Original subtitles

Good job.

It's great what you see when you don't have a gun.

I didn't realise I didn't know this.

Your secret's safe with me.

Do you want a lift?

educated in their native tongue.

Marvellous.

And do you like speaking in the galley?

Oh,

it's like poetry, isn't it?

Yes, well, start from young.

Now, we've had the poster printed up a lot today.

Oh, Norma just worked on it now. You can't plan too carefully. There's a lot

still to be done.

Oh, I've spoken to Isabella about the choir and that sort of thing. Where? To

the bar? Oh, God.

I must warn you about the McTurk and confirm. I'll see you on Thursday.

Bye.

Let's go back.

So,

uh, you're a writer, are you?

Of sorts.

What sort?

Nothing you'll have heard of.

You never know.

I read under a pen name.

Then what would that be?

No, really.

No, no, come on, I'm interested.

Sadler.

Aye?

Chuck Sadler.

Chuck Sadler?

The Chuck Sadler?

Well, yes, I suppose so, yes.

Bleach skulls in the sunset.

Dead man's gulch.

That bit where Luke Kincaid shoots Jed McGlone through the skeleton of the

buffalo.

You're a gifted writer, Paul. You've read it, haven't you? I'm amazed.

Read it? Read them all, me.

Chuck Sadler.

Chuck Sadler.

I wish. I'll fetch the new book.

Come on.

You've fairly been doing the plate up. Oh, don't mention it.

Here we are.

The cowhands' revenge.

Fresh from the press.

Would you like me to sign it for you? Fine.

To Hamish.

From Chuck Sadler.

Oh, with the power and the gift of gas.

Oh, my God, he's been quoting bums at you.

Hello!

P .C. Macbeth.

Hamish, please.

Now, you'll be coming on Thursday.

Oh, I'm not much of a committee man.

No, but we'll need you. Loch Dooday's being expanded. The road will need to be

blocked off.

Normally just park a bailer in the middle of the high street. Eight o

sharp. Here's the draft agenda.

What you got there?

A dead crow.

A what?

Must have kicked it out in the garden.

Well, take it out of here, for God's sake.

I must change.

Paul,

would you give... Hamish. Hamish a cup of tea?

Ah, some people have got no patience, eh, Jock?

Er, Mr. McRae?

Mr.

McRae?

Mr.

McRae?

Come and hide to, Mr. McRae.

Aye. Oh, what a marvellous shed.

It was lovely early this morning. Aye. We'll pay for it now, then, eh?

Could I have a word?

Aye, talk away.

I hear that you've got an old hand loom in your shed.

Aye. Yes, well, we've decided to dress up the hall as an authentic...

Oh, please.

It wouldn't take long, surely.

You have to instruct me on black holes.

To hell with a pile of stones.

What about my tyre?

It's a piece of rubber.

You can't compare it with the heritage your forefathers left you, Hamish.

Hamish, look, Hamish, I want this lifted for criminal damages to my tractor.

Hamish, will you kindly contact the planning department in Vanessa?

This man is guilty of destroying a lifted building. Excuse me, excuse me.

know how much a new tyre costs? A fortune.

Shut up.

Honestly, are you going to punish her? Why don't we all just calm down?

Well, I'm bloody well not.

No wonder.

The destruction of our black house... Don't you dare talk to me about

destruction. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You mentioned a listed building. It's not

And you're talking about, what, 10 quid damage to a tyre? Well, maybe 20.

Look, Lachie, it is not the money. It is the principle of the thing.

Exactly.

Cup of tea.

Yes, it is.

Come in, Hamish. Hi, there.

For you, Paul.

Oh, thank you.

OK, Hamish.

Thanks so much for smoothing over the tractor and stuff. Oh, it was nothing.

No more dead crows, I hope? No, no, no.

Ah, well, then.

Are you enjoying the book?

You know, Paul, I haven't in a minute. I was joking.

So am I. It was great. It's the best yet. Oh, thank you.

Come on in.

We took 48 pounds at the gate.

At the Tombola store.

That'll be the police here to check the books, Cameron. Lovely to see you,

Hamish. Now, you sit down here.

Isabel?

Oh, you'd better pop that in the fridge. A wee jock was lying on it. What do you

drink, Hamish? A heather beer.

