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1
00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:12,708
[theme music]
2
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Come on, kids.
3
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Now, don't dawdle.
4
00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:32,728
You better hurry up or
you'll be late for school.
5
00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:35,339
I'm through.
6
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:36,732
Coming, shrimp, or
are you going to cross
7
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the street by yourself?
8
00:00:38,473 --> 00:00:40,083
No, I want to wait a minute
until Daddy comes down.
9
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:41,476
I want to ask him for something.
10
00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:42,520
Like what?
11
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Like a new pair of skates.
12
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,089
I broke a wheel
out of my old pair.
13
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:49,701
You are going to ask Dad
for a new pair of skates
14
00:00:49,832 --> 00:00:52,226
before he's even had
his first cup of coffee?
15
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,357
That's right.
16
00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:54,967
Oh, kid.
17
00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:59,146
You must be in an awful hurry
to lose your baby teeth.
18
00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:00,625
What do you mean?
19
00:01:00,756 --> 00:01:03,454
It is suicide to
ask him for anything
20
00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:05,543
before he's had his breakfast.
21
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,284
It is?
22
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:09,721
Well you have a lot to learn
about parents psychology.
23
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I do?
24
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:12,681
Do you know what
word parents use
25
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:15,858
more often than any other
word in the English language?
26
00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:16,728
No.
27
00:01:16,859 --> 00:01:18,295
That's the word, no.
28
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:22,256
When you ask a
parent for something,
29
00:01:22,386 --> 00:01:23,953
the odds are they're
going to say no.
30
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,216
So you got to improve
the percentages.
31
00:01:26,347 --> 00:01:27,783
Well, how do you do that?
32
00:01:27,913 --> 00:01:28,958
DANNY: Kathy!
33
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,045
KATHY: Yeah?
34
00:01:30,176 --> 00:01:31,178
DANNY: Breakfast ready?
35
00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:32,918
KATHY: On the table.
36
00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:34,137
I don't know why I'm going
to stick my neck out for you,
37
00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:35,312
but I am.
38
00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:36,357
Now, don't ask
him for the skates
39
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:37,009
until I give you the nod, OK?
40
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,009
OK.
41
00:01:44,015 --> 00:01:44,930
Good morning, Dad.
42
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:45,844
Good morning.
43
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:46,889
Good morning, Daddy.
44
00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:48,020
How'd the show go last night?
45
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,066
Please, don't remind me.
46
00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:51,067
Oh, tough audience?
47
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:52,547
He wasn't an audience.
48
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He was a jury.
49
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,681
Oh, he may have
started out that way.
50
00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:58,030
But I'll bet before
the night was over,
51
00:01:58,161 --> 00:02:01,860
you had him in the
palm of your hand.
52
00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:03,949
You know your dad
pretty good, don't you?
53
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:04,820
Oh.
54
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:06,735
Yes sir, I certainly do.
55
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:09,303
I mean-- I mean, I
know the way you work.
56
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:10,390
You-- you never quit.
57
00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:11,348
Yeah.
58
00:02:11,478 --> 00:02:13,611
Take a tip for me, son.
59
00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:14,917
Don't go into show business.
60
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,788
It sure takes a lot out of you.
61
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:18,399
Oh, I don't know.
62
00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:19,878
You don't look like it's
taking anything out of you.
63
00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:22,142
You look great, more
handsome than ever.
64
00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:26,798
Oh.
65
00:02:26,929 --> 00:02:27,669
Thank you, son.
66
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:28,583
[WHISPERING] Now?
67
00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:29,497
Not yet.
68
00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:32,064
Not yet.
69
00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:33,327
What do you mean not yet?
70
00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:34,241
Hmm?
71
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:35,894
What's not yet?
72
00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:38,897
Oh, did that
sound like not yet?
73
00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:42,031
Yeah, it sounded like not yet.
74
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,989
I meant the knot you get--
75
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,426
A knot I get?
76
00:02:45,555 --> 00:02:46,949
Yeah, yeah, the knot
you get in your tie--
77
00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:49,038
when you tie your tie.
