Original subtitles

**

(man screaming)

Oh, hello there, darlings.

Yeah, it's me again,

that gal with the show who can't say no.

Well, actually I did say no once but...

that was only when I was asked if I'd ever said no before.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

Oh, that's my password so, uh, don't tell nobody, okay?

Um, I was just checking my

Facie-hype-me-ego, self-centered book, tweet, trending status.

Thanks to Taylor Swift,

I am very aware of how important social media is

in the prevention of social diseases.

Whoa, looks like my tag has been hashed quite a bit lately.

I am right up there behind Demi Lovato,

ice buckets and Chris Pratt.

Ooh, I wish I was behind Chris Pratt.

You know, I've always considered myself to be a social lubricant.

I like my conversations like I like my clothes.

Short and easy to get out of.

But now I'm cutting to the chatter

and getting down to the matter.

Today, er, tonight, depending on the shift you're working,

I have dug through the "anals" of cinema schlock

and found a real loser-- uh, winner.

And I've got two big reasons why you should watch.

One, two.

People are always telling me,

"Elvira, it is wrong for you to exploit your body."

And I always say,

"Hey, I mean, opportunity only gives you knockers once."

Er, twice if you can afford it.

Anyway, I likes to dress to impress.

And trust me, this dress definitely

leaves an impression on everybody.

Especially me.

Owie, ouch.

I-- I think my bra's really alive.

Down, girls, down.

Whoa.

Okay, back to the movie.

Tonight's sick flick is called "Seedpeople."

But it ain't about some guy named Johnny Apple.

And it's not an ad for this.

("Hail to the Chief" playing rapidly)

Thank you for national health care.

It's science fiction.

Now, you know, science fiction is just another way of saying

it don't have to make sense,

'cause we was just making it up as we go along.

So let's sow our wild oats and get plowed,

'cause it's time to spread some "Seedpeople."

(keypad tapping)

**

**

(man screaming)

You guys gotta let me go!

Come on.

Leave me alone!

(monitor beeping)

You've injured your head, Mr. Baines.

Now stop struggling, let us help you.

You have to listen to me.

I've got to talk to the authorities.

There's not much time, we have to hurry!

You can't go anywhere in your condition.

Come on, this will help.

No, ahh!

No... no!

Special Agent Weems, FBI.

This man has suffered a serious concussion.

Will you get out of this room at once?!

Listen to him, would you help me, please?

Help me. You're Tom Baines?

The geologist with the State Geodetic Survey Office?

Yes, I am and please help me.

You're interfering with a medical emergency.

I'm a federal law enforcement officer.

This man is under my care.

I have to talk to him right now.

This is a matter of national security.

If you interrupt again, Doctor,

I'll place you under arrest.

All right, now what did you give him?

It's a mild sedative, he's all right.

So you know about them?

That's why I'm here, Tom.

You've got to make sure that I destroyed all of them.

Okay, just start from the beginning

and tell me everything you remember happening

from the time you got to Comet Valley.

It's all right, Mr. Baines.

You see, there was...

there was only one way in or out of Comet Valley.

(Tom) The Comet Valley Bridge.

When I arrived...

they were closing it three days for repairs.

I remember thinking, here I am again...

in Comet Valley with no way out.

Same way I felt growing up

before I left for graduate school.

I didn't mind it.

This time my old girlfriend, Heidi...

had turned her family's home into a bed-and-breakfast.

It was...

it was the only place on that side of the bridge

where I could rent a room.

Jeez, cut to the chase already!

You really think the FBI gives a rat's --

about who you used to date?

Hi, Tom.

(chuckling)

I never would have dreamed that the next time

you and I would see each other

that you would be the innkeeper...

and I would be the paying guest.

If you feel uncomfortable about it,

you can always stay at Frank's.

He's got a place near the orchard.

It's fine by me.

I mean, if it's okay with you.

Yeah.

I think we're both adult enough to handle it.

Good.

Come in.

Ooh... very nice.

Tom?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Thanks.

You're our only customer while the bridge is out

so you pretty much got the run of the place.

Except for Kim.

Very nice, the place looks good.

You've changed the place a lot.

But you haven't changed.

If that's supposed to be a compliment,

you've missed by a mile.

Well, it is and you look great.

I'm not the complacent little butterfly I was

when you and I were an item.

Complacent?

When Sally died, I not only lost my sister-in-law,

I lost my best friend.

Yeah, I know it must have been hard.

Yeah, it still is.

And I'm the designated mother for Kim now.

She's going through a difficult age.

And I just take it one day at a time.

So what's it like changing your home

into a bed-and-breakfast?

What's it like being divorced

but still living with your ex-wife?

