Original subtitles

In 1979, on a school skiing trip,

PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an avalanche.

Perfectly preserved under the snow,

he was found and miraculously brought back to life

over 40 years later.

Make it sparkle, please, boys.

- What you doing...? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Fists only, and shake hands afterwards.

Ah, Mr Mammoth, glad I caught you.

I just wondered if there was possibly an option

for you to cover my lesson later?

I've got a bit of an emergency at home,

and you're the only one with a free lesson.

No. No.

Cheers.

There's bits in that.

Of course padel is a sport, Mammoth.

Plus, the kids like it.

And more importantly, the head of department, me, likes it.

I think we should get the equipment.

Padel! It's just tennis for fatties and old people.

What our department needs is new sand in the long jump pit.

Hey, where you going? Staff meeting.

I got an arrangement with Cowley.

Everyone else goes to the staff meetings, I work on my golf swing.

Yeah, well, Cowley's not here.

- What? - He's been signed off.

Stress.

Stress?! What's he got to be stressed about?

Certain members of staff.

Oh, Mr Evans, isn't it? I'll kill him.

The LEA have brought in a short-term interim head.

We've got a new bloke filling in.

Good morning, team!

My name's Mr Reynolds, but you can call me Gus.

I've heard great things about the crack squad

here at Nowlan High School, and it is an honour to be driving

this ship forward as Mr Cowley takes some much-needed rest time.

Right, shall we have a look at your department action plans?

No, thank you.

- Mammoth. - Sorry, Mr, erm...?

Mammoth.

Mr Mammoth. This is an all staff meeting.

I've got an arrangement with Cowley.

Yeah, and that's great, but I...

I'd really love it to be an all staff meeting.

Cheers, buddy.

Buddy?

Well, er, I think I speak for everyone

when I say I'm really excited.

I feel like we need a fresh change around here.

The Skipper had this place running like a well-oiled machine.

Well, he didn't address any of my concerns about staff

- in my department. - Now, now, team,

I'm sure we're all pulling in the same direction, yes?

Mr Mammoth, maybe you'd like to share

the PE department's action plan.

Oh, here we go.

The plan is...

..excellent PE.

Er, could you, er, elaborate on that?

Excellent physical education.

STAFF CHUCKLE

Yes, well, I think you might want to brush up on that a little bit,

Mr Mammoth.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what?!

I'm not putting up with this!

You may think you've won the battle, mate, but you haven't won the war.

The revolution starts today.

Who's with me?

Surprise!

God! Please don't do that!

Aww, my baby, my big, strapping, handsome 18-year-old.

It feels like only yesterday I was kissing that face goodnight

and tucking you in.

You did do that yesterday.

Now, we can't get the photographer today,

but they're going to come tomorrow.

Oh, Mum...

What? It's tradition! You love our mum and son photoshoots.

Did you open your present from your grandad?

- Yep. - Urgh!

Well, I'd better go. I'm going to be late for school.

School, on your birthday?! Oh, I don't think so, mister.

I've already phoned them and said you've got measles.

High five! It's Borat!

Now, I know you said you didn't want me to arrange anything...

Yeah, because I don't.

But you can't not have a party on your 18th.

What would you like to do more than anything in this world?

Oh, there is actually a new manga exhibition at...

That's right - hedge maze.

I've found this great one at a National Trust house.

What's that? Has it got a tea room?

Er, let me think, only the best bloody tea room on Tripadvisor.

I liked hedge mazes when I was a kid.

I'm not really into them any more.

Right, fine, OK, we'll cancel it, if that's what you want.

Yes, please.

I'm lying. We're going.

It's going to be great.

Beep-boo!

I don't think that balance spring's seen WD40

since I was in short trousers.

I think you've got your work cut out there, Peter.

Good job I've plenty of time on my hands, John.

It's very therapeutic, though.

God, I haven't done anything like this for years.

I just feel a total sense of calm.

Skipper!

Mr Mammoth.

How did you find me?

Mrs C told me where you were.

Not straight away. I told her it was an important police matter

and you were facing some very serious allegations.

What? I'm in the middle of something.

What, playing with toys? What, what is this place?

It's a share and repair group.

People bring in broken things and we fix them.

This cannot pay you more than a headteacher's salary.

I'm not being paid.

