All language subtitles for The.Danny.Thomas.Show.S09E26.Danny.and.Bob.Get.Away.from.It.All.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD2.0.H.264_track3_[eng]

[music playing]

NARRATOR: Tonight's
special guest--

Bob Hope.

[adoring fans]

Oh, Mr. Williams, [inaudible].

[inaudible] Well, thank you.

Thank you very much.
- [inaudible]

Well, all right.
Well, OK.

Just make it "To Agnes."

- Yes, of course.
- "With Love, Danny."

Agnes?
Yes, of course.

Thank you, thank you.
- Well, what's going on here?

Oh!

Thank you!

Oh, just some
autograph seekers, dear.

Well, they never followed you
up to your apartment before.

Yeah, well, I never had Bob
Hope with me before, honey.

It's all right, honey.

Everything'll be fine.

[applause]

[inaudible] right there.

DANNY WILLIAMS: Hey,
I'll take your hat, Bob.

Hey.

Hi, Kathy!

Hi, Bob.

- There you are, honey.
- Thank you so much!

[inaudible]
- Yeah.

[inaudible] Now, just one
more for my little nephew!

It's his birthday.
- I see.

Yeah.

Just writ, "To my little pal--"

Uh-huh.

"--Herman Axelrod, on
his seventh birthday.

Best wishes and many
happy returns of the day.

From your big pal, Bob Hope."

And date it!

Why don't I just
sign my name, and you

can hire a public stenographer
for the rest, huh?

[interposing voices]

Oh, Mr. Hope?

Yes?

How is Bing Crosby?

Bing who?

Bing Crosby?

Oh, yes, you mean the
Maharaja of the maternity ward.

Oh, he made a new
deal with the stork.

From now on, so he
won't have to get up

in the middle of
the night, he just

leaves a key under the mat.

[interposing voices]

Goodbye, Mr. Hope!

- Goodbye!
- Goodbye!

Bob, won't you sit down, and--

Lady, would you
let go of my foot?

[inaudible]

Bob?
BOB HOPE: Yes?

I thought we were
trying to get rid of them.

What are you doing
a whole monologue.

Well, if you don't tell
them a couple of jokes,

they'll start a rumor
that you're sick.

That's right.

They expect you
fellas to be funny,

and you can't disappoint them.

Yeah, but some people
take advantage of.

They act like you're
not a human being.

They think a comic is a joke
machine, for heaven's sake.

You know something?

We ought to get off this
merry-going-around for a while

and take a vacation.

You know, the one we've
been promising ourselves.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

You know, you boys
really do need a rest.

I wish we could get away.

If we-- Where could
we go, anyway?

Well, I don't care, as
long as it's some place

they've never heard of comics.
- Yeah.

So we don't have to
be on all the time,

telling jokes and
signing autographs.

Yeah, that'd be
something, wouldn't it?

- Hi, Mommy!
- Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, sweetheart.

[shrieks]

- Bob Hope!
- All right, kids.

Now, just relax.
How do you [inaudible]?

Linda, Linda, Linda!
Go to the playground!

I'll run to the park!

Line up as many kids as you can.
Come on!

DANNY WILLIAMS: What?
- Rust!

Rust!

What are you going
to do that for?

We're going to charge a
dime apiece for touching him

and a nickel if the
only want to look!

Let's go!

[inaudible] You'll
do nothing of the sort.

Let them go.

We'll split it!

Mom, we could make a fortune!

How often do we get Bob
Hope in our own living Room

Never mind.

Bob hope is our guest, and
he deserves his privacy.

Now, just say good
afternoon to him

and then go and
do your homework.

Good afternoon, Mr. Hope.

Boy, it's a sad thing when
your own parents come out

against American enterprise.

All right!

You, too.

Go on.

Bye, Mr. Hope.

[shrieks]

Boy, she's cute.

How would you like
some coffee, Bob?

Love it.

