Original subtitles

Put these books on the shelf.

Don't roll your eyes at me.

You only got this wizternship because your dad's my dentist.

Ugh. On second thought, get out!

[door closes]

[humming]

[♪ sinister music playing]

- Lord Morsus! - Minister McFigglehorn.

The orc we sent after Billie betrayed us.

But we don't need him anymore. Billie and Justin are at odds!

You know nothing!

The orc is the key to capturing the young wizard.

Once I have Billie,

I will use all of her power to fulfill the prophecy.

All her power? But that could destroy her.

Then so be it.

[evil laughter]

[laughing]

- No, I laugh. You don't. - Right. Sorry.

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

[whispering] ♪ You could run into trouble If you go to extremes because ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Let me get this straight.

After you slow danced with Quentin,

he took you to a park where he revealed

he was really an orc sent to betray you.

But then he didn't betray you because he caught feelings,

and then Justin tried to blast him,

and now Quentin's out there pining for us?

- Pining for us? - You're my best friend, so like it or not,

your romance is my romance.

[sighs] Man, Quentin disobeyed an evil wizard to protect me.

I have to find him and make sure he's okay.

Are you going out the window?

Justin already didn't want me hanging out with Quentin.

There's no way he's gonna be cool with it

now that he knows Quentin's an orc.

- Billie! - Winter!

- Don't try to stop me. - Stop you?

You're doing this for love. Let me get that window for ya.

Wait, what am I doing in your room?

And that is what I ask every time you come in here.

Can you get out now? Because I need to hide these gummy bears and

I don't want you telling Milo where they are.

Well, don't worry, your secret is safe with me.

Not because you can trust me, but because I don't care.

[gasps] How could I come in this way?

I didn't even know we had a window here.

I gotta get out of this stupid house.

Going somewhere?

I'm definitely trying to.

- What did you do? - I knew you'd go look for Quentin,

so I put a hex on the house. Anytime you try to leave,

you'll just... come right back in.

Do you have that little trust in me?

Less, actually.

You are in serious danger, Billie.

- Just let me handle it. - Okay, and what am I supposed to do?

I'm so glad you asked.

I want you to pick a guy off this list of approved boyfriends.

- There's no one on this. - Exactly.

Ha-ha, real funny. My whole life is a joke!

I didn't even go out a window that time.

- Billie, would you happen to know where... - Under his mattress.

I was gonna ask her where my other shoe is,

but this is way better.

Justin hexed the house and I can't leave.

Wait, why are you still here? Can you not leave either?

Oh, no, I can. I just don't.

Okay, did you find Quentin?

Nope, I checked the school,

the park, and under every bridge I could find.

Winter, he's an orc, not a troll.

- Then where do orcs live? - In trash caves.

I'm not going to New Jersey, Billie.

But I'll keep looking.

[line disconnects]

[sighs]

Quentin, where are you?

- [window knocks] - Ow!

- Quentin? - Ow!

What is that?

Whoa! [grunts]

Oh, finally!

I've been flopping my brains out trying to get your attention.

I'm a messenger fish. Quentin sent me.

[gasping]

Does he miss me? Not that I miss him.

Unless he said it first. Did he say it first?

- Because if he said it first, then... - Oh, girl, you got it bad.

What's the message, Fish?

[♪ magical tone plays]

Billie, I know you're going to try to find me, but it's not safe.

Lord Morsus is looking for me, so please just stay away.

Well, I delivered the message. I'm out of here.

No, no, you can't go. You have to take me to Quentin.

But I can't leave the house.

I gotta find some way to force Justin to remove the hex.

[Milo] Billie! I need your help!

This sounds promising.

I ate all of Roman's gummy bears.

- He's gonna kill me! - Milo, you're a wizard.

You can conjure a bag of gummy bears.

You can conjure ten bags and...

You can conjure enough to fill this whole house.

Do not know what that last thing you muttered was, but I'm in.

There you go. One gummy bear spell.

- And it'll fix my problem? - It'll fix "a" problem.

Sounds like the same thing to me.

Conjure mouse and gummy friends,

a constant flow that never ends!

[♪ magical tone plays]

It worked!

It's still working!

Why is it still working?

So begins my two-step plan.

Step one, fill the house with gummy bears.

Step two, leave.

[door opens]

Okay. I got my net launcher, my water cannon,

and my egg-zooka.

If this Morsus guy comes for Billie,

he's getting zooked.

I love it when you get all mama bear like that.

What are you doing?

Ugh, I'm searching this Tribunal Villain Database.

Every evil wizard in history has a record here.

That's weird. There's a record missing.

But only someone with Tribunal-level clearance

or higher can remove information from the database.

Oh! A gummy bear? Where'd this come from?

I have a bad feeling about this.

Maybe it'll be fine.

- [Roman] Mom, Dad, help! - Maybe not.

I'm being attacked by gummy bears!

Well, don't just stand in it!

Ah! Now what? Nowhere is safe!

[crying]

- What did you do? - I didn't do this!

- I can't do this. - Then who did?

- [Milo] Daddy! - Shoulda known.

[gummy bears rattling]

- Milo? - Can we just skip to the part

where I apologize and you fix this?

Because I've got gummy bears in my underwear and it is sticky!

Everyone out of the house!

I can't believe it's gonna take two days for the WizTerminator

to get rid of the gummy bear infestation.

And we have to stay out of the house.

Which definitely wasn't step two of my plan.

Well, I didn't know Aunt Alex has an apartment in Manhattan.

It's because she's never here. But trust me, this place is totally safe.

Practically a fortress with the amount of enchantment she put on it.

So, how are we gonna get in?

- I... know the password. - [Giada] Mmm.

Password.

Whoa, this place is amazing!

Uh, why aren't we here all the time?

[loud zapping]

Oh, that's why!

Alex? What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm sorry, I live here.

What are you doing here?

Sorry, we had a problem at the house,

but we didn't know you were home. We can find someplace else to stay.

No, no, don't be ridiculous.

Well, you could've given me a heads-up

before you just showed up on my doorstep.

Like the heads-up you gave me before you showed up on my doorstep with Billie?

Touché.

Hey, guys, welcome!

Guys!

I'm so excited that you're here.

I'm sorry about the whole almost zapping your faces off thing,

but in my defense, you woke me up pretty early.

Alex, it's 4:30 in the afternoon.

It must be amazing not having kids. [laughs]

But I wouldn't change anything for the world.

Way to say that quiet part out loud.

Um, are you guys hungry?

Please help yourself to anything in the fridge.

[whispers] Justin, I need to talk to you.

I need to show you something.

I've been up all night studying.

[laughs]

I'm sorry, I thought you said you were up all night studying.

Hey, I study.

[both laughing]

Okay, no, no. Seriously.

I think I found something. So, the last few weeks,

I've been looking at the Oracle's painting of Billie.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

How'd you get this from the Archive?

Oh, I pulled this incredible art heist.

I broke so many rules, you would have hated it.

I hate even hearing about it.

No, no, but I think I figured something out.

Do you see this red cloud behind Billie?

It's a rift, a gateway from our world to the world of dark magic.

So the prophecy is Billie opening the rift.

Hey, you really were up all night studying.

Can you imagine if I had applied myself in high school?

- I'd be you. - Please never say that again.

I regretted it as soon as I did.

- Lemonade, nice! - Milo, don't drink that!

Oh, okay, we need to get that off you.

- Why, is it gonna stain? - No, explode.

[explosion]

Oh. Okay, and I owe you a jacket.

Don't worry, I brought an extra one.

- Oh, this is cool. - No, don't!

- [snaps] - [yelps]

Maybe I should take the boys

to the guest room and get them settled in.

Is there anything I need to be worried about in there?

No. Just don't look under the bed. Or in the closet.

And you might want to knock on the toilet lid before you...

But, uh, other than that, you're good.

Okay. Come on.

[Messenger Fish] Hey! You gonna let me out of here?

Check out this view. So many buildings.

- I'm gonna go look at them. - Not so fast.

- Give me your wand. - [both] That's not fair.

Oh.

Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

Your dad voice is really coming in.

You're taking my wand?

Even you're not irresponsible enough to go after Quentin without that.

- But... - Billie. Wand.

[growling]

[Giada] What is that?

- Should I go check on them? - You know, I would.

Am I taking you to Quentin or can I go home?

No, don't leave. I just need to figure out

how to escape an enchanted apartment without my wand.

That's easy. Just flop in the toilet and then flush yourself down.

Yeah, I'm not doing that for, like, a thousand reasons.

- [Alex] Billie. - Whoa!

- Who are you talking to? - Uh, you. [chuckles]

What's up, girl? How you living?

- Okay, what's going on? - Why would you think something's going on?

Because you're acting like me when something's going on.

So, spill it.

[sighs] Okay. Well, Justin and I are kind of fighting right now.

Ugh.

What did he do?

What? He's my brother.

