Original subtitles

Good evening. Hi.

We'd like a room?

Certainly.

Double, huh?

Best you got.

Okay, that's room number five.

Very romantic.

Soft lighting.

And between you and me, huh? It's got the best mattress in the place.

Oh, sounds great.

Just married, huh?

How'd you know?

Your finger.

Huh? It's turning blue.

You couldn't have been wearing that ring very long. Oh, I guess it is a little

tight. Yeah.

Plus the tuxedo you're wearing and the gown the lady's wearing are a dead

giveaway. Oh.

Yeah.

How much is it? Thirty bucks.

What about the honeymoon rates?

Don't ask.

You take American Express?

Nope. Only American money.

Oh. Company policy.

Oh, that's okay.

You look all right.

Yeah.

Okay.

There you go. Thanks.

You can't miss it. It's the room with the big five on it.

Good night.

Good night.

Okay. Let's have some dinner first.

Oh, good idea.

I'll call room service. Haven't sent something up. Oh, but let's go out for

dinner.

Oh, no. I got a better idea.

Well, don't you think we should unpack first?

No.

No, why bother? We're going to be leaving first thing in the morning or

thereabouts. Oh. Oh.

Um, Morris?

Now what?

Nothing. I mean, I have to go... Susan!

I have to go in there.

Oh. Oh, sure.

Oh, here.

Tell you what. While you're in there, I'll bring in the suitcases and I'll

up that bottle of bubbly. Oh, good. That'll take some time.

I mean, while I'm in the... The little girl's room? Yeah. Don't take too long.

Okay.

didn't fall in, did you, honey?

Sue, honey, are you in there?

I'm here.

Are you all right, honey? I'm scared.

Scared of what? Of me?

No, not you, hon.

I'm just scared of, you know. I don't know. What?

You know.

Know what?

I'm just scared.

Of what, for God's sake?

I'm scared of doing it.

only think if you try it, you might like it.

I can't. I'm scared.

Well, I'll tell you what, honey.

I was about to open up the door, and we'll talk about it.

Just talk?

Sure.

I can't. I'm scared.

I know that, honey, but if you'll open up the door, we can discuss this like...

Two normal people.

Are you saying I'm not normal?

No, no, no, no. Of course not, honey. But you will have to admit that locking

yourself in the bathroom door on your wedding night is not something your

average, ordinary, everyday bride might do.

Morris Charnowsky, you're a...

that fucking door.

Morris, you wouldn't. You coming out of there? No.

Well, then stand back because I'm coming in.

Morris, don't.

Ow. Oh.

Oh. Are you all right?

No. I broke my arm and my ass. Maybe I should call a doctor.

No. Now that you're out, I guess I'll be all right.

Well, while you're making up your mind, I'm going to go out and get drunk.

You've already gotten drunk.

Well, I'm going to get drunker.

Then I'm going to go out and get laid. You can't tell me I got mad tonight.

Something I can get you?

No, thanks.

How's the room?

Oh, okay, I guess.

Mattress okay, too?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, in the bathroom, huh?

How did you know?

Listen, when you've been in this business 29 years, you get to know

Brand new bride? Happens all the time. It does?

Sure. Well, I remember one.

Girl locked herself in the bathroom in 104.

Stayed there three whole days.

Three days?

Only reason she came out then was she got tired of drinking tap water and

toothpaste.

Husband thought everything was all right. But as soon as she ate, she

right back.

So what did he do?

Don't rightly know. He never came back.

And the wife?

Oh, her? She was fine.

Ran away with a locksmith.

What locksmith? The one we called to get the door open.

Oh, that's terrific.

You wouldn't happen to have a locksmith's disguise you could lend me.

Listen, son. Don't worry.

Stuff like this happens all the time around here.

Craziest stuff, too.

You know how they say you gotta be crazy to get married?

But let me tell you something. I believe this.

Thanks for the sympathy, but this has got to be as bad as things can get.

