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1
00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:05,255
Well, this is gonna be
a sucky weekend.
2
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:09,801
Try spending it with an 11 -year-old
who does nothing but complain.
3
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,179
You mean me?
4
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:15,557
Boy, no wonder they got to
write your name in your underwear.
5
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,144
What am I supposed to do?
6
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,521
- Watch TV.
- There's nothing on.
7
00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,899
- Play a video game.
- I've played them all.
8
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:26,026
- Read a book.
- Yeah, right.
9
00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:27,945
Who's the moron now?
10
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:32,783
Okay. Here's a rainy day activity.
11
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:36,161
There are 12 college basketball games on
this weekend.
12
00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:38,455
Dial this number, and ask for Coop.
13
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:42,668
Tell him you're calling for Mr. Bojingles
and write down everything he tells you.
14
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,711
Do I get to make
some picks this time?
15
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,006
- You got money?
- lf you pay me what you owe me.
16
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:51,301
Well, you're getting an education here.
That's priceless.
17
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:56,139
- What's going on?
- Just talking about picking colleges.
18
00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,809
- I like Duke.
- Over Wake Forest?
19
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,727
Got a hunch.
20
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,438
You've got him thinking about college?
21
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:07,317
You're welcome.
So how'd it go at the doctor?
22
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,237
Sit down,
I have to tell you something.
23
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,989
What?
24
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,618
The doctor wants me
to have a procedure.
25
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,287
- What kind of procedure?
- He says I'm fine...
26
00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:22,666
...and it's routine,
but I'm really freaked out about it.
27
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:24,459
What procedure?
28
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,586
A colonoscopy.
29
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,506
Oh, jeez, Alan, that's no big deal.
30
00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:32,467
They're just gonna shove
a camera up your ass.
31
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:37,264
Okay, in all future references
to this procedure...
32
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:42,310
...can we please use
the word "glide" or "slide"...
33
00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,813
...as opposed to "shove."
34
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,941
Don't sweat it. Every guy eventually
has to get one of those.
35
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,819
- It's strictly a fact-finding mission.
- You've had one?
36
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,404
No, you crazy?
37
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:55,907
But I hear there's nothing
to worry about. It's a tiny little camera.
38
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:58,827
In the old days, they'd send
a sketch artist up there.
39
00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,706
Besides, you're unconscious.
40
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:06,752
That's what I'm worried about.
I'll be in a very vulnerable position.
41
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:10,422
- They could do anything.
- Alan, it's not a pirate ship.
42
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,259
Just relax.
It'll be over before you know it.
43
00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:17,554
Yeah. I'll bet that's what they say
on pirate ships.
44
00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:52,530
- Damn it.
- What?
45
00:02:52,696 --> 00:02:54,281
The sink's stopped up again.
46
00:02:54,448 --> 00:02:57,827
That kid doesn't know the difference
between the garbage and the drain.
47
00:02:58,494 --> 00:03:01,330
- What do you want? He's 11.
- That's no excuse.
48
00:03:01,497 --> 00:03:05,251
If he can't tell which hole is which
at his age, he's headed for trouble.
49
00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:28,858
How about that?
50
00:03:29,441 --> 00:03:31,902
Oh, God, I had the worst nightmares.
51
00:03:32,069 --> 00:03:33,737
Pirate ships?
52
00:03:33,904 --> 00:03:35,739
Full-service gas stations.
53
00:03:36,532 --> 00:03:38,242
I fail to see the connection.
54
00:03:38,742 --> 00:03:42,371
Cold steel nozzles
going into openings.
55
00:03:43,789 --> 00:03:46,041
Dipsticks being pulled out.
56
00:03:47,668 --> 00:03:49,295
Do I have to draw you a picture?
57
00:03:49,837 --> 00:03:51,172
You know what?
58
00:03:51,338 --> 00:03:53,632
You need to get your mind off
this colonoscopy.
59
00:03:53,841 --> 00:03:57,219
Come on! Get in there, you sucker!
60
00:04:04,518 --> 00:04:06,812
Easy for you to say.
61
00:04:07,479 --> 00:04:08,814
How about this?
62
00:04:08,981 --> 00:04:12,109
How about we hop in the car
and go to Vegas for a couple of days?
63
00:04:12,610 --> 00:04:14,153
Just like that? What about Jake?
