All language subtitles for All in the Family - S01E01 - Meet the Bunkers

FROM TELEVISION
CITY IN HOLLYWOOD.

♪ BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪

♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪

♪ GUYS LIKE US WE HAD IT MADE ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪

♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪

♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪

♪ MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ♪

♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪

♪ DIDN'T NEED NO WELFARE STATE ♪

♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪

♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LaSALLE RAN GREAT ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪♪

GLORIA, I HURRIED BACK.

GOOD. YOU CAN TAKE
OUT THE GARBAGE.

GARBAGE IS NOT EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND. COME HERE.

NO, NOT NOW, MICHAEL. WHY NOT?

I WANT EVERYTHING READY FOR WHEN
THE FOLKS GET BACK FROM CHURCH.

IT'S DIFFERENT, ISN'T IT?
AN ANNIVERSARY BRUNCH.

YOUR MOTHER'LL LOVE IT, BUT YOUR FATHER,
HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANNIVERSARIES.

YOU HAD TO PICK OUT
THE PRESENT FOR HIM TO

GIVE TO YOUR MOTHER,
I HAD TO GET THE CARD,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW
ABOUT ANY OF THIS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA DO
WHEN HE FINDS OUT? HE'LL HAVE A FIT.

BUT THEN, HE WOULDN'T GET HER
ANYTHING, AND IT'LL MAKE MOM'S DAY.

WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING
AWAY FROM ME? COME HERE.

GLORIA.

GLORIA, WE HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH
YOUR FOLKS SINCE WE'RE MARRIED.

WE DON'T GET THE
HOUSE ALONE MUCH.

OH, WE'RE NOT ALONE.
LIONEL'S UPSTAIRS.

LIONEL? WHY? HE'S FIXING
THE PORTABLE TV FOR DAD.

HE'S GONNA TAKE THE
PRESENT, GET SOME

FRESH-CUT FLOWERS AND
DELIVER THEM TOGETHER,

JUST TO MAKE IT MORE ROMANTIC.

SET'S GOOD AS NEW, GLORIA.

HOW'S IT GOIN',
MIKE? HEY, LIONEL.

I'LL GET THE PRESENT.

SO WHAT'S NEW ON CAMPUS WITH ALL
YOU ANGRY, WHITE SOCIAL DEMOCRATS?

OH, WE'RE SHAKIN' 'EM UP. OKAY.

HEY, UH, WHERE'S
YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW?

HE'S AT CHURCH. GOOD.

WHY? IS HE STILL GIVIN' YOU A
HARD TIME? I'M USED TO HIM BY NOW.

YOU KNOW HIS LATEST KICK? ASKIN' ME
WHAT I'M GONNA BE WHEN I GET TO COLLEGE.

HE LIKES TO HEAR ME SAY, "I'M
GON' BE A 'LECTRICAL ENGINEER."

- YOU SAY THAT FOR HIM?
- GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

HOW ELSE DO I GET TO BECOME
AN ELECTRICAL ENGINEER?

OKAY, LIONEL, HERE'S THE
PRESENT AND THE CARD.

AND MOM LIKES JUST ABOUT ANY KIND
OF FLOWERS. WILL A DOLLAR BE ENOUGH?

WHERE I GET MY FLOWERS,
THIS REPRESENTS A BUCK PROFIT.

HEY, SEE YOU. YEAH.

BYE, LIONEL. SEE YA, LIONEL.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, MICHAEL,
PROMISE ME SOMETHING.

FOR TODAY, FOR THEIR
22nd ANNIVERSARY,

NO FIGHTING WITH DADDY, OKAY?

OKAY. THANK YOU.

NO, NOT NOW. I
DON'T HAVE ANY TIME.

THEY DON'T GET OUT
OF CHURCH TILL 11:30.

IT'S A TEN-MINUTE WALK. WE GOT
TIME TO SPARE. NOT NOW, MICHAEL.

I'VE GOT TOO MUCH ON MY MIND.

IT'S ONE LITTLE THING
MORE. IT'S NOT GONNA HURT.

WE HAVE TO BE DOWNSTAIRS
TO YELL "SURPRISE!"

