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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:01,235
.
2
00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:02,503
[rock music]
3
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:07,308
- Have you ever noticed there
are no female cereal mascots?
4
00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:12,080
- How does eating cereal
become a feminist issue?
5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,682
There's Tony the Tiger;
Toucan Sam;
6
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,618
Snap, Crackle, and Pop;
Captain Crunch.
7
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,920
- What about Fruity Pebbles?
Pebbles is a girl.
8
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,956
- Nice try, but Fred and Barney
are on the box.
9
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,061
- What do you want from me?
10
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:31,332
Dad, what are you doing here?
11
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:32,933
- That's a greeting?
12
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,868
No "hello, Dad,
nice to see you"?
13
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,170
- Hello, Dad, nice--
14
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,005
- Now it's too late.
15
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,442
We've got a
hankering for lemonade.
16
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,611
You've always got this
weird bowl full of lemons
17
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:46,580
just sitting here
doing jack squat.
18
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,249
- You never use them.
19
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:49,383
- Not once have we tasted
20
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:53,187
a dish in this house
that had a lemon flavor.
21
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,622
- Just take 'em.
22
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:55,956
[phone dings]
23
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,825
- Oh, my God, I just got
a job interview
24
00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,059
at the Weisman Space Center!
25
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,161
- Fantastic.
26
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,629
- Oh, congratulations,
sweetheart.
27
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:05,333
I'll be honest; I never got this
ladies-in-space stuff
28
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:09,637
until I saw Sandy Bullock
in that "Gravity."
29
00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:12,340
But I think she
handled herself real well.
30
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,510
- I've always wanted to work
at the Weisman.
31
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,379
I'm so excited!
32
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,281
Oh, no.
33
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,616
I can already feel the sleep
I'm not gonna get tonight.
34
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:24,252
I should have slept
more last night;
35
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:27,054
but if I'd known,
I wouldn't have slept at all.
36
00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:29,257
What if I screw it up?
Then I'll never sleep.
37
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,459
- Knowing you, you'll get
the job, you're gonna do great,
38
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,461
and you're gonna
win a Nobel Prize.
39
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:36,164
- I do have my speech ready.
40
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:38,266
But what if it sounds
over-rehearsed?
41
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,667
What if it's too long?
42
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:40,768
What if they play me off
43
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,304
with that weird
Norwegian award music?
44
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:46,840
- The point is, we're
taking the lemons.
45
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,742
Come on, Alice.
Let's go.
46
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:53,181
- So, viewers,
this is my kitchen.
47
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:54,982
There's my nerdy sister.
48
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:56,984
There's my giant dad.
49
00:01:56,984 --> 00:02:00,754
Wave to the camera, Dad.
- No.
50
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:03,391
- Classic Dad.
51
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,492
- Tell me what's happening.
52
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,059
- Stella's got
a YouTube channel.
53
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:08,462
- I'm giving Mom an on-camera
makeover for your date tonight.
54
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:11,199
My fans are very excited.
55
00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:12,500
I took this from Sephora.
56
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:16,604
You can also buy it,
but that's more expensive.
57
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:20,841
- Oop!
Purse spill, BRB.
58
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,710
- What's with all the pills?
59
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,011
- Just the usual.
60
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,113
Birth control.
61
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:29,717
Plan B in case I forget
to take my birth control.
62
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,285
Oh, and my actress pills.
63
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,221
I have an antianxiety
prescription to help me
64
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,288
with auditions.
65
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:36,224
- Now you have
an anxiety problem?
66
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:39,893
- Not after a glass of pinot
and two of these bad boys.
67
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:40,928
- What is this one?
68
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,463
- It's Viagra.
69
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:45,499
Way to act like
you didn't know, Dad.
70
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,401
- You dating some super-old guy?
71
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:52,306
And if you are, can he marry you
and pay your bills?
72
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:55,108
- Lots of young guys
take Viagra as a party drug.
