Original subtitles

I love you.

I love you.

And you'll never?

No, no. Never.

But anybody?

Nobody.

Come between us or interfere?

Or nothing. Nobody's ever.

Those people.

It's after twelve.

I'm sorry. It's late and I'm very tired.

It's been going on for a week.

You know, I can't sleep. I can't function.

Well, have you spoken to them?

I haven't even seen them.

For all I can tell, you never get out of bed.

You know, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

You can always move in with me.

What?

I can't live without you anymore.

All of the others meant nothing to me.

Richard, Jack Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, George Kennedy.

It's you I love.

Oh, I love you too.

And you'll never?

No, no. Never.

Let anyone come between us or interfere?

Nothing. Nobody.

Ever.

Those people. It's after twelve.

What? What?

Is this a nightmare or have I gone goofy?

What?

I just wanted to tell you I'm going home.

You're not going anywhere. We have a lot of work to do.

It's five o'clock. If you wanted to do

work, you shouldn't have slept all day.

Holy shit. Why didn't you wake me?

You wouldn't have let me go to the met game.

I'm living a nightmare. The darnedest nightmare a man ever lived.

I can't kiss you with sound effects. They can't do this.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut the hell up.

Who is it?

It's Martin Topper in 502. Now what the hell?

You must be the new neighbor.

And I'm guessing you're not the welcome wagon.

I'm North.

Hi, Laura.

I hate to complain. It's just the noise.

Sorry. It's my roommate. She entertains a lot.

Bob Hope never entertained this much. I can't stand that guy.

Well, I'll talk to her in the morning.

In the meantime, why don't we just go back to lying awake all night?

Nice meeting you.

I'm up. You're up. You want a cup of coffee or something?

Are you asking me for a date?

Sure. You can call it a date.

Okay.

Show me the neighborhood you're going to love.

You think that's bad? I was living next door to the guy who played the organ

at Yankee Stadium.

He practiced day and night.

How tough is dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun? Well, how hard is that?

Exactly. That's what I hate about New York.

You're never more than six feet from another person.

Or 72 feet away from a serial killer, although serial killers are generally

quiet and tend to keep to themselves, right?

So it's getting late.

Well, I assume you didn't invite me over here just for coffee.

I'm sorry. Would you like a Danish?

Well, I was thinking we should go to bed.

Fine. Fine. We can have a Danish later.

Howdy, neighbor. Just rustling up some waffles.

Oh, how sweet.

Well.

Listen, before we eat, I was thinking maybe we should.

Laura, I'd love to, but I'm only human.

I really have to get to work.

No, actually, I won't settle up. The total comes to $540.

Excuse me?

It's $100 for the blowjob, $2 for the straight sex, $2 to stay the night,

and $40 for the little hand thing.

You really got me going for a second there.

Okay, what do you want? You want syrup or powdered sugar?

I want cash, but I'll take a check.

No, no, no, no, no. You see, if I pay you money, that means you're a-- No!

I prefer the term professional.

I can't believe this.

Oh, don't pull this. You asked me on a date

at four in the morning, and I said yes.

What did you think I was, some kind of a slut?

How could I have possibly known you were a hooker?

Well, I knew you were a book editor. Don't

you take any interest in your neighbors?

Well, why is that?

Okay, you want $540? Oh, fine. Well, I'm a professional waffle toaster.

You see this? $2,000, so you owe me $1460.

If you're gonna be an asshole, just forget the money, okay?

Call it a kind of reverse housewarming gift.

Oh, gee, and I didn't get you anything.

Tell your roommate to put a muzzle on it or I'll-- Oh, you're what?

I'll phone the manager, guys.

Hunter Owens, management Erwin Bader, Esquire, speaking.

Yes, hi. This is Martin Topper. I'm in apartment 502.

Mr. Topper, carroaches are an everyday fact of apartment life,

which we at Hunter Owens have combated by

taking all steps minimally required by law.

Oh, no, no. This is not about cockroaches.

I have prostitutes living in my building.

Well, I'm no exterminator, but I don't believe we can spray for that.

Very funny.

Excruciating.

I'm serious. I want them out. I cannot live like this.

There's traffic in the hallways at all hours. There's constant noise.

It's outrageous.

Mr. Topper, do you have any evidence that they are, in fact, prostitutes?

I slept with one, and she tried to charge me $540.

That is outrageous.

If I were you, I wouldn't pay it.

Don't be humorous.

Oh, look, are you gonna do something about this or not?

Mr. Topper, we cannot go around evicting people based on the word of a man

who frequents prostitutes.

What are you-- However, while I have you

on the phone-- I see by my records that--

You're due for a rent increase.

Oh!

Can you believe this? It's Sunday. Don't they ever take a day off?

Shh. I don't want to hear this.

What, do they have a mule in there?

I can take it as well as the next mule, but there's a limit to everything.

You see? You see what I have to live with?

Well, personally, I'm jealous. The

only thing in my building is a dry cleaner.

I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Jesus fucking Christ!

I'm sorry, Father.

I'm here to see Mary Catherine.

Who?

Hey, over here.

Sorry.

Nuns, tell me you've been a very bad girl.

May I have a word with you, please?

Keep it in your pants, Padre. She'll be right with you.

What do you want?

I've got paying customers waiting for me.

Yeah, and I'd appreciate it if they'd stop knocking on my door.

