Original subtitles

I've got two fine pets here.

That'll be it.

The poachers are good enough to be here, stupid.

They're a scourge in their mistake, eh, Mr. Clooney?

Angus, come here, you big idiot.

By the by, did I mention that Miss Alexandra's coming?

Oh,

come on.

Come on.

Go, go, go.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hey, Barney.

Agnes.

Oh, it's hardly a matter of luck, Barney. It's a matter of pure skill.

Here. I've got a couple of really nice ones outside.

£30 secures the pair of them.

Um, yeah.

It's on the house.

Hey, Shorty.

Shut that bracket up.

I'm not making a racket.

A machinist. You're pressing the buttons. I said cut it out, eh?

We'll have no rowing in here. Look, you big idiot.

The loudest things in here right now are that jumper and that stupid shirt

you're wearing.

So why don't you just stop, find yourself a sympathetic tailor, and get

straightened out?

Bonnie!

Can you not see he's only a bairn? Let go, or you'll feel

it next.

Right, Barney, you run across and get Macbeth over here.

I'll keep Mr.

Robb occupied in the meantime.

Wait!

There's no need to involve the police in this.

Another time, McKeever.

And you just watch your mouth, boy.

Just watch!

I'm just about to smack him there for you, John.

You should have let me take him.

Put something cold on the boy's eye, Alex.

I'll go and get you that wee message.

Two wee messages.

So who started it?

Geordie Robb.

And finished it.

Young suitor will have some face on him, I can tell you.

You can look now.

John Robb's even worse than his father was. And that's saying something.

I'll talk to him in the morning. Oh, you can't.

He was heading off to Inverness on a week's golfing holiday, according to

Barney. Well, I'll talk to him when he gets back then.

How's the book?

It's all right, actually.

She's coming up.

That much?

Aye. But what about the EEC bit? The EEC?

Behave yourself, boy. Listen, we are entrepreneurs, Lucky Junior.

What care we for the EEC?

Well, then.

Timmy.

Hi, August.

Hello, Amy.

Chuck.

Here you go, Amy.

Fancy some solids with your beer? I've a very nice salmon patty on the go.

Oh, well, maybe just a wee nibble, Barney.

What's going on over there, I wonder?

The wheels of commerce never stop turning, Hamish.

Morning, Alice.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Well, as you can see, the firm of Macrae and Son are raring to go.

You know it's required, Lachlan, so I'll let you get on with it. Alice, I was

wondering, is there any chance that Big Geordie might give us a hand, do you

think? My son's no back to the gulf, Lachlan, but Whiskey Bob's there if you

want him.

Aye, aye, Whiskey Bob will do fine.

You're dealing with a can -do company in Macrae and Son, you know, Alice.

Drive on, Lucky Junior.

No big Geordie Rob.

Better and better.

Onwards and upwards.

Let me get young Dr Brown in to see you. No!

He'll know.

As soon as he sees, he'll know.

I heard a lorry.

It's the Macraes.

This requires a bit more nerve.

All right? Are you all right?

Stockings.

Stockings.

No.

Stockings. Women's stockings. Tights, for God's sake.

I'm not going into a shop and asking for a woman's tights. What would people

think? What sick images would flash through their brains?

Everything's just fine, dear one. I'll be with you in a jiff.

There you are now.

I wasn't too long, was I?

You smell

awful nice, Rory.

That'll be my Chanel.

It's called Poor Home.

And now, Esme, some mood music.

It's only bloody music.

Maybe Campbell's got this place wired up like a bloody hypermountain.

Right, take that.

Go on, go on.

Hamish Macbeth calling Hamish Macbeth. This is TV, John McKeever calling Hamish

Macbeth. Over.

Aye, I know who it is, John.

What do you want?

Would you go and see the man at the Loch Dew General Stores?

See, Rory, about what?

So help me, Hamish, this'll have you baffled. I mean, a burglar is one thing,

but this makes no sense at all.

You know, this must have made some kind of noise when it was forced, Rory.

You sure you heard nothing?

I sleep like a bairn. And I had an earful of fiddle music before I turned

That's a state -of -the -art sound system up there. You'll hear nothing

that.

Touch anything?

Nothing. And that's the funny thing. Neither did whoever robbed me.

Except for half a hundredweight of table salt.

And that's it?

