Original subtitles

**

Whoa, dude! How'd you get here?

I know how I got here-- my car.

Ah! I'm Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

Remember me?

You disgusting pervert!

Oh, you do remember.

Oh, well, I've never disappointed a fan.

I've never disappointed a stranger, for that matter.

And I promise to be

just as disgusting and perverted as ever.

Oh, please, hold your applause,

because I'm not sure what movie I'm gonna play yet.

So just play with yourselves while I, uh, make up my mind.

Let's see what the DVD Devil sent me.

Oh, boy, it's the entire evil movie collection.

Let's find out what's trending in hell this week.

Ooh. "Evil Song" starring Taylor Swift.

"Evil Sarong: Attack of the Smoking Jackets."

"Evil Thong."

Ah, trust me, anything that rides up your crack is evil.

"Evil Gong"?

(gong sounding)

Oh, that sounds annoying.

"Evil Pong"?

Whoa, table tennis played with talking testicles.

Oh, "Evil Schlong"?

Oh, I've seen that one and all its sequels.

Hmm, "Evil Dong," one, two, and three.

Oh, and "Dong of the Dead." Ehh!

Ooh, I can't believe it.

Here is one I have never seen before.

"Evil Bong."

Hmm, wonder what that's about?

It's the bong, man. It's evil.

Well, ask a stupid person, get a stupid answer.

This movie features Tommy Chong--

You know, the unfunny one from Cheech and Chong.

Oh, and, uh, Cheech, if you're watching,

Maury Povich called with the DNA results and you are the father.

You know what DNA stands for?

"Do Not Ask," 'cause most of the time I don't wanna know.

All righty, it's time to get high

with a little help from your friend,

the Harry Potter of potheads,

the Sylvester Stallone of stoners,

the Vin Diesel of vaporizers,

the Tom Hanks of hash,

the Robert De Niro of reefer,

the Spider-Man of Mary Jane,

the Gandhi of ganja,

the man who put the Maui into wowie,

the man who gave Obama the phrase, "Yes, we can-nabis."

The man who has said the word "man" more times

than any man in the history of man,

the one and hopefully the only A-cademy A-weed winner,

Tommy Chong in "Evil Bong."

**

* Whoa no, no, no

* No, no, no

* Oh

* In the morning, in the night *

* When I don't feel so right *

* All through the misty haze *

* The green'o grinding of my days *

* I will smoke to clear my mind *

* Just a puff to help unwind *

* Everywhere I go I take it *

* Oh, it's like I can't escape it *

* Only thing I need, only thing I need *

* Mean green wicked weed

* Heaven from the devil's seed *

* Fiending for it every day *

* You know I want that Mary Jane *

* Mean green wicked weed

* You've got a hold of me *

* Fiending for it every day *

* You know I want that Mary Jane *

* Light the fire

* Spark the tree

* Make it a part of me

* Think of all the life it breeds *

* Just growing from those little seeds *

* I need my smoke today *

* Work too hard, get home late *

* I just need a break

* One more toke that I can take *

* Only thing I need, only thing I need *

What's that?

* Mean green wicked weed

* Heaven from the devil's seed *

* Fiending for it every day *

* You know I want that Mary Jane *

* Mean green wicked weed

* You've got a hold of me *

* Fiending for it every day *

* You know I want that Mary Jane *

**

**

* One-two, one-two y'all *

* Yeah, yeah...

Hello?!

* In my neighborhood, when I woke up *

* Everything was all turning good *

* Listen to my phone left late that night *

Hello?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing, bro?

Are you, like, trying to peep on us?

Oh, no, no, no, no, of course not.

Wait, wait, wait, you're not a narc, are you?

'Cause you kind of look like 5-0.

Narc, I'm afraid, I don't under--

Uh, what are you doing?

Checking you out for a wire.

Oh, I can assure you, I am not a narcotics officer.

I'm here to answer your ad.

Dude, why didn't you say something?

Well, I...

Is the room still open?

It's 40 bucks a week.

Is that cool?

Good times, bro.

Consider yourself a roomie.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, this is all good,

this is all you, this kingdom, this castle.

You are officially a part of the experience, bro.

Yes, well, it's, uh... it's splendid.

Isn't it?

Let me give you the guided tour, come on.

You gotta check this out, this is my favorite part.

Check out this kitchen.

This is where we make all our delectable treats.

Brownies, cookies, etc.

Nice.

Bach-Bach!

Bach, bro!

Oh!

Bach, we got a new roomie, bro.

Uh, Alistair. Alistair McDowell.

Oh, all right.

Yeah.

Call me Bachman, man.

Like the Roman god of partying, I'm always down for a good bash.

Uh, Bachman?

Oh, I believe you mean Bacchus,

the god of wine and revelry.

The Greeks earlier called him Dionysus

and interestingly enough, there's a-- Cool, cool.

Welcome to the pad, Al.

Uh, actually, I prefer Alistair.

Al, you can crash over here, bro.

Uh, I understood that I'd be renting my own room.

Bro...

this is your own room.

Room as in space-- this is your space, all your space.

Hey, because I'm a nice guy...

I'm even gonna throw in a mattress.

Uh...

Just like five bucks extra.

(toilet flushing)

It's peanuts. Yeah, that's...

Brett, you gotta me Al, he's our new roomie, bro.

Alistair. Brett.

Dude...

"Revenge of the Nerds 12" just called.

They're looking for extras.

I beg your pardon?

I mean, take a look at this get-up.

Hell, all you're missing

is the pocket protector and a protraction.

(muttering)

Uh, well, I have to keep up the appearances for the ladies.

Oh, good luck with that, buddy.

First, you might wanna hit the gym.

Do a few curls, rock the crunches.

Pack on the proteins.

You do know what red meat is?

Actually, studies on red meat have found that the carcinogens--

Oh, cinogens, sminogens.

I mean, seriously, look at you, dude.

What are these, arms or dead twigs?

You gotta stay strong, Al, he's just been in a sour mood.

Yeah, man, I don't mean anything by it.

It's just, you know, I'm just saying,

you wanna score... you know, with chicks.

(chuckling) Yeah, yeah.

You gotta work out some.

Check me out.

I never have a problem with the ladies.

Chicks dig the long ball.

(clicks tongue, mimicking bat)

Ohh...

Touch 'em all, Brett, touch 'em all.

(chuckling)

These are his trophy wives.

I-- I mean, guys.

Bachman?!

What's up, bro?

What is this doing here?

(crunching)

Oh, that I got on my trip to Maui, man.

Fuckin' souvenir.

So...

what is it doing here with my trophies?!

It's just sitting there, bro.

That's what shells do.

(laughing)

(all laughing)

This is for my trophies,

not your souve-frickin'-nirs.

(bowl shattering)

Not cool.

(groans)

Great, I can't hear the ocean anymore.

I think you busted it.

Thanks, Brett.

Oh, monkey.

I'll bust you if I find that thing in my trophies again.

Whatever... queer.

These things should be at the campus

in a display case in the entrance hallway

with all the other trophies.

So, uh, you're a baseball player?

Starting pitcher.

Uh, I think he was more of a catcher.

**

(coughing)

Well, I used to be.

(coughing)

Till they sprung a piss test on us by surprise.

They cut me from the team.

I'm fighting it, though.

