Original subtitles

It's always on me to upgrade this dusty-ass school.

So I hooked up our old speaker system to Bluetooth,

and now I can make announcements from my phone from anywhere.

In fact, I'll make one right now.

Attention --

I have an important update regarding our school.

My teeth are getting whiter.

Ooh, I should tell him about

the bin Laden documentary I just watched.

[ Air horn blares ] -LeBron James. LeBron James. -6-7

-LeBron James. LeBron James. -6-7

What is happening?

LeBron James. LeBron James. [ Airhorn blares ]

The kids are hopping on your Bluetooth.

You didn't password-protect it?

Thanks for your hindsight, Melissa.

Mr. Johnson: Welcome to the "Keepin' It Trashy" podcast.

Topic one, they're selling your trash to Malaysia.

That's what I sound like? Oh, my God.

[ Los Del Río's "Macarena (Bayside Boys Remix)" plays ]

♪ Ay ♪

♪ When I dance they call me Macarena ♪

♪ And the boys they say que estoy buena ♪ I love this song.

♪ They all want me, they can't have me ♪

♪ So they all come and dance beside me ♪

I'll just get it password-protected,

and I'll shut this off.

Hold on, now. Yeah, no, it's okay.

It's a vibe. [ Chuckles ]

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪ Here we go.

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría y cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

♪ Ay ♪

Barbara: Alright, Jacob.

[ Chuckles ]

Look at me, bringing joy to this school once again.

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

♪ Ay ♪

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

♪♪

Please send the first student in when he gets here.

Hello.

Barbara: It is such a blessing

to have our new counselor here. to help the children,

and she's doing an outstanding job.

She's also quite tall.

My name is Illena Alomar.

I'm the new counselor here.

Abbott is the newest school in my rotation,

so now I'm responsible for the well-being of 20 schools,

which means I need to get out of here.

Thanks.

Such a wonderful addition to Abbott. She really is.

And I have to thank myself for bringing her here.

Mostly because I haven't been thanked.

By anyone.

For anything.

Ever.

She's whatever.

She's always so professional

with how everything needs to be done.

I don't need any more rules.

And what rules do you follow now?

Well, first of all, I follow the rule of threes. Mm-hmm.

Second of all, I'm here most days, aren't I?

Mr. Johnson: I got a rule for y'all.

You need to wait two hours between washes

before you run that dishwasher in the lounge, or else.

Or else what, Mr. Johnson?

Or else you'll be washing your dishes in brown water.

And not the good kind.

The good kind?

Uh, why do bad water got to be brown, Jacob?

Yeah, Jacob, why?

Good morning.

Ah, welcome, Nick.

Come on in.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Don't be rude.

Say good morning to Neen.

Good morning, Neen.

Aww, good morning. [ Chuckles ]

He can't call me Neen, though.

Oh. Yeah.

That's my bad, big dog.

I'll, uh, make sure he says Miss Neen next time.

Yes, Tariq's girlfriend's son, Nick, is in my class this year.

Truth is, Tariq's been surprisingly involved.

He's killing it as head of the PTA.

Very invested in Nick.

They said it couldn't be done.

I was they.

You know, Tariq, I have got to hand it to you.

You have taken on a lot of responsibilities,

so proud of you. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah. It's pretty, uh -- Hey, hey.

Greg. Hey.

What's up, bud? Ah.

Hey. What's up?

Hey, uh, I just wanted to let you know

you don't got to worry about nothing going on

with me and old girl right here, okay?

It would be inappropriate to date a coworker, so...

Oh, mm, you don't work here.

You famously don't work anywhere.

Did I miss the show? [ Chuckles ]

This Janine-Tariq-Gregory love triangle

about to get messy.

I'm going back to my classroom.

Yeah, I'mma head on.

What are you doing here?

Being entertained, I hope.

I put Tariq's kid in your class for the drama.

I have the only second-grade class,

and there isn't gonna be any drama.

There better be.

Now that I'm in this monogamous relationship,

I'm bored as hell.

Tariq: Alright, son, have a good day.

And remember...

Forgot what I was gonna say.

I'mma just freestyle.

♪ Nick, that's my son ♪

♪ Y'all know that he the one ♪ Hey.

♪ You better not say "two" ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, who is you? ♪

♪ I'm dressed in all designer ♪

♪ I ain't show up in no suit ♪

♪ I'm smoking on exotic ♪

♪ You smell like somebody pooted ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry. Uh, my bad.

I'm -- I'mma just go.

You miss it, don't you?

Ms. Schemmenti?

Yeah?

Can I go to the [bleep] bathroom?

Oh.

Of course you can.

Jacob and Morton tried to scare me

that teaching middle school was gonna be a nightmare,

but here's the thing.

