All language subtitles for W09E01 Evilspeak_track3_[eng]

[Wind blowing, insects buzzing]

[Birds cawing]

[Wood scraping]

[Harmonica plays]

-When you go into the woods,

I have one word for you --

footwear.

Have you ever tried
to pry a copperhead out

from under the Plasticine strap
on a flip-flop.

[Harmonica plays]

That's not something
you want to do.

[Harmonica plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

[Static]

-Did you know that there are
only five college movies.

Maybe you think
you've seen more,

but it's been the same movie
over and over again.

I'm calling tonight's movie
a college movie

because it's set in
a military academy,

and I guess, technically,
that could be high school,

but if you look at the average
age of the cadets,

it's 38, so let's get real.

That movie is "Evilspeak,"
by the way, and I've been

waiting so long for this.

We've got this set up as
a "Hail Satan" double feature.

This is Mephistopheles Night,
we're going full-bore Beelzebub,

we're pimping
the Prince of Darkness,

and not only that,
we have the star of "Evilspeak,"

the man Darcy has been
chasing for years,

I speak of none other
than Clint Howard.

This is one of the best
computer-based military-academy

bullying revenge movies
with demonic pigs

and gratuitous bikini pageants
of the last four decades.

But more important, it's one
of Clint Howard's

best starring roles,

He was only 21 years old
when he made this,

but of course he had already
been acting for years and years

since his daybutt
was on "The Andy Griffith Show"

when he was just
three years old.

So Clint is in the house, Darcy!

-Whoo!
-Yeah.

He's not actually in this house.
He's in his own house.

He's going to be on
the satellite feed.

-You tease.
-But Darcy the Mail Girl,

ladies and gentlemen-there.

Her she is,
cozying up to the mail,

embracing your mail,
hugging your mail,

giving your tweets,
e-mails, messages

and posts the loving attention
they deserve.

What's the best
Clint Howard movie, Darcy?

-"Ice Cream Man."

-I knew you were gonna say
"Ice Cream Man."

You've had Clint on your podcast
and your YouTube show,

you have just been all over
Clint, right?

-[Chuckles] If only.

[Laughter]

-Well, I vote for "Evilspeak"
as his best --

as his best movie.

And I'm not counting those
big-budget movies

that his brother Ron Howard
puts him in.

Yeah, okay, the special effects
in "Apollo 13"

might be better
than "Evilspeak."

But among movies that have
a strong Clint Howard presence,

I would also include
"The Wraith."

I think he stands out
in "The Wraith"

even though
it's a small role.

But before we hook up
with Clint,

I wanna talk about
college movies.

There are five types
of college movies as I said.

Numero Uno: Nerd wins
the football game and dies.

Numero Two-o:
Joe College gets laid.

Numero Three-o: Joe College
gets his face eaten off

by a psycho mutant.

Numero Four-o: Tow-headed
bastards with Rolex watches

hang out on the beach
and discuss sculling.

And the most complex subgenre
of the college movie,

numero five-o:
A young, sensitive boy

from the Midwest goes to college
and finds out,

A, he'll never win
the football game,

B, he'll never get laid,
C, if he does get laid,

the girl will dump him,

D, all the tow-headed bastards
with Rolex watches

will never talk to him,
E, he's lousy at sculling,

F, maybe he shouldn't
be in college,

and G, maybe he'll quit
right now and show them.

These movies are always damn
near three hours of whining.

Okay, let's take em one
at a time.

As we all know,
the supreme example

of nerd-wins-the-football-game
is "Knute Rockne, All American,"

which includes
dialogue like this:

"You know what?

We're gonna pass the Army
this November!"

"Rock, if that works,
it'll make history!"

[Laughing] So,
why do people watch this flick

over and over again?

To see Ronald Reagan die
over and over again.

In fact, the movie oughta end
as soon as Ronald Reagan dies,

but it goes on for another hour
so we can see Pat O'Brien die

after he wins one
for the Gipper,

and so we can see Knute Rockne's
ghost walk across the field.

One of the worst movies
in history,

but it has all the elements.

Other versions of this are
"Chariots of Fire",

where Ben Cross wins one
for Moses

but doesn't die
because it's a true story.

"Up the Creek", where the
college rafting team wins one

to keep from getting
kicked out of school;

and "Jocks",
where the tennis team

wins one for no apparent reason.

You know, they're actually
better when they die.

Next, "Joe College Gets Laid."

The history of this one
is simple.

It starts with
"Where the Boys Are",

where people go to Lauderdale
and talk about getting laid

but only the bad girl,
Yvette Mimieux,

actually does get laid;
followed by "Beach Party",

where Frankie Avalon
keeps dropping hints

about getting laid
but Annette acts

like she doesn't understand
what he's talking about;

followed by
"Get Yourself a College Girl",

which turns everybody
off sex for a while

because it forces us to think
about Chad Everett

and Nancy Sinatra
actually doing it together;

followed by four more beach
movies with the exact same plot;

followed by "The Trip",
where everybody gets laid;

followed by "Animal House",

where everybody
is sick of getting laid

and so they get drunk;

followed by Reagan-era movies
like "Going All the Way",

in which nobody goes all
the way, and "Getting It On",

in which nobody gets it on;
followed by "Spring Break",

in which nobody plays football,
goes all the way, gets it on,

or does anything
except stand around drinking

Miller out of cans; followed by
"Where the Boys Are" again!

The 1984 remake, which has four
extremely ugly girls

trolling Lauderdale
for sex and disease.

You can see how far the American
college student advanced

in just two decades.
Okay?

The third category,
college students

getting sliced and diced,
is one of my favorites,

and that's what
we have tonight.

Others include "Pieces",
"Girls School Screamers",

"Killer Party",
and "Sorority House Massacre".

The basic premise here
is that Greeks are too stupid

to figure out
there's a maniac in the house.

That's why there's always
only one survivor,

the one who's still trying to
decide whether to pledge

I Felta Thigh or not.

The tow-headed bastard category,
one of the most repulsive

kinds of movies ever made.

It's always about southern
California weenie boy

jerkola surfer types
shaking the blond locks

out of their eyes.
[Laughter]

Best illustrated
by "Campus Man",

in which renowned lipstick
lizard Morgan Fairchild

tries to find the perfect
hunk for her calendar.

Equally fascinating
character studies

are to be found
in "Fraternity Vacation",

"North Shore".
And who could ignore it?

"Snowballing".

And, finally, we have movies
about education itself,

a topic so boring there have
only been about 20 of these

in history, and 15 of those
were made in England,

which doesn't count because
nobody can watch a movie

about Oxford or Cambridge
without falling dead asleep.

If you want to test this thesis,
try watching "Lucky Jim",

the story of a young
university professor

who messes up
the flower arrangements

on commencement day.

In England, this is considered
an uproarious comedy.

So generally, you have three
types really: "Class of '44",

guys hanging around
with guys at college,

thinking about girls,
and finding out guys

mean more to 'em than girls;
"The Paper Chase",

guys hanging around
with girls at college,

trying to figure out
what's more important, college

or the girl,
and choosing the girl;

and "The Strawberry Statement",
movies so relevant

and hip that the guy decides
sculling is not that important,

girls are not that important,
college is not that important.

The only thing
that's important

is making sure
the big corporations

don't tear down the playgrounds
for minority children.

The movie ends with ten
solid minutes of students

being clubbed into a bloody mess
by National Guardsmen.

At any rate, the message in all
these movies is the same:

college is not worth it.

That's why my favorite
college movie, "Girl Crazy."

Mickey Rooney goes to college,
and that's the last

you ever hear about college.

You know, when he shows up
opening day.

In 1943, Hollywood knew
how to make a college movie.

If you want my all-time
10 top college list,

write to me
at joebob@joebobbriggs.com

and I'll send it to you.

Not to be confused with my top
10 party school list,

which I don't send out anymore
ever since I was threatened

with a lawsuit
[laughter]

by a dean
at Northern, where was it?

Northern Arizona University.

Go Lumberjacks!
I love the Lumberjacks.

Okay, as you all know,

when Joe Bob says heads
will roll, heads will roll.

And I'm saying it now:
Heads will roll in "Evilspeak."

This is one of those movies
that doesn't mess around.

Five minutes along and, thunk,

sword through the Adam's apple
in slow motion.

It's all about this evil priest
named Lorenzo Esteban

who was banished from Spain
by the church

and forbidden to say Mass
because they caught

the sorry S.O.B. offering human
sacrifices of young virgins.

Heads roll right there
in that scene.

Then, after we learn
about Lorenzo,

we get a flash-forward
to the modern story,

which is all about
this nerdy kid named Coopersmith

who goes to this boys school

where he gets pushed around
all the time

because he's a wimp
and a crybaby.

All the guys at the school are
always beating up Coopersmith,

and the coaches
give him a hard time,

and the girls tell him
what a creep he is.

And finally Coopersmith
is pretty fed up,

and he discovers
this secret passage

in the basement of the chapel.

It's the tomb of Lorenzo,
he of the rolling heads.

Anyway, a lot of stuff
happens before

Coopersmith figures it out,

including a tender moment
with Luca Brasi.

Luca Brasi is in this movie,

but what it amounts to
is the ghost of Lorenzo

wants to come back and cut off
some more virgin heads

and Coopersmith wants
to get revenge on everybody,

and so Coopersmith starts
studying the Black Mass

and learning how to summon up
these vicious attack pigs.

I still don't know exactly
what Coopersmith does

to his primitive
1980 Apple computer,

but he gets some mandrake
root and unholy water

and consecrated host
and mixes it all up

and then Lorenzo gives him
some instructions

through his floppy disk,

and finally Coopersmith
is ready for action.

The actual revenge part takes up

about the last 30 minutes
of the film,

and I won't tell you
everything that happens,

but it has -- it has it all.

So let's look at those
drive-in totals

and get started.

We have: 13 dead bodies.

1 dead puppy.

5 breasts.
8 bewtocks.

4 heads roll.

2 wild pig attacks.

Prelate spitting.

Multiple pentagram creation.

Consecrated host crumpling.

Chandelier body piercing.

Bleeding crucifix,
with projectile hand spike.

Bloody heart-ripping.

Multiple broadsword
head-hacking.

Floating Clint Howard Demon.

Blood-drinking.
Nail to the forehead.

1 attack rat.

Strangulation.

Pantsing.

Exploding church,
with fireball.

Boot to the groin.
Neck-snapping.

Animal-head prankster attack.

Hitchcockian shower scene,
but with pigs.

Multiple pig heads.

Gratuitous skating rink.

Gratuitous Kahlil Gibran.

Amphibian fetus Fu.

Computer Fu.
Black mass Fu.

Drive-In Academy Awards
nominations for Hamilton Camp,

as the Nazi lecturer;

Lynn Hancock as the hot
secretary to the colonel;

Charles Tyner
as Colonel Kincaid,

the butt-pounding headmaster
whose advice

is "Just accept the fact
that your parents are gone

and make the best of it";

Don Stark as Bubba the head
bully in the bully patrol,

R.G. Armstrong
as Sarge the janitor

for saying
"Somebody took my crowbar!";

Eric Weston,
the writer/director,

for painting the walls red,
feeding them to pigs,

and exploding them;
and Clint Howard,

in the best nerd
revenge performance in history.

And the best part is that Clint
is here with us tonight.

Coopersmith lives!

We're gonna watch this movie
from the inside out,

step by step, scene by scene,
with the man himself.

