All language subtitles for W07E02 Spookies_track3_[eng]

[Static, guitar playing]

-You know, Darcy, I'm really
starting to get used

to living out in the country,
I may just stay here

and be an alpaca farmer
or something.

You know, they --
they raise alpacas

just over the ridge here.

I thought they were vicunas
but apparently you can't take

vicunas out
of the Andes Mountains.

But, uh, they have some kind of
vicuna protection law, so um...

-What are you even
talking about?

-This is nothing new,
I mean,

for two years now my buddy
Buster Peebles

has been trying me -- tryin' to
get me to invest in llamas.

Anyway, but I think alpacas
might be better

'cause you can sell
the fur and make sweaters.

-You know I'm against fur.

-Darcy, it's fleece.
It's like sheep.

You shear it off the animal,
you don't kill the animal.

It makes 'em happy.

They get groomed once a year,
twice a year.

-Mm...
I'm skeptical.

-Anyway, we can discuss
my future

agricultural career later,
right now it's time for

our second movie,
"Spookies,"

and man alive,
this thing is just a mess,

but it's a creative mess,

it's a mess
with a cult following,

and so we're gonna feature

the best film ever made
at the home of

Supreme Court
Chief Justice John Jay,

author of
The Federalist Papers.

Yes, that's what I said.
-You're making that up.

-They made "Spookies" inside
the house of

the first chief justice of
the Supreme Court

and one of our
Founding Fathers.

-They used, like, the exterior
of his house, right?

-No! The exterior, the interior,
the basement,

there were some crew members
livin' there

throughout the production.

-Now I know you're making it up.

-Darcy the Mail Girl,
ladies and gentlemen,

always a skeptic, she will be
fielding your tweets

and your messages
and your emails tonight,

listening to your complaints
about alpaca farming

and llama ranching, soliciting
your opinions about the first

Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court,

and being her wonderfully
social self on social media

as we move through one of
the most complicated

creature features in drive-in
history, "Spookies."

But I'm not making this up about
animals from Peru and Ecuador

suddenly turning up
at ranches all over America.

'Cause Buster Peebles,
my friend, has this ranch

outside of Divide, Texas,
that he's turned over

to a herd of about 50 llamas,

and he's breedin' new ones
all the time.

If you've never seen one --
you ever seen a llama?

They look like a giant goat

that's been bred
to a fat jackrabbit.

You know, they --
they stare at you like

Tony Franciosa
hopped up on cocaine,

and if you move
too quick around em,

they snap their neck
straight up like a rattlesnake.

It's like some animal
that God didn't quite finish.

So a couple years ago
Buster dragged me

over to the Fort Worth
Fat Stock Show,

where he shows his llamas
and tries to win blue ribbons

so he can charge some idiot
$10,000 for some llama sperm.

So, 10 years ago, nobody in
Texas had any llamas,

but today there's like
27 million llamas

in West Texas alone,
and you know why?

"I think these llamas are gonna
take off in the next 10 years,"

Buster says, you know.

"One of these female
breedin llamas

brought $100,000 last year,"
which is true.

But if you -- if you were
acquainted with any of

the Peebles family,
or if maybe you know

some llama breeders yourself,

you would realize that
everybody has been talking

too much about llamas down at
the barber shop, you know?

"Somebody's gon' get rich off
these things,

might as well be us."

You know, I -- I swear to God,
ranchers all over Texas

are walkin' around
with beer guts

hangin' out over their belts,
prancing proudly forward,

clicking their tongues
and yanking on a leash attached

to this giant sweater with legs.

Only they're not alpacas,
so the fleece is not that great.

So I went over to Fort Worth
with Buster

to watch the Llama Exposition.

See, the problem with
the llama market

at this particular point in time

is that people
keep walkin' up to Buster

and the other llama breeders
and sayin',

"So, waddya
use them things for?"

And Buster says, "Pack animal."

And they just kinda nod and,
y'know, chew a little bit,

y'know, "State parks department
uses llama pack trains

to go up
in the desert mountains."

They go, "Uh-huh,"
"And, of course...

of course, they make
great pets for the kids."

And then they nod
and chew some more.

So what -- so, because people
don't understand 'em,

they need a llama competition
to show people

just exactly what
the highly trained llama can do.

And so that's what they did.

The llamas had to go through
a 10-step obstacle course,

including walking over a log,
ducking under a steel rod,

walking across a piece
of plastic

and climbing into
a horse trailer.

Truly awe-inspiring
demonstration.

Buster's prize llama this year
was named Oprah Winfrey,

and Oprah was
a little persnickety

when it came to the grueling

back-up-through-a-gate
competition.

So Buster only got fourth place.

But after it was all over,
I said,

"Buster, now, tell me again what
you're gonna use

these llamas for --
it's a pet, right?"

"No, this ain't a pet!

Y'know, this llama's
an investment."

Y'know, I said, "Y'all are just
gonna sell these llamas

to one another, aren't you?

You're just gonna trade 'em
back and forth."

"No! Luanne and me
are gonna retire

on this money
we make from these llamas.

Joe Bob, do you realize this is

one of the oldest
pack animals in the world?

Royalty used to have
these things."

And I say, "You know, Buster,
people...

people have pickups now.

People don't need pack animals,
you know?"

And Buster says,
"That's the kind of

negative thinking that'll keep
you from ever amountin'

to anything in life."

I said, "Buster, I think I'd
rather own a $100,000 pickup

than a $100,000 llama.

You know, if the llama dies,
you can't sell it for parts."

You know, and I -- I guess that
was about the moment

when Buster just
cleaned my clock.

And we used to be
pretty good friends, too.

So, Buster,
if you're watching this,

I would like my hat back,
even if it's stomped flat.

And speaking of ridiculously
complicated cross-breeding,

we're about to watch a movie
that started out

with two directors making
a movie called "Twisted Souls,"

but the directors got fired

when the movie
was 90 percent complete,

then half of everything
they shot was thrown out

so that a porn actress
could hire a new cast

and direct scenes
that were supposed to match

the scenes
with the original cast

because they were all shot
at the home

of the first Supreme Court
Justice of the United States,

but she was also instructed
to insert fart noises

for some of the creatures
inhabiting the story

of seven people who arrive
at a creepy house

in the middle of nowhere

only be -- only to be attacked

by carnivorous lizard monsters,

a glow-in-the-dark
Grim Reaper,

a half-cat
half-human gypsy pirate

dressed like Adam Ant
in biker boots

with a hook in place
of a missing hand,

a cellar hag,
a spider woman,

cellar-dwelling wine-soluble
Muck Men with pickaxes,

mangled corpses
that pop outta closets,

a cyborg thug with
drain-snakes for hands,

an octopus-like creature
with electro-shock tentacles,

a skeletal witch, a vampire boy
in a monk's habit,

a soul-possessing Ouija board,
Fiji mermaids,

an ancient lovesick
ghoulish warlock

who looks like Zacherle
after a three-day drunk,

some sort of snake-head
she-demon

that releases a pulsating field
from her brain,

a dwarf in a druid robe
with green face paint and fangs,

and 54 zombies.

In other words,
absolutely no plot to get

in the way of the story --
ladies and gentlemen,

I give you "Spookies."

Let's take a look
at those drive-in totals.

We have: 16 dead bodies.

56 undead bodies.

1 Were-cat.

3 Muck Monsters.

One fist fight.
Pulsating tomb.

Knife to the forehead.
Random drunkenness.

Graveyard dancing.
Stair-tumbling.

Exploding head.
Exploding Grim Reaper.

One disembodied talkin' head.

One scaly tentacled electric
monster with exposed heart.

One lizard creature attack,

with pottery-hurling
and fire-poker-stabbing.

One fireball-breathing hag.

One face-eating tarantula.

One spider-woman
with projectile teeth.

One grave-emergent zombie horde.

Leg-slashing.
Random hanging woman.

Head-bashing crone.
Live burial.

Gratuitous mechanical toy.

G-gratuitous clown zombie.

Heads roll.

Quicksand Fu.
Electrical cord Fu.

Pickax Fu.
Wine barrel Fu.