Heather beer. Lovely, yeah.

I was just pointing out that in the last fiscal year... Locked due day return

the deficit of £25 .33.

I view this matter with no small degree of concern.

If a rollover budget is to be considered... Goodness sake, Mr Diggs,

irrelevant. I've been on to Highland Region, and they'll give us a lost

guarantee of £2 ,500.

Oh. Oh, I see.

But even so, a lost guarantee is not the same as project funding. What's a few

pounds matter when your culture is at stake?

Culture? Is it not just a piss -up at the pub?

Rory.

I know you won't mind me saying this, but that is just the sort of attitude

that's left the Highlands in the state they are today.

Barney and me are happy to open the doors of the hotel anyway, and we've

a bouncy castle, as usual.

Actually, I've cancelled the bouncy castle.

Since when?

Oh, Vicky here thought that... I don't think a bouncy castle's quite the sort

tone we're looking for here. Now, I've contacted the Sealed Knot Society, and

they'll recreate the Battle of the Devil's Humps.

There'll be a Gaelic cookery competition, the choir all sing, and

course, there's the Travelling Tartan Roadshow. The tourists will love it.

for the ceilidh... Esme usually handles the ceilidh. We'll be getting Willie

Muirhead's band over from Northam.

Won't we?

Well, Vicky's been suggesting some new ideas.

But... Barney. What?

Would you be an angel?

Aye, right.

Me?

How much is all this going to cost?

I'd already paid the deposit on the bouncy castle.

I'm afraid you'll really have to ask Vicky.

Clapshaw.

Sorry? Clapshaw. It's boiled cabbage and potatoes garnished with salt and

oatmeal. And this is clootie dumpling.

What?

Hello?

Bruce?

D .I. Bruce, good morning, sir.

No, it was non -stop here yesterday, sir.

A flag?

No, I don't think so.

Threats?

To the settlers.

Extreme nationalist?

No, I don't think so, sir.

Why is the grave here, sir?

Snip that there.

Get rid of that.

And a wee drop of varnish over there.

Like that.

And there you are.

That's marvellous.

It's nothing like a fly.

It's not meant to be a fly.

This one's a wee shrimp.

But it's more the memory of a wee shrimp.

I mean, if it actually looked like a shrimp, then you wouldn't catch

Correct.

Bit bright for the pea trout, though.

Night's bit.

What do you mean, you fish in the dark?

Orange shrimp, fly, and an eight or a ten on a moonlit night.

It's perfect.

Oh, Hamish, there's a right rammy going on down at the pier.

Weapons are being brandished.

Aggies are break, John. There's a rise on here. But Agnes is threatening to

murder Barney.

What are they arguing about?

It's a private matter.

Over to you, Paul.

Oh, right, OK.

View of the world, eh?

So what's the big secret?

Well, Agnes thinks Barney's having an affair with his wife.

Vicky?

And Barney?

Two and a half hours.

Two and a half hours, you're right there, Rahan. She wanted to look at my

Aye, and more.

Let's do.

She's going to decorate the hall with them. My head zips up the back.

Don't you walk away from me. Don't you walk away from me. Morning, Agnes.

Morning, Hamish.

Any chance of a cup of that lovely coffee of yours?

For you, Hamish, anything.

I'll see you later.

Barney, please.

I don't want any knife fights in...

Neither do I.

I'm going to give a hand with these up to the hall.

You mean Becky really does want them?

Aye.

For the Cayley.

She's going to construct a fishing -themed installation.

All right.

Okay. Now, can I have that once more, please?

Do you know, they never really wove tweed locally.

Yes, it was out in the islands mostly.

That's right.

Where is it?

Oh, here it is.

Oh, well, er... Ah, will you just tag them over there in that corner, please,

gentlemen? Thanks.

Funny smell in here, you know.

Don't you smell something?

Maybe the cruse.

No. Well, it's probably the fixing agent.

Sorry?

I thought we ought to use a traditional fixing agent for the tree.

Traditional fixing agent.

But not that right.

This is beyond a joke, yes.

Hamish, could you somehow let her know how the village feels?

A vendetta?

Against me?

Oh, for goodness sake, Hamish. After all I've done for the community.

Very delicate, that's all.

Vicky, these people can be dangerous.

