Original subtitles

[SOMBER CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING]

MALE NARRATOR: New York City.

Population: 100.

A land full of CEOs, VIPs and STIs.

And with that many people,

there's bound to be a few great stories.

Like this one.

Our story begins like all great stories,

with two straight men.

MAN: Oh, fuck, I am good.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [GRUNTS]

MALE NARRATOR: This is Craig Tiddle.

[MAN WHOOPING WILDLY]

[MOANING]

MALE NARRATOR: And this is Trevor Brock.

They're twins. Identical twins.

Fuck you! They are.

And how do I know all of this?

Because I'm God.

That's right. God.

He/him. The greatest storyteller of all time.

Check the sales of my book.

Number-one bestseller in the world.

They're highly successful alpha males.

Virile. Strong.

And oh-so-very manly.

[SQUEAKING]

Fuck yeah.

GOD: Wow, those twins really have it all.

- [SLURPING] - [SNORTING]

[SLURPING]

Oh! Good morning!

GOD: Or do they?

Craig and Trevor don't know they're twins.

They were separated at birth and have never met.

But that all changes today.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SHATTERS]

Oh, Craig, I think you dropped your mug.

Keep it, old lady. I got a lot of mugs.

I got a lot of everything.

Wow, your life seems perfect.

Trust me, my smelly friend, it is.

I got a mansion in the Hamptons

I got a bungalow upstate

I got a penthouse just for fucking

And another where I masturbate

Pow

The money just keeps rolling in

The good times never stop

There's never been a man like me

And I'll always be on top

Package for Trevor Brock.

Fuck this tiny thing.

I already got the biggest package in town.

My cock is fucking massive

It always leaves the ladies sore

Seven inches long Curves to the left

Then it goes ten inches more

- Ooh! - I got girls and cash

Cars and booze

I'm the cream of the fucking crop

There's never been a man like me

And I'll always be on top

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Thanks, doll.

Mm-mm.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oop.

You have a good day.

Huh?

Whoa.

[WHISTLES]

[MOANING]

- You're welcome. - You're welcome.

- BOTH: I'm the best - [ALL CHEER]

So fucking blessed

Sexy, smart It's just not fair

I slay pussy everywhere

I get what I want

And what I got I flaunt

And though some people find it strange

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

No one's gonna make me change

- [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING] - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

BOTH: Oh, my God.

Sorry, you just... [CHUCKLES]

You really look like me.

I think you mean that you look like me.

- Craig Tiddle. - Trevor Brock.

- Whoa. - Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

I think I got some lube on you.

Hey, no worries. I'll save that for later.

Say, where do you work?

GVPI. It's my first day at the new corporate headquarters.

Hot damn! Me, too.

You must be from the downtown office?

That I am. Take it you're from the uptown branch?

- My reputation precedes me. - Nope. Never heard of you.

Actually, I'm the one who's never heard of you, so...

Well, you should've heard of me,

because I'm the number-one salesman

this company's got.

Hate to break it to you, buddy,

but last time I checked, I was number one.

Craig Tiddle's always on top.

You might be on top of a sex offenders registry,

but I've always been the best salesman.

Fuck you, pal. I've had a record month.

While you were in bed milking your morning wood,

I've been pounding the pavement making sales.

If you think I can't make sales

and jerk off at the same time,

you got another thing coming because...

I always get the things I want

There's no way I can flop

There's never been a man like me

And I'll always be I'll always be

I'll always be on top

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[JINGLE PLAYS] Global Vroomba Parts

No, we don't sell Vroombas

Just the parts Like the gears

And the wheels and those teeny tiny brushes

Listen to me, you piece of shit.

The sooner you make me money,

the sooner you can afford health insurance.

- Health care is a luxury. - [GRUNTING]

[CRASHING]

This is... gorgeous.

Beautiful. A beautiful space.

Craig Tiddle, Trevor Brock.

My two top salesmen.

Oh, um, actually, I'm Trevor.

Yeah, and I'm Craig.

Oh, okay, well...

You two motherfuckers look like y'all could be twins.

- Mm, I don't see it. - CRAIG: I think we actually

- look very dissimilar. - Yeah.

I guess it's just, uh, uh,

some shit that I really don't care about.

I'm your new boss, Gloria Masters.

Wow, a-a lady boss.

I guess it really is the year that it is.

- I'm crazy about that. - Yes, the year of the pussy.

Exactly. So, boss, we were wondering,

which one of us is top salesman

and which one is a dumb little baby?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

As you can see right here, I have installed a leaderboard

that tracks y'all's sales.

- Plug 'er in, fellas. - [BEEPING]

[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS]

[EMPLOYEES GASPING]

- Yes! Yes! - Oh, no.

Trevor Brock, my prize pig.

But the rest of you motherfuckers?

Get to work.

Hey, tough titty, Tiddle.

Hey, but chin up, maybe you could be my assistant.

[WHISPERING] All my assistants suck my dick.

- [GASPS] - [LAUGHTER]

[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS]

What in God's green hell?

[BANGS TABLE] Mark me down for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears

and 3,000 of those teeny tiny brushes.

That's a big sale.

Let this be a lesson to you.

Use people, like pawns on a checkerboard.

[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS]

[LAUGHTER]

- Son of a fucking bitch. - [GASPING]

That's right. Back where I belong.

CRAIG: For now. I'll admit, you're good.

It's gonna be fun to crush you.

Right back at you.

- May the best man... - Win.

Win. I was gonna say that.

Craig Tiddle's fucking awesome

Trevor Brock is off the charts

They talk a lot about their dicks

And they sell fucking Vroomba parts

You won't ever take me down

I'll work until I drop

There's never been a man like me

And I'll always be on top

15,000 gears

- Money, money, money - Craig Tiddle

- Money, money, money - Number one

20,000 wheels

- Money, money, money - Trevor Brock

- Money, money, money - Is getting it done

30,000 gears

Craig Tiddle You're the best

40,000 wheels

Trevor Brock Sign my chest

I love fucking money!

Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be?

Who's it gonna be?

Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be?

[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS]

BOTH: 100,000 teeny tiny brushes!

Look around

It's plain to see

There's never been a man like me

'Cause I'm the fucking

Top...

[PANTING]

- [HORNS HONKING] - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Whew.

Still at it, shrimp?

Work hard, stay hard.

Never been tied for first before.

I'm used to being the total top.

Oh, yeah, I'm gunning for your ass, little boy.

- [SCOFFS] - That's why I'm here late.

- Grinding. - Same.

Definitely not because I have nowhere to go

and no one to see.

Oh, I got a vast network of meaningful relationships,

for sure, but no time for those now.

I got to put in the hours so I can stay ahead of you, Craig.

- Trevor. - Huh?

You just called me Craig. You're Craig. I'm Trevor.

[LAUGHING] God, you're such an idiot, Trevor.

No, I'm Craig.

- You're Trevor, Trevor. - Damn it, we look alike.

We do not. You have long hair like a girl.

You have short hair like a lesbian girl.

This haircut is classic Trevor.

Fuck. Classic Cr... Fuck you!

No, fuck you.

- You don't get me. - You don't get me, either.