THEY'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS.
LET THEM YELL "SURPRISE!"

FOR THEIR OWN ANNIVERSARY?

COME HERE.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO,
WHAT DO YOU BRING ME THERE FOR?

I'M NOT GONNA QUARREL
WITH YA, ARCHIE.

THIS MAY BE THE FOURTH TIME IN 22
YEARS YOU'VE BEEN TO CHURCH WITH ME,

SO I'M GRATEFUL FOR THE HALF
A SERMON WE SAT THROUGH.

HALF A SERMON WAS PLENTY.

HE SAID ALL I WANTED TO HEAR.

AND I BEEN TO CHURCH MORE
THAN 4 TIMES IN 22 YEARS TOO.

WELL, MAYBE IT'S SIX TIMES.

SEVEN, IF YOU WANT TO INCLUDE
THE TIME WE WAS MARRIED IN CHURCH.

LOOK, I DON'T WANNA MAKE
NO WORLD WAR III OUT OF THIS.

WHAT DO YOU CALL ALL THIS?

THE TABLE'S ALL SET, WITH
THE GOOD GLASSES AND ALL.

OH! IT'S FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.

LOOK, ARCHIE.

GLORIA AND MIKE,
THEY'VE MADE US A BRUNCH.

A WHAT? A BRUNCH.

A BRUNCH. IT FIGURES. SHE'S
READIN' COSMOPOLITAN AGAIN.

HI!

YOU'RE EARLY.

SO ARE YOU.

WE WERE JUST GONNA GO SIT
DOWN OVER THERE. YEAH, I'LL BET.

11:10 ON A SUNDAY
MORNIN', EDITH.

♪ HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY ANNIVERSARY DEAR MOM
AND DAD ♪ ♪ DEAR MOM AND DADDY ♪

♪ HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU ♪♪

OH, MY. ARCHIE, AIN'T THIS NICE?

YEAH. FIVE MINUTES MORE, WE WOULDA
GOT IT REMOTE FROM THE BEDROOM.

GEE, MOM. WOULD YOU
TELL HIM IT'S NORMAL?

OH, ARCHIE.

WHY DO YOU WANNA PICK ON 'EM WHEN
YOU JUST HAD SUCH A NICE SURPRISE?

THEY WAS THE ONES
THAT HAD THE SURPRISE.

USED TO BE THE DAYLIGHT HOURS WAS RESERVED
FOR THE RESPECTABLE THINGS OF LIFE.

CERTAIN THINGS ARE NO DIFFERENT
NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT? IN MY DAY...

GET YOUR FEET
OFF THAT FURNITURE!

IN MY DAY, WE WAS ABLE
TO KEEP CERTAIN THINGS...

IN THE PROPER "SUSPECTIVE."

TAKE KEEPIN'
COMPANY, FOR INSTANCE.

WHEN YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW AND ME WAS
GOING TOGETHER, IT WAS TWO WHOLE YEARS...

WE NEVER... I NEV... I
MEAN, THERE WAS NOTHIN'.

I MEAN, ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN'.
NOT TILL THE WEDDING NIGHT.

YEAH. AND EVEN THEN...

HERE WE ARE. WE HAVE ORANGE JUICE
IN HERE, THEN GO IN THERE FOR BRUNCH.

MY, MY. HOW FANCY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LEAVE
IT THERE, HUH? COSMOPOLITAN.

OH, DADDY, STOP IT. I
THINK IT'S VERY TODAY.

THAT'S RIGHT. THE IN CROWD NEVER
HAS A WHOLE MEAL IN ONE ROOM ANYMORE.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

YOU'RE A PIP. YOU KNOW THAT?

A REAL PIP.

YOU'RE MARRIED 22
YEARS TODAY, DADDY.

SO TALK REAL NICE TO MOM, OKAY?

LISTEN, LITTLE GIRL, YOU JUST GO
ON AND MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX.

HEH?

AND PULL THAT SKIRT DOWN.

EVERY TIME YOU SIT DOWN IN ONE
OF THEM THINGS, THE MYSTERY'S OVER.

WHAT THE HELL IS IT
NOWADAYS? WILL YOU TELL ME?