(chuckling)

Heidi, I don't live there.

I just haven't moved my stuff out.

It's nothing personal.

I'm just telling you what it's like

to turn your home into a B&B.

We serve a light dinner early at 6:00.

Well, thanks, but Thurman and I will be tied up.

We have a lot of catching up to do.

Okay.

And tell Thurman I said hello.

You betcha.

An old friend had asked me back to give a talk about meteorites.

Didn't wonder that they had become

such a controversial subject.

(man) Somebody's fooling around

in that orchard at night, Thurman.

Hell, Ed, I'm a county agent,

not the sheriff.

Look, I got a crop I gotta get in.

Now something's gotta be done about this.

All right, well, even if there are people out there,

what harm can they do? What harm can they be doing?

I can't believe you're saying--

Tom! Hi, Thurman.

I was worried you weren't gonna get here

before the bridge closed.

Man, you're looking good, looking good.

Ed, how are you?

I was just trying to tell Thurman here,

you fellas ought to stop stirring up

these meteorite nuts.

All we're doing is asking people to keep a lookout for any,

uh, unusual stones, Ed.

Yeah, and three nights in a row

I got lights out in one of my orchards.

Damn bunch of rock collectors.

What's the problem with that, Ed?

Ever since Thurmie found this little old rock

he claims is a meteorite,

I got people tramping around my orchards.

Oh, Ed, you're just drinking too much of that

homemade hard cider.

You're just imagining things.

I'm gonna be laying for 'em 'til I catch one.

(engine starting)

We'll see who's imagining things.

**

It had surprised me when...

when Ed didn't shake hands.

The only person that I'd expected that from

was Brad Yates.

We'd always been competitors.

He was the deputy sheriff now.

And still chasing Heidi.

**

What's the matter? This isn't like you, Kim.

There's nothing wrong with me.

It's Mrs. Santiago who's weird.

(sizzling)

Please make her go away.

Kimmy.

I can't stand to be around her!

That's enough, Kim, she's gonna hear you.

She doesn't have to, she reads my mind!

I'll videotape her when she doesn't know it.

You'll see.

Just let her alone a few minutes, Frank.

Maybe she's finally dealing with Sally's death.

After five years?

She's a child, Frank.

(door closing)

Sheriff Yates is here.

Oh, no, not yet.

I'm still just a deputy.

Hey, Frank. Hello, Brad.

Well, I got an orchard to irrigate.

And don't worry about Kim, Frank.

I'll help her work it out.

All right, I'm depending on you, sis.

As always.

See you later, Brad. Take care, Frank.

Kim got some kind of problem?

Yeah, she just went through a difficult age.

How's it going with the bridge?

Okay.

I ran into Tom Baines out there today.

I told you he was coming in for a couple of days

to hunt meteorites with Thurman.

Yeah, but you didn't tell me

he was gonna be staying here.

I can always tell when you're about ready

to take a stupid pill. Have I said anything?

What's the big deal about Tom staying here?

This is a bed-and-breakfast, that's what I do.

I rent rooms and I provide meals.

Look, what am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to be tickled pink?

Well, if you insist.

Gitch-gitch-gitch-goo.

You're right, I'm sorry.

Cookie?

**

Uh-oh, something bad's gonna happen.

'Cause the music's telling my brain...

something bad's gonna happen!

(sprinkler rhythmically spraying)

(birds chirping)

You know something bad's gonna happen

when you hear that rattling sound.

And then you hear birds chirping,

but there ain't no birds...

And then you go poking a stick

into a corsage filled with 2% milk.

(bubbling)

(screaming)

(groaning)

(bubbling and crackling)

(phone ringing)

Ew!

That's the way my dog

cleans his butt on my carpet.

(phone ringing continues)

Hello, this is Frank.

(Thurman) Frank.

This is Thurman, got a minute?

Hello, Frank?

Frank, you hear me?

Can't believe it.

Frank's pissed at me, too.

You see, I didn't know it yet,

but they were already there.

I mean, did I get them all?

I mean, what about Heidi?

And Brad and Kim?

I mean, what are you doing to--

to make sure that I got all of them?

Here, let me make you more comfortable.

Lift your head.

Good, now just try to remember.

Oh, I remember, I remember everything.

What about Doc Roller?

Did Thurman take you to see him?

No, I didn't know about Doc then.

Not at first.

(horn honking)

How's it going, Winette?

(woman) Brad, listen,

I wanted to talk to you about Doc Roller.

Oh, yeah, about what?

Well, he tried to buy a case of whiskey

from me last night.

Now, I wouldn't sell him but two-fifths,

and he gave me quite an earful.