No one does.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm in this struggle all alone

I don't know what to do

I wish there was someone who knew

What I am going through

This feeling that I'm feeling

It feels so very bad

It's almost like my life's a lie

And actually I'm sad

No one understands what I've been through

No one knows what it's like to be

A man with my specific life

Saying these specific words

The only one who understands

Is me

Say, is this your family?

[LAUGHS] What? No. But I definitely have a real family.

And they're rich and smart and kind and real.

Oh, me, too. I got a birth mommy and a birth daddy,

same as everybody else.

Growing up with just a mom

It left a gaping hole

My single dad He did his best

But life She took her toll

With Pops I could have fished for fish

My fastball we'd perfect

With Mom I could have learned to bake

Or show women respect

No one understands what I've been through

No one knows what it's like to be

A man with my specific life

Saying these specific words

The only one who understands

Is me

If you think I've had it easy

Then you're wrong

The road's been fucking hard

- And fucking long - [CRASHING]

Everything I ever got

I got all on my own

I rose up from the ashes

Of my single-parent home

'Cause I've always been a fighter

Since the day that I was born

On January 3rd, 1986

- At 5:08 a.m. - At 5:07 a.m.

Wait, what the fuck, dude?

Yeah, there are a lot of similarities happening here.

- What is that? - This?

Oh, the only thing I have

from the dad I never knew is...

BOTH: Half of a locket.

This is the only thing I have from my mom.

I've never understood mine. It just says "our bo."

I think it must be an ancient Indigenous saying.

Mine only says "toys."

Huh. But what if...?

[BOTH GASPING]

BOTH: "Our two boys."

Oh, my God. Does this mean...

Hold on, sorry, you thought that said "toys"?

Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys.

No, there's not a "W" in toys.

Damn it all to fuck, Craig!

Who cares about letters right now?

You only have a dad. I only have a mom.

We were born on the same day, almost down to the minute.

We must be brothers.

Not just brothers, Trevor.

Twins.

BOTH: Wow, we're twins.

We're fucking identical twins.

No one understands what I've been through

No one knows what it's like to be

A man who thought he was alone

But then found out he had a twin

Who works at the same fucking job

What a big coincidence

The only one who understands

Is we

Is we

Is we

[QUIET CHATTER]

Gears. Wheels.

Teeny tiny brush... Wow.

L, M, N, O...

P.

- Hey. - Hey.

This is crazy, right?

- Totally crazy. I mean... - [GLASS SHATTERS]

What are the odds of working with your long-lost twin?

I don't know, one in four, three in four?

- It's crazy. - Crazy. But wait.

I can't believe Mom and Dad split us up.

Like, is that abuse?

Did they abuse us?

We definitely experienced abuse-ment.

- Oh, my God. - I mean, don't get me wrong.

My life is awesome.

No, no, no, no, m-m-mine is awesome, too.

- I have an amazing job. - Amazing job.

I'm always dating some big-tit lady.

Stunning big-tit ladies.

I always get the things I want.

Except for a real family.

Single-parent homes are not real families.

That's true.

BOTH: Hmm.

What do we do?

You know, if Mom and Dad got married again,

then we'd have a real family.

What if...

What if we tricked them into getting back together?

Keep talking until I understand.

We trick Mom and Dad into thinking

they need to get married again.

Oh, my God, yes.

I'll go talk to Dad now and trick him

into getting back together with Mom.

Well, uh, no offense,

- but you'd probably fuck it up. -Oh.

I should be the one to trick Dad.

But you've never met him.

Baby, I'm the number-one salesman.

I could trick anybody.

Okay, hold up, I'm the number-one salesman.

If anybody's gonna trick a parent

they've never met, it's gonna be me.

While you're tricking Dad, I'll trick Mom.

And I'll do it better.

All right, then. It's settled.

We're switching places to trick the parent we never knew

into getting married again.

- Fine. Fine. - Fine.

Which means we're going to need...

BOTH: Disguises!

Wow, you look so good, King.

You, too, King.

I mean, obviously, I would've preferred a lace front,

but sometimes a shake and go can get the job done.

- Right. - So, what's Mom like?

At the very least, I hope she fulfills

every single expectation I have of her.

- That's reasonable. - Just, like, an awesome,

conventional, elegant mommy.

God, if she's, like, a kooky old eccentric lady,

I don't know what the fuck I'll do.

Yeah, um, let's, uh, let's change the subject entirely.

- Huh? - Tell me about Dad.

Oh, our dad?

- Yeah, our dad. - Um...

Is he a big, strong macho guy like me?

I hope he's a big macho guy like me!

Yeah, listen, I would obviously love to talk about that,

but look, oh, God, it's Mom's house. So I got to go right now.

- Oh, God! - [HORNS HONKING]

- [THUDDING, CRASHING] - Okay, bye-bye.

Drive, you piece of shit!

[SIGHS] Okay, Craig, you got this.

Shit! Fuck! Damn! No!

You're Trevor now, all right?

And Trevor is gonna knock on the door.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello?

Mom?

- [WHIRRING] - Why, Trevor,

what a nice surprise.

Mom!

That's right, it's me.

- Good old Mom. - Right.

And I'm... Trevor.

- Yes, you are. - So...

Mom, you're in a wheelchair now?

Well, Trevor, I've been in this wheelchair since January.

Yes, and I haven't been here since then, so...

January of 1979.

Cool, so I do know this.

Darling, what's the matter? You're not acting yourself.

And what's with that hair?

I don't remember it being this fake and shitty looking.

It's a wig. Dah!

I mean, um, I'm growing it out for a wig.

Yeah, Locks for Love.

- Oh. - I'm gonna give some bald,

barren women a second chance.

Well, I was just about to have some tea.

Won't you join me?

Mom, it's really good to see you.

Really actually good.

Well, it is really good to see you, too, dear,

always, my darling boy.

My only darling boy.

The only boy I ever had.

- Sure, yeah. - Yes.

The only boy that ever came

rocketing out of my vagina.

Okay.

I would've probably had another one

just like you, but I didn't.

- The more you... - I had a vasectomy.

One second after you was born,

- Wow. - I had a vasectomy.

They snipped it. [HUMMING]

So, Mom...

It's been a minute, what have you been up to?

[LAUGHING] Oh, my gosh, Trevor!

Well, you know me.

I do.

And all the things I get up to.

Any specifics about it, though, would be appreciated.

Tell me it as if I didn't know,

- even though of course I do. - Ah, this morning,

Patricia and I watched a film from the Criterion Collection.

- You know Patricia, of course. - If you say so.

- [CHUCKLING] - Mom, you seem so cultured.

Well, I'm glad you're finally recognizing that.

Yeah, me, too, it's time that someone fina...

Uh, that's sand.

Oh, my God.

I switched the tea and the sand again.

- Again? - [LAUGHING]

I'm going fast.

I make my own sand, you know.

- Do you? - Yes, I do.

Out of what?

Out of sand.

- [LAUGHING] - Here you go, darling.

- Thank you. - Oh, my gosh,

wait a minute, not so fast.

That'll be your reward.

Before you go, I need you to grab

something down for me, please?

- Yeah, fucking sure. Um... - Yes, yes.

It's that one right there.

- This one? - Nope, that one.

- So this one? - No, that one.

