Original subtitles

SICILY EXPRESS

-Yo. -Hm?

I'm telling you, in 24 hours, I'm telling Maria Teresa everything.

Yes, yes! But tonight I'm sneaking into Guglielmo's to spy on bingo,

then tomorrow we can tell the girls all about the dumpster, as we agreed!

No more lying or making stuff up, okay?

Ah! Cut that out right now. My word is my bond.

Mm.

-Come on, Salvo, think about it. -Hm?

We can work in Milan, huh?

Then go home and sleep in Sicily.

How amazing would that be? What more could we want out of life?

Beautiful.

-Hm? The hospital! -Answer, it might be important.

Hello?

Hey, Valentino, it's Andrea.

-Sorry to bother you. -Oh, Andrea, hello.

Is everything okay?

No, I just wanted to let you know that there was an issue,

and the director had no choice but to change your shifts.

When do we need to come in?

Uh, so you're not the afternoon shift anymore,

you've been swapped over to the morning shift.

So you'll have to be at the hospital at...

-Seven. -Seven. 7 a.m.

At seven?!

He's standing next to you right now, huh?

Yes, yes. And if you could pass that along to Salvo too.

-He's breathing down your neck, then? -Exactly, that's perfect, thanks.

-Sorry, sir, can I get your signature? -Yeah.

Under no circumstances can you guys be late.

You know he did this on purpose.

There was no reason for him change the shifts around.

-There, done. -Okay, cool! Yeah, sounds great.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, Andrea. Thank you, bye.

-All right then, so it's all sorted? -Very much so, sir.

-I knew I could always rely on you. -Yeah, no problem.

-Have a good night. -You too, sir.

-Yo, Salvo. -Hm?

-The director flipped our shift around. -Mm-hm?

He wants us at work tomorrow at 7 a.m.

-Salvo, you listening? -Mm-hm.

Salvo, can you hear me, or are you just jealous about Gugu?

Yes, I hear you, I got it. And I told you, I'm not jealous.

'Cause why would I be jealous?

And none of this is my fault, it's all Guglielmo's.

What are you talking about?

'Cause he's an ex.

And the moment an ex becomes an ex,

they immediately have a moral obligation to move somewhere abroad.

-What do you mean, move? -Bro, that's the rule. Everyone knows it.

Only you don't, and it's 'cause you're ignorant.

What the hell are you talking about? Did you fall and hit your head?

Breaking news, we're all someone's ex too.

Does that mean we have to move somewhere else?

Of course.

Who gets to stay in Italy then? Huh?

The foreign ex who moved to Italy for their now ex in the first place!

So basically it's a transfer of people?

Correct. Is that an issue for you? What are you, a nationalist?

No, are you saying I look like one?

No, I just saw that dumb look on your face, so I thought...

Salvo, remember, in the mighty words of Confucius,

only those who are insecure are jealous.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Are you serious?

You look like you're about to go rob a bank.

You know what?

You don't have the slightest respect for my emotional state.

Uh, wait, hold on a second. Trust me.

You're welcome.

And don't give me that look. You should be thanking me,

I'm doing you a favor.

See you later, Confucius.

Mm...

Least one of us cleans up after ourselves.

-Hi! -Oh, hello!

-Hey! -Good to see you.

-So nice to see you. -Gugu! Hi.

There you go. You see that?

I'll chop off those damn hands!

Putting his hands all over her, and I'm the one overreacting?

Huh?

Yes, thank you, I'm coming.

I'm on my way out now. Hey, Maria Teresa, where are you going?

That was our Santa Claus, he's gonna be here soon.

All right, I'll go back with the kids, so we don't ruin the whole surprise.

-Yeah, sounds good. -See you in a sec!

Okay, I'm out front and I don't see you.

And who is that?

Hm?

Oh! Thanks for coming!

-Okay, so I'm gonna go back inside. -Mm-hm.

-Wait here while I open the window. -Sounds good.

And then you can climb in and get all dressed up.

-The kids will love that! -Perfect.

Thank you so much! This will really make their whole year!

I can't wait to see their faces! It's gonna be incredible!

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

Hey, Salvo.

I'm so sorry.

But I'm your best friend, and I can't keep this a secret.

My God, you need to get over this jealousy, Salvo!

Maria Teresa.

What about Maria Teresa?

-Maria Teresa's here, at Guglielmo's. -I know she's at Guglielmo's.

