Original subtitles

[Static crackles]

-Darcy.

You aren't going to believe this.

You know what I have here?

-What? -It came in. We have a...

It's the real one. It's the original.

This thing is worth $5,000.

-I don't think it's worth anything, really.

-Well, maybe it's not worth anything

because you can't buy it.

I mean, there's only, you know, three in existence.

-It's like -- -Three too many.

Don't touch it.

[Laughter]

Every once in a while,

a film comes along that defies the laws of physics,

logic, cinematography, common sense, and art itself.

This film seeps into your skin like cheap grape jelly

past its expiration date and leaves you broken,

sobbing on your phone to your best friend,

consulting the authorities on the best way

to rearrange your synapses

so that it can be erased from your brain scape.

Sometimes a film explodes with so many non sequiturs,

smash cuts, and cheesy special effects

that you end up hating yourself for watching it

and yet proud of yourself for surviving it.

"Things" is such a film.

Back in the late '80s and early '90s

when video stores were still thriving,

"Things" was everywhere.

In a world where amateur filmmaking was still the sort of

thing that usually ended with broken dreams,

half finished projects, and parents forcing their little

auteur to get a job and stop wasting their money,

two men in Toronto,

specifically the Scarborough neighborhood of Toronto,

defied the odds and got one of the cheapest,

most inept films ever made into video stores

all over North America.

You were about to be assaulted by "Things."

If you've never seen it before, you're going to hate it.

If you've seen it once,

you're wondering why you should ever watch it again.

But if you've seen it twice or more,

then you're a VHS pervert who knows that it spawned

more drinking games and late night conversation

than movies that cost one million percent more to make.

And I'm using that number precisely.

"Things" is grainy, out of focus, badly lit,

badly acted, dubbed with voices that don't match the movements

on the actors mouths, full of static distortion,

sections where the sound drops out entirely,

long sequences where characters are drinking beer,

telling nonsensical stories, or simply walking around bathrooms

with flashlights, full of trite dialogue,

hard to follow, starring a mullet head

with a mustache so bad half of it falls off

in one of his scenes, with a Casio keyboard soundtrack

used to accompany entire subplots about needing to pee

without disturbing the paper mâché ant creature

with fangs, crab legs, and pincer jaws

that may or may not be hiding in the bathtub,

all while the cast tosses off one liners

about Aleister Crowley, Salvador Dali,

and why it would have been better for a brother

to have been born as a midget.

[Laughter]

Just when you think all of these elements

are about to make your brain throb

like a giant blister about to burst,

you'll suddenly start asking philosophical questions

such as, why is the father look the same age as his daughter?

Why is porn star Amber Lynn giving us news updates

between scenes?

Is this an actual film?

Maybe it's a dream.

Maybe I'm on drugs, and this is my punishment

for just saying yes.

-Why did that guy get a tape recorder out of

the fridge and then put his jacket into the freezer?

Why is everybody drunk or stoned in every scene?

Why am I getting a headache trying to understand the plot?

Is there a plot?

What is that?

Why is he doing that?

What is he holding in his hand?

When will the mustachioed mullet man in the blue knit

pullover sweater stop fighting off the giant rubber ants

that came out of his brother's wife's womb

after she was inseminated with toxic fertility drugs

by a sadistic scientist who can't stop smiling?

[Laughter]

When will this be over?

Yes, you'll be asking all of these questions and more,

but fortunately for you,

I'll be here to guide you through it all.

And a little later, we're going to have

one of our special friends of the show,

our favorite Canadian, you know who I'm talking about,

join us from his home in Tampa

to explain the overarching philosophy of things

and the reasons it became a cult favorite among

video hounds and lovers of "worst movies in history" lists.

Now, I don't want to call it the worst movie in history.

I mean, I do, but I won't,

because every time I think I've seen the worst movie ever made,

someone comes along to outdo it.

So let's just say we're going to meet "Things"

on its own terms.

So bring out the alcoholic beverage of your choice.

We're doing a shot every time somebody grabs a beer,

a shot every time somebody gets attacked

by a caterpillar with teeth,

and we're going to keep a stack of cheese sandwiches

on the table in front of us to be consumed in their entirety

during the infamous extended make a sandwich sequence.

We're going to buck up,

we're going to fortify ourselves with "Last Drive In" stamina,

which we've honed through hundreds of hours

of enduring the detritus of horror culture.

And we're going to survive and prevail, right, Darcy?

-Hell, yeah! I've got the cheese sandwiches.

I got the beer. We're ready to rock.

-Darcy the Mail Girl will be fielding your plaintive cries

for help on Twitter, on Instagram, through e-mail,

and any other messaging system on any device you own,

because that's what she does.

Why do we do this, Darcy?

-Because you are a crazy person.

-Austin put me up to this.

-There are way too many psychos on this show.

-All right. Thank you.

And now we present an experience

that will be imprinted deep in your psyche forever.

The story of a couple who desperately want to have a baby

but are unable to conceive.

So they employ a hooker in a Halloween mask as a surrogate,

but apparently fail to get the results that they want.

The details are not clear on that.

So they then decide to hire a sadistic doctor

who likes to cut off the body parts of subjects

while they're still alive.

But somehow this results in toothy monsters

erupting from the womb and scattering through a house

in the woods where the woman's brother

and his beer drinking pal happened to be camping out,

causing alarm on a news show hosted by Amber Lynn

when they don't return for two weeks and run out of beer.

Sure, we've seen it before, but have we seen it

with insects folded into giant cheese sandwiches?

I think not.

Let's look at those drive in totals and get started.

We have seven dead bodies two breasts,

one dead dog, one completely naked surrogate mother

wearing a devil mask with beard and eyebrows

and dog tags between her breasts.

One sweater in the freezer, one tongue extraction,

one blackened attack zombie, skeletal hand torture,

multiple stabbing, paper cutter hand hacking,

eyeball ripping, nick sawing, intestine ripping,

mini-monster hacking, slimy critter breast bursting,

shirtless flashlight wrangling,

hand devouring, homemade cauterization,

invisible strangulation, finger eating,

creature flushing, creature hammering,

creature slicing, creature stomping,

door drilling, close up puke-a-rama,

gratuitous Satanic Cult dialogue with Aleister Crowley diagrams,

gratuitous George Romero copyright information,

head rolls, tongue rolls, fingers roll,

pill bottle fu, whiskey fu, chainsaw fu,

fire poker fu driving.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Amber Lynn

as the newscaster reading off cue cards

that are placed to her extreme right,

causing her to force her eye sockets into creepy positions.

Barry Gillis as the mullet-head

who finds the "Horror of a Thousand Ugly Brutal Cuts"

video in his refrigerator,

then recommends the Bestiality Network

and tells a long story about Scottish teenagers

who kill a fat guy

and suffer the wrath of a live torso-eating serpent.

Bruce Roach as Fred,

who goes around examining plastic fish

on the walls, quote, "Looking for a cockroach snack,"

consuming beers, and saying random things like,

"Isn't this Salvador Dali's famous Devil's Daughter painting

believed to have been burned years ago?"

But then gets sucked into the third,

fourth, and fifth dimensions through a hole

in the kitchen cupboard.

Doug Bunston as Doug, who says,

"Really no time for stories, Don, my wife's dead"

and, "Better watch myself.

I'm not very good at electricity things",

and "Gimme back my hand!"

And Andrew Jordan, the director and co-writer,

for lines like, "I'm gonna shove you right

under the floorboards, yeah, that should do it"

and, "The blood is just dripping like maple syrup!"

And "They ate Susan! They ate her to the skull!"

One star. Joe Bob says check it out.

You know, we waited till week 8 of the season to do this.

You know we have to punish you once a year, right?

