All language subtitles for Crowded S01E01 1080p WEB-DL DD+ 5.1 x264-TrollHD_track3_[eng]

.

- From the moment
your kids are born,

you dread the fact that
one day they'll leave you.

And then they do,

and it's just as bad
as you thought it'd be.

I just want you to remember
that you're special,

and you'll always be
my little girl.

- Two forms
of birth control.

And men are like
basketball players--

they dribble
before they shoot.

- Martina!

- It's reality, Mike.

- Bye, guys.

- Bye.
- I'll miss you.

- I'll miss you too.

- Bye, Dad.
- Love you, kid.

- Love you.

- Well, at least now
we know what it's like.

The next one will be easier.

[crying]

Oh, my sweet baby.

[sobbing]

[sobbing louder]

- What are you looking at?

It's just us now!

We're alone!

- [crying]

Wow.

The empty nest.

- We're gonna die
in this house.

- I need alcohol.

But it's only 10:00 a.m.

- Well, on the other hand,

we don't have to
drive anybody anywhere.

- Or cook anyone dinner,

or set a good
freakin' example.

Hey, we don't have to
say "freakin'" anymore!

- We can swear when we want,
drink when we want,

have sex when we want,

and have sex when we want.

There's a reason
I said that twice.

- This could be good.

- This could be really good.

- * It might seem crazy
what I'm bout to say *

* Sunshine, she's here,
you can take a break *

- Finally getting rid
of the play room.

- Turn it into
a media room.

Big-ass plasma.

I'm gonna have an
old timey popcorn machine,

one of those big chairs
with the cup holders.

I'll be just like
a Hollywood douchebag.

- [sniffing]

[gasps]

Look what I found.

- That's pot.

Our kids were doing drugs?

- Mike!
Martina!

- It's your parents!

Hide the pot!

Wow, I just felt so young.

- Bob?
- What?

- They're in the playroom!
- What?

- The playroom!

They're fine.

- Alice, again,
the key that we made

for you and Dad
was for emergencies.

- We knocked on the door,
and you didn't answer.

It could have been an emergency.

- Why didn't you
just ring the bell?

- Ring the bell?

Child please,
we're family.

Family doesn't ring the bell.

- Oh, hey, Pop.

- Oh, good, you're finally
cleaning this room.

You didn't have all these toys
when you were a kid.

- I know.

- You spoiled those girls.

You know,
when Mike was young,

I taught him how to do
military sheet corners.

He couldn't go out to play
until I could bounce a coin

off his tightly made bed.

- I still get a little tense
when I see a quarter.

- We tried to help
with Stella and Shea.

- Yes, you were
here all the time.

- Well, we're headed
to the store.

We'll bring you back
some doughnuts.

- Alice,
we don't eat doughnuts.

And you know I'm gluten free.

- Oh, that nonsense.

That's why you're so skinny.

- I don't think I'm too skinny.

- You can't see
your own skinny.

It's like smelling
your own breath.

You need someone else
to tell you that it's bad.

Mike, I'll pick you up
some breath mints.

- When are you gonna
stand up to them?

- Well, I've always said "soon,"

but now that they're moving,
I can give the truthful answer:

never.

So what are we
gonna do with this?

[Tommy James & the Shondells'
"Crimson and Clover"]

- * Now I don't hardly
know her *

*

What if "Horton Hears a Who!"
is real?

- Deep.

- You know what's great about
smoking pot when you're older?

You don't get paranoid.

- [chuckles]

[rustling at door]

- It's the cops!

- [screams]

[door unlocking]

- Oh, thank God you're home.

- Stella?
- Brace yourselves.

I left Justin.

We had this big fight,
and he's dead to me.

- Is he dead to everyone?

Did you kill him?

- Answer your father.

- What is wrong with you guys?

- Nothing.

I could really use a pizza,

but go on.

- Okay.

Well, I'm here because I'm not
getting any acting jobs,

and my YouTube videos
don't get enough hits.

Being an adult is hard.

Plus, I miss you guys,
so I was wondering--

- Hello, all.

Forgive the surprise.

- Shea, what are you doing here?