Oh, no, no, no, thank you, though.

Seriously? Uh, quite.

While I have no objections

to any of you partaking in the activity,

for myself, I find that the, uh, potential damages

aren't worth the risk.

I'm seeking a master's in chemistry

with a bachelor's in metaphysics.

Hard science and the transcendental.

So I'm encompassing both worlds, you see?

And to complete my studies, I will require

that every one of my brain cells is in tip-top condition.

Dude, it's just weed.

Oh, nevertheless.

But please, feel free.

I hate to break it to you, bud, but living here,

second-hand smoke alone

is gonna kill you by, like, a whole bunch of IQ points.

But on the second-hand highs,

I guarantee you play that transportation...

Transcendental.

Yes. (chuckling)

(coughing)

I am certain I'll be fine.

(clearing throat)

Hey, check this out.

(coughing)

With Al's rent, I finally got enough to buy this.

"Large bong for sale.

"Originally purchased in the 1960s in New Orleans.

Recently deceased owner claims it was possessed."

That's wicked. Whoa, dude.

A haunted bong?

It's guaranteed to give amazing highs, bro.

"Seller not responsible for possible bad side effects."

We gotta have it.

We gotta have it.

Oh, don't be a sucker, it's a scam.

Just like that grilled cheese sandwich with Jesus's face on it.

What are you talking about, bro?

That was online, okay?

Everything on that Internet is a scam.

You can't trust anything because that's how the feds

spy on us through our computers.

I must say this ad does sound somewhat suspect.

This is "High Times," fellas, okay?

Everything in here is on the up and up.

Totally.

Whatever. It's your dough, man.

Dude, have them express mail it to the house, ASAP.

'Cause if there's one thing this pad is lacking,

it's a killer fucking bong, man.

(chuckling)

**

* Wake and wake and bake spring break *

* Wake and wake and bake spring break *

(video game beeping)

* Boy, buy me a drink or pass the dank *

* Wake and wake and bake spring break *

* Wake and wake and bake spring break *

* What do it take to make that ass shake? *

* Boy, buy me a drink or pass the dank *

* Panama City, Fort Lauderdale *

* Causing hell, getting thrown in jail *

* Cancun, South Beach, Lake Havasu *

* Spring break, girl, I wanna fuck you *

Larnell! Please.

* I drank too much so now I'm feeling nauseous *

* I drank too much and so I drunk phoned you *

* Gonna bong you in Daytona *

* Breaka-breaka ten four spring break ho *

* Breaka-breaka ten four spring break ho *

* I'm not a ho, don't call me that *

* Just 'cause you did body shots off my back *

Larnell!

* Wet T-shirt contests I'm the best *

* Take my clothes off in Key West *

* Looking at your ass makes me start to think **

Oh! Dude!

You are making it impossible for me to study.

Check it out, bro, I was on level 15, and you just shit on me.

This is the third time in a row I broached the topic.

Now perhaps if you'd listen to me

and instead of playing your games, you'd know how I'd feel.

(knocking on door)

Get that, bro.

(knocking louder)

Are you Larnell?

What do you want, bro?

Package for you.

That box is huge, what's in it?

What's in it?

I don't look in the boxes.

It's against regulations.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, bro, easy.

I'm a professional.

I make over $200 a week.

You look in the box, you get fired.

Larnell, perhaps it's... the item?

Item?

You've been waiting for.

Item I've been waiting for.

Yeah, that's it.

It's the item you've been waiting for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the item I've been waiting for.

There's postage due, friend.

Hey, it's, uh, it's been a bad month, bro.

Can you let this slide a little under the rug?

I'm a professional.

Al, Al, you, uh, spot me a little coin.

Fine. I'll take it off next week's rent.

Fine!

Okay, just last time, bro, last time.

Just, uh...

Thanks, bro.

Oh, baby, baby, baby, come to Daddy.

Hey, Al.

(scoffing) ... istair.

Oh, man, you fronting Lar again?

I thought you were supposed to be smart.

Perhaps you're right, but I'm only trying to help out.

Larnell's financial acumen

leaves something to be desired.

Yeah, he ain't too good with money, either.

You know, believe it or not, he comes from money.

Really?

Oh, his grandpa's loaded.

He's some kind of bigwig lawyer...

until he got creamed by a bus.

That's horrible. Huh?

Oh, no, the old man's still alive, you know.

Crippled and in a wheelchair.

Anyway, you know, he gave Larnell an allowance

till he dropped out of law school and cut him off.

(Alistair) That's unfortunate.

(Brett) Unfortunate?

It's brutal.

Oh, man, the parties we used to have on that dough.

How about some red meat?

Feed that scrawny body instead of that brain of yours.

B, that's what I'm talking about, bro.

Jeez, it's huge.

Look at the beauty, bro, look at the beauty.

Looks like a piece of crap.

Told you it was a scam.

Once again, I'm gonna have to align myself with Brett's opinion.

Dude, it's junk, send it back.

No, no, no, no, don't you see?

It's shaped like a beautiful woman, bro.

You got the tits and the vag.

You're fuckin' nuts.

You two are a cloud of fuck dust.

This is the best investment I ever made in my life, bro.

I say let's fire this thing up.

(inhaling)

Monkey.

Check this out, B.

This thing's hot.

* Take a bong toke

* Take a bong toke, take a toke and another toke *

Let's make him choke.

Flame on.

* Take a bong toke

* Take a toke and another toke *

* Take a bong toke, take a-- take a bong toke *

* I love ripping out of bongs, it gets me so, so high *

* When I take a big toke

* Looks like my eyes start to cry *

* Tears start to swell up when I take a huge hit *

* Of that bong biggie bong diggity dank dank shit *

* Johnny Richter don't quit after one, two, or three *

* I'll take so many bong tokes you might run out of weed *

* Thought you was fuckin' with a rookie but I'm really a king *

* I was just out playing hooky having fun with my team *

* Take a bong toke, take a toke and another toke *

* Take a bong toke, take a-- take a bong toke... **

Awesome, bro.

What's so awesome about it, man?

The ad said amazing highs.

Where's your money back guarantee?

You telling me that's not an amazing high?

Well, sure it's good weed, but you know, I'm just saying.

It's a regular high, same as any other.

A regular high.

The bong's nothing special, man-- you got ripped off.

No way. There's nothing amazing about it.

No way. Hey, every high is amazing.

It's just like there's no such thing as a bad BJ.

Bullshit.

Example, bro.

That redhead, Carla Brewster.

Chick had a set of teeth on her.

Like a school of piranha gnashing on a baby goat.

(sucking)

Oh.

That poor goat.

No, hey, B, let's do another hit, man.

Huh? Oh.

Bro, I said, let's do another hit, come on.

No dice, man.

I'm gonna have to score some more weed tomorrow.

Bummer, bro.

Yeah.

I still say this thing is awesome.

In fact, it's so awesome...

No way, man.

Keep that shit away from my trophies.

Beautiful, right, bro?

Feminine surrounded by masculine.

There's something...

spiritual about it, don't you think?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm feeling it.

I'm definitely feeling it.

**

(snoring)

Whoa, looks like "I Dream of Jeannie" on steroids.

* Nobody else understands

* She's taking you in

* Spinning a devilish grin as she slowly begins *

(snoring)

* She'll take you apart

(whispering) Alive again!

