Original subtitles

[MGM lion roaring]

[Music]

♪ Lamb, soon you'll smile, ♪

♪ love will be here. ♪

♪ Dreams left behind, ♪

♪ now are here. ♪

♪ Live them well, ♪

♪ there's no need to regret... ♪

♪ And though at times ♪

♪ you'll see things around. ♪

♪ Tumbling down, not knowing the season, or the reason. ♪

♪ Should if a breeze turn your mind ♪

♪ to one you knew, whose love's true, ♪

♪ You don't choose it, only lose it. ♪

♪ Then know, that you're losing control. ♪

♪ It's no place you should go, don't lose control. ♪

♪ Times progress and nature will change. ♪

♪ All must blend to rearrange. ♪

♪ Hearts remain the same and reflect. ♪

♪ Where if you find, you're being lost always in the crowd, ♪

♪ and all you hear's the laughter, it's you he's after. ♪

♪ That knows, that you're losing control. ♪

♪ It's no place you should go, don't lose control. ♪

Damn it, I've got a headache.

The team's ready, Clay.

They're ready to drop dead.

No need to worry, Clay.

That's the only thing that damned idiot can do.

How come he don't let out some of his breath,

instead of trying to bust down the door like that?

Because that dumb-bell is dumb.

He can't talk, except with his hands and his feet. Huh?

Right, stupid?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Where'd you find him?

Ah, he mosied in here one day sometime back.

Ate a meal, couldn't pay for it.

Let him cut some wood for the meal,

only he got hungry and ate again.

Ever since then I'm a whole plate of beans ahead of him.

Ain't that right,

you stupid clown?

Yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh.

Maybe your beans done it.

Well, better get started.

Coach leaving for Lubbock.

Whoever's coming with me better shake it up.

- Have a good time. - All right, thank you, sir.

Let's get going, man.

Ya!

[Trumpet Playing]

Get moving, you lame-brain.

We got customers.

Howdy.

Get the horses, stupid.

Turn around.

You.

Oh, there ain't no bounty on that idiot's head, boys.

I'm the only one that's after him,

and that's only for the price of a plate of beans.

Where's the men's room?

Specialty of the house.

Used my old fat-back.

How did the hunting go this time, boys?

Bad.

We were on McCoy's tracks, all right, but the Rangers beat us to him.

They take the bread right out of your m...

You know, I think we've seen that baboon somewhere.

Hey, you.

You ever been in Baton Rouge?

Hanging around the bank.

You answer.

- Say yes sir, or no sir. - [Mumbling]

You'll be here a long time waiting for him to answer.

The idiot can't talk, he's a mute.

Say, hear anything about the Englishman's bunch?

Yeah, I hear they busted up.

They tell me the preacher's somewhere in Arizona pushing God.

Them religious sermons, he's a real fanatic.

And the monkey's cooling his heels in the Yuma County jail.

And the big fella just disappeared.

Somebody get the Englishman?

Nope, they found him stretched out stone dead on the prairie.

They found out later he'd had a stroke in a bawdy house,

while making love to an Irish tart.

He asked to be left out there to thank this country and the prairie for all it had given him.

Coming here from England without a cent.

Thank the prairie. How do you like that?

That stupid bastard of an Englishman.

The Englishman was a gentleman and a scholar.

Shut up, you dumb ox.

[Sipping]

Have something?

How much are you worth?

Three hundred?

More or less. I don't remember.

Dead or alive?

Either way.

If you want to see one more sun come up, better come with us peacefully.

Look.

The Englishman was a friend of mine and he weren't no bastard.

No, he was an Englishman.

I said, the Englishman weren't no bastard.

Okay, the Englishman was no bastard.

Feel better now?

Nope.

You gotta say,

"The Englishman was no bastard, sir".

That's better. Now hold it.

Just till we finish our lunch.

[Laughing]

[Music]

- Howdy. - Oh, yeah.

What can I do for you?

Well, I think that front left shoe's a little loose, can you take a look at it?

I can see from here that horse has fallen arches.

Well, can you fix it?

Sure, I can fix it.

Say, have you seen a sort of a strange fella around town?

He's kind of a freak.

Y'all go straight to hell after you get over to that church.

And get there fast.

That's him all right.

Go on you harlot.

To the house of the Lord.

[Laughing]

He always had a way with women.

Out you sinners, everybody out!

Over to the church, over to the church.

Brimstone, fire, locusts!

Let Sodom and Gomorrah repent!

And the gates of paradise shall be open to you.

Magdalena, what in the hell are you doing there?

Ain't you ever gonna get on your feet?

Let her alone.

No more gin, get over to the church. Come on.

Get out, hurry up, take that piano down there.

Sing the glories of the Lord,

and I'll guarantee you a real good future come judgment day.

You alcoholics up there, stop wavering.

Walk straight, on the path of the Lord.

And all of you damn, crooked gamblers...

I want you to stop skinning the men who have families.

Or you shall be constrained to playing with red hot iron cards.

Out of a deck where the Lord holds all the aces.

And believe me brother, those cards burn.

They're red-hot!

And you,

I weep when I think of what awaits you.

You shall be forced to mate with vampires and demons.

Saturated with the devil's own burning incandescent flesh.

Magdalena, you're trembling.

Perhaps there's a chance you might be saved because you're afraid, huh?

I'm just so cold in here, so get your sermon done with.

I've got a lot of customers waiting,

and believe me, they're full of the devil too.

Ah, you accursed alcoholics,

You shall be condemned to wander the desert of eternity,

beneath the shower of hot ashes.

And no umbrellas, brothers.

That don't bother me none.

But is there a chance that we'll be able to get a snort every now and then?

A snort, Devlin?

Well, I guess so.

I know the Lord's pretty hard on a man sometimes,

But I don't think he'd deny a poor sinner a shot of good Kentucky whiskey every once in a while.

So what do you say to that?

Hum?

Okay, then were all for that stuff showering down.

And now, I want to hear everybody sing.

[Chorus singing]

Stop, I got a headache.

Church is done.

All right, up with that piano, and none of your lip.

You're in the Lord's house, dammit!

And get back to the saloon where you belong, you sinners.

Stop complaining, and you ladies get on back to the saloon and spread the good word of the Lord,

if you're going to spread anything. Go on.

How in the Hell are you, Joe?

Well, may I be struck dead in my tracks.

Yeah, good luck, big brother.

God knows it's good to see you again, Bull.

But listen,

Weren't we supposed to meet the Englishman and Monkey a couple of months from now in Abilene?

- Well, that's what the Englishman said. - Well then?

The Englishman ain't gonna make it, Joe.

Well, why not?

You mean somebody finally got him, huh?

Who did it?

One of your few mistakes, boss.

He died in a Tucson cat house.

Making love to an Irish working girl.

My, what a way to die.

Of course, it conflicts with a man coming pure to the Lord,

But it's a fine way for a man to go.

Well, how about Monkey? Where's he?

Now, where in the Hell else would he be if we let him travel by himself?

Well, don't you think we ought to go look him up?

Yeah, I reckon so.

Smile. Oh, voluptuous, cool-breathed Earth.

Earth, of the slumbering and liquid trees.

Earth, of departed sunsets.

Earth of the mountains' misty tops.

Of the vitreous pour of the full moon, just tinged with blue.

Smile for your...

Smile for your lover, for your lover cometh.

It's a canticle.

Yeah, it's mighty pretty.

Walt Whitman, the poet.

Ben Dilligan, dry goods.

How'd you do?

Hey, look, two cowboys.

Yep, those are real cowboys, no doubt about it.

- Mounted on real horses. - Yeah.

It's the Wild West, all right.

Look at that damn contraption.

Finally caught up with us.

Sneaks up on a man like a spider-web.

Come on, let's ride.

He was a long way from here and Monkey ain't having no picnic.

