Original subtitles

Billie, Billie, you gotta see this. Look at Mr. Simms.

Now look at Roman.

What am I supposed to be seeing here?

Just look at Mr. Simms.

Now look at Roman. Now Simms.

Now Roman.

Now look at Simms. Now look at Roman.

- Now look at Simms. Now look at... - Milo, what is it?

They're wearing the same shirt.

- Oh! [laughs] - Oh, what are you guys laughing about?

Oh, just someone who's wearing the same shirt as a teacher.

Ooh, ouch. Hate to be that guy.

Lookin' sharp, Mr. Simms.

And I'm that guy, aren't I? You know what?

I don't even care. Nothing can ruin my day.

- Why? - Let's just say, as of tomorrow,

a certain wizard will surpass another certain wizard

on the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board.

There's no way he's passing me on the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board.

Hey, he could have been talking about me.

He's not, but he could have been.

Roman's ten points away from me.

I don't get it. All our lessons are together.

When's he been learning new spells?

You know on Saturdays when you sleep till noon,

watch TV till 3:00, take a nap, have dinner,

then scroll through WizTok till you fall asleep?

- Yeah? - That's when.

Oh, that's how he wants to play.

Okay. Now, I'mma get up early tomorrow and do new spells all day.

He's not catching up to me. Hear that, Roman?

Okay, now he's ignoring me.

Hey, you, you might not be embarrassed

in that ugly teacher shirt you're wearing

but you're gonna be embarrassed tomorrow

when... uh... Mr. Simms...

looking sharp.

I'm in trouble, aren't I?

What? Saturday detention?

Look, I'm sorry about what I said.

I was just jealous because your shirt is so cool.

Thank you.

Not you, I wasn't complimenting your dumb shirt.

It's the dumbest shirt I've ever seen.

Mr. Simms, I didn't mean your dumb shirt, I meant his dumb shirt.

Grandma's getting a second thank you note for this baby.

[singing] ♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

[whispering] ♪ You could run into trouble if you go to extremes because ♪

[singing] ♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Whew! Man, I can't believe I'm up this early on a Saturday.

And I can't believe I slept till 8:00.

Who am I? You?

I'm kidding. You're never up by 8:00.

Oh, gosh. Big day today.

- I have to... - I know. Pass me on...

Pass you on the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board!

[chuckles] I even beat you saying it.

Since you'll be in detention all day not doing magic,

I can take my time picking out the perfect spell

for when I eclipse you on the board.

I could do a Fireworks spell. Or... or a Confetti spell.

- Ooh, FireFetti. That's fun. - And you're the worst.

Yeah, the worst who's about to become the best.

- Ah! Good morning, Justin. - I'm not letting you out of detention.

- But it's Saturday. - That's not a reason, Billie.

- [cell phone ringing] - Hello?

What? The detention monitor's out sick

and I have to cover for detention?

But it's Saturday.

I know that's not a reason.

Well, looks like the both of us are spending our Saturday in detention.

[♪ sad trombone playing]

Oh, sorry. No, that wasn't mocking you.

I just... I learned a new Sad Trombone spell.

One spell closer.

[♪ sad trombone playing]

That one was mocking you.

The garbage disposal's broken again.

I'll fix it, Mom.

Fix-us Sink-us.

That was weird. Let me try it again.

Fix-us, Sink-us, no Bubble-us.

- What's happening? - Oh, bad news, Giada.

I just got called in to monitor detention.

Oh, but you're the principal.

Can't you just write yourself a note to get out of it?

No.

Maybe.

No!

Dad, I think something's wrong with my wand.

I tried to do a spell and bubbles came out.

That's because I put parental controls on it.

Anytime you try a spell that you're not ready for,

all you'll get is bubbles.

But I don't need parental controls.

Wait, is this because I made giant killer gumballs

that almost destroyed your school carnival?

It wasn't, but it is now!

Brain Wipe!

That's not even a spell.

I think your bubble wand is adorable.

I don't wanna be adorable, I wanna be a powerful wizard!

I've been adorable my whole life!

Only nine more new spells and everyone will be calling me

the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boy.

[laughs]

That's what you want us to call you?

Obviously not.

But fortunately, I have all day to come up

with something better while you're in detention.