Think so, huh?

Well, you got a few minutes?

I've got all night.

Don't need all night to prove my point.

Well, I remember one time, the year we opened.

That'd be 1949.

The groom didn't even take off his tie, for Pete's sake.

Oh, Stanley, it's lovely.

Not as lovely as you, my pet.

Hey, is there somewhere I could put this stuff? Yes, George, anywhere is fine.

Honey, mind if I just hop in the bathtub and freshen up a bit?

Sure, sweetie.

And hurry, and don't fall in. I will.

Hurry, I mean, not fall in.

Well, George, I'm off.

Did you explain it to her?

Surely you just, of course not.

Georgie, you explain it to her. I know you can. You're a good talker. Why me?

You're a husband. You're my best friend. You're the best friend I have in the

whole world. Georgie, please do it. Do it for me.

You do a great job. Honest. I trust you.

Thanks a lot, Georgie.

Alice, would you mind sitting down for a minute?

Stanley. You're not going to understand this, but... Alice, let me explain to

you. Alice.

Here I am, honey. How do you like... Stanley?

Where's Stanley?

Stanley had to leave. Where is Stanley, George?

Alice, would you mind sitting down?

What happened to Stanley?

Like I said, he had to leave.

What do you mean, he had to leave?

Just that, he had to leave. But this is our honeymoon!

Come on, George, what kind of joke is this?

Where did Stanley go?

He went to the train station.

For what?

Catch a train?

Hey, just give me a chance for Pete's sake.

Well, make it quick.

Okay, sit down.

You know that Stanley was married before, don't you?

Yes, his first wife died in a shipwreck or something.

Or something.

The body was never found.

So what? That was years ago.

Well, maybe it was found.

What do you mean?

Stanley got this telegram right after the ceremony from the police in New

and they seem to have found this woman on some island in the Pacific.

The New York City police?

No. No, the Navy.

Anyway, she didn't know who she was or how she got there, and they brought her

back to the States, and the police tentatively identified her as

Stanley's first wife.

That seems to be it.

Anyway, Stanley went to New York to identify her before anything happened.

But on our wedding night...

You know that Stanley wasn't divorced.

And he thought she was dead all this time, and it's only been five years, so

she is alive and anything were to happen... What do you mean, George?

You know, if you had consummated the marriage, then Stanley would actually be

bigamist.

Then why did he marry me if it wasn't legal?

He didn't know it wasn't legal. He thought she was dead, and what could it

possibly mattered?

You know...

This whole thing reminds me of an incredibly bad Loretta Young movie I saw

Oh, George.

Horrible. Alice, it's okay. Everything will be okay, Alice.

We shouldn't. Why not?

Because I'm a married woman.

Sort of.

That's debatable.

Oh, George, you shouldn't.

Oh, lawyer.

Oh, it's not right, but it feels so good.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here with me, George.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

What happened when the husband came back?

Nothing. Nothing?

How come?

Well, he actually didn't come back. You see, it turned out that his wife, his

first wife, was really actually alive.

Well, then what happened to the bride and the best man?

Oh, they got married. It was really nice.

They came back here for their first honeymoon.

It's just like in the movies.

Oh.

It's a good thing that the groom didn't come back sooner.

He would have caught them.

Otherwise, it might not have had such a happy ending.

Oh, that's been known to happen.

You're kidding.

You mean... Huh? You mean the groom catching the bride with the best man?

Well, not actually the best man, but good enough.

Let me see now. That took place... That was 1954, that one.

Yep. Seems this here fella had to go back to the city on an emergency

trip the second day of his honeymoon.

But when he got back, he had a little surprise waiting.

Wake up, honey.

I got backer.

What the hell is this?

Henry.

You weren't supposed to be back until tomorrow.

What are you doing here?

What am I?

We just got married, remember?

What the hell is he doing here?

Well, I'll tell you. Nothing at the moment because I was sleeping.

