Original subtitles

In 1979, on a school skiing trip, PE teacher Tony Mammoth is engulfed by an

avalanche.

Perfectly preserved, he remains hidden under the snow until he is found, and

miraculously brought back to life, 42 years later.

Nine months have now passed, a lifetime in the world of 24 -hour news.

Mammoth Celebrity has faded, and his life can finally start to return to

Happy birthday, Rog.

I don't do cards.

The hot chocolate gig, you got them.

Thank you.

Brilliant. I love hot chocolate. Me too.

Errol Brown, eh? What a voice.

Mammoth Errol Brown is dead.

He died a few years ago.

How can he be? Errol Brown is hot chocolate. No, Errol Brown was the

the band called Hot Chocolate.

Oh, God.

This is going to be our Debbie, Harry and Blondie conversation all over again.

Don't tell me Blondie's dead.

Debbie, Harry is alive and well.

Go for that.

Seventy. Shit.

How did that happen?

How do you think I feel?

One minute I'm sipping a pina colada in a ski lodge and you're coming here after

all. Next minute I'm rolling up an air mattress in an old people's home. And

look like Hot Chocolate's granddad. Errol Brown's. Errol Brown's granddad.

I'm thinking of asking Barbara to the pub with us for lunch.

About time, too. She's got any single friends?

Mammoth, she's 80.

They're all single.

Good point.

Second thoughts, don't ask her.

No offense.

Listen, Mammoth, some people have been talking.

They're getting suspicious about this.

You know, you being here all the time. Why? You're here all the time?

Yes, but I live here.

Fine. I get it. You don't know about a friend in need.

Don't, Mammoth. I need this place.

If they find out you're staying here, they'll kick us both out.

You need to move on.

Fine. Just ask yourself this.

Would I ever do it to you? You used to kick me out of the flat every time you

brought someone back, which was a lot.

I had to sleep in the car some nights. Yeah, and whose car was it, Roger?

It was my car. Mammoth, it was my flat.

Exactly.

Teamwork.

Didn't realise it was fancy dress.

Very witty.

As you know, I'm in marathon training.

As you know, Cain, and marathon is training.

Because jogging's not sport, is it?

Jogging's something people do to get ready to play actual sport.

The London Marathon is the biggest sporting event in this country.

40 ,000 runners, 750 ,000 spectators.

750 ,000 people.

There's nothing better to do on a Sunday than lean over some railings watching

strangers jog.

Millions more on the television.

What if I'm not lucky with all the sport?

I bet Dickie Davis is turning in his grave.

If he's dead, is Dickie Davis dead?

I have no idea.

Now, I'd love to chat to you about the good old days, but we need to talk about

Liberty Curtis.

Have you read that email I sent you?

No, because A, I never read any emails ever, and B, C, A.

That's helpful.

Well, I'll summarise.

His non -participation...

is unacceptable, especially during an inspection year.

Now, I've challenged him on this, and I don't want to.

Isn't it a bad excuse?

Life isn't that easy.

Yeah, it's been really easy growing up in a civil war. That war was several

years ago. Now, I know you have trouble grasping this concept, Mama, but time

moves on.

As his form teacher, from today, you'll record all refusals to take pattern

lessons on this form.

No, I won't.

He's a good kid and he's been through a lot.

Stretch out, mammoth.

Use the pot.

You know, my father used to tell me stories about teaching with you. All

Do you know what word he used to describe you?

Gifted?

Incorrigible. He did do that as well.

They should never have given you a job back here.

Yeah, they didn't give me a job back here, did they?

I never left.

You may think you're cool, coming back here after 40 years, strutting about the

place like a suntanned peacock, reeking of old aftershave, and doing your silly

little impressions and being popular.

But we're professionals.

You don't rise to become a headteacher by being liked.

Luckily for you.

Let me guess.

Cain again?

What?

Well, he just asked me to fill a form on liberty.

Snitch, in other words.

Well, I'm no Huggy Bear. What's a Huggy Bear?

Who is Huggy Bear?

He's asking Hutch's informant. Well, I don't know who they are. Are you more

about boys in paperwork?

No. Because it should be about liberty.

Cain's such a dick, Lucy. I mean, you and I are different, right? Completely

different. But we make a great team. We're like Sonny and Cher.

In fact... She left Sonny because he was an arsehole to her, and no, you can't.

Can't what?

Can't stay at mine for a few days again.

Last time was worth six months of my life. Worth six months? How? The

was on my door all day.

They don't care about me any more. What's with that frozen Japanese bird

ages ago? Ages ago used to be the last time somebody used the word bird to

describe a woman.

Old habit, sorry.

What about telling my sister to get a life for liking Katy Perry and to check

out... Deely Dan.

Yeah, she'll thank me for that one day. Oh, one day when she's nine?

