Original subtitles

Hello, darlings. It's me.

That slinky twinky with a love of the kinky.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, aka EMOTD.

And have I got a movie for you.

Well, not yet.

I still haven't gone through my trash can.

I am the diva of dumpster divers.

You know what they say.

One man's trash is another man's garbage.

And speaking of garbage, let's find something to watch.

Shall we?

( flies buzzing )

Shoo! Shoo!

Go find your own crappy movies!

Oh...

Oh, you asked for it.

Take that!

Ow!

That was stupid of me.

Next time, I think I'll use insect spray.

Oh, well, let's see. What do we have here?

Oh, "Hideous!" which sounds hideous.

Uh, "Hideous!",

"Hideous!", "Hideous!".

"Hideous!"

Wait a sec.

All these movies are "Hideous!".

That is the last time I steal Charles Band's trash can.

So take your choice, darling.

It's either "Hideous!" or "Hideous!".

( cheering )

All right, the polls are now closed

and America has voted.

And the winner is "Hideous!"

( cheering )

Honey, you just made me a very happy girl.

Well, I do what I can with what I got in the can.

And what I got is "Hideous!"

( distorted voices )

All right, you boys. I know you're both new.

So this may seem a bit strange

and unfamiliar to you at first.

You just got to pace yourself, that's all.

That's the key.

Keep the sewage flowing. That's the idea.

Something bad comes into the trap,

it's our job to fish it out.

Fish it out, dump it in the bins.

That's it.

Basic.

Hey, five bucks!

Ha, save it for your retirement.

( chuckles )

Aw, that's nothin'.

I once fished a kilo of heroin out of the trap.

Turned it over to the police, of course.

Yeah, find all sorts of stuff.

Diamond ring, necklaces.

Wanna know a little secret?

My Lizzie's engagement ring?

Got it right here.

Whoa, shitty way to start a marriage.

( coughing )

I once fished a woman's hand out with fingerprints cut off.

Eww, I hope that's not where you got the ring.

You know, don't want it around, flush it down.

Bullshit!

Oh, we get 'em. Four or five a year.

Sometimes, like...

they ain't got no arms and legs and shit.

You know, deformed.

Sometimes we get things

don't rightly know what the hell they are.

I reckon I seen just about everything

that can come out of sewer pipe.

Aw, what...

What the hell is this?

Come on, Martin, what is it?

It's just one of them things.

Holy shit!

Man!

So what is it?

Well, like I said, it's one of them things.

What do we do with it?

I'll take care of it.

That's my responsibility as head of the shift.

So you two can relax. Everything's under my control.

Well, that's the whole point, George.

I knew you had a bicephalic fetus.

I sold it to you.

That's why I know that little two-headed darlin's a boy.

This one I got now is a girl. You'll have a matched set.

Yeah, that's how I like to work.

Well now, I think we're talking somewhere along the lines

of $12,500 with free delivery.

Yes, George.

Honey, honey, I know that two-headed babies

ain't as rare as once they were.

But you can't exactly pick one up at Sears, now can you?

Try Target.

( slurps )

( telephone rings )

International Medical Specimens, Inc.

Elvina speaking.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay now. Hold on.

I'll see if Miss Yost is free.

( computer beeps )

( sighs )

Hi, hello?

Miss Yost, she's like on another call sort of thing.

Do you think you can hold?

Yeah, yeah. I can hold.

Okay, sweetie.

Honey, honey, I gotta tell you.

When I first looked into those two pairs of baby blues

peeking out at me from that bottle of

denatured alcohol, I thought of you.

But, you know, your Belinda doesn't believe in the hard sell.

I mean, you ain't interested.

I pick up this phone, this little two-headed angel's

gonna be flying to somebody else.

And, Georgie boy, this is a no-deposit, no-return kind of business.

Wanna come on down? And take a look?

That's fine.

You like the little angel, you give me a certified check,

cash and carry.

Well, I look forward to seeing you too.

Right.

Yes, baby! You got it. You are so good.

Elvina?

Is that guy from the sewer still on hold?

Well, he's still on the line.

But I can't...

Fine, fine, fine.

I think the hold thing ain't workin'.

Never mind.

Martin, angel.

Long time, no hear.

Where have you been hiding yourself?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Say that again?

No, no, no. Just describe it.

Yeah?

Yeah?

I'll be right down.

Elvina, call up Mr. Lazar.

Tell him they have something really hot coming in.

Tell him to meet me down in cold storage in...

oh, shoot, an hour.

Well, what about Dr. Lorca?

I mean, I thought we were supposed to...

Honey, honey, if I wanted a thinking receptionist,

you'd be working at Burger King, okay?

Now pick up the phone. And call Mr. Lazar.

I've gotta run.

Well, can I take...lunch?

Hello? Dr. Lorca?

This is Elvina Shaw from... well, you know.

Well, you know how you told me to call you if...

Why, yes, she is.

Just like you suspected, I bet.

Uh-huh. Mr. Lazar.

That's right. Uh-huh.

Sure, sure. As soon as I find something out.

Uh-huh. Well, thank you.

Sheila, this world is full of dishonest people.