Cobweb Fu.
Sickle Fu.

Acid Fu.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for:

Felix Ward as the pretentious
warlock re-animating

his bride of 70 years ago;

Alec Nemser as
the 13-year-old boy

who has a spectral
birthday party;

Maria Pechukas as the revivified
bride of Kreon

who says
"Please let me die"

before fleeing
from a zombie horde;

Peter Iasillo
as the comic relief character

with a hand puppet
who provides no comic relief;

and Lisa Friede as Carol,

who turns into the
Ouija-board-loving hag demon.

Two stars.
[Laughter]

...I think.
I'm bein' generous.

Joe Bob says check it out.

Wow!

The cinematographer
on this movie

is a decorated Green Beret
from Vietnam

who did special ops
on the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

And, uh, then he was
the head gaffer

on "Joe Bob's Drive-In Theater"
on The Movie Channel.

He was also the guy who would
organize the crew expeditions

to Show World
on 42nd Street

and Billy's Topless
on Sixth Avenue,

expeditions that were
r-remarkable

for their resemblance
to a zombie horde,

so he really did know
how to shoot this story.

Ken Kelsch.

Ken went on to be
the cinematographer

on all of
Abel Ferrara's movies,

and I've gotta think
that those movies

were even more like Vietnam
combat than ourshow was.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bell tolls once]

♪♪

[Bell tolls]

♪♪

[Bell tolls]

♪♪

-My darling Isabelle.

I can wait no longer.

The final foolish victims
will be here very soon.

And then once again,

we shall be together

for all time.

♪♪

[Howling]

[Footsteps crunching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Owl hooting]

♪♪

[Owls hooting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Meow]

[Owl hooting in distance]

♪♪

[Rustling, cat snarling]

♪♪

[Owl hooting in distance]

-I told you we shouldn't
have followed him.

First, he starts a fight
at that party,

gets us all thrown out,
embarrasses the hell out of us.

Now, he gets us lost out here
in the middle of nowhere.

-What a jerk!

-Would you slow down, Duke?

You know he doesn't know
these roads like you do.

You do know these roads,
don't you?

♪♪

-Later for you, Mars.

So here's to you, Billy.

Happy birthday.

♪♪

-So, Billy, today's the big day.

First night away from home, kid?

-What makes you say that?
-[Chuckles]

You just seem kind of nervous.

-I'm not nervous.
You just startled me.

-Give an old man a light.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

So how old are you, kid?
Twelve?

-Thirteen.
-No, you're not.

-I am so, today.

-Yeah? Take my advice, kid,
go home.

-No way.

I have plans -- big plans.

-[Chuckling]
Yeah, sure.

Everybody's got big plans.

-Yeah, well, some of us
have plans that are gonna work.

-Right, right.

So why did you leave
your folks anyway?

-No reason.
-Your folks forgot

your 13th birthday.
-What makes you say that?

-[Chuckles]

-Listen, I have
a long road ahead.

I guess I'll be seeing you.

-Maybe...

♪♪

Maybe.

♪♪

♪♪

[Owl hooting]

♪♪

[Hinge creaking]

♪♪

-At last...

For 70 years I have waited.

I have sacrificed the youth
of so many

so that you might live.

And yet, I would trade
all my powers

for some way to make you see
how helplessly I love you,

that I even kill
so that you might live.

[Rueful chuckle]

What a cruel joke.

My power is nothing
compared to the power

your beauty has over me.

I am your prisoner, a slave to
that which I can never possess.

♪♪

-Hey, watch the Goddamn beer
on the upholstery!

-Then watch the Goddamn roads
and stop complaining!

-Yeah, Duke, watch them roads.

I'd like to try to have
a couple of more beers in me,

before I'm splattered
across the landscape.

At the moment, I'm much too
sober to appreciate it.

♪♪

-That's weird.

No name.

♪♪

Can't be any colder in there.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, Duke, where are
you taking us anyway?

-Come on, you guys.

The night's a long
way from over, man.

I'm looking for another party.

-Me too! Baa!

-Oh, no, is he starting
with that thing again?

-Uh-oh, Duke's mad now, Mook.

-[Whimpering, snarling]

-Well, what do you say
we kiss and make up?

Huh, Duke, what do you say?

-What, are you
queer or somethin'?

[Brakes squeal]

-Jesus Christ, now,
what's he doing?

-Goddamn branch!

-A friggin' tree.

-Get over here and
help me with this, huh.

-What the hell are you
trying to do, kill us?

-Jesus.

-Lift it up.

-Let's go.

-So what happened, it just fell?

-No, it grew there.

-Listen, Duke, we've
been driving around

for two hours in circles
and getting nowhere fast.

-All right, let's
get out of this place!

-Wait a minute, what
are we doing now?

-We're partying, man,

something you're too
old to appreciate, huh?

Hey, if any of you people
want to have some fun,

come with us.

-This is ridiculous.

Do you even know
where you're going?

-Yeah, I'm going nuts

'cause I gotta stand
here and listen to you.

-You're the one
that got us here.

-See you at the party.

♪♪

-Peter, forget it.
Let's go.

-Hey, you can go
home if you want to.

I ain't gonna cry about it.

-Just shut up
and let's go, Duke.

♪♪

[Low snarling]

[Tires squeal]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creaking]

-Hello?

Hello?

Anybody home?

♪♪

Boy, I could definitely
have my own room here.

♪♪

Cool!

♪♪

"Happy birthday, Billy,
from all of us."

Hey, a surprise party!

So you didn't forget after all.

This is really great.

You can come out now.

[Gears grinding]

♪♪

[Robot stops]

♪♪

Okay, so you want
me to cut the cake?

♪♪

[Gears grinding]

♪♪

♪♪

Funny.

Ha-ha.

♪♪

[Doll cooing]

♪♪

Hey, that was really neat!

"Happy birthday, Billy."

[Doll cooing]

♪♪

[Coos]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

[Door creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Bi-i-i-lly-y-y.
-Mom?

Dad?

Are you out there?

♪♪

-Get your presents.

♪♪

-What's this, a bowling ball?

So you want me to
open it or what?

Okay, I'm opening it.

♪♪

-Happy birthday, Billy.

[Maniacal laughter]

♪♪

[Static, guitar playing]

-Okay, look, normally I would
let the movie run

another ten minutes or so
before I butt in,

but this is one of those
"What the fuck?" movies

that -- this might be
the ultimate

"What the fuck?" movie, so...

So much has happened already,

we need to recap
before moving on.

First of all,
the spooky house --

yes, that's the home of
John Jay,

the first Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court,

co-author
of The Federalist Papers,

Founding Father.

The house is in the little town
of Rye, New York,

and if you're wondering
why "Spookies"

would be allowed
to film there,

it's because the elderly owner
of it had recently died,

her relatives who inherited
the house hated the house

because it was so expensive
to maintain,

and in fact
the current owner

told the location manager
that, quote,

"I want to burn
this place down."

And the place was so rundown
that the "Spookies" crew

had to actually go in and fix
the electricity and plumbing

and do some other basic repairs
to make it livable,

because they wanted to house
the cast and crew there,

which they did.

The family that owned the place
had left all the windows

and doors open to the weather,

and they were being accused
by the local historical society

of purposely doing everything
they could to allow

the house to deteriorate
so that it would be condemned

and they would be rid
of the expense.

Now, if you go to
the John Jay Estate today,

as a tourist, you'll be told
that the fight to preserve

the house took 13 years,
from 1979 to 1992,

but the main reason
the place was saved was that

"Spookies" filmed there
and fixed it up.

So, in 1992, Westchester County
paid the owners

$11.5 million for the property

and the house
and the grounds were restored.

So, the low-budget indie horror
guys actually preserved

a patriotic historic site
that ranks right up there

with Thomas Jefferson's
M-Monticello.

Anyway, since nobody cared
what they did to the house

and how long they stayed there,

the filmmakers were able to turn
the grounds

into one huge graveyard
and build all kinds of creatures

inside and fling blood and muck
and whatever else

they were working
with all over the property.

Okay, so...