78
00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:50,039
Oh.
I like it.
79
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,475
Yeah.
80
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:52,607
I wish you'd show me how
to tie them like that.
81
00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:53,869
Oh.
82
00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:55,000
Why don't you remind
me some evening?
83
00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:56,437
I will.
84
00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:58,003
You know, when you got
a dad with good taste,
85
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why not take advantage of it?
86
00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:00,615
That's what I always say.
Right, Linda?
87
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:01,529
Oh, yeah.
88
00:03:01,659 --> 00:03:03,226
That's right.
89
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:04,271
Is that coffee hot enough?
90
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:05,185
Shall I get you some fresh?
91
00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:06,098
No, this is fine.
92
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:07,578
It's fine, thank you.
93
00:03:07,709 --> 00:03:09,319
Good news, you got a
letter from Uncle Tonoose
94
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:10,712
this morning.
- Really?
95
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:12,061
Yeah, it's right there
on top of the pile.
96
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,062
Wow.
97
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,759
That is good news.
98
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,413
You always enjoy hearing
from Uncle Tonoose, don't you?
99
00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:17,327
Yes.
100
00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:18,502
I certainly do.
101
00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:20,287
He writes the most
comical letters.
102
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,245
It kind of starts a day
off right, doesn't it?
103
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:24,291
Make things kind of
bright and cheery.
104
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:26,118
Yes, it certainly does.
105
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:28,382
Daddy dear.
106
00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:29,687
What are you--
107
00:03:29,818 --> 00:03:31,341
Daddy, lover.
108
00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:33,300
What do you mean he's
going to send me your cousin?
109
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:34,170
Daddy?
110
00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:35,519
What do you want?
111
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:36,477
Can I have a new
pair of roller skates?
112
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:37,565
No, you certainly cannot.
113
00:03:37,695 --> 00:03:39,349
Get out of here.
114
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,829
My kids taking advantage of me,
my uncle takes advantage of me.
115
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,875
Everybody takes-- Kathy!
116
00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:46,051
Kathy!
117
00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:49,011
What are you,
some kind of a nut?
118
00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:50,491
What do you want from me?
119
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:53,233
The wind changed.
120
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:54,668
I can't help it.
121
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Uncle Tonoose wrote him
something in his letter.
122
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,195
Oh, come on.
123
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,719
Why does everybody
take me for a pet?
124
00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:04,287
What-- all I need to
do is witness some kid
125
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:05,854
who wants to be a comic?
Oh.
126
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:07,551
Oh, honey.
127
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:09,161
It won't hurt you to devote
a few hours to a relative.
128
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,380
Few hours?
129
00:04:10,511 --> 00:04:11,512
You realize what
this entails to take
130
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,470
a green kid polish his act?
131
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,994
Take him out, and get managers
to see him in audition, trying
132
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:17,952
to get him an agent,
get him a few bookings,
133
00:04:18,082 --> 00:04:19,737
plus doing three shows a night?
134
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:22,392
And all go to an Uncle of
mine thinks I'm a machine.
135
00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:23,741
Holy smokes.
136
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:25,221
Why does he have to
send the kid to me?
137
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,005
Well, after all,
he is your cousin.
138
00:04:27,136 --> 00:04:29,486
And you know what they say,
blood is thicker than water.
139
00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:30,574
Yeah, yeah.
140
00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:31,923
You know what I say?
141
00:04:32,054 --> 00:04:33,098
We need thicker water
and thinner blood.
142
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:34,099
That's nice.
143
00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:39,496
Oh, Danny, stop growling.
144
00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:41,803
It wouldn't hurt you to
give the boy a little help.
145
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:44,196
Everybody needs some
help one time or another.
146
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:46,111
It wouldn't hurt people
to do things on their own
147
00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:47,330
either, you know.
148
00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,811
Oh, honey, think a minute.
149
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:52,161
Don't be such a grouch.
150
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,729
You know, it seems
to me that both of us
151
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:56,687
remember a certain
fellow from Ohio
152
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:59,124
with a funny nose who
needed all the help
153
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:03,303
he could get the first time
he landed in the big town.