Do tell, Doc.

I have paid this woman, this Belinda Yost,

a costly retainer for years to guarantee that

I will have the first opportunity to buy her unusual specimens.

Don't have to tell me. I write the checks.

And now she has gone behind my back!

And to whom do you think?

Smithsonian?

That would be bad enough.

But she's sneaking behind my back with that gauche,

undiscriminating collector of medical garbage,

Napoleon Lazar.

How can I continue to business with this dishonest woman?

Doc, you want my opinion?

Perhaps.

You say the world is full of dishonest people.

I say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

So, has Miss Yost said anything more about the specimen?

Um, nope.

Nope?

Ah, well.

Well, Miss Yost.

Viva Napoleon.

Just hold on sec.

And I want to show you something that'll knock your socks off.

When I leave in the middle of a board meeting,

I expect to have my socks knocked.

Have I ever disappointed you?

Occasionally.

Oh, now don't be like that.

Well, Marty boy, have I made you happy?

You sure have.

If I find anything else...

You'll just give me a call.

Elvina, why don't you show Martin on out?

Um, yeah, sure.

Come on.

And close the door on your way out.

Sir, you're about to spend a huge quantity of money.

Well, it's always good to know these things.

In fact, I'm gonna tell you exactly what you're gonna do.

In about 60 seconds, you're gonna pick up your portable phone.

You're gonna call someone.

And gonna have them deliver to me a certified check for $650,000.

How eccentric of me.

In addition, you're gonna sign some documents

I got tucked in here somewhere.

Said documents constituting a guarantee to purchase

no less than $250,000 of medical specimens

from me per year for the next 10 years.

How generous of me.

I give you a check.

I agree to purchase a quarter of a million dollars of your medical leftovers?

Per year for the next 10 years.

Per year for the next 10 years.

( chuckles )

My goodness.

Whatever has come over me?

Napoleon, you're sweet.

But I can see right through you

into the other side, my friend.

I got three drunks, two junkies and six fat people

in my immediate family alone.

I know when someone's hooked on something.

I know all the signs.

I just name my price.

And I won't negotiate.

If the air's too thin for you,

then there's no reason for me to open this box.

I won't get more from anybody else.

I know that, but this is what I want.

And if you won't give it to me,

then I'll take less from Lorca.

Don't mention that medical fraud, that cadaverous Castilian dilettante!

Honey, you're either in the game or you're not.

Open the box.

( screeching )

May I?

Please.

It's real, all right.

Don't think I would have bought it otherwise.

It ain't no Piltdown, baby.

( dials phone )

Alfonse, attend please.

You are to go to Mr. Willitson at our special bank.

You are to have him draft a certified check

for $650,000 made out to Miss Belinda Yost.

That's right.

Repeat, please.

That is correct.

You are then to hand-carry that check to me here

at International Medical Specimens.

Estimated time, please?

Make it snappy, nappy.

Thank you. That will be acceptable.

And, Alfonse, don't be late.

You'll have your check within two hours.

Honey, you just made me a very happy girl.

The documents, please?

Emilio?

The little pigeon is on his way.

Roger Wilco, over and out.

What?

This is my private road.

( sighs )

Yes, yes.

Are you alive, hmm?

You know, you shouldn't be here.

Hey! You!

Don't move, little froggie!

Whoa! Don't point those things at me!

What is this?

It ain't Candid Camera. Open the door!

You try anything funny, I'll fill you with

so many holes people will be able to read through you!

My wallet is in my inside pocket.

Move! Shut up! Up against that tree!

Girl, why not put a paper bag over your head like the rest of your dates?

Why offend the gorillas?

And what are you doing walking around like that?

With no top on?

I'm free, I'm proud, I'm woman!

Now wrap your arms around that tree!

You realize, of course,

you're gonna go to jail for this.

I know.

That's why I keep comin' back to a life of crime.

It's 'cause I like bein' in jail.

Trouble is, they keep letting me out.

Think I'd get a longer sentence with murder?

How amusing.

I happen to have an excellent sense of humor.

Sit tight, froggie.

Oh, brrr.

This scene's making my nipples hard just watching it.

Wait! There's nothing of value in there!

Where you goin'? The beach?

It's a biological specimen.

It's dangerous, contagious!

Wow, it's cool.

Bet this'll be a real ice-breaker at parties.

No, no, no, no!

You can take anything else!

Take the car!

I already got a car!

Listen, listen. I'll give you more money!

What are you gonna do? Write me a check?

See you around, froggie!

No, no, no! Wait! Come back, please!

Please!

Come back, you thief!

Please!

You ho! I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!

Come back! Come back!

It's magnificent!

I've never seen anything like it.

No one has.

There never has been anything like this, never!

It's...

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Quickly, one of the large jars.

Can do.

There you are, my treasure.

This is your new home.

Here you will be appreciated, loved.

Doc, you two wanna be left alone?

Yes...

yes, I think we do.

I won't be having dinner tonight, I think.

Well, I will.

See you later, Doc.

Sheila?

Don't forget the preservative.

Can do.

And, Sheila?

Thank you so much for this.