GIRLS WITH SKIRTS UP TO HERE,
GUYS WITH HAIR DOWN TO THERE.

I STOPPED IN THE GENTS'
ROOM THE OTHER DAY.

SO HELP ME, THERE WAS A
GUY IN THERE WITH A PONYTAIL.

MY HEART NEARLY
TURNED OVER IN ME.

I THOUGHT I WAS IN
THE WRONG TOILET.

WHY FIGHT IT? THE
WORLD'S CHANGING.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT THE
REVEREND FELTCHER WAS SAYIN'.

YOU TWO SHOULDA HEARD HIM.

OF COURSE, MR. RELIGION HERE WASN'T
SEEIN' EYE-TO-EYE WITH THE SERMON.

WHAT SERMON? THAT WAS SOCIALIST
PROPAGANDA, PURE AND SIMPLE.

AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. YOU
DIDN'T THINK IT WAS SO HOT NEITHER.

I SAID IT WAS
DIFFERENT, THAT'S ALL,

BUT I DIDN'T CURSE THE REVEREND
FROM RIGHT IN THE FRONT PEW.

HE NEVER HEARD ME.

BESIDES, I AIN'T SITTIN' STILL
FOR NO PREACHER TELLIN' ME...

THAT I'M TO BLAME FOR ALL THIS
BREAKDOWN IN LAW AND ORDER THAT'S GOIN' ON.

WHY NOT? WE'RE ALL TO BLAME FOR
NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE CAUSE OF IT.

I'LL TELL YOU THE CAUSE OF IT... THESE
SOB SISTERS LIKE YOUR REVEREND FELTCHER...

AND THE BLEEDIN' HEARTS AND
WEEPIN' NELLIES LIKE YOUSE TWO.

LIKE US? I THINK
WE'D BETTER EAT NOW.

NO, NO, WAIT A
SECOND. IT'S YOU. ME?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU,
THE PROPERTY OWNER,

WITH YOUR 24-INCH TVs AND YOUR FOUR-SLICE
TOASTERS AND ICE-MAKIN' REFRIGERATORS.

THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT, ARCHIE, IS
WHAT YOU GOT AND HOW YOU CAN KEEP IT.

WELL, YOU'D CARE ABOUT IT, TOO,
SONNY BOY, IF YOU HAD ANYTHING,

IF YOU WASN'T LIVIN' OFF OF ME
WITHOUT A POT TO PEEL A POTATO IN.

WAIT A SECOND.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID I COULD
STAY HERE WHILE I WAS IN SCHOOL.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE FOR A YEAR
WHILE YOU LEARNED A TRADE OR SOMETHIN'.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU WAS GONNA WIND UP IN
COLLEGE LEARNIN' HOW TO BE A SUBVERSIVE.

THAT'S RIDIC... I JUST WANNA LEARN A LITTLE
BIT ABOUT SOCIETY SO I CAN HELP PEOPLE.

PEOPLE? YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW
AND ME IS PEOPLE.

HELP US, WILL YA. GO TO WORK.

I KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.

YOU'RE UPSET BECAUSE I WAS NAILING
YOU ON THAT LAW-AND-ORDER THING.

YOU NAILIN' ME?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW I'M GONNA TELL
YOU SOMETHING. MICHAEL.

I KNOW I PROMISED,
BUT I GOTTA SAY THIS.

YOU KNOW WHY WE GOT A BREAKDOWN IN
LAW AND ORDER IN THIS COUNTRY, ARCHIE?

BECAUSE WE GOT POVERTY. REAL
POVERTY. YOU KNOW WHY WE GOT THAT?

BECAUSE GUYS LIKE YOU ARE UNWILLING TO
GIVE THE BLACK MAN, THE MEXICAN-AMERICAN...

AND ALL THE OTHER MINORITIES THEIR JUST AND
HARD-EARNED SHARE OF THE AMERICAN DREAM.

WHO SAID HE WASN'T SMART?

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL,
MICHAEL. BEAUTIFUL.

