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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Kumail Nanjiani!

Hi!

Yeah!

Hi!

Yeah!

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

How's it going, Chicago?

Just walking out, as soon as you-- I heard you cheer, almost started crying.

That's not... I got overwhelmed, thank you.

You are so absolutely wonderful.

It means so much to me that you're here tonight.

Uh, I wanna clarify one thing.

I wanna make sure you all know that I started off

as a stand-up comedian here in Chicago.

I did.

I-- I started off doing stand-up in Chicago.

Then I did it for many years.

I stopped for like 10 years, and now I've started stand-up again.

It's very important to me that you understand

that I'm not like an actor who's like, "Now, I'm gonna do some stand-up."

I'd rather you think I invented COVID, okay?

Also, do not get weird about the muscles.

I know some people get weird about them.

Don't get weird. Don't get weird.

It's like...

Some people get scared. Don't be scared.

These muscles can't hurt you.

These muscles are decorative.

These muscles have never seen combat.

This is the closest I've ever been to a fight, okay?

This was years ago when I lived in Brooklyn.

I was driving my wife's car around at night to try and find a spot.

I finally found a spot.

I pulled in, another guy was pulling in, we started arguing.

I was like, "Go fuck yourself."

He got out of the car, started walking towards me

and he was like, "What did you say?" And I was like, "I said...

I was sorry!"

That's the closest I've ever been to a fight.

Never been in a fight because I'm super good at apologizing.

Love being back in Chicago. A lot of stuff has changed, um...

Marijuana's legal here now.

I'm gonna start off controversial.

I think legalizing marijuana was a mistake.

Oh. Okay, hold on.

That's not the end of the show.

I have a point to make.

By the way, does anyone remember what it was like

buying marijuana before it was legal?

You had to, like, go to a guy's house.

You had to, like, pretend to be friends with a guy.

You had to, like, watch a little bit of The Matrix with him.

You had to pet his iguana. It was a fucking nightmare.

And then, what did you do after buying weed from him?

- Smoke. - Yes! Smoke with him!

W-What? No!

You have so much, I have so little.

Why do I have to give some of it back to you for free?

You don't do that at other places. At a restaurant, to the waiter,

you're not like, "Alright, here's a bite of my burger."

Let me explain what I mean, okay?

I think marijuana should be decriminalized.

I don't think people should go-- yeah.

I don't think people should go to jail for marijuana possession.

People who are in jail for marijuana possession should be let out.

I think it's ridiculous.

I just don't think it should be, like, 100% legal.

I feel I should have to break the law a little bit...

to feel the way I feel when I'm high.

I'll give you an example. A few weeks ago,

my wife and I were in Northern California.

We're going on a nice date night to a nice restaurant.

And I'd taken an edible.

And, by the way, now that weed's legal,

edibles are way better because there's a number on the box...

...that tells you the maximum high you will possibly get.

Back in the day, it was always a mysterious adventure.

Some people were just trying to prove a point.

I remember back when I lived here, there was an old lady

who'd go to bars and sell weed muffins.

And I once bought a weed muffin from her.

- Woo! - And I ate it, and she was like,

"You ate the whole thing?!"

"You have to go home right now."

And then I laid awake in bed for three days

thinking about every email I'd sent in the last five years.

So, much better now.

We were going on a date, I'd taken an edible, and I was super high.

But I knew the number on the box, so I felt safe.

So, we go, we sit down outside.

There's gorgeous mountains and the sun's in my eyes,

and I'm just staring at it like...

I'm so high, I'm just like, "You're high. I'm high.

Same word, two meanings."

The waiter comes up to me, he's like, "Sir, right now, the sun's in your eyes."

And I'm like... "Yeah, no--

Yeah, no shit."

He says, "Sir, right now, the sun's in your eyes,

"but once it starts to set, you are going to be treated

to the most beautiful sunset in all of California."

And I looked at this man super high, and I was like,

"Well, is the sun going to set behind the mountains?

Or in front of the mountains?"

It should be a little bit illegal.

I should have to break the law a little bit to forget how the sun works.

I was genuinely like, "Well, I've never been to your restaurant, so...

"I don't know how you're doing things here.

"I don't know if you're setting the sun behind the mountains

"or in front of the mountains.

But if it's in front, I would like to be reseated."

I've been going to a lot of concerts recently.

I love going to concerts. I love seeing live music.

It's one of my favorite things to do. It feels like magic to me.

- Like, I can't do that, and I love-- - Woo!

Yeah, I love going to concerts.

I'll tell you what I hate, and it happens at every concert.

I hate the encore. I hate the whole fucking thing of it.

Don't pretend to leave. Stay out here,

play all the songs in a row.

It's late. I have work in the morning.

Stay out here, play all the songs in a row.

Woo!

