All language subtitles for Watch 13 Nights of Elvira (2014) Full HD_11

**

Whoa, dude!
How'd you get here?

I know how I got here--
my car.

Ah! I'm Elvira,
Mistress of the Dark.

Remember me?

You disgusting pervert!

Oh, you do remember.

Oh, well, I've never
disappointed a fan.

I've never disappointed
a stranger, for that matter.

And I promise to be

just as disgusting
and perverted as ever.

Oh, please,
hold your applause,

because I'm not sure what
movie I'm gonna play yet.

So just play with yourselves
while I, uh, make up my mind.

Let's see what
the DVD Devil sent me.

Oh, boy, it's the entire
evil movie collection.

Let's find out what's trending
in hell this week.

Ooh. "Evil Song"
starring Taylor Swift.

"Evil Sarong: Attack of
the Smoking Jackets."

"Evil Thong."

Ah, trust me, anything that
rides up your crack is evil.

"Evil Gong"?

(gong sounding)

Oh, that sounds annoying.

"Evil Pong"?

Whoa, table tennis played
with talking testicles.

Oh, "Evil Schlong"?

Oh, I've seen that one
and all its sequels.

Hmm, "Evil Dong,"
one, two, and three.

Oh, and "Dong of the Dead."
Ehh!

Ooh, I can't believe it.

Here is one I have
never seen before.

"Evil Bong."

Hmm, wonder what
that's about?

It's the bong, man.
It's evil.

Well, ask a stupid person,
get a stupid answer.

This movie
features Tommy Chong--

You know, the unfunny one
from Cheech and Chong.

Oh, and, uh, Cheech,
if you're watching,

Maury Povich called with the DNA
results and you are the father.

You know what DNA stands for?

"Do Not Ask," 'cause most of
the time I don't wanna know.

All righty,
it's time to get high

with a little help
from your friend,

the Harry Potter of potheads,

the Sylvester Stallone
of stoners,

the Vin Diesel
of vaporizers,

the Tom Hanks of hash,

the Robert De Niro
of reefer,

the Spider-Man of Mary Jane,

the Gandhi of ganja,

the man who put the Maui
into wowie,

the man who gave Obama
the phrase, "Yes, we can-nabis."

The man who has said
the word "man" more times

than any man
in the history of man,

the one and hopefully the only
A-cademy A-weed winner,

Tommy Chong in "Evil Bong."

**

* Whoa no, no, no

* No, no, no

* Oh

* In the morning,
in the night *

* When I don't feel
so right *

* All through
the misty haze *

* The green'o grinding
of my days *

* I will smoke
to clear my mind *

* Just a puff
to help unwind *

* Everywhere I go
I take it *

* Oh, it's like
I can't escape it *

* Only thing I need,
only thing I need *

* Mean green wicked weed

* Heaven from
the devil's seed *

* Fiending for it
every day *

* You know
I want that Mary Jane *

* Mean green wicked weed

* You've got
a hold of me *

* Fiending for it
every day *

* You know I want
that Mary Jane *

* Light the fire

* Spark the tree

* Make it a part of me

* Think of all
the life it breeds *

* Just growing from those
little seeds *

* I need
my smoke today *

* Work too hard,
get home late *

* I just need a break

* One more toke
that I can take *

* Only thing I need,
only thing I need *

What's that?

* Mean green wicked weed

* Heaven from
the devil's seed *

* Fiending for it
every day *

* You know
I want that Mary Jane *

* Mean green wicked weed

* You've got
a hold of me *

* Fiending for it
every day *

* You know I want
that Mary Jane *

**

**

* One-two,
one-two y'all *

* Yeah, yeah...

Hello?!

* In my neighborhood,
when I woke up *

* Everything was
all turning good *

* Listen to my phone
left late that night *

Hello?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing, bro?

Are you, like,
trying to peep on us?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
of course not.

Wait, wait, wait,
you're not a narc,
are you?

'Cause you kind of
look like 5-0.

Narc, I'm afraid,
I don't under--

Uh, what are you doing?

Checking you out
for a wire.

Oh, I can assure you,
I am not a narcotics officer.

I'm here to answer
your ad.

Dude, why didn't you
say something?

Well, I...

Is the room
still open?

It's 40 bucks a week.

Is that cool?

Good times, bro.

Consider yourself
a roomie.

Oh, thank you,
thank you.

Yeah, yeah, I mean,
this is all good,

this is all you,
this kingdom,
this castle.

You are officially a part
of the experience, bro.

Yes, well, it's, uh...
it's splendid.

Isn't it?

Let me give you
the guided tour,
come on.

You gotta check this out,
this is my favorite part.

Check out this kitchen.

This is where we make
all our delectable treats.

Brownies,
cookies, etc.

Nice.

Bach-Bach!

Bach, bro!

Oh!

Bach, we got
a new roomie, bro.

Uh, Alistair.
Alistair McDowell.

Oh, all right.

Yeah.

Call me Bachman, man.

Like the Roman god of
partying, I'm always
down for a good bash.

Uh, Bachman?

Oh, I believe
you mean Bacchus,

the god of wine
and revelry.

The Greeks earlier
called him Dionysus

and interestingly enough,
there's a--
Cool, cool.

Welcome
to the pad, Al.

Uh, actually,
I prefer Alistair.

Al, you can crash
over here, bro.

Uh, I understood that I'd
be renting my own room.

Bro...

this is
your own room.

Room as in space--
this is your space,
all your space.

Hey, because
I'm a nice guy...

I'm even gonna
throw in a mattress.

Uh...

Just like
five bucks extra.

(toilet flushing)

It's peanuts.
Yeah, that's...

Brett, you gotta me Al,
he's our new roomie, bro.

Alistair.
Brett.

Dude...

"Revenge of the Nerds 12"
just called.

They're looking
for extras.

I beg your pardon?

I mean, take a look
at this get-up.

Hell, all you're missing

is the pocket protector
and a protraction.

(muttering)

Uh, well, I have to
keep up the appearances
for the ladies.

Oh, good luck
with that, buddy.

First, you might
wanna hit the gym.

Do a few curls,
rock the crunches.

Pack on the proteins.

You do know
what red meat is?

Actually, studies
on red meat have found
that the carcinogens--

Oh, cinogens,
sminogens.

I mean, seriously,
look at you, dude.

What are these,
arms or dead twigs?

You gotta stay strong,
Al, he's just been
in a sour mood.

Yeah, man, I don't
mean anything by it.

It's just, you know,
I'm just saying,

you wanna score...
you know, with chicks.

(chuckling)
Yeah, yeah.

You gotta work out some.

Check me out.

I never have a problem
with the ladies.

Chicks dig the long ball.

(clicks tongue,
mimicking bat)

Ohh...

Touch 'em all,
Brett, touch 'em all.

(chuckling)

These are his
trophy wives.

I-- I mean, guys.

Bachman?!

What's up, bro?

What is this
doing here?

(crunching)

Oh, that I got on
my trip to Maui, man.

Fuckin' souvenir.

So...

what is it doing here
with my trophies?!

It's just
sitting there, bro.

That's what shells do.

(laughing)

(all laughing)

This is for my trophies,

not your
souve-frickin'-nirs.

(bowl shattering)

Not cool.

(groans)

Great, I can't hear
the ocean anymore.

I think you busted it.

Thanks, Brett.

Oh, monkey.

I'll bust you if I find that
thing in my trophies again.

Whatever... queer.

These things should be
at the campus

in a display case
in the entrance hallway

with all
the other trophies.

So, uh, you're
a baseball player?

Starting pitcher.

Uh, I think he was
more of a catcher.

**

(coughing)

Well, I used to be.

(coughing)

Till they sprung a piss test
on us by surprise.

They cut me
from the team.

I'm fighting it,
though.

Oh, no, no,
no, thank you, though.