You did the right thing.

I'll keep an eye out for him.

Thanks, Brad.

You keep an eye on my liquor store.

You bet.

All right, you have a good time now. Bye-bye.

(horn honking)

Central, this is substation 14,

8:00 a.m. com check-- over.

(man) Substation 14, this is Central.

Is that you Brad?

Nope, this is Fraser.

Deputy Yates just arrived if you'd like to speak with him.

Negative.

Tell him just because the bridge is closed,

it doesn't mean he's authorized to stay

shacked up with his girlfriend.

(snickering)

That's a big roger and Deputy Yates

sends his respects to you, too.

Roger that, Central out.

(Thurman) So you came up here when you were a kid?

(Tom) Yeah, whenever I could get some pretty little señorita

to come up here with me.

Wow, what memories.

Did he say "mammaries"?

(water dripping)

Wow.

5- or 600 years ago, some Indians stood right here

with a stick, a bit of iron oxide and pitch

and drew the damndest thing that he ever saw in his life.

Do you think that Indian saw a comet

sailing somewhere out in space?

Well, I think what we're looking at here is a...

is an eyewitness drawing

of some major, major meteor fall.

**

Almost everybody in Comet Valley was acting a bit weird.

I didn't think that much about it until the incident with Kim.

I was in my room putting together some slides

for a talk I was giving to the Fireball Club that night.

**

(heartbeat thumping)

Kimmy!

(heartbeat thumping)

Kimmy!

Supper!

Suppertime!

(heartbeat thumping)

**

(screaming)

Get out of here, get out of here!

(screaming)

(screaming)

Aunt Heidi, Aunt Heidi!

Aunt Heidi?!

Aunt Heidi!

Aunt Heidi, Aunt Heidi!

Aunt Heidi!

Kimmy, what is the matter? Mrs. Santiago just--

(screaming)

Kimmy, what's the matter?

Kim!

It's okay. (door slamming)

Can I be of any help?

A couple of days ago, Kim starts this thing

about Mrs. Santiago being possessed.

Possessed? Possessed by what?

I mean, what are we dealing with here,

devils, the exorcist?

I don't know.

I told her to go back home with Frank this morning.

But, no, she can't do that

because he's not really her father anymore.

He's one of them, too.

Heidi...

You're a paying guest, remember?

You know, I went up to Indian Canyon today.

Reminded me of when we used to go back there.

It's all over now, Tom.

Okay.

Then if we're gonna clear the air,

why don't you tell me something?

Why haven't you and Brad gotten married?

'Cause I'm still waiting for him

to get his head out of his ass.

(sprinkler rhythmically spraying)

**

(squishing)

Dammit, Frank let the irrigation system on.

(slurping)

What the heck is that?

(wind whistling)

What in the ding-dong heckamadoodle hell is that?

Looks like these two blossoms

have already gone to seed.

Not this one, Ed.

It's pollinating.

Look out, that tree's gone nuts!

(screaming)

(groaning)

Thurman!

(screaming continues)

I still didn't know what was going on.

I didn't have a clue.

Nobody did.

It wouldn't have mattered much anyhow

though 'cause the bridge closed at sundown.

We were trapped.

What about Doc Roller, Tom?

Did you see him at the Fireball Club

when you were giving your talk?

No.

No, Thurman hadn't invited Doc.

He felt there was too much skepticism about

the meteorites anyhow.

And if people thought that Doc was involved with us

it would be even harder to get their cooperation.

Doc had the reputation of being the town nut.

Nobody considered him dangerous.

Everyone figured he was just a...

just a harmless old oddball.

(giggling)

Oh, no, no, don't.

(all chattering)

Hi, everybody.

I think I've had a chance to say hello to everybody,

but if not, I'm Tom Baines

and thank you very much for, uh, for having me.

(clicking)

(engine starting)

**

(Tom) It's always been, uh, assumed that

this local rock drawing depicts a comet.

Which is, of course, how we got our name here at Comet Valley.

When a meteoroid comes into earth's gravity field,

it's usually destroyed by the atmosphere.

And those who survive the plunge to earth are called meteorites.

And this is a, uh, a picture of the meteorite

Thurman found about, oh, a mile from here.

**

(engine revving)

(thudding) Oh!

(tires screeching)

(thudding)

(tires screeching)

(thudding)

(tires screeching)

(tires screeching)

Ahh!

Ahh!

(screaming)

You know, he could've run into a tree,

but he didn't wanna ruin his paint job.

So he ran over his friend.

And it's possible that what we've always assumed

was a comet and the pictograph is actually a meteorite.

And that it may be out there for one of us to find.

I'm Burt Mosely.

