All language subtitles for The.Danny.Thomas.Show.S09E28.Kathy,.the.Pro.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD2.0.H.264_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

Bunny, would you
like another cup?

Oh, no.
Thanks, Kath.

I'm going to have to go along.

Oh, do you have
to really go, Bunny?

Uh-huh.

Oh, can't you
stick around a while?

Danny's leaving
for the club soon,

and I'll have loads
of time on my hands.

We could watch some
television, play some cards,

or maybe just yak.
- Oh, no.

Thanks, Kathy.

I wish I could, but I've got
to get over to the club myself.

I promised Charley I'd come
over and check the books.

Kind of help out with
things, you know.

You mean you'd
check the books?

Oh, sure.
Sure.

I studied bookkeeping
in school, and Charley's

no good at all with figures.

Oh, well, I think it's very
nice that you're able to help.

Oh, isn't that
what a wife's for?

Kind of to help her family out.

Oh, sure, of course.

Well, my family would be
completely helpless without me.

Sure.
Well, listen, Kath.

I have to be running along.
Hi, Rusty.

Hi, Aunt Bunny.

Bye, Rusty.

Bye, Aunt Bunny.

Bye, Bunny.

Where are you off to?

I'm going over to Jimmy's.

He's going to help
me with my homework.

Well, Rusty, you don't
have to go over to Jimmy's.

I'd be very happy to help
you with your homework.

Well, thanks, mom.

But it's been a long time
since you've been in school.

What I mean is,
uh, we study things

now you've never heard of.

See you.

Mummy?

Uh-huh?

May I please borrow
your sewing basket?

Oh, yes, darling.

It's in my dresser drawer.

What do you want it for?

Oh, I'm making a
dress for my dolly.

Thank you.

Oh, honey, come back here.

Maybe I can help
you sew the dress.

Oh, no.
Thank you, mummy.

I can sew.

I've made lots of them.

Oh, darling, maybe I
could design it for you.

Oh, mummy, you're so cute.

But I think I'd like a
little younger style.

Thank you.

[danny humming]

See you, sweet.

Where are you going?

Uh, to the club.

Why?

I work there?

Now, honey, you don't
usually leave this early.

Well, honey, I'm--

I'm putting in a new
number on the show,

and I wanna get to
Earle early, you see,

so he can give
his opinion on it.

Well, honey, couldn't I listen
to it and give you my opinion?

Dear, that's what
he gets paid for.

Let him give me his opinion.

True, honey.

There's no reason why you
should want my opinion.

After all I'm only your wife.

Be there something
troubling you?

No.

Honey, I'm fine.

Go on.

Go off to work.

OK.

It's just that it's
sort of disturbing to find

out that nobody needs you.

Nobody needs you?

Oh, honey, don't mind me now.

I'm fine.
Go on.

Go on.
You have to go to work.

Go on.

See you later, honey.

Why would you care that
you're married to a nothing.

All right.

Come up here and tell
Big Dan all about it.

What's troubling my girl?

Oh, honey, it's just that
Linda doesn't want me to help

her sew her doll's dress.

And Rusty doesn't want me to
help him with his homework.

And you don't want me to help
you with your new number.

So I-- I don't exactly feel like
Woman of the Year, that's all.

Oh, [inaudible].

Oh, honey.

I-- I'm just being silly now.

I'm all right, really.

I'll be fine.

You go off to work.

Sure?

Sure.

OK.

[SARCASTICALLY] Uh-huh!

Hey, I forgot.

I'm doing a whole
new show tonight.

How about you come into the
club and watch me break it in?

Come on.

You mean, I could
help you with it?

- Help me?
- Yes.

I-- I could listen to it and--
and tell you whether it's funny

or not.

You're going to
tell me what's funny?

Never mind.

I-- I mean,
that's a great idea.

Great idea!

Honey, I value your opinion.

I really do.
Now, come on.

- No, you do not.
- No.

No.
No.

I mean it.
I mean it.

No.

It'd be-- It'd be good
for me to get an objective

opinion of my stuff.
Now, come on.

I insist that you come along.

You honestly mean that.

I-- may I be banished
from the brownies.

Now, I would never forget
when I first saw my wife.

Never as long as I live.

I tell you, I just saw her,
uh, standing there, and I--

I stopped in my tracks.

I was positively
motionless, inanimate.

I mean, there she stood with
her red hair and green eyes.

I mean, I didn't know whether
to stop or go, you know.

But, of course, as you know, I--

I went.

I've got to admit
I've been happily

married for three years.

[clears throat]

And three out of five ain't bad.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not knocking marriage.