Seriously?
Uh, quite.

While I have
no objections

to any of you partaking
in the activity,

for myself, I find that
the, uh, potential damages

aren't worth the risk.

I'm seeking
a master's in chemistry

with a bachelor's
in metaphysics.

Hard science and
the transcendental.

So I'm encompassing
both worlds, you see?

And to complete my studies,
I will require

that every one of
my brain cells is
in tip-top condition.

Dude, it's just weed.

Oh, nevertheless.

But please, feel free.

I hate to break it
to you, bud,
but living here,

second-hand smoke
alone

is gonna kill you by,
like, a whole bunch
of IQ points.

But on
the second-hand highs,

I guarantee you play
that transportation...

Transcendental.

Yes.
(chuckling)

(coughing)

I am certain
I'll be fine.

(clearing throat)

Hey, check this out.

(coughing)

With Al's rent, I finally
got enough to buy this.

"Large bong for sale.

"Originally purchased in
the 1960s in New Orleans.

Recently deceased owner
claims it was possessed."

That's wicked.
Whoa, dude.

A haunted bong?

It's guaranteed to give
amazing highs, bro.

"Seller not responsible for
possible bad side effects."

We gotta have it.

We gotta have it.

Oh, don't be a sucker,
it's a scam.

Just like that
grilled cheese sandwich
with Jesus's face on it.

What are you
talking about, bro?

That was online,
okay?

Everything on that
Internet is a scam.

You can't trust anything
because that's how the feds

spy on us
through our computers.

I must say this ad does
sound somewhat suspect.

This is "High Times,"
fellas, okay?

Everything in here
is on the up and up.

Totally.

Whatever.
It's your dough, man.

Dude, have them
express mail it
to the house, ASAP.

'Cause if there's
one thing this pad
is lacking,

it's a killer
fucking bong, man.

(chuckling)

**

* Wake and wake and bake
spring break *

* Wake and wake
and bake spring break *

(video game beeping)

* Boy, buy me a drink
or pass the dank *

* Wake and wake and bake
spring break *

* Wake and wake
and bake spring break *

* What do it take to make
that ass shake? *

* Boy, buy me a drink
or pass the dank *

* Panama City,
Fort Lauderdale *

* Causing hell, getting
thrown in jail *

* Cancun, South Beach,
Lake Havasu *

* Spring break, girl,
I wanna fuck you *

Larnell!
Please.

* I drank too much
so now I'm feeling nauseous *

* I drank too much and
so I drunk phoned you *

* Gonna bong you
in Daytona *

* Breaka-breaka ten four
spring break ho *

* Breaka-breaka
ten four spring break ho *

* I'm not a ho,
don't call me that *

* Just 'cause you did
body shots off my back *

Larnell!

* Wet T-shirt contests
I'm the best *

* Take my clothes off
in Key West *

* Looking at your ass
makes me start to think **

Oh! Dude!

You are making it
impossible for me
to study.

Check it out, bro,
I was on level 15,
and you just shit on me.

This is the third time
in a row I broached
the topic.

Now perhaps
if you'd listen to me

and instead of playing
your games, you'd know
how I'd feel.

(knocking on door)

Get that, bro.

(knocking louder)

Are you Larnell?

What do you want,
bro?

Package for you.

That box is huge,
what's in it?

What's in it?

I don't look
in the boxes.

It's against regulations.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy, bro, easy.

I'm a professional.

I make over $200
a week.

You look in the box,
you get fired.

Larnell, perhaps
it's... the item?

Item?

You've been waiting for.

Item I've been
waiting for.

Yeah, that's it.

It's the item
you've been waiting for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
the item I've been
waiting for.

There's postage due,
friend.

Hey, it's,
uh, it's been
a bad month, bro.

Can you let this slide
a little under the rug?

I'm a professional.

Al, Al, you, uh,
spot me a little coin.

Fine.
I'll take it off
next week's rent.

Fine!

Okay, just last time,
bro, last time.

Just, uh...

Thanks, bro.

Oh, baby, baby, baby,
come to Daddy.

Hey, Al.

(scoffing)
... istair.

Oh, man, you fronting
Lar again?

I thought you were
supposed to be smart.

Perhaps you're right, but
I'm only trying to help out.

Larnell's financial acumen

leaves something
to be desired.

Yeah, he ain't too good
with money, either.

You know, believe it or not,
he comes from money.

Really?

Oh,
his grandpa's loaded.

He's some kind
of bigwig lawyer...

until he got
creamed by a bus.

That's horrible.
Huh?

Oh, no, the old man's
still alive, you know.

Crippled
and in a wheelchair.

Anyway, you know, he gave
Larnell an allowance

till he dropped out of
law school and cut him off.

(Alistair)
That's unfortunate.

(Brett)
Unfortunate?

It's brutal.

Oh, man, the parties
we used to have on that dough.

How about some red meat?

Feed that scrawny body
instead of that brain
of yours.

B, that's what I'm
talking about, bro.

Jeez, it's huge.

Look at the beauty,
bro, look at the beauty.

Looks like
a piece of crap.

Told you
it was a scam.

Once again, I'm gonna
have to align myself
with Brett's opinion.

Dude, it's junk,
send it back.

No, no, no, no,
don't you see?

It's shaped like
a beautiful woman, bro.

You got the tits
and the vag.

You're fuckin' nuts.

You two are a cloud
of fuck dust.

This is the best investment
I ever made in my life, bro.

I say let's fire
this thing up.

(inhaling)

Monkey.

Check this out, B.

This thing's hot.

* Take a bong toke

* Take a bong toke,
take a toke and another toke *

Let's make him choke.

Flame on.

* Take a bong toke

* Take a toke
and another toke *

* Take a bong toke, take a--
take a bong toke *

* I love ripping out of bongs,
it gets me so, so high *

* When I take a big toke

* Looks like my eyes
start to cry *

* Tears start to swell up
when I take a huge hit *

* Of that bong biggie bong
diggity dank dank shit *

* Johnny Richter don't quit
after one, two, or three *

* I'll take so many bong tokes
you might run out of weed *

* Thought you was fuckin' with
a rookie but I'm really a king *

* I was just out playing hooky
having fun with my team *

* Take a bong toke,
take a toke and another toke *

* Take a bong toke, take a--
take a bong toke... **

Awesome, bro.

What's so awesome
about it, man?

The ad said
amazing highs.

Where's your money back
guarantee?

You telling me
that's not an amazing high?

Well, sure it's good weed,
but you know,
I'm just saying.

It's a regular high,
same as any other.

A regular high.

The bong's nothing special,
man-- you got ripped off.

No way.
There's nothing
amazing about it.

No way.
Hey, every high
is amazing.

It's just like there's
no such thing as a bad BJ.

Bullshit.

Example, bro.

That redhead,
Carla Brewster.

Chick had a set
of teeth on her.

Like a school of piranha
gnashing on a baby goat.

(sucking)

Oh.

That poor goat.

No, hey, B, let's do
another hit, man.

Huh? Oh.

Bro, I said, let's do
another hit, come on.

No dice, man.

I'm gonna have to score
some more weed tomorrow.

Bummer, bro.

Yeah.

I still say this thing
is awesome.

In fact,
it's so awesome...

No way, man.

Keep that shit away
from my trophies.

Beautiful, right, bro?

Feminine surrounded
by masculine.

There's something...

spiritual about it,
don't you think?

What the fuck
are you talking about?

I'm feeling it.

I'm definitely
feeling it.

**

(snoring)

Whoa, looks like "I Dream
of Jeannie" on steroids.

* Nobody else understands

* She's taking you in

* Spinning a devilish grin
as she slowly begins *

(snoring)

* She'll take you apart

(whispering)
Alive again!

* You'll be shattered
on the top *

I need more.

(inhaling)

(exhaling)
I need more.