154
00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:06,915
He knocked around plenty
looking for a break.
155
00:05:07,045 --> 00:05:08,917
Yeah.
156
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:10,614
I remember that pretty well.
157
00:05:10,745 --> 00:05:12,007
Now, look at him.
158
00:05:12,137 --> 00:05:14,662
One of the greatest
comedians of our time.
159
00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,490
Known all over the world.
160
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,753
Oh, stop exaggerating.
161
00:05:18,883 --> 00:05:20,189
I was exaggerating?
162
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,627
Everybody knows Bob Hope.
163
00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:25,673
Yeah, that's--
164
00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:27,979
Bob Hope?
165
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,067
Bob Hope?
166
00:05:33,202 --> 00:05:34,246
Hi, Charley.
167
00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:35,639
- Hi, Dan.
- The kid get here yet?
168
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:36,945
No.
169
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:38,294
I told him to be
here at 1 o'clock.
170
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:39,774
Well, if we're lucky,
maybe he got lost.
171
00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:40,818
Oh, Charley.
172
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:42,211
Don't give me, oh, Charley.
173
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,126
Why do you drag me into
your family problems?
174
00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:45,606
I got nothing to
do but interview
175
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:46,650
kids who want to be comics.
176
00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:47,521
What am I going to do?
177
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:48,565
He's my fifth cousin.
178
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:49,957
I can't say no to a relative.
179
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:50,915
I can say no to him.
180
00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:52,656
I'm not a relative.
181
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:55,529
I'm just a friend who would
like to be a total stranger.
182
00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:57,269
It's not like you.
183
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,446
Here's a kid, he
comes to the big town.
184
00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:01,230
His hat and his hand
begging for a break.
185
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,579
Is it going to hurt
you to listen to him?
186
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,799
Look, you might be
discovering a new star.
187
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:05,756
Oh, come on.
188
00:06:05,887 --> 00:06:06,844
Why?
189
00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:09,586
It happened before, you know.
190
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:12,850
Matter of fact, you
and I know pretty well
191
00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:14,635
who that happened to.
192
00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:15,897
Yeah.
193
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:17,464
I take it you're
referring to that scared
194
00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,204
kid fresh from Ohio.
195
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,685
The one with the funny nose.
196
00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:23,557
That's the one.
197
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,863
I gave him his first break.
198
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:29,563
Yeah, Charley, and I'll
always be grateful for that.
199
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:31,434
You'll always be grateful
because I helped Bob Hope?
200
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:35,482
By the way, your wife
wants you to bring
201
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:36,570
home 2 pounds of corned beef.
202
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,528
That's what I thought.
203
00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:41,488
Oh, speaking of messages, Sam
Weisbord called this morning.
204
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:43,098
He wants you to
appear in a benefit
205
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:45,274
at the Madison Square Garden.
206
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,710
Wants me to appear
at the garden?
207
00:06:46,841 --> 00:06:47,668
Yeah.
208
00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:48,843
He's out of his mind.
209
00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:49,800
You're not going to do it?
210
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:51,454
Certainly not.
211
00:06:51,585 --> 00:06:54,631
Me doing a solo comic act
in front of 25,000 people
212
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,024
over a loudspeaker system?
213
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:58,940
I'll lay an egg big
enough to feed them all.
214
00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:01,551
You know, I know it's a tough
house, but Sam said he's stuck
215
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:02,422
and needs another act.
216
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,814
That's too bad.
217
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,337
Tell him to get the
Marine Band or something
218
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:07,165
or a circus sideshow.
219
00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:08,819
Why don't he get an elephant?
220
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:09,820
I told him that.
221
00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:10,995
That's when they thought of you.
222
00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:15,304
Maybe they show
you on profile.
223
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,262
Oh, shut up.
224
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:20,570
Now look, let's forget all
about the Madison Square Garden.
225
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:23,704
When the kid gets here,
treat him gently, will you?
226
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:26,750
It is his sense to be shy
especially in front of me.