Yeah.

Outside!

Come on, move!

Dress left, front face.

On the double!

Move, move, move!

One-two, one-two, one-two, one-two.

Come on, move!

Hands down!

Come on, one-two, one-two, one-two.

Come on.

You look like a bunch of old ladies.

One-two, one-two.

Faster!

Move, move, move!

Come on, move!

Halt!

Hold it.

Now look, Monkey.

You're gonna lose a hand, Monkey.

You think so?

That's right.

What do you say to about 20 licks with the bullwhip, huh?

- Make it ten? - Eighteen.

Twelve?

Fifteen?

You got a deal.

Okay.

Guard!

Yeah.

The jacket, Monkey. Huh?

The jacket. I gotta whip you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Liggett. - Yes, sir.

Give me 12-44, that is prisoner 12-44.

I mean prisoner Monkey Smith to my office, at once!

Yes, sir.

What in the hell does he want?

Get moving, you ape.

Our flag.

Just think,

13 stripes and 42 stars.

And growing.

Well, now, gentlemen, we're here...

Please don't.

[Knocking]

Come in.

Come in.

On your feet, you.

Liggett! At ease.

Monkey,

that is, Mr. Smith, is free.

What?

He was up for pardon for, for, good conduct.

Beg pardon.

Sir, have you forgotten that this gorilla here stirred up a revolt just yesterday?

He even beat up a guard.

And if that ain't enough, he put a scorpion in my hat.

- Can't you have fun around here? - Shut up!

Listen, sir, this here is the worst.

Do it, Liggett.

These gentlemen have an order for his release.

That can't be.

Can I see the order?

With your permission, naturally.

Why, certainly.

Gentlemen, would you please show him your orders?

Show him the orders.

Yeah, I got 'em here somewhere.

You got them orders?

Well, hold up.

- Oh, excuse me, sir. - Have 'em around here someplace.

Look and see if they ain't maybe down there.

Well, what do you know?

There they are.

Right under my nose.

Ain't that right?

- Yeah, under the circumstances. - Uh-huh.

What are you gents standing up for?

Park yourselves down, fellers.

Yeah, make yourself at home, Liggett.

Say, how'd it go, monkey?

Oh, not bad. Not bad.

It could have been worse.

How's this here prison warden treating you?

Okay, a little lazy maybe.

Actually, Liggett should have been the warden. Yeah, yeah.

This badge-toter.

How about him?

Oh, you know how badge-toters are.

A fair hand with a whip, too.

Well, it figures.

According to what I hear, folks who come to this place are pretty hard cases.

Ain't that right?

I think he'd get on your nerves, Bull, you know.

Because he's always hollering.

Yeah, never shuts up.

That isn't nice of you.

How do I look?

Like the warden of a prison.

You're right.

- Let's get the hell out of here. - Yeah.

Wait a minute.

You ain't thinking about killing him, are you?

Damn tootin'.

- You can't. - Why not?

Because it's Sunday and you don't work on the Lord's Day.

- You know that. - Uh-huh.

You sure it's Sunday?

Of course.

So, now what?

Let's get a little order here, boys.

That's all right, Lennon.

Attention. I have some good news for you boys.

Monkey Smith.

That fine, upstanding Monkey Smith,

has been pardoned for good conduct.

He's been pardoned for having been such a good example to his fellow inmates.

And to celebrate this event,

Sergeant Liggett will give you an exhibition requiring great acrobatic skill.

He'll dive into the swelling waters of the river down there.

Ready, Liggett?

Well now, Liggett.

Come on, do your stuff.

Up, man, up.

Come on, Liggett, time's a-wastin', let's go.

The boys, tell me the water's just fine,

warmer than usual.

Isn't that right, boys?

You see?

Go ahead.

Hey, you're out of your mind, Liggett.

Shut up, Lennon!

And now the rest of you, back up, if you don't want to get splashed.

And no applause till the act is over.

Courage.

Come on.

[Screams]

Holy sufferin' Moses.

Did you get hurt, Liggett?

Cold, that water.

I expected something a little better.

Yeah.

But it should have killed him, and I don't think it did.

Next time, next time.

[Music]

Oh, there, there, there, my precious. What a dreadful journey.

But mommy will take good care of you. You're my hope, my beloved.

Mommy's little darling, what's wrong with you today?

Oh, he doesn't like traveling like this, you know. He likes to run and play.

Well, then throw him out so he can chase the stage.

Let the exercise keep you quiet.

Don't listen to the nasty man.

America, America...

It's truly a grand country.

Oh, it ain't, bad.

Horace Greeley was right when he said, "Go west, young man, go west".

Oh, is that what he said?

Yes, it's an historic phrase by now.

Yeah, well, the word gets around.

Have you any idea how long it'll take to reach Tubbuck?

In my opinion, everything goes right,

in about three hours.

I fail to see what could happen.

Well, son, there's always a chance or two of gunshooters in this here part of the country.

You don't say?

The Hell I don't.

I don't know why, but it ain't likely to look in a man's hat.

Ain't that the truth?

Don't worry, sonny.

If they try anything with us,

they'll end up drowning in their own blood.

A rather determined chap, aren't you?

[Laughing]

I never give an inch.

I kill.

Well, what's the plan?

I feel like pulling a hold-up.

No, first we hit town to pick up some grub and some whiskey.

Then we head for Paradise Valley to rest and meditate, then we can decide.

Yeah, it takes a lot of money to do that.

A lot of money.

Well, Bull's got a hundred bucks.

I'm robbing you, friend, so fork over that money.

- And no tricks. - Oh, shut up.

Fork it over, I said!

Might as well give it to him, Bull, or he'll keep it up till dark.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Here.

[Laughing]

I always get a bang out of it.

It's been a long time since I stuck a gun in anybody's ribs.

Yeah, we're all out of practice.

You just stick your gun in those beans instead.

Hey, why don't you ask your friend up there to...

send us a nice big fat stagecoach to hold up.

I'll see what I can do.

Well, what do you know.

Won't you fellas ever get it through your heads that the ways of the Lord are infinite?

[Laughing]

We've stopped for a little while, Poopsy darling,

so we could have a little doo-doo.

Don't be frightened, your mommy's here.

That's it, back into your little bed.

Oh, I know it's a dreadful trip,

but you have to sleep a while, honey.

Oh, it's so awkward with the sweet little thing. Come on, Poopsy, close your eyes.

Are you worried?

To tell the truth, I don't know.

No need to.

Not when I got this rifle in my hands.

Well, he's obliged it enough.

Drop the rest of them damn gun belts, or you'll drown in your own blood.

That goes for you too, sonny.

All right, Mother Hubbard, out of the cupboard.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Come on.

- Hold my horse. - Yeah, go ahead.

The first guy that moves, kill him on sight.

- Hey, listen, I got a family. - Oh, shut up!

I got a family. What are you standing there like that for?

Hand it over.

You always travel around that light mister?

Well, the way things are these days,

I'd do the same thing.

Yeah, right.

Come on, slowpoke.

Ah, it ain't worth it.

Listen, don't hurt me. I've got a family, I...

His wife must have spent it all.

Those Eastern gals.

They spend it like water.

Shouldn't let her do that.

Up with your hands and out with your money.

If I raise my hands, I can't give you my money.

That's right,

I'll save you the trouble.

These duds must cost a lot.

Is this all you got?

Well, good clothes today cost a fortune,

but yes, that's all I have.

Take a look in the coach.

- I got a family. - Keep your hands up, family man.

- Okay. - What do you got there?

I don't know, but it's nice and heavy.

Oh, no, no, please don't take my...

It's all I have.

You don't have it anymore.

Thanks, lady, but you're too old.

The poor thing has lost consciousness because of the shock.

Keep it quiet.

Good thing they left when they did.