73
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,245
They say it's even more fun
when you don't need it.
74
00:02:57,245 --> 00:03:00,881
Anyway, it's not mine;
I'm holding it for a friend.
75
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:05,686
Whoa, that's the first time
I've said that and it was true.
76
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,591
- Oh, she missed one.
77
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,560
It's an antianxiety pill.
78
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,628
You know, I do have
that job interview.
79
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,597
Maybe I should take it
to smooth out my edges.
80
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:20,268
- I don't think taking
floor pills is the answer.
81
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,935
Look, your mother
is a therapist.
82
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,604
Why don't you go talk to her?
83
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:26,674
- I'll do that, and
I'll give this back to Stella.
84
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,311
On the one hand,
I should be able
85
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,546
to deal with my stress
without taking this pill.
86
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,182
On the other hand,
87
00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:37,017
I just took it.
88
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:39,019
- Uh--[sighs].
89
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,934
[rock music]
90
00:03:53,934 --> 00:04:01,141
*
91
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,113
- Oh, hey, sweetie!
92
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:07,748
Come look at my makeover.
93
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,150
- Aw, Mom.
94
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:13,787
You're such a pretty mom.
95
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:17,658
So, so pretty.
96
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:20,828
Pretty, pretty Mom.
97
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:23,397
- Wow, thank you, honey.
98
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:26,567
Dad tells me you're nervous
about your job interview.
99
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:30,338
Just remember, keep your
shoulders loose; don't turtle.
100
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:33,541
- Aww, turtles.
101
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,343
- And don't forget
I'm a resource.
102
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,645
Helping anxious people is
exactly the kind of thing
103
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,580
I went to school for, so people
should take advantage of--
104
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,549
- Okay, bye-bye.
105
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,152
- Look at you.
Stella did a great job.
106
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,420
- I know!
107
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:51,792
Some YouTube commenter
named ILoveMILFs made a comment
108
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,527
so filthy,
it was in violation
109
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:55,363
of their Terms of Service
policy.
110
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:56,830
Isn't that sweet?
111
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,231
- Congratulations.
112
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:01,535
On a related topic,
a recreational party enhancer
113
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,237
happens to have
fallen into my hands.
114
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,239
- What did Stella give you?
115
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:08,709
- She didn't give it to me.
She dropped it and I found it.
116
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,844
But turns out it's not
117
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:14,548
just for old couples in
side-by-side outdoor bathtubs.
118
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:17,418
- But, honey, you don't need it.
119
00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:20,388
- I know, but what if
it makes me 22 again?
120
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:21,955
- Mm, to be honest,
121
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:27,861
I remember 22-year-old Mike
as energetic but unschooled.
122
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,565
- Because he didn't have the
knowledge and technique
123
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:32,700
of modern-day Mike.
124
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,134
Think about it.
125
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:37,505
Experienced, thoughtful Mike
up here,
126
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:40,408
22-year-old Mike
down below.
127
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,714
Like some kind of
mythological beast.
128
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,951
- I'm rethinking my opposition.
129
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,786
- Good, because
I already took it.
130
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:53,987
[exhales]
131
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,123
Wow.
132
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,258
- Wow.
133
00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:02,663
- The beast is no longer
mythological.
134
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:06,600
.
135
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:08,168
*
136
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:13,106
- So why did you insist
we go up in your chopper?
137
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,808
What's the big mystery?
138
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:18,145
- Well, I want to talk about
something--something that
139
00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:20,814
I'm not comfortable
talking about on Earth.
140
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,052
Plus, this way,
if it gets really awkward,
141
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:28,522
I can crash into some rocks
and kill us both.
142
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,223
- So what is it?
143
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,760
- It's just--uh--
144
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,595
have you ever had to
ask your doctor
145
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,465
if you were healthy enough
for sex?
146
00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:39,366
- What the hell kind of
relationship do you think
147
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:42,870
I have with my doctor?