Four stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

And by the way,
if you're being bullied,

this movie
tells you how to deal.

Buy an Apple II
eight-bit home computer...

[Laughter]

to communicate with dead
demonic servants of Satan.

Why an Apple II, you ask?

Why not a Commodore PET 2001,

which is the choice
here at Shudder?

Because...

color graphics.

You're gonna spin those
pentagrams through cyberspace

and save 'em
on your floppy.

Always save your floppies.

Right, Darcy?

-Right?
[Laughter ]

-Do you even know
what a floppy is?

-Oh, yeah.

-The devil likes floppies.

-Well, I like hard drives.

[Laughter]

-Darcy, I'm shocked.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

[Waves crashing]

[Birds cooing]

[Speaking in Latin]

-[Spits]

♪♪

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Speaking in Latin]

♪♪

♪♪

[All chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chanting continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Geez!

-What the hell are you doing?

-You screwed up for
the last time, Cooperdick.

-Come on, get the ball!

[Cheers and applause]

-Nice game, Cooperdick.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Hey, slick.
It wasn't your fault, man.

-Tell that to them.

-It was a good game.
Come on.

-Cooperdick, man,
you're a bad joke.

-We're gonna settle this later,
pal.

-Why don't you guys
leave him alone.

Cut it out.
-Cut it off, you mean.

-Hey, I'm trying
my hardest out there.

-You couldn't play for the March
of Dimes, Coopersmith.

-Well, I am playing.

The coach says I get to play.

-The coach?

[Indistinct conversations]

[Towel snaps]
Coach that.

-Knock it off!
[Bangs on locker

[Water pouring]

Come on girls.

This place looks like
a shit house.

You got five minutes to shower
and get the hell out of here.

-Hey, Coach, are you really
gonna play him

against John Paul Jones?

-Everybody plays sports here,
Bubba.

-I guess that's another game
we're gonna lose?

Huh, Coach.

-Come here, Bubba.

Listen to me.

You know the policy
as well as I do.

Everybody plays two out
of every four quarters,

Now, what the hell you expect me
to do about that, huh?

Huh?

Now, if something happened
to Coopersmith

so he couldn't play...

-Hey, Slick, you still
on extra duty at the chapel?

-Yeah, I got to start cleaning
that freaking cellar today.

-I'll bet you'll
be down there all year.

Maybe 'til he graduates.

-Hey, Cooperdick, you should
really take advantage

of visiting day.

Maybe you could get out
of your detail.

-Big dope.

You have to have a mother
and a father.

Coopersmith's are dead.

-Oh.

Maybe they'll let the lady

from the welfare office
visit you.

Maybe they'll let her pass
as your mother.

[Laughter]

[Band playing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey.

[Child squealing]

♪♪

-The way I see it,
Mrs. Caldwell,

the military's the backbone
of this country.

our only hope in preserving

this democratic way
of life of ours.

Good stock
and breeding will tell.

There was a time when only
the sons of the right

families attended
our academy here,

but now, due to our
financial condition,

we're obliged to take in welfare
cases like Coopersmith.

♪♪

-Reverend?

♪♪

Reverend Jameson?

[Door opens]

[Sinister music plays]

Reverend?

♪♪

Reverend Jameson?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What the hell
are you doing down here?

-[Stuttering]
I'm on punishment duty, Sir.

Um, well, I came down
looking for the Reverend.

I'll just start cleaning
out the cellar.

-Nobody told me about it.

-Well you know,
I bet you he forgot.

-Nobody knows you're
down here, huh?

-Coopersmith?
-Oh, it's you, Sir.

When I didn't find you upstairs,
I came down here

and started cleaning
some of this junk,

and well then,
I ran into the Sarge here.

-Sergeant, Private Coopersmith
is on a punishment detail.

-Punishment?

-Yes, and I want you
to give him a hand.

-Why...

I don't have enough
to do as it is.

-Coopersmith here will do
all the work.

-Okay. Okay.

[Laughing]

-Ah, there's the Reverend.

-Pardon my dust.
I just come up from the cellar.

I've just been giving
Mrs. Caldwell

a tour of the grounds.

-I've always admired the
architecture of your school.

-Why, thank you.

-But what always intrigued me,
is the chapel.

-I think the Reverend
has a better background

of that than I.

He made a study of it.

-I was curious about the old
building myself, so I...

I started to do
a little digging.

[Band music playing]

♪♪

[Box dragging]

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

[Metal clanks]

♪♪

-Oh, come on.

♪♪

-Come on, guy.

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Metal rattles]

♪♪

Jesus.

-And the founder of the order
was a certain Father Esteban.

You see, the actual land
that the school sits on,

was given to Esteban
in an order of Spanish monks

when they fled
the inquisition.

-[Laughing]

Whoa.

Mm-hmm.

Ahh.

[Metal clanks]
[Humming]

[Laughs]

This work...

[Laughs]

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks open]

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct whispering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, my God.

♪♪

♪♪

Wow.

What a score.

♪♪

♪♪

[Rat screeches]

♪♪

[Door slams shut]

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

[Band music playing]

-Rumor has it that
before being executed,

Esteban vowed to return
and extract his revenge.

The signal would manifest itself
on these very grounds.

-Hmm.
How interesting.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-My crowbar.

♪♪

-Did you enjoy your tour
of the chapel, Mrs. Caldwell?

-Oh, I certainly did.

Reverend Jameson
was most informative.

-Oh, there's Douglas.
Douglas.

You have a fine son there,
Mrs. Caldwell.

-Thank you.
Mother's going now.

Give her a kiss.

-Oh, Mom.

-I hope we have the financial
resources to do right by him.

-Oh, I'm sure you will, Colonel.

I'll have a talk
with the Senator tonight.

He's very big
on military causes,

especially tax exempt ones.

-Nice to have you.

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Water bubbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

They unplugged my clock.

Damn.

Look at my clothes.

-[Speaking in Latin]

Rise, arise
[speaks Latin]

get possession of,
become master of.

[Speaks Latin] Greedy, attack.

You are late, Coopersmith.

I hope you have
an unimpeachable excuse.

Your silence pleases me,
Coopersmith.

I will consider any excuse
unacceptable short

of your being detained
from visitors from outer space.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

I take it we can rule out
extraterrestrial interference?

-Yes, sir.

-Now, with your permission,
I will continue.

Gentlemen, over
the next few weeks,

we will be campaigning
as Julius Caesar.

We will try to duplicate
Caesar's military strategy

as well as read Latin.

The final exam will consist
of questions

about that strategy
as well as your ability

to master Latin grammar
and vocabulary.

For your sake,
I hope that all of you

have become little experts

at conjugation, declension
and irregular verbs.

Also, let me emphasize
strongly the importance

of the model assignment
upon which you are working.

I expect nothing less
than perfection

in concept and execution.

Remember, this is
a military academy.

Any mistake big or small
will be dealt with

in the most severe terms.

Understood?

You must never forget
you're being trained

in a military career.

An inferior model will earn you
an F in this class.

[Speaking in Latin]

[Indistinct whispering]

A word to the wise,
Coopersmith.

♪♪

[Bell ringing]

[Taps table]

Dismissed.

Not you, Coopersmith.

[Indistinct conversations]

This is the second time you have
been late this week,

Coopersmith.

I want you to report
to the Colonel's office

after your last class.

I do not understand you,
Coopersmith.

You have a fine mind,

if only you were
to apply yourself.

-I do try, Sir.

Well, you know
my model catapult?

I'm using one of the computers
to check my configurations

so it will be
really accurate.

-Hmm.
I hope it is for your sake.

Now, you'd best get out of here

or you will be late
for your next class.

-Yes, Sir.

[Footsteps departing]

[Keyboard clacking,
computer beeping]

[Computer beeps]

[Keyboard clacking]

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Computer beeps]

[Static]

-Okay, did you notice that
when Coopersmith translates

the book with his Apple II,
the date he gets

is February 20, 1535?

That's the date
where it says "I, Esteban,

have signed the book of death

and touched the hand
of my master Satan,

through the rite
of the Black Mass."

Okay, and then in the very
first scene of the movie,

we know Esteban is banished to
"these savage lands,"

on Malibu Beach.

So some time shortly after 1535

they dumped the satanic monks
and priests in California.

We didn't know this
until this movie came out,

because the first Spanish
mission in California

wasn't built in 1769

by Father Junipero Serra,
in San Diego.

So Esteban was partying
in Santa Barbara

two centuries
before anybody noticed

that the Spanish were here.

And how do we know
it was in Santa Barbara?

Because that marching band
is the marching band of

Dos Pueblos High School
in Goleta.

Go Chargers!

And by the way,
during all those scenes

when the military
academy bigwigs

are escorting Mrs. Caldwell
through the property

so they can do exposition as to
the whole backstory of Esteban,

do they ever explain why
a priest who did Black Masses

would have his giant portrait
hanging in the chapel?

I mean, the Catholics can be
weird, but not that weird.

And is it common
for a military academy

to hire an ex-Nazi
soldier to teach Latin?

That's veteran character actor
Hamilton Camp

doing the cheesy
German accent.

And just one more question:
do they play some special form

of soccer at this school?

The coach, played by another
veteran character actor,

Claude Earl Jones,
who we recently saw

playing the zombie
reanimated police lieutenant

in "Bride of Re-Animator,"
the coach

says that he has to let
Coopersmith play

because the rule
is that every cadet

must play two out
of the four quarters.

Soccer doesn't have quarters.

So this is some form
of Malibu 16th-century

Kahlil Gibran soccer,

because we also had that,
the quote

from Kahlil Gibran
at the beginning.

Shouldn't it be a quote from
either a Satanist or the Bible?

I mean, Kahlil Gibran?

The guy who wrote "The Prophet"?

That book that girls
carry around in junior high

when they're trying
to be spiritual?

The producer stuck that
on the movie

because he said he wanted
to lighten the mood

before the beheading,
which, by the way,

when you do a beheading
like that,

you need to not show
that many frames

of the painted cabbage
head you bought at Party City

on your way
to the set that morning.

That's one of the worst
special effects

ever featured on this show,

and man, have we featured
a lot of bad ones.

So anyway, my point being,
nothing about

Kahlil Gibran lightens the mood.

Kahlil Gibran
just makes you go, "What?

I think he's a New Age Muslim
or something.

I don't think Kahlil
Gibran parties with Satan."

So all -- all of the above is,

God, reasons I love this movie.

Anyway, is Clint here yet?

Clint!

The great Clint Howard,
ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to "The Last Drive-In."

-Well, I appreciate that.

You know, when you're an old
battleship like me,

you know, you got a lot
of barnacles.

Clint, I hope
you're not Catholic.

[Laughter]

Because, if you were,
you would be so screwed.

[Laughter]

-To be honest, Joe Bob,
I would have been screwed

a long time
before this movie was made.

-Alright.
Well, you're an athlete, right?

You've played soccer?

-Actually, I was not much
of a soccer player.

I was a baseball player,
and later on in life,

I played golf, but baseball
and basketball.

Okay. But you know the rules
of soccer, right?

-Sort of.
-Well, I ask because

There aren't four quarters
in soccer, right?

[Laughter]

The coach says he has to play
all the players

two out of four quarters
in every match.

-Well, you got to understand,
Job Bob, in this --

in this bizarre league, this --
this supernatural league.

They do, they break it down
into quarters.

I don't know.