I-- I'm sorry the way
the children behaved.

It's all right.

They're just kids.

Well, they should know better.

After all, their
father is a performer,

and they should
realize that you boys

have to relax once in a while.

You know, people just don't
seem to have any consideration

for entertainers.

They don't realize
that you just must

hate telling jokes and doing
songs and skits all the time.

Oh, honey don't say that.

I mean, it's tiring
sometimes, but believe me,

we don't hate
entertaining people.

You don't?
DANNY WILLIAMS: Certainly not.

Of course not.

We love it!

Wonderful!

Then you can entertain
for our hospital benefit!

Kathleen O'Hara
Williams, how dare you!

Well, darling, I'm on the
entertainment committee.

I don't care what
committee you're on!

You said yourself
Bob was our guest.

Now you want to take
advantage of him?

You know, we don't always get
a chance to have both of you

there.
- Oh, Kathy!

I can always get Danny.

Sure, you can get me anytime!

But to have both
of you together!

You could think some
songs, tell some jokes,

and maybe do a skit together.

I know what we can do.

- What?
- Come on, Robert.

Let's go get a hamburger
and a cup of coffee.

Great idea.

[music playing]

This is where you
brought me to have lunch?

This must be the place.

I know we said we'd
get off the beaten path,

but can't we do better
than this crummy joint?

Look at this place.

2 to 1, the mice eat out!

Are you kidding?

This is the place that caters
Jack Benny's cocktail parties.

And it's got a lot of class.

They accept gasoline
credit cards here.

Well, at least
nobody'll bother us.

Nobody in the
place to bother us.

Bob Hope!

Danny Williams!

Emma!

Emma!
Come out here quick!

Emma!
- What's that?

An intern?

You won't believe it.

Look, look!

[gasps] Bob Hope!

Danny Williams!

It couldn't be!

Could it be?

It's them in the flesh.

We are indeed proud to have you
gentlemen in our establishment.

Thank you.

Mr. Hope, how
about a monologue?

Oh, for crying out loud.

How about a menu?

How about a menu?

What about that?

Come on, tell us some more!

We're a little
pressed for time.

Pressed for time!

Emma, Emma!

Let's make a sign,
put it in the window--

Danny Williams and Bob
Hope are eating here.

We'll pack them in.

50 cent minimum!

You know that vacation we
were talking about? yeah,

Yeah, I got a feeling
now's the time to take it.

- Yeah.
- Whoa!

Hey, wait a minute.

[music playing]

Oh, boy, this is it.

Oh, man!

How about this?

Yeah, it's perfect.

Peace and quiet.

Uh-huh.

It looks like Nelson
Eddy's rumpus room.

You're not supposed
to make jokes, remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Uh, good afternoon.

What say?

Say, good afternoon.

I haven't been out today,
but I'll take your word for it.

Say, we'd like a
room for a few days.

I'm Mr. Jones, and
this is Mr. Smith.

Yeah, we're industrialist's
from Schenectady.

Industrialists, eh?

DANNY WILLIAMS: That's right.

What sort of
business are you in?

Well-- well, we own
a toothpick factory.

We're up here to buy a tree.

Look, uh, mister,
uh, uh, we were

told we could get a room here.

Oh, yeah?

Who told you that?

A fellow in the service
station at the edge of town.

Yeah.

Blabbermouth [inaudible]
I'll see what I can give you.

OK.

406.

406, eh?

- Yeah, follow me.
- OK.

406.
- 406.

Yep, that's on the second floor.

406 is on the second floor?

Has to be-- we ain't
got a fourth floor!

Hey, just a minute.

How about our bags?

Yeah.

Don't forget them.

[music playing]

This is it?

That's what it says--

406.

Oh, of course.

It's an instant room-- you
just have to add water, huh?

You'll find the water
pitcher over there.

Dad, I'd like
to dance with you,

but the floor is
a little crowded.