148
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,004
- Have you ever needed to
149
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:46,840
chemically assist your
intimate performance?
150
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,275
- Just come right out with it
151
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,310
or crash us into those rocks
down there.
152
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:54,181
Your call.
I'm good either way.
153
00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,949
- Do you use Viagra?
154
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,485
- No, I don't.
155
00:06:57,485 --> 00:07:00,220
Nice talk.
Take us down.
156
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,689
- I tried one just for fun.
157
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:04,224
I was hoping I could borrow a
couple from you, but never mind.
158
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,860
- So was it fun?
159
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,229
- Yeah, it was like
I was 22 again.
160
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:10,498
- Hmm.
161
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:14,201
Okay, son, I think I know
what you need to do.
162
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:15,402
- Oh, yeah, what is that, Dad?
163
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,605
- Get me some.
164
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:20,541
I'd like to be 22 again.
165
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:24,411
Big Swinging Bob was something
to be reckoned with.
166
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:29,082
*
167
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,384
- Wow, so he doesn't
need anything.
168
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:35,589
At his age, impressive.
169
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:41,428
- Please, stop being impressed
by my father's sexual prowess.
170
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:45,298
- Honey, don't be so sensitive.
We took it once for fun.
171
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,399
You don't need it either.
172
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:48,602
- Of course not,
but it was fun, though.
173
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:50,437
It made me feel young again.
174
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:54,808
- Made me feel young again too.
175
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:57,778
- Maybe we should do it
just one more time,
176
00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,112
relive our youth.
177
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,881
- But you'd have to
get a prescription.
178
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:04,351
- Not really.
Stella's room is like a CVS.
179
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,856
- Mike, we shouldn't
invade her privacy like that.
180
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:11,759
- Well, she invaded our privacy
first by moving back in.
181
00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:14,027
We're actually doing a service
for the community.
182
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,830
We're taking drugs
off the street.
183
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,932
- And putting them in your body.
184
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:21,735
- It's recycling.
We're going green.
185
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:24,071
*
186
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,409
- [gasps]
Oh, my God!
187
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,111
Grandma's ring.
188
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,581
- Didn't we tell the insurance
company that was stolen?
189
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:37,618
- Well, it technically was...
by Stella.
190
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,920
- Ah, jackpot.
191
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,156
I knew having kids
would pay off one day.
192
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:46,760
- What are you guys doing here?
193
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,830
- Um...
194
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:51,464
So this is the
load-bearing wall.
195
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,867
- Oh!
196
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,236
What are you doing here,
Shea?
197
00:08:56,236 --> 00:09:00,608
- I was just looking for
one of, uh, Stella's, uh,
198
00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:02,275
antianxiety pills!
199
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:03,977
Yeah, that's it!
200
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,982
Wait, that is it.
201
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,424
- Well, well, well,
what do we have here?
202
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:20,227
Open the hands.
203
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,029
My anxiety pills.
204
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:26,099
Let's see it, big guy.
205
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,768
Viagra.
206
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,905
Grandma's ring.
207
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:35,242
I mean, oh, my God,
you found Grandma's ring!
208
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,344
Score!
209
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:41,181
- Stella, I just needed the
pills for this job interview
210
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,683
I have coming up.
211
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,352
There's no way they're gonna
hire anxious, stressed-out Shea.
212
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,187
But mellow Shea has a shot.
213
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,521
- Look, honey,
you're an adult.
214
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,390
If you want to take
those pills, you can,
215
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:53,026
but it's safer to get
a prescription for them.
216
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,395
- Wouldn't it be safer for
you guys to get a prescription?
217
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,297
- She's got us beat.
Let's make a break for it.
218
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,999
- Listen...
219
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,535
You didn't have to
steal the pills.
220
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:05,773
You could have
bought them from me.
221
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:08,141
- Look, young lady, we need to
have a talk about drugs--
222
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,978
maybe another time, when we're
not stealing them from you,
223
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:15,949
but it's coming.
