All language subtitles for Crowded S01E12 1080p WEB-DL DD+ 5.1 x264-TrollHD_track3_[eng]

.

[upbeat rock music]

- Well, I'm heading out.

- You know how I feel
about what you're doing.

- Dad, it's not that big a deal.

- The hell it isn't!

- I don't know why
you're being like this.

I give up. I got to go.

- Well, don't tell your mother.
It'll kill her.

- What's going on
with you and Ethan?

- I'll tell you
what's going on.

I don't want to tell you
what's going on.

That's what's going on.

- You're fun to share with.

- Look, I'm gonna pay you
a compliment.

Ethan is really amazing.

Smart, handsome,
a professional golfer.

The whole package.

- Gee, you're making me blush.

- But you, you're steady.

You're like the Best Western
of sons.

Solid, dependable.
You know what you're getting.

- So I'm the son
you settle for

when you're too tired
to find something special.

- See? You get it.

[upbeat music]

*

- Oh, are you girls going out?

- Yeah, my friend's DJing
at this strip club.

- You want to come with us?

I'm bringing
hand sanitizer.

- Oh, I don't know.
Those places are so sad

and exploitive to women
and really something

I think we, as a society,

should try to move away from.

- It's a male strip club.

- Well, that's just fun.
I'm in.

[hip-hop music playing]

- I got some singles.

Here you go, Mom.
- Oh, no.

I'm a married woman.

I'm just here to watch.

- Well, you are in for a treat.

This is a gay club,
and gay clubs

have the hottest
male strippers.

- Although it should be said,

the impossibly high standards
gay men put on each other

lead to chronic insecurities

and body dysmorphia.

- Mm-hmm.

- On the other hand...

damn.

- Ooh, that's my friend Jason.

- All right, buckaroos.

It's time to save a horse
and ride a cowboy.

Make some noise for John Wang.

- I came up
with that horse line.

I mean, I saw it
on a bumper sticker first,

but then I came up with it
again later.

[country-rock music playing]

*

- Oh, my God.

He's really good.

*

I mean, he's really good.

*

This is for you.

Big fan.

- Wow, someone's got a crush.

- Don't be silly.

If anything,
he reminds me of,

you know, that guy
who lives with us.

- Dad?
- Yeah. Him.

When he was...younger.

- Mom, look.

- I couldn't be looking more.

- No, over there.

- Oh, my God. Is that Ethan?

- What's he doing here?

- Well, he's in
a gay strip club

with his arm
around another man,

so he's either gay, or...

Yeah, he's gay.

- Wow.

I always thought
he had a thing for you.

But then again, you're kind of
built like a boy.

- What an inoffensive
observation.

[upbeat music]

*

- Whoa, whoa.

Back up.

What were you doing
in a gay strip club?

- They invited me.

- Yeah, she's our friend.

- Not sure I approve
of your friends.

- Dad, you should have seen Mom.

She was totally vibing
on this one stripper.

- Only because he reminded me
so much of you.

- You said Dad
used to look that way.

- I said...
[chuckles]

He used to dress that way.

- Ass-less chaps?

- We're missing
the main headline here.

Ethan is gay.

- You mean gay, gay?

- You can just say it once.

- Wow, that's a surprise.

That must be why Dad's
so upset with him.

- Grandpa can be
so old-fashioned.

I mean, isn't everyone
kind of gay now?

- Sure, why not?

- This just makes me sad.

Mike, you have
to talk to your dad

and tell him that
rejecting Ethan is wrong

and being gay isn't a choice.

- Well, you're right,
but on the one hand,

he almost paid me
a compliment today,

but, uh, on the other hand,

I don't want him to like me

just because I have sex
with women.

- Women?

- Well...

you, specifically.

And other women, if you run off
with that stripper.

- [sighs]

I think he's a little young.

- Ha, that's what's
holding you back?

Okay.

I will talk to Dad.

And if you'll excuse me,

I am gonna go do
1,000 sit-ups,

which I can totally do.