OH, THAT'S GORGEOUS.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

IF YOUR SPICKS AND YOUR SPADES WANT
THEIR RIGHTFUL SHARE OF THE AMERICAN DREAM,

LET 'EM GET OUT THERE AND
HUSTLE FOR IT JUST LIKE I DONE.

BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING ONE THING. YOU
DIDN'T HAVE TO HUSTLE WITH BLACK SKIN.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO HUSTLE WITH ONE
ARM AND ONE LEG NEITHER. SO WHAT?

SO YOU'RE ADMITTING THAT THE BLACK MAN
IS HANDICAPPED. OH, NO, NO MORE THAN ME.

HE'S JUST AS GOOD AS ME.

I SUPPOSE THE BLACK MAN HAS HAD THE
SAME OPPORTUNITY IN THIS COUNTRY AS YOU.

MORE. HE'S HAD MORE.

I DIDN'T HAVE NO MILLION PEOPLE
MARCHIN' AND PROTESTIN' TO GET ME MY JOB.

NO, HIS UNCLE GOT IT FOR HIM.

ALL I'M SAYIN' IS,
DON'T BLAME ME!

YOU AND THAT REVEREND
BLEEDIN' HEART FELTCHER...

UP THERE IN HIS IVORY SHOWER.

NOW, THAT'S ENOUGH,

TALKING ABOUT A MAN
OF THE CLOTH THAT WAY.

GOD COULD PUNISH YOU FOR THAT.

- GOD? WHAT GOD?
- YEAH, WHAT GOD?

WHAT WAS THAT? DID YOU
HEAR HIM? DID YOU HEAR HER?

WHAT WAS THAT REMARK,
SONNY? WE'D BETTER EAT NOW.

I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT
BY "WHAT GOD?" IT'S NOTHIN', ARCHIE.

YOU NEED GOD. SO FORGET IT.

THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK
ON THE SABBATH, MIKE.

STIFLE, EDITH. THAT'S NO WAY TO
TALK TO YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW EITHER.

EDITH, I TOLD YOU... I MEAN,
SUNDAY IS A DAY OF PEACE AND REST.

EDITH, WILL YOU STIFLE.
ARCHIE, WE'RE ALL HUNGRY.

WILL YOU STIFLE!

DON'T TOUCH NOTHIN'!

NOBODY EATS NOTHIN' AROUND HERE
UNTIL WE GET THIS THING STRAIGHT.

NOW, SONNY BOY, YOU MADE A
CERTAIN REFERENTIAL REMARK THERE...

A MINUTE OR SO AGO...

ALONG THE FOLLOWING LINES...

"WHAT GOD?" YOU SAID.

AND I HEARD YOUR WIFE, MY
FLESH AND BLOOD, REPEAT IT.

SO LET'S HEAR IT AGAIN. WHAT
DID YOU MEAN BY "WHAT GOD?"

WE JUST DON'T SEE ANY
EVIDENCE OF GOD, THAT'S ALL.

THAT'S RIGHT, DADDY.

"THAT'S RIGHT, DADDY."

WELL, I KNEW WE HAD A
COUPLE OF PINKOS IN THIS HOUSE,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
WE HAD ATHEISTS!

DID YOU KNOW THAT, EDITH, THAT WE
HAD A PAIR OF ATHEISTS UNDER THIS ROOF?

WELL, MAYBE IF WE COULD
JUST EAT A LITTLE SOMETHIN'...

WILL YOU STIFLE,
YOU SILLY DINGBAT!

I DON'T WANT NO MORE ARGUMENTS.

WE ARE NOT ARGUIN'.
WE'RE DISCUSSIN'.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU
CALL IT. IT'S STILL ARGUING.

WE'RE HAVING WHAT WE ALWAYS
HAVE AROUND HERE... A DISCUSSION.

I DON'T SEE THE DIFFERENCE.
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE A DINGBAT.

AND GET THAT RIDICULOUS
HAT OFF YOUR HEAD!

WILL YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.
SO LONG AS YOU DON'T ARGUE.

EDITH, STAY THE
HELL OUT OF THIS!

AAAH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER? GET
AWAY FROM ME, YOU MEATHEAD!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU
NEARLY BURNT THE HAND OFF ME!

