Original subtitles

[Wind blowing, insects buzzing]

[Birds cawing]

[Wood scraping]

[Harmonica plays]

-When you go into the woods,

I have one word for you --

footwear.

Have you ever tried to pry a copperhead out

from under the Plasticine strap on a flip-flop.

[Harmonica plays]

That's not something you want to do.

[Harmonica plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

[Static]

-Did you know that there are only five college movies.

Maybe you think you've seen more,

but it's been the same movie over and over again.

I'm calling tonight's movie a college movie

because it's set in a military academy,

and I guess, technically, that could be high school,

but if you look at the average age of the cadets,

it's 38, so let's get real.

That movie is "Evilspeak," by the way, and I've been

waiting so long for this.

We've got this set up as a "Hail Satan" double feature.

This is Mephistopheles Night, we're going full-bore Beelzebub,

we're pimping the Prince of Darkness,

and not only that, we have the star of "Evilspeak,"

the man Darcy has been chasing for years,

I speak of none other than Clint Howard.

This is one of the best computer-based military-academy

bullying revenge movies with demonic pigs

and gratuitous bikini pageants of the last four decades.

But more important, it's one of Clint Howard's

best starring roles,

He was only 21 years old when he made this,

but of course he had already been acting for years and years

since his daybutt was on "The Andy Griffith Show"

when he was just three years old.

So Clint is in the house, Darcy!

-Whoo! -Yeah.

He's not actually in this house. He's in his own house.

He's going to be on the satellite feed.

-You tease. -But Darcy the Mail Girl,

ladies and gentlemen-there.

Her she is, cozying up to the mail,

embracing your mail, hugging your mail,

giving your tweets, e-mails, messages

and posts the loving attention they deserve.

What's the best Clint Howard movie, Darcy?

-"Ice Cream Man."

-I knew you were gonna say "Ice Cream Man."

You've had Clint on your podcast and your YouTube show,

you have just been all over Clint, right?

-[Chuckles] If only.

[Laughter]

-Well, I vote for "Evilspeak" as his best --

as his best movie.

And I'm not counting those big-budget movies

that his brother Ron Howard puts him in.

Yeah, okay, the special effects in "Apollo 13"

might be better than "Evilspeak."

But among movies that have a strong Clint Howard presence,

I would also include "The Wraith."

I think he stands out in "The Wraith"

even though it's a small role.

But before we hook up with Clint,

I wanna talk about college movies.

There are five types of college movies as I said.

Numero Uno: Nerd wins the football game and dies.

Numero Two-o: Joe College gets laid.

Numero Three-o: Joe College gets his face eaten off

by a psycho mutant.

Numero Four-o: Tow-headed bastards with Rolex watches

hang out on the beach and discuss sculling.

And the most complex subgenre of the college movie,

numero five-o: A young, sensitive boy

from the Midwest goes to college and finds out,

A, he'll never win the football game,

B, he'll never get laid, C, if he does get laid,

the girl will dump him,

D, all the tow-headed bastards with Rolex watches

will never talk to him, E, he's lousy at sculling,

F, maybe he shouldn't be in college,

and G, maybe he'll quit right now and show them.

These movies are always damn near three hours of whining.

Okay, let's take em one at a time.

As we all know, the supreme example

of nerd-wins-the-football-game is "Knute Rockne, All American,"

which includes dialogue like this:

"You know what?

We're gonna pass the Army this November!"

"Rock, if that works, it'll make history!"

[Laughing] So, why do people watch this flick

over and over again?

To see Ronald Reagan die over and over again.

In fact, the movie oughta end as soon as Ronald Reagan dies,

but it goes on for another hour so we can see Pat O'Brien die

after he wins one for the Gipper,

and so we can see Knute Rockne's ghost walk across the field.

One of the worst movies in history,

but it has all the elements.

Other versions of this are "Chariots of Fire",

where Ben Cross wins one for Moses

but doesn't die because it's a true story.

"Up the Creek", where the college rafting team wins one

to keep from getting kicked out of school;

and "Jocks", where the tennis team

wins one for no apparent reason.

You know, they're actually better when they die.

Next, "Joe College Gets Laid."

The history of this one is simple.

It starts with "Where the Boys Are",

where people go to Lauderdale and talk about getting laid

but only the bad girl, Yvette Mimieux,

actually does get laid; followed by "Beach Party",

where Frankie Avalon keeps dropping hints

about getting laid but Annette acts

like she doesn't understand what he's talking about;

followed by "Get Yourself a College Girl",

which turns everybody off sex for a while

because it forces us to think about Chad Everett

and Nancy Sinatra actually doing it together;

followed by four more beach movies with the exact same plot;

followed by "The Trip", where everybody gets laid;

followed by "Animal House",

where everybody is sick of getting laid

and so they get drunk;

followed by Reagan-era movies like "Going All the Way",

in which nobody goes all the way, and "Getting It On",

in which nobody gets it on; followed by "Spring Break",

in which nobody plays football, goes all the way, gets it on,

or does anything except stand around drinking

Miller out of cans; followed by "Where the Boys Are" again!

The 1984 remake, which has four extremely ugly girls

trolling Lauderdale for sex and disease.

You can see how far the American college student advanced

in just two decades. Okay?

The third category, college students

getting sliced and diced, is one of my favorites,

and that's what we have tonight.

Others include "Pieces", "Girls School Screamers",

"Killer Party", and "Sorority House Massacre".

The basic premise here is that Greeks are too stupid

to figure out there's a maniac in the house.

That's why there's always only one survivor,

the one who's still trying to decide whether to pledge

I Felta Thigh or not.

The tow-headed bastard category, one of the most repulsive

kinds of movies ever made.

It's always about southern California weenie boy

jerkola surfer types shaking the blond locks

out of their eyes. [Laughter]

Best illustrated by "Campus Man",

in which renowned lipstick lizard Morgan Fairchild

tries to find the perfect hunk for her calendar.

Equally fascinating character studies

are to be found in "Fraternity Vacation",

"North Shore". And who could ignore it?

"Snowballing".

And, finally, we have movies about education itself,

a topic so boring there have only been about 20 of these

in history, and 15 of those were made in England,

which doesn't count because nobody can watch a movie

about Oxford or Cambridge without falling dead asleep.

If you want to test this thesis, try watching "Lucky Jim",

the story of a young university professor

who messes up the flower arrangements

on commencement day.

In England, this is considered an uproarious comedy.

So generally, you have three types really: "Class of '44",

guys hanging around with guys at college,

thinking about girls, and finding out guys

mean more to 'em than girls; "The Paper Chase",

guys hanging around with girls at college,

trying to figure out what's more important, college

or the girl, and choosing the girl;

and "The Strawberry Statement", movies so relevant

and hip that the guy decides sculling is not that important,

girls are not that important, college is not that important.

The only thing that's important

is making sure the big corporations

don't tear down the playgrounds for minority children.

The movie ends with ten solid minutes of students

being clubbed into a bloody mess by National Guardsmen.

At any rate, the message in all these movies is the same:

college is not worth it.

That's why my favorite college movie, "Girl Crazy."

Mickey Rooney goes to college, and that's the last

you ever hear about college.

You know, when he shows up opening day.

In 1943, Hollywood knew how to make a college movie.

If you want my all-time 10 top college list,

write to me at joebob@joebobbriggs.com

and I'll send it to you.

Not to be confused with my top 10 party school list,

which I don't send out anymore ever since I was threatened

with a lawsuit [laughter]

by a dean at Northern, where was it?

Northern Arizona University.

Go Lumberjacks! I love the Lumberjacks.

Okay, as you all know,

when Joe Bob says heads will roll, heads will roll.

And I'm saying it now: Heads will roll in "Evilspeak."

This is one of those movies that doesn't mess around.

Five minutes along and, thunk,

sword through the Adam's apple in slow motion.

It's all about this evil priest named Lorenzo Esteban

who was banished from Spain by the church

and forbidden to say Mass because they caught

the sorry S.O.B. offering human sacrifices of young virgins.

Heads roll right there in that scene.

Then, after we learn about Lorenzo,

we get a flash-forward to the modern story,

which is all about this nerdy kid named Coopersmith

who goes to this boys school

where he gets pushed around all the time

because he's a wimp and a crybaby.

All the guys at the school are always beating up Coopersmith,

and the coaches give him a hard time,

and the girls tell him what a creep he is.

And finally Coopersmith is pretty fed up,

and he discovers this secret passage

in the basement of the chapel.

It's the tomb of Lorenzo, he of the rolling heads.

Anyway, a lot of stuff happens before

Coopersmith figures it out,

including a tender moment with Luca Brasi.

Luca Brasi is in this movie,

but what it amounts to is the ghost of Lorenzo

wants to come back and cut off some more virgin heads

and Coopersmith wants to get revenge on everybody,

and so Coopersmith starts studying the Black Mass

and learning how to summon up these vicious attack pigs.

I still don't know exactly what Coopersmith does

to his primitive 1980 Apple computer,

but he gets some mandrake root and unholy water

and consecrated host and mixes it all up

and then Lorenzo gives him some instructions

through his floppy disk,

and finally Coopersmith is ready for action.

The actual revenge part takes up

about the last 30 minutes of the film,

and I won't tell you everything that happens,

but it has -- it has it all.

So let's look at those drive-in totals

and get started.

We have: 13 dead bodies.

1 dead puppy.

5 breasts. 8 bewtocks.

4 heads roll.

2 wild pig attacks.

Prelate spitting.

Multiple pentagram creation.

Consecrated host crumpling.

Chandelier body piercing.

Bleeding crucifix, with projectile hand spike.

Bloody heart-ripping.

Multiple broadsword head-hacking.

Floating Clint Howard Demon.

Blood-drinking. Nail to the forehead.

1 attack rat.

Strangulation.

Pantsing.

Exploding church, with fireball.

Boot to the groin. Neck-snapping.

Animal-head prankster attack.

Hitchcockian shower scene, but with pigs.

Multiple pig heads.

Gratuitous skating rink.

Gratuitous Kahlil Gibran.

Amphibian fetus Fu.

Computer Fu. Black mass Fu.

Drive-In Academy Awards nominations for Hamilton Camp,

as the Nazi lecturer;

Lynn Hancock as the hot secretary to the colonel;

Charles Tyner as Colonel Kincaid,

the butt-pounding headmaster whose advice

is "Just accept the fact that your parents are gone

and make the best of it";

Don Stark as Bubba the head bully in the bully patrol,

R.G. Armstrong as Sarge the janitor

for saying "Somebody took my crowbar!";

Eric Weston, the writer/director,

for painting the walls red, feeding them to pigs,

and exploding them; and Clint Howard,

in the best nerd revenge performance in history.

And the best part is that Clint is here with us tonight.

Coopersmith lives!

We're gonna watch this movie from the inside out,

step by step, scene by scene, with the man himself.