64
00:04:14,361 --> 00:04:16,614
Oh, yeah, Jake.
65
00:04:16,780 --> 00:04:20,117
Okay, how about this, we get him
a fake mustache and a hat...
66
00:04:20,284 --> 00:04:22,786
...and tell everybody his mother
was a heavy smoker.
67
00:04:23,829 --> 00:04:25,956
- I don't think so.
- We can still bring him...
68
00:04:26,123 --> 00:04:28,959
...come on, it's the perfect solution.
The kid's bored...
69
00:04:29,126 --> 00:04:31,921
...and you're all puckered up
over this colonoscopy thing.
70
00:04:32,129 --> 00:04:36,467
It just won't go in.
71
00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:42,556
- Well, it is a three-day weekend.
- Exactly.
72
00:04:42,723 --> 00:04:46,602
And I got 2 grand in my pocket that's
itching to turn into $ 12 and a hangover.
73
00:04:47,519 --> 00:04:50,022
Come on, we can be there
in like four hours.
74
00:04:50,189 --> 00:04:52,608
Unless you drive,
in which case I'm not going.
75
00:04:52,816 --> 00:04:54,443
Perfect, now I can't get it out.
76
00:04:57,696 --> 00:04:59,823
You know what? Why not?
One way or another...
77
00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:02,952
...I'm gonna get reamed.
I might as well enjoy a free buffet.
78
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,038
Great. Go grab a toothbrush
and we'll hit the road.
79
00:05:13,337 --> 00:05:15,339
Pinky? Berta.
80
00:05:15,506 --> 00:05:19,718
Order a keg and call the gang,
I got the house until Tuesday.
81
00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:21,804
Okay, we're gonna need two rooms.
82
00:05:21,970 --> 00:05:23,889
One for Alan Harper and son...
83
00:05:24,056 --> 00:05:28,143
...and one for Charlie Harper and
a cocktail waitress to be named later.
84
00:05:29,812 --> 00:05:31,563
No, I don't want connecting rooms.
85
00:05:31,730 --> 00:05:33,816
Weren't you listening?
86
00:05:34,024 --> 00:05:36,819
In fact, put mine on a different floor.
87
00:05:37,027 --> 00:05:38,987
Come on, let's go.
88
00:05:39,196 --> 00:05:41,740
Now, what's playing
in your showroom?
89
00:05:41,907 --> 00:05:44,868
Nude Legends on Ice. Sweet.
90
00:05:45,077 --> 00:05:47,162
Okay, this may
sound like a dumb question...
91
00:05:47,329 --> 00:05:49,415
...but is it a family show?
92
00:05:51,458 --> 00:05:54,670
Well, what if the kid had a mustache?
93
00:05:55,963 --> 00:05:59,800
All right. He'll just have to stay in
the room and watch scrambled porn.
94
00:06:02,511 --> 00:06:05,806
- You could help me, you know.
- No, you're doing okay.
95
00:06:07,474 --> 00:06:10,561
- Where's your clean underwear?
- I'm wearing it.
96
00:06:11,228 --> 00:06:14,398
- That's all you brought for the weekend?
- It's only three days.
97
00:06:15,023 --> 00:06:16,984
All right, we'll pick some up there.
98
00:06:17,192 --> 00:06:19,570
They'd last five days
if I turn them inside out.
99
00:06:24,116 --> 00:06:25,784
What's going on? Aren't you ready?
100
00:06:25,951 --> 00:06:28,495
- I'm packing Jake.
- For what, college?
101
00:06:29,913 --> 00:06:32,207
- What the hell's this?
- So he can go swimming.
102
00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:35,919
- Where?
- They have pools in Vegas, Charlie.
103
00:06:36,837 --> 00:06:40,466
Why don't you bring a frying pan,
they got kitchens too.
104
00:06:40,674 --> 00:06:44,052
- Let's see. Sport jacket.
- He doesn't need a sport jacket.
105
00:06:44,219 --> 00:06:46,180
What if we take him someplace nice?
106
00:06:46,346 --> 00:06:47,848
Take him someplace nice?
107
00:06:48,056 --> 00:06:51,226
Alan, if I wanna throw away money,
I'll play keno.
108
00:06:51,852 --> 00:06:54,396
- Can I gamble in Vegas?
- No.
109
00:06:54,605 --> 00:06:57,191
- Why am I going?