My pleasure, Doc.

I always knew I'd make a great highway robber.

I'm going to go take care of the car.

Quicksand?

She can't die quick enough for me.

Warning. Acid bath. Please stand clear.

Three, two, one. Goodbye.

( distorted voices )

Right, okay.

Let me just see if I can get this straight in my head.

There are these guys who sell freaks in bottles.

And you're like this class A, big-time freak collector.

Biological oddities.

Right.

And like your job is selling the freaks

in the bottles that this guy buys.

That's right.

You're like the chief freak broker in this freak collectin' underground?

Remember the skeleton of the Elephant Man?

Michael Jackson wanted to buy it?

He didn't get it.

He didn't come to me.

Yeah. Now my problem is, you sell this really hot shit freak

to him for some undisclosed sum.

And somebody rips it off at gunpoint.

And keeps me handcuffed to a tree for the next 14 hours.

So why don't you go to the police?

Well...

The thing is, Mr. Kantor, although what we do is

not considered illegal,

it has a...oh, what's the word?

Creepy?

Unsavory reputation.

The legal situation is, well, a rather gray area.

And we want to keep it gray.

Thus, no police.

We know where my specimen is.

We can't be sure.

Oh, I can be sure.

It was stolen by one of the most depraved,

immoral and covetous creatures on the face of the earth.

Dr. Emilio Lorca.

I take it he has an interest in this stuff?

I am a serious collector.

Lorca is a dabbler, a dilettante...

How did this Lorca guy know that you had this goober?

I would very much like to know the answer

to that question myself.

Could your phone in your office be bugged?

I check my offices bi-monthly.

This is a business that requires discretion.

And the last time was only two days ago.

Your receptionist?

My receptionist is a performing chimp in human disguise.

She's too stupid to be dishonest.

Miss Yost, I've yet to meet a person that stupid.

She the cupcake out in the waiting room?

Yeah, she's the cupcake, Elvina.

Send her in.

Hi, Elvina.

Hi, there.

You know what's going on here?

Uh, well...

Take your time.

( sighs )

Yeah?

Yeah, you do.

Yeah.

Okay, now. Listen carefully.

Doctor Lorca, he was arrested early today.

He told the police that you helped him steal

the freak from Mr. Lazar here.

That fucker!

He told the police that you were the one

who actually stuck the gun in Mr. Lazar's face.

And left him handcuffed to a tree.

Nuh-uh! Not me!

All I did was I...

He said the whole thing was your idea.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I'm sorry, baby, but it looks like jail for you.

Doc's a respected man. You're not.

He's cutting a deal right now.

You know, it'll go a lot easier for you

with the judge if you just confess.

No! No, I swear on my honor!

Cross my heart! Hope to die!

All I did was to tell him about the specimen!

I didn't know nothin' else!

And I put up with your typing for three years!

'Cause I thought you were too stupid to stab me in the back!

You're fired! You're fired from everywhere!

You're fired from the fucking universe!

Huh?

The police don't know anything about Dr. Lorca.

I lied to you.

Yeah?

Yeah!

Well, I lied to you too.

Ow!

You ungrateful little poodle dog!

Well, it was all your fault!

You broke your word to Dr. Lorca.

He was supposed to have first dibs!

And what are you?

Defender of the fucking public morals?

Oh, you're an evil, corrupt person!

She takes drugs.

She doesn't wear any panties!

She has sex in her office with all these men all on her desk!

You ungrateful little poodle...

Ladies! Ladies!

Get off of me! Get off of me!

Fucking ladies, knock it off!

Knock it off!

Miss Yost?

Hey, Miss Yost?

Normally, I'm all in for a good cat fight.

But seeing as you are paying me $160 an hour for my time,

you might want to consider calling this one a draw for right now.

Well, I think I'm gonna leave now.

Oh, actually, I think you're gonna stay.

'Cause even though they haven't caught Dr. Lorca yet,

there's still the possibility.

And that makes you an accessory before the fact.

I'm a what?

It means when you called Dr. Lorca and told him about

the goober, you helped him to steal it in the eyes of the law.

Nuh-uh.

No. Uh-uh.

So if you wanna stay out of the clutches of

the highly immoral and sexually diverse females of County Jail,

your full-time job from now until I say so

is gettin' back the aforementioned freak.

You understand?

( whimpers )

Look, do what I say, you stay out of jail.

Got it?

Yeah.

So, you see, my suspicions were firmly grounded.

That intellectual fraud, Lorca, is probably pawing

my specimens right now with his thick, clumsy fingers.

Touching it, probing it.

Violating it,

inserting instruments into the most private...

We get the idea, nappy.

So what do we do now?

Simple. You call up Dr. Lorca

and tell him you need to talk to him about a new specimen.

Something he's sure to be interested in.

But you need to come over and see him in person.

Now you don't wanna let on that you suspect him.

Or you even know that Mr. Lazar here got robbed.

Make it convincing.

Make him want to invite you over.

That'll be as hard as force-feeding chocolate cake to a fat boy. Then what?

Well, the four of us take a little ride over to Lorca's

and get back your goober.