- Okay, then this one? - No, darling, that one.

- Here? - Darling?

Let's calm down, look at me.

- Do you see my finger? - I do.

- This is called pointing. - Yeah.

If you draw a little dotted line

from the tip of my finger and you go poop, boop, boop.

Yeah, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop right to here.

- This is the one? - No!

- Here? - Let me, okay, let me...

I need to calm down.

Could you describe it?

Darling, I'm not going to spoil you.

How about a single adjective of-of any of these?

Not over there. Look, this is like this.

- Here again. - Not that one.

- Is it this one? - Yeah!

Oh, motherfucker. Goddamn it.

I could think of words you could've used.

Ooh, well, that was quite an ordeal.

- Yeah, I'll say. - Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, please.

That's Jerome. He's easily aroused.

Don't get him anywhere near me.

You have sex with this?

Darling, of course.

Look at him, how could I possibly resist?

- He? It's a he? - He's a they.

Oh, God, well, I-- Now that I know that you

fuck this little gay boot, I'd love to put it somewhere.

I think you should put him right down there

next to Patricia, she can handle it.

This is Patricia, who you saw the movie with?

Darling, of course. You know Patricia.

And I would ask you to unhand her!

Okay, Mommy, you know what?

I think maybe you need to get out of the house a little bit.

Darling, why would I leave the house?

I have everything I need right here.

Yeah, sure.

I lead a charmed life, Trevor.

Don't you understand?

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

My life's been quite the wild ride

Intrigue, thrills

Romance

I may have reached my twilight years

But it's all still song and dance

Seasons come

And seasons go

My years keep flying by

And now I sit here in my house

Trevor, I'm an independent woman.

I do what I want when I want with whom I want.

- I am very confused. - I'm afraid

you simply don't understand

what a gas it is when you get to be my age.

I'm 93

No, 94

That can't be right. [GRUNTS]

Just wait, there's more

My back is broke My tits, they sag

I have to pee into a bag

I have three toes My eyes are coins

A mouse named Pip lives in my loins

I smell like milk Well, more like cheese

My nipples wink I never sneeze

I cannot remember the year I was born

I sculpt all my friends out of clay

I've seen every movie And most of them thrice

For breakfast I only eat hay

Well, this has been fun, but I got to be

anywhere but here. [CRIES OUT]

I keep all my ice cubes inside of my purse

I have a whole room full of geese

I only read backwards I never use spoons

My mother is also my niece

My organs are cotton I cry melted butter

I have no reflection I bathe in asbestos

The world is a riddle I might be the devil

My pussy fell off once in Greece, hey!

Who saw that coming?

- I did. - [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Craig.

My favorite son.

My only son.

- What a surprise. - Yeah.

I thought I'd swing by.

- Oh. - [SIGHS]

- A hug. - [INHALES]

- Well, this is new. - [CHUCKLES]

Uh...

Don't forget to let go.

Otherwise, we're just wrasslin'.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Wow.

Swanky digs, Dad.

- Oh, hush. - No, I mean it.

This place is so nice and clean and chic and...

God, I wish I'd grown up here.

What are talking about, Craig? You did grow up here.

And I wish I could grow up here again.

- Shame how time works. - Yeah.

It really sucks. Care for a mimosa?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Don't judge, but I've already had one...

pitcher.

- [BOTH LAUGH] - Come on.

Just kidding.

But I do drink every morning.

- Sure. - Cheers.

Mmm.

Craig, I'm glad you're here actually.

Same, Dad. What do you want to do first?

Play catch in the yard? Not talk about our feelings?

Funny you should mention feelings.

- [GULPING] - Uh...

[SIGHS]

Wow.

Okay.

I've been meaning to tell you for some time.

There's no easy way to say this, but...

- But... - But what?

[SIGHS]

I'm gay.

[GASPS, HESITATES]

Wait, wait, uh, this is something that I,

Craig, didn't know about until just now?

That's correct.

Um, okay, great, then I can freely say,

what the fuck, Dad, you're gay?

Well, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm,

but yes, Craig, I'm gay.

Queer as a three-dollar bill and just as thin.

- Well, let's not go c-- - Shh. Daddy's talking.

- Mm-hmm. - Honestly,

the signs have been there for ages.

I'm only now realizing it.

I am and have always been a normal homosexual man

who does all the normal things normal homosexual men do.

- Like what? - Well, I'll tell you.

I wake up, drink my coffee

Have brunch around 11:00

Walk my bichon frise

Then nap till half past 7:00

A night out at the symphony

Such elegance, what poise

Or maybe I'll just stay at home

With my two Sewer Boys

What?

The answer is perfectly clear

It's a gay old life being queer

I'm so sorry, did you say "Sewer Boys"?

Oh, come on, Craig. You know my Sewer Boys.

[RASPY GROWLING]

No!

No! No!

No! No! No!

HARRIS: Christ on a crutch, Craig.

Are you all right?

You sounded like Maria Callas on a rough matinee.

What the fuck are those things?

My Sewer Boys.

Pale little inbred creatures,

live underground.

Only communicate in clicks and whistles.

[CLICKING AND WHISTLING]

I-I'm very confused.

You do seem a bit off, dear.

And what's with your hair?

I don't remember it being this fake or shitty looking.

Oh, God, who cares about wigs right now?

Those things are disgusting.

They're not disgusting, they're gay culture.

Gay culture? Well, they don't seem gay.

They seem dangerous.

Well, I appreciate your concern, but...

There's nothing dangerous about vacationing in Spain

That is until you've thrown

Half of your savings down the drain

But money should be spent on things

Both lovely and refined

The Sewer Boys drink blood for fun

And also read my mind

Don't get in a tizzy My dear

It's a gay old life

Being queer

What do you mean, they read your mind?

- [RASPY GROWLING] - Uh-oh, someone's hungry.

- [GROANS] - [HARRIS LAUGHING]

Oh, God.

[POPPING]

Ah.

They'll do anything for a little deli meat.

TREVOR: No, I hate this.

What are you doing?

[BOTH GRUNTING EXCITEDLY]

- Oh. - All right, it's your turn.

Oh, there's got to be a different way to feed them.

No!

All right, all right.

Hey, let's brainstorm some ideas together, Papa.

Maybe a bowl.

Have you thought about a fucking bowl?

Nope, this is how we've always done it.

Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys,

Backpack and Whisper.

Those are their names?

Watch your talons.

- [BELCHES] - Talons.

- Want some ham? - No, I don't want any ham!

I feel like I'm in a fucking nightmare!

Oh, I understand, son.

Coming out can be just as hard on the family.

But it's a journey we'll go on together.

I'm not talking about coming out.

I'm talking about the fucking monsters.

[BOTH SCREECHING]

Oh, shh! Don't say that in front of them.

You'll hurt their feelings.

Their feelings? They feel?

What are they? Explain them to me!

[SIGHS]

Well, it's a long story.

Very well.

Oh, yeah. Get a hat.

Many decades ago

I was down in the sewer

- Why? - Shh, Daddy's singing.

Rowing my boat through the slime and manure

How did you get a boat into the sewer?

You want to hear the story or not?

Collecting adventures and treasures galore

But I couldn't guess what fate had in store

I rounded a bend and what did I see?