I think marriage
is great, that is,

if you don't mind eating
frozen food for 30 years.

I don't know about you guys,
but with me every night

it's frozen fish,
frozen chicken,

frozen potatoes, frozen bread.

She should have
married an Eskimo.

[laughter]

I give you my word, after dinner
we don't sit around the living

room and kiss.

We just rub noses.

And watch each other thaw out.

[laughter]

And it's strange because
when I first met my wife,

she told me she was a wonderful
cook, and I believed her too.

Until I saw her trying to
open an egg with an electric

can opener.

[laughter]

[applause]

You know, a lot of people
ask if these-- these jokes

offend my wife.

And let me assure
you that my girl

has a great sense of humor.

She laughs all the
way to the jewelers,

the furriers, the dressmaker.

Oh!

That kid of mine all rich.

She really spends money.

I think she's trying
to invent a new thing.

Instant poverty.

Oh, she's cute.

Sneaky too.

Like, if she wants
something special, now,

she just won't come
right out and ask for it,

she drops a little hint.

For instance, her birthday's
coming up next week,

and what do you
think she said to me

the other night while we were
rubbing noses and thawing out?

She said, "Honey,
can't you just picture

a Rolls Royce in our garage?"

Well, there's nothing
too good for my girl,

and that's what I'm getting her.

A picture of a Rolls
Royce for our garage.

Listen!

You want to see
this car she wants.

It's got a ranch mink steering
wheel, genuine leopard skin

seat cover, and chinchilla rug.

I don't think she wants the car.

She wants to wear
the upholstery.

I mean-- I mean,
don't get me wrong.

I'm not cheap.

I know you can't
take it with you.

I just don't want
to get up there

and start borrowing right away.

Now, before you people
get under the impression

that I'm unhappily married
or that I don't love my wife,

I'd like to sing a little song
and dedicate it to my girl.

A very lovely song.

And with your
permission, fellows,

I'd like to dedicate it to your
wives, too, on your behalf.

It's a very sweet song.

If you men would like to sing
along with me while you--

forget it.

The name is Dan, not Mitch.

Now, this is a solo for
my wife and for yours.

[music - "that face"]

[SINGING] That face, that
face, that wonderful face!

It shines and glows
all over the place.

Oh, I love to watch
it change expression.

Each look becomes the
prize of my possession.

I love those eyes, those
lips, and that fabulous smile.

She laughs and spring
goes right out of style.

Never will these eyes
behold a sight that can

replace that face, that face.

Hi, face.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

And I love this song.

It's a big song,
very sweet song.

Now, while each of
you fellas is staring

very admiringly at your
own particular inspiration

for those lyrics, I'd like
to have you meet mine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Danny Williams.

[cheering]

Well, stand and face them.

Well, how about this?

Yeah.

Hey, ain't she pretty?

You know people look at
her and they-- she's--

well, she looks so
great all the time.

And they figure she's
in show business,

you know, but she isn't.

Although she dances real cute.

You ought to see
her dance sometimes.

[cheering]

No.

Hey.

No.

No.

Want to see her dance?

Play "Pretty Baby."

"Pretty Baby."

You can do this.

You can do it.

[SINGING] Everybody
loves a baby.

That's why I'm in love with you.

Pretty baby, lovely baby.

Pretty baby of mine.

Come on.

Come on.

Ha-ha-ha.

[music - "pretty baby"]

[applause]

Well, how about that?

[Singing] La-la-la.

Ha-ha.

Well, how about it?

[applause]

Real good.

Real good.

Yes.

They stopped.

Honey, the applause is over.

Oh, come on,
Kathy, simmer down.

Your motor's running.

Come on down.

Oh, Bunny, it's
all like a dream.

All those people
laughing and applauding.

You know, I know what performers
mean now when they say,

"The sound of applause
is like food and drink."

Well, you sure got your
share of the calories.

Boy, were you a smash.

Oh, well, beginner's luck.

Well, there she is.

The star of Broadway!

Hi, honey.

How are you,
toast of the town?

I want your autograph.

Oh.

"Oh, pooh," huh?
Come over here.

Let me read something to you.

Then let me hear
you say, "pooh."

Sit down over here.

Listen to this by Earl
Wilson on the Bistro Beat

"Copa patrons got a bonus last
night when the lovely Mrs.

Danny Williams made an
impromptu appearance

during her husband's act.

Called on for a bow,
the gorgeous redhead

stayed on to perform,
and all but stole

the show from [inaudible]."

How about that?

Oh!

Honey, I can't believe it.

Hey, Kath, get some
glue and some scissors.

You can start a scrapbook.