* You'll be shattered on the top *

I need more.

(inhaling)

(exhaling) I need more.

* Broken through walls

* She's always there when you crawl... *

(sighing)

* She floats on a cloud

* Where no other air is allowed *

* She found you in lies

* Until you dare disappearing in front of her eyes... **

Oh! Whoa, hey, watch it, geek.

**

If you're stoned, it seems like 24 minutes.

But if you're not, it seems like 24 years.

* Pass that

* Pass that

* Pass that joint, pass that joint *

* We'll all get high, we'll all get high *

* There ain't no need, no, there ain't no need... *

Bachman, you've done, like, three times as much as me, bro.

Slow it down.

I love it too, man, but moderation, you know?

Shit.

* Pass that *

Dudes.

You guys remember Luann.

Hey, what's up, losers?

This is her friend Janet.

Hi, guys.

That's Bachman over there totally out of it.

This here's Larnell.

And that guy over there?

Al! (water running)

Hi.

Washing his skivvies in the kitchen.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. (girls giggling)

Hey, Janet, so you're a friend of Luann's, huh?

We got a couple classes together.

So how come I've never seen you before?

Dude, just give it up, Larnell, she is so not into you.

What is she, mute or something?

She can't talk for herself?

I know it's a radical concept.

Whatever.

Sorry, Larnell, I am not interested.

(mimicking crashing plane)

Crash and burn, dude. (laughing)

Not at all, B. On the contrary,

this is a breakthrough in communications between the sexes, bro.

Straightforward, no BS, no games.

That's what I'm talking about, Janet.

We're all adults, right, right?

Who wants a brewski?

**

Did get it, mm-hmm.

That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, you don't mind, do you, Bachman?

Whatever.

Thank you.

* I'm so high

* Never ever gonna touch the ground, ground *

Hi there, Janet, Luann.

It's nice to meet you both.

Uh, you must be a cheerleader at the school.

Oh, yeah? And what makes you say that?

Well, your outfit would be the largest indicator.

Dude, this old thing?

No, I just wear this 'cause it, um...

turns him on.

Rah-rah-rah, sis-boom-bah.

So, Janet, you're, uh, you go to the college?

Psych major.

Oh, a fascinating study.

That's one word for it.

I-- I'm in chemistry myself.

Oh, really? Then perhaps, um,

maybe you could explain something, Al.

Alistair... (chuckling) actually.

Okay, Alistair.

I was just wondering, were you in the middle of conducting

a chemistry experiment or are you just happy to see us?

(snickering) That's awesome.

Wow, this kid is foaming at the mouth... down south.

I-- I was merely...

Oh, uh, you don't need to explain. Yeah, it's okay.

Yeah, Al, it happens to the best of is.

No, I was twisting the...

(laughing) Oh, twisting?

Is that what the kids are saying these days?

I just like to say, you know, choking the chicken,

wanking the weasel, packing the meat, you know...

No, I-I-I mean, um--

Oh, but, you know, your hair looks great, too, Al.

Yeah, it's hot.

If you'll just excuse me for...

(chuckling)

You ladies should stay and join us for one more hit.

That's a bong?

(Luann) Dude. It's gigantic.

Yeah, a gigantic outhouse

white trailer trash wouldn't even crap in.

It's so gross.

Hey, dude, "eww" moment.

Eww! That's awful. Eww!

(Brett) Larnell thinks it's a work of art.

Dude, seriously?

It looks like an old, moldy dick.

I ain't suckin' that shit.

Whoa, that's harsh, Luann, even for you.

Yeah, whatever.

Adiós, ladies.

Come on.

We got a party to go to.

Later, dickheads.

(whispering) Bitch.

What was that?

What?

Sounded like somebody just called me something.

I didn't hear nothing.

Don't you even go there, pencil dick.

Not cool, dude.

Bro, it was probably Bachman or something.

(groaning)

Right. Yeah, whatever.

How's my hair?

You look great, babe.

(door closing)

Fuck, man.

**

(whispering) You're mine.

Ohh.

Oh, monkey.

**

Come inside.

Yes.

Inside.

**

* Yeah, I know I got it baby *

* Come and get it, I-Eee-I *

* I know you want it, baby *

* I-Eee-I-Eee-I-Eee-I

* I know I got it, baby

* Come and get it I-Eee-I *

* I know you want it, baby *

* I-Eee-I-Eee-I-Eee-I

(woman's voice) Welcome, welcome!

Make yourself at home. (laughing)

Ooh, we have everything here you desire.

Nice tits. (chuckling) Oh, yeah.

Enjoy yourself, boy.

**

* I know I got it, baby *

* Come and get it I-Eee-I *

* I know you want it, baby *

* I-Eee-I-Eee-I-Eee-I

* I know I got it, baby *

* Come and get it I-Eee-I *

* I know you want it, baby *

Hey, little dude.

Looks like you're having fun.

Whoa, another little dude.

Watch yourself, kid.

Oh, hey, I didn't mean any offense.

I don't mean that. I mean her.

I know a lot about the creatures of the night, kid.

Watch out for that one.

* I know you want it, baby, yeah *

Watch myself. (scoffs)

I think I'll be just fine, thanks.

* I know you want it, baby *

* I-Eee-I-Eee-I-Eee-I *

You like what you see?

Oh, mama.

You wanna see more?

Is a rider stoked to carve a sick barrel?

Translation, babe?

Hell, yeah.

Goth boobs, huh?

That's cool, that's cool.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh! Ohh!

Aah, aah, aah!

Remember, boys, boobs can bite back.

(screaming)

I love you.

Is that puppet doing what I think he's doing?

Oh, monkey.

Nasty.

(whispering) That was tasty.

Hey, Al, pour me a bowl, will you?

Good morning, Brett.

You just getting in?

It must've been quite the soirée last night, huh?

Oh, yeah, hell of a party, too.

You don't know what you're missing out on, Al,

keeping your nose in those books 24/7.

Well, there'll be ample time to party down

when my schooling's finished.

Then what, some big career as a scientist or something?

Something like that, someday.

Yeah?

Yeah, I thought someday I'd be pitching for the Dodgers.

Then I pulled my hammie last season

and the whole drug thing went down.

Take it from me, Al.

Dreams don't always come true.

Don't hit the books so hard.

They hit back and... knock the fun out of you.

Hey, get up, you dipshits, we gotta clean this place up.

This shithole looks like a wreck,

and the chicks are coming over to party tonight.

Will Janet be coming too?

Get up! What's up, bro? Is someone here?

Do I gotta flush the stuff down the crapper?

Relax, man, you're tweaking out, dude.

Everything's cool. I'm cool, bro, I'm cool.

Hey, you too, Bachman, let's go.

I mean it, bro.

Jeez.

He crashed here all night?

How much did he smoke?

A lot, bro.

Does my bong look different?

It's so weird.

Bachman?

Bachman.

Oh, my God, he's expired.

What do you mean?

I-- I mean he's passed on, deceased.

Croaked?

You shittin' me?

Oh, what a buzzkill.

What are you telling me, B?

Larnell, Bachman is dead.

Fuck, bro! What are you telling me?!

Bach, at like fuckin' 20-something, checked out?

Talk to me, B. Give me a monkey, bro.

Give me a fuckin' monkey. Come on, bro.