Just think of it as a workout.

You know, your viewing muscles will be much stronger

after you endure this.

And remember, you're going to despise this,

and then you're going to talk about it the rest of your life.

I can't explain it, but that's what happens.

It's like a sour-tasting hallucinogenic drug.

You get used to it. And then you crave it.

[Static crackles]

[Explosion]

[Gunshot]

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

-I want you to have my baby.

My wife and I tried to have a baby,

but we could never get one.

Now it's up to you.

I'll pay for love.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughter]

You don't have to take a shower, dear.

I said I wanted you to have my baby.

-I'll have your baby.

-I watch you have my baby.

-[Laughs]

-I've already had you baby.

-Oh, coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie --

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I brought you some of these to help you ease the pain.

-Thanks. I hope they work. I feel like I'm going to die.

I'm feeling better already.

-That's very good.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Here, I'll grab that, Doug.

Thanks.

-Yeah, thanks, Wally.

Jerk.

You asshole!

Have a good drive home, goof.

[Tires squeal]

-Hi. And welcome to TV 9 News.

I'm Amber Lynn.

-I'm Johnny Scott.

-We're your hosts for today's broadcast

following top news stories of the day.

We will speak briefly with the leader of the Soviet Union

concerning topics of the George Bush administration

and the threat of nuclear war.

In Manhattan, an oil slick caused a truck to crash into

a hydro pole today.

Inside, sources say the residents of

the Upper East Side may be without electricity

for up to three hours.

-Watch where you're going.

-This way.

We're almost there.

-Somebody must have left the light on.

-Well, we're almost there.

-It's kind of hard to find.

[Dog barking]

If he's not home, we'll break in.

-Okay.

[Dog barking]

[Pounding on door]

-Doug!

I guess we won't need this with the light on.

[Knocking]

Doug!

He must be home. Doug?

Doug? Doug? Are you home?

Doug? Doug?

Doug, are you home?

-Anybody home?

-Got to be here somewhere. Geez.

He's probably wasted out of his mind.

Doug, are you alive?

What we need is a couple of hot women

and a few beers off you.

Party, party, party!

-You sure Doug won't mind if we have a few of his beer?

-We can drink all we want.

-Are you sure?

I'm sure. I'm his brother.

I'm entitled to a few privileges, don't you think?

-All right, let's dig in.

What's that? A book?

-[Laughs] "Horror of a Thousand Ugly Brutal Cuts."

A record!

In the freezer!

[Laughs]

Hey, let's try this thing.

That guy's pretty strange.

-Get your hands off me.

-Get your hands off me. -Don, Don.

You better turn it off. I think it could be possessed.

[Screams]

[Laughs]

-Get a load of this shit.

Aleister Crowley.

Oh, he's talking about the people he killed before he died.

Oh, my God. Oh, the diagrams are so sick.

How did that movie start that you're always talking about?

You know, that weird one with...

all those weird things.

-It all started with they found a tape recorder

down in the basement.

They turned it on, and there was all these weird

Satanic cult chants on it.

And that's how it all started.

-It's getting kind of hot in here.

Throw this in the freezer In storage maybe.

It's a good place for it.

-Turn this thing off.

Susan's trying to sleep. Damn it.

-Hm.

Hm. Hm.

See what we have here.

Hm.

-[Chuckles] Getting kind of nosy, aren't we?

[Laughs]

-Kind of bored Looking for a cockroach snack.

I can't see any of the delicious critters.

Alright.

Running water and everything up here.

Hm. Yep, it is plastic.

-This place is a joke.

It's pretty creepy up here.

Why don't you put something on TV?

-There's an idea.

-They get the bestiality network up here.

You can get the stations from Texas and New York,

underground stations, death, murder, violence.

-Some programs have been off the air for years.

-Some of the stations,

he doesn't know where they're coming from.

-A medical discovery by the world renowned

Dr. Lucas of Grizzly Flats.

Scientists and surgeons alike are very excited.

Dr. Lucas has discovered that if the human brain

is exposed to ultraviolet light, a human's life span will double.

Scientists all over the world are very happy

with the discovery.

And if...

-[Groaning]

[Groans]

[Groaning]

Aah!

-Hm.

-My beautiful baby.

I want you...

to have my baby.

-This'll do good.

-[Laughs]

-[Groans]

[Gasping]

[Groans]

-[Whispering] Kill...kill...

kill...kill...kill...

I want you to kill.

-Unstrap his arm.

-...kill...

-[Screams]

-A job well done, bitch.

-Kill me. Kill me now.

-I want you to have my baby.

[Laughs]

[Squelching]

[Evil laughter]

[Squelching]

-[Laughs]

-[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Huh?

[Static crackles]

-Okay, where do we start?

Let's start with the full-frontal woman

in the devil mask.

Andrew Jordan, the director, and Barry J. Gillis,

the star -- Barry is the guy with the mullet

and the mustache -- they decided they needed nudity in the film,

but their big star, porn star Amber Lynn,

would not agree to get nekkid for the measly $2,500

they gave her for one hour of work.

So they hit the streets of Toronto

looking for a hooker, and they found one,

but not before Jan Pachul, the guy who plays

Dr. Lucas the torturer,

gets arrested for soliciting prostitution.

So the hooker said she would get nekkid for 'em,

but she didn't really want her face to be seen, so they said,

"Okay, well, then we'll put you in a Halloween mask."

So that was the only reason

apparently that she's wearing the Halloween mask.

These were first-time filmmakers.

You're so shocked, right?

And so they didn't realize that if you just post

a casting notice that says "some nudity required",

you will get dozens of applicants.

You don't have to troll the streets

searching for women of the night.

So, at any rate, Amber Lynn, star of 350 X-rated films

and more than 200 nude layouts in magazines,

probably did not realize that the production values

on her first mainstream crossover film

would be worse than the cheapest porn film she ever made.

She came to the set with her boyfriend/limo driver/agent.

He served as all three. Triple threat.

And he intimidated everybody so badly that the filmmakers

were afraid to ask her to do anything

that she didn't want to do.

Hence the cue cards are in a weird place

so that she's always looking off camera

as though she has no idea where she is.

And she probably didn't have any idea where she was.

She was actually in Toronto to appear at

the House of Lancaster, the first and most famous

fully nude strip club in Canada,

and she was being paid $25,000 a week to dance on stage.

The bigger question, of course,

is why is Amber Lynn in this movie at all?

What is the purpose?

And, of course, it's unanswerable.

Just as it's unanswerable

as to why we have an extended sequence of Doug

searching through a kitchen cabinet for a pill bottle,

or why Bruce Roach, the guy who plays Fred,

the guy who looks like Wolfman Jack

after a three-month coma,

goes through the kitchen cabinets saying,

"Hmm, hmm."

And then stares at a plastic fish

and decides that it's a plastic fish.

Why Fred and Don have an extended conversation

about beers, Satanism, and weird TV channels,

why Don puts his jacket in the freezer,

or why a certain Dr. Lucas is killing one of his patients

body part by body part.

Of course, you're thinking,

"Well, it will all be explained later."

No.

It won't be.

Roll the film.

Ah.

Should I talk about the Casio soundtrack?

No, I think I'll just let it speak for itself.

You know, This is about the fourth time

I've watched this movie, and I have a confession to make.

I own the DVD.

Now that I've seen this, though,

Austin, I'll give you $6,000.

20 bucks a week for the next 70 years.

You know, I got to have this. This has got to go --

I'll keep it -- I have a special place.

I got to have this.

Of course I'll keep it wrapped in a COVID mask so it doesn't

infect any of my other tapes or DVDs.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-Hey, where'd he steal this chair from?

Should have taken Wally's advice and gone back home with him.

This place is boring.

-♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

-Isn't this Salvador Dali's famous

"Devil's Daughter" painting?

It was thought to be burned years ago.

How did Doug get a hold of it?

-♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

-Huh. Where did he get this?

-Oh, well, we're where he used to live

was this last house on the left,

and he stole it, but, oh, that's another story.

-♪ Be on your own ♪

♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

♪ Just goin' round and goin' down ♪

♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

-Ah! Ooh.

It's still pretty dark in here.

Say, Don, I think Doug's a little on the weird side

with his art collection, if you know what I mean.

-That particular painting, if I'm not mistaken,

was given to him by the Queen of England.

-Yeah, I'm getting to know that.

What's the matter with his TV set anyway?

[Chuckles] That'll help.

See what we can get in on this thing.

Hey, Don, get a load of this.

-Yeah, I'll be there in a second.

Do you want a beer?

-Yeah.

Doggy, hey.

Come here.

Come on.

Atta-girl.

-That beer tastes like dog shit.

Mostly came from a well in West Africa.

I'll add some pure American water to that.

[Humming]

-♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

♪ Since you taken your life downtown ♪

♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

-Oh, thanks.

-I saw this before.

What a bunch of trash.

-♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

-[Laughs]

Oh, I know that guy.

He was in that other movie.

I think that one with Bruce Lee. Yeah, that was it.

This company puts out the cheapest crap I've ever seen.

[Laughs] Look at...

Oh, reliving old memories.

This is stupid.

[Laughs]

I'm scared.

So cheap. It's supposed to be a ghost.

[Laughs]

[Feedback]

[Woman moaning]

[Woman moaning]

-Filthy pervert!

-Here's a show I think you'll enjoy.

[Moaning]

-How's the color coming in?

-Yeah, that's good. Leave it there.

-[Retches]

What the fuck?

Didn't you dorks bring any food?

Eh...

Well, the six day or six month old bread in here,

maybe I can make myself some kind of a sandwich.

Yeah.

-I thought he'd be pissed off about that.

-Oh, thanks, Doug.

[Laughs]

Hey, Doug, come on, let's have a couple more cold ones.

-Grab me on while you're at it, okay?

-Fred, Fred, Fred-fricka.

Can't you do anything for yourself?

I think you've been reading "The Lazy Man's Guide To Living"

a little too much lately.

Next time you come with me, you're staying home.

-Wait, he might still be alive.

This will be crunchy and his tummy.

[Chuckles]

Well, I heard about having butterflies

in your stomach, but...

[Belches]

[Farts]

[Farts]

-Sounds good.

Great.

Thanks, Don.

-Oh, fuck! I hate mosquito bites.

I must say, Doug...

[Gulps]

For something you'd conjure up, you did a pretty good job.

-Well, I usually spice up my sandwiches

with a little bit more than just that,

but as long as you liked it.

-I liked it.

-Good. I used to work in a restaurant.

Hey, listen, I think I'm going to have to go

check on Susan, okay?

-[Screams]

-Come on!

Blood!

-[Screams, crying]

-Don! Fred!

Come quick! Susan's sick!

-[Screams]

-Oh, my God.

Susan!

[Groans]

-What the hell are you talking about?

-Why don't you come back with me and I'll tell you about it.

[Dog whimpers]

[Dog barking, whimpering]

[Growling, barking]

[Whimpering]

[Static crackles]

-Okay, among the things I don't understand in "Things."

Um, why are they talking about a Salvador Dali painting

that Doug has on the wall that supposedly got burned up?

Why does Fred spend five minutes

searching for light before he turns on a lamp?

Where does the fluffy white dog come from?

Why does Don compare his beer to a well in West Africa

before he waters it down?

Why does Doug make a big pile of sandwiches

out of six-month-old bread

and then put a bug in Don's sandwich?

What comes out of Susan, and where does it come out exactly?

You know what we need?

We need a Canadian to figure this out.

This is a Canadian movie.

And what better Canadian than the close friend

of "The Last Drive-In,"

star of the AEW wrestling franchise on TNT,

lead singer in the metal band Fozzy,

Mr. Chris Jericho, who has agreed to join us

from his in-home studio in Tampa, Florida,

to help explain the insanity called "Things."

Chris! Good to see you again!

You knew your way around a video store

in the late '80s, early '90s.

This movie was in every video store

in North America.

How did it get there?

-Joe Bob, this shows you how much I appreciate

your friendship and appreciate being on

"The Last Drive In", and the fact that I showed up

to be a part of this piece of shit movie called "Things."

This is by far the worst movie I've ever seen.

And I saw it back in about 1991.

And when I was asked to be on the show,

I was like, "Sure, what are we doing?

'Sleepaway Camp 2'?

'Zombie' by Fulci?"

"No, we want you to do 'Things.'"

And I was like, "You have got to be F-ing kidding me."

Watching this back, I am embarrassed to be Canadian

and be associated with this piece of tripe,

salacious garbage known as "Things."

I'm saying that first of all, and I know you know me,

Joe Bob and Darcy, I go on a rant.

First and foremost, there's a saying for for fans

of movies like us, "It's so bad, it's good."

This is not so bad it's good.

This is so bad. It makes you want to literally

take a drill, driller killer yourself.

I want to driller killer myself just thinking about this movie.

And I'm caught in the middle of it here on

"The Last Drive In", specifically because

I like you guys.

-Okay, well, you established yourself the previous time

you were here as the expert on bad movies.

And so we thought, "We've got to test him with this."

But the guy who plays Don, Barry J. Gillis,

he has what is often described as a hockey-hair mullet,

which I guess must be a term in Canada.

Can you describe for us the hockey-hair mullet?

-Well, hockey hair is what you're seeing.

It's the epitome of, you know,

business in the front, party in the back.

But the reason why it's called "hockey hair"

is because in this time frame, actually, even now,

if you watch the NHL now, you put the helmet on

and you see the little tendrils of hair coming out

of the bottom, you take the helmet off,

and there's nothing on top because you don't want

to have sweaty hair, but you still want to look

like a rock and roller so you keep a little bit long.

So, yes, the best thing about "Things"

is Barry J's hockey hair mullet for sure.

And even that sucks.

-What do you think of the "Things" themselves,

the actual critters?

I assume the Things are those furry creatures with teeth,

you know, which we see from time to time.

-The creatures in this are terrible.

They're basically like they went to a Halloween store

and bought ants and then put some kind of

H.R. Giger teeth on the front of it.

So I don't know. I don't know what they are.

I don't know what the things. Are they aliens?

Are they something that Don created in a laboratory

with his old sandwiches?

Are they demons from the deep? Did they come out of the toilet?

It's the literal drizzling shits

and the fact that we used to make movies in high school

better than this and the fact that our movie isn't being

watched on "The Last Drive In", which was called

"Don't Go to Uncle's Earl's Cabin For the Weekend,"

featured a serial killer called "The Bag Man."

Why? Because all we had was a paper bag.

Cut some holes in it. There's your serial killer.

The bag man is better special effects

than the frickin "Things."

-Well, you're assuming we wouldn't show that, Chris.

We might show that. Send it to us.

Alright, stick around. -I'm gonna submit it.

Stick around because we have a lot more questions

as we try to navigate the deeper meanings

of the first Canadian straight-to-video indie flick

to attain international infamy -- "Things."

Roll the movie.

You know, 20 years -- I know. I agree.

20 years after it was made, they started showing "Things"

in actual movie theaters,

and they invited the star, Barry Gillis,

to one of those special events.

They had a theater in Montreal set aside for it.

And as you might expect, he couldn't stop talking.

Everybody got drunk, the film broke down twice,

which made it an even better film.

And speaking of which, I hope everyone knows this.