How fragile is your ego

that you have to make us extra clap for you...

...so you'll finish the show that we've already paid for?

We've been clapping for you all night.

What will fill the hole in your souls, musicians?

Don't make us play along with your silly little game.

They're like, "Alright, show's over.

We're leaving without playing our three biggest songs."

"Oh no!

"I can't believe the Eagles left without playing 'Hotel California.'

"And 'Desperado.'

And... 'Hotel California.'"

I don't really know their music.

I saw a show recently, this made me so angry!

When they pretended to leave for the encore,

the guitarist left his phone out there.

Bring that with you, man!

At least pretend you're leaving for good.

You know, if you're gonna do it, really commit to it.

Bring up the lights, open the doors,

insist the show is over.

And then, as everyone's leaving,

come back out and play three more songs.

Make everyone cancel their Ubers.

Chicago, you guys are so wonderful.

Can I talk about something that's a little, like,

emotionally difficult for me to talk about?

Are we okay with that?

I have your permission?

Yeah? Okay, great.

Um, I have a cat.

I do. Her name is Bagel.

I call her Everything Bagel because she is everything to me.

- I-- - Aw!

I tell you that story to-- to illustrate how disgusting my love is for her.

I love her too much. She's too important to me.

I'm scared by how much I love her. Like, she's my whole heart.

Sometimes I kiss her face so much, I put her whole-- whole face in my mouth.

I wish I could eat her

and have her still be around, you know?

Trump was right about immigrants.

I wish I could eat her, and then give birth to her,

because that's what true love is.

I have so many names for her:

Bagel, Bages,

Little Baby Bages.

And recently, out of nowhere, Sweet Christian Girl.

I don't know how it started.

I didn't even realize I was doing it. My wife caught me.

She's like, "Are you calling our cat 'Sweet Christian Girl'?"

It makes no sense because I am not Christian.

And she's not Christian.

I mean, she believes there's something, you know?

She's "spiritual."

Fuckin' Hollywood cats. Obnoxious.

Bagel, uh, just turned 16.

Alright, I don't need that.

Don't love that reaction.

I understand how time works, okay?

You can't do that with humans. "My grandma just turned 90."

I know, 16 is an advanced age for a cat.

Her age snuck up on me. I remember when she was eight,

when Little Baby Bagel was eight.

I took her to the vet, and the vet was like,

"You know the thing with geriatric cats is--"

and I was like, "What do you mean, 'geriatric'?!

"It's a little baby, look at her!

"That's a little baby. Write down 'baby' on your stupid chart.

I have a question for you. Are you an idiot?"

Pull out a laser pointer. "Is this the behavior of an adult?"

"Write down 'baby.'"

Her age snuck up on me 'cause there aren't, like, milestones

that mark the passage of time with cats, you know?

Like, they don't, like, go to school, and learn to drive, and get married.

No. Like, I got Bagel when she was this little.

A few months later, she was this big.

And since then, she's looked exactly the same.

And learned zero new things.

So, her age totally snuck up on me.

Last year, I was in London working for four months,

and I brought Bagel with me 'cause I can't live without her.

And, uh, Little Baby Bagel started having some health issues.

- Oh. - She did.

And, um, we had to take her to the vet a whole bunch of times,

we had to do a bunch of different tests.

She had to stay at the hospital overnight.

- Aw. - It was horrible, yeah.

And then, when we finally had the final meeting with the vet,

when they'd figured out what was wrong with Bagel,

we go in, and this British vet's there,

and he's got this very somber look on his face.

And he's like, "Your cat has an enlarged heart."

And I was like, "Yeah, I know she's got a big heart.

"Like, when I'm sad, she can, like, feel it,

"like we're psychically linked, and she puts her face right here

and purrs, and it makes me feel better, it does."

And he says, uh, "No, uh, in cats, a big heart is bad."

And I was like, "Okay. Well, then what-sized heart is good?"

And he said, "A normal-sized heart."

I knew the meeting wasn't going well,

'cause the first thing I did when I got home

was I googled, "Are vets even real doctors?"

They are.

They have to go to-- they, like, go to school for it and everything.

And, like, human doctors have to take care of the human body.

Vets have to take care of every other kind of body on planet Earth!

You could bring in an iguana or a peacock, and they'd have to be like,

"Alright, let's see what's going on inside this fucking thing."

"I hope it has a heart. Otherwise, I don't know where to start."

Anyway, so back to the meeting, this guy's giving us this news,

and it's not great news.

And I don't know what my face did,

but this British guy got really awkward,

and he started, like, backing up,

and he was, like, looking for something and he couldn't find it.

And then, finally, he found-- you know that butcher paper

the doctors pull out that they make you sit on?

Like, it's like that really thin and really loud piece of paper?

You could-- could kinda see through it.