227
00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:28,099
I mean, according
to Uncle Tonoose
228
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:29,884
he's got me on some
kind of a pedestal.
229
00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:31,407
Well, it's not
unusual, you know.
230
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,017
A lot of kids going for
some kind of hero worship.
231
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,105
Yeah.
232
00:07:34,236 --> 00:07:35,672
Yeah.
233
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:39,763
Some take Roy Rogers,
others take Mickey Mantle,
234
00:07:39,894 --> 00:07:42,070
others take John F. Kennedy.
235
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:42,984
He took me.
236
00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:44,072
Well, sure.
237
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:47,467
All the good ones were taken.
238
00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:49,817
You don't want to
play the Garden?
239
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:53,081
When I decide to commit
suicide, I'll play the Garden.
240
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,126
[phone buzzing]
241
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:56,911
Yeah?
242
00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:58,216
OK, send him in.
243
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:00,088
He's here.
244
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:02,699
Be nice to him, hear?
245
00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:05,397
Well, Don, how are you, son?
246
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:07,138
I haven't seen you
in a long time.
247
00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:08,313
How are things at home?
- Fine.
248
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:09,619
Thank you.
- Good, good, good.
249
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,099
Now, don't you worry.
Don't be nervous.
250
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,579
I'm going to do everything
I can to help you.
251
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:14,537
Uncle Tonoose said
to say, [arabic]..
252
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:17,018
You tell him I said,
[speaking arabic]..
253
00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:18,976
Now, come and meet Mr.
Helper, who owns the Copa.
254
00:08:19,107 --> 00:08:19,847
Nice to meet you.
255
00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:20,891
My cousin, Don Penny.
256
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:21,979
Glad to meet you, Don.
257
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:23,067
Sit down, son.
258
00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:24,416
Make yourself right at home.
259
00:08:24,547 --> 00:08:26,201
Look, Tonoose didn't
say much about you
260
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:29,204
in the letter, so
suppose you fill us in.
261
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,118
Yeah, why don't you.
262
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:31,119
What do you do?
263
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:32,686
Sing, dance, tell jokes?
264
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,034
Now, don't be nervous, son.
265
00:08:34,164 --> 00:08:36,254
You tell Mr. Helper what you do.
266
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:37,734
Well, it's not what I do.
267
00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:39,475
It's how I do it.
268
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:40,389
How do you do it?
269
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,912
Sensationally.
270
00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:48,310
What is it you do
so sensationally?
271
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,573
I sing like Crosby,
I dance like Astaire,
272
00:08:50,704 --> 00:08:51,748
and I tell jokes like Hope.
273
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,144
You do?
274
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:57,362
A little
frightening, isn't it?
275
00:09:00,714 --> 00:09:02,890
I suppose you also
play drums like Krupa,
276
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:04,587
clarinet like Goodman,
and piano like Previn.
277
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:05,501
I don't know.
278
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:06,546
I never tried.
279
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:11,376
Yeah.
280
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,378
Just one more question,
Mr. Wonderful.
281
00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:15,163
What's that?
282
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:18,035
Uh, how long have you had this
terrible inferiority complex?
283
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,777
I beg your pardon?
284
00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:25,173
Son, uh, why don't you,
uh, show us a little of what
285
00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:26,957
you do, instead of just
talking about it, huh?
286
00:09:27,088 --> 00:09:29,830
You mean audition?
287
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,310
Yeah.
288
00:09:32,441 --> 00:09:34,617
You don't have to
audition the whole act.
289
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:37,881
Just, uh-- just do one or
two unforgettable moments.
290
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:39,665
Why don't we lie down on
the floor, so we won't have
291
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,711
too far to fall when we faint.
292
00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:43,583
Well, I don't see any
reason for me to audition.
293
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:54,332
Well, I'd like to see what
you do so I can help you.
294
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:55,246
Oh, I don't need any help.
295
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:56,421
Uh, the act is perfect.
296
00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:58,989
I'm ready for stardom.