Four stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

And by the way, if you're being bullied,

this movie tells you how to deal.

Buy an Apple II eight-bit home computer...

[Laughter]

to communicate with dead demonic servants of Satan.

Why an Apple II, you ask?

Why not a Commodore PET 2001,

which is the choice here at Shudder?

Because...

color graphics.

You're gonna spin those pentagrams through cyberspace

and save 'em on your floppy.

Always save your floppies.

Right, Darcy?

-Right? [Laughter ]

-Do you even know what a floppy is?

-Oh, yeah.

-The devil likes floppies.

-Well, I like hard drives.

[Laughter]

-Darcy, I'm shocked.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Waves crashing]

[Birds cooing]

[Speaking in Latin]

-[Spits]

♪♪

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Speaking in Latin]

♪♪

♪♪

[All chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Geez!

-What the hell are you doing?

-You screwed up for the last time, Cooperdick.

-Come on, get the ball!

[Cheers and applause]

-Nice game, Cooperdick.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Hey, slick. It wasn't your fault, man.

-Tell that to them.

-It was a good game. Come on.

-Cooperdick, man, you're a bad joke.

-We're gonna settle this later, pal.

-Why don't you guys leave him alone.

Cut it out. -Cut it off, you mean.

-Hey, I'm trying my hardest out there.

-You couldn't play for the March of Dimes, Coopersmith.

-Well, I am playing.

The coach says I get to play.

-The coach?

[Indistinct conversations]

[Towel snaps] Coach that.

-Knock it off! [Bangs on locker

[Water pouring]

Come on girls.

This place looks like a shit house.

You got five minutes to shower and get the hell out of here.

-Hey, Coach, are you really gonna play him

against John Paul Jones?

-Everybody plays sports here, Bubba.

-I guess that's another game we're gonna lose?

Huh, Coach.

-Come here, Bubba.

Listen to me.

You know the policy as well as I do.

Everybody plays two out of every four quarters,

Now, what the hell you expect me to do about that, huh?

Huh?

Now, if something happened to Coopersmith

so he couldn't play...

-Hey, Slick, you still on extra duty at the chapel?

-Yeah, I got to start cleaning that freaking cellar today.

-I'll bet you'll be down there all year.

Maybe 'til he graduates.

-Hey, Cooperdick, you should really take advantage

of visiting day.

Maybe you could get out of your detail.

-Big dope.

You have to have a mother and a father.

Coopersmith's are dead.

-Oh.

Maybe they'll let the lady

from the welfare office visit you.

Maybe they'll let her pass as your mother.

[Laughter]

[Band playing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey.

[Child squealing]

♪♪

-The way I see it, Mrs. Caldwell,

the military's the backbone of this country.

our only hope in preserving

this democratic way of life of ours.

Good stock and breeding will tell.

There was a time when only the sons of the right

families attended our academy here,

but now, due to our financial condition,

we're obliged to take in welfare cases like Coopersmith.

♪♪

-Reverend?

♪♪

Reverend Jameson?

[Door opens]

[Sinister music plays]

Reverend?

♪♪

Reverend Jameson?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What the hell are you doing down here?

-[Stuttering] I'm on punishment duty, Sir.

Um, well, I came down looking for the Reverend.

I'll just start cleaning out the cellar.

-Nobody told me about it.

-Well you know, I bet you he forgot.

-Nobody knows you're down here, huh?

-Coopersmith? -Oh, it's you, Sir.

When I didn't find you upstairs, I came down here

and started cleaning some of this junk,

and well then, I ran into the Sarge here.

-Sergeant, Private Coopersmith is on a punishment detail.

-Punishment?

-Yes, and I want you to give him a hand.

-Why...

I don't have enough to do as it is.

-Coopersmith here will do all the work.

-Okay. Okay.

[Laughing]

-Ah, there's the Reverend.

-Pardon my dust. I just come up from the cellar.

I've just been giving Mrs. Caldwell

a tour of the grounds.

-I've always admired the architecture of your school.

-Why, thank you.

-But what always intrigued me, is the chapel.

-I think the Reverend has a better background

of that than I.

He made a study of it.

-I was curious about the old building myself, so I...

I started to do a little digging.

[Band music playing]

♪♪

[Box dragging]

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

[Metal clanks]

♪♪

-Oh, come on.

♪♪

-Come on, guy.

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Metal rattles]

♪♪

Jesus.

-And the founder of the order was a certain Father Esteban.

You see, the actual land that the school sits on,

was given to Esteban in an order of Spanish monks

when they fled the inquisition.

-[Laughing]

Whoa.

Mm-hmm.

Ahh.

[Metal clanks] [Humming]

[Laughs]

This work...

[Laughs]

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks open]

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct whispering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, my God.

♪♪

♪♪

Wow.

What a score.

♪♪

♪♪

[Rat screeches]

♪♪

[Door slams shut]

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

[Band music playing]

-Rumor has it that before being executed,

Esteban vowed to return and extract his revenge.

The signal would manifest itself on these very grounds.

-Hmm. How interesting.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-My crowbar.

♪♪

-Did you enjoy your tour of the chapel, Mrs. Caldwell?

-Oh, I certainly did.

Reverend Jameson was most informative.

-Oh, there's Douglas. Douglas.

You have a fine son there, Mrs. Caldwell.

-Thank you. Mother's going now.

Give her a kiss.

-Oh, Mom.

-I hope we have the financial resources to do right by him.

-Oh, I'm sure you will, Colonel.

I'll have a talk with the Senator tonight.

He's very big on military causes,

especially tax exempt ones.

-Nice to have you.

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Water bubbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

They unplugged my clock.

Damn.

Look at my clothes.

-[Speaking in Latin]

Rise, arise [speaks Latin]

get possession of, become master of.

[Speaks Latin] Greedy, attack.

You are late, Coopersmith.

I hope you have an unimpeachable excuse.

Your silence pleases me, Coopersmith.

I will consider any excuse unacceptable short

of your being detained from visitors from outer space.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

I take it we can rule out extraterrestrial interference?

-Yes, sir.

-Now, with your permission, I will continue.

Gentlemen, over the next few weeks,

we will be campaigning as Julius Caesar.

We will try to duplicate Caesar's military strategy

as well as read Latin.

The final exam will consist of questions

about that strategy as well as your ability

to master Latin grammar and vocabulary.

For your sake, I hope that all of you

have become little experts

at conjugation, declension and irregular verbs.

Also, let me emphasize strongly the importance

of the model assignment upon which you are working.

I expect nothing less than perfection

in concept and execution.

Remember, this is a military academy.

Any mistake big or small will be dealt with

in the most severe terms.

Understood?

You must never forget you're being trained

in a military career.

An inferior model will earn you an F in this class.

[Speaking in Latin]

[Indistinct whispering]

A word to the wise, Coopersmith.

♪♪

[Bell ringing]

[Taps table]

Dismissed.

Not you, Coopersmith.

[Indistinct conversations]

This is the second time you have been late this week,

Coopersmith.

I want you to report to the Colonel's office

after your last class.

I do not understand you, Coopersmith.

You have a fine mind,

if only you were to apply yourself.

-I do try, Sir.

Well, you know my model catapult?

I'm using one of the computers to check my configurations

so it will be really accurate.

-Hmm. I hope it is for your sake.

Now, you'd best get out of here

or you will be late for your next class.

-Yes, Sir.

[Footsteps departing]

[Keyboard clacking, computer beeping]

[Computer beeps]

[Keyboard clacking]

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Computer beeps]

[Static]

-Okay, did you notice that when Coopersmith translates

the book with his Apple II, the date he gets

is February 20, 1535?

That's the date where it says "I, Esteban,

have signed the book of death

and touched the hand of my master Satan,

through the rite of the Black Mass."

Okay, and then in the very first scene of the movie,

we know Esteban is banished to "these savage lands,"

on Malibu Beach.

So some time shortly after 1535

they dumped the satanic monks and priests in California.

We didn't know this until this movie came out,

because the first Spanish mission in California

wasn't built in 1769

by Father Junipero Serra, in San Diego.

So Esteban was partying in Santa Barbara

two centuries before anybody noticed

that the Spanish were here.

And how do we know it was in Santa Barbara?

Because that marching band is the marching band of

Dos Pueblos High School in Goleta.

Go Chargers!

And by the way, during all those scenes

when the military academy bigwigs

are escorting Mrs. Caldwell through the property

so they can do exposition as to the whole backstory of Esteban,

do they ever explain why a priest who did Black Masses

would have his giant portrait hanging in the chapel?

I mean, the Catholics can be weird, but not that weird.

And is it common for a military academy

to hire an ex-Nazi soldier to teach Latin?

That's veteran character actor Hamilton Camp

doing the cheesy German accent.

And just one more question: do they play some special form

of soccer at this school?

The coach, played by another veteran character actor,

Claude Earl Jones, who we recently saw

playing the zombie reanimated police lieutenant

in "Bride of Re-Animator," the coach

says that he has to let Coopersmith play

because the rule is that every cadet

must play two out of the four quarters.

Soccer doesn't have quarters.

So this is some form of Malibu 16th-century

Kahlil Gibran soccer,

because we also had that, the quote

from Kahlil Gibran at the beginning.

Shouldn't it be a quote from either a Satanist or the Bible?

I mean, Kahlil Gibran?

The guy who wrote "The Prophet"?

That book that girls carry around in junior high

when they're trying to be spiritual?

The producer stuck that on the movie

because he said he wanted to lighten the mood

before the beheading, which, by the way,

when you do a beheading like that,

you need to not show that many frames

of the painted cabbage head you bought at Party City

on your way to the set that morning.

That's one of the worst special effects

ever featured on this show,

and man, have we featured a lot of bad ones.

So anyway, my point being, nothing about

Kahlil Gibran lightens the mood.

Kahlil Gibran just makes you go, "What?

I think he's a New Age Muslim or something.

I don't think Kahlil Gibran parties with Satan."

So all -- all of the above is,

God, reasons I love this movie.

Anyway, is Clint here yet?

Clint!

The great Clint Howard, ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to "The Last Drive-In."

-Well, I appreciate that.

You know, when you're an old battleship like me,

you know, you got a lot of barnacles.

Clint, I hope you're not Catholic.

[Laughter]

Because, if you were, you would be so screwed.

[Laughter]

-To be honest, Joe Bob, I would have been screwed

a long time before this movie was made.

-Alright. Well, you're an athlete, right?

You've played soccer?

-Actually, I was not much of a soccer player.

I was a baseball player, and later on in life,

I played golf, but baseball and basketball.

Okay. But you know the rules of soccer, right?

-Sort of. -Well, I ask because

There aren't four quarters in soccer, right?

[Laughter]

The coach says he has to play all the players

two out of four quarters in every match.

-Well, you got to understand, Job Bob, in this --

in this bizarre league, this -- this supernatural league.

They do, they break it down into quarters.

I don't know.

