Original subtitles

OMG, I know!

-The best part is coming up. -No! Right, right, right!

I know, right? It's, like, so good.

Uh, no!

-� (MUSIC STOPS) -TRISTAN CAMPBELL: And freeze!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Um, okay.

You do realize you just ran over the Pope just now, right?

-(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE MEMBER 1 COUGHS)

-Ooh, this is the best part. Yes, queen. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

Do you need me to clean out your ears or something?

I said you just ran over the Pope.

-(AUDIENCE MEMBER 2 COUGHS) -The Pope? Never heard of him.

-Selfie. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-(CHAIR SCRAPES) -(GRUNTS)

We're all going to hell

because you just ran over the Pope.

And you wanna take a selfie?

Unless... Oh, God.

No, it can't be.

I'm in the car with Satan.

Looks like I gotta send Satan back to hell in a body bag.

(GUNSHOTS)

TRISTAN: Die, Satan, die!

And freeze.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

(CHUCKLES)

Dye? You want dye?

-(CHUCKLES) You got it, hon. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) So, what color are we thinking today?

We've got Sour Apple Sunrise,

Sassy Salsa Red,

or my personal favorite,

Grape Expectations.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Sassy Salsa Red."

Ugh. Now what did I do with that blow dryer?

I swear, I keep losing that thing.

Here, I brought my own.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Never leave home without it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

� (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

� (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES)

DUNCAN CAMPBELL: Yeah, I'm pretty sure

that's not a thing.

Never leave home without it.

-(PRESTON CAMPBELL LAUGHS) -Hey, so what did you think?

Oh, my God, your entire class had us in stitches.

Amazing job, Tristan.

My face hurts from laughing so much.

Your face hurts from laughing, Duncan?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Or could it be that giant blood-sucking leech

on your face?

Schloop. There you go, Dad.

(LEECH SQUEALS)

You can stand to lose a couple pounds.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Yeah, no, I'm pretty booked up. -Hey, Todd.

Todd, I had a blast out there.

Tristan, you're showing a lot of promise.

But remember, the mind is an altar.

Honor it, but never kneel to it.

Do you understand?

Thanks, Todd. What can I say? I learned from the best.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Well, you're just sweeter

than sweet tea.

(PRESTON, DUNCAN CHUCKLING)

Hey, sweet talk me all you want,

but I'm still not giving you a driver's license.

(PRESTON, DUNCAN LAUGHING)

(GROANS) I'm just dying to be a featured player

in Todd's improv troupe.

How do you guys come up with this stuff so fast?

I know, it's like a magic trick.

Ah, I shall teach you, young grasshoppers.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right, Mr. Miyagi,

I think that performance deserves a round of pizza.

Pizza? Me want sushi!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-(GROANS) -� (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

TRISTAN: Greetings, sir.

Welcome to Tristan's Exotic Petting Zoo.

-(DUNCAN LAUGHS) -PRESTON: "Exotic Petting Zoo"?

-TRISTAN: You can pet a rare... -(DUNCAN GROWLS)

...saber-tooth tiger.

PRESTON: That's not a saber-tooth tiger.

That's a tabby cat.

-(IMITATES CAT MEOWING) -(PRESTON LAUGHS)

And freeze!

Okay, those are good instincts, Preston.

I had something funny planned with the saber-tooth tiger,

-but that's fine. -Oh, my bad.

You didn't know, but maybe instead of saying tabby,

say cocker spaniel.

In improv, you learn words beginning with C

are just funnier sounding.

(CHUCKLES) Cocker.

(CHUCKLES) What if I say cockapoo?

Like a mix between a cocker spaniel and a poodle?

Poodle's a funny word, too!

Just say cocker spaniel, Preston.

I've been taking improv for about a month now.

I think I know what I'm talking about.

(SNIFFS) Okay.

Great, thanks, Preston.

And... unfreeze.

PRESTON: Saber-tooth tiger?

Um, I'm pretty sure that's a cocker spaniel.

(DUNCAN IMITATES DOG BARKING)

-Fido! Sic his nuts! -(BARKING WILDLY)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

-What in the blazes? -What was that?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Looks like our cocker spaniel just went number one

-on Jeanette's table. Bad boy! -(SLAPS DUNCAN)

-(BARKS) -(SIGHS) Do you think you guys

can play your games somewhere else?

And scene.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry, Jeanette. That's on us.

Yeah, Tristan's giving us improv lessons.

I'd be careful, boys.

What, with improv?

I once lost a good friend to improv.

Wayne Brady.

-From Whose Line. -Wait, you know that guy?

He used to be the funniest person I knew.

Okay, that's amazing.

But the power of improv consumed him.

Everything became a bit.

-He couldn't shut it off. -For real?

-� (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) -And if you didn't laugh or play along,

he would lean into the bit harder and harder.

He alienated a lot of people in his life that way.

That must have been exhausting, Jeanette.

Wayne was creating so many funny scenarios in his mind

that he lost all touch with reality.

I think he still lives in L.A. somewhere.

-(BIRDS CHIRPING) -� (MUSIC FADES)

No way.

I'm from L.A., dude.

-(PRESTON CHUCKLES) -I took the 10 to the 105

-to the 99. -Two-sixty-six.

-Nah, dude. I took the 505... -DUNCAN: To the 33.

-...to the 105... -To the 88.

