All language subtitles for All in the Family - S01E02 - Writing the President

From television
city in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Edith! Yeah?

Why are you cookin' garments?

Gloria's boilin'
one of Mike's shirts.

The dye in it was
giving him a rash.

Why don't you boil him instead?

Dye. Give me somethin' to
take the taste out of my mouth.

What'd you make
here, instant coffee?

No, it's fresh perked.
Well, it tastes like instant.

It's fresh perked, though. Okay, it's
fresh perked, but it tastes like instant.

I heard you. But
it's fresh perked.

I accept that it's fresh perked!

But it tastes like instant, huh?

You're a pip. You
know that? A real pip.

We got nothin' for lunch but crackers
here? Gloria went to the market.

You know we always do a big
shopping every Saturday morning.

Every Saturday. God forbid
one week you do it on a Friday.

You gotta watch out
for that "rigid-idness."

It'll wharf your
whole personality.

Hey, you. Get away
from that TV set.

You know I watch football
highlights every week at this time.

I know, but channel 13 is rerunning that
special on pollution with Jack lemmon.

When I want to learn
anything about pollution,

I don't have to learn
it from no millionaire

actor who's got
nothin' better to do...

Than sit on his duff
dreamin' up causes.

If he wants to
unpollute somethin',

let him unpollute the
movies... all them nudies.

Archie, you're always
watching football.

I think it's important that we learn
about our polluted environment.

You're pollutin' my environment.

Now, get away from my set.

Can't we at least sit down like
rational people and discuss this?

Discuss. Why with you has always
everything gotta be like a meetin'?

Because in a meeting people sit
down together and exchange ideas.

Okay. Okay. Sit down, then, huh?

Now, let me hear
your idea again. Okay.

I want us to watch Jack lemmon
and a group of famous scientists...

Discuss pollution and
ecology on channel 13.

Good. And I wanna watch
football highlights on channel 2.

Now, guess what's gonna happen.

You're gonna watch football
highlights on channel 2.

Meeting adjourned.

Hey, Edith, let me
have some beer in here.

What do you want, bottle or can?

We never buy bottles.

I'll bring you a can.

Oh, what a dingbat.

All right, now, here
it is. Now, keep quiet.

The giants and the rams.

There they go... hey! Hey!
Hey! Look at that spook run!

Archie!

Can they move!
It's in their blood.

If you're talkin' about a black
man, would you call him that, huh?

- And what do you mean, running
like that is in his blood?
- Well, it is.

It's inherited.

He got that from his forefathers
when he was runnin' through the jungle.

You know? Through thorns and thickets,
barefooted, with a tiger on his butt.

You know everything
about the black man, boy.

Well, more than you.

I used to know a whole flock
of them in the old neighborhood.

There was a guy,
roundtree cumberbatch,

him and me used
to be close buddies.

You never knew
anybody by that name.

You just made it up.

I made up a name like roundtree
cumberbatch? Yeah. Yeah.

You made it up to put down a
black man. What are you tellin' me?

That some of your coloreds don't
have funny names? Oh, yeah, sure they do.

Like Roy Wilkins, uh, Whitney
young, uh, James Baldwin.

Yeah, or al jolson.

I heard of all them guys.

They got plenty of your
roundtree cumberbatches too.

They named 'em after Pullman
cars and railroad stations.

Come on. You don't believe
me? It's a fact. Look it up.

All right, Edith,
leave it there.

Hi. I'm back. It's about time.

Let me help you. Wait till
you see what I got here.

That rash you got from the
dye, Michael? That decided me.

From now on I wanna know
what's in everything I buy.

So I stopped off at the health food
store and got some natural foods.

Anything for sandwiches? You can't
get anything more natural than baloney.

What do you got here?

"Organic eggs"?

"Tiger's milk." What's that?

"Wheat germ oil."

"Decimated liver..."

What is all this garbage?

Where's my crunchy cereal with
the animal cutouts on the box?

They say there's no nutritional
value in that cereal, daddy.

- What?
- That's right. They just did a study.

Nutritionally,
that cereal... zilch.

Zilch, huh? Have you
any idea the famous

athletes and coaches
that were brung up on that?

And I mean the
all-time all-timers.

Forty years I been eatin' it, and I'm as
good shape today as the day I was born.

- My bowels are regular...
- Oh, Archie!

What's that? Get out of my way,
will ya. I'm missin' somethin' here.

I missed it. The
play of the week.

Alvin haymond's 88-yard run-back,
and I missed it. It's your fault!

Why are you
watching that anyway?