* Broken through walls

* She's always there
when you crawl... *

(sighing)

* She floats on a cloud

* Where no other air
is allowed *

* She found you in lies

* Until you dare disappearing
in front of her eyes... **

Oh!
Whoa, hey,
watch it, geek.

**

If you're stoned,
it seems like 24 minutes.

But if you're not, it seems
like 24 years.

* Pass that

* Pass that

* Pass that joint,
pass that joint *

* We'll all get high,
we'll all get high *

* There ain't no need,
no, there ain't no need... *

Bachman, you've done,
like, three times
as much as me, bro.

Slow it down.

I love it too, man,
but moderation,
you know?

Shit.

* Pass that *

Dudes.

You guys remember Luann.

Hey, what's up,
losers?

This is
her friend Janet.

Hi, guys.

That's Bachman over there
totally out of it.

This here's Larnell.

And that guy over there?

Al!
(water running)

Hi.

Washing his skivvies
in the kitchen.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.
(girls giggling)

Hey, Janet, so you're
a friend of Luann's, huh?

We got a couple
classes together.

So how come I've never
seen you before?

Dude, just give it up,
Larnell, she is
so not into you.

What is she,
mute or something?

She can't talk
for herself?

I know it's
a radical concept.

Whatever.

Sorry, Larnell,
I am not interested.

(mimicking crashing plane)

Crash and burn, dude.
(laughing)

Not at all, B.
On the contrary,

this is a breakthrough
in communications
between the sexes, bro.

Straightforward,
no BS, no games.

That's what I'm
talking about, Janet.

We're all adults,
right, right?

Who wants a brewski?

**

Did get it, mm-hmm.

That's what
I'm talking about.

Hey, you don't mind,
do you, Bachman?

Whatever.

Thank you.

* I'm so high

* Never ever gonna
touch the ground, ground *

Hi there,
Janet, Luann.

It's nice to
meet you both.

Uh, you must be
a cheerleader
at the school.

Oh, yeah? And what
makes you say that?

Well, your outfit
would be the largest
indicator.

Dude,
this old thing?

No, I just wear this
'cause it, um...

turns him on.

Rah-rah-rah,
sis-boom-bah.

So, Janet, you're, uh,
you go to the college?

Psych major.

Oh, a fascinating study.

That's one word
for it.

I-- I'm in chemistry
myself.

Oh, really?
Then perhaps, um,

maybe you could
explain something, Al.

Alistair...
(chuckling) actually.

Okay, Alistair.

I was just wondering,
were you in the middle
of conducting

a chemistry experiment
or are you just happy
to see us?

(snickering)
That's awesome.

Wow, this kid is foaming
at the mouth... down south.

I-- I was merely...

Oh, uh, you don't
need to explain.
Yeah, it's okay.

Yeah, Al, it happens
to the best of is.

No, I was
twisting the...

(laughing)
Oh, twisting?

Is that what the kids
are saying these days?

I just like to say, you know,
choking the chicken,

wanking the weasel,
packing the meat, you know...

No, I-I-I mean, um--

Oh, but, you know,
your hair looks
great, too, Al.

Yeah, it's hot.

If you'll just
excuse me for...

(chuckling)

You ladies should stay
and join us for one more hit.

That's a bong?

(Luann)
Dude.
It's gigantic.

Yeah, a gigantic outhouse

white trailer trash
wouldn't even crap in.

It's so gross.

Hey, dude,
"eww" moment.

Eww!
That's awful.
Eww!

(Brett)
Larnell thinks
it's a work of art.

Dude, seriously?

It looks like
an old, moldy dick.

I ain't suckin'
that shit.

Whoa, that's harsh,
Luann, even for you.

Yeah, whatever.

Adiós, ladies.

Come on.

We got a party
to go to.

Later,
dickheads.

(whispering)
Bitch.

What was that?

What?

Sounded like somebody
just called me something.

I didn't hear nothing.

Don't you even
go there, pencil dick.

Not cool, dude.

Bro, it was probably
Bachman or something.

(groaning)

Right.
Yeah, whatever.

How's my hair?

You look great, babe.

(door closing)

Fuck, man.

**

(whispering)
You're mine.

Ohh.

Oh, monkey.

**

Come inside.

Yes.

Inside.

**

* Yeah, I know
I got it baby *

* Come and get it,
I-Eee-I *

* I know
you want it, baby *

* I-Eee-I-Eee-I-Eee-I

* I know I got it, baby

* Come and get it
I-Eee-I *

* I know
you want it, baby *

* I-Eee-I-Eee-I-Eee-I

(woman's voice)
Welcome, welcome!

Make yourself at home.
(laughing)

Ooh, we have everything
here you desire.

Nice tits.
(chuckling) Oh, yeah.

Enjoy yourself, boy.

**

* I know
I got it, baby *

* Come and get it
I-Eee-I *

* I know
you want it, baby *

* I-Eee-I-Eee-I-Eee-I

* I know
I got it, baby *

* Come and get it
I-Eee-I *

* I know
you want it, baby *

Hey, little dude.

Looks like
you're having fun.

Whoa, another little dude.

Watch yourself, kid.

Oh, hey, I didn't
mean any offense.

I don't mean that.
I mean her.

I know a lot
about the creatures
of the night, kid.

Watch out for that one.

* I know you want it,
baby, yeah *

Watch myself.
(scoffs)

I think I'll be
just fine, thanks.

* I know
you want it, baby *

* I-Eee-I-Eee-I-Eee-I *

You like
what you see?

Oh, mama.

You wanna see more?

Is a rider stoked
to carve a sick barrel?

Translation, babe?

Hell, yeah.

Goth boobs, huh?

That's cool,
that's cool.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh! Ohh!

Aah, aah, aah!

Remember, boys,
boobs can bite back.

(screaming)

I love you.

Is that puppet doing
what I think he's doing?

Oh, monkey.

Nasty.

(whispering)
That was tasty.

Hey, Al, pour me
a bowl, will you?

Good morning, Brett.

You just getting in?

It must've been quite
the soirée last night,
huh?

Oh, yeah,
hell of a party, too.

You don't know what
you're missing out on, Al,

keeping your nose
in those books 24/7.

Well, there'll be
ample time to party down

when my schooling's
finished.

Then what, some big career
as a scientist or something?

Something like that,
someday.

Yeah?

Yeah, I thought someday
I'd be pitching
for the Dodgers.

Then I pulled my hammie
last season

and the whole
drug thing went down.

Take it from me, Al.

Dreams don't
always come true.

Don't hit the books
so hard.

They hit back and...
knock the fun out of you.

Hey, get up, you dipshits,
we gotta clean this place up.

This shithole
looks like a wreck,

and the chicks are
coming over to party tonight.

Will Janet be coming too?

Get up!
What's up, bro?
Is someone here?

Do I gotta
flush the stuff
down the crapper?

Relax, man, you're
tweaking out, dude.

Everything's cool.
I'm cool, bro, I'm cool.

Hey, you too,
Bachman, let's go.

I mean it, bro.

Jeez.

He crashed here
all night?

How much
did he smoke?

A lot, bro.

Does my bong
look different?

It's so weird.

Bachman?

Bachman.

Oh, my God,
he's expired.

What do you mean?

I-- I mean he's
passed on, deceased.

Croaked?

You shittin' me?

Oh, what a buzzkill.

What are you
telling me, B?

Larnell,
Bachman is dead.

Fuck, bro!
What are you telling me?!

Bach, at like fuckin'
20-something, checked out?

Talk to me, B.
Give me a monkey, bro.

Give me a fuckin' monkey.
Come on, bro.

We'll figure this out,
man, we'll figure this--

What are you doing?

Calling the authorities,
of course.

Do you think we want
the cops here, man?

Take a look around,
come on, man.

We got weed
coming out of our wazoo.