You just got to meet the older kids where they're at.

And one of the ways I do that

is I let them have one curse word a day,

and they [bleep] love it.

Okay, so I got some good news and some bad news.

Good news is, all youse aced your assessment test.

[ Cheers and applause ] Yep.

Hold up. What's the bad news?

The bad news is,

we were gonna go over the answers,

but now...

you get 10 minutes to play on your phone.

I hope that's chill.

[ Cheers and applause ] Oh [bleep] yeah!

You know, Jacob, I don't know why

you have such a hard time with the older kids.

You know, you just got to treat them with respect.

So you can suck it. [ Chuckles ]

I'm happy for you.

Yeah, well, eat it, because not only do they love me,

but they also aced the test I just gave them.

Really? That's impressive.

You got some of my less-focused goofballs in that class.

Yeah, you can sit on it, Gregory, because some of us --

and by some, I mean me --

know what we're doing around here,

so kiss my grits.

[ Gasps ]

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, Barbara? Barb?

Why -- Why are you doing that?

Doing what?

Well, you just ran the dishwasher

with three cups, two spoons,

and nary a plate to be found.

It's a huge waste of water.

And you know we can't start it for two hours.

Jacob I have been waiting for it to fill up

so my mug will be clean,

and I have pushed it as late as I can.

Well, if you just want a particular mug,

can't you use the sponge in the sink?

Excuse me?

That mug is the mug that Gerald gave me

in honor of being a soon-to-be Glamma,

and this manicure is a work of art,

not a cleaning tool.

[ Scoffs ]

Did you see that?

Whatever happened to community?

Shared spaces can be tricky.

That is a great point.

Uh, may I?

I think it is time Barbara learned the power

of a publicly posted Post-it note.

There we go.

Thank you for reminding me of the power of the pen.

I didn't say anything.

You heard me not say anything, right?

So glad Ms. Schemmenti's teaching math this year.

I wish I could steal the answer sheets

for all my classes.

If you started getting straight "A's,"

we'd definitely get caught.

Yo, keep it down. Mr. Eddie's right over there.

He can't hear nothing with that big-ass hat on.

Cam Newton-looking ass.

Your students are cheating,

and they had unkind words for my gardening hat.

What are you talking about? The hat with the wide brim.

The one that Janine got me.

They hate it, and it was hurtful.

I feel like it frames my -- Okay, about the kids cheating on the test,

you gagootz.

How would that even happen?

Oh, they found the answer key,

took a photo, and sent it to the whole class.

No, I left the answer key in my desk.

They...

I got to lock my drawers now?

What is this, my family staying with me?

Yeah, you don't really have to think about

that kind of thing with the littles.

Yeah, you just leave answer keys out,

wear a stupid hat, and no one says nothing.

Okay, no one said it was stupid.

This will not stand.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay. Yeah.

What are you -- What are you gonna do?

Oh, I'm gonna get them. Don't you worry.

Well, based on everything I know about you,

I'm actually very worried.

You the new janitor?

No.

Work hard, play your cards right,

maybe someday.

[ Door opens ] Mr. Johnson.

"To all, only run when full. Jacob."

Well, who's this for?

Could be Melissa.

Uh, probably Janine.

It's for you, lady. You...

You know, that Jacob is becoming aggressively

more passive with every year.

I mean, this is ridiculous, right?

Uh, I don't know.

I mean, everyone should advocate for themselves.

Exactly.

And I will advocate as clear as day

so there is no miscommunication.

[ Chuckles ] You don't know me, Ms. Alomar.

Unh-unh. I had a down year last year,

but this year, I am feeling mighty spicy.

Wait, wait, wait. Time out.

They got you back here in the nosebleeds?

That's my seat.

Unacceptable, dude. We literally know Neen.

We could just put you at the front of the class.

Come on.

Hey, hey. Excuse me.

Um, I'm sorry, twin, but this is a VIP section.

You got anything fragile in here?

[ Glass shatters ] My pickles!

Yeah, I know.

Your pickles.

I'm so sorry. Ignore him.

Um, so, anyway... You go ahead. Alright.

Hey, look, now, remember,

you're not just another kid in this class, okay?

You're special.

Because there was a time

when I was the only man that your teacher knew.

YOLO. Alright.

So sorry. What -- What were you saying?

Okay, real quick,

I, uh, made a list here of all the stickers

that Nick would prefer,

and, uh, he don't like to read on Thursdays,

so let's just not do that.

Okay, got to go. Busy, busy, busy.

Okay, brainiacs.

So since the last quiz was

-Light work. -Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, light work.

So I figured that we would have another quiz

on all the stuff we learned this week.

That shouldn't be a problem, right?

-Nah. -Nah.