Michael, didn't you tell him about
Jack lemmon? Get away from that dial.

All right. For now we'll just
turn down the sound. Why?

Because I wanna say something.

Oh, another meetin'. Gee.

Now, daddy, this set is always
tuned to what you want to watch.

Just this once, can't
you share a little? Huh?

This special, it's important
to Michael and me.

Yeah, because it's
tearin' the country down.

That's what you like... to watch a
bunch of jerks tearin' the country down.

Pollution is a fact of life, and
it's not just america. It's worldwide.

This special with Jack lemmon...
Leave me alone about that.

And you know what you can
do with your Jack lemmon.

And you know what you can do with
your John Wayne. What about John Wayne?

Before you say
anything, let me warn you.

When you're talkin'
about the Duke,

you ain't just talkin'
about an actor.

You're talkin' about the
spirit that made america great.

Are you kiddin'?

Is he... is he... ma.

Is he kidding?

He'd lay down his
life for the Duke.

For me, no. The Duke, yeah.

Anyway, daddy, why can't you
watch Jack lemmon with us?

We watched John Wayne's TV
special with you. That was different.

The Duke's special was all about
america, and I mean the real america.

Oh. Oh.

Then it must have been all
about our racial problems.

Sing out, sweet land, it was
called, and it was beautiful.

The crisis in the cities. He must've
had a hundred stars with him.

The war in Vietnam.
Sing out, sweet land.

It was all about what's good with
america. It was all about John Wayne.

Well, John Wayne is what's good with
america. Is what's good with america.

I'll tell you something
else, wise guy.

You can take your Jack lemmons, your
Paul newmans and your marlo brandons,

you put 'em all together, they
ain't fit to hold the Duke's coat.

Any one of those guys has got
more brains in his little finger...

Than John Wayne's
got in his whole body.

Nuts to you. You
don't believe me?

Maybe you'll believe
the Duke himself. What?

Excuse me, young lady. You
just happen to be sitting here.

Would you be kind enough to
ask Mr. John Wayne the question?

Mr. Wayne, is it true that
any one of those guys...

Got more brains
in his little finger...

Than you've got in
your whole body?

I'm afraid so, ma'am.

Very, very funny.

Let me tell youse two somethin'.

You got a very
wharfed sense of humor.

Here. I found an old
box of crunchies.

Well, have some.

Show the kids how it
pulls you out of a slump.

Gloria, I found these
with the groceries.

Oh, the air mail stamps.
They're for Michael. Oh, good.

I can mail my letter today, it'll
get to Washington by Monday.

Washington? Are you
writing to Washington?

That's right. Michael
wrote the president.

Writin' to the
president? About what?

All the things we've
been talking about...

The pollution of our air,
the pollution of our water,

the way us housewives have no
protection from foods without nutrition,

how they make products
with harmful things in 'em.

You saw what happened to Michael
from that shirt. He got a rash.

Wait a minute. You're writin'
to the president about that?

You, Michael stivic,
meathead, you have the nerve...

To write to the president of the
United States about your rash?

Maybe he knows a good skin man.

I didn't write about a rash.

It's like Gloria said. I wrote
about a lot of things...

Pollution, race relations,
the war in Vietnam.

The war in Vietnam? You'd better
let me see that letter. No, no.

This is sealed. It's private and
personal between the president and me.

I demand to know the contents of
that letter. It's between Nixon and me.

President Nixon. What's
wrong with plain "Nixon"?

Look in the paper. They do it all
the time... Nixon this, Nixon that.

That's their business, but in this
house we show the proper respect.

You don't like "president
Nixon," call him "Mr. Nixon."

Or tricky dicky.

What?

You was callin' him
that eight years ago.

Eight years ago
he was a civilian,

who now happens to be
commander-in-chief of the United States.

And he's doin' a
good job of it too.

Let me tell you
somethin', wise guy.

Mr. Nixon didn't get us
into Vietnam, he inherited it,

just like he inherited inflation
and integration and pollution.

Or are you gonna tell me that
Mr. Nixon invented pollution?

No. But what's
he doing about it?

"What's he doing about it?"

Daddy, there isn't a
major city in this country...

Where the drinking water
isn't below safe standards.

Well, let me ask you this, Washington,
D.C. bein' one of your major cities...

Would you say the drinking water
there is becomin' unsafe? Yeah.

Well, that's where
I got both of youse.

Because if the drinking water in
Washington, D.C. is becomin' unsafe,

do you think that Mr. Nixon
would let tricia drink it?

You can't answer that, can you?

I'll tell you
somethin', wise guy.