Or they would have drowned in their own blood, right?

Yeah.

That's right.

I say, that's very strong tobacco, old man.

You should smoke less, it's not good for your lungs.

So they say.

[Old Man Mumbling]

Try this, it's English tobacco.

Too sweet.

Mix it with dry horse manure, it'll taste a lot better, and smell better too.

Well, not having a horse,

I'll smoke it this way for the time being.

Suit yourself.

Say, you sure there's a cabin around here?

That's what I was told.

Why?

I never heard that.

Who'd ever build himself a house in the middle of the clouds with bears for neighbors?

- A present-day Diogenes, for example. - Yeah, what?

He was someone who was looking for a man.

- One like that right here in the county. - Uh, not exactly.

A bounty hunter?

No, not that either.

What do you expect to find up there?

Angels, my friend. Three of them.

Well, I'll be.

May I drop dead in my tracks.

Not before we reach our destination, I hope.

There it is, just like you said.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Come on.

I've got to cut out.

Whoa, whoa there.

Hey, I say!

Is anyone home?

I say, you better get out of here.

Why?

Because if the owner of this cabin is just a might touchy,

there ain't nothing to stop you from catching a four-to-five slug with your forehead.

No one ever shoots at those who come in peace, old chap.

Well, maybe not where you come from, "old chap".

God save you from the queen, my son.

Few have lived quite so blessed, In love with nature, and married to beauty.

Well, I'll try, father.

Hey, in there.

I'll be seeing you.

I don't think so.

Get them paws up, dude, and turn around real slow like, or you'll drown in your own blood.

I think he recognizes us and wants his money back.

Hell no, we had masks on.

Good day, gentlemen.

Permit me...

Shut up, you.

Who is he?

Yeah, who are you?

I told you to shut up.

Monkey, if you'll just be quiet a minute,

maybe this dude will be able to tell us who the hell he is and just what the heck he's doing here.

Uh, I'm Sir Thomas Moore.

Not the famous churchman, of course.

I'm merely Sir Thomas Fitzpatrick Philip Moore.

To be more precise, I should add Viscount of Essex and British Pier,

but I don't think that matters too much.

All right, which one is your name?

I'm Tom Smith.

I'll bet.

I'm Tom Moore, son of James Moore, The Englishman.

And you're Bull Schmidt.

Aren't you?

Well, that's what my ma told my pa, but you know how womenfolk are.

Have a look.

Hey, that's us with the Englishman.

And this fella.

I'll be damned.

Tom, my boy!

Welcome home, son!

Welcome home!

How was the trip?

Oh, fine, excellent.

Excellent?

Yes, a fine trip.

And very exciting.

Exciting?

Oh, yes, quite.

Just think of it, we were actually held up and robbed.

No.

Oh, yes, it was thrilling.

Three scoundrels held us up during a stop.

You mean there were three of them?

Yes.

Not very quick mentally, though.

They weren't?

No, utter bunglers.

I had it hidden down here, look, all my money.

Yeah.

You're a real smart one, all right.

Yes, and imagine,

a wealthy cattleman, one of the passengers, had hidden his wallet in his hat.

In his hat?

Now you learn something new every day.

I wonder why some people never think of looking in hats.

Cunning canine. Where'd you find him, eh?

Well this?

Well, uh...

In the woods, yeah. In the woods. The woods just full of animals like this here.

Magnificent specimen of a Yorkshire.

Told you he wasn't no dog.

Come on, this calls for a whistle wettin'.

Come on in, Yes sir, that's right.

Come on, Tom, boy.

Good to see you, son.

Good to see you.

What do you say?

You think they'll take Austin's offer?

Well, a little chunk's better than nothing, ain't it?

Yeah, but what if they don't bite?

Too bad for them.

Morton's after this land, too, and he ain't no one to mess with.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Hey, what's this thing?

Huh? Oh, a butterfly net.

What's it for?

To catch butterflies with.

Well, what do you do with them after you've caught them?

Well, you see, I'm an entomologist and agronomist.

Poor kid, he's in bad shape,

he's so young and already he's got one of them there diseases.

Yeah, just like his pa.

No, no, his daddy only had tuberculosis.

Hey, Tom, can you play this here thing?

Just a bit.

Well, let's hear you do it then.

Fiddle us a hoedown.

Yeah.

All right, if you like.

Go on, fool. Grab your partners.

That's real good, Tom.

That's real good.

Hey, what's in this here box?

- Oh, just a couple of fencing swords. - Uh huh.

And this?

Oh, that can wait till tomorrow.

What in tarnation is it?

It's a bicycle.

A bicycle?

Yes, a bicycle.

This here bup, bup, bup,

whatever the hell you call it, you gonna...

Yes, I'll mount it, and away I'll go.

Yes.

A little drink?

Thank you.

What is this stuff?

It's whiskey, son, the best Kentucky makes.

I think it's coal oil.

By God, it is.

It ain't whiskey.

- Here, try this one. - Not bad though.

Raw canteen.

Here's the real stuff.

Thanks.

Yes, it tastes a bit better.

Well, what a day.

You tired?

Well, ten days on a train is quite a strain on one, you know.

You mean to tell me you came with all that baggage,

clear out here in just ten days' time?

Oh, yes, and you should see how those new Vanderbilt locomotives fly.

Like a streak of lightning.

You mean you like that iron horse, huh?

Well, the Almighty created the earth without railroads.

He knew what the hell he was doing, too.

Oh, certainly, but progress is progress, and no one can stop it.

But you can sure as hell avoid it.

But how?

Well, just keep heading west where the prairie belongs to everybody. And where that damn train ain't got to yet.

And where there ain't no more barbed-wire fences.

And your pa felt the same way about it, too.

Oh, I know, but he was a dreamer.

He was a free man.

Well, Tom here's all wore out, so let's go bed down our bones, huh?

Yeah, good idea.

Come on, Turdy, let's me and you go to bed.

Well, where are you going?

- Outside to sleep. - Outside?

Yeah, it's springtime, Tenderfoot, it's springtime.

Um, are you going to sleep with all those weapons?

- Well, we sleep, but they don't. - Oh, I see,

There are many outlaws, aren't there?

Oh, hell yes, there's a lot of outlaws, they're swarming all over the place.

Good night.

It shan't be easy to make them stop dreaming, Father.

[Shouting]

Hey.

One, two, three, four One, two, three, four One, two, three, four.

Am I seeing right?

What the hell is that?

Bah, bah, bah,

What bit him, a tarantula?

Man, do not forget,

you are still an animal.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Watch out he don't knock you down.

Good morning.

Do you feel all right?

- Oh, magnificent. - Are you sure?

Oh, yes.

[Speaking foreign language]

Yeah, you're probably right, but what in the hell does it mean?

A sound mind, and a sound body.

Now, Tom, don't you pay no mind to that kind of foolishness.

I've known a lot of crazy folks who were never sick a day in their lives,

and the other way around too.

Now, get yourself dressed and we'll head for town.

It's Saturday and it's time to get drunk.

But it's Monday.

Saturday.

No, yesterday was Sunday and today...

- It's Saturday. - That's right.

You might be right. All right.

- I'll have a quick wash up and dress. - What are you going to do?

Wash up and dress.

Wash?

Why?

Beats the hell out of me .

I'd forgotten about this. My father meant it for you.

He sent it to me a few days before he, he departed.

You going to read it?

You should have studied harder.

Dear friends, this is farewell.

The doctor tells me the few coughs I have left are numbered.

And I'm afraid he's right because there's not enough breath left in me to blow out a match.

So, what little remains I'm spending with a magnificent Irish mare.

I don't know whether I'll find rich green grass or tough weeds up there.

But if there's rich grass, praise be to God.

If there's nothing but weeds...

Praise be to God.

The only thing I'll miss is your friendship.