-Okay, well, you mentioned that
you're more of a baseball guy.

I know you were the catcher on
the "Happy Days" softball team

and I know that the pitcher
was Henry Winkler.

So my question is,
how was the Fonz's fastball?

-No, I'll you what.

Henry never played organized
sports in his entire life.

He -- he grew up in Manhattan,
and sports was just not

part of his lexicon.

-So, you guys made him
the pitcher?

-Well, the team made him a
pitcher because he was Fonz

and his center stage, and it was
the one thing that he can do.

Henry could -- could underhand
that ball in there,

and I noticed because I played
a lot of baseball,

his pitch had a natural tail.

And it would look
so good coming in,

but then it would get inside on
right-handed hitters.

And Henry was a fabulous, like,
mid-level softball pitcher.

Now he couldn't field.

He fielded like a girl
and he hit like a girl,

but he pitched like the Fonz.
[Laughter]

-Wow.
-Oh, yeah.

-Man, the Fonz not able
to hack it in the field.

I don't know how to feel
about that.

-Here's the thing.

The producers are standing there
just praying

that nobody hits the Fonz,
because at that point,

we probably had our first
$100 million actor out there

on the mound awfully close
to home plate,

and Henry couldn't
really field very well.

And there were a couple
of times that guys would

rope one right up the middle,

and Henry would
just flinch like that.

But you know what?
No harm, no foul.

Henry is a beautiful,
beautiful dude.

Henry and I immediately
got along really good,

and I would be, "Come on, Henry.
Right here, baby.

Right here, baby.
Right here, baby!

I would slowly get --
get the pitch

to come in on these hitters,
and all of these hitters,

they wanted to just hit the crap
out of the Fonz, right?

So they're overswinging,
and they're hitting

a lot of pop ups
to Ralph Malph

and Richie Cunningham
in the outfield.

[Laughter]
-Alright, good work.

That's what a catcher's
supposed to do.

Now, about "Evilspeak."

What kind of guy is Eric Weston,
the writer/director?

-Eric was a great guy
to work with and for.

First of all, Irv Goodnoff,
the cinematography,

had a lot to do
with "Evilspeak,"

both creatively and the look,
the tone of the movie.

And I was -- I felt --
I was a young kid.

I was like 21 or 22 years old
when we made this movie,

and Eric, as the director
and Irv, as his confidant

and cinematographer, they
brought me into the fold.

And it was really the three
of us that were sort of

helping shape the movie.

Now, I was shaping
it from the standpoint

that I was playing
Stanley Coopersmith,

but you know, Eric,
I don't know whether

he saw something in me or
whether he needed the support.

I mean, listen.
Making a movie is a team game.

When you're an actor,
people don't realize it.

There is an entire team
behind you,

from the wardrobe
they give you to wear

to the props they let you
play with,

to the other actors.

You're only as good
as your team.

So what I really
appreciated Eric for

was he established
this sort of camaraderie

or this trilogy
of creative people --

me, Irv and Eric.

And we worked through
all the problems.

You also got to understand.

"Evilspeak" was a low budget
little movie.

It might look pretty rich.

In certain instances,
they did spend

money on stuff, but we were
shooting really fast.

There's a day --
there was a day in that movie

I worked over 24 hours straight.

-Really?
Is that even legal?

-Yes, it is, if they pay,
and they pay.

-Okay.
-Although, I'll tell you what.

They -- I'll say off the top,
this was the first movie

that I ever worked on
where I had a toupee.

-Really?
-And I didn't start off

on a really good footing
with Eric because,

first of all, they -- they hired
me, which was great,

and they told me I had
to buy my own toupee.

-What? How does that?
[Laughter]

-Yeah, that's horse shit.

I mean, come on.
You know?

So anyway, that
and the toupee plays

in almost the entire movie.

Listen, I don't wear
toupees anymore.

Obviously, I would need -- I
would need full-on carpeting,

but the -- I can see, you know,
I see the toupee.

-Okay.
[Laughter]

Eric Weston was not
really a horror guy.

I think this
is his only horror film,

though I guess you
weren't really

a horror guy then either, right?

He made up all the rules for
how Esteban is gonna come back,

and also all the rules for how
pigs are summoned by demons.

Could you understand
all the rules?

-Um, no. No.
No, I couldn't

First of all,
I thought it was cool,

and I also, immediately,
saw the prosthetic

head of the pig,
which look really cool.

And the guy who made it was
really proud,

and he was showing off how the
teeth would work and everything.

Making a horror, you're looking
for those startling moments,

and come on, a pig eating
a woman in the shower,

that's a keeper in my book.

[Laughter]

-Alright.
Well, good job so far.

We're already loving
the character of Coopersmith.

When you first read
this script though,

what did you think really?

-Should I do this?
-That's kind of what I figured.

Is it a good image for me?

-Well, not so much an image
for me.

Listen, I was born
to be a character actor.

I mean, I was baylocking
in "Star Trek"

when I was seven years old.

I played a Mexican in an episode
of "The Virginian."

It was -- I had already...

I was the world's youngest
character actor

for a long time, so I was more
concerned about content.

I mean, down until he passed,
he was always

my number one kind of guy,
go-to guy

to talk about the business
or talk about life.

-That's great.
-And I --

I called Dad, and Dad had read
the script.

And the script played
really well on people.

It was a good script.

There was a good conflict
between the kids,

and you know,
it just played really well.

A guy named -- oh, God --
Garofalo was the --

was one of cinema-- was one
of the screenwriters

that wrote the thing with Eric.

And so I felt like it worked
pretty good,

but I asked Dad about it.

I said, Dad, this is, you know,
he gets possessed

by the devil and he cuts off
people's heads

and he causes a lot of mayhem
and he survives at the end.

And what do you think?

You think this is morally
the right thing to do?"

And Dad looked at me and said,
"You know, son,

if you don't take the part,
somebody else will."

And I've held
that my entire life.

No matter how -- I've turned
a few things down,

but, you know,
I can't change things.

I'm just a guy playing a part,
you know?

-Yeah.
-I think a lot of times

in storytelling, it's important
to go to the edge, you know?

Sometimes storytelling about is
not about always good examples.

It can be about bad examples,
too.

So, you know,
but more than anything,

I wanted the job.

It was lead in a movie, and --
and I had been a kid actor,

and here I was striking
out on my own.

-Right.

-And I -- I never forget,
for about three weeks,

I was just playing big black
boogers out of my noise.

-Wha-- What?
[Laughter]

W-Why?

-Because back in those days,
they didn't have

nearly the regulations
they have now

about smoke on a set.

And the way they make
really good smoke

is rubber cement.

I think don't think anybody
in the world

would ever want anybody to stand
next to burning rubber cement,

and for a couple of weeks,
I was literally just,

you know, I was huffing it in.

-Whoa.

-There was another thing
that's no longer legal

because they found it
cause cancer,

and that was called
Fuller's earth.

And Fuller's earth is a thing
you put it into

a sanitary sock or, you know,
and you dab it on you,

and then you can wet it
and it makes instant mud

wherever you put it.

Or if you just want
dust on somebody,

you just put Fuller's earth
on them,

and I probably went through
10 or 15 pounds

of Fuller's earth
on "Evilspeak" alone.

-Whoa, those are the
occupational hazards of --

of acting that they really
don't tell you about.

-So, you know, I don't know.

If [coughing] coughing or
something, don't blame me.

-Alright, well, you were
a total trouper,

we're gonna need your help
at every break tonight,

but right now let's get back
to "Evilspeak."

Roll the film.

And to give you some idea,
the movie Eric Weston

did right before "Evilspeak"
was a vehicle for Tim Conway

called "They Went That-A-Way
& That-A-Way."

So, some range.

Slapstick criminal hijinks.

Demonology with pigs.

The man could do anything.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Door closes]

-What's the matter with you
Cooperdick?

What's the matter, huh?
[laughing] Come get your hat.

-Give me that.
[Laughter]

-What's the matter with you?

-Oh.

-Hey! Why don't you guys
leave 'em alone?

How would you
like to follow his hat?

[Hat thuds]

[Grunting]

[Indistinct talking]

-Bring him in.
-Get him inside.

Come on.

-Good afternoon, men.
-Good afternoon, Sir.

-Jo Jo, I hope you men are ready
for the game on Saturday.

-Yes, Sir.
-And let's not forget the rally.

We want to have some good fun.

-We wouldn't miss it, Sir.
-That's right, Sir.

-Coopersmith, where's your hat?

-I lost it.
-Well, find it.

The good Lord doesn't want you
out of uniform...

and neither do I.

Good day, men.
-Good day, Sir.

-Good day, Reverend.

[Laughter]

[Water sprinkler running]

[Cabinet thuds]

-Good of you to come, Private.

Come inside.

And leave your books out here.

[Books thud]

[Door closes]

I'm disappointed in you, boy.

I could understand if you
didn't have what it takes,

but your record shows
you have an above average IQ,

and what concerns me
is your inability

to get along with the others.

I'd be remiss in my duty
if I didn't do all in my power

to see to it
that you take every advantage

of what we have to offer here.

Now, I know you miss your folks,
but you have to accept the fact

that they're gone
and make the best of it.

We have a mission
at this academy,

and that mission is to turn out
young men for the military,

so from now on,

I'm going to keep
a special eye on you.

I'm going to see to it
personally

that you tow the line.

I'm going to make
a good soldier out of you

or else know the reason why.

Now, what have you got
to say to that, trooper?

Huh?

-Now, I'm a firm believer that
words alone are useless,

so I'm going to make sure
you remember our little chat

every time
you sit down this week.

But don't worry,

you'll still be in there
against John Paul Jones Academy.

Take the position, boy.

[Whip striking]

[Pigs oinking]

-Great job.

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

[Pigs grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Pigs grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Music escalates]

♪♪

♪♪

-Wait 'til he demonstrates
this in front of the class.

This will teach that
little queer a lesson.

I'm hungry.

-Just hurry up
and finish it, please?

-Come on.

-Here comes Cooperdick.

-Come on.
-Let's go.

-Come on.

[Door closes]

-Ew, that smell.

-Wow.
-Pig shit.

-Whew!

[Laughter]

-Gentlemen, I have your passes.

All those going to town,
report to the quadrangle

in five minutes.

Randerson, Baker, Caldwell...

♪♪

♪♪

-Damn.

[Items clattering]

Damn.
Bastards took my book.

♪♪

♪♪

Alright, what you guys
do with my book?

-What book are you talking
about, Cooperdick?

-You know what book
I'm talking about, Bubba.

-I don't know nothing
about no book.

-Maybe you don't.

♪♪

But you guys
broke my catapult.

You're gonna pay for that.

[Roller skates clacking]

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Bell tolling]
-One, two, three, four,

One, two, three, four.

Your father was there
when you left your right.

Your father was there
when you left your right.

Your father was there
when you left your right.

Your sister was there
when you left your right.

Your preacher was there
when you left your right...

[Military cadence continues]

-Yes, private,
what would you like?

-You wouldn't happen
to have seen a book

I might've left here
the other day?

Would you?

-No, I haven't.

-I-It's really important to me.

-Will that be all?

-Yeah.
Thanks.

[Door slams]

[Drawer slides open]

[Pig squealing]

-Hey.

You take one of my tools?

-No.

-Somebody took my crowbar.

-Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.

I'll keep an eye out for it.

I have to go.

Study hall.

-[Spits]

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

[Bell ringing]

♪♪

-That was the bell, private.

