Original subtitles

Okay, now let's turn the page. Now, this is a high quality product.

Look at that workmanship.

Kids, we talked about side chatter.

We've been dealing with these little weird toys

called Labubus since the top of the year.

The kids are obsessed, and I don't even know

how they're getting them.

I mean, they're really expensive.

And that usually protects us from the worst kid crazes,

But these little demons found a way.

The toys, not the students.

Keep your Labubus in your backpack.

It is distracting.

Margaret, hand it to me.

Wait. This isn't a Labubu. What is this?

It's a Lafufu. A what?

And I'm selling over $5 a pop.

No, you're not. Okay. $4?

Now you're talking.

Sold! [ Giggles ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Yawns ]

Everyone shut the hell up.

It's Teacher Appreciation Night at the Phillies game tomorrow,

and we're going.

The whole school?

Obviously not. We have eight tickets.

So far it's me and O'Shon.

Two non-teachers.

A beautiful principal and a sexy tech genius.

A ticket for Mr. Johnson, of course.

Also not a teacher. Yes, but he deserves one

because he was in the Negro Leagues.

Whoa! He was?

Can y'all stop interrupting my generosity?

For the last five tickets... I don't know.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel...

Gregory. Yeah. I'm down.

I've been meaning to get to a game this season.

I'll bring my scorebook.

Melissa? I've been trying to get to bed early,

but you know what they say.

You are only alive this one brief time.

I don't know. Barbara? Yes, please.

Oh, I can't wait to see that Kyle Schwarber.

You know Kyle Schwarber? Barbara: Know him.

He's the best left-handed power bat in the National League.

I've been meaning to talk to him about his stance, though.

You know, it is hurting him against the southpaws.

[ Chuckles ]

What? I'm a baseball diva.

Gerald and I, well, we've been watching the game

since before you were born.

Ava: Oh, okay.

Maybe...

Jacob. Yes!

Citizens Bank Park and the Phillies

have this Red Goes Green sustainability program.

It's a -- It's pretty punk rock.

And the last ticket...

♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪

Janine, I guess.

Oh, no.

Um, it's okay, 'cause I don't really like baseball.

I've tried watching it on TV.

It's just kind of boring and I don't understand it.

I can never find the ball. It is so small.

It's okay. I'll pass. You can... Gregory: Trust me.

You will fall in love with the game in person.

It is a completely different feeling.

She'll take the ticket. Well, that's everyone then.

Thank me later. And I mean it with y'all ungrateful asses. [ Bell rings ]

So it's just Principal Coleman and her friends?

Every. Single. Day.

Did you get my text? Yeah. Yeah, it sounds cool. Thank you.

I haven't been to a game in forever, you know?

Anyway, you and I are getting on the PhanaVision kiss cam,

so plan accordingly.

Okay, but you can't just get on the kiss cam.

It's random. Look at me. Look at you.

We're gonna be on camera. True. Alright. Bet.

Oh, also, we're taking my car.

I can't be seen in your hooptie.

But they don't have cameras in the parking lot.

You don't know that for sure. We can't take that chance.

Can you see it? Ooh, thank God this day is over.

I'm ready for baseball.

It's gonna be so much fun.

As long as you don't wear that hat.

Yeah. I didn't know it was bobblehead night.

[ Gasps ] Hat on a hat.

You're not gonna get hit with a baseball.

You don't need to wear a helmet.

Yes, I'm sure everyone thinks that until wha-pap!

Ohh. Yeah, I've seen the YouTube blooper compilations.

It's going to be great, I promise.

It's gonna be better than great.

We are visiting the first team to join

the Environmental Protection Agency's

Green Power Partnership Program that --

Jacob. Jacob, don't ruin baseball.

It's going to be a blast.

You got food, you got beer, you got a place to sit.

God-fearing men playing for His glory.

And they're nice enough to do it in tight pants.

Both: Amen. What's not to love?

Well, some people go for the love of the sport,

but, you know, whatever... gets you to the ballpark.

Well, then let's hop to it.