Two creatures so bloody So foul, so carefree

They were taking a bath in the corpse of a swine

And that's when I knew

They had to be mine

I tried to entice them

But they were too quick

Tried to rip out my trachea

- Bite off my dick - [GASPS]

With a club I subdued them

And made to depart

And I stole the two creatures

Who'd stolen my heart

[WHISPERS] Jesus.

[BOTH GROWLING]

My boy There's no reason to jeer

It's a gay old life

Being

Queer...

I bathe in bleach

There's skiing up in Aspen

- I play the horn - And sailing of West Palm

One time I died

The snow is fine as powder

- I suck on corn - The waves are always calm

- I poison fruit - But no matter where I am

- I kissed a chair - There is no way

I can resist the urge to climb

- I juggle for exercise - Below the streets

- Never use alphabet - And smell

- And a tornado's my friend - That stinky mist

BOTH: The answer is

Perfectly clear

It's a gay old life

HARRIS: Being queer

I have no pussy

[MUSIC ENDS]

GOD: Those foolish boys.

What, oh, what will they do?

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Craig Tiddle's phone, Craig Tiddle speaking. Ah!

Why didn't you tell me Dad was a gay man

obsessed with Sewer Boys?

Because I was ashamed.

You don't know what it's like to feed Boar's Head ham

to those slimy little demons your whole life.

Why didn't you tell me Mom's pussy fell off?

[GROANS] You weren't there. It was really disturbing.

Well, I'm sure it was, but not knowing really--

No, Craig. It was awful.

It crawled away like a fucking cockroach.

Mom was screaming at me,

"Kill it! Kill it!"

I raised my flip-flop to deal the death blow,

and it stared me straight in the eyes.

It had eyes now.

"Dream of this," the pussy said to me.

"Dream of this every night."

And I do, Craig.

I do.

Well, our parents are fucking freaks,

and there's nothing we can do about it.

What do you mean?

I mean that I thought our plan

was going to be easy, and it was not.

But I still want to be brothers, no homo.

Want to be brothers, no homo, too.

Well, then we have to do this.

But our parents are completely incompatible.

Mom has no pussy.

Dad is a gay.

I want this to work, okay? But it just feels...

impossible.

Anything's possible if you force it to be.

- But-- - Shh.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

When I was picking colleges

My sights were set on Brown

But my scores were all so miserable

That they just turned me down

So I went and saw the chancellor

To make him think again

And when he still refused

I roofied him And then he let me in

You can't give up

When people tell you no

You can't give up

If you want it, make it so

Life's a game of poker

And I only play to win

So if someone says don't do a thing

Just do that thing again

Last year I found a condo

So high up in the sky

But the grandmother who lived there

She wouldn't let me buy

So I framed her ass for larceny

And now she rots in jail

Then I roofied a whole bar

And we all killed

- A humpback whale - [PEOPLE LAUGHING]

You can't give up

When people tell you no

You can't give up

If you want it, make it so

Life's a game of Boggle

And I only play to win

So if someone says don't do a thing

- Just do that thing - And do that thing

Again

The losers are all thinking

There's some secret to success

And they also think that "no" means "no"

But really "No" means "yes"

"No" means "yes"

You can't give up

When people tell you no

You can't give up

If you want it, make it so

Life's a fucking hand job

And I only play to win

So stroke my fucking cock

Until I blast all on your chin

Then take that cum and lube me up

Until I come again

And if someone says don't do a thing

Just do that thing and do that thing

And do that thing

And do that thing...

Again

Do that thing again

[MUSIC ENDS]

Ah. Should I open another bottle?

I know it's our second,

but we're not Baptists.

- [RATTLING] - [SEWER BOYS GROWLING]

Are you sure that thing's secure?

HARRIS: Hardly.

They've gotten out so many times,

animal control made me tag them.

Have you ever thought about putting them down?

Good grief, I'd sooner put down my wine.

Though I admit, they're a handful.

I haven't had a vacation in years,

and you know how I love jet lag.

Let's talk about what I want to talk about.

Like Mom, for example. If she's real or whatever.

How did you two meet?

Oh! It's a funny story.

We met in a graveyard.

I was trying to find a kidney.

They sell like hotcakes on the black market.

- You were graverobbing. - Why, Trevor,

you know that was my job before the war.

And after. [GASPS] Yahtzee.

We're doing a puzzle.

[GASPS] Puzzle.

[SIGHS]

There was your mother, up to her neck

in freshly-tilled dirt.

When I called out to her, she pulled a gun on me.

Thought I was a cop.

Graverobbing was illegal in those days.

It's still illegal.

Well, don't tell the police

or they'll make me return half my wardrobe. [LAUGHS]

All this talk about Dad. What is it, Father's Day?

You know, the more you yammer on about Dad,

it makes me think you miss him.

Like you want to see him again.

- See your mother? - Why not?

You said so yourself, you're fucking monster children...

Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys!

Whatever!

Your Sewer Boys take up so much of your time.

When's the last time you went out

and had a little fun?

A little daddy time?

The last time I went out...

I know the Nazis were still a thing.

God, whatever happened to them?

See, this is what I mean.

You should leave the house now and then.

Hit the town, look at a current globe,

see Dad.

I don't know about seeing your mother,

but... you're right.

A little company could be nice.

Well, how about you and me go to dinner?

Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.?

Tomorrow night?

Let's just have drinks here instead, eh?

Or, or... we could go somewhere better.

The kind of place where you could fall in love again.

A place like

La Chateaux.

The most romantic restaurant in all of New York?

Odd place to go with your son.

Well, I already made a reservation,

so enjoy your empty evening full of nothing

but the silence of your own thoughts.

And I loved that idea you had about dinner at La Chateaux.

Wait a minute, wasn't that your idea?

Yup, that's right, a dinner that's definitely your idea,

and definitely with me.

Bye, Mommy.

Well, we'll see.

I mean, uh, it was lovely of you to come over, though.

- I hope you'll come back... - [DOOR SLAMS]

soon.

Come back soon.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

The phone, it never rings

The door, it never knocks

I sit here with my bric-a-brac

Oh, my tchotchkes

And my clocks

I don't think it's a problem

That I hate to go outside

Though I worry

It'll take them weeks

To find my body

Once I've died

I'm lonely

I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely, I'm lonely

I'm lonely

So lonely

So fucking lonely all the time

I am a person

Who's lonely

My Sewer Boys They bring me joy

They have throughout the years

But I admit

They've scared away

My wife, my son

My peers

Could it be

I've hid behind

My sweet, delightful pets?

[BOTH GROWLING SADLY]

That they've mired me

In crippling debt

And been the cause of my death threats

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

I'm lonely

I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely

So lonely

So lonely and so all alone

I am a person

Was it wrong to throw away

The marriage that I had?

Was it wrong?

To split my children up

Is there a chance that was bad?

That was bad

BOTH: Am I wrong to live my life

The way I do now?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

- Should I try to change? - Yes

- Some way - Please

Somehow

Change

I have so much to share

Change

Does anybody care?

Please, God If you're listening

Just trust me I'm Christian now

Answer my motherfucking prayer

[SNIFFS] Oh, not now. Not now.