297
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,340
I-- I'm not so sure
stardom is ready for you.
298
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:03,603
Well, all I really
need is a booking.
299
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,300
I'll take care of
the rest myself.
300
00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:07,824
A booking.
301
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,653
Where do you suppose would be
a nice place for him to start?
302
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:13,438
The gorilla cage
at the Bronx Zoo?
303
00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:14,657
No.
304
00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:17,573
I-- I think Madison
Square Garden--
305
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:21,185
nice intimate place
for a solo comic.
306
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:22,447
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
307
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:23,361
Yeah.
308
00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:24,536
That's a good idea.
309
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:25,712
We'll start you at
the garden, son.
310
00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:27,365
Madison-- Madison
Square Garden?
311
00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:28,932
- That's right.
- OK.
312
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,455
I guess that's as good a
place to start as any, huh?
313
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,109
Yes, it is.
314
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,285
Uh, after the
garden, where do I go?
315
00:10:34,415 --> 00:10:38,594
I would say, uh,
the Mayo Clinic.
316
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,378
Don't worry about that.
317
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:43,207
If you're as good as you say you
are and have all that talent,
318
00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:45,035
after the Garden, I'm sure
you'll have to be beating
319
00:10:45,165 --> 00:10:46,863
the agents away with a club.
320
00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:48,343
That's true.
321
00:10:48,473 --> 00:10:50,388
Well, I guess I'd better
get back to the hotel
322
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:52,129
and tell the folks that
I'm playing the Garden.
323
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:53,522
You do that.
324
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,219
It's a good idea to
notify next of kin.
325
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,053
Wow.
Woo!
326
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,315
You know, it would
serve him right if you
327
00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:05,882
put him on at the Garden?
328
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,449
That's exactly
what I'm going to do.
329
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:08,363
Oh, you're not serious.
330
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:10,365
I am.
331
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:11,758
That boy needs to be clobbered.
332
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,542
He's a monster.
333
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,892
They'll beat him to a pulp in
the Garden, put him in a box,
334
00:11:16,023 --> 00:11:18,547
and send him back to the
Ohio State Home for the Numb.
335
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,201
I have never seen
such an ego on a kid.
336
00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:21,419
I-- I couldn't believe my ears.
337
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:22,725
This'll do him a lot of good.
338
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:24,509
We'll give him a
lesson in humility.
339
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,035
He needs a lesson
in smoking, too.
340
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:31,038
[music playing]
341
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:33,214
Well, hello, Mr. Wonderful.
342
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:35,085
Uh, I hope you don't
mind me coming to see you,
343
00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:36,086
cousin Danny.
- No.
344
00:11:36,217 --> 00:11:37,740
Our humble abode is honored.
345
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:38,741
I didn't know you were coming.
346
00:11:38,872 --> 00:11:41,222
I'd have lit the incense.
347
00:11:41,352 --> 00:11:42,484
Sit down.
Sit down.
348
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:43,485
I'm working on an arrangement.
349
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:44,790
I'll be with you in a minute.
350
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:51,232
I didn't mean to bother you.
351
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:54,017
Then why do you?
352
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:55,410
Well, I-- I've got
a couple of routines
353
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:56,846
that I'm not too sure of.
354
00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,761
I thought maybe you
could help me with them.
355
00:11:58,892 --> 00:11:59,849
Me?
356
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:02,373
Me help the perfect act?
357
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:03,766
Perfect act?
358
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,550
Why, sure.
359
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:08,423
Anybody who sings like Crosby,
dances like Astaire, and tells
360
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:11,513
jokes like Hope has
got the perfect act.
361
00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:13,210
That's true.
362
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:14,908
Oh, my gosh.
363
00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:16,605
Uh, except that you've got
things mixed up a little.
364
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,259
I beg your pardon?
365
00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:19,782
Well, I sing like Hope.
366
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:20,827
I dance like Crosby.
367
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:22,176
And I tell jokes like Astaire.
368
00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:27,834
That's not what you said
at the office yesterday.
369
00:12:27,964 --> 00:12:28,878
Yeah.