And there's the fact, every time a girlfriend came over, you talked to her

Billie Jean King.

I do mean every single time.

Yeah, a wonderful tennis player and a strong, inspirational woman.

Great, but you don't have to talk to a lesbian only about other lesbians. I was

chit -chatting. Or chit -chat about a job, or her interests, or a lesbian we

didn't have to Google. I was showing solidarity.

In the 1970s, it was... Oh, I've had all the time. The bloody 1970s. What have I

got now?

Dollar the telly.

Dollar the music.

Dollar the cars. Dollar the clothes.

My old street's a car park.

Oh, yeah.

I'm currently sleeping on the floor of an old people's home.

Well, you are 86.

Liberty word, please.

Mr. Kane's been to see me.

You need to start taking part in the lessons, sir. All of them. Understand?

I don't want to get any fluted.

Now, if there's a problem, come and talk to me.

What's the matter?

I don't fit in.

You don't fit in.

Look at me.

All the best people don't fit in.

Listen, I've had it tough, all right?

I'm not going to pretend I know how tough. You've had it because I don't.

The things get better, trust me.

I'm going to try and help you as much as I can.

It's like what Reynolds said.

I can tell the young person where the mines are, but they're probably going to

step on them anyway.

Oh, the mine's like an underground bomb.

You step on it and... My uncle was killed by a

mine.

And you know who Burt Reynolds is.

Put your kit on.

Liberty, stop.

Everyone stop.

Uniforms back on, please.

Boys, a lot of whining going on, OK?

Did Jonathan E worry about getting grass stains on his leather trousers in

rollerball?

Exactly.

And that's Jonathan E.

Remember?

Jonathan. Jonathan.

Jonathan.

All right.

Rollerball was just a film.

And it was indoors.

But that's not the point.

My back's playing up.

I'm going to car wrap this one.

Play the horn.

No diving.

Skins kick off.

Have you sorted out the liberty?

Doctor. Sorry to keep you right.

Heart rate, excellent. Blood pressure, excellent.

Lung function, good.

Eyesight and hearing, excellent. Cognitive function, excellent.

Muscular strength and endurance, excellent.

BMI, good.

A remarkable set of results, especially considering the circumstances.

However, something did come up that we'd somehow missed till now. You have an

STI.

A what? A sexually transmitted infection.

It's nothing to be too concerned about. Make an appointment and we'll soon get

it cleared up. We can also discuss your erectile issue.

This takes it off speakerphone.

Very helpful, thank you. And don't go talking about that stuff either. It's

confidential.

And temporary.

You realise you have to inform your sexual partners?

What? All of them? In 12 months, we'll have the sex, yeah.

We'll have sex in December 1979.

Bloody hell.

What's that?

Do me a favour, please.

Use your Google.

See how many of these you can find a number for.

I'm not your bloody PA.

Jesus, Mama.

I know. Very good year, 1979.

Maybe we'll work on that.

A donkey?

Lucy, the 70s were a golden age.

There was no AIDS.

Nobody had an STI. AIDS starts in the 1970s and you have an STI.

You really... Where are you going?

To see Claire.

Pop to the shop. Do you want anything?

Have you sorted out the literacy stuff?

I'm on it.

Please, I'll buy you a marathon.

It's called Snickers.

And I'm a vegan, remember?

Yeah, I said a marathon, not a bacon roll.

This liquor contains milk.

Sort of coconut.

Coconut milk is different.

Fine, I'll buy you whatever they call a bounty these days, all right? Please.

Why are you here?

I ask myself that question every day, Claire.

Why am I here?

I mean, why are you here in my office?

My PA explained to you that I can't see you today.

Could you let me know a little bit earlier?

She tried to call you at home, but there was no answer.

You are just not competent at work.

Could have used a CB.

It really would make life a lot easier if you had a mobile phone.

So I can stare at it like a zombie, 24 hours a day like everybody else.

No, but it's among its many other uses. Your psychiatrist PA could call you to

rearrange sessions.

You know that kid Liberty that I was telling you about? We're not doing this

now.

I get it. You're stressed.

How about we have a quick chat over Liberty and I make you a nice big pina

colada. I don't like pina coladas, so... Well, you've never tried a pina colada

the mammoth way.

If the mammoth way is one part coconut cream, three parts Bacardi, three parts

pineapple juice, shaken with ice and served with a maraschino cherry as

then yes, I have.

And it was disgusting.

Ah.

But a mammoth way contains a special ingredient.

Cocktail umbrella.

Tempting. But still no.

Now, I really have to finish some paperwork.

See my PA and reschedule for next week.

Maybe join us for a drink later.

No. I am your psychiatrist.

You're my patient.

You've been through a traumatic, challenging experience.

My job is to help you adjust to modern life.

And I have adjusted to modern life. So now maybe I can stop being a patient and

start being a friend?