WELL, WHAT DID HE DO?

HE HELPS HIMSELF TO COFFEE, THEN HE
TURNS THE HANDLE AROUND THE OTHER WAY.

OH, DADDY, HE DIDN'T
DO IT ON PURPOSE.

WELL, LET ME SEE. IT
REALLY HURTS, HUH? YEAH.

RIGHT ABOUT IN THERE? YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK WE
OUGHTA DO? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK WE OUGHTA EAT.

GIVE ME OVER THE KETCHUP THERE.

KETCHUP ON EGGS? DADDY, REALLY.

"DADDY, REALLY" HAS BEEN
EATIN' KETCHUP ON EGGS...

SINCE BEFORE YOU
WAS BORN, LITTLE GIRL.

SO DON'T LET IT CONCERN YA, HUH?

OH, ARCHIE, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

WELL, WHO'S FOR MORE EGGS?

SURE I CAN'T HELP YOU, DEAR?

NOT TODAY, MOM. TODAY YOU SIT.

IF I NEED ANY HELP,
MICHAEL CAN DO IT.

IT WON'T DO HIM
NO HARM, NEITHER.

THE LAST TIME I SEEN HIM LIFTIN' A HAND
AROUND HERE, HE WAS TESTIN' HIS DEODORANT.

MOM! OH, ARCHIE,
LEAVE HIM ALONE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I
DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO ANYTHING.

I'M STUDYING SIX HOURS, I'M IN CLASS SIX
HOURS. GOING TO COLLEGE IS HARD WORK.

FOR YOU, IT'S LIKE
BUILDIN' THE PYRAMIDS.

ALL THAT SOCIOLOGY AND
STUDYIN' THAT WELFARE

STUFF, I DON'T CALL
THAT NO HARD WORK.

OH, DADDY, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL THAT MICHAEL
WANTS TO HELP THE UNDERPRIVILEGED.

LISTEN, IF HE WANTS TO HELP THE

UNDERPRIVILEGED, LET
HIM START WITH HIMSELF.

HE'S GOT NO BRAINS, NO AMBITION.

IF THAT AIN'T UNDERPRIVILEGED,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

THAT'S IT!

MOTHER, WE'RE
MOVING OUT OF HERE.

I'M NOT GONNA STAY
IN THIS HOUSE ANOTHER

MINUTE TO SEE MY
HUSBAND INSULTED LIKE THAT!

ARCHIE, SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

IF SHE LEAVES HERE, SHE'LL
BE DEAD INSIDE A YEAR.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
THEY AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

SHE CAN'T BE CLEANIN'
AN APARTMENT...

AND COOKIN' AND MARKETING.

WHY, DR. FEINSTEIN
SAYS SHE'S ANEMIC.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

FOR TEN BUCKS, SOME OF THESE DOCTORS'LL
TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT TO HEAR.

HE'S THE BEST THERE IS
WHEN IT COMES TO BLOOD.

MY COUSIN FROM
THE HOSPITAL SAID SO.

YOUR COUSIN FROM THE
HOSPITAL EMPTIES BEDPANS.

DON'T MAKE HIM
OUT NO SPECIALIST.

I KNOW WHAT DR. FEINBERG SAID.

FEINSTEIN. FEINSTEIN. FEINBERG.

IT ALL COMES TO THE SAME THING,

AND I KNOW THAT TRIBE.

I'M TELLIN' YOU, ARCHIE, THEM
KIDS DON'T LEAVE THIS HOUSE...

UNTIL MIKE CAN PROVIDE
FOR HER PROPER.

OH, BOY.

FOUR YEARS BEFORE I EVEN BEGIN TO
MAKE A LIVING. IT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER.

LET ME TELL YOU,
SONNY BOY, THE SAME

THOUGHT CROSSES MY
MIND AT LEAST ONCE A DAY.

MOM...

GLORIA, YOU MARRIED THE
LAZIEST WHITE MAN I EVER SEEN.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S BAD ENOUGH
YOU GOTTA MAKE FUN OF ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE IT
WORSE BY ATTACKING A WHOLE RACE.

WHO'S ATTACKIN' A WHOLE RACE?