Aren't you glad you installed the closed circuit camera like I told you?

Yes.

You're very clever indeed.

You see?

Lazar is with him, as you suspected.

But who is the other man?

Muscle, I'll bet.

Shall I tell 'em to get lost?

No. That might drive them to the police.

They have no proof.

I'll see them in the parlor.

Everything is under control.

( babbling )

( glass breaking )

It's quite a little castle you got here, Doc.

Yes, it originally stood on the Rhine.

I had it torn down

and reassembled here with modern conveniences.

What do you keep in all these rooms?

Maybe we should take a little tour of your castle.

Really? With or without my permission?

Aw, come on, Doc.

You're too smart to play dumb.

You see the cast of characters here.

You know what's goin' on.

Of course. I admit. I spoke to your receptionist.

You and I had an arrangement, Miss Yost.

I had the right to assure myself that that arrangement was being honored.

Which it was not.

Did you have the right to send your vixen to waylay me?

I never saw you before in my life, froggie.

Slut!

You cheap slut!

Hey! Now, slut I don't mind.

But I'm a costly slut.

Deal with it.

Ribbit.

Hey, hey! Now settle down! Settle down!

Do you mind?

The fact that Miss Shaw spoke to me

is not evidence that I committed any crime.

Certainly not evidence that you could take to the police.

Certainly not evidence that would get you a search warrant.

Oh, we don't wanna go to the police.

Unless you force us to.

Then, of course, we will.

But then maybe nobody gets the goober.

You go to jail.

And you could lose your entire collection.

Even if I were to believe that you would go to the police,

go to the police with what?

At which point, Dr. Lorca then told me that he meant

to steal the specimen from Mr. Lazar.

And that further, he intended to employ his female assistant

whose name is Sheila in furtherance of his plans.

Well, shoot.

I don't wanna go to jail. There's lesbians there.

I always thought that was one of the advantages.

So you see, Dr. Lorca, if I don't get it,

no one will have it.

Miss Yost, I am prepared to match whatever Mr. Lazar

offered you to the penny.

Well, Dr. Lorca, you must understand that it really hasn't...

It's not up to her. The specimen is my property.

She cannot sell what is not hers to sell.

I have the right of first refusal on any specimen.

A right for which I paid.

Gentlemen, that's a matter for the courts to decide.

Don't be childish, my little Emilio.

You know, I always find it amusing.

A man like you inherits what?

$50 million dollars?

And starts to think he's really wealthy?

Well, I'm afraid that your playing altogether

outside your league.

Reconcile yourself!

Some things are simply too rich for your blood.

I am a serious, committed collector.

Not some amateur.

I, sir, am a gourmet of the unusual.

You are nothing more than a gourmand.

I have the most complete collection of...

Of biological trash!

You come here barking at my door like a mongrel.

Very well. I challenge you.

Even a man who putters through life in a creaky succession

of little lime green Honda Civics knows

the superiority of the Rolls Royce

when he sees it with his own eyes!

I will show you my specimens.

If you can claim in good conscience

that a single specimen of yours surpasses one of my own

in perfection, then I am prepared to assure you

that your missing specimen will be returned.

If not, then you will disappear from my life forever.

And I will hear from you and your cohorts no more.

And matters stand as they are.

Do you accept my challenge?

Gladly.

( owl hoots )

So what's with all this table-sitting stuff anyway?

It's just part of my incredibly cute persona.

Gotta admit you are pretty cute.

The vest and the hot pants and stuff, you know.

Most women would be a bit uncomfortable seeing company dressed like that.

But you pull it off nicely.

Thank you.

So what's with you and the Doc anyway?

You were, like, raised by wolves or something?

He found and educated you?

No. I answered an ad in the Sunday Herald.

Doc was looking for a personal assistant.

You know, someone to clean the castle.

Take care of his specimens.

Keep his books, write his checks.

And he hired you?

I must say, it worked out rather nicely for the both of us.

Well, I have to admit, there aren't many places in

this big wide world for someone as eccentric

and potentially dangerous as myself fits in.

I can't argue with that.

I mean, that look would definitely not fly for,

say, like a dental hygienist.

Man, this little bitty sandwiches are good.

What's in there? Salmon?

Salmon pate and watercress.

I made the pate myself.

Well, I'm glad to see you're enjoying

your little sandwiches at $160 an hour, Mr. Kantor.

I live to serve, Miss Yost.

But my services are no longer required.

I want you to know who the hell is keeping you.

So where we at, Doc?

Where are we at, you ask?

Well, I am here

sampling some of Sheila's delicious

pate and watercress sandwiches.

He's so sweet.

You, Mr. Kantor and Miss Elvina Shaw

are cooling your collective heels.

Sheila is being her usual charming self.

And Mr. Lazar is in my study having his soul

slowly and inexorably crushed in a hydraulic press.

Ooh, that looks like a jar of pickled pigs feet.

Where my hot sauce at?

This Planaria!

This Planaria!

It's five times larger than any specimen known to science!

Oh, and the condition!

I can count the spines on the anterior palps!

My collection!

My life!

A sham!

You're inhuman!

Then you admit defeat?

Yes.

