Original subtitles

**

Hello, darlings.

Yep, it's little ol' me, your favorite couch tomato,

Elvira, mistress of the dark.

Are you happy to see me back?

Yeah, I know you're happy to see my front.

Well, I'm happy to see you little dickens,

and especially you big dickens.

I just love playing to a crowd of people

sitting at home alone in their underwear.

Oh, by the way, our underwear model contest is still on,

so send us your selfies in your unmentionables

and you could be featured on our next show.

Or be sent to prison.

Anyway, I am pumped up and ready to blow you...

(clears throat) ...away

with today-- or tonight's thriller,

depending on when you're watching.

God, I hope somebody is watching.

(sighs) I mean, I spent nearly eight hours in makeup

and had a bath in hot wax,

so I don't have to ever see stubble on my legs again.

Tonight's film is called "Hobgoblins."

So I don't know exactly where Hobgoblin is,

but I think it's somewhere near Hogwarts.

But, to be sure, I decided to look it up

in my "dicktionary".

Let's see, what do it say here?

Ah, hermaphrodite... heretic...

Hobgoblins, there it is.

Uh, "a rip-off of the movie 'Gremlins'."

Hmm. Personally, I feel it's perfectly okay

to rip-off anything that makes money:

designer handbags, watches, movies, banks, whatever.

So, if you liked "Gremlins,"

maybe you'll like "Hobgoblins."

I don't know, you know, I can't read your mind.

Whoa! Wait a second.

I can read your mind.

You're thinking, "Why don't the (bleep) just shut up

"and show the damn movie already

and let me decide if I want to watch it or not?"

Whoa. Okay, that's a good thought,

and it saves me the trouble of having to read

the rest of the crap that's written on the prompter.

So... "Hobgoblins."

(crickets chirping)

(howling in distance)

(rock music, on headphones)

(humming)

Dennis. Dennis!

(music stops)

Hey, what gives?

You're being paid to work around here,

not to sit around and blast your eardrums.

Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.

I can do both. (telephone ringing)

(dial tone) Hello?

Hello?

Didn't you hear the phone ringing?

Uh, no, I didn't.

They've already hung up.

Well, then, it couldn't have been too important, huh?

Don't you have any sense of responsibility?

That could have been a very important call.

At this hour?

In the future would you just answer the phone,

no matter what hour it is,

and not make your own decisions

about what's important and what isn't?

Yeah, yeah, right, right.

It's time for our rounds.

** (ominous score)

(latch clicks)

Did-- Did I ever tell you

what this studio was like when I first started here?

Yeah, more than once.

Oh, it used to be one of the busiest lots in town.

(chuckling)

It's a real thriving metropolis now.

Hey, well, wait a minute, what's this down here?

Oh, it's, uh,

it's just an old film vault.

There's nothing down there.

Well, yeah, but why don't we check it anyway?

I'm telling you there's nothing down there,

and I'm not going to waste my time checking it out.

(man on radio) McCreedy.

What is it now?

I need you to come here now.

Well, I can't right now.

Now... (static)

Finish the rounds.

And remember what I said.

Hey, whatever you say, Pops.

** (rock music in earphones)

** (ominous score)

What took you so long?

I made it as quickly as I could.

I was clear across the lot.

You're not as young as you used to be.

I tried calling you at the main gate before.

Why didn't you answer the phone?

I-- I must have caught it just as you hung up.

Well, let's be a little more efficient from now on.

How's the new boy doing?

Oh, fine, fine.

But I-- I really need to get back.

Uh, just a minute.

I want to talk to you about these beer cans

I found in the front gate.

So there's nothing down here.

I wonder what they keep in here.

Yoo hoo! Mr. McCreedy.

(creaking)

(snarling)

(growling, snarling)

Is somebody there?

(snarling, growling)

Is somebody there?

(static)

(static cutting out)

I'll give you a report in the morning.

(feedback squeal)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "America Has No Talent."

(crowd murmurs, cheers)

** (rock music playing)

Aaah!

** (ominous score)

(creaking)

(snarling)

**

Another one quit?

What was the problem this time?

I'm not sure what the problem was, sir.

It wasn't something you said to him, was it?

It could have been.

I'm holding you responsible for this, McCreedy.

Every time we hire a new guard

he only lasts for a couple of weeks,

then he's gone.

How many is it now, three, four?

It's three, and I really don't think

you need to hire anyone else.

I can run the post myself.

Look, you've been here for a long time.

You know as well as I do

that we need to have a second guard ready

so he can fill in for you if you can't

make it here some night.

But I've never missed a night since I've been here.

You're not as young as you used to be.

We need to be prepared.

Do you know that if something were to happen to this studio

while no one was on duty, our insurance is voided?

This place has been deserted for almost 30 years.

Stop making excuses.