Uh, I didn't wanna say anything in there.

I don't want people to think I've gone crackpot.

(car doors closing) We've already got one crackpot in Comet Valley.

About what, Burt?

I got a funny rock that I want you to take a look at.

I was digging a trench with a backhoe the other day.

Uh-huh.

Getting ready to lay some irrigation pipe.

And the blade hit something hard.

And I climbed out to take a look...

Here's what I found.

What do you think?

**

Well, I have never seen anything

like this, my friend.

Never.

What do you say we pull her out of here

and take it over to Thurman's warehouse

so I can run some tests on it

and get a little better look at it?

Sure, whatever you wanna do.

You think it looks like a meteorite?

Yes, sir, I sure do.

I sure do, and even better than that,

you see this sediment that's just stuck in here?

I can pull this and do a carbon date on it.

Yeah.

I'll be able to tell when she fell to earth.

If it was about 4- or 500 years ago,

you may have the rock

in the pictograph there, my friend.

This might be the Comet Valley meteorite.

Yeah, yeah.

Com check.

Com check.

Guess what? I don't know.

What?

Something tripped the breaker

at the substation again.

Oh, great.

So, uh, how about I just go on to the house

after I reset 'em?

Yeah, that'll be all right.

You haven't seen Thurman anywhere, have you?

No.

Why, do you want me to check on his house?

Oh, no, I just came from there.

I'll patrol around a little before I hit the sack.

Yeah, fine.

I think I'll just stretch out here for a minute.

Give me a call when you get home, will you?

Okay.

**

You crazy old fool, what are you doing?!

You don't understand.

I've gotta stop them!

Give me the hatchet, Doc.

Now stay back!

Now you may be one of them!

Let go!

(shouting)

Goddamnit, Doc!

(engine starting)

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

Officer down by a big, giant, rolling turd.

Could be Gary Busey.

Request Hazmat unit.

(screaming)

(Tom) So brush all this out in here

and you'll see what I'm talking about.

(Kim) Yech. So what do you think?

Looks like a peach pit.

(chuckling)

It does, doesn't it, yeah.

Thurman is gonna be surprised.

When he finally shows up.

I bet Mrs. Santiago killed him.

Kim.

She hypnotized Dad, too.

You promised that if I made Mrs. Santiago

take a week off, you'd stop this nonsense.

She hasn't left yet.

Tom's gonna think that everybody in

Comet Valley's crazy.

Well, not Kim.

Here, look at it through this.

Thank you.

You're a pretty cool guy, Tom.

You're pretty cool yourself too, you know?

That smile of yours lights up the whole room

like your Aunt Heidi.

We better get going.

Thanks for letting me see it.

You bet'cha.

Give me five.

See you. Bye.

Thanks.

Heidi.

I meant it when I said

that your smile lights up the room.

Tom...

I know that...

He's POed.

Brad, what's wrong?

Thurman's dead.

Hit-and-run.

And I know the son of a bitch that did it, too.

There's only one vehicle in Comet Valley

with hubcaps like these.

And it belongs to Doc Roller.

Oh my God.

We got big problems here.

I sent Fraser over to check the relay switches.

I don't know where the hell the guy is.

He said he would call me.

I'll run over to the substation

and check on it, Brad.

That's all right, Tom.

I can handle it by myself.

I was just about to say how handy I am

with electrical stuff.

No, Tom, I can handle it.

**

(engine starting)

(heartbeat thumping)

(heartbeat thumping)

(rumbling)

(screeching)

My chicken!

Tom... are you all right?

Phew.

Tom?

Are you hurt?

No.

I'm okay.

Something strange.

Mrs. Santiago?

Is something the matter, Mr. Baines?

Tom, what happened?

I don't know.

I'll have to let you know when I figure it out.

**

(birds chirping)

(Doc Roller) It's not what you thought it

would be, is it, huh?

(laughing)

Oh, you can't imagine.

You can't begin to imagine.

Okay, take it easy, just take--

Back! Come on.

I'm bulletproof.

They can't get me, none of them can get at me!

You're one of them, I bet.

Whose side are you on?

Are you on the side of science?

Why don't you just put the gun down

and we'll talk about it, okay?

It's Doc, isn't it?

J. Burl Roller, PhD.

"Profigator Emeritus" of planet earth.

(chuckling)

The question is,

are you one of them or one of us?

I suppose you don't know

that what you're examining is not mineral.

So, why don't you tell me what it is then, Doc?

This... was the goal

of the leaf and the root.

This little grain is the ultimate fruit...

for this did the blossom burn its hour.

This is the awesome vessel of power.

I'll tell you what it is.

It is testa.