370
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:31,141
I really put it on, didn't I?
371
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:32,360
Put it on?
372
00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:34,754
Boy, Mr. Halper
really fell for it.
373
00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:36,538
Huh?
374
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:38,845
Boy, that Sammy Jacobs really
knows what he's talking about.
375
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,629
I'd like to know what
you're talking about.
376
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,413
Who is Sammy Jacobs?
377
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:44,372
Sammy Jacobs is the director
of one of the little theater
378
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:45,634
groups in Toledo.
379
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:46,766
Oh, he knows all
about show business.
380
00:12:46,896 --> 00:12:47,984
He advised me.
381
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,594
He told me, when
you get to New York,
382
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,466
you've got to come
on like a big wheel.
383
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,729
Come on like a big shot.
384
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,687
And that's what you
were doing yesterday?
385
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,515
Why, sure.
386
00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,300
Boy, if Mr. Halper really
knew how scared I was,
387
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:00,649
he never would have
given me a chance.
388
00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:06,786
You mean, you were
just putting on an act?
389
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:10,920
Holy smoke.
390
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:13,880
Don't tell me you
swallowed it, too.
391
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:18,101
Like a hungry seal
in a herring barrel.
392
00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:19,233
Good thing I came here today.
393
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:20,756
Cousin Danin, I need your help.
394
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:26,327
Ever since I was a little kid,
all I've ever wanted to do
395
00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:29,373
is to be in show business.
396
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:30,287
When I started, I--
397
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:32,072
I'd do anything.
398
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:34,596
I was-- I was a kid working
in-- in nightclubs around town,
399
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:38,339
or in an amateur group, or at
the PTA, or at the Red Cross.
400
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:40,254
You know, it didn't matter.
401
00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:44,519
And Uncle Tonoose said to
me, "You work hard, boy.
402
00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:51,395
And when you ready, I write to
Cousin Danin and he help you."
403
00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:53,354
I worked hard.
404
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:57,184
Anywhere I could get on,
anywhere, just to do a show--
405
00:13:57,314 --> 00:14:03,538
the PTA, newspaper functions,
anything in Toledo.
406
00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:04,626
I got discouraged.
407
00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:07,324
I guess you know what that is.
408
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:10,675
A couple of weeks ago, I did
a benefit for the newsboys.
409
00:14:10,806 --> 00:14:12,721
And after the show was over--
410
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,723
I did a good show--
411
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,377
I saw Uncle Tonoose.
412
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:22,035
He walked right up to me and
he said, "You ready, boy.
413
00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:23,471
You pack your bag.
414
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:25,690
I write to Cousin Danin."
415
00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:28,563
And the whole world
lit up for me.
416
00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,043
I knew where I was going.
417
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:33,568
And I knew that once I
got to you, I was safe.
418
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:38,616
Yeah.
419
00:14:38,747 --> 00:14:42,664
Well, uh, if you'll
excuse me, I, uh, I have
420
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:43,708
to put something in the oven.
421
00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:44,579
Huh?
422
00:14:44,709 --> 00:14:46,755
My head.
423
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:47,625
Forget it.
424
00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:49,932
Forget it.
425
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:55,024
Look, uh, if I'm
going to help you,
426
00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:57,374
I'd better start by helping
you out of that benefit
427
00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:58,506
at Madison Square Garden.
428
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,508
I-- I can't let you do that.
429
00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:02,031
But I've already
told the folks.
430
00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:03,685
Oh, never mind the folks.
431
00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:06,340
You can't do a solo comic
act in Madison Square Garden
432
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:09,256
with 25,000 people there.
433
00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:11,693
You know what would happen
to you if you went on?
434
00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:13,825
Well, I figured with
my kind of act, I--
435
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:16,654
I'd get clobbered.
436
00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:18,091
You figured you'd
get clobbered?
437
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,093
Yeah.
438
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:23,705
Well, for heaven's sakes, why
were you so anxious to get on?
439
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:27,100
Because you wanted me to.
440
00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:29,015
I figured you thought maybe
I needed the experience.