I want you to hire a new guard,

and this time hire one who will

stick around for a while.

Or else I'll hire two.

So, Kevin, is this the first time

that you've worked as a security guard?

Yes, sir.

But I'm a very fast learner,

and I promise to try extra hard.

And I really need the job.

(chuckles) Well, you sound very mature for your age.

Uh, you don't own one of those

portable radios with headphones, do you?

No, sir.

That's good.

I think we'll get along just fine.

Now, are you ready for your first tour of the lot?

Oh-- Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, even prepared to take notes.

(chuckling)

It's not that complicated.

You've never been on a studio lot

like this before, have you?

No, sir.

Well, it's not that difficult to keep track of.

Uh, there isn't much goes on here anymore.

How long have you been working here?

Oh, quite a while.

About 30 years, actually,

and I've never missed a day

and had to have someone fill in for me.

30 years. That's amazing.

Well, not really.

You know, time becomes sort of a blur

when you reach a certain age.

Sometime I'll tell you what this place was like

when it was still a functioning studio.

I'd like to hear about that.

** (ominous)

Now, Kevin, if I told you

that something was very important,

you'd listen to me, wouldn't you?

Of course. Oh, good.

Now, there is a part of this lot

that I want you to stay away from.

I don't want to have to explain

all the details to you.

I just want you to promise to stay clear from it.

I understand. Ah, good.

Now, this is the part I was telling you about.

What's down there?

Oh, it's just a lot of dangerous machinery.

Now, don't go in there and take a chance

of injuring yourself, do you understand?

Yeah. Good.

Now, I don't want to have to remind you a second time.

Just stay clear of this area.

So is there anything else I need to be made aware of?

There is one other thing.

This is what I was telling you about.

Oh, but don't worry,

I-- I've never had to use it.

Really? That's right.

Not in all the years I've been here.

But I would like to show you

how to use it sometime, though.

You never know when you might need it.

Hi.

Not now.

Your friends are here.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Madonna called, she wants her clothes back.

Ah, what'd you bring, some new music?

No, I just rented a videotape

that Amy and I were gonna watch.

Oh, that was very nice.

Let me see what you got.

What?

Don't you ever get any tapes

from the adult section?

My boyfriend would never bring me a tape

that didn't have at least a single X rating.

Well, Kevin isn't like that.

He would never want me to see anything

that was rated X.

Would you?

No, I wouldn't.

(honking)

All right, man.

I'd recognize that horn anywhere.

That's my Nick, back from

two months of Army training,

and you know what a man wants

when he's been away for two months.

No. What does he want?

Whoo!

Two months!

Oh!

* Whoa, everybody have sex tonight *

(gasps, laughing)

Wish that were us getting some.

Did you say something?

No, no.

I want to hear about everything you did in basic training.

Well, we had to get up every morning about 4:00 AM.

Sounds like loads of fun.

Then there was calisthenics

and a daily run of six miles.

Oh, I bet you got really sweaty.

(Nick) Oh, you know I did.

After that, firing range.

(mimics machine gun)

Tear gas training.

Then there was infiltration course.

Big deal, I have access to a gun where I work.

Yeah, well, it's a big difference

between having something

and knowing how to use it.

Uh, would it be okay if I used your phone?

Yeah, sure.

Who you gonna call?

Uh, my girlfriend.

Hey, are we ever gonna get a chance

to meet this girl?

Uh, I don't think so.

She's kind of shy.

What else did you do with the gun?

Well, I haven't actually had a chance to fire it yet,

but-- I was talking to Nick.

Then we had target practice.

But I never had an actual chance to shoot anyone.

Yet.

Shooting someone, is that really important to you?

Well, yeah!

**

(ringing)

(in sultry voice) Hi, it's me, Fantasia.

Thanks for calling.

I'm going to see a movie today.

It's only rated PG.

I want you to show up and make it rated X.

Sneak in the rear door, and when the lights go down,

drop your pants and show me a full moon.

Wave that lunar eclipse

and block the projection beam.

Next, pull me down and roll me

on those sticky floors.

Lick that artificial butter flavor

(ringing) off my body.

Hold, please.

Then, take my clothes and leave me naked,

so when the lights come up,

I'll be the second feature.

You sure that's not long distance?

No, it's not. That's good.

Because I have to keep calling the phone company every month

because of all these sex line calls

being billed to my number. Really?

That's too bad.

Thanks for calling.

A new adventure awaits you tomorrow.

(dial tone)

(Nick) Oh, yeah, and then we spent all afternoon

studying hand-to-hand combat.

I know about the techniques you have with your hands.

Tell us about something else.

Yeah, could we change the subject already?

Why don't you pay attention and maybe you'll learn something?

Nick is protecting our country

and you're just guarding some rundown deserted dump.

What did you say?

