All language subtitles for Mammoth s01e00 Pilot.eng

In 1979, on a school skiing trip, PE
teacher Tony Mammoth is engulfed by an

avalanche.

Perfectly preserved, he remains hidden
under the snow until he is found, and

miraculously brought back to life, 42
years later.

Nine months have now passed, a lifetime
in the world of 24 -hour news.

Mammoth Celebrity has faded, and his
life can finally start to return to

Happy birthday, Rog.

I don't do cards.

The hot chocolate gig, you got them.

Thank you.

Brilliant. I love hot chocolate. Me too.

Errol Brown, eh? What a voice.

Mammoth Errol Brown is dead.

He died a few years ago.

How can he be? Errol Brown is hot
chocolate. No, Errol Brown was the

the band called Hot Chocolate.

Oh, God.

This is going to be our Debbie, Harry
and Blondie conversation all over again.

Don't tell me Blondie's dead.

Debbie, Harry is alive and well.

Go for that.

Seventy. Shit.

How did that happen?

How do you think I feel?

One minute I'm sipping a pina colada in
a ski lodge and you're coming here after

all. Next minute I'm rolling up an air
mattress in an old people's home. And

look like Hot Chocolate's granddad.
Errol Brown's. Errol Brown's granddad.

I'm thinking of asking Barbara to the
pub with us for lunch.

About time, too. She's got any single
friends?

Mammoth, she's 80.

They're all single.

Good point.

Second thoughts, don't ask her.

No offense.

Listen, Mammoth, some people have been
talking.

They're getting suspicious about this.

You know, you being here all the time.
Why? You're here all the time?

Yes, but I live here.

Fine. I get it. You don't know about a
friend in need.

Don't, Mammoth. I need this place.

If they find out you're staying here,
they'll kick us both out.

You need to move on.

Fine. Just ask yourself this.

Would I ever do it to you? You used to
kick me out of the flat every time you

brought someone back, which was a lot.

I had to sleep in the car some nights.
Yeah, and whose car was it, Roger?

It was my car. Mammoth, it was my flat.

Exactly.

Teamwork.

Didn't realise it was fancy dress.

Very witty.

As you know, I'm in marathon training.

As you know, Cain, and marathon is
training.

Because jogging's not sport, is it?

Jogging's something people do to get
ready to play actual sport.

The London Marathon is the biggest
sporting event in this country.

40 ,000 runners, 750 ,000 spectators.

750 ,000 people.

There's nothing better to do on a Sunday
than lean over some railings watching

strangers jog.

Millions more on the television.

What if I'm not lucky with all the
sport?

I bet Dickie Davis is turning in his
grave.

If he's dead, is Dickie Davis dead?

I have no idea.

Now, I'd love to chat to you about the
good old days, but we need to talk about

Liberty Curtis.

Have you read that email I sent you?

No, because A, I never read any emails
ever, and B, C, A.

That's helpful.

Well, I'll summarise.

His non -participation...

is unacceptable, especially during an
inspection year.

Now, I've challenged him on this, and I
don't want to.

Isn't it a bad excuse?

Life isn't that easy.

Yeah, it's been really easy growing up
in a civil war. That war was several

years ago. Now, I know you have trouble
grasping this concept, Mama, but time

moves on.

As his form teacher, from today, you'll
record all refusals to take pattern

lessons on this form.

No, I won't.

He's a good kid and he's been through a
lot.

Stretch out, mammoth.

Use the pot.

You know, my father used to tell me
stories about teaching with you. All

Do you know what word he used to
describe you?

Gifted?

Incorrigible. He did do that as well.

They should never have given you a job
back here.

Yeah, they didn't give me a job back
here, did they?

I never left.

You may think you're cool, coming back
here after 40 years, strutting about the

place like a suntanned peacock, reeking
of old aftershave, and doing your silly

little impressions and being popular.

But we're professionals.

You don't rise to become a headteacher
by being liked.

Luckily for you.

