Original subtitles

(singers vocaIizing)

(spacecraft whooshing)

(singers vocaIizing)

(majestic music)

(radar beeping)

- [Bones] Whcre 's the Captain, Mr. Spock?

- [Spock] He's out thcre, Doctor.

Out thcre somewhere in a thousand cubic parsecs ol space.

And there is absolutely nothin9 we can do to help him.

(dramatic music) (creature growling)

(machines beeping)

(creature grunting and hissing)

(radar beeping)

- [Person On Radio] Bo9ey inbound, 500 miles (indistinct).

oo you copy?

- Roger, tac-com . You got it too?

- What is it?

- I don't know, Captain .

Sat signal has it at 500 miles inbound real fast.

Oh . That's not one of ours.

- [Person On Radio] We 've conlirmed inbound bo9ey.

et roaring)

- [Pilot] Werewolf, lli9ht camera's now on.

Whoo, man, is he movin9!

Unidcntified aircraft, you are violatin9

restricted airspacc, reduce speed to Mach 1.

Repeat, slow down, descend to 3, 000 feet and identily,

or we will lorce you down.

(whimsicaI music)

Command, this is Werewoll lcader.

Bo9ey not respondin9 and he's walkin9 away fast.

Su99est Air National Guard at Franklin attempt intercept.

- [PiIot] This is Cowboy fli9ht. l 9ot a lock-on.

Request permission to lirc.

- [Person On Radio] Cowboy, you are cleared to lirc.

(explosion booms)

(BeIdar yeIIs) - Mebs!

You should've activated the cIoaking device.

- [Beldar] I cannot remember everything !

- [Pilot] He's disappeared. He 's just disappcarcd!

(water splashes)

(water burbling) (ethereaI music)

(singers vocaIizing)

(melIow music)

(singers vocaIizing)

(shoes squeaking)

(beII dings)

- Greetings.

- Oh, you need a room? - Correct.

- Um, filI out an appIication . Just a form there.

(BeIdar mumbling)

- I aIso seek a techno-industriaI sector

where I can purchase two or three simlats of pIatinum paste.

- Oh , uh, this time of night, huh?

Oh, gee, let's see.

See, I'm kinda new to the area, I don't-

- Do you know where couId l obtain a heIium-ison

grafting device operabIe at eight fathoms?

- Uh, you know, the day guy, he knows this area reaIly good.

I'm , I'm sorry, I , I can't help you , I . . .

Is this a doubIe occupancy?

- Correct. That is my mate.

- Oh. Yeah, right, I'm , you know, I'm sure she is, yeah.

That's, that's fine. Okay.

(rain pattering)

(electricity buzzing)

(coins cIattering)

WiIl that be, uh , cash or charge?

- Huh?

- How are you gonna pay for the room?

(coins cIatter)

- We shaII remunerate with metaIlic tender discs.

- Correct. - This is fine. Yeah.

(bed vibrating)

(BeIdar sniffs) (soap crunches)

(bed vibrating)

(Prymaat Iaughs)

(toilet paper fluttering)

(BeIdar guIps)

(Prymaat laughing)

- This is a primitive device.

We must find one with the necessary components

to communicate our distress to Remulak.

- When the Highmaster hears about the destruction

of our ship, he wilI be most dispIeased .

- Affirmative.

He wilI sureIy cut off my pIarg and hand it to me.

(Prymaat groans)

But do not despair, Prymaat. We wiIl be rescued .

Until then, we must adapt.

When the hydrogen dropIets have ceased ,

we wiII go forfh and Iive undetected on Earfh

amongst the bIunt skulIs.

- Beldar, how can we Iive among the bIunt skulIs?

- We wiIl bIend in. (bowIing pins cIatter)

- [TV Announcer] My 9oodness, Mike Sanders. Wow.

Here's the man that made it happen last match.

(BeIdar and Prymaat yeIling)

(upbeat music)

- Hey, Otto.

This dude's aImost as fast as you are.

- (Iaughs) No, man, this boy is the best.

Shows up on time, gives me an honest day's work.

You can't find people Iike this anymore.

- You know that's right.

- Now, these other dudes, these white boys

and the brothers, show up Iate, they Ioaf around .

AlI they want is a check.

- I heard that.

- Here is your Super Juicemaster.

For future reference, frequent cleaning of blades

wiII prevent motor wear and accumulation of Earfh bacteria.

(Otto laughs)

- I toId you , the boy is good .

If I couId find three more like him, I could retire.

- Excuse me, Otto, I believe it is time

for midday cessation of activities for protein-carbo intake.

- Yeah, sure. Take your Iunch break.

- Lunch, Iunch, lunch, lunch .

- The boy Ioves to eat.

- Lunch, Iunch, lunch, lunch, lunch.

Lunch, Iunch, Iunch, Iunch, Iunch .

Lunch, Iunch, lunch, lunch!

Greetings, Earfh woman .

(both Iaugh)

Time for the midday consumption of mass quantities.

- I have re-radiated leftover starch disc.

- Aw, pizza. I wiIl enjoy it.

- There.

Warning, do not sear the top of your neck hole

in the molten Iactate extract of hoofed mammaIs.

(BeIdar squeaIs)

(Beldar gargles)

ExcelIent.

The final component for the intergalactic communicator.

- Correct.

- There. - Perhaps a finaI tightening

of the spiral dimension fasteners.

- Beldar, activate the device!

Address MarIax, inform him of our situation.

There is no advantage to deIay.

(fIame whooshing)

(machine squealing)

- Their president's a crook. - Well, l'm not a crook.

- Verscrub.

- [Person On Radio] 10, 9, 8, 7.

(machine rattIing)

- [Prymaat] Phone home!

(phone ringing)

- Omglath Marlax!

- Greetings, Beldar. We haven't heard from you in cIarsogs.

Am I glad to see your life functions are stilI active.

- Greetings, Marlax.

- I trust you have enslaved the planet

and are awaiting further instructions.

- (groans) U nanticipated failure of mentagIion drive

has caused us to abandon our vesseI in a fluid mass.

At what time coordinates might we expect a rescue vesseI?

- Rescue vessel? You tarpath!

l would not like to be in your cone

whcn thc Hi9hmaster hcars olyour failure.

He wiIl not take it IightIy.

I wilI try to arrange for a star cruiser

to enter your soIar system in about, oh, seven zerIs.

- [Both] Seven zerIs?

- FIargans. Remulak. NarpaiI.

- Marlax, wait!

Seven zerls!

- Beldar. - Huh?

- There is something We should discuss

that is far more imporfant than pIanetary conquest.

- But what couId be more imporfant than planetary conquest?

- BeIdar, I am with cone.

- You? I?

A young one? - Affirmative.

(stomach squeaking)

- $8,000. (chuckIes) This is the best week I've ever had .

And there's 1 ,200 for you , BeIdar.

- Thank you.

- By the way, BeIdar, you stiII haven't given me

your SociaI Security number.

(dramatic music)

- My SociaI Security number?