No!

That was only part of your collection.

What about the human specimens, hmm?

And you think I would have lower standards for our own species than for flatworms?

Oh, no talk! Just show me!

Very well. Right this way, please.

Follow me.

What? Me too?

By all means, especially you, my dear.

( gasps )

My babies! They're gone! Where are they?

( grunting )

( screaming )

What's all this fighting about?

Emilio?

Emilio, let go of Napoleon's ear right now!

Can we act civilized, please?

Are you listening to me?

Don't just stand there! Stop them!

What for? The Doc's winning!

Kantor, do you mind?

Ahem, excuse me?

Mr. Lazar, will you roll Doc Lorca over on top?

All right, Doc.

Stop now or I start breaking some fingers!

- Now! - Ah!

Can we all just settle down here?

I swear to God, you two.

You make me ashamed to be in this line of work.

You'll never get away with this!

Neither will you! Where are my babies?

What have you done with them?

I don't know what you're talking about!

Liar! You were in the study alone.

No one else could have touched them!

Quiet down, you two! Behave yourselves!

Listen, you were only out of the study for a minute.

How could he have found this place, hidden the goobers,

and got back out in that length of time?

I don't know.

Perhaps Mr. Lazar can answer that question himself.

And look, there's alcohol splattered all over the place.

And there is none on Mr. Lazar.

Look, on the floor.

It's just splatters.

No, no, no, no. Look.

Nothing inside.

And just what are you suggesting?

That my specimens broke out of their bottles

and climbed through the wall vent?

No, this is altogether too conveniently theatrical

a display for my tastes!

I want my babies back!

And none of you are leaving here until I get them!

( gurgling )

( whispering )

You knew your pitiful collection of human oddities could never match mine.

So you staged this absurdity.

You intended this all along.

Well, you Castilian swine, the deal is off!

I want my specimen back!

Wait a sec. Wait a sec. Wait a sec.

You think you can hide behind your lies or this buffoon!

- Hey, now hold on! - You caught me by surprise.

I will never let that happen again!

I said wait a second!

I don't care what any of you said.

This is just not normal.

Boy, there's today's understatement.

That's enough! I will have my babies back!

Sheila, seal the castle!

What did you just do?

Just listen.

( whispering )

( growls )

This is some major fucked-up shit!

Ah, you noticed. Good. I'm glad I'm getting my money's worth.

I should be charging you hazard pay for like psychological trauma!

Aren't you glad you installed the case-hardened steel shutters like I told you?

I believe the original intention was to keep people out, not in.

Works both ways.

Enough of this nonsense!

Open the doors!

Emilio, I am very disappointed in you.

Really? Well, the disappointment is mutual.

Now listen carefully, everyone.

No one is leaving here until my specimens are returned.

What? Me too?

Oh, no. You can go.

Oh, thank God.

So how do I get outta here--

She was being sarcastic, you moron!

Huh?

Well, that's not very funny!

Stealing is one thing.

But kidnapping is something altogether different.

And assault and battery.

I shouldn't have to point out that we outnumber you.

Plus, Mr. Kantor is armed.

Uh, no, I'm not.

What?

I don't carry a gun. I don't even own one.

$160 an hour and you don't have a gun?

Who the hell do I look like? Mannix?

You want a bodyguard, get a bodyguard.

You pay me for my skill as an investigator,

my experience and my mental prowess.

Christ!

Well, even though Mr. Kantor doesn't have a gun,

he's clearly a match for the both of you physically.

You can fight, can't you?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Plus, with the four of us, we outnumber you four to two.

Actually, it's 11 to 4.

What?

Me, the Doc and nine silly little millimeters

as in nine millimeter semi-automatic.

Shoots a clip at 20 slugs in half a second.

Aren't you glad I had you buy it for me?

Indeed I am.

Please, everyone. Sit down.

What? Me too?

- Yes! - Yes!

All right, all right.

Now I am not, despite recent events,

an unreasonable person.

However, let me make it perfectly clear that,

if my specimens are not returned to me

and in perfect condition,

none of you are going to get of here alive.

And rest assured, if they have been harmed in any way,

whatever you have done to them, I will do to you.

I'm glad you're not being unreasonable.

- Mr.... - Kantor.

Mr. Kantor, every man has an overriding passion,

a thing for which he will do anything,

a thing for which he will kill.

For men like me, even like Mr. Lazar,

it's the pursuit of biologically unique oddities.

For Miss Yost, it's money.

For the ineluctable Miss Shaw, who can say?

Bingo perhaps.

Huh?

Enough, please.

Now my dear Sheila is going to take you upstairs

to a little room we have.

More of a storage closet actually.

You will be locked in.

Then we will search this house.

If we find my babies in good condition,

I will be inclined toward leniency.

Otherwise...

Now before we drag this whole thing out,

does someone perhaps have something to say?

Yeah. I think all of you, inclusive,

are off to the see the wizard.

First of all, there's no way any of us

could have pinched your little goobers.

Second of all, even if we did, who cares?

Third, the whole freak thing,

the buying, the selling, the trading,

it's weird, fucked up.

So why don't we just go home?

