Original subtitles

Mom, we need to pick up bake sale supplies tomorrow.

I'm blocking off time on your calendar

between "nap in my car" and "get pedicure."

I don't have a pedicure scheduled.

I know. I decided those piggies need a spa day.

Ugh!

Work is so crazy, I have no time for anything.

Last week, I got a wax

while having a virtual gynecology appointment.

Boy, I wish my hearing was worse.

Oh, Dad, before I forget.

Are you dancing again?

It's from my tip jar.

I want to help out with the bills.

Not the water bill. The way Carter showers,

I'll never be able to afford that.

You're giving me cash?

Wow. When was the last time this ever happened?

Um... Never, never, never happened.

Mom, I'm going for my driving lesson!

I'm not taking him on a driving lesson today.

Busted.

Is that a driving instructor's car?

Temple of Vroom Driving School.

I hired Carter a driving instructor.

Okay, this isn't how I wanted you to find out.

By that I mean, I hoped you'd never find out.

We have to move again, don't we?

Why didn't you tell me this?

Well, your teaching style wasn't exactly helping Carter.

You made him flip off a school bus.

The little girl started it.

Look, my dad taught me how to drive.

I taught you and your brother how to drive.

Which was great for driving ourselves to therapy.

Look, Pops, I need to pass this test.

Your teaching makes me a little nervous.

River's teaching style is positive reinforcement.

River is a dude's name?

Or did you just make that up to piss me off?

I didn't think that an emotional support grandfather was a thing,

but I'm legally not allowed to ask.

I signed the waiver.

Do you want him here?

Yes.

Okay. Now, when you come to a stop sign,

give it a full three seconds.

Think of it as a moment of mindfulness.

Or, really, we're in California.

It's called the California stop.

You glide up to it, take a look, and you keep movin'.

I'm sorry, Mr. Parker,

as an accredited driving instructor,

that is very dangerous advice.

As an accredited driving instructor,

let me ask you a question.

About five turns back, a BMW passed us.

What color was it?

-They'd never ask you that. -Err!

Wrong answer. White BMW, chrome trim.

A good driver has to know everything.

It's called situational awareness.

Okay, now we're going to turn right up here.

Just go nice and slow.

No, no, no, no, no.

This actually goes into one lane.

Just turn and go down Sherman Way,

that way we can really beat some feet.

Do not listen to him, Carter.

He's not qualified to give a lesson just because

he bought his first car from Fred Flintstone.

Ooh! Oh no, he didn't!

Not qualified, huh?

How about taking a look at my driver's license?

I can drive a motorcycle, regular vehicle,

and I got a commercial license.

I'm like Vin Diesel with gorgeous hair.

He does get furious fast.

Well, it shows your license expired two months ago.

Were you aware of that situation?

Ooh! Oh no, he double didn't!

Damn it! The code's not working.

It's not supposed to open.

It's here to get your fingerprints and hunt down your family.

-Do you need help? -No! Ugh!

This is worse than when that Roomba sucked up my birth control pills.

But that all worked out.

Mom, we need to get the brownie stuff for the bake sale.

Ooh, I have stuff to make brownies.

But probably not the kind you want to sell to kids.

Whoever sells the most gets to be principal for a day.

This is it.

My slow but calculated ascension to world domination.

May God have mercy on Stanbridge Junior High.

Gabe, why are you just standing there? Help me!

Alright, everybody, listen.

If po-po show up, my name is Tyrone.

I don't want to point any fingers,

but I think somebody killed the robot.

Mom, can we go?

If I don't win the bake sale, Morgan Spelletti

is gonna be principal and make math optional.

Why don't we just hand the country to China?

I'm almost done, honey.

I just have to take their orders,

make the coffee, clean up, close down,

curl up in a fetal position and have a little cry.

Maybe we should just hand the country to China.

I could take Georgia.

Oh, you don't have to take her.

Please take her.

I got you. You have a robot funeral to plan.

I didn't know him that well, but I'll speak.

The delivery company is going to charge me for this.

We could fix it.

Thanks. They're still pissed about when I got drunk

and rode one home from the bar.

Riley, that was me.

Oh, God.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

In a good way, not the dead way.

-What are you doing? -Oh, I was practicing for my driver's test,

but now I'm watching videos of people eating cinnamon.

This dude just threw up.

-I totally saw that. -I know!

Hey. Get all you needed, Georgia?

Yup. Then we got froyo and hit an escape room.

We were paired with a British couple who seemed smart

but it was just their accents.

Turns out they have dumb people too.

Remember they kept saying,

"This is quite the predicament."

Wow, you guys fit in a lot. Guess everyone had a fun day.

I ran out of gas at a traffic circle.

Ew, that sucks. I'm sorry.

Yeah, that sounds like...

Quite the predicament.

Today was the best, Eve.

I wish we could hang out again tomorrow.

Ooh. Maybe you could go out for fish and chips.

Ooh, it's getting late. Matt! DMV time.

-DMV? -Yeah.