They will have to
be notified, Brett.

Fuck, man, fuck, man,
fuck, fuck, fuck,
he's dead, bro.

He's on the fuckin'
couch.

We can't have
the fuckin' cops over here.

I'm just thinking.
You're thinking.

We'll figure this out.
What is there
to consider?

This was obviously
some kind of accident,
and now he's dead.

After blowing my
drug test last night,

I can't be involved with
something like this,

accident or not.

We have to call
the police.

So not cool, bro.

Dead fuckin' dude
on the couch!

I got it.

Larnell, don't
Bachman's parents
live over in Midvale?

Yeah, bro, Midvale,
cute little house,
white picket fence.

We used to play catch
when we were just
little dudes

in the fuckin' backyard,
bro.

Here's the plan.

We wait
till it's dark.

We drive him
over there.

We drop him off
at the curb, man.

No fuss, no muss.

You can't be serious.

That's what mobsters do
after a hit.

They, they drop the body
off at a loved one's house

to serve as a warning.

Man, that's
a good idea.

Yeah, drop and
blame it on the mob.

I knew that noggin
of yours was gonna
come in handy, Al.

That's not
what I meant.

Lar, give me
a hand, man.

This is the best
thing for him.

Besides, he won't
want us to get in
any kinds of trouble.

Will you two just stop and
think for just one moment?

(knocking on door)

What the hell?

Somebody's at the door.

Go see who it is.

Not you, man.

What if it's
the cops, bro?

It appears to be an elderly
gentleman with a wheelchair.

Holy shit, bro,
it's my grandpa.

What the hell's
he doing here?

Just shut the fuck up,
maybe he'll go away.

(man)
Larnell!

I can hear you in there,
you fool!

(knocking on door)

What do we do?
Hide him.

(knocking continues)

Have you two gone
completely insane?

(knocking on door)

Open up this door
instantly, you cocksuckers!

Hold him off, Al.

Uh... (stammers)

Larnell is indisposed
at the moment.

Well, get him disposed,
God damn it!

He'll be with you
shortly.

(knocking continues)

Hey, Gramps,
what a cool surprise.

Hey, Cy,
it's great to see you.

Ah, shut up,
you pathetic louts.

Moronic pricks.

Miscreants,
all of you.

Where's the other one?

The, uh, the surfer.

Bachman?

Oh, he just up
and moved out.

You know,
kind of a drag.

(both)
Yeah.

Moved out, did he?

Well, good riddance
is what I say.

Just an utter waste
of human skin.

About as much use
as a soiled tampon.

Who's this?

You're new here.

Uh, Alistair McDowell,
sir.

It's a-- it's a pleasure
to meet you.

Oh, you seem different
than the others.

Clean cut, well mannered.

Uh, marked improvement.

Yeah, yeah, Al's
really great, Grandpa.

Even helps me with
my studies and all.

Ha! Ah ha.

That's a wasted cause
if ever there was one.

Got a mind
like a urinal cake.

So, uh, what brings you
down here anyway, Grandpa?

I came to introduce you
to your new grandmother.

You mean, you finally
remarried, huh?

I did indeed, my boy.

Indeed I did!

So what's she like?

I mean, with your dough,
you could've got anyone.

Oh, she's a catch.
(laughing)

And I'm not the only one
that had my eye
on her, either!

(all laughing)

The lodge was abuzz!

All the boys wanted
a crack at her.

(laughing)

So-- so where's she at?

She's parking the car.
She'll be right up.

Is she hot?

Oh...
she's a looker.

(chuckling)
That's for certain.

Oh, that's so cool!

You know, I was hoping
you'd hook up

with some big-titted bimbo
that I could bang on the side.

You disgusting pervert!

Oh-ho.

I only hope
that one day convicts

will feast upon
your scrotum sack.

You know, bro, I was
just kidding around.

You don't gotta come at me
like that, Grandpa.

Is your mind perpetually
in the gutter?

You useless vulgar
douchebag.

This is your
new grandmother
we're talking about,

not some two-bit loose
floozy for you to defile

with your nasty
little penis.

No-good worthless
enema bag--

So Cy, where, where'd you
meet the little lady?

Well... I was
inspecting my, uh, gyms

that I own down
on the west side.

She was on the, uh, on
the racquetball court.

(chuckling)
Oh.

She caught my eye
immediately.

Oh, the way she
slammed that ball.

Her body, lithe
and aggressive.

Vibrant and sensuous.

Oh...
(chuckling)

Boys, I want you
to meet...

Dame Rosemary Cornwallis.

**

Ooh, Gramps' new wife
must be really hot.

Or maybe not.

* Let me please you

* Wanna make you pay for more
so I'll tease you *

* It's like fever...

Oh, my God.

* Let me please you

* Wanna make you pay for more
so I'll tease you *

**

* Want me to dance for you?
I'll shake it all for you *

* You can't keep away once
you've seen my moves... *

Bro, that's your wife?

Oh... (chuckling)

Isn't she a beaut?
(laughing)

Dude,
she can hardly walk.

Oh, she's fine.

It's just, uh,
close to her nap time,
that's all.

Darling.

Would you like
some tea, ma'am?

No, thank you.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's a little
spent, that's all.

This morning, she and I
had ourselves a go.

(chuckling)

A go?

You wouldn't believe
what a vixen she is
in the sack!

(laughing)

Well, I'm gonna take
myself a quick dump,

and then Rose
and I will be on
about our business.

Leaving you three
to do...

whatever
it is you do.

Let met get that
for you.

I'm perfectly capable
of taking care

of this myself,
you Cro-Magnon.

Now why don't you limp dicks
clean this pigsty up?

Miserable bunch
of no-account cocksuckers!

(grumbling)

Fuck, bro.
Jesus Christ.

**

What's this
all about?

I'm not entirely
devoid of surprise.

Shit, man, I thought
they'd never leave.

Can you believe the dude
actually sleeps with
that weathered bag?

She's so old, I bet
when she opens her legs,

moths fly out
of her snatch.

I think
I'm gonna be ill.

Dudes, pact.

Pact.

We never speak
of this again.

Never.

But back to
the business at hand.

What are we gonna do
about Bachman?

Yeah, what did you
do with her?

Her who?

My bong, bro.

Your bong's a "she"?

What'd you put her
over here for?

Well, you told me
to hide her, or it--

Not on the fuckin' ground
behind the couch.

Show a little
respect, bro.

How can you even
think about getting high
at a time like this?

Are you kidding me?
It's all I can think about.

The old man was
stressing me out big time.

He almost found Bachman.

Well, speaking of that.

What if something's wrong
with the marijuana?

What do you mean?

Hey, bright boy might
have a point here.

What if Bachman's dead
'cause the weed's bad?

I smoked it, too.

(Alistair)
But not as much.

Dude, it can't be
the weed.

No weed on earth
could kill Bachman.

You know,
come to think of it,

remember Luann
took some last night.

We all smoked it,
and we didn't croak.

Can't be the weed, bro.

Oh, shit, the girls
are coming over.

Oh, man, we gotta get
this place clean.

First thing we gotta do
is dump Bachman somewhere.

We are not
dumping him anywhere.

We can't
leave him here.

Don't get me
wrong, dude.

Bachman's a great guy,
you know, dude.

But he doesn't care what
happens to him anymore.

How about we store
Bachman downstairs,

just for tonight,
man, and we can have
our little party.

Then in the morning
we'll bring him up,

put him on the couch,
you know?

And we'll call
the cops then.

But the medical examiner
will know

that he's been dead
for more than 24 hours.

I mean, how are we
supposed to explain that?

I don't know,
we'll just say he
was sleeping, man.

Dude crashed for days
when he got baked, man.

I mean, what's--
what's the big mystery?

I suppose.

Of course
you suppose, man.