-Okay, well, you mentioned that you're more of a baseball guy.

I know you were the catcher on the "Happy Days" softball team

and I know that the pitcher was Henry Winkler.

So my question is, how was the Fonz's fastball?

-No, I'll you what.

Henry never played organized sports in his entire life.

He -- he grew up in Manhattan, and sports was just not

part of his lexicon.

-So, you guys made him the pitcher?

-Well, the team made him a pitcher because he was Fonz

and his center stage, and it was the one thing that he can do.

Henry could -- could underhand that ball in there,

and I noticed because I played a lot of baseball,

his pitch had a natural tail.

And it would look so good coming in,

but then it would get inside on right-handed hitters.

And Henry was a fabulous, like, mid-level softball pitcher.

Now he couldn't field.

He fielded like a girl and he hit like a girl,

but he pitched like the Fonz. [Laughter]

-Wow. -Oh, yeah.

-Man, the Fonz not able to hack it in the field.

I don't know how to feel about that.

-Here's the thing.

The producers are standing there just praying

that nobody hits the Fonz, because at that point,

we probably had our first $100 million actor out there

on the mound awfully close to home plate,

and Henry couldn't really field very well.

And there were a couple of times that guys would

rope one right up the middle,

and Henry would just flinch like that.

But you know what? No harm, no foul.

Henry is a beautiful, beautiful dude.

Henry and I immediately got along really good,

and I would be, "Come on, Henry. Right here, baby.

Right here, baby. Right here, baby!

I would slowly get -- get the pitch

to come in on these hitters, and all of these hitters,

they wanted to just hit the crap out of the Fonz, right?

So they're overswinging, and they're hitting

a lot of pop ups to Ralph Malph

and Richie Cunningham in the outfield.

[Laughter] -Alright, good work.

That's what a catcher's supposed to do.

Now, about "Evilspeak."

What kind of guy is Eric Weston, the writer/director?

-Eric was a great guy to work with and for.

First of all, Irv Goodnoff, the cinematography,

had a lot to do with "Evilspeak,"

both creatively and the look, the tone of the movie.

And I was -- I felt -- I was a young kid.

I was like 21 or 22 years old when we made this movie,

and Eric, as the director and Irv, as his confidant

and cinematographer, they brought me into the fold.

And it was really the three of us that were sort of

helping shape the movie.

Now, I was shaping it from the standpoint

that I was playing Stanley Coopersmith,

but you know, Eric, I don't know whether

he saw something in me or whether he needed the support.

I mean, listen. Making a movie is a team game.

When you're an actor, people don't realize it.

There is an entire team behind you,

from the wardrobe they give you to wear

to the props they let you play with,

to the other actors.

You're only as good as your team.

So what I really appreciated Eric for

was he established this sort of camaraderie

or this trilogy of creative people --

me, Irv and Eric.

And we worked through all the problems.

You also got to understand.

"Evilspeak" was a low budget little movie.

It might look pretty rich.

In certain instances, they did spend

money on stuff, but we were shooting really fast.

There's a day -- there was a day in that movie

I worked over 24 hours straight.

-Really? Is that even legal?

-Yes, it is, if they pay, and they pay.

-Okay. -Although, I'll tell you what.

They -- I'll say off the top, this was the first movie

that I ever worked on where I had a toupee.

-Really? -And I didn't start off

on a really good footing with Eric because,

first of all, they -- they hired me, which was great,

and they told me I had to buy my own toupee.

-What? How does that? [Laughter]

-Yeah, that's horse shit.

I mean, come on. You know?

So anyway, that and the toupee plays

in almost the entire movie.

Listen, I don't wear toupees anymore.

Obviously, I would need -- I would need full-on carpeting,

but the -- I can see, you know, I see the toupee.

-Okay. [Laughter]

Eric Weston was not really a horror guy.

I think this is his only horror film,

though I guess you weren't really

a horror guy then either, right?

He made up all the rules for how Esteban is gonna come back,

and also all the rules for how pigs are summoned by demons.

Could you understand all the rules?

-Um, no. No. No, I couldn't

First of all, I thought it was cool,

and I also, immediately, saw the prosthetic

head of the pig, which look really cool.

And the guy who made it was really proud,

and he was showing off how the teeth would work and everything.

Making a horror, you're looking for those startling moments,

and come on, a pig eating a woman in the shower,

that's a keeper in my book.

[Laughter]

-Alright. Well, good job so far.

We're already loving the character of Coopersmith.

When you first read this script though,

what did you think really?

-Should I do this? -That's kind of what I figured.

Is it a good image for me?

-Well, not so much an image for me.

Listen, I was born to be a character actor.

I mean, I was baylocking in "Star Trek"

when I was seven years old.

I played a Mexican in an episode of "The Virginian."

It was -- I had already...

I was the world's youngest character actor

for a long time, so I was more concerned about content.

I mean, down until he passed, he was always

my number one kind of guy, go-to guy

to talk about the business or talk about life.

-That's great. -And I --

I called Dad, and Dad had read the script.

And the script played really well on people.

It was a good script.

There was a good conflict between the kids,

and you know, it just played really well.

A guy named -- oh, God -- Garofalo was the --

was one of cinema-- was one of the screenwriters

that wrote the thing with Eric.

And so I felt like it worked pretty good,

but I asked Dad about it.

I said, Dad, this is, you know, he gets possessed

by the devil and he cuts off people's heads

and he causes a lot of mayhem and he survives at the end.

And what do you think?

You think this is morally the right thing to do?"

And Dad looked at me and said, "You know, son,

if you don't take the part, somebody else will."

And I've held that my entire life.

No matter how -- I've turned a few things down,

but, you know, I can't change things.

I'm just a guy playing a part, you know?

-Yeah. -I think a lot of times

in storytelling, it's important to go to the edge, you know?

Sometimes storytelling about is not about always good examples.

It can be about bad examples, too.

So, you know, but more than anything,

I wanted the job.

It was lead in a movie, and -- and I had been a kid actor,

and here I was striking out on my own.

-Right.

-And I -- I never forget, for about three weeks,

I was just playing big black boogers out of my noise.

-Wha-- What? [Laughter]

W-Why?

-Because back in those days, they didn't have

nearly the regulations they have now

about smoke on a set.

And the way they make really good smoke

is rubber cement.

I think don't think anybody in the world

would ever want anybody to stand next to burning rubber cement,

and for a couple of weeks, I was literally just,

you know, I was huffing it in.

-Whoa.

-There was another thing that's no longer legal

because they found it cause cancer,

and that was called Fuller's earth.

And Fuller's earth is a thing you put it into

a sanitary sock or, you know, and you dab it on you,

and then you can wet it and it makes instant mud

wherever you put it.

Or if you just want dust on somebody,

you just put Fuller's earth on them,

and I probably went through 10 or 15 pounds

of Fuller's earth on "Evilspeak" alone.

-Whoa, those are the occupational hazards of --

of acting that they really don't tell you about.

-So, you know, I don't know.

If [coughing] coughing or something, don't blame me.

-Alright, well, you were a total trouper,

we're gonna need your help at every break tonight,

but right now let's get back to "Evilspeak."

Roll the film.

And to give you some idea, the movie Eric Weston

did right before "Evilspeak" was a vehicle for Tim Conway

called "They Went That-A-Way & That-A-Way."

So, some range.

Slapstick criminal hijinks.

Demonology with pigs.

The man could do anything.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Door closes]

-What's the matter with you Cooperdick?

What's the matter, huh? [laughing] Come get your hat.

-Give me that. [Laughter]

-What's the matter with you?

-Oh.

-Hey! Why don't you guys leave 'em alone?

How would you like to follow his hat?

[Hat thuds]

[Grunting]

[Indistinct talking]

-Bring him in. -Get him inside.

Come on.

-Good afternoon, men. -Good afternoon, Sir.

-Jo Jo, I hope you men are ready for the game on Saturday.

-Yes, Sir. -And let's not forget the rally.

We want to have some good fun.

-We wouldn't miss it, Sir. -That's right, Sir.

-Coopersmith, where's your hat?

-I lost it. -Well, find it.

The good Lord doesn't want you out of uniform...

and neither do I.

Good day, men. -Good day, Sir.

-Good day, Reverend.

[Laughter]

[Water sprinkler running]

[Cabinet thuds]

-Good of you to come, Private.

Come inside.

And leave your books out here.

[Books thud]

[Door closes]

I'm disappointed in you, boy.

I could understand if you didn't have what it takes,

but your record shows you have an above average IQ,

and what concerns me is your inability

to get along with the others.

I'd be remiss in my duty if I didn't do all in my power

to see to it that you take every advantage

of what we have to offer here.

Now, I know you miss your folks, but you have to accept the fact

that they're gone and make the best of it.

We have a mission at this academy,

and that mission is to turn out young men for the military,

so from now on,

I'm going to keep a special eye on you.

I'm going to see to it personally

that you tow the line.

I'm going to make a good soldier out of you

or else know the reason why.

Now, what have you got to say to that, trooper?

Huh?

-Now, I'm a firm believer that words alone are useless,

so I'm going to make sure you remember our little chat

every time you sit down this week.

But don't worry,

you'll still be in there against John Paul Jones Academy.

Take the position, boy.

[Whip striking]

[Pigs oinking]

-Great job.

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

[Pigs grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Pigs grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Music escalates]

♪♪

♪♪

-Wait 'til he demonstrates this in front of the class.

This will teach that little queer a lesson.

I'm hungry.

-Just hurry up and finish it, please?

-Come on.

-Here comes Cooperdick.

-Come on. -Let's go.

-Come on.

[Door closes]

-Ew, that smell.

-Wow. -Pig shit.

-Whew!

[Laughter]

-Gentlemen, I have your passes.

All those going to town, report to the quadrangle

in five minutes.

Randerson, Baker, Caldwell...

♪♪

♪♪

-Damn.

[Items clattering]

Damn. Bastards took my book.

♪♪

♪♪

Alright, what you guys do with my book?

-What book are you talking about, Cooperdick?

-You know what book I'm talking about, Bubba.

-I don't know nothing about no book.

-Maybe you don't.

♪♪

But you guys broke my catapult.

You're gonna pay for that.

[Roller skates clacking]

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Bell tolling] -One, two, three, four,

One, two, three, four.

Your father was there when you left your right.

Your father was there when you left your right.

Your father was there when you left your right.

Your sister was there when you left your right.

Your preacher was there when you left your right...

[Military cadence continues]

-Yes, private, what would you like?

-You wouldn't happen to have seen a book

I might've left here the other day?

Would you?

-No, I haven't.

-I-It's really important to me.

-Will that be all?

-Yeah. Thanks.

[Door slams]

[Drawer slides open]

[Pig squealing]

-Hey.

You take one of my tools?

-No.

-Somebody took my crowbar.

-Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.

I'll keep an eye out for it.

I have to go.

Study hall.