Nothing else? Nothing. And as you can see for yourself, there's whiskey and

sorts back here. It's... Baffling.

Baffling. I mean, what would anybody want with that amount of salt?

Baffling.

Well, I suppose I should check for that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I've got a business to run. I need access to my

I only called you in to make it formal, for the insurance, you understand.

Yeah, but there's a damage to the back door, Rory. Yeah, well, I'll just batter

a couple of nails in there and I'll maybe hit the insurance for a couple of

extras. A couple of crates of whisky, say, and maybe some fags. I'll see

to cover the damage.

Well,

I'll keep my ears open anyway.

Crime's a crime, I know that, Rory. Well, you please yourself, Hamish. Now,

see you out, shall I?

It's Alexandra McLean.

All right.

See you now.

Hello, Homer.

Alexandra.

Heard you were coming home.

Only for a few days.

Of course.

Nice car.

Isn't it, though?

Belongs to my publisher.

He's come up with me.

Has he?

That's nice.

Morning, sir.

Lovely car. Thank you.

Would you like to toot the horn or something?

Where are my manners? I haven't introduced you to.

Peter, Peter.

This is Hamish Macbeth.

Hamish Macbeth?

That's right, sir.

What a stupid name.

Look, we'd better get going.

I have to pick up a few odds and ends.

Of course.

You have a nice day now, sir.

Hamish Macbeth.

I thought you were waking me up. It's too good to be true. Thanks, Ian.

Yeah, belongs to Mr.

Peterson.

Friend of Miss McLean.

He also thinks I've got a funny name.

Oh, dear.

It's only St. Bruno, Hamish.

Aye.

I could do with a lift out to the Fish and Game Company, Hamish. I've a house

call to make.

Who's sick?

Lucy Robb. She fell off a forklift last night.

Ah, well, I'd be meaning to if I weren't with Big Geordie anyway.

You said it happened last night, Lucy.

That's right.

Look, I don't want a fuss.

Just some painkillers until the worst of it passes.

I think you've a couple of cracked ribs there, Lucy.

I want you to have an X -ray, just to be on the safe side.

And a couple of days in the infirmary with proper medical attention.

Look, Doctor, I don't think that's really necessary.

But I think it is, Lucy.

Is your husband about?

I'd appreciate it if you can tell me when your son does come back, Alice.

I will.

But you know big Geordie Robb, Hamish.

He's probably shacked up with some tart somewhere.

And we need him here.

I'm all but useless with my leg.

Lucy can barely move.

And Whiskey Bob.

Well, he's a good man when he's sober, Hamish, but...

That's a rarer scythe than Hayley's comet.

Aye.

Listen, Alice, would you mind if I stepped across and had a word with the

Macraes? Not at all. You get on with it.

Half a hundred weight of salt, and nothing else was touched.

You must be baffled, Hayley, boy.

Baffled? You'll not be baffled for long if I know Hayley cook best.

You know, the pair of the rascals banged up before you can say peace.

The pair of them?

Now, what makes you think they was too lucky?

Well, you know, is it no wonder that I'm proud of that boy, eh?

Now, that's nimble thinking. Now, to deduce that it must have taken more than

one man to shift all that salt, boy, that is quick thinking.

Yeah, there could have been three, Lachlan.

Maybe even four.

No, I think you're just nitpicking there, Hamish.

You know, I mean, he just made an observation. You don't expect him to

whole case, do you?

Nah, you're probably right.

If you two hear anything, you'll let me know, though. Yeah, no problem here.

Straight away, Hamish.

What, uh... That's right dandy footwear you're wearing there, Lachlan.

Do you like them?

Yes, uh... Big Geordie Robb, he got himself a new pair, so his wife Lucy

these over to yours truly, you know.

Yes, it's good quality leather, that, yep.

Thank you.

I was just patient.

She was telling lies.

How is it?

Salty.

Right, start dumping them in.

Man, you've found yourself.

Hey, mate. What is it?

God damn.

What time is it?

It's just after six.

Have you had anything to eat?

No.

Well, it's just a wee crab consomme I boiled up at home.

God, I'm thirsty.

So is he.

Young Doc Brown's been here, I take it?

Aye.

In the call room when I was sleeping?

No.

No calls.

Julian, we can cooperate on this.

Thank you, dear. Or we can be rivals.