Oh, Bunn.

Are you kidding?

Performers die for
rave reviews like that.

When I was in show business,
they always printed my reviews

in the Used Appliance section.

I just can't believe it.

But you believe your
eyeballs, don't you?

Kathy, I just want
to say one thing.

If you ever do decide to
take a fling at showbiz,

I'm the guy you got
to sign with first.

Oh!

Charley, now you're ribbing me.

What ribbing?

I mean, you know, it
wouldn't hurt to have

a little beauty in the act.

With his push, it ain't exactly
"Some Enchanted Evening."

Ha-ha-ha.

Honey, you should
have heard everybody

at the club-- the
waiters, the captains,

the busboys, the girl
in the check room,

they were all raving.

They said, boy, you gave
the act a great lift.

I was really proud of you.
- Oh.

Proud.

Well, now if you're
all through ribbing me,

I'll make some free coffee.

I'm a smash at that, too.

And I'll help with that.

KATHY WILLIAMS: OK, Bunn.

Ta-da.

[wordless singing]

I tell you, I got
to hand it to you.

Danny, you rebuilt her morale.

If I could only handle my
wife like you handle yours.

Nothing to it.

The little woman is feeling
low, all you got to do

is give her ego a
little booster shot,

and, boom, everything
is rosy again.

Oh, boy.

And that-- that brainstorm
you had about planting

the item in Earl's column.

Hey, he was nice
to do that for me.

But like you said,
what harm could it do?

None at all.

Well, you gave her a taste
of excitement in glamour

that she was hungry for.

Now, she can go back to being
a contented little housewife.

Well, here we are.

Uh-huh.

All ready.

Charley, how do you
like your coffee?

Black?
- Black.

Thank you.
- That I thought.

Honey, there's yours.
- Thank you.

- I'll take this one.
- OK, Bunny.

- Yeah.
- This isn't wine.

We could drink a
toast to our stardom.

With or without
wine, I think a toast

is more than appropriate.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Kathy.

I've decided to
join Danny's act.

[music playing]

You and your big mouth.

"We need a little
beauty in the act.

It wouldn't hurt."
Big mouth.

Big mouth.
Big mouth.

Now, wait a minute.

My big mouth only finished
what your fat brain started.

Why I got a fat
brain is because I

got a fat head for a boss.

Oh, OK, so we're
both to blame.

So we better come up with
something pretty soon.

You're telling me.

She'll be here any minute
to sign a contract.

A contract.

Why did I ever get
into this business?

I should've listened
to my mother

and become a college professor.

Sure.

You're poor but honest.

Hey!
Poor.

That's it.

I'll plead poverty.

You're are going
to plead poverty?

Well, sure.

You, Diamond Jim Halper?

I'll tell her I
can't afford her.

I'm way over budget.

I just heard from my
taxman, and I'm in the red.

- Now, come on.
- No.

It'll work.

It'll work, Danny.
- Oh.

It'll work.

You know what I'll do?

I'll say to her, "My darling, I
just can't afford to hire you."

And if she hears my sob story,
she'll also hear violins.

What is that?

My poverty jacket.

Your poverty jacket?

Yeah.

It's a crying
towel with sleeves.

I always wear it when
I'm making a deal.

I've never seen it before.

No.

But your agent has.

You snitch.

[intercom rings]

Yeah?

DOROTHY [ON THE INTERCOM]:
Mrs. Williams is on her way in.

OK.

Leave everything to me, huh?

Hello, angel.

Hi, fellas.

A little early,
aren't you, dear?

Well, I'm just so
excited about signing

my very first contract.

Um, your-- your contract?

Uh, Kathy, I--

I'm-- I'm afraid there's--
there's something

you have to know.

Charley, are you trying
to tell me something?

Well, Kathy, it's--
it's about the salary.

Oh, Charley, I don't
expect any salary.

You d--

You don't expect a salary?

Oh, no.

Of course, not.

I'm not in this for the money.

I-- I'm just thrilled
to be in the act

with my darling husband.

I'll go change my jacket.

Dear, I--

Uh, well, your darling
husband is thrilled

to have you in his life.

Oh.

I mean, I can't
think of anything nicer

than to have you by my side
on the stage, but it's a--

well, honey, it poses
a lot of problems.

What problems?

Well, the-- the domestic
problems for instance.

Like-- like what?

I mean, the kids.

After all, Louise won't
be back for another month.

And you got to stay
home with the kids.

Isn't that a shame, Charley?

Oh, I'm sick.

Yeah.

Oh, Danny.

That isn't any problem.

I'll hire a housekeeper.

Oh, a-- a housekeeper.