We can sell that to
the cops easy, man.

Look, first thing
we gotta do is get this
place cleaned up, man,

and get you
all spiffed up.

What's the point?

She probably doesn't
even know my name.

What's the point?

What's the point,
man?

Lousy fuckin' attitude,
bro, man.

Have a little
backbone, man.

How about
some stones, bro?

Dude, I'm gonna be
off with Luann

getting me a piece
of that action.

You've got
the best chance
in the whole world

to score with Janet.

But-- But I-- I totally
embarrassed myself
in front of her.

Are you kidding, man?
She thought it was--

She-- she thought
it was cute, dude.

I saw her giving you
the "fuck me" eyes.

Really?

Big time.

A guy like me doesn't
have a chance with her.

She's too brainy,
you know, but...

Luann on the other
hand, well...

She's about as smart
as a box of doorknobs.

Janet's an egghead,
you know, like you.

You got a lot in common.

She did seem
rather bright.

You're gonna get laid
tonight, my friend.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, great,
then it's settled.

Let's get the stiff
downstairs.

**

Larnell.

Oh, Larnell.

**

Wicked stuff.

(chuckling)

Feeling good,
Larnell?

She can talk.

Hmm, damn straight,
baby.

One more toke,
Larnell, just one.

You got it, baby.

Come on, Papa.

I'm coming.

Closer.

I'm coming hard.

Take me, take me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby.
Come on!

Take it, take it!

(exhaling)
Yeah.

Mmm.

Mmm-mm-mmm.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah,
"fuck" indeed.

Get up now.

I said, get up!

Mmm.
(groans)

Sit back, baby,
ready for the ride!

Some good shit.

Damn straight.

Real good.
(moans)

Oh, yeah, honey,
come to Mama.

Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Oh, yeah...

Oh, these scenes were shot
on location in "Pole-land."

* Everybody
get on up, yeah *

* Ahh...

* Get on up

* Make your booty jump

* Shake your booty,
you got to move me *

* Boy, you gotta bring it,
find the groove and
really feel it *

* Tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick *

Oh, my sweet God.

* Bounce, bounce,
make it count *

* Shake your booty,
you got to move me... *

Dude!

Dude!

Dude, I thought
you were dead.

Dude, don't insult me.

Do I look dead?

Dude, you look good.

Have fun in here.

This place is awesome.

It's awesome.

Ta-ta.

Dude.

Dude?

Hey-hey, hot stuff.

Ha ha!
Welcome, Larnell.

We have everything here
that you desire.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah?

Then how about we
change up these tunes?

I wanna hear some
rock 'n' fuckin' roll!

Ooh, I love it when
you talk that way.

(rock music playing)

Rock it,
baby, rock it!

Oh, if there's one thing
I can't stand,
it's fake boobs.

Uh, make that
two things.

* 12:45
and I'm sleeping in *

* Looks like I missed
the bus again *

* Don't really go
to school anymore anyway *

* So I spend my time
just getting high *

Double awesome.

Pretty fuckin' hot.
Oh!

Uh, make that
three things.

A talking turd
in a bowtie.

I'd like to bite me off
a piece of that pastry.

Oh, yeah.
(chuckling)

Now that's what
I'm talking about.

Oh, I love it.

Touch me
in the doughboy, ohh.

Find the chestnuts,
oh, oh.

Uh-oh, I'm gonna cream!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Oh, no!

You twisted deviant.

What the fuck are you
doing here, old man?

You know, you're turning this
into a bad trip real fast.

Ever since
you were a toddler,

that day I walked in
and found you

sucking on
your dirty diapers,

I knew then that
you'd grow up to be
a grade "A" ignoramus.

A lot better than being
a grade "A" ignor-anus
like you, Skeletor.

I suppose that dancing
harlot up there is
your kind of woman.

Are you kidding me?
This chick is awesome.

You should've married
a chick like this

instead of that dusty
old vaginal scab.

What?

I mean, that bitch
is more fucked-up

than any mummy movie
I ever saw.

I'll teach you some respect,
you insolent little cocksucker.

Eebee,
can I get a hand here?

Oh, yeah, baby, ha!

Oh, oh!

(Eebee)
Ciao-ciao!
(crashing)

Now that's what
I'm talking about.

You got it,
my man, you got it.

(laughing)

Come here, baby,
I have a surprise for you.

Are you about done
with your fun?

Baby, the fun's
just getting started.

That's what I'm
talking about.

Nemo.

Mmm.

Just when you think it's safe
to get back in the water.

I got a big enough boat
for those fish.

Get out your pole, baby.

Whoa, it's "Jaws"
in double-D.

It's kind of weird
and kinky.

Aah! Aah, aah!

(laughing)

(screaming)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(knocking on door)

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Stop, stop, stop.

Janet, come here.

Dudes, don't tell me you losers
actually cleaned this place up?

Of course, we knew
you were coming over.

Ohh, I'm gonna
call Ripley.

Mwah.

(indistinct chatter)

Dude, where's Bachman?

Uh, Bachman,
he's uh--

He--
he's dead tired.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
he's-- he's dead tired.

He's laying low
tonight.

Yeah, that's it.

Good evening, Janet.

Glad you could
make it.

Hi Alistair,
nice jacket.

Oh, well, uh,
I had to be presentable.

After all, this is
a special occasion.

It is?

Uh, of course.

Any time a lady of your,
uh, learning and beauty

crosses the--
the threshold of this house

is a special occasion.

I'm guessing there aren't

any more like you
back home, are there?

Yeah, let's hope not.

**

Go ahead and move
for us, Janet.

This is for the win.

We are kicking
your butts.

I can't believe I'm playing
this stupid game.

I must be bored
off my ass.

Oh, yeah, dude,

but they're never
gonna get this one.

Okay, you guys ready?

What important
document of 1783

was signed by Benjamin Franklin
and other Founding Fathers?

That's easy--
the Constitution.

Oh! Whoo!

Wait, wait, wait a minute,
Janet, wait a minute.

I believe that the Constitution
was even later.

1787, but--

(both)
The Treaty of Paris.

You're right,
that was in '83.

That's our answer,
the Treaty of Paris.

They win.

Yeah, but we're prettier.
That's right,
we're so hot.

It's all about teamwork.
Mwah.

Dude, congrats on the win,
seriously.

(loud belch)

Ah, flatulence humor.

The comic allure
of intestinal gas.

What are friends
for, bud?

Hmm, you're right,
of course.

Hmm, you guys, now let's get
this party started, whoo!

Okay.

* You know I like,
I like the way you feel, ah *

* When I inhale
the sweet scents, Amelia *

* When the rain falls
from the sky... *

(coughing)

* Sun shines down
into my eyes *

Absolutely.

* You know that Rona
will be smoking *

* Fat blunts like
they roll up in Oakland *

* It all starts from
a little seed... **

Oh, no, thank you.

Al won't
touch the stuff.

He's worried about
his brain cells.

And I keep telling him
he's got plenty.

He can waste
a few of them.

Remember what
Abraham Lincoln said.

"A man who has no vices
has very few virtues."

Ah, she's got you
there, Al.

(laughter)

* Whoa, whoa

* Tonight, tonight,
tonight *

* Who's down to fuck tonight

* Ooh, she was looking
real sexy *

Babe, babe, babe,
slow down.

What's wrong?
what's wrong?

No, no, just give me
a minute, you know?

I like to mellow out
when I'm stoned.

If that's what you want.

Huh?
Okay, okay.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
I got my favorite.

Oh, yeah, my favorite.

Oh, yeah.
(moaning)

Oh, the twister!

Oh, the twister!

(moaning)

Oh, babe.
Oh, babe.

I know what's
gonna turn you on.

I know what's gonna
turn you on.

I'm horny, I'm horny.

(grunting)

I'm horny, I'm horny!

