All language subtitles for USA 1977by)

Good evening. Hi.

We'd like a room?

Certainly.

Double, huh?

Best you got.

Okay, that's room number five.

Very romantic.

Soft lighting.

And between you and me, huh? It's got
the best mattress in the place.

Oh, sounds great.

Just married, huh?

How'd you know?

Your finger.

Huh? It's turning blue.

You couldn't have been wearing that ring
very long. Oh, I guess it is a little

tight. Yeah.

Plus the tuxedo you're wearing and the
gown the lady's wearing are a dead

giveaway. Oh.

Yeah.

How much is it? Thirty bucks.

What about the honeymoon rates?

Don't ask.

You take American Express?

Nope. Only American money.

Oh. Company policy.

Oh, that's okay.

You look all right.

Yeah.

Okay.

There you go. Thanks.

You can't miss it. It's the room with
the big five on it.

Good night.

Good night.

Okay. Let's have some dinner first.

Oh, good idea.

I'll call room service. Haven't sent
something up. Oh, but let's go out for

dinner.

Oh, no. I got a better idea.

Well, don't you think we should unpack
first?

No.

No, why bother? We're going to be
leaving first thing in the morning or

thereabouts. Oh. Oh.

Um, Morris?

Now what?

Nothing. I mean, I have to go... Susan!

I have to go in there.

Oh. Oh, sure.

Oh, here.

Tell you what. While you're in there,
I'll bring in the suitcases and I'll

up that bottle of bubbly. Oh, good.
That'll take some time.

I mean, while I'm in the... The little
girl's room? Yeah. Don't take too long.

Okay.

didn't fall in, did you, honey?

Sue, honey, are you in there?

I'm here.

Are you all right, honey? I'm scared.

Scared of what? Of me?

No, not you, hon.

I'm just scared of, you know. I don't
know. What?

You know.

Know what?

I'm just scared.

Of what, for God's sake?

I'm scared of doing it.

only think if you try it, you might like
it.

I can't. I'm scared.

Well, I'll tell you what, honey.

I was about to open up the door, and
we'll talk about it.

Just talk?

Sure.

I can't. I'm scared.

I know that, honey, but if you'll open
up the door, we can discuss this like...

Two normal people.

Are you saying I'm not normal?

No, no, no, no. Of course not, honey.
But you will have to admit that locking

yourself in the bathroom door on your
wedding night is not something your

average, ordinary, everyday bride might
do.

Morris Charnowsky, you're a...

that fucking door.

Morris, you wouldn't. You coming out of
there? No.

Well, then stand back because I'm coming
in.

Morris, don't.

Ow. Oh.

Oh. Are you all right?

No. I broke my arm and my ass. Maybe I
should call a doctor.

No. Now that you're out, I guess I'll be
all right.

Well, while you're making up your mind,
I'm going to go out and get drunk.

You've already gotten drunk.

Well, I'm going to get drunker.

Then I'm going to go out and get laid.
You can't tell me I got mad tonight.

Something I can get you?

No, thanks.

How's the room?

Oh, okay, I guess.

Mattress okay, too?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, in the bathroom, huh?

How did you know?

Listen, when you've been in this
business 29 years, you get to know

Brand new bride? Happens all the time.
It does?

Sure. Well, I remember one.

Girl locked herself in the bathroom in
104.

Stayed there three whole days.

Three days?

Only reason she came out then was she
got tired of drinking tap water and

toothpaste.

Husband thought everything was all
right. But as soon as she ate, she

right back.

So what did he do?

Don't rightly know. He never came back.

And the wife?

Oh, her? She was fine.

Ran away with a locksmith.

What locksmith? The one we called to get
the door open.

Oh, that's terrific.

You wouldn't happen to have a
locksmith's disguise you could lend me.

Listen, son. Don't worry.

Stuff like this happens all the time
around here.

Craziest stuff, too.

You know how they say you gotta be crazy
to get married?

But let me tell you something. I believe
this.

Thanks for the sympathy, but this has
got to be as bad as things can get.