We'll figure this out, man, we'll figure this--

What are you doing?

Calling the authorities, of course.

Do you think we want the cops here, man?

Take a look around, come on, man.

We got weed coming out of our wazoo.

They will have to be notified, Brett.

Fuck, man, fuck, man, fuck, fuck, fuck, he's dead, bro.

He's on the fuckin' couch.

We can't have the fuckin' cops over here.

I'm just thinking. You're thinking.

We'll figure this out. What is there to consider?

This was obviously some kind of accident, and now he's dead.

After blowing my drug test last night,

I can't be involved with something like this,

accident or not.

We have to call the police.

So not cool, bro.

Dead fuckin' dude on the couch!

I got it.

Larnell, don't Bachman's parents live over in Midvale?

Yeah, bro, Midvale, cute little house, white picket fence.

We used to play catch when we were just little dudes

in the fuckin' backyard, bro.

Here's the plan.

We wait till it's dark.

We drive him over there.

We drop him off at the curb, man.

No fuss, no muss.

You can't be serious.

That's what mobsters do after a hit.

They, they drop the body off at a loved one's house

to serve as a warning.

Man, that's a good idea.

Yeah, drop and blame it on the mob.

I knew that noggin of yours was gonna come in handy, Al.

That's not what I meant.

Lar, give me a hand, man.

This is the best thing for him.

Besides, he won't want us to get in any kinds of trouble.

Will you two just stop and think for just one moment?

(knocking on door)

What the hell?

Somebody's at the door.

Go see who it is.

Not you, man.

What if it's the cops, bro?

It appears to be an elderly gentleman with a wheelchair.

Holy shit, bro, it's my grandpa.

What the hell's he doing here?

Just shut the fuck up, maybe he'll go away.

(man) Larnell!

I can hear you in there, you fool!

(knocking on door)

What do we do? Hide him.

(knocking continues)

Have you two gone completely insane?

(knocking on door)

Open up this door instantly, you cocksuckers!

Hold him off, Al.

Uh... (stammers)

Larnell is indisposed at the moment.

Well, get him disposed, God damn it!

He'll be with you shortly.

(knocking continues)

Hey, Gramps, what a cool surprise.

Hey, Cy, it's great to see you.

Ah, shut up, you pathetic louts.

Moronic pricks.

Miscreants, all of you.

Where's the other one?

The, uh, the surfer.

Bachman?

Oh, he just up and moved out.

You know, kind of a drag.

(both) Yeah.

Moved out, did he?

Well, good riddance is what I say.

Just an utter waste of human skin.

About as much use as a soiled tampon.

Who's this?

You're new here.

Uh, Alistair McDowell, sir.

It's a-- it's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, you seem different than the others.

Clean cut, well mannered.

Uh, marked improvement.

Yeah, yeah, Al's really great, Grandpa.

Even helps me with my studies and all.

Ha! Ah ha.

That's a wasted cause if ever there was one.

Got a mind like a urinal cake.

So, uh, what brings you down here anyway, Grandpa?

I came to introduce you to your new grandmother.

You mean, you finally remarried, huh?

I did indeed, my boy.

Indeed I did!

So what's she like?

I mean, with your dough, you could've got anyone.

Oh, she's a catch. (laughing)

And I'm not the only one that had my eye on her, either!

(all laughing)

The lodge was abuzz!

All the boys wanted a crack at her.

(laughing)

So-- so where's she at?

She's parking the car. She'll be right up.

Is she hot?

Oh... she's a looker.

(chuckling) That's for certain.

Oh, that's so cool!

You know, I was hoping you'd hook up

with some big-titted bimbo that I could bang on the side.

You disgusting pervert!

Oh-ho.

I only hope that one day convicts

will feast upon your scrotum sack.

You know, bro, I was just kidding around.

You don't gotta come at me like that, Grandpa.

Is your mind perpetually in the gutter?

You useless vulgar douchebag.

This is your new grandmother we're talking about,

not some two-bit loose floozy for you to defile

with your nasty little penis.

No-good worthless enema bag--

So Cy, where, where'd you meet the little lady?

Well... I was inspecting my, uh, gyms

that I own down on the west side.

She was on the, uh, on the racquetball court.

(chuckling) Oh.

She caught my eye immediately.

Oh, the way she slammed that ball.

Her body, lithe and aggressive.

Vibrant and sensuous.

Oh... (chuckling)

Boys, I want you to meet...

Dame Rosemary Cornwallis.

**

Ooh, Gramps' new wife must be really hot.

Or maybe not.

* Let me please you

* Wanna make you pay for more so I'll tease you *

* It's like fever...

Oh, my God.

* Let me please you

* Wanna make you pay for more so I'll tease you *

**

* Want me to dance for you? I'll shake it all for you *

* You can't keep away once you've seen my moves... *

Bro, that's your wife?

Oh... (chuckling)

Isn't she a beaut? (laughing)

Dude, she can hardly walk.

Oh, she's fine.

It's just, uh, close to her nap time, that's all.

Darling.

Would you like some tea, ma'am?

No, thank you.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's a little spent, that's all.

This morning, she and I had ourselves a go.

(chuckling)

A go?

You wouldn't believe what a vixen she is in the sack!

(laughing)

Well, I'm gonna take myself a quick dump,

and then Rose and I will be on about our business.

Leaving you three to do...

whatever it is you do.

Let met get that for you.

I'm perfectly capable of taking care

of this myself, you Cro-Magnon.

Now why don't you limp dicks clean this pigsty up?

Miserable bunch of no-account cocksuckers!

(grumbling)

Fuck, bro. Jesus Christ.

**

What's this all about?

I'm not entirely devoid of surprise.

Shit, man, I thought they'd never leave.

Can you believe the dude actually sleeps with that weathered bag?

She's so old, I bet when she opens her legs,

moths fly out of her snatch.

I think I'm gonna be ill.

Dudes, pact.

Pact.

We never speak of this again.

Never.

But back to the business at hand.

What are we gonna do about Bachman?

Yeah, what did you do with her?

Her who?

My bong, bro.

Your bong's a "she"?

What'd you put her over here for?

Well, you told me to hide her, or it--

Not on the fuckin' ground behind the couch.

Show a little respect, bro.

How can you even think about getting high at a time like this?

Are you kidding me? It's all I can think about.

The old man was stressing me out big time.

He almost found Bachman.

Well, speaking of that.

What if something's wrong with the marijuana?

What do you mean?

Hey, bright boy might have a point here.

What if Bachman's dead 'cause the weed's bad?

I smoked it, too.

(Alistair) But not as much.

Dude, it can't be the weed.

No weed on earth could kill Bachman.

You know, come to think of it,

remember Luann took some last night.

We all smoked it, and we didn't croak.

Can't be the weed, bro.

Oh, shit, the girls are coming over.

Oh, man, we gotta get this place clean.

First thing we gotta do is dump Bachman somewhere.

We are not dumping him anywhere.

We can't leave him here.

Don't get me wrong, dude.

Bachman's a great guy, you know, dude.

But he doesn't care what happens to him anymore.

How about we store Bachman downstairs,

just for tonight, man, and we can have our little party.

Then in the morning we'll bring him up,

put him on the couch, you know?

And we'll call the cops then.

But the medical examiner will know

that he's been dead for more than 24 hours.