(grunting)

I'm horny, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

(moaning)
Oh, yeah.

(blowing)

(sputtering)

Do you want
some hot love, huh?

Do you--
Oh! Oh!

(panting)

(groaning)

I know what's
gonna turn you on.

I know what's gonna
make you so crazy.

I know what's gonna make you

feel like a chocolate sprinkle
Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

* Who's down to fuck tonight

Oh!
Oh, yeah!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Uh, honey, that's a pogo,
not a dildo.

Oh, yes!

(shrieking)

All right!
All right!

* The things girls will do
can be so fuckin' amazing *

* When the night gets raging
they start feeling strange... *

Listen,
Larnell, okay?

Honey, you either
get it up,

or I'm gonna tell
the rest of the team

that you
are going faggot.

(panting)

(moaning)

* And if Richter's in the house
then things are happening *

* I like bad-ass bitches
that drive for five hours *

* To come get a nut,
take a shower and bounce **

**

* Oh, yeah

Well, I am so glad
we're able

to spend
some time together, Janet.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, so, um--

How-- how is
school going?

School's school.

Oh.

Uh, do you, uh--

Um, uh, what else
do you do, Janet?

No...

I mean, for fun, er...

A girl's gotta
have some secrets.

I've gotta keep
a little bit of mystery.

Like you, Alistair,
dark, mysterious.

Uh, yeah.

Mysterious, well,
uh, hey, but I--

I've often thought
of myself as, uh...

quite the magnetic.

Oh, I must say, Janet.

This is a-- this is a side
of your personality

I wasn't expecting.

Oh, no, when I get high,
I let the walls down.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Well, that's
fascinating.

Uh, what, um, what--

* Every room in the place

* Yeah, you been bad,
but I'ma treat you good *

* And I'ma show you how we do it
up in Hollywood *

* Blowing up the spot
everywhere that we go *

* I got everybody jealous
of my freak-ass ho *

* This is a freak show,
you never telling me no *

* Up for experimentation
when we go on a vacation... **

What's wrong?

He's dead.

Oh, my God.

Just like Bachman.

Uh, I thought you said
Bachman was just--

Well, we-- we sort of fibbed.

What happened?

I'm not exactly sure.

Hey, Brett.

They're stoned
out of their minds.

It's different again.

What do you mean?

The bong.

It changed
after Bachman died.

And now it's changed again.

It changed after
they smoked from it?

They smoked from it...

then they died...

and then it changed.

That doesn't make any sense,
it isn't logical.

No, no, no,
it's not logical.

I mean, certainly not in terms
of the physical world, it's not.

But I believe
now we're dealing

with worlds beyond
the physical.

You mean spiritual,
transcendental.

Transcendental, exactly.

When Larnell
purchased this bong,

the ad warned the user against
possible bad side effects.

But it's obvious.

They weren't warning the user
against substandard drugs.

They were warning
the user against this bong.

But I smoked
from it, too.

Look.

(Eebee)
Ha-ha!

Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

Oh, my God.

What is this place?

Must be the weed.

This is seriously not--
Awesome.

This is so not my style.
Oh, my goodness.

Hey, who's high
is this anyways,

yours or mine?

Ew, ugh,
I feel so disgusting.

Yes, make out.

That's my style right there,
oh, God, yeah.

That's what
I'm talking about.

Hot, too.
This is hot.

How do you open this thing,
like, do they have some really--

(laughing)

(gasps)

(laughing)

Okay, we are leaving
like right now.

Come on,
let's go, let's go.

Quit your nagging.

No, I mean it, ass--

Stop! Oh, my God!
Larnell!

God, you are a drag.

(screaming)

Have fun, bitch!

**

Now we can ourselves
a party, ladies.

Carla, Carla Brewster?

It is you.

Well, well, hi, Brett.

Long time no see.

I think the last time
I saw you,

you were supposed
to give me a call.

Well, you know, I mean, I was
busy doing things and shit.

I mean, you know
how it gets, girl.

Damn, you really
filled out nice.

What are you doing here?

What does it look like
I'm doing here?

No kidding.

Oh ho ho, hot damn.

I'm between sets
right now.

On my break.

But I suppose I could
give you a little taste.

For old time's sake.

**

* Damn

* Can't wait to get
your sweet lips *

* I'm already...

Those are a goof.

It's kitschy.

I thought you'd like them.

I heard what you said to
your buddies about me earlier.

About my technique.

Oh, that, you know,
I was just kidding around.

You know me, babe.

Uh-huh.

Let me show you
what I've learned.

(zipper unzips)

What was it that you said?

Look a school of piranhas
eating a baby goat?

Huh?

(screaming)

(laughing)

Ah, yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

She's changed again.

I mean,
it's changed again.

After they
smoked from it.

You'll be okay,
you only took one hit.

Baby, that's all it takes!
Uhh!

Do you hear that,
or am I stoned?

I definitely heard it.

And my faculties
are not impaired.

The more you do,
the more I take.

(laughing)

All right.

We are certainly dealing
with something abnormal here.

But I think if we just
reason it out-- Janet!

I'm so sleepy.

Stay with me, Janet.

What's going on,
what are you doing to her?

It's not what I've done,
but what I am about to do!

(laughing)

Wake up, Janet, wake up.

Wake up.

Please.

Tommy Chong's here.

Let's see how many times
he says "man."

I've been looking
all over for you, man.

There you are.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Jimbo, man.

That's my bong.

It's your bong?

I thought the ad said
that the owner was deceased.

(chuckling)

No, that's my wife,
man, she--

Wishful thinking on her part.

No, man.

Well, then perhaps you can
explain what's going on here?

It's the bong, man.

It's evil.

Well, if it's dangerous,

then why'd you
put it up for sale?

I didn't put it up
for sale, man, my wife,

she sold it, man.

I had it in storage.

She sold all my shit, man.

Sold my Hot Wheels
collection.

Man, I miss
those little cars.

How do we stop it?

Stop what?

The bong?

I don't think
it can be stopped, man.

The guy that sold it to me
said that it had

some voodoo curse on it
or something, you know?

I thought he was just
trying to make a sale.

But it killed
all my friends, man.

And it almost got me.

Well, it got all
my brain cells.

But that's okay 'cause
I wasn't using them anyway.

Well, you have to
help me save Janet.

Did she take a hit?

I'm afraid so.

Then it's too late, man,
she's already there.

There?

Yeah.
Where's there?

There is where you go when
you take a big bong hit, man.

I've been there, man.

You don't come back
from there.

Well, I did,
but, man, I was lucky.

If you made it out alive,
then so can she.

I have to go in after her.

I don't know, man.

Sure you wanna do this?

It's the honorable thing
to do.

If you're gonna go in,
you better take these.

What are they?

I'm not sure.

I think
they're vitamins.

But it's your only chance.

All right.

Now if you'll please, uh,
assist me with, uh, this thing.

Well, it's easy, man,
you just...

(lighter clicking)

... you suck,
you don't blow.

That's all.

Now suck it up,
toke it up.

Come on, toke it up.

(bubbling)

(coughing)

Hmm.

Well, uh--

I don't, uh,
particularly feel the--

You did it again.

Hey, hey, Jimbo, baby.

Long time no see!

Baby, you look fucked-up.

No thanks to you.

Oh, now, come on,
go ahead.

You know you want a hit.

You know you do.

Come on.

I missed you, man.

I know you did,
you motherfucker.

(chuckling)
Yeah.

Take me,
come on, take me.

No, no, no-no.

Why?

I didn't-- No, I didn't
come here to get high.

Uh-uh!

Say, well, why did you
come here then?

(chuckling)

"Huh-huh" yourself.

Where you going?
What you--

I come to take you out,
bitch.

(laughing)

Oh, honey, please.