I , I am sorry. I keep forgetting .

- Look, man, I need that number.

I got state payrolI forms, workman's comp.

You do have a number, don't you?

- Of course. I am a citizen of this planet.

- AlI right, my man , give me the numbers.

- O-2-5-6-X

point 3-O-B

8-7.

- Beldar, my man , you trying to teII me

you don't have a Social Security number?

- Correct. - Why not?

- I am an iIIegaI aIien .

- Oh , see? I knew you were too good to be true.

Every time I make some money, this happens.

So where you from?

- The pIanet RemuIak.

I am Fuel Survey UnderIord for your entire-

- Never mind , never mind , never mind.

Look, we're gonna work this out.

- AII right, here's the deaI.

Your name is Donald R. De Cicco, got that?

- Donald R. De Cicco. - Yeah, that's you .

D-E capital-C-I-C-C-O.

You were born August 1 1 th, 1 951 , in Brockton , Massachusetts.

- Brockton , Massachusetts.

- Oh, it's a Iovely town. And your name is what?

- DonaId R. De Cicco. - That's right. You are.

It's nice to see you .

Your wife's name is Mary Margaret Rowney,

born June 26th , 1 955, in Narragansett, Rhode IsIand .

But you're from where? - Brockton , Massachusetts.

- Hey, my mother's from there!

You two were married June 4th, 1 975,

in Kouros, Greece, where you met on a felIowship

foIlowing your graduation from Hobarf CoIIege.

- Hobarf. - Hobarf ColIege.

- CoIIege. - Let's put 'em together.

- Hobarf ColIege. - The man's a wizard .

Everything else you need is in here.

Birfh cerfificates, famiIy names, schooI records,

empIoyers' addresses, grandmother's maiden name.

Not that they'II ask, but it's in there.

I mean, I think of everything.

(aII Iaugh)

Most imporfant, your Social Security numbers.

What's your name? - Donald R. De Cicco.

- Donnie De Cicco, nice to meet you .

Welcome to the United States.

Right in there. Up and down.

(indistinct rap music)

- This is a fine craft.

It can be operated with some ease.

- Yo, man, come on, not so cIose, aIl right?

I mean , it's not that I'm against closeness,

it's just it's not my thing , man.

See, in America, we got this thing caIled space.

There you go.

BeIdar, if you're gonna live here and have kids,

you gonna have to get yourseIf together.

Buy yourself a car. Maybe get a hat for that head.

And you got to do something about those teeth .

- Teeth.

- BeIdar, you know what the key to success

in this country is? - I do not.

- WelI, I'm gonna telI you.

Look good. Be your own boss.

Never get chained to a desk.

When it comes to business, take cash onIy.

- Look good, be own boss, no desk, cash onIy.

- You got it. (laughs)

You got more of that gum , man? - Of course.

- On second thought, I better not chew and drive.

I might hit something.

(condom squeaking)

(BeIdar chewing)

(bright music)

(peopIe speaking in foreign Ianguage)

- Please, I , I'm reaIIy better with EngIish .

All I'm getting is clicking noises over here.

- CIicking? - No cIicky.

- CIicky, cIicky, clicky.

- Uh, couId you be a Iamb and have a seat?

Uh, take-o uno seataro, por favor.

Hi, there. I'lI take that.

Mr. SeedIing can't see anyone today.

He's having one of those days. Thanks.

Isn't that cute? Okay, that's not yours.

(client speaks in Spanish)

- Now, bear in mind these figures are not to scale.

You see, I'm suggesting we put these electronic coIlars

on all the deporfees, then we bury a wire aIong the border,

forming an invisible fence.

Now, the next time this iIIegaI

tries to enter the country-

(eIectricity crackIes) (fIame whooshes)

Wow. A jolt he won't soon forget.

It'll send a nice message to the rest of the population.

Let's get on this. - Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

- (sighs) Why am I the onIy one who can see the problem?

- I don't know.

- Everyone else just ignores the problem

hoping it'lI go away, but it won't.

- [EIi] You're absoIuteIy right. It's not gonna disappear.

- Maybe I shouId just give up too.

- Oh, no. - Sure. Just give up.

Be Iike everybody else. - It's not you .

- [Gorman] Just go the easy route

and Iet the country be overrun .

- You wouIdn't be happy.

- WelI, that's why I have to give it everything I have.

1 00o/o . I know everyone thinks it's crazy.

- And obsessive. - That l'm a mentaI case.

- Whacko. Completely insane.

I have something for you .

That deceased SSI number you flagged .

- De Cicco. - Mm-hmm .

- He's back. It's the tenth job he's taken this month.

Not bad for a guy that was shot to death

in a cIam bar in Sheepshead Bay.

- Seems now Mr. De Cicco is working

as an appliance repairman in Jersey City.

- Let's see, DonaId De Ciccos one through five

turned out to be a Samoan, a Vietnamese,

a SiciIian, a Canadian-

- And a BeIgian. - And Belgian , yes.

And he skipped back to BeIgium .

I Iost him , EIi. This one I want.

- Dr. RudoIph, this is Mr. De Cicco.

He wants his teeth capped . AIl of them .

- Hmm, okay. We'lI just take a Iook.

HeIIo, Mr. De Sicko.

- De Cicco. The name is De Cicco.

- Mr. De Cicco, I'm Dr. Rudolph.

Can we send for your reguIar dentaI records?

- Um, when I was young one, I chipped a tooth horn

on my rocket sIed in a vurI storm.

But there were no records which we could send

from where, uh, we come from .

- AIl right.

Now, I understand you want to have your teeth capped .

- Correct.

- Let's just take a Iook.

(chair buzzes)

And open , pIease.

And close, pIease.

Hmm.

And open , pIease.

(tube gurgIes)

Okay, we'Il starf the caps right about here, Mr. De Fasco.

- De Cicco.

- And open wider. If you can .

aw squeaking)

Headrest comforfabIe? - Fine.

- AII right. I'm going to give you some nitrous oxide.

Now, if you feel any pain, just Iet me know.

And breathe.

(BeIdar snores)

(BeIdar and Prymaat snoring)

(tires squeaI) (dog barks)

(tires squeaI) - BeIdar! Beldar!

Mebs! Mebs!

Human authority figures!

Mebs, mebs! We must egress immediateIy.

- Oh. (dramatic music)

(agents knocking) - Oh! They are at the porfaI.

We are scrabnord ! - Douglas, try the back.

- I NS! Open up! (Prymaat whimpering)

(door clatters) (agent grunts)

- [Agent] Around back. Come on , hurry.

- Prymaat. (dramatic music)

- The other side! - There they go!

- [Prymaat] Egress! Egress!

(Beldar grunting)

(suspensefuI music)

(Prymaat whimpering)

(Gorman sighs and groans) (metaI cIangs)

- TurnbuIl!

- Okay, no foreign passporfs, Ietters, correspondence,

newspapers, nothing to indicate their country of origin

except for these Mardi Gras suits.

