Original subtitles

[theme music]

Bunny, would you like another cup?

Oh, no. Thanks, Kath.

I'm going to have to go along.

Oh, do you have to really go, Bunny?

Uh-huh.

Oh, can't you stick around a while?

Danny's leaving for the club soon,

and I'll have loads of time on my hands.

We could watch some television, play some cards,

or maybe just yak. - Oh, no.

Thanks, Kathy.

I wish I could, but I've got to get over to the club myself.

I promised Charley I'd come over and check the books.

Kind of help out with things, you know.

You mean you'd check the books?

Oh, sure. Sure.

I studied bookkeeping in school, and Charley's

no good at all with figures.

Oh, well, I think it's very nice that you're able to help.

Oh, isn't that what a wife's for?

Kind of to help her family out.

Oh, sure, of course.

Well, my family would be completely helpless without me.

Sure. Well, listen, Kath.

I have to be running along. Hi, Rusty.

Hi, Aunt Bunny.

Bye, Rusty.

Bye, Aunt Bunny.

Bye, Bunny.

Where are you off to?

I'm going over to Jimmy's.

He's going to help me with my homework.

Well, Rusty, you don't have to go over to Jimmy's.

I'd be very happy to help you with your homework.

Well, thanks, mom.

But it's been a long time since you've been in school.

What I mean is, uh, we study things

now you've never heard of.

See you.

Mummy?

Uh-huh?

May I please borrow your sewing basket?

Oh, yes, darling.

It's in my dresser drawer.

What do you want it for?

Oh, I'm making a dress for my dolly.

Thank you.

Oh, honey, come back here.

Maybe I can help you sew the dress.

Oh, no. Thank you, mummy.

I can sew.

I've made lots of them.

Oh, darling, maybe I could design it for you.

Oh, mummy, you're so cute.

But I think I'd like a little younger style.

Thank you.

[danny humming]

See you, sweet.

Where are you going?

Uh, to the club.

Why?

I work there?

Now, honey, you don't usually leave this early.

Well, honey, I'm--

I'm putting in a new number on the show,

and I wanna get to Earle early, you see,

so he can give his opinion on it.

Well, honey, couldn't I listen to it and give you my opinion?

Dear, that's what he gets paid for.

Let him give me his opinion.

True, honey.

There's no reason why you should want my opinion.

After all I'm only your wife.

Be there something troubling you?

No.

Honey, I'm fine.

Go on.

Go off to work.

OK.

It's just that it's sort of disturbing to find

out that nobody needs you.

Nobody needs you?

Oh, honey, don't mind me now.

I'm fine. Go on.

Go on. You have to go to work.

Go on.

See you later, honey.

Why would you care that you're married to a nothing.

All right.

Come up here and tell Big Dan all about it.

What's troubling my girl?

Oh, honey, it's just that Linda doesn't want me to help

her sew her doll's dress.

And Rusty doesn't want me to help him with his homework.

And you don't want me to help you with your new number.

So I-- I don't exactly feel like Woman of the Year, that's all.

Oh, [inaudible].

Oh, honey.

I-- I'm just being silly now.

I'm all right, really.

I'll be fine.

You go off to work.

Sure?

Sure.

OK.

[SARCASTICALLY] Uh-huh!

Hey, I forgot.

I'm doing a whole new show tonight.

How about you come into the club and watch me break it in?

Come on.

You mean, I could help you with it?

- Help me? - Yes.

I-- I could listen to it and-- and tell you whether it's funny

or not.

You're going to tell me what's funny?

Never mind.

I-- I mean, that's a great idea.

Great idea!

Honey, I value your opinion.

I really do. Now, come on.

- No, you do not. - No.

No. No.

I mean it. I mean it.

No.

It'd be-- It'd be good for me to get an objective

opinion of my stuff. Now, come on.

I insist that you come along.

You honestly mean that.

I-- may I be banished from the brownies.

Now, I would never forget when I first saw my wife.

Never as long as I live.

I tell you, I just saw her, uh, standing there, and I--

I stopped in my tracks.

I was positively motionless, inanimate.

I mean, there she stood with her red hair and green eyes.

I mean, I didn't know whether to stop or go, you know.

But, of course, as you know, I--

I went.

I've got to admit I've been happily

married for three years.

[clears throat]

And three out of five ain't bad.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not knocking marriage.

I think marriage is great, that is,

if you don't mind eating frozen food for 30 years.