Two shots every time they drink a beer,

one shot for every creature attack.

I do not want to have to tell you again.

They actually had a "no drugs" policy

on the set of "Things."

But they did not have a "no alcohol" policy.

So they were just drunk, and they admit they were drunk.

-Wish I was drunk now.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-George Romero, director of such hits as

"Dawn of the Dead" and "Creepshow",

is once again taking his copyright case

to the Supreme Court of the United States.

Pirates continue to distribute

thousands of copies of "Night of the Living Dead",

while Romero continues to state his case in the courts.

-The child was mine.

Dr. Lucas.

-What the fuck you talking about?

-Listen.

We couldn't have a child.

We both wanted to, but couldn't.

-What's that got to do --

-Listen. Let me finish.

They both needed money. You were going to college.

We were going to ask you for some,

but needed all that you had.

And we both still wanted the baby.

Dr. Lucas found a way to artificially impregnate her.

Something went wrong.

-I'll say.

-Shut up!

You let this jerk experiment on Susan?

-I read a story once about something weird like this.

It was a sci-fi novel about a couple of teenagers

who had nothing better to do one summer

than to kill the neighborhood boy named Harold,

along with everyone else in this Scottish town.

The boys thought he was weird in his ways.

A few times he was observed by Lake Shore eating raw fish

that he caught on his fishing rod.

When he was young, they all bothered him

because he was thin as a toothpick.

And as you got older, they laughed at him

because he was fatter than a fridge.

One of the boys took a hammer to Harold's head.

The claw of the hammer.

And the others slashed his stomach open with a machete.

Harold died from blows to the head.

But it wasn't till the machete slashed him open

that he smiled.

The first time the boys had ever seen him smile.

At that instant, out of the flames of hell,

a large serpent like bees burst out of Harold's bloody stomach

and devoured both killers and proceeded to consume

everyone else in the town that it set its eyes upon.

It had a hunger that couldn't be satisfied

until it every torso in the town.

-This is really no time for stories, Don.

My wife's dead, and all you can do is sit there

and tell some weird story that you read

in some sci-fi novel?!

-Doug, you're my brother. I didn't mean no harm by it.

I wasn't trying to ease the tension.

-Ease the tension?

You damn bastard! Ease the tension?

You dick!

-I'm sorry, Doug.

I really didn't mean it.

-Why don't you and Fred help me to ease the tension

right now by helping me find out

what has exactly happened to Susan.

-Okay. Okay.

Why don't we do something about this?

Call the police or something?

-Can't do too much.

Can't make it through those woods.

The phone's out. Can't do nothing.

Might get attacked by bears, rattlesnakes.

This is a real creepy place, you know?

-Besides Grizzly Flats is the closest town to here.

That's nine miles away.

They'd be crating us away in pine boxes by morning.

I guess we'd all be dead, wouldn't we?

What are we going to do?

-Great. So we're stuck.

-What are we going to do with Susan's body?

I never thought I'd have to live with the dead.

-Tomorrow we'll make the nine-mile hike

to Dr. Lucas', and then we'll phone the cops.

-That guy should be locked up for good.

He's got a criminal mind. He's evil. Should be dead.

-Give me a beer.

-Hey, what happened? The lights went out.

-Relax.

Listen, man.

Electrical systems in this place are scuzzoid anyway.

Fuses get overloaded all the time.

-Well, there's a lantern outside,

but the gas is probably all used up.

It was pretty low when we were walking through the woods there.

Is there a flashlight around?

-14 days have passed since Brooklyn residents

Don Drake and Fred Lewis were last seen alive.

Police are investigating a tip from a New Jersey woman

who says she saw them murdered by a gang of bikers

and dumped into the Atlantic Ocean.

At the moment, it is only speculation.

More details will follow soon. Back to Johnny.

-Tabloids report that Bagel Boy, Rob Camilletti,

Cher's boyfriend, has been seen around town with Traci Lord

in some of the hottest Hollywood clubs.

-Don't you mean ex-porn star Traci Lord?

[Both laugh]

-Are we still on air?

-What the fuck? Where's Fred?

-I think he want into the third, fourth, and fifth dimension.

-It looks like he got sucked into that mouse hole.

-I think I know what happened.

-What?

-Spontaneous combustion. I read about this crap.

-Listen, spare me the stories, Don.

I got to get to the fuse box.

There's blood on my face. There's blood all over my hands.

I can't stand this blood all over me.

Ugh.

Ah!

Why in the world did you have to bring Fred?

[Water running]

-You never told me you were a kindergarten artist.

-Well, you never told me that you were an asshole either.

I had to find out for myself.

-That's pretty disgusting stuff you nailed

on your basement door.

-You did that before we tortured and ate her.

Wait.

-Let's tackle this right now.

-No. We'll change the fuses later.

It's too dangerous now.

[Sighs]

Give me a couple of beers.

Make yourself useful.

-There ain't no beers, dumb bell.

Everyone alive in this house knows that there ain't no beers.

-There's got to be something around here to drink.

-Well, I know that there's whiskey or rum

around here somewhere.

Take a look in those cupboards.

-Well, Pilgrim.

And some paper cups. [Chuckles]

What do you think about that?

-Paper cups, eh?

I got one for ya.

How do you get paper children?

-Paper children?

-Yeah, how do you get them?

You fuck a bag lady.

-[Laughs]

Oh. [Laughs]

-Got that?

-Did you hear that?

Fred!

-Fred?

-Fred!

He must have went to get some help.

Oh, God.

-Fred?

He's dead.

I know he's dead.

I know he's dead.

[Laughs]

[Groans]

[Sobbing]

-[Laughs]

[Sighs] Joke's on you.

Hey, do you hear that?

Hear that?

-What?

-I didn't hear nothing at all.

I just didn't want you to pour any whiskey on me.

Lost your train of thought, didn't I?

[Laughs]

Let's have another drink.

[Sighs] Hey, there's a hair on your arm.

-That is my fucking are, man!

-[Laughs]

Does the toilet flush in a blackout?

-Why?

-I got to take a wicked piss.

-What's stopping you?

-I really got to go to that can bad.

-Yeah, well, go then.

-Might be some of those ugly creature things in there.

-That's right.

You wouldn't want any of those things nibbling on you

when you get in there.

-Why don't you go check it out then, you goofball?

Ew, what a reek.

Hm, I think we're going to have to go back to the kitchen

and get a flashlight.

Uh, yeah, we'll have to get a flashlight.

[Growling, screeching]

-You got him real good.

[Static crackles]

-"Where's Fred?

Sucked into the third, fourth and fifth dimension!"

They say something about him

being sucked through a mouse hole,

but it looks like he just went through those kitchen cabinets

he was so curious about.

Director Andrew Jordan was asked at one point,

why Fred is sucked into another dimension

and then comes back into the story later

with a chainsaw and everything?

It was because he was unavailable for filming...

[Laughter]

...on the day they shot that scene.

And also, you'll notice in some of those scenes

where all three guys are talking,

you never see all three of them in the same shot,

because they were never there at the same time.

So, "Really no time for stories, Don.

My wife's dead."

So, what do you think is going on here, Chris?

Help us out.

-I can't help you. The acting is --

Now you're starting to see the acting.

"Hey, man. My wife is dead.

Oh, my God. You're killing me, man."

I remember this from 30 years ago,

watching it once again.

I will never watch this again.

And here I am putting myself to this torture.

I'd rather have dental surgery.

I'd rather I'd rather Joe Bob "Marathon Man" me

and drill holes in my teeth than watch this movie.

Here's something else about this

that we have to talk about.

As a young kid, Amber Lynn starring in this movie.

And as a kid, why do you watch, you know,

the B-grade cheap ass movies, is you want to see some boobs.