Think so, huh?

Well, you got a few minutes?

I've got all night.

Don't need all night to prove my point.

Well, I remember one time, the year we
opened.

That'd be 1949.

The groom didn't even take off his tie,
for Pete's sake.

Oh, Stanley, it's lovely.

Not as lovely as you, my pet.

Hey, is there somewhere I could put this
stuff? Yes, George, anywhere is fine.

Honey, mind if I just hop in the bathtub
and freshen up a bit?

Sure, sweetie.

And hurry, and don't fall in. I will.

Hurry, I mean, not fall in.

Well, George, I'm off.

Did you explain it to her?

Surely you just, of course not.

Georgie, you explain it to her. I know
you can. You're a good talker. Why me?

You're a husband. You're my best friend.
You're the best friend I have in the

whole world. Georgie, please do it. Do
it for me.

You do a great job. Honest. I trust you.

Thanks a lot, Georgie.

Alice, would you mind sitting down for a
minute?

Stanley. You're not going to understand
this, but... Alice, let me explain to

you. Alice.

Here I am, honey. How do you like...
Stanley?

Where's Stanley?

Stanley had to leave. Where is Stanley,
George?

Alice, would you mind sitting down?

What happened to Stanley?

Like I said, he had to leave.

What do you mean, he had to leave?

Just that, he had to leave. But this is
our honeymoon!

Come on, George, what kind of joke is
this?

Where did Stanley go?

He went to the train station.

For what?

Catch a train?

Hey, just give me a chance for Pete's
sake.

Well, make it quick.

Okay, sit down.

You know that Stanley was married
before, don't you?

Yes, his first wife died in a shipwreck
or something.

Or something.

The body was never found.

So what? That was years ago.

Well, maybe it was found.

What do you mean?

Stanley got this telegram right after
the ceremony from the police in New

and they seem to have found this woman
on some island in the Pacific.

The New York City police?

No. No, the Navy.

Anyway, she didn't know who she was or
how she got there, and they brought her

back to the States, and the police
tentatively identified her as

Stanley's first wife.

That seems to be it.

Anyway, Stanley went to New York to
identify her before anything happened.

But on our wedding night...

You know that Stanley wasn't divorced.

And he thought she was dead all this
time, and it's only been five years, so

she is alive and anything were to
happen... What do you mean, George?

You know, if you had consummated the
marriage, then Stanley would actually be

bigamist.

Then why did he marry me if it wasn't
legal?

He didn't know it wasn't legal. He
thought she was dead, and what could it

possibly mattered?

You know...

This whole thing reminds me of an
incredibly bad Loretta Young movie I saw

Oh, George.

Horrible. Alice, it's okay. Everything
will be okay, Alice.

We shouldn't. Why not?

Because I'm a married woman.

Sort of.

That's debatable.

Oh, George, you shouldn't.

Oh, lawyer.

Oh, it's not right, but it feels so
good.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here with me,
George.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

What happened when the husband came
back?

Nothing. Nothing?

How come?

Well, he actually didn't come back. You
see, it turned out that his wife, his

first wife, was really actually alive.

Well, then what happened to the bride
and the best man?

Oh, they got married. It was really
nice.

They came back here for their first
honeymoon.

It's just like in the movies.

Oh.

It's a good thing that the groom didn't
come back sooner.

He would have caught them.

Otherwise, it might not have had such a
happy ending.

Oh, that's been known to happen.

You're kidding.

You mean... Huh? You mean the groom
catching the bride with the best man?

Well, not actually the best man, but
good enough.

Let me see now. That took place... That
was 1954, that one.

Yep. Seems this here fella had to go
back to the city on an emergency

trip the second day of his honeymoon.

But when he got back, he had a little
surprise waiting.

Wake up, honey.

I got backer.

What the hell is this?

Henry.

You weren't supposed to be back until
tomorrow.

What are you doing here?

What am I?

We just got married, remember?

What the hell is he doing here?

Well, I'll tell you. Nothing at the
moment because I was sleeping.

Allie woke me up. I woke you up.