Let me guess.

Cain again?

What?

Well, he just asked me to fill a form on
liberty.

Snitch, in other words.

Well, I'm no Huggy Bear. What's a Huggy
Bear?

Who is Huggy Bear?

He's asking Hutch's informant. Well, I
don't know who they are. Are you more

about boys in paperwork?

No. Because it should be about liberty.

Cain's such a dick, Lucy. I mean, you
and I are different, right? Completely

different. But we make a great team.
We're like Sonny and Cher.

In fact... She left Sonny because he was
an arsehole to her, and no, you can't.

Can't what?

Can't stay at mine for a few days again.

Last time was worth six months of my
life. Worth six months? How? The

was on my door all day.

They don't care about me any more.
What's with that frozen Japanese bird

ages ago? Ages ago used to be the last
time somebody used the word bird to

describe a woman.

Old habit, sorry.

What about telling my sister to get a
life for liking Katy Perry and to check

out... Deely Dan.

Yeah, she'll thank me for that one day.
Oh, one day when she's nine?

And there's the fact, every time a
girlfriend came over, you talked to her

Billie Jean King.

I do mean every single time.

Yeah, a wonderful tennis player and a
strong, inspirational woman.

Great, but you don't have to talk to a
lesbian only about other lesbians. I was

chit -chatting. Or chit -chat about a
job, or her interests, or a lesbian we

didn't have to Google. I was showing
solidarity.

In the 1970s, it was... Oh, I've had all
the time. The bloody 1970s. What have I

got now?

Dollar the telly.

Dollar the music.

Dollar the cars. Dollar the clothes.

My old street's a car park.

Oh, yeah.

I'm currently sleeping on the floor of
an old people's home.

Well, you are 86.

Liberty word, please.

Mr. Kane's been to see me.

You need to start taking part in the
lessons, sir. All of them. Understand?

I don't want to get any fluted.

Now, if there's a problem, come and talk
to me.

What's the matter?

I don't fit in.

You don't fit in.

Look at me.

All the best people don't fit in.

Listen, I've had it tough, all right?

I'm not going to pretend I know how
tough. You've had it because I don't.

The things get better, trust me.

I'm going to try and help you as much as
I can.

It's like what Reynolds said.

I can tell the young person where the
mines are, but they're probably going to

step on them anyway.

Oh, the mine's like an underground bomb.

You step on it and... My uncle was
killed by a

mine.

And you know who Burt Reynolds is.

Put your kit on.

Liberty, stop.

Everyone stop.

Uniforms back on, please.

Boys, a lot of whining going on, OK?

Did Jonathan E worry about getting grass
stains on his leather trousers in

rollerball?

Exactly.

And that's Jonathan E.

Remember?

Jonathan. Jonathan.

Jonathan.

All right.

Rollerball was just a film.

And it was indoors.

But that's not the point.

My back's playing up.

I'm going to car wrap this one.

Play the horn.

No diving.

Skins kick off.

Have you sorted out the liberty?

Doctor. Sorry to keep you right.

Heart rate, excellent. Blood pressure,
excellent.

Lung function, good.

Eyesight and hearing, excellent.
Cognitive function, excellent.

Muscular strength and endurance,
excellent.

BMI, good.

A remarkable set of results, especially
considering the circumstances.

However, something did come up that we'd
somehow missed till now. You have an

STI.

A what? A sexually transmitted
infection.

It's nothing to be too concerned about.
Make an appointment and we'll soon get

it cleared up. We can also discuss your
erectile issue.

This takes it off speakerphone.

Very helpful, thank you. And don't go
talking about that stuff either. It's

confidential.

And temporary.

You realise you have to inform your
sexual partners?

What? All of them? In 12 months, we'll
have the sex, yeah.

We'll have sex in December 1979.

Bloody hell.

What's that?

Do me a favour, please.

Use your Google.

See how many of these you can find a
number for.

I'm not your bloody PA.

Jesus, Mama.

I know. Very good year, 1979.