Not the matter.

Two weeks ago, you offered to take me for a spin in the Capri.

Of course I did. Last week, you bought my PA that.

And today, you tried to make me a pina colada at work. I'd say there's still

some adjusting to do.

Make the appointment.

No thanks, Claire. My six months is up. Further attendance is advised, not

required. I like you, Claire. I like our chats.

But if it's OK with you, I'll go back to doing things the old -fashioned way.

By talking to my friends down the pub.

Your pub is a sports shop and nearly all your friends are dead.

Bye.

So apparently a heavy course of antibiotics should shift it.

Didn't it bite Barbara, then?

I'm out of practice, Mammoth. You were never really in practice.

More of a wingman.

My pilot cracked in 1979.

Yeah. Well, he survived, and now he's making a comeback. A comeback!

Living in a retirement home. Not exactly top gun.

I don't know who that is.

And I'm not living there. Keep telling me. My house is being rewired.

Hal Needham lived at Bert Reynolds' place for 12 years.

Yeah, in a separate house next to Bert's swimming pool.

Bert didn't have to share his tiny bedroom with him.

Bert didn't have to climb over Hal's air mattress to go for a piss in the middle

of the night. Fine.

I'll talk to you later, Kristen.

That's how true it is.

Well, well.

If it isn't Tony, I've his wicked way with you. Then don't even bother to call

your mama.

Judy Jones, what a nice surprise.

I mean, to be fair, Judy, I was technically dead for a while. Yeah,

I saw the telly.

That was last year.

And you don't look particularly dead to me now.

I wondered if our paths would cross.

Well, don't think just because you're still sex on legs that I'm going to

suddenly forget and let you jump into my bed at 24 Rainer Road just behind us.

She was a hell of a girl, Judy Jo.

You're not wrong.

As for you, Roger Buck, if you've got something to say to me, I suggest you

it to my face.

preferably on a Wednesday or a Thursday evening after 7pm.

And if there's a Mazda Bongo outside, just keep on walking. Try again in about

half an hour.

Listen, Roger.

I'm just struggling with being alone.

I've been ever since I came back.

There is no rewire.

I knew.

Of course you did.

You should have known better.

We can't hide things from each other.

We never could.

You feel my pain, my sense of loss.

You see behind this mask.

We've got an unspoken bond.

A deep connection.

It's very special.

Your house is a new build.

Wasn't even a good lie.

The bloke once told a girl he was in Boney M. I think I got away with it. She

was a music teacher at our school.

The school you taught English in. I was intoxicated by her beauty.

You were definitely intoxicated.

Although your Cossack dance in the Rasputin was very impressive.

Especially after you split your trousers.

It was a shame how I carried on.

That was a nice amount of Rihanna.

Any chance of you getting a round in before my next birthday?

What can I get you, lovely?

Two pina coladas, please, Kirsty.

One with no booze in it.

And whatever you're having.

Thanks, but I can't accept a drink when I'm working.

How about after work?

Hello.

Someone called Lucy for you.

Hi,

Lucy. Haven't had a row with your girlfriend, have you?

What? No.

Why was I calling if I asked?

Came on to see you about Liberty.

Said it's urgent.

What are you doing? You've been ages.

Yeah, the session's taken ages.

Dr Davies says I'm finally unlocking my inner truth. Mammoth, I'm calling you on

the pub phone. Get your arse back here now.

Friend of mine.

Lesbian.

What are you doing?

Your minibus risk assessment.

Ridiculous. So driving a minibus after school is risky?

Throwing spears with kids during school is fine. We don't do javelin anymore.

What?

Or discus. We're shocked what Cain said.

We are doing them. I don't care what Cain said.

Those events were his only chest.

People these days don't want to hear a chest.

Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're a dinosaur.

Here's 10p.

Go and find someone who cares.

What's 10p for?

Payphone. You put the 10p in and you... Doesn't matter.

Speaking about phones, I found one of those names in your tragic little book.

Really?

Oh, bloody hell.

Wish me luck.

Hi, is my winner there, please?

Yeah, it's Tony Mammoth.

Not Vlad, is it?

Hi, Vlad, how are you? Yeah, good.

Listen, Vlad, I need to speak to your mother.

Really?

2015.

It's a pity.

She was a lovely woman, your mum.

Listen, Vlad, how did your mum die?

Heart attack. Brilliant. Thanks, Vlad.

Brilliant? Wow.

Did you really have sex with people's mum?

Of course.

Why not? We're both single.

Made sure Vlad never phoned out.

Irina fell over.

What a woman.

You'd have loved her.

Really put the pair at a pair this evening.

Oh, yeah.

You don't have to phone all those, you know.

What?

It was a wind -up.

You pillock.

Well, you enjoyed that, did you?

I did, actually.