- Let me see. Maybe they're BraziIian.

- Sir? - H i, you know what,

it really would be better if that went through me.

He's, uh, not in a good mood. Thanks.

I think I found something, sir.

Uh, that symboI aIso appears on this card .

- [Agent] I need some more bags.

- Let me see that. PossibIy Korean .

- Possibly. - Have this text analyzed .

- Okay. Run this.

- Look at this fiIth. It's fiIthy.

Human beings don't Iive like this.

Find out where they're from . - On it.

- Because wherever that is,

l'm seeing to it that they go back there.

(upbeat music) (car horns honking)

- LaGuardia Airporf. DeIta terminaI.

- LaGuardia. Do you wish I take BQE, the Van Wyck,

or my suggestion, Woodhaven Boulevard

to Grand CentraI Parkway?

There are more signal Iights but less traffic.

- Whatever, as Iong as we get there.

- Woodhaven, Grand Central 345, drop off, LaGuardia.

(brakes squealing)

(chiIdren yelIing)

(chiIdren laughing)

Good evening. - Peace out.

- Greetings. - Greetings, my geneto-mate.

How was your day ferrying humans across the grid?

(eIectricity tinkIes)

- AcceptabIe. Tips could have been better.

(Prymaat moans)

- The impending cone prepares for its emergence.

- [Both] Ah.

(person knocking)

(dramatic music)

- It's Khoudri. - Ah .

- WeIcome, my empIoyer and landIord .

- Beldar, forgive my intrusion. Ravi is sick.

Can you work the midnight shift? Use my car?

- Most cerfainIy.

However, this wilI be the Iast tripIe shift.

The birfh spasm is near.

- Beldar, once again you have puIIed me from the fire.

- Yes.

- BeIdar, you have been working

through your slar phase again.

Guz deprivation is not good .

- But this dwelIing is no longer acceptabIe.

Even by Earfh standards it is not good enough

for you and our young one.

- We must strive to settIe in a safer neighborhood ,

one with better schooIs and a stronger Iocal economic matrix

which wiII not tax us to death. (sighs)

We are no better off than we were two zerls ago.

- This 1 5-year-old ranch-style dwelling is avaiIabIe

at $6,900 down with an assumabIe 9o/o fixed-rate morfgage.

- [BeIdar] But how? Our currency stock is insufficient.

- Incorrect. You have been working nights.

I have been saving. - Ah !

I praise you , Earfh woman .

- [Both] Mm . (Prymaat groans)

(Iiquid spIatters)

- My plufarb has broken. The birfh spasm has begun .

(Beldar groaning)

- Nothing to this.

Childbirfh is a simpIe, gentle act of nature.

- Yeah, you just take care of Prymaat.

We'Il get pIenty of good pictures.

(Khoudri and Otto groaning)

- I hate you, Beldar. I hate you !

(Prymaat yeIIing) (bones crunching)

(dramatic music)

(Prymaat moaning) (BeIdar yeIling)

- [Medical Attendee] Two, three!

(liquid spurfing) (Khoudri and Otto yeIIing)

(BeIdar wheezing)

- Breathe easy. - Okay, one good push .

(Prymaat yeIling)

(monitors beeping)

(hand sIaps) (baby cries)

- It's so cute! - I know!

(baby babbling)

- WouId you Iike to cut the umbiIicaI cord , Mr. Conehead?

(teeth chomp) (nurse sighs and thuds)

- No. No hair.

And bring the top of the head up higher.

No, higher, like a point.

- Sir, we have the analysis from Lexicon Labs

on the card found at the subject's dweIling.

No known Ianguage, script, or characters

within the foreign catalog nationaIity encodes.

- No, no, you're not listening to me.

Look, here. You see where my hand is?

That high. What else?

- Okay, the lab did a study of the Mardi Gras costumes.

They contain fibers with five

whoIly unknown poIymer strands.

Nothing Iike it anywhere.

- So what are they saying?

They're from another pIanet?

- That theory has been advanced . Yes, sir.

- This is big . - Mm-hmm.

- This is reaIIy big.

- Uh, permit me, sir.

ShouId they in fact be creatures from another pIanet,

isn't that Air Force responsibility?

- If they're just visiting, sure.

But the moment they try to work here, they're mine.

(dramatic music) (printer whirring)

Any sign?

- No, sir. Nothing yet.

Wait. Subject vehicIe coming your way.

- Copy. I have 'em in sight.

- Go? - No.

- Go? - No.

- Now? - Go!

(sirens bIaring)

- [Officer] Freeze!

Put your hands where I can see 'em .

(dramatic music) (sirens bIaring)

- This isn't him ! What's going on here?

- Sir, look at this.

- Where did you get this key chain?

- It's a gift, from one of the finest men I've ever known.

- Where is he now?

- He moved out a week ago.

I have no word from him .

I onIy wish I had more drivers Iike him.

DiIigent, punctuaI, his cab invariably sweet-smeIling.

- Take him in and check him out.

- Check him. - Copy. Turn around .

- Find this insignia, find these iIIegals.

- Sir. - Hi, there.

I'lI take that. Thank you.

Sir? Sir, good news from Washington.

Your promotion came through .

They must've Ioved your electrified-border idea.

We knew they wouId.

On-site Field Enforcement Head for the entire Southwest.

- Assistant Deputy Commissioner.

- Hmm . That shouId pay quite a bit more, shouIdn't it, sir?

- Are you kidding? It's an extra 1 ,500 a year.

Of course I'lI take it.

- Ouestion, about this De Cicco case,

we've already invested so many man hours.

- Who cares? Let the next guy handIe it.

I'm outta here.

(upbeat music)

♪ When I think back on alI the crap ♪

♪ I learned in high school ♪

♪ It's a wonder I can think at all ♪

♪ And though my Iack of education hasn't hurf me none ♪

♪ I can read the writing on the walI ♪

♪ Kodachrome ♪

♪ WiIl give us those nice, bright colors ♪

♪ Give us the greens of summers ♪

♪ Makes you think alI the worId's a sunny day ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I got a Nikon camera ♪

♪ l love to take a photograph ♪

♪ So Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away ♪

(BeIdar speaking indistinctly)

♪ If you took alI the girIs I knew when I was singIe ♪

♪ And brought 'em alI together for one night ♪

♪ I know they'd never match my sweet imagination ♪

♪ Everything Iooks worse in bIack and white ♪

♪ Kodachrome ♪

♪ They give us those nice bright colors ♪

♪ They give us the greens ♪

(electricity buzzing) ♪ Of summers ♪

♪ Makes you think alI the worId's a sunny day ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I got a Nikon camera ♪

♪ l love to take a photograph ♪

♪ So Mama, don't take ♪

♪ My Kodachrome away ♪

(Prymaat humming)

♪ You got the right one, baby, uh-huh ♪

♪ You got the right one, baby ♪

- Ah, good morning, consumption of mass quantities.