And where there is testa, there is a seed.

He's-- he's looking for me, you know?

Yeah, I know.

All he wants to do is talk to you about Thurman, Doc.

Yes, yes.

Of course.

Go and fetch the deputy.

We'll do that.

We will talk about Thurman.

Watch the gun, just take it easy.

Go on! Watch the gun, watch the gun.

**

He's inside.

What?

Doc Roller.

He's got a gun.

Brad, just give him a chance to come out.

Now you stay the hell out of this, Tom.

You're on my turf now.

Nice work, Tom.

You let him get away.

He indicated he was giving up, Brad.

He asked me to come get you.

Giving up?

Is that why he completely demolished

the communications gear at the substation?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I found Fraser's patrol car, too.

No Fraser.

He may have murdered a police officer

and you let him walk out of here!

So what was I supposed to do?

Eat the gun and throw him over my shoulder?

I don't know, Tom.

You're the guy that went to college.

You should have been smart enough

to think of something.

Yeah, to beauty college.

Burt Mosely had a big greenhouse operation near Heidi's place.

I knew that Doc Roller and Burt had worked together.

So I went up there to see if Burt could help me find him.

Howdy, Burt.

Got a minute?

Phones are out.

None of my workers showed up.

I'm busier than a one-legged man

in an ass-kicking contest.

Yeah, I can see that, uh...

Listen, I was wondering if you could tell me

how to get to Doc Roller's place?

Yeah, just follow this road on up to

the top of the canyon, you can't miss it.

What about my meteorite?

Well, I'm going to have to do some more tests

on that at the university.

Why you looking for Doc?

You heard about Thurman, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

You think Doc could have done that?

Come on inside here.

I've got to spray herbicide before it gets dark.

Here's what I think.

Doc didn't do it, not on purpose anyhow.

Well, you know, they said he'd been drinking.

Doc's been drinking a little lately it's true,

but drunk or not, he wouldn't leave old Thurman

laying in the road.

Sounds like you know Doc pretty well, huh?

Sure.

He and I used to do experiments

propagating stuff under ultraviolet lights.

Watch out around that stuff, Tom.

Stronger than five tons of monkey piss.

You trying to help them catch Doc?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I wanted to talk to him about your meteorite.

Well, you won't find him up at his lab.

I was up there earlier.

One more thing about Doc Roller.

He may talk crazy,

but that don't mean he doesn't know

what he's talking about!

**

I waited until after dark

before I went to Doc's place.

I didn't find Doc, but I found his lab.

The whole place was lit with ultraviolet light and...

and that's when I realized

Burt's meteorite wasn't the only one.

**

Okay, I don't know any girl

who can change her clothes that fast.

Is that a camera or a lunchbox?

(whispering) Oh my God.

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Ew, sometimes you don't.

"Today I have done it."

Sprouts.

Heidi.

Heidi.

Tom?

I just got back from Doc Roller's lab.

What are you doing in here?

Heidi, he's got another meteorite there

exactly like Burt's.

Where's Kim?

She's in the den sleeping.

You're going to wake her.

Listen, what I got to say you need to hear it.

Is this some love reverse to get into my bed?

No, Heidi.

I think that I know why Doc killed Thurman

and destroyed the communication systems.

Okay.

Just calm down.

All I need right now is Kim waking up

and finding you in here.

The meteorites are seeds.

The meteorites are seeds? Yes.

And there's something terribly wrong

going on here.

Oh, is everyone going crazy?

He's already tried to sprout one

in a hydroponic tank.

It's all here in the book.

He's already sprouted one here.

And you know the piece that I took from Burt's meteorite?

It's not mineral, Heidi, it's testa.

Tom.

Do you know what testa is?

Testa is seed covering.

Am I the only sane person left?

Tom.

Heidi, Mrs. Santiago...

This is the creature.

This is the creature I saw in the room with her, Heidi!

If you say another word,

I'm gonna have a complete mental breakdown

and scream.

Heidi, I saw this in the room!

Tom!

Leave.

Hey, what happened to the part

about the mental breakdown and the screaming?

Kim?

Tom!

**

(birds chirping)

(Kim) I'm looking at some lights through the trees.

It looks like a bunch of people.

I can't really tell what they're doing

so I'm going to move closer.

(breathing heavily)

Looks like they're looking for something.

I can't really tell.

They move so strangely.

(rumbling)

(gasping)

One of them just went by.

Here comes another one.

Oh my God.

It's going over me now.

Kimmy!

What are you doing?

Come here, honey.

Daddy wants to talk to you.

You're not my daddy!

(breathing heavily)

(screaming)

(rumbling)

Hey, get behind the tree.