We tell each other everything, not to worry.

Yeah. Did she also happen to mention the guy she brought along?

So, what the hell's going on?

I'm sorry to be the one who's gotta give you the bad news, Val.

-But this is impossible! -Mm. I know.

Maria Teresa shouldn't have done it.

I get the long-distance, and his magnetism's tough to ignore,

but it's not right or fair.

I'll let you decide if you wanna watch this heartbreaking scene.

-But he's so old! -He is, but he'll charm the pants off you.

Yeah, hello?

What's up? Where are you?

I told you, I'm at Guglielmo's.

You couldn't take me out for the dinner you promised me, so...

So what, this is your revenge? Huh?

I don't know what you're on about, but I gotta go.

What are you doing that's so important you can't talk?

Listen, I get he's undeniably charming, but this is just over the top.

-Val! You need to calm down. -Why didn't you tell me?

Where is all this coming from? Have you and Sal been drinking?

Unbelievable.

-I don't get... What's the problem? -Why can't you tell me?

Stop avoiding my question.

-Not you too! -Why won't you tell the truth?

-Stupid, horny old man! -Just confirming what I thought.

-You're lying to me! -Val, listen, I need both my hands free.

Tell me what you're doing with both of your hands!

-No, you're being ridiculous! -Salvo, what's going on?

-Clap your hands. -What are you saying?

-Like big applause. -Well, what did you do now, huh?

It's not me, it's you!

Now, I can even hear the shaking in your voice!

My voice is shaking because you're making me nervous!

What the hell are you talking about, honey?

You're pulling this crap at Christmas?

The time of year where we're supposed to love each other?

-The nerve! -I can't do this.

I can't believe you'd do this to me!

-You're not thinking. -What did I do to deserve this?

Uh, nothing, sweetheart.

Since you're always accusing me of being jealous of Guglielmo,

I wanted to play a fun little prank.

Oh God, another one.

I really gotta stop falling for your jokes.

Sorry, but I've gotta go, okay?

Okay, well, say hi to Santa Claus for me. Bye.

-Tell me why you're asking. -Hang on a second, how could you know?

-Know what? -Know Maria and I are with Santa Claus.

-If I have to explain... -Well, it's a thing, you know, people say.

"Say hi to Santa Claus" a lot around Christmas.

-I don't know... -It's not usually literal.

Honey, just stop, I have to go.

I'm trying to overhear what's going on between Maria Teresa and Valentino.

-We'll talk soon. -Bye, babe. Love you.

-I am honest! You're being weird! -A simple question and you can't answer!

-That you can't answer it speaks volumes! -You have no right to accuse me...

If you... Stop, I'm on the phone!

If you can't answer it,

then we need to have a very important conversation

about what we're doing and... Um, hold on.

-You don't even trust me anymore! -One minute!

Val, what the hell is wrong with you?

I wanna get to the bottom of whatever this is, so just tell me. Now.

Nothing sweetie, it's just an April Fool's prank.

In December?

Well, yes, 'cause you would never expect it.

Very funny, can I please go now?

Yeah, okay. Bye, sweetheart. I love you lots.

-Goodbye, sorry about that. -Bye.

God, Salvo played another prank on me, the idiot, and I fell for it.

I think Milan's messing with Valentino's head.

Do you have any idea what you just made me do?

You always do this to me! Why?!

Check your sources before flying off the handle!

You are my source, you moron!

Shut up! They'll hear! Keep your voice down.

-You're the one who told me... -Stop talking.

So, gentlemen,

want to explain why you were hiding in those bushes?

With a pair of binoculars?

Um, because we're very passionate about observing nocturnal animals.

Ah, so you were observing animals in the bushes?

-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. -Yes, we are.

-Very passionate. -Yes, yes.

What kind of animals, exactly?

Uh, blackbirds primarily.

Ah, yes, blackbirds. Famously nocturnal.

No, owls.

There were owls.

-Owls, right. -He thought they were blackbirds.

At night, it can be hard to tell them apart.

-Okay, sure, owls. Yeah. Right. What else? -Yeah.

-Turtledoves. -And some bats.

-You remember the bats, don't you? -Yeah, lots of bats.

-Mm. -Butterflies.

-Fireflies. -Oh, so also insects?

Yes, oh, especially nocturnal insects.

You two wouldn't know a nocturnal animal if it bit you on the nose.

No, it's just 'cause nighttime is more conducive for animal watching.