You see, you don't understand
your basic simplistics.

Your biggest problems always burn
themselves down to the human factor.

I mean to say the president,
after all, is only a man.

Right, and he's
in the wrong job.

Is that what you said to him
in that letter? Give me that.

A pipsqueak like you, you have the
nerve to insult the commander-in-chief...

That's my return
address on there.

You're insultin' president
Nixon from my return address?

You must have a screw loose.

You left-wing, radical,
liberal, meatheaded Polack!

Give me the letter! You're
not gettin' this. No, no!

Come on, daddy! Oh, no!

Give me that letter!
It's my letter! Oh, no!

Hold it! Hold it!

This letter gets mailed from
this house over my dead body.

All right, Archie, enough's
enough. Just give me the letter.

You're tampering with the United States
mail, daddy. That's a federal offense.

So is excitement to riot.

The letter...

The letter is not gonna
incite anyone to riot.

The letter is between a
citizen and his government.

I've heard you say it a hundred times,
Archie... the government works for me.

That's right. I said, "the government
works for me." Not you, meathead.

The government works for
taxpayers and breadwinners...

And people who
contribute to society.

You're such a contributor, why don't
you write a letter to the president?

Because I got
nothin' to beef about.

I knew you'd cop out, daddy.

You just talk, that's all.
I'll tell you what I'll do...

The last time he wrote a
letter was to the phone company.

Edith, stifle yourself.
The language he used.

Edith, I said stifle yourself.

And then he wouldn't sign the
letter. I wouldn't have neither.

Edith, I told you
to stifle yourself!

You gonna write
to the president?

Yes, I am! Good.

Then you can mail your
letter and let me mail mine.

Oh, no, no. You don't get this letter
to mail till I'm ready to mail mine.

- Mail 'em together.
- No, mine has to go into
the mailbox before yours.

That way, the president reads mine
first, he'll be able to stomach yours.

Edith, uh, get me our
embossed personal stationery.

You know, with the initials
intertwined on the top.

Archie, we don't have
no writing paper like that.

Edith, our personal stationery.

It was a gift from that no-neck
cousin of yours works for w.T. Grant.

You know, a wedding present.

Oh, Archie,

for heaven's sake,
that was 22 years ago.

What difference does it
make how long ago it was, huh?

You save everything else. You
certainly must have saved that.

Edith, I can't write to
the president of the

United States unless
I'm gonna do it right.

What are you
sharpening a pencil for?

First draft.

Well, we got ballpoint pens.

Ballpoint pens? I can't write to
the president with ballpoint pens.

I need real ink. Whatever
happened to my waterman?

Your waterman?

Fifteen bucks. Guaranteed
to last me a lifetime.

It must be lastin' somebody else's
lifetime. We got ballpoint pens.

Look at this stationery.
"Hercules plumbing"?

That's the company I used to
work for before we was married.

And you saved this, huh?

And our embossed stationery with
the initials intertwined at the top,

there it is, gone.

Maybe it'll get to
the president faster...

If they think you own
a plumbing company.

You're a dingbat.

Let me get started. You go over there
and finish pastin' your tradin' stamps.

That's a good idea. I got almost
enough to fill another book.

If we get three and a half books,
I can buy that bathroom scale.

Edith, please.

I hope the kids are out.

Don't worry. They
went for a long walk.

Nobody's here to bother you.

You'll have absolute silence.

Perfect quiet.

Nobody goin' back and forth.

Nobody talk-talk...

Dear Mr. President,

your honor,

sir...

Dear Mr. President,

Your honor,

sir...

Will you stop lickin'
and bangin' over there?

Oh, you're breakin' up
my whole concentration!

Oh, I'm sorry. What have
you got down so far?

"Dear Mr. President,
your honor, sir."

Yeah, go on.

How much more do you expect me to do
with you lickin' and bangin' over there?

Here, I got a good idea. You
come over here. Come here.

Yeah, come on over.

Now, you sit down there...

And you write what I dictate.

Oh, Archie, oh, I don't know.

I'm too nervous.
It's to the president.

What are you nervous about?

I'm gonna do the
whole thing. Go ahead.

You just write what I tell ya.

What do you got there? Nothin'.

What do you mean? I
wrote a whole introduction.

"Dear Mr. President,
your honor, sir."

Oh, that... that's lousy.

What? What you read.

That's what you wrote. I
know, but you read it so rotten!

I think it was the words.

Read them same words over again.

Read 'em with a little
feeling, huh? Go ahead.

"Dear Mr. President,

your honor, sir."

Yes! Beautiful words.