'Cause I gotta count all of the players wearing crosses

before I talk to Schwarbs. Wait, they play in jewelry?

Isn't that dangerous? No?

You got everything? Yeah, I got my phone.

You sure? Yeah.

Alright, we can do this later.

Come on. Can't miss the first pitch.

Really? A book? It's in case I get bored.

You know, I thought about bringing a wet blanket,

but I see we already got one.

You know, every time a Phillies player hits a home run,

they plant a tree in the Delaware Valley.

Jacob, you cannot do this to me for the whole game.

Please. Hold up.

Me? Oh. Am I not allowed to wear the batting helmet?

It's weird, but you can.

But that bag can't come in. Oh. Oh, my God.

Hey, guys, just go on without me!

We'll be right -- They are gone.

Damn, they ain't even look back. All bags need to be

clear, small, or left in your car. Alright, you know what?

You just go ahead in and, um, I'm going to run back to the car

really fast, okay?

I just need the keys. And where did we park?

Also, how would one get to our seats?

It's okay. We'll just go together. Yeah.

Baker: And now the starting lineup

for the visiting Atlanta Braves.

Maybe we go quickly? Yeah? Yeah.

Hop on my back.

Gregory, I can run. Jesus.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Actually, um, if I -- I'll do the back.

Yeah? Yeah.

Here we go.

[ Indistinct music playing, cheering ]

Baker: It's a beautiful night for baseball.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Remember, we have to sit in the middle of the road.

The PhanaVision cameras never go for the aisle.

Seeing the stairs makes the ballpark look empty.

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

[ Cellphone camera shutter clicks ]

Mr. Johnson, how'd you beat us here?

I know some people.

They let me use a special entrance.

You came in through the tunnel?

Isn't that where the Phillie Phanatic comes out?

You know what? I don't even know why I asked.

Just stay focused.

Hey, Barb, which seat do you want?

Kyle! Kyle Schwarber!

Kyle! It's me! Barbara Howard!

I'm a teacher! Look over here!

That's a dedicated woman right there. Yeah.

Baker: It's Teacher Appreciation Night at Citizens Bank Park.

Wow. We are really close.

Good thing I brought protection.

I mean my helmet. Oh. Yeah. I -- I know.

Um, these are nice seats, right?

Feels good to be teacher appreciated.

Yeah. Alright. Score card.

pen, red pin, permanent marker.

We made it. Whoo!

Alright. So, ball game -- check. Uh-huh.

Peanuts and Cracker Jack -- when?

Because they really hyped that up in the song.

Uh, soon. The vendors will come by. Oh, they come by?

How would they know when we're hungry? [ Organ playing ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Oh! Oh! Is it a home run?

Uh, no. The game just started.

Oh. [ Spectators booing ]

Oh. Uh-oh. Now they're booing.

Well, they hate the other team.

Ah. Right. Yeah.

Okay. You're smiling. What happened?

First pitch. Right on time. Oh! [ Chuckles ]

Which one is Mike Schmidt?

Come on, Phillies! Let's go! Let's go!

What happened? I can't see.

[ Spectators shouting ]

You know, I bet they could start collecting

all of the sunflower seeds and, uh, the peanut shells

and save them for compost. I'm gonna kill this guy.

Don't those two live together?

Stop worrying about them.

Look forward, stay sexy and lock in.

I wonder where the landscaping team sits.

Hey, Gregory! Huh?

Do you know -- Okay, that's enough.

I'm going to the concession stand.

Excuse me, Barb. Oh, I'll come with.

I want to get a closer look at their dual-stream trash cans.

They're made out of HDPE recycled plastics.

It's basically trash made out of trash.

Yeah, well, Mr. Johnson would like that.

Hey, where's Mr. Johnson? Where did Mr. Johnson go?

I don't know, but he's missing the Phanatic.

[ Cheering, clapping, organ music playing ]

♪♪

Oh, did you put on that lip mask I gave you last night?

No, I was never gonna do that.

[ Sighs ] Put this on.

So my lips look dewy after the kiss cam kiss.