It makes it much harder to see them, you know?

It's not they carry little nametags, "Hello, I'm nocturnal," right?

You really gotta get a good look at them.

We're sorry if we're not explaining it right.

No disrespect.

We never meant to go off on a tangent.

-We're nervous. -So you were just observing animals?

-Exactly. -Yes.

-And that's just... like a hobby? -No.

It's a profession.

-Yes. -And you do it in a bathrobe?

Because of the fireflies.

The robe lures them in and you can really observe them up close.

It's beautiful.

-You see them very clearly against white. -So why are you dressed in black?

To drive them back when they get too close for comfort.

Because fireflies can become vicious if they get too close.

Real vicious. Vicious. You know, like a tiger.

-No, no. -They can turn really dangerous.

Unlike owls, who look better from a distance.

Yeah, they look better from afar.

Real gorgeous.

Ugly up close, but gorgeous when they're far away.

-You know, their beautiful eyes. -The further the better. Perspective.

When these things get too close and they're swiveling around...

-Their eyes are so bright. -Bright.

It's like a spotlight, and it's all you can see.

-They should teach this in school. -True, distance is important.

-Versus close. -Closer to an owl is bad.

'Cause all you see is the eyes...

Yeah, we get the gist. We're gonna need your names and addresses.

What, is this an interrogation all of a sudden?

Where's your identification?

What kind of person takes identification with them for nocturnal animal watching?

Don't you get smart with us, sir. Just watch yourself.

-One last question. Either of you married? -Yes.

Perfect. We'll contact your wives, and I'm sure they'll vouch for you.

-No. -No.

-Our wives don't know we're in Sicily. -You can't.

Ah, so where do they think you are? In Milan, or...?

Yeah, Milan.

All right, enough fun and games.

Our captain will be here in the morning.

He'll decide what to do with you guys.

Not 'til the morning?

-But no. -No.

No, please, we can't.

It's really important we're at work at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow.

-We really can't get there late! -Yeah!

Good mor...

-Giulio! -Giulio?

Captain Giacalone.

What are you two doing here?

What are you doing here?

Why were these two gentlemen detained?

Uh, the truth is that we were actually, uh...

Mm.

...out in some bushes observing some nocturnal animals.

-Really majestic creatures, mind you, and... -We do it to make some money on the side.

Captain, we tried to explain it to your colleagues here, but I think they...

Oh, so now we're being formal, guys?

Look, I wanna help you.

But you're gonna have to throw me a bone here.

All right, Giulio, I'm gonna be totally honest with you.

This whole thing is about Salvo's wife, Claudia.

Salvo's not jealous though, that's important.

Her ex isn't following the rules and moving abroad like he should!

Last night, the ex hosted a bingo night. Salvo wanted to make sure his wife wasn't...

Hold on a second. You were spying on your wife?

-Well, why didn't you just say so? -Ah! Well done!

Congratulations, that's very impressive.

You've managed to do the most pathetic thing a man possibly can.

Because in your sick, sad masculine mind,

you've convinced yourself that a woman can't have a life of her own

without you knowing everything about it.

So, come on! Let's hear everything you found out about her.

Did you discover that she's got her own distinct interests?

That she's not your property?

That ladies can be powerful? That probably scares you, huh?

Maybe you deserve to feel embarrassed, Giovanni!

Wait, who's Giovanni?

My name is Salvo.

Giovanni's her ex. Lots of spying.

Ah!

-Hm. -And how did she find out about it?

-Because she spied on him too. -Of course.

-Ugh! -But listen, Salvo.

Remember, only those who are insecure are jealous.

-Confucius? -No, my ex.

My apologies.

-And where is she now? -Albania.

You see? Look at that. She moved abroad. That's respectful.

Release them immediately.

Look at the time! You know, I think we can still make it.

-Yeah. Thanks a lot. -Excuse us, please.

Oh, and don't forget to check in and say hi to my dad!

SANTA SERENITÀ CLINIC

ENTRANCE - EXIT

Huh. You're tardy.

Whoo!

And punctuality is key!

You're up in the north!

Is that concept clear to you?

Of course, it would be unreasonable to fire you

for being a minute late for work.

-It's just one minute! -Yes, thank you.

-But you're fired. -No.

Ah, you better believe it!

Here you go!

No.

I'm really sorry, you guys.

It's just so unfair.

