Original subtitles

*

(Elvira) Welcome to "Cooking With Evil,"

with your host, Elvira.

And now, here I am, the eggs in your benedict.

Me, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

Thank you, thank you,

and welcome back to another episode of "CWE."

I am gonna start the show by saying that

everyone in our studio audience

will be getting a case of

E. coli bacteria!

That's right, you're getting E. coli

and you're getting E. coli.

Just reach right under your seat

and put your hand on the armrest

and you've got E. coli.

You are so welcome!

You know, it's almost the holiday season.

Which holiday and what season,

I don't know, but there's

always a holiday coming up.

(belches)

Oops, excuse me,

that was the last holiday coming up.

But this special holiday treat of terror

is bound to make you woof your cookies.

It's called "Gingerdead Man."

Now, there's an old joke that gingers have no soul.

Well, this one does.

And it's the soul of a serial killer.

Now, the casting of this movie was very difficult.

They looked through every celebrity mug shot

in Hollywood to find an actor

who was the embodiment of a jerk.

Some of the actors considered for the role

of "Gingerdead Man" were...

Mel Gibson,

Robert Downey Jr.,

Charlie Sheen, Mickey Rourke,

Nick Nolte, and Justin Bieber.

But he just didn't have the chops.

They needed an actor who could

really sink his teeth

into the part of the Gingerdead Man.

Someone like...

hmm, I don't know, Gary Busey?

Here, kitty!

And the only thing bigger than Gary Busey's ego

is his teeth.

He could chew down trees and build a dam

with that set of choppers.

Anyway, if you'd like to cook along with us at home,

the recipe for this Gingerdead Man is...

the ashes of a serial killer,

a few drops of blood,

gingerbread seasoning left at the back door

by a serial killer's mom,

and a cup of shortening,

so the movie doesn't run too long.

I believe this half-baked recipe

was written by Betty Crocker...

before she went to Betty Ford.

So, everybody get a big glass of milk

because you're gonna need it to wash down this turkey.

I mean, cookie.

It's "The Gingerdead Man."

(girl) Aah!

(cash register chiming)

This ain't right.

We gotta fight back.

Now here, look.

You bastard, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.

(groaning)

There's somebody in here.

I smell something in the air.

Smells feminine.

Yeah, and it's you, you douche!

Hey, I'm-- I'm unarmed.

Okay?

Look, hold on.

That's my dad.

Look, what do you-- what do you want with us?

We don't have anything.

Okay? Just-- just take your stuff and-- and--

and get out of here.

Shut up.

Put your gun down, please.

Shut up.

Say it again and mean it.

Put-- put your gun down, please.

You're ordering me?

Put your gun down, please.

You sound like a sissy boy.

Put your gun down, please.

Now you're sounding like my high school principal.

Put-- just put-- put your gun down, please.

I'm sorry that's your dad, but welcome to Earth, pal.

What do you think? Gun's right in front of ya.

(groaning)

(whimpering)

When are you kids gonna learn?

(girl sobbing)

Kitty?

Here, kitty.

Here, kitty.

Here, kitty.

Here, kitty, kit-- kitty, kitty.

Let me see you.

You don't have to be afraid.

The next time you go out to a place,

I want you to look for something safe.

And I'm required to do what my mother always taught me.

And that's to finish what I started.

And I'm not gonna kill you.

But I have to honor my mother.

God... Mother...

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

(police sirens blaring)

Oh, shit.

Not bad.

Story of my life.

Happy birthday, big brother.

I almost forgot.

I guess you won't be driving

to Dallas to celebrate

the big 2-1 after all, huh?

Wherever you are up there...

I hope they have strippers and...

Lone Star.

I miss you guys.

(Millard) I'll get you for this.

Even from beyond the grave

because my mama's a witch in Coonsboro.

You are finished.

(knocking on door)

Could you use the front entrance, please?

(knocking on door)

Brick?

Sure, just throw in

any old thing you find on your doorstep.

Why not throw in a newspaper?

Come on, Sarah.

It's just a delivery person.

(door opening)

Fear not, little lady.

The missing supplies finally reared

their ugly heads. Thanks, Brick.

Something else was just left at the back porch, too.