-[Spits]

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

[Bell ringing]

♪♪

-That was the bell, private.

-Um, well just a few more minutes?

-Others are scheduled.

Out.

♪♪

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Button clicks]

♪♪

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Items clatter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

By the dreadful day of judgment.

[Fire hisses]

By the face of the divine majesty

and by the four beasts before the throne.

By the fire which is about the throne...

[Fire hisses]

I conjure and command thee,

oh, prince of darkness,

in the name of him who spake, and it was done.

Satan.

[Fire hisses]

Lucifer.

-Coopersmith.

[Computer beeping]

-Appear forthwith and show yourself to me.

♪♪

-Coopersmith.

♪♪

[Beeping continues]

♪♪

-Gotta have the unholy water, defiled host.

Shoot.

Gotta have it.

♪♪

-Coopersmith.

Coopersmith. -Yes, Sir!

[Crashes]

I'm sorry, Sir.

-Coopersmith, where in God's name do you come from?

-Well, I was right here, Sir.

-No, you weren't right there, because if you were right there,

I would've seen you.

-Now, why isn't this place cleaned up?

-It's a big job, Sir.

-I know it's a...big job, Coopersmith.

Look, it's getting late.

I think you should run along to the mess hall

and get something to eat

because they're just about finished serving supper.

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

[Spoon clanking]

[Knife thuds]

-Come on with me.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Steak sizzling]

How do you like your steak?

-Whatever it is now is fine.

-You don't look like you belong here.

You sure your mother and father didn't send you here

just to get you out of the way?

-My mom and dad were killed in an automobile accident.

-Should've told me sooner.

I would've given you an extra lump of mashed potatoes.

-[Laughs]

-That's better.

Finished?

-Almost.

[Jazz music playing on radio]

♪♪

-You want to see something?

♪♪

-Wow.

[Puppies squeaking]

Doesn't look like this little one's getting too much to eat.

Oh, aren't you gonna help it?

-There's nothing I can do that's gonna help him.

I tried everything.

-Can I have him?

What are you gonna do with him?

-Keep him.

Try to give him a chance.

-Why don't you let nature take its course.

-Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe this pup is better off not making it.

It's a tough world out there.

You gotta be able to kick and scratch if you wanna survive.

I found that out right after my parents died.

From what I can tell, like these other pups,

it's the ones that can do the most pushing and shoving

that get the biggest piece of the pie.

-I don't think he stands a chance,

but if you like him...

take him.

[Wood creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-This is your new home, boy.

It's a little stuffy, but it'll work out just fine.

You'll like it.

♪♪

This looks pretty good right here.

It's pretty sturdy. How you like it in there?

Feel alright?

Okay, well you gotta stay there. I gotta go to work.

I'm gonna put this right here.

Now, yell if you need anything. Stay here.

[Indistinct whispering]

♪♪

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

Consecrated host.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Panting]

[Puppy whines]

[Exhales sharply]

[Puppy whining]

♪♪

♪♪

By the four beasts before the throne.

By the fire which is about the throne...

[Fire hisses]

appear forthwith and show thyself to me

in beastly or in human form.

Come peaceably, visibly and without delay.

♪♪

By the dreadful day of judgment,

by the face of the unholy majesty,

I conjure and command thee prince of darkness.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, Satan.

♪♪

Oh, Lucifer appear forthwith and show thyself to me.

I, Stanley Coopersmith, command you.

♪♪

-[Groaning]

[Candle thuds]

♪♪

[Groaning, puppy whines]

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Candle slides]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

♪♪

[Howls]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

[Door slams]

[Groans]

♪♪

[Click]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

[Creatures groaning]

♪♪

[Howls]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Head thuds]

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Holy Christ.

I think we went too far this time, Bubba.

-Oh, he'll be all right. He's just cold cocked.

Jesus, did you see the look on his face.

-Wow. He's really out cold.

-I think he's coming to.

-Let's get out of here before Sarge catches us, okay?

-Fuck, Sarge. Let's get out of here.

[Laughter]

-Whoo!

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

Far fucking out.

♪♪

It works.

♪♪

♪♪

[Computer whirring]

♪♪

[Computer beeps]

[Static]

-Okay, so I have some more questions.

Coopersmith discovers this cobwebby series of rooms

and cabins underneath the church

that nobody has noticed for the past four centuries,

including Sarge, the drunk janitor

who lives down there, played by the immortal R.G. Armstrong,

veteran of umpteen jillion westerns.

And I'll get to R.G. in a minute,

but first the questions:

If you monkey around with the silver pentagram

attached to the front of the book,

like the Colonel's secretary does,

that causes a pig stampede?

I'm just asking 'cause that seems to be the case.

-It also broke her nail, I think,

which is worse than causing the Satanic stampede.

Why is Coopersmith being butt-whipped with a riding crop?

All the colonel says is that he's talking

about his dead parents too much

and he's not getting along with the jerkolas

who beat him up every day.

So, assume the position! For that?

-Shooting that on the day, he hit me pretty good,

Charles -- Charlie Tyner, the actor.

And that was a fun day.

That was a fun day, and it had nothing to do

with getting hit in the ass.

[Laughter]

-Why does everybody in the cast suddenly go to a skating rink?

And why is Luca Brasi,

who sleeps with the fishes, in this movie?

And why does he have puppies in the kitchen?

That's Lenny Montana.

He was pro wrestler, but he --

he also might have been a mobster.

Alright, Clint! Here's the question.

Is it easier to work with pigs or with Gentle Ben?

-Oh, the bear was a lot easier.

These were nasty pigs.

These were not trained pigs.

The bear was relatively the tame, gentle creature.

These pigs, they were nasty.

-Really? What about Lenny Montana?

Was he a scary guy?

-No, Lenny was a blast, you know?

And Lenny had been in "The Godfather."

So listen, anybody that had been in

"The Godfather" was okay with me.

The fact that they -- they got him to come down

and play the cook was pretty good.

And I don't know why he kept the puppy.

You know, he didn't want to feed them to anybody?

-Why does the colonel beat you with the riding crop?

What did you do?

-I don't know. He never came up to me and said, you know,

"I wacked your uncle, so be careful,"

or anything like that.

No, he seemed like a really nice guy.

-Maybe Eric Weston was just promoting this

for publicity reasons, but I did hear...

Was Lenny Montana really a hitman?

-I don't know. Do hitmen really look like Lenny Montana?

I mean, Lenny Montana was such a cliché mob-looking guy.

I would think hitmen would more --

look more like Dennis the Menace or something.

[Laughter]

-Well, they all do until, you know?

But talk about working with R.G. Armstrong.

-"There's my fucking crowbar."

[Laughter]

That was line of the movie.

You know, usually when you work on a movie,

somebody says something that gets repeated.

"There's my fucking crowbar."

We had the greatest day.

He was such a champ, and you know,

these are hard, hard days that we're working,

and he probably only worked four, five days on the movie

because they probably paid him a little more.

They brought him, they gotta shoot him

and get him out of there,

and all of that, he was game,

and he was way above the paygrade

at being guy that has his neck turned around and snapped.

And yet, a lot like my dad.

R.G. was one of those consummate character actor guys

that'd be willing to do anything,

willing to come up with any invention to make it work,

and we just -- R.G. --

-Yeah. -R.G. was a champ.

-I don't know if you know this, but they gave R.G. Armstrong

his choice of playing Colonel Kincaid,

the head of the academy who beats you with the crop,

or the drunken janitor.

So R.G. thought about it, and he went low.

-Oh, no. The Sarge was a lot better role.

-R.G. was supposedly the best friend

of Andy Griffith --

now, so you knew Andy Griffith, is that right?

-Well, when I -- when I worked on "The Andy Griffith Show,"

I was a little too young to know anybody but Mom --

I mean, I was two years old at the time.

-You were Leon, the younger brother of Opie?

-Well, I was Leon, I was just a townsperson in Mayberry.

And I would randomly come up and offer somebody

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

-All right. -That was my bit.

And the first time I was on "The Andy Griffith Show"

it had nothing to do with

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I was two, and, uh -- but then I did, like, five or six episodes,

and I did a couple of really funny bits with Barney,

where he would be in a position

where he didn't want to be seen or anything,

and I'd walk right up to him and hand him

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,

he'd have to go, "Not now, Leon!"

You know, so -- so -- but I did --

I got to know Andy really well

towards the end of his life --

in fact, um, I was sort of responsible for him working on

the last movie that he worked on, called "Play the Game,"

and Andy wanted to keep workin'.

I think Andy was gettin' kinda sick,

but he wanted to keep workin',

and -- and he -- he worked on this movie,

and, you know, I don't want to say "don't see it,"

because if you're a fan of Andy Griffith,

you know, y-you probably should,

but the last time you see Andy Griffith on film

is he's getting a hummer from Seinfeld's mother.

-Oh, my God!

Did I -- I -- I don't know what I just heard.

-Yeah, yeah -- "Play the Game," you might wanna check it out,

not you, Joe Bob, but I mean... -I'm sure everyone will now!

All right, back to R.G. Armstrong.

Um... [Laughing]

[Coughs]

R.G. Armstrong, um, did not give many interviews over the years,

but he once said that at some point in his life

he realized he had a lot of fury and hell and violence

inside him,

and so he kept asking for those parts,

even though he was outwardly one of the nicest guys in Hollywood.

I wish I'd met him because his very first movie,

in 1954, was "Garden of Eden,"

which was a notorious nudist-camp movie,

and then he was Dr. Baugh

in the original Broadway production

of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"

and he later replaced Burl Ives as Big Daddy

in that long run of the play.

Of course, we know him as Lewis Vendredi

on the "Friday the 13th" series.

Or Diehl in "Children of the Corn."

He did a whole lot of horror.

He did a whole lot of everything.

-Well, R.G. had a great face.

And also, R.G., a really strong actor,

you know, and -- and fury is a valuable tool a lot of times.

And listen, I -- R.G. was a sweet dude

when I was working with him.

I think I saw him one other time before,

one other time afterwards,

and we were -- it was very pleasant.

When you're making a movie, you've got to be able

to step on the gas and show emotion,

and R.G. can do that, and, you know, pretty organic.

I'll tell you, again, I'll have to say it one more time,

"There's my fuckin' crowbar!"

[Laughter]

-Well, at the time you made this movie

you were just 21 years old,

but today you have a resume

every bit as impressive as R.G. Armstrong.

You've become one of those guys!

All right, how would you describe your type?

-Earnest, unique face,

and not afraid to -- to show my emotions on my sleeve.

I've always -- I've always considered myself

somebody that, "Well, you might as well!"

You know? If it's time to kinda

go in a direction emotionally, you might as well do it.

-Do people make you audition for parts?

-Oh, yeah!

Oh, auditioning is something that I think --

I think it's an important part of an actor's life.

-Can't they just envision you

and know whether you're right for the role?

-I don't mind auditioning -- of course,

it's always fun when someone offers you a job.