441
00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:33,149
And if you wanted me
to go on, I was ready.
442
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,585
No.
443
00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:37,066
You-- you forget all
about the Garden.
444
00:15:37,197 --> 00:15:39,982
I'll see that you get
on the right place,
445
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:42,637
where you'll do the most good.
446
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:47,381
Cousin Danin, do you think
that I could ever get as far
447
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:49,122
as you have in show business?
448
00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:53,517
Oh, I'm afraid you haven't
got the equipment for that, son.
449
00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:54,910
You don't think I
have enough talent?
450
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:55,955
Not enough nose.
451
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:04,311
All right.
452
00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:05,268
Thank you.
453
00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:06,704
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
454
00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:07,662
Thank you very much.
455
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:08,750
What a wonderful audience.
456
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,447
I certainly appreciate your--
457
00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:13,276
your attention, your
concentration, but most
458
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:17,672
of all, your excellent taste.
459
00:16:17,802 --> 00:16:19,456
You know, you're
in such a good mood
460
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:23,243
I'm glad that I picked tonight
to do what I'm going to do.
461
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:25,071
So many people have asked--
462
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:28,204
even I've asked-- where
does the young entertainer
463
00:16:28,335 --> 00:16:29,814
get his start today?
464
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:32,992
In my day, when I was a
young fellow knocking around,
465
00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:34,602
I got a chance to
work in the beer
466
00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:37,083
garden of Detroit, the
neighborhood cafes of Chicago--
467
00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:41,696
a place to flop, a place to
be bad and to get better.
468
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:43,480
Today, the youngster has
to start right on top.
469
00:16:43,611 --> 00:16:45,178
Today, we have television.
470
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:48,398
A guy comes to bat for the
first time in Yankee Stadium,
471
00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:51,662
you know, or should I say
Madison Square Garden?
472
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:54,578
A Youngster today
faces the problem,
473
00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:56,667
he can't get a job unless
he's had experience.
474
00:16:56,798 --> 00:16:59,279
And he can't get experience
unless he's got a job.
475
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,107
So we're going to do
something about it tonight.
476
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:02,847
I'd like to have
you meet a newcomer
477
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:06,634
to our business, first time
in a professional nightclub.
478
00:17:06,763 --> 00:17:08,810
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's help him out--
479
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:10,159
Don Penny.
Come on, Don.
480
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,247
Get up here.
481
00:17:11,377 --> 00:17:12,248
Good luck.
482
00:17:18,906 --> 00:17:24,086
When I was in the Army just
recently, I had a friend.
483
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:26,522
His name was Freddy Grebs.
484
00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:27,915
He was a little man.
485
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,919
I guess he was about
30, 35 years old.
486
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,878
And he'd been in the Army
I guess all his adult life.
487
00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:35,750
He never knew anything else.
488
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,491
He was a-- a kind
of a rare person
489
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:39,493
to me, because you
could steal the shoe
490
00:17:39,623 --> 00:17:40,885
polish out of his
foot locker and he'd
491
00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:42,148
get gigged by the Lieutenant.
492
00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:43,105
And he'd just smile.
493
00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:44,411
He wouldn't say anything.
494
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:46,369
Or, you could wear
his clean uniform--
495
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,719
a good, good person.
496
00:17:48,850 --> 00:17:50,417
The point of the
story is one day,
497
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:53,985
Freddy was sitting on his
foot locker shining his shoes.
498
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,987
He looked up at me and
he said that he was
499
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:59,078
going to go to officers school.
500
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:02,646
Now I just could not in
my heart say to Freddy,
501
00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:08,261
"Freddy, you don't have
it to be an officer."
502
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:10,698
So I kept my mouth shut.
503
00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:12,874
The very next day, he
walked into the office
504
00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:16,834
of Colonel Gruber, who is in
charge of the entire regiment.
505
00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:19,489
And he said--
506
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:20,534
[bugle playing]
507
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,189
[MEEKLY] Uh, Private Grebs re--
508
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:29,282
reporting, sir, from the
th-- the 3rd Labor Battalion.