Constable Macbeth, sir. Thank you, Marquis.

Here may I share some hospitality, please?

No, no, no, I'm fine, thanks.

I'm afraid there's been a burglary at the general store, Major. A half

weight of salt was taken.

Salt?

Well, well, well, well.

Who would have thought that, eh?

Yes, sir.

So, I'm just warning everyone, just in case the thieves try to, you know, pass

on the goods.

I'd appreciate it if you warned your kitchen staff.

So, Constable, you're hot on the trail of a salt seller.

Peter. Now, your friend is just favouring us with some metropolitan wit,

Wasn't that witty, Hamish?

Effervescent, Major.

Did you get my ticket, Mr. Peterson?

Oh, er, yes.

I've had the repair done.

I told Peter.

The car was probably damaged by some envious adolescent.

Well, envious and persistent, it would seem.

What do you mean?

Well, he's went and smashed the other light.

Happened to notice it on the way in.

Even the major.

Here, take it.

You can't believe it. How much have we made?

Plenty. And we'll make plenty more when we get over to nothing.

There's a whole untapped market over there, boy.

Right.

Take us over to Devil's Hump.

We'll save half an hour then.

The Devil's Hump?

Nobody drives over there.

You can barely get three sheep walking abreast on that road. Look, I want time

for my pint at the conclusion of business.

You know me, boy.

Talking with the wedgies in fear.

This is murder.

Don't talk rubbish, man.

Hey, stop the car!

What is it?

Just stop the damn car! What is it?

That's Big Geordie Robb's car. Aye, I know.

Where's Big Geordie?

Reverse back to Loch Doolachie and get Hamish.

Just do it, boy!

Morning, sir.

Who are you? I'm Macbeth, sir. Local man.

Out of town, local?

Well, my folks moved to Glasgow when I was very young.

Joined the forces and eventually moved back here.

Couldn't resist the call of the wild, eh?

Detective Inspector Bruce doing this to DS Sandra MacDonald.

What do we know, Constable?

Well, the car belonged to Mr George Robb.

He left home on a golfing trip about a week ago.

Stopped off at a locked -in hotel and that was the last time he was seen.

And nobody reported him missing?

No, well, Big George did.

Mr Robbie was the waver type, you know.

Frequently disappeared.

A married man?

Aye. And when he disappeared, it was with women.

Maybe other people's women.

Absolutely, sir.

Well, so he didn't mean anything.

Well, he wasn't a popular man, no.

I mean, of course it could be that he injured his self -care and wandered off.

I really don't have the resources to mount a proper search. No, no, no. He

the right thing calling us constable.

Find the blood in the back, sir.

Ah, well, maybe I should say, sir, that Mr. Robiny's family owned the Lochdow

Fish and Game Company.

See, this car was often used to carry carcasses on meat.

Meaning it could be days before we establish if there's human blood in

So?

I don't know if I'm dealing with foul play or a missing person.

Well, we'd better assume he's missing and start looking for him. The usual

appeals in the media were description and photograph.

Oh, aye.

You'd better put in a request for mere men.

I've arranged for you to meet a few of the locals in the Lock 2 hotel, sir.

of the ones that last seen Mr. Rub. That would be very efficient of you,

Constable. Oh, thank you.

She also noticed that the car clock had stopped at 2 .20.

Now, assuming it was working prior to the crash, then we know the exact time

whatever happened.

Very efficient.

Listen here, now!

Now, the big boys from Inverness are coming.

Hamish, there's no taking the pie and no dumb country yokelats, right?

What's that smell?

What? Boiled fish or something?

I bet it's a staple diet around here, sir.

So, what's your name?

TV John McIver, sir.

TV? What's that for?

Thomas Victor or something?

No, TV short for television, sir. I was the first man in Loch Dew to have a set,

you see.

A wee 14 -inch pie, it was. So naturally enough, the name stopped.

Aye, I remember when you managed to get your aerial up, John.

Aye.

Oh, it just seems like yesterday, boy.

Aye, aye.

Aye, tempest -fairly fugitive, eh?

Aye.

That's Whiskey Bob.

I would have no mystery about that name, is there?

Whiskey, whiskey.

Whiskey.

Whiskey for whiskey.

Yep.

Stick one of these in it.

Well then, TV John, what can you tell me about Mr. Rob?

Well, it's just as Barney said.