I mean, you know, it's one of those things,

if somebody wants to offer you a job, great, I'll take it.

But I've been on the other side of the camera,

and... put it this way:

when you're having a Fourth of July barbecue,

you don't go down to the butcher shop and say,

"Get me some ribs out of the back!"

I think that the producers, if somebody wants to hire me,

they have every right in the world to...

to take a look at me, check out the goods,

I mean, basically, I'm --

I'm a piece of meat in the butcher shop.

-Well, you're bein' pretty modest --

it feels like most people in Hollywood

know what they're gettin' when they cast Clint Howard.

Well, what about you, Darcy?

Darcy is one of your biggest fans, Clint,

so how would you describe Clint's type?

-Oh, my God, talk about putting me on the spot!

[Laughter] I just -- I --

think what he said is accurate --

we love that we -- you keep your heart on your sleeve,

and your emotional vulnerability.

-Exactly, that -- that's the word

I was gonna use, too -- you bring a vulnerability

no matter your role.

-Joe, I'm generally pretty lazy.

Just in -- in all things.

To keep up a front,

to keep up a shield,

to me, it's too much work.

-Yeah. -Why not do the surprising thing

and tell people the friggin' truth?

You know? I mean, and if --

if the truth is on my sleeve--

if the truth is -- is, you know, uncomfortable,

or if the truth is -- is something

that isn't expected to come out of my mouth,

well, then that's all the better for me,

'cause I realized a long time ago, you know,

uniqueness is what sells, you know?

Cookie cutters, maybe in soap operas years ago,

you know, c-certainly I was never gonna compete with

John Travolta and, you know, who else,

whoever else, as far as leading man.

I w-- Kurt Russell or whatever.

No, I was gonna be Clint Howard,

the unique kind of character actor

and I might as well let that go completely,

and not guard my -- I -- I --

again, it comes back to being lazy --

I just -- it would -- too much trouble to guard myself.

-Well, you've done a good job of exposing yourself, Clint.

-Ho, hey, ho! Ho!

-All right, let's go back to the movie.

It's about to get gnarly.

Roll it.

Y'know, R.G. Armstrong was from North Carolina --

act-- actually Birmingham,

but he went to University of North Carolina Chapel Hill

and was part of the Carolina Playmakers,

which is the professional rep company at UNC,

that's where he met Andy Griffith,

and so he played rednecks a lot.

He was in "White Line Fever,"

"Race With the Devil," "White Lightning."

But, um, I wrote this down because this is amazing.

You know how on a weekly series

they will rarely cast a character actor

more than once in a guest role,

because, you know, you come on one week as the bouncer,

they don't want the audience to remember that

if you come on the next week as a cop.

So, R.G. -- R.G. Armstrong could transform himself

so successfully into a different character

that the directors didn't care, they knew he was a chameleon,

so listen to this -- he played

five different characters on "Gunsmoke,"

three different characters on "Bonanza,"

three different characters on "The Fugitive,"

four different characters on "Rawhide,"

three different characters on "Perry Mason."

I believe they call that...

acting.

♪♪

[Indistinct chatter]

-Hey, Stanley, where you been?

-More extra duty. Got garbage detail next.

-Oh. -You know?

-We're all heading out to the field

to get things fixed up for the rally tonight.

-I'll catch up with you later. -All right.

-Hey!

Don't you have to drill today?

Here, take this bag of bones for the pup.

Take it out of the arches.

Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Exhales]

Oh, how you doing, Freddy?

Got a little surprise for ya.

Yeah, from Jake's kitchen, some Jake bones.

How 'bout that?

Just like he promised ya.

Oh, you like that, huh?

Well, I gotta get one thing, and then I gotta go.

Enjoy!

Let's see, where is...

[Clattering, ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Papers rustling]

♪♪

-Who in the hell is in here?

Huh?!

♪♪

[Thud]

♪♪

-Eh, that was probably just Sarge.

Probably drunk again.

Yeah. You're a good dog.

You gotta be quiet so he can't year ya, all right?

All right? Well, here.

You like this, huh?

♪♪

-[Sighs] Cocksuckers.

[Exhales]

[Clunk]

[Whimpers]

-All right, you be a good boy and tomorrow

I'll take ya out and let ya get some fresh air, all right?

Now, you gotta be quiet, too.

♪♪

-What the hell are you doing down here?

What is this place?

-Well, I -- I was gonna tell ya about it.

-Tell me my ass!

There's my fuckin' crowbar!

You're the one that took it.

-No, no, I -- I borrowed it.

-And when I asked you, you lied to me.

What else have you lied to me about?

-That -- that's it.

-All you little bastards laugh at me.

Don't you think that I know that you make fun of me?

-I don't make fun of you! -[Puppy yelping]

-Jesus Christ, you gotta fuckin' dog down here, too!

[Puppy whimpering]

I had to bring him here.

I-I couldn't keep it in the dorms.

I had to bring it here.

-Yeah.

Why not here?

Sarge, the animal, lives in the cellar.

Why not a dog?

You lied to me.

You stole from me!

I'll show you.

-Please!

♪♪

-"Please."

♪♪

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Ominous choral music]

♪♪

-It's a good trick...

you little cocksucker.

♪♪

Now, I'm gonna show you...

I'm gonna show you

how I make a little boy

into a little girl.

You want to see that trick?

-Help! Help! [Rapid beeping]

-Ain't nobody gonna hear you! -Help!

-Ain't nobody gonna come to help you, neither!

[Rapid beeping]

[Grunting, straining]

♪♪

[Beeping]

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

[Gurgling]

♪♪

[Bones cracking]

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Beeps]

-Did you look for Sarge in his room?

-Yes, sir. He is not there.

-Well, he's probably gone off on one of his toots

to sleep it off somewhere -- he's done it before.

-Sir, I have got to talk to you about Coopersmith.

[Indistinct cheering]

-Coach, I recognize your problem,

but you have to understand that when it comes to sports,

the philosophy of the academy is to play everyone.

-Coopersmith, look at you!

Where the hell is your hat?!

-Sir...

-Private, your are an embarrassment to the school.

-Sir, I been in the cellar. -Look at him.

H-how the hell can I let him represent us on the field, sir?!

-At ease, Coopersmith.

Private Coopersmith has been cleaning out the cellar.

Coopersmith, get yourself cleaned up.

-Sir... -You are dismissed, private!

-And for Christ sake, go get yourself

straightened up, will ya?!

-You see what I mean, Sir?

Geez!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Voices whispering indistinctly]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Voices chanting in foreign language]

[Ominous choral music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Growls]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rapid beeping]

[Snarling, grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Light switch clicks]

♪♪

[Snarling, grunting]

-[Sighs]

♪♪

[Humming softly]

[Snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Snorting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Chorus singing and chanting in foreign language]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting]

-Okay, class, what have we learned

after seeing a herd of wild pigs do a home invasion

so they can devour the entire body of the babealicious

Miss Friedemeyer, played by Lynn Hancock.

Lynn Hancock was Miss Yakima 1970,

had a recurring role on the short-lived

"Nashville Palace" variety show,

and today teaches kickboxing

and puts out fitness videos from somewhere in Washington state.

But I'm sorry to see her go, aren't you, Clint?

-Eric had to cut a lot out of that scene.

You may think that you're really seeing a lot,

and actually, if you really look at it,

there's not that many frames of ac-- actual munching.

And, in fact, listen, like, Eric --

Eric had about a two-and-a-half-hour version

of this movie that I felt was better and was much gorier,

but it was not just the gore they had to cut out.

They had to cut out just things for time and stuff.

But the pigs, it got a lot nastier.

-So you're saying the movie was better with more pig eating?

-Oh, yeah -- well, more...

women -- pigs eating women-meat. -"Women meat"?

We're -- we're gonna need more details, Clint.

-I -- I don't want to get arrested.

-I know they dumped a lot of pig food into the bath tub --

uh -- uh, what are the pigs like?

That had to be nasty already.

-Wait -- it was a low-budget movie,

that was craft service.

[Laughter] Okay.

So, whatever was left on the table at the end of the day

went into the pig trough.

What we've learned, if I can sum it up,

is that if you use a knife to carve into a pentagram book

from the 16th century,

the pigs will be unleashed --

remember "Release the Kraken!"

This is "Release the Porkers!"

And once they have digested your carcass,

the book you attempted to deface will vanish into thin air.

These are the rules, as set down

by screenwriter/director Eric Weston.

And prior to that, we learned that if a drunk janitor

attempts to avenge his pilfered crowbar

by wringing the neck of a puppy,

an Apple II computer program

will recognize the servant of Satan

who is kicking the janitor in the nuts

and will emit electrical impulses

that will paralyze said janitor,

causing him to bleed out of his mouth

as his neck is cybertronically broken.

This Esteban guy --

played by Richard Moll, by the way,

the bailiff on "Night Court,"

has some serious computer power.

Which is what I wanna talk to you about next, Clint.

The computer stuff.

I saw an interview with Eric Weston

where he said the original script

was called "The Foundling,"

and it was about a guy who summons the devil

from an old Satanic book --

so Eric's improvement was to have you summon the devil

from a computer.

But his reasoning is what interests me.

He said, "Nobody knew what computers were.

It was before we had computers."

So, Clint, this was 1981, can that possibly be true?

-Did you see the thing?! Did you see the thing?!

The thing's giant, for crying out loud!

And it was all writ in DOS, I mean, it -- it --

In that regard, I gotta give Eric a lot of credit.

-Wasn't there a 1969 Kurt Russell movie for Disney

called "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes"?

-Yeah, but the computer in that movie

was the size of a couple of big football players.

-All right, good point,

it was the dawn of the personal computer,

in other words.

-The idea that Eric came up with,

that you could conjure up the devil or a demon

using a computer

was something -- first of all,

it blew past me when I first read the script,

I just though, "Okay, well, here's a device."

But it's a pretty interesting thought.

It's a pretty interesting thought,

and it -- you know, I know it's been done a couple of times,

there's a -- you know, a lot of --

there's a lot of, uh, evil spirit kinda movies,

you can travel through the Internet, stuff like that.

I knew we were gonna do better than "Tron."

[Laughter]

I knew that, no matter what, as long as I --

I think I may even have mentioned that to Eric,

one time, when we were making the movie,

before I saw any of the computer graphics,

I said, "Please, Eric, it's gotta be better than 'Tron'."

-When I first saw the movie I thought it was just

cheesy, cheap special effects,

but the computer screen of the Apple II,

I found out later, really did look like that, didn't it?

-You know, they did a really darn fine job

sort of giving it -- giving it life.

-What -- what was your relationship with Don Stark,

who played Bubba, the chief bully?

-Well, Don was very method,

and we did not talk at all when we were workin' on the movie.

He treated me like, uh, like -- like nothing.

And I was too intimidated to go up and talk to him,

and the couple of times that I may have come up and said "Hi,"

he just blew me off.