YOU ARE. YOU JUST SAID I WAS THE
LAZIEST WHITE MAN YOU EVER MET.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
THAT? "WHITE MAN YOU EVER MET."

- YEAH, YOU.
- IMPLYING THAT THE BLACKS
ARE EVEN LAZIER.

WAIT A MINUTE, MEATHEAD.
YOU SAID THAT, NOT ME.

I NEVER SAID YOUR
BLACK BEAUTIES WAS LAZY.

IT'S JUST THEIR SYSTEMS IS GEARED A LITTLE
SLOWER THAN THE REST OF US, THAT'S ALL.

- COME ON!
- YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
LOOK IT UP.

THERE'S JUST NO
FIGHTING THIS PREJUDICE.

THERE'S NO HOPE FOR
HIM. NO HOPE AT ALL.

I'M NOT PREJUDICED.

ANY MAN DESERVES MY RESPECT, HE'S
GONNA GET IT REGARDLESS OF HIS COLOR.

WHAT DO YOU CALL 'EM
"BLACK BEAUTIES" FOR?

NOW, THAT'S WHERE I
GOT YOU, MR. LIBERAL.

BECAUSE THERE'S A BLACK GUY THAT
WORKS DOWN AT THE BUILDING WITH ME,

AND HE'S GOT A BUMPER
STICKER ON HIS CAR THAT SAYS,

"BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL."

SO WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH "BLACK BEAUTIES"?

IT'S NICER THAN WHEN
HE CALLED 'EM "COONS."

I'LL GET IT.

IF "BLACK BEAUTIES" IS KOSHER
WITH THEM, IT'S KOSHER WITH ME.

HEY, LIONEL. COME
ON IN. HOW'S IT GOIN'?

IN A WAY, WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

OH, MICHAEL!

YEAH, YEAH, TALKIN'
ABOUT PREJUDICE.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, LIONEL.

YES, SIR, MR. BUNKER.

THESE ARE FOR YOU, MRS. BUNKER,
A PRESENT FROM AN ADMIRER.

FOR ME? OH, MY GOODNESS!

OH, I AIN'T HAD A
PRESENT FOR TEN YEARS!

GEE, I WONDER WHO IT'S FROM.

THERE'S SOMETHIN' I
WANNA ASK YOU, LIONEL.

LET HER OPEN HER GIFT FIRST.

SHE'S WAITED TEN YEARS. ANOTHER
MINUTE AIN'T GONNA KILL HER.

COME HERE, LIONEL.

I WANNA ASK YOUR
OPINION ON SOMETHIN'.

WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED DOIN'
ODD JOBS AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

ONE OF THE FIRST GUYS TO
THROW A LITTLE WORK YOUR WAY...

BY THE WAY, DID YOU FIX
THE TV? SURE DID, MR. BUNKER.

THAT'S SWELL. GOOD BOY.
HERE, PUT THAT IN YOUR POCKET.

CHEAPER THAN A
REPAIRMAN, BELIEVE ME.

IS ANYBODY TALKIN' TO YOU?

NOW, LIONEL, YOU COULD SAY, BY
THROWIN' YOU THESE LITTLE JOBS,

THAT I WAS HELPIN' YOU GET SOME MONEY
SO YOU COULD GO TO COLLEGE AND BECOME...

A 'LECTRICAL ENGINEER! YEAH!

YOU HEAR THAT?

- ASK YOUR QUESTION ALREADY.
- KEEP YOUR DRAWERS ON.

BY THE WAY, THAT'S A
NICE SUIT YOU GOT ON.

IT'S CLASSY. IT'S DIFFERENT.
IT'S QUIET. WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

UP IN HARLEM. NO!

I GOT TWO MORE, BUT ONE'S YELLOW WITH
STRIPES, THE OTHER'S PURPLE WITH CHECKS.

YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN
I'M WITH MY PEOPLE.

WELL, ANYWAY, LIONEL, UH, I WOULD
SAY THAT YOU KNOW ME PRETTY GOOD.

WOULDN'T YOU? OH, YES, SIR, I
GOT A BEAD ON YOU, ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW YOU REAL
GOOD. GOOD, GOOD.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GET TO THE POINT.