I mean, how are we supposed to explain that?

I don't know, we'll just say he was sleeping, man.

Dude crashed for days when he got baked, man.

I mean, what's-- what's the big mystery?

I suppose.

Of course you suppose, man.

We can sell that to the cops easy, man.

Look, first thing we gotta do is get this place cleaned up, man,

and get you all spiffed up.

What's the point?

She probably doesn't even know my name.

What's the point?

What's the point, man?

Lousy fuckin' attitude, bro, man.

Have a little backbone, man.

How about some stones, bro?

Dude, I'm gonna be off with Luann

getting me a piece of that action.

You've got the best chance in the whole world

to score with Janet.

But-- But I-- I totally embarrassed myself in front of her.

Are you kidding, man? She thought it was--

She-- she thought it was cute, dude.

I saw her giving you the "fuck me" eyes.

Really?

Big time.

A guy like me doesn't have a chance with her.

She's too brainy, you know, but...

Luann on the other hand, well...

She's about as smart as a box of doorknobs.

Janet's an egghead, you know, like you.

You got a lot in common.

She did seem rather bright.

You're gonna get laid tonight, my friend.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, great, then it's settled.

Let's get the stiff downstairs.

**

Larnell.

Oh, Larnell.

**

Wicked stuff.

(chuckling)

Feeling good, Larnell?

She can talk.

Hmm, damn straight, baby.

One more toke, Larnell, just one.

You got it, baby.

Come on, Papa.

I'm coming.

Closer.

I'm coming hard.

Take me, take me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby. Come on!

Take it, take it!

(exhaling) Yeah.

Mmm.

Mmm-mm-mmm.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah, "fuck" indeed.

Get up now.

I said, get up!

Mmm. (groans)

Sit back, baby, ready for the ride!

Some good shit.

Damn straight.

Real good. (moans)

Oh, yeah, honey, come to Mama.

Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Oh, yeah...

Oh, these scenes were shot on location in "Pole-land."

* Everybody get on up, yeah *

* Ahh...

* Get on up

* Make your booty jump

* Shake your booty, you got to move me *

* Boy, you gotta bring it, find the groove and really feel it *

* Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick *

Oh, my sweet God.

* Bounce, bounce, make it count *

* Shake your booty, you got to move me... *

Dude!

Dude!

Dude, I thought you were dead.

Dude, don't insult me.

Do I look dead?

Dude, you look good.

Have fun in here.

This place is awesome.

It's awesome.

Ta-ta.

Dude.

Dude?

Hey-hey, hot stuff.

Ha ha! Welcome, Larnell.

We have everything here that you desire.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah?

Then how about we change up these tunes?

I wanna hear some rock 'n' fuckin' roll!

Ooh, I love it when you talk that way.

(rock music playing)

Rock it, baby, rock it!

Oh, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's fake boobs.

Uh, make that two things.

* 12:45 and I'm sleeping in *

* Looks like I missed the bus again *

* Don't really go to school anymore anyway *

* So I spend my time just getting high *

Double awesome.

Pretty fuckin' hot. Oh!

Uh, make that three things.

A talking turd in a bowtie.

I'd like to bite me off a piece of that pastry.

Oh, yeah. (chuckling)

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Oh, I love it.

Touch me in the doughboy, ohh.

Find the chestnuts, oh, oh.

Uh-oh, I'm gonna cream!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Oh, no!

You twisted deviant.

What the fuck are you doing here, old man?

You know, you're turning this into a bad trip real fast.

Ever since you were a toddler,

that day I walked in and found you

sucking on your dirty diapers,

I knew then that you'd grow up to be a grade "A" ignoramus.

A lot better than being a grade "A" ignor-anus like you, Skeletor.

I suppose that dancing harlot up there is your kind of woman.

Are you kidding me? This chick is awesome.

You should've married a chick like this

instead of that dusty old vaginal scab.

What?

I mean, that bitch is more fucked-up

than any mummy movie I ever saw.

I'll teach you some respect, you insolent little cocksucker.

Eebee, can I get a hand here?

Oh, yeah, baby, ha!

Oh, oh!

(Eebee) Ciao-ciao! (crashing)

Now that's what I'm talking about.

You got it, my man, you got it.

(laughing)

Come here, baby, I have a surprise for you.

Are you about done with your fun?

Baby, the fun's just getting started.

That's what I'm talking about.

Nemo.

Mmm.

Just when you think it's safe to get back in the water.

I got a big enough boat for those fish.

Get out your pole, baby.

Whoa, it's "Jaws" in double-D.

It's kind of weird and kinky.

Aah! Aah, aah!

(laughing)

(screaming)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(knocking on door)

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Stop, stop, stop.

Janet, come here.

Dudes, don't tell me you losers actually cleaned this place up?

Of course, we knew you were coming over.

Ohh, I'm gonna call Ripley.

Mwah.

(indistinct chatter)

Dude, where's Bachman?

Uh, Bachman, he's uh--

He-- he's dead tired.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's-- he's dead tired.

He's laying low tonight.

Yeah, that's it.

Good evening, Janet.

Glad you could make it.

Hi Alistair, nice jacket.

Oh, well, uh, I had to be presentable.

After all, this is a special occasion.

It is?

Uh, of course.

Any time a lady of your, uh, learning and beauty

crosses the-- the threshold of this house

is a special occasion.

I'm guessing there aren't

any more like you back home, are there?

Yeah, let's hope not.

**

Go ahead and move for us, Janet.

This is for the win.

We are kicking your butts.

I can't believe I'm playing this stupid game.

I must be bored off my ass.

Oh, yeah, dude,

but they're never gonna get this one.

Okay, you guys ready?

What important document of 1783

was signed by Benjamin Franklin and other Founding Fathers?

That's easy-- the Constitution.

Oh! Whoo!

Wait, wait, wait a minute, Janet, wait a minute.

I believe that the Constitution was even later.

1787, but--

(both) The Treaty of Paris.

You're right, that was in '83.

That's our answer, the Treaty of Paris.

They win.

Yeah, but we're prettier. That's right, we're so hot.

It's all about teamwork. Mwah.

Dude, congrats on the win, seriously.

(loud belch)

Ah, flatulence humor.

The comic allure of intestinal gas.

What are friends for, bud?

Hmm, you're right, of course.

Hmm, you guys, now let's get this party started, whoo!

Okay.

* You know I like, I like the way you feel, ah *

* When I inhale the sweet scents, Amelia *

* When the rain falls from the sky... *

(coughing)

* Sun shines down into my eyes *

Absolutely.

* You know that Rona will be smoking *

* Fat blunts like they roll up in Oakland *

* It all starts from a little seed... **

Oh, no, thank you.

Al won't touch the stuff.

He's worried about his brain cells.

And I keep telling him he's got plenty.

He can waste a few of them.

Remember what Abraham Lincoln said.

"A man who has no vices has very few virtues."

Ah, she's got you there, Al.

(laughter)

* Whoa, whoa

* Tonight, tonight, tonight *

* Who's down to fuck tonight

* Ooh, she was looking real sexy *

Babe, babe, babe, slow down.

What's wrong? what's wrong?

No, no, just give me a minute, you know?

I like to mellow out when I'm stoned.

If that's what you want.

Huh? Okay, okay.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I got my favorite.