I don't think he came out and said it,

but I could tell he was being "Bubba" to me all the time.

He didn't want to be friendly to me

and then -- and then have to go and do a scene where,

you know, they pull my pants off or something like that.

-You were okay with that, though, right?

-Oh, sure, sure, listen,

whatever an actor's process is, I'm willin' to go with it.

I'm not that way.

I get -- I get really serious and concentrate

when we really get into a moment.

But just when we're at lunch or somethin' like that,

you know it's break time, and it's time to screw around.

-Don would, of course, go on to play

Bob Pinciotti in 200 episodes of "That '70s Show."

Everybody in this movie went on to long careers,

except the guy who was already famous!

Haywood Nelson!

Who plays Kowalski, the only cadet who likes you.

Did you ever see him again?

-Yes, he was -- he had been in a TV series.

And -- but he had told me he was getting ready to get out.

-Did you ever see him again?

-No.

-He was famous from the show "What's Happening!!"

-"Hey, hey, hey, hey!" I think that's what it was.

-Yeah! Playing Dwayne.

He had been a child actor for years, just like yourself,

but he went into the business side of entertainment, I think.

-It happens a lot where people just don't really have

an appetite for it.

You gotta have -- you gotta have a pretty thick skin,

a-and you also need to be prepared for rejection.

And, you know, again, the business is not for everybody.

I've known several people that I knew as juveniles

that said it at the time,

when they were -- when they hit 18,

they were gonna stop acting.

And so, you know, my --

I liked acting.

And I dunno, maybe I just, you know,

bein' in an acting family, and -- and the way Mom and Dad,

you know, raised us, it was sorta like,

"Well, this is too good to be true,

so let's just keep on doin' it."

-Okay, well, I'm dying to talk about your big emotional scenes,

so let's get back to the movie.

Roll the film.

I had a computer in the '70s called a Lanier.

Nobody remembers -- does anybody remember this?

The Lanier No Problem.

All it did was word processing

but I thought it was the coolest thing,

because I was so sick of typewriters.

You know, Eric Weston points out that this movie was written on

an IBM Selectric, you know?

I hated the IBM Selectric!

But there was an even worse one called the Underwood Upright,

which is what they made you use when you worked at a newspaper.

And the day I got my Lanier No Problem,

I threw my Underwood Upright out a third-story window

just to get the satisfaction of seeing it

shatter into two dozen pieces on the sidewalk.

So -- then a couple of years ago I'm at this event in Brooklyn,

at a combination screening room/coffeehouse kinda deal,

and people are in there using Underwood Uprights!

What is that?!

What's wrong with you people?!

Underwood Uprights that they bought online

for, like, 200 bucks because they're vintage or someth--

Why stop there?

Why not just use a quill fucking pen?!

[Panting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ominous, indistinct whispering and chanting]

-Hey, Coopersmith!

You all right?

Where you been?

Look, the judging's about to begin.

Come on.

-Oh, yeah.

-Let's go.

♪♪

-So, will the next Miss Heavy Artillery

be Miss Patty?

[Fanfare, applause]

♪♪

Hold it! Hold it down.

Come on, now.

Will it be Miss Baker?

[Cheering and applause]

♪♪

Or, will it be Miss Gallagher?

[Cheering and applause]

♪♪

[Cheering and applause continue]

♪♪

I think it's pretty obvious, don't you?

And I think that we can safely say

that the next Miss Heavy Artillery

is...

Miss Baker!

[Cheering and applause]

♪♪

[Indistinct]

[Cheering and applause continue]

♪♪

♪♪

Now, I want you to do a good job on old John Paul Jones,

and tomorrow, I want you to do the same thing to Navy!

[Cheering and applause]

[Band playing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct shouts and cheering]

[Band playing, woman giggling]

♪♪

-M-miss Kelly?

-You want something?

-I just wanted t-to say...

Well, t-to tell you...

I-I'm sorry.

I thought you were the best...

O-out there...

I-I thought you should've won.

-[Chuckles]

-No, no, really!

I thought you should've won!

-You really mean that, don't you?

-I do. I-I do.

♪♪

-Well, well, well.

Look what we've got here.

Our ace soccer player.

Getting high, Cooperdick?

-Hey, leave him alone, Bubba.

-Sure, I'll leave him alone,

but I'm benching you for smoking dope.

[Laughing]

-You can't do that!

Th-the coach says everybody gets to play!

Th-that's what sports are for, to make us well-rounded!

-I'll make you well-rounded Cooperdick.

-If you guys try anything, you're gonna be sorry!

-Oh, yeah?

Let's see how it looks without the pants.

-You guys, leave him alone!

-Shut up! -Cut it out!

I'm gonna -- you guys are gonna pay for this!

-Hey, Cooperdick, you're gonna pay for this!

You think that we're gonna lose this game because of you,

you got another thing coming.

You so much as show your face,

and I will bust you in half!

-I'm gonna play!

You can't stop me. I'll go to the Colonel!

-You do that, Cooperdick.

You do that,

and it's your funeral --

and your little dog.

I know he's down there in the cellar somewhere.

-And I'm gonna make sausage out of him, Cooperdick!

[Mimicking dog yelping]

-You guys touch my dog,

God help me, you're gonna get it!

♪♪

♪♪

-Coopersmith!

What is the meaning of this?

This is the last straw, private.

Not only are you not going to play in the game tomorrow,

but as of now, you are off the team.

[Laughter, shushing]

-Shh!

[Laughter]

-Hey, where you going? Where you going?

-Shhh! Where the hell does it look like I'm going?

-Well, what if Sarge shows up?

-Where the hell you been, man?

Sarge went over the hill.

-Okay, party time tonight.

[Band playing outdoors]

-[Clears throat, chuckles]

Oh, God, what's with the dry hump routine?

-It's not gonna be dry for long.

[Barking]

-What's that?

-Um, it's a rat.

The cellar's loaded with rats.

-Since when do rats bark?

[Both laughing]

♪♪

Hey?

Cut it out, Bubba!

[Barking] Shh!

It's coming from over in there.

[Howl echoes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

-Oh, man, check this out!

-[Screaming] Welcome!

To the kingdom of evil!

[Laughing]

There's no turning back once the gates of hell are closed!

Not bad, huh?

-Hey, how about a little less talk and a little more beer?

-Beer? Here ya go.

-Yeah, give her a beer. -Hey, save one of those for me.

-What is all this?

-Looks like black magic.

-Let's have a black mass and invite the devil.

[Laughing] -Hey, come take a look at this.

It's in Latin.

-Hey man, you can't even read English.

Let me look at that.

Whoa! [Laughter]

You're all right. You're all right.

Let me look at this.

-Wow! Check this out.

Look out.

[Beeping, dog yelping]

-Look what I found.

-What?

-Isn't it cute?

-What is it? -Aww!

-That must be the devil's dog.

Devil's dog? Well, I sure am hungry!

-Stop it! -Hey, hey!

You're always hungry. Yeah!

Hey, look at that.

That must be Coopersmith's dog.

-Bubba! Stop it.

-Sweet little thing.

-Well, let's have another look at this computer.

Holy shit.

This is weird.

Watch this.

Hocus pocus, Satan!

[Laughing] Come out wherever you are.

♪♪

[Beeping]

Look man, this thing says that we need a consecrated host.

Why don't you make yourself useful and go get me one,

all right? -I'm not gonna commit no sacrilege, Bubba.

♪♪

-Oh-ho-ho, the hell with you guys.

-Ever cast a spell before, Bubba?

[Laughs, yells]

-Or is this your first time?

-Well, you see...

that we need to sacrifice to the devil.

See, we need a little virgin blood.

I guess that leaves you out, kid.

[Chuckles]

-Well, how would you know, hot shot?

-Ooh.

♪♪

Well, I guess we're gonna have to have an animal sacrifice.

-Stop kidding around, Bubba!

-Do I look like I'm kidding to you?!

Give me that knife. -What're you gonna do with it?

-Just give me the knife! -Stop him, Ox!

-Warned Cooperdick.

-That's enough, Bubba! -Get!

-shut up!

Bubba knows what he's doing, right, Bubba?

-Don't, Bubba!

-[Whispering] Kill, kill, kill, kill.

Kill, kill, kill, kill.

Kill, kill, kill, kill.

Kill, kill!

-Do it! Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill!

Kill, kill, kill, kill! -Do it!

-Kill, kill, kill, kill. -Do it, Goddamn it!

[Screams]

[Beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Beeping]

-Clint, they killed your puppy!

-Fred... We were a team!

We were a team, Fred!

-Isn't there some unwritten rule in the movies

that you don't kill dogs?

-I don't think so.

Didn't they kill Old Yeller?

They didn't gut him like a fish.

They gutted Fred like a fish!

Of course I'm gonna get possessed and kill all

the motherfuckers!

-Okay. -They killed Fred!

I'll tell you what, it --

Joe Bob, that was a scene I did not have to rehearse.

-Really? -I -- in fact,

it -- I -- and I'm not gonna allow myself to do it here,

but I could cry right now thinkin' about Fred.

-Really?!

-Yeah, yeah -- and, in fact,

you know, sometimes -- listen,

I always try to be organic with emotion.

Um, there's a couple of instances in my life

where I have been in a scene that has drawn

so much emotion organically,

that I have used it later on in my career.

There's been times in my career as an adult,

if I've needed to cry and I'm not quite feelin' it,

I'll think about that scene from "Evilspeak."

You know, the little dog didn't deserve it.

-Wow. Clint, why do the bullies

keep going down into the church basement?

Isn't that your secret place?!

-I -- I dunno, maybe I had a beer tap down there,

I don't know, I -- they -- well, listen, they were drunk,

they make bad decisions -- kids make bad decisions

when they drink, for cryin' out loud!

"Don't go that way! Don't open the door!"

Of course they're going to their death,

but at least they had a six pack.

-Also, are you surprised that this movie became

one of the Video Nasties --

the banned movies in England?

-Oh, you know by that point...

I just get a big chuckle outta that.

-It doesn't seem nasty enough to me.

M-maybe it's all the beheadings.

Or just the fact that it's church-related,

anti-religion.

-They had to edit a lot, you know,

the -- the MPAA was gonna originally give it

an X rating.

And they had to go back,

'cause they couldn't release it as an X-rated film.

They had to go back and -- and take quite a bit out.

In fact, R.G. Armstrong, when he pulls

Bubba's heart out of his -- out of his chest,

um, i-it -- like, Spielberg did it,

and, um, oh, what was the -- his movie with Harrison Ford?

"Indiana Jones" -- they do it in "Indiana Jones"!

And they show the whole thing.

And -- but they complained about "Evilspeak,"

they had to cut -- they could only show

a certain amount of frames.

-I guess when you're Spielberg,

they let you show as much heart as you want.

I almost forgot to ask you earlier --

why did you have to wear a toupee in the movie?