-Um, well just a few
more minutes?

-Others are scheduled.

Out.

♪♪

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Button clicks]

♪♪

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Keyboard clacking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Items clatter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

By the dreadful day of judgment.

[Fire hisses]

By the face of the divine
majesty

and by the four beasts
before the throne.

By the fire which
is about the throne...

[Fire hisses]

I conjure and command thee,

oh, prince of darkness,

in the name of him who spake,
and it was done.

Satan.

[Fire hisses]

Lucifer.

-Coopersmith.

[Computer beeping]

-Appear forthwith
and show yourself to me.

♪♪

-Coopersmith.

♪♪

[Beeping continues]

♪♪

-Gotta have the unholy water,
defiled host.

Shoot.

Gotta have it.

♪♪

-Coopersmith.

Coopersmith.
-Yes, Sir!

[Crashes]

I'm sorry, Sir.

-Coopersmith, where in God's
name do you come from?

-Well, I was right here, Sir.

-No, you weren't right there,
because if you were right there,

I would've seen you.

-Now, why isn't this place
cleaned up?

-It's a big job, Sir.

-I know it's a...big job,
Coopersmith.

Look, it's getting late.

I think you should run along
to the mess hall

and get something to eat

because they're just about
finished serving supper.

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

[Spoon clanking]

[Knife thuds]

-Come on with me.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Steak sizzling]

How do you like your steak?

-Whatever it is now is fine.

-You don't look like you
belong here.

You sure your mother and father
didn't send you here

just to get you out of the way?

-My mom and dad were killed
in an automobile accident.

-Should've told me sooner.

I would've given you an extra
lump of mashed potatoes.

-[Laughs]

-That's better.

Finished?

-Almost.

[Jazz music playing on radio]

♪♪

-You want to see something?

♪♪

-Wow.

[Puppies squeaking]

Doesn't look like this little
one's getting too much to eat.

Oh, aren't you gonna help it?

-There's nothing I can do
that's gonna help him.

I tried everything.

-Can I have him?

What are you gonna do with him?

-Keep him.

Try to give him a chance.

-Why don't you let nature
take its course.

-Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe this pup is better off
not making it.

It's a tough world out there.

You gotta be able to kick and
scratch if you wanna survive.

I found that out right
after my parents died.

From what I can tell,
like these other pups,

it's the ones that can do
the most pushing and shoving

that get the biggest
piece of the pie.

-I don't think he stands
a chance,

but if you like him...

take him.

[Wood creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-This is your new home, boy.

It's a little stuffy,
but it'll work out just fine.

You'll like it.

♪♪

This looks pretty good
right here.

It's pretty sturdy.
How you like it in there?

Feel alright?

Okay, well you gotta stay there.
I gotta go to work.

I'm gonna put this right here.

Now, yell if you need anything.
Stay here.

[Indistinct whispering]

♪♪

[Computer beeping]

♪♪

Consecrated host.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sinister music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Panting]

[Puppy whines]

[Exhales sharply]

[Puppy whining]

♪♪

♪♪

By the four beasts
before the throne.

By the fire which is about
the throne...

[Fire hisses]

appear forthwith
and show thyself to me

in beastly or in human form.

Come peaceably,
visibly and without delay.

♪♪

By the dreadful day of judgment,

by the face of
the unholy majesty,

I conjure and command
thee prince of darkness.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, Satan.

♪♪

Oh, Lucifer appear forthwith
and show thyself to me.

I, Stanley Coopersmith,
command you.

♪♪

-[Groaning]

[Candle thuds]

♪♪

[Groaning, puppy whines]

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Candle slides]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

♪♪

[Howls]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

[Door slams]

[Groans]

♪♪

[Click]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

[Creatures groaning]

♪♪

[Howls]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Head thuds]

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Holy Christ.

I think we went too far
this time, Bubba.

-Oh, he'll be all right.
He's just cold cocked.

Jesus, did you see the look
on his face.

-Wow.
He's really out cold.

-I think he's coming to.

-Let's get out of here
before Sarge catches us, okay?

-Fuck, Sarge.
Let's get out of here.

[Laughter]

-Whoo!

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

Far fucking out.

♪♪

It works.

♪♪

♪♪

[Computer whirring]

♪♪

[Computer beeps]

[Static]

-Okay, so I have some
more questions.

Coopersmith discovers this
cobwebby series of rooms

and cabins
underneath the church

that nobody has noticed
for the past four centuries,

including Sarge,
the drunk janitor

who lives down there, played by
the immortal R.G. Armstrong,

veteran of umpteen
jillion westerns.

And I'll get to R.G.
in a minute,

but first the questions:

If you monkey around
with the silver pentagram

attached to the front
of the book,

like the Colonel's
secretary does,

that causes a pig stampede?

I'm just asking 'cause
that seems to be the case.

-It also broke her nail,
I think,

which is worse than causing the
Satanic stampede.

Why is Coopersmith being
butt-whipped with a riding crop?

All the colonel says is that
he's talking

about his dead parents too much

and he's not getting along
with the jerkolas

who beat him up every day.

So, assume the position!
For that?

-Shooting that on the day,
he hit me pretty good,

Charles -- Charlie Tyner,
the actor.

And that was a fun day.

That was a fun day,
and it had nothing to do

with getting hit in the ass.

[Laughter]

-Why does everybody in the cast
suddenly go to a skating rink?

And why is Luca Brasi,

who sleeps with the fishes,
in this movie?

And why does he have puppies
in the kitchen?

That's Lenny Montana.

He was pro wrestler,
but he --

he also might
have been a mobster.

Alright, Clint!
Here's the question.

Is it easier to work with pigs
or with Gentle Ben?

-Oh, the bear was a lot easier.

These were nasty pigs.

These were not trained pigs.

The bear was relatively
the tame, gentle creature.

These pigs, they were nasty.

-Really?
What about Lenny Montana?

Was he a scary guy?

-No, Lenny was a blast,
you know?

And Lenny had been
in "The Godfather."

So listen, anybody
that had been in

"The Godfather"
was okay with me.

The fact that they -- they got
him to come down

and play the cook
was pretty good.

And I don't know why
he kept the puppy.

You know, he didn't want
to feed them to anybody?

-Why does the colonel beat you
with the riding crop?

What did you do?

-I don't know. He never came up
to me and said, you know,

"I wacked your uncle,
so be careful,"

or anything like that.

No, he seemed like
a really nice guy.

-Maybe Eric Weston
was just promoting this

for publicity reasons,
but I did hear...

Was Lenny Montana
really a hitman?

-I don't know. Do hitmen really
look like Lenny Montana?

I mean, Lenny Montana was such
a cliché mob-looking guy.

I would think hitmen
would more --

look more like Dennis the Menace
or something.

[Laughter]

-Well, they all do until,
you know?

But talk about working
with R.G. Armstrong.

-"There's my fucking crowbar."

[Laughter]

That was line of the movie.

You know, usually when you
work on a movie,

somebody says something
that gets repeated.

"There's my fucking crowbar."

We had the greatest day.

He was such a champ,
and you know,

these are hard, hard days
that we're working,

and he probably only worked
four, five days on the movie

because they probably
paid him a little more.

They brought him,
they gotta shoot him

and get him out of there,

and all of that, he was game,

and he was way above
the paygrade

at being guy that has his neck
turned around and snapped.

And yet, a lot like my dad.

R.G. was one of those consummate
character actor guys

that'd be willing
to do anything,

willing to come up with any
invention to make it work,

and we just -- R.G. --

-Yeah.
-R.G. was a champ.

-I don't know if you know this,
but they gave R.G. Armstrong

his choice of playing
Colonel Kincaid,

the head of the academy
who beats you with the crop,

or the drunken janitor.

So R.G. thought about it,
and he went low.

-Oh, no. The Sarge
was a lot better role.

-R.G. was supposedly
the best friend

of Andy Griffith --

now, so you knew
Andy Griffith, is that right?

-Well, when I -- when I worked
on "The Andy Griffith Show,"

I was a little too young to know
anybody but Mom --

I mean, I was two years old at
the time.

-You were Leon, the younger
brother of Opie?

-Well, I was Leon, I was just
a townsperson in Mayberry.

And I would randomly come up
and offer somebody

a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

-All right.
-That was my bit.

And the first time I was on
"The Andy Griffith Show"

it had nothing to do with

a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich.

I was two, and, uh -- but then I
did, like, five or six episodes,

and I did a couple of really
funny bits with Barney,

where he would be in a position

where he didn't want to be seen
or anything,

and I'd walk right up to him
and hand him

a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich,

he'd have to go,
"Not now, Leon!"

You know, so -- so --
but I did --

I got to know Andy
really well

towards the end of his life --

in fact, um, I was sort of
responsible for him working on

the last movie that he worked
on, called "Play the Game,"

and Andy wanted to keep workin'.

I think Andy was
gettin' kinda sick,

but he wanted to keep workin',

and -- and he -- he worked on
this movie,

and, you know, I don't want to
say "don't see it,"

because if you're
a fan of Andy Griffith,

you know, y-you probably should,

but the last time you see
Andy Griffith on film

is he's getting a hummer from
Seinfeld's mother.

-Oh, my God!

Did I -- I -- I don't know what
I just heard.

-Yeah, yeah -- "Play the Game,"
you might wanna check it out,

not you, Joe Bob, but I mean...
-I'm sure everyone will now!

All right, back to
R.G. Armstrong.

Um...
[Laughing]

[Coughs]

R.G. Armstrong, um, did not give
many interviews over the years,

but he once said that
at some point in his life

he realized he had a lot of fury
and hell and violence

inside him,

and so he kept asking
for those parts,

even though he was outwardly one
of the nicest guys in Hollywood.

I wish I'd met him
because his very first movie,

in 1954, was "Garden of Eden,"

which was a notorious
nudist-camp movie,

and then he was Dr. Baugh

in the original
Broadway production

of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"

and he later replaced
Burl Ives as Big Daddy

in that long run of the play.

Of course, we know him
as Lewis Vendredi

on the "Friday the 13th" series.

Or Diehl in
"Children of the Corn."

He did a whole lot of horror.

He did a whole lot
of everything.

-Well, R.G. had a great face.

And also, R.G.,
a really strong actor,

you know, and -- and fury is
a valuable tool a lot of times.

And listen, I --
R.G. was a sweet dude

when I was working with him.

I think I saw him
one other time before,

one other time afterwards,

and we were --
it was very pleasant.

When you're making a movie,
you've got to be able

to step on the gas
and show emotion,

and R.G. can do that, and,
you know, pretty organic.

I'll tell you, again, I'll have
to say it one more time,

"There's my fuckin' crowbar!"

[Laughter]

-Well, at the time
you made this movie

you were just 21 years old,

but today you have a resume

every bit as impressive as
R.G. Armstrong.

You've become one of those guys!

All right, how would you
describe your type?

-Earnest, unique face,

and not afraid to -- to show my
emotions on my sleeve.

I've always -- I've always
considered myself

somebody that,
"Well, you might as well!"

You know?
If it's time to kinda

go in a direction emotionally,
you might as well do it.

-Do people make you audition
for parts?

-Oh, yeah!

Oh, auditioning is something
that I think --

I think it's an important part
of an actor's life.

-Can't they just envision you

and know whether you're right
for the role?

-I don't mind auditioning --
of course,

it's always fun when someone
offers you a job.