[MUSIC CRESCENDOS]

I'm lonely

I'm so lonely

So lonely

So lonely, I'm all alone

- I'm lonely - I'm lonely

So very lonely

You know I'm lonely

I am a person

[BOTH SIGH]

- Who's - Who's

Lonely

- Lonely - Lonely

Lonely

- Lonely - Lonely

Mom called me confirming she's on for dinner tonight.

Oh, Dad has left me, like, 14 voice mails.

- The plan is working, King. - Hell yeah, King.

There's no way this can possibly go wrong.

Uh... Oh, uh-uh.

Tiddle, Brock, what the hell y'all two doing here?

We're keeping your company afloat.

- You're welcome. - CRAIG: I don't know

if estrogen makes you forgetful,

but we're your top two salesmen.

Uh, you're not my two top salesmen.

Check the board.

[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS]

[BABY CRYING]

Okay, so we missed a day

and we fell down a slot or two. Big deal.

Bid deal? Y'all ain't been here in two fucking weeks.

- Two fucking weeks? - [MOCKING] Two fucking weeks?

- 'Cause we got that wig. - That's it.

- That's where the time went. - Yeah.

Y'all fucked up. So guess what?

Because y'all haven't been making me no money,

y'all are dead to me.

- What? - You haven't been selling

any fucking wheels, any fucking gears,

and y'all damn sure ain't been selling

no teeny tiny fucking brushes.

Okay. I know we're not supposed to say this anymore

because it's not acceptable or whatever,

but you're being a bitch.

CRAIG: Yeah, and I would say that

the way you're acting right now

is actually very bitch-y.

Okay, well, I can show y'all two bitches a bitch.

They say boys'll be boys

Man, what a crock of shit

These men They hold all the cards

It makes me want to spit

They always fucking shit up

They're always making a mess

But I'mma tell you the secret to my success

Men are all stupid Weak little boys

They're not very smart They just make lots of noise

They got their nose up my ass

They want to be teacher's pet

And so I keep them on their toes

And make those fuckers sweat

- Girls - Girls

Sit on your throne

And just act like a queen

And these boys will be dying to kiss the ring

Train them to beg like the dogs that they are

And you'll find that it ain't no thing

To out-alpha the alpha

Mm-hmm

- Outfox the fox - Ah, yeah

Outfox the fox

Outsmart all these dummies

Out-fuck all these cocks

They'll cop a feel or smack yo ass

And then they'll suck their little thumbs

These boys all want a kiss from mommy

They're all scummy sacks of cum

So put your foot right on they throat

If they are standing in your way and just

Make those fuckers pay

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Stackin' my dollars Making my coin

Got drip in the back of my truck

Bank vault apartment Swimming in cash

Scrooge McFucking McDuck

I always stay stunnin' My shit is brand-new

My tuna is ahi My beef is Wagyu

Y'all are just servants This is my palace

Built it brick by brick

So get in a line Drop on your knees

And suck my fucking dick

Then eat my ass Lick my pussy

And find my clit

Just keep on fucking I'm not done

I'll tell you when to quit

Hell, yeah, I'm raw

Bitch, I'm the star

And yes, I'm real, boy There's no HR

I'm the fucking dom Don't need a fucking man

And by now you know my plan

Out-alpha the alpha

Out-screw the cock

Yeah, out-screw these cocks

Outplay all these losers

Out-juice all these nuts

These baby boys can't keep the pace

They're all so fucking slow

They love acting like they run the place

But I'm the CEO

These men are fucking dinosaurs

- About to be destroyed - [GRUNTS]

- And I'm the asteroid - And I'm the asteroid

They've called me shrill They've called me slut

They've called me ice queen And what's more

They've called me crazy Called me loud

They've called me bitch and cunt and whore

- Imagine, if you will - [VOCALIZING]

We murdered all the males

A woman-driven world

Where equity prevails

Sadly That's not how it is

But don't you get upset

I'll put those boys right in their place

Goddamn, that makes me wet

- [VOCALIZING] - [CHUCKLES]

Trevor, Craig, you're fired.

[CRASHING]

Out-alpha the alpha

Outfox the fox

Outfox the fox, ah

Outsmart all these dummies

Outsmart all the dummies

Out-fuck all these cocks

Out-alpha the alpha

Out-alpha the alpha Out-alpha the alpha

Out-alpha the alpha

- [VOCALIZING] - Ah

- [MUSIC ENDS] - [WOMAN WHOOPS]

Bitch, that was fun.

Okay, now, back to the story.

[PIANO PLAYING GENTLE MELODY]

[LOW CROWD CHATTER]

You know, fuck that fucking job.

- Who needs that fucking job? - PATRON: Shh!

- Ugh. - Rude.

- [GASPS] Oh! Look, look, look. - Oh, oh.

[GRUNTS] Excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am.

[CRASHING]

M-Ma'am?

[HARRIS SIGHING]

[WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING]

[CRASHING]

[SIGHS]

Ugh. Ugh.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Well, this is ridiculous.

I don't see him anywhere.

I'm just going to go right back ho...

- Evelyn? - Harris?

BOTH: What are you doing here?

I'm having a romantic dinner...

- ...with Trevor. - ...with Craig.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

The twins.

The twins must have found one another,

switched places to meet the parent they never knew

and then tricked us into coming here and reuniting.

Those rascals.

Well, I'm flummoxed.

I'm dumbfounded.

Those were always two of your best qualities.

- Oh, Harris. - [BOTH CHUCKLE]

My God, Evelyn. How long has it been?

260 years.

It's been 260 years since we last saw one another?

Oh, I thought you meant since the French and Indian War.

Oh, I have no idea how long it's been since we...

split up.

Yes, well, at any rate, it's been a long time.

Yes. Yes, it has.

- [SIGHS] - [CLEARS THROAT]

Garcon?

- Garcon? - Yes, madame?

Um, my apologies, but, uh,

we're actually going to have to cancel our reservation.

Yes, there's been a mistake.

- Oh, ooh. - Oh, oh.

Ah, but I hear that this wine

will be of particular interest to you both.

It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy, like you had

- on your honeymoon. - Like we had on our honeymoon.

And it's in a bottle.

- Well, it is a very nice wine. - [WINE POURING]

And it is free, after all.

- It's not. Enjoy. - EVELYN: Mmm.

[HARRIS SIGHS]

A toast,

to our clever, stubborn boys.

They are the one thing we got mostly right.

- Mostly. - [BOTH LAUGHING]

And... dissolve.

- Mmm. - God, I've missed this.

And I haven't even thought about the Sewer Boys once.

Those fucking things are still alive? Ugh.

God, how old are they now?

They're younger, actually.

They operate outside of linear time.

Sure. I'm familiar.

What went wrong between us, Evelyn,

all those many moons ago?

Oh, what goes wrong with any couple?

We were young and foolish.

- We drifted apart. - Hmm.

And you did start fucking men.

All the time, fucking men.

There are always little clues that a person might be gay.

Well, it hardly matters now, since my pussy fell off.

Yes, it hardly matters now.

[SPUTTERS]

I'm sorry, what?

Delicious.

[GULPS]

Hmm. [GULPS]

Evelyn, is something the matter?