-Oh! I was bald!

[Laughter]

I st-- I -- by the time I was 18 I could get into casinos.

I'd slick my hair back; I was --

I was losing my hair when I was 16 or 17 years old.

-When did you stop using toupees and just say,

"Here I am, Clint Howard!"

-[Sighs]

I used a toupee on "Night Shift."

-Which was when, 198--?

-'82, '83.

I probably --

Well, I'll tell you what, technically I used a toupee

on a movie that I did called "Planet Ibsen,"

but I had a full head of hair.

I mean, the character needed to have a full head of hair.

For a little while I had a toupee,

I wouldn't wear it in public,

but I would wear it for opportunities --

auditions and stuff,

and it was just a little tiny patch,

you know, it wasn't -- -Right.

-I mean, it's sad,

but, I mean, I had it for a long time.

But my "Evilspeak" toupee was only about this big.

And, I mean,

now I'd have to have one, you know, like this big.

[Laughs]

-All right, Clint, I want you to stay with us

for one more segment because this would not be complete

if I couldn't ask you about this fire-filled,

effects-filled, pig-filled finale.

-It's a biggie! It's a biggie!

-All right, roll the film.

Most military academies --

this is a little known fact --

really do have a bikini pageant called Miss Heavy Artillery.

What's really funny, if you talk to the actors

who were involved in this movie, most of them say,

"I had no idea what to think about it.

I just did my part and assumed it would make sense later."

And it sort of does.

Anyway.

Miss Heavy A -- Heavy Artillery

is not to be confused with Miss Custom Body,

which we had at the World Drive-In Movie Festival

and Custom Car Rally in Dallas.

Two years in a row we picked Miss Custom Body,

and whoever won Miss Custom Body

did not show up with her custom body.

Like, the pageant was one day and the award was the next day,

and they would decide they didn't wanna be

Miss Custom Body, after all.

So, I have no idea why.

I suck at beauty pageants.

♪♪

[Bell tolling]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Fred?

♪♪

♪♪

Fred?

♪♪

♪♪

Fred?!

[Ragged breath] Fred?!

[Panting]

♪♪

-Good morning!

All right, all right, all right.

[Whistle toots] Let me have your attention now.

Come on. Hey, uh...

[Toilet flushes]

Where's Coopersmith?

-[Laughing] Maybe he got the message!

-Keep your mouth shut.

-What message?

-We were a team, Fred!

We were a team!

♪♪

♪♪

-Well, if he's, uh, AWOL, he'll be punished.

Now...

I want all of you guys down at the chapel in 10 minutes!

Out of here! Let's go!

[Indistinct shouting and whooping]

-What message?

-Arf, arf.

[Ox laughs]

[Imitates dog barking]

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Pulsing, ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Choral chanting]

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Explosion]

♪♪

[Warbling]

♪♪

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

-Jake, have you seen Coopersmith?

I've been looking all over for him.

-Hey!

Anything wrong?

-Yeah, maybe.

[Door opens, closes]

-[Singing in Latin]

[Lid clatters]

-Coopersmith?

[Footsteps receding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Bubba! Bubba?

-Yeah, we're gonna win tonight!

[Indistinct chatter]

-Get your hats.

[Indistinct chatter]

♪♪

-Coopersmith?

♪♪

[Low whisper]

♪♪

[Rustling] Coopersmith?

♪♪

Coopersmith?

[Muttering]

♪♪

Coopersmith?

♪♪

♪♪

[Urgent stage-whisper] Coopersmith!

♪♪

[Keys clacking]

♪♪

[Low moan]

[Beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

♪♪

-Coopersmith!

What the devil do you think you're doing?!

I am putting you on report!

[Beeping, music crescendo]

♪♪

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God!

[Screaming]

♪♪

-Before you go out to play the game of your lives,

little soldiers,

I want to talk to you about another game...

the game of life.

I know a lot of you soccer jocks think it's okay to go out there

and try to pull one over on the referee when he's not watching,

but I'm here to tell you that nobody...

I mean nobody

pulls anything over on the "Head Referee"

in the big game.

And that's what really is important.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Shudders]

[Chorus chanting]

♪♪

Satan!

[Beeping]

Satan!

♪♪

Satan!

[Cracking, explosion]

♪♪

-Guys, each time you go to the trough of sin

with gluttony and lust, like pigs,

you're being coached by Satan.

And if you care to check the standings,

he's got a losing record.

-I command you, prince of evil, heed my call.

Give life to the instruments of my retribution.

[Beeping, warbling]

♪♪

[Ominous choral music]

♪♪

♪♪

Imbue these creatures with your strength and force.

Let them avenge me,

and I will pledge my soul to you

and serve you for all eternity.

-So when the big Score Keeper,

you know, the Guy up there...

when he adds up the ledger between good and evil...

you, uh...you better be on the winning side of this,

or just...

or there will be hell to pay.

♪♪

[Dripping]

♪♪

[Faint heartbeat]

♪♪

[Low choral music intensifies]

♪♪

[Scattered gasps]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Warbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-Coopersmith! Coopersmith!

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Screaming]

[Squealing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Help me! Get away from --

[Snorting]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Sobbing]

[Crash, screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting, munching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Pounding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

-[Shuddering]

♪♪

[Snorting, grunting, squealing]

-[Gasping, panting]

[Squealing, screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Grunting, snorting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Coughing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bubba screaming]

♪♪

[Heartbeat]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crashes]

[Choral chanting concludes]

♪♪

[Heartbeat]

[Beeping, warbling]

[Beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Chorus chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Clint! I have never seen a more obvious set-up for a sequel.

The movie made 10 million bucks on an investment of one million.

What happened?

-The rights of the movie --

from my understanding that I developed with Eric,

I mean, 'cause I think he tried a little bit,

is the rights got tied up;

the ownership of the movie got tied up.

So, when you make a movie, you have to own it.

You know, and Sylvio Tabet was, I think, Syrian,

um, and he sold it over in the Middle East,

and so the question of Lebanese --

I think there was -- no, Sylvio was Lebanese.

Um, but there -- the question of ownership became a thing,

and, you know, a bank can't fund a movie

that they can't guarantee it's theirs.

Eric and I, years ago,

talked about trying to figure out a way to -- to do it,

update it -- we have to have a new Stanley Coopersmith,

and I can be -- I can be -- play my age and play myself,

that's one thing I feel like, in horror movies,

um, I could be Stanley Coopersmith

as a 55-year-old guy.

You know? But to be the center of a horror movie at 55,

I just think is -- is not good.

-I disagree.

If George C. Scott could pull it off

in his later years, I think you could too.

So, um, anyway, the death of the Latin teacher.

You throw him straight up and impale him

on some kind of chandelier torture device?

-That was my idea, actually, on the set.

-Really? -Yeah, they had not --

they had a lame way of killing him,

and I said, listen, if we can buy the fact that

I am now becoming possessed,

with super-human strength,

let's do something.

And we saw these chandeliers,

they were hanging all over the place,

it wasn't just one,

and -- and the -- the stunt man

was able to rig it up after that, during lunch break.

So it didn't cost us a lot of time,

and I know it doesn't look the greatest,

but it was something I -- I voted for that!

-Using your demonic powers,

you impale him in reverse of how gravity would dictate

you impale somebody.

-"Coopersmith, what in the devil do you think you're doing?!"

-Speaking of which,

how do the doors to the church get locked?

Did Satan lock the doors?

-Yeah, oh, Satan's got the padlocks from hell.

-Why do you become pig faced?

-I -- you mean, in the transition?

-Yeah, there's a transition where there's a --

there's a pig face and then there's your face.

-There was a sale on pigs in hell, I don't know!

I -- it was a -- they had built this --

they had built the mask, and the mask actually

didn't look all that pig-like,

it comes off looking pig-like on film,

but when we did this effect,

and we did it with mirrors,

and we were all in the same room together, doing it with mirrors,

it was really old-school that Irv had come up with.

He was sitting over here,

and the -- the camera was shooting through a 60% mirror,

and they turned up the light, and they lit him --

it was all pretty tricky, but it was pretty fun --

now it would just be done CG.

-Right. -And they had a little snake.

They spent more time trying to get this little snake

to come out of the mouth of the pig.

I don't know whether you even see it on film,

but there's a little -- there's a little tiny snake,

it was probably a wasted bit,

and they, you know, had to have a snake herder

or whatever you call 'em.

-And maybe the most famous image

is when you're floating through the church.

Was that uncomfortable?

How did they do that?

-That was one of the -- that was the day that was

more than 24 hours long.

And they would -- they hooked me into the harness for...

oh, I dunno, you know, an hour at a time to do setups.

And, um, yes, it w-- it was Christopher Reeves's harness

from the original "Superman."

And it was just -- it was old school,

it was leather with bolts and wires.

And actually, outside of pinching a little bit,

I remember, you know, not being on my feet was pleasant.

So that was pretty good.

The -- the one thing about that final "Evilspeak" scene,

when I -- when I kill the colonel,

the heads are made out of plaster of Paris, you know,

and they -- and these effects guys take pride in

having everything really cool,

and the -- that was the first head splitting, was Kincaid.

And I have the sword, and I raise it over my head,

and I bang it down on the -- the puppet, y'know,

and it -- the sword just bounced off the -- the --

plaster of Paris -- really embarrassing for me,

because I'm, you know, consider myself kind of an athlete,

and the crew laughed, you know --

"Oh, I can't break the skull,"

so I saw there was a sledgehammer

over behind the camera,

and I grabbed that sledgehammer and I swung it a few times,

and in the scene that's in the film,

I split his head, just goes, "Pshh!"

Well, that was fully prepped --

it was like swinging a weighted bat in the on-deck circle.

-Most people who see this movie don't realize that

you really did destroy a real church.

-It was sort of sad.

We were shooting, uh,

where the 105 freeway was gonna get built,

through central Los Angeles -- it wasn't a great part of town;

in fact, our security guards that day had shotguns.

-Whoa! -We worked two days down at this church.

And this church was condemned and was going to be torn down,

and the producers found out about it, and they said,

"Wait, before ya tear it down, can we burn it?!"

You know, so they went in there

and fixed it up to make it look pretty good,

now, it was all show business fixing-up,

nothing was real, you know,

but they made it look good.

Well, the old minister,

who had been there for years and years and years

at this church, he came by and saw the building,

he dropped down on his knees, and he said, "Praise the Lord!

My church has been repaired!"

And nobody had --

He's an old Black guy -- nobody had the heart to tell him,

"Well, yeah, you know, we repaired it,

we're gonna burn it down tomorrow night."

-Oh, no, that poor guy.

-And I'll tell you what, it was quite --

it was quite the shot when they burned it to the ground,

'cause they had multiple cameras going,

they had cameras -- now, they -- this is not videotape,

so you -- it's not like the -- anything was being fed --

somebody had to go in there and grab those cameras

and pull them out after all the fire.