Uh, yeah. Nah, baby.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Baker: Now batting for the Phillies,

number 12, designated hitter Kyle Schwarber!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Baker: That's the swing bell!

Did you know that somewhere in this ballpark,

there is a Phillies garden

that provides fresh produce -- For the love of God,

Jacob, please. What? It's inspiring.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna do the 9-9-9 challenge.

Oh, is that where you try and swallow, like,

nine ounces of cinnamon or something? No. What? No.

It's nine hot dogs, nine beers, in nine innings. Oh, okay.

Yeah. What, like, for a cause?

Yeah, the cause is it'll shut you up.

Alright. Uh... Okay, but also,

if you successfully complete the challenge,

I'm gonna give you your own shelf in the fridge at home.

I don't know, it seems like a lot of processed food.

I was gonna get a cheesesteak. [ Scoffs ] Yeah, right.

What, with the organic Cheez Whiz?

Without.

No dogs, no shelf.

Now, are we talking in addition to the door shelf

I already have? Instead of.

I am in. Okay.

Two dogs and two beers, please. The ladies, pay them.

Thank you. Perfect.

Hey, where do you guys source your dogs?

♪ I love ♪ ♪ Living in the fast lane ♪

♪ I love ♪ Whoo!

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

So he, uh, spilled his popcorn on me,

so I'm guessing something good happened.

Explain it to me like I'm five.

Oh, well, we're in between plays.

I think he just really liked the batter's walk up song.

This just isn't for me.

I might go home at halftime.

Don't tell me they don't have a halftime.

Baker: It's time for the Phillies Dance Cam!

♪♪

♪ Gangnam style, op, op, op, op ♪

Well, this part is fun.

I like this.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.

You! You!

[ Stammering ]

My girlfriend's on the Dance Cam!

The girlfriend's on the Dance Cam!

She's on the aisle! They're all on the aisle!

Who the hell is running this thing?!

Baker: Look at that little girl go!

I think we have our winner!

Oh, my God!

No one ever beats a kid!

[ Squeals ]

Go, Phillies!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, my God. Another one.

That's -- That's two -- That's two home runs.

Is he gonna do it? Is he gonna do it?

Yes!

And the crowd goes... Wild! Ahh!

Okay. Look alive, kid. Round six, coming up.

[ Chuckles ] How you feeling?

I feel incredible. Alright.

This is easy shelf, honey.

The hell'd you call me?

What's up? Oh, no.

What -- What if we did, like, the 6-6-6 challenge?

You know? No, huh-uh. Man up or give up.

You choose.

Where you been Mr. Johnson>

Handlin' business.

Why don't you try mindin' your own, handsome?

Oh, my God. What?

Baker: If you're looking for the Phillie Phanatic, don't worry.

He's loading the hot dog cannon.

Oh. That sounds fun, right?

I have other plans.

Babe, I'm gonna run to the bathroom after this inning,

but I need you to keep an eye on Mr. Johnson while I'm gone.

For example, does he stay in his seat?

If not, where does he go?

Uhn-uhn, either go to the bathroom now

or wait till the next inning starts.

The Kiss Cam happens in between innings,

and I need you on your mark.

Alright, alright. I'll be right back.

Oh, no. The other team hit the ball.

And it stopped by Sosa.

Sosa fires to Turner. Turner fires to Harper.

Oh, my God, it's in the glove!

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's it?!

Wait! No! Foul! Very good.

Challenge!

Okay. Chow down, buddy. There you go.

What? Yeah. Triple play.

It's almost the bottom of the inning.

Almost time for another round.

Ohm my God! God, I feel so alive.

Gregory, write that down. Write down I feel alive.

See? Baseball. Yeah.

Oh.

My God, look at this! This is community.

You didn't tell me about the community.

I thought it was a given.

Baker: Pucker up, buttercup. It's time for Kiss Cam!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ooh, where is he?

Men never have to wait for the bathroom.

That's the whole point of being a man.

Who are you even talking to?

[ Laughter ]

He's not my man. [ Chuckles ]

I certainly am not. Ew.

What do you mean "ew"? Don't "ew" me.