WHAT HE WANTS TO KNOW IS
IF YOU THINK HE'S PREJUDICED.

PREJUDICED? YEAH.

AGAINST WHO?

AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE.

AGAINST BLACK
PEOPLE? MR. BUNKER?

WHY, THAT'S THE MOST
RIDICULOUS THING I EVER HEARD.

THERE! YOU SEE THAT, WISE GUY?

YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW HIM,
YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME.

OH, THESE LIBERALS, THEY'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE SO SENSITIVE, YOU KNOW.

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THIS GUY IS
SENSITIVE, LIONEL... RIGHT IN HIS TUCKUS.

UH, WHERE?

IT'S A YIDDISH WORD. IT MEANS...

UH, I KNOW WHERE IT'S AT.

UH, I WAS JUST WONDERING, MR. BUNKER,
WHAT'S WITH THE JEWISH WORD?

AH, WELL, I HEAR THEM. WE GOT A COUPLE
OF HEBES WORKIN' DOWN AT THE BUILDING.

DOES HE USE WORDS LIKE THAT
VERY OFTEN? NOW AND THEN.

I TOLD YA, I WORK
WITH A COUPLE OF JEWS.

UH, BEGGIN' YOUR
PARDON, MR. BUNKER,

BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN
TO BE ONE OF THEM, WOULD YOU?

WHAT?

WELL, PEOPLE DON'T USE JEWISH
WORDS JUST LIKE THAT, DO THEY, MIKE?

NO, NOT IN MY EXPERIENCE.

MAYBE PEOPLE DON'T,
BUT I DO, AND I AIN'T NO YID.

COME TO THINK OF IT,
WHEN YOUR FATHER WAS

VISITING LAST YEAR,
WASN'T HIS NAME DAVEY...

- MY FATHER'S NAME WAS DAVID.
- RIGHT. AND WHAT WAS
YOUR MOTHER'S NAME?

IT WAS SARAH. YEAH, MY MOTHER'S
NAME WAS SARAH. SO WHAT?

UH, DAVID AND SARAH.
TWO JEWISH NAMES.

DAVID AND SARAH... TWO
NAMES RIGHT OUT OF THE BIBLE.

WHICH HAS GOT NOTHIN'
TO DO WITH THE JEWS.

NOW, YOU DON'T WANT...

YOU DON'T WANNA GET
UPTIGHT ABOUT IT, MR. BUNKER.

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED
OF, BEING JEWISH. BUT I AIN'T JEWISH!

LOOK AT THAT. SEE THE WAY HE
USES HIS HANDS WHEN HE ARGUES?

HUH? VERY SEMITIC GESTURE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT IT, YOU DUMB POLACK?

ALL RIGHT. ALL
RIGHT. I'M A POLACK.

YOU SURE ARE.
YOU'RE A POLACK JOKE.

BUT I DON'T MIND, THOUGH.

I'M POLISH. I'M PROUD OF IT.

THERE YOU ARE, MR. BUNKER. YOU
OUGHTA BE PROUD YOU'RE JEWISH.

BUT I AIN'T JEWISH!

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WAS JEWISH.

WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, SHOULD
KNOW THAT I AIN'T JEWISH.

YOU ARE TALKIN' WITH YOUR HANDS.

YOU SEE, THE JEWS
TEND TO BE EMOTIONAL.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME, LIONEL. I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU THIS ONCE MORE, AND THAT'S ALL.

I AM NOT JEWISH.
YES, SIR, MR. BUNKER.

BUT EVEN IF YOU ARE, IT DOESN'T
CHANGE THINGS BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

I'M NOT GONNA THROW AWAY NINE YEARS OF
FRIENDSHIP OVER A LITTLE THING LIKE THAT.

- SO LONG, EVERYBODY.
- BYE, LIONEL.

WELL, I HATE A SMART-ALECK KID,

AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT COLOR HE IS.

WELL, I THINK I'LL GO LAY
DOWN AND WATCH A LITTLE TV.

WAIT, DADDY. MOM HASN'T
OPENED HER GIFT YET.