Cool. Must be that gingerbread seasoning.

But, more importantly,

I've got two tickets

for tonight's Wrestlepalooza.

They're even gonna let amateurs compete tonight.

A mosh pit of tag-team damage and body-slammage!

Mmm.

This could be my shot at the big time.

And in this corner,

straight from Hell's Kitchen,

The Butcher Baker.

Sounds like fun.

Give me some of that seasoning, will you?

I'll test it when I put it in the muffins.

Sure.

You okay, Sarah?

Yeah, sorry.

Today would've been Jeremy's birthday.

He wanted to spend it at the titty bar.

(laughing) Can you blame him?

You know, I still keep expecting him

to show up for work every day.

Your dad putting on his apron,

pounding the dough. And Jeremy...

Jeremy coming in late 'cause he overslept.

Telling Dad some dirty joke

to keep him from getting yelled at.

(laughing) Aw, heck!

Oh, don't move, Brick.

Do you want me to take you to a doctor?

(groaning)

The Butcher Baker needs no doctor.

He can always take the heat.

Come on, Brick.

Go.

I'm okay, really.

I can take you to get stitches

if you need it.

Okay.

(door opening, closing)

Oh...

(moaning)

(girl) Sarah!

What is it, Julia?

This says that Findlemeyer was executed two days ago.

That's all you wanted?

The way you were shouting, I thought it was an emergency.

(laughing) This is great news!

After two years,

that loco pendejo is finally dead.

Another soul for El Diablo.

Are you gonna finish that birthday cake?

'Cause it has to be ready by morning.

Yeah, sure, sure. It also says here that

after they fried him in the chair,

they cremated him

and sent his ashes to his mother in Coonsboro.

How sick is that?

Greetings...

Masked Mercenary.

We meet at last.

Prepare to meet your maker,

for, tonight, your ass is toast.

Your ass.

(lower register) Your ass is toast.

(distant thudding)

(whispered incantation)

The birthday cake?

Oh. Sure thing, boss.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be short with you.

Just, I need all the help, you know?

Especially with Mom.

I know. It's my bad.

I'll do better.

(gunshot)

Them bastards think they're gonna get

the better of me, do they?

(chuckling)

We'll see about that.

(cackling)

That oughtta teach ya!

What are you doing?

Oh, well, them bastards

think they can just come in here

and take over, Sarah.

And we're not gonna let 'em.

I think maybe you have had enough for one evening, Mrs. Leigh.

Oh, now you lookin' to get fired, girl.

Mom, why don't you go home and get some rest?

No, Sarah, listen to me.

Them sons-a-bitches think

they can just move in here and take over.

And they-- they wanna run us out of business.

And-- and they-- they can do it, too.

Because what chance have we got up against

some big ol' statewide chain?

I mean, just look at us.

No one's gonna run you out, okay?

Listen to me, Mom.

You and Dad built this place from the ground on up,

and there's no way I'm gonna let anyone

take that away from you.

You promise?

I promise.

Come on, now.

Julia'll give you a ride home.

Okey-dokey. You'd better get on home to bed.

Come on, Mrs. Leigh. Let's go.

All right, well, I'm just gonna take a little nap, and--

and then I'll come back over and help you.

'Kay? Okay.

Let's go.

(heartbeat thumping)

(whispered incantation)

(car horn honking)

What in the hell did you do to my banner?

Oh, I didn't--

Now, you just-- you listen here, girl.

I thought we were gonna handle this like adults.

Like business people.

Now, there is no call

for wanton destructiveness and vandalism.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'll pay for the banner.

You're damn straight.

Is there anything else you wanted, Jimmy?

If not, I gotta get back to work.

Well, now, that's what I like about you.

Right down to brass tacks.

Just like your mama.

Except without all the... (whistling)

drinkin', of course.

Here's the deal.

A year from now, my place, it's gonna be up and runnin'.

The finest eatery in four counties.

Now, I can't have my customers lookin'

across the street at this...

run-down pie shop.

Let's take care of this. Quick and clean.

No lawyers, no middle-men, no bullshit.

You and your mama, you take that money, you have a nice life.

So you can tear down our place?