Grandpa's license expired. River busted him.

Grandpa yelled. River cried. Grandpa laughed.

Matt is handling this whole thing surprisingly well, though.

Smile for your picture, Pops.

I renew my license all the time, you know?

I just didn't get the paperwork. And then...

They always find me when it's about jury duty.

Well, that's because if the government's got

a list of 12 angry men, you're on it.

You know, I'll tell you what.

This wait time is even impressive by DMV standards.

I don't think that woman was pregnant when we got here.

Next!

How can I help you?

Who do I complain to about all of this?

He means he's here to renew this.

Oh, I understand. He just needs a little extra help.

Hm.

Mr. Parker, you need to retake your driving exam.

What?

You need to retake your driving exam!

Why does he need to retake his driver's exam?

Because that's what it says right here on the computer.

What?

Because that's what it says right here on the computer!

Your grandma used this religiously.

Powdered sugar was her cocaine.

I thought that was Aunt Gwen.

No, Aunt Gwen's cocaine was cocaine.

Okay, that's 40 brownies. How many more do we need?

200.

I have to win the bake sale.

The divorce has been so hard on me.

Fine, but it's late. I'll finish up here.

You go to bed.

Thanks so much for doing this.

Especially because we're gonna crush Morgan Spelletti's soul.

It's all gonna be because of you. Night.

Uh, 200 more.

Where's Aunt Gwen's booger sugar when you need it?

Ah!

Riley! Are you all right?

What are you cooking? Smoke?

I'll shut it off.

My brownies. No!

I'm never gonna be principal for the day.

Goodbye, Harvard. Hello, Arizona State.

Ugh!

I'll fix this, okay.

Oh, just not right now because it's 5 a.m.

and I have to go to work.

Oh. Brownie jerky.

Oh, my God. Fire, fire!

Brownies!

The company says if they don't get the robot

back by tomorrow, they're gonna charge me.

The credit card is gonna get declined, so joke's on them.

-But please tell me you fixed it. -Fixed it?

At Parker Customs and Restorations, we don't fix.

We pimp.

♪ Hey, chill, don't bump the table ♪

Hey, hey, what's this thing doing in the shop?

He's teaching Gabe how to do the Dougie.

This thing can drive, but I can't?

Guys, you are wasting valuable time.

Can I see the dance again?

♪ Hey, chill, don't bump the table ♪

-♪ What'd you say? ♪ -♪ Don't bump the table ♪

-♪ Hey, chill ♪ -♪ What? ♪

♪ Don't bump the table ♪

-Riley. -Eve.

What are you doing here?

In an apron? Oh, God. Are you and my dad role-playing?

Because my mental health can't handle that right now.

Your dad and role-playing. Can you imagine?

"I'm Mitch McConnell, and I'm a sexy turtle."

Georgia texted about brownie-gate,

so I thought I'd come help.

She texted you? That's... That's great.

I'm so glad you have the kind of relationship

where you text her and she texts you back.

It's really... It's nothing, really.

It's just about the boy in her math class

or how to use the bedazzler.

She's making Georgia 2028 hats.

Oh!

That's so fun.

"Eh, we're so close. We're working on merch together."

Oh, wow, you made all the brownies. More fun!

I had some time, and I know you've been so busy,

so I thought I'd take something off your plate...

and put something on your plate.

Little plate humor.

Eve. What do you think of this outfit for dictator...

Principal for the day?

I love it. The blazer says intimidating,

but the sneakers say approachable.

You're right. I should change my shoes.

Hey, Mom.

Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm here too.

Why don't you go spend some time with Georgia?

I got the brownies.

Um, what are you doing?

I'm just finishing them off.

That was my mom's sifter. You can't just use it.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

"Oh, I'm Eve, I can do everything."

I was just trying to help.

Yeah, well, you're not! Spending all this time

with my daughter making hats,

doing British accents, sifting...

Riley, I'm sorry.

No, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

What about these?

Do these shoes say, "Bow, peasants"?

Those are the looks of fear I'm going for.

So, Judy, uh, anybody get a perfect score on this test, or...

Let me rephrase that.

How many other people get a perfect score?

Hey, take a left here.

-You got it. -Yeah.

-Hm. -Ah.

I see you're smiling over there.

So, a good driver notices everything,

and a great driver can make people smile.

The only thing that guy's noticing is what's on his phone.

Yeah, he's probably Googling,

"How do I drive this thing?" right in the middle of traffic.

So you agree? People? Not so much.

Ugh! Do this job for 21 years, you'll pray for the apocalypse.

Oh, here is great.

-Oh, good, good. There we go. -Oh.

-Matt, I gotta say... -Mm-hmm.

I really enjoyed our time together.

Time flies when you're making fun of other people.

You're delightful.

Anyway...

you failed.

-I-I failed, really? -Yeah.

You rolled through three stop signs.

You were speeding, and you flipped off a crossing guard.

Pfft! We have beef.

You know, I've been driving my whole life.