Grid-like breakfast slabs, extruded mammal kiIlings,

seared strips of swine flesh,

and fIattened chicken embryos.

I wiIl enjoy it.

- What is a seven-Ietter word for a tomb in ancient Egypt

which is a quadriIateraI masonry mass

having smooth steeply sloping sides meeting at an apex?

- A fIindar. - Ah .

(BeIdar snarIing)

- Good morning, parentaI units.

- Dawn greetings, young one.

- What would you like for consumabIes?

Pop-Tarfs? Chicken embryos?

Seasoned patties of ground animaI fIesh?

- Mm, I'm not reaIIy hungry. Just some Tang .

- Ah, Tang . The drink the astronauts took to the moon.

- Astronauts to the moon .

(BeIdar and Prymaat laugh)

- The pro shop caIIed . Your new putter has arrived .

- Aw, my Hawk True FIex Power Point with graphite shaft.

A secret of goIf pros everywhere. A truIy manIy putter.

(yelIs) What have you done to your cone?

- Nothing. - No? Turn around .

(BeIdar and Prymaat yeIl)

- It's not a real tattoo.

- Mebs, mebs! UnacceptabIe!

- It's just a decal. Everyone's wearing them .

- If everyone jumped into the Betumius Cauldron,

wouId you jump in too?

- l am not a Iittle cone anymore, Dad .

- Maintain low tones with me. Maintain Iow tones.

Now, go to the hygienic chamber and remove it.

Also, you are wearing far too much

lip and cheek enhancement.

- Mom ! My makeup Iooks okay, doesn't it?

- Do not involve the approval of your other parentaI unit.

Now, if you wish to accompany me

to the enclosed retaiI compound , you wilI make

the necessary corrections and remove the decal.

- Fine.

- Beldar.

- She Iooked like a common fIathrag on payday.

(paper crinkIing)

(mower chugging)

- I don't know what went wrong with these roses this year.

Maybe I need a gardener.

- Sweetie, I'm not gonna pay some guy to dig in the dirf.

- Larry, I toId you to take that thing to a professionaI.

You'lI save money in the Iong run.

- I should've bought an eIectric one.

(object cIattering)

BeIdar, is that you?

- Correct.

- Bel. (Iaughs) Pry.

Yeah , buddy, you got a minute?

- Of course.

- The damn lawnmower won't starf.

You know, you're, you're so darn good with machinery.

Would you mind taking a Iook at it?

- I do not mind .

- Greetings, Lisa.

Ah. ExcelIent crop of decorative growth .

- You're being nice. - Yes.

- Hmm, standard three-horsepower internaI-combustion

chlorophyIl staIk sIicer.

There is fuel in the device?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, there's plenty of gas in there.

I just can't get the damn thing to kick over.

- Perhaps you and Larry wiIl join us

for consumption of mass quantities this weekend .

We wilI ignite our new fIame pit

and char some mammal fIesh for you.

- That sounds Iike fun . I'Il make some coleslaw.

- Ah , colesIaw. We will enjoy it.

(metal cIanging)

(BeIdar swishing)

(Beldar blowing)

(lawnmower roaring)

- Thanks, Bels. (laughs)

- Connie! How are you, girI? - Hi, Connie!

- So much fun! - Oh my god, I Iove your hat.

- H i, Mr. Conehead! - I'm so gIad you guys

could come. - It is so cute.

(teens speaking indistinctly)

- Oh, oh, oh , this song! (screams)

- [Connie] Remember the thing we used to do?

(upbeat music)

♪ Sometimes I feeI I've got to ♪

♪ Uh-uh, run away, I've got to ♪

♪ Uh, get away from the pain ♪

♪ You drive into the hearf of me ♪

♪ The love we share ♪

- Sorry, it's not ready.

- I do not understand .

I have returned at the agreed upon time coordinates.

- I'm very sorry, Mr. , uh, Conhead .

- Conehead . The name is Conehead .

- WeII, uh, look, Mr. , uh, Conehead ,

um, we got a IittIe backed up

and it took a littIe longer than we expected .

- UnacceptabIe.

Not onIy have you deIayed my deparfure from here,

but the entire series of events which was to foIlow.

What reason could you have for such deception?

- Look, I don't know who you are or where you're from ,

but around- - France. We come from France.

- Fine, sir.

The point is, it'lI be ready when it's ready.

So if you wanna take a seat over there,

we'Il calI you when your car is finished .

- I wilI compIy. What choice do I have?

It is as if you have seized me at the base of my snarglies.

- Hey, Ronnie? - What?

- I just have one question .

How can it take so long to do a simpIe aIignment

on an American sedan with standard rack and pinion steering

and MacPherson struts when your garage is equipped

with a proper Borg-Warner digital hydrauIic radiometer?

- Maybe 'cause I was out back finishing a beer.

- (chuckIes) Okay. (laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Now, Deputy Commissioner SeedIing , before this committee

can recommend your appointment to the position

of Commissioner, there's stiII several questions

regarding your tenure as Mid-AtIantic District Chief

we'd Iike answered this afternoon.

- WeII, Senator, that was a Iong time ago

and a very busy office.

I won't be able to recaIl everything

that came across my desk.

- WelI, we won't be asking you about everything.

Just case number 839343B, the so-caIIed De-

- De Cicco. - De Cicco fiIe.

- Yes, I , I do remember that case.

- In an unsuccessfuI pursuit, labeIed by some as excessive,

you authorized the expenditure

of a quarfer of a milIion doIlars to apprehend

what you believed was an illegaI aIien from another pIanet.

A spaceman?

- Excuse me. (whispers indistinctIy)

ActualIy, Senator, I , uh, I never said on the record

that I thought they were spacemen.

Um, and the case is stilI open .

And I , I feel that when we make this apprehension,

the expense wiII be weIl justified,

is what I feeI.

I can't beIieve my appointment's being heId up

by the piece of crap De Cicco case!

- [Eli] Oh, I know.

- I want the whoIe fiIe put back into the system

fIagged at red Ievel . - Yes, sir. Right away.

- Why me, huh? Why me? - I don't know.

- [Gorman] WelI, the system aIways screws the guy

that works the hardest. - It's unfair. It's not right.

- (sighs) The poIiticians, oh, they don't even care.

- It's the system . - Phone's ringing.

- (sighs) Phone rings alI the time.

- No, Eli, the- - Oh, the phone!

I'II get it. I'lI get it.

- This guy's out there somewhere.

And he's gonna make a mistake.

And when he does, we'II naiI him .

(mysterious music)

- You know, I've never dated a girl taller than me before.

- Oh, realIy? I've always been talI.

- So, are both your parents from Europe or-

- [Connie] Uh-huh .

- [Ronnie] When did they come to America?

- Uh, before I was born .

- Yeah, my grandfather's from the oId country.

- Oh , reaIly? Which one?

- Mm , I'm not sure. One of the big ones.

- Oh . (sIurps)

- Gee!

Wow!

My mom's the onIy other woman I've ever known

who could take a sandwich Iike that.

God!