Well, that's progress, honey.

Out with the old, in with the new.

$50,000 goes a long way at Walmart, Sarah.

Oh, you remember my daughter Lorna, don't you?

Yeah, she's hard to forget.

(chuckling)

Did I tell you she was just named

"Miss Prettyface" of Waco?

That's only the 10th time you've reminded me.

You know, with my help,

Lorna's gonna make something of herself,

be a big star.

I can help finance her modeling career

because I worked hard my whole life,

busting my hump so that I could provide for her.

Now you think about my offer, you hear?

$50,000.

That'd make it so you and your drunk mama

don't have to bust your humps.

Why don't you hold your breath?

(door opening, closing)

You overheard?

I hate that guy.

Me too. (sniffling)

Especially when he's right.

Whoa.

Hold up, you're not telling me

you're gonna let that loser bully you into selling.

He's a jerk.

But he makes sense.

Ever since Dad and Jeremy died,

everything's gone to hell.

I mean...

look at this place.

So, we'll fix it.

We'll paint it.

It will be good as new.

It's not just the building that needs fixing.

Sales are down.

And Mom's drinking.

It'll get better.

I don't know.

Have you ever been at that point in your life

where everything seems so messed up

that you don't even know where to start to fix it?

Every morning...

when I wake up,

I dream about packin' what little I have

and just...

disappearin' somewhere, you know?

Just going and starting over.

You've just had a couple bad years is all.

You get knocked to the mat,

you have to get back up again.

If only I hadn't been so scared.

If only I had grabbed his...

everything would be okay.

Hey, I took that bread out of the oven.

Got that gingerbread dough mixing.

You're my hero.

Does that mean I have a date for Wrestleapalooza?

Right.

I knew that.

Why don't you take off early?

The cookies, they-- they--

I'll finish them.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Didn't you just tell me to get up off the mat?

(growling)

Right you are, boss.

See you bright and early.

(oven powering up)

(electrical arcing)

Oh, good.

Julia?

(heartbeat thumping)

(whispered incantation)

What're you doing in here?

Should've figured you'd still be here on a Friday night.

Oh, you little bitch. You're not going anywhere.

How dare you bring that rat in here.

That $50,000 is too much for you.

Told Daddy you'd never take it anyways.

So you thought you'd get me shut down

by the Health Department instead?

Aah!

Ah! Ah!

(heartbeat thumping)

(whispered incantation)

We tried to be fair!

Trash like you...

you're always complaining.

Aah! Aah!

Ooh! Careful, she's got a bun in the oven!

Oh, my face!

Don't you ever touch my face!

(both screaming)

(electrical arcing)

(whispered incantation)

(chuckling)

Amos, are you in on this?

Am I in on what?

Lorna, I've been waitin' in that car forever for you.

You said you was just gonna leave a note.

A note? Yeah, right.

How many notes eat cheese and live in a sewer?

Oh... come on, Amos. Let's get out of here.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

What the hell went on in here?

(flames roaring) Shit!

Yet another reason to board up this dump.

(chuckling)

Aah!

There's-- there's something in there!

There's something alive in there.

Maybe it's the rat.

Lorna, don't you think you made your point?

No, I'm serious, don't open it!

You've been using too much bleach in your hair.

Jesus! What the hell you been baking?

(cackling)

Oh, shit, shit.

Well, whatever it is, I think you overcooked it.

(voice) On the contrary...

I baked up just fine.

(chuckling)

What the hell is that?

Well, it sure ain't the Pillsbury fucking Doughboy!

Yah!

(chuckling)

That thing's voice...

something about it...

All right.

Come on.

(Lorna) What in the hell was that thing?

I don't know.

Well, it looked like a...

gingerbread man.

That's what I was baking.

What are you getting at?

Well, that's what was supposed to be on that

burnt pan I pulled out of the oven.

A big gingerbread man.

Wait, wait.

Are you telling me that that thing

is a cookie you were baking?

That's crazy.

Crazy!

Okay, do you have a magic oven?

This shit ain't funny, Amos.

All right, look, I'll admit,

okay, when this shit first happened,

I was a little spooked.

For, like, a second.

But it's a gag.