Maybe we'll work on that.

A donkey?

Lucy, the 70s were a golden age.

There was no AIDS.

Nobody had an STI. AIDS starts in the
1970s and you have an STI.

You really... Where are you going?

To see Claire.

Pop to the shop. Do you want anything?

Have you sorted out the literacy stuff?

I'm on it.

Please, I'll buy you a marathon.

It's called Snickers.

And I'm a vegan, remember?

Yeah, I said a marathon, not a bacon
roll.

This liquor contains milk.

Sort of coconut.

Coconut milk is different.

Fine, I'll buy you whatever they call a
bounty these days, all right? Please.

Why are you here?

I ask myself that question every day,
Claire.

Why am I here?

I mean, why are you here in my office?

My PA explained to you that I can't see
you today.

Could you let me know a little bit
earlier?

She tried to call you at home, but there
was no answer.

You are just not competent at work.

Could have used a CB.

It really would make life a lot easier
if you had a mobile phone.

So I can stare at it like a zombie, 24
hours a day like everybody else.

No, but it's among its many other uses.
Your psychiatrist PA could call you to

rearrange sessions.

You know that kid Liberty that I was
telling you about? We're not doing this

now.

I get it. You're stressed.

How about we have a quick chat over
Liberty and I make you a nice big pina

colada. I don't like pina coladas, so...
Well, you've never tried a pina colada

the mammoth way.

If the mammoth way is one part coconut
cream, three parts Bacardi, three parts

pineapple juice, shaken with ice and
served with a maraschino cherry as

then yes, I have.

And it was disgusting.

Ah.

But a mammoth way contains a special
ingredient.

Cocktail umbrella.

Tempting. But still no.

Now, I really have to finish some
paperwork.

See my PA and reschedule for next week.

Maybe join us for a drink later.

No. I am your psychiatrist.

You're my patient.

You've been through a traumatic,
challenging experience.

My job is to help you adjust to modern
life.

And I have adjusted to modern life. So
now maybe I can stop being a patient and

start being a friend?

Not the matter.

Two weeks ago, you offered to take me
for a spin in the Capri.

Of course I did. Last week, you bought
my PA that.

And today, you tried to make me a pina
colada at work. I'd say there's still

some adjusting to do.

Make the appointment.

No thanks, Claire. My six months is up.
Further attendance is advised, not

required. I like you, Claire. I like our
chats.

But if it's OK with you, I'll go back to
doing things the old -fashioned way.

By talking to my friends down the pub.

Your pub is a sports shop and nearly all
your friends are dead.

Bye.

So apparently a heavy course of
antibiotics should shift it.

Didn't it bite Barbara, then?

I'm out of practice, Mammoth. You were
never really in practice.

More of a wingman.

My pilot cracked in 1979.

Yeah. Well, he survived, and now he's
making a comeback. A comeback!

Living in a retirement home. Not exactly
top gun.

I don't know who that is.

And I'm not living there. Keep telling
me. My house is being rewired.

Hal Needham lived at Bert Reynolds'
place for 12 years.

Yeah, in a separate house next to Bert's
swimming pool.

Bert didn't have to share his tiny
bedroom with him.

Bert didn't have to climb over Hal's air
mattress to go for a piss in the middle

of the night. Fine.

I'll talk to you later, Kristen.

That's how true it is.

Well, well.

If it isn't Tony, I've his wicked way
with you. Then don't even bother to call

your mama.

Judy Jones, what a nice surprise.

I mean, to be fair, Judy, I was
technically dead for a while. Yeah,

I saw the telly.

That was last year.

And you don't look particularly dead to
me now.

I wondered if our paths would cross.

Well, don't think just because you're
still sex on legs that I'm going to

suddenly forget and let you jump into my
bed at 24 Rainer Road just behind us.

She was a hell of a girl, Judy Jo.

You're not wrong.

As for you, Roger Buck, if you've got
something to say to me, I suggest you

it to my face.

preferably on a Wednesday or a Thursday
evening after 7pm.