No, they got this porn star to stand in a room,

read news reports about what?

I have no idea.

And literally read them off the frickin' wall.

You can see her reading the cue cards,

and she's not even trying.

Put them here so you can look up there.

-Yeah. -I don't understand.

You need to get Amber Lynn on here to --

-To explain what was happening.

Yeah, because they didn't put the cue cards

in the right place.

You know, when I saw this movie, I assumed, okay, these guys,

they must be from like rural Alberta

or the Yukon Territory or something.

But no, they're from Toronto! They're from --

They're from the capital of Canadian filmmaking.

-Not necessarily true, Joe Bob.

They're from Scarborough.

Now, if you go to the Toronto area,

there's a lot of little outlying towns.

Scarborough is a skid area.

It is like small town Alberta, but it's small town Ontario.

So don't let them off the hook because they're from Toronto

because they're not.

They're from Scarborough, you know?

-Is there any difference between a Canadian

beer drinkin' slacker, like in this movie?

Because that's all they do, is they drink beer

and wander around that house.

And an American beer drinkin' slacker?

And there's also, they have these lines

about beer all over the movie.

"There ain't no beers, dumb bell."

[Laughter]

-Yeah, it's one of those --

and this is why -- I'm so embarrassed

that this is what you think of

when you think of Canadian horror movies.

Like, Canadian beer --

The only good thing about this movie

is they are drinking beer, and Canadian beer is 6% alcohol.

American beer's at about 1.52,

so at least they get drunk faster

in making this piece of shit.

And that's probably how it came up,

because they're so loaded,

they're not even paying attention to what they're doing,

and yet, we have to deal with it.

Their sins are being taken out on us

as innocent moviegoers trying to --

we just want to watch a movie, man.

You know, I apologize to all of the viewers

on "The Last Drive-In."

Oh, it's a Canadian movie called "Things."

We have nothing to do with this.

All Canadians have now disavowed ourselves,

denounced this movie.

It's embarrassing. It really is.

-Can any of it be explained as maybe a drug experience?

-I hope they're on drugs when they made this.

I hope they're fucking loaded and on drugs and high

and on morphine and on Special K

and anything else they could get their hands on

because that's the only excuse for this.

It has to be some kind of a drug-induced haze

to think this is worthy of releasing,

and yet here we are 30 years later talking about this.

What the hell is happening in this movie?

What is going on?

-Actually, Barry J. Gillis went on some TV show --

-Barry J. Gillis can suck it. I just want to say that.

-Okay, Barry J. Gillis went on some show in Grand Breton.

I'm not sure where that is,

but anyway, he went on some Grand Breton show

and he claimed that the budget was $350,000,

which I know was a complete lie.

I don't know why he would say that, but I have --

I have a theory about this.

This may be what dementia is like

because everything people are saying is making zero sense,

but it has the cadence of conversation.

So you're trying to follow it, but it's hard to follow.

And you always feel like you're missing something,

so you can say it's a filmic version of dementia.

-We really don't know what's happening here,

and the thing is, too, it's so horribly shot.

It's horribly lit, and once again,

I got to go back to that sound.

It's piercing of your ears,

and the terrible soundtrack behind it.

I'm wondering -- this is my last thread

of trying to rationalize this.

I'm wondering if they said,

"Let's make literally the worst movie ever just for fun,

just to see if we can do it.

Let's mess up the sound.

Let's shoot it bad and have terrible effects.

Let's have no story whatsoever.

Hey, let's even get a porn star

and don't have her take her clothes off.

Let's do that."

-Yeah, I actually think the sad truth is they were trying hard.

I think they were really giving it their best shot.

-Well, this could literally be

honestly the worst movie ever made, then,

and it's not like "The Room," where it's semi-entertaining,

or "Troll 2," where you get a laugh out of it.

There's nothing to laugh at in this.

-Okay. -This is not laughable.

-Do you have a favorite Canadian horror movie, Chris?

-It's funny because now it's a thing.

You know, there's "Ginger Snaps,"

you know, that's a Canadian horror,

and, you know, the Soska sisters and all that sort of stuff.

But I think there's a couple of --

this is probably a better question for Eli Roth,

is the greatest trivia movie guy,

but I think there's a couple '80s slasher movies

that were made in Canada.

-Well, there's "Hello, Mary Lou: Prom Night II,"

which was made in Canada.

-Oh! -Yeah.

-A favorite of Darcy's. -That's right.

-So there you go. -Very much.

-So there was a few good ones. -Yeah.

-So if you're thinking of Canadian horror,

please think of "Prom Night II" and not this piece of...

[Laughter]

...let's get beetle dung.

Beetle dung. That's what this is.

-Alright. Don't go away. We still need you.

By the way, Winnipeg has become

a big production center for film and TV.

You know, Winnipeg native. You should be proud.

-I'm very proud, and I'll tell you this, too, Joe Bob,

there would be no "Things" getting made in Winnipeg.

We wouldn't allow this out.

-You wouldn't allow those Scarboroughs

even to come into town, right?

Those Scarborough guys.

-The Scarboroughans are banned from Winnipeg.

Any Scarboroughan moviemaker is banned

from the province of Manitoba by decree of Chris Jericho,

the most famous Winnipegger on this show right now.

I'm now saying that nobody from Scarborough

is allowed in Manitoba or in Winnipeg ever again

if you're trying to make a movie -- ever.

You're banned. You're banned, Scarborough.

-Alright. We'll be back.

But right now, let's continue with the suspenseful narrative

unfolding before our very eyes in "Things."

Roll it, and what was the part about Traci Lords?

There was this thing about Traci Lords

in the middle of the movie.

What about the children's drawings on the door?

And when Doug says,

"My niece did that before we tortured her

and ate her," is he making a joke

while he's supposedly grieving for his dead wife

and searching for the reason that she's dead?

I think that's what they said.

Anyway, we have to --

they're trying to find out why she's dead.

Isn't that why they're going through the house?

I don't understand.

Anyway, they can't go into town

because there are rattlesnakes and bears.

That's what they say, right?

Wait, I remember what the suspense is in this part.

Don has to take a piss,

but the creatures might be in the bathroom, right?

So we're wondering how the guys are going to get in there

so he can relieve himself,

but Doug goes in the bathroom first with the flashlight,

even though it's Don who has to piss.

So, well, now I can't wait to see

how Don's piss comes out.

[Laughter]

[Floorboards creaking]

[Floorboards creaking]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Floorboards creak]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Laughs]

[Groans]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screeching]

[Toilet flushes]

♪♪

[Moans]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Piano music playing]

♪♪

-This light's starting to get a little bit dim.

♪♪

The emergency light's on anyway. Look.

♪♪

[Groans] They're like spiders in a haunted house.

♪♪

Oh, God.

Look.

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Groans] Oh, my God.

But we got to get the fuses in. Where are they?

♪♪

-There!

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

-Oh, no.

What did I do?

♪♪

Oh, I hammered your head in.

Are you alright? Oh.

[Groans]

Blood. Ugh.

Got to get some bandages to you.

Oh, you heavy thug.

[Groans]

Oh, put you back down. You're so heavy.

Oh, oh, blood, ugh. Gross.

[Groans]

Should've hit you again for being in the way.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Scoffs] Stupid light.

Fuck.

[Groans]

♪♪

I better watch myself.

I'm not very good at electricity things.

♪♪

♪♪

[Sighs, muttering]

♪♪

Oh, I hope I get this right.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Luckily, those other creatures are sleeping over there.

♪♪

[Imitates electricity crackling]

[Chuckles]

Stop playing games with your head, Don.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning]

Oh, I wish I had a midget for a brother.

Ooh.

Fucker.