It's gotta be. I bet you anything,

anything, that it's that geek who works for you

who's all into the wrestling.

Who, Brick?

Yeah, him.

It's a big joke. A big funny ha-ha.

You guys saw that thing, right?

It had to be fake.

No, but it was walkin'

and it was talkin' out there.

It was alive.

Okay, this ain't no gag.

It's black magic.

Oh, my God.

No, really.

Look, it's like... a couple years ago,

when me and some of my friends

took out this Ouija board, okay?

And we started puttin' our fingers on it,

and it-- on this pointy, plastic thingy,

and it was moving around

and it was spelling out things for us.

It was this message from this dead girl named Rosalind.

And she told us

that some psycho had killed her

and cut her up into pieces

and then wrapped her in tinfoil

and then mailed it off

all across the country to her relatives.

It spelled all that out for you?

Lorna.

That's longer than any book you ever read

in your entire life.

Look, I am serious.

Okay, a couple weeks after that,

I saw in the news how the cops arrested some guy

for cutting up girls' body parts

and mailing 'em off.

Talk about going postal.

Look, this black magic shit is for real.

And that thing out there is bad news

and I don't wanna have any part of it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait, wait.

Why do you guys wanna leave so bad?

Maybe she's right, Amos.

Maybe we should take off.

Goddamn right I'm right.

That thing, whatever it is,

its voice-- I got a real bad feeling.

If it's somebody playin' a prank,

which I think it is,

I'll clobber 'em.

If that thing is real, I say we grab that motherfucker

and we take it in to Leno, Letterman.

How much dough can you make from a talkin' cookie?

Huh. Dough. Cookie.

Get it? Ha ha.

All right, look, whatever it is,

don't worry about it.

I'll take care of you.

Let's go.

(chewing, belching)

Think we got him?

I don't know. Let's find out.

Uh, guys...

Little shit took off.

Good fucking riddance! I'm calling the police.

Now hold on.

Guess what. It's dead.

Unbelievable! Here.

(beeping)

Daddy? Look, you have got to come and get me.

I am at Betty's Bakery and we got homicidal

baked goods after us.

You heard me.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Goddamnit!

(sighing)

Must've forgot to charge it.

You dumb shit.

Why didn't you call the cops instead of your daddy?

Shut your piehole.

My Lord!

What the hell's happenin' here?

This ain't right.

(clanging) (gasping)

(squeaking)

I've played this before.

I know it's them bastards.

(Elvira sighing)

I'm gonna get my gun.

(belching)

(cackling)

Sarah?

Hello? (clanging)

Who's in here?

(clanging)

Who did this?

Hello?

Can't be that maniac.

He's long since dead and buried.

Just get a hold of yourself now.

It can't be him.

Uh-uh, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

You sure about that?

Hey, it's a talking turd with a bowtie!

That's the end of that.

Oh, yeah. (chuckling)

Oh, yeah.

I'm real, all right.

(cackling)

Whoa, he looks like Gumby on crack.

(humming)

Mm-hmm.

(chuckling)

I don't wanna say this movie is "crummy," but...

Ever try a lady finger?

(gasping) Yeah-hah!

(cackling)

Aah!

Aah!

What was that?

Maybe it was your little friend.

What do you mean by that?

You know what I mean.

Lorna, shut up.

Siding with the enemy, Amos?

She ain't the enemy.

(Lorna) Really?

Well, maybe you didn't hear what happened back there,

but that little bastard recognized her from somewhere.

Am I right?

Look, I'm gonna go to the car

and I'm gonna get your phone,

that is, if you charged it.

That thing might be out there somewhere.

Fuck him.

He can't help being rude.

He was baked "fresh."

Maybe you really should stop drinking, you lush.

What are you?

Not "what," honey.

"Who."

Don't you recognize my pretty voice?

Millard.

(door opening)

Huh?

(Betty) Oh... oh...

Betty! Oh-- (gasping)

Betty, what are you doing

sneaking out the back door without me knowing?

Sarah told me to keep an eye on you.

I can't let her down.

Oh, Mrs. Leigh, I had a feeling

you'd sneak back here looking for your stash.

What happened?

There was this man...

a gingerbread man.