For the rest, I have no regrets.

I'll get the Lord to go to work...

And take care of my dear and loyal friends.

Signed, The Englishman.

There's a P.S.

I almost forgot.

My son Tomas,

still a green kid.

Make a man out of him and then...

Hit the saddle.

You can bet on it Englishman.

You can bet on it...

That contraption moves right along, doesn't it?

[Laughing]

Doesn't even stop to relieve itself.

[Laughing]

Yeah, well that's progress.

Look, if progress means holding it in, they can have it.

Come on, get moving.

[Horn honking]

Hello.

Lively lot, aren't they?

Yeah, a little too lively.

Why don't we begin the day right and have a couple of nice drinks?

Isn't it a bit early to start drinking?

Never too early when you're thirsty.

I say...

I've got some shopping to do, so why don't you chaps go ahead.

I'll join you in a little while.

Alright, because we've got some buying to do.

- Damn tootin' - See you later then.

Ah, too bad.

- Now that's a sight for sore eyes. - Well, look who's there.

Howdy Tim.

Look at all them cute little brats he's got.

Yeah.

- Hi Susie. - Where's the Englishman?

Well, he's, uh, waiting for us.

How's things going, Tim?

Well, I'll tell you.

The family keeps increasing, work keeps decreasing.

People ain't shooting each other.

There ain't been a corpse here in over a week.

Even the cowpokes ain't the same no more.

They don't bust up the saloon, break chairs, nothing.

The world has changed.

- Boy, I... - Not for us, old-timer.

[Laughing]

Hey, you're not thinking of...

As Holy Joe here says,

"The ways of the Lord are informal".

Infinite, Bull, not informal, infinite.

Yeah, something like that.

Thank you, friends, thank you.

We've got to help him.

He's got a lot of mouths to feed.

Uh-huh.

Another load of that damn barbed wire progress.

Let's go get a drink.

Morning, Miss Austen.

Good day, Jeremiah.

Have my books arrived yet?

No, Miss Austen.

I'm sorry, but nobody in Tucson's ever even heard a word of that fella.

What was his name?

Byron, George Gordon Byron.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

But it's not possible.

Well, I even asked the suppliers from Flagstaff and Prescott.

No one's heard of him, the sheriff, nobody.

Excuse me, Miss, but perhaps I can help you.

Thank you, but I don't see how you can.

Oh, why, you shouldn't, and besides.

Oh, no, it's really quite simple.

I've nearly all the works of Lord Byron.

Oh, really?

Oh, really.

And I'd be delighted to lend you the books, if I can.

Oh, thank you, but I'll have to ask my father's permission first.

Well, that's only proper.

You're living in town?

No, I'm.

I'm a house guest with friends who have a...

They have a cottage up on the plateau.

- That's how I came to town. - Oh, really?

Yes.

Oh, it's very beautiful up there.

Yes, it's very, very...

- I know. - Flat.

Yes, you're right.

Anything else?

Yes.

When? When can I see you again?

We could talk about Lord Byron.

Sunday, I think, if that's all right for you.

Oh, fine.

That's tomorrow then, where?

But tomorrow's Tuesday.

Tuesday?

Yes.

Today's Monday.

By George, you're right.

Today's Monday, after which comes Tuesday.

Where?

I often go to the woods on the plateau to gather bluebells.

Fine, well then, till bluebell.

Till Sunday.

What do I owe you?

One fifty for the merchandise.

And nothing for the advice.

What?

Leave that girl alone. You'll be better off, friend.

Why?

Because if Morton Clayton gets to hear about them bluebells...

The doctor will have a fine time trying to fit your bones back together again, young fella.

Morton Clayton?

Who is he?

He's Orson's foreman.

And he's got his eye on that girl.

And it seems like old man Orson ain't entirely displeased with the idea of grandchildren.

Thank you for your advice.

But I'm really not interested in the problem of Mr. Orson's descendants.

And even less in the anger of his lovesick foreman.

Goodbye.

Watch your head, you'll need it.

What's he doing, picking on Mr. Orson?

No, bluebells with his daughter.

Yeah, she come in looking for a book, and he says to her...

Tom.

Now that you're all grown up, boy, I guess I can tell you.

Did you know your pa had a real weakness for women?

- Oh, really? - Oh, did he ever.

In fact, it was a woman that caused your pa to leave his country in kind of a hurry.

Oh?

Yep.

It was a gal named Vicki that got him in trouble.

I believe he called her Vicki Regina, or something like that.

You mean Victoria Regina?

Yeah, that's right, Victoria.

Queen Victoria.

Hey, that's it, Queenie, that's what he called her, did you know her?

Uh...

No, but I've heard her spoken of.

Well, it seems that uh...

She got insulted when your pa married one of her ladies without her permission.

And he just hauled up and told her to go to Hell.

Oh, all them bawdy-house madams are alike.

Every time one of their girls wants to get...

Don't take it too hard, Tom.

It ain't your fault that your ma was a...

Well, hell, you ain't alone.

Look at Bull and Monkey here, their ma's was in the game too, right, boys?

Yep.

No, the important thing, sir, is to be in this world.

And to enjoy all the beautiful things that the good Lord has spread before us.

Like, for example, this good old Kentucky whiskey.

- God bless you, son. - Yeah, God bless us.

Hey, we're over here.

Hold it, Morton. No hardware in here.

- Hey, how was the trip, Morton? - Fine.

I bring in 10,000 head of cattle and old man Austin sells 20,000.

I can't bring 'em in fast enough.

Hey, did the barbed-wire get here?

Yep, 500 rolls of it, enough to fence in the whole doggone state.

Drew the last lot today.

Uh-huh. What else is new?

Oh,

- There's a little delicate matter. - What?

Fella here's been messin' with Miss Austin.

- Not this boy scout sittin' here. - Yeah, that's him.

Hey, Tom. Some beans, huh?

Excellent. The sauce is truly delicious.

I must compliment the chef.

Uh, the cook.

I'd advise you to do it now, friend, otherwise you'll miss the stage.

It leaves in two minutes.

Are you speaking with me?

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.

- That's right. You speakin' to him? - Yeah, him.

He's speakin' to you.

That's right, no doubt about it.

I have the vague suspicion you're trying to provoke me.

That's right, buster.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Now look here, Morton, I already told you I don't want no brawlin' in...

[Laughing]

- You was sayin'. - The suspicion was right.

Um, hmm.

I don't know what you're so angry about.

Anyway, I imagine it's useless to ask.

Ow!

You gonna finish your beans, Tom?

No, thank you.

How about another one?

Yep.

Never mind, monkey.

He's gotta learn to chew his own bones.

We gonna climb up on that stage?

Huh?

I said it's time for you to clear out.

- I wouldn't count on it. - You wouldn't, huh?

No. All right, that's enough.

What'd you say?

He's just a boy.

Well, you're a grown-up.

Why don't you take his place?

All right, be you in a minute.

That's about the worst idea you ever had.

That's right. That's the worst.

Loser pays for all the damages.

Suits me.

All right, that's enough of that!

Whoop, that ought to hold you!

You want to try some more?

I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!

You had enough?

Forget it.

Hold on, mister!

Hey, did okay, huh?

Uh, huh.

Hey, where's the kid?

He's resting.

Come home, Tom.

Come on up, Tom, son.

- Let's go home. - He's ready.

Wait till I get my hat on.

Mmm.

Ah.

Heh, heh, heh.

Ah, yep.

Say, you fellas ain't sore about all that fun we had that day at the stagecoach station, are you?

No, we don't hold grudges.

Well, I'm sure glad to hear that.

Any more news of your friends?

Well, if I ain't mistaken,

they ought to be,

behind you, right along now.

Ain't no use in turning around, boys.

We ain't no prettier.

Heh, heh, heh.