And if there's a Mazda Bongo outside,
just keep on walking. Try again in about

half an hour.

Listen, Roger.

I'm just struggling with being alone.

I've been ever since I came back.

There is no rewire.

I knew.

Of course you did.

You should have known better.

We can't hide things from each other.

We never could.

You feel my pain, my sense of loss.

You see behind this mask.

We've got an unspoken bond.

A deep connection.

It's very special.

Your house is a new build.

Wasn't even a good lie.

The bloke once told a girl he was in
Boney M. I think I got away with it. She

was a music teacher at our school.

The school you taught English in. I was
intoxicated by her beauty.

You were definitely intoxicated.

Although your Cossack dance in the
Rasputin was very impressive.

Especially after you split your
trousers.

It was a shame how I carried on.

That was a nice amount of Rihanna.

Any chance of you getting a round in
before my next birthday?

What can I get you, lovely?

Two pina coladas, please, Kirsty.

One with no booze in it.

And whatever you're having.

Thanks, but I can't accept a drink when
I'm working.

How about after work?

Hello.

Someone called Lucy for you.

Hi,

Lucy. Haven't had a row with your
girlfriend, have you?

What? No.

Why was I calling if I asked?

Came on to see you about Liberty.

Said it's urgent.

What are you doing? You've been ages.

Yeah, the session's taken ages.

Dr Davies says I'm finally unlocking my
inner truth. Mammoth, I'm calling you on

the pub phone. Get your arse back here
now.

Friend of mine.

Lesbian.

What are you doing?

Your minibus risk assessment.

Ridiculous. So driving a minibus after
school is risky?

Throwing spears with kids during school
is fine. We don't do javelin anymore.

What?

Or discus. We're shocked what Cain said.

We are doing them. I don't care what
Cain said.

Those events were his only chest.

People these days don't want to hear a
chest.

Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're a dinosaur.

Here's 10p.

Go and find someone who cares.

What's 10p for?

Payphone. You put the 10p in and you...
Doesn't matter.

Speaking about phones, I found one of
those names in your tragic little book.

Really?

Oh, bloody hell.

Wish me luck.

Hi, is my winner there, please?

Yeah, it's Tony Mammoth.

Not Vlad, is it?

Hi, Vlad, how are you? Yeah, good.

Listen, Vlad, I need to speak to your
mother.

Really?

2015.

It's a pity.

She was a lovely woman, your mum.

Listen, Vlad, how did your mum die?

Heart attack. Brilliant. Thanks, Vlad.

Brilliant? Wow.

Did you really have sex with people's
mum?

Of course.

Why not? We're both single.

Made sure Vlad never phoned out.

Irina fell over.

What a woman.

You'd have loved her.

Really put the pair at a pair this
evening.

Oh, yeah.

You don't have to phone all those, you
know.

What?

It was a wind -up.

You pillock.

Well, you enjoyed that, did you?

I did, actually.

Right.

I've got a free lesson.

Cade wants to see you about Liberty,
remember?

As I said, I've got a free lesson.

Now, Mama.

All right, I'll go and see him now. Just
not right now.

By the way, even though you don't
deserve it...

You finally decided to join us.

I didn't realise it was fancy dress.

Funny when I said it.

It's called relaxing, Cain.

Quite some time.

Anyway, I'm doing you a favour.

I've got a free lesson.

A free lesson doesn't mean you're free
to do as you please.

Don't call it a free lesson, then.

What do you want? To deal with some very
serious matters.

Chair of Governors, Miss Ronson, is here
to see if the board needs to take them

further.

Now, Mr Mammoth, is it true that when
challenged this morning about his

participation... Liberty Curtis threw
his bag at you.

No, Cain, that's not true.

Interesting.

Has he already admitted to it?

I asked to see Liberty's bag. He threw
his bag to me. There's a big difference.

Is this what happened, Liberty?