- I'm moving back home.
- What?

- But I told you I was coming
here today to move back home.

- What?

- Yes, but I reasoned that
the cumulative impact on them

would be reduced
if it were simultaneous

rather than staggered.

- Ew, Shea, you don't just
break into someone's scene.

- We're not in a movie, Stella.

This is the real world.

A world where, thanks to this
country's hatred of science,

the funding for my job
has been eliminated.

So like 23.8% of people
between the ages of 22 and 31,

I've determined the most
logical course of action

in this economy is to
move back in with my parents.

And because of the broad number
of young people doing this,

there's no longer
the social stigma attached.

- Is she done?

I can never tell
when she's done.

- I'm the one who should
move back in.

Mom and Dad are like
my best friends.

- They're my only friends.

- Girls, girls, don't fight.

You're equally
disappointing both of us.

[knocking at door]

- Hello?

We hear voices in there!

- Oh, boy.

- It's Grandma!

- Oh!

Are you girls here for
our anniversary dinner?

- Oh, no, I'm moving
back home today.

- So am I.

- Well, we certainly can't
move to Florida now.

- It looks like
you need us again.

- Who wants doughnuts?

- I do!
- Me.

- They're back.

They're all back!

It's a nightmare.

- It's a [bleep] disaster!

Oh, God, we can't
say [bleep] anymore.

Where are you going?

- There's doughnuts.

[upbeat music]

.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, you got a passenger.

Real slacker type.

- Sounds like my
daughter's boyfriend.

It is my daughter's boyfriend.

[knock at door]

Ugh, that knock.

Come in, Justin.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Here's how you knock.

[knocking]

It's not...

[single knock]

- Well, why?

- Because we as a society
have decided

that's how you knock.

What are you doing here?

- I miss Stella.

I was hoping you'd
help me get her back.

- Look, Justin,
no man thinks any guy

is good enough
for his little girl,

and then I met you and--

please don't take this
the wrong way--

but I thought,
"He's not even close."

I mean, do you
even have a job?

- I have something
better than a job:

an idea for an app.

- Everyone with the apps.

- Yeah, it's awesome.

But figuring out how to
actually make it is super hard.

- Look, that's the problem
with people your age.

Once it gets hard, you quit.

You got to stick with things.

- I like that.

Could you text that to me?

- Get out.

- What happens if
I push this button?

- That'll get you
out even faster.

Push it.

*

[sighs]

What a mess.

- Ugh.

We spent so much time
teaching the girls

how special they are.

Why didn't we teach them
how to shut a cabinet door?

- Why do we buy
free range chicken?

I mean,
how free are they really?

It's not like they're
letting them walk into town.

Speaking of freeing things...

- Mike, stop it.

We are not asking
the girls to leave.

They're hurting right now,
and they need us.

- Okay.

Hey, it's quiet.

- [sighs]

Maybe we can have
the place to ourselves.

- Mom?

Mom?

Tell Shea she's never gonna
get a date with Carter

if she texts
like a dorky virgin.

- Let me see what
you wrote, honey.

"I'm interested in dating you.

Do you share similar feelings?"

Ooh, that's bad.

- I know.

But Stella wants me
to text "Hang sometime?"

I can't send that.

It's a meaningless statement.

- Shea, you have to
put yourself out there,

be sexy,

and stop dressing like Daria.

- I've put myself
out there with Carter.

Last week, he was
making an AU calculation

that would have been off
by thousands of parsecs,

and I thoughtfully
pointed out his mistake.

That's love.

- Is she done?

I can never tell
when she's done.

- You never correct
a man you like.

- Really?

- Look, men are like balloons.

They don't want
anyone to pop them

and show that
it's all just air inside.

All you got to do
is fill that balloon

with what they want to hear.

- It's like how for Dad,

you act all excited
about the Mets.

- Hey, I never pushed Shea
to be a Mets fan.

- You named me
after their stadium.

But I love the Mets
because you love them.

- That's my girl.

- Okay, it works.

"Hang sometime?"

And send.

Thank you.

- Any time.

- If you know all this,
how come you can't

work things out with Justin?