Allie woke me up. I woke you up.

You son of a bitch. You're in bed with my wife.

So? So.

So. So it's my goddamn honeymoon.

It was your honeymoon, Jack. Then where the hell were you?

Oh, well, they had this breakdown in the Scranton plant. And the senior manager

was on vacation, so they... Hey, wait a minute. I don't have to explain anything

to you.

You're in bed with my wife.

Listen, jerk. I worked hard last night, right, baby?

I was just trying to get some rest when you... You listen, jerk.

First thing you decide is whether you want to walk home naked or get clipped

the parking lot because you and your clothes are leaving.

Now!

Is he dead?

Who the fuck cares?

You know, Henry...

When you left me like that on our honeymoon, I thought you didn't care

Thought I didn't care about you?

Honey, I love you.

But you left me the first day of our honeymoon.

Honey, a breakdown in a steel mill can't wait.

If I hadn't been there to supervise the patch -up, the company would have lost

millions and I would have lost a $30 ,000 per year job.

Well, you almost lost one brand new wife.

I felt deserted.

But you really do love me, don't you, Henry?

Enough to do that.

Damn straight I do.

Oh, Henry.

Now show me how else you love me.

Just what I had in mind.

I'm sorry.

Geez, so what'd he do? Kill the guy or what?

I don't know.

He eventually came to while they were going at it again, and he tore ass out

there. I guess he knew what he was lit.

I'm surprised he, uh, you know, didn't try to join in on the festivities.

Oh, he had his fill.

You know what they say, don't you? You know, two's company, but three's a

No, I can't say that I do.

Well, let me tell you, if you worked here, you'd know it. I mean, it's

here more times than I can count.

You mean a bride and a groom and a somebody else?

Mm -hmm.

All at the same time? Mm -hmm.

Oh, you're putting me on.

It's true, fella. It's true.

I mean, you know, they say kids are wild today.

Well, let me tell you.

Kids have always been wild. They just had different names for the wildness.

Like back in the 50s. They used to call them beatniks. Yeah.

There was this one couple of newlyweds came in here in 59 it was.

Well, I don't know how it happened, but the best man must have been as good a

friend to the bride as he was to the groom.

Well, here we are, baby.

Home sweet home.

Mmm, plastic city. How bourgeois. Why don't you let me down?

Never. I'll pee on you.

Later for that, sweet. Later for you, baby doll.

Hey, like, don't fall in.

Reading light on your wedding night, Dan?

Coney Island of the mind.

Dharma bombs.

Ouch. How?

That one's Jones.

Oh, I dig.

You know, like, uh, I want to thank you for all the help with the best man thing

and like that, you know? No problem. Glad to be had. Like, uh, Joanie, like,

you and Joanie really mean a lot to me.

Yeah, like I know, uh...

But we were getting kind of worried like, you know?

What worry?

You know, with us getting hitched and everything, we figured you just might

dig it.

Hey, why should I dig it not?

Well, you know, Joan's a pretty nice piece of tail, and you were getting into

her panties pretty regular -like.

How'd you know about that?

Joan and I have a very truthful relationship.

It doesn't bother you?

Why should I get hot?

You are a husband.

Hey, that doesn't make me her keeper.

Just because we got some papers, that doesn't make us some middle -class

marriage vote, right?

But doesn't it shake you up?

Well, uh, Joan is just too much woman for any one man to handle, you know?

I'm hip as to how while I was boring her every day, you were boring her every

other night.

You kid me not.

You knew about that?

Hey, I got a flash for you.

When the two of us weren't heating her sheets.

She was down at the coffee house.

Yeah, reading poetry.

Yeah, and bawling the bass player and the sax player and the drummer and that

guitar player. What's his name from Minnesota with the 12 -string and the

in his throat?

Zimmerman somebody.

But why?

I don't know. She likes folk singers.

No, I mean, why all them guys?

She loves to fuck.

Someone talking about me?