Yes, I think you can move on to your
second point, Mr Cain.

Very well.

Mr Mammoth, the lesson in which
Liberty...

Packed his bag to you.

Consisted solely of the entire class
playing a game of football in their

uniforms. Half of them were not even
wearing their shirts. Is that true?

He took out on Columbo. Couldn't find
the bibs. He played shirts against

What's the big deal?

It is extremely inappropriate.

Me and the kids didn't think so.

Well, yes. I'm afraid this school isn't
a democracy.

Regardless, once this rag -tag kickabout
was underway, you decided to leave the

class unsupervised so that you could...

And I can't quite believe I'm saying
this.

Smoke your pipe in your car.

Wrong again, OK? They weren't
unsupervised.

I referee the game from my car. It's
called car reffing.

And don't bother looking up on your
little computer, either, because I

it.

I'm not going to smoke my pipe in my
car, because I get terrible back pain

the avalanche.

40 years in the snow wasn't enough ice
and rest, was it? That's quite funny for

you. The fact is, Cain, a lesser person
would have taken more time off, right?

But when it comes to injuries, I'm with
evil can evil.

Pain is temporary.

Bones heal.

Chick dig scars.

Mr Marmot, this is very troubling.

Apart from ignoring schemes of work,
there are huge health and safety and

implications. You allowed a class to do
virtually as they please just to make

the lesson easier for yourself.

He did it for me.

My kit is too small. It's embarrassing.

Mr Marmot said I could do the lesson in
my uniform.

He made everyone else wear their uniform
so I wouldn't feel stupid.

Is this true, Mr Mammoth?

No.

Well, I suppose that was at least well
intended.

And spending the lesson in your car?

Yeah, that was mostly about... I was
smoked, to be honest, I am.

It's Miss Ronson.

I think I've heard enough, Mr Cain.

I believe Mr Mammoth used unorthodox
methods to achieve a commendable goal.

Anything to add, Mr Cain? No.

Just to thank you all for your time and
your interpretation of events.

If you could see yourselves out, I have
a lot of work to do.

Look at me.

Well, aren't we?

Proud of you.

Look, sir.

Who is Evo Knievel?

Only the greatest motorcycle stuntman of
all time.

Saw him live in Wembley in 1975.

Had a huge crash.

Almost died.

In Las Vegas, he had a massive crash
near St. Fountains.

1974, Snake River Canyon. He crashed a
rocket. Did he always crash?

I mean, usually, yeah. Because he was
trying to push himself to the limit. You

know, he wanted to prove, hey, the
impossible, always possible.

But he didn't do that, did he? Because
he always crashed.

Yes, but in style, did he?

Even Knievel drove like this, like a
white Harley Davidson, with stars and

stripes on the tank.

He had white helmet and leathers with
the stars and stripes on it. I mean, he

had a white leather cape.

A cape?

Yeah, a cape.

Why would anyone wear a cape on a
motorcycle?

Because it was the 1970s and he wanted
to wear a cape, all right? Now stop

having to go at Evel Knievel. The man's
a personal hero of mine.

Liberty, before you leave, go and grab
your bag.

It's on my desk.

Roger, I can't make tonight.

Sorry. Why?

I love hot chocolate.

You love hot chocolate. Turns out so
does Barbara.

I told her you'd love to take her.

She said she'd love to go.

But what are you going to do?

I'll be okay.

Kirsty's coming over later for a couple
of drinks.

Kirsty from the pub?

Kirsty that you met at lunchtime?

Yes, Roger.

That Kirsty.

Come back didn't take long.

42 years.

I'm really pleased for you, mammoth.

And I'm really grateful about Barbara.
Honestly, I am.

But, uh... I'm too old to sleep in a
car.

No, I mean come on over to my place.

You're right.

I need to move on.

Darling, I might.

Happy birthday.

I thought you had an STI.

so much but it's not for mine that i
don't understand you shouldn't worry i

that ain't no crime because if you get
it wrong you'll be right next time

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