Heh, heh, heh.

Heh, heh, heh.

Monkey, uh, are you gonna get the table?

I must say, you fellas are a hard-headed lot.

That one got his caught in the door somewhere.

Heh, heh, heh.

[Screaming]

Take hold of Terry.

That's Jerry.

Got his two-wheel contraption?

I got it.

Let's go.

Thanks, friends. God bless you.

Thanks, huh?

Come back soon.

Anytime, Tim. Come on Tim.

Anytime. Come on.

Git.

Git.

What are you doing? That ain't no horse.

It's the easiest thing in the world, old man.

Like being on horseback.

It's a pretty lame horse. Come on, give me a hand here.

Here we go.

Come on.

Ride on.

What do you think I'm doing?

How am I doing? Yeah, faster.

Excellent.

Here I come.

You've got to use the pedals.

As soon as you turn, you lose the damn reins.

Well, why'd you turn so sharply?

Cause I was following my can.

Well, what'd you expect?

Here Turdy, come to your ol' daddy.

Everything becomes easy with application and effort.

Even learning how to read and write.

You all know how to read and write, don't you?

Neither one of them can, Tom.

Since when did you learn how to write?

Maybe I can't write, but I can read.

If you can read, then you can write.

Is that so? Of course.

How?

Read a sentence in your book.

"And King Solomon reigned over all Israel".

Fine, exactly.

Now, if you had to write that phrase, how would you do it?

I don't know how. How would I?

Simply copy it. Exactly as it's written there.

- By golly, you're right. - You see?

Yeah, but say if, uh, you wanted to write, uh, for example,

"Five horsemen are coming this way," how would you do it?

Well, that all depends...

Now, if they were packing stars on their chest, I guess I...

What are you're trying to say?

Howdy. Mind if we dismount?

Yes, I do.

I'm Austin, Frank Austin. Happy to meet you.

Well, that don't seem like nothing to be too happy about.

I want to apologize for what happened yesterday in the saloon.

Morton here likes his fun,

but sometimes he exaggerates a bit.

It's already forgotten.

Ain't it, Morton?

Anyhow, they'll pay for the damages.

You came all the way out here just to tell us that?

Well, yes, but there is something else.

Something else?

Which one of you is Thomas Moore?

I am, sir.

I understand this land is yours.

Yes, it's ours.

Exactly how do you mean, "ours"?

Ours.

Well, still, it's registered in your name, so I'm asking you.

What, Mr. Austin?

To sell it to me.

None of you work on it, from what I can see.

Yeah, that's one thing that'll never happen, and you can bet on it.

[Laughing]

Well, then sell it to me.

- It's not for sale, Mr. Austin. - I'm offering 20,000, young fellow.

Well, it's a good offer.

I'll make it 30,000.

- Tom, you want to sell? - No, no.

My father bought this land to keep intact.

He used to love those words, "How beautiful for spacious skies".

That's right.

Yep.

So long, Austin.

Think it over, boy.

You might be sorry you refused my offer.

You should change your mind, let me know.

Certainly. Good day, sir.

What's he want with this land, when he's already got so much?

Austin's the richest cattleman in the state.

He's greedy.

Oh, no, he's smart.

He knows that it's fertile land,

and I can tell you that as an agronomist.

See how rich with humus it is.

One need only scratch it, and it will bring forth its marvelous yield.

Tom, that's a handful of horse dung you're holding.

Yuck. Oh, dear.

A real expert.

Sure is going to take a long time to make a man out of him.

[Birds chirping]

What a bunch of buzzards.

What's the matter?

It tells in here about a fella named Paul,

who spent his whole life writing letters to his neighbors,

and not a single solitary one ever answered him.

Perhaps those he wrote to only knew how to read.

Yeah, but even so.

Have a look.

Cunning, isn't she?

Now, relax.

It's an ant.

Do you mean to tell me that...

Tom, come outside. I want to show you something.

I'll be with you in a moment.

Look, you've been writing that letter for days now.

It's not a letter.

It's a report to my professor of natural history,

telling him about the lack of interest of the ants in this part of the world.

They don't...

They don't work as hard as they do elsewhere.

- Oh. - That's spying, ain't it?

It's not spying.

It's scientific observation.

Oh, hell.

Why don't you just tell him ants are smarter here than any place else in the world.

Now, come on outside.

Oh, all right.

[Dog barking]

Look.

That, as you can plainly see by the shape of his head and his tail, is a horse, tenderfoot.

He's all yours.

Mine?

Yep.

All yours.

Monkey wanted to have him branded with your initials on him,

but you know how it is...

We just didn't have time.

My dear chaps, well, he must have cost you a fortune.

No, he's a bargain.

A real lucky bargain.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, he's magnificent.

Well, now, let's see if you can stay in the saddle.

Yeah.

Well, I was already fox hunting in England at the age of 10.

You know how that's done, don't you?

Dogs, beaters, trumpeters.

Well, now, we got a few foxes around here too,

but we're just plum out of trumpeters.

But you could always try using that violin, if you like.

[Laughing]

Come on, let's see you sit in the saddle.

What's wrong?

There ain't no hole in it.

The stirrup's a little bit too long, but I'll ride him.

Yoiks!

He rides too much like one of them there "gentlemen".

Ride him western style, Tom.

The way you seen us do it.

[Horse Snorting]

Yeah, that's the way to go.

[Cheering]

Yeah, that's all right. That's a little better.

Ho!

Good boy! Go on!

Well, do I stay in the saddle all right?

Not bad, but let's see if you can stay on your feet.

Thank you.

But, what am I supposed to do with this cannon?

Well, there's a lot of things you could do with that sick shooter you got there.

Like when someone advises you to get out of town on the stage and you don't feel like it.

I ought to shoot him?

Well, if he insists, yeah.

There's no reason in the world that would cause me to assert my rights with a gun in my hand.

Oh, well, listen, Tom.

You can't go around naked like that.

Why, a man without a gun just ain't a man.

That's right.

He's not, then what is he, then?

Well, he's somebody that ain't got no...

Yeah, you know.

Yes, I see your point.

But believe me, it takes much more courage to go about...

[Horse snorting]

Who's that?

She might be his daughter, Mr. Austin's.

Hmm...

Where are you going?

It's Saturday, we're going to town.

It's Sunday.

What's got into him?

He's going nuts.

And upon my return, we'll discuss that unusual calendar of yours.

What's he talking about?

I don't know.

Yoiks!

What's he need all them books for if he's going butterfly hunting?

Well, if he can't catch her with that butterfly net, he'll just heave one of them books at her.

I've seen women get booted around and slapped around,

but I ain't never seen one get romanced with a book before.

Now, where are you going?

Breath of air.

Now Turdy, you to keep watch.

[Dog Growling]

He ain't much of a man with men, but with women he ain't too bad, huh?

Yeah.

Better than nothing.

[Whistling]

You just gave your last recital, friend.

[Trumpet playing]

Where is the preacher, Hidin'?

He's out doing important business.

Too bad, so I think we'll just wait for him here.

That's okay. Please do.

[Laughing]

That wasn't long, was it?

- Isn't there a way we can... - Drop your guns.

[Violin playing]

Giveth of thy spirit and sweet nature.

Giveth of thy strength and fortitude.

Giveth everything you got in your pockets and clear out of here.

Before we break every bone in your head.

Thank you, brothers. Thank you.

Come on.

What'll happen?

Wanna know something?

They're good boys. Really good boys.

Good heads on their shoulders.

Candida. Candida Austin.

Oh, that's a beautiful name.

Yours is a beautiful name, too, and so distinguished.

Thomas Fitzpatrick Philip Moore.

Viscount of Essex

- and a British... - Oh, just call me Tom.

That's good. Tom is so much nicer.

- Yes, Tom is, rather. - Mm-hmm.