Why don't you be nice to Nick

and maybe he'll teach you something.

Yeah, I could teach you all about hand-to-hand combat

with no problems. Yeah.

(Kevin) I don't want to.

Go on, I know you can do it.

Look, I said I wasn't interested, okay?

Come on!

You're gonna love this.

I don't want to do this.

Here, take this.

Okay, no, no, hold it like this.

Okay, now block every move that I make.

I'm gonna take it really slow on you.

So watch out-- 'cause here comes the first one!

Go, Nick, kick his butt!

Oh, he's getting so sweaty already.

Wow, this movie really "raked" it in

with all the "hoes".

Yeah, go for it!

Whoa, careful! He used to be a majorette.

Uh, nothing too Freudian about two grown men

playing with their sticks.

(grunting)

(grunting)

You give up?

Yes!

My hero!

You really humiliated me.

What?

I didn't even want to do this.

It was your idea.

I don't care whose idea it was,

I wanted you to win.

How was I supposed to win, Amy?

I've never even done this before.

It was an unfair match.

You looked really pathetic.

What do you want me to do for you?

I want you to make me proud.

(chuckling) Give it back!

Come and get it!

Whoa, that was fast.

(crickets chirping)

What's the matter, Kevin?

It's really a long story.

I've got all the time in the world.

Oh, God! Are those crickets loud enough?

What do you do about someone

who you can never make happy?

Is this your girlfriend we're talking about?

I don't know what to tell you.

What sticks as the problem?

Well, we've got this friend who's in the Army.

And my girlfriend's upset

because I couldn't do all the things that he can.

I see.

Did I ever tell you what I did

when I was in the Army?

No.

Oh. It's also a long story.

(beeping)

Uh-oh.

Looks like we've got company.

Hey. Wait here.

I'll call you if I need you.

But Mr. McCreedy--

I said wait.

** (ominous)

(gasps) Shut up.

Get away from him.

Who's this, your grandson?

No, he's my partner.

I said...

(clicking) ...get away from him.

Who are you kidding?

You don't know how to use that.

(coughing)

Are you okay?

Do you want me to call an ambulance?

No, no, I'm-- I'm fine.

Damn! What's the matter?

I just wish Amy could have been here

to see what I just did. (groans)

(clattering)

He's still on the lot.

What do we do now?

Well, I'm going to call the police.

Try to locate where he is

but keep a distance from him.

Don't try to be a hero. Okay.

(panting, wheezing)

(rotary dial whirring)

(line ringing)

** (ominous)

Mr. McCreedy?

I'm going down that hallway,

where all the machinery is.

I think he went down there.

I'm going in for a closer look.

Oh, God. The vault.

Kevin!

Stop whatever you're doing.

Don't go near the vault, no matter what you do.

Don't go near the vault.

Amy...

I'm gonna make you proud.

Why doesn't somebody just put a lock on the gate?

(creaking)

(snarling)

(growling, snarling)

Ah, we're too late.

Kevin, why did you come in here?

Why-- Why didn't you listen to me?

Duh, 'cause he can't listen

when somebody else is talking.

(panting)

(dog barks in distance)

What's going on?

(snarling)

Aww, isn't that cute?

The hobgoblins are going hob-golfin'.

**

(snarling)

Oh, if you only knew what you just did.

I don't understand.

What just happened?

The vault.

I-- I tried to warn you.

Those creatures, the vault.

I tried.

All my work, 30 years,

I've been trying to prevent this from happening.

To-- To prevent what from happening?

Well, those-- those creatures.

Why do you think I spent the last 30 years of my life here?

I was keeping them from escaping.

You know, I was young when I began to work here.

And this studio was-- was busy and prosperous.

(McCreedy) I always remember the night that it happened.

It was late, and there was hardly anyone around.

Wow, amazing what a little black shoe polish can do for you.

...a flash of light from some explosion.

I stepped out to see what it was.

There was no one else there except for me.

It was right in the middle of the lot.

If it had been daytime,

it probably would have been crushed in all the traffic.

I just stared at it for a long time.

I didn't know what to make of it.

And then suddenly it moved,

and out from the top of the disc

came this small creature, a sort of hobgoblin.

It looked around,

and then it stared right at me.

I didn't move, I just kept watching it.

(snarling)

Looked so friendly at first.

If only I'd known what lay ahead.

But I still don't understand.

I let the creatures live on the lot.

It was my secret.

And then I learned of the power they had.

I still don't know if they figured

they were doing good for people or not.

They slowly began to destroy everyone on the lot.

They would find a person, tap into his brain,

and then create his wildest fantasy.

It seemed harmless at first.

I mean, watching everyone around me

becoming rich or famous.

But, for most people,

what they really want in life can be very dangerous.

In fact, the creatures wound up destroying everyone,

everyone they came in contact with.