The boy walking through the
woods on his 13th birthday --

that was not part of
the original movie at all.

There are two separate casts
in this movie.

The first cast is those
seven people

driving in the two cars --

they're part of a movie
called "Twisted Souls"

that was directed by

Brendan Faulkner
and Thomas Doran,

two guys who came out of

the Roy Frumkes
School of Filmmaking,

meaning the film professor at
the School of the Visual Arts

in New York, who wrote
and produced "Street Trash."

Half the exploitation films
made in New York

in the '80s came
from students of Roy Frumkes,

but the way this one happened
is that Faulkner, Doran,

and their producer,
Frank Farel,

were developing a movie called
"Hell Spawn,"

and they got the attention
of a British money man

named Michael Lee,

and he led them to believe that
he would produce "Hell Spawn"

if they would produce a, quote,

"more conventional"
horror film first,

and so they started developing
a script called "Twisted Souls"

and that -- and he financed it
and they shot it and edited

about 90 percent of it,

and even did a rough cut

that they were showing
to distributors,

but throughout that process,

Michael Lee
was micro-managing,

nerves were frayed,

he kept demanding changes,
arguments broke out,

and he ended up firing both of
those directors

and hiring another director,
Eugenie Joseph,

who had worked at Troma
as an editor,

had acted in some porn films
and directed some porn films,

she brought in
a whole new cast,

they went back
to the same location,

she kept 45 minutes
of the original film,

she shot another 45 minutes
with a new storyline

parallel to the original
storyline --

actually, not that parallel --

and so the 13-year-old boy,

and the dwarf who dances
through the graveyard,

and the warlock sitting
next to the casket

trying to revive his bride
of 70 years ago,

and the empty
birthday party room,

and the strange drifter who
talks to the 13-year-old boy --

all of that
is new footage.

The old footage is the seven
people in the two cars

who seem to be driving around
aimlessly looking for a party.

Have you got all that?

Okay, that's probably all you
need for right now,

but it's gonna get more and more
complicated, so pay attention.

Back to the movie.

Whenever you study
The Federalist Papers

in school,
John Jay, he's the slacker.

Y'know, 'cause there's
85 Federalist Papers,

there's three guys writin' 'em,

John Jay only wrote five!

Five out of 85.

He wrote the second,
third, fourth, and fifth,

so he's on a roll, and then he
doesn't show up again

until the 64th
Federalist Paper,y'know?

Presumably because Hamilton
and Madison are --

are pissed,
they're kicking his ass.

"John! Hello!
Did you get bored?

Do you need us to sharpen
the nub on your quill?"

Y'know, he's kind of
the Daniel Baldwin

of the Founding Father family.

Y'know, he's like
a Founding Little Brother.

[Laughter, harmonica playing]

♪♪

[Distortion, static]

♪♪

-Come on, what
are you guys, dead?

-Do you know
where we're goin', Duke?

-Sure, right here.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-This doesn't make any sense,
I mean,

who'd build a house in the
middle of a graveyard like this?

-Might have been
the other way around.

-Yeah, but still.

-Hell of a way to
fertilize your lawn, eh?

-What the hell are we
doing in a place like this?

We're gonna get in trouble
if we hang around here.

This has gotta be
private property.

-Don't stay.

Just leave the trouble to me.

-So old.

-We can't dance
around here all night.

Let's go.

Somebody might be live here.

-I don't think
anyone lives here.

-No one lives here.
It's empty.

♪♪

-She's right.
There's nobody here.

Come on, people, what are you,
afraid of the dark?

♪♪

-Oh, boy, here we go.

-Yo, wake up!

-Yes, I always knew you would.

[Chuckles]

-Duke, don't go in there.

-Why not?

-Because you don't just go

barging uninvited
into people's houses,

especially deserted,
crumbling old houses

in the middle of the night.

-There's nobody in here.

Come on.
-Yeah, what could happen?

-Welcome, fools.

-Let's go join the others.

-[Coughing]

[Bottles clinking]

♪♪

[Clears throat]

♪♪

-Come on, Meegan!
It's spooky as hell inside!

♪♪

-We're coming.

♪♪

[Panting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Creature snarls,
Billy gasps]

[Snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

-I like this house.

-It's so weird that
the lights work.

-Maybe somebody does live here.

-Somebody does live here...

Forever.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I think I'll go
get me another one.

-Oh, excuse me guys.

I wasn't looking
where I was going.

I'll be a little more careful.

Oh, Adrienne.
Hello, how are you?

It's good to bump into you too.

Hi, Dave.
How's your sinuses?

Fine, I hope --
Oh, Dukey, Linda.

-Why don't you watch
you're going, idiot?

♪♪

-It's funny, I --
I grew up with these people.

♪♪

-Carol, what's wrong?

-I don't know.
I don't feel well.

-Do you want me to
get you something?

-I'll be all right, I just want
to be alone for a moment.

♪♪

[Munching]

♪♪

-Come on, honey.
Let's dance.

-No, leave me alone.
I don't want to do nothing.

♪♪

-Listen, kids, I-I'm sorry.

He just gets like
this sometimes.

-Blow, pal!

-[Sneezes]

Thanks --

♪♪

♪♪

-This time, we must
play the game perfectly.

When all of the pawns
have been sacrificed,

we will win our
queen back again.

♪♪

♪♪

-Look at it.
Isn't it wonderful?

-It's pretty Goddamn
weird if you ask me.

What is it, art or something?

You think it's worth any money?

What the hell is in here?

[Rattling lock]

♪♪

-Cut it out, Duke, now!

That's a bright idea.

Why don't you try breaking
a few windows too?

-Hey, listen,
quit your crying,

nobody cares about this old
creep joint, why should you?

[Rustling]
-There's something in there.

-What are you, crazy?

♪♪

Nah, it's just an empty closet.

-[Screaming]
-Adrienne!

[Duke grunting]

-[Screaming]

-What are you laughing at?!
It's a dead man!

-This thing ain't real!
This ain't no dead man!

Go on, touch it.
-What are you, crazy?

I'm not gonna touch it.
-Come on, touch it.

-Looks real to me.
-Come on, mister.

You ever see a dead
man like this before?

-Look at that face.

-Ah, some jerk's idea of a gag.

Oh, scary, I'm shaking.

-What's that it's got
on its arm?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What's this supposed to be?

-Looks sorta like a
Parcheesi game or something.

-I know what this is.

I mean, I've never seen
one like this before.

It's a Ouija board.

-Ouija board?

That sounds stupid.

Hey rich, this
must belong to you.

-But there's something missing.

It's supposed to come with a...

-There.

-That's the thing that fell
out of the box on the shelf.

-Well, how do you play it?

Don't you need
dice or something?

-You don't play.

The Ouija board is a tool
for communication.

-Communication with who?

-The dead.
-The dead?!

But they're dead!

-Dying isn't the end.
It's a beginning.

-Aren't you supposed
to ask it questions?

-Yes, some poor soul or souls

are supposed to inhabit
each board.

They're duty bound to answer
any question put to it.

-Since when has Carol been
into all this weird stuff?

-This is ridiculous.
-The dead have never left us.

Their world exists
all around us.

They watch us.

Through this board,
the dead can reach out to us.

-And if you're
a very good kitty,

I will give Carol to you.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you, kitty?

Yes, of course you would.

-"If you're a very good kitty,
I'll give Carol to you."

They don't write 'em
like that anymore, do they?

And I'm not sure exactly
what that even means.

So I'm tempted to go through
the entire cast

and tell you what each of them
may or may not be thinking,

why seven people are
wandering around in a house

trying to create a party
where no party exists,

or why we keep watching
a warlock and a were-cat

at a chess board,

or why the 13-year-old kid
just got buried alive,

or why Carol doesn't feel well,

or why the Ouija board
that falls out of the hands

of a desiccated corpse
doesn't look like a Ouija board,

and why the character of Rich
carries a hand puppet

everywhere he goes --
apparently Peter Iasillo,

who plays that part,
sat in the corner between takes

and talked to the puppet
like a lunatic.

But I think I'll dispatch
with trying to explain the plot

because...

there is none.

So, let me just explain it
this way.