You son of a bitch. You're in bed with
my wife.

So? So.

So. So it's my goddamn honeymoon.

It was your honeymoon, Jack. Then where
the hell were you?

Oh, well, they had this breakdown in the
Scranton plant. And the senior manager

was on vacation, so they... Hey, wait a
minute. I don't have to explain anything

to you.

You're in bed with my wife.

Listen, jerk. I worked hard last night,
right, baby?

I was just trying to get some rest when
you... You listen, jerk.

First thing you decide is whether you
want to walk home naked or get clipped

the parking lot because you and your
clothes are leaving.

Now!

Is he dead?

Who the fuck cares?

You know, Henry...

When you left me like that on our
honeymoon, I thought you didn't care

Thought I didn't care about you?

Honey, I love you.

But you left me the first day of our
honeymoon.

Honey, a breakdown in a steel mill can't
wait.

If I hadn't been there to supervise the
patch -up, the company would have lost

millions and I would have lost a $30
,000 per year job.

Well, you almost lost one brand new
wife.

I felt deserted.

But you really do love me, don't you,
Henry?

Enough to do that.

Damn straight I do.

Oh, Henry.

Now show me how else you love me.

Just what I had in mind.

I'm sorry.

Geez, so what'd he do? Kill the guy or
what?

I don't know.

He eventually came to while they were
going at it again, and he tore ass out

there. I guess he knew what he was lit.

I'm surprised he, uh, you know, didn't
try to join in on the festivities.

Oh, he had his fill.

You know what they say, don't you? You
know, two's company, but three's a

No, I can't say that I do.

Well, let me tell you, if you worked
here, you'd know it. I mean, it's

here more times than I can count.

You mean a bride and a groom and a
somebody else?

Mm -hmm.

All at the same time? Mm -hmm.

Oh, you're putting me on.

It's true, fella. It's true.

I mean, you know, they say kids are wild
today.

Well, let me tell you.

Kids have always been wild. They just
had different names for the wildness.

Like back in the 50s. They used to call
them beatniks. Yeah.

There was this one couple of newlyweds
came in here in 59 it was.

Well, I don't know how it happened, but
the best man must have been as good a

friend to the bride as he was to the
groom.

Well, here we are, baby.

Home sweet home.

Mmm, plastic city. How bourgeois. Why
don't you let me down?

Never. I'll pee on you.

Later for that, sweet. Later for you,
baby doll.

Hey, like, don't fall in.

Reading light on your wedding night,
Dan?

Coney Island of the mind.

Dharma bombs.

Ouch. How?

That one's Jones.

Oh, I dig.

You know, like, uh, I want to thank you
for all the help with the best man thing

and like that, you know? No problem.
Glad to be had. Like, uh, Joanie, like,

you and Joanie really mean a lot to me.

Yeah, like I know, uh...

But we were getting kind of worried
like, you know?

What worry?

You know, with us getting hitched and
everything, we figured you just might

dig it.

Hey, why should I dig it not?

Well, you know, Joan's a pretty nice
piece of tail, and you were getting into

her panties pretty regular -like.

How'd you know about that?

Joan and I have a very truthful
relationship.

It doesn't bother you?

Why should I get hot?

You are a husband.

Hey, that doesn't make me her keeper.

Just because we got some papers, that
doesn't make us some middle -class

marriage vote, right?

But doesn't it shake you up?

Well, uh, Joan is just too much woman
for any one man to handle, you know?

I'm hip as to how while I was boring her
every day, you were boring her every

other night.

You kid me not.

You knew about that?

Hey, I got a flash for you.

When the two of us weren't heating her
sheets.

She was down at the coffee house.

Yeah, reading poetry.

Yeah, and bawling the bass player and
the sax player and the drummer and that

guitar player. What's his name from
Minnesota with the 12 -string and the

in his throat?

Zimmerman somebody.

But why?

I don't know. She likes folk singers.

No, I mean, why all them guys?

She loves to fuck.

Someone talking about me?

Joanie. Hey, doll, I dig those threads.

