Original subtitles

Sync & Cleaned - DirtySaint, 03, Jan 2019

I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus.

Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy.

I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel.

I just don't understand Christmas, I guess.

I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards...

...and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy.

I always end up feeling depressed.

Charlie Brown, you're the only person I know...

...who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

Maybe Lucy's right.

Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest.

[ECHOES] Hello in there.

Rats.

Nobody sent me a Christmas card today.

I almost wish there weren't a holiday season.

I know nobody likes me.

Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?

Thanks for the Christmas card you sent me, Violet.

I didn't send you a Christmas card, Charlie Brown.

Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?

Pigpen, you're the only person I know...

...who can raise a cloud of dust in a snowstorm.

[CHOMPING]

Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue.

It's fun.

Mm. Needs sugar.

It's too early. I never eat December snowflakes.

I always wait until January.

They sure look ripe to me.

You think you're so smart with that blanket.

What are you gonna do with it when you grow up?

Maybe I'll make it into a sport coat.

I think you have a customer.

May I help you?

-I'm in sad shape. -Wait a minute.

Before you begin, I must ask that you pay in advance.

Five cents, please.

Boy, what a sound.

How I love to hear that old money plink, that beautiful sound of cold, hard cash.

That beautiful, beautiful sound. Nickels, nickels, nickels.

That beautiful sound of plinking nickels.

All right, now, what seems to be your trouble?

I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I'm not.

Well, as they say on TV...

...the mere fact that you realize you need help...

...indicates that you are not too far gone.

I think we'd better pinpoint your fears.

If we can find out what you're afraid of, we can label it.

Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia.

-I don't think that's quite it. -How about cats?

If you're afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia.

Well, sort of, but I'm not sure.

Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacophobia.

Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is fear of the ocean.

Or gephyrophobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges.

Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?

-What's pantophobia? -The fear of everything.

[SHOUTING] That's it!

Actually, Lucy, my trouble is Christmas. I just don't understand it.

Instead of feeling happy, I feel sort of let down.

You need involvement.

You need to get involved in some real Christmas project.

How would you like to be the director of our Christmas play?

Me? You want me to be the director of the Christmas play?

Sure, Charlie Brown. We need a director, you need involvement.

We've got a shepherd, musicians, animals, everyone you need.

We've even got a Christmas queen.

I don't know anything about directing a Christmas play.

Don't worry, I'll be there to help you. I'll meet you at the auditorium.

Incidentally, I know how you feel about all this Christmas business...

...getting depressed and all that.

It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want.

I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle...

...or clothes or something like that.

-What is it you want? -Real estate.

What's going on here?

What's this?

"Find the true meaning of Christmas. Win money, money, money.

Spectacular, super-colossal neighborhood Christmas-lights-and-display contest."

Lights-and-display contest? Oh, no.

My own dog gone commercial. I can't stand it. Oh....

I've been looking for you, big brother.

Will you please write a letter to Santa Claus for me?

Well, I don't have much time.

I'm supposed to get down to the school auditorium and direct a Christmas play.

You write it, and I'll tell you what I want to say.

Okay, shoot.

Dear Santa Claus, how have you been? Did you have a nice summer?

How is your wife?

I have been extra good this year...

...so I have a long list of presents that I want.

Oh, brother.

Please note the size and color of each item and send as many as possible.

If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself:

Just send money.

-How about 10s and 20s? -Tens and 20s? Oh....

Even my baby sister.

All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, quiet, everybody.

Our director will be here any minute and we'll start rehearsal.

-Director? What director? -Charlie Brown.

-Oh, no, we're doomed. -This will be the worst Christmas play ever.

Here he comes. Attention, everyone, here's our director.

[APPLAUDING]

Booooooo.

Man's best friend.

Well, it's real good seeing y'all here.

As you know, we are going to put on the Christmas play.

Due to the shortage of time, we'll get right down to work.

One of the first things to insure a good performance...

...is strict attention to the director.

I'll keep my directions simple.

If I point to the right, it means focus attention stage right.

If I make a slashing motion across my throat...

...it means cut the scene short.

If I make a revolving motion with my hand, it means pick up the tempo.

If I spread my hands apart, it means slow down.

It's the spirit of the actors that counts, the interest that they show in their director.

Am I right? I said, am I right?

[PLAYING VINCE GUARALDI'S "LINUS & LUCY"]

Stop the music! All right, now.

We're going to do this play and we're going to do it right.

Lucy, get those costumes and scripts and pass them out.

Now, the script girl will be handing out your parts.

You're the innkeeper's wife.

Do innkeepers' wives have naturally curly hair?

Pigpen, you're the innkeeper.

In spite of my outward appearance, I shall try to run a neat inn.

Shermy, you're a shepherd.

Every Christmas it's the same. I always end up playing a shepherd.

Snoopy, you'll have to be all the animals in our play.

-Can you be a sheep? -Baa.

-How about a cow? -Moo.

How about a penguin?

-Yes, he's even a good penguin. -Ooow!

No, no, no.

Listen, all of you. You've got to take direction.

[LUCY SPEAKING AND SNOOPY MOUTHING] You've got to have discipline.

You've gotta have respect for your director.

I ought to slug you.

Ugh. I've been kissed by a dog. I have dog germs.

Get hot water, get some disinfectant, get some iodine.

-Waaah. -Ah.

All right, all right, script girl, continue with the scripts.

Linus, you've got to get rid of that stupid blanket.

And here, memorize these lines.

I can't memorize these lines. This is ridiculous.

Memorize it and be ready to recite when your cue comes.

I can't memorize something like this so quickly.

Why should I be put through such agony?

Give me one good reason why I should memorize this.

I'll give you five good reasons: One, two, three, four, five.