- Um, shall we sit down? - Mm-hmm.

I'll hitch up here.

Listen, Candida.

Don't think me too audacious or disrespectful,

- but I... - Yes.

Well, I...

You what?

Um, I.

I don't have a pistol.

No?

But I assure you that I have...

I don't want to sound too banal, but I, I...

And so do I, Tom.

- Oh, really? - Uh, huh.

Oh, from the very first moment I saw you.

I, even before.

Even before?

Always, Tom. I've been waiting.

Are you certain?

You doubt me?

Well, you see, this may seem strange to you, but I've got my principles.

I've opted for monogamy.

That is, I mean to say...

I want there to be only one woman in my life, and so...

- I don't want to break... - Break it?

You won't have to break that vow, Tom, because...

I'll be the only woman in your life.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I've always dreamed of you, my love.

I knew that one day my Viscount Charming would arrive,

on a beautiful white charger, and then...

Oh, I do have a white horse.

- Really? - Uh, huh.

Then we'll call this beautiful day, "The Day of the White Horses".

Why?

Because I've dreamed of you on a white horse.

You have a white horse.

And last night, a white horse was stolen from my father.

With a, with a saddle?

No.

But what difference does a horse make, really?

The important thing is that you're here with me.

Oh, yes, that's the only important thing, but a horse is a...

- Yes, only if the horse was stolen... - Heavens, it's late!

My father's probably sent somebody out to look for me.

When... When shall I see you again? Here, let me.

Yippee!

When shall I see you again?

I don't know, perhaps Sunday.

I'll be here, waiting.

So will I.

I'll dream of you.

Me too.

- Bye. - Cheerio.

Goodbye.

[Whistling]

Real pretty gal.

Fascinating.

[Whistling]

Just happened to be passing by this way, and I thought...

Thought you'd inform me at what time the stage departs, eh?

- On the button. - But I'm not leaving.

And I say you are.

No, I'm not.

You're not, huh?

Ever try one of those rolling chairs with a seat in between the wheels?

No, but it seems to me they'd be somewhat uncomfortable.

Hmm.

Mister, you lose the next stage out of here, and I personally will put you in a wheelchair.

[Laughter]

Hey.

What'd she do, throw a book at him?

[Laughing]

Either that or he missed the stage again.

Yep, that's about it.

Come on, Tom.

He's out like a light.

I've been hunting butterflies...

Yeah, well, you sure picked one with a hell of a right wing, my friend.

You know, you come right down to it, the kid's got guts.

Yeah, but that's about all.

And he needs more than that to mess around with Morton.

He's playing for keeps.

Yeah, his old man would have plugged Morton between the eyes by now.

Well, the boy's just gonna have to wake up to that fact.

Well, he better do it quick.

This thing can't go on forever.

Oh, easy there. You all right, boy?

Morton, huh?

Yeah, a real coyote, that Morton, taking it out on you like he did.

Oh, he's just jealous.

Oh, so you're both chasing the same butterfly, huh?

Yes.

Well, now,

I'd say it's time you learn how to use this thing and get her over with.

Oh, no, I prefer being assassinated to being an assassin.

Morton will go along with that.

Perhaps.

Oh, yes.

And by the way, tomorrow you'll return the white horse and the saddle to its rightful owner, huh?

Rightful owner?

What in the hell does that mean?

Oh, Tom, you don't really think I stole that horse and saddle, do you?

Yes, I do. You purloined them.

- Hey, wait a second... - I don't know what you're trying to say.

- All I can tell is that... - You stole them.

Did you really buy that saddle?

Huh? Geez. You think I'm loco?

Uh-huh.

Hello there.

Oh, it's you! Well, now, miracles do happen, don't they?

- Is this your saddle? - Well, yeah.

Well, not exactly that, is...

It was stolen off a customer of mine a few days ago.

Well, we found it outside of town.

- Yeah. - I think she must have lost it.

Pretty doggone hard to lose the saddle you're sitting on.

Uh-huh, and he was probably killed.

No, no, he wasn't killed. He come awful close to it, though.

A fellow comes riding by and threatens him.

He got off that horse pretty quick, my customer.

I guess that shaved his skin.

Uh, can you tell me where I can find a horse?

Where? Well, right here from me.

Come and have a look around.

Hey, is he really gonna buy a horse?

Now, look at this here bay.

Isn't he a beauty?

Now, let's not get carried away.

Here, hold Turdy for me.

Well, that's a pretty fair horse.

Uh, I believe you, but...

- I want a white horse. - White?

Why, white?

Because I want a white horse.

Do you have one?

- Yeah, I got one, but, uh... - But?

He's a little, uh...

- A little... - Well, he's really...

What?

I ain't much to describe him.

Holy mound.

The gentleman wants a live horse.

He's alive.

How much do you want for him?

Well, Tom, he can't stand up?

If you pat him on the head, it'd kill him.

Now, you quit exaggerating.

He's just a little tuckered out.

He's a good horse and smart, too.

Columbus, you stay there! He's smart.

Look, if that horse was smart, he'd have committed suicide ten years ago.

How much do you want for him?

And a saddle?

Of course.

Well, saddle costs you $40, including the horse.

We'll bury him for ten.

Well, all right.

$30, horse and saddle.

Fellas, stop digging that well and saddle that horse.

I'll use him to flavor my tobacco.

Oh, he's perfect for that.

You'll have a good blend.

He's pungent to dry.

- I'll come for him in a while. - Alright.

[Coughing]

I always cough around horses.

All right, old timer.

Give it one more good try.

So just as he's getting set...

Hey, Tim.

Howdy, boys.

How's the kids?

How you doing?

What's that?

This is Tom Smith.

He's a friend of ours.

You like it here?

Very much, thank you.

Tim's okay.

He's the town carpenter.

I see that you're quite busy.

Hey, Tim.

What's the ruckus over at the saloon all about?

I guess it's 'cause the new gal's just arrived.

Iris is here and her redheads.

Come yesterday from Tucson.

Is Petey with them?

Sure thing.

Tom, there's a gal you got to meet.

She only knows one thing, but...

What a thing.

I can imagine.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hey, hey, where you going?

To the bank.

Well, hold up, I'll go with you.

No, thanks. I'll go alone.

Say, Tim, you seen any of Austin's bunch around?

Yeah. They're all over town.

All over town.

Hey.

You're not thinking of...

Well, your young'uns sure look like they could use some...

Shoes.

Uh, good morning, Mr. Austin.

Oh, it's you, is it?

I suppose it is.

Rather nice day, don't you think?

Yeah, very nice.

Bit warm, but pleasantly so, don't you think?

Boy, I'll give you a little free advice.

Thank you, sir.

Good advice is hard to come by.

Leave my daughter alone or you're gonna regret it.

That's not very good advice.

I'm sorry, really. Really, really sorry.

I just figured it's a pretty good idea to get moving, while you got time.

- Mr. Austin. - Hey, Morton, what you up to?

Well, it took me a little while, but I finally found that wheelchair.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir, really. I'm terribly sorry.

- How clumsy of me. - Oh... Oh...

And then...

The Englishman took Maureen's head into his hands,

kissed her forehead and said,

"Thank you." Coughed a little and died.

And Maureen?

Oh,

it was a terrible blow for that girl.

She loved him so much.

Dear thing said that she'd never wash again,

so that she wouldn't lose the smell of the perfume he'd left on her skin.

Poor girl...

How she stinks.

Hey, cheer up. Here comes the kid.

Hey, Tom, come on and join us, boy.

Yeah, Tom, we'd like you to meet Iris and Speedy.

I'm honoured.

Where were you holed up?

Hmm?

Hello, Tom.

I hope you're well.

Still on my feet.

[Laughing]

Let's go, Speedy. I'm going to need some help.