The original movie was one
of those 1930s plots

like "The Old Dark House,"

you know, Agatha Christie
but with monsters,

where several people
with different backgrounds

end up in the same haunted house

and they get picked off
one by one.

All the stuff about Kreon
and his bride,

the were-cat, the dwarf monk
dancing among the tombstones,

the drifter, the boy --
that was all tacked on,

and the way it was tacked on,
I think,

is that supposedly Kreon
has mind control skills

so he can put visitors
to the house into a trance

or cause them to do things
they wouldn't otherwise do,

which were the things that were
already photographed

by the first crew.

So anyway, there are two reasons

this movie developed
a cult following.

The first is the 16-year-old
Gabe Bartalos was working on it,

creating creatures
and gore effects

that you normally
couldn't afford

for a movie
that just cost $300,000;

and the other
is that Michael Lee,

who put up the money
for the film,

kept meddling to the point
that he ended up with

four different plots

so that the only way
to hold audience interest

was just to introduce
a new creature effect

every five minutes.

This movie has more monsters
than cast members,

as you'll see when we resume
our special retro viewing

of the 35-year-old classic
"Spookies."

It was Michael Lee, by the way,

who changed the title
of the film

from "Twisted Souls"
to "Spookies."

He was impressed by the success
of single-title films

like "Gremlins" and "Goonies"

and so he said, "Why don't we
call ours 'Spookies'?"

A word that is apparently
more often used in England

than in America.

So -- but he ended up
insisting on it,

resulting in a splendid $17,000
at the box office

when the film was released.

And that is not a typo.

That's...that's the complete
amount of money

that it made in theaters,
$17,000.

But it gets...it gets both
more confusing and better

as we continue.

So, roll the film.

Before he suggested
the title "Spookies,"

Lee suggested they call
the movie "Bowel Erupters."

[Laughter]

And I think it's about at that
point that the two directors,

who had known each other
since elementary school,

considered homicide
as one possible solution.

They described Lee as
a "pull my finger" kind of guy.

He apparently enjoyed
bathroom humor,

and bathroom drama,
and bathrooms in general,

to a ridiculous degree.

And you're gonna see
what I mean later.

♪♪

[Distortion, static]

-Eenie meenie, chili beanie,

the spirits are about to speak.

Are they friendly spirits?

-Get out, get out.
It's my turn.

-Bee-doop!
-Get out!

-Okay, hardly put any
pressure on it at all.

-It's moving!

-Go on, ask it something.

-This is stupid.
-How old am I?

Ask it.

-How old is Adrienne Ruth?

-24.

♪♪

-That's right.

You didn't know that,
did you, Linda?

-This is so weird!

-Ask it how old I'm
going to live to be.

-24.

♪♪

-I didn't do that really.
It went by itself.

-This is not funny any longer.

-I got a good one for you.

Ask it when the hell
we're going home.

-N-E-V-E-R.

♪♪

-I knew I shouldn't have asked.

-I'm not doing this on purpose.

I'll ask it something
about me then.

Will Duke and I
always be together?

-Oh man.

-No.

-Will we be together
a month from now?

-No.

-Hey, don't look at me.

You're the one asking
it stupid questions.

-I'm not doing this!

-Why don't you give
that thing a break?

Aren't you gonna wear the
batteries down or something?

-Maybe it is time
to get out of here.

-Let's go.

♪♪

-Will we ever leave
this house alive?

-No.

-You moved it on purpose!

-All right, that's
enough of this.

Let's get out of here.
Let's go.

-[Laughing]

♪♪

-Carol, what's wrong?

♪♪

Carol, what's the matter?

♪♪

♪♪

[Distorted voices,
screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-Leave.

Leave.

She is now mine

and you must all die
and serve my will.

[Kreon laughing]

♪♪

[Kreon laughing]

♪♪

♪♪

She will take
care of the others.

Make sure she makes
their departure...

somewhat amusing.

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

-The keys!
Where are the Goddamn keys?!

-I don't know
where the keys are!

What do I do?!
-Why do you have the nerve --

[Screaming over
each other]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Gasps]

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

-[Snarls]

♪♪

[Kreon's laughter echoing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Pounding on door]

-Do something!
Do something!

Get me out of here!
I want to get out of here now!

-What can I do?!
I can't do anything!

-[Low snarling]

[Banging]

[Screaming]

♪♪

-I told you!
[Indistinct shouting]

-Don't panic!
Don't panic!

♪♪

-[Sobbing]
-It stopped.

The pounding has stopped.

-Are they gone?
Did they go?

-Come on, let's roll.

-Don't be crazy, Duke!
-We're getting out of here.

-Hold it.
-You get the hell out of my way.

-Three seconds ago, you weren't
so hot to get out there.

-But they're gone.
I can't hear nothing.

This is our chance.

-Well, then, Duke, you just step
right up and be my guest.

Go ahead.

♪♪

♪♪

-I say we try and
make a run for it.

-You are crazy.
Look out there.

Go on, take a good long look
at that gravestone

with Lewis's name on it.
Go ahead and look.

What are you afraid of?
-You through talking, mister?

I'm gonna fix your ass!

-Oh, God!

-[Low moan]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-Those things aren't
gonna let us out of here.

You still want to go out there?

-So what the hell
are we going to do?

Just stand here
and wait for them

to break in and murder us, huh?

-I don't think those
things can get in here.

-You're right -- if they could,
they'd be in here by now.

-They don't want us to leave.

They want to make sure we
stay exactly where we are.

-Just like a simple
game of chess.

All the pieces are in place.

♪♪

Now, we may begin.

We have waited a very
long time for this,

but this time,

it will be forever.

♪♪

-One thing we know
about this house,

none of the doors work.

If you're trying to get in,
you're locked out.

If you're trying to get out,
you're locked in.

But then after a few minutes,
the door opens anyway.

We also know that if Kreon
crushes chess pieces

in his hand, the object of his
malice will lose her eyes --

or they'll roll back
into their sockets

and she'll start bopping people
over the head

while turning
into a veiny harridan.

We also know that anyone
who runs out onto the front lawn

in fear will sink into the earth
like quicksand

and a tombstone
with your name on it

will magically appear whenever
you sank into the ground.

That's actually Al Magliochetti,

the visual effects supervisor,
who sinks into the earth,

performing a visual effect
on himself.

We also know that Peter,

the guy who wears a blue tie

and looks like
he's the only 50-year-old

among a group of 20-somethings,

will always tell us
what's going on.

"Those things aren't gonna
let us outta here," he says.

How does he know that, you know?

Peter is played by Peter Dain,

who also appeared in two
other films,

"Igor and the Lunatics" in 1985,

that's where he met
the two directors,

they shot footage for that film;

and "Killer Dead" in 1992,

which was made
by many of these same people.

In case you need a program
to keep up,

Felix Ward plays Kreon,
the diabolical warlock

who sits in a room --
who knows where that room is --

with his chess board
and the casket of his bride,

and a lot of candles,

and his were-cat
hook-handed servant.

This was the first in a series
of one film roles for Felix.

Dan Scott,
who plays the were-cat servant,

was making his film debut
in this movie --

and his farewell to film
in this movie.

Pat Wesley Bryan, the drifter
who was the first to die,

is appearing here
in his only film role ever --

this is your one chance
to see him.

Nick Gionta, who plays the
pompadour-haired smartass Duke,

was also a gang member
in "Street Trash"

and concluded his film career
in 1992 in "Killer Dead."

Lisa Friede, as Carol,
had one other movie.

Joan Ellen Delaney, as Linda,

had one other movie --
also "Igor and the Lunatics."

Kim Merrill as Meegan
had two other bit parts.

Anthony Valbiro as Dave

was starting
and finishing his film career

right here before our very eyes.

Bottom line: you had about
15 featured actors

with a combined
acting experience of...

six months.

Hey, they were trying
a new thing.

So, let's get back to
the movie.

The evil plan of Kreon
seems to involve

keeping his bride alive
by somehow using the bodies

of people he kills?

But we don't really see him
doing that.

And correct me if I'm wrong,

but she seems to be already
moving quite well.