- It's just super hard
when two brilliant,

complex artists get together.

- We're still talking
about you and Justin?

Look, Stella, why don't you
forget about boys

and focus on what you're
gonna do with your life?

- Maybe you're right.

I mean, I have a degree
in theater arts.

It's crazy that
I'm not using it.

- Oh, you're using it some.

- I'm a singer
and an actress.

That's like having
two lottery tickets.

- Yes.

As valuable as
two lottery tickets.

- Hey, let's all do something.

- We could watch a movie
like when we were kids.

Perhaps a Disney princess movie.

- Not "Beauty and the Beast."

Belle is so basic.

- Don't you put down Belle.

She was willing to marry an
animal to get a good library.

- [sighs]

I'm exhausted.

I forgot how much energy
parenting takes.

But they like us.

- They really do.

.

- A naked woman in bed with me,

the only reason
I ever do anything.

- Lying, sneaking off
to a hotel.

We're like Stella
in high school.

- No kid talk.

That was the deal.

- Oh, yeah.

[cell phone vibrating]

- Whoever it is,
they can wait five minutes.

I mean, 45 minutes.

- But it could be the girls.

It's Shea.

Oh, Carter hasn't texted back.

[cell phone vibrates]

Now it's Stella.

Justin got tagged
in a picture with some girl.

Oh, God, my poor babies.

Okay.

- No, no, look.

You're gonna
do that thing now

where you're thinking
about the kids

when we're about to have sex.

I'm gonna be doing
some of my best work,

and you're gonna have this
worried look in your eyes.

- I can't help it.

A mother is only as happy
as her unhappiest child.

- What about her
unhappiest husband?

We should probably just go.

- Why?

But that's not fair.

I want to do this.

- Don't you get it?

The fun is over.

I mean, this is
supposed to be our time,

but it is their time again.

- Oh, my God, you're right.

This is our life now, isn't it?

- And you know
whose fault it is?

It's ours.
We did this.

We made them our friends.

- We were so involved
in their lives.

We listened, we supported,
we validated.

- We blew it.

- Now we have to sneak off
to a hotel room

to get away from them.

- If we only spanked them once,
we could've saved $200.

- We could've saved
a boatload more

if we'd done what my father did
and just left.

- It's too late for that.

- Okay, I'm in.

They got to go.

And your parents.

- All right,
here's the deal.

Tomorrow is their
anniversary party.

We get everybody together,

we tell them
how much we love them,

and then we kick them
to the curb.

- Deal.

- All right.

Now let's get our
200 bucks' worth.

*

- Oh, this one is from
Mike and Martina.

I bet it's that scarf
I've been hinting at.

Oh.

Look, Bob,
it's some sort of coupon.

- It's airline miles.

- Yes, we gifted you our miles

so that when you do decide
to move to Florida,

you can upgrade to first class
if there's a seat available.

- If there's a seat?

So we go to the airport
with no idea

where we're going to sit,
and then just announce ourselves

like we think we're so great?

- I don't think
first class is for us.

We'd be uncomfortable.

- But there's more room,
and you get to board first.

- But then we'd have to watch
the other passengers go by us.

Everybody hates
those first class people

when they walk by them.

- We'd be the people they hate!

- Look, let's just call this
a bad gift and move on.

- Well, gifts aside,
I would like to make a toast.

You know, multi-generational
events like this

remind one of
the natural order of things.

First you're a child.

Then you grow older,
and eventually you leave home

and stand proudly
upon your own two feet,

taking any job you can,
even if it's not your dream.

And then you grow old,
and you move to Florida.

Cheers.

- But you and Mom always
told us to follow our dreams.

- Yes, we did,

and that may have
been a mistake.

- See, we didn't think
everybody in your generation

would have the same dream:

to be an actress or
win singing competitions.

- Surely you're not equating my
dream of becoming an astronaut

with hoping a chair
turns around on "The Voice."

- Dad, what are you
trying to tell us?

- Clearly they want us
to leave.

- Is that true?

- Well, it might be time.

- Wow, I didn't know you guys
didn't want us here.

- Neither did I.

Sometimes I have trouble
with social cues.