224
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,584
- Hey, we're family.
225
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:19,519
First taste is free.
226
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,557
Don't be ashamed, Dad.
227
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,126
A lot of older guys need it.
228
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,695
- I don't need it.
229
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:31,031
Like you said, it's a party drug
that a lot of young people use.
230
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,334
Also, I need one for Grandpa.
231
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,170
*
232
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,576
Well, that was the last pill.
233
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,713
- The last pill.
234
00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:48,849
- Say good-bye to the beast.
235
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,284
You're okay with that?
236
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,420
- Yeah, of course.
237
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,989
I mean, things were fine,
238
00:10:55,989 --> 00:11:00,227
and then we had, you know,
the pill experience,
239
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:04,097
and now we go back
to things being fine.
240
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,398
You know what it is, Mike?
241
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:06,466
It's like that time
242
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:09,369
we got bumped up
from coach to first class.
243
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:13,774
- That was awesome.
They greeted us with champagne.
244
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:17,610
- Yeah, how about that
chilled lobster appetizer?
245
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,546
- Oh, it was better than
the food at our wedding.
246
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,281
- Yeah.
247
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,786
- What was our point, again?
248
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:28,421
Oh, yeah,
we're going back to coach.
249
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:34,127
- But in coach, you still
get to where you want to go.
250
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:36,596
And isn't getting
there together,
251
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:40,934
or within a minute or two
of each other,
252
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:44,337
the whole point of flying
in the first place?
253
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,140
- Exactly.
We're gonna be great.
254
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:02,923
.
255
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:05,125
*
256
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:10,230
- So you're saying
Mike took Viagra,
257
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,632
you loved it,
but now you're worried.
258
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:14,034
- Yes.
259
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:18,005
- Well, Bob took Viagra,
I loved it,
260
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:20,607
and I ain't complaining
about [bleep].
261
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,716
- I'm just a little nervous
262
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:32,252
about how things are gonna go
the next time we're together.
263
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:36,023
It's like if we hadn't
taken the pill,
264
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:38,725
we wouldn't know
what we've been missing.
265
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:44,731
So now I wish I could unknow
what I know, you know?
266
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:49,036
- I'm right there with you.
- Shea!
267
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,603
How long have you been there?
268
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,840
- Too long, really.
269
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,609
I couldn't find
a good entry into the
270
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,512
"my dad and grandpa are
taking Viagra so they can
271
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:03,516
give it to my mom and grandma
real good" conversation.
272
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:09,356
Talk about wanting to
unknow what you know.
273
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,592
- Honey, what's going on?
274
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,294
- I'm also conflicted about
the morals of
275
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,296
pharmaceutical enhancement.
276
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,731
I have a pill that might
help me get a job,
277
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,567
but if I get that job,
did I get it,
278
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:23,170
or did some chemically aided
version of me get it?
279
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:25,572
And how can I feel good
about that?
280
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,274
That's not a rhetorical
question; tell me
281
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:30,177
how I can feel good about it,
because I really want that job.
282
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,545
- You guys, crisis.
283
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,581
I promised myself I wouldn't
read the comments
284
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,216
on my YouTube channel,
and then I did,
285
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,585
and now I just wish I hadn't.
286
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:39,752
I know haters gonna hate,
287
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:44,124
and I know I'm supposed
to shake it off.
288
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:45,492
But how? How?
289
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,494
She doesn't tell you how!
290
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:52,065
- Okay, that's it!
291
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:56,503
You, either like the sex
you have or get the pills.
292
00:13:56,503 --> 00:14:00,073
You, either trust that
they'll like the person you are
293
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:02,542
or take the pills.
294
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:06,813
And you, I can't believe
you're the one
295
00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:08,982
whose problem isn't pills.
296
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:13,253
[rock music]
297
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:16,056
- I'm beginning to like
this new system.