I mean, they've even threatened to burn people out in other places.

Darling, the crow is the symbol of death. They're not scaring me or burning

out.

You can't give in to these people.

Now, I didn't intend to take this any further, Hamish. But if you insist on

personalising it, I'm sure your superiors in Inverness will be very

No, no, I don't think there's any need to involve them. I mean, if it's a local

matter, I'll sort it out.

Well, you better do it soon then, haven't you?

Where's your dad?

Under a tractor last time I saw him.

Tell him I want to work with him about a letter. What letter? Just tell him.

Hey!

This thing M .O .T.'s. What?

M .O .T.'s.

No. What? Just ask him.

Sorry. Isabel, can I have a word?

Hang on.

I'll just pop this off to the printer then open. You printed up by half three.

New technology, Flora, eh?

Can't it be doing me?

Ask for a police horse to send me a Land Rover.

Have a look at this.

Any idea where it came from?

It's been cut up from an old copy of The Listener.

Is that it?

That's about all I can say.

2 ,000 copies a week.

2 ,001. Well, that's good.

What about prints and all that forensic stuff?

Send it off to Inverness?

No, I'd rather trot this out, Moan.

You OK?

Mm -hm. Listen, Isabel.

Keep this to yourself, eh?

Oh, by the way, I was wondering, um... You going to the ceilidh?

Well, I was supposed to be in it.

Why?

Well, could you look after a wee jock? I'm going fishing.

Of course, Hamish. No trouble.

Aye, well, it's not a letter I'd be sending her.

I'll ignore that.

I haven't the foggiest idea about that, Hamish.

You've been shooting crows, I see.

Oh, goodness gracious me, eh?

My freedom to shoot vermin is to be curtailed, is it?

Aye, the ugly face of fascism, boy.

You're calling me a fascist?

Well, if the cap fits, Hamish.

Look, I'll tell you this, Lachlan, this is bad.

This is very, very bad.

And when I find out who did it, they're in big, big trouble.

Well, don't look at me, Hamish. I can't even spell.

Very good.

Hamish?

Yes?

Half the village wants rid of our boy. Aye, and so does the other half.

So it's crows nailed to doors and threatening letters now, eh? And how do

know about that?

Isabel told me about the letter.

I'm just after telling Isabel.

She knew already.

Rory told her.

And the postman told him.

And Esme told Agnes about the crow on account of her niece Kirsty hearing

tell Cameron at the bank.

Oh, serious place.

Unbelievable.

I know, I know.

You can't clean your ferret's cage out here without it being on CNN.

You should know that.

If you want my advice, let it all blow over.

Maybe you're right.

As long as you can keep Inspector Bruce off your case.

Bruce? What do you know about Bruce?

Oh, he's been screaming for you all day on the radio.

I told him you were out chasing poachers.

Did he believe you?

The man's a balloon.

Of course he believed me.

Especially when I told him you might have a confiscated sea trout for him.

The woman has poisoned the community.

Aye. Here, have another wee drammy, Larkland.

Aye, cheers.

She's taken over the Cayley lock, stock and barrel.

Esme's fizzing. Would her such a moist thing do?

It's a terrible thing when the powers of darkness invade a man's private

business.

You know she phoned the planning. The planning?

You should never mention my caravan, did you?

Aye, and her here not five minutes from Calvinside.

Morningside. Eh?

She comes from Morningside, not Calvinside. Ach, Morningside,

Backside, they're all the bloody same.

Incomers telling us how to live our lives. Aye, and buying up all the good

houses. So is local people like TV John here have to live in caravans without

planning permission?

Aye. Hey, wait a minute.

I'm an incomer.

Aye, Barney, but I mean, there's incomers.

There's incomers.

Agnes. Have you seen Barney?

No.

Quiet the night, eh?

Look, I just popped in for a chat. There's been a wee bit of trouble, you

More than a wee bit, I'd say.

Look, there's no easy way of asking this, but there's been threats made to

Jeffery.

So you think it was me that sent them? No, no, no, I just, you know, I'm

I'm just here.

Hamish.

Barney and me, we've been here, what?

Five years now.

We're accepted.

We go with the flow.

I had my man.

Friends.

Now look at it.

Eh?