Those are good reasons.

Christmas is not only getting too commercial...

...it's getting too dangerous.

And get rid of that stupid blanket.

What's a Christmas shepherd gonna look like...

...holding a stupid blanket like that?

Well, this is one Christmas shepherd...

...who's going to keep his trusty blanket with him.

See? You wouldn't hit an innocent shepherd, would you?

Okay, Mr. Director, the cast is set. Take over.

All right, let's have it quiet. Places, everybody.

Schroeder, set the mood for first scene.

[PLAYING VINCE GUARALDI’S "LINUS & LUCY"]

Cut, cut. No, no, no.

Look, let's rehearse the scene at the inn.

-Frieda, this is-- -We can't go on. There's too much dust.

It's taking the curl out of my naturally curly hair.

Don't think of it as dust.

Think of it as maybe the soil of some great past civilization.

Maybe the soil of ancient Babylon. It staggers the imagination.

He may be carrying soil that was trod upon by Solomon.

Or even Nebuchadnezzar.

It sort of makes you wanna treat me with more respect, doesn't it?

You're an absolute mess. Just look at yourself.

On the contrary, I didn't think I'd look that good.

Sally, come here.

-What do you want her for? -She's gonna be your wife.

Good grief.

Isn't he the cutest thing?

He has the nicest sense of humor.

-Lunch break, lunch break. -Lunch break?

All right, now, there's no time for foolishness.

We've got to get on with our play.

That's right. What about my part?

What about the Christmas queen, hmm?

Are you going to let all this beauty go to waste?

You do think I'm beautiful, don't you, Charlie Brown?

You didn't answer me right away. You had to think about it first, didn't you?

If you really had thought I was beautiful, you would've spoken right up.

I know when I've been insulted. I know when I've been insulted.

Good grief.

All right, let's take it from the top again.

Places. Action.

[PLAYING VINCE GUARALDI’S "LINUS & LUCY"]

Charlie Brown, isn't it a great play?

That does it.

Now, look, if we're ever to get this play off the ground...

...we've gotta have some cooperation.

What's the matter, Charlie Brown? Don't you think it's great?

-It's all wrong. -Look, Charlie, let's face it.

We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket.

It's run by a big Eastern syndicate, you know.

Well, this is one play that's not gonna be commercial.

-Look, Charlie Brown, what do you want? -The proper mood.

-We need a Christmas tree. -Hey, perhaps a tree.

A great big, shiny, aluminum Christmas tree.

That's it, Charlie Brown. You get the tree. I'll handle this crowd.

Okay. I'll take Linus with me. The rest of you practice your lines.

Get the biggest aluminum tree you can find, Charlie Brown, maybe painted pink.

Yeah, do something right for a change, Charlie Brown.

I don't know, Linus. I just don't know.

Well, I guess we'd better concentrate on finding a nice Christmas tree.

I suggest we try those searchlights, Charlie Brown.

[HOLLOW METAL ECHOING]

This really brings Christmas close to a person.

Fantastic.

LINUS: Gee, do they still make wooden Christmas trees?

CHARLIE: This little green one here seems to need a home.

I don't know, Charlie Brown.

Remember what Lucy said? This doesn't seem to fit the modern spirit.

I don't care.

We'll decorate it, and it'll be just right for our play.

Besides, I think it needs me.

This is the music I've selected for the Christmas play.

What kind of Christmas music is that?

Beethoven Christmas music.

What has Beethoven got to do with Christmas?

Everyone talks about how great Beethoven was.

Beethoven wasn't so great.

What do you mean, Beethoven wasn't so great?

He never got his picture on bubble-gum cards, did he?

Have you ever seen his picture on a bubble-gum card?

-Hmm? -How can you say someone is great...

...who's never had his picture on bubble-gum cards?

Good grief.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Say, by the way, can you play "Jingle Bells"?

[PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS"]

No, no. I mean "Jingle Bells."

You know, deck them halls and all that stuff.

[PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS" ON ELECTRIC ORGAN]

No, no. You don't get it at all. I mean "Jingle Bells."

You know, Santa Claus and ho-ho-ho.

And mistletoe and presents to pretty girls.

[PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS" OFF KEY]

That's it!

We're back.

Boy, are you stupid, Charlie Brown.

-What kind of a tree is that? -You were supposed to get a good tree.

Can't you even tell a good tree from a poor tree?

I told you he'd goof it up.

He's not the kind you can depend on to do anything right.

-You're hopeless, Charlie Brown. -Completely hopeless.

Rats.

You've been dumb before, Charlie Brown, but this time you really did it.

What a tree.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn't have picked this little tree.

Everything I do turns into a disaster.

I guess I really don't know what Christmas is all about.

Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

Sure, Charlie Brown. I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

Lights, please.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field...

...keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them...

...and the glory of the Lord shone round about them...

...and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them:

"Fear not, for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy...

...which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day, in the city of David, a savior...

...which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you.

Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."

And suddenly, there was with the angel...

...a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

"Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth, peace, goodwill toward men."

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

LINUS [VOICE-OVER]: For, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy...

...which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day...

...in the city of David, a savior, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you.

Linus is right.

I won't let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas.

I'll take this little tree home and decorate it...

...and I'll show them it really will work in our play.

First prize?

Oh, well.

This commercial dog is not going to ruin my Christmas.

I've killed it. Oh....

Everything I touch gets ruined.

I never thought it was such a bad little tree.

It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.

Charlie Brown is a blockhead, but he did get a nice tree.

[HUMMING "HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING"]

What's going on here?

ALL: Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown.

[ALL SINGING "HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING"]

Sync & Cleaned - DirtySaint, 03, Jan 2019