That could be the appropriate thing to
wear.

Well, kids, I think it's time I split.

You going?

How about coming?

Huh? Things will be happening in just
about two minutes.

Left.

You putting me on?

Jack, have I ever put you on about sex
before?

You don't mind, do you?

Hmm, not if you quit with the dialogue
and get the show on the go hot stuff.

But, uh, how... Two hoes, two cocks, and
no problem.

I don't know if I'm, uh...

Hip to this level of freedom.

We're going to find out.

Oh, there's plenty of room.

Besides, Dan's an ass man.

You've got to be kidding.

It's the God's truth. But you haven't
heard anything yet.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No. No, I'm sorry. I can't believe that.

That's too far out for the 50s. Why is
it that every generation thinks they

invented sex?

You know, they've been doing it a long
time, Sonny. How do you think you got

here? Yeah, yeah, but still, that's
pretty wild.

It may be, but I swear it's the truth.
May I be struck down by lightning?

Well... Do you ever think that maybe
your clientele here is just a little bit

peculiar? That may be so.

But it's not just the clientele, you
know. Even the help gets in the act.

The help? Yeah.

Yeah, there was this one.

Her name was Lou Lene. She used to work
here.

Fine, beautiful black girl. And one of
my best workers, really.

Oh, lovely, lovely. Really beautiful
girl.

Anyway, you know, she even saved the
honeymoon haven.

Saved? Yeah.

From a horrible tragedy.

Well, I'm all ears. What happened?

Well, must have been back in, yes, it
was 68.

You know, flower children, love power.
Oh, yeah.

Well, there was this one groom whose
love power didn't run out on him.

And so did his bride.

Okay, friend, this is it. You're
finished. Jeremy, finished!

You little squirt.

Wait!

Who are you? How did you get in here?

I'm the maid. I came in to make up the
room.

Oh, I see.

Sorry, I thought the room was empty.

You saw your van pulling away?

You saw my wife pulling away.

For good.

But the sign on the back of the van
said, Love, Peace, Just Married.

Well, you can read. My wife can't.

Yes, maybe I should come back late on.

Yeah, you do that. Me and my friend here
will be finished real soon.

Say, can I ask you something?

Sure, shoot.

Well, it might not be none of my
business, but what kind of plans do you

that razor?

Look, you're right. It's none of your
business.

Now, Miss, uh... Lula Mae?

Lula Mae, will you get out of here?

Right, in a way.

You know, it just might be my business.

How so?

I do have to clean up this place, you
know.

And if I guess leaves a big mess?

Oh, well, it'll be just a little mess.

Hmm. All right, all right. So I'll use
the bathtub.

You got to clean the tub, too.

Besides, I don't want to find out you
did something foolish or nothing, like

kill yourself.

Why not?

Just ain't right, that's all.

So what's right? Look, a man loses his
wife because he's not a man.

What's left to do but to kill yourself?
If you're not a man, what's that hanging

between your legs?

Don't remind me. This is what you call
your basic limp penis.

So? Everything gotta rest sometimes.

Yeah, well, this particular limp penis
gotta rest all the time. A real lazy

huh? Yeah, especially when it counts.

Like in bed.

What happens in bed?

Nothing. Nothing?

Yeah, nothing. My wife and I lay there
and we cuddled and we kissed and we

snuggled and... Nothing.

What you have here is a failure to
communicate.

Oh, but... No, no, I don't think that
this is going to help it.

Thank you.

No. No.

Whatever happened to the guy's wife?

I don't know, but after Lulu May, he
didn't care.

Oh, don't tell me he ran off and married
Lulu May.

Well, he didn't marry her, but they ran
off to Hollywood together.

What? Yeah.

That girl made that boy so pecker proud,
he wanted to show the whole world.

So he convinced her to get into them
there, you know, X -rated movies.

Yeah, yeah. They keep sending me
reviews. Here, take a look at this.

Mixed combos.

I always wondered what that meant. Yes,
and now you know.

What? Well, this place is a porno
paradise.