[ Mockingly ] Ew.

Over here! Over here!

Kyle! Kyle Schwarber!

You are up next.

You've been out on your front foot.

Do it like this.

Schwarber! Over here!

[ Thump! ] Oh!

Ohh.

Baker: Hope that little girl is okay.

Anything can happen at a Phillies game.

Can we get that camera off them now?

That young man is gonna be sick!

Everything looks okay.

Although your breathing's a little weird.

Oh, no. That's normal. Big energy, little lungs.

Right. Well, take it easy in here for a bit.

Just to be sure. I'll check back in a few.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ] Janine, I'm sorry.

You didn't even want to come to this game,

and now you're on the injured list and receiving first aid.

I just wanted you to love baseball as much as I did,

but I forced it, and now...

I love it.

You what? Yes.

I mean, look, I might not know

what a "6-4-3 three triple" play is

or how to "read a scoreboard" or where we even parked,

but I do know this --

I'm gonna walk out of this ballpark with stories

I'm gonna tell forever and even more love for my city.

[ Exhales sharply ]

And if that's baseball, then swing, batta batta,

I love it!

[ Chuckles ] Ow.

You sure you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

40,000 people watching the same game,

eating the same snacks, waiting for a fumble -- Strike out.

I get why they call it "the beautiful game." Soccer.

It feels like you belong to something bigger.

[ Door opens ]

Hi. I'm Cooper with the Phillies.

You must be Janine. I am.

Wait, am I famous now? [ Chuckles ]

Well, we will take the free season tickets... Uh-huh.

...and I am literally the biggest Phillies fan I think ever.

I got something better than season tickets.

How would you like to meet the Phillie Phanatic?

Even better. Are there tickets still an option?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Barbara: He did it again! That's three times!

Baker: And that's swing number three --

his 48th of the season.

[ Hooting ]

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

[ Chanting "MVP!" ]

You can keep that, huh?

[ Organ playing ]

I still can't believe you missed Kiss Cam.

Well, if you let me go to the bathroom when I wanted to,

I would have been here.

Baby, you got control issues.

Well, if we're being real about it,

this is the first time I've gotten to

sit in the stands with the person I'm dating.

Because usually they're too busy playing on the field

or on the court or on the ice.

So I just wanted to do

all the normal people things I never could.

Because, you know, I'm used to...

being with professional athletes.

Was that supposed to be a sad story?

Just reminding you of who I've dated.

I mean, even though your reasons are a little superficial,

I admit Kiss Cam would have been cute.

So...

I tried to do the next best thing.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ]

That's cute. That's cute?

Yeah. [ Laughs ] Good job.

Let's go, Phillies!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Baker: That's Kyle Schwarber's fourth home run swing!

Aah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Bell tolling ]

That's right.

Let's do it.

I'm out! I can't do it!

[ Chuckles ] No one thought you could. It's okay.

You manage not to talk about the environment for a couple hours.

I'm gonna give you a shelf anyway.

Oh, you really pulled off the 9-9-9 challenge?

More like 10-10-8.

I finished last inning. Give me this.

Mr. J.

Don't mind if I do.

Hey, Abbott group, right? Barbara: Yeah.

I just wanted to let you know your friend Janine

only has 10 minutes left.

[ Gasps ] Of life?!

Sorry. I should have phrased that differently.

She has 10 minutes left with the medic.

Oh. She's totally fine.

And about to meet the Phanatic. Want to join?

Sorry, I can't. Got something else to attend to.

Yeah. Cool. Game's almost over,

so let's go see your friend while she's still here.

Okay. Can you please stop saying it like that?

Thanks. She's safe.

Baker: Congratulations to Kyle Schwarber

on his four home runs.

He now leads the National League!

Yeah. Alright, everyone,

as promised, someone very special wants to meet you. Here's your helmet.

The Phillie Phanatic!

Oh! [ Laughs ] Hey!

Oh, my God.

Wow. Hey!

Oh! Oh! Oh! I knew it!

I -- I knew it. You're the -- You're the Phillie Phanatic!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Barbara: Yes. No. Y'all, no.