Like, it's the same material as disposable toilet seat covers on airplanes.

He rips off a corner of that and hands it to me.

And I'm like, "Why is he give it-- giving this to me?

Oh, he thinks I'm gonna cry."

And I say to him, "I'm not gonna..." And before I can finish, just tears.

- Aww. - Tears down my face, yeah.

Now, I'm trying to use this to dry my tears.

And it's not absorbent at all.

I'm just relocating the tears around my face.

I have tears on my forehead, which is a new sensation.

And watching me c-- cry, this British guy got so awkward

'cause he's British and emotions are not...

End of sentence.

So now, this guy gives us these five pills

and he's like, "Just give 'em to your cat every day."

And I'm like... "How do you suggest I do that?

You know how cats are famously compliant and do whatever you ask them to do?"

And he goes, "Just put it in her food, she'll eat it."

Which, of course, that doesn't work! Like, imagine you're at a restaurant

and in your spaghetti there's, like, five Tylenols.

You'd be like, "Fuck this restaurant. I'm leaving.

Oh, my back doesn't hurt anymore."

Has anyone here had to medicate a cat?

It's so hard, right?

If your life is too easy, medicate a cat.

Actually, the newest Saw movie, one of the challenges is,

they have to medicate a cat.

Everybody dies.

Except for the cat. The cat's still alive.

So, the pills-in-the-food plan doesn't work.

So then, they give us-- the people who've medicated cats I'm sure know this.

It's like a plastic syringe thing, yep.

But instead of a needle at the end, there's a hole,

and you put the pill in the hole.

You're supposed to open her mouth and shoot the pill

into the back of her little baby throat, which presents a problem.

I cannot get her mouth open. I don't know how.

I'm so much bigger than her.

I don't know how she's been exercising her jaw muscles.

I don't know if she's been doing Tae Bo

or a more updated workout reference.

Woo!

P90X, she's doing.

She's doing Purr 90X-- "Purr" 90X?

She's doing Meow Bo. Ooh, imagine, a little cat?

My therapist says I retreat into puns

when things get emotionally challenging.

And I'm feline she was correct.

Alright.

I'll go fuck myself after the show.

So, that doesn't work. So then, we're in London.

We find this French product. It's a pill putty.

And you-- it's like a goopy thing and you put the pill in the middle,

and surround it with the goop, and then they can't taste the pill,

and they eat the whole thing.

And people who don't know, pill putty looks and feels like Play-Doh

and smells like the sewers beneath Buffalo Wild Wings.

And Bagel loves it!

She can't get enough of it!

And the particular product she likes-- we were in London,

this was a French product-- and the name of the product she loves

was, uh, EasyPill Giver Cat.

They just typed some shit into Google Translate,

and they were like, "Let's go with exactly that.

No rewrite required. AI comes through again."

EasyPill Giver Cat.

Easy pill,

giver cat.

"EasyPill," one word. EasyPill, which is not a word.

EasyPill Giver Cat.

She's not the giver cat, she's the given cat.

I have notes.

But Bagel loves this so much, so when we fly back to our home in LA,

we bring suitcases full of EasyPill Giver Cat with us.

We give it to her at home in LA and she's like,

"Oh no, that's my European food.

"I don't fuck with that at home.

I'm on a diet."

So, then we take her to her vet in LA, and he gives us this ointment

that you can rub in her ear that just does the exact same thing.

"Why didn't you lead with that?!

"Did you invent this last week?

Tell the European vets about it."

So, that's my advice to you. If you have to medicate a cat,

go right to the ointment that you can rub in their ear.

But before you do that, try EasyPill Giver Cat.

I'm selling boxes after the show.

I get night thoughts.

Do you guys get night thoughts?

- Woo! - Yeah, you know what I'm talking about?

When you're laying in bed in the middle of the night

and you can't sleep, and your brain's like,

"Here's something new for you to worry about.

"Oh, you hadn't thought of that?

"It's 'cause you're a little bit stupid.

And all your friends know."

Night thoughts are like day thoughts, except they hate you.

While the sun's out, I have all the confidence in the world,

but at night comes the hour of questioning.

Every night, I have to budget one hour,

every night between 3:00 and 5:00 a.m., one hour every night

where the good parts of my brain are asleep

and the bad parts have come out to play.

So, I'm gonna read to you my most recent night thoughts.

These are all real, verbatim, actual thoughts

that have kept me up at night, okay?

"Night Thoughts:

"That email that I sent earlier today,

"I said, 'Thanks for reaching out, good to hear from you.'

"Should I have said 'Great to hear from you'?

"I should email them right now and clarify.

They'll know I care because I'm emailing at 4:17 a.m."

"Remember that raccoon that used to come to your house every day,

"and then one day it stopped coming?

I wonder if I did anything to upset it."

"Is Big Bird a chicken?"