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

Oh, you're choking. Oh!

Yes.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Hmm?

- EVELYN: Oh. Harris? - [HARRIS GROANS]

Yes?

You're still holding onto me.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no. It's fine.

- It's... - Oh.

It's more than fine.

[BOTH MOANING]

What are we even doing?

I'm not sure.

[BOTH MOANING]

Aren't you gay?

I-I don't know. It's like I'm...

I'm attracted to both men and women.

Huh. Well, now I have heard everything.

But, uh, also, and correct me if I'm wrong,

but, uh, didn't you just say that your...

[WHISPERS] ...pussy fell off?

Yes. Trevor had to kill it with a flip-flop in Greece.

But what he doesn't know is, I went back afterward,

scooped it up and put it into a plastic bag,

and now I always carry it with me

so that I feel like a woman.

Well, now I've heard everything.

[EXHALES] Oh, my God.

Well, that was unexpected.

- Uh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh.

These are yours, those are mine.

I'm so embarrassed. Yes.

- Yes. - [BOTH GASP]

Oh, my God.

[GASPS, EXHALES]

So...

we can be together.

Why, yes. Yes, we can.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

I thought these feelings

All had died

But now you're here

And now I find

I've missed you very much

[GASPING, LAUGHING QUIETLY]

I've missed your hair Your eyes, your face

But now you're here

And now I yearn

For a tender lover's

Touch

- Wow. - Wow.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANS]

I feel the beat, beat, beat of your thumping heart

It's just my body telling you

I'm ready to start

Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go

You know I like it rough

So don't you take it slow

Oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm desperate for your dick

Desperate for your pussy

Hungry for your dick

Give me Give me that pussy

I got the taste, taste taste of you on my tongue

I want to get real wild like when we were young

Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go

Roll over here, baby 'Cause I'm fixing to blow

Oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm desperate for your snatch

I'm desperate for your cock

[MUFFLED] I want vagina

I'm talking about penis

- [GRUNTS] - [SCREAMS]

- [WHOOPS] - [GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

HARRIS AND EVELYN: I'm desperate

For your love

Desperate for your love

[MUSIC ENDS]

[CLATTERING]

And stay out.

Oh, I had a cape. Ugh.

We did it, we did it

We did it

Harris, we're being mugged.

- We're gonna die. - HARRIS: No, no.

- No, darling. - Huh? What?

It-it's our boys.

EVELYN: Oh, my God!

- It's so good to see you. - Oh, yay.

To see you both together.

Now, why'd you switch places?

I guess we thought, since you gave us up,

- maybe it meant you... - Hated us.

- [GASPS] - Hated you? No.

We hardly even knew you.

We drew straws at the hospital and each took a kid.

I just can't get over it.

All of us, reunited.

It's just like we planned.

And now that you're back in love again,

you're gonna get married!

- What? - What?

Get married! And when you do,

do you think you'll change your last names?

Oh! Should we change our last names?

- No, wait. - We can all live together.

Then every day would be like Christmas.

- Yes. - Unless we're Jewish,

then every day would be like Easter.

Boys, boys, please, I mean, Craig, I just met you.

- I'm Trevor. - Exactly. And I'm gay.

Yeah, but you just had hot, awesome sex with Mom,

so now maybe you're straight.

It's clear that we were both just longing

for some physical touch.

We were fucking horny.

Right, exactly, but our marriage didn't work.

And I'm an independent woman.

I do not like when people live with...

me.

And I-I feel like maybe I haven't stressed this enough,

I do fuck men.

Not as often as I'd like, but whenever I get the chance.

EVELYN: Boys, listen now.

We love you, but...

we will never...

get married again.

This is stupid!

I hate you! And I hate both of you!

We lost everything

- because of you. - No.

Now we don't even have a family?

We can still be a family,

even if your mother and I aren't together.

No, not the kind we wanted.

You split us up when we were babies.

I mean, that's fucking psycho!

Boys, we didn't realize

that being lied to your entire lives

would upset you this much.

But at least we have each other now.

- No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no. No, Dad.

- EVELYN: Yay! Yay! - No. No, Mommy.

- Yay. Yay. - No, Mommy.

- No. No. - Stop it. Stop it.

- Yay. - No.

Come on, Craig.

- Trevor. - Trevor.

- Let's go. - [SCOFFS]

- Yeah. - Ugh.

Don't. Don't leave like this.

Oh...

Which one is which?

TREVOR: We can still fix this.

We just need to get Mom and Dad to...

No, Trevor, just-- No.

- You don't mean that. - I do.

I-I mean no, and no means no this time.

I'm done, okay? This is done.

What are you saying?

I-I don't know what I'm saying.

I've never felt this way before.

Usually when I want something, I get it.

In fact, it almost feels like society and all its systems

were built so that a man who looks like me can succeed.

And so, now to want something and not get it,

it-it makes me feel... feel...

- Feel what, Craig? What? - Feelings!

Bad ones! And I want to make them go away!

- This is just like you. - Excuse me?

To give up. I bet you give up on your boner

before it's even fully hard.

Fuck you. I have never given up on a semi.

My doctors say I am medically horny.

I never lost anything until you showed up.

You ruined my life!

You ruined mine, okay?

I knew this wouldn't work!

It would still work if you weren't a fucking quitter.

We didn't quit. We failed!

- [TIRES SCREECHING] - [LOUD CRASH]

Well, if that's how you feel about it,

then I guess there's nothing left to say.

I guess not.

Goodbye forever, Craig.

Goodbye to you, too.

For forever.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

Wait, you...

You've lived next to me this entire time?

I guess so.

That's weird.

Yeah.

That is weird.

No one understands what I've been through

No one knows what it's like to be

I just lost my brother twin

Who also was my only friend

The only one who understands

Is...

[BOTH SIGH]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES]

Jesus, Craig.

You look like shit.

I'm fine. Can it.

Hey, that's my job.

Shut up.

No, you shut up.

You know what?

Actually, fuck off.

Get the fuck out of here!

[GROANS]

Oh, hey, hey. Can I bum one of those?

Man, I already gave you a whole pack.

Aren't you supposed to be some sort of hung hotshot?

[SCOFFS] He was once.

But he got fired.

And I heard

that while his penis is large,

it's only slightly above average.

No. That's not true.

It's very large!

Come back!

- Harris. - Hmm?

I'm worried.

About us?

No, not about us.

We'll be friends, and sometimes we'll fuck.

Okay, yes, same page, precisely.

I was talking about the boys.

Oh, them.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

Should we drown them in the bathtub

in the old-fashioned way?

[SIGHS]

GOD: They didn't drown them.

They kidnapped them.

[BOTH GASPING]

BOTH: Surprise!

Mom? Dad? What the fuck?

- And where's my beard? - Where's my beard?

Those beards were fucking awesome.

Yes.

- No, they were fake. - And shitty looking.

HARRIS: Exactly.

Boys, we see now that splitting you up at birth

was borderline abusive,

but parenting's hard.

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

That's it? That's why you kidnapped us?

Oh, can you even kidnap an adult?

- Yes. - CRAIG: Listen,

we didn't want to be kidnapped, all right?

- We wanted you to apologize. - Right.