Mr. Johnson is the Phillie Phanatic.

Johnson: What gave it away?

All day, I've never seen you and the Phanatic

in the same place at the same time.

I never see you and Shemar Moore in the same place

at the same time either,

but I don't go around asking you a bunch

of questions about "Soul Train."

What -- What about the green fuzz that you had on you

and you kept getting up to leave every other inning?

We ran into each other, gave me a big hug.

We go way back.

And I was getting up because I had to go pee.

I hope that's okay with you.

You really believed that, huh?

Hi! [ Giggles] Oh. Oh, that's so nice.

It hurts a little bit, though, but it's so nice.

Okay, folks, we have one more special surprise.

Melissa: Oh. Gear? Mr. Kyle Schwarber!

[ All cheering, shouting excitedly ]

Hey, guys. Gregory: How you doing?

How's it going? I'm sure that you get this all the time,

but I love the ballpark.

It's a beautiful home. We appreciate that.

Thank you, guys. Take care. Hey.

What's good?

Oh. I'm taken. Oh, I'm sorry. Um...

Melissa: Wow. Hey, so I heard I hit a little girl on the Dance Cam.

Oh, that was me, but I'm 29. And a half.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm sorry. These are for you.

I'm so sorry. Oh. Thank you.

C-Could you sign m-my helmet?

I was wearing it 'cause I didn't wanna get hit in the head.

And I took off, and I got hit in the head.

Absolutely. It was crazy.

[ Laughter, indistinct conversations ]

Thank you. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Alright.

Barb, now's your shot. Come on.

Mr. Kyle Schwarber...

I've been waiting all day to say this to you.

Hello! Oh, hi.

Um, can I sign your jersey?

[ Gasps ] Whew, yes. Awesome.

Yeah. Yeah.

Awesome. Oh, and this too, please?

Thank you. Absolutely. Yeah. I'll hold that.

Thank you. There you go.

So you're not going to resell these, are you?

Nope. Gonna sell 'em once.

Hey, Schwarby, do you know the, uh,

carbon footprint of this place? Uh...

Mr. Schwarber, this is my boyfriend. Thank you.

He's 29 and a half, too. You don't have to say how old I am.

Four home runs, man. That's a hell of a game.

I appreciate that, dude. Thank you.

Yeah, that was fun. Melissa: Yeah.

Hey. Thanks, man. What a night.

It was awesome. Over my stats. He ruined my work.

No, but it's Kyle Schwarber. How about a group picture?

Yes!

Absolutely. Let's do it, guys.

Come on. Here we go. Let's go.

Gregory: But how am I supposed to... Janine: It's okay. It's fine.

Everyone say "Phillies!"

All: Phillies!

Whoop-whoop-whoop! Okay, you guys go ahead. I'm gonna catch up.

Okay. Schwarber: Thank you, guys. I am so sorry.

Bye! Barbara: Thank you so much. Great game.

Thank you. Appreciate you. Hey, man. Such a pleasure.

Great night tonight, man. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Four home runs. Wow. Melissa: Okay. That's good.

Hang on. I got something for you.

Oh, okay.

What we got?

That was a hell of a game. There you go.

Good job, man. [ Chuckles ] I will take that. Thank you.

And so I said to Kyle Schwarber, "Son,

don't be out on your front foot.

Keep your weight back." Not what happened.

Well, how would you know, Gregory?

You were too busy coloring,

letting your girlfriend get popped in the head.

Guys, could we maybe turn the lights off

and play the quiet game?

How are you this hungover?

I eat 10 hot dogs and 10 beers every night.

Grow up, Jacob.

Well, it sounds like y'all caught a great game.

We did.

And if anyone wants to relive the action,

I got Kyle Schwarber autographs, 50 bucks a pop.

That's cute. [ Gasps ]

I got these with Lafufus signed by Kyle Schwarber.

You bought those signatures off me and put them on Lafufus?

That's a smart kid.

Is that a Kyle Schwarber Lafufu?

Don't la-mind if I la-dudu.

I'm gonna take two.