I only hope Mr. Nixon
reads 'em that way.

Oh, Edith, please, will ya!

It's tough enough writin' a letter to
the top man in the whole free world,

so just stifle your comments
and write what I tell ya.

Dear Mr. President,
your honor, sir,

uh, as one of your
faithful constitutionals,

I...

No, no, that's wrong.
That's wrong, that's wrong.

Uh, read it back to me again.

"Dear Mr. President..."

Jump over that and
read the new stuff!

"As one of your faithful
constitutionals..."

Wrong! What?

The word is wrong! Why
did you write it down?

There's somebody at the door.

Go on, answer the
bell. Let me in there.

And no matter who it
is, we ain't home, huh?

How am I gonna tell 'em we ain't
home if I'm standin' there talkin' to 'em?

Try.

Good afternoon. Oh,
good afternoon, sister.

We're collecting money...

For the St. januarius
underprivileged children's hospital.

Oh, I think my husband
gave at the office.

Uh, we don't solicit aid in
commercial institutions.

Just neighborhoods, families.

Oh, I see.

Archie, the sister is collecting
for the underprivileged children.

I gave at the office.

It must've been a different
nun. You do look alike.

Edith, come over here. I need
some help. I'm searching for a word.

He's searching for a word.

Maybe the sister could help you!

Ahh... yeah. Maybe
she could at that.

Uh, uh, come on in,
sister. Step right in.

Get out of the way, Edith.

Hi, sister. I bet you was wonderin'
what I was doing at the table.

No, actually I was... well, in case
you was wonderin' what I was doin'...

I wasn't. Now, if you'll...

Would you let me tell you what I
was doin' over there at the table?

I was writin' a letter to the
president of the United States...

To fill him in on how the people of
this neighborhood are thinkin' and feelin'.

Yes, well, I'm sure you
know the feelings...

Of this particular constituency.

That's the word.
Thank you, sister.

I gotta get back to work.

Edith, give the sister a
generous contribution.

Edith, just a minute. Before
you do, come over here.

Nothin' more than half a buck.

No matter what they tell
ya, most of what you give 'em,

they buy golden
candlesticks with it.

Edith.

Edith, this is gonna be
good. You know that?

Yeah.

I think Mr. Nixon
is gonna love this.

Ladies and gentlemen, from
the east room of the white house,

the president of
the United States.

My fellow Americans,

tonight I want to read you a letter
I've just received from a private citizen.

It starts, of course,
with a highly proper...

"Dear Mr. President,
your honor, sir."

Now let me make one
thing perfectly clear.

I love that beginning.

This citizen
writes, and I quote:

"I personally don't agree with all the
'confregration' on the college campuses...

"Or them ecology nuts...

"Who only see disaster in
this great country of ours.

"But like Duke Wayne would say,

"we came up off the mat
before when the goin' was tough,

"and I know so long as
we all work together,

"this nation under god...

"Shall not diminish
from the earth.

"Anyway, my regards
to your vice, Mr. Agnew.

"And special regards...

"To Mrs. Nixon and tricia,

"who I know you wouldn't
let drink no water...

Exceptin' the best."

This terrific letter was
written by Mr. Archie bunker,

and in your president's opinion,

Archie bunker is...

One... great... American.

You finish your
letter yet, daddy?

You had enough time to
write the whole congress.

You keep your pants on, hotshot.

This just might be the best letter
that was ever wrote to a president.

Good. Let's go mail
'em. Oh, no, you don't.

If anybody mails these, it's
gonna be me. Why don't we both go?

It's only a block. We'll all go.

Yeah, I figured we would.

Just imagine.

Two letters to the
president from one house.

That don't happen every day.
We'd better get going. Let's go.

Now, wait a minute. Hold
your horses, everybody.

Oh, Archie, you go first. Here.

Come on. The last
pickup is 4:30. We'll be late.

That was so thrilling.

Imagine, two letters
to the president...

From the same house.

Every American ought
to write to his president.

Yeah. It feels
good being a citizen.

It's wonderful to be involved.

Archie. Mmm?

Did you jiggle? What?

The mailbox. You
put the letters in.

Afterwards, did you jiggle?

Certainly I jiggled...

Wait a minute.

I... no, uh...

Did either of youse two jiggle?

I didn't jiggle. I thought
you jiggled, daddy.

Well, I always did all
my life, but I don't know.

Edith, what do you
think we oughta do?

I think we'd better go jiggle.

Why didn't you jiggle, meathead?
You put the letters in the box!

Can't I rely on you to do nothin'
right? The man that mails, jiggles!

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.