Hey, look, Sonny. I just provide the
setting. They write the scripts.

Yeah, but it's the setting that gets
people going, you know? Nice romantic

I mean, you don't exactly see people
doing it in public.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

No, no, you're not going to tell me that
you've actually had couples here

banging away on the front lawn.

Well, not exactly on the front lawn, but
how about doing it in front of other

couples, eh? I mean, you heard about
them, their swingers, those, you know,

-swapping. Sure. Well, years ago, people
at least believed, you know, in waiting

until they were bored, and so they
started swinging, right?

Now, people don't even wait for the ink
to dry on the marriage license.

Newlyweds? Oh, Loney.

New as you.

You know, that was before they built
this new interstate.

You know, this interstate, it really,
really interrupted my business, I want

tell you. Not that I'm complaining. I
mean, I still have my customers, but it

really bothers me.

What about these couples?

Oh, the couples, right. Yeah, right, the
couples, yeah.

Well, anyway, you know, we told you we
were practically filled up. Well,

these four friends, they got married,
you know, all together.

And they made a reservation, but we got
it filed up.

Because when they got here, all we had
was one room with one bed.

Get a hunchback from this.

Oh, Michael, look at this. What?

There's only one bed in this room.

Oh, Annie, give me a break.

They told you this is the last room left
in the place. There's no extra beds. I

thought you saw tarantulas.

We're just going to have to go and find
another place, right, Johnny?

Too long, Betty. Like the guy said,
everything around here is booked up.

some fair or something.

We'll just have to drive on to Scranton.
Oh, the perfect idea.

Drive on to Scranton.

Who's been driving the last ten hours?
Come on, hey, Joe and I have been

driving. Who's been driving that thing?
We'll drive.

Betty and I will drive. I can't drive.

Oh, listen, friends and relatives, boys
and girls, everybody settle down now.

We are friends and relatives, or else
why would we be having our honeymoon

together? Mike, we agreed to travel
together. We didn't agree to sleep

Yeah, I can think of worse ideas. Like
what?

Yeah, like driving a Scranton. Hey, come
on, Mike's right.

We'll make the best of it. It's just for
one night.

How are we all going to fit comfortably
on this bed?

Listen, we don't have to sleep. We can
converse in body language. Watch this

subtle phrase.

Listen to this now.

Rest? I know. The boys will sleep on the
floor. Good idea.

With my back, I'm going to sleep on the
floor.

Besides, I didn't know you were that
way. What way?

I mean, I'm sure your mother would be
very happy to know that you're spending

your honeymoon with a girl of your own
faith.

No, I don't. Although you don't make a
bad couple at all. Anne, I think your

husband's been watching too many porno
movies.

There's porno movies on the fucking
brain.

You love it real.

Come on, Mike. Not tonight.

Not tonight. Not tonight? How come? I
mean that literally.

I don't want to know the audience.

Listen,

fellas, when you finish with the
kindergarten stuff, maybe you can make

sleeping arrangements. I'm going to the
ladies.

I'll walk you. Come on.

Never fails, right? One broad's got to
be there.

Maybe we don't have to pee. Maybe we're
just going to compare notes.

We don't have to think of a better place
to compare notes.

Maybe I just have to pee after all.

Don't fall in.

What's it been about four hours since we
last saw? I think so. Hurry up. My

bladder's bursting.

I'm trying.

I'm trying.

I think you're right. He's a funny guy.

Mr. Ryan, as long as he excuses gutter
mouth.

I don't mind.

Here, here's your... Thanks.

You don't fool me either. I know you
like that fresh talk.

Oh, yeah, I like it, but I wouldn't let
him know.

Listen, uh, I guess we really ought to
deal with the sleeping arrangement.

I don't know what... Well, Joe, no
offense, but I don't think I'll be

on the floor with you.

I... My back... It's really bothering
me, and a man in my condition,

my genitals, I think I'll sleep on the
bed with the girls. You're right, and

you'll tell me about it in the morning?

Of course, I'm not selfish.

Listen, thanks, pal, but no thanks.