- Are you gonna eat that? - No, no.

You're something special, you know that?

- So BeIdar's giving this woman beginner's driving lessons

for the fifth time, huh?

That's interesting.

- Interesting? Why is that interesting?

- I mean , the same woman . Think about it.

- The same woman .

- It's been my experience that the more you think about it,

the more you probabIy should worry,

because aII men are pigs.

- Ah, pigs, an omnivorous domesticated

cIoven-hoofed verfebrate that defecates

in the same pIace it consumes.

- ExactIy. You shouId be very carefuI with BeIdar.

He's got that continental accent

that some women find irresistibIe.

(Prymaat screams)

(Prymaat Iaughs)

- I reaIly Iike it when you watch me drive.

Whoops.

(cone squealing) - Watch it, lady!

- It's funny, it's like you've been instructing me

alI my life, you know?

Yes. It's aImost as if you've controlIed me completely.

Beldar, I just don't think I'm ready for this test yet.

I reaIIy don't. I can't. . .

Oh, Iisten to me. I'm okay.

I'm just human .

And I'm weak.

(Iips smacking) (dramatic music)

- GIadys, Iook at me.

- Oh, yeah! - I am your teacher.

You are my student.

It is naturaI that you harbor cerfain feeIings

for your driving instructor, but you must understand,

nothing can come of this.

53 U .S. doIIars, please.

- You are one of the finest men I have ever met.

- When my species comes to ruIe this planet,

your name wilI be on the protected rolIs

and you wiII come to no harm .

- You are wise. But there's a sadness to your wisdom .

(dramatic music)

(car engine revving) (brakes squealing)

♪ With alI the dying trees I scream ♪

♪ The angeIs in my dream , yeah ♪

- Ronnie, don't. (Iips smacking)

Please? - Come on, Connie.

I toId you how I feel about you .

Doesn't that mean anything?

- It means a lot.

- WelI, it's Iike, I pick you up,

I take you out, I bring you home, we say goodnight,

and you never kiss me.

What, is there something wrong with me or something?

- Of course not. - WelI, then-

- It's just, (sighs) my parentaI units (sighs). . .

WelI, we've never been really affectionate.

And I'm afraid I don't know how.

- It's easy.

AlI you do is lean forward and kiss, Iike this.

♪ Let it be, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Where I go, I just don't know ♪

(Iips sucking)

(Iips pop)

(Ronnie shuddering)

- Ronnie, don't. Ronnie, I am not ready.

- Oh, you're ready!

Oh! - Don't. Ronnie!

(Connie grunts) (Ronnie thuds)

(vacuum cleaner whirring)

(Prymaat coughs)

- [Prymaat] Greetings. How was your date with Ronnie?

- (sighs) Daddy was right. (sniffIes)

Earth boys onIy care about one thing.

- [Prymaat] You mean, Ronnie was behaving Iike a fIairndep?

- Flairndep? - FIairndep.

An uninvited grasper of cone. A masher, a hustIer.

- Flairndep?

(dramatic music)

(engine revving)

(car slams)

- Hi, Mr. Conehead.

(fabric squeaking)

- I find you unacceptabIe!

- Yes, sir.

- lf I did not fear incarceration

by human authority figures, I wouId terminate

your Iife functions by applying sufficient pressure

to your bIunt skulI so as to cause its colIapse!

- [Ronnie] Thank, thank you .

- Do not worry about the fIairndep Ronnie.

You will not see him within the LaureI HiIls quadrant again.

- I cannot believe you did that. You've ruined my life!

- Now, young one, when we return to RemuIak,

aIl that was- - I don't care about Remulak.

That stupid star cruiser is never coming anyway.

- But she said . . .

Uh , I thought. . . - I wiIl attend

to the young one. (vacuum clatters)

(Prymaat knocking)

- Come in. (sniffIes)

- You know, Connie, I read in a magazine

you can talk to me about anything .

- (sighs) Mom?

What does it feeI Iike to hone?

- Well, for me, the first time, it happened so fast,

I hardIy knew I had honed at all .

And after that it was more repetition than anything else.

Oh, my young one, your cone is changing and you feeI unsure.

- How would you know what it's Iike?

You've been married to Daddy for so Iong.

- I was a young cone myself once.

Before I met BeIdar, I was very attracted

to a young Thorasian forger.

And as far as I was concerned ,

there was no other Iife force in the universe that mattered.

But then he got a job working at a voIcano compIex

on some moon in the Batumius cluster.

I never saw him again. And it broke my blood vaIve chamber.

I got over it, and it worked out for the best,

because then I met your father.

And I knew then that I had found my true Iife mate.

- I love you, Mom .

- The currents of chromo-bonding between you

and your parentaI units are infinite.

(eIectricity tinkIes)

- [Beldar] Mebs!

- Good shot.

So, have you given any thought to what I said about,

uh , you know, hair?

- I do not understand .

- Ah , BeI, it's me, Larry.

You don't have to pretend it doesn't bother you .

(chuckIes) You're a young man, my friend .

No reason for you to be skinny up top.

I'II Iet you in on a littIe secret. Not alI my own hair.

Hard to telI, isn't it?

- OnIy from very high aItitudes.

- Yeah ! WeII, I'Il say no more, think it over.

If you want, I'II be happy to introduce you to my man .

- Thank you. - Hey, Mr. Conehead !

Way to blast out of the bunker, huh?

It's me, Ronnie!

Hope you didn't cut your hand when you tore open my car!

I'm fine!

- Yes, thank you! No probIem , goodbye!

- Okay. - Hey, tubby! Come on !

- AlI right, Conehead, that puts me

four behind you at the turn .

- [Beldar] Correct.

- Hey, Mr. Conehead, I'm miserable.

I feel so bad for what I did .

It feels Iike somebody's ripping my guts out.

(BeIdar groaning) She won't take my caIls.

- Hey, kid, l'm not paying you to yak.

Buddy?

What's with the head? (laughs)

- Forget him . He's not a member.

(water splashes) (crowd claps)

- [Announcer] That concludes thc one-meter competition.

Next will be thc threc-meter-board cate9ory.

- You can do this. - First diver

for the homc team, Connie Conchead.

- You'Il execute a one-and-a-half fIip

with a twist, and the head and the body

enter the water with as little splash as possibIe.

- [Connie] AlI right.

(BeIdar and Prymaat growl)

(Connie sighs)

(water splashes) (crowd cheers)

- Good girl . Keep it up, you've got one more dive.

- AII right. - Divin9 lor Union Hi9h,

Gail Jensen. - You were great.

I'm sorry about the other night.

I was a reaI jerk! Okay?

- [PrincipaI] Connie's our best hope

for the state championship finaIs.

- Correct. We beIieve this also.

- You know, tell me if I'm wrong, but I don't think

I've ever seen you two at any of the parent meetings.

What committees are you on?

(BeIdar groans)

You know, we stiII need voIunteers for the homecoming gaIa.

- Home? - Coming. Coming .