- If Ethan told Grandpa,

he must have told Grandma too,
right?

- Oh, I'm sure Alice knows.

- I know what?

- Um, about Ethan.

- What about Ethan?

- If you don't know,
we can't tell you.

- If there's something going on
with my son,

I need to know about it.

- Okay, Alice,

we were just at a gay club,

and Ethan was there

with his arm around a man.

- So you're telling me
my son's gay?

Oh, I need a minute.

My son's gay.

Ethan is gay.

I have a gay son.

Okay. I'm fine with it.

- Wow, I've had people
in therapy for years

and they can't do
what you just did.

- Maybe it's you.

Well, I need to talk to Ethan.

Do you think he's still
at the club?

- We could go back and see.

- She just wants to see
her cowboy.

- He's not my cowboy.

He belongs to all of us.

[hip-hop music playing]

[cheers and applause]

Can you believe
this club is only

38 minutes from our place?

Practically around the corner.

We should do more
family stuff here.

- I don't see Ethan.

- Well, we're here.

Might as well enjoy
the rest of the show.

- All right, our next dancer

will turn you on
by any means necessary.

Give a big welcome

to Malcolm Sexx!

[hip-hop music playing]

- I found my cowboy.
Dollars, please.

*

- Mm, mm, mm.
He is fine!

*

- I'm making it rain!

*

.

- Okay.

Ethan should be here any minute.

Are you ready, Alice?

- So my son's not just gay.

He's also a stripper.

- Now, I think
it's important to--

- Just give me a minute.

Okay. I'm fine with it.

- Wow, that was easy.

- A mother's love...

plus four appletinis.

- So Ethan is--

uh...he's--

- Super hot
and incredible at stripping?

I know.

If he weren't gay,
I'd so hit that.

- Stella, he's our uncle.
That's creepy.

Right?

It'd be creepy. Right?

- Would it?

I mean, he's our
stepgrandmother's son.

- That's true.

We're not related
by blood at all.

- Way I see it, he's just
a hot set of walking abs

we have to objectify
because, you know,

feminism?

- Hey, guys.

Mom, here's your ten.

I didn't feel right
keeping it.

- How could you not tell me
you were gay?

- Hold on. I'm not gay.

- Interesting.
- How 'bout that?

- But--but you had your arm

around some blond guy.

- Oh, Dave.

He sprained his ankle.

I was helping him walk.

I'm just dancing here.

- Oh.

- You're okay with this, Mom?

Because Dad is completely pissed
I'm a stripper.

And he didn't want me
to tell you

because he thought
you'd be upset.

You have your church group
and everything.

- Please.

All their kids are disasters.

Margaret's son turned
their Honda Odyssey

into a meth lab.

Totally voided the warranty.

- Well, thanks
for understanding, Mom.

Well, I got to get going.

I have another set.

Wait.

Does anyone else think I'm gay?

- Oh. Mike does.

I better call him

before he talks
to your father.

[phone buzzes]

Voice mail.

- Martina. Voice mail.

I'll listen later.

Look, Dad, I know
why you're mad at Ethan.

- He told you?

- Well, Martina did,

and it was surprising
to me too,

but, you know,

it's not a choice.

- Of course it's a choice.

They're paying him!

- They are?

- He can make $1,000 a night,

depending on how many guys
go in there.

Do you have any idea
what he's doing with those men?

- I have some idea.

I've seen pop-up ads.

- Parading around half-naked.

- I bet he gets fully naked.

- No, no, no.
That's against the rules.

- Rules?

Oh, I'm pretty sure
they're free

to do what they want now.

- Well, I'm guessing
he has some moves.

Of course, I was pretty good
at it in my day.

- What?

- But it was different then.

I was in 'Nam on a gunboat.

No women around.

You do anything
to pass the time.

- Are you telling me

that you were so bored
in Vietnam

that you had sex with men?

- No!

We danced to rock and roll.

What the [bleep]
are you talking about?

- I thought we were talking
about Ethan being gay!