No problem. Okay, so I tell you what.

I'mma head to the bathroom.

Soon as I get back, I'mma hand out the quizzes.

I got my phone, keys, stapler in its place,

answer key right in my unlocked drawer.

Okay, so factoring in a little chitchat with Barb,

maybe a story from Mr. J.

I should be back in exactly 10 minutes.

Youse probably didn't notice it 'cause I was -- I was so subtle.

I planted fake answers to the quiz in my desk.

These kids are about to find out what the Schemmenti name means.

Means "scheme."

Scheme-menti -- the original pronunciation.

They changed it at Ellis Island.

And then Nick pulls a homemade hall pass out of his pocket

that reads "VI-pee-pee" in Tariq's handwriting,

yells, "Yerrr," and then goes out the door.

[ Chuckles ] I told y'all there'd be drama.

Y'all the reason I don't have to steal anybody's password to Peacock.

Why don't you just talk to Tariq?

Well, because he's come so far as a human adult

and a father figure, I don't want to discourage him.

Maybe I'll just talk to Nick about it.

[ Gasps ] Talk to a child about it?

Awfully protective of an ex.

I made O'Shon flush his phone and empty his cloud.

He's a really lucky man.

Are you sure Tariq doesn't have Janine's phone number?

I'm sure he does.

Ooh, so tell me something

and include my question in your answer.

How do you feel about your girlfriend getting into

a spousal battle with her ex-lover over their shared son?

I'm leaving. Janine?

No, this show.

-Yerrr. -Hey.

Why is the dishwasher running?

Uh, to wash dishes.

Oh, that's what she wants you to think.

[ Door opens ]

Did you run the dishwasher with just a spoon in it?

Jacob, you are unusually sweaty today.

That is not an answer.

Of course not.

I put a single cup in there, as well.

[ Gasps ]

Wow. Okay. You are being crazy.

And I can say that because a mental-health professional,

Ms. Alomar, agreed with me.

Backwards.

She agreed with me.

Hmm. Well, I thought your church was against lying.

[ Gasps ]

Father God, forgive me,

'cause I'm about to show this young man

his pants are on fire.

Let's go talk with Ms. Alomar.

After you.

No, after me.

[ Scoffs ] You...

Is everything oka-- Why are you moist?

The dishwasher. And the brisk walk over here.

Barbara ignored the note that you suggested I write.

Please tell this confused young man

that you are completely on my side.

No, she's on mine. Mine.

I'm with a student.

[ Lock clicks ]

What is her problem? She's got a lot of attitude.

I can't wait to see how well

all of my genius students have done.

[ Chuckles ]

Probably won't even need this pen,

except to write "A+" on all of them.

Right?

Um...

Okay, you got all the answers right?

Boom [bleep]

[ Chuckles ]

So glad I saved my curse for that.

This is impossible.

You were supposed to get them all wrong.

We knew the answers in your drawer were fake.

So how'd you cheat, then?

We talked to each other.

And remember the stuff you lectured about.

The stuff you made us read.

The class discussion.

And we aced it. Got you again, Ms. Schemmenti.

You seemed way smarter when we were in second grade.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[ Sighs ]

Beaten by a bunch of bumbling sixth graders.

Feels like when the Eagles lose to the Cowboys.

[ Clears throat ] Um, so we got to talk.

Nick said he couldn't get access to a green crayon,

which has led to this autumnal foliage.

And, girl, it ain't autumn.

It is autumn, Tariq.

No it ain't. It's fall.

[ Scoffs ] She's supposed to be a teacher.

You know what? I'm about to put Nick in the transfer portal immediately.

Alright, you know what? Tariq, you need to leave.

Why do you still got him sitting in the cheap seats?

His biggest fear is the back of people's heads.

You're gonna give him PTSD.

Sorry, guys. One second.

Nick is not gonna get special treatment anymore, alright?

All of my kids are special.

It's not a punishment. It's fair.

[ Scoffs ] What?

If I knew that you were gonna treat my future son like this,

I would have never dated you. What?

Janine: Tariq cannot take criticism.

One time I told him a song of his wouldn't work

because nothing rhymes with orange.

He told me to go forage in the storage for some porridge.

Basically made my point for me.

Hi.

How's it going, Ms. Anderson?

It's Ms. Alomar.

Oh, well -- Please don't tell me

you're going to ask my opinion on something.

Now, why would I do that

when I have so many amazing opinions of my own?

I'm sorry. It's just,

I'm at capacity, and the kids are great, but --

But what? [ Sighs ] Could we?

Some of the teachers here, they're kind of a lot.

First of all, don't be talking about my staff.

Second of all, spill the tea, girl.

It's just, the teachers keep coming to me

to settle their petty problems.