Yeah.

I don't know why I
didn't think of that.

Relax.

The children will be
well taken care of.

See you later, partner.

Bye.

Yup.

Well, we sure talked
her out of it.

A housekeeper.

Housekeeper.

Housekeeper.

Huh?

Housekeeper.

Housekeeper.
Housekeeper.

- You said it.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I know I said it.

And I'll keep saying it over
and over, because I'm thinking.

Thinking good too.

- What?
- Dorothy.

DOROTHY [ON THE
INTERCOM]: Yes, sir.

Call George Woods at
the William Morris Agency.

DOROTHY [ON THE INTERCOM]:
Yes, Mr. Williams.

[wordless singing]

You're call-- you're
calling a theatrical

agency for a housekeeper.

All they got is
actors and actresses.

And I'm-- I'm--

Oh, Danny boy, you
got it up here.

Ooh, boy.
- I have.

Haven't I?
- Yes, you have.

This-- this housekeeper,
she'll be a real monster, huh?

I'm going to hire a
woman that'll make Simon

Legree look like Santa Claus.

[music playing]

Aha.

Like?

What a dish.

I thought I'd wear this
one for my opening number.

You're gonna open in that?

How are you going
to follow yourself?

You're so sweet.

[doorbell rings]

That must be the
housekeeper I hired.

Oh, darling, it
was nice of you

to take care of that for me.

Not at all.

You certainly took your
sweet time answering that door!

I work by the hour,
lady, not by the year.

Are you the housekeeper?

I'm not on a scavenger hunt.

The name is Bixby.

Henrietta Bixby.

Miss Henrietta Bixby.

Won't you come in?

I'm Mrs. Williams.

Linda.

Rusty.

And this is my
husband, Mr Williams.

How-- How do--

how do you do?

And these are our two
children, Rusty and Linda.

You got two?

The employment office
said there was only one.

I'm always getting stuck
with these large families.

Well--

And look at the
size of this place.

[danny clears his throat]

I don't give hotel service.

How many rooms have
you got anyway?

Just what you see
here, and the kitchen,

and three bedrooms.

Three bedrooms?

And a guest room.

Oh, I'm not
working this alone.

You gotta get me some help.

Help?

Well, somebody's gotta
clean up this barn.

It's all I can do to
take care of this army.

Sh-- two kids!

Well, uh, Rusty's 15.

He can take care of himself.

Oh, 15, huh?

You got any friends?

I don't allow any wild
Indians traipsing in and out.

Ms. Bixby, have you had
much experience taking

care of children, that is?

Now, don't worry, lady,
about me and the kids.

I know how to handle them.

I let them know right from
the start who's the boss.

Pow, right in the mouth!

And, you kids, listen to this.

You will pay attention to me
as long as I'm around here

on the job, you understand?

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Linda, go to your
room right away.

And you too, Rusty.

All right, Bloody Mary.

Aye!

I'll give you exactly four
seconds to get out of here.

Now, listen, ma'am--

- Three seconds!
- I'm not--

Two seconds!

Who do you think you--

One second!

Now, see--

Your time is up!

Where on earth did
you get that monster?

Sorry, honey.

I'll-- I'll call the agency
and get you another woman.

No.

You don't have to
call the agency.

There is no reason
to get another woman.

Uh, what do you mean?

Oh, that woman opened my eyes.

What am I doing?

I mean, my place is here
at home with my children.

Wh-- what about
the act, honey?

Darling, I hope you
won't be too disappointed.

No.

The way I see it, honey, I'm--

I'm not losing a partner,
I'm gaining back a wife

and a mother for my children.

Oh.

You really mean that?

You bet I do.

You know, angel,
it's a funny thing.

Singers want to be dancers.

And-- and dancers
want to be comedians.

Comedians want to be tragedians.

And housewives want
to be actresses.

When-- when you start to
think about it, you know,

you're really an actress.

And you play the most important
part of all in this great drama

called life.

You get to lead.

And don't you know
that without you

our home would just be a house.

Oh, you get the most
important part of all, honey.

Without you, the children
and I'm would be completely,

utterly, and desperately lost.

And I thought I wasn't needed.

[telephone rings]

I'll be right back.

Hello.

Oh, yes.

This is the Williams' residence.

What?

Oh, yes.

Just fine.

Yes.

Oh, wonderful.

Thank you very much.

Darling.

DANNY WILLIAMS: Yeah.

You know who that was?

No, sweetheart.

Who?

That was the Morris Agency.

They wanted to know
if we were satisfied

with the actress they sent
over to play the housekeeper.

I told them she was just fine.

[theme music]