Oh, you're fucking heavy.

♪♪

-Oh, fuck, that's not exactly

the kind of way I want to get hammered, man.

-[Laughing]

That's so stupid.

[Laughs]

[Screeching]

-[Groaning]

[Coughing]

-Don, Don!

-[Groans]

Give me back my ha-a-a-a-a-a-nd!

-♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo ♪

♪ Da-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

-[Sighs] I'm going to have to cauterize this.

I have to mend your hand together.

-♪ Mr. Careful ♪

-This is gonna hurt me a lot more than it's gonna hurt you.

-♪ Mr., Mr. Careful ♪

-I know it's gonna hurt. Just...

-♪ Ah-ha ♪

-♪ Mr., Mr. Careful ♪

♪ Aaah ♪

-I think it's working.

-♪ Mr., Mr. Careful ♪

-I learned this up at camp.

Guy had a...

♪ Mr., Mr. Careful ♪

-[Groans] Hurry up!

I'm losing blood!

-♪ Mr., Mr. Careful ♪

-Oh, the blood is just dripping like maple syrup!

Oh! -[Groaning]

-Oh, so much blood.

-[Groans] Give me the morphine!

It's in the basement!

In a toolbox!

[Groans]

-[Speaks indistinctly]

Behind the... [Speaks indistinctly]

I guess we'd all be dead, wouldn't we?

What are we gonna do?

Great, so we're stuck.

What are we going to do with Susan's body?

I never thought I'd have to live with the dead.

Y-You're dead.

You're dead!

Doug!

No way -- No way am I gonna let the creatures eat you alive.

You're coming with me.

[Whimpers]

-Oh, you heavy puke.

[Groaning]

♪♪

Gonna throw you in this closet so they don't eat you.

♪♪

Gonna shove you right under the floorboards.

♪♪

Oh, that should do it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Drill whirring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Cute little bloody dog.

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Gagging]

♪♪

♪♪

[Moaning]

♪♪

[Drill whirring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, you're alive.

N-No.

Y-You're supposed to be dead.

Oh.

But you're dead.

No, no.

[Sighs]

-[Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-One of my favorite parts of the movie --

close-ups of all the doorknobs and faucets.

[Laughter]

And there's a line in the middle of that sequence --

"The blood is just dripping like maple syrup" --

a telltale sign that the movie was made in Canada

and not the U.S., as they would have you believe.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but -- you correct me, Darcy,

if I'm wrong about this,

but after Doug gets his arm stump cauterized

by apparently setting a rubber tube on fire

and he's in excruciating pain,

doesn't he give Don some instructions

as to where to go into the basement

and look in the toolbox,

and that's where you'll find the morphine?

Isn't there a line like that?

-Probably, yeah.

-You don't remember, okay.

-You can't hear it!

-Chris, it seems like all the Canadian movies

wan to be American movies.

They always try to disguise the fact

that they were made in Canada.

-There's a show called "Last Kingdom"

that when I first started watching, I was like,

"This is like of 'Game of Thrones' was made in Canada."

Canada always has kind of a cheaper look to it.

It's almost like a detrimental thing.

If it's from Canada, you almost go, "Eh, whatever,"

problem being, once again, that this is not representative --

I want this stricken from the Canadian record.

I do not want this referred to anymore as a Canadian movie.

You know, they kicked out all the prisoners

and sent them to -- all the prisoners in England,

and that's how Australia was made.

This should be the same for movies.

They should kick this out of the movie club,

send it to some prehistoric island in the Pacific,

southwest of the Andes, Indys, whatever the hell it is,

and just let it rot there forever.

-Okay, well, the last time you were on the show,

we went into a detailed examination

of "Bloodsucking Freaks,"

so I think I know the answer to this.

But which is worse, "Things" or "Bloodsucking Freaks"?

-See, "Bloodsucking Freaks" is a great movie.

It's super entertaining.

It's fun.

It's so over-the-top gory, as we discussed,

but it never makes you feel bad watching it.

It's just a cool, weird '70s movie.

Ralphus is in it.

Can we just watch "Bloodsucking Freaks" again?

-Yeah, we could, actually. -Yes, yes, let's do that.

-Cut our losses and go? Can we just do that again?

-I tell you what.

Alright, Chris, I admit, we owe you one.

We owe you one. -Big time.

-Big time.

-If we could have your favorite movie on this show

to bring you back after all this bad madness is over,

what would the movie be?

-Darcy, what is it? You know.

-"Sleepaway Camp II"!

-"Sleepaway Camp II"? -Hell, yeah.

-Okay. -"Sleepaway Camp II,"

or the other one that would be fun to watch

would be "Halloween III: Season of the Witch,"

so one of those. -Okay. Alright.

"Halloween III" or "Sleepaway Camp II."

We're going to put the crack Shudder acquisitions department

on that and see what we can do.

Is "Sleepaway Camp II" the one that has the happy camper song?

-Yes.

-Okay, got to do our version of the happy camper song,

and, Chris, I want you to be our recurring Canadian expert

and our recurring bad-movie expert.

Are you up for that?

-You know, "London After Midnight,"

the famous movie with Lon Chaney,

doesn't exist anymore?

It was wiped off the face of the earth.

It's time to do that with "Things" now.

It really is. Let's just put an end to this.

Stick it in a fucking coffin. Nail it down.

Barry J. Gillis, go fuck your ass,

and let's move on with our lives.

-Okay.

Alright, we're going to go back now

to the stunning conclusion of "Things."

Roll the movie.

Andrew Jordan, the director --

he's actually an interesting guy.

He says he does not consider this a horror film.

He considers it "a postmodern film about filmmaking."

-Oh, shut up.

[Laughter]

-And he wants us to know that nobody was drunk

when they dubbed the sound.

He makes this point when he appears with the movie.

He said what happened is they had to overdub all the sound

because the original audio had people talking

in the background.

I guess random crew members

who failed to hear the command, "Quiet on the set,"

or more likely,

they were such beginner filmmakers,

they didn't know you're supposed to say, "Quiet on the set."

So they ended up with a soundtrack

that had all this background conversation going on,

so, but both Andrew and Barry, the co-writer and the star,

recommend that you drink lots of alcohol

when you watch the movie.

And of course, needless to say,

they love the fact that the diehard fans of the movie,

and there are diehard fans of the movie,

make cheese sandwiches in advance of watching.

The sandwich-making scene

is one of Andrew's favorite parts.

He thought it was superb improv by Doug Bunston,

the guy who plays Doug,

and I have to say, as sandwich-making scenes go,

I can't really remember a better sandwich-making scene.

So kudos for that one thing,

the sandwich-making scene in "Things."

-Why are we watching this?

-Thank you, Chris.

♪♪

-A New Jersey woman

who gave police a tip earlier on in the day

has been deemed psychologically insane

by the staff at St. Mary's Hospital in New York.

There is still a chance

that after being declared missing for 14 days,

Don Drake and Fred Lewis may still be alive.

[Chainsaw buzzing]

-[Groans]

[Groans] Oh, Christ.

[Screeching]

-[Screaming]

[Screams]

-[Groans]

They woke up again, the bastards.

[Groans]

[Sighs]

The blood in this place -- it's unbelievable.

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

-Don Drake and Fred Lewis were surprised to find out today

that they were being sought after in a nationwide manhunt

after they were reported missing 14 days ago.

They checked into a hotel in Dallas.

An off-duty security guard noticed the two checking out

and was quickly told off by the two,

who say they are traveling across the United States

to visit a relative.

So much for privacy in the good old U.S. of A.

-They ate Susan.

They ate her to the skull!

There's worms and maggots everywhere.

[Speaks indistinctly]

-[Grunting]

[Chainsaw buzzing]

-[Groaning]

-Get out of there, Fred.