OPEN IT NOW, MOM.
YEAH, GO AHEAD, MA.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. LOOK,
MY HANDS ARE SHAKING.

OH! OH, MY!

LACE HANKIES. LOOK, GLORIA.

TWO BEAUTIFUL LACE HANKIES.

IS THAT ALL? DON'T YOU
WANNA KNOW WHO IT'S FROM?

YEAH, SIT DOWN, DADDY. COME ON.

THERE'S A CARD
THERE, MOM. OPEN IT.

THOSE ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
HANKIES. THAT'S REAL LACE.

AND FLOWERS. I'VE
JUST NEVER SEEN SUCH...

OH, MY GLORY.

COME ON, EDITH.
WHO ARE THEY FROM?

THEY'RE FROM YOU, ARCHIE.

I CAN'T HARDLY BELIEVE IT.

I AIN'T SEEN AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT
FROM YOU SINCE THE FIRST YEAR.

POUND HIS BACK, MIKE.

KEEP AWAY FROM ME,
MEATHEAD. KEEP AWAY FROM ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA TRY USING ONE.

YOU KNOW, SEE
HOW I LOOK WITH IT.

SOME PEOPLE DON'T LOOK
NATURAL WITH FANCY THINGS.

OH, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL,
MOM! PERFECTLY NATURAL.

JUST DON'T BLOW IN IT.
IT'LL GO RIGHT THROUGH.

OH, ARCHIE, I JUST
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

EXCEPT THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

OH, I DO THANK YOU, ARCHIE DEAR.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, EDITH.
YOU'RE GETTIN' ME ALL WET.

READ THE CARD.

OH. ARCHIE.

I'LL BET IT'S A HALLMARK.

WELL, PRETTY NEAR.

OH, THERE'S A VERSE INSIDE.

"TOGETHER." OHH.

"THROUGH ALL THE
YEARS I'VE BEEN WITH YOU,

"WE'VE HAD OUR UPS
AND DOWNS, 'TIS TRUE.

"BUT LIFE WITH US
HAS JUST BEGUN.

"WE'VE YET TO HAVE
ALL OF OUR FUN.

AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER."

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?

"AND WHEN, MY DEAR,
WE'RE OLD AND GRAY,

"AND LIFE FOR US
IS SUNNY WEATHER,

"WE'LL LOOK BACK
ON OUR LIVES AND SAY,

IT'S BEEN A GAY,
GAY LARK TOGETHER."

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, WILL YOUSE.

THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY'S OVER. WHY DON'T
YOUSE ALL GET BUSY AND CLEAN UP THE MESS.

THEM EGGS OVER THERE
IS STARTIN' TO "FOMENT."

OH, ARCHIE, I... I JUST
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THAT WAS SO BEAUTI... OHH.

HEY, DO YOU HAVE TO
ALWAYS BE DOIN' THAT?

IT'S AS IF SHE WAS A HAMBURGER.

MOM!

THE CARD KINDA GOT TO YOU, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT
GOT TO YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.

NO, NO, IT GOT TO YOU TOO.

- I NEVER KNEW YOU WERE
SO SOFT AND SENTIMENTAL.
- YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH ANYHOW.

I WANNA TELL YOU
SOMETHIN' ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU ARE A PERSON OF
VERY LITTLE QUALITY.

YOU GOT NO APPRECIATION
FOR SOME OF YOUR FINER THINGS.

WHAT... ARCHIE, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT A GREETING CARD.

THEY GOT SOME DAMN GOOD WRITERS
WRITIN' FOR THEM CARDS. COME ON.

SOME OF YOUR BEST SONG LYRICS
COME RIGHT OFF THEM CARDS! ALL RIGHT!

WHAT ARE YOU GETTIN' SO EXCITED
ABOUT? IT'S A GREETING CARD.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WROTE
THE THING. NO, I DIDN'T WRITE IT.

BUT WHO HAD THE GOOD
TASTE TO PICK IT OUT?

AW, GO ON, WILL YA, MEATHEAD.

♪ BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪

♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪

♪ GUYS LIKE US WE HAD IT MADE ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪♪