Original subtitles

You need a Valentine's goody bag for every kid in the class?

My teacher says no one should feel left out.

She doesn't want the nerds to be reminded they're nerds.

That's very sweet. It's like affirmative action for dorks.

It's about time we got some action.

Hey, Carter, help me with something.

You're in the robotics club, right?

But somehow the coat hook is just too advanced for you?

Yeah, kids. You know jackets go on the couch.

Ooh. Where you going all done up?

I got a thing.

What thing?

A thing.

He's not gonna tell us.

We can go on his phone later. His password is 1776.

-It's a lady. Up top, Pops. -Ha-ha.

It's Valentine's Day. I'm gonna go see your grandma.

Oh, boy.

Pops, Grandma's dead.

No way. Somebody should've told me.

I love that you're visiting Mom today, but I have to go to work,

and I was hoping you could watch the kids.

You say "the kids." They're not my kids. They're your kids.

My kids are grown up and barely surviving. This isn't my job, honey.

Mom, I can watch Georgia.

I mean, I'm 15. It's time I learn to be the man of the house anyway.

You seen how much bacon he eats?

Are you sure? I'll be gone all day.

And it's not like back in Vegas where fat Elvis would keep an eye on you.

This is a really safe neighborhood.

The only homeless people are right here in this living room.

Oh, hey, uh, sorry I'm late.

You know, I wanted to get here earlier, but you know Riley. "Blah, blah, blah."

Couldn't get out of the house.

But you're probably busy, though,

playing bocce ball with Saint Peter, you know.

Having a meal with Gandhi, finally.

Excuse me.

I think you're talking to my husband, Raymond.

No, Raymond's over there. I'm talking to my wife, Diane.

Oh. Phew!

I don't know, I saw some guy with flowers.

I started to wonder if Ray didn't tell me everything.

Hmm.

Any idea how much longer you need?

Well, it's my dead wife. It's not a treadmill.

-But if you're in a hurry, I supp-- -Oh, thanks so much.

Diane, I bet you got some stories.

Oh. Thank God you're both here.

-You okay? -My boss at the dance studio

wants to make a video of all the employees dancing for social media.

So, what's the problem?

If I could dance, I would have made way more money in Vegas.

Yeah, in fourth grade, she got kicked out of the school production of Oklahoma!

Only white girl asked to leave Oklahoma.

Well, I am just gonna hide in here, and everyone will forget I exist.

It's worked so far with the bill collectors.

Well, you know what else works? Paying your damn bills.

Riley, I'm gonna teach you some dance moves.

I need some music. Stitch.

That's it. Okay, there we go. You ready?

First move, Checking the Oil, and it starts with the hips.

Check the oil. Check that oil.

Check the oil. Check that oil.

Check the oil. Check that oil.

Okay. Next move.

If you wanna go with something a little softer,

we go with Change the Tire.

And it starts with the hips.

We go low. We go low.

Then we change the tire. Change that tire. Change the tire.

Change that tire. Change the tire.

-Change that tire. Change the tire. -And God took my legs?

Hey, uh, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be putting candy into the bags.

I don't consider Maisey peanut-butter-cup worthy.

Uh, and you're not supposed to be eating those.

You're not the boss of me.

Uh, Mom left me in charge.

Plus, I'm older than you. I'm bigger than you. I'm smarter--

I'm bigger than you.

Oh. I see what this is about.

-You wanna wet your beak. -What?

Here you go.

Don't you have, like, a bike to ride or something?

Eucalyptus?

Yeah, it always brought Ray peace.

Always brought me an allergy attack.

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I-I-I should have asked first.

Well, at least if I die… …I'm close to home.

Ah, I see Diane is gonna spend eternity on top.

Too soon?

Do you ever not say the first thing that comes into your mind?

Hey, look, you don't exactly scream

"maybe I should keep that hot take to myself."

-I keep a lot of stuff to myself. I do. -Okay.

Some stuff.

A few things.