Mrs. Leigh...

a gingerbread man?

Look, I'll get you home, okay? We gotta go.

Come on, let's go. No!

Julia... Julia... Come on.

he's got a knife.

Right... Look out!

That's gonna leave a mark.

(chuckling)

So, how long you and Amos been together?

Me and Amos?

Get real, girl.

He's nothing but a little bit of stupid fun is all.

Hmm.

You acted like it was more than that.

'Cause he was flirting with you.

See, when he's with me,

I don't want him making googly-eyes

at nobody but me.

Even though he's not with me.

Got it?

I see.

What about what he wants?

Oh, honey...

you got a lot to learn.

(bell ringing)

Well, guess what, Miss Prettyface?

Shit!

Shit.

You already said that.

Maybe it's a storm. We've got power problems

when the weather kicks up.

Or maybe it's that fucking Keebler Elf.

You got a generator?

In the back.

Oh, yeah, that'd be real smart.

Why don't we just take off?

Well... he could get us outside.

No, no, let's get the lights on.

I wanna see this fucker when I blast him to crumbs.

Lorna Dean, what the hell did ya bring me out here for?

Well, now, that makes sense.

That tattooed punk got you up to no good again, I'll bet.

Hmm.

So what, the generator's right through here?

Yeah.

I wish you'd put that gun away.

But we might need it.

I know.

But if you could just...

after Dad and Jeremy...

I think...

Is that better?

Yeah. Thanks.

Just makes me nervous looking at those things.

It's stupid, I know.

No, no, no, it's not stupid, I'm... sorry.

I wasn't thinking--

No, don't worry, it's my problem, not yours.

Listen, I'm...

I'm not very good at those kind of things.

Reading people's emotions.

Hell, why do you think I'm with Lorna?

The girl's got like no emotion.

She's about as cold as a mud creek catfish.

(chuckling)

Now, I think she goes out with me

'cause she thinks it improves her image, you know?

Makes her look tough.

Miss Prettyface of Waco bossing around the town delinquent.

I never thought of you as a delinquent.

Get out of here.

Well, I mean, I probably spend more time in county lockup

than you spend baking pies.

Don't try to make yourself seem like

a bigger badass than you really are.

Excuse me?

You don't remember, do you?

Remember what?

Coming to my birthday party?

What?

I wouldn't be surprised, we were... six.

When you were living with your mom at the end of Hopper Street.

I went to your birthday party?

Yeah, you tried to kiss me near the punch bowl.

Get out of here.

I gave you a bloody nose.

Oh, my God. You're right.

I remember that. (chuckling)

Yeah, so you're not as tough

as you like to think you are.

Maybe I get turned on when girls hit me.

Ever think about that?

Oh, so that's why you stick around with Lorna.

Ah, hell, I stick around with Lorna 'cause she pays

for the beer and pizza.

Come on, let's fix this generator.

All right.

Lorna, if you and that worthless greaseball

are causing trouble, I will hide you both.

Where are you, Lorna?

Come on out, darling!

(menacing laugh)

Amos! (car starting)

(engine revving)

(grunting)

(laughing)

What the fuck are you doing?

(menacing laugh)

(laughing)

Hold it, hold it!

Hold on, now, hold on! Oh, no!

Who are you? (screaming)

You see? Gluten will kill you.

(generator sputtering)

Shit.

You all right?

Yeah.

Look, uh, I'm real sorry about what's going on with your place.

I had no idea Lorna was being so shitty with you.

Lord knows her daddy ain't no picnic either.

Thanks.

Doesn't really matter.

They win any way.

I wonder if this thing has any gas.

What do you mean, they win?

I have to sit down my mom

and tell her we gotta close.

I mean...

too many bad things have been happening... and this...

What's that, the Killsbury Doughboy?

(sniffling)

He's just the last straw.

Listen, can't go pulling stakes

just 'cause Lorna and Jimmy Dean are putting up a stink.

Yeah.

That's easy for you to say.

Can't let them scare you.

Yeah.

And there's nothing really keeping us here no more.

Nothing that comes to mind, anyway.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Why don't we got no lights?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Can't you do anything right?

Lorna, I already told you once.