Oh, this one's really keeping me up at night.

Okay, this one's really fucking my shit up.

This one's really keeping me up at night.

"White people..."

There's more!

You know what? You're totally right. Just that, too.

Just "White people," period.

Knowing you're out there.

Who can sleep, you know?

Good to see so many of you here tonight.

See if you can follow this, okay?

This is really keeping me up at night. Okay, see if you can follow this.

"White people get to have every different hair

"and eye color there is possible naturally,

"and every other race gets the exact same ones.

"White people can have red hair, and blonde hair, and auburn hair,

"and green eyes, and blue eyes, and hazel eyes.

And every other race gets black hair and black eyes."

Across the board! Every other race.

Asian people, Black people, my kind of Asian people...

...Hispanic people.

We just get black hair and black eyes.

What the fuck is that about?

I can't figure it out.

The best I can come up with is that God loves you more.

But I know that can't be true. He sees what you're like.

We just get black hair and black eyes.

Also, those aren't just ours.

White people can have black hair and black eyes, too.

You've colonized that as well.

Whenever I see a white person with black hair and black eyes,

I'm like, "Get off my lawn!"

"What does CVS stand for?"

So, I have anxiety.

And I was thinking about this, I think the reason we have anxiety

is 'cause our bodies' self-preservation mechanisms

are, like, completely outdated.

Our, like, self-preservation mechanisms, our survival mechanisms

are all fight-or-flight based, right?

'Cause back in the day, you see a leopard,

your body gets you ready for intense physical activity

so you can, like, fight it or run the fuck away from it.

And now, for the most part, we don't have those problems,

but our body's presenting the same solutions.

It's just fight or flight.

So, I'll be laying in bed in the middle of the night,

not able to sleep, like, "At the party earlier today,

"when I told Greta that I thought all kids were stupid,

I hope she didn't think I meant just, like, her kid was stupid."

And my brain's like,

"You're being attacked by a lion right now!

"I've made your heart beat super fast and you're breathing super shallow.

So, go find a tree to climb. Go, go, go!"

And I'm just laying in bed vibrating like, "Whoa!

"I should go to her Instagram

and just fave pictures that feature her child."

My body's like, "I've made you start sweating so you don't overheat."

And I'm like, I just wanna go to sleep!

It's like, "Oh, you're sleeping? Don't worry.

"All that energy will be funneled into making sure

"you grind your teeth all night.

"Is that helpful?

"Will a visit to a condescending, judgmental dentist

be the solution you're looking for?"

There's such a chasm between the problems we have

and the solutions our bodies present.

Like, you're like, "I have a-- I have a new job starting tomorrow.

"I hope my coworkers like me.

I hope they don't realize that I'm full of shit."

And your body's like, "I got it. I'll make sure you don't poop for a week."

That's not helpful.

My wife and I, we, um,

we, uh, we live in LA, we have a house in LA.

And the house has a pool.

If I did not have to mention that fact for this story,

I would have left it out.

I'm trying to be relatable up here, Chicago.

I don't know what to tell you.

Shit's hard, life's unfair.

I have a pool.

It's a modest pool.

It's huge, it's just not sure about itself.

So, we were having work done to the house,

and while we were having work done to the house,

my wife and I were crashing at a friend's place.

One day, we go to check on the work that's being done to the house,

and around our pool we find an empty bag of chips

and an empty pair of pants.

And my lovely wife freaks out a little bit.

She's like, "What's going on? We have to find out what's going on.

"I don't know what to do. What do we do? What do we do?

We should install cameras."

So, I'm like, "Okay, let's do that, honey. We'll install cameras."

So, we install cameras.

A few days later, we're at the place we're crashing at and bing,

there's an alert on my phone.

I turn it on. There's a live feed

from the cameras at my house to my phone.

And I can see, in real time...

a young man and a young woman, like a young couple.

I see them climbing over my gate and walking through my backyard.

I'm just seeing this happen. They don't even have the decency

to do like a sneaky robber walk, you know?

They're being totally nonchalant about it.

They're not being "chalant" at all.

They go to my backyard, they open their picnic basket.

They brought a picnic basket!

And they pull out bread, and cheese, and a bread knife.

They brought a bread knife!

They're not even in my pool, they're teasing my pool.

They're foreplaying my pool.

They're just sitting there eating bread and cheese and laughing.

They're laughing. And I'm watching this right here,

and Emily's watching it right here.

And I'm like, "What are they laughing about?"

Like, "Ah, we're so good at petty crimes."

And Emily goes,

"Well, uh, you know, there is a microphone on the camera."

- Ooh! - Ooh, yeah!

So, I'm like, "Alright, let's party."

So, we turn on the microphone and now we can hear, in real time,

their entire conversation.

And they're having, like, a total third date conversation.