- Because all the kennels are full.
110
00:06:59,651 --> 00:07:01,361
Now, come on. Let's go.
111
00:07:01,528 --> 00:07:05,449
- Charlie, I haven't packed myself yet.
- What've you been doing?
112
00:07:05,657 --> 00:07:07,242
I changed the phone message...
113
00:07:07,409 --> 00:07:10,871
...to tell people we'd be out of town,
I put together a first aid kit...
114
00:07:11,038 --> 00:07:14,791
...I turned the fridge thermostat down,
because it doesn't have to be cold...
115
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,586
...I called the paper
and stopped delivery...
116
00:07:17,753 --> 00:07:19,671
...and I erased an old Mad Libs book...
117
00:07:19,838 --> 00:07:22,424
...so we'd have something
to entertain us in the car.
118
00:07:23,634 --> 00:07:24,885
- Mad Libs, huh?
- Yeah.
119
00:07:25,052 --> 00:07:26,511
Let me see that.
120
00:07:26,678 --> 00:07:29,514
Go get packed!
121
00:07:34,144 --> 00:07:35,854
Wait until you see Vegas, Jake.
122
00:07:36,021 --> 00:07:40,233
There's action everywhere you look,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
123
00:07:40,442 --> 00:07:41,944
How does that help me?
124
00:07:42,110 --> 00:07:45,113
I can't gamble,
and I have to be in bed at 9:30.
125
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,075
Hey, when we go to Disneyland
do I complain that I hate...
126
00:07:48,241 --> 00:07:52,287
...every aspect of the entire experience?
- Yeah.
127
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,501
Well, then you know how irritating it is.
128
00:07:59,086 --> 00:08:01,004
- Blackjack.
- That's it?
129
00:08:01,213 --> 00:08:02,965
Yep. You owe me another dollar.
130
00:08:04,174 --> 00:08:06,301
- This stinks.
- You wanna quit?
131
00:08:06,510 --> 00:08:08,345
Just deal the cards.
132
00:08:08,553 --> 00:08:11,223
Attaboy.
133
00:08:11,932 --> 00:08:13,725
Uncle Charlie, what's a colonoscopy?
134
00:08:14,810 --> 00:08:17,521
- Didn't your dad tell you?
- He said it was just a test...
135
00:08:17,688 --> 00:08:19,982
...and it was no big deal,
so I looked it up.
136
00:08:20,565 --> 00:08:24,027
- And?
- I don't believe it.
137
00:08:24,611 --> 00:08:26,697
Believe it.
138
00:08:27,197 --> 00:08:30,409
Wouldn't it be easier to go in
the other way?
139
00:08:32,577 --> 00:08:35,914
- You'd think, but no.
- Why do they have to do it?
140
00:08:36,123 --> 00:08:40,377
- They just wanna see what's going on.
- Did Dad lose something?
141
00:08:42,546 --> 00:08:47,092
Because when I swallowed 35 cents,
we just waited for it to come out.
142
00:08:47,926 --> 00:08:52,013
- No kidding.
- Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back.
143
00:08:53,724 --> 00:08:56,059
Well, the house always takes a cut.
144
00:08:58,854 --> 00:09:01,565
- What're you gonna do?
- Hit me.
145
00:09:01,773 --> 00:09:03,942
Okay, okay.
In Vegas, you don't say, "Hit me."
146
00:09:04,109 --> 00:09:06,027
If you want a card, you go like this.
147
00:09:06,236 --> 00:09:07,904
Okay, fine.
148
00:09:11,032 --> 00:09:14,911
- Busted. You owe me another dollar.
- What if I didn't want another card?
149
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:17,080
You go like this.
150
00:09:17,664 --> 00:09:19,666
That's what I meant to do.
151
00:09:21,168 --> 00:09:23,753
There's no do-overs in Vegas.
152
00:09:23,962 --> 00:09:26,256
What's the signal
to go to the bathroom?
153
00:09:26,465 --> 00:09:28,800
There is no signal,
you just get up and go.
154
00:09:28,967 --> 00:09:32,471
Unless you're on a hot streak,
in which case you sit and wet yourself.
155
00:09:32,679 --> 00:09:36,183
- You're kidding, right?
- You're wearing a $50 pair of slacks...
156
00:09:36,349 --> 00:09:38,852
...and you got $600 on the table,
do the math.