I mean, you know,
it's one of those things,

if somebody wants to offer you
a job, great, I'll take it.

But I've been on the other side
of the camera,

and...
put it this way:

when you're having
a Fourth of July barbecue,

you don't go down to
the butcher shop and say,

"Get me some ribs
out of the back!"

I think that the producers,
if somebody wants to hire me,

they have every right
in the world to...

to take a look at me,
check out the goods,

I mean, basically, I'm --

I'm a piece of meat
in the butcher shop.

-Well, you're bein'
pretty modest --

it feels like most people
in Hollywood

know what they're gettin' when
they cast Clint Howard.

Well, what about you, Darcy?

Darcy is one of your biggest
fans, Clint,

so how would you describe
Clint's type?

-Oh, my God, talk about putting
me on the spot!

[Laughter]
I just -- I --

think what he said
is accurate --

we love that we -- you keep your
heart on your sleeve,

and your emotional
vulnerability.

-Exactly, that --
that's the word

I was gonna use, too --
you bring a vulnerability

no matter your role.

-Joe, I'm generally
pretty lazy.

Just in -- in all things.

To keep up a front,

to keep up a shield,

to me, it's too much work.

-Yeah.
-Why not do the surprising thing

and tell people
the friggin' truth?

You know?
I mean, and if --

if the truth is on my sleeve--

if the truth is -- is, you know,
uncomfortable,

or if the truth is --
is something

that isn't expected to come out
of my mouth,

well, then that's all the better
for me,

'cause I realized
a long time ago, you know,

uniqueness is what sells,
you know?

Cookie cutters, maybe in
soap operas years ago,

you know, c-certainly I was
never gonna compete with

John Travolta and, you know,
who else,

whoever else,
as far as leading man.

I w--
Kurt Russell or whatever.

No, I was gonna be Clint Howard,

the unique kind of
character actor

and I might as well
let that go completely,

and not guard my --
I -- I --

again, it comes back to
being lazy --

I just -- it would -- too much
trouble to guard myself.

-Well, you've done a good job of
exposing yourself, Clint.

-Ho, hey, ho!
Ho!

-All right, let's go back
to the movie.

It's about to get gnarly.

Roll it.

Y'know, R.G. Armstrong was from
North Carolina --

act--
actually Birmingham,

but he went to University
of North Carolina Chapel Hill

and was part of
the Carolina Playmakers,

which is the professional rep
company at UNC,

that's where he met
Andy Griffith,

and so he played
rednecks a lot.

He was in "White Line Fever,"

"Race With the Devil,"
"White Lightning."

But, um, I wrote this down
because this is amazing.

You know how on a weekly series

they will rarely cast
a character actor

more than once
in a guest role,

because, you know, you come
on one week as the bouncer,

they don't want the audience
to remember that

if you come
on the next week as a cop.

So, R.G. -- R.G. Armstrong could
transform himself

so successfully
into a different character

that the directors didn't care,
they knew he was a chameleon,

so listen to this --
he played

five different characters
on "Gunsmoke,"

three different characters
on "Bonanza,"

three different characters
on "The Fugitive,"

four different characters
on "Rawhide,"

three different characters
on "Perry Mason."

I believe they call that...

acting.

♪♪

[Indistinct chatter]

-Hey, Stanley,
where you been?

-More extra duty.
Got garbage detail next.

-Oh.
-You know?

-We're all heading out
to the field

to get things fixed up for
the rally tonight.

-I'll catch up with you later.
-All right.

-Hey!

Don't you have to drill today?

Here, take this bag
of bones for the pup.

Take it out of the arches.

Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Exhales]

Oh, how you doing, Freddy?

Got a little surprise for ya.

Yeah, from Jake's kitchen,
some Jake bones.

How 'bout that?

Just like he promised ya.

Oh, you like that, huh?

Well, I gotta get one thing,
and then I gotta go.

Enjoy!

Let's see, where is...

[Clattering,
ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Papers rustling]

♪♪

-Who in the hell is in here?

Huh?!

♪♪

[Thud]

♪♪

-Eh, that was probably
just Sarge.

Probably drunk again.

Yeah.
You're a good dog.

You gotta be quiet
so he can't year ya, all right?

All right?
Well, here.

You like this, huh?

♪♪

-[Sighs]
Cocksuckers.

[Exhales]

[Clunk]

[Whimpers]

-All right, you be a good boy
and tomorrow

I'll take ya out and let ya get
some fresh air, all right?

Now, you gotta be quiet, too.

♪♪

-What the hell are you
doing down here?

What is this place?

-Well, I -- I was gonna tell ya
about it.

-Tell me my ass!

There's my fuckin' crowbar!

You're the one that took it.

-No, no, I -- I borrowed it.

-And when I asked you,
you lied to me.

What else have you lied
to me about?

-That -- that's it.

-All you little bastards
laugh at me.

Don't you think that I know
that you make fun of me?

-I don't make fun of you!
-[Puppy yelping]

-Jesus Christ, you gotta
fuckin' dog down here, too!

[Puppy whimpering]

I had to bring him here.

I-I couldn't keep it in
the dorms.

I had to bring it here.

-Yeah.

Why not here?

Sarge, the animal,
lives in the cellar.

Why not a dog?

You lied to me.

You stole from me!

I'll show you.

-Please!

♪♪

-"Please."

♪♪

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Ominous choral music]

♪♪

-It's a good trick...

you little cocksucker.

♪♪

Now, I'm gonna show you...

I'm gonna show you

how I make a little boy

into a little girl.

You want to see that trick?

-Help! Help!
[Rapid beeping]

-Ain't nobody gonna hear you!
-Help!

-Ain't nobody gonna come
to help you, neither!

[Rapid beeping]

[Grunting, straining]

♪♪

[Beeping]

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

[Gurgling]

♪♪

[Bones cracking]

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Beeps]

-Did you look for Sarge
in his room?

-Yes, sir.
He is not there.

-Well, he's probably gone off on
one of his toots

to sleep it off somewhere --
he's done it before.

-Sir, I have got to talk to you
about Coopersmith.

[Indistinct cheering]

-Coach, I recognize
your problem,

but you have to understand
that when it comes to sports,

the philosophy of the academy
is to play everyone.

-Coopersmith, look at you!

Where the hell is your hat?!

-Sir...

-Private, your are
an embarrassment to the school.

-Sir, I been in the cellar.
-Look at him.

H-how the hell can I let him
represent us on the field, sir?!

-At ease, Coopersmith.

Private Coopersmith has been
cleaning out the cellar.

Coopersmith,
get yourself cleaned up.

-Sir...
-You are dismissed, private!

-And for Christ sake,
go get yourself

straightened up, will ya?!

-You see what I mean, Sir?

Geez!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Voices whispering
indistinctly]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Voices chanting in
foreign language]

[Ominous choral music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Growls]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rapid beeping]

[Snarling, grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Light switch clicks]

♪♪

[Snarling, grunting]

-[Sighs]

♪♪

[Humming softly]

[Snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Snorting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Chorus singing and chanting in
foreign language]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting]

-Okay, class,
what have we learned

after seeing a herd of wild pigs
do a home invasion

so they can devour the entire
body of the babealicious

Miss Friedemeyer,
played by Lynn Hancock.

Lynn Hancock
was Miss Yakima 1970,

had a recurring role
on the short-lived

"Nashville Palace" variety show,

and today teaches kickboxing

and puts out fitness videos from
somewhere in Washington state.

But I'm sorry to see her go,
aren't you, Clint?

-Eric had to cut a lot out of
that scene.

You may think that you're really
seeing a lot,

and actually,
if you really look at it,

there's not that many frames of
ac-- actual munching.

And, in fact, listen, like,
Eric --

Eric had about a
two-and-a-half-hour version

of this movie that I felt was
better and was much gorier,

but it was not just the gore
they had to cut out.

They had to cut out just things
for time and stuff.

But the pigs,
it got a lot nastier.

-So you're saying the movie was
better with more pig eating?

-Oh, yeah -- well, more...

women -- pigs eating women-meat.
-"Women meat"?

We're -- we're gonna need more
details, Clint.

-I -- I don't
want to get arrested.

-I know they dumped a lot of
pig food into the bath tub --

uh -- uh, what are
the pigs like?

That had to be nasty already.

-Wait -- it was
a low-budget movie,

that was craft service.

[Laughter]
Okay.

So, whatever was left on
the table at the end of the day

went into the pig trough.

What we've learned,
if I can sum it up,

is that if you use a knife
to carve into a pentagram book

from the 16th century,

the pigs will be unleashed --

remember "Release the Kraken!"

This is "Release the Porkers!"

And once they have digested
your carcass,

the book you attempted to deface
will vanish into thin air.

These are the rules, as set down

by screenwriter/director
Eric Weston.

And prior to that, we learned
that if a drunk janitor

attempts to avenge
his pilfered crowbar

by wringing the neck of a puppy,

an Apple II computer program

will recognize
the servant of Satan

who is kicking the janitor
in the nuts

and will emit
electrical impulses

that will paralyze
said janitor,

causing him to bleed
out of his mouth

as his neck is
cybertronically broken.

This Esteban guy --

played by Richard Moll,
by the way,

the bailiff on "Night Court,"

has some serious computer power.

Which is what I wanna talk
to you about next, Clint.

The computer stuff.

I saw an interview
with Eric Weston

where he said
the original script

was called "The Foundling,"

and it was about a guy
who summons the devil

from an old Satanic book --

so Eric's improvement was to
have you summon the devil

from a computer.

But his reasoning
is what interests me.

He said, "Nobody knew
what computers were.

It was before we had computers."

So, Clint, this was 1981,
can that possibly be true?

-Did you see the thing?!
Did you see the thing?!

The thing's giant,
for crying out loud!

And it was all writ in DOS,
I mean, it -- it --

In that regard, I gotta give
Eric a lot of credit.

-Wasn't there a 1969
Kurt Russell movie for Disney

called "The Computer
Wore Tennis Shoes"?

-Yeah, but the computer
in that movie

was the size of a couple of big
football players.

-All right, good point,

it was the dawn of
the personal computer,

in other words.

-The idea
that Eric came up with,

that you could conjure up
the devil or a demon

using a computer

was something -- first of all,

it blew past me when I first
read the script,

I just though, "Okay, well,
here's a device."

But it's a pretty
interesting thought.

It's a pretty
interesting thought,

and it -- you know, I know it's
been done a couple of times,

there's a -- you know,
a lot of --

there's a lot of, uh,
evil spirit kinda movies,

you can travel through
the Internet, stuff like that.

I knew we were gonna do better
than "Tron."

[Laughter]

I knew that, no matter what,
as long as I --

I think I may even have
mentioned that to Eric,

one time, when we were making
the movie,

before I saw any of
the computer graphics,

I said, "Please, Eric, it's
gotta be better than 'Tron'."

-When I first saw the movie
I thought it was just

cheesy, cheap special effects,

but the computer screen
of the Apple II,

I found out later, really did
look like that, didn't it?

-You know, they did a really
darn fine job

sort of giving it --
giving it life.

-What -- what was your
relationship with Don Stark,

who played Bubba,
the chief bully?

-Well, Don was very method,

and we did not talk at all when
we were workin' on the movie.

He treated me like, uh,
like -- like nothing.

And I was too intimidated to go
up and talk to him,

and the couple of times that I
may have come up and said "Hi,"

he just blew me off.