I don't know about you guys, but with me every night

it's frozen fish, frozen chicken,

frozen potatoes, frozen bread.

She should have married an Eskimo.

[laughter]

I give you my word, after dinner we don't sit around the living

room and kiss.

We just rub noses.

And watch each other thaw out.

[laughter]

And it's strange because when I first met my wife,

she told me she was a wonderful cook, and I believed her too.

Until I saw her trying to open an egg with an electric

can opener.

[laughter]

[applause]

You know, a lot of people ask if these-- these jokes

offend my wife.

And let me assure you that my girl

has a great sense of humor.

She laughs all the way to the jewelers,

the furriers, the dressmaker.

Oh!

That kid of mine all rich.

She really spends money.

I think she's trying to invent a new thing.

Instant poverty.

Oh, she's cute.

Sneaky too.

Like, if she wants something special, now,

she just won't come right out and ask for it,

she drops a little hint.

For instance, her birthday's coming up next week,

and what do you think she said to me

the other night while we were rubbing noses and thawing out?

She said, "Honey, can't you just picture

a Rolls Royce in our garage?"

Well, there's nothing too good for my girl,

and that's what I'm getting her.

A picture of a Rolls Royce for our garage.

Listen!

You want to see this car she wants.

It's got a ranch mink steering wheel, genuine leopard skin

seat cover, and chinchilla rug.

I don't think she wants the car.

She wants to wear the upholstery.

I mean-- I mean, don't get me wrong.

I'm not cheap.

I know you can't take it with you.

I just don't want to get up there

and start borrowing right away.

Now, before you people get under the impression

that I'm unhappily married or that I don't love my wife,

I'd like to sing a little song and dedicate it to my girl.

A very lovely song.

And with your permission, fellows,

I'd like to dedicate it to your wives, too, on your behalf.

It's a very sweet song.

If you men would like to sing along with me while you--

forget it.

The name is Dan, not Mitch.

Now, this is a solo for my wife and for yours.

[music - "that face"]

[SINGING] That face, that face, that wonderful face!

It shines and glows all over the place.

Oh, I love to watch it change expression.

Each look becomes the prize of my possession.

I love those eyes, those lips, and that fabulous smile.

She laughs and spring goes right out of style.

Never will these eyes behold a sight that can

replace that face, that face.

Hi, face.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

And I love this song.

It's a big song, very sweet song.

Now, while each of you fellas is staring

very admiringly at your own particular inspiration

for those lyrics, I'd like to have you meet mine.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Danny Williams.

[cheering]

Well, stand and face them.

Well, how about this?

Yeah.

Hey, ain't she pretty?

You know people look at her and they-- she's--

well, she looks so great all the time.

And they figure she's in show business,

you know, but she isn't.

Although she dances real cute.

You ought to see her dance sometimes.

[cheering]

No.

Hey.

No.

No.

Want to see her dance?

Play "Pretty Baby."

"Pretty Baby."

You can do this.

You can do it.

[SINGING] Everybody loves a baby.

That's why I'm in love with you.

Pretty baby, lovely baby.

Pretty baby of mine.

Come on.

Come on.

Ha-ha-ha.

[music - "pretty baby"]

[applause]

Well, how about that?

[Singing] La-la-la.

Ha-ha.

Well, how about it?

[applause]

Real good.

Real good.

Yes.

They stopped.

Honey, the applause is over.

Oh, come on, Kathy, simmer down.

Your motor's running.

Come on down.

Oh, Bunny, it's all like a dream.

All those people laughing and applauding.

You know, I know what performers mean now when they say,

"The sound of applause is like food and drink."

Well, you sure got your share of the calories.

Boy, were you a smash.

Oh, well, beginner's luck.

Well, there she is.

The star of Broadway!

Hi, honey.

How are you, toast of the town?

I want your autograph.

Oh.

"Oh, pooh," huh? Come over here.

Let me read something to you.

Then let me hear you say, "pooh."

Sit down over here.

Listen to this by Earl Wilson on the Bistro Beat

"Copa patrons got a bonus last night when the lovely Mrs.

Danny Williams made an impromptu appearance

during her husband's act.

Called on for a bow, the gorgeous redhead

stayed on to perform, and all but stole

the show from [inaudible]."

How about that?

Oh!

Honey, I can't believe it.

Hey, Kath, get some glue and some scissors.

You can start a scrapbook.

Oh, Bunn.

Are you kidding?

Performers die for rave reviews like that.