157
00:09:39,603 --> 00:09:42,939
I have to do math and pee my pants?
158
00:09:47,110 --> 00:09:48,403
Alan, are you ready yet?
159
00:09:48,612 --> 00:09:49,946
Just about.
160
00:09:50,155 --> 00:09:54,284
- And where'd I get the $600?
- You've been saying that for 20 minutes.
161
00:09:54,451 --> 00:09:57,704
- What are you doing?
- Financial planning.
162
00:09:59,289 --> 00:10:01,625
I don't wanna look, but I gotta.
163
00:10:03,376 --> 00:10:06,630
In class, if we have to go the bathroom,
we do this or this.
164
00:10:06,796 --> 00:10:10,300
- Get it?
- Yeah. I got it.
165
00:10:12,427 --> 00:10:15,805
Two hundred and eighty, 280, 280.
166
00:10:15,972 --> 00:10:19,059
- What the hell are you doing?
- Hang on. Two... Oh, thanks.
167
00:10:19,226 --> 00:10:21,519
Now you made me lose count.
168
00:10:22,437 --> 00:10:25,690
Ten, 10, 10.
Twenty, 20, 20.
169
00:10:25,857 --> 00:10:28,443
Stop it, stop it.
Why are you doing this?
170
00:10:29,027 --> 00:10:32,113
- I have a system.
- Do tell.
171
00:10:32,322 --> 00:10:35,367
I divide my gambling money
into three equal piles.
172
00:10:35,575 --> 00:10:37,410
The first one is for day one.
173
00:10:37,577 --> 00:10:39,162
That I'll put in my money belt.
174
00:10:39,746 --> 00:10:42,040
You're wearing a money belt?
175
00:10:42,207 --> 00:10:43,875
Oh, good, you can't tell.
176
00:10:44,042 --> 00:10:45,752
I was afraid it made me look chunky.
177
00:10:47,545 --> 00:10:51,383
Anyway, the second pile
is for day two. I'll give that to you...
178
00:10:51,549 --> 00:10:54,886
...under no circumstances do you give
it back to me before midnight...
179
00:10:55,053 --> 00:10:57,013
...which would be
the start of day two.
180
00:10:57,222 --> 00:11:00,976
Un-freaking-believable.
What's the last pile for?
181
00:11:01,768 --> 00:11:03,520
That's the most important pile.
182
00:11:03,687 --> 00:11:08,024
That's the money I hide
in my Frye boot.
183
00:11:08,692 --> 00:11:13,321
- In your boot?
- But I pretend that I don't have it...
184
00:11:13,488 --> 00:11:16,700
...so that if disaster strikes
and I've lost piles one and two...
185
00:11:16,866 --> 00:11:20,996
...then I can pull it out,
and poof, I'm solvent again.
186
00:11:22,247 --> 00:11:24,791
- Okay. I think I understand.
- Pretty clever, huh?
187
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,376
Yeah. That's a nice boot.
188
00:11:26,543 --> 00:11:28,420
- Let me see it.
- Oh, sure.
189
00:11:28,586 --> 00:11:31,965
Get dressed and let's go!
190
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,315
Okay.
191
00:11:50,150 --> 00:11:53,361
- Twenty-one!
- Turn over your hole card.
192
00:11:54,779 --> 00:11:56,698
Oh, 27.
193
00:11:56,906 --> 00:11:59,409
Close, 29.
194
00:12:00,118 --> 00:12:01,703
Okay, I'm good.
195
00:12:02,287 --> 00:12:04,706
Alrighty.
196
00:12:13,882 --> 00:12:16,426
Viva Las Vegas.
197
00:12:17,427 --> 00:12:19,679
- Oh, Alan.
- What?
198
00:12:19,888 --> 00:12:22,390
We're going in a Mercedes,
not a time machine.
199
00:12:25,059 --> 00:12:26,561
Should I change?
200
00:12:27,312 --> 00:12:30,106
You should, but after all these years,
I doubt you will.
201
00:12:34,152 --> 00:12:37,781
- What's this?
- Oh, toiletries, sundries, whatnot.
202
00:12:37,947 --> 00:12:40,366
- Really.
- Yeah, you'll thank me.
203
00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:42,911
Not all hotels supply shower caps
and sewing kits.
204
00:12:45,371 --> 00:12:47,499
Get in the car. Jake, come on.