You two guys can get yourself a life.

Collect stamps, join the Y.

Go into local politics, go on a date, something.

Well, that was pretty pathetic.

What? Me too?

- Yes! - Yes!

All right! Everybody's yelling at me!

You try to do the right thing, you try to help somebody out!

And this is what happens?

Come on, pigeons. This way to the coop.

Oh, don't be so gloomy.

It's the Van Gogh look.

It's probably already infected.

Miss Yost...

Look, we're all adults here.

Don't be laying no grief on me.

I gotta pee.

Don't let us stop you.

What? In front of everybody?

That's gross!

( sputters )

Hey, knock if off!

Hey, baby, you wanna come up here and try this for a while?

You don't like it, move!

Man, talk about a dog shit day.

Goes to show you.

You work for squirrels, you end up nuts.

All right. Pass me up something heavy.

How much do you weigh, Elvina?

Huh?

Hey, knock it off! My arms are getting tired.

Excuse me.

All right.

All right, stand clear.

Well, they sure knew how to build them back then.

What are you gonna do now?

Damn.

Oh, he's reading one of my favorite books.

"How to Look Hideous" by Paris Hilton.

( banging )

What the hell's that banging sound?

( thud )

( whispering )

( banging )

Hey! Hey!

What is it?

Listen!

Where is it coming from?

It's the other side of this wall.

( tapping )

( whispering )

What could it be?

More of Lorca's prisoners, no doubt.

He may have dozens, for all we know.

Now there's a comforting thought.

( tapping )

( whispering )

( squeals )

I don't suppose anybody here knows Morse Code?

Well, unless it's a telegraph operator

on the other side of the wall,

it really doesn't matter much now, does it?

I guess not.

Hey, other side of the wall!

Can you hear me?

Knock twice if you can hear me.

( whispering )

Are you prisoners too?

Knock twice if you are.

Hey, so are we.

We're locked in this closet.

Are you locked in too?

Knock twice if you are.

( whispering )

Can you get out of your room?

( whispering )

If he can hear you, why is he knocking at all?

Why doesn't he just answer?

Maybe he's a deaf mute.

Elvina, if you were deaf,

how could he hear the questions?

Well, maybe he...

I don't know.

All right, clear out of my way!

All right, you out there!

We're locked in this closet.

And as you probably know, the entire freaking castle

is sealed up tighter than a lockjaw.

( whispering )

Don't look too good for us.

And it probably don't look too good for you either.

You help us, we'll help you.

What do you say?

All right. Can you get out of wherever you're at?

( tapping )

All right, baby.

This is the $64,000 question now.

Can you unlock this door and get us out?

Does that mean you can't?

( whispering )

Am I boring you?

Listen.

Hey, are you out there or not?

Honey, honey, can you unlock this door and get us out?

( whispering )

( screeches )

How's it coming?

What the hell?

( read gibberish )

You know what? I bet it's a kid.

Maybe a little kid.

I can't make head nor tails of this.

It says "Door lock. How open."

Listen up.

You need to get a crowbar.

It's a metal bar with an edge to slip between the door and the jamb.

You understand?

( tapping twice )

How many of you are out there?

( four taps )

What the hell?

Four of them?

My babies!

It makes no sense!

None of them could have gotten upstairs without being seen!

And Lazar would have had to walk through this room

in order to reach the rest of the house!

Where could they be?

Unless...

Unless he put them in the acid bath after all.

Perhaps his over-inflated ego couldn't accept

utter defeat at my hands!

Perhaps...

My babies...

Doc, can I give you some advice?

Yes, yes.

Someone upstairs in that closet

has to have a pretty good idea what happened to your babies.

Let's motivate them.

Yes, and we'll start with Lazar.

I think they've got it.

Do you have it? Do you have the crowbar?

( muttering )

Okay, stand back.

That's it! It's coming!

Keep it up!

I'll pay you $100,000 if you can get me out of this house!

( grunts )

( muttering )

( gasps )

Oh, it's magnificent.

Look! My specimen!

My specimen! It's alive!

This closet suddenly doesn't seem so bad.

Do you think they're dangerous?

I think that would be numbered among the possibilities, yes.

Miss Yost, I've got to have them!

- What? - What?

Listen to me, all of you!

I'll give you a million dollars each if you help me catch them

and get them out of here!

Your brain's fried. What are you talking about?

- I'll do it. - What?

For a million dollars? I'll help.

Hey, you gotta look to the future since I'm unemployed.

I'm in for two million.

What?

Hey, if she's getting a million, I'm worth at least two.

Very well. Done!

I take it you're sitting this one out, Mr. Kantor?

No, hold on a second here.

Hasn't anybody noticed anything strange?

Like what?

Like the fact that these freaks are like alive?

I mean, that's a little bit odd, even for you.

You guys are all Dr. Lorca's freaks, right?

You were all pickled in bottles? Dead?

I mean, somebody correct me if I'm wrong here.

But this is not normal.

These guys no longer fall into the category of being

like biological oddities.

Of course, I understand that!

They are unique biological oddities.

( squealing )

My babies! You're...

You're alive!

Get one of those blankets!