Big Geordie gave young Jimmy there a smirk and then he left the hotel.

Then when I went out to the car park to get a wee message, I saw Big Geordie

doing something at his car.

Doing what?

Well, he seemed to be looking for something, and he was angry at not

Then he drove off.

Well, that was it.

And you're sure about Rob's clothes?

A blue woolen diamond jumper and a lemon shirt?

Positive.

I mean, who else but a golfer would dress like that?

She agreed that Rob left for Inverness at 9 .30.

Now, it couldn't have taken five hours to drive to the crash site, could it?

Half hour at most, sir.

Must have left here, then went somewhere else first.

Maybe take a shortcut out of the hump to make up for lost time.

Aye.

But where?

She's, uh, pretty young for a DF.

Miss MacDonald.

Young?

That's as old as the hill, son.

She's just oozing with ambition.

Now, mark my words.

That's no long for Inverness. No, sir, it'll be the bright lights of earth in

Dundee for me, Sandra MacDonald.

So, uh, what are you up to, then?

Investigating a burglary, sir.

Aye, well, on you go. We'll complete this search here.

Now, uh, you could check out the young lad's alibi.

Jimmy Souther, is it?

Just in case Mr Robb turns up dead, eh?

Hamish, man, I tried to call you earlier.

Look at this.

The strangest thing that we shoved through my letterbox.

Read it.

And have a look at the P .S.

It's not a bad afternoon now, is it? It's not a bad afternoon, my arse.

nicked. The pair of you.

What are you talking about, bud?

Here's the cash for the salt we took.

We're sorry we were inconvenient to you, but we had a wee cash flow problem.

P .S.

P .S.? If you need a new back door, see Dan MacDonald over at Nothin'. He'll do

you a big thick door for £52 .50.

Plus that.

Now, Dan Macdonald made one door at that price in the last three years, and

guess what?

Uh -huh. That's right.

He made it for you two. Uh -huh.

Lachlan Macrae, Jr.

I'm arresting you under Section 2.

Hamish! Hamish, um... Look, why don't we talk about this, eh?

Well, you can give me the full story and the judge might, and I say might, just

look favourably on that. Certainly.

Certainly I will cough a lot, boy.

Come on.

You, come here.

Lobsters.

See, we had to change their water, you see, so we had to have the salt.

Take it these are stolen as well? Yes. No, well, no, no, not exactly, no. We

were asked to dump them by the fishing game company.

Whiskey Bob gave them the wrong feed to.

Something about EEC regulations. Yeah, they look perfectly all right to me, so

we set up shop, you know.

Saw little neats in the market.

Who bought them?

Oh, just about everybody in Lough Do.

Nothing.

You might have poisoned the whole region. No, we've been eating them

No, no, no. What about long -term effects? Have you thought about that?

I mean, in six months' time, we could have women with whiskers, men with

breasts. Breasts?

Breasts. You never said we'd grow breasts.

I'm still a young man. Aye, well, if it happens, you might not mind asking for

tights.

So, er...

What's our next move, anyway?

Say nothing just now.

We've got a mass panic in our hands here.

Maybe even a lynch mob.

I'll, uh... I'll be sending these to Inverness for analysis.

Well, Mr. Peterson, I thought you'd never get here.

Outside. Or do you intend hiding behind that uniform?

What uniform?

Look, I don't know who you are or what this is all about, but you're making a

mistake, sir. A mistake?

He's making a mistake.

I was a boxing blue at university.

A boxing blue?

Well, my, my.

Tremble, tremble.

Out.

Mr. McKeeler, how are you, if I may ask? Oh, of course you may.

I'm perfectly fine, Major.

And your good self?

Oh, you know, isn't that my house guest? He's not dead, is he? No, no.

He was bobbing when he should have been weaving.

Is there somewhere I could park him?

You can put him there if you like.

What happened?

It was Macbeth.

It was Macbeth, wasn't it?

Hello.

Thought you might like to know how Peter is.

Had Dr Brown take a look at him and there's no lasting damage.

He started it.

Do you have any idea what you sound like?

with a bloody nine -year -old in the school playground.

You provoked him.

You've been provoking him. I provoked him? Wait a minute here. He came for me.

What about him parading up and down the street as if he owned you?

Don't talk about me as if I was some pride to be fought for.

Don't.