When I was in show business, they always printed my reviews

in the Used Appliance section.

I just can't believe it.

But you believe your eyeballs, don't you?

Kathy, I just want to say one thing.

If you ever do decide to take a fling at showbiz,

I'm the guy you got to sign with first.

Oh!

Charley, now you're ribbing me.

What ribbing?

I mean, you know, it wouldn't hurt to have

a little beauty in the act.

With his push, it ain't exactly "Some Enchanted Evening."

Ha-ha-ha.

Honey, you should have heard everybody

at the club-- the waiters, the captains,

the busboys, the girl in the check room,

they were all raving.

They said, boy, you gave the act a great lift.

I was really proud of you. - Oh.

Proud.

Well, now if you're all through ribbing me,

I'll make some free coffee.

I'm a smash at that, too.

And I'll help with that.

KATHY WILLIAMS: OK, Bunn.

Ta-da.

[wordless singing]

I tell you, I got to hand it to you.

Danny, you rebuilt her morale.

If I could only handle my wife like you handle yours.

Nothing to it.

The little woman is feeling low, all you got to do

is give her ego a little booster shot,

and, boom, everything is rosy again.

Oh, boy.

And that-- that brainstorm you had about planting

the item in Earl's column.

Hey, he was nice to do that for me.

But like you said, what harm could it do?

None at all.

Well, you gave her a taste of excitement in glamour

that she was hungry for.

Now, she can go back to being a contented little housewife.

Well, here we are.

Uh-huh.

All ready.

Charley, how do you like your coffee?

Black? - Black.

Thank you. - That I thought.

Honey, there's yours. - Thank you.

- I'll take this one. - OK, Bunny.

- Yeah. - This isn't wine.

We could drink a toast to our stardom.

With or without wine, I think a toast

is more than appropriate. - Ha-ha-ha.

Kathy.

I've decided to join Danny's act.

[music playing]

You and your big mouth.

"We need a little beauty in the act.

It wouldn't hurt." Big mouth.

Big mouth. Big mouth.

Now, wait a minute.

My big mouth only finished what your fat brain started.

Why I got a fat brain is because I

got a fat head for a boss.

Oh, OK, so we're both to blame.

So we better come up with something pretty soon.

You're telling me.

She'll be here any minute to sign a contract.

A contract.

Why did I ever get into this business?

I should've listened to my mother

and become a college professor.

Sure.

You're poor but honest.

Hey! Poor.

That's it.

I'll plead poverty.

You're are going to plead poverty?

Well, sure.

You, Diamond Jim Halper?

I'll tell her I can't afford her.

I'm way over budget.

I just heard from my taxman, and I'm in the red.

- Now, come on. - No.

It'll work.

It'll work, Danny. - Oh.

It'll work.

You know what I'll do?

I'll say to her, "My darling, I just can't afford to hire you."

And if she hears my sob story, she'll also hear violins.

What is that?

My poverty jacket.

Your poverty jacket?

Yeah.

It's a crying towel with sleeves.

I always wear it when I'm making a deal.

I've never seen it before.

No.

But your agent has.

You snitch.

[intercom rings]

Yeah?

DOROTHY [ON THE INTERCOM]: Mrs. Williams is on her way in.

OK.

Leave everything to me, huh?

Hello, angel.

Hi, fellas.

A little early, aren't you, dear?

Well, I'm just so excited about signing

my very first contract.

Um, your-- your contract?

Uh, Kathy, I--

I'm-- I'm afraid there's-- there's something

you have to know.

Charley, are you trying to tell me something?

Well, Kathy, it's-- it's about the salary.

Oh, Charley, I don't expect any salary.

You d--

You don't expect a salary?

Oh, no.

Of course, not.

I'm not in this for the money.

I-- I'm just thrilled to be in the act

with my darling husband.

I'll go change my jacket.

Dear, I--

Uh, well, your darling husband is thrilled

to have you in his life.

Oh.

I mean, I can't think of anything nicer

than to have you by my side on the stage, but it's a--

well, honey, it poses a lot of problems.

What problems?

Well, the-- the domestic problems for instance.

Like-- like what?

I mean, the kids.

After all, Louise won't be back for another month.

And you got to stay home with the kids.

Isn't that a shame, Charley?

Oh, I'm sick.

Yeah.

Oh, Danny.

That isn't any problem.

I'll hire a housekeeper.

Oh, a-- a housekeeper.

Yeah.

I don't know why I didn't think of that.