Joanie. Hey, doll, I dig those threads.

That could be the appropriate thing to wear.

Well, kids, I think it's time I split.

You going?

How about coming?

Huh? Things will be happening in just about two minutes.

Left.

You putting me on?

Jack, have I ever put you on about sex before?

You don't mind, do you?

Hmm, not if you quit with the dialogue and get the show on the go hot stuff.

But, uh, how... Two hoes, two cocks, and no problem.

I don't know if I'm, uh...

Hip to this level of freedom.

We're going to find out.

Oh, there's plenty of room.

Besides, Dan's an ass man.

You've got to be kidding.

It's the God's truth. But you haven't heard anything yet.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No. No, I'm sorry. I can't believe that.

That's too far out for the 50s. Why is it that every generation thinks they

invented sex?

You know, they've been doing it a long time, Sonny. How do you think you got

here? Yeah, yeah, but still, that's pretty wild.

It may be, but I swear it's the truth. May I be struck down by lightning?

Well... Do you ever think that maybe your clientele here is just a little bit

peculiar? That may be so.

But it's not just the clientele, you know. Even the help gets in the act.

The help? Yeah.

Yeah, there was this one.

Her name was Lou Lene. She used to work here.

Fine, beautiful black girl. And one of my best workers, really.

Oh, lovely, lovely. Really beautiful girl.

Anyway, you know, she even saved the honeymoon haven.

Saved? Yeah.

From a horrible tragedy.

Well, I'm all ears. What happened?

Well, must have been back in, yes, it was 68.

You know, flower children, love power. Oh, yeah.

Well, there was this one groom whose love power didn't run out on him.

And so did his bride.

Okay, friend, this is it. You're finished. Jeremy, finished!

You little squirt.

Wait!

Who are you? How did you get in here?

I'm the maid. I came in to make up the room.

Oh, I see.

Sorry, I thought the room was empty.

You saw your van pulling away?

You saw my wife pulling away.

For good.

But the sign on the back of the van said, Love, Peace, Just Married.

Well, you can read. My wife can't.

Yes, maybe I should come back late on.

Yeah, you do that. Me and my friend here will be finished real soon.

Say, can I ask you something?

Sure, shoot.

Well, it might not be none of my business, but what kind of plans do you

that razor?

Look, you're right. It's none of your business.

Now, Miss, uh... Lula Mae?

Lula Mae, will you get out of here?

Right, in a way.

You know, it just might be my business.

How so?

I do have to clean up this place, you know.

And if I guess leaves a big mess?

Oh, well, it'll be just a little mess.

Hmm. All right, all right. So I'll use the bathtub.

You got to clean the tub, too.

Besides, I don't want to find out you did something foolish or nothing, like

kill yourself.

Why not?

Just ain't right, that's all.

So what's right? Look, a man loses his wife because he's not a man.

What's left to do but to kill yourself? If you're not a man, what's that hanging

between your legs?

Don't remind me. This is what you call your basic limp penis.

So? Everything gotta rest sometimes.

Yeah, well, this particular limp penis gotta rest all the time. A real lazy

huh? Yeah, especially when it counts.

Like in bed.

What happens in bed?

Nothing. Nothing?

Yeah, nothing. My wife and I lay there and we cuddled and we kissed and we

snuggled and... Nothing.

What you have here is a failure to communicate.

Oh, but... No, no, I don't think that this is going to help it.

Thank you.

No. No.

Whatever happened to the guy's wife?

I don't know, but after Lulu May, he didn't care.

Oh, don't tell me he ran off and married Lulu May.

Well, he didn't marry her, but they ran off to Hollywood together.

What? Yeah.

That girl made that boy so pecker proud, he wanted to show the whole world.

So he convinced her to get into them there, you know, X -rated movies.

Yeah, yeah. They keep sending me reviews. Here, take a look at this.

Mixed combos.

I always wondered what that meant. Yes, and now you know.

What? Well, this place is a porno paradise.