I don't think
he came out and said it,

but I could tell he was being
"Bubba" to me all the time.

He didn't want to be
friendly to me

and then -- and then have to go
and do a scene where,

you know, they pull my pants off
or something like that.

-You were okay with that,
though, right?

-Oh, sure, sure, listen,

whatever an actor's process is,
I'm willin' to go with it.

I'm not that way.

I get -- I get really serious
and concentrate

when we really
get into a moment.

But just when we're at lunch or
somethin' like that,

you know it's break time,
and it's time to screw around.

-Don would, of course,
go on to play

Bob Pinciotti in 200 episodes of
"That '70s Show."

Everybody in this movie
went on to long careers,

except the guy
who was already famous!

Haywood Nelson!

Who plays Kowalski,
the only cadet who likes you.

Did you ever see him again?

-Yes, he was -- he had been in
a TV series.

And -- but he had told me he was
getting ready to get out.

-Did you ever see him again?

-No.

-He was famous from the show
"What's Happening!!"

-"Hey, hey, hey, hey!"
I think that's what it was.

-Yeah!
Playing Dwayne.

He had been a child actor
for years, just like yourself,

but he went into the business
side of entertainment, I think.

-It happens a lot where people
just don't really have

an appetite for it.

You gotta have -- you gotta have
a pretty thick skin,

a-and you also need to be
prepared for rejection.

And, you know, again, the
business is not for everybody.

I've known several people
that I knew as juveniles

that said it at the time,

when they were --
when they hit 18,

they were gonna stop acting.

And so, you know, my --

I liked acting.

And I dunno, maybe I just,
you know,

bein' in an acting family,
and -- and the way Mom and Dad,

you know, raised us,
it was sorta like,

"Well, this is
too good to be true,

so let's just keep on doin' it."

-Okay, well, I'm dying to talk
about your big emotional scenes,

so let's get back
to the movie.

Roll the film.

I had a computer in the '70s
called a Lanier.

Nobody remembers --
does anybody remember this?

The Lanier No Problem.

All it did was word processing

but I thought
it was the coolest thing,

because I was
so sick of typewriters.

You know, Eric Weston points out
that this movie was written on

an IBM Selectric,
you know?

I hated the IBM Selectric!

But there was an even worse one
called the Underwood Upright,

which is what they made you use
when you worked at a newspaper.

And the day I got
my Lanier No Problem,

I threw my Underwood Upright
out a third-story window

just to get the satisfaction
of seeing it

shatter into two dozen pieces
on the sidewalk.

So -- then a couple of years ago
I'm at this event in Brooklyn,

at a combination screening
room/coffeehouse kinda deal,

and people are in there using
Underwood Uprights!

What is that?!

What's wrong with you people?!

Underwood Uprights that they
bought online

for, like, 200 bucks because
they're vintage or someth--

Why stop there?

Why not just use
a quill fucking pen?!

[Panting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ominous, indistinct whispering
and chanting]

-Hey, Coopersmith!

You all right?

Where you been?

Look, the judging's
about to begin.

Come on.

-Oh, yeah.

-Let's go.

♪♪

-So, will the next
Miss Heavy Artillery

be Miss Patty?

[Fanfare, applause]

♪♪

Hold it!
Hold it down.

Come on, now.

Will it be Miss Baker?

[Cheering and applause]

♪♪

Or, will it be Miss Gallagher?

[Cheering and applause]

♪♪

[Cheering and applause
continue]

♪♪

I think it's pretty obvious,
don't you?

And I think that
we can safely say

that the next
Miss Heavy Artillery

is...

Miss Baker!

[Cheering and applause]

♪♪

[Indistinct]

[Cheering and applause
continue]

♪♪

♪♪

Now, I want you to do a good job
on old John Paul Jones,

and tomorrow, I want you
to do the same thing to Navy!

[Cheering and applause]

[Band playing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct shouts
and cheering]

[Band playing,
woman giggling]

♪♪

-M-miss Kelly?

-You want something?

-I just wanted t-to say...

Well, t-to tell you...

I-I'm sorry.

I thought you were the best...

O-out there...

I-I thought you should've won.

-[Chuckles]

-No, no, really!

I thought you should've won!

-You really mean that,
don't you?

-I do.
I-I do.

♪♪

-Well, well, well.

Look what we've got here.

Our ace soccer player.

Getting high, Cooperdick?

-Hey, leave him alone, Bubba.

-Sure, I'll leave him alone,

but I'm benching you
for smoking dope.

[Laughing]

-You can't do that!

Th-the coach says
everybody gets to play!

Th-that's what sports are for,
to make us well-rounded!

-I'll make you well-rounded
Cooperdick.

-If you guys try anything,
you're gonna be sorry!

-Oh, yeah?

Let's see how it looks
without the pants.

-You guys, leave him alone!

-Shut up!
-Cut it out!

I'm gonna --
you guys are gonna pay for this!

-Hey, Cooperdick, you're gonna
pay for this!

You think that we're gonna lose
this game because of you,

you got another thing coming.

You so much as show your face,

and I will bust you in half!

-I'm gonna play!

You can't stop me.
I'll go to the Colonel!

-You do that, Cooperdick.

You do that,

and it's your funeral --

and your little dog.

I know he's down there
in the cellar somewhere.

-And I'm gonna make sausage
out of him, Cooperdick!

[Mimicking dog yelping]

-You guys touch my dog,

God help me,
you're gonna get it!

♪♪

♪♪

-Coopersmith!

What is the meaning of this?

This is the last straw, private.

Not only are you not going
to play in the game tomorrow,

but as of now,
you are off the team.

[Laughter, shushing]

-Shh!

[Laughter]

-Hey, where you going?
Where you going?

-Shhh! Where the hell does it
look like I'm going?

-Well, what if Sarge shows up?

-Where the hell you been, man?

Sarge went over the hill.

-Okay, party time tonight.

[Band playing outdoors]

-[Clears throat, chuckles]

Oh, God, what's with the dry
hump routine?

-It's not gonna be dry for long.

[Barking]

-What's that?

-Um, it's a rat.

The cellar's loaded with rats.

-Since when do rats bark?

[Both laughing]

♪♪

Hey?

Cut it out, Bubba!

[Barking]
Shh!

It's coming from over in there.

[Howl echoes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

-Oh, man, check this out!

-[Screaming]
Welcome!

To the kingdom of evil!

[Laughing]

There's no turning back once
the gates of hell are closed!

Not bad, huh?

-Hey, how about a little less
talk and a little more beer?

-Beer?
Here ya go.

-Yeah, give her a beer.
-Hey, save one of those for me.

-What is all this?

-Looks like black magic.

-Let's have a black mass
and invite the devil.

[Laughing]
-Hey, come take a look at this.

It's in Latin.

-Hey man, you can't even
read English.

Let me look at that.

Whoa!
[Laughter]

You're all right.
You're all right.

Let me look at this.

-Wow!
Check this out.

Look out.

[Beeping, dog yelping]

-Look what I found.

-What?

-Isn't it cute?

-What is it?
-Aww!

-That must be the devil's dog.

Devil's dog?
Well, I sure am hungry!

-Stop it!
-Hey, hey!

You're always hungry.
Yeah!

Hey, look at that.

That must be Coopersmith's dog.

-Bubba! Stop it.

-Sweet little thing.

-Well, let's have another look
at this computer.

Holy shit.

This is weird.

Watch this.

Hocus pocus, Satan!

[Laughing]
Come out wherever you are.

♪♪

[Beeping]

Look man, this thing says that
we need a consecrated host.

Why don't you make yourself
useful and go get me one,

all right?
-I'm not gonna commit
no sacrilege, Bubba.

♪♪

-Oh-ho-ho,
the hell with you guys.

-Ever cast a spell before,
Bubba?

[Laughs, yells]

-Or is this your first time?

-Well, you see...

that we need
to sacrifice to the devil.

See, we need
a little virgin blood.

I guess that
leaves you out, kid.

[Chuckles]

-Well, how would you know,
hot shot?

-Ooh.

♪♪

Well, I guess we're gonna have
to have an animal sacrifice.

-Stop kidding around, Bubba!

-Do I look like
I'm kidding to you?!

Give me that knife.
-What're you gonna do with it?

-Just give me the knife!
-Stop him, Ox!

-Warned Cooperdick.

-That's enough, Bubba!
-Get!

-shut up!

Bubba knows what he's doing,
right, Bubba?

-Don't, Bubba!

-[Whispering]
Kill, kill, kill, kill.

Kill, kill, kill, kill.

Kill, kill,
kill, kill.

Kill, kill!

-Do it!
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill!

Kill, kill, kill, kill!
-Do it!

-Kill, kill, kill, kill.
-Do it, Goddamn it!

[Screams]

[Beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Beeping]

-Clint, they killed your puppy!

-Fred...
We were a team!

We were a team, Fred!

-Isn't there some unwritten rule
in the movies

that you don't kill dogs?

-I don't think so.

Didn't they kill Old Yeller?

They didn't gut him
like a fish.

They gutted Fred like a fish!

Of course I'm gonna get
possessed and kill all

the motherfuckers!

-Okay.
-They killed Fred!

I'll tell you what, it --

Joe Bob, that was a scene
I did not have to rehearse.

-Really?
-I -- in fact,

it -- I -- and I'm not gonna
allow myself to do it here,

but I could cry right now
thinkin' about Fred.

-Really?!

-Yeah, yeah -- and, in fact,

you know, sometimes --
listen,

I always try to be organic
with emotion.

Um, there's a couple of
instances in my life

where I have been in a scene
that has drawn

so much emotion organically,

that I have used it
later on in my career.

There's been times in my career
as an adult,

if I've needed to cry
and I'm not quite feelin' it,

I'll think about that scene
from "Evilspeak."

You know, the little dog
didn't deserve it.

-Wow.
Clint, why do the bullies

keep going down into
the church basement?

Isn't that your secret place?!

-I -- I dunno, maybe I had
a beer tap down there,

I don't know, I -- they --
well, listen, they were drunk,

they make bad decisions --
kids make bad decisions

when they drink,
for cryin' out loud!

"Don't go that way!
Don't open the door!"

Of course they're going to
their death,

but at least they had
a six pack.

-Also, are you surprised
that this movie became

one of the Video Nasties --

the banned movies in England?

-Oh, you know by that point...

I just get a big chuckle
outta that.

-It doesn't seem
nasty enough to me.

M-maybe it's all the beheadings.

Or just the fact
that it's church-related,

anti-religion.

-They had to edit a lot,
you know,

the -- the MPAA was gonna
originally give it

an X rating.

And they had to go back,

'cause they couldn't release it
as an X-rated film.

They had to go back and --
and take quite a bit out.

In fact, R.G. Armstrong,
when he pulls

Bubba's heart out of his --
out of his chest,

um, i-it -- like,
Spielberg did it,

and, um, oh, what was the --
his movie with Harrison Ford?

"Indiana Jones" -- they do it in
"Indiana Jones"!

And they show the whole thing.

And -- but they complained about
"Evilspeak,"

they had to cut --
they could only show

a certain amount of frames.

-I guess when you're Spielberg,

they let you show as much heart
as you want.

I almost forgot to
ask you earlier --

why did you have to wear
a toupee in the movie?

-Oh!
I was bald!

[Laughter]

I st-- I -- by the time I was 18
I could get into casinos.

I'd slick my hair back;
I was --

I was losing my hair when I was
16 or 17 years old.