It worked great last time.

No!

No!

(panting)

(screaming)

Well, she was gonna have to walk home.

Lucky for her she ran into some friends.

You gotta get out of here!

Come on, get out of here!

Get in the car, come on! Get back!

Hurry, they're coming!

They're coming, come on!

Go, go!

(tires screeching)

(slurping)

How's she doing?

I gave her a tranquilizer.

If I had another one, I'd make you take it.

Why don't you just try and believe in what she says?

I don't want to hear anymore of this,

especially from you!

I'm sorry about the camera.

Camera?

She incorporates the fact that the camera

was run over into her fantasy.

What do you mean?

She says that she got everything she saw on tape.

That works for her.

(sniffling)

The camera's ruined,

and I can't prove to her that she didn't.

Goddamn it, Tom.

You were the only person

having a good influence on her.

And now she thinks you believe that too.

Heidi... I'm sorry.

(sniffling)

I don't want to leave her alone.

Ew, I feel itchy just looking at that quilt.

That wallpaper is so loud

it would keep anyone awake.

Heidi, this is the journal that I took from

Doc Roller's lab

that I showed you last night.

Now I fixed Kim's tape

and I want you to watch it.

It's a little screwed up.

I want you to keep an open mind, okay?

Okay, that's what she saw last night.

Tom, this doesn't prove anything,

it's just darkness.

These spots of light could be anything.

Just hold on a second.

Right here.

That!

That's what I saw in the room with Mrs. Santiago.

And that's what's in Doc Roller's journal, Heidi!

Oh my God.

That's one of them, Aunt Heidi.

See?

I haven't been making it up.

**

(tires screeching)

(electrical sparks hissing)

(sparks popping)

Well, now you know why your

cell phone coverage is so crappy.

Tom, be careful.

Brad's right, none of this stuff can be fixed.

We're going to have to hike out of here.

That's crazy, it'll take days

to hike around the mountain to get to a road.

Oh, so what do you want to do?

Just wait here for them to find us?

What about Brad and Frank?

Frank is one of them!

We can't be sure about anyone anymore.

No one's been hurt.

I mean, Thurman's dead, but Doc Roller got him.

Listen, why don't you stop pretending

that everything is going to be okay, okay?

We've got to get out of this valley.

Yeah, go ahead and run away.

That's what you always do, isn't it?

Aunt Heidi!

**

God.

Is it Brad?

No, it's Fraser.

Jesus Christ.

(tires screeching)

Why are you going after Doc Roller? What difference does it make?

Listen, I'm not gonna run away this time.

Brad!

Brad!

Doc's involved in this,

you showed us the journal.

Heidi, Doc didn't kill Fraser.

For Christ's sake,

nobody human can do something like that.

We don't know what we're dealing with!

Doc knows something, Heidi.

He can help us.

Now, I've got to find him.

You two stay here and don't let anybody in here.

You understand me? Nobody!

Good luck, Tom.

**

(mumbling)

(muttering)

Doc.

Oh...

You're one of them.

Just like I figured.

Stay back.

I have my lights, haven't I?

My lights will weaken you

and then I'll chop you to pieces.

I'm not one of them, Doc...

whatever they are.

I'm here to help you.

No.

You... you don't fool me.

They've got you

just like they got Frank and Ed.

Now they ran from the ultraviolet.

Let's see how you like it.

(buzzing)

Oh no, my batteries.

So that's what the lights are about.

Let's see if you bleed chlorophyll.

(trigger clicking)

Well... I'm human.

I don't go without a fight.

Put the hatchet down, Doc.

This one's got bullets in it.

A gun?

Then you're not one of them.

Yeah, and I'm asking the questions now.

Why'd you run Thurman over for?

They did it. Who?

Frank and Ed.

The seedpeople inside them.

I was coming to warn you before it was too late.

Yeah, and I was at your lab last night

and you're trying to sprout another one, aren't you?

No.

The tank was full of herbicide.

That one I killed.

There was only one seed has produced.

Yeah, but the stuff I've seen,

there's got to be more than just plants there.

(laughing)

Plants?

They're the most cunning

and savage of all life forms.

Yeah, but they're rooted, Doc, what can they do?

But seeds.

Seeds are travelers, creepers,

hoppers, parachuters, hitchhikers.

Seeds can chase us.

We are being chased by seeds

which were sewn on the winds of the universe.

This...

is a snapshot of their arrival on planet earth!

**

I thought they were fossilized seeds

from giant prehistoric plants.

I had no idea that they contained

intelligent life forms from another world...

or I would have taken precautions earlier.

You know when...

(computer beeping)

When I was sprouting one...