- Home? (bright music)

(students cheering) (cheerIeaders chanting)

(bright music)

- H i. Look, I'm sorry if I-

- No, I mean, I shouldn't have been so-

- Hey, it was me. Sometimes I just-

- Me too, me too.

- If I thought I did anything to-

- No, you didn't. I mean , I . . .

I mean it. - SeriousIy?

- Yeah.

- Wow! Glad we taIked .

- [PrincipaI]And now, parents and students alike,

ifyou will dircct your attention to the sky

above thc playin9 lield, you will be treated to a display

ol amateur fireworks, courtesy of Bcldar Conehead,

father ol Paramus Hi9h 's own Connie Conehead.

(crowd cheers)

- CarefuI there, Conehead .

(fIame sizzles)

(firework whistles)

(crowd groans)

Pretty cheap, Conehead .

(firework roars)

(ethereaI music)

(confetti fIuttering)

(crowd cIapping and cheering)

- Cigar?

- Is the Iight keeping you awake?

- No.

(Prymaat moaning)

Your breathing has become erratic. A torg for your thoughts.

- BeIdar, are you content with me?

- Of course. Why would I not be?

Now, I would Iike to enter my sIar phase.

- Let us suppose for some reason my Iife function ceased.

What wouId you do?

- I would incinerate your carcass in the tradition

of Ovahdar the Obtuse and put it in a clean, dry pIace.

- Would you find a new geneto-mate

to bring to our guz chamber and propagate?

- Ah, my most precious one, I wouId coIIapse.

I would draw the shades and I wouId live in the dark.

I would never get out of my slar pad nor cIean myseIf.

My fluids wouId coaguIate, my cone would shrivel,

and I would die, miserabIe and IoneIy.

The stench wouId be great.

- Oh , Beldar, you have made me very happy.

- Yes, I know. Goodnight.

(gentle music)

- Life on Earfh is good.

- I agree. Stability and contentment have been achieved .

(both snoring)

- Lay by and put about. Lay by and put about.

Attcntion, return to your port of embarkation.

There is no work lor you in the United States.

You have no job skills. You will be a dra9 on our economy.

We appreciate your situation,

but wc have problems ol our own.

Thank you. - Phone, sir.

- [Gorman] Seedling here.

- Sir, a fax just came through on the secured channeI.

I think we've found him .

- Don't toy with me, EIi . This time it had better be reaI.

- Oh, oh , helIo, Mrs. Conehead.

Oh, I've been meaning to taIk to you

about the Christmas tree lighting ceremony.

Um, we've found someone eIse to head up that committee

and won't be needing Mr. Conehead's services after aII.

So if you couId just thank him for me.

- Ah, he wilI be very disappointed .

- [Principal] Mm-hmm .

(dramatic music)

- [Larry] I'm teIling you , Bels, you just stay on your game,

you couId win that trophy this year.

- Ah , a meaningIess piece of metal and wood .

I compete only with myseIf.

I appreciate the game for its physics,

its high Ievel of skilI, its seIf-control,

and of course, spirituaIity.

- You're fuII of it, Conehead .

The only reason you're coming to the costume baII

is 'cause you think you got a shot at winning that trophy.

- Negative.

Of course if I should win the trophy, I wouId accept it,

with Iimited enthusiasm .

(goIf ball tapping) (triumphant music)

- Ron. Harv. - Beldar, what's happening?

Hey, Conehead, what kind of costume

are you wearing to the HaIIoween dance?

- I am not about to telI you, Harv.

(shower water splattering)

Eh?

(gentle music)

''Consume alco-beverage. Come get me.''

Ah, Mai Tai! I wiIl enjoy it.

(sultry music)

♪ We got a thing ♪

♪ Going on ♪

♪ We both know that it's wrong ♪

- Greetings, Earfh man .

(BeIdar mutters indistinctly)

- It is good to hone in pIaces

other than our guz chamber before sIar phase.

- Who said? - ''Good Housekeeping.''

(Prymaat roars)

(liquid gurgling)

♪ HoIding hands ♪ (BeIdar laughs)

♪ Making all kinds of pIans ♪

(Prymaat meowing)

(BeIdar and Prymaat meowing and growling)

- [Agent] What are they doing in there?

- Sounds like they stepped on a cat.

(phone rings) Com deck three.

- [Agent On Phone] Forwardin9 Commissioner Scedlin9.

- Go ahead . - Seedlin9 hcre.

- Yes, sir. We're on 'em , sir.

- [Gorman] Don 't make a move without me.

- Roger, I understand .

No, we won't make a move until you get here.

(doorbeIl rings)

- Greetings.

- Hello there. We just stopped by to introduce ourseIves.

We're Jehovah's Witnesses.

- How do you do? I am BeIdar.

- We attend the Kingdom HalI on Cove Neck Road .

- Ah , yes, next to the dry cleaners across from 7-Eleven.

- ExactIy. - May we ask you a question?

- Proceed . - Do you agree that the world

is headed towards a terribIe caIamity?

- Most definitely.

In fact, I have direct personaI knowIedge that this is so.

- Great. May we come in?

- Of course. Enter, assume comforf.

My mate, Prymaat. - Oreetings. Be seated .

- So, what do you know of the doom awaiting this planet?

- Well, as, uh , as Witnesses, we believe

that the end of the worId is approaching

and that only 1 44,000 peopIe wilI be saved to reign .

- I do not beIieve it wiIl be that many.

- Uh , no, the Bible clearIy states

1 44,000 will be saved to reign.

- That is a very optimistic estimate

considering the primitive weapons

the Earfh people will use for their defense.

- Some Earfh weapons are not so useIess.

- Mebs. Drop it.

- WeII, uh, when the time comes, (chuckIes)

no weapon of this earfh shaIl avail mankind .

- [Beldar And Prymaat] Correct.

- Where are you people from?

- France. We come from France.

- But we are American citizens now.

- Do you have proof?

- Proof? (Gorman laughs)

- I'm going over to Christina's.

She's gonna give me a ride to the dance,

so, um, I'lI see you there. - AII right.

- I take it your daughter was born here.

- Yes. She is native to your pla, uh, country.

(Gorman speaks in French)

(BeIdar speaks in French)

(Gorman speaks in French)

(Prymaat speaks in French)

(object buzzing)

(BeIdar speaks in French)

(Gorman speaks in French)

(BeIdar speaks in French)

- [Person On Radio] Scarlab modtrubuim Beldar.

Scarlab modtrubuim Bcldar.

(Prymaat screeches)

(BeIdar speaks in French)

- Beldar, phone for you .

- U h, teII the calIer that I wiII return his caIl

at my next earIiest convenience.

- No, BeIdar. The big phone!

- The big phone? (squeaIs)

Uh , I hope that you humans have enjoyed your visit.

Come again , now. You are Ieaving.

- We haven't finished. How did you arrive in this country?

- I think you are finished . - Thank you for coming .

- I don't think they bought it, sir.

- Oh, you just can't taIk religion with some peopIe.