No! No gun!

We can't risk injuring them!

Doc, this is really not normal.

That's what I said.

Get away from them, Lorca. They're coming with me.

Really? And where do you think you're going?

I'm gonna give them the home that they deserve.

Gourmet food, sophisticated entertainment,

the finest education,

a gymnasium, anything.

Anything you want.

Don't listen to him!

Who kept you safe in your bottles?

Who tended you? Who loved you?

Don't listen to that man!

To him, you'll never be more than another notch in his belt!

Oh, don't believe him!

All he wants to do is put you on a pedestal.

I...

I respect you.

Wow, this is really weird.

I want to help you develop

your full potential.

( crying )

Now see what you've done?

You've upset him.

Calm down, my baby, my little baby.

I've upset him? It was you who...

Aw, hell, I'm gonna throw the blanket!

( shrieking )

Sometimes it just takes a woman to...

My babies!

Oh!

Ah!

My jewels!

My ass!

Goddamn it!

Stop! Stop!

( screams )

Don't hurt them!

I'm doing my best, Doc!

( shrieks )

Help her!

( grunts )

( screams )

Get your hands off of him!

It's your attendant who's doing him harm.

Stop it! You're hurting him!

( grunts )

You see? He knows who loves him!

( gunfire )

Hit the deck! Run!

Look out! Goober's got a gun!

Are you okay?

Sure. Why not?

No reason, no reason at all.

Is there any other way in or out of this place?

No. Not with the windows sealed.

( exhales )

Damn.

( whispering )

( creaking )

Oh, crowbar!

Don't worry.

Dead bolt runs from side to side through the ceiling and the floor.

He's not prying it open.

I guess the Doc believes in security when he's sleeping.

Not really, but I do.

This is my room.

Wow, nice room.

Very tasteful.

Well, I'm a very tasteful person.

Except in clothing.

( whispering )

I guess they've quit for now.

( chuckles )

( grunting )

Ooh! Look like she got a little prick in the ass.

I must confess.

I'm finding this process rather stimulating.

Yeah, Nappy?

Well, I gotta tell you.

Normally, having my ass admired by some guy

who's richer than God would get my juices flowing lickety-split.

But to be perfectly honest, I'm just...

Not in the mood.

Just as well, I suppose.

The atmosphere is hardly conducive.

And, of course, we need to talk about my specimens.

Honey, as things stand now, it's more like

we're their specimens if you catch my drift.

Well, first course of action is immobile Lorca

and that dangerous assistant.

Then we scour the house.

And when we find the specimens,

I will convince them to come with us.

Or if necessary, take them by force.

Ow!

I see you got this all planned out.

For their own good, of course.

Of course.

And, of course, your assistance

will be of enormous value to me.

( grunts )

Value?

Oh, monetary value.

Enormous.

Enormous.

Monetary value.

( chuckles )

Oh, Nappy, you're really speaking my language now.

Why, Miss Yost, I've never seen you looking nicer.

Do me a favor.

Make this one a quickie, will you two?

I gotta pee.

Oh, and remember, this is my bathroom.

A little hygiene would be appreciated.

I'm sure that the key to this matter

is my most recent acquisition.

This being is almost certainly responsible

for the revivification of the others.

So we kill him, the others are paste.

Is that the idea?

Kill? Of course not. Are you insane?

I mean that the new one is the one we must reason with, persuade.

Their recent actions were merely self-defense

in response to Miss Yost's irrational attack.

I truly believe they do not mean to harm us.

No doubt, they are hiding someplace now terrified.

( squeals )

( whispering )

Look, can we at least agree not to enter into open combat?

'Til all the little goobers are locked up nice and safe?

Can we do that?

And who exactly is going to be doing the locking up?

The rightful guardian.

Well, I believe you're going to monopolize the discovery that should be...

Should be...

Monopolized by you?

Yes!

Well, let me warn all of you.

This house is still sealed.

And only Sheila and I know the proper code key

that will unlock the doors and windows.

This house is impervious.

( tapping )

Oh, what now?

Are you still out there?

( tapping twice )

Can you tell us what you want?

( tapping twice )

You're not planning on opening that door, are you?

They stuck a note under the door before.

They can do it again.

Can you write down what you want from us?

We don't wanna hurt you.

( pencil scratching )

Listen.

How could they know how to write?

It makes no sense.

They did it before.

And is it a friendly message?

It's gibberish.

No, it isn't.

The message reads

"You hurt bad. Scare.

Hurt. We no stay.

We go. You let us go.

We no go, you die."

That certainly seems pretty clear.

It is clear that we are dealing in essence with a single dominant intellect.

You mean that double-faced one?

Yes. If in fact this being is only a day or two old,

then it has absorbed human speech and reading

in the fairly sophisticated level of comprehension

in just a matter of hours.

In addition, it seems to have...

Man, is that chick a sound sleeper!

Though it does not appear to have influenced us.

It is an altogether new kind of intelligence, perhaps...

Hello?

This is wakeup call, so wake up!

( moaning )

Oh, this is the part I can't watch.

Ow!

That is not hideous! That is just plain gross!