Leave him alone.

Oh, so that's how it is, huh?

Why do you always need to be so bitchy with everybody?

So now I'm a bitch, huh?

Yeah, you've always been a bitch.

You guys, you guys!

Look at that.

Should we? We better.

Oh, you're not actually gonna open that?

Somebody might be hurt in there.

Oh, you two morons belong together.

Screw this shit.

I'm going outside and wait for Daddy.

(footsteps fading)

We've got to get her out of the cooler.

(moaning)

(moaning)

Is she gonna be okay?

She's got a knock on her head but... she's still breathing.

(moaning)

What is that fucker anyway?

I think I know what...

I mean, who it is.

Daddy?

Daddy.

God, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Daddy.

No.

Daddy. You can't go, Daddy.

Daddy?

Daddy, no.

You mean the world to me, Daddy.

I'll miss you, Daddy.

Now wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that that--

I know it sounds crazy.

And I don't know how it happened.

But it's the only thing that makes sense,

even if it is "Twilight Zone" kind of sense.

The guy that... killed Jeremy and your daddy?

Mm-hmm.

That you helped send to the electric chair?

Yeah.

Millard Findlemeyer...

has come back from the dead

to get revenge on you?

Inside a cookie?

Well, makes sense to me, but I've had a lobotomy.

I'm glad I cleaned that stuff off.

She should warm up quicker

and there won't be any hypothermia.

That bump on her head don't look so good.

Yeah.

I don't think she got a concussion, she's just--

she's just in shock right now.

But I think it's wearing off.

How the hell you know all that?

Educated guess.

I don't know, I've been taking some night classes

at the community college.

You know, just in case I don't end up baking pies

for the rest of my life.

Yeah?

What kind of classes?

Nursing.

Silly, huh?

No, no, it ain't silly at all.

But, why nursing?

I don't know, I guess...

I've always liked helping people.

Okay, but... why nursing?

I mean, why not a doctor?

Hell, be a surgeon.

A smart pretty girl like you can be whatever she wants.

Sorry.

I don't know why I just did that.

Sure beats a punch in the nose.

(laughing)

How 'bout a facial?

(screaming)

(laughing)

(screaming)

Oh, my God!

My-- my face...

Where is he? My face.

Where is he? Where is he?!

No! Don't go out there.

He just killed Daddy out there.

What? My-- my face.

Come on, come on. Look at my face!

Come on.

Hey, rat. Rat!

I'm talking to you.

You want a piece of me?

(squeaking)

Hey, you little shit.

Fuck off!

Come over here. I'ma-- I'ma kick your ass.

I'll kick your little rat ass.

Oh, my God! Look at me.

You'll be okay.

Okay? You call this okay?

I am Miss Prettyface of Waco.

I was Miss Prettyface of Waco.

Now I'm nothing but a freak.

Lorna, it don't look that bad.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

You're ugly.

Look, get out of my way.

What the hell happened to her?

Is she dead?

No, she's all right.

Nothing's all right around here.

Okay, we have got to get out of here.

But he could get us out there too like he did your dad.

Listen, nobody's leaving.

We're sticking together, okay?

You guys can stay if you want to,

but that poppin' fresh fucker's already gotten a hold

of my face, and I'll be damned

if he gets anything else.

(Sarah) Wait, Lorna!

(screaming) (menacing laugh)

Luckily that knife

didn't hit any of her vital organs.

Holy shit!

(crying)

That fucker booby trapped all the exits.

Okay, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.

Come on, hey, we gotta be brave.

Come on, let's do this. Okay.

Come on.

Hey, Millard!

Why did you kill her, huh?

Why did you kill Jeremy?

(laughing)

It's me you're after.

Why don't you come and get me?

(clanging) Look out!

(laughing)

What the hell?

Let's go! (laughing)

Come on!

(Millard) Don't spoil all my fun, girl.

Sarah, Sarah, I think he's over there.

We can go out the back. And then where?

Besides, I can't just leave Julia.

Shit, you're right.

I can hear you.

Yeah, yeah?

Then show yourself, you little half-baked fucker.

I swear to God I won't miss twice.

Come on! Wait! Hang on, hang on.