205
00:12:47,665 --> 00:12:51,836
- Hold on a second.
- Oh, for God's sake. Now what?
206
00:12:56,841 --> 00:12:58,760
Okay, let's go.
207
00:13:05,966 --> 00:13:09,803
- Well, you don't have a fever.
- I told you, he's fine. Let's go.
208
00:13:09,970 --> 00:13:13,265
Charlie, he threw up in
your umbrella stand. Did you miss that?
209
00:13:13,474 --> 00:13:16,185
So? Vegas is full of people
who throw up.
210
00:13:17,978 --> 00:13:20,856
They built that city on a sea of vomit.
211
00:13:21,565 --> 00:13:24,235
- I'm okay, I can go.
- That's the spirit.
212
00:13:24,443 --> 00:13:28,572
You wanna drive five hours with a
puking kid in the back of your Mercedes?
213
00:13:28,781 --> 00:13:32,326
He can stick his head out the window.
Let the guy behind us worry.
214
00:13:33,702 --> 00:13:35,537
- We're not going.
- Oh, come on.
215
00:13:35,704 --> 00:13:38,040
- It's probably just something he ate.
- All right.
216
00:13:38,207 --> 00:13:40,125
What have you eaten
in the last 24 hours?
217
00:13:40,292 --> 00:13:42,836
Well, let's see,
two bowls of Cocoa Puffs...
218
00:13:43,003 --> 00:13:47,007
...a couple blueberry Pop-Tarts,
bag of string cheese.
219
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:49,927
That reminds me,
we need more string cheese.
220
00:13:50,094 --> 00:13:53,973
Then, for lunch, a Hot Pocket
and a Bagel Bite.
221
00:13:54,139 --> 00:14:00,020
Then dinner, fried chicken, mashed
potatoes and a baloney sandwich.
222
00:14:00,646 --> 00:14:02,064
Okay, it's not what he ate.
223
00:14:03,774 --> 00:14:06,902
Then, for a snack, I had a glass of Tang
and some Cheetos.
224
00:14:07,111 --> 00:14:09,613
That explains the orange vomit.
225
00:14:09,822 --> 00:14:11,281
It's probably a stomach virus.
226
00:14:11,490 --> 00:14:13,325
Oh, please. I throw up all the time.
227
00:14:13,492 --> 00:14:16,912
It's just nature's way of saying,
"Everybody out of the pool."
228
00:14:17,121 --> 00:14:19,999
- I'm putting him to bed. Come on.
- They have beds in Vegas.
229
00:14:20,165 --> 00:14:23,085
- What if he needs a doctor?
- They have doctors in Vegas.
230
00:14:23,252 --> 00:14:26,880
I bet if we looked around, we could find
a casino with a hospital theme.
231
00:14:27,089 --> 00:14:30,426
You know, Caesars Sinai
or something.
232
00:14:31,885 --> 00:14:33,679
I'll get it.
233
00:14:35,806 --> 00:14:37,599
Hello? Hey, Mom.
234
00:14:38,434 --> 00:14:40,769
Fine. Nothing.
235
00:14:40,978 --> 00:14:43,230
I threw up in Uncle Charlie's
umbrella stand...
236
00:14:43,397 --> 00:14:46,942
...and we're going to Vegas.
- No!
237
00:14:47,651 --> 00:14:49,486
What kind of a father are you?
238
00:14:49,695 --> 00:14:52,614
I am a good father.
When he threw up, I cancelled the trip.
239
00:14:52,823 --> 00:14:55,701
But you were planning to take
my 11 -year-old to Las Vegas.
240
00:14:56,285 --> 00:14:58,787
It's really a family town now.
241
00:15:00,205 --> 00:15:03,876
The mob hardly has
any influence at all anymore.
242
00:15:04,042 --> 00:15:06,503
Oh, good, Charlie. That helps.
243
00:15:06,712 --> 00:15:08,797
Were you planning on
telling me about this?
244
00:15:09,006 --> 00:15:11,467
What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas, Mom.
245
00:15:13,218 --> 00:15:14,970
Oh, good, Jake. That helps.
246
00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:19,391
- Honey, why don't you go lie down.
- Why? I'm fine.
247
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,810
Is it too late to get our bets down
with Coop?
248
00:15:22,019 --> 00:15:23,812
- What bets?