Relax.

The children will be well taken care of.

See you later, partner.

Bye.

Yup.

Well, we sure talked her out of it.

A housekeeper.

Housekeeper.

Housekeeper.

Huh?

Housekeeper.

Housekeeper. Housekeeper.

- You said it. - Ha-ha-ha.

I know I said it.

And I'll keep saying it over and over, because I'm thinking.

Thinking good too.

- What? - Dorothy.

DOROTHY [ON THE INTERCOM]: Yes, sir.

Call George Woods at the William Morris Agency.

DOROTHY [ON THE INTERCOM]: Yes, Mr. Williams.

[wordless singing]

You're call-- you're calling a theatrical

agency for a housekeeper.

All they got is actors and actresses.

And I'm-- I'm--

Oh, Danny boy, you got it up here.

Ooh, boy. - I have.

Haven't I? - Yes, you have.

This-- this housekeeper, she'll be a real monster, huh?

I'm going to hire a woman that'll make Simon

Legree look like Santa Claus.

[music playing]

Aha.

Like?

What a dish.

I thought I'd wear this one for my opening number.

You're gonna open in that?

How are you going to follow yourself?

You're so sweet.

[doorbell rings]

That must be the housekeeper I hired.

Oh, darling, it was nice of you

to take care of that for me.

Not at all.

You certainly took your sweet time answering that door!

I work by the hour, lady, not by the year.

Are you the housekeeper?

I'm not on a scavenger hunt.

The name is Bixby.

Henrietta Bixby.

Miss Henrietta Bixby.

Won't you come in?

I'm Mrs. Williams.

Linda.

Rusty.

And this is my husband, Mr Williams.

How-- How do--

how do you do?

And these are our two children, Rusty and Linda.

You got two?

The employment office said there was only one.

I'm always getting stuck with these large families.

Well--

And look at the size of this place.

[danny clears his throat]

I don't give hotel service.

How many rooms have you got anyway?

Just what you see here, and the kitchen,

and three bedrooms.

Three bedrooms?

And a guest room.

Oh, I'm not working this alone.

You gotta get me some help.

Help?

Well, somebody's gotta clean up this barn.

It's all I can do to take care of this army.

Sh-- two kids!

Well, uh, Rusty's 15.

He can take care of himself.

Oh, 15, huh?

You got any friends?

I don't allow any wild Indians traipsing in and out.

Ms. Bixby, have you had much experience taking

care of children, that is?

Now, don't worry, lady, about me and the kids.

I know how to handle them.

I let them know right from the start who's the boss.

Pow, right in the mouth!

And, you kids, listen to this.

You will pay attention to me as long as I'm around here

on the job, you understand?

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Linda, go to your room right away.

And you too, Rusty.

All right, Bloody Mary.

Aye!

I'll give you exactly four seconds to get out of here.

Now, listen, ma'am--

- Three seconds! - I'm not--

Two seconds!

Who do you think you--

One second!

Now, see--

Your time is up!

Where on earth did you get that monster?

Sorry, honey.

I'll-- I'll call the agency and get you another woman.

No.

You don't have to call the agency.

There is no reason to get another woman.

Uh, what do you mean?

Oh, that woman opened my eyes.

What am I doing?

I mean, my place is here at home with my children.

Wh-- what about the act, honey?

Darling, I hope you won't be too disappointed.

No.

The way I see it, honey, I'm--

I'm not losing a partner, I'm gaining back a wife

and a mother for my children.

Oh.

You really mean that?

You bet I do.

You know, angel, it's a funny thing.

Singers want to be dancers.

And-- and dancers want to be comedians.

Comedians want to be tragedians.

And housewives want to be actresses.

When-- when you start to think about it, you know,

you're really an actress.

And you play the most important part of all in this great drama

called life.

You get to lead.

And don't you know that without you

our home would just be a house.

Oh, you get the most important part of all, honey.

Without you, the children and I'm would be completely,

utterly, and desperately lost.

And I thought I wasn't needed.

[telephone rings]

I'll be right back.

Hello.

Oh, yes.

This is the Williams' residence.

What?

Oh, yes.

Just fine.

Yes.

Oh, wonderful.

Thank you very much.

Darling.

DANNY WILLIAMS: Yeah.

You know who that was?

No, sweetheart.

Who?

That was the Morris Agency.

They wanted to know if we were satisfied

with the actress they sent over to play the housekeeper.

I told them she was just fine.

[theme music]