They're-- They're loose in the city now.

But you could warn everyone.

They'd listen to your story.

Would they?

No one believed me 30 years ago.

I went straight to the head of the studio

and tried to explain it to him.

He didn't believe me, no one did.

I just watched helplessly

as people around me were destroyed one by one.

Then what can we do?

Oh, I-- I'm too old to catch up with them now,

but you might still have a chance.

There aren't very many of them,

but they move quickly.

Just remember, they're attracted to bright lights.

That's how you can find them.

Watch everyone around you.

When a person begins to act strangely,

it means that one of the creatures

have tapped into his mind.

When this happens, the creature is never far away.

Find it and kill it before it's too late,

because when the creature dies

the fantasy ends and the victim is safe.

Now remember, they're only attracted to bright light.

Hmm.

I-- I can't remember now.

What is it they're attracted to?

Destroy them all before dawn because once it's daylight

it's too late. Okay.

And you'll never be able to stop them.

(engine starts, revs)

(needle scratch)

** (rock music)

All right!

(snarling)

Come on, Amy, get with it.

Do the backstroke.

Now the Funky Chicken.

Okay, do the Jerk.

Oh, never mind, you already are one.

(snarling, growling)

(van horn honking)

(gasps) That horn.

I'd recognize it anywhere.

(gasps, sighs)

(honking)

See you guys later.

Much later.

That's weird.

Maybe he's circling the block or something.

I brought your jacket. (gasps)

I thought you might be cold out here.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Where's Nick?

I thought I heard his horn before.

So did I.

Well, maybe you should wait inside until you see him.

Look, he's just looking for a place to park.

Now would you go back into the house?

There's plenty of parking in front.

Maybe it wasn't his horn.

Look, I'm positive it was.

Maybe the police just pulled him over

for all his warrants or something.

Now would you just go back in the house?

Fine, I get the message.

Just take this stupid jacket with you.

(grunts) Damn it, Nick, where the hell are you?

(sighs)

(snarling)

Amy, would you just go back in the house

and leave me alone?

God! Would you stop breathing all over me?

(snarling, growls)

(shrieks)

Sounds like Nick finally got here.

(grunting) (snarling)

Get the (--) off me!

She must be happy to see him.

(snarling)

Go off!

Take this and that and this! (banging, whimpering)

(panting)

(grunting)

Honestly, couldn't you just wait?

(snarling)

(shrieking)

(screaming)

(snarling, growling)

Come on, grab it!

Looks like a new dance.

It's pretty kinky.

Hey, guys.

(panting) (snarling)

Nick, thank God you're here!

Something wild got in the house!

I'm gonna take you out.

No, it's those wild animals.

(snarling)

(muffled snarling) (panting)

(growling)

(snarling, growling)

I knew I'd find a use for this.

Kyle, come on!

(snarling, growling)

Just open the door and stand back.

Oh, my God, what do you call that?

Urban renewal.

Amy! (hobgoblins snarling)

Move out!

(snarling) (music stops)

(sighs)

(snarling)

No! Put that out!

(snarling)

Are you guys okay?

Yeah, I'm just peachy.

I had everything under control.

Good, then you can finish off your van.

(gasping)

I don't understand.

What were those things?

It's a long story.

What they do to your body is nothing

compared to what they do to your mind.

You don't have to worry about that.

Are you sure you're all okay?

I mean, you don't feel anything different, do you?

I think I wet my pants.

Hey, I was only kidding.

And none of you have a desire

to do anything you've never done before, right?

I don't think there's anything left

that we haven't done before.

How about you, Amy?

Well, actually, I did want to try

this new Chinese restaurant that I heard about.

Kyle?

Could I use your telephone again?

I want to call my girlfriend.

We still haven't met this mystery girl of yours.

What kind of a relationship do the two of you have?

Uh, I-- I guess you'd say it's a fantasy relationship.

Uh, what other kind are there?

(creaking)

(snarling)

(dial tone)

(ringing)

(in sultry voice) Hi, it's me, Fantasia.

Thanks for calling.

I need a new house pet to impress my friends.

Now hurry before the zookeeper comes.

Help me hide this iguana on my body.

(deepens voice) Uh, can I help you, Miss?

(normal voice) Oh, yes, Mr. Beast Master.

Something just crawled up my leg.

Oh, see if you can find it.

(deepens voice) I think you better come back to my office with me.

(normal voice) Now wait a minute.

Are you sure your office is in the baboon pit?

(snarling) Mr. Zookeeper,

what do you think you're doing?

This isn't the children's petting zoo.

(moans)

(deep voice) I have a new house pet

for you, Miss. (fake chuckle)

(normal voice) Oh, Mr. Zookeeper,

I could never take a cockatoo that size.

(record needle scratch) (groans)

Now stop wasting your money calling me.