Wait, now who's gonna bring me cannoli from Sicily?

Try to look at the bright side of all this,

at least now you can go to beach whenever you want!

Take in that sea air!

-Well, isn't this a terribly sad sight. -Let's get you back inside, sir.

And this is it for you two. Can't come back from this!

Hey, congratulations on that fancy white robe, too!

Come on! Let's all get back to work! Move!

Val. Hey, come on, open the door.

Just come out and we can talk about it. Val!

Oh, finally. Listen, my friend, I just wanted to tell you... Hey, come on!

My friend, I know you're mad, but just listen.

You know this wasn't totally my fault.

I mean, sure, maybe it was a little bit, but really we kind just got unlucky!

I know you think we had it made with the dumpster,

working in Milan and sleeping in Sicily.

But we can appeal the decision!

Everything's gonna work out, I'm telling you.

My entire life's in shambles, all because you got jealous.

How am I supposed to tell Maria Teresa I got fired?

I really just don't wanna talk to you.

No, my friend, you don't mean that!

My friend?

Hm?

-Where do these go? -Hm?

Table seven.

Hello!

Here you go, enjoy.

What the hell?! What are you doing?

Unbelievable.

After the tone, please record your message.

Hi there!

-Good evening. -Hi.

-Good evening. -Hello.

No one's coming in.

Hello, this is Valentino, how can I help you today?

Val, it's me. I've called ten times trying to get you...

Exactly what don't you understand about not calling me at work?

In fact, you shouldn't be calling me at all.

You got that, idiot? Because now, Salvo, you're my ex!

So guess what?

You have to be respectful, and move abroad!

As abroad as you can go!

Is that...

And how's the shop coming along?

Good. Good.

And how are things at the hospital?

Uh, yeah, they're good too.

Thank God.

Thank God, indeed.

Hey, Dad, do you think I can maybe come to Milan?

So I can visit you at work and meet all your friends?

Sure, of course. Daddy would love that.

EX FRIEND

After the tone, please record your message. When you have...

Welcome home! I was getting worried.

Just thought I'd cook up a couple of things,

stuff we had in the fridge.

I figured we could sit down and have a good talk.

You must be exhausted after that long day at work,

so let's just have a laugh.

Val?

Hm.

You don't have any Indian papaya?

No.

And what about quinoa? Preferably Bolivian.

Ah, but I'd settle for Peru.

Perhaps you'd like to try our carrots from Ispica that improve your eyesight.

So that next time you come in, you'll be able to read our sign,

"Farm to Table."

-And stop asking for all that stupid shit! -Claudia, no, no!

-Look, you scared our only customer! -He's a moron. Ugh! Ugh! Huh?

Sure, buddy, I'll grab you tonight. What are best friends for?

It's all right, pal, you know I love you.

Come on, dude.

You know you're more than a friend, you're a brother.

Ah, no, you're the best!

After much consideration and thought, we have, once and for all,

found a way to unite Italy.

It is my honor to announce a new bridge that'll connect Sicily to Calabria.

This project will put an end to the problems

that have plagued the south for too long.

Issues like droughts and water shortages will be a thing of the past.

Here you go, sir. You were right.

Another one's disappeared, sir. Seems like it was stolen.

-Where? -In Sicily.

Here are the images.

I'll go.

Listen, you.

Last night you flushed the toilet at 3:37 in the morning.

-But I... -I understand you had to go for a pee-pee.

But you could've waited and flushed at a more reasonable hour. Huh?

And here I thought I rented my apartment to a reasonable member of society!

Don't worry about the smell, you get used to it.

Honestly, no one really notices it.

Once you get past the initial shock, it's really incredible.

Val and I couldn't wait to share this.

-Thank you. This is amazing. -I know, right?

Ah...

I knew there was a reason I didn't see you at the airport.

Thank you.

Now I'll have more time with my family.

And I can finally see my girlfriend when I want.

Bro, I've been looking for you all day to tell you.

I think I may have finally found our solution!

And this way, we'll be able to help everyone out.

-And ourselves. -Ourselves?

Yeah!

Thanks, Val.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I can't believe it. Wow.

Huh?

Oh, Salvo... promise me one thing, huh?

We don't tell any more people about this, 'cause it's all very delicate.

Dude, I got you. It's for a select few people, that's it.

-Yeah. -Eh?

What's up, you guys?

Who's up for a dip in Sicily, eh?

SICILY EXPRESS