I'm sorry. They've got the wrong apartment

number on our promotional calendars,

but we should have it straightened out in a couple of weeks.

Hi. Need some help with your homework?

Martin, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

Oh, how rude of me. Eddie Charles Hooker, Hooker Eddie Charles.

Thanks for stopping by.

Tell me, how does an asshole like you wind up with a kid as sweet as Jeremy?

He's your friend and we can save him.

What can I get for, uh, 11.50?

Go watch me eat the sandwich.

Cool.

Jeremy!

Jeremy, what the hell are you doing here?

Uh, nothing. Can I borrow $100 for the movies?

Go home, go home, go home.

Uh, you Martin, take it easy.

Don't tell me how to take it I'm sick of this bullshit.

I'm going to call the cops.

Oh, I'll save you the trouble, Joe. Call the police.

What?

Stan?

You got a problem, pal?

You've really come up with something.

Yes, I do. What's your badge number?

I'm going to report you to your captain.

I'll save you the trouble.

Yo, captain. Captain.

Oh, there is no justice.

Ah, just forget it.

Go home, go home, go home.

As they say in my business, do come again.

I'm going to get rid of you people.

We can get rid of you, asshole.

What?

We could expand into your place.

Then, we won't have to reprint these.

You fucked with the wrong guy.

And that's why.

Blow me.

Open fire.

We ought to trail the back of the net and fall the tethers

to the motions of last theme and ways to condemn them to the fiery pits of

eternal damn nature.

Yeah!

Oh, I can't do that.

Peace firing.

Greetings, Erwin Bader, Esquire, Hunter Owens Management.

Yes.

Victory is ours.

So you got the petition?

Yes, but Miss Feinberg normally handles petitions.

I'll call her first thing in the morning.

Now, she's no longer with the firm.

This, however, is for you.

What's this?

Form H0-17C, written notice of warning prior to written notice of eviction.

What did I do?

Don't play coy with me, Tupper. It's all right there.

Excessive noise. Harassment of tenants.

That's not right.

Thank you.

Harassment is 1R, 2S's.

Why don't you help me?

Oh, we... Oh!

Hunter Owens thanks you for your next and possibly last rent payment to Pomp

D'On the First.

This is absurd! You talk about lease

violations. Just take a walk down there .

If you want me to investigate that matter,

you'll have to schedule an appointment.

Just turn around. Get to see what's going on. Look!

I'm afraid I'm not allowed to.

Okay, I'm officially scheduling an appointment.

Okay. Let's see hows.

Three weeks from Tuesday.

How's right now?

Well, for that, I'm afraid you'd have to request an emergency inspection.

Please, there's a $75 processing fee.

Fine.

And a $40 transportation fee.

You're already here!

Ah, but... I wouldn't have been.

I surrender! I surrender!

Fine.

Alright, sir. Just sign here.

Okay. And here.

I want you... Initial that.

Alrighty.

Let's go!

Hi. How are ya?

Okay.

Hello, asshole. Can I help you?

Erwin Bader. Esquire, Hunter Owens' management. Forgive the intrusion, but

Mr. Tupper here claims you're running a brothel.

Which would be a clear violation of lease paragraph 12, commonly referred to

as the world's oldest clause.

This is it. You are finished.

I'll show 'em they can't fiddle around with my apply.

Look at this. Exhibit A, mad lining up to lay their money down.

Mr. Bader, there are no lease provisions that say I can't have friends over

to watch movies.

Bullshit! This is a waiting room.

Even if it were, I don't see anyone evicting Dr. Strauss from apartment 105.

She's got you there.

Send reinforcements immediately.

Look at this! Look at this! Does Dr. Strauss have these, huh, Taz?

It's a decorating choice.

What are you...

Mr. Tupper, if we could evict someone for bad taste, you would have been out

years ago.

What are you talking about?

Got a Persian rug with a crushed velour couch. Yikes.

Our men are being badly beaten in open warfare.

Laura, could you sign for these?

Look at this. Look at this. 50,000 condoms. I mean, what does that tell you?

They were on sale.

Good for you, Miss North. Safe and frugal.

Gentlemen, this is the last straw.

What is wrong with you? What does it take to get somebody evicted?

Believe me, Mr. Tupper, nothing would make me happier than welcoming a new

tenant at the 5% rent increase allowed by law.

But sadly, I see no clear violations of the lease.

What?

Oh, Martin, I really feel for you, you

know, and I'd like to help however I can.

So look, this is the real estate section.

Don't rule out Brooklyn till you 've looked.

You realize our army is facing disastrous

defeat? What do you intend to do about it?

Stop!

Please, please, please!

Oh, Mr. Tupper!

Shut up, you idiot!

I'm handling your form again!

Oh, my God!

What is this? I am shocked, Miss North. You see? You see, I told you.

Release Paragraph 11. Grounds for immediate eviction. Sub-Paragraph F.

Water, bitch.

Sub-Paragraph F. Exactly my point.

Maybe we could work something out.

It is right. You'll be out by the 15th.

Don't rule out Brooklyn till you've looked.

Victory is ours!

And Tupper, I'm keeping my eye on you.

Get going. Eat, eat, eat, eat!

Hold on to your hat, kiddo. Here we go again.

What do you want?

I do hope you'll come over often now that we're to be made this--

Stop it! I'm sorry! Welcome to the building!