* We hittin' that,
we spittin' that *

* My click is on fire

* We rollin' that,
we kickin' that *

* We spittin' that

* Potluck is on fire

* You know how we do

* I ain't
a mad rapper *

* This is how we do

* MC with
a temper *

Alistair, baby,
what a shocker.

So glad you could come.

You can dispense
with the social niceties.

I'm here for one thing only.

To rescue Janet.

(laughing)

Oh, you poor,
pathetic little geek.

You have no chance.

Well, we'll just
see about that.

You-- you accursed
narcotic paraphernalia!

Way harsh, baby.

If you wish,
this can be

a very pleasant thing
for you, Alistair.

Relax, baby.
Let it--

Let it go.

Uh-huh.
Feels good, right?

Yeah, mmm-mmm-mmm.

I shall not!

Oh, come on...
come on, baby!

Why the negative
vibes, Al?

You got to let
yourself go!

Come on, those girls,
they want you, baby,

they want you!

You're gonna die,
you evil bitch.

Ha! Try again!

What?

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

(cackling)

You can't get me.
Oh-ho-ho.

Oh, you wanna play rough,
do you? Okay.

Come on, come on.
Let's play rough.

Bring out your bring guns,
come on!

(chainsaw revs)

Oh, yeah?

Take this!
Uh-oh.

Whoo!

Whoo!

I love me
some power tools, yes!

(cackling)

Okay, girls,
work him.

Work him, work him,
it's working.

Go, go, go,
yes, deep, uh-huh.

No... no!

I will not succumb
to your bewitching charms.

And it's not Al.

It's Alistair.

Al? Al?
Al! Al!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, that blonde chick's got
a nice set of teeth, huh?

Uh, I suppose.

You don't know where
the exit is, do you?

I think it's that way.

Got a light?

I don't smoke.

That's some do
you got there.

Dry hair's for squids.

Thanks.

**

Al?
Al!

Al, come back.

Al, come back.
Al!

Oh, come on, girls,
what happened?

You let him get away!

(giggling)

* Take that shirt
and strip it off *

* Take that skirt and
strip it off *

* It ain't gonna hurt,
just strip it off *

* Strip it off,
strip it off *

* Take that bra
and strip it off *

* Take them drawers
and strip 'em off *

* Take it all and strip it off

* Strip it off,
strip it off *

* With a pole that could be
up in the fire department *

* And every time I see you
things a-poppin' *

* They get up out the show
with your own apartment *

* They gotta lap on,
put your ass up on it *

* When you bend over,
that's the right position *

* 'Cause I'm the CEO
off the booty commission *

* I ain't just the president,
I'm a member too *

* But when you working that shit
I remember you *

* And how could I forget

* You got an ass like
a motherfuckin' jumbo jet *

* And you ain't taken
a thing off yet *

* Put your clothes on
then we'll put em on again *

* So strip it off,
rip it off... *

Janet!

Hey, wait your turn,
brother.

I'll dance for you
in a minute.

What?

I'm afraid you got
the wrong idea, man.

I'm a red-blooded male
through and through,

and I demand that you
step away from this lady.

Whoo!
Say what?

Cease and desist your
offensive gyrations immediately.

Oh, hi, Alistair,
how you doing, cutie?

What if the lady here
doesn't want me to stop?

Then I'll have to
make certain that she does.

Ooh.

* Take them clothes
and strip 'em off *

* Take it all and strip it off,
strip it off... **

(chainsaw revving)

Ohh.

I told you
it wouldn't work, Jimbo.

(cackling)

Well, I guess we're gonna
have to take this up a notch.

Uh-oh, uh-oh,
oh, shit.

What you got there?

Oh,
you sound worried.

N-Now, you don't
wanna do that now.

You don't wanna make me angry.

(smoke hisses)

Ooh, that's
some good shit, man.

Oh, yeah, baby.

You're not the only one
who can take it up a notch.

What is that, B.C. bud?

Fuckin'-A.

Mmm, oh.

You think you're
gonna get me this way?

Hey, man, I built up resistance
over the years, man.

Uh-huh.

It's gonna take
a lot more than--

than this little weak shit
to get me.

Uh-huh.

(coughing)

Oh, sounds like old times,
Jimbo baby.

Oh, yeah, you call that
a notch, man?

(inhaling)

Oh, oh, no, no.

This ain't gonna
get me, man.

I built up--
I built up a resistance.

I can-- I can...

Jimbo.
(sighing)

Jimbo, baby.

Oh, no.

You're mine, baby.
I can-- I can...

You're mine,
you're mine!

Admit it,
admit it, you're mine.

Oh, that's some good shit.

(laughing)
Yes, baby.

* Ooh la, la

* Ooh la, la

* Ooh la, la

* Ooh la, la, la

* Ooh, la, la

* Ooh la, la
Oh, yeah.

Work it ladies,
work it now, come on.

* Ooh la, la, la

Make it happen, un-huh.

Alistair, why do you
wanna leave?

This place is so great!

(laughing)

That's the drugs talking,
Janet.

Oh.
It's the bong talking.

(Eebee)
Listen to her, Alistair.

You two could be
very happy here together.

No, that's
the bong talking.

(laughing)

We're getting out of here.

And we're leaving
right now.

Okay, ohh...

**

Hey, watch the suit, boyo.

Who are you?

Pipe down, clown,

I'm the one
asking the questions here.

Do you know where we are?

No--
Well, do you, don't you?

(stammering)
I, uh, I... I don't--

You better answer me
or I'm gonna work on you

with a car battery
and a grapefruit spoon.

(laughing)

That's very funny.

You're funny.

Hey, look, I don't know
what the fuck I'm doing here.

But if you find a way out,
will you tell me?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, thanks a lot.

(laughing)
A grapefruit spoon,
that's very funny.

(laughing)

A grapefruit spoon.
Janet, please listen to me.

I implore you.

You have been overcome
by an evil power.

You must resist it.

You can use your mind.

That intelligent
brain of yours.

There you go, that's it.

There is no force in the world
that can't be overcome

by common sense
and sheer logic.

(laughing)

You're hilarious.

And you're so cute,
you're so cute, cute.

(giggling)

Please, Janet.

That's enough, Janet!

Bring him to us!

What is it you want?!

Isn't it obvious,
Alistair?

Use that egghead of yours.

The more you toke from me,
the more powerful I become.

Soon I will control the world,

a great, big,
beautiful, stoned world

with pot smoke clouds
and oceans of bong water.

And is there really anything
so wrong with that, huh?

People should have the right
to get high when they want

and if they want.

You're nothing
but a hopped-up imperialist.

Uh-oh.
A ganja-headed dictator.

Oh, no.

No, this is America.

Land of the free!

Free to get high
on our own discretion.

And not on the whim of some--
some glass-blown witch!

You better back up, boy!

You better mess
with me--

Well, if I can't,
then Jimbo certainly will.

Jimbo? Ha!

That pathetic Deadhead
has no chance, either.

Please.

(coughing)

Oh, man.

(chuckling)

Oh, you think
you got me, man,

but I told you, I built up
a resistance, man.

I'm telling you,
nothing can faze me, man.

(cackling)

See ya!

Alistair,
I'm all horny.

Janet.

Ooh.
Let's play a game.

Ooh, I like games.

Great.

Uh...
close your eyes.

And open your mouth.

Oh, you're
a naughty boy.

* Rappers in the head with
the mic during freestyle wars *

* And get thrown
out the doors *

What was that?

Uh, just a mint.

I-- I'm sorry to say,

you had a mild case
of halitosis.

Oh, my God,
I'm sorry, give me another one.

* About what the fuck
is going on out there *

* You like that, fuck you,
we like it like that... **

(crunching)

These don't taste
like mint.

Wait a minute,
what-- what is this?

Just a few vitamins.

A few?

Hey... what's
the big idea here?

Oh, oh, no, I--
I didn't do that.