I mean, that fire engulfed the entire building.

And it was -- I mean, I was not inside the building,

and of course, when the big cross fell -- boom! --

-Yeah -- -But that's all live.

That's all -- that really happened.

And you -- that -- again, that was one of the t--

that was the day that was over 24 hours.

-Right. -And, um, I -- you know,

I think I made $2,000 on overtime that day.

-Wow. -I was just making scale.

I mean, it was a phenomenal amount,

I was really happy for it.

-Okay, well, Clint, thank you for being with us,

you can come back any time.

Way back when you were on my old show, you know,

with "Ice Cream Man" -- Darcy's favorite film.

-You know, that was filmed on the soundstage

that "The Andy Griffith Show" was shot at.

-Really? That's what we were using?

-Yeah -- when I drove up,

because you guys provided a car for me,

the car came and picked me up and drove me,

and I didn't know where it was,

and the next thing I knew,

I was driving onto the Desilu lot.

-Right there by the Burbank airport.

I remember.

-A-and we drove in there, and I go,

"My God, this is kismet here, this is weird."

And not only was it on the same soundstage --

I mean, it was on the same lot, it was on the same soundstage.

Now, you guys had your -- your little kitchen set up

on the opposite side from where

"The Andy Griffith Show" had theirs set.

But that's a weird one.

-Well, you know, Clint, on my original show,

"Joe Bob's Drive-In Theater,"

we were building our set and realized that

the flats we were using on that

were "The Honeymooners" flats in the old DuMont Studios,

so we've used "The Honeymooners" stage

and the "Andy Griffith" stage.

-You're part of the Hollywood lexicon,

and that means you're getting close to being

an old dinosaur barnacle like me.

-Oh, I've been that for a while now, Clint.

Well, we'll have to have you back

for one of your other movies,

maybe do "Ice Cream Man" again,

I don't think we'll be showing "The Red Pony,"

but there are lots more to choose from.

Two hundred and fifty roles to choose from!

-And don't forget "Ticks"!

-How could I forget "Ticks"?!

-The insect, not the mammary gland.

-Okay, thank you, Clint!

-Well, I'm glad to be on, it's great,

thanks for showing "Evilspeak."

-Most of the exteriors of "Evilspeak"

were filmed at the Santa Barbara Mission,

which runs a Catholic high school

that was having a bad spell at the time,

so they were grateful for the money.

The basement and dungeon area of the church

was a set they built in a warehouse

in Chatsworth, California.

And I neglected to mention that the great Charles Tyner

as the colonel -- always played nasty guys.

The movie was censored so many times,

and so many cuts were demanded by the MPAA,

that there are infinite versions of it.

As Eric Weston put it,

"More cuts than a deli meat counter."

And I think we're showing the version that ended up

in the Blu-ray release.

And it was one of the favorite movies of Anton LaVey,

founder of the Church of Satan.

They do not put that in the publicity materials.

And Eric Weston would go on to direct many more movies,

of every genre you can imagine, "Marvin and Tige,"

John Cassavetes and Billy Dee Williams movie;

"The Iron Triangle," Vietnam pic with Beau Bridges,

"Pressure Point" -- Michael Madsen;

"Cover Story" with Elizabeth Berkley

and Jason Priestley,

"Hitters" with Robert Davi and Costas Mandylor,

"The Dukes,"

Robert Davi, Chazz Palminteri, Peter Bogdanovich is in that;

"Hyenas" -- actually that's another horror movie he made;

I said he didn't make another horror movie --

he made one more, about shape shifters;

"The Prometheus Project,"

"The Encore of Tony Duran" with Elliott Gould.

Eric Weston cannot be described.

But, Eric, we're waiting on the sequel to "Evilspeak."

Darcy! Oh, wow!

Or I should say Miss Heavy Artillery.

Good job.

Clint Howard was as awesome as you said he'd be.

-Oh, my God, he's just amazing.

-You can't have enough Clint Howard.

Thoughts on "Evilspeak"?

-Clint is so frickin' adorable in this movie,

and it should automatic get an extra star

for showing Clint Howard Booty.

-We saw Clint Howard's booty?!

-Oh, yeah, we did.

-Well, it already got four stars,

I can't go any higher than that.

-That actually reminds me, some fans suggested that you add

another "B" to your three B's.

-I already did, i-in the drive-in totals.

I added "bewtocks."

I noted the eight bewtocks in the shower scene.

-You did, but they want you to put it in

the official Drive-In Oath.

-Like bro-- Blood, Breasts, Beasts and Bewtocks?

They want that in the Drive-In Oath?

-Or -- -Might mess up John Brennan's song.

-Or Booty. The fourth "B" could be booty.

-Fourth -- okay, so it would be like...

it would be like 1954,

when they officially changed

the words of the Pledge of Allegiance.

They, I mean, it would -- -Exactly.

-It would be that big of a step. -It would.

-You know, I -- I don't want the Drive-In Oath

becoming all about sex, though.

-It's up to you.

I'm just telling you there are a few people out there

who would like to see a fourth B.

-All right, I -- if I keep adding B's

we'll have to put in boners. -Yeah, we should!

-But you liked the movie?

-All except the doggie part,

that one's really hard to watch.

If I was Clint, I'd go all John Wick on my classmates too.

-All right, well, the motion, uh -- um...

the motion to change the Drive-In Oath

is going to the Drive-In Oath committee.

And so, we'll -- we'll take that under advisement.

-Who's on the committee? -I see you have some mail

for me? -Who's on the committee?

-We don't have time right now to list all the members

of the Drive-In Oath committee. -Okie-dokie.

-I see you have some mail. -Yes, I do.

This one was actually a direct message to me on Twitter,

from Michael Haines of Lebanon, Pennsylvania.

-This was on Twitter? -Mm-hmm.

-Okay: "During one of my family's trips

from New Hampshire to Pennsylvania,

we stopped at a motel showing The Movie Channel.

My father and I saw someone introducing a movie,

and my father thought what the host said

to be amusing and humorous.

This was how I first encountered Joe Bob Briggs."

The Movie Channel is a long time ago.

Did they have motels back then?

"Later, I was excited to see him on 'Monstervision.'

I became excited when I recognized Joe Bob Briggs

when watching 'Casino'.

I missed the experience of 'Monstervision'

and was excited to see Joe Bob

appearing on 'Cinemassacre' for an interview."

That was just two years ago when I was on 'Cinemassacre.'

"I had first started using Shudder when it was in beta.

It was around the time Dario Argento

was trying to raise funds for 'The Sandman'

and I was introduced to Fandor.

What drew me to Shudder was access to Argento's work

and giallo films.

Later, after I returned to Shudder...

there it was, an announcement of 'The Last Drive-In'.

I was excited but also sad that it was ending.

So I was thrilled to see that

it was going to continue as a weekly series.

My family is dead and I am in Pennsylvania now,

and the show has been something that has been a bright spot

while horrible things have been occurring.

I now sort of plan my week around it.

One of the things I look forward to most

is Joe Bob's jokes at the end of each segment."

Well, gosh, Michael, I'm sorry to hear that --

is this a fr-- this is a friend of yours?

-We've talked on Twitter a couple times.

-Okay, well when someone asks me to tell a joke --

this happens quite a bit --

I have to decide whether it's a short-joke person

or a long-j-joke person.

So what do you think?

-I think he's definitely a long-joke person.

-Okay, I'll tell a long joke tonight.

But, uh, stay with us for "Day of the Beast,"

our second Satanic classic of the evening.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

reminding you that every path you take

has a few puddles.

The drive-in will never die.

Okay, this joke is dedicated to you, Michael.

Don't try this one at home.

One day Farmer Jones walks into town

to pick up supplies for his farm.

Stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket

and an anvil.

And then he stops by the livestock dealer

to buy a couple of chickens, and a goose.

Now Farmer Jones has a problem.

How can he carry home a bucket,

an anvil, two chickens and a goose?

Livestock dealer says, "It's easy.

You just put the anvil in the bucket,

carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each armpit,

and carry the goose in your other hand."

Farmer Jones says, "Thanks! You're right!"

So, anvil in the bucket, bucket in one hand,

chicken under each arm, goose in the other hand.

So, on the way home,

Farmer Jones encounters a beautiful woman.

Beautiful woman tells him she's lost,

but she needs to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane.

The Farmer says, "Well, as a matter of fact,

I have to stop at my brother's house at 1516 Mockingbird Lane.

So come on, we can take a shortcut down this alley.

We'll save half the time to get there."

Beautiful woman says, "I don't know about

going down that alley.

How do I know you won't hold me up against the wall,

pull down my skirt, and ravish me?"

And the Farmer says, "Well, look at me, I'm carrying a bucket

with an anvil in it, two chickens and a goose.

How could I possibly hold you up against the wall?"

Beautiful woman says, "Set the goose down,

put the bucket over the goose,

put the anvil on top of the bucket,

and I'll hold the chickens."

[Laughter]

-I think he was a short-joke person.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Slow beat]

-♪ You were the Ice Cream Man ♪

♪ And an alien on "Star Trek" ♪

-♪ You stole the show in "Parenthood" ♪

♪ And "Pauly Shore Is Dead" ♪

-♪ You rocked in "Rock 'n' Roll High School" ♪

-♪ You played Tourist in "Leprechaun 2" ♪

-♪ Your name was Slinky in "Tango & Cash" ♪

♪ And you were Ricco in "Backdraft" ♪

♪ We all love you ♪

♪ You're the best ♪

♪ A legendary actor ♪

♪ With great success ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we thank you for being here ♪

♪ On "The Last Drive-In" ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we celebrate your career ♪

♪ And know you'll keep thrivin' ♪

♪ For everything that you do ♪

♪ We just want to thank you ♪

♪ For bein' you ♪

♪♪

♪ You were brilliant in "Evilspeak" ♪

♪ So stellar in "Apollo 13" ♪

-♪ Houston, we have no problem ♪

♪ Anytime you're on the screen ♪

-♪ We all love you ♪

♪ You're the best ♪

♪ A legendary actor ♪

♪ With great success ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we thank you for being here ♪

♪ On "The Last Drive-In" ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we celebrate your career ♪

♪ And know you'll keep thrivin' ♪

-♪ Clint Howard, we wanna thank you, boy ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we wanna thank you, boy ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we wanna thank you, boy ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we wanna thank you, boy ♪

♪ Singin' sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Clint Howard ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Clint Howard ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na ♪

-Brother Clinty, you're the best!

-♪ Clint Howard ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Clint Howard ♪

-♪ For everything that you do ♪

-♪ Everything that you do ♪

-♪ We just want to thank you ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ For bein' you ♪

[Choir vocalizing]

-♪ We wanna thank you, Clint ♪

♪ We wanna thank you ♪

-♪ Oh, Clint Howard ♪

-♪ For who you are ♪

-♪ Clint Howard ♪

-♪ We wanna thank you, boy ♪