Wiz Kid!

That's what you'll be calling me, The Wiz Kid.

Use that one.

There's no way I'm gonna get points if I'm in detention.

This is the worst.

At least you have a real wand. Dad put parental controls on mine.

Hey, Milo, how would you like to use my wand today?

- Wha... really? - Yeah, I mean,

you can learn new spells on a wand that doesn't have parental controls,

and I'll get points on the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board.

- It's a win-win. - And Roman will be super annoyed.

So it's a win-win-win.

[snoring]

- Uh, could you move those, please? - Yeah, no problem.

- Happy? - I think you know I'm not.

I'm just messing with you. I'm Quentin.

- You're the principal's kid. - Yeah.

- Roman, right? - I know you did not just call me that.

Oh, oh, I get it. You're messing with me.

- Some people find it charming. - Some people are wrong.

All right, all right, settle down, settle down.

Miss Shumway couldn't be here, so I will be in charge of your detention.

Detention.

D is for disappointed.

E is for "everyone else enjoying their Saturday, huh?"

That's no fun.

He's not gonna do the whole word, is he?

And then there's N, which is for no talking.

T is for talking in no talking.

That's a twofer.

- [cell phone ringing] - All right, whose phone is that?

- There are no phones allowed in detention. - [cell phone ringing]

When I find out whose phone this is, you are gonna be in so...

I think it's yours.

[gasps]

Uh, well, just excuse me. I will be right back.

[cell phone ringing]

Ah, Minister McFigglehorn!

Sticking with that look, huh?

Good for you.

Mr. Russo, you have been selected

to conduct a complete accounting of the Crypt of Cursed Curiosities.

Oh, sure, I'd be happy to.

I just have an obligation today at school,

but I'll start on the inventory first thing tomorrow.

No! It has to be today.

This is incredibly important Tribunal business,

- Tribunal member Russo. - Really?

Kind of sounds like busy work.

In a good way. I love busy work.

It's not busy work.

It's a tedious clerical task that will monopolize your entire day.

But if you don't have time for Tribunal business,

maybe you shouldn't be on the Tribunal.

No, no, no, there's plenty of time.

I'll head straight to the Crypt of Cursed Curiosities.

See that you do. And wear gloves.

You know, because of the curses.

Oh.

Okay, I can do both things. I'll set a timer.

Ten minutes in the crypt, then ten minutes in detention.

Then crypt, then detention. Crypt, detention.

- [watch beeps] - Right.

To the crypt! Or was it detention?

- [watch beeps] - Right.

I'm walking.

Feels like we've been in here forever.

Forty-five.

These are the most uncomfortable chairs in school.

- Forty-six. - Okay, what are you doing?

Counting the number of times you complained.

Keep going, you're on a roll.

- Don't you have someone else to annoy? - Nope.

- I'm all yours. - I'm back.

To tell you that I'll be right back.

Man, I can't believe I'm wasting the whole day in here.

Milo better be scoring me some points with some cool new spells.

All right, time to do some cool new spells.

Expand-us Marshmallow-us!

Whoa, this one's got some kick.

[buzzes]

Milo's not scoring me points, he's losing me points.

- Can this day get any worse? - 47.

- I guess it can. - 48.

Milo, call me back.

Hmm, look at me, leaving a voicemail.

Maybe I am Roman.

Man, this is a nightmare.

You should be in detention when Ms. Shumway's here.

She reads us pages from her cat's diary.

No, I mean, I got Milo to do spell... chores for me,

so Roman wouldn't beat me on the spell... chore chart.

- This is about chores? - No, it's about Roman beating me.

He's been doing extra work outside of our spell...

- Chores. - Right, chores.

You know, if Roman wasn't such an overachiever,

I wouldn't be in this mess.

Wait, so you're hating on Roman 'cause he works hard?

No, because he just... just...

You know what? You don't understand anything.

I need to get home. If Milo keeps using my mop,

then I'll keep losing points on the chore board.

Really? We both know you're not talking about chores.

But if you want to get out of here without Principal Russo seeing you,

take this vent.

Make a right, then two lefts.

What?

You spend enough weekends listening to a cat's diary, you find a way out.

[exhales] One more minute and then it's back to detention

to check on the kids.

I knew I could do both things.

Moral Compass? Check. Rinaldi's Wand? Check.

Eye of Evilini? Yikes.

Trigger warning, am I right?

Ah.

Ooh.

Uh, well, it's gotta be around here somewhere.

Huh.

[grunts]

Banshee Balls. Do not open. Whew, good thing it's empty.

[Banshee Balls screaming]

Because they already got out.

[grunting]

[screams]

[grunts]

I'm okay.

And really glad no one was here to see that.

All right, I just gotta go home and get my wand from Milo.

Uh-oh.

Okay, I've got all the Banshee Balls now. Back to detention.

- [Banshee Ball screaming] - What was that?

What was that?

[Banshee Ball screaming]

[sighs]

I don't know what stinks worse, this day or me.

Ooh, it's me.

[man on video] And now you tighten up the flange.

And if we did it right, your garbage disposal should be purring

like a kitten.

[whirring]

[squeals] It worked! It's purring like a kitten!

I don't know what it is about this guy,

but I could watch him all day.

Thanks for watching.

I'm the Handsome Handyman.

Yes, you are.

[sighs] What a day. I could use a cold one.

- What do you think a cold one is? - A freeze pop.

Yep, that's what it is. Go for it.

- [sighs] - What's the matter, sweetie?

I've been trying to learn a new spell all day

so that I can prove to Dad that I don't need parental controls,

- but I can't get it right. - Well, maybe I can help.

You don't know anything about magic.

Well, I didn't know anything about fixing garbage disposals,

and check this out.

[whirring]

If a video can teach me that, it can teach you magic.

- I'll help you. - Thanks, Mom.

[garbage disposal sputtering]

Have you been throwing freeze pop sticks in the garbage disposal?

Am I not supposed to?

I'm tied with Billie.

One more new spell and I'm officially the best wizard in the house.

Oh, it's FireFetti time.

Get the celebration ready, conjure me some FireFetti.

I did it! I have more points than Billie!

[laughs] Oh, it's amazing!

It's incredible!

It's... kind of a letdown. It's no fun gloating alone.

Gotta find someone to listen to me gloat.

- [Banshee Ball screaming] - Uh-oh.

[gasps] Banshee Ball! Oh, I missed one!

- [Banshee Ball screaming] - Dang it!

- Would you get back here? - He lets a Banshee Ball loose in school

and I'm the one in trouble?

- [Banshee Ball screaming] - Oh, come on!

[panting] If I'd have known I was gonna chase a Banshee Ball,

I wouldn't have worn loafers.

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello? - Hey, Dad, it's me, The Wiz Kid.

That'll make more sense when I tell you what I've done.

- [Banshee Ball screaming] - [gasps] I can't talk right now, buddy.

- Sorry. - That's okay. You just gotta listen.

- I, Roman Laritate Russo... - Uh-huh.

Have more points than Billie...

- Uh-huh. - On the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board.

- [grunts] Finally. - Finally?

That's it? No... no great job?

- No congratulations? - Would you stop screaming?

I mean, I was excited, but I don't think I was screaming.

I really don't have time for this.

Oh, no, I get it. You're busy. I'll just...

I'll fill you in later.

[panting] Okay.

Okay, buddy, you have my full attention.

Hello?

Oh, if it's important, he'll leave a voicemail.

He's one of the few people who still does.

[grunts]

It's like Alex always says,

"Nothing good ever happens before noon on a Saturday."

If we did this spell right,

that marshmallow should be plumping up real nice.

- This guy looks just like Dad. - Really? I don't see it.

Thanks for watching.

I am the Handsome Hexman.

Yes, you are. [chuckles]

Okay, according to the video, it's all in the technique.

- Did you eat all the marshmallows? - No.

I think it goes without saying, no dessert tonight.

Now, remember what the Handsome Hexman did.

Swish, flick, flip your hair.

The hair flip's probably optional.

Expand-us Marshmallow-us.

- I did it! Thanks, Mom. - I knew you could.

I'm so proud of you.

Hey, Bubble Boy, I'm gonna need my wand back.

Billie, what are you doing here?

I came home to stop Milo from doing something dumb with magic.