You know what I mean?

Where she's like, "My parents divorced when I was a kid."

And he's like, "Mine too. We should have sex for the first time."

Like, that's the vibe, you know?

Anyway, I'm watching it right here, and Emily's watching it right here.

And Emily goes, uh, "We should drive over there right now."

And I'm like, "I don't want to drive over there, honey.

They have a knife."

And Emily says, "We can bring a knife."

"Yeah, I don't want to get into a knife fight today, my love.

"What happens if I lose?

"Actually, Emily, what happens if I win the knife fight?

"Do I just murder them?

Is that what you want, my love?"

"You were swimming in my pool." Stab, stab, stab.

"Honey, as per your instructions, I have killed the trespassing picnickers.

"That's their corpses.

"Do you have the instruction manual for the new camera system?

'Cause we gotta delete some footage."

Shit looks premeditated.

I walk in with a knife.

So, we decide we're not gonna do that, okay, so we're just discussing.

We're just talking about, should we call the police?

We're really discussing it, like, we're having a real conversation about it.

Like, where I'm like, "Well, you know, honey,

"we don't want them swimming in our pool,

"but we also don't want them to get arrested over this.

"Like, it is technically breaking and entering.

"But you know, Emily, once your name's in the system,

"you can't get jobs.

It's a very difficult hole to climb out of, my love."

We're really talking about this, I'm like, "You know the criminal justice system

"of this country, it is not interested in rehabilitation.

"No, the criminal justice system of America

"creates career criminals.

I was watching this documentary about it."

And I've noticed that while we've been talking,

both of them have stopped talking

and are staring at us through the phone.

'Cause when you turn on the microphone, it goes both ways.

They've heard this entire conversation.

They've heard us being like, "We can bring a knife."

Now, we're staring at them, they're staring at us,

like two raccoons caught in the trash.

Bright green, glowing, night vision eyes.

And then after the longest silence of my life-- I swear this is true!

After the longest silence of my life, my wife goes...

"The police have been called."

I'm like, "Emily, are you doing like a robot voice?"

She's like, "It sounds more official."

They can hear this part, too.

"The police have been called.

The police have been called." She's just saying it over and over.

She's stuck, she doesn't know how to get out of it.

She's looking to me for help and I'm like,

I can't leave her hanging, so I panic, and I'm like,

"Yes, you are correct. The police are on their way.

"They just got in the police car.

"I am the police car robot.

"It's a new program they're trying in Los Angeles County.

Turn left on La Cienega."

They left.

'Cause they'd heard two cyborgs arguing the ins and outs

of the prison industrial complex.

Decided instead to go have sex for the first time.

As they were leaving, I got back on the microphone

and-- and I was like, "On your way out,

please grab one box of EasyPill Giver Cat."

I am an immigrant.

I am.

Are there any other immigrants here?

Immigrants? Yes?

Yeah. Where are you from?

- India. - India.

Yay!

I think there's some other ones here.

I'm from Pakistan.

It used to be called India.

How long have you been here?

- Forty-eight years. - Forty-eight years. Wow.

Anybody else? Any other?

R-- Yes, hi. Where are you from?

Uh, former USSR.

Former USSR. Uh, what's it called today?

You've told me where you're not from.

- Where? - Russia.

Russia. Are you-- W-Why didn't you just say Russia?

Why? Has it been in the news recently?

What did happen to Russia?

I feel like we used to hear about them a lot.

It's been silence for a while.

How long have you-- how long have you been here?

- Forty-nine years. - Forty-nine years.

So, how old were you when you came here?

- Seven. - Seven.

Are there any real immigrants here?

I'm just being serious.

Anybody else? Is there any other immigrant?

Okay, what you can't do

is point at someone else.

You can't be like, "Immigrant right over here."

You can't do that for the next four years.

So, we know this, I think-- you know, people who were born here

think the borders are wide open, anybody can just waltz in.

But people like us who had to move here

understand that, like, nothing could be further from the truth.

It's very hard to move to America.

It took me 14 years to get my green card.

It cost me over $10,000. Lawyer fees, application fees.

And if people don't know this, that entire process

comes down to one interview.

And on that day in that room, there's one person,

and it's-- on that day, it's completely up to that person.

They can say yes, and you can stay.

Or they say no, and you're on a boat to Pakistan.

That's only if you're from Pakistan. That's not the standard.

"But I'm from Canada."

"Fuck you. Boat to Pakistan."

"Oh, no!

The stakes are so high."

So, I go in to talk to this woman, and, uh, she's sitting at her desk,

and I cannot believe she was allowed to have this.

This is completely true. Right behind her desk, on the wall,

she had a big Jesus calendar.

But like a Jesus of the month calendar...

...with Jesus performing, like, different activities every month, you know?

Like Jesus fishing,

Jesus dunking on LeBron.