Hey, look, Sonny. I just provide the setting. They write the scripts.

Yeah, but it's the setting that gets people going, you know? Nice romantic

I mean, you don't exactly see people doing it in public.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

No, no, you're not going to tell me that you've actually had couples here

banging away on the front lawn.

Well, not exactly on the front lawn, but how about doing it in front of other

couples, eh? I mean, you heard about them, their swingers, those, you know,

-swapping. Sure. Well, years ago, people at least believed, you know, in waiting

until they were bored, and so they started swinging, right?

Now, people don't even wait for the ink to dry on the marriage license.

Newlyweds? Oh, Loney.

New as you.

You know, that was before they built this new interstate.

You know, this interstate, it really, really interrupted my business, I want

tell you. Not that I'm complaining. I mean, I still have my customers, but it

really bothers me.

What about these couples?

Oh, the couples, right. Yeah, right, the couples, yeah.

Well, anyway, you know, we told you we were practically filled up. Well,

these four friends, they got married, you know, all together.

And they made a reservation, but we got it filed up.

Because when they got here, all we had was one room with one bed.

Get a hunchback from this.

Oh, Michael, look at this. What?

There's only one bed in this room.

Oh, Annie, give me a break.

They told you this is the last room left in the place. There's no extra beds. I

thought you saw tarantulas.

We're just going to have to go and find another place, right, Johnny?

Too long, Betty. Like the guy said, everything around here is booked up.

some fair or something.

We'll just have to drive on to Scranton. Oh, the perfect idea.

Drive on to Scranton.

Who's been driving the last ten hours? Come on, hey, Joe and I have been

driving. Who's been driving that thing? We'll drive.

Betty and I will drive. I can't drive.

Oh, listen, friends and relatives, boys and girls, everybody settle down now.

We are friends and relatives, or else why would we be having our honeymoon

together? Mike, we agreed to travel together. We didn't agree to sleep

Yeah, I can think of worse ideas. Like what?

Yeah, like driving a Scranton. Hey, come on, Mike's right.

We'll make the best of it. It's just for one night.

How are we all going to fit comfortably on this bed?

Listen, we don't have to sleep. We can converse in body language. Watch this

subtle phrase.

Listen to this now.

Rest? I know. The boys will sleep on the floor. Good idea.

With my back, I'm going to sleep on the floor.

Besides, I didn't know you were that way. What way?

I mean, I'm sure your mother would be very happy to know that you're spending

your honeymoon with a girl of your own faith.

No, I don't. Although you don't make a bad couple at all. Anne, I think your

husband's been watching too many porno movies.

There's porno movies on the fucking brain.

You love it real.

Come on, Mike. Not tonight.

Not tonight. Not tonight? How come? I mean that literally.

I don't want to know the audience.

Listen,

fellas, when you finish with the kindergarten stuff, maybe you can make

sleeping arrangements. I'm going to the ladies.

I'll walk you. Come on.

Never fails, right? One broad's got to be there.

Maybe we don't have to pee. Maybe we're just going to compare notes.

We don't have to think of a better place to compare notes.

Maybe I just have to pee after all.

Don't fall in.

What's it been about four hours since we last saw? I think so. Hurry up. My

bladder's bursting.

I'm trying.

I'm trying.

I think you're right. He's a funny guy.

Mr. Ryan, as long as he excuses gutter mouth.

I don't mind.

Here, here's your... Thanks.

You don't fool me either. I know you like that fresh talk.

Oh, yeah, I like it, but I wouldn't let him know.

Listen, uh, I guess we really ought to deal with the sleeping arrangement.

I don't know what... Well, Joe, no offense, but I don't think I'll be

on the floor with you.

I... My back... It's really bothering me, and a man in my condition,

my genitals, I think I'll sleep on the bed with the girls. You're right, and

you'll tell me about it in the morning?

Of course, I'm not selfish.

Listen, thanks, pal, but no thanks.