Right.

I've got a free lesson.

Cade wants to see you about Liberty, remember?

As I said, I've got a free lesson.

Now, Mama.

All right, I'll go and see him now. Just not right now.

By the way, even though you don't deserve it...

You finally decided to join us.

I didn't realise it was fancy dress.

Funny when I said it.

It's called relaxing, Cain.

Quite some time.

Anyway, I'm doing you a favour.

I've got a free lesson.

A free lesson doesn't mean you're free to do as you please.

Don't call it a free lesson, then.

What do you want? To deal with some very serious matters.

Chair of Governors, Miss Ronson, is here to see if the board needs to take them

further.

Now, Mr Mammoth, is it true that when challenged this morning about his

participation... Liberty Curtis threw his bag at you.

No, Cain, that's not true.

Interesting.

Has he already admitted to it?

I asked to see Liberty's bag. He threw his bag to me. There's a big difference.

Is this what happened, Liberty?

Yes, I think you can move on to your second point, Mr Cain.

Very well.

Mr Mammoth, the lesson in which Liberty...

Packed his bag to you.

Consisted solely of the entire class playing a game of football in their

uniforms. Half of them were not even wearing their shirts. Is that true?

He took out on Columbo. Couldn't find the bibs. He played shirts against

What's the big deal?

It is extremely inappropriate.

Me and the kids didn't think so.

Well, yes. I'm afraid this school isn't a democracy.

Regardless, once this rag -tag kickabout was underway, you decided to leave the

class unsupervised so that you could...

And I can't quite believe I'm saying this.

Smoke your pipe in your car.

Wrong again, OK? They weren't unsupervised.

I referee the game from my car. It's called car reffing.

And don't bother looking up on your little computer, either, because I

it.

I'm not going to smoke my pipe in my car, because I get terrible back pain

the avalanche.

40 years in the snow wasn't enough ice and rest, was it? That's quite funny for

you. The fact is, Cain, a lesser person would have taken more time off, right?

But when it comes to injuries, I'm with evil can evil.

Pain is temporary.

Bones heal.

Chick dig scars.

Mr Marmot, this is very troubling.

Apart from ignoring schemes of work, there are huge health and safety and

implications. You allowed a class to do virtually as they please just to make

the lesson easier for yourself.

He did it for me.

My kit is too small. It's embarrassing.

Mr Marmot said I could do the lesson in my uniform.

He made everyone else wear their uniform so I wouldn't feel stupid.

Is this true, Mr Mammoth?

No.

Well, I suppose that was at least well intended.

And spending the lesson in your car?

Yeah, that was mostly about... I was smoked, to be honest, I am.

It's Miss Ronson.

I think I've heard enough, Mr Cain.

I believe Mr Mammoth used unorthodox methods to achieve a commendable goal.

Anything to add, Mr Cain? No.

Just to thank you all for your time and your interpretation of events.

If you could see yourselves out, I have a lot of work to do.

Look at me.

Well, aren't we?

Proud of you.

Look, sir.

Who is Evo Knievel?

Only the greatest motorcycle stuntman of all time.

Saw him live in Wembley in 1975.

Had a huge crash.

Almost died.

In Las Vegas, he had a massive crash near St. Fountains.

1974, Snake River Canyon. He crashed a rocket. Did he always crash?

I mean, usually, yeah. Because he was trying to push himself to the limit. You

know, he wanted to prove, hey, the impossible, always possible.

But he didn't do that, did he? Because he always crashed.

Yes, but in style, did he?

Even Knievel drove like this, like a white Harley Davidson, with stars and

stripes on the tank.

He had white helmet and leathers with the stars and stripes on it. I mean, he

had a white leather cape.

A cape?

Yeah, a cape.

Why would anyone wear a cape on a motorcycle?

Because it was the 1970s and he wanted to wear a cape, all right? Now stop

having to go at Evel Knievel. The man's a personal hero of mine.

Liberty, before you leave, go and grab your bag.

It's on my desk.

Roger, I can't make tonight.

Sorry. Why?

I love hot chocolate.

You love hot chocolate. Turns out so does Barbara.

I told her you'd love to take her.

She said she'd love to go.

But what are you going to do?

I'll be okay.

Kirsty's coming over later for a couple of drinks.

Kirsty from the pub?

Kirsty that you met at lunchtime?

Yes, Roger.

That Kirsty.

Come back didn't take long.

42 years.

I'm really pleased for you, mammoth.

And I'm really grateful about Barbara. Honestly, I am.

But, uh... I'm too old to sleep in a car.

No, I mean come on over to my place.

You're right.

I need to move on.

Darling, I might.

Happy birthday.

I thought you had an STI.

so much but it's not for mine that i don't understand you shouldn't worry i

that ain't no crime because if you get it wrong you'll be right next time

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