( moaning )

( screams )

Get it off!

No! Please! Get it off!

Hold still, pinhead!

No!

Sorry, Doc.

Get it!

( screams )

You're all sick! You're all sick!

Somebody watch the door!

Sick perverts! Burn in hell!

Wait a second! Don't go running around!

Hold on!

You have no idea where you're going!

Help me! Help me!

Wait a second!

Where are you?

( screams )

( gasps )

Something bad's gonna happen!

( screams )

What'd I say?

Jesus Fucking Christ!

Did she hurt them?

No. No, I think they're okay.

Then get outta my way!

Oh, baby, we could have been so good together!

We could've had a species of our own!

Why you go and die on me, girl?

( crying )

Little ones, I'll take you out of here.

But first...

You have to kill them.

Hey, hey, hey!

No, no, no, not all of them.

Just those two.

But first, you've got to force them to tell you the key code!

Don't listen to him! It's dangerous out there!

Stay here with me. You'll be safe.

I'll...

I'll take you out for drives.

( muttering )

Come back!

Excuse me.

Jesus, all we need is a guy in a white suit

and a butterfly net to make this freakin' scene complete.

Come out!

Come out, little ones.

Come to Papa.

Wherever you are, don't listen to him.

I'm your Papa, me!

( whispering )

There. There you are.

Don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you.

This is your home.

No, no, no, you belong to me.

I'm the only one who's worthy of you.

Get back, you interloper!

No, he's mine!

No!

( grunts )

You fool, you bastard!

I hate you! You're nothing but a fraud!

( grunting )

That's enough!

Let's settle this once and for all if you're man enough!

I was man enough to deal with you before

I collected my first spheroid bryozoan colony!

No more words!

Steel only!

En garde!

Uh, excuse me, boys!

( grunting )

I'll just keep looking.

( grunts )

Ha! First blood!

Only fools talk of first blood.

It's last blood that counts!

( grunting )

Watch my coelenterate.

Sorry.

Go, Doc, go! You're our man!

If you can't stab him, nobody can!

Hell, Doc's my team.

( grunts )

At last, our rivalry has come to an end!

And I am the victor!

( screaming )

Doc!

Hold on, Doc! Hold tight!

Please, my specimens!

Please take care of my specimens!

Later! First, I'm taking care of you.

Come on, climb up! Climb over. Come on.

Yes, yes.

( screams )

No, no!

Come on, come on.

He's gone.

Where all that fuckin' acid come from, I don't know.

But he's gone.

Come on, let's get the hell outta here.

What?

You just stay back! Stay away from me!

- I mean it! - What the hell you doin'?

Doc said to take care of his specimens.

I'm gonna fucking take care of 'em.

What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?

Just shut up!

All right, you little bundles of fun.

I know you can hear me. So listen up.

You know what this is?

This is the way out.

Punch this number in the panel in Doc's chair,

and all the doors open up.

Come on.

We can all die together.

Come on, little babies. Come on.

That's it. That's it.

Come on. One big happy family.

Come on, you little bundles of fun, you.

That's it. Come on.

Come on, you little angels.

( shrieks )

Good fucking riddance!

Well, what are you waiting for? Let's go.

Yow.

Nasty.

Looks like I'm not getting paid for this job.

You got a car?

Yeah.

You planning on coming with me?

No point sticking around here, no offense.

Looks like I'm gonna start hitting the want ads again.

Jesus.

I'm gonna go pack a few things.

Sorry I don't have any tables for you to sit on in here.

Just the usual bench seat.

Well, I'm adaptable.

You know, I'd bet I'd be a really good private detective.

You'd be great on surveillance the way you just blend right in.

Well, I was thinking more along the lines of

you being the brains, me being the muscle.

You know, I can be very loyal to the right employer.

So I noticed.

( whispering )

Welcome to the United States.

You have anything to declare?

Carrying any fruits, vegetables, freaks of nature?

Nope? Okay.

Welcome to America.

Anyway, that's how I got into the country.

I was smuggled across the border in a trunk of a car

along with 32 other immigrants.

I mean, I didn't mind the shipping.

Just the handling.

I still got bruises.

Anyway, at the end of our show,

we like to recap the 10 best and 10 worst moments of the movie.

Unfortunately, the 10 best moments

of this movie were also the 10 worst moments.

So there's nothing really worth recapping except maybe my back molars.

My dentist says I'm grinding in my sleep.

But he wasn't talking about my teeth.

Ow!

Anyway, that's all I know.

It's the end of the show.

And I gots to go.

Got my ass a premier to go to.

Mm-hmm. Premier.

That's French for free gift bag.

Wait, wait, wait!

Don't pull out! I am not finished.

I didn't get a chance to say unpleasant dreams.

Okay, okay, you can pull out now.

Go on! Beat it!

There's nothing left to see here!

Shoo! Go on!

Shoo! Go shoot somebody else!

Look, I'm asking you nicely.

Can you get the hell outta here?

I swear, if you don't get outta here right now,

I am calling the cops.

Okay, I'm calling 411 to get the number for 911.

Okay, on second thought,

I think I'll just strangle you right now!