Get out! You're surely going to die!

Get out! Aah!

♪♪

Ew.

[Groans]

Doug's fingers. [Groans]

Oh, my God.

♪♪

[Chainsaw buzzing]

♪♪

[Buzzing stops] -Hmm?

What?

♪♪

Help! Don! Help! Don!

Don!

Don, Don!

They're eating me!

Get me the fuck out of here!

Don!

Don! Don!

♪♪

I'm going to kill you, Don.

Get me out of here.

This is the last time I'm going on any of your trips.

♪♪

Don, help!

Don!

Don, Don, help me.

Help me.

[Screaming]

Help. I don't want to die. [Screams]

♪♪

Don, you chicken shit.

I hope they get you good.

Hey, you little fucker, come on back here with my eyeball!

♪♪

Get off of me! Get off!

[Screaming]

Get off of me!

[Screaming]

Get off! [Groans]

Oh, get off of me!

You know they can't keep a good man down.

They're eating me!

Take me to the hospital.

They can rebuild me there.

They got artificial parts these days.

They can almost replace anything.

Help.

♪♪

Don, look what they've done to me.

Don, I-I'm still here.

I'm over here and -- and over there

and -- and over -- over there, too.

Help me.

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Don, I'm still alive.

They haven't got yet.

-[Screams]

-Don, help me.

I'm still alive.

Now I'm really pissed off.

You shithead!

-At the present time,

residents refuse to leave their homes.

We'll have up-to-date reports every hour on the hour.

♪♪

-Hello.

Come to pay a social visit.

How's Susan feeling?

-Social visit? Susan?

What the fuck you talking about?

-I'm Dr. Lucas, down from Grizzly Flats.

-So you're the fucking bastard, huh?

Susan's dead, everybody's dead, all because of you!

-Who, me? -Yeah, you.

There's hundreds of creatures around this goddamn hellhole

all because of you.

Do you want to see some blood?

♪♪

[Scoffs]

First off, take a look at this door.

-Oh, God, what a horrible mess.

♪♪

This is ghastly, brutal.

Horrible.

It's a...

♪♪

Blood and guts -- that's all that's left of her.

♪♪

Mmm, that's human blood, alright.

What made you do such a brutal crime?

-What made me do it?

Your experiment fucked up and you're blaming me?

You'rethe mad man!

-Do you tell it to the sheriff?

-I-I-I-I-I --

-"I" nothing!

The evidence is surrounding me,

and the weapon's right at the door.

-I-I-I-I --

-All I see this goddamn chainsaw and a golf club at the door.

-I'm telling you, the creatures were here.

They were here. You got to believe me.

You got to believe me. We even killed a bunch of them.

-Ah, you're a real looney tune.

I better grab this before you try to kill me, too.

-I'm not a killer. Your experiment went wrong!

-There's no creatures here, not even a dead one.

-The dead creatures were probably eaten

or taken away by the others.

-You're watching too many horror movies, pal.

This place is empty.

♪♪

All I see is blood...

♪♪

...and guts.

♪♪

Murder is written all over your face.

♪♪

I suppose you haven't seen these, huh?

♪♪

Well...

♪♪

Well, it's time to take you to Grizzly Flats,

and after that, you're going to Los Angeles Institution.

-I'm telling you, they're hiding.

They're hiding! I'm telling you!

Damn it!

They're fucking hiding!

I'm telling you the truth.

Honestly, I am.

-You're a fucking liar!

♪♪

[Laughs] You're nothing but a joker, man.

There ain't nothing here. Don't give me this shit.

-I'm telling the truth.

-Yeah, you've been lying all along.

All that's going to happen to you is you're going to end up

in a hospital for the criminally insane.

-I'm telling you the truth.

-Man, you're giving me a bunch of shit.

Time for you to get locked up.

That's about the size of it.

Yeah, you're giving me a bunch of shit, man.

♪♪

-Check the place out.

-[Screaming]

♪♪

Creatures with no soul!

They're devouring me whole!

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming stops]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I'm getting sick of looking at you.

[Groans]

♪♪

Your dead body's starting to rot and stink.

[Groans]

I've lived with the dead in New York City,

but this is ridiculous.

[Groans]

At least now you're out of my sight.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Don't ♪

♪ Don't go that way ♪

♪ Don't turn your back ♪

♪ Please don't leave me now ♪

♪ I need you in every way ♪

♪ I love you more each day ♪

♪ Please don't go that way ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Help me!

Help! Can you hear me?!

Help!!

-Hey, buddy.

-Help! -You alright?

-Help! [Screams]

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

I'm going to die.

I feel like it, but I'm saved.

Fuck.

-What the hell happened to you?

-There's creatures!

Everybody's dead, and there was a doctor!

-You need a doctor.

Everything will be alright.

-[Sighs]

-Everything will be alright.

I'll take you to Dr. Lucas.

-No, Dr. Lucas! He's the one!

Creatures were everywhere!

He did an experiment! He did!

-Is that really what happened?

-Yeah, that's what happened! Let's go to the police!

Bring me back to Sacramento!

♪♪

-♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

♪ Since you've taken your life downtown ♪

♪♪

♪ You're thinking out things... ♪

♪ Hasn't happened yet, don't it sure be strange? ♪

♪ Be on your own with... ♪

♪ Don't you know that things remain the same? ♪

♪♪

♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

♪ Just goin' 'round ♪

♪ Goin' down ♪

♪♪

♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

♪ Since you've taken your life downtown ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Now we're finally here.

-We made it. Thank God!

[Smooches]

[Sighs]

-Are you sure this wasn't all a dream?

-[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Dead or alive, we're all gonna get you.

We can wait a long, long time.

♪♪

-[Groans]

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

[Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ There was a gentle breeze blowing ♪

♪ On the night you left ♪

♪ And kissed me and said you'd be back ♪

♪ And where you were goin' ♪

♪ Was a mystery ♪

♪♪

♪ You said that you would always love me ♪

♪ Would always be there by my side ♪

♪ I needed you ♪

♪ I believe in you ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Days and weeks went by ♪

♪ Still, you did not ♪

♪ Return ♪

♪ I waited for you like I said that I would ♪

♪ Still, you did not ♪

♪ Return ♪

♪♪

♪ These days, as I sit by the window ♪

♪ I feel the gentle breeze blowing ♪

♪ I remember you and how you kissed me goodbye ♪

♪ And with a tear ♪

♪ I remember the way ♪

♪ And the pain ♪

♪♪

♪ And you said that you loved me and would always be there ♪

♪ By my side ♪

♪ I needed you ♪

♪ I believed in you ♪

♪ I believed in you ♪

♪ I believed in you ♪

♪ I believed in you ♪

♪ 'Cause there was a gentle breeze blowing ♪

♪ On the night that you left ♪

♪ You kissed me and said you'd back ♪

♪ And where you were goin' ♪

♪ Was a mystery ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I remember when I did "52 Pick-Up" with Vanity.

-We saw you in that.

-When I walked on the set --

like, I was supposed to be an extra,

and we went there as a joke.

A friend of mine was friends with the casting agent,

and they wanted a bunch of actresses

to play porn stars, right?

So she called up a girlfriend of mine who says,

"I'll get a bunch of my girlfriends

who really are porn stars to come down

and show up on the set and surprise John Frankenheimer."

So, like, we came down there just as a joke,

and he seen me and he says,

"Oh, my God, Amber Lynn, I'm a big fan of yours."

He says, "You got to be in my movie."

So I was like, "Oh, shit."

So when I met Ann-Margaret, I was like, speechless.

Like, I couldn't even talk around her, you know?