I'm right outside your door.

Don't keep me waiting, lover.

(gurgling) (line clicks, dial tone)

** (ominous)

(howling)

(coughing)

Where's Kyle?

Didn't you guys see where he went?

No. No.

Do you-- Do you kiss on the first date?

I got all the way on the first date.

My kind of woman.

My place or yours?

Neither.

We'll go to Reputation Road.

I'll drive.

Uh, do we have some time to get Pop Rocks and whipped cream?

Just start the car.

Reputation Road, here we come.

(engine starts, revs)

(thunder rumbling)

Amy, quick, where's Reputation Road?

Daphne, where's Reputation Road?

Uh, you go down to the end of the street,

make a right, go through two traffic lights

and up the hill and there it is.

Hello! Continuity?

(groans) He doesn't have a newspaper in his hand.

I don't have time to explain.

Now he does. It's about those creatures.

I've got to go across town and get Kyle.

I want the rest of you to stay here.

Don't make a move or do anything.

And above all, don't fantasize about anything.

And now he don't.

(engine starts, revs)

You know, girls,

I can think of a fantasy right now.

It's involving the number 3.

(car horn honks)

Oh, Fantasia, you're my ideal woman.

You're intelligent,

you have a wonderful personality,

and I'll bet you're a great cook,

and I just know my mom's gonna love meeting you.

Will you marry me?

Skip the ceremony.

We're going straight to the honeymoon.

Oh, Fantasia, baby, I could watch you

all night long.

If you don't go any faster,

we could be driving all night long.

Now hurry! I know a shortcut.

(car horn honks) Jeez.

Oh... don't park here.

Why not?

You have to park near the edge...

if you want to go all the way.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, I think you should've stopped

at the "halfway" sign.

How's that?

Perfect.

That was some shortcut you knew about.

I never knew there was a road

through the children's playground.

There isn't.

(laughing)

Well, uh, what're you waiting for?

Fantasia, where are you going?

I wanted a better view of the city.

You can see it all from here.

(snap)

Now...

Isn't that a lovely view?

Oh, it sure is.

Well, where are you going now?

Just wait a second.

You just keep watching the view.

Just hold tight.

And get ready for the ride of your life.

Do it to me.

(Fantasia strains)

Uh, Fantasia, honey,

I think the car is in park.

Do you need any help?

Would you get back inside and wait for me?

This time, don't move.

(growling)

We're almost there.

Just think nasty thoughts while you wait.

(grunting)

(growling)

(grunts)

** (chimes)

Do it to me, baby.

Damn fool.

What're you doing here?

Hey, I want you to meet my girlfriend.

Wait till you see her. Fantasia? Honey?

Kyle, there's no girl.

She was a figment of your imagination.

No, she's not, she's just hiding somewhere.

I-- I told you, she's a shy girl.

Sweetie? A shy girl?

That bleach-blonde witch almost killed you.

She was back there trying to push

your car over the cliff.

Hey! Come on!

Whoa!

Whoa.

Now do you believe me?

I'll discuss my phone bill

with you later.

Oh, no.

They're gone!

(growling)

(growling)

Hit the creature!

I'm trying to!

(snarling)

Hit the creature!

Idiot.

The creatures broke loose, are you guys okay?

We're doin' just fine.

Well, what about Amy? Where's she?

Yeah, she was acting kind of strange.

What? Where is she?

Well, she said she wanted to go to Club Scum.

What? Why didn't you try to stop her?

What's the big deal? I've been there before.

You guys, don't you understand?

These creatures have a power.

They can tap into your brain and sense

the things that you really wanna do.

What's wrong with that?

They also try to kill you.

I just chased Kyle across town and pulled him out of his car

right before it rolled over a cliff and blew up.

It's still burning now.

You see what I'm trying to tell you guys now?

What could happen at that night club?

Well, there's a lot of bikers

and people fighting everywhere, and--

and I've seen people dealing drugs

and knife-fights. What?

Oh, no, come on, we've gotta go!

Come on!

And I see the police arresting people there

all the time for God knows what.

Oh, no, come on!

** (distant rock and roll)

Daphne, I think you got this all wrong.

Amy would never come to a place like this.

She won't even go through

the mall parking lot by herself.

Would you just listen to me?

You guys have to have a certain kind of attitude

when you're in this part of town.

You gotta look like you belong,

okay?

Yeah, I get it.

Look, would you just listen to me,

and nothing will happen.

Now look, I think one of us should hold

all the wallets for safe-keeping.

You.

Quiet, just be cool.

Kevin? Daphne?

** (louder rock and roll)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you guys think you're going?

We're looking for a girl in here.

You know something? I don't think the girls

in here are gonna be your type.

Why don't you try the polo lounge up the street?