Any fight I've ever had with him... was his fault.

Well, this boy at school asked me to a dance.

- [gasps] Ooh, is he cute? - Justin doesn't like him.

Oh, he's definitely cute.

Justin won't even let me talk to him.

Well, maybe you see something in him that Justin doesn't.

And if you really like this guy, you should follow your heart.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

As someone whose type is bad boys you think you can fix,

but you can't, so you end up writing songs about them...

Oh, I know what I'm talking about.

- I've missed you. - I missed you more.

- [groans] - Dad, why are you taking my wand?

Milo, you infested our house with gummy bears.

Are we still talking about that?

- Now, Roman... - You're taking my wand?

- This is so unfair! - I'm not taking your wand.

You're the only responsible one.

Well, I didn't know that's where that was going,

and I'm sorry for yelling.

Justin, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, what's up?

Why would you forbid Billie from seeing the boy she likes?

I swear, you get more and more like Dad every day.

Okay, first, thank you.

And second, because he's not a boy, he's an orc.

- Oh. - Billie didn't tell you that, did she?

She did not.

Well, hey, you dated a vampire,

I dated a werewolf. Maybe she's into orcs.

Why you gotta orc-shame her?

Well, the orc she likes is working for an evil wizard named Lord Morsus.

Oh.

Billie didn't tell you that either, did she?

She did not.

I mean, I get why she would lie to you because, well,

it's you, but why would she lie to me?

I'm the cool one.

Well, I don't get to be the cool one because

I have to be the responsible one.

That's what being a parent is. You wouldn't get that.

I don't have to be a parent to know what's right for Billie.

Right for Billie? You left her with me.

That means that I get to decide what's right for her.

Well, I wouldn't have left her with you if I had known

you were just gonna turn her into a miniature version of you.

- Excuse me? - Okay, okay, okay, everybody.

I think we're losing sight of the whole

Lord Morsus coming after Billie thing.

She's right.

I'm gonna go to the Tribunal and figure out what happened to that record

- and the database. - I'm coming with you.

- Me too. - Giada, please, no.

- I'm sorry. - Are you an investigative reporter

nominated for three regional Emmys?

No.

Are you?

No.

To the Tribunal.

Actually, I don't know how to get there, so I need one of you to go first.

Roman, you're in charge while we're gone.

You will not regret this.

Milo, Billie, you might.

- Wait, you're leaving? - Don't worry.

As long as you're in the apartment, you're safe.

- Just don't open the door. - Or touch anything.

Or eat anything. Or look at anything.

Just don't do anything!

Who sounds like Dad now?

Don't worry. I'll keep the kids safe.

I'm gonna go feed stuff to the toilet monster.

Hey! I'm in charge! Let's go feed stuff to the toilet monster!

And that's why you're in charge.

That's why you don't keep your wand in your back pocket.

[♪ ominous music playing]

Lord Morsus, I've received word

that Justin and Alex Russo are here at the Tribunal.

Then my plan is nearly complete.

Billie's greatest fear is that she is not part of a family.

I will use that fear against her.

She will lose control of her powers,

- and the prophecy will be... - [Justin] Minister McFigglehorn.

- Uh-oh. - [yelps]

Justin, Alex, mortal wife...

Does she not know my name?

She's been to our house like four times.

Minister McFigglehorn, you're in charge

of the Tribunal Villain Database, aren't you?

Let me think about this.

I'll help you out. You are.

I happen to have noticed there's some information missing.

Tell us everything you know about Lord Morsus.

Lord Morsus, Lord Morsus. Hmm, not ringing any bells.

Can you use it in a sentence?

Sure, I can.

Tell us everything you know about Lord Morsus.

I went to high school with a Lloyd Corsus.

Does that help?

You know it doesn't.

- [toilet flushing] - [creature burping]

Why did you feed my phone to the toilet monster?

It was the only way he'd let go of my phone.

Now I have to conjure a new one.

Where's my wand?

Where's Billie?

Oh, she must have taken my wand and snuck out.

Man, I'm glad I'm not in charge.

[chair growling]

This is why we don't come into the city!

- [knocking at door] - Someone's here.

Wait, no, Milo, Dad told us not to open the door.

- [knocking at door] - What if it's Billie?

Have you ever known Billie to knock?

[rapid knocking]

- Uh, give me your phone. I'll call Dad. - Okay.

- [tires screeching] - [cars honking]

- Nice catch. - Nice throw.

[lock rattling]

- Roman, I'm scared. - It's all gonna be okay.