Well, they're taking advantage of you.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Running a sweatshop!

No! It's just relaxing, mindful.

Well, for Christ's sake, Peter.

Meanwhile some young buck's in your school taking your job.

Great, they found someone.

Oh, they found someone all right.

Oh, you'd better believe it, yeah. A right piece of work.

The way he spoke to me, like I was shit on his shoes!

I've seen power corrupt.

Oh-ho-ho! This Reynolds, he's something else.

Miss Mansford?

Mr Reynolds.

Gus, please.

Er, is it all right if I call you Lucy?

I thought you might like a little flat white.

Er, you're a padel enthusiast? Me too.

Well, I was actually thinking of getting some padel equipment

for the school, only it's not on the curriculum.

Curriculums are flexible.

Lucy, I think that's a great idea.

And if you're passionate about something, I will back you.

You get that equipment ordered.

Even give you a little game, yeah?

OK. Bye. I love you.

Er, I mean... I mean thanks.

We need you back, Skipper!

But I've been signed off.

Doctor says I need a break from work.

Rubbish.

Do you know how many headteachers I've worked under over the years

that have had mental breakdowns? Hmm?

All of them.

I know a nutter when I see one and you are not a nutter.

I think people, myself included,

find the word "nutter" extremely problematic.

I've got no problem with it.

It's very important for men to look after their mental health.

Blokes don't have to talk about that sort of stuff, OK?

Just bottle it up and get on with it.

My dad never talked about his mental health and he fought in the war.

All right, he didn't like getting on boats and didn't like loud noises,

had to keep him in the house on Guy Fawkes night with the dog.

Sometimes he would go on a bender for two or three weeks at a time.

Never really spoke to me, Mum, or my sister.

Never once slept through a whole night.

But, er... But you know what?

He never once complained.

Stiff upper lip.

Now, I know what you need to de-stress.

I'd really rather stay here, Tony.

What was wrong with the old ring pulls?

They're antique clock hands.

Oh!

Oh, that did it.

Peter, why don't you and your friend finish up now and call it a day?

Yeah, lovely. Cheers.

18! Oh!

Seems like only yesterday you were just little boys.

Yeah, mad how things change.

Can you believe I'm your boss now, Auntie Mel?

Don't ruin it, Nathan.

I've written down a few words to mark the occasion.

Is Mammoth coming?

I'm only here because he said I had to be.

Theo!

18 years ago, you were just a little tiny acorn.

Look at you now.

You have grown into a mighty oak.

Thanks, Mum. Please stop.

Yes.

The mighty oak has a point.

Sorry, this...

Oh!

It's a lot of emotion going on right now.

Come here, you.

Oh!

Now, we are going to have an a-maze-ing time.

Room for two more?

Hello, sir.

Hello, Theo. Many happy returns.

Grandad, why have you brought my headteacher?

I'm destressing him.

Between us, he's had a massive mental breakdown.

Gone a bit crackers, haven't you, Skip?

Well, I think you know everyone here, Mr Cowley.

Except Harry. He's a stripper.

Oh, you found the place, good lad.

Why did you hire me a male stripper?

That was all they had left.

It was that or nothing.

Nothing would've been fine.

So do you want to me to strip now or...?

Oh, no, no. No stripping today, thank you.

But do you want to join us in the hedge maze?

Oh, sure. I mean, you paid for the hour. Might as well.

So do you want me to strip in the maze or...?

No, keep your clothes on, Harry. I cannot stress that enough.

This is the worst birthday ever.

No, it's not.

It's the best!

Right, guys, first one to the middle is the championey!

Come on!

Sorry I didn't get you anything, Theo,

but I didn't know I was going to be here until Mr Mammoth.

Don't even worry about that. I get it.

You can't smoke that in here.

In where? We're outside.

If you want my advice...

If I wanted your advice, it'd be about being a bellend.

Hey, fun day out, a bit of fresh air, be raring to get back to work.

Kick that cuckoo out of your nest.

All right, try again.

ENGINE STARTS

Hey, school trip's back on!

Come on!

Let's go! Come on, kids!

Argh, this is a dead end.

Shouldn't we go back?

No, here's good.

I need a break from Mum. Honestly, I swear she's getting worse.

Do you want me to say something to her at work?

I can make it official. Verbal warning.

No, thanks.