-People are idiots. What can I say? -Mmm. Hmm.

Yeah, no, they-they-they really are.

Thanks for letting me have some time alone with her.

She loved Valentine's Day.

Ray loved Valentine's Day too.

Yeah, he wrote me poems. He gave me flowers.

I mean, he wanted something else, but he hid it well.

I don't get here as much as I should.

Well, how long has it been?

Oh… Be about a little over a year now.

Ah. So you're still in it.

Yeah, I mean, it's been five years for me.

And don't worry, it-it does get easier to move on eventually.

I find that hard to believe.

Have you tried any support groups?

Did my daughter send you?

She's got opinions about…

Well, she's got opinions about everything really.

Well, there are some really good ones out there.

I can… I can send you a link.

I'm not into support groups or any groups with, um, people in them.

Huh.

Well, um, another thing that helped me move on is just getting back out there.

Have you started trying to connect with someone new?

I'm not ready for that.

Oh. Yeah. Right. Well, it involves people.

Well, when you are ready,

you know Olsen's Food Market in the… in the Arts District?

-Mm-hmm. -Yeah?

Well, it's a great place to meet older singles.

Well, I've been there.

That would explain why that woman wanted me to bend over

to pick up something on the lower shelf.

Yeah. I gotta try that.

Uh, I go there quite a bit to, uh, to, you know, mmm, shop.

-Ooh, excuse me. -Yeah.

Uh…

-What… What's so funny? -Ah, that's funny.

My granddaughter just puked on my grandson…

-Ugh. -…but he's just…

It's probably not that funny, really. I probably should go.

Um, listen, um…

This little support group wasn't bad.

Well, I could text you some info on a real one

in case you change your mind.

Here.

There you go.

I changed my mind once in the '70s. I didn't like it then, so…

Yeah.

Is she gonna make it?

It's candy, not Ebola.

How did you eat so much candy?

It's a gift.

And a curse.

-Uh-oh, Grandpa. -Hold, hold it, hold, hold.

Garbage, garbage, garbage, garbage, garbage, garbage.

Watch out, watch out, watch out. Hair. There.

All right. Okay.

Solid hair-holding technique.

Used to it. Your mom used to love keggers.

- Okay. - All right.

I think I got all the evil out.

-Yeah, you did. -I'm gonna go lay down.

-Okay. Rinse your mouth out, all right? -Mm-hmm.

And lay down, cover up, and I'll be right up there, okay?

We gotta let your mom know that she's sick.

Or do we?

We do.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

You wanna wet your beak.

You're a very strange kid.

It's just, she got sick while Mom left me in charge.

Mom's gonna be really pissed.

Most likely, yeah.

That's part of growing up, kid.

You gotta be responsible for the stuff you do.

Like when you dropped me when I was five and told Grandma I tripped?

Wow. The fact that you remember that says I didn't drop you hard enough.

-♪ I'm a devil wearing Prada… ♪ -Nope.

Nope.

These girls weren't built for dancing. Okay?

God clearly built me to carry overflowing beer steins

during medieval happy hour, not dance.

Dancing is like life, okay? You just…

You just trust that it'll work out, you get lost in the moment,

and then you dance like nobody's watching.

It's going on social media. Literally everyone is watching.

My life is already a disaster. I can't become a meme.

What happened to the old Riley

who was never scared to get outside of her comfort zone?

She got knocked up, went broke, was dragged back to this hellhole.

Oh, it's nice to know you miss us too.

You-You can't lose your fearless side, okay?

It's who you are.

Listen, whatever happens,

just know the people that matter will always have your back.

Well, when you say all that, I kind of have to give it another try.

Oh. I can't do the dance.

I have to leave because Georgia's puking.

Which is obviously terrible.

I texted your mom, so you're safe until she gets home.

Oh, Charlotte.

So it was a lady.

My man.

You know, it's not polite to spy on people when they're texting.

Your font's so big, they can read it

from one of those government drones you're always talking about.