He's just trying to goad you.

Yeah, well, it's working.

He just wants you to follow.

He probably has a booby trap somewhere.

Her old man and brother were stupid back at that diner.

They tried to stop me.

But she didn't 'cause she was afraid.

Just like now.

(laughing)

Don't listen to him, Sarah,

he's just trying to get your goat.

(growling)

You can't stay scared forever, Sarah.

Mm-hmm.

(laughing)

Where did he go?

Oh, my God! (whimpering)

Mom's wedding ring.

Where is she?

What did you do to my mom?

Sarah, Sarah, looks like it's set up to point at something.

(crying)

The oven!

(Millard) I said you were a smart cookie.

He turned it on. Mom! Mom!

Mom! (screaming)

Sarah, hey!

No! No!

(Millard cackling)

No!

(panting)

Oh, Mom!

Mom!

Amos, help me!

Mom!

Mrs. Leigh.

(Millard) Yah!

(chuckling)

Nothing says loving like food.

No! Amos!

Say good night, cream puff.

(Sarah screaming)

(banging on door)

(humming)

Now you know what it feels like to fry, bitch.

(coughing)

Oh, yes, burn, you bitch.

(laughing) Hmm?

Oh, fudge.

(gunshots, metal clanking)

(gun dropping)

(coughing)

(panting)

Oh.

Amos. (grunting)

Amos.

Amos?

Hang on. Hang on, hang on.

Aw, ain't that sweet? Mm-hmm.

I see a sappy love story brewing.

Looking for this?

Baby, it's all over but the crying.

Brick!

What the fuck!

Whoa.

I was driving by after Wrestlepalooza.

Saw you guys through the windows.

Brick, you've got to get out of here.

Don't worry. I can handle this.

Now it's time to meet your maker.

Prepare to face the Butcher Baker,

for tonight your ass is toast.

You gotta be shitting me.

Let's finish this. (laughing)

Oops.

(bullets ricocheting)

(laughing)

Guns don't kill people, cookies kill people.

(laughing)

(gunfire continuing)

(Julia) Be glad to!

(grunting) Oh!

(grunting, struggling)

You whore!

Eat me, you punk bitch.

Butcher Baker's no one's bitch!

(crunching) Ah, you fucker!

Ow, ow! Don't-- ow, ow!

No, not by eating!

No, oh, no! No, you can't eat me.

No! No-- aah!

Damn it, punk bitch!

(muffled talking)

(muffled talking)

(belching)

Got milk?

(Millard) Save room for dessert

'cause I'm coming back for you.

(whispering)

So now we know who's mas macho, huh?

(exhaling)

Butcher Baker. Baker.

(laughing)

Yeah, Butcher Baker.

(clicking tongue) All right.

(Betty moaning)

Oh, oh.

(Betty) Oh.

(gasping) Ah.

Oh.

How's she doing?

Oh, Sarah.

What happened?

I'll tell you later, Mom. Get some rest.

Shh.

Oh, there was this horrible little man.

I know.

He cut off my finger. Oh!

Julia, could you help me get her outside

for some fresh air? Oh, it hurts.

You got her? Yeah.

(water running)

It's not over yet, girl.

Not by a long shot.

(Betty whimpering)

Oh, my God.

Don't look, Mom.

Don't look. It's gonna be okay.

Get you to the hospital, okay?

Why don't you stay here with Mom?

I'm gonna go get Brick.

It's okay. Shh, shh, shh.

It's all right. It's gonna be okay.

Brick?

Brick!

Brick?

Brick.

(gasping)

Oh, you scared the hell out of me.

I've been looking all over for you, come on.

Getting ready to leave.

Get your leg looked at.

You okay?

I've never been better, toots.

Millard?

How sweet.

She remembers.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Ah! Brick... Brick...

Nope, not Brick anymore.

It's only Millard now.

Time for us to finish our business.

No, Brick, please.

I told you he's through.

Butcher Baker's been counted out for the last time.

Now give me some sugar, baby.

(whimpering) (growling)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(gasping) Sarah!

No, no, no, no. Wait here, Betty.

He's gonna check.

Now it's time to do like my mama always taught me.

Not today, cookie-ass!