-...to the 605. -(TRISTAN CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHTER ECHOING)

� (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

TRISTAN: "Make sure your contributions

on stage enhance the scene

and avoid causing discomfort for others."

-� (MUSIC FADES) -(YAWNS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

PRESTON: Hey, Robin Williams.

It's family night at Big Tony's Putt-Putt. You in?

(GROANS) I've gotta know Todd's improv manual

backwards and forwards

if I'm ever gonna be a featured player.

-But... -� (PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

...Big Tony's got another thing coming to him, you see.

-(CHUCKLES) -Yeah, yeah.

Big Tony ain't so tall.

-A wise guy, eh? -PRESTON: Yeah, wise guy, eh?

� (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

-Come on, Mr. Campbell. -� (MUSIC FADES)

-(ALLIGATOR PROP ROARS) -Nice comeback.

(CHUCKLES) Thanks, girls.

I got robbed by that windmill back there.

TRISTAN: You think you got robbed?

This fella bit my bloody arms off.

-(ALL LAUGHING) -� (PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Crikey! Just look at the teeth on this beaut.

(PRESTON, DUNCAN LAUGHING)

All right, put me down for three, Duncan.

-Duncan? -� (MUSIC FADES)

Good job wrestling that gator, Tristan.

Bring it in here, fellas.

Here, you got some schmutz on your face.

Oh, yeah, you got some schmutz on your face, too.

Come on, guys. People are waiting.

Sorry about that, mate. (LAUGHS)

� (TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYING)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

En garde, foul beast!

-(GROWLS) -(METAL CLINKING)

And I do mean foul,

'cause you definitely need a breath mint.

-� (MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYING) -Whoo!

Hey, who turned off the lights?

Coming to the rescue, my liege.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-� (MUSIC STOPS) -TRISTAN: Aim for his face.

Oh, wait, that's his butt, actually.

(PRESTON, DUNCAN LAUGHING)

Come on, guys, knock it off.

All right, I think he learned his lesson.

Learned his lesson?

This troll has a brain the size of a cashew, Preston.

-(GROWLING) -(CHUCKLES)

"Size of a cashew." That's good, Tristan.

Yeah, I think it's safe to say

I'll never look at a cashew the same.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

DUNCAN: "Size of a cashew"?

That's a good one, Preston.

� (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

-(SPOOKY NOISES PLAYING) -(THUNDER RUMBLING)

TRISTAN: Okay, that's the last time

I let you guys book the B&B.

-(PRESTON, DUNCAN LAUGHING) -Tristan, move out of the way.

Whoa, my horse is spooked, Dad.

I have no control.

(LAUGHING)

-Fido, go fetch the ball. -(GRUNTS) Do... Do what now?

You're my cocker spaniel, remember?

Bad doggy, bad!

Tristan, what's gotten into you?

(CHUCKLES) What's gotten into me?

I'm not the one with the blood-sucking leech.

-(LEECH SQUEALS) -(LAUGHING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh, yeah, that's one giant leech, Tristan.

Yes, and?

Yes, and...

Check out Dracula.

He's probably thinking,

"Hey, Mr. Leech,

-save some blood for me." -� (PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER)

-Too funny, Preston. -(LAUGHS)

He's like... He's like, "Mm, blood."

-(LAUGHTER) -KATIE: Go, Preston! Go, Preston!

Yeah, it's like Dracula wants to suck all of the blood.

-(THUNDER RUMBLING) -(LAUGHTER)

Guys?

� (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

This isn't funny anymore.

-(EXCLAIMS) -(GROWLS)

(EXCLAIMS)

-(ALL GASP) -Oh, my God.

-Is he okay? -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Tristan, what did you do?

� (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

DAD: What did you do to your brother, Tristan?

Oh, God, no.

-No, no, no. -KATIE: Oh, my God. I think he's dead.

-The police are coming, Tristan. -(SIRENS BLARING)

-KATIE: He's not breathing. -Get out of here. Run.

DAD: Oh, God damn it.

-(SIRENS BLARING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

He's over here.

OFFICER 1: He's gone into the cave.

-OFFICER 2: Surround him. -(PANTS)

OFFICER 3: We just wanna talk.

-(PANTS) -(SIRENS BLARING)

-(GROANS) -� (MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

-(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ENGINE STARTS)

OFFICER 4: Hey, stop! Freeze!

He's getting away!

-(GUNSHOTS) -(WHIMPERS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

-(BELL CHIMING) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(GROWLS)

-(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) -(GROANS)

-(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)

(YELLS)

� (ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

-(GASPS, GRUNTS) -(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(GROANS)

-(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -(GASPS)

(PANTS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(GENTLE CHIME ECHOES)

Mom?

� (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, Tristan.

Todd?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Improv is like styling hair, hon.

You've got your mousse, you've got your gel,

you can chunk it, thin it, bleach, and dye.

The world is your salon, Tristan.

But if you snip here, and you snip there,

and you snip, snip, snip, snip, snip,

why, you're not gonna have much to work with now, will you?

And believe you me,

I know what that's like.

-(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, what do you think of your new do, cutie pie?

(CHAIR CREAKS)

What do I think?

� (MUSIC FADES)

Forget improv,

I'm getting into modeling.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -(CHUCKLES)

Help! Help! Get me out of here! Get me out of here! Help!

Help!

Get me out of here!

Help!

Help!

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