We are apologizing.

We're sorry that you're mad at us,

and we'd rather that you not be.

You know what? We would love to not be mad at you,

if you would just do what we want and get married.

Oh, eat me. Not again.

- You two really are stubborn. - [SEWER BOYS SCREECHING]

You two are stubborn.

Uh-oh, dinnertime.

- Why won't you change for us? - Yes.

I don't even know what there is to change.

This, Dad. Change this.

- Oh! Now you've upset them. - [BOTH SCREECHING]

- Oh. - Oh. Careful.

They don't like sudden movements.

- Ugh. - Oh!

- [TREVOR SCREAMING] - Oh!

Oh, they're out. They're out. Ew, ew, ew!

- [HARRIS YELLING] - Motherfucker!

- Shut up! - [TOILET FLUSHING]

Backpack. Whisper. Dear God, no!

Sewer Boys.

My Sewer Boys.

They've returned to the slimy depths

from whence they came.

[SHUDDERING BREATH]

[PANTING]

They've gone down the pipes.

- Oh. - HARRIS: Back into the sewers.

I have to go after them.

CRAIG: [WHISPERING] Go after them?

But he's, like, 40 years old, I bet.

[SIGHS] What do we all think of this cape?

- [SNICKERS] - HARRIS: I know,

it's too drab. I'm gonna go with the Valentino.

EVELYN: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Sure as schadenfreude.

I'm going in.

A sometimes-gay man all alone in the sewers?

Seems dangerous.

It is,

but those Sewer Boys,

they're my whole life.

[SIGHS]

Au revoir,my dear.

- [GRUNTS] - EVELYN: Oh, oh.

- [HARRIS YELLS] - [EVELYN SCREAMS]

- [LOUD CRASH, WATER SPLASHING] - HARRIS: Goddamn it.

I just got these pants.

Come on, Mom, let's get you home.

But Harris is all alone and...

Oh, fuck him.

And what do you care? Don't you have to go back

to shutting out the entire world?

I'm 93

No, 94

That's not so bad

I do want

More

[CARRYING NOTE]

[SIGHS]

I'm coming, Harris!

- [LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING] - What the fuck?

Jesus Christ.

Ugh. We're not going in there, right?

No fucking way.

- I'm gonna go in. - Okay, then me, too.

BOTH: Whee!

[LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I must run

To my boys

I must go I must run to my boys

- [OTHERS SCREAMING] - CRAIG: Dad!

My God, they came

Could it be that I was wrong?

[GASPS]

Was I running from my family all along?

Harris is so brave

The boys each found their twin

These men have charged back in my life

And changed it from within

Up is down

Left is right

And even underground

My world feels bright

I'm sorry we fought

Oh, my God, dude, me, too

My life's so much better when I am with you

It's not what I wanted

And yet, could it be?

Do we have a family?

I must run

- Harris is so brave - You're so fucking awesome

- Dude, you're awesome, too - My life's so much better

- When I am with you - These men

- Have charged back - They're here

- In my life - I fear that I was wrong

I've been running from my family all along

Do we have a family?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't believe

We are together

Underneath the city

Where it smells like piss

As a unit

We are so much better

I never thought it would be like this

Also, it smells like piss

It smells like piss

We're all down here together in the sewer

And it smells like fucking piss

[SEWER BOYS SCREAMING]

Backpack. Whisper.

MAN: Die, Sewer Boys, die.

Dear God!

- [MAN YELLING] - HARRIS: No!

No! Oh...

MAN: Die, die, die!

- Oh! Oh, God. - HARRIS: Oh!

Okay. All right, all right, all right,

all right, all right.

[COOING]

Mama's gonna need you to be brave, baby girl.

I know, I know,

but you got this.

All right.

[COOING]

[ROARING]

- [PUSSY GROWLING] - Oh!

Ooh!

Oh, my God.

Eat my snatch, you government piece of shit.

Are you all right? Oh...

Jesus, Mom, your pussy saved the day.

Backpack. Whisper.

- Oh. [KISSES] - [BOTH PURRING]

[SIGHS]

Wait a minute, are those...

their parents?

They're so fake and shitty looking.

- [SIGHS] - TREVOR: All right,

let's grab the little abortions

and get the fuck out of here.

[SIGHS]

No.

- Let them stay. - CRAIG AND EVELYN: What?

But you love them.

I do,

but they deserve to be with their family.

[CHITTERING]

And...

maybe when they're gone...

I'll finally have time to be with mine.

ALL: Aw...

- Does he mean us? - TREVOR: Yeah.

- I think he means us. - Oh, good. Okay.

Goodbye, Backpack.

- Bye. - Goodbye, Whisper.

SEWER BOY: Goodbye, Daddy.

Take care of yourselves.

Boys, I... I'm-I'm so sorry.

I was wrong.

And I was wrong.

BOTH: We were wrong, too.

- Mm. - Big hug?

- Oh, yeah. - Big hug.

- [HARRIS LAUGHING] - Family hug.

GOD: And so the twins

finally got the family

they never knew they wanted.

[SEWER FAMILY MUNCHING AND SLURPING]

GOD: They even decided to move in together,

to a little shitbox on the Lower East Side.

[BOTH SIGH]

[GROANING]

No.

No, I don't want...

Whatever.

No, not me. I can't.

[GASPING]

[BOTH SIGH]

- Craig, what's wrong? - Trevor, what's wrong?

I was having a nightmare.

- A nightmare I was gay. - Me, too.

I was having a gay nightmare, and I was gay in it.

Oh, come here. I got you.

- You're not gay. - You're not gay either.

I've got you.

[SIGHS]

- [SIGHS] - Oh.

- What is it? - I don't know.

I guess I just thought that if I got everything I ever wanted

- I'd somehow feel... - Complete?

Yeah, but I guess I still feel...

- Empty inside? - Yeah.

It's like I just wish there was...

Someone who has gone through

exactly what you've gone through

and know exactly how you feel?

Oh, my God,

I do have that person.

- That person is... - Me.

No. I was gonna say "you."

But, Trevor, when you say "you,"

it means "me."

I...

I love you, Craig.

I love you, too, Trevor.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPITS]

[SPITS]

[BOTH MOANING]

[NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA BY ASHLEY FAATOALIA PLAYING]

- [GRUNTING] - Oh, yeah!

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

- [OBJECTS SHATTERING] - Aw, fuck!

Oh, yeah! Oh!

[NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA CONTINUES]

- [SONG ENDS] - [RHYTHMIC BANGING]

- [CRAIG AND TREVOR GRUNTING] - What the fuck?

[BOTH SIGH]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Oh, my God. - Oh, wow.

- [LAUGHS] - [MOANS]

- That was so hot. - That was so hot.

And easy. Everything made sense and was comfortable.

- Easy, easy. - [SIGHS]

- Anal's easy. - Anal is easy.

It takes no practice to learn.

I didn't douche. Did you douche?

I didn't. No. I don't know what douching is.

CRAIG: Yeah.

[TREVOR SIGHS]

CRAIG: So, then after cumming,

we laid there cuddling all night.

- It was beautiful. - I feel so lucky

to have found the only person in the whole world

who is as smart, awesome,

big-dicked, and smart as me.