- [EIi] Hmm-mm .

♪ Last night I hoId AIaddin's Iamp ♪

♪ I wished that I couId stay ♪

♪ Before it could answer me ♪

♪ Someone came and took it away ♪

♪ I Iooked around ♪

♪ A Iousy candIe's alI I found ♪

♪ You don't know what we can find ♪

♪ Why don't you come with me, littIe girI ♪

♪ On a magic carpet ride ♪

♪ You don't know what we can see ♪

♪ Why don't you teII your dreams to me ♪

♪ Fantasy wilI set you free ♪ - Connie!

- Ronnie's gonna give me a ride home tonight,

so I won't need a ride, okay?

- Negative, young Iady.

We must speak now. lt is imperative.

(upbeat music)

I have good news, my young one.

After zuros of waiting,

our rescue vesseI from Remulak is coming tonight.

- What? - You are finaIIy going to see

the unparalleIed joys of your home planet.

- (sighs) I've gotta teII Ronnie.

- IrrationaI. You wiII teII no one.

- (sighs) What if I said I don't wanna go?

- Oh, my infinitely valuabIe incarnation .

Watching you grow up on this savage pIanet

has caused me great pain .

Your young optic receptacles never having observed

the sacred peaks of Aardsnaap, the Crater of CuIdroth,

the Mergziod Labyrinth .

- (sighs) I know.

I know, and I'm sure it's aII great.

And I know that you don't believe me,

(sighs) but I'm in love with Ronnie.

(BeIdar moans)

Daddy, if you realIy care,

you'II Iet me say goodbye to him .

- AIthough my blood vaIve chamber weighs heavily

with your feeIings, tonight we must remain together.

- You're moving away tonight?

- WeIl, I , I guess when you get the calI to be the driver

for the president of France, you gotta go.

- I have to teII you something really imporfant.

- What is it? - Not here.

We have to be aIone. - AIl right!

- The awardin9 ol the Fairfield Country Club

Goller of the Year trophy. ..

Not so last, Carl. (crowd Iaughs)

For most-improved handicap throu9h the season.

And the winner is Beldar Conehead!

(crowd cIapping and cheering)

(upbeat music)

- [Agent] The daughter and boyfriend are on the move.

(upbeat music)

(melIow music)

- Ronnie?

(sighs) Before we do anything at aIl,

there's something I have to say.

(sighs) I'm different from other girls.

- I know. That's why I Iove you .

- (sighs) Oh, Ronnie.

(melIow music)

- I cannot beIieve she left after you told her not to.

Something has corrupted her judgment.

- When we get back to RemuIak,

I am grounding her for an entire zerl, and I mean it!

(tires squeaIing)

(dramatic music)

(Connie shuddering)

- Ah! Senso-rings?

Where did you get those?

- Under your bed . - U nacceptable!

Your cone is too young! Get up!

You're coming to Remulak right now!

- I am staying with Ronnie!

- Maintain low tones. ImpossibIe.

UndesirabIe. Inadvisable.

- Then I'm coming with you . l love you .

(BeIdar groans) (siren blares)

- Mebs! Human authority figures.

- We must egress immediateIy.

(sirens bIaring)

- lt's over, Conehead! This is the lNS.

Comc out with your hands up. You're under arrest.

(suspensefuI music)

(wood cIatters)

They're going for it! - Get in!

(engine roaring) (sirens bIaring)

(tires squeaIing)

(bike cIattering)

- Cover him ! - HoId it right there.

(Ronnie groans) - It's the boyfriend .

- Sir, it's the boyfriend .

(wood cIattering)

(BeIdar groans)

(Prymaat moans) - Oh , no!

(tires squeaI)

Daddy!

- (chuckles) Nicc maneuver, but it's all over, Conehead.

- BeIdar, I think that is the Jehovah's Witness.

- [BeIdar] Eh?

- Let's cover him .

(Prymaat whimpers)

(Prymaat and BeIdar whimper)

(dramatic music) (air whooshing)

(metaI creaking)

(Prymaat sighs)

- AlI right. Hold on, everybody.

(metaI creaking)

- I love you , Ronnie!

- I love you , Connie! - Back in the car, asshoIe.

(Gorman grunts)

(EIi whimpers)

- [EIi] Gorman, Iet go!

Gorman, Gorman , I'm scared !

- You're not getting away this time, Conehead!

You're completeIy surrounded . Put the car down!

(spacecraft whooshing)

(dramatic music)

- This is the ship's captain.

Secure yourseIf into the formpIat.

We'II initiate mentaglion surge

as soon as we go past the only moon on this planet.

(metal cIanging) (Prymaat yeIIs)

No problem .

We have successfuIly passed their moon

and are preparing now for mentagIion surge.

(majestic music)

(Prymaat snoring)

(majestic music)

- Remulak!

(majestic music)

(Prymaat snoring)

(dramatic music)

- VlengIariat proth , Highmaster.

I know every cone is alIowed but four uses

of the Bitumius pleasure spooI, and I parfook six.

I realize the error of these actions,

and I vow they will never be repeated .

I throw myself at your merfex. Fairnob, smerfhail .

- Smordit!

I reaIize the pleasure spooIs are a difficult temptation

to resist, therefore, you wiIl nartIe the garthok!

(peopIe cIamoring) - Ay! No!

- Fuel Survey Underlord Beldar, Florhone,

and MarIax Zehemsto, from Protoid FueI Administration .

- GlemgIep, Amclas, MarIax, and BeIdar.

- Ah, Beldar, survivor of the wiIderness planet.

What offerings do you bring me from the conquered worIdIet?

- Greetings, Revered One.

AIIow me first to present the gift of two living

native beings from the pIanet.

(eIectricity buzzes)

(crowd groans)

- You can do what you want to me,

but I wiII not apologize for doing my job.

The United States of America can no Ionger solve

the employment probIems of the rest of the universe.

- Silence the sIave!

(Gorman gasps) (electricity buzzing)

DelightfuI. They wilI make a fitting sacrifice to Krathnor.

What else did you bring me?

- A muItitude of gifts from the bIunt-skuIIed civiIization .

A tire iron with four-way lug wrench .

(crowd cIamors)

An owner's manuaI for a Ford Lincoln Mercury SabIe.

- Ford LincoIn Mercury SabIe?

- A personaI conveyance, named for its inventor,

an assassinated ruIer, a character of Greco-Roman myth,

and a smaII fur-covered mammal.

- Ah . - And a dashboard icon.

(crowd cIamors)

- Is this alI?

- CerfainIy not.

Some chewing gum .

(crowd cIamors)

- I am sporfed . More than sporfed .

FIarged by this!

(crowd cIamors)

Come on . BeIdar, come cIose.

Close.

What have you done to your face porfal?

Huh? - Eh?

- Your treIgs!

- ExceIIency, there is good reason .

Beldar Iived among the bIunt heads so long,

he had to adapt.

To survive, he offered his treIgs.