Hey, Speedy, bring us a drink, huh.

And make it speedy, will you?

Hey, Speedy, they found your shoe under the bed.

Hey, Tom, what do you think of them?

I would like to know them better. It'll take some time.

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

Go up now, Ebenezer. It's bad to do it on a full stomach.

Go on.

You staying in, Morton.

Hey, Tom, uh...

Have you made up you mind? Are you going to stick it out here or head back east?

I've decided to remain.

Now, that's the style, son.

Find yourself a good gal, settle down and raise a family.

That's exactly what I intend to do.

Oh, you mean you found yourself a chicken, huh?

Oh, well, she's not a chicken.

She's a swan, a beautiful white swan.

I ain't up on birds, but a swan sounds like...

Something soft and cuddly, yeah.

Especially if it's a swan worth thinking of.

Look at me, Blue Eyes.

You're so damn cute.

I can't tell you what a woman would give to have you lie in her arms.

- Thank you. - Shut up, Sadie.

[Laughing]

Morton. I thought I told you I don't want no trouble.

All right, on your feet, you.

Hey, I'm talking to you.

- Who, me? - Yeah.

The devil's not as ugly as they say.

Oh, he's ugly, Tom.

In fact, he's outside waiting for you in case you didn't get the point.

- Come on out, boy. - Yeah.

He's trying to provoke you. Just sit tight.

Come on out, you coward.

No, don't pay him no mind.

But he called me a coward.

I can't just ignore him, madam.

It's better to be a live coward than a dead hero. Now listen to me, boy.

I'm waiting for you.

Sorry. Sorry, ma'am.

See you later, eh?

Yeah.

That's what my father told my mother the day before they got married.

We ain't seen him since.

Uh, would you?

Get inside. Go on, go on, hurry. Go on, go on, get in.

You've got to do something.

It's too late to stop.

He's an ugly customer, that one.

I know him.

I'm waiting.

Pick up the gun.

- Why? - What do you mean, why?

Why?

You're a gentleman, aren't you?

Oh.

Hold it, Tommy. Hold it.

Hey, Morton, you forgot something.

Explain the game to him. He doesn't know it.

- Why don't you do it? - All right.

It's real simple, Tom.

As soon as you touch that gun, he's gonna kill you.

Right, Morton?

Yeah, that's it.

Without giving me time to pick it up?

As you touch it, he draws.

That's ridiculous.

I've never had a gun in my hand in my life,

and he's stupid enough to kill me.

Afraid?

What's that?

Are you scared?

Of course I'm scared.

Then get out of town fast.

I wouldn't think of doing that.

Marvelous, Morton. Morton, very good.

You're an excellent marksman. Very good.

Is the show over?

I said, bend down now and pick up that gun.

You think I'm mad?

- Why, you. - Morton.

Come on, let's go. That's enough.

Next time, I'll kill you.

All right, go for now.

He was scared out of his pants, if you ask me.

Hey, wait a minute.

What happened?

Oh, nothing.

He just said something about you being scared, or something like that.

He was right.

Shall we go?

It's embarrassing, but I'm afraid I have to change my undergarments.

He weren't scared, he was terrified.

Yeah, sure.

Come on, Turdy.

Son of a bitch...

You even cheat at solitaire.

Don't hurt nobody, and helps the game considerably.

You ought to think about your health, Tom,

instead of playing around there with them ants.

You're in trouble, boy.

Big trouble.

The importance of these ants will far outlive Morton.

They can be very useful to mankind.

Yes, especially since they don't know how to shoot.

Quiet, I'm trying to concentrate.

A man as close to his maker as you wouldn't cheat.

Oh, what a night.

And look at that moon.

Yeah, it's a good night for a hold up.

Is that all you can think of?

Well, a man's got to live.

Why don't you chaps try earning your bread like other human beings?

Oh, Tom, let's talk serious.

What are you going to do?

I shall stay right here.

I shall establish a model ranch, and you three shall help me operate it.

[Dog growling menacingly]

Hand me the brute.

Look here, even Morton works.

He may be a son of an unknown father, but at least he works.

He ain't working.

He's fixed to catch the biggest quarry around here,

and ain't about to let you snatch it out of his trap.

- By quarry, he means your swan. - Exactly.

I can see it now.

As soon as they're married, Austin will have an accident,

and Morton will take over the whole shebang.

- What the devil are you talking about? - Wake up, son. It's late.

Yeah. I can't go to sleep.

Listen, I...

Oh, Tom!

Hello.

Yippee!

You and I'll have a talk later.

Please excuse the delay, but I simply can't imagine what's gotten into him today.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

- Let's sit down. - Mm-hmm.

Is something wrong, Candida?

Tom,

what I was afraid of has become a reality, unfortunately.

What happened?

Come, tell me.

My father wants...

Wants me to marry Morton.

That's horrible.

It's worse than that, but what can I do?

He says he's old and tired and wants a man in the house.

A strong, decisive man, who can keep the ranch going.

And if this man, besides being a good cattleman,

would be my husband,

he'd be content.

Yes, you can count on that.

What?

Nothing.

I'll speak to your father and I'll convince him.

Oh, Tom, after what happened in town?

Exactly.

He must have understood the stuff I'm made of.

No, Tom, it wasn't clear to him at all.

Oh.

For him, a man who doesn't,

chew tobacco,

or spit 20 yards or shoot a hole in the first tin can he finds underfoot,

just isn't a man.

Yes, but...

Is he expert at shooting tins?

Oh, Morton can hit anything, Tom.

Tins, lizards.

Why, even the crickets keep quiet when they see him.

And the oak trees,

there's not a leaf that hits the ground that doesn't have a hole in the middle of it.

Oh, Tom, my love,

let's run away, far away, please.

That's out of the question, my dear.

Then it's goodbye, now and forever.

I don't want to cry at your funeral.

But, Candida, there must be a way out.

I know there is.

Uh-huh, yes.

What?

The answer is in the last rhyme of the poem that you didn't finish,

when we first met on the train.

Smile,

for your lover comes.

Your lover comes.

Prodigal, you have given me love.

Therefore I, to you give love.

Oh, unspeakable passion, love.

Your lover comes. Prodigal, you have given me love.

Therefore I to you give love.

Oh, unspeakable passion, love.

Unspeakable passion, love.

Oh!

Ah, Lord Byron knew everything, didn't he?

Not everything.

Englishman, what a dirty job you left us.

Yeah, that's for dang sure.

Hey, you feel all right?

Oh, unspeakable passion, love...

What the hell's the matter with that kid now?

Uh-oh.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

- How does this bloody thing work? - Not like that.

Hey, that should do the trick, right?

Don't know what changed your mind, Tom, but it must be a damn good reason.

You said it, kid.

You're damn tooting.

I shall crush Clayton Morton, like a violet between the pages

of a book of poetry.

Actions speak louder than words.

Take that.

All right, when do we start?

What do you mean, when do we start?

Now!

Well, then, damn it, get out of those city clothes and dress like a man for a change.

Ridiculous.

- I'm not going to a masquerade. - Tom.

Tom Fitzfillmore.

These are the clothes of your father.

He wore them in the last holdup we pulled together.

I wonder what it was that made him change his mind about things.

Well, it wouldn't be Morton.

[Thud]

[Footsteps]

Now, that boy sure looked like his father.

Come here, Tom.

The Englishman, all over again.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Them pants fit you like a glove.

Well, except, they're a little bit loose in the seat.

Well, if you happen to sit in them,

it's better that they're not too tight.

All right, let's think about the job.

I'll teach you how to bust 'em up.

Monkey, he'll explain why there's so many optimists in the graveyard.

And Holy Joe, will worry about the rest.

Well, I'm ready.

All right, there's one thing you gotta remember.

Never forget the reason why you're fighting.

Ah...