- Ethan's not gay!

He's just dancing for gays.
- Oh!

Ethan's a stripper.

That's why the girls
saw him at that club.

So you're not mad at him
'cause he's gay.

- No!

- You're mad at him
because he's a stripper.

- No! Well, I hate that too.

But what really upsets me

is that he's given up
his dream.

I mean, one little case
of the yips

and he quits golf.

- Well, look, just 'cause
you're mad at him,

don't push him away.

I know what that's like,
and it's not good.

You need to talk to him.

- Well, he's at that club
right now.

- Well, we could go there.

.

[rock music playing]

- Can't say I've ever been
in a place like this before.

- Don't be a pussy.

- Look, going
to a gay strip club

with my son
to see my other son dance

wasn't exactly
on my bucket list.

- I don't see Ethan
or the girls,

so let's just relax
and grab a beer.

- Uh--uh...

Jeez, what do you have to do

to get a drink in this place?

Don't answer that.

- Excuse me.

This is from that gentleman
at the bar.

- I knew something like this
was gonna happen.

See, in the gay community,

I am what's known as a "bear."

So please tell them
I am flattered--

- No, sir.

It's for him.

- You were saying?

- Seriously?

- Ah.

Scotch on the rocks.
Look at that.

The gays have
the same drinks we do.

- How could he pick you
over me?

- Mm. Don't be jealous, Mike.

It's not a good look on you.

- You know what?
I had my back turned to the bar.

I was slouching.

He probably didn't even see me.

- The gentleman
has made his choice.

- Look, I think
it's pretty clear

which one of us should be
getting the free drinks.

- I have another drink.
- Here we go.

- For you again, sir.

- This is ridiculous.
Let's go look for Ethan.

- In a minute.

I want to enjoy
my two free drinks.

- I'll drink one of 'em.

- Uh, Mike, it wouldn't
be fair to my suitors,

plural.

- Hi there.

- Oh, thanks for the drink, uh,

but I'm just here
to watch my boy dance.

- Oh, we're all here
to watch our boys dance.

- You don't understand.
I'm married.

- Me too.

- To a woman.

- Me too.

Sounds like we have
a lot in common.

- Jeez, Ethan.
Put a shirt on.

Nobody needs to see that.

- He's not
the boss of you, Ethan.

- Hi, Mike.
What are you doing here?

- Came here with Dad.
He wants to talk to you.

I, uh, don't know what's
taking him so long, though.

- I mean, basing
home-field advantage

in the World Series
on who wins the All-Star Game?

- I mean,
it's just an exhibition!

- It should be
the regular season record.

- Yeah! You, sir, get me.

This is weird. I got to go.

- Thanks for staying, Mike.

You know how hard it is
to talk to Dad.

I could use all the support
I can get.

- Let me give you some advice.

Just keep telling yourself,

"He's not a young man;
don't punch him."

Because...

you're gonna want to.

- Oh, there you are.

- Hi, Dad.
- [sighs] Look.

I'm here to talk

and to listen.

And I want you to know,
no matter what you say,

I will never accept this.

- What is wrong with you?

- What is wrong with you?

First of all,
I can't believe

you're okay
with your son stripping.

Whenever I do anything sketchy,
you ask,

"What would Jesus
say about that?"

Well, what would Jesus
say about this?

- I'm sure Jesus
would be very impressed

with Ethan's moves.

- If Jesus came back,
do you really think

it would be
to a gay strip club?

- How am I gonna tell people
that my son is a stripper?

- I'm a dancer.

And this is a way to practice
and pay the bills

until I get a better gig.

I've been auditioning.

I've got an agent.

I've sent out tapes.

- But how can you
give up our dream

of you being a golfer?

- I'm not giving it up.

I can't do it anymore.
I tried.

- You didn't try hard enough.

- Hey, give Ethan a chance.

- Mike, I'm talking to my son.

- You're also talking
to my brother.

Look, you're the one
who always said

success is
how you handle failure.