I would never take
advantage of a lady

when her faculties
have been compromised.

Okay.

(Eebee)
That's not what I heard.

And where are we?

I'm not exactly sure.

But now that the effects

of the marijuana
are wearing off,

I think we'll be able
to get out of here finally.

(door opening)

Jimbo.
Hey.

What are you
doing here?

Oh, she got me, man.

She broke out
the good stuff.

BC bud, man,
I couldn't resist.

Oh, no, we've already taken
the vitamins you gave us.

Do you have any more?

No.

It's okay,
I don't need 'em.

Well, maybe you'll
still make it.

Come with us.
No... no, no, no.

You guys get out of here.

I got a little surprise
for that little bitch.

Thanks, Jimbo,
for everything.

Hey, my pleasure,
man.

Hey, so...
no, go on, beat it.

Okay, you little bitch,
I'm coming to get you.

Come on then,
come on!

I can take you.

I can take you with
my hands tied behind me.

Come on, come on!

You know you're not gonna win,
Jimbo, baby, huh.

Yeah, but I ain't
gonna lose, either.

Put this in your pipe,
you evil bitch.

Oh, no.

No, no!
(beeping)

Nooooo!

(explosion erupts)

**

(both laughing)

Oh, Janet,
I'm so glad you're okay.

I believe it's
finally over.

We're finally safe.

What about them?

Look.

* Can you take me
higher *

Dudes, trippy stuff,

but I was just completely under,
completely, bro.

(both laughing)

Oh, man,
I'm thrashed.

How long have
we been out of it?

You two are looking
awfully cozy.

Yeah, didn't
I tell you you'd score?

Well, maybe sometimes
dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams,
I just had the weirdest one,

but I can hardly
remember it now.

It's like I got some
of that crazy backwater

sloshing around in my skull.

Dudes!

I just woke up in the basement
underneath a pile of trash.

We must've had one sick party
last night, man.

W-Wait a minute.

Where's Jimbo?

He destroyed the bong,
but he--

He must've
perished in the attempt.

Truly a hero's demise.
Mm-hmm.

**

Hey, Jimbo.
Hey, Jimbo.

Hey, what's up?

Whatever you want.

You're in charge
now.

Really?
It's all yours.

No shit?

No shit, Jimbo.

Tell us
what you want.

(chuckling)

What do I want?

You know what I want?

I want you girls to play
with my... Hot Wheels.

One for you and one for you
and one for you and one for you.

Okay, everybody's got
Hot Wheels.

Okay, they go,
vroom, vroom, vroom.

Vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom.
Vroom...

Oh, this one's got
a big mountain to climb.

Vroom!
It's a tough one.

Oh, is he gonna make it,
is it gonna make it?

No, he come back down.

Vroom.
Oh, now we're over here.

Ohh.

(giggling)

Right through
the mountains.

Ooh.

Oh, we're going
down into the bush area.

(gasping)
You are so right, Tommy.

Oh, man, Hot Wheels
are so hot.

Uh-oh, uh-oh,
no brakes.

Whoa, look out
for the mammary wall.

(mimicking tires screeching)

(crash sound effect)

Well, I don't know
about you,

but I just got a contact high
from watching that movie.

You know, they say
that smoking pot

is bad for your memory.

Thank God, because
this was one movie

I cannot wait to forget.

Remember there was
that one part where, uh, uh...

Oh, and then there was
that other part

where the guy was...

The, uh...

Uh, well, I'm not exactly sure
what happened

because I got the munchies

and I forgot
to put it on pause.

Oh, but my favorite part,
I'll never forget because,

uh, basically I have no
recollection of what happened.

Um, that's what sets this movie
apart from all the others.

After it's over,
you can't remember a part of it.

(doorbell chimes)

Oh, boy, oh,
I hope that's the delivery boy

with the item I've been
waiting for.

Yeah, that's it.

It's the item
you've been waiting for.

(gasping)

Whoa!

Dude, it's my Evil Bong.

Oh, my gosh, kids,
don't try this at home.

Come over to my house
and try it.

(bubbling)

Whoa, man.

I forgot what I was
supposed to say next.

Oh, yeah, man,
now I remember.

Unpleasant dreams...

man.

(squealing)

Oh, Lordy, nobody told me I was
gonna be on no Elvira show.

I thought I was
showing up for Oprah.

Damn, is this scale?

Nobody told me
I was gonna get scale.

I thought I was gonna get
at least 10% for my agent.

Ooh, they gonna call me,
they gonna dump me.

I know they gonna dump me.

Does this make me look fat?
I look fat on that monitor.

Oh, no, they say the camera
adds ten pounds.

I should totally cut off
the munchies, oh, Lordy.

I should totally cut off
the munchies, oh, Lordy.

(announcer)
Coming soon
from Full Moon Horror.

**

(doorbell chimes)

Yeah?

Larnell,
it's Alistair.

Give me some knucks.

Booyah.

Man hug, come on.

Oh, oh.

How can you
smoke that?

I mean, after everything
that happened?

It wasn't the weed,
it was the bong.

That evil fuckin' bong.

Monkey.

Is this what you were
telling me about?

I think he's got
something wrong with him.

You seen Brett lately?

I don't know
what it is, man.

I can't stop eating.

It's the exaggerated side
effects of smoking pot.

Dude, it's what I was
trying to tell you.

My sexual urges make me
pounce like a fuckin' cougar.

Get off of me,
you freak!

It's the bong, bro.

She's the one doing this fuckin'
shit to us, we gotta stop it.

**

Never trust your wiener.

* Going to destroy me,
Mrs. Green *

* Whoa,
I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel
your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me,
Mrs. Green *

* You and me we've been
together for a long time *

* And your intoxicating scent
makes me feel right *

* And I don't care
that you've been *

* Passed around a couple times

* Or that my brother brought you
home with him the other night *

* 'Cause you and me
we got a special bond *

* And that'll never break

* You make me feel
higher than a kite *

* I might just fly away

* Mrs. Green, I guess
that's kind of why *

* I'm writing this today

* 'Cause everything
is so intense *

* I think
I'm gonna need a break *

* Ooh ooh ooh, yeah,
you got me *

* Ooh ooh ooh,
where you want me *

* Ooh ooh

* Can't you see
it's you, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how
you adore me *

* But one day I feel
your wicked ways *

* Are going
to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how
you adore me *

* But one day
I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me,
Mrs. Green *

* I know it was
my first time to meet you *

* But now that I've seen you,
I'm sure that I need you *

* My feelings, I see,
girl, I need a redo *

* All I wanna do is
breathe you in *

* Is that a sin,
let our journey begin *

* Now I had you over once,
we better do it again *

* You don't even mind
when I bring all my friends *

* But then again, girl, I don't
even know where you been *

* Ooh ooh ooh, yeah,
you got me *

* Ooh ooh ooh,
where you want me *

* Ooh ooh

* Can't you see it's you,
Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know how
you adore me *

* But one day
I feel your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me,
Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh,
I know how you adore me *

* But one day I feel
your wicked ways *

* Are going
to destroy me, Mrs. Green *

* You looking fine tonight,
all green, red hair *

* With purple highlights

* You're just my type
and just so right *

* I might have to see
your cherry in the light *

* I feel you getting hot
with my fingertips *

* Smell you in the air,
taste you on my lips *

* Take some good trips,
it ain't that tricky *

* I spend enough cash,
you always end up sticky *

* Ooh ooh ooh, yeah,
you got me *

* Ooh ooh ooh,
where you want me *

* Ooh ooh

* Can't you see it's you,
Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know
how you adore me *

* But one day I feel
your wicked ways *

* Are going to destroy me,
Mrs. Green *

* Whoa oh, I know
how you adore me *

* But one day I feel
your wicked ways *

* Are going
to destroy me, Mrs. Green **