- Who's Coop?
249
00:15:24,021 --> 00:15:26,732
Go lie down. You're delirious.
250
00:15:29,026 --> 00:15:33,197
Listen, Judith, I don't think
you understand what's going on here.
251
00:15:33,405 --> 00:15:34,781
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
252
00:15:34,990 --> 00:15:37,159
- You see, this trip was my idea.
- I'm shocked.
253
00:15:37,326 --> 00:15:39,369
Let me finish.
254
00:15:39,536 --> 00:15:41,413
You see, I wanted to cheer Alan up...
255
00:15:41,622 --> 00:15:43,707
Charlie, don't. It's personal.
256
00:15:43,874 --> 00:15:45,250
She has a right to know.
257
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:48,879
Judith, Alan got some bad news
from the doctor yesterday.
258
00:15:49,087 --> 00:15:51,381
Oh, my God, Alan. What is it?
259
00:15:51,548 --> 00:15:56,720
Well, the doctor says
I have to have a colonoscopy.
260
00:15:56,929 --> 00:16:00,474
- Are you having problems?
- No, it's just routine.
261
00:16:00,682 --> 00:16:05,354
- So?
- So I'm really nervous about it.
262
00:16:05,562 --> 00:16:06,897
That's it?
263
00:16:07,439 --> 00:16:11,193
Well, it's a long, snaky thing
with a camera.
264
00:16:11,401 --> 00:16:13,570
Oh, please. Your son was
10 pounds at birth...
265
00:16:13,737 --> 00:16:15,822
...and his head was
the same size it is now.
266
00:16:16,865 --> 00:16:19,034
That's kind of apples and oranges,
isn't it?
267
00:16:19,243 --> 00:16:21,245
- Goodbye, Alan.
- Wait, wait, wait, Judith.
268
00:16:21,411 --> 00:16:24,915
- Aren't you gonna take Jake with you?
- No, I'm not taking him. He's fine.
269
00:16:25,082 --> 00:16:28,919
Don't think I don't see what's going.
You put Jake up to telling me he's sick...
270
00:16:29,086 --> 00:16:31,797
...so you could pawn him off
while you went to Las Vegas.
271
00:16:32,005 --> 00:16:34,466
He did throw up.
Smell the umbrella stand.
272
00:16:34,675 --> 00:16:36,843
I'm not buying it.
I'll get him Monday night.
273
00:16:37,010 --> 00:16:39,012
And if I find out
you took him to Vegas...
274
00:16:39,179 --> 00:16:41,598
...you'll get a colonoscopy
from my attorney.
275
00:16:43,725 --> 00:16:46,603
I've seen your alimony checks.
276
00:16:46,770 --> 00:16:49,022
You already got one.
277
00:16:52,150 --> 00:16:53,735
So, what's the deal?
Are we going?
278
00:16:53,944 --> 00:16:56,113
- I don't think so.
- Why? I'm fine.
279
00:16:56,321 --> 00:16:59,950
- Yeah, but your mom said, "No."
- Oh, man.
280
00:17:00,117 --> 00:17:02,661
Don't eat anything orange.
281
00:17:03,662 --> 00:17:06,540
- You wanna know what I think?
- Not at all.
282
00:17:06,748 --> 00:17:09,084
I think if she wanted to
keep you on a leash...
283
00:17:09,251 --> 00:17:13,005
...she shouldn't have divorced you.
- I'm not on a leash. I never was.
284
00:17:13,171 --> 00:17:15,007
You were living here
for three weeks...
285
00:17:15,173 --> 00:17:18,343
...before you were getting up
on the couch without permission.
286
00:17:18,969 --> 00:17:21,054
Can we just drop it?
It was a bad idea.
287
00:17:21,263 --> 00:17:25,267
There are no bad ideas. There's just
a lack of will to execute them.
288
00:17:26,810 --> 00:17:29,396
We're men, Alan. Single men.
289
00:17:29,604 --> 00:17:32,607
We go where we want, when we want
and how we want.
290
00:17:32,774 --> 00:17:34,693
Usually without so much toiletries...
291
00:17:34,860 --> 00:17:38,488
...but I'm trying to be flexible here.
- I explained about the toiletries.
292
00:17:38,697 --> 00:17:42,117
The point is, you can't let your ex-wife
control your behavior...