-When did you stop using toupees
and just say,

"Here I am, Clint Howard!"

-[Sighs]

I used a toupee
on "Night Shift."

-Which was when, 198--?

-'82, '83.

I probably --

Well, I'll tell you what,
technically I used a toupee

on a movie that I did called
"Planet Ibsen,"

but I had a full head of hair.

I mean, the character needed to
have a full head of hair.

For a little while
I had a toupee,

I wouldn't wear it in public,

but I would wear it
for opportunities --

auditions and stuff,

and it was just
a little tiny patch,

you know, it wasn't --
-Right.

-I mean, it's sad,

but, I mean,
I had it for a long time.

But my "Evilspeak" toupee was
only about this big.

And, I mean,

now I'd have to have one,
you know, like this big.

[Laughs]

-All right, Clint,
I want you to stay with us

for one more segment because
this would not be complete

if I couldn't ask you
about this fire-filled,

effects-filled,
pig-filled finale.

-It's a biggie!
It's a biggie!

-All right,
roll the film.

Most military academies --

this is a little known fact --

really do have a bikini pageant
called Miss Heavy Artillery.

What's really funny,
if you talk to the actors

who were involved in this movie,
most of them say,

"I had no idea
what to think about it.

I just did my part and assumed
it would make sense later."

And it sort of does.

Anyway.

Miss Heavy A --
Heavy Artillery

is not to be confused
with Miss Custom Body,

which we had at the World
Drive-In Movie Festival

and Custom Car Rally in Dallas.

Two years in a row
we picked Miss Custom Body,

and whoever won
Miss Custom Body

did not show up
with her custom body.

Like, the pageant was one day
and the award was the next day,

and they would decide
they didn't wanna be

Miss Custom Body,
after all.

So, I have no idea why.

I suck at beauty pageants.

♪♪

[Bell tolling]

[Ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Fred?

♪♪

♪♪

Fred?

♪♪

♪♪

Fred?!

[Ragged breath]
Fred?!

[Panting]

♪♪

-Good morning!

All right, all right, all right.

[Whistle toots]
Let me have your attention now.

Come on.
Hey, uh...

[Toilet flushes]

Where's Coopersmith?

-[Laughing]
Maybe he got the message!

-Keep your mouth shut.

-What message?

-We were a team, Fred!

We were a team!

♪♪

♪♪

-Well, if he's, uh, AWOL,
he'll be punished.

Now...

I want all of you guys down
at the chapel in 10 minutes!

Out of here!
Let's go!

[Indistinct shouting
and whooping]

-What message?

-Arf, arf.

[Ox laughs]

[Imitates dog barking]

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Pulsing, ominous music]

♪♪

♪♪

[Choral chanting]

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Explosion]

♪♪

[Warbling]

♪♪

[Chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

-Jake, have you
seen Coopersmith?

I've been looking
all over for him.

-Hey!

Anything wrong?

-Yeah, maybe.

[Door opens, closes]

-[Singing in Latin]

[Lid clatters]

-Coopersmith?

[Footsteps receding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Bubba! Bubba?

-Yeah, we're gonna win tonight!

[Indistinct chatter]

-Get your hats.

[Indistinct chatter]

♪♪

-Coopersmith?

♪♪

[Low whisper]

♪♪

[Rustling]
Coopersmith?

♪♪

Coopersmith?

[Muttering]

♪♪

Coopersmith?

♪♪

♪♪

[Urgent stage-whisper]
Coopersmith!

♪♪

[Keys clacking]

♪♪

[Low moan]

[Beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaking]

♪♪

-Coopersmith!

What the devil do you think
you're doing?!

I am putting you on report!

[Beeping, music crescendo]

♪♪

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God!

[Screaming]

♪♪

-Before you go out to play
the game of your lives,

little soldiers,

I want to talk to you
about another game...

the game of life.

I know a lot of you soccer jocks
think it's okay to go out there

and try to pull one over on the
referee when he's not watching,

but I'm here to tell you
that nobody...

I mean nobody

pulls anything over
on the "Head Referee"

in the big game.

And that's what really
is important.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Shudders]

[Chorus chanting]

♪♪

Satan!

[Beeping]

Satan!

♪♪

Satan!

[Cracking, explosion]

♪♪

-Guys, each time you go
to the trough of sin

with gluttony and lust,
like pigs,

you're being coached by Satan.

And if you care to check
the standings,

he's got a losing record.

-I command you,
prince of evil, heed my call.

Give life to the instruments
of my retribution.

[Beeping, warbling]

♪♪

[Ominous choral music]

♪♪

♪♪

Imbue these creatures
with your strength and force.

Let them avenge me,

and I will pledge my soul
to you

and serve you
for all eternity.

-So when the big Score Keeper,

you know, the Guy up there...

when he adds up the ledger
between good and evil...

you, uh...you better be on
the winning side of this,

or just...

or there will be hell
to pay.

♪♪

[Dripping]

♪♪

[Faint heartbeat]

♪♪

[Low choral music intensifies]

♪♪

[Scattered gasps]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Warbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-Coopersmith!
Coopersmith!

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Screaming]

[Squealing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Help me!
Get away from --

[Snorting]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Sobbing]

[Crash, screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunting, munching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Pounding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

-[Shuddering]

♪♪

[Snorting, grunting, squealing]

-[Gasping, panting]

[Squealing, screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Grunting, snorting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Coughing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bubba screaming]

♪♪

[Heartbeat]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crashes]

[Choral chanting concludes]

♪♪

[Heartbeat]

[Beeping, warbling]

[Beeping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Chorus chanting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Clint! I have never seen a more
obvious set-up for a sequel.

The movie made 10 million bucks
on an investment of one million.

What happened?

-The rights of the movie --

from my understanding
that I developed with Eric,

I mean, 'cause I think he tried
a little bit,

is the rights got tied up;

the ownership of the movie
got tied up.

So, when you make a movie,
you have to own it.

You know, and Sylvio Tabet was,
I think, Syrian,

um, and he sold it over in
the Middle East,

and so the question
of Lebanese --

I think there was --
no, Sylvio was Lebanese.

Um, but there -- the question of
ownership became a thing,

and, you know, a bank can't fund
a movie

that they can't guarantee
it's theirs.

Eric and I, years ago,

talked about trying to figure
out a way to -- to do it,

update it -- we have to have
a new Stanley Coopersmith,

and I can be -- I can be --
play my age and play myself,

that's one thing I feel like,
in horror movies,

um, I could be
Stanley Coopersmith

as a 55-year-old guy.

You know? But to be the center
of a horror movie at 55,

I just think is --
is not good.

-I disagree.

If George C. Scott
could pull it off

in his later years,
I think you could too.

So, um, anyway,
the death of the Latin teacher.

You throw him straight up
and impale him

on some kind
of chandelier torture device?

-That was my idea,
actually, on the set.

-Really?
-Yeah, they had not --

they had a lame way
of killing him,

and I said, listen,
if we can buy the fact that

I am now becoming possessed,

with super-human strength,

let's do something.

And we saw these chandeliers,

they were hanging
all over the place,

it wasn't just one,

and -- and the -- the stunt man

was able to rig it up after
that, during lunch break.

So it didn't cost us
a lot of time,

and I know it doesn't look
the greatest,

but it was something I --
I voted for that!

-Using your demonic powers,

you impale him in reverse of how
gravity would dictate

you impale somebody.

-"Coopersmith, what in the devil
do you think you're doing?!"

-Speaking of which,

how do the doors
to the church get locked?

Did Satan lock the doors?

-Yeah, oh, Satan's got
the padlocks from hell.

-Why do you become pig faced?

-I -- you mean,
in the transition?

-Yeah, there's a transition
where there's a --

there's a pig face
and then there's your face.

-There was a sale on pigs in
hell, I don't know!

I -- it was a --
they had built this --

they had built the mask,
and the mask actually

didn't look all that pig-like,

it comes off looking pig-like
on film,

but when we did this effect,

and we did it with mirrors,

and we were all in the same room
together, doing it with mirrors,

it was really old-school that
Irv had come up with.

He was sitting over here,

and the -- the camera was
shooting through a 60% mirror,

and they turned up the light,
and they lit him --

it was all pretty tricky,
but it was pretty fun --

now it would just be done CG.

-Right.
-And they had a little snake.

They spent more time trying to
get this little snake

to come out of
the mouth of the pig.

I don't know whether you even
see it on film,

but there's a little --
there's a little tiny snake,

it was probably a wasted bit,

and they, you know,
had to have a snake herder

or whatever you call 'em.

-And maybe the most famous image

is when you're floating through
the church.

Was that uncomfortable?

How did they do that?

-That was one of the --
that was the day that was

more than 24 hours long.

And they would -- they hooked me
into the harness for...

oh, I dunno, you know, an hour
at a time to do setups.

And, um, yes, it w-- it was
Christopher Reeves's harness

from the original "Superman."

And it was just --
it was old school,

it was leather with bolts
and wires.

And actually, outside of
pinching a little bit,

I remember, you know, not being
on my feet was pleasant.

So that was pretty good.

The -- the one thing about that
final "Evilspeak" scene,

when I --
when I kill the colonel,

the heads are made out of
plaster of Paris, you know,

and they -- and these effects
guys take pride in

having everything
really cool,

and the -- that was the first
head splitting, was Kincaid.

And I have the sword,
and I raise it over my head,

and I bang it down on the --
the puppet, y'know,

and it -- the sword just bounced
off the -- the --

plaster of Paris -- really
embarrassing for me,

because I'm, you know, consider
myself kind of an athlete,

and the crew laughed,
you know --

"Oh, I can't break the skull,"

so I saw there was
a sledgehammer

over behind the camera,

and I grabbed that sledgehammer
and I swung it a few times,

and in the scene
that's in the film,

I split his head,
just goes, "Pshh!"

Well, that was fully prepped --

it was like swinging a weighted
bat in the on-deck circle.

-Most people who see this movie
don't realize that

you really did destroy
a real church.

-It was sort of sad.

We were shooting, uh,

where the 105 freeway
was gonna get built,

through central Los Angeles --
it wasn't a great part of town;

in fact, our security guards
that day had shotguns.

-Whoa!
-We worked two days
down at this church.

And this church was condemned
and was going to be torn down,

and the producers found out
about it, and they said,

"Wait, before ya tear it down,
can we burn it?!"

You know, so they went in there

and fixed it up
to make it look pretty good,

now, it was all show business
fixing-up,

nothing was real, you know,

but they made it look good.

Well, the old minister,

who had been there for years
and years and years

at this church,
he came by and saw the building,

he dropped down on his knees,
and he said, "Praise the Lord!

My church has been repaired!"

And nobody had --

He's an old Black guy -- nobody
had the heart to tell him,

"Well, yeah, you know,
we repaired it,

we're gonna burn it down
tomorrow night."

-Oh, no, that poor guy.

-And I'll tell you what,
it was quite --

it was quite the shot when they
burned it to the ground,

'cause they had
multiple cameras going,

they had cameras -- now, they --
this is not videotape,

so you -- it's not like the --
anything was being fed --

somebody had to go in there
and grab those cameras

and pull them out
after all the fire.

I mean, that fire engulfed
the entire building.

And it was -- I mean,
I was not inside the building,

and of course, when the big
cross fell -- boom! --

-Yeah --
-But that's all live.

That's all --
that really happened.

And you -- that -- again,
that was one of the t--

that was the day
that was over 24 hours.