My month was Jesus driving a boat to Pakistan.

So, I sit down, and she's gonna interview me,

and I'm very intimidated, and she wants to be intimidating.

She's, like, got her glasses down to here.

She's leaning in, she's trying to poke holes in my story.

She's trying to catch me in a lie.

Then, about halfway through, just to see what would happen,

about halfway through, I go,

"Well, I don't consider myself Muslim anymore."

And she immediately switches.

Way nicer after that.

Like, genuinely, her shoulders relax. She's like, "Oh, thank God."

Her glasses are off, she's leaning back.

Now, she's laughing at jokes I'm making.

And then, she asks me, she's like, "So, how do your parents

feel about the fact that you will raise your kids Christian?"

Yeah, which I never said anything about.

She just assumed, "If he doesn't like vanilla,

he must like chocolate."

So, I looked at her and I was like,

"Ma'am, they're not gonna be happy about it,

"but I just love Jesus so much.

Where did you get that calendar?"

Approved!

Um, I am so genuinely excited to be back in this gorgeous theater.

It's so beautiful.

This... This is where I started stand-up.

This is where I met my lovely wife. Oh, my God.

So, I'm just very...

...very happy to be back here.

The last time I did this venue was in 2000 and...

And, uh,

I opened for Zach Galifianakis here.

And I remember doing that show

and being like, "Someday I'll headline this place."

And today, I get to shoot my special here.

Yeah.

So, thank you for coming.

No, you've been so wonderful. It's been truly so wonderful to come back.

Can I talk about another thing

that's like emotionally vulnerable for me to talk about?

Are we okay with that? Yes?

Okay, thank you.

So, this is-- this is emotionally vulnerable.

This is difficult for me to talk about. Um, this is true.

A few months ago, I did a friend's podcast.

And on the podcast, I mentioned that I was in a movie.

When it came out, its reviews were so bad

and hurt my feelings so deeply that I started seeing a therapist.

And, uh, for some reason, that little part of the podcast

got picked up by every major newspaper in America.

Like, truly, like Chicago Tribune, uh, Sun Times,

New York Times, uh, Rolling Stone.

Everybody picked it up, and they all had the exact same headline.

You can look this up, the headline was,

"Bad Reviews Land Kumail Nanjiani In Therapy."

Which, they did not land me in therapy.

People land in jail.

I did not get sentenced to therapy.

A judge wasn't like, "47% on Rotten Tomatoes?

"You need to talk to a professional.

"You call that a third act?

Too many characters."

Not great that obviously so many people know exactly what movie I'm talking about.

Not great.

I didn't land in therapy. I chose to go to therapy

because I realized that too much of my self-esteem

was tied up in what people thought about my work.

Like, if I made something good that people liked, I was a good person.

If I made something bad that people didn't like, I was a bad person.

And I realized that that was untenable.

I had to figure out how to have my self-worth come from inside me

and not be based on other people's opinions of my work.

That's why I went to therapy.

That was not America's reaction.

What followed instead, was two weeks

of everyone on social media calling me a baby.

No, no, no.

In their defense, they're totally right. I'm a big baby.

My feelings get hurt constantly and deeply,

which is why I went to therapy,

so it wouldn't ruin my fucking life anymore.

And there were thousands of responses on social media for two weeks,

people that were very angry at me for talking about going to therapy.

And there were thousands of responses, but really,

there were five different responses thousands of times.

'Cause everyone in social media thinks they're so clever and original,

but they're just repeating shit that thousands of people have already said.

So, really, there were, uh, five different responses,

thousands of times, five different responses.

And we're gonna go over each of those responses...

...and talk about them, okay?

Response number one:

"Oh, your big Hollywood movie didn't do well.

Are we supposed to feel sorry for you?"

No, I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't!

But I get to feel sorry for me.

This is my life. I'm inside of here.

I worked really hard for a year on something

that I thought was gonna be awesome.

And when it came out, everyone was like, "No, it sucks.

"Also, we think you're stupid!

"Also, we've decided you're gonna be the first person

we mock for getting in shape."

What?! How the fuck did that happen?!

That's happened to nobody else in the history of civilization.

Why me?!

"Oh, he got abs? What a moron."

What?!

Who changed the rules?

Why didn't anybody give me a heads up?

Do you know how hard this was?

I have not smelled cake in years!

And now, I know all of you are waiting for me to go back to how I was.

Oh, it'd make you so happy if I go back to how I was.

So now, I'm stuck in this prison,

'cause I don't want to give you the satisfaction.

There's no reason for me to be buff anymore,

but I am, because fuck you.

I'll be doing push-ups on my deathbed, because fuck you.

When I look at cake and wanna eat it,

I think of how happy it'll make you if I eat it,

and that gives me the strength to not eat it.