Oh, there he is! The birthday boy.

Hi, Mum. How'd you find me?

I'm your mum, I always know where you are.

It's a little thing called mother's intuition.

She put a tracking tile in your back pocket.

Thanks a lot, Harry.

Grass!

OK, so now that we're all here together, let's focus on the maze.

- Which way, birthday boy? - I don't care.

- Eenie, meenie, miney, mo... - Please, Mum.

Yeah, if we just get to the middle we can go home...

- ..if it squeals let it go... - ..you know, because I can't,

I just can't do this any more!

What's the matter with you? Is it drugs?

County lines?

If you're in a gang, Theo, so help me...

I'm just fed up of you treating me like a child.

- Aww... - All right, I'm 18 years old, and I don't want you

fussing over me any more!

I don't want to do the mother and son photoshoots. I hate hedge mazes!

I'm going for a coffee.

- Oh... - How am I supposed to get out of this place?!

Oh, we made it.

Yay, championeys.

CHAINSAW REVS

What's that noise?!

Oh!

Found the middle, Skipper!

I really don't think you should've chainsawed

through the maze, Mr Mammoth.

Bit late for that.

What's the matter with you? Is it him?

I've paid you to take your kit off, Harry.

If she wants them off, they've got to come off.

You can't be shy, pal, not in your game. Come on.

HE BEATBOXES

Nathan, no.

Hey!

I made you a coffee in a keep cup to take to school.

Right.

I put your name on it in case you lose it. I know what you're like.

OK, so shall I see you at pick-up?

That's OK, Mum.

What? You can't walk home, not with your shin splints.

The doctors told you I don't have shin splints.

I think I know my son's body better than any GP.

God, I can look after myself, you know?

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Don't be down on yourself.

Theo's a man now. He doesn't need you any more.

Soon he'll leave home and you'll have done your job.

You can sit down there and wait to retire.

- Maybe get a cat. - I'm allergic to cats.

Well, a dog, then. Something.

You'll need something to deal with the loneliness,

because you will be lonely when Theo goes.

My friend Paul, when his kids left home, he bought a pet tiger.

- What? - Raised it from a cub.

Went everywhere together.

Absolutely inseparable, they were.

Then in 1976, they changed the law, and he had to get it destroyed.

Yeah.

So that's that, then.

HE KNOCKS

Skipper in?

Oh, hello again, Mr Mammoth. Do you mean Peter?

Everyone calls him Skipper.

Shouldn't you be teaching? It's Tuesday morning.

Don't worry about it. I've got it covered.

Cast your minds back to the summer of 1977.

The premier footballer of his generation, Mr George Best,

and the premier PE teacher of his generation, me,

walk into Soho's famous Raymond Revue bar

with a couple of absolute stunners, and I mean stunners.

Well, I'm afraid he's gone fishing.

He's been a bit tense since yesterday.

Had a bit of a stressful day.

Really? Something must've happened after I left.

Just when I was starting to get him feeling like himself again.

That's a shame.

But don't you worry, Tony's going to look after him.

Can't have you married to some nutter, eh, Mrs C?

See you later.

Oh, God.

Ahoy, Skipper!

Oh!

Hey, hey!

Tony?

- You're...here. - Of course I am!

Hey, you don't need to thank me.

So, er, what are you fishing for?

Mullet, actually.

Look, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but, really,

I'm here for the solitude.

You and me both.

What could be better, eh?

Two likely lads on the open lake, doing a spot of fishing.

Soon have that brain of yours sorted.

Then you can march back in that school with your head held high

and kick that pretender out of your throne.

God only knows what he's up to right now.

W-w-when I, er, j-j-j-joined this, er, s-school, er,

I d-d-didn't think I would r-r-r-really be,

be able to f-f-fit in.

A-all of you helped me try to become the best version of myself.

APPLAUSE

Oh, God.

We need you back, Skipper!

What are you using for bait?

Maggots.

The man in the shop said they're the best for mullet.

Woo-hoo-hoo! He saw you coming.

They are rubbish.

No, I've got just the thing.

Now, if I remember correctly, the mullet is a very, very

easily distracted fish. You must get their attention.

That is why I always bring...

..one of these.

HORN BLARES

Hey, hey, hey.

Good sharp blast on that every couple of seconds,

they'll be flying into your net. Get it in the water.