293
00:17:42,284 --> 00:17:44,953
...no matter how stupid
or self-destructive it might be.
294
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,956
- Charlie, l...
- What profit a man...
295
00:17:48,165 --> 00:17:51,001
...if he escapes the iron shackles
of matrimony...
296
00:17:51,168 --> 00:17:56,631
...only to surrender to sexually frustrated
tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?
297
00:18:00,135 --> 00:18:01,595
You know what? You're right.
298
00:18:01,762 --> 00:18:03,430
- We're men.
- Right, are you with me?
299
00:18:03,638 --> 00:18:06,266
- I'm with you.
- Grab your pack, we're going to Vegas.
300
00:18:08,185 --> 00:18:10,896
- Jake?
- Just a sec.
301
00:18:13,815 --> 00:18:16,276
It's okay. It's mostly water.
302
00:18:20,405 --> 00:18:23,658
I'm fine. Let's go. We're men.
303
00:18:23,825 --> 00:18:25,660
Nope. You're too sick.
304
00:18:25,827 --> 00:18:27,704
Some other time.
305
00:18:27,871 --> 00:18:30,332
I'm really sorry I ruined the trip,
Uncle Charlie.
306
00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:31,917
Hey, it's not your fault.
307
00:18:32,083 --> 00:18:34,002
It's your dad who won't let you go.
308
00:18:35,504 --> 00:18:38,173
- Thanks, Charlie.
- Why should he feel guilty?
309
00:18:39,007 --> 00:18:42,177
Here. Put this on Wake Forest.
310
00:18:44,179 --> 00:18:46,515
Game's over, Jake. They lost.
311
00:18:46,723 --> 00:18:50,769
- What about the spread?
- They didn't cover.
312
00:18:52,354 --> 00:18:53,688
Give me back my money.
313
00:18:56,274 --> 00:18:57,692
Get some rest.
314
00:18:57,859 --> 00:19:01,112
- I'm hungry.
- Get used to it.
315
00:19:03,657 --> 00:19:06,451
- That's some great kid.
- Yeah.
316
00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:09,538
Sick as a dog,
and all he wants is a little action.
317
00:19:09,704 --> 00:19:11,373
Well, he gets that from you.
318
00:19:11,581 --> 00:19:12,916
You think so?
319
00:19:13,083 --> 00:19:17,128
- Because I do try to be a role model.
- I know you do.
320
00:19:17,337 --> 00:19:20,131
Listen, there's no reason
you have to stick around.
321
00:19:20,298 --> 00:19:22,300
He's gonna sleep.
I can keep an eye on him.
322
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,302
No, no, I couldn't go now.
323
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:26,888
Why not? You wanted to go to Vegas.
You should go.
324
00:19:27,055 --> 00:19:30,183
You're probably gonna have a better time
without Jake and me.
325
00:19:30,392 --> 00:19:32,727
Probably? Unquestionably.
326
00:19:32,936 --> 00:19:35,105
- Then why don't you go?
- I don't know.
327
00:19:35,272 --> 00:19:38,566
It just feels somehow wrong
to abandon the kid when he's sick.
328
00:19:38,775 --> 00:19:41,236
Now you know what it feels like
to be a parent.
329
00:19:42,570 --> 00:19:44,698
How inconvenient.
330
00:19:45,740 --> 00:19:49,911
- What's that?
- It sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd.
331
00:20:00,714 --> 00:20:02,465
Berta?
332
00:20:06,970 --> 00:20:08,972
Surprise!
333
00:20:20,249 --> 00:20:21,792
I'm gonna start the IV.
334
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,003
In a few seconds,
you're gonna feel drowsy.
335
00:20:24,170 --> 00:20:27,381
No. No drowsy.
I wanna be out. Completely out.
336
00:20:27,590 --> 00:20:29,258
Don't worry, you will be.
337
00:20:29,425 --> 00:20:32,053
- Right, doctor?
- Aye.
338
00:20:32,261 --> 00:20:36,557
You won't be remembering anything,
me bucko.
339
00:20:44,607 --> 00:20:48,152
Thanks, doc. Here's the 2 grand
for your children's hospital.
340
00:20:49,695 --> 00:20:53,324
And remember, when he wakes up,
you're a gas station attendant.
341
00:21:19,433 --> 00:21:21,519
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group
342
00:21:21,685 --> 00:21:23,771
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