So, I guess the kills from this
point on are just for funsies.

So, roll it.

And you know, I said at the last
break that apparently

"spookies" was a term they use
only in England?

Well, we've since heard
from some Brits

and it appears that "spookies"
is a term only heard

within the mind of Michael Lee,

the executive producer
who invented it.

It sounds to me like something
you would use

on a Saturday morning cartoon.

And, you know what,

we should take a moment though

and give thanks
to the memory of John Jay,

first Supreme Court Justice
of the United States,

who argued
for a strong Constitution,

ensuring that
the First Amendment

would allow Loyalists
like Michael Lee

to bring their pounds sterling
from London

to the States,
occupy John Jay's house,

and produce incomprehensible
stories of supernatural evil

that could be consumed
230 years later

by perverts like us.

The same hallways where
at one time

he pondered the complexities
of the Treaty of Paris

were used two centuries hence
to bring to life

a possessed witch
with a glowing brain,

a demon able to melt human
beings with his electric tongue,

and a hideous Spider Woman
who literally sucks a man dry.

John Jay, Fellow Mutant,
we salute you.

[Laughter]

[Harmonica playing]

-One by one, we're
all going to die

and replace some trapped
soul in that board.

-What is going on here?

-What are we gonna do?

-The way I see it,
we've only got two choices.

-Right. I don't want to be
no sitting duck.

♪♪

-Linda, come with us.

-Hey Linda, get
your butt in gear.

-I'll be all right.

He's taken good enough
care of me up 'til now.

♪♪

♪♪

-Who's coming with
me and Meegan?

We're gonna check
upstairs first.

-I'm with you, chief.

-Dave and I are
staying right here.

We're not creeping around
some haunted house.

It's much safer here.
-I don't know.

-My mind is made up.
I am staying here.

-I guess we're staying here.

-Attaboy, Dave!
That's putting her in her place!

-Shut up, you brainless twerp.

-All right, all right,

I'm not gonna argue
with anybody anymore.

Let's go.

-Twerp?

What the hell is a twerp anyway?

♪♪

♪♪

[Creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

-Kreon?

No.

What have you done?

-I have waited by your side
day and night

for an entire lifetime.

-Stay away!

I don't want you by my side.

I don't want you
anywhere near me.

-But y-you see now that we
can never be separated.

-Please...
let me die.

-We live through each other.

-No.

Release me.

-There can be no end
for either of us.

-Why won't you let this end?

-I must win.

I will make you mine forever.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Which way?
-I don't know.

There's so many doors.
They could lead anywhere.

♪♪

-[Yelps, screams]

Something's got me!
Something's got me!

Get it off, get it off!
[Screaming]

-It was an electrical
cord, you idiot.

-Oh, God, I thought I bought
the farm that time!

-You scared the hell out of me.

Are you all right?

-Aw yeah sure, I'm fine.

I haven't met
the electrical cord yet

that can get the best of me.

-Okay, let's
cut the humor, all right?

-This is funny?

Okay, let's try this one.

Door number one, Monty.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Jesus Christ!

-Take it easy!
-Take it easy?

Don't tell me to take it easy.

I know how to handle myself.
You think I don't, huh?

-All right, all right,
forget it!

-Forget it?
You think I can, huh?

-All right, all right, you do.

Duke, somebody opened that door.

I swear there's someone
behind that door.

♪♪

Duke!

♪♪

Oh, Duke!
Duke!

Baby?

Oh, God.

-Boo!

-You bastard!
You Goddamn bastard!

I'm gonna kill you!
-Oh, stop it.

-Not now!
What are you, crazy?

Oh, God, what am I lying on?

You can't get this.
-Now, hold on.

Duke will provide.

-No, Duke.

♪♪

[Electricity crackling]

Let's just get out of here
before something happens.

-Something's going to.

♪♪

-Oh, no, it's not.

♪♪

-Ooh, look at me,
I'm Duke the horny ghost.

[Laughs]

♪♪

Hey, look at this.

Vino.
I told you Duke would provide.

-Don't drink that.

That's probably
vinegar or poison.

Stop.

-It doesn't taste so good.

-Ahh. Oh, it feels so
good to lie down.

-You know, maybe there's
some way out of here,

maybe through some secret wall.

-[Screaming]

[Flatulence]

[Moaning, flatulence]

[Flatulence]

[Continued flatulence]

[Growling, flatulence]

[Smashing]

[Growling, flatulence]

-[Whimpering, screaming]

[Growling, flatulence]

[Screaming]

-Get out of here!

[Growling, flatulence]

[Rapid successive flatulence]

[Groaning]

-[Whimpers]

[Flatulence]

[Growling]

[Flatulence]

♪♪

-Look, water!

The wine, the wine barrel!

♪♪

-[Screaming]

[Gurgling, flatulence]

♪♪

♪♪

[Air hissing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Clattering]

♪♪

-Control, I'm in control.

It's okay.

-You know, they've been
gone an awfully long time.

-Well, maybe they're all dead.

-[Scoffs]

Oh, that's nice Adrienne.

That's really nice.

-Well, it is
a possibility, isn't it?

-Sure, sure, anything is!

I don't like this room.

I think we should go
back by the front door.

-I like this room.

I feel safe.

-You just don't want to do
anything that I want to do.

Isn't that right?

Huh?!

[Creaking]

♪♪

[Pop, sizzle]

-Did you hear something?

-Peter, Meegan,
I found the board!

-Rich?

Richard?

Rich?
Did you find something?

What did you find?

-You want my board?

Well, the board...

wants you.

[Creaking]

-No!

-Oh, my god, she's got him!

-Aah! Please, no!

Open!

-Richard! Rich!
-Richard! Rich!

-Rich!
-Help Me!

For God's sakes,
open the door!

-Rich! Rich!
-Rich!

-I can't see him anymore.
I can't see anything.

-Well, let's see if there's
another way into the room.

-[Whimpering]

-Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

-I poisoned myself once before
and I'll do it again,

or find another way.

-Haven't you learned
that my will to have you

is greater than
your will to die?

-Even if you keep me
prisoner for another 70 years,

you'll never have me!

-But I do have you.

I control your past,
your present,

and your future.

This time, there
will be no escape.

-Finders keepers,
losers weepers.

-David, throw that crap away.

-Why, because you say so?

-Because you don't drink,
you asshole,

and you'll only get sick.

God knows who's
touched it before you.

-I don't give a damn, honey!

I don't.
I really don't.

I mean, we're all probably
gonna die tonight anyways

so why not dead drunk, huh?
Why not?

-You're ridiculous.

-[Spits]

-I don't think there is
another way into that room.

-Oh, god.

So what do we do now?

Maybe we should get
Adrienne and Dave

and break into the room.

If the board is still in there.
-But then Carol's still

in there.

[Laughter echoing]

-That's Carol!

-I think it's
coming from over there.

Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Here, Carol.

Come and get me.

[Snapping fingers]
Here, Carol, Carol, Carol.

Ah, come on out
and play fair, huh?

Either kill me or get
me the hell out of here.

♪♪

I gotta take a leak.

Hey, what the hell
am I worried about?

This joint ain't the Ritz.

The whole place is a toilet.

[Unzips]

[Door creaking]

♪♪

Meegan?

Peter?

Must be for midget
ghosts or something.

-Duke, what are we doing here?

Please, let's just
get out of here.

Let's go find the others.

-No!

We're doing just
fine by ourselves.

Mister smart ass is
gonna find out real soon

I can get along just
great without him.

-I don't know.

I'd feel so much safer
if we were all together.

-What, are you saying,
you don't trust me now?

-No, I'm not.

-You don't think I
can take care of you.

Huh? Isn't that it?
Jesus Christ!

-Duke, I'm just scared!

Oh please.

-It's all right.

We'll get out of this soon.

I promise we'll get out of here.

♪♪

[Servant snarling]

[Gasps]

[Rattling]

♪♪

[Door creaks]

[Low snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

-David?

David! Wake up!

Wake up, I hear something!

-That's good.
Why don't you go back to sleep?

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, damn you.

Where are the others?