Who do you think could kick

your butt from here to tomorrow, boy?

The Candy Man can.

Amos! Don't worry, baby.

Except that-- hey, little Findler fucker!

Did mama ever teach you about this?

(gunshots)

Lookie there.

Just like magic.

You couldn't stop me back at the diner

when I took care of your old man

and your pussy brother.

And you ain't gonna stop me now.

I was scared of you back at the diner.

But I'm through with being scared of you, Millard.

(screaming) (all screaming)

(Sarah) Go back to hell where you belong!

(Millard screaming)

(banging on door)

(sniffling)

Poor Brick.

Hey, it wasn't him no more.

It was Findlemeyer.

We didn't have a choice.

Thanks for all your help today.

No, thank you, and the hospital thanks you.

(Man) Hey, Betty, how are you?

That's Betty Leigh?

She looks so much better.

Oh, hi, Simon. Hi, Kalik.

Hi, do you have any gingerbread cookies?

Not if you're lucky, I don't.

Actually, an older lady stopped by

just a few minutes ago

and dropped off some of these cute little rascals.

Couldn't you just die?

*

* I can't help it

* The hour draws nearer

* I can't help it

* The meaning is clearer

* I can't help it

* The thirst, it grows stronger *

* I can't help it

* I can't wait any longer

* I can't help it

* I'm starting to change now

* I can't help it

* I can feel the pain now

* I can't help it

* No thoughts of tomorrow

* I can't help it

* No emotion, no sorrow

* The blackness in my mind

* A nightmare for mankind

* The evil that men do

* A gift from me to you

* No fear is left to me

* But love has set me free

* Anointed by the dead

* My thoughts now turn to rage

* I can't help it

* The hour draws nearer

* I can't help it

* The meaning is clearer

* I can't help it

* The thirst it grows stronger... *

Well, guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I don't wanna say that this movie

is a cookie cutter rip-off of the "Chucky" movies,

but I just can't help it.

At least, Chucky was cute.

The Gingerdead Man looks like "up Chucky."

And don't you just love to hate Gary Busey?

I do.

What can you say about a ham playing a cookie?

I mean, Gary ought to lay off the baked goods

because he looks like he not only

played Buddy Holly in the biopic, he ate him.

If Buddy Holly would've known Gary Busey was gonna play him

in his life's movie, he would've crashed the plane himself.

(timer bell dinging)

Oh, goodie, it's my Gingerdead Man.

Ooh.

Mmm.

Hi, Gingerdead Man, how are you today?

My back is burning.

Oh, let me get you off of that hot cookie sheet.

Oh, oh, you're tearing the skin off my back!

Oops, sorry.

You look just a little dry so, uh,

let me moisten you in a nice, hot latte.

Hot latte?

Oh, no!

There we go.

My, my legs! I can't feel my legs!

Oh, well, can you still feel your hands?

I-- I think so.

Does it hurt when I do this?

No! I mean, yes, oh...

Oh, you're a little soggy from that latte bath.

Let me dry you off.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, no, not with butane!

Oh!

Oh, just relax.

I do this with crème brûlée all the time.

Oh, no!

Oh!

Ah, just how I like my Gingerdead Men--

hot and black.

Well, that's our show.

I'll be serving up more schlock next time.

So until then, you know what I always say.

Oh, oh, oh, no! Oh.

Unpleasant dreams.

* I can't wait any longer

* I can't help it

* I'm starting to change now

* I can't help it

* I can feel the pain now

* I can't help it

* No thoughts of tomorrow

* I can't help it

* No emotion, no sorrow

* I-- I can't help it

* I can't help it

* Can't help it

* Oh, I can't

* I can't help

* I can't help it

* I can't help it

* Ooh, I can't

* Mm, yeah

* I can't help it

* Oh

* Oh, I can't

* I can't help it

* The hour draws nearer

* I can't help it

* The meaning is clearer

* I can't help it

* The thirst, it grows stronger *

* I can't help it

* I can't wait any longer

* I can't help it

* I'm starting to change now

* I can't help it

* I can feel the pain now

* I can't help it

* No thoughts of tomorrow

* I can't help it

* No emotion no sorrow