Oh, yeah, my favorite.

Oh, yeah. (moaning)

Oh, the twister!

Oh, the twister!

(moaning)

Oh, babe. Oh, babe.

I know what's gonna turn you on.

I know what's gonna turn you on.

I'm horny, I'm horny.

(grunting)

I'm horny, I'm horny!

(grunting)

I'm horny, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

(moaning) Oh, yeah.

(blowing)

(sputtering)

Do you want some hot love, huh?

Do you-- Oh! Oh!

(panting)

(groaning)

I know what's gonna turn you on.

I know what's gonna make you so crazy.

I know what's gonna make you

feel like a chocolate sprinkle Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

* Who's down to fuck tonight

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Uh, honey, that's a pogo, not a dildo.

Oh, yes!

(shrieking)

All right! All right!

* The things girls will do can be so fuckin' amazing *

* When the night gets raging they start feeling strange... *

Listen, Larnell, okay?

Honey, you either get it up,

or I'm gonna tell the rest of the team

that you are going faggot.

(panting)

(moaning)

* And if Richter's in the house then things are happening *

* I like bad-ass bitches that drive for five hours *

* To come get a nut, take a shower and bounce **

**

* Oh, yeah

Well, I am so glad we're able

to spend some time together, Janet.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, so, um--

How-- how is school going?

School's school.

Oh.

Uh, do you, uh--

Um, uh, what else do you do, Janet?

No...

I mean, for fun, er...

A girl's gotta have some secrets.

I've gotta keep a little bit of mystery.

Like you, Alistair, dark, mysterious.

Uh, yeah.

Mysterious, well, uh, hey, but I--

I've often thought of myself as, uh...

quite the magnetic.

Oh, I must say, Janet.

This is a-- this is a side of your personality

I wasn't expecting.

Oh, no, when I get high, I let the walls down.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Well, that's fascinating.

Uh, what, um, what--

* Every room in the place

* Yeah, you been bad, but I'ma treat you good *

* And I'ma show you how we do it up in Hollywood *

* Blowing up the spot everywhere that we go *

* I got everybody jealous of my freak-ass ho *

* This is a freak show, you never telling me no *

* Up for experimentation when we go on a vacation... **

What's wrong?

He's dead.

Oh, my God.

Just like Bachman.

Uh, I thought you said Bachman was just--

Well, we-- we sort of fibbed.

What happened?

I'm not exactly sure.

Hey, Brett.

They're stoned out of their minds.

It's different again.

What do you mean?

The bong.

It changed after Bachman died.

And now it's changed again.

It changed after they smoked from it?

They smoked from it...

then they died...

and then it changed.

That doesn't make any sense, it isn't logical.

No, no, no, it's not logical.

I mean, certainly not in terms of the physical world, it's not.

But I believe now we're dealing

with worlds beyond the physical.

You mean spiritual, transcendental.

Transcendental, exactly.

When Larnell purchased this bong,

the ad warned the user against possible bad side effects.

But it's obvious.

They weren't warning the user against substandard drugs.

They were warning the user against this bong.

But I smoked from it, too.

Look.

(Eebee) Ha-ha!

Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

Oh, my God.

What is this place?

Must be the weed.

This is seriously not-- Awesome.

This is so not my style. Oh, my goodness.

Hey, who's high is this anyways,

yours or mine?

Ew, ugh, I feel so disgusting.

Yes, make out.

That's my style right there, oh, God, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Hot, too. This is hot.

How do you open this thing, like, do they have some really--

(laughing)

(gasps)

(laughing)

Okay, we are leaving like right now.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Quit your nagging.

No, I mean it, ass--

Stop! Oh, my God! Larnell!

God, you are a drag.

(screaming)

Have fun, bitch!

**

Now we can ourselves a party, ladies.

Carla, Carla Brewster?

It is you.

Well, well, hi, Brett.

Long time no see.

I think the last time I saw you,

you were supposed to give me a call.

Well, you know, I mean, I was busy doing things and shit.

I mean, you know how it gets, girl.

Damn, you really filled out nice.

What are you doing here?

What does it look like I'm doing here?

No kidding.

Oh ho ho, hot damn.

I'm between sets right now.

On my break.

But I suppose I could give you a little taste.

For old time's sake.

**

* Damn

* Can't wait to get your sweet lips *

* I'm already...

Those are a goof.

It's kitschy.

I thought you'd like them.

I heard what you said to your buddies about me earlier.

About my technique.

Oh, that, you know, I was just kidding around.

You know me, babe.

Uh-huh.

Let me show you what I've learned.

(zipper unzips)

What was it that you said?

Look a school of piranhas eating a baby goat?

Huh?

(screaming)

(laughing)

Ah, yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

She's changed again.

I mean, it's changed again.

After they smoked from it.

You'll be okay, you only took one hit.

Baby, that's all it takes! Uhh!

Do you hear that, or am I stoned?

I definitely heard it.

And my faculties are not impaired.

The more you do, the more I take.

(laughing)

All right.

We are certainly dealing with something abnormal here.

But I think if we just reason it out-- Janet!

I'm so sleepy.

Stay with me, Janet.

What's going on, what are you doing to her?

It's not what I've done, but what I am about to do!

(laughing)

Wake up, Janet, wake up.

Wake up.

Please.

Tommy Chong's here.

Let's see how many times he says "man."

I've been looking all over for you, man.

There you are.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Jimbo, man.

That's my bong.

It's your bong?

I thought the ad said that the owner was deceased.

(chuckling)

No, that's my wife, man, she--

Wishful thinking on her part.

No, man.

Well, then perhaps you can explain what's going on here?

It's the bong, man.

It's evil.

Well, if it's dangerous,

then why'd you put it up for sale?

I didn't put it up for sale, man, my wife,

she sold it, man.

I had it in storage.

She sold all my shit, man.

Sold my Hot Wheels collection.

Man, I miss those little cars.

How do we stop it?

Stop what?

The bong?

I don't think it can be stopped, man.

The guy that sold it to me said that it had

some voodoo curse on it or something, you know?

I thought he was just trying to make a sale.

But it killed all my friends, man.

And it almost got me.

Well, it got all my brain cells.

But that's okay 'cause I wasn't using them anyway.

Well, you have to help me save Janet.

Did she take a hit?

I'm afraid so.

Then it's too late, man, she's already there.

There?

Yeah. Where's there?

There is where you go when you take a big bong hit, man.

I've been there, man.

You don't come back from there.

Well, I did, but, man, I was lucky.

If you made it out alive, then so can she.

I have to go in after her.

I don't know, man.

Sure you wanna do this?

It's the honorable thing to do.

If you're gonna go in, you better take these.

What are they?

I'm not sure.

I think they're vitamins.

But it's your only chance.

All right.

Now if you'll please, uh, assist me with, uh, this thing.

Well, it's easy, man, you just...

(lighter clicking)

... you suck, you don't blow.

That's all.

Now suck it up, toke it up.

Come on, toke it up.

(bubbling)

(coughing)

Hmm.

Well, uh--

I don't, uh, particularly feel the--

You did it again.

Hey, hey, Jimbo, baby.

Long time no see!

Baby, you look fucked-up.

No thanks to you.

Oh, now, come on, go ahead.

You know you want a hit.

You know you do.

Come on.

I missed you, man.