I discovered that they cannot tolerate

heavy doses of ultraviolet light.

If you are under UV,

they can't enter your mind.

Yeah, but why would aliens turn to seeds?

It's a perfect vehicle for space travel.

Seeds can endure heat and cold and time.

There are lotus plants in the National Arboretum

that were sprouted from seeds

found in King Tut's tomb.

You're no good to me drunk, Doc.

I'm no good either way.

I have unleashed a terrible thing on the world.

Listen, you killed this one

and we can kill the one Burt found.

Now get over here and help me take these lights down.

But there are still three seed creatures.

Radiation may not work.

Listen, what is living can be killed.

Now you said that.

Now help me get these down.

(Tom) Oh my God.

Doc, just stay put.

It's Frank, don't go near him.

Heidi and Kim are in there, for Christ's sake,

so shut up!

You stay put.

**

Hey, no, please, Frank.

Frank, please, please, Frank!

(screaming)

(slurping)

No!

(screaming)

Hey, Peeping Tom,

way not to come to the rescue.

(door creaking)

(engine starting)

(tires screeching)

(Tom) There was nothing I could do but follow them.

(Agent Weems) You had a gun.

Why didn't you try to stop them?

Because I knew the creature was alive inside of Frank

and it would have done no good.

Don't you understand?

You can't kill a cactus with a bullet.

You have to hack it into thousands of pieces.

That's why you have to get back up there now.

Maybe I didn't get them all.

Maybe there are hundreds of more of them

still running around.

Let me go out of this thing!

Come on, take it easy, Tom. Dammit.

We will let you up.

I just have to hear the whole story.

What do you think I am?

Some kind of lunatic or something?

You think I'm hallucinating here

just because I got hit in the head?

Well, I'm not.

This is true, it's real.

I do believe you, Tom.

Now what about Doc?

Did he go with you when you followed Brad and Heidi?

Yeah, Doc was with me the whole way.

Doc.

We followed them out to a place past the substation.

We followed them to a field near Ed Busta's orchard.

What the hell are they doing, planting?

No.

Seeds only grow in deep acid rich topsoil,

like the orchard.

They're digging up another one.

That's not a seed.

It's something huge, take a look at this.

It's a cone, a seed cone.

A cone?

Hundreds of seeds.

They didn't travel here as individual seeds.

They came as components of a larger body.

Hundreds of seeds?

We can't stop them, there are too many.

Wait, wait a minute.

You just said that they can only grow

in the orchard, right?

They can't grow anywhere else in this canyon.

There's not enough topsoil.

So they'll have to go right by the substation.

Come on.

Where? What will we do?

We aren't thinking big enough, Doc, come on.

What the hell is going on here?

We need your lights, Burt.

That's why they never got you.

The ultraviolet makes you immune.

What the dickens have you two been drinking?

Frank, Ed, Mrs. Santiago aren't people anymore.

They've been taken over by some alien life form.

Come from seeds like the one you found.

You're talking about my meteorite?

Your meteorite's not a meteorite.

It's a seed and that's how they got here.

My meteorite's a seed?

You got it.

Okay, that's it.

Both of you out of here before I throw you out.

Hey, Burt! Get out!

Now I mean business here.

I need your herbicides and I need your sprayer.

Now you make the choice.

Make yourselves at home.

Mi casa es su casa.

Burt Mosely learned a long time ago,

don't argue with crazy people carrying guns.

**

Jesus.

Get behind the lights.

Get down.

Get down.

(car doors closing)

We've got to get out of here.

No, I can't.

I've got to have the car, I need those lights, Doc.

Be careful, he's got a gun!

Where are they, Burt?

(chirping)

All right, we're gonna have to run for the truck.

Stay low and behind me.

(screaming)

And remember, kids,

eat your vegetables before they eat you.

(screaming continues)

(engine revving)

(tires screeching)

Okay, Doc, let's get a move on it.

I'm going to need all this wire.

Shh.

They don't even see us.

They see us.

We're just irrelevant.

They see the seed.

They don't like that ultraviolet light.

Don't go, Tom.

I've got to get Heidi.

(groaning)

Tom, look out!

Ow!

(groaning)

(light buzzing)

It's the light.

It's the ultraviolet light.

Tom?

It's okay, I'm here.

Come on, everybody, let's head for the tanning salon.

**

Now boarding

seeds "seeded" in rows one through seven.

Now planting rows "seeded" in

eight through 15.

Eight through 15 only.

That's it.

I think we've made it.

Not yet, Doc. Huh?

I want you to hook these two up here.

Now I'm going to run up on the hill

and pull the electricity down. Okay.

Now boarding all standby "seeding."