What's your grinning at?

Oh.

Let's begin.

The first thing, never trust anybody,

even your best friend.

- You got it? - Got it.

- You real sure? - Sure.

Put 'er there.

Ooh!

Ah!

Ooh!

That was unfair!

Exactly.

You know, you don't have to block with your chin, Tom.

You can always use your arms.

- Don't be too rough on 'em. - All right.

Ah...

Oh...

[Laughing]

- Watch out for this one. - Ooh!

All right, come on, try it again. You ready?

Get mad, dammit.

And remember why you're mad.

Now, come on.

That's right, now you're getting there.

Block like I told you.

Ooh!

I didn't tell you to swing like that.

You can never trust anybody.

Come and get it.

How are you?

He'll be all right when I get through with him.

You all take over, huh?

Hey, where are you going, Bull?

I'll be gone for a spell.

You get back to work, time's running out.

Them damn ants are behaving like ants.

What ants are you talking about?

The worst kind.

I suppose it's useless to ask what exactly he means, huh?

You're getting smarter every day, son.

Be seeing you.

Take care.

Good luck.

Okay, Junior,

let's get started.

You know what an optimist is?

Yes, of course.

A feller stretched out in a coffin with his hands across his belly.

So keep your eyes and ears open.

Now set that holster there snug up against your leg with a tie down.

Should I tie it in a bow?

Yeah, tie it in a bow.

Ready.

What are you glaring at me like that for?

Two ways of making a fella sweat.

Look at him like you're gonna end his days on Earth now,

like this.

Or smile.

Like you're so damn sure of yourself that you ain't worried none at all.

Clear?

Uh, yes, it's clear.

Okay, try.

I think you better smile, Tom.

I think it's better, too.

Now watch the draw.

As you draw,

pull back the hammer.

To gain time.

Exactly, and shoot.

It's very simple.

- Yeah, - Yes.

Speed plus action equals X plus Y.

Or power developed which you cannot detect because the energy factor is unknown to us.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah, sounds about right.

Shoot at that, the block over there.

No.

I'll hit that tin can.

Yeah?

Yes.

It was an accident.

Son, you ain't told us all there is to know about you.

It's quite simple, really.

Yeah?

It is, huh?

Well, just try shooting without aiming.

Yeah.

Theoretically, I would be able to hit it.

Yeah?

Yes, theoretically.

If you aim your finger in a direction,

or at an object,

the finger goes exactly in the direction indicated.

In our case, the pistol barrel replaces the finger, understand?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Now try and aim your finger at the tin can, and see.

Umm, hmm.

Have a look.

My God, you're right.

You see?

He's right.

Of course, it requires a great deal of practice.

That's what I told you, didn't I?

Practice.

Iris, these shoes I bought from you are killing me.

How are you?

Hello, Iris. What about a drink?

Not here, let's sit down.

I'm tired as hell.

I want my money back on the shoes.

What?

Ooh...

What's wrong?

It's Maureen.

I've been upstairs.

Poor fellow.

Well, how did things go in Phoenix?

Well, just like you said, it was him all right.

I recognized him the minute I laid eyes on him.

He took off without paying Irene.

And two days later,

I saw his face on a reward poster.

Don't worry.

I'll see Irene gets her money.

Ah, forget it.

How's our boy?

Well, he should be ready by now,

considering who he has for teachers.

Set one up here.

Oh, he's leaving, huh?

Yep.

Smart fellow, that dude.

Well, now, there was nothing else he could do,

so he, made up his mind.

I'll come and say goodbye when he leaves.

You do that.

Hey, when the devil are we leaving?

You there.

If you're leaving, get aboard.

Shut up and wait.

What'd he say?

Shut up.

Well, here's the passenger.

[Dramatic music]

Scuse us, huh?

- Hey. - The coach is waiting for.

Well, make up your mind.

Shut up and wait.

Inside, all of you.

Come on, scat, disappear.

Yoinks.

Well, all right, friend.

They're waiting for you.

You're the one who's leaving.

I'm staying here.

What'd you say?

You heard me.

Morton? Yeah, just fine.

[Laughing]

Oh, Dad.

Stop them.

Morton will kill him.

Not if he decides to get on that stage.

Mmm hmm...

You've got 10 seconds to lower your tail and get out of here.

This time I'll kill you more.

Well, fine.

Why don't you try?

I'll turn around.

It'll be easier for you.

Bullseye.

Come on now, Morton, don't just stand there.

I've only got one bullet left.

Well?

Are you going to take that stagecoach or not?

Perhaps this trick will help you make up your mind, huh?

On signal, throw him the gun.

You know, Daddy, Tom is a Viscount.

Forget it, Morton.

He's a Viscount.

See here, old man.

You keep your mouth shut.

Don't you want to continue, Morton?

Without the guns, if you got the guts.

Oh.

I'm going to flatten you like a bookmark.

[Laughing]

I'd try a different tactic.

That one doesn't work.

Speed plus action develops the intangible energy.

Can we leave now, sir?

Uh-uh.

What'd he say?

He said no.

Not too bad for a dude, huh?

You said it, I didn't.

Sorry.

Now look, Morton, this has got to sto...

Oh, and you're carrying me too far.

I said I want no brawling in here...

Stay where you are,

or you'll never move again.

[Barking]

Where the hell's my shoe?

Come on, Tom, I'll stay with you for nothing if you win.

I surrender, I surrender, all right?

I beg your pardon, is that what you're saying?

Yeah, yeah.

How much does he owe you?

- Was it $10? - Uh-huh.

$10, but forget it.

Uh-uh.

She says forget it.

Hey, go see what they're doing.

Don't just stand there.

- Who, me? - Yeah, you.

- They look nice and friendly from here. - Well, get back to your place.

You sure got 'em trained.

You're crowding me?

Ready? En guard.

Parry, thrust.

Parry, thrust.

En guard.

I'll thrust you.

Take that, I tell you.

Touché.

Pretty good, Tom.

- Pretty good. - Thank you.

Can't we leave yet?

No, get the hell out of there.

We've got a new bunch of passengers.

Get in there, boys. Don't take all day.

I got a present here for you.

It's a going-away present.

Hey, what's that?

Well, Tom, it's sort of a ticket for our friend here to get lost.

Yeah.

Well.

Well, that's it.

Hey, you knew he was wanted.

Well, you know how it is.

Mm-hmm.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, uh, we... We just wanted to, uh,

make sure you could handle it all by yourself. That's why.

Yeah, I see.

Yeah, yeah.

Go on.

Hyah!

Well,

I've changed. Now it's up to you, chaps, to change too.

Let's go home.

Tom, uh.

We're pulling out, boy.

The ants have arrived, huh?

Yeah, that, that's right, son.

Stop dreaming.

This is 1880.

You can't evade progress forever.

The West... well, the West is finished.

Son, as long as we can see a sunset,

there'll be a West.

I guess we're gonna have to follow that sunset.

I wish you were right.

But I'm sure you'll come back, and we'll work together.

You sure got a nail in your head about that, ain't you?

I'll be waiting for you.

Huh! Let's go.

Here, hold Turdy for me, while I get on my horse.

Goodbye.

- So long, Tom. - Bye, Tom.

Good luck.

I'll be waiting for you.

You can reach us in the promised land, Tom.

Let's pick bluebells.

Mmm, not now.

Oh.

Hmm.

We humbly thank thee, Lord, for giving us a West without end...

Aw, shut up!

Woah.

Looks like the kid was right.

The ways of the Lord are beyond understanding.

Let's go back.

♪ And just as lions searching for their prey, ♪

♪ Bringing down any pride on growing, ♪

♪ Never knowing ♪

♪ It's you he's after, that knows ♪

♪ That you're losing control ♪

♪ It's no place you should go ♪

♪ Don't lose control. ♪