-Right.
-And, um, I -- you know,

I think I made $2,000 on
overtime that day.

-Wow.
-I was just making scale.

I mean, it was
a phenomenal amount,

I was really happy for it.

-Okay, well, Clint, thank you
for being with us,

you can come back any time.

Way back when you were on my old
show, you know,

with "Ice Cream Man" --
Darcy's favorite film.

-You know, that was filmed
on the soundstage

that "The Andy Griffith Show"
was shot at.

-Really?
That's what we were using?

-Yeah -- when I drove up,

because you guys provided a car
for me,

the car came and picked me up
and drove me,

and I didn't know where it was,

and the next thing I knew,

I was driving onto
the Desilu lot.

-Right there by
the Burbank airport.

I remember.

-A-and we drove in there,
and I go,

"My God, this is kismet here,
this is weird."

And not only was it on
the same soundstage --

I mean, it was on the same lot,
it was on the same soundstage.

Now, you guys had your --
your little kitchen set up

on the opposite side from where

"The Andy Griffith Show"
had theirs set.

But that's a weird one.

-Well, you know, Clint,
on my original show,

"Joe Bob's Drive-In Theater,"

we were building our set
and realized that

the flats we were using on that

were "The Honeymooners" flats
in the old DuMont Studios,

so we've used
"The Honeymooners" stage

and the "Andy Griffith" stage.

-You're part of
the Hollywood lexicon,

and that means you're getting
close to being

an old dinosaur barnacle
like me.

-Oh, I've been that
for a while now, Clint.

Well, we'll have to
have you back

for one of your other movies,

maybe do
"Ice Cream Man" again,

I don't think we'll be showing
"The Red Pony,"

but there are lots more
to choose from.

Two hundred and fifty roles
to choose from!

-And don't forget "Ticks"!

-How could I forget "Ticks"?!

-The insect,
not the mammary gland.

-Okay, thank you, Clint!

-Well, I'm glad to be on,
it's great,

thanks for showing "Evilspeak."

-Most of the exteriors
of "Evilspeak"

were filmed at
the Santa Barbara Mission,

which runs
a Catholic high school

that was having a bad spell
at the time,

so they were grateful
for the money.

The basement and dungeon area
of the church

was a set they built in
a warehouse

in Chatsworth, California.

And I neglected to mention that
the great Charles Tyner

as the colonel --
always played nasty guys.

The movie was censored
so many times,

and so many cuts
were demanded by the MPAA,

that there are infinite
versions of it.

As Eric Weston put it,

"More cuts than
a deli meat counter."

And I think we're showing
the version that ended up

in the Blu-ray release.

And it was one of the favorite
movies of Anton LaVey,

founder of the Church of Satan.

They do not put that
in the publicity materials.

And Eric Weston would go on
to direct many more movies,

of every genre you can imagine,
"Marvin and Tige,"

John Cassavetes
and Billy Dee Williams movie;

"The Iron Triangle,"
Vietnam pic with Beau Bridges,

"Pressure Point" --
Michael Madsen;

"Cover Story"
with Elizabeth Berkley

and Jason Priestley,

"Hitters" with Robert Davi
and Costas Mandylor,

"The Dukes,"

Robert Davi, Chazz Palminteri,
Peter Bogdanovich is in that;

"Hyenas" -- actually that's
another horror movie he made;

I said he didn't make another
horror movie --

he made one more,
about shape shifters;

"The Prometheus Project,"

"The Encore of Tony Duran"
with Elliott Gould.

Eric Weston cannot be described.

But, Eric, we're waiting
on the sequel to "Evilspeak."

Darcy!
Oh, wow!

Or I should say
Miss Heavy Artillery.

Good job.

Clint Howard was as awesome
as you said he'd be.

-Oh, my God,
he's just amazing.

-You can't have enough
Clint Howard.

Thoughts on "Evilspeak"?

-Clint is so frickin' adorable
in this movie,

and it should automatic get
an extra star

for showing
Clint Howard Booty.

-We saw Clint Howard's booty?!

-Oh, yeah, we did.

-Well, it already got
four stars,

I can't go
any higher than that.

-That actually reminds me,
some fans suggested that you add

another "B"
to your three B's.

-I already did,
i-in the drive-in totals.

I added "bewtocks."

I noted the eight bewtocks
in the shower scene.

-You did, but they want you to
put it in

the official Drive-In Oath.

-Like bro-- Blood, Breasts,
Beasts and Bewtocks?

They want that in
the Drive-In Oath?

-Or --
-Might mess up
John Brennan's song.

-Or Booty.
The fourth "B" could be booty.

-Fourth -- okay,
so it would be like...

it would be like 1954,

when they officially changed

the words of
the Pledge of Allegiance.

They, I mean, it would --
-Exactly.

-It would be that big of a step.
-It would.

-You know, I -- I don't want
the Drive-In Oath

becoming all about sex, though.

-It's up to you.

I'm just telling you there are
a few people out there

who would like
to see a fourth B.

-All right, I --
if I keep adding B's

we'll have to put in boners.
-Yeah, we should!

-But you liked the movie?

-All except the doggie part,

that one's really hard
to watch.

If I was Clint, I'd go all
John Wick on my classmates too.

-All right, well,
the motion, uh -- um...

the motion to change
the Drive-In Oath

is going to
the Drive-In Oath committee.

And so, we'll -- we'll take that
under advisement.

-Who's on the committee?
-I see you have some mail

for me?
-Who's on the committee?

-We don't have time right now
to list all the members

of the Drive-In Oath committee.
-Okie-dokie.

-I see you have some mail.
-Yes, I do.

This one was actually a direct
message to me on Twitter,

from Michael Haines
of Lebanon, Pennsylvania.

-This was on Twitter?
-Mm-hmm.

-Okay: "During one of my
family's trips

from New Hampshire
to Pennsylvania,

we stopped at a motel
showing The Movie Channel.

My father and I saw someone
introducing a movie,

and my father thought
what the host said

to be amusing and humorous.

This was how I first encountered
Joe Bob Briggs."

The Movie Channel is a long
time ago.

Did they have motels back then?

"Later, I was excited to see him
on 'Monstervision.'

I became excited when
I recognized Joe Bob Briggs

when watching 'Casino'.

I missed the experience
of 'Monstervision'

and was excited
to see Joe Bob

appearing on 'Cinemassacre'
for an interview."

That was just two years ago when
I was on 'Cinemassacre.'

"I had first started using
Shudder when it was in beta.

It was around the time
Dario Argento

was trying to raise funds
for 'The Sandman'

and I was introduced
to Fandor.

What drew me to Shudder
was access to Argento's work

and giallo films.

Later, after I returned
to Shudder...

there it was, an announcement
of 'The Last Drive-In'.

I was excited but also sad
that it was ending.

So I was thrilled to see that

it was going to continue
as a weekly series.

My family is dead
and I am in Pennsylvania now,

and the show has been something
that has been a bright spot

while horrible things
have been occurring.

I now sort of plan my week
around it.

One of the things
I look forward to most

is Joe Bob's jokes
at the end of each segment."

Well, gosh, Michael,
I'm sorry to hear that --

is this a fr-- this is
a friend of yours?

-We've talked on Twitter
a couple times.

-Okay, well when someone asks me
to tell a joke --

this happens quite a bit --

I have to decide
whether it's a short-joke person

or a long-j-joke person.

So what do you think?

-I think he's definitely
a long-joke person.

-Okay, I'll tell
a long joke tonight.

But, uh, stay with us for
"Day of the Beast,"

our second Satanic classic
of the evening.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

reminding you that
every path you take

has a few puddles.

The drive-in will never die.

Okay, this joke is dedicated
to you, Michael.

Don't try this one at home.

One day Farmer Jones
walks into town

to pick up
supplies for his farm.

Stops by the hardware store
and picks up a bucket

and an anvil.

And then he stops by
the livestock dealer

to buy a couple of chickens,
and a goose.

Now Farmer Jones has a problem.

How can he carry home a bucket,

an anvil, two chickens
and a goose?

Livestock dealer says,
"It's easy.

You just put the anvil
in the bucket,

carry the bucket in one hand,
put a chicken under each armpit,

and carry the goose
in your other hand."

Farmer Jones says,
"Thanks! You're right!"

So, anvil in the bucket,
bucket in one hand,

chicken under each arm,
goose in the other hand.

So, on the way home,

Farmer Jones encounters
a beautiful woman.

Beautiful woman
tells him she's lost,

but she needs to get to
1515 Mockingbird Lane.

The Farmer says,
"Well, as a matter of fact,

I have to stop at my brother's
house at 1516 Mockingbird Lane.

So come on, we can take a
shortcut down this alley.

We'll save half the time
to get there."

Beautiful woman says,
"I don't know about

going down that alley.

How do I know you won't
hold me up against the wall,

pull down my skirt,
and ravish me?"

And the Farmer says, "Well, look
at me, I'm carrying a bucket

with an anvil in it,
two chickens and a goose.

How could I possibly hold you up
against the wall?"

Beautiful woman says,
"Set the goose down,

put the bucket over the goose,

put the anvil
on top of the bucket,

and I'll hold the chickens."

[Laughter]

-I think he was
a short-joke person.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Slow beat]

-♪ You were the Ice Cream Man ♪

♪ And an alien
on "Star Trek" ♪

-♪ You stole the show
in "Parenthood" ♪

♪ And "Pauly Shore Is Dead" ♪

-♪ You rocked in
"Rock 'n' Roll High School" ♪

-♪ You played Tourist
in "Leprechaun 2" ♪

-♪ Your name was Slinky
in "Tango & Cash" ♪

♪ And you were Ricco
in "Backdraft" ♪

♪ We all love you ♪

♪ You're the best ♪

♪ A legendary actor ♪

♪ With great success ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we thank you
for being here ♪

♪ On "The Last Drive-In" ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we celebrate
your career ♪

♪ And know
you'll keep thrivin' ♪

♪ For everything
that you do ♪

♪ We just want to thank you ♪

♪ For bein' you ♪

♪♪

♪ You were brilliant in
"Evilspeak" ♪

♪ So stellar in "Apollo 13" ♪

-♪ Houston, we have no problem ♪

♪ Anytime you're on the screen ♪

-♪ We all love you ♪

♪ You're the best ♪

♪ A legendary actor ♪

♪ With great success ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we thank you
for being here ♪

♪ On "The Last Drive-In" ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we celebrate
your career ♪

♪ And know
you'll keep thrivin' ♪

-♪ Clint Howard, we wanna
thank you, boy ♪

♪ Clint Howard,
we wanna thank you, boy ♪

♪ Clint Howard, we wanna
thank you, boy ♪

♪ Clint Howard,
we wanna thank you, boy ♪

♪ Singin' sha-na-na-na,
sha-na-na-na ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Clint Howard ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na,
sha-na-na-na ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Clint Howard ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na,
sha-na-na-na ♪

-Brother Clinty,
you're the best!

-♪ Clint Howard ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na,
sha-na-na-na ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Clint Howard ♪

-♪ For everything
that you do ♪

-♪ Everything that you do ♪

-♪ We just want to thank you ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ For bein' you ♪

[Choir vocalizing]

-♪ We wanna thank you,
Clint ♪

♪ We wanna thank you ♪

-♪ Oh, Clint Howard ♪

-♪ For who you are ♪

-♪ Clint Howard ♪

-♪ We wanna thank you, boy ♪