Response number two...

Woo!

"Oh, you got paid for a movie that didn't do well? Boo-hoo."

It is true. I did get paid for it.

But that doesn't mean that I don't get to be sad when it didn't do well.

And the implication there is that because my life is great--

and it's true, I have a great life.

I really do, and I'm very, very grateful for it.

Like, I can't believe I get to be up here,

talking to you amazing people for a living.

I'm genuinely very thankful for it.

I understand I'm very, very fortunate.

Very thankful for it.

However...

...that does not mean that bad shit does not happen to me.

I have disappointments, I have fears.

- My baby cat gets sick. - Aw!

Sometimes my abs get stuck in my belt.

You don't know what that's like, you deep-dish motherfuckers.

People swim in my pool without my permission.

Just trying to see where the line is.

Response number three:

"Watching your movie made me wanna get therapy."

Oh, that's good. That's clever.

Give yourself a cookie, I'm not gonna eat it,

because fuck you, remember?

"Watching your movie made me wanna get therapy."

Well, then you were just looking for an excuse to go to therapy,

and you're welcome.

Your whole family can thank me.

Response number four:

"Oh, he worked really hard for a year on his movie

and then it didn't do well. Of course, he went crazy."

Okay, I wanna talk about that.

First of all, mental illness is a real illness,

and you should not denigrate people who have it

by calling them crazy. That's wrong.

Yeah.

But also, you don't have to have mental illness to go to therapy,

and just 'cause you go to therapy does not mean you have mental illness.

Right.

Yeah.

I'm fortunate in that I don't have mental illness,

but I still benefit from therapy

because I have a bunch of trash in my head,

and I don't know what to do with it.

I don't know what's what. I don't know what's trash,

and what's recycling, and what's composting.

Night thoughts every fucking night, you know?

I needed someone to go through that

and sift through it, and label things for me, you know?

That's helpful for me.

This is true, for a long time-- this is completely true.

For a long time, I didn't think I had any negative feelings.

That's true, I didn't think I had any negative feelings.

I thought I was happy all the time.

And then every now and then, I'd get very angry out of nowhere.

Turns out, I did have negative feelings.

I just didn't know it.

And I would take that unprocessed feeling and point it at the wrong thing.

So, when it came to feelings, I did not know what I was feeling,

and I did not know what I was feeling it towards.

I'll give you an example.

A few years ago, my dad was in a car accident.

He wasn't hurt at all, he was totally fine.

He's still totally fine, completely fine.

However, it was a very scary car accident.

His car flipped over twice.

And right after he crawled out of where the windshield used to be,

the first thing he did was he called me on the phone

'cause he needed to talk to someone who would make him feel better.

And I could tell he was okay, but I could tell he was panicking.

So, I was like, "Dad, you're okay. You're panicking a little bit.

"But that's very understandable, given what you went through.

"I know the car is totaled, but that does not matter.

"What matters is that you're okay.

"So just sit there, breathe, they're going to come take care of you.

I promise you will be okay. Dad, I love you very much."

Then I hung up the phone and I was like, "Wow, I fucking nailed that."

Who's the father now, you know?

And then an hour later, I was like, "Where is my Ninja Turtles shirt?

"I can't find my Ninja Turtles shirt.

"It fit me perfectly and it had my favorite Ninja Turtle on it.

"My dad almost died in a car accident and I can't find my Donatello shirt!

Two equally significant tragedies are occurring!"

Turns out, it wasn't about the shirt, you guys.

I was sad for and scared for my dad, and I didn't know how to express that.

So instead, I got angry at a shirt I couldn't find.

And I'm gonna generalize here.

I think that's a problem a lot of us men have.

I think a lot of us men have trouble admitting when we're feeling sad or scared

because we think those emotions are weak.

We think the only manly emotion is anger.

We think anger is strength. But I think the opposite is true.

I think anger can come from weakness, and admitting you're sad when you're sad,

and you're scared when you're scared, that is strength.

That is what it sounds like when just the women are clapping.

Straight dudes, if you look over and your lady's clapping

while looking at you...

...make that appointment.

And it's not really our fault, you know? It's the way we were raised.

It's what we were taught being a man was, you know?

Like all our role models.

Like, there were no Arnold movies in the '80s

where he defeats the bad guy through empathy.

Like in Predator, he's not like, "You may think you're invisible,

but I see you."

And I think a lot of the world is angry right now

'cause we're constantly vacillating between sadness and fear,

and sadness and fear, and we don't want to feel that.

So instead, we get angry at someone who cut us off on the highway,

or a nerd who got buff for a movie.

Two equally relatable examples.

I mean, we're dealing with a lot right now

and we've been through a lot. We've been through a lot!

I mean, we had a pandemic not that long ago.

We couldn't leave the house 'cause there was a new disease.