♪♪

[Creaking]

-You hear that?

[Creaking]

-Where's it coming from?

[Creaking]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-"May God forgive me.

This is the only way I know
to save myself from them."

I can't make out the signature.

-We're not the first.

-And you have just witnessed
the infamous

Farting Muck Men Attack Scene.

[Laughter]

What are Muck Men?

We don't know.

Why do they fart?

We don't know.

Why does gushing wine
turn them into mud puddles?

We don't know.

[Laughter]

There's a lot of creeping
in this movie,

creeping around.

In fact, does the were-cat do
anything except creep around?

He spies on everybody
but never takes any action.

He's apparently waiting for
his fellow creeper, Ghoul Carol,

to summon a beast
through the Super Ouija Board.

Meanwhile, we have the scenes
where Isabelle --

that's the name of Kreon's
beloved woman in white --

Isabelle vows that
"you will never have me,

even if you keep me
for another 70 years,"

revealing that she killed
herself 70 years ago

rather than be
with this sorry excuse

for a chess-playing sedentary
were-cat-loving warlock.

Isabelle is played
by Maria Pechukas,

who was born
in Washington, D.C.,

attended the famous "Fame"
high school,

New York's High School
for the Performing Arts,

where she won the Best Actor
Award in her senior year.

She had two other lead roles,

as "Valerie" in the 1992 lesbian
horror flick of the same name,

and Carmilla in 1998
in one of the umpteen versions

of the Carmilla story
that have been told.

Sadly she passed away in 2017,
she was just 50 years old.

Charlotte Seeley,
who plays Adrienne,

the British woman reclining
on a foldout sofa bed

and smoking while she barks
at her wimp husband,

she had a very racy resume.

She had done a lot of soft porn
film -- flicks in, um, France,

including one called
"Jailbait" in 1972,

when she was 16 years old,

and a notorious one called
"A Real Young Girl" in 1976,

in which she starred
as a 14-year-old

exploring her sexuality
in umpteen jillion ways.

She was also in "Emmanuelle 3"
in 1977,

but in her native England,
she actually played

the Virgin Mary in

Monty Python's
"The Life of Brian,"

which greatly
impressed the crew.

To show you how clueless
that British producer was,

the original version
of "Spookies,"

back when it was still being
filmed as "Twisted Souls,"

had zombie footage that featured
George Romero himself

attacking zombies while dressed
as Santa Claus on a motorcycle.

Lost forever!

It was part of the 45 minutes
that they cut out,

and it's gone,
footage destroyed.

Everybody who knew Roy Frumkes
at the School for Visual Arts

had worked on his documentary
on George Romero,

"Document of the Dead,"

and so Romero was friends
with the original team.

You know, if I took a poll of
our viewers,

and the only question
in the poll was,

"If you could only save one of
these two things,

which one would you save?

The home of Founding Father
John Jay,

or the scene where a bike-riding
George Romero

as Santa Claus
attacks zombies?"

We know which one
you would choose, right?!

The owners of this movie
were vandals and sadists.

Roll the film.

[Sighs]

"Emmanuelle 3"...

You know, I should have pointed
out that Charlotte Seeley

was in the real
"Emmanuelle" movies,

the ones with two M's,

not those single-M "Emanuelle"
ripoff movies.

"Emmanuelle 3" is actually
called "Goodbye Emmanuelle"

and it's the one
where Sylvia Kristel

goes with her husband
to the Seychelles --

where is that?

It's some French island.

And when they get there they
start doing

what they usually do, which is
have sex with anything

that moves, in all combinations,

but then her husband
starts to get weirded out

because this is the third movie
where she's been

aardvarking around
in increasingly kinky,

frequently lesbian, situations,

and she's spending so much time
with a film director

that he gets jealous,

so she has to dump her husband
so she can be free.

And by the way, that's not

"Emmanuelle 3:
A Lesson in Love,"

you know, "Emmanuelle 3," colon,
"A Lesson in Love,"

the -- that's a 1994
softcore flick

from the "Emmanuelle
in Space" series.

I thought it was the ill-advised
"Emmanuelle in Space" series,

although it had its moments.

But that's a whole different
Emmanuelle,

that's Krista Allen
from "Final Destination,"

she stepped into
the Sylvia Kristel role.

Charlotte Seeley plays Chloe
in the original,

which in 19--

actually, if you compared
the 1994

to the original,
in the 1994 version

you'd have
the character of Tasha,

the mistress of
the tantric arts.

There is no Chloe in 1994.

So you can -- so --

y-you can easily locate
the one I'm talking about.

Not that we need to get
too specific

about the "Emmanuelle" movies.

[Harmonica playing]

-[Servant growling low]

-As before you were,
as you are not now,

arise my servants.

Arise they go inviolate.

Arise and be free.

-[Snarling]

-David!
Wake up!

[Screams]

-[Snarling]
-[Screams]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

-[Snarling, munching]

-[Screams]

-[Snarling]

♪♪

[Snarling]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Snarls]
-[Gasps]

[Grunting]

[Crashes]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Heaves]

♪♪

-[Straining]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Death rattle]

-No matter what you do

or where you run,

I will win in the end.

-Peter?

Meegan?

Anybody?

Help me, please.

♪♪

-[Low snarl]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Why must you resist?

There's no escape.

Your future no longer
belongs to you.

It belongs to us.

-No!
Don't touch me!

Can't you see I've
always hated you?

-Is that any way to talk to
the father of your children?

-Children?

What do you mean children?

We have only one child.

-Oh! No, my darling.

We have many children.

-My God...

What have you done?

Tell me, what have you done?!

Would you like to see our son?

Would you like to see
our son?

Would you?
-Yes!

-Korda?

My darling one.

Your mother has returned to us.

Come...

Give her a kiss.

-Mama!

-[Screams]

-She won't go far.

The farther she gets from me,

the weaker she becomes.

-[Korda giggles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Peter, it's hopeless.

We can't fight this thing.

We can't.

-Look, this is not
the time to give in.

We've got to keep trying.

-There isn't a chance.

-Adrienne?
-David.

-Come to me, my darling.

I need you.

Just a little further.

-I can't!

I can't go any further.

David, take me out of here.

I've been looking
for you everywhere.

David, I'm so afraid.

[Snarling]

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Electricity crackles]

[Snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

[Squeaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[High-pitched giggling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Shrill cackling]

♪♪

[Cackling]

♪♪

[Cackling]

♪♪

[Shrieky cackling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Maniacal cackling]

♪♪

-We haven't heard
anything for a while.

I wonder if any of the others
are still alive.

-I don't know.

♪♪

♪♪

[Shouting]

-Oh, my God, I'm so
happy to see you guys.

I told you we'd find them, Duke.

-Hasn't anybody seen Carol,
or the others, or anything?

-Not Carol, but we almost
got our tickets punched.

-In the basement,
it was horrible.

-What?
-What happened?

-I don't know.

These things came
out of the ground.

They tried to kill me.
I don't know what they were.

-This is a nightmare.

-Didn't you see
anything of the others,

Adrienne and Dave, or Rich?

-I-I thought he went with you.

-We got separated.

We don't know if
he's dead or alive.

-Yeah, well I wouldn't give you
50/50 odds

of him coming out on top,
not after what we saw.

-What are you talking about?

-Dave is dead.

I don't know about Adrienne,
but she's probably finished too.

-None of us are gonna
get out of here alive,

none of us.
-We're gonna make it, okay?

-Why don't you shut the hell up?
-Why don't you take it easy?

-Nobody counts
Duke Green out that easy,

especially you,
Meegan, especially you.

-Yeah, well this
isn't so funny, dorko!

Can't win against things.

-I told you to shut up.

You don't know nothing,
you stupid bitch!

-Oh, stop it!
-Get away.

-Hey!

♪♪

-Leave them alone, they've been
dying to do this all night.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Black wicked soul,

arise with your dark minions.

Arise and be free.

♪♪

Arise.

Estrella, arise.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where the hell am I?

[Creaking]

-This way.

I can help you
find your friends.

-What is this?

-I'm trapped here
the same as you.