Are you pushing me toward the door?

I haven't lived as long as you.

I've got so much left to see.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Whoa! Oh.

What is this place?

It's where Lord Morsus told me to bring ya.

And I brought ya. I'm out!

Lord Morsus?

[♪ ominous music playing]

It's you.

[door creaks]

I'm trapped.

So you're him.

You're Lord Morsus.

You are Lord Morsus, right?

If you're Lord Morsus, don't say anything.

I knew it!

Where's Quentin? He better be okay.

Fine. Then I'll make you tell me where Quentin is.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

The record on Lord Morsus was removed from the Villain Database.

- Only you could have deleted it. - Well, I didn't.

I have no idea who this Lord Morsus is

or why he'd be after Billie. I can't help you.

Yes, you can.

Yeah, you're gonna help us, girl, because...

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. You heard her.

She doesn't know anything. And if she doesn't know anything,

she doesn't know anything.

Right.

She clearly doesn't know anything, so we should probably just go.

I wish you would. You've been quite disruptive.

I was, like, totally in the middle of something.

Where are you going?

- Uh, we can't just leave. - Oh, we're not going anywhere.

- We aren't? - No, that witch is hiding something.

- She is? - Yes.

Every time I see her,

she makes a big deal out of what I'm wearing.

This time, she didn't say anything, and look.

- Alex, that's your proof? - It is super suspect.

That jacket is incredible.

Also, McFigglehorn said she doesn't know

why Lord Morsus is going after Billie.

We never told her he was going after Billie.

Yeah, and would you take Giada's thing

And add it to my equally important thing? We got her.

If she's working for Morsus, she must be under a spell.

But it would take a powerful object to enchant her.

The Eye of Evilini was missing from the creepy Crypt of Cursed Curiosities.

- What? - Please don't make me say that again.

So what do we do?

Well, freeing McFigglehorn is our only chance of stopping Lord Morsus.

Then we're not leaving until we destroy that amulet.

[lock rattling]

Someone's trying to break into the apartment

and we don't have our wands. What are we gonna do?

Roman, we've only been wizards for a few months,

but we've been precocious pranksters our whole lives.

Well, I have. You're kind of a goody-goody.

Not the insult you think it is.

This place is full of dangerous, enchanted stuff.

- We can set a trap. - Okay, uh, what's the plan?

To set a trap.

I just said it.

[high-pitched squeak]

There. Everything is in place. All you have to do now is unlock the door.

Great. Thanks for leaving me the scariest part.

You're welcome.

- Roman. - Yeah?

I just want you to know...

If something happens to you... I'm taking the bottom bunk.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

Come in!

[squawks]

[squawks]

- [high-pitched snapping] - [grunting]

[yelps]

- [chair growling] - [grunting]

We got him. Let's turn him into smoke.

Maybe we should see who it is first.

Right. Then we turn him into smoke.

Okay. Giada, Justin and I will distract McFigglehorn

while you search for the amulet.

- It could be anywhere. - You're talking to the woman

that found a contact lens on an ice skating rink.

If the amulet's in there, I'll find it.

- There you are. - Found it.

Give us the amulet, McFigglehorn.

Never!

- [shrieking] - Oh!

Give up, McFigglehorn. You're out-wanded.

The spell I am!

Ankle wand.

[zapping]

- [grunting] - [zapping]

Oh!

Somebody should get that amulet.

Right, I'll get the amulet.

Okay, McFigglehorn, let's dance. [grunts]

- Did you just ask her to dance? - No.

It's a cool thing to say in a wand fight.

The only dancing I'm gonna do is on your grave.

Now that was a cool thing to say in a wand fight.

- Got it! - [whirs]

Lost it.

Yes! The eye is mine. You cannot stop Lord Morsus.

The rift will open and evil will reign,

even if it destroys the young wizard.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

No!

Russos, what are you doing here?

Ooh, Alex, love the jacket. [laughs]

Told ya.

Last chance, Morsus. Tell me where Quentin is.

Why are you tied up?

[gasps] Quentin?

- Are you okay? - Morsus sent that message.

- It was all a trap. - Yeah, I figured that out.

You shouldn't have come here, Billie.

It was all my fault.

I'm sorry you ever met me.

I'm not.

[♪ soft, romantic music plays]

But I don't get it.

If Lord Morsus wanted me here so bad, then where is he?

[grunts] Boys, what do you think you're doing?

[both] Dad?

Thank goodness it's you.

Yup, it's me.

[sinisterly] Your dad.