298
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,291
I feel like I can
say anything up here.
299
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:23,230
Like, damn it, I'm gonna miss
"Downton Abbey."
300
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,365
- Even that stuff
with Mr. Bates?
301
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:29,136
- I didn't say
it was a perfect show, Mike!
302
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:31,939
Anyway, I want to thank you
for giving me that pill.
303
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,707
The thing is,
I--I'd like some more.
304
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,576
- Sorry, but my source dried up.
305
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:39,512
- You don't understand, Mike.
I can't go back.
306
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:40,948
Alice is a new woman.
307
00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:43,616
This morning,
she made me real bacon.
308
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:47,120
Real bacon, Mike,
not that turkey [bleep].
309
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,089
- I'd love to help you, Dad--
- I need it, Mike!
310
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:52,459
I need it bad!
I'm chasing the dragon here!
311
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,127
- Settle down, Dad!
312
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:57,230
Neither of us was using before,
and things were good.
313
00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,200
- You're not nervous about
going into battle unarmed?
314
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,401
Because I am!
315
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,270
I don't want Alice
to give me that
316
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:07,040
"don't worry,
it's fine" speech.
317
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,808
- I hate the "don't worry,
it's fine" speech.
318
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:12,179
I was there.
I know things weren't fine.
319
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:15,582
Look, the bottom line is,
I don't have any more pills.
320
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,717
You got to get a prescription
from your doctor.
321
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:18,986
- My doctor?
322
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:23,023
I'm not telling that
handsy bastard about this.
323
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:25,792
- Well, that's your only option.
They're about $10 a pill.
324
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,360
- $10?
325
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,330
I haven't paid that much
for sex since Saigon.
326
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,602
And I had to talk her down.
327
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,204
What?
328
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:41,741
You always ask me to talk about
the war; I'm talking about it.
329
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:46,279
*
330
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:55,422
- Look, Mike--
- I don't need a recap.
331
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:58,658
I know that was coach sex.
332
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,627
- Don't worry. It's fine.
333
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:01,694
- [moans]
334
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,830
- Oh, come--we're just--
335
00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:08,101
We're just putting too much
pressure on ourselves.
336
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,536
We just have to
get out of our heads.
337
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:10,670
Let's watch some TV.
338
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:13,340
- Mets are playing.
339
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:17,544
- And it's a swing and a miss
for Johnson.
340
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,812
Oh, what a letdown.
341
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:23,716
Usually, he's one of
the team's big bats.
342
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:28,188
He cannot feel good about
tonight's performance.
343
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,224
- Too soon.
344
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:36,229
.
345
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:38,231
*
346
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,402
- Well, so it's come to this:
I'm in the parking garage
347
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:46,573
of a doctor's office, waiting to
get a prescription for Viagra.
348
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,442
I mean, what's next?
Hearing aids?
349
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:53,080
That little chair that
rides up and down the stairs?
350
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,083
- Ooh, I've always wanted
one of those.
351
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:59,252
- They do look like fun, huh?
352
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,754
You know, from now on when they
ask what prescriptions I take,
353
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,656
I'm gonna have to list this.
354
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:05,325
I'm gonna have to put it
on forms, Martina.
355
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:06,659
Forms!
356
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:11,831
- Okay, let's try to chill out.
Take some deep breaths.
357
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,133
Listen to some music.
358
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,268
Um, I'll put on a relaxation CD.
359
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,104
- Not that whale songs one.
360
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:18,371
It makes me sad.
361
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,473
They all sound like
they need my help.
362
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:24,577
- Vodka?
What's vodka doing in the car?
363
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,247
both: Stella.
364
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:30,183
- We did something right
with that one.
365
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,751
- I wouldn't mind a shot.
366
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:32,752
- Me neither.
367
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:33,753
We take her pills;
368
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,255
we might as well
drink her booze.
369
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:38,425
- I seem to recall
370
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:43,296
Stella was conceived in a car
not unlike this one.