God, what did I ever say to you?

Bloody... Neanderthal.

I won't move it up the city.

Just a bit of rough to tell your pals about between the two and the main

is that what it was? I can't believe I heard that.

How could you say that?

Well, how now?

What am I supposed to think?

Why am I not perfectly happy the next minute you're off?

I have to earn a living.

I explained... Scrap, I make a living.

I could support you.

Just the way you make your mark.

And have I never made my mark?

Alex, this is a good place.

Good people.

What more could you want?

You don't want the city. Don't tell me you want the city.

It's a place that just grinds you down, just chew you up, spit you out.

But if we were together, we could... Alex, no, don't listen to me.

I cannae go back to that.

I'm happy here.

I could never leave.

What would I be?

Look, you're just angry at me for what I did to your pal.

You tell me you don't care for me and I swear to God I will never bother you

ever again.

You tell me that.

Missed something off the list?

No, no.

I was just wondering why there was no shoes.

No golf shoes.

Do you think that's what he was killed for? His shoes?

Look, Bruce has got to comb the hills for a missing person. It's a complete

waste of time.

There's a killer out there and I'd like to catch him.

You could make the job so much easier.

Oh, really?

Sure. With your local knowledge.

I think we should work together on this, Hamish.

How do you, Sandra?

Well, I must say, I'm flattered.

And I'm sure there's a lot you can teach me.

And that's cheap scent.

Who was she?

MacDonald.

What was wrong with your bed?

Didn't have the heart to disturb me, Jock.

What's that?

I don't know. It was in the machine when I came in.

Now, why would a detective sergeant lie down with a police constable, I wonder?

Eh?

Hamish? I thought I might need somewhere to dump the credit if my guess was

proved right.

If I go round and start to solve murders, the powers that be might think

outgrown Locke do.

That Bruce is going to have me in the next train back to Glasgow.

Murders? What are you talking about?

I want you to find MacDonald, John.

Make sure she sees that, OK?

Hello, Hayward.

I was wondering if I might have a look in Geordie's wardrobe.

Why do you suppose he never took them, Alice?

I mean, he's not likely to have forgotten his new shoes, is he?

Has Lucy packed for him?

She always packed for him.

She must have forgot.

We'll see.

Aye, well, that explains it.

She's nagging at me, you know.

Ah, joke.

How can people not be like wee dogs, eh?

Simple.

Uncomplicated.

What's wrong?

What's going on here? I'm detaining you under Section 2 of the Criminal Justice

Act of Scotland of 1980 because I suspect you have committed or haven't

committed an offence punishable by imprisonment, namely murder. We'll be

speaking to Alice as well, Bob.

No, no.

I'm the man you're looking for.

I killed Jodie Robb.

You came back that night and started in Lucy.

I couldn't stand by and watch that.

I killed him. Hamish, Alice has something to say.

I killed my son, not Bob.

Alice.

Forgot his golf shoes and came back to them.

He was in a right black mood and, as usual, took it out and lost it.

Just as his father had done with me.

He said Lucy should have checked his bag before he left.

I thought he would surely kill her this time.

But when he fell...

He did the forklift.

Asked Bob to get rid of the car, but that's all he did.

Bob and Lucy are innocent.

I'm the one.

I gave that boy life, and I took it away.

He was such a big, lumpy man.

How did you find out, Hamish?

Well, the McCrae's didn't dump their lobsters out.

They've been selling them all over the district.

See, I thought they might have been poisoned. I took a couple for analysis.

And they fit.

They found bits of blue and lemon wool in the guts.

That's what Bob was wearing the night he disappeared.

So the faction that came through saw him made the connection.

Do you mean...

People have been eating, Big Geordie.

Seems like it.

It's a wonder they didn't choke.

Well done, MacDonald.

This will be your ticket out of Inverness.

Thank you, sir.

Well, what can I say?

What do you think will happen to her?

Probation, most probably.

It was up to me to let her go right now.

Goodbye.

Thank you, Bob.

Oh, you never know, you might be back this way someday.

What's all this?

Oh, they're buying laxatives.

That Rory Campbell's making a fortune.

Laxatives? Aye. For what?

Oh, to get rid of the lobsters.

And Big Geordie.

Deserves them right.

Hamish. Aye.

Do you remember that crab consomme I gave you?

Aye.