You don't understand, we're looking for

a particular girl here tonight.

Oh...

Wait-- ooh.

Yo, Pixie,

haul it over here.

Yeah, what is it?

You, uh, working here tonight?

You know what I always say,

the higher the hair, the closer to God.

--you know, working.

(Pixie) College boys.

Hmm. I thought this bar was called "Club Scum,"

not "Club Skank."

Any of those fancy numbers in French?

Read my lips.

We're looking for a friend of ours

who's in there.

Does she look anything like Pixie?

God, I hope not.

This is the last time I ever give you

10% of my tips!

10% of her what?

All right, that's it, you guys are outta here.

Get outta here--

ooh, Daphne.

Didn't see you back there.

Hi.

Roadrash!

Long time, no see.

I was sorry to hear about

your boyfriend coming back from the army.

You give me a call the next time you need a little booty.

Ixnay on the oldier-say,

Okay?

What?

Can we go in?

You guys are friends of Daphne's...

go for it, knock yourselves out.

You guys see her anywhere?

Look, we should just sit down before

people start staring at us.

Oh... you must be here for

the wet t-shirt contest tonight.

Wet t-shirt contest?

Donkey mud-wrestling?

Donkey mud-wrestling?

"Get Lucky" night?

No.

Oh, I'm sorry, the donkey mud-wrestlers

are supposed to use the rear entrance.

Enjoy the show.

Hi, Daph.

Sit down.

How well do you know those guys?

It was just platonic.

Oh, really?

Oh, would you just shut up, okay?

Hey, you guys aren't much of a help, you know.

We're supposed to be looking for Amy.

Well, why don't you try looking under the tables?

Yeah, Daphne's an expert at being under the tables here.

What color are the rugs, Daph?

Same color as the carpet burns

on my knees, Nick!

(clears throat)

(mic feedback whines)

Greetings, low-lifes.

And welcome to Club Scum.

Get off the stage, you idiot!

**

** (rock and roll)

* Why work for something *

* When you can...

* Steal it

* It's always been

* My philosophy

* A little of this *

* And a whole lot

* Of the latter

* I want it all

* 'Cause I want some more *

* Kiss kicker 99

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to live

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* Kiss kicker 99

* Why live for something *

* When you can kill it? *

* It's always been

* My philosophy

* You shove and get shoved *

* And ya shovel

* More (--)

* I want it all

* And I want some more *

* Kiss kicker 99

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to live

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* Kiss kicker 99

** (guitar solo)

* You live and let live *

* Or you live and

* Let die

* Oh, I want it all

* 'Cause I want some more *

* Kiss kicker 99

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to live

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* Kiss kicker 99

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to live

* Kiss kicker

* 99 girls, 99 boys

* Boot licker

* 99 reasons to die *

(cheering, whistling)

Can I get you guys somethin' to drink here?

Maybe later.

There's a two drink minimum here.

Look, we're all underage, okay?

(groans)

Roadrash, c'mere, quick.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, what is it?

None of these kids are 21 yet.

All right.

How many fake ID's we need?

This says I'm 40 and handicapped.

So what? You got a problem with that, junior?

No, I'll limp.

(mic feedback)

And now...

Club Scum is proud to present

a new headliner.

Appearing nudely and nightly,

Miss Amy Sin-cere.

She's a waitress, a hooker,

and a go-go girl!

Oh, my God.

Amy! Get off the stage!

Hey, sit down and shut up.

(whistling, cat-calls)

I don't know, but I think it's sort of an improvement.

So do I.

(cheering)

(cheering)

Bet you showed her how to do that,

huh, Daphne?

Well, what do you think, folks?

Is she a hit or a miss?

(cheering)

Hey, I don't know what she's doing--

Enough--

Amy!

(glass breaking) (cheering)

Stop interrupting the show!

I want you to treat me like dirt!

Spill your drinks on me.

Show everyone that I'm not wearing

any underwear.

Take me under the table

and use me.

Make me...

...your woman.

My bike's right outside.

I live right around the corner, you know what I mean?

Look, she's just drunk.

She doesn't even know what she's saying.

She's never even been on the back of a motorcycle.

She's terrified of 'em.

Riding a motorcycle is like...

...sitting on the world's largest vibrator.

Miss Sincere.

You're my kind of woman.

Amy Sincere's only my stage name.

Do you wanna know my real name?

Tell it to me on your knees, baby.

Break it up, you two!

I'm not into the number 3.

Get outta here, you jerk!

Would you guys stop sitting there and help me?

Why don't you help him, Daphne?

You seem to have a way with all the men in this place.

(fake chuckling)

Sergeant Parker, what're you doing here?

At ease, Private.

I'm out on a weekend pass.

I hear Pixie's working tonight.

You go out in public in full uniform?

A real soldier dies with his boots on.