It makes my blood boil to see her march in here and act as though she was what?

The Queen of Sheba... Pardon me, what was she like, this?

So... You think I'm after her?

Well,

you're right.

Now, prove it.

We've run out of developers.

Parrot should be charged, Hamish. The marina's a writer.

Lachlan.

You know, you just can't go around strangling folk like that.

What way would you like me to strangle her, then? Don't start.

You're bloody lucky she's no press charges.

She made him do it. That's right, boy.

Who unscrewed the wheel?

That's who you should be looking for. That's right as well, boy.

And how do you know it was unscrewed?

Well,

I just... I just, you know...

I just thought...

Lachie, are you a complete plonker?

When I get my hands on you... I thought you'd be pleased. Right!

You're beefing it.

The Perrier. You for assault.

You for writing and threatening notes. And for nailing crows to door.

Okay?

Hello.

Detective Inspector Bruce, how are you, sir?

Thittler Watch.

Yes, well, we did have a small incident, sir, but it's all under control now.

A sea trout?

Well, I may just have one for you, sir.

Not at all. Don't you mention it.

Bye now.

Hamish, um... Come on.

Hamish, look, I did loosen our field nuts. A wee bit, but...

I don't know anything about dead crows or notes or... The boy's telling the

truth, Hamish.

You couldn't spell crow, could you?

No.

Oppenheimer.

Oh, what's wrong with my head? I've just remembered.

Abernheimer is a set of the Stuart clan.

If you just wait there, Mr. Abernheimer, I'll sort you out. As long as it's some

short red red, Callum, will you?

There's a lad. Oh, there you are, Mr. Abernheimer. Now, this is your royal

Stuart dress card.

A very, very special reserve, this one. And for you, I think we're talking a...

Come on, lads! Away with us to the level, Tom!

Recover from yesterday, I see. Oh, let them come, Hamish, whoever they are.

take them all off.

She says it's lock doody or die.

Hamish, you think you know a lot about girls, but you don't understand women.

Oh, really?

She could no more admit she was at fault than fly in the air.

Hello.

Not the right tone, son.

Will I take your joke now?

Nah.

Mission trip's cancelled.

Not coming in, Hamish.

It'll be quite a good show.

I'm up to my neck in it, John.

He's sorted out this note thing, you know.

Well, everybody from the village is here.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I don't know why she's got the chairs out.

It's a ceilidh, not a bloody resuscitation.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Beltane

Ceilidh. You know I've been doing a bit of research, and with the help of Isabel

Sutherland...

I

have discovered that according to the Loch Doolistner...

According to the lockdown listener of May 1892... You know,

I've just been thinking, Lachie.

Maybe you could rebuild that black house.

Charge the tourists a fiver, a skull, to sit inside it.

Do you reckon I'll get a fiver, dear?

Or maybe even six.

It's a baffling joke.

Pure baffling.

So to open our musical evening, let us welcome Evadne McTurk of the Connaughton

Amateur Operatic.

Scottish medley.

Did you hear the planning boy was here today?

Oh,

with

the power of the gift to gaze, they see ourselves as others see us.

Paul?

Love you.

Give me a bit of elbow.

to the trail, partner.

So what was it, Paul?

Another woman?

Boredom? No, no, no.

I just wanted to get her to stop organising.

I don't want to move again. Everywhere we go, she tries to run everything, and

then she gets impatient when the locals won't follow her, and then we leave.

So why didn't you say something?

Why didn't you talk to her?

Talk?

Talk for years.

I thought the letters might frighten her, make her come to me.

What'll happen?

Well, I'll depend on your wife.

1959, that's when it came to me.

I wrote a short story about a half -Pawnee, half -Scotsman, Luke Kincaid.

I've never been there, you know.

The West.

in the further western Bristol.

Can't face the ceilidh, Hamish.

Well, look, Kincaid, we'd go.

Would he?

Getting lively on this thing, kid.

You make a total fool of yourself, organising other people's lives for

Because I was too scared to tell you.

Tell them now.

Because I still love you enough to care.

You didn't say.

You didn't ask.

Come on, you two. We need an extra couple for the eightsome reel. Willie!

Come on Jock.

Go and catch a trout and bribe that stupid inspector.

Oh man.

Doesn't get much better than this.