And just so you know, you have my blessing.

Don't need it and don't want it.

She sent quite a few messages.

She's a friend. That's what friends do.

They send texts and a lot of texts.

You know, if you had any friends, you'd know.

I'm not gonna lie.

Love how close we're getting.

- Hey, hey. - Hey.

How's Georgia?

Oh, uh, she's… she's better.

She's sleeping right now, and just to be safe,

I put crucifixes in all four corners of her room.

I'm gonna check on her real quick,

and then I have to pick up her nausea medicine.

Why don't you just stay with her? I'll go get it.

Thank you. It's at Olsen's.

Huh?

Our Olsen's?

No, the Olsen's in New Jersey. You have a flight in two hours.

I'll go get it.

-I'll be right back. -Wait, hang on.

Aren't you banned from Olsen's after the ham-weighing incident?

The butcher had his fat thumb on the scale.

I know my honey-baked.

Full pound, my ass.

Yeah, Riley, I'm in the café

because apparently it's gonna be 45 minutes…

45 minutes!

…until I get the prescription because, obviously,

it takes a long time to put 12 pills from one bottle to the next bottle!

Anyway, call me when you get this.

Oh, it's Dad.

Hey, Matt.

Hey, Charlotte.

I, uh, recognized your irritated tone from across the store.

This is kind of random.

Not really. I told you I come here.

Do I look like the kind of guy that listens to people?

I'm just here getting medicine for my granddaughter.

Ah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Whatever you say.

Uh…

So you decided to do a little shopping, huh?

No, I'm not shopping.

I'm just waiting for a cup of coffee

because apparently the medication's gonna take--

Forty-five minutes!

Yeah, I got that part. I'm pretty sure the whole store did.

Okay. Well, anyway, I'm waiting for some coffee. Do you wanna join me?

Oh. Uh, s…

Yeah. I-I'd like that.

-Oh, good. -Yeah.

Uh…

By the way, I, uh, I already scoped the whole store for silver foxes,

and it's pretty slim pickings.

But I did try that move where you, uh, ask somebody to bend over

and pick something up from the lower shelf,

and, uh, unfortunately he fell over.

I think he's still back there.

I'm never eating candy again.

Not so great on the way back up, huh?

The worst.

Remember that when someone offers you something called jungle juice.

You know better than to eat that much candy.

Just because it's easy to trick your brother doesn't mean you should.

Uh, she didn't trick me, Mom.

I'm actually more aware than people think.

Your shirt is inside out.

The point is,

I let Georgia eat the candy, and I let you down,

so send any punishments my way.

There's no punishment.

Oh, boy.

Grandpa left me a voicemail.

I'm gonna need some jungle juice.

Why'd you cover for me?

Because I'm your big brother.

That's my job.

Thanks.

Sorry I puked in your room.

You didn't puke in my room.

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

The first Valentine's with Diane,

I decided to take her to one of those high-end French restaurants.

I can't remember the name of it.

All I remember was they had a… like, a waiter, kind of,

with a bow tie in the bathroom handing out towels and mints.

I-I don't need a guy as an audience in the bathroom.

All right, all right. You're going on a tangent. Just…

Oh, yeah. I tend to do that. That's part of my charm.

If you say so.

Anyway, when the waiter gets to the table,

the menu items were actually more money than the rent I was paying at the time.

I was, like, panicking.

And so I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu,

which was corkage fee.

But I called it "corkage fay." Said it like that. So…

Wow. Ooh, it's like I'm actually in Paris.

Yeah.

Well, I would have pretended to go to the bathroom and just left.

She didn't do that.

Right away, she just said, "You know, I don't really like wine that much.

I wonder if they have beer."

And I said, "I'm not letting this one go."

I love that.

Yeah, thanks for sharing.

Yeah, my last Valentine's Day, we went to karaoke,

and, um, I learned that whiskey plus Johnny Cash

leads to a grown man weeping.

Oh. Very common.