All standby "seeding" please.

Heidi, Heidi.

If they discover...

If they discover that we aren't like them...

When I look at Kim and Frank...

They'd like to think that we're still like they are.

Don't show any emotion and don't talk.

(electrical buzzing)

(electrical buzzing)

They're not going by the substation.

Hold on.

I'm going for it!

(engine revving)

(tires screeching)

Doc? Yeah?

Grab hold of one.

All right.

You ready here?

Pull it.

Pull it!

I appeal to you as a scientist, Tom.

Save one of the seeds.

We have to preserve one of them.

Don't start with me now, Doc,

I don't want to hear this!

I know how to control it now.

We don't let it pollinate.

Don't you see, it will be harmless that way.

We don't let it go to seed.

(vehicle approaching)

Just one of them, Tom.

Haven't enough people been killed?

Now when I throw this switch,

you get your butt over there underneath those lights.

Brad, they're still coming.

(tires screeching)

(clanking)

Turn on the lights!

(groaning)

(chirping)

(screeching)

(screeching)

(slurping)

(slurping)

(screaming)

(slurping)

(groaning)

Brad!

(gunshot firing)

(man) Brad?

(grunting)

Uh, could we "axe" you just a few more questions?

(man) Brad, what's going on?

(engine revving)

(groaning)

Oh!

Oh!

(groaning)

(grunting)

(rumbling)

(screeching)

(groaning)

(screeching)

(screeching continues)

(groaning)

And that's when I went out.

And the next thing I knew,

I woke up here in this hospital.

Your medication's wearing off.

Listen, I don't need any more of this medication.

I told you everything that I know!

What are you waiting for?

What's happened to Heidi and the others?

They're okay, Tom.

As a matter of fact, they're waiting in the other room.

Heidi's here?

I want to see her.

Sure, Tom.

Just one more thing.

What happened to Doc Roller

after he grabbed those power cables?

He was electrocuted.

He was burned so badly we couldn't even recognize him.

**

Where's Heidi?

Heidi?

Everything's fine.

Doc Roller is dead.

Then we don't have anyone else to worry about...

do we?

Not anymore.

**

No.

No!

No... no!

No!

No!

You know, if you don't count the similarities,

like the seed pods coming from outer space,

taking over human bodies,

"Seedpeople" is not at all like

"Invasion of the Body Snatchers."

Not at all.

Except for the rest of the similarities.

But the one thing that really made this move stand out

was the giant rolling transforming turd.

(rumbling)

"Seedpeople" went on to sprout several sequels,

including "Seed of Your People,"

"Anna's Clone," "Seediest People,"

starring Gary Busey as himself.

(drumroll)

That sound can only mean one thing.

I've been cancelled.

Or it's time for the 489th Elvi Awards.

Yes, it's the Elvi Award.

Much heavier than the Oscar.

Harder to clean than an Emmy

and much easier to buy than the Golden Globe.

It's the Elvi Awards, brought to you by

insert advertiser here.

And now, here I am, your host and franchise owner,

me, Elvira.

(crowd applauding)

Oh, thank you so much, thank you so much.

Thank you so much in advance

for all the cards and flowers and checks you'll be sending.

(crowd laughing)

Thank you so much for that canned laughter.

Now remember, please participate

in our canned laughter drive

for "kids with no sense of humor" syndrome.

Okay, next card.

No, next one.

No, no, no, the one after that.

Oh, okay, okay.

Now it's time for the coveted Elvi Award.

The Elvi Award goes to the actor whose performance

made me gag with emotion

and choke on my own tears like I was being waterboarded.

And the nominees are...

some old geezer.

What in the ding-dong heckamadoodle hell is that?

The voiceover guy.

(Tom) We followed 'em out to a place past the substation.

And... some guy named Fred.

(gasping)

And the Elvi goes to...

envelope please.

57.92?

Hey, wait a minute, this is my gas bill.

God.

Hand me the other envelope, please?

Thank you.

The Elvi goes to...

Fred!

Oh, I can't believe it.

Well, unfortunately Fred couldn't be with us tonight.

So we're gonna just have to give him a call

and let him know the good news.

I got him on speed dial.

Hello, this is Frank.

Fred, it's Elvira.

Yeah, congratulations, you just won the Elvi.

Uh, we must've lost connection with Fred.

But I'm sure if he were here,

he would love to thank all my adopted children,

Loquesha, Davisha, Cuckaroo and KFC.

Well, now it's time to go to bed.

I love you all so much.

I'll be home soon.

Well, as soon as I get good and drunk.

But if I'm not there to tuck you in

and puke on your pillowcase,

I hope y'all have unpleasant dreams.

**