You really do have fuck films on the
brain, don't you?

Yeah, well, it gave me a lot better
ideas than one guy in the bed with two

girls. Like what?

Well, uh, think about it. Two guys, two
women, eight armpits.

Man, you're crazy.

Crazy? Crazy spelled backwards is
hygiene.

Plus, uh, listen.

How long do we know each other?

Long enough.

Don't you think I know you dig Annie?

Look, I'm not trying to pull a Mr.
Purity on you. I know you dig Betty,

Well,

the feeling's mutual.

I'm sure that yours digs me and mine
digs you.

You know, I think your Joey's pretty
cute, too.

I know you do.

What do you mean you know I do? I just
mean I know you think he's cute, that's

all. But I'm not the possessive type.
Oh, like hell you're not.

If I don't find a woman threatening...
Yes?

And if she's something equal to trade...
They'll never go for it. Oh, they'll

never go for it if you talk to them
about it.

So? Believe me, I know you're absolutely
right.

Look, let me tell you something, though.

Anytime I want to do anything frantic
with Annie, we try to discuss it, she

never buys it.

If I just grab her by the short hairs,
throw her down and do it, she goes

bananas, loves every minute of it.

Hmm. You know something, uh...

But he's the same way. No shit.

Listen, this is me playing.

I've got an idea.

Listen, the way they're always shooting
off at their big mouth, right?

Why don't we just go and suggest,
actually suggest that we just, you know,

the old switcheroo?

Are you kidding? Do you know what they
do? They pee the penis.

I know what Joey would.

With what?

Penis. And so would Mike. When I try to
talk him into anything kinky, he really

never goes for it. But if I just grab
him by the short hairs and do it, he

really loves it.

Save it for a toy.

Come on.

Come here, eyes, girls. You've heard of
jumpsuits? These are humpsuits.

Now, I've devised some very, very
complex sleeping arrangements.

Joe there, Betty there, Annie here, and
me here.

Okay, boys and girls, it is now sleepy
time.

You know?

I should have known.

Okay, listen. Wait a minute, boys and
girls.

I have a suggestion.

Let's try it one more time, this time
with the lights on.

One, two.

One, two, three, four.

Thank you.

Well, I admit that sounds like fun, but
did they stay married after that? Sure

did.

Well, who stayed married to who? Like I
said, they did.

They all did. All four stayed married to
each other. They could look each other

in the face after that?

Well, why not? They've been looking at
each other everywhere else. I mean, they

bought this big house, and they come
back here every year on their

Hmm, and I suppose they stayed happily
married after that forever.

Well, so far.

Now, I'm not saying that's the best way
for each person, you know, but sometimes

it takes getting married before people
know each other.

You know, because sometimes finding out
what the other person is like is like a

really bad surprise.

I can relate to that.

Hey, listen, son. You think you've got a
problem, huh?

Why, just last month, this couple come
in here, pretty southern girl. Well, she

finds out on her wedding night that her
husband has another doll on the side.

Oh.

You think that's something?

Wait till I tell you this.

Huh? It went on like... Was it good for
you, Francine? Oh, I'm so glad.

Hey, but you're going to have to excuse
me now, honey, because I really bushed.

Good night, Francie.

Well, that was the absolutest, bestest
ever.

I mean, in my whole entire lifetime, I
have never felt one like

that.

Why, it was like I was on this enormous
elevator.

And it kept on going up and up and up.

And then just when I thought I'd reached
the top, why, that old elevator just

burst right on through the top of the
building and kept on going up

and up and up.

Oh, and then there were these
pyrotechnical displays, and they were

popping.

happen all around and these big fat
splashes of

Michelle. Oh, yeah. Michelle, baby.

You're so fine.

Who is Michelle?

Oh, Michelle.

You're the best.

So soft.

So warm.

Is she better than me?

Michelle, you and me forever.

Oh, I love to touch you.

Touch? Oh, well.

There.

Oh, your soft, warm hair.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Michelle.

I want to squeeze you.

You and me forever, baby.