You really do have fuck films on the brain, don't you?

Yeah, well, it gave me a lot better ideas than one guy in the bed with two

girls. Like what?

Well, uh, think about it. Two guys, two women, eight armpits.

Man, you're crazy.

Crazy? Crazy spelled backwards is hygiene.

Plus, uh, listen.

How long do we know each other?

Long enough.

Don't you think I know you dig Annie?

Look, I'm not trying to pull a Mr. Purity on you. I know you dig Betty,

Well,

the feeling's mutual.

I'm sure that yours digs me and mine digs you.

You know, I think your Joey's pretty cute, too.

I know you do.

What do you mean you know I do? I just mean I know you think he's cute, that's

all. But I'm not the possessive type. Oh, like hell you're not.

If I don't find a woman threatening... Yes?

And if she's something equal to trade... They'll never go for it. Oh, they'll

never go for it if you talk to them about it.

So? Believe me, I know you're absolutely right.

Look, let me tell you something, though.

Anytime I want to do anything frantic with Annie, we try to discuss it, she

never buys it.

If I just grab her by the short hairs, throw her down and do it, she goes

bananas, loves every minute of it.

Hmm. You know something, uh...

But he's the same way. No shit.

Listen, this is me playing.

I've got an idea.

Listen, the way they're always shooting off at their big mouth, right?

Why don't we just go and suggest, actually suggest that we just, you know,

the old switcheroo?

Are you kidding? Do you know what they do? They pee the penis.

I know what Joey would.

With what?

Penis. And so would Mike. When I try to talk him into anything kinky, he really

never goes for it. But if I just grab him by the short hairs and do it, he

really loves it.

Save it for a toy.

Come on.

Come here, eyes, girls. You've heard of jumpsuits? These are humpsuits.

Now, I've devised some very, very complex sleeping arrangements.

Joe there, Betty there, Annie here, and me here.

Okay, boys and girls, it is now sleepy time.

You know?

I should have known.

Okay, listen. Wait a minute, boys and girls.

I have a suggestion.

Let's try it one more time, this time with the lights on.

One, two.

One, two, three, four.

Thank you.

Well, I admit that sounds like fun, but did they stay married after that? Sure

did.

Well, who stayed married to who? Like I said, they did.

They all did. All four stayed married to each other. They could look each other

in the face after that?

Well, why not? They've been looking at each other everywhere else. I mean, they

bought this big house, and they come back here every year on their

Hmm, and I suppose they stayed happily married after that forever.

Well, so far.

Now, I'm not saying that's the best way for each person, you know, but sometimes

it takes getting married before people know each other.

You know, because sometimes finding out what the other person is like is like a

really bad surprise.

I can relate to that.

Hey, listen, son. You think you've got a problem, huh?

Why, just last month, this couple come in here, pretty southern girl. Well, she

finds out on her wedding night that her husband has another doll on the side.

Oh.

You think that's something?

Wait till I tell you this.

Huh? It went on like... Was it good for you, Francine? Oh, I'm so glad.

Hey, but you're going to have to excuse me now, honey, because I really bushed.

Good night, Francie.

Well, that was the absolutest, bestest ever.

I mean, in my whole entire lifetime, I have never felt one like

that.

Why, it was like I was on this enormous elevator.

And it kept on going up and up and up.

And then just when I thought I'd reached the top, why, that old elevator just

burst right on through the top of the building and kept on going up

and up and up.

Oh, and then there were these pyrotechnical displays, and they were

popping.

happen all around and these big fat splashes of

Michelle. Oh, yeah. Michelle, baby.

You're so fine.

Who is Michelle?

Oh, Michelle.

You're the best.

So soft.

So warm.

Is she better than me?

Michelle, you and me forever.

Oh, I love to touch you.

Touch? Oh, well.

There.

Oh, your soft, warm hair.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Michelle.

I want to squeeze you.

You and me forever, baby.