Guys!

Milo's not doing anything dumb with magic.

- I'm here with him. - Guys!

The marshmallow won't stop growing!

- Milo, what did you do? - Yeah, Milo, what did you do?

Mom!

Okay, fine. I...

I was trying to help him with magic,

but clearly, something went wrong.

Don't worry. I can stop it.

- But where's my wand? - Right there on the coffee table.

Which is now inside the marshmallow.

I don't get it. Why won't this marshmallow stop growing?

Probably because I used Billie's wand and it's too powerful.

Why were you using Billie's wand?

She gave it to me so I could score her points on the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board.

You wanted to use it 'cause it doesn't have parental controls on it.

In light of recent events, I'm starting to think

those parental controls were there for a reason.

Then how am I gonna get my wand? It's inside the marshmallow.

[gasps] Milo, your wand.

But it only does baby spells.

Well, then we'll have to think of a baby spell that'll get us out of this.

Well, do it fast or this marshmallow's gonna eat us.

Too bad we don't have two giant graham crackers and some chocolate.

That's it. The s'mores spell. It doesn't get any babier than that.

S'more-us Galore-us!

- Wow, you did it! - Technically, the spell was your idea,

- and it was your wand. - So, I did it?

Yes!

33 points on the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board.

Watch your back, Billie. I'm coming for you.

Phew, that was almost bad.

- Aren't you supposed to be in detention? - [gasps] Detention!

Wait, any way you could not tell Justin I snuck out?

As long as you don't tell him I taught Milo a spell

- that almost swallowed the house. - Done.

- And you're on dish duty for five days. - Three.

- Five. - Four.

- Five. - Five, and that's my final offer.

Deal.

Yes, I'm gonna make it!

Dang it, I should have said that after I made it.

I'm not doing that again.

[sighs]

Excellent work, Mr. Russo.

I knew we picked the right wizard for the job.

Well, please tell the Tribunal that I appreciate them

trusting me with such an important task.

I will. I definitely will.

So, no need to talk to the other Tribunal members about this at all, ever.

[watch beeps]

I'm going. I'm going.

How am I supposed to sneak into detention if he beats me there?

[screaming, grunts]

[sighs]

Huh. I guess it was a left and two rights.

Mr. Thompson, why were you in the vent?

- What is he doing? - I had to go to the bathroom.

In the vent?

Okay, fine. You caught me. I was trying to sneak out.

Guess I'm really in trouble.

I think that goes without saying, but yeah, you are.

Now let's get back.

T is for "trouble", of which I am in a lot.

R is for "run for it", which is what I totally should have done.

Normally, I would be thrilled that you're using an acrostic,

but it has been a really long day.

O is for "Oh, my gosh, why aren't you running already?"

- Oh, right. - U is for...

You just got yourself another Saturday in detention.

And I know, that was the letter U and not the word you.

[mouthing]

But it was worth ruining the acrostic to nail the transition,

which I think we can both agree, I did.

Can I just go back to detention?

Never thought I'd miss a cat diary.

You just earned yourself another Saturday in detention.

I won't be there, but you will.

Now who's got jokes?

And with the Flow-ius Blow-ius spell,

your next passport photo will look like the cover

of a romance novel.

Huh.

I guess this guy does kinda look like Justin.

Wow, it is good to be home.

For the first time since I left this morning.

- Just go. - Yeah.

Hey, Justin,

have you ever thought about growing a mustache or a beard?

I don't think I could pull it off.

Oh, you could pull it off.

Billie, I have been waiting four hours, 37 minutes and 15 seconds

- to say that I... - Beat me on the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board.

Beat you on the Bibbidi Bobbidi Board.

Doesn't matter that you said it first because it still happened.

You know what? You deserve it.

You've been working really hard.

If this is a burn, I don't get it.

No, seriously.

I was hating on you 'cause you work hard and that's not fair.

Congrats, buddy.

How dare you congratulate me?

No, really. I'm proud of you.

[scoffs] You take that back!

You are totally ruining this for me!

What are you doing here?

Lord Morsus sent me to check in on you.

- Did you do as we asked? - Yeah.

Billie trusts me.

Excellent.

Now, you must use that trust to break the Russos apart.