He had a failure.
He's handling it.

He's moving on.

You should be proud of him.

- Thank you, Mike.

Dad,

before you came
into my life,

dancing was my dream.

But then you took me golfing,
and I was good at it.

- You were great at it.

- And I loved it.

But that's gone now.

Dancing isn't golfing.

But it's a legitimate career

and an honorable dream.

- Yo, Malcolm Sexx,
you're on.

And be careful out there.
The pole's pretty lube-y.

- I'm leaving.

- Don't go.

Just watch me dance,
and you'll see.

I'm really good.

- I don't need
to see that, Ethan.

I thought we wanted
the same thing.

But I guess I was wrong.

- Dude, never fall in love
with a stripper.

All right, all right,
all right.

Coming up next, once again,

Malcolm Sexx!

And side note, the club owners
would like me to remind everyone

that that nickname
is not meant in any way

to trivialize the heroes
of the civil rights movement.

Now get those dollars out!

[Ginuwine's "Pony" playing]

[sultry music]

*

- * If you're horny

* Let's do it

* Ride it, my pony

* My saddle's waiting

- Wow, I had no idea.

- He's amazing.

- * If you're horny,
let's do it *

* Ride it, my pony

- Still not creepy, right?

- He's just dancing, Shea.

- But is it creepy
I like it so much?

- It's creepy
that you're talking to me

while I'm having
dirty thoughts about him.

*

- * Peepin' your steelo

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, what's your problem?

.

- Oh! Baby, you were so good!

- Aw, thank you, Mom.

Dad.

You stayed?

- I did.

And I'm glad I did.

You are really good.

And if dancing
is what makes you happy,

then that's what you should do.

You're a dancer,
and a dancer dances.

Some guy was singing that
in the john,

and it stuck in my head.

- That calls
for a round of drinks.

- Uh, don't worry
about me, Mike.

I get my drinks for free.

- Let me buy.

I've got a lot of singles
to get rid of.

- One of us could go help him.

- Normally, I'd steal him
for myself,

but you're my sister.

So go hit on our hot uncle
and become our aunt.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

I'm pretty sure he's into you.

Plus, I just made out with one
of the strippers backstage,

so...already checked that box.

- Hey, Ethan.

- Hey, Shea.

- So...

- So...

- So there's something
I kind of want to tell you,

but I don't want it
to be awkward.

- Well, maybe it's
the same thing

I've been wanting
to tell you

but I was afraid
it was awkward.

- Okay. Here it goes.

[cell phone rings]

- Sorry.

I have to take this.
It's my agent.

Hello?

Seriously?

Of course I'll be there!

Thank you.

- What was that?

- They liked my tape.

I'm gonna be dancing
in "Aladdin" on Broadway.

- [gasps]

You'll be great in that.

No shirts.

- Broadway. Dream come true.

But...

I have to move to New York.

- That's far away.

- About what we were gonna
say to each other...

- Maybe one day.

Come on.
Let's tell everybody.

- I just got a call
from my agent.

I'm gonna be dancing
on Broadway!

[all gasp]
- Really? Broadway?

Well, that's something
I can brag about!

- I think we may be
in the perfect place for it.

- Hey, everybody!

My son is gonna dance
on Broadway!

[cheers and applause]

And before that,
he was a professional golfer!

And now he's gonna dance
on Broadway!

[cheers and applause]

- Are you okay, Mom?

- My son is moving
across the country.

Ah, I'm gonna need
more than a minute.

- Mom, we'll talk every day.

- From the gentleman
over there.

- Oh, my.
[chuckles]

Oh, well, I'm just gonna

have to tell him
I'm married.

- Actually, it's for him.

- Yes! Finally!

- Lucky you.

You should see him dance.

- You know,
I'm a little tired

of hearing about this cowboy.

I've got some pretty sweet

a-moves myself.

- I know you do, honey.

- That's it. DJ! Hit it!

[Ginuwine's "Pony" playing]

*

[laughter]

[cheers]

*