And as fate would have it,

the person most like me

is my identical twin. Crazy.

- Crazy. - It's crazy.

- It's crazy. - Crazy.

- Babe, look at me. - Yeah?

- It's crazy. - I'm sorry, I just...

I find this so moving.

Okay, if anyone has any reason

this couple should not be wed,

speak now or forever hold your...

- [DOOR BANGS OPEN] - [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]

[SHOUTING ANGRILY]

WOMAN: This is not what the Bible says.

What the fuck?

You do the math. This don't work.

Stop, stop, stop, you fucking assholes!

I command you.

- Why should we listen to you? - OTHERS: Yeah!

Because I am God!

[ALL GASPING]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Now listen and listen good,

you self-righteous,

- judgmental flops. - [GASPING]

Two twin brothers marrying each other,

it sounds like an abomination,

and yet, it's not.

Because love in all its forms,

is a divine thing given to you by me,

who, again, is God.

But, Father, they're fucking twins.

Is that Sister Tammy?

[SCOFFS] You shouldn't judge.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away,

- but cum ain't apples. - [MURMURING]

- Gross! - Who is?

They are.

I don't do any of that nasty stuff.

I only have procreative sex with my wife.

- WOMAN: Yeah! - Lights off, eyes closed,

just as you intended, my Lord.

Don't put that shit on me, Steve.

Fucked up men, Yes, men,

took my words and changed the meaning.

I mean, you sticking your sloppy hard wiener

into your wife's wet hole?

That's disgusting, too.

Well, goddamn, if he ain't right about that.

When he explained it like that,

- I got it. - I never thought of it

- in that way. - I mean, it makes sense.

Look at these twins.

They're vile. Misogynists.

[SCOFFS] Pigs. Perverts.

- Depraved little sex pests... - Okay, we get it, God.

Yeah, relax, God.

But they love themselves,

in every sense of the word.

That's why I brought them together,

to teach you

that all love is love.

Damn, this story ended up good.

Oh, fuck it, I'm putting this one in the Bible.

[ALL CHEERING]

Oh, Harris.

We share a love

That can't be ignored

A love sent to us

From our holy fucking Lord

This guy. [GIGGLES]

I have no pussy

And I'm straight and gay

BOTH: People may judge us

But this is what we'll say

All love is love

Even when it's ugly

All love is love

Even when it's wrong

All love is love

Like a woman who fucks men made out of sand

All love is gross

But all love is love

You are my brother

My family, my kin

We share a bond

That comes from deep within

But our love has grown

Now it's ancient and divine

We'll fuck each other's assholes

Till we can't tell yours from mine

All love is love

Even when it's ugly

All love is love

Even when it's wrong

All love is love

Like a man who gets a blow job from a horse

- Wow. - All love is gross

But all love is love

- Oh! - Oh!

I now pronounce these twin brothers

legally married.

[ALL CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES]

That's got to be a first. That's got to be a first.

God loves all of you

because God is all of you.

God is man and woman.

God is Black and white.

God is straight and gay.

What, hold on, what? You're gay?

- GOD: Yeah, obviously... - [ALL GASP]

...amongst other things, but my point is that...

No, totally, we hear you. God is gay.

All love is love All love is love

God is a faggot

And all love is love

That's not exactly my point.

All love is love All love is love

God is a faggot and all love is love

All love is love All love is love

God is a faggot and all love is love

Everybody!

[ALL SINGING]

Sing along!

Can't hear you.

TREVOR AND CRAIG: You're a bigot!

- All love is love - That's what I said.

- All love is love - GOD: Even incest.

- All love is love - GOD: Love a fruit.

All love is love

- Hallelujah! - All love is love

- All love is love - All love is love

All love is love

- All love is love - Oh

- All love is love - God is a faggot

- All love is love - Sing God is a faggot

- All love is love - Oh, God is a faggot

- All love is love - Yeah

All love is love

Yay, yeah!

[BOTH SINGING]

Check out the New New Testament.

Coming this Christmas.

- [ALL CHEERING] - And all love

Is love

[CARRYING NOTE]

[MUSIC ENDS]

The end.

[LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

- Surprise! - Surprise!

Oh, I looked right into camera.

[LAUGHING]

It doesn't really go in there.

[MAN SPEAKING]

- Spit it? - MAN: Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

Yes, we can.

[NATHAN LANE LAUGHING]

Uh, whatever. Y'all fucked up.

[LAUGHING]

Kids, listen, we love you, but

we will never... get married.

[LAUGHING]

BOTH: Mom?

Let's go home and discuss it, eh?

Let's go home and get in the bed

and discuss it in my puss.

[LAUGHS]

CRAIG: ...if you do what we want and get married.

- [GROANS] - Oh, for fuck's sake.

Eat me.

[LAUGHING]

Tiddles. Titties. Craig.

Trevor Brock. My two top salesmen.

I feel like it says "Titties." I keep forgetting.

[LAUGHTER]

[GASPS]

Of all the humiliations I've had in show business,

and they are legion,

this may be the most humiliating moment...

- [LAUGHTER] - ...I've ever had.

[MAN SPEAKING]

[COUGHS]

[JOSH SHARP SPEAKING]

- [AARON JACKSON SPEAKING] - [LAUGHS]

MAN: Set.

My prize pig.

CRAIG: I wanna be a prize pig.

Hey, baby,

you could be a prize pig in my bed when I fuck you.

[LAUGHTER]

- Okay. - [LAUGHTER]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I am the lady, the bitch, the boss, rich...

Don't put a gender on my title.

Yeah, and, lady, I'm Craig, so...

Lady? Yes, um, well...

I forgot what the fuck I was supposed to say.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, this time, let's improvise.

- [LAUGHTER] - Oh, God, no.

That's-that's bad.

'Cause then it's just a lot of potty talk.

- Mom! - Dad!

- Dad? - Mommy!

MAN: Cut!

I hope he's a big macho guy like me.

Um, yeah, listen, I would love to talk about that, obviously,

but this is actually Mom's house, so I got to go now.

Oh, God!

[LAUGHING]

Okay, bye-bye. [LAUGHS]

MAN: Yeah, that's good, but I think

also maybe a little more open-handed, if possible.

- Okay. - MAN: Yeah, like that.

- That's good. Okay, good. - Yeah. Oh, God.

- MAN: Thank you. - Oh, God.

- Ugh. God... - MAN: Oh, God.

Open-handed pussy.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- [CRIES OUT] - [LAUGHING]

- Hop on. - [GRUNTS]

Yeah, get right under here,

- you'll feel much better. - Okay.

EVELYN: Oh. Oh. HARRIS: Oh!

[EVELYN SPEAKING]

Shh.

Shh.

- I loved a girl some... - Shh. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

Single-parent families are not homes, that's true.

Single-parent homes are not families, that's true.

Single-parent families are not homes, that's true. Fuck!

[LAUGHING]

That's-that's my other autobiography title.

- [LAUGHTER] - "Fresh bag of ham."

No! No!

No! [COUGHS]

Surprise, I'm in this movie.

[LAUGHTER]

I do want

More...

[CLEARS THROAT] Sorry. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

And cut.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

It's a gay old life

- Being queer - I have no pussy

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]