HORN BLARES

I'm sure it was catching mullet.

Or was it scaring bears?

Hmm.

HORN BLARES

Oi, sad case.

How was your birthday party?

I heard Cowley was there.

Could you be any more tragic?

You need to get a life, you wanker.

Oi, Darren!

If I wanted advice from you, it'd be about being a bellend.

What did you just say?

Um, oh, God.

It's...

Distraction!

One minute they're a baby in your arms,

next minute they don't need you any more.

You got kids, Ashley?

No, I'm 16.

Oh, that's a shame.

Mum! Help!

Theo!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!

Get out of my way! I'm going to batter him.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Darren Malone.

I know who you are. I know your mum, she goes to my Zumba class.

I recognise you from your trip to Disneyland.

What are you talking about?

Your mum shared a picture on the WhatsApp group.

You were crying your little eyes out

because there was wasps all over your ice cream.

I mean, it'd be a shame if one of those pictures ended up

on another WhatsApp group, wouldn't it?

Like a Year 13 one.

I'm in Year 10.

Whatever. Hey, hey, hey...

Don't mess with the taekwondo, Darren.

I did two weeks straight in 2022.

I enjoyed it but it clashed with Theo's clarinet lessons, but...

..Sensei said I was a natural.

You're weird.

You're weird.

Buzzzzz!

- Thanks, Mum. - Oh, it's no biggie.

So do you want to go get a coffee together?

No, can we just go home?

Maybe then we can get that photo done together.

Mm.

Yes.

I can't believe we didn't catch any fish.

Well, I caught a few,

before you started getting the mullets' attention.

Must've been on the lake for, what, six hours?

About that.

Before the police turned up.

Yeah. Anyway, my round.

He doesn't stop.

There's no off switch.

Roger, how do you do it?

Roger?

Er, sorry, what did you say?

Mr Mammoth. It's harder now than it was when I was at school.

At least then he left at 3.00.

I don't know what to do.

How do you put up with him?

Ha! It was harder in the past.

But these days...

Hearing aids?

That's what Mammoth thinks too.

No, they're just headphones. An absolute godsend.

I'm currently listening to a playlist called Relaxing Rainforest.

I just want him to, respectfully, go away.

Ha! Good luck with that.

I had a good run. 40 years without him.

But then I always knew he'd come back.

Godspeed, Peter.

Right, here we go.

Now, Skipper, I've been thinking about your old, er...

HE WHISTLES

Back in the day, when me or one of the boys felt a bit down,

needed to just perk our spirits up, maybe unwind, blow off some steam,

we'd have a big weekend away, and I mean a BIG weekend away.

We're talking Magaluf, Las Vegas, Tenby,

but whatever it takes, Skipper...

PAN PIPES PLAY

Whatever it takes, I'm going to be there for you.

Tony Mammoth is going to be by your side.

Like a shadow, but like a shadow that's there all the time,

even in the night-time. Like a moon shadow,

but not the Cat Stevens song.

Oh, God, I can't do this!

OK, OK, I'll come back to school. Just please leave me alone!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Good man.

Well done. Well done, you, and well done, us.

What a team. What a team.

Cheers.

Now, I'm sure we're all grateful for the wonderful job Mr Reynolds

has done, but I am returning full-time as of today.

Three cheers for the Skipper! Hip, hip!

Thank you, Mr Mammoth.

Now, there's some good news and some bad.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to reverse a number of the projects

undertaken in my absence,

including returning the new padel equipment.

You've got to be kidding me.

The good news - we have managed to find the resources

to refresh the sand in the long jump pit.

HE CHUCKLES

Any questions? No? Great.

Welcome back, Skipper.

Welcome back.

Shall I top up the car, sir?

- Cheers, Ben. - Yes, sir.

Can't I just practise my long jump, sir?

Obviously not, because when the sun's out, just run about, remember?

Cheers.

Skipper! Having a think about sports day.

I think we need to bring back metal javelins.

We're not going to break any records with foam ones.

PAN PIPES PLAY

Great.

# Beach baby, beach baby, give me your hand

# Give me something that I can remember

# Just like before, we can walk by the shore in the moonlight

# Beach baby, beach baby, there on the sand

# From July to the end of September

# Surfin' was fun, we'd be out in the sun every day... #

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