But hurry, we must hurry.

-Wait a minute!

Just what the hell
is going on here?

-I told you there is no time.
Do you want to die here?

♪♪

This is the way out to
your friends and safety.

There is nothing
to be afraid of.

Trust me, mister Adam.

-Hey, you know my name.

How?
-Your friends.

They spoke of you.

-Don't believe
everything you hear, lady.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Ready to go another round?

-I'm ready to finish you off!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-We've gotta stop 'em.

-Big guy.

♪♪

-We're trapped!

-No way!

-Destroyer of bodies,

taker of souls,

arise and be free.

Arise.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Raspy breath]
-[Screaming]

♪♪

-Oh, my God, no!

-Ah, shit!

-Duke!

♪♪

-The door!

♪♪

-Linda, come here.

-Have faith, Linda!
-I can't!

-Come over here, get out!
-I can't make it!

-Hurry up!
-[Screams]

[Groaning]

-Mister Adam?

-What?
-Now, the time has come.

-For what?
-This place has been my home,

my prison for an eternity.

-What are you, nuts
or something lady?

What's going on, damn it?

Where are my friends?
Tell me!

-They're dead, Mr. Adam,

as I am, as you are.

-[Screaming]

[Muffled screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Creaking]

-Now, the time has come.

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

-She's losing a lot of blood.

We gotta stop.

-Let's go in there.

-[Groaning]

-Come on.

♪♪

-Ow, ow!

Oh, Christ, my leg feels
like it's on fire!

-Just hold on.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You know, there's a lot of
information on the back of

the VHS box of "Spookies"
that would be helpful,

if you want to read this before
you watch the movie.

I think Spider Woman
goes through

four separate transformations

before that whatever-it-is
comes out of her mouth

and kills the goofball
trapped in the web.

That was Soo Paek
as the Spider Woman --

her only role in film history.

And that was A.J. Lowenthal
as Korda,

the son of Kreon and Isabelle,

his only role in film history.

I'm not sure how they had
a son together

and why he appears to still be
in elementary school

after 70 years,
but there you have it --

heir to Kreon's empire,
such as it is,

a paleface boy in a monk's hood.

I don't know 'bout you,
but I wanna watch that struggle

between Ghoul Carol
and the lizard creature

over and over and over again.

The lizard survives
the fire poker,

survives the pottery-hurling,

survives the head injury,

but can't survive
chest-of-drawers-crushing.

So far I'm counting
74 subplots in this movie,

that's about 50 less than
"Game of Thrones."

But, you know,
it's a screenwriting miracle.

One interesting thing
that happened during filming

was that a coven of real witches
showed up one day

and asked if they could do
some sort of

a Wiccan blessing on the house.

Now, this was actually before
the filmmakers had started

using the interior of the house,

and so Faulkner,
the co-director, told them,

"Okay, you can go inside
for a little bit."

So a production assistant
let them in,

and after about 20 minutes
Faulkner told the P.A.,

"Go back inside
and tell them to leave."

But when he went up
to find them, they had vanished.

There was only one way to get in
and out,

so nobody knows how they left
the building.

The problem with this movie,
as I pointed out before,

is that you don't know
where it's goin'.

You don't know what you're
supposed to be

waiting to find out.

We already know that the bride
is alive

and she doesn't wanna be.

We don't really care
about any of these partygoers,

so we don't know
which ones to root for.

We don't know where
the creatures are coming from

or why there's
so many different types of 'em.

We don't know how killing
tourists is contributing

to the youth of Isabelle.

We don't know why they needed
the 13-year-old boy

in the opening scene,

and why he was out there
in the first place,

and why he was expected to light
a stranger's cigarette.

We don't really know anything.

And so, like I say,
retire your brain,

put your normally questioning
self in storage,

as we approach the zombie-filled
climax of "Spookies."

Roll it.

The line producer on this
and the directors,

they all had zombie experience.

They had played zombies
in George Romero movies.

So when they went to the local
high school

to hire the zombie actors,
they went all out.

There are 54 credited zombies,

but I really think
there are more than that

in the scenes that
we're about to watch.

The actress who played Isabelle

was especially proud
of these scenes --

she was expecting it to lead to
many more horror roles,

but unfortunately for her,
the film was destined instead

for the USA Network's
"Up All Night,"

where they made vicious fun
of it and played it to death.

Helping video sales greatly,
however.

And Michael Lee did get his
money back and more,

even without the help
of the title "Bowel Erupters."

[Laughter]

You know, I have a confession to
make, though:

I-I would go to a movie called
"Bowel Erupters."

I wouldn't tell anybody,
but I'd go.

[Laughter]

-The door isn't gonna
hold very long.

We gotta get moving soon.

-She's very weak, Peter.

-I need a few more minutes.

Please, just...

-Go out the window.

Get out on the ledge.

♪♪

♪♪

-Open! Open!
Come on!

Oh no!

♪♪

[Indistinct screaming]

-Oh, Christ, he's
come out after us!

♪♪

♪♪

[Hissing]

[Explosion]

♪♪

-Come on, let's get back inside.

Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

-What?

What is it?

-I don't really know.

♪♪

It looks like Carol --
the thing that took over Carol.

Look here,
this man in the picture.

The ring on the hand
is identical

to the ring on that
mummy downstairs.

-And the Ouija board.
-Yeah, but without

the demon figures.

This guy was an occultist
or a ghost hunter or something

judging from all this stuff.

♪♪

♪♪

[Thud]
-Oh, my god!

-Watch out, that's acid.

-That's not acid,
not any kind we know.

[Kreon laughing]

-Soon, even those
fools will realize

it is I who controls the
movement of all my players.

♪♪

-That man, he may have found
a way to fight these demons.

Maybe it was some dark secret
locked away in these papers

that he managed to unearth.

I don't know.
Maybe he never knew.

But I do know this --
I want to live.

I think the way to do that
is to make our way downstairs

and get ahold of that vial.

We don't have much
more to lose now.

-What about Carol?

-Let's at least try to even
out the odds a little bit

and after all we've seen,

we won't have to go
looking for Carol.

She's gonna come looking for us.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Kreon laughing]

-What fools.

They flatter themselves.

What makes them think their
lives are worth saving?

Well, perhaps I
should let them live.

-No!

-Are you ready to kill?

-Yes, father!

-Any man with a weapon
can commit murder,

but it's such a waste.

A sorcerer's son must
learn to use death

to control the force of life.

This is the source of our power.

♪♪

-Your time has come now.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What happened to the lights?

♪♪

[Popping, screams]

-Join us.

♪♪

-Aah!

-I said, join us.

♪♪

You think I would
let you escape?

I have enjoyed your resistance.

You are very amusing.

Why?
[Chuckles]

We only want your souls.

Your sacrifice will allow
more worthy beings

to live once again.

No one should miss you.

-Now, you must prove to me

that you can harness this power.

You must concentrate.

You must have a clear
image of every detail.

We no longer need Carol.

They are your toys now.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Do with them as you wish.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

My victims walk into
the lair of the dead.

They are all my children

and I am their ultimate lord.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I know now what I must do.

♪♪

Perhaps I've always known.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-It is only your resistance
that's killing you.

Love me and you'll be free.

♪♪

-How can you speak of love?

You're torturing me.

-Torturing you?

It is you who are torturing me.

I have devoted my life
and the life of many others

that you might live again.

-Love?
How could I love you

when I've never learned
how to love?

♪♪

-Let my love teach you.

Tell me that you will love me,

that you will love
me for all time.

-I will love you for all time.

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder crashing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Mama, mama.

-[Screams]
-Ma-a-a-a.

[Rumbling, groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Let go of me!
[Sobbing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Growling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Let me go!

♪♪

Let me go!

♪♪

♪♪

Help!

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Zombies moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-Lady, what are
you doing in my car?

-Help me!

-Move over.

-Hurry!

[Starts engine]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rumbling]

♪♪

-I can't believe it.
I'm finally free.

-But you're not free.

Don't you realize I've
always loved you too?