I know you did, you motherfucker.

(chuckling) Yeah.

Take me, come on, take me.

No, no, no-no.

Why?

I didn't-- No, I didn't come here to get high.

Uh-uh!

Say, well, why did you come here then?

(chuckling)

"Huh-huh" yourself.

Where you going? What you--

I come to take you out, bitch.

(laughing)

Oh, honey, please.

* We hittin' that, we spittin' that *

* My click is on fire

* We rollin' that, we kickin' that *

* We spittin' that

* Potluck is on fire

* You know how we do

* I ain't a mad rapper *

* This is how we do

* MC with a temper *

Alistair, baby, what a shocker.

So glad you could come.

You can dispense with the social niceties.

I'm here for one thing only.

To rescue Janet.

(laughing)

Oh, you poor, pathetic little geek.

You have no chance.

Well, we'll just see about that.

You-- you accursed narcotic paraphernalia!

Way harsh, baby.

If you wish, this can be

a very pleasant thing for you, Alistair.

Relax, baby. Let it--

Let it go.

Uh-huh. Feels good, right?

Yeah, mmm-mmm-mmm.

I shall not!

Oh, come on... come on, baby!

Why the negative vibes, Al?

You got to let yourself go!

Come on, those girls, they want you, baby,

they want you!

You're gonna die, you evil bitch.

Ha! Try again!

What?

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

(cackling)

You can't get me. Oh-ho-ho.

Oh, you wanna play rough, do you? Okay.

Come on, come on. Let's play rough.

Bring out your bring guns, come on!

(chainsaw revs)

Oh, yeah?

Take this! Uh-oh.

Whoo!

Whoo!

I love me some power tools, yes!

(cackling)

Okay, girls, work him.

Work him, work him, it's working.

Go, go, go, yes, deep, uh-huh.

No... no!

I will not succumb to your bewitching charms.

And it's not Al.

It's Alistair.

Al? Al? Al! Al!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, that blonde chick's got a nice set of teeth, huh?

Uh, I suppose.

You don't know where the exit is, do you?

I think it's that way.

Got a light?

I don't smoke.

That's some do you got there.

Dry hair's for squids.

Thanks.

**

Al? Al!

Al, come back.

Al, come back. Al!

Oh, come on, girls, what happened?

You let him get away!

(giggling)

* Take that shirt and strip it off *

* Take that skirt and strip it off *

* It ain't gonna hurt, just strip it off *

* Strip it off, strip it off *

* Take that bra and strip it off *

* Take them drawers and strip 'em off *

* Take it all and strip it off

* Strip it off, strip it off *

* With a pole that could be up in the fire department *

* And every time I see you things a-poppin' *

* They get up out the show with your own apartment *

* They gotta lap on, put your ass up on it *

* When you bend over, that's the right position *

* 'Cause I'm the CEO off the booty commission *

* I ain't just the president, I'm a member too *

* But when you working that shit I remember you *

* And how could I forget

* You got an ass like a motherfuckin' jumbo jet *

* And you ain't taken a thing off yet *

* Put your clothes on then we'll put em on again *

* So strip it off, rip it off... *

Janet!

Hey, wait your turn, brother.

I'll dance for you in a minute.

What?

I'm afraid you got the wrong idea, man.

I'm a red-blooded male through and through,

and I demand that you step away from this lady.

Whoo! Say what?

Cease and desist your offensive gyrations immediately.

Oh, hi, Alistair, how you doing, cutie?

What if the lady here doesn't want me to stop?

Then I'll have to make certain that she does.

Ooh.

* Take them clothes and strip 'em off *

* Take it all and strip it off, strip it off... **

(chainsaw revving)

Ohh.

I told you it wouldn't work, Jimbo.

(cackling)

Well, I guess we're gonna have to take this up a notch.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, shit.

What you got there?

Oh, you sound worried.

N-Now, you don't wanna do that now.

You don't wanna make me angry.

(smoke hisses)

Ooh, that's some good shit, man.

Oh, yeah, baby.

You're not the only one who can take it up a notch.

What is that, B.C. bud?

Fuckin'-A.

Mmm, oh.

You think you're gonna get me this way?

Hey, man, I built up resistance over the years, man.

Uh-huh.

It's gonna take a lot more than--

than this little weak shit to get me.

Uh-huh.

(coughing)

Oh, sounds like old times, Jimbo baby.

Oh, yeah, you call that a notch, man?

(inhaling)

Oh, oh, no, no.

This ain't gonna get me, man.

I built up-- I built up a resistance.

I can-- I can...

Jimbo. (sighing)

Jimbo, baby.

Oh, no.

You're mine, baby. I can-- I can...

You're mine, you're mine!

Admit it, admit it, you're mine.

Oh, that's some good shit.

(laughing) Yes, baby.

* Ooh la, la

* Ooh la, la

* Ooh la, la

* Ooh la, la, la

* Ooh, la, la

* Ooh la, la Oh, yeah.

Work it ladies, work it now, come on.

* Ooh la, la, la

Make it happen, un-huh.

Alistair, why do you wanna leave?

This place is so great!

(laughing)

That's the drugs talking, Janet.

Oh. It's the bong talking.

(Eebee) Listen to her, Alistair.

You two could be very happy here together.

No, that's the bong talking.

(laughing)

We're getting out of here.

And we're leaving right now.

Okay, ohh...

**

Hey, watch the suit, boyo.

Who are you?

Pipe down, clown,

I'm the one asking the questions here.

Do you know where we are?

No-- Well, do you, don't you?

(stammering) I, uh, I... I don't--

You better answer me or I'm gonna work on you

with a car battery and a grapefruit spoon.

(laughing)

That's very funny.

You're funny.

Hey, look, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.

But if you find a way out, will you tell me?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, thanks a lot.

(laughing) A grapefruit spoon, that's very funny.

(laughing)

A grapefruit spoon. Janet, please listen to me.

I implore you.

You have been overcome by an evil power.

You must resist it.

You can use your mind.

That intelligent brain of yours.

There you go, that's it.

There is no force in the world that can't be overcome

by common sense and sheer logic.

(laughing)

You're hilarious.

And you're so cute, you're so cute, cute.

(giggling)

Please, Janet.

That's enough, Janet!

Bring him to us!

What is it you want?!

Isn't it obvious, Alistair?

Use that egghead of yours.

The more you toke from me, the more powerful I become.

Soon I will control the world,

a great, big, beautiful, stoned world

with pot smoke clouds and oceans of bong water.

And is there really anything so wrong with that, huh?

People should have the right to get high when they want

and if they want.

You're nothing but a hopped-up imperialist.

Uh-oh. A ganja-headed dictator.

Oh, no.

No, this is America.

Land of the free!

Free to get high on our own discretion.

And not on the whim of some-- some glass-blown witch!

You better back up, boy!

You better mess with me--

Well, if I can't, then Jimbo certainly will.

Jimbo? Ha!

That pathetic Deadhead has no chance, either.

Please.

(coughing)

Oh, man.

(chuckling)

Oh, you think you got me, man,

but I told you, I built up a resistance, man.

I'm telling you, nothing can faze me, man.

(cackling)

See ya!

Alistair, I'm all horny.

Janet.

Ooh. Let's play a game.

Ooh, I like games.

Great.

Uh... close your eyes.