- Very common. - Yeah.

Was that a previous thing, or did you meet somebody here?

-Oh, here. Yeah. -Here?

We dated for almost two years.

Two years?

I can't imagine dating again,

and not just because I think Diane would haunt me.

Look, I… I get that,

and I was the same way.

But at some point, I did connect with someone new,

and I realized that moving forward,

it didn't mean that I was leaving someone behind.

Was that on a Hallmark card?

T-shirt in Mexico.

I appreciate you saying that. I appreciate that.

Oh, good. Prescription is ready for pickup.

Thank you!

Well, this has been actually nice.

Unusual for me to meet somebody that isn't immediately annoying.

Uh…

Look, I, um…

Happy to chat anytime.

Yeah. Hmm.

-Yeah. -Hey. Okay.

Thanks. I just didn't, uh…

I don't want to give you the wrong impression here.

No, no, no. Don't worry.

Look, you're great, but, uh…

something about you reminds me of the last man I was with.

You're a good brother.

You didn't have to take the hit for your sister.

I was just trying to do what I thought you would do.

Have you seen where that's gotten me?

Stop. Mom, I-I'm serious.

You're the coolest person I know.

Well, that's funny. Because you are the coolest person I know.

Gabe, what are you doing here?

Well, I knew you had a tough day, so I brought chicken soup for Georgia,

some pizza for you, and my favorite for me,

wagon wheel butter pasta.

Well, thank you.

Sorry I just ran out.

Please. You didn't run. You skipped.

That was the closest you got to dancing.

Fine. I was overjoyed.

But tomorrow is the last dance video, and I gotta go in and be a part of it.

Oh. So Old Gabe did have an effect, huh?

It's what I call myself when I say something wise.

Old Gabe.

As much as I appreciated your encouragement,

it was actually Carter.

Carter's got better moves than me?

Dance-off. Now.

He did something I know he was scared to do,

and he said I inspired him to do it.

I just wanna be the person he thinks I am.

Hey, now that the dance is back on, I got another move for you.

I call it the Martini-Shake Stank Face.

And it starts with the hips.

And then you go for the shake.

Shake.

Now the stank face. Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's it. That's the stank face.

That's it. Stank face.

- Hey. - Hey there.

Well, I got Georgia's prescription.

She pukes just like her mother.

-Is she okay? -Yeah.

Sorry the pharmacy took so long. I hope it wasn't too annoying.

Hey, uh, this morning when I went to see your mom,

I met this interesting woman.

Tell me you didn't pick up a date at Mom's grave.

No, no. She was just a real nice person,

and she had lost her husband, and she…

she kinda helped me sort things out a little bit.

That's great.

Who knew talking to someone could help?

Sorry, it's just such a good told-you-so moment.

Anyway, I saw her at the grocery store again.

Wow. And as I was driving home, I felt really, uh, guilty.

-Why? -Talking to a woman, you know,

I felt like I was, uh, betraying your mom somewhat, you know?

Dad, Mom would want you to find peace

and as close to happiness as someone like you can muster.

Maybe meeting that lady was what you needed to help you move on.

Mom would have said there are no--

Coincidences.

She said that a lot, didn't she?

I'm not really ready to date or anything like that,

but I wonder if that might change.

And how would you feel about that?

I'm here, and I'm happy to talk.

Unless it's about you bumping uglies. Then, please, God, never mention a word.

I don't think I'd call it ugly.

♪ I'm a devil wearing Prada They call me Meryl Chic ♪

Shouldn't we get back to work?

♪ Flaming hot, Taki cheeto Call me Chester the Cheat ♪

♪ I throw a punch like Muhammad Ali ♪

♪ I'ma hit 'em with a jab ♪

♪ Left hook, right hook Put 'em in a bag ♪

♪ I'ma hit 'em with a jab ♪

♪ Left hook, right hook Put 'em in a bag ♪

Sick.

That would be an understatement.

Damn, girl. You a meme already.