Oh, well. You know what, sweetheart?

Forever has just arrived.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

I wasted my time in this.

Apparently, Jackson, you wake up.

Michelle?

Michelle, you're...

making the graph. Francie, look. You
don't understand.

Look, look, Francie, look.

Oh,

Michelle.

You're going to kill her.

Oh, Michelle.

Oh, baby.

So that was it for Harold and Fran.
scene, huh?

Lucky thing nobody got hurt except
Michelle.

Some people.

She divorced him just because he talked
in his sleep to his teddy bear.

No, no, no, you got it wrong.

He divorced her for killing Michelle.

Got it.

So, I hope you understand, you know, new
married people, they have problems.

You got things to work out.

There I can agree with you. Good.

I'm glad I convinced you then. So now
maybe you go back to the room and be a

little bit more patient with Mrs.

Charnowski.

Nope. Huh?

You convinced me of something all right,
but not to go back and be more patient

with Susan.

What do you mean, son?

Thanks a lot, Mr. Smelt.

Really?

Thanks an awful lot.

Good night, son.

Morris, is that you?

Yeah, honey, it's me.

Oh.

Have you made up your mind yet?

No, Morris, I have not.

Oh. Well, that's okay. You can come out
now if you want.

Morris Tornowski, you know damn well I
can't come out.

Sure you can.

I'm not going to bother you.

No, but you can stay in there too if you
want.

I can?

Uh -huh.

Doesn't matter to me one way or the
other.

It doesn't?

No.

I'm not going to try to talk you into
something you don't want.

Morris, where have you been?

Oh, no, honey.

I have not been out getting laid. As a
matter of fact, I've been downstairs

talking to the guy that owns this place.

He's a nice guy.

He's a little weird, maybe, but he's a
nice guy.

Do you mean that when I was in there
struggling with the most important

of my life, you were out there talking
to some weirdo?

I guess that's what I mean.

Well, thanks a lot.

Well, honey, I wouldn't be too hard on
the old man.

He cleared up some things in my head.

Oh, great.

Like what?

Well, I was banging my head against that
wall.

Against the door, actually. Trying to
make you come out and do it as if it was

the most important thing in the world.

Yeah? And?

Well, and it ain't.

The most important thing in the world,
that is. Oh, thanks.

Oh, honey, I'd love you and all that,
but it's just not the most important

in the world. I mean, people have been
doing it for hundreds of years, maybe

longer. Where do you think you came
from?

Well, you don't have to get vulgar. I'm
not. I'm just telling it like it is.

And while talking to him, I realized
there's a whole world of possibilities

terms of... It.

So, if I can't have it with you... Are
you blackmailing me?

No, not at all.

I'm just not going to try to force you
into doing something you don't want to.

That's why I've decided to take you home
to Mom. You can take all the time you

want to decide.

And if you decide you want to do it,
well... All right, if I'm still around.

Morris, you're a beast, and I thought
you loved me. I do, honey.

And that's why I'm not going to try to
talk you into it. So, come on.

Get your stuff together.

Well, can't we leave in the morning?

Sure we could, but your bed at home is
going to be a lot more comfortable than

that bathtub.

Well, can't we sleep in that bed?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

That'd be much too frustrating for me.
Maybe you haven't decided whether or not

you want to do it, but I have.

Well, I'm not sure that I want to do it,
but...

But maybe, maybe I might want to do it.

Maybe? Maybe.

I knew that boy had some brains.

I told you so.

I told you he'd figure out a way into
her heart.

Wherever he got into.

We really got handed to you, Smell.

We thought you'd bombed out on those
two. We all did.

Oh, the trouble with you is you don't
have any confidence in my ability as a

counselor.

Now, have I ever let you down once, huh?

Have I ever missed out on bringing you
one little story in our...

class reunions? No.

But like the man said, we all thought
this looked like your first major

disaster.

Yeah, when did they get to see the
videotapes?

Yeah, in the morning, as usual.

Hey, do you think they'll join the
Honeymoon Haven Club?

Look, they already have.