I was perceiving joy,

and you were feeling
shackled and burdened.

- No, no.

- We do not feel that way,

and we want to be supportive
in any way we can.

- Well, that didn't take long.

- What is that
supposed to mean?

- You're going soft already.

You remember the summer
that you turned 16?

I locked you out of the house

with a bowl of cereal
and the want ads,

and I said, "Don't you come home
until you've got a job."

Now that's parenting.

- I hated you that day.

I thought to myself,

"I can't wait to get away
from these people."

- See?
Success!

- I would never
do that to my daughters.

I like them.

- Well, there's your mistake.

You love your children.
You don't like them!

- I want to be
close to the girls.

When I was growing up,
you and Mom had no idea

what was going on in my life.

- We weren't that
interested in you.

- Well, I'm not you, Dad.

I don't push my kids away
when they need me.

Girls, you can stay.

And you might call that weak.

I call it a strong man
making a strong decision.

It's okay with you, dear?

- Of course.

We love you.

- Aww.

That's is good parenting
right here.

[knock at door]

Oh, that knock.

- It's Justin.

- Hi, Stella.

You look smokin'.

Hey, everybody.

- Justin, why are you here?

- I'm taking your dad's advice.

He told me I shouldn't
quit on you.

- I did not say that.

- Well, it was
something like that.

You never texted me,
so I don't got it exactly.

But he said
if you want something,

you should stick with it.

And I want you.

- Oh, Justin,
I want you, too.

You're a full balloon,

and no one should pop you.

- I'll explain metaphor
to her later.

- Let's go home, baby.

- Um, about that.

We kind of got evicted.

- Well, you can
stay here with me.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You guys are not even married.

- I hear you, bro.

Stella, will you marry me?

- No, no, no.

- Yes.

.

[upbeat music]

- How can you drink iced lattes
at this time of night?

- Why does that bother you?

I sleep fine.

- It's just suspicious.

Is she really gonna
marry that guy?

- Ugh.

Let's don't think
about that tonight.

Honey, we can
keep the fun going.

How about you
go get some wine

and I'll put on
something ridiculous?

- Are we talking parading?

- Oh, I'll parade.

- I love a parade.

- Alice sent me to make sure

we're not stuck
with those miles.

- We'll get you
another gift.

- Well, good.

Nothing crazy this time.

Now, about our staying--

- Dad, go to Florida.

Have fun.

We really don't
need your help here.

- Well, don't tell
your stepmom that.

She was miserable about moving.

You know,
it's nice to feel needed

and not just going
someplace warm to rot and die.

Besides, who wants to be
around a lot of old people?

Old people are annoying.

- Are they?

- I know you think I'm too
conservative and old-fashioned,

but I did marry a black woman.

That's got to mean something.

- Dad, I don't see race.

I see a bossy woman
who you married

who's always in my house.

- Fair enough.

You know, I don't agree with
how you raised these girls,

but I see how much
they like you.

That must feel kind of good.

- It does.

- I don't think my pop
even knew I existed

until I was standing
in his direct line of sight.

- Well, did he ever talk to you?

Ask you how you were feeling,
how you were doing?

- Never.

Different times.

- Yeah, different times,

but it would have been nice
if he had, right?

- Yeah, would've been nice.

Good night, son.

- Good night, Dad.

- Mike.

- Yeah?

- How you doing, son?

- I'm good.

You?

- Good too.

- Good.

- Did you tell him
we don't want the miles?

- What?
- The miles!

- He told me!

I hope whatever you put on
is easy to take off.

Hello, ladies.

- Good news, honey.

The girls came in to tell me
that Carter texted back.

- Told you he would.

Remember,
two forms of birth control,

right, Mom and Dad?

- I feel very uncomfortable
in this conversation.

- Why?
We're all adults here.

- Then why are you
living at home?

- Oh, Dad, you're so funny.

- I have a suggestion.

How about I get
two more glasses?

- Ooh, I have
an even better idea.

Okay, don't freak out,

but have some pot
stashed in the playroom.

I'll go get it.

- Don't bother.

- Why?

- We got rid of it.
- We smoked it.

*