This way, this way! (growling)

What's going on here?

Just a problem involving some small predators, Sir.

(growling)

I see.

Sort of a marauding attack?

Yes, sir. I believe that we need to stage a diversion.

Private, who's in command here? You are, sir.

Then I'll make the decisions.

We need to stage a diversion.

And I have just what you need.

(growling)

(growling)

(growling)

(snarling)

Oh... the crowd here tonight.

(growling)

Pixie, did I ever tell you that I was

a-- a talent scout

for a major motion picture studio?

Did I ever tell you

that I've always been attracted

to men of your stature?

Oh...

Pixie! Pixie!

Pixie!

Oh!

(both moaning)

Aah!

** (chimes)

What the hell are you doing?

Here.

Kevin! Kevin! I got one.

Good, let's hope it's the right one.

Oh, Roadrash, do it to me!

Oh!

Kevin, quick, you gotta stop him!

All right, Daphne can stay,

but I want you two outta here.

(glass breaks)

Kevin, you gotta stop him, look!

(all scream)

(all screaming)

What's all that shouting?

It's me.

Faking my orgasm for you.

Hah! You missed.

Aah!

Aah!

Wait a second.

Aah!

Wait! Stop! Come back!

(growling)

(all screaming)

** (chimes)

Will you still fake your orgasms for me?

Fake this!

Hey, look! There's Amy.

Oh! Amy! Are you okay?

I'm not sure-- why am I dressed like

a rock video slut?

It's a long story, I'll explain later.

I ask myself the same question every day.

You there!

Name, rank, serial number!

Don't shoot me! I'm just an employee.

I don't even book the talent here.

Sergeant, can't you stop him?

Why? This is the best training he's ever had.

He could never get this at boot camp.

You call that training? He could kill somebody.

War isn't pretty.

Daphne and Nick are still inside--

we gotta try and help 'em.

Wait.

I have a special mission for you.

You do?

Yes.

Have you ever considered joining the USO?

The USO?

Yes, think of it.

Entertain the troops.

Doing your part for our country.

A small but patriotic gesture that would be appreciated

by our boys off fighting around the world.

I'll do it! Good!

You can start right away.

I've got a truckload of soldiers out in

the parking lot.

If you start now, you can be finished

with them by morning.

What?!

Nick! Do something! Your sergeant's after me!

Just-- just shoot him!

One war at a time, babe.

Here-- help yourself.

Stop wasting time!

Nick!

Maybe I should send Nick off

to some third-world country.

That would give you all the time that you need.

Let go of me! Well, maybe I should

get Nick out of the picture altogether.

Nick! This is your sergeant speaking!

Save the troops!

Nick, no, don't do it! That's an order!

(explosion)

I love Burning Man!

I'm a season ticket-holder.

Aah!

(screaming)

(screaming)

That truck of soldiers is waiting outside.

It'll be a dream come true.

(growling)

My dream can come true right now!

Aah!

I-- I got the last of 'em.

Thank God, it's almost over.

Oh, God, will ya lookit?

** (chimes)

Must've been a rowdy crowd tonight.

Hey, hey, hey, Miss Sincere,

you know, I really liked

that show you were doing inside.

Okay, scumball, the show is over.

Why don't you just climb back under your rock?

Daphne, I could've done that.

Oh, sorry.

Amy, I want you to know that

I'll always be there for you.

Well, you know, no one's ever really

noticed me before like that.

I mean, I've always just been thought of

as Daphne's friend.

This is the first time

somebody came up to me like that.

I kinda liked it.

Amy, I meant what I said.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.

(starts engine)

(growling)

Where is he?

Mr. Comstock, I wasn't sure if

you'd still be here this late.

I'm on my way out the door, what do you want now?

The creatures have broken loose!

The same ones I tried to warn you about

when I first got my job here.

Are you gonna try to tell me

that same story about the hobgoblins again?

Yes, sir.

I'm glad you still remember about them.

How could I forget that nonsense?

Now get out of here and get back to work.

But you don't understand.

They broke loose tonight.

They're out there somewhere in the city.

I already sent

the other guard out to try to find them.

What? You mean to s--

There's no one manning the front gate right now?

No, sir. This is preposterous!

You do know that if something were

to happen to this studio while no one was on duty,

our insurance will refuse to pay off?

Yes, sir.

Well then, get back on your post!

You're not listening!

I want to go out and find him!

He must need my help by now.

You are not going to leave your job

to go out and chase some foolishness.

If you walk off this lot,

you are fired.

Well, good.

Saves me the trouble of quitting.

Mr. McCreedy?

Hey there.

We have a score to settle.

Amy, this time

I'm gonna make you proud.

Aah!

Amy, I think Kevin's proved his bravery.

Would you tell him to stop before he kills himself?

For God's sake, Kevin, stop before he kills you.

