well, it's not up to me.

What about fanny?

If someone was to call you a silly fanny, would you be offended by that?

Kathy. Well, I wouldn't really be offended, but, I mean, if we're going to

into it, I don't really think anyone should be using a female body part as an

insult. Does that mean that you cannae say... What about dick?

Can you still call someone a dick? That's less bad.

Oh, thank God for that.

I see that quite a lot, don't I? I may as well.

Why is dick not as bad, Gordon?

Well, it's that men have historically been the dominant gender.

What about wanker, Gordon?

Because technically that's either, isn't it?

Arsehole. You know, we've all got one of those.

And where would the gays be without them?

Oh.

I really think we should head.

You know what I think, Gordon?

What?

I think you should do your assignment on...

All of this.

Language and all that.

How it's changed.

You really know what you're talking about.

I don't think that's... I can't really see how that would...

Actually, that's a really good idea.

Don't forget your hat and scarf.

Ah, yeah.

See about that.

Do you mind if we don't do presents this year?

Right? Yeah, it's just we're a bit skint this year with me being at college.

Is that why you're not coming over on Christmas Day?

Kind of, yeah.

Do not worry about presents, but come over for dinner. We'd love to have you.

Right, OK.

Thank you. Cheers, Mum.

Um, no hugs for me, Gordon.

That's a nice tissue as well.

Bye, Ian.

Oh!

Is that your scooter, Gordon?

Yeah. Oh!

I just called like one of those. Oh, my God, I could get him one for his

Christmas. Call!

Call! Come and get a look at Gordon's scooter!

What's happening?

I think Col has got to have a Gordon Gordon scooter.

Oh, I'd quite like to see that.

I haven't been in one of these for years.

Go on, Col.

Whee! Woo!

Oh, my fucking van!

And there's loads more. Two doors down on iPlayer. Press red to watch now.

It's Michael McIntyre's Christmas wheel with a twist for the big day. Three

celebs playing for charity.

Richard Osman, Mel Gedroich and Paddy McGuinness. Tomorrow, 6 .45.