509
00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:33,547
Now, I-- I was interested
in going to officer school,
510
00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:37,986
because I think, well, I have
the ability to lead men the way
511
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,335
they sh-- should be led.
512
00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:49,737
Um, and I was, um, I'm
interested in ceramics.
513
00:18:52,740 --> 00:19:03,142
[mumbles] sir.
514
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:11,802
And the colonel, who was a
6'2" Kentuckian from Harvard,
515
00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:16,111
got up behind this
big, black ebony desk.
516
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:19,027
And he looked down
at little Freddy.
517
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:23,249
And he said, [MEEKLY]
speak with more authority.
518
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:36,175
For a very long time, we've
been giving the Russians lots
519
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:39,656
and lots of things-- money,
tanks, guns, agriculture,
520
00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:41,397
all kinds of wonderful
things, tractors,
521
00:19:41,528 --> 00:19:43,660
dams, bridges, people.
522
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:47,360
We have finally received
something in return.
523
00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:48,883
The Russians have
sent us a song.
524
00:19:51,712 --> 00:19:57,021
This is a song, a tribute
to our American astronauts.
525
00:19:57,152 --> 00:20:00,373
[music playing]
526
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,464
[singing in russian]
527
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:54,383
[bird noises]
528
00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:28,983
Very good.
Take a bow.
529
00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:30,071
Take a bow.
530
00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:33,466
Wonderful, excellent, very good.
531
00:21:37,557 --> 00:21:40,560
Uh, it's a real exciting
night for a newcomer.
532
00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:42,562
You know, I-- I
wonder why these kids
533
00:21:42,692 --> 00:21:45,913
clamor to get into this
crazy business of ours.
534
00:21:46,043 --> 00:21:47,001
I don't know.
535
00:21:47,131 --> 00:21:48,394
Maybe it's that--
536
00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:51,745
I'm sure it's that
indescribable something
537
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:57,664
which was described so very well
by the wonderful Irving Berlin.
538
00:21:57,794 --> 00:22:01,102
[MUSIC - "THERE'S NO BUSINESS
LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"]
539
00:22:02,799 --> 00:22:05,628
[SINGING] The butcher, the
baker, the grocer, the clerk
540
00:22:05,759 --> 00:22:10,241
are secretly unhappy men
because the butcher, the baker,
541
00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:13,723
the grocer, the clerk get
paid for what they do,
542
00:22:13,854 --> 00:22:16,117
but no applause.
543
00:22:16,247 --> 00:22:20,817
They'd gladly kiss their
dreary jobs goodbye
544
00:22:20,948 --> 00:22:24,212
for anything theatrical.
545
00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:26,997
And why?
546
00:22:27,128 --> 00:22:33,177
There's no business
like show business,
547
00:22:33,308 --> 00:22:35,919
like no business that I know.
548
00:22:39,096 --> 00:22:44,885
Everything about it is
a feeling, everything
549
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:46,713
the traffic will allow.
550
00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:54,590
Nowhere do you get that
extra feeling when you
551
00:22:54,721 --> 00:22:58,942
are stealing that extra bow.
552
00:22:59,073 --> 00:23:05,122
And there's no people
like show people.
553
00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:11,085
They smile when they are low.
554
00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:16,046
Yesterday, they told you
you would not go far.
555
00:23:16,177 --> 00:23:21,487
That night, you open
and, wow, there you are.
556
00:23:21,617 --> 00:23:24,533
Next day, on your
dressing room, oh, they've
557
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,579
hung that wonderful star.
558
00:23:26,709 --> 00:23:27,449
Let's go.
559
00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:30,931
Go on with the show.
560
00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:31,888
Come on.
561
00:23:32,019 --> 00:23:33,890
Let's go, go, go.
562
00:23:34,021 --> 00:23:37,198
Go on with the show.
563
00:23:37,328 --> 00:23:40,331
Oh, go, go, go, go, go!
564
00:23:53,519 --> 00:23:56,870
[theme - "oh, danny boy"]
39931
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