- It is known as dentaI bonding.

- [MarIax] I do not care what it it known as

to the blunt skuIIs, here, it is known as treason .

- Treason?

- Since it is the festivaI, it is at my discretion

to settle things in the ancient ways.

Therefore Beldar, you wiIl nartIe the garthok!

(crowd cIamoring)

- I , I am no traitor!

- What's a garfhok?

(dramatic music)

- Every zerI since the ancient times,

when the three moons align , the meIded Iight

of the crescents causes a garfhok to emerge.

- Aha. So, what's a garthok?

- Our seats used to be way up in the back.

These are much better seats.

(ethereaI music)

(peopIe cIamoring)

(garfhok growling)

- That is a garfhok?

- You can realIy see it from this vantage.

These are very good seats, Mardak.

(Mardak grunts) (garfhok growIs)

- It is time. (dramatic music)

- I am Lagtar, disgraced guardsman.

I am prepared to fight for my honor.

(garfhok growIs)

(garfhok spits)

- These are great seats. - Uh .

- I have learned much from watching the garfhok battIe.

It has weaknesses.

When my turn comes, I believe I can take him. Mm .

- Uh-huh . And let me know when EIvis gets here.

- [Guard] You're next.

(person yells) (garfhok spits)

(Gorman gasps)

- This is a first for me.

- You're next. - No, he's next.

- No. He said you are next.

- No, Iook, he is next. He is next.

- No, you were ahead of me in the Highmaster's courf,

I do remember. - That was then. This is now.

(guard speaks indistinctIy) No, guard , no!

(garfhok snarIs)

- [Guard] You're next.

- Daddy.

(dramatic music)

(garfhok growIs)

(Connie gasps)

(feces squeIches) (BeIdar yeIps)

(garfhok roars) - Oh, no.

(garfhok snarIing) (BeIdar yeIIs)

(garfhok yeIls)

(Beldar pants)

(crowd cIamoring)

- [Attendee] You caII that (indistinct) BeIdar?

♪ Sometimes I feeI I want to, eh-eh run away ♪

♪ I want to, eh-eh, get away ♪

♪ From the things ♪ - Hmm?

- It's a song. - Hmm?

- Big hit on Earfh.

♪ Eh-eh, parf of me, eh-eh ♪

(garfhok grunts)

(garfhok growIs)

(garfhok snarIing)

(stick thwacks)

(garfhok gasps)

(garfhok thuds) (crowd cheers)

- Mm . (garfhok yeIls)

(crowd cheering) (triumphant music)

- The day is yours, Beldar.

You have successfuIIy narfled the garfhok.

Therefore, a request may be granted .

- And I have such a request.

- Speak freeIy. - That I be permitted

to return to Earfh .

And upon my return, I will conquer the planet Earfh

and ensIave the blunt skuIls

in the name of my cone heritage.

(crowd cheers)

- Request granted .

- I also wish to take the Earfh slaves with me.

- Narg! You may only take one sIave.

- Then I take SeedIing, the one with higher office.

- Thank you . - So be it!

(crowd cheering)

Let it be written ! Are you writing this?

That Beldar shaIl return to the humo-carb pIanet,

where he shalI conquer the bIunt skulls!

(crowd cheering)

(sighs) This is my festivaI.

Yet I speak and they do not hear.

- No one Iistens. - They do not reaIize

the degree of difficulty imposed upon me by my office.

- Power is not easy. Huh-uh.

- I sit in judgment and ruIe. That is aIl there is for me.

- You have no interior life.

- Highmaster. - Hi there.

Why don't you Iet me take care of that?

He's having a really tough day. Thank you.

(whimsicaI music)

- Om9lath, Rebnep, Frcmdrcp, Krathnor.

Attention aII battIe-unit commanders.

Entering outer atmospheres of target pIanet.

Hold your 9lobal-ran9in9 positions. Array mesoton cannon.

Stand ready lor my attack order.

- The star fIeet has entered the Earfh's atmosphere.

- [Eli] They've entered the Earfh's atmosphere.

- Ah . The moment of gIory is upon us.

- RealIy big day for you, sir.

(Highmaster sIurps)

(whimsicaI music)

- Landing enabIed . Arm cannon, verify gIobal targets.

Hold your weapons reIease until my order.

(dramatic music)

Warning, warning ! Danger to battle fIeet.

Presence of enemy Iaser gun in placement

in satelIites detected, proceed to secondary target

in postomium chain . - Eh?

- Lorbsleb. Warning, warning !

Danger to battle fIeet! Danger to battle fIeet!

- LorbsIeb! - LorbsIeb!

Lorbsleb! Lorbsleb!

(spacecraft rumbIing)

- OuickIy, my famiIy. Run, run!

(spacecraft rumbIing)

Your happiness and positive perception of me

is vital to my existence.

Besides, it is not every day that a father

can give the world to his child .

- I love you, Daddy.

(explosion booming)

Whoa!

- BeIdar's life functions have ceased .

The Earfh weapons have siIenced him .

- He died braveIy in battIe.

There is no death more gIorious.

- He wiII be missed.

- He wiIl waIk with the chosen .

- Super guy.

- I make this proposaI to you , Earfh creature.

Your life in exchange for a green card.

- Agreed , provided you can demonstrate a speciaI job skiII

that no U .S. citizen possesses.

- That shouId present no chalIenge to me.

- Ah, I have no objection .

- Good. Move. (Iaughs) (device beeps)

(gentle music)

(doorbeIl rings)

- Good evening, Mr. Conehead . Mrs. Conehead.

- Good evening , Ronnie. WeIcome, enter.

You look handsome yet uncomfortabIe

in your pubescent ceremoniaI garb.

- Yeah. You mean my tux, right?

- Correct.

- [Prymaat] Connie is completing her beautification ritual .

I wiIl summon her.

- Ronnie, may I have 55 words with you?

The frightening statistics of young earfhIings

mangling themselves in internaI combustion vehicIes

on the night of prom rituaI makes me insist

that we use maximum safety awareness.

Return at the predesignated time coordinates,

and, in fact, take my car.

Its reinforced aIIoy superstructure is far superior

to that of your broken-down, rusted-out shitbox.

- Gee, thanks, Mr. Conehead.

- Hi, Ronnie. Hi, Daddy.

♪ You're just too good to be true ♪

♪ Can't take my eyes off of you ♪

(BeIdar grumbIes) ♪ You'd be like ♪

♪ Heaven to touch ♪

- This is for you. - Thanks.

♪ At long last Iove has arrived ♪

♪ I thank God I'm alive ♪

♪ You're just too good ♪

- Present yourseIves for image emuIsification.

♪ Can't take my eyes off of you ♪

- Say, lactate extract of hoofed mammaIs.

- [Both] Cheese! (Iights rumbIe)

- Excellent.

- Goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead .

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- [Prymaat] Night.

♪ Please Iet me know that it's real ♪

♪ You're just too good to be true ♪

- Ah, memories. - We wiIl enjoy them .