(grunts)

Sometimes you win...

sometimes you lose.

(cocks gun)

No-- no!

(gunshot)

(growling)

** (chimes)

I'm sorry for sending you out on your own.

I should've know the creatures would

try to destroy you also.

Where are they going now?

Back to their home in the vault.

Hurry, there isn't much time left.

Kevin, wait.

Don't take too long.

I'll be waiting.

Let's go!

Oh, come on!

(low growling)

I was right about them.

They're back inside.

(growling)

Well, maybe we should get closer

and lock them back inside again.

No, I've spent 30 years guarding them.

And I was fired from my job tonight.

I won't be around here to keep an eye on them.

You were fired?

Well...

maybe I could guard them from now on.

Oh, no, I don't want you to throw your life away

the way I had to.

There is a better way.

Oh, did you find them?

Yeah, they're back inside the vault.

What're you gonna do to them?

I don't know.

Kevin, did I ever tell you what I did in the war?

No. (chuckling)

Munitions.

(beeps)

(distant screams)

(clock tower bells)

Isn't it ironic that they should pick

a movie studio to land?

Unless they figured they-- they belonged

in a dream factory.

You were my hero tonight.

What?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Daphne...

Yeah?

Well, this is for you.

Really?

No one's ever given me flowers before.

I'll bet there's lots of things

I could show you for the first time.

Nick.

Nick? Nick?

Nick!

Daph! Baby!

Told you guys I had everything under control.

Daphne?

Nicky?

(both) Van!

(springs creak)

Hello, Mr. Comstock.

Yes, I-- I realize what time it is.

I'm sorry to wake you, sir, but...

there's been an accident

at the studio.

The film vault blew up.

Yes, it-- the building is still smoldering.

Oh, yes, I realize about the insurance,

but you fired me earlier.

There was no one on duty...

when it happened.

What're you talking about?

What do you mean, "it blew up"?

It can't blow up...

Excuse me, sir.

Could I use your phone?

** (rock and roll)

* If I can't have you *

* Nobody can

* If I can't have you *

* Nobody can

* I want you so bad

* I'm gonna die

* I can smell you in my mind *

* Taste ya in my soul *

* You're everything that this boy *

* Could ever want

* Mmm, but you left me for *

* Somebody new

* A graveyard where jealousy *

* Can grow

* The memories beat on *

* The walls

* Passion kills

* Passion kills

* If I can't have you *

* Nobody can

* If I can't have you *

* Nobody can

* Desire starts to pump *

* Through me

* Ah-drain through my body *

* And I'm burnin' hot

* You're everything that this boy *

* Could ever want

* But you left me for

* Somebody new

* A graveyard where jealousy *

* Can grow

* The memories beat on

* The wall

* Passion kills

* Passion kills

* So I sit in the tree

* By your room

* And I watch you undress *

* Someone else

* My heart starts to pound *

* Through my chest

* Passion kills

* Passion kills

* If I can't have you *

* Nobody can

* If I can't have you *

* Nobody can

* You're everything that this boy *

* Could ever want *

** (muzak)

Just remember.

The next time you see a movie

that's only rated PG,

I want you to make it

rated X.

(laughing)

Oh...

Now it's time for the 763rd

presentation of the Elvie Awards!

Yes, the Elvie Award.

Suitable for a doorstop or murder weapon.

The Elvie Award.

Presented to the Best Performance

by a Hobgoblin in a Movie.

And the nominees are...

Hobgoblin Number One.

Hobgoblin Number Two.

Hobgoblin Number Three.

And Hobgoblin Number Four.

Oh...

And the Elvie Award goes to...

Hobgoblin Number Two.

Oh! Congratulations, Number Two.

Oh, God--

No-- I am not the--

No-- No! I'm not the award!

Get out of here, get--

Oh, uh, yeah,

you're welcome, I guess.

Everyone give it up for Number Two, yay!

Okay.

Welp, I guess the moral of this movie is...

your fantasies will kill you.

But if that were the case,

I would've been dead a long time ago.

Well, so, what'd you think of "Hobgoblins"?

Wait, no, no, don't text me.

I can read your mind, remember?

Hmm... I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking...

Elvira, why didn't you tell me this movie was

so bad my husband would leave me

and my son would be arrested?

Uh, and I'm thinking,

they really don't have anything to do with one another.

But I tried to warn ya.

But I still don't understand.

Well, let's look on the bright side.

if you were bright, you wouldn't've been

in this movie in the first place.

You'd've been out doing something

productive with your time

like watching porno on the internet

or baking cookies or breaking into cars--

(car alarm blares)

Oh, just as long as it's not my car.

Wait a second, it is my car!

I swear, if somebody stole my rims again,

they are gonna have...

unpleasant dreams!

And my foot up their ass.