And open your mouth.

Oh, you're a naughty boy.

* Rappers in the head with the mic during freestyle wars *

* And get thrown out the doors *

What was that?

Uh, just a mint.

I-- I'm sorry to say,

you had a mild case of halitosis.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry, give me another one.

* About what the fuck is going on out there *

* You like that, fuck you, we like it like that... **

(crunching)

These don't taste like mint.

Wait a minute, what-- what is this?

Just a few vitamins.

A few?

Hey... what's the big idea here?

Oh, oh, no, I-- I didn't do that.

I would never take advantage of a lady

when her faculties have been compromised.

Okay.

(Eebee) That's not what I heard.

And where are we?

I'm not exactly sure.

But now that the effects

of the marijuana are wearing off,

I think we'll be able to get out of here finally.

(door opening)

Jimbo. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, she got me, man.

She broke out the good stuff.

BC bud, man, I couldn't resist.

Oh, no, we've already taken the vitamins you gave us.

Do you have any more?

No.

It's okay, I don't need 'em.

Well, maybe you'll still make it.

Come with us. No... no, no, no.

You guys get out of here.

I got a little surprise for that little bitch.

Thanks, Jimbo, for everything.

Hey, my pleasure, man.

Hey, so... no, go on, beat it.

Okay, you little bitch, I'm coming to get you.

Come on then, come on!

I can take you.

I can take you with my hands tied behind me.

Come on, come on!

You know you're not gonna win, Jimbo, baby, huh.

Yeah, but I ain't gonna lose, either.

Put this in your pipe, you evil bitch.

Oh, no.

No, no! (beeping)

Nooooo!

(explosion erupts)

**

(both laughing)

Oh, Janet, I'm so glad you're okay.

I believe it's finally over.

We're finally safe.

What about them?

Look.

* Can you take me higher *

Dudes, trippy stuff,

but I was just completely under, completely, bro.

(both laughing)

Oh, man, I'm thrashed.

How long have we been out of it?

You two are looking awfully cozy.

Yeah, didn't I tell you you'd score?

Well, maybe sometimes dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I just had the weirdest one,

but I can hardly remember it now.

It's like I got some of that crazy backwater

sloshing around in my skull.

Dudes!

I just woke up in the basement underneath a pile of trash.

We must've had one sick party last night, man.

W-Wait a minute.

Where's Jimbo?

He destroyed the bong, but he--

He must've perished in the attempt.

Truly a hero's demise. Mm-hmm.

**

Hey, Jimbo. Hey, Jimbo.

Hey, what's up?

Whatever you want.

You're in charge now.

Really? It's all yours.

No shit?

No shit, Jimbo.

Tell us what you want.

(chuckling)

What do I want?

You know what I want?

I want you girls to play with my... Hot Wheels.

One for you and one for you and one for you and one for you.

Okay, everybody's got Hot Wheels.

Okay, they go, vroom, vroom, vroom.

Vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom. Vroom...

Oh, this one's got a big mountain to climb.

Vroom! It's a tough one.

Oh, is he gonna make it, is it gonna make it?

No, he come back down.

Vroom. Oh, now we're over here.

Ohh.

(giggling)

Right through the mountains.

Ooh.

Oh, we're going down into the bush area.

(gasping) You are so right, Tommy.

Oh, man, Hot Wheels are so hot.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, no brakes.

Whoa, look out for the mammary wall.

(mimicking tires screeching)

(crash sound effect)

Well, I don't know about you,

but I just got a contact high from watching that movie.

You know, they say that smoking pot

is bad for your memory.

Thank God, because this was one movie

I cannot wait to forget.

Remember there was that one part where, uh, uh...

Oh, and then there was that other part

where the guy was...

The, uh...

Uh, well, I'm not exactly sure what happened

because I got the munchies

and I forgot to put it on pause.

Oh, but my favorite part, I'll never forget because,

uh, basically I have no recollection of what happened.

Um, that's what sets this movie apart from all the others.

After it's over, you can't remember a part of it.

(doorbell chimes)

Oh, boy, oh, I hope that's the delivery boy

with the item I've been waiting for.

Yeah, that's it.

It's the item you've been waiting for.

(gasping)

Whoa!

Dude, it's my Evil Bong.

Oh, my gosh, kids, don't try this at home.

Come over to my house and try it.

(bubbling)

Whoa, man.

I forgot what I was supposed to say next.

Oh, yeah, man, now I remember.

Unpleasant dreams...

man.

(squealing)

Oh, Lordy, nobody told me I was gonna be on no Elvira show.

I thought I was showing up for Oprah.

Damn, is this scale?

Nobody told me I was gonna get scale.

I thought I was gonna get at least 10% for my agent.

Ooh, they gonna call me, they gonna dump me.

I know they gonna dump me.

Does this make me look fat? I look fat on that monitor.

Oh, no, they say the camera adds ten pounds.

I should totally cut off the munchies, oh, Lordy.

I should totally cut off the munchies, oh, Lordy.

(announcer) Coming soon from Full Moon Horror.

**

(doorbell chimes)

Yeah?

Larnell, it's Alistair.

Give me some knucks.

Booyah.

Man hug, come on.

Oh, oh.

How can you smoke that?

I mean, after everything that happened?

It wasn't the weed, it was the bong.

That evil fuckin' bong.

Monkey.

Is this what you were telling me about?

I think he's got something wrong with him.

You seen Brett lately?

I don't know what it is, man.

I can't stop eating.

It's the exaggerated side effects of smoking pot.

Dude, it's what I was trying to tell you.

My sexual urges make me pounce like a fuckin' cougar.

Get off of me, you freak!

It's the bong, bro.

She's the one doing this fuckin' shit to us, we gotta stop it.

**

Never trust your wiener.

* Going to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa, I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* You and me we've been together for a long time *

* And your intoxicating scent makes me feel right *

* And I don't care that you've been *

* Passed around a couple times

* Or that my brother brought you home with him the other night *

* 'Cause you and me we got a special bond *

* And that'll never break

* You make me feel higher than a kite *

* I might just fly away

* Mrs. Green, I guess that's kind of why *

* I'm writing this today

* 'Cause everything is so intense *

* I think I'm gonna need a break *

* Ooh ooh ooh, yeah, you got me *

* Ooh ooh ooh, where you want me *

* Ooh ooh

* Can't you see it's you, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* I know it was my first time to meet you *

* But now that I've seen you, I'm sure that I need you *

* My feelings, I see, girl, I need a redo *

* All I wanna do is breathe you in *

* Is that a sin, let our journey begin *

* Now I had you over once, we better do it again *

* You don't even mind when I bring all my friends *

* But then again, girl, I don't even know where you been *

* Ooh ooh ooh, yeah, you got me *

* Ooh ooh ooh, where you want me *

* Ooh ooh

* Can't you see it's you, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* You looking fine tonight, all green, red hair *

* With purple highlights

* You're just my type and just so right *

* I might have to see your cherry in the light *

* I feel you getting hot with my fingertips *

* Smell you in the air, taste you on my lips *

* Take some good trips, it ain't that tricky *

* I spend enough cash, you always end up sticky *

* Ooh ooh ooh, yeah, you got me *

* Ooh ooh ooh, where you want me *

* Ooh ooh

* Can't you see it's you, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me, Mrs. Green **