-[Screams]

♪♪

-[Laughs maniacally]

[Kreon's laughter echoing]

[Korda giggling]

[Laughter echoing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-So everybody
in the original cast dies,

and everybody in the
"additional footage" cast lives!

So that makes it easier to
figure out which is which.

In case you couldn't tell
the difference, let me recap.

The original footage
for the movie "Twisted Souls"

consists of all the travelers
who arrive in two cars

and all the monsters
and effects inside the house,

including the demon
Ouija woman, the Muck Men,

the spider woman,
the snake demons,

the lizard creature,
the Grim Reaper.

Added later, by a new director
with a new cast,

were the boy looking
for his birthday party,

the man in the tree,
the cat-man assistant,

the sorcerer warlock,
the girl he keeps in her coffin,

most of the zombies,
the witch in the basement,

and the son of the warlock.

So it went from a haunted house
with secrets

to a house run by a warlock
seeking souls to suck blood

out of to sustain his beloved.

But it doesn't
really fit together

and so you end up
with a lot of creeping around

and a lot of non sequiturs
and no real climax

because the people in danger

never see
the master manipulator --

he's in another movie.

Literally.

The original directors,

Brendan Faulkner
and Thomas Doran,

never recovered from
the heartache of this movie.

They had known each other
since first grade,

they shared a love of drawing
and comic books and horror,

and their friendship continued

right up until Thomas Doran
passed away in 2016.

They had worked together
on footage

that was used in the movies
"Doctor Butcher M.D."

and "Igor and the Lunatics,"

but they never again
had a movie of their own,

although Brendan Faulkner
did a movie on his own

called "Killer Dead."

They never spoke
to Eugenie Joseph,

the director
who took over after them,

and she said years later
she was perplexed

that they could hold a grudge
for 30 years.

She directed one more feature,

"Invasion of the Mindbenders,"

and then moved back
to her home state of Hawaii,

where she became
a radio talk-show host,

a newspaper columnist,

a licensed minister,
a creativity coach,

a relationship coach,

and co-produced a series
for Nickelodeon

called "Beyond the Break."

Peter Iasillo, who played
the comic relief character,

had 40 small roles in film
before his death in 2017.

And nobody knows what happened
to Michael Lee,

the busybody executive
producer from London

who financed
the whole thing.

Frank Farel went on to
co-produce "Street Trash"

in 1987,

and had the distinction
of having his penis

ripped off onscreen

in the famous
penis football scene.

He later took a job working for
a Pakistani television network.

I'm not making that up.

The movie itself bombed
at the box office,

but then it made a couple
million on home video

thanks to the Richard Corben
box art

commissioned by Sony.

They got one of the best guys
in the business

to do the box art
on this movie,

Richard Corben.

Interestingly, in 2018,

somebody called up
the caretakers

of the John Jay Estate,
and said,

"You know that 1838 front door
that used to be on the building?

I have it -- you know, the one
that's been missing

for 30 years?"
And they said,

"How do you know that you have
the door for the building?"

And the guy said,
"I saw it in the movie,"

and so he returned it, and it's
now back on the house.

So, come on over, Darcy,
what is it about --

Oh! Isabelle!
I should say "Isabelle"!

You always have
that perfect detail --

you -- you broke off the arm of
one of the zombies

when you were running through
the graveyard.

-I had to escape.
[Laughter]

Um, what is it about "Spookies"
that keeps it coming back

again and again
like a bad nightmare?

-It's just silly fun.

It has really great effects,

especially the Grim Reaper.

-Why does
the Grim Reaper explode

when he falls off the roof?

-Um, I don't know.
That's his only flaw.

He looks amazing, and then...

Poof!

-All right, it's time
for the Silver Bolo Award

for excellence
in horror media, and, um --

I almost said the "coveted"
Silver Bolo Award.

Are we coveted?

-I think we're getting there.

People have started
nominating themselves.

-Does that --
is that a good thing?

Does that work,
when you nominate yourself?

-Yeah, sometimes, but I think
it's a little better

if other people nominate you.

-Okay, who's the latest winner

-Ghastly Grinning!
-Love it.

-A website with a single goal:
to make horror fans happy.

-Not always easy to do.
Okay.

-They focus on the positive and
the academic side of the genre.

-The academic side?

Y-you usually don't like
the academic side.

-But they're fun; they cover
a wide variety

of horror-related topics

and their reviews
are very detailed and in-depth.

-And who is the --

it's called Ghastly Grinning,
right?

Who is the Ghastly Grinning
head grinner?

-That would by Ryan Larson
of Carmichael, California,

who, I would like to say,
was nominated by

an awful lot of people because
they see him as

a beacon of positivity.
-Okay.

Excellent.
Yuki!

Please see that this
genuine silver bolo

makes its way to Ryan Larson

and the Ghastly Grinning
in-house staff in California,

with all due haste, Yuki.

All right, Darcy, that's --

that's another week
in the books.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs,
reminding everyone

to always drink
upstream from the herd.

The drive-in will never die.

Did I tell you the one
about the moose hunters

with the cow costume?
-No.

-These two hunters went moose
hunting every year

and had no success at all.

So they came up with what they
thought was a foolproof plan.

They got themselves
a very authentic costume

for a female moose

and they learned the mating call
of a cow moose in heat.

And so the plan was, they're
gonna lure the bull moose

into a clearing,
jump out of the costume

and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up
on the edge of a clearing,

in their costume, and they begin
to give the moose love call.

So, before too long,
their call is answered

by a bull
in the forest.

They call again,
the bull answers again,

he's closer this time.

They call again,
this time the bull

comes crashing out of the forest
and into the clearing.

Guy in the front of the costume
says, "Okay, let's get him."

The guy in the back
of the costume screams,

"The zipper's stuck,
what are we gonna do?!"

And the guy in the front says,
"Well, I'm gonna start

nibbling grass,
but you better brace yourself."

[Laughter]

♪♪

You know, after all that,

I still don't think I understand
the plot of "Spookies."

You know what we need?

We need one of those
custom rap songs,

like at the end of
"Maniac Cop 2" last week,

but I don't know where we--

John!
-Yo!

[Hip-hop beat playing]

[Muck Men farting]

-♪ We got a guy named Duke
and a puppet named Mook ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Billy,
here's a bunch of balloons ♪

♪ You're gonna be buried alive
very soon ♪

♪ By a cat-boy in a gold vest,
it's confusin' ♪

♪ Who is this older guy
in the gray suit? ♪

♪ He's hangin' out with teens,
it's inexplicable ♪

♪ And who's this other guy up in
the attic? ♪

♪ Talkin' to a princess,
startin' some static ♪

♪ He seems to like chess,
does he own the mansion? ♪

♪ But we're not offered
any plot expansion ♪

♪ Here comes the Ouija board,
Yuki, what's a "Spookie"? ♪

-I have no idea what's going on
this movie.

-♪ Hey, we watched "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusin' movie ♪

♪ Hey, we watched "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusin' movie ♪

♪ Hey, we watched "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusin' movie ♪

♪ Hey, we watched "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusin' movie ♪

-So is it the Ouija board
or the guy in the attic

who wakes up the spooks?
-I don't know!

♪♪

-♪ Yo, I'm a Spookie
and I'm here to say ♪

♪ I'm really, really spooky
in a major way ♪

♪ You're talkin' trash
about the plot ♪

♪ Is that all you got? ♪

♪ The "Street Trash" director
was a Steadicam op ♪

-♪ Jim Muro ♪
-♪ The only thing we need ♪

♪ Are spooky grills,
so sit back, relax ♪

♪ And take a chill pill ♪

♪ Or drown-out your sorrows
in alcohol ♪

♪ While we lay out this very
super-spooky roll call ♪

♪ Spider spookie,
child spookie ♪

♪ Grim Reaper spookie,
Dolly spookie ♪

♪ Fartin' spookies,
keep fartin', spookies ♪

♪ Yuki spookie ♪
-I'm not a spookie!

♪ Hey, we watched "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusin' movie ♪

♪ Hey, we watched "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusin' movie ♪

♪ Hey, we watched "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusin' movie ♪

♪ Hey, we watched "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusin' movie ♪

[Kreon's laughter echoing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