We had to wait for science to catch up, and we barely talk about it.

None of us have processed it.

I don't even know what processing it would mean,

but it would mean at least talking about it.

We've all decided to ignore it like a fart in an elevator.

Like, what did you guys do in quarantine?

I watched every movie ever made in the 1980s

and washed bananas in the sink.

I washed bananas in the sink!

I washed bananas in the sink!

That's like the one fruit you don't have to wash.

Nature gave it a wrapper.

I would guess I'd washed 200 bananas in the sink in one year.

I'd washed zero bananas in the sink in my life,

200 bananas in the sink in one year,

back to zero bananas being washed in the sink.

Every now and then, I'd go outside to get dessert.

I'd put a mask over my face, I'd get cheesecake.

I'd carry it into my house like I was carrying plutonium.

I'd stick it in the microwave,

I'd nuke it for two minutes, reduce it to sludge,

eat it bubbling hot out of the bowl, like the devil's night cereal.

It was a weird year.

And my lovely wife is in a high-risk group

and I was sad for and scared for her the entire time.

You know what helped me through that?

Therapy. Therapy helped me through that.

It did.

And I understand I have a lot of privilege, I do have a great life.

But now, I-- I'm more in touch with myself.

I feel things more. I still have work to do.

I still have more work to do, but, you know,

I-- I'm more in touch with myself. I-- I cry more now.

Like, I cried twice watching a Godzilla movie.

Godzilla Minus One.

Have you seen it? It's so good.

Cried twice.

And even now-- I watch movies with Emily,

and even now, when I start to get teary-eyed,

my man-ness gets threatened, and I try and hide my tears from Emily,

even though watching me cry brings her so much joy.

I'm married to a psychopath.

Response number five:

"Oh, you think your movie getting bad reviews

is a good reason to get therapy?" Yes.

My movie getting bad reviews is a good reason to get therapy.

You know what else is a good reason to get therapy?

Having to get out of bed in the fucking morning.

It's really hard.

It's really hard for us right now.

We were going through a lot. Climate change.

I mean, my city was on fire for a month because of climate change.

A healthcare system that prioritizes wealth over health.

Uh, whatever the fuck is happening in our politics right now.

People who live right next to us

who occupy completely different versions of reality from us.

It's a lot.

And it's invaluable to have a professional look you in the eye and say,

"You're feeling this way

because shit is fucked up right now."

Yeah.

Because you know what your therapist is doing after talking to you?

They're talking to their therapist.

They're like, "I just told my client shit is fucked up.

It's fucked up, right?" They're like, "Oh yeah,

it's so fucked up right now."

And then, they talk to their therapist, and they talk to their therapist,

all the way to the end of the line where there's one giant uber-therapist

who's taking on everyone's problems and has nobody to talk to.

And they're just wandering into grocery stores

trying to make eye contact with people and saying,

"Tell me I'm going to be okay!"

And you have to look them in the eye

and say, "Shit is fucked up, and you're going to be okay."

Shit is fucked up.

And you're going to be okay.

That's-- that's what I'm saying to you right now.

Shit is fucked up, and you're going to be okay.

Shit is fucked up, and you're going to be okay.

Now, you say it to me.

Shit is fucked up and you're going to be okay.

That feels so good. One more time.

Shit is fucked up and you're going to be okay.

Thank you so much, Chicago, you've been absolutely wonderful.

Thank you.

Encore! Encore!

Encore! Encore! Encore! Encore!

- Encore! Encore! - I don't have an encore bit.

I-- I should just sing the entirety of Hotel California.

No, that's-- nobody wants that.

Okay, this is what I'll do, okay? I'll-- I'll tell you, as my encore,

the first joke I ever did on stage, okay?

But I'm gonna do the whole thing. I'll do the, you know, like, uh...

"Thanks so much. That's my time."

Ever since-- ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to be a scientist.

But I wanna be a really successful one.

Like, I've always wanted to have a unit of measurement named after myself.

'Cause all the cool scientists have them:

Joules. Newton, Mr. Kilometer.

Woo!

He didn't come to America though.

Woo!

So, I want a unit of measurement named after myself.

But I want something cool, you know?

Like, "Turn the torpedoes up to five Nanjianis!"

"Five Nanjianis?

"That's way too much power!

Most people can't handle one Nanjiani."

Thank you.

♪ I push the seats in my car back ♪

♪ Polish girl check that Slovak ♪

♪ You're sweet like baklava ♪

♪ You know I'm hot as Benny Lava ♪

♪ And if them mandem intervene then I'll go get the balaclava ♪

♪ Your mandem can't see me ♪

♪ Side man, man I'm Mario, Luigi ♪

♪ That's you on your fucking green dungarees ♪

♪ Oh, aaja ♪

♪ Oh, aaja ♪