371
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:49,769
I kept honking the horn
by accident with my back.
372
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,138
- That was an accident?
373
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:53,506
I thought you were
saying, "Good job."
374
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,743
- Remember that?
375
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,546
Having sex in cars?
376
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:05,852
It was all so new
and exciting and crazy.
377
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,354
Long time ago.
378
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,689
- Doesn't feel that long ago.
379
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:12,559
You are just as beautiful
as the day I met you.
380
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,929
More beautiful, I would say.
381
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:22,935
- And you, still so
strong and handsome.
382
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:26,939
Look at these things.
They're like granite.
383
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,008
- Keep talking.
384
00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:30,777
- Or...
385
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,646
maybe we should stop talking.
386
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:36,349
*
387
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:39,719
Hey, here's an idea.
388
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:42,355
- Well, I loved your last one.
I'm all ears.
389
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,992
- Let's get out of here.
390
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:49,696
We don't need those pills.
We got a backseat.
391
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:51,564
- You know what?
You're right.
392
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,500
This will be my new pickup line.
393
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:54,501
[car beeps]
394
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,503
- [laughs]
395
00:18:56,503 --> 00:19:00,607
*
396
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:04,411
- Look, Dad, Mom's makeover
video already has 80,000 views.
397
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,045
- And you can
make money off that?
398
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:09,081
- Even better, I get exposure.
399
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:11,083
- And how does that lead
to your own apartment?
400
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,221
- [laughs]
Dad, you're so funny.
401
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,225
- Could not have been
more serious.
402
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,429
- All right, I have got
champagne and tissues for Shea.
403
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:23,996
Champagne if she got the job.
404
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:26,233
Tissues and champagne
if she didn't.
405
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:30,036
- Hey, did you get the job?
406
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,672
- I did.
407
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,040
- Hey!
- Yay!
408
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,107
- But then I lost it.
409
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,943
- Oh.
- Aww.
410
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,545
What happened, honey?
411
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,146
- Thanks to the
antianxiety pills,
412
00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:43,583
I was relaxed, calm, confident,
but then they told me
413
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,253
all new employees are
required to take a drug test,
414
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:48,054
at which point
I ran out of the room abruptly
415
00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:50,257
and came right home.
416
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:55,562
-I don't think they test for
antianxiety medication.
417
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:56,963
- I know that now.
418
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,898
But I don't think they're going
to hire the person
419
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,066
who squealed and ran away
420
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:02,201
when she heard
the words "drug test."
421
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,539
Did I not mention I squealed?
422
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:12,111
- Rookie mistake.
You always bring clean pee.
423
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:15,682
And I could have
gotten you some.
424
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,518
Oh, wait, I get mine from you.
425
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:22,255
- How did I not know that?
426
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:24,223
- How do I unknow that?
427
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,193
- Mike!
428
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:30,963
We need to talk.
429
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:33,032
*
430
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:36,135
- Okay, we've reached
speaking altitude.
431
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:38,170
- I wanted you to know
I caved in
432
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,407
and got a prescription--
433
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:45,044
not from my doctor
but from some queer downtown.
434
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:47,780
- Dad, I don't know if we're
at homophobic altitude.
435
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,450
- What?
That's how he identifies.
436
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,752
He thought "bisexual"
was constrictive.
437
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,488
I'm trying to be
respectful here.
438
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:58,190
Look, if you need a pill,
I'll give you one.
439
00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:00,427
- Well, thanks, but
I'm off them; I'm clean.
440
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:01,894
What changed your mind?
441
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,896
- Well, I figure I'll take one
every now and again
442
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:06,533
when I want real bacon
in the morning.
443
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:11,338
Let's face it;
I take pills for my heart,
444
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:15,007
and I like my johnson
a lot more than my ticker.
445
00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:17,977
- Better land this thing safely.
446
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:21,448
I do not want those to be the
last words you ever say to me.
32307
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