Oh, well. You know what, sweetheart?

Forever has just arrived.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

I wasted my time in this.

Apparently, Jackson, you wake up.

Michelle?

Michelle, you're...

making the graph. Francie, look. You don't understand.

Look, look, Francie, look.

Oh,

Michelle.

You're going to kill her.

Oh, Michelle.

Oh, baby.

So that was it for Harold and Fran. scene, huh?

Lucky thing nobody got hurt except Michelle.

Some people.

She divorced him just because he talked in his sleep to his teddy bear.

No, no, no, you got it wrong.

He divorced her for killing Michelle.

Got it.

So, I hope you understand, you know, new married people, they have problems.

You got things to work out.

There I can agree with you. Good.

I'm glad I convinced you then. So now maybe you go back to the room and be a

little bit more patient with Mrs.

Charnowski.

Nope. Huh?

You convinced me of something all right, but not to go back and be more patient

with Susan.

What do you mean, son?

Thanks a lot, Mr. Smelt.

Really?

Thanks an awful lot.

Good night, son.

Morris, is that you?

Yeah, honey, it's me.

Oh.

Have you made up your mind yet?

No, Morris, I have not.

Oh. Well, that's okay. You can come out now if you want.

Morris Tornowski, you know damn well I can't come out.

Sure you can.

I'm not going to bother you.

No, but you can stay in there too if you want.

I can?

Uh -huh.

Doesn't matter to me one way or the other.

It doesn't?

No.

I'm not going to try to talk you into something you don't want.

Morris, where have you been?

Oh, no, honey.

I have not been out getting laid. As a matter of fact, I've been downstairs

talking to the guy that owns this place.

He's a nice guy.

He's a little weird, maybe, but he's a nice guy.

Do you mean that when I was in there struggling with the most important

of my life, you were out there talking to some weirdo?

I guess that's what I mean.

Well, thanks a lot.

Well, honey, I wouldn't be too hard on the old man.

He cleared up some things in my head.

Oh, great.

Like what?

Well, I was banging my head against that wall.

Against the door, actually. Trying to make you come out and do it as if it was

the most important thing in the world.

Yeah? And?

Well, and it ain't.

The most important thing in the world, that is. Oh, thanks.

Oh, honey, I'd love you and all that, but it's just not the most important

in the world. I mean, people have been doing it for hundreds of years, maybe

longer. Where do you think you came from?

Well, you don't have to get vulgar. I'm not. I'm just telling it like it is.

And while talking to him, I realized there's a whole world of possibilities

terms of... It.

So, if I can't have it with you... Are you blackmailing me?

No, not at all.

I'm just not going to try to force you into doing something you don't want to.

That's why I've decided to take you home to Mom. You can take all the time you

want to decide.

And if you decide you want to do it, well... All right, if I'm still around.

Morris, you're a beast, and I thought you loved me. I do, honey.

And that's why I'm not going to try to talk you into it. So, come on.

Get your stuff together.

Well, can't we leave in the morning?

Sure we could, but your bed at home is going to be a lot more comfortable than

that bathtub.

Well, can't we sleep in that bed?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

That'd be much too frustrating for me. Maybe you haven't decided whether or not

you want to do it, but I have.

Well, I'm not sure that I want to do it, but...

But maybe, maybe I might want to do it.

Maybe? Maybe.

I knew that boy had some brains.

I told you so.

I told you he'd figure out a way into her heart.

Wherever he got into.

We really got handed to you, Smell.

We thought you'd bombed out on those two. We all did.

Oh, the trouble with you is you don't have any confidence in my ability as a

counselor.

Now, have I ever let you down once, huh?

Have I ever missed out on bringing you one little story in our...

class reunions? No.

But like the man said, we all thought this looked like your first major

disaster.

Yeah, when did they get to see the videotapes?

Yeah, in the morning, as usual.

Hey, do you think they'll join the Honeymoon Haven Club?

Look, they already have.