Welcome to what I have to deal with every single day

with these needy-ass teachers.

You must have a lot of patience.

You know what?

I think I have more patience than anybody I know.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Did you go to Harvard?

I did go there. I forget sometimes.

No wonder this is such a well-run school.

God, it's so nice talking to someone

who is a consummate professional.

I heard that.

Ava, Ava, you were absolutely right about that counselor.

She is manipulative, dismissive, and rude.

She must go. Mm-hmm.

Listen, I've known both of you

way longer than I've known her.

Yes. Yeah.

And that's why I must take her side on this.

[ Gasps ] What?

She said y'all getting on her nerves,

interrupting her when she's with the kids,

doing the job she's supposed to do.

She's not going anywhere.

But -- I am a Harvard-trained,

consummate professional who is extremely patient.

Now, get the hell out.

So how'd the, uh... revenge go?

Not well.

Okay, what happened?

Okay, so I planted, like,

a fake answer key to a test... Uh-huh.

and these little cheaters figured it out,

so they quickly, like, cracked open their textbooks,

studied up on the material, took the test, and did great.

So they learned? Exactly.

How am I supposed to counter that?

I don't think you should, but...

Hello, Melissa.

How are the super-easy- to-handle middle schoolers?

Jacob, I swear to God.

I'm too fast. You can't catch me.

So it seems Melissa, the bully,

is herself getting bullied by a bunch of little kids.

I was gonna tell her to eat it, but I --

I got too scared.

Look, I love my first graders,

but it is a completely different vibe

when I'm with the older goofballs.

Yes, they are more challenging.

They keep you on your toes.

They sure do. Mm-hmm.

And, you know, I could have figured out their next move.

I'm just, you know, a little rusty.

Second graders made me soft.

Why are you smiling?

I got to get back into fighting shape.

Melissa, you do know you cannot fight the children, right?

I know. I'm not gonna -- Just making sure.

I'm not gonna fight them. Good.

I'm gonna teach him.

Have you not been doing that this whole time?

Guys, no fighting over the brushes.

If you want another, they're...

Tariq?

Tariq, I can see you.

Dang.

You always could, Janine.

Oh, my God.

Look, I've been reflecting. [ Sighs ]

I've, you know, been looking at the mirror.

The man in there. Michael Jackson.

He had a monkey. What was I saying?

I think you were trying to apologize.

No. [ Chuckles ] No, that's not --

that -- no, that -- that was it.

Look, I just want the best for Nick,

and that is a teacher

who treats all the kids fairly.

Wow.

I'm really happy to hear you say that.

Thank you, Tariq.

You really have grown.

I know. It's pretty lame.

Oh. Ava: Boo!

No kiss? No fantasy suite?

Tired of these short-ass seasons and terrible finales.

[ Sighs ] God.

[ Knocks on door ] Hey, Barbara, can I --

Can I talk to you?

Jacob, I have not touched your precious dishwasher.

I know. I just...

I was thinking about Ms. Alomar

and, you know, she's here for the kids

and they really like her.

Indeed, they do.

So, in the spirit of fostering a healthy atmosphere

and setting a good example, I brought you a peace offering.

The Glamma options were limited,

but I think this one also suits you.

"#1 Diva."

I can work with that.

Thank you, Jacob.

And, quite honestly, I was feeling bad, too.

And so I purchased these

so that I can wash my single mug

without ruining my manicure.

Oh. Mm. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, hey.

Uh, just the person we want to see. Oh.

Ms. Alomar, we would -- Oh.

What is her problem? [ Scoffs ] What is her problem?

Listen, you're not in trouble, okay?

I can respect when I got got.

But youse can never cheat again, okay?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Okay. It did make me realize how much I have to teach you.

Like when you -- write this down.

When you're pulling a job,

you got to keep the conspiracy small, okay?

You got too many loose lips.

Those goofballs, they gossip more than the Real Housewives.

You know it's true.

Worse, you burned your best scheme

on a test you already had in the bag,

and now that I know you know it,

the next ones are gonna be even harder.

Bring it. Oh, I will.

I'mma be on you from here on out.

It's gonna be a good year.

Okay, crack those textbooks.

Let's [bleep] get into it.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Did you know you could use a dishwasher to cook salmon?

Let me demonstrate.

First, season your salmon to taste.

Then you wrap your salmon up like so.

You select the "salmon" option on your dishwasher,

which is pots and pans.

And here's one I prepared earlier.

After one cycle, you should have a perfectly cooked salmon

that looks just like...this.

Damn. It's overdone.

I think I'll wash this at home.

She's a bit of an odd duck.

Speaking of duck, you can also use the dishwasher to cook duck.

Now, for duck à l'orange.

-- Captions by Verbit --