I've never even had an accident.

I get it, you're upset.

You know, the same thing happened to my grandmother.

I failed her twice.

I'm sorry.

This is, like, the worst day of my life.

And I'm a widower.

You got screwed. You're a great driver, like me.

-Stop sign! -Oh!

-Wow. -Sorry.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi,

-three Mississippi and... -Kill me.

You know, it's weird, isn't it?

I used to need you to drive me everywhere, and now you need me.

Real Lion King moment. Circle of life.

I'm now the grandparent sitting in the wife's seat.

-It's not that bad. I mean... Stop sign! -Oh!

One Mississippi.

-Two Mississippi. -Three Mississip...

Pops?

Pops, where are you going?

They're gonna call in a Silver Alert.

Hey! Peace offering. Nice bottle of wine.

Oh.

It's open.

I had a really bad day.

Thank you. But you don't have to apologize for anything.

Uh, no.

I was tired, irrational, and honestly... jealous

because you and Georgia were having so much fun.

I get it.

My son barely spoke to me when he was a teenager.

I set up a gaming profile just so I could hear his voice.

And when my avatar asked him how school was,

he threw a grenade at me.

It gets better.

Oh. Does it?

It feels like everything is getting harder.

I love running my own business,

but I feel like life was so much easier

when I didn't care about my job.

I should have fired you a long time ago.

Don't feel guilty about finding your passion.

You're a great mom.

Ugh! I just feel so overwhelmed.

That's why I got all weird when I saw you with my mom's sifter.

It just reminded me that she could do everything,

and you can do everything, and I can barely do anything.

You know, when I was first opening this place, I was alone

and I felt like I was drowning.

I barely had any time to see my son,

let alone shower, or change my underwear, or meet a guy.

Maybe that third one is related to the first two.

But I had to learn to lean on the people around me.

You don't have to do this on your own.

Asking for help does not mean you're a failure.

Thank you. God knows where I got that idea.

Maybe from my dad saying, "Asking for help means you're a failure."

He said that to me in bed last night.

What? I didn't want to get up to turn off the light.

Oh.

Thank God, because otherwise... blech!

Oh, you know what? I'm gonna take this to go.

It's been a really bad day.

Oh, hey. How did the bake sale go?

You're looking at your new principal.

Suck it, Morgan Spelletti, and your dry-ass cinnamon rolls.

Hey, that's out of line.

Morgan sold the dry-ass cupcakes.

Taylor had the dry-ass cinnamon rolls.

-Where's Grandpa? -Mm-mm-mm.

He got out of the car in the middle of me driving us home.

The streets have him now.

Huh, his phone's off.

We were just with Eve. The shop is closed.

He'd better not be driving without a license.

I should have bought more wine.

♪ On a long and lonesome highway ♪

♪ East of Omaha ♪

♪ You can listen to the engine ♪

Okay. Engine isn't running, so it's not worst-case scenario.

Is he eating in the Impala?

He wouldn't even let us drink water

when we were stranded on the 405.

♪ Your thoughts will soon be wanderin' ♪

♪ The way they always do when you're riding... ♪

What's going on, buddy?

Oh, God.

You want me to get the teeny-tiny car vacuum?

Nah. It's okay.

I'm just getting used to the thought of not driving again.

It's like Seger says, I don't feel much like riding.

I just wish the trip was through.

I'm sorry you failed your driving test, Dad,

but you'll pass next time.

Maybe I won't. My dad didn't.

He lost his license, couldn't work,

couldn't do anything for himself except eat pudding.

But look at you, eating chips.

No.

Intervention!

Hey. Sorry if I upset you, Pops.

Nah, that's just the circle of life.

On my way to Pudding Town.

Seriously? Some instructor

fails you one time and you're giving up on life?

Not giving up on life. You just can't beat time, kid.

I think this administration is getting rid of

daylight savings, so we're getting close.

Come on, Dad. You're a Parker.

When they took Grandpa's license,

he drove for another ten years.

Sure. The last two were on his Rascal,

but he didn't know the difference.

Yeah, that's because I put

a bigger battery in there and new motors.

That guy was able to haul ass through the hallways

of that old age home. It was really funny.

That's where I'm going to end up.

We're not gonna put you in a home, Pops.

Not because we don't want to, because we can't afford it.

Bet we could if we sold this car.

Over my dead body.

Well, then we'd definitely sell it.

As long as you don't die in it and decrease the value.

I'm gonna die in this car right now just to spite you.

You're sounding meaner, does that mean you're better?

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't eat in this car, you little dweeb.

And he's back.

Thanks for fixing it.

Just so you know, I'm not paying for any of the parts, or labor,

or the Western-themed photo shoot you did with it.

No, that was Gabe's idea.

I just was happy to have another reason to wear my leather chaps.

Goodbye, Doctor Funky.

You named him?

Oh, no. His moves named him.

♪ Here I am ♪

Doctor Funky!

Oh no.

Did I hit something?

I've got to get my license back.