And he wanted me to do this one line

about Cecil B. DeMille,

and she walked over and stood next to the director,

John Frankenheimer, while I was -- he says,

"Run the line for me," and I was like...

[Laughter]

I says, "I can't."

He says, "What do you mean you can't?"

I says, "I'm sorry, I can't do it."

And I turned and I walked away, and he, like -- for some reason,

he followed me over and he says, "Listen," he says, you know,

you're playing the stripper in this party."

This is your part of the movie,

and as far as I'm concerned, you're the star of this part."

And so he made me feel real comfortable.

-Was -- I kind of missed it.

Was that still "52 Pick-Up"?

-Yeah, it was. It was "52 Pick-Up."

-"You little fucker, come on back here with my eyeball!"

[Laughter]

Also, I think this movie may feature the only

electric chainsaw ever invented.

Remember the chainsaw stops working

because it gets unplugged?

[Sighs]

I really liked what the "Hobo with a Shotgun" guys

said about this movie.

Rob Cotterill, the producer,

said, "I don't know how to categorize it

or even really how to process it.

It's just an onslaught of insanity."

And then Jason Eisener,

the director of "Hobo with a Shotgun," said,

"A lot of people say the opening 15 minutes of 'Suspiria'

is like a nightmare caught on film,

but 'Things' is actually a nightmare."

Okay, I'll have a little bit more to say

about "Things" in a second, but first, Darcy,

tell me what you thought about "Things,"

since we had to bring you

kicking and screaming into VHS Night.

-Oh, yeah, you did.

Well, I was definitely in camp "what is this shit"

the first time you forced me to watch it.

[Chuckles] But you're right.

After multiple viewings,

you kinda -- you get the tone and the rhythm of it, and --

-Are you saying that we converted you?

Let's not go that far, but alcohol helps.

"Colorado state" enhancement helps.

It's just absurd, and it makes it fun.

-Okay, well, I'm amazed

that you came that far over to the evil side.

-I can absolutely see both sides.

If you hate it like Chris, I totally get it.

If you love it, I can see that, too.

I loved seeing Amber Lynn in it.

They made the right choice putting her in here,

even though it made zero sense for her to be there.

-Well, you can never hurt a movie

by putting a porn star in it, really.

-That's true.

I mean, everything's enhanced by having a porn star.

In fact, the reason that this is worth $5,000

is that it's the one with Amber Lynn, the porn star.

Don't touch it.

But, um, what are we doing here?

Mailbag?

-Yes, sir. -Alright.

-First of all, since we have a surreal Canadian film,

I thought that I would show you

something surreal that came from Canada.

-Okay.

-So, it has no return address,

and that's written out on the outside is,

"For you and Bob. Whoo-hoo!"

And there's nothing inside but these two weird little caps,

so there's like no message, no nothing,

just "Whoo-hoo!" and this.

-"Creepy neighbour."

"Creepy Neighbor" caps.

One for you and one for me?

-I reckon. [Chuckles]

-You want the blue one or the white one?

-Blue one, actually. Here.

-[Chuckles] Okay.

So what's this about, really?

-I honestly have no idea what this is.

-Well, there must be a movie in production

called "Creepy Neighbour."

-I've looked, and I can't find one.

-Well, it must be an Internet meme.

-I can't find anything.

-So you're telling me somebody is just manufacturing

"Creepy Neighbor" hats

and sending them out to random people?

-That's the nearest I can figure.

-Okay, well, that's perfectly in the spirit of "Things."

-I thought it would be. -Anything else?

-Yes, I wanted to acknowledge...

another one from Canada.

It's from Josh Sweeney of Victoria, British Columbia.

-Alright.

"Hi, Darcy! Hi, Joe Bob!

First off, I just wanted to say that tuning in

to watch 'The Last Drive-In' has been a blast.

One of the few things that I truly look forward to

in this insane world.

Secondly, I know you probably hear all the time

about the effect your show has had on your audience,

but really, it has truly made my life better.

I have battled leukemia for 12 years now --

I was 18 when I got it and I'm now 30.

It has been a bumpy road to say the least.

That being said, I have always been a major horror-movie fan,

and I have always used them as an escape.

Seeing people fight monsters or some other strange

and unknown entity has given me strength

and hope in my own battles.

So, when I saw 'The Last Drive-In' for the first time,

I was immediately on board.

'How did I not know this kind of thing existed?'

I said to my fiancée.

'Uh-oh, I guess you have a new obsession,' she replied.

Understatement, Joe Bob.

You have changed the way I view movies.

You have taught me things about some of my favorites

that I never would have even known otherwise.

On top of that, you have shown me some new films

that have brought me a lot of joy, so thank you, sir.

It is an honor to have you yell and rant at me

in my living room.

And, Darcy -- "

-You don't have to read that part.

That's okay.

-No, there's often --

Actually, there's often a Darcy footnote

on all the fan mail we get.

We -- We should read those. You know.

"Darcy, thank you for being such an amazing person

on social media.

Because of your retweeting some of my tweets,

I have met some truly great friends

that I just don't ever find or speak to otherwise.

You have helped me find a community

that I love to be a part of.

And your cosplays are always on point and incredible.

Thank you both!

I can't wait for the next marathon!

Josh Sweeney, Victoria, B.C."

-It's a super sweet letter. -Yeah, it is.

Thanks for those warm words of support, Josh,

and I hope you will still like us

after watching "Sledgehammer" and "Things."

And on that note...

♪♪

I know you guys are gonna come down on me for VHS Night,

but let me say a few things about these movies

and why we did it.

You know, it's always fun

to talk about the worst movie ever made,

and certainly, "Things" may be a candidate for that,

but maybe we should think about not being quite so snarky

and start looking at films like this

as cultural artifacts that are worth saving

because the only reason we would watch them at all

is that they were made with dedication.

Now, notice I didn't say "skill."

-♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

♪ Goin' around, goin' down ♪

♪♪

♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

♪ Since you've taken your life downtown ♪

-The director of "Things," who never made another movie,

had no skill as a filmmaker,

but he and the actors had a certain innocence

and they were trying so hard that just the fact

that they completed a Super 8 movie,

no matter how incoherent it was, makes it watchable,

as the rabid fanbase for it has proven.

-♪ Thinkin' that things are gonna change ♪

♪ Hasn't happened yet, but it should feel strange ♪

♪ Bein' on your own with the things ♪

♪ Don't you know that things remain the same ♪

-We live in the Age of Irony, a time when

it's always fashionable to be smarter than the movie,

to lord our opinions over the filmmakers who serve us,

to celebrate the bad and diminish the good,

but "Things" is entertaining

precisely because the people behind the camera,

and the people in front of the camera,

are taking it dead seriously.

If they were goofing off, we would know it,

and it would just be a lame exercise, guys messing around.

These guys weren't messing around.

They were trying to make a by-god movie,

and maybe they didn't really make a movie,

in the sense that we think of movies as having a beginning,

a middle, and an end, a theme, a through-line,

an emotional arc, music that serves the story,

but maybe they created something else in the year 1989

that stands apart, like a piece of giant avant-garde sculpture

in the middle of a corn field in Kansas.

Maybe it ispostmodern, as the director calls it,

because its sophisticated technological equipment --

cameras, sound equipment, editing equipment --

in the hands of people

who have no technological sophistication, you know?

We've heard from the film-school geeks.

Now we should hear from these guys, too.

Maybe they are artists after all,

artists searching for a gallery,

and we were happy to be that gallery tonight.

♪♪

-♪ You got yourself in a tailspin ♪

♪ Since you've taken your life downtown ♪

♪♪

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

♪♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

-♪ Other people ♪

-♪ We are sick ♪ -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪ -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

-♪ Vomit meter ♪

-♪ We'd be off the scale ♪

-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