Boy, how about this?

This room's going to
bring back vaudeville.

All right.

So it isn't big and fancy.

What's the difference?

It's what we wanted.

We want to get away from
the rat race, right?

Yeah, it's great, huh?

You bet.

This is going to be wonderful.

Relax, rest.

Complete rest.

Man, I'm for that,
no autograph hounds.

Don't have to do any
jokes-- just lay right down

and rest a little.

Hey, Sophie Tucker slept here.

Bob, you're on again.

I can't kick the
habit too fast--

I get chills.

We can live without
telling jokes.

Let's learn to relax.
- All right.

And wait till you see what
I brought along-- things

we haven't done for years.
- No.

You'll have a lot of fun.

Look at this.

Dominoes.

And checkers.

And Parcheesi.

How about that.
- Oh, goody!

Yeah.

Did you bring a coloring book?

Will you stop complaining?

Now, come on, what
do you want to play?

It's a nice welcome
to the Grand Canyon.

You want to play Parcheesi
or checkers or what?

You like it down here, huh?

I love it.

Let's just stop with the jokes.

So far we haven't
been recognized,

and we won't be as
long as we remember

to wear these dark
glasses when we go out.

Do you understand?

Yeah, that's
fine for the eyes.

But what are you going to
do-- get a tent for your nose?

Hardy har har.

You should talk.

You should have swim fins that
go with that snorkel you got.

Who's talking?

I haven't seen a cone like
that since Cape Canaveral.

Say, it seems to
me you fellas look

like a couple of movie stars.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Guess I was wrong.

It was those dark
glasses that fooled me.

Oh ho ho ho!

Did we come to the
right place, or did we

come to the right place?

Oh, boy, we don't
even have to hide!

No glasses, no nothing--
just be ourselves!

Yes, sir.

He doesn't even know who we are!

Doesn't know who we are!

He doesn't know who we are?

[music playing]

Hi.

Oh, hi.

How was the walk?

Fine.

Anything exciting in town?

Yeah.

Everybody's lined up
down on Main Street

watching the cracks dry up.

I know.

You know, they get a
newspaper in this town?

No kidding.

Yeah, salesman left
one here three days ago.

You were out walking, huh?

Yeah.

Anybody recognize you?

Not a soul.

Same with me.

Isn't that wonderful?

BOB HOPE: Yeah.

Three days away from
show business, boy.

No jokes, no autographs.

Yeah, this is the
life, all right.

Yeah.

Wee!

Hey, Danny.

Huh?

Would you like my autograph?

I'll take yours
if you'll take mine.

Anything.

Let's just write.

Oh, Bob!

We're being silly.

You know, we're just silly.

Now, we came here
for peace and quiet--

to get away from the rat race--
and we've accomplished this.

So what are we squawking about?
- Yes.

This is the right
thing to do, isn't it?

- I guess so.
- You bet.

We didn't want to be recognized,
and we're not recognized.

Not a soul knows who we are,
and I think it's wonderful.

- Sure, it's great.
- Beautiful!

Sure.

[SINGING] Thanks for the
memory of rainy afternoons,

swingy Harlem tunes, motor
trips and burning lips

and burning toast and prunes.

How lovely it was!

What do you think happened
to me in Frisbie Falls?

There I was-- I was standing
right there, and I wanted to--

I-- Peasant!

Hey, you think this
guy is putting us on?

It just doesn't-- it
doesn't make sense

that he wouldn't know who I am.

I've been thinking about that.

Between us, we've made
hundreds of pictures

and television shows.

They couldn't have
missed them all-- not

even here in Frisbie Falls.

Yeah, I think old dad
there's having a little fun

with the city slickers.

I think I'll call him on it.

[bell ringing]

Hey, lum.

OK, bub, joke's over.

What say, Mr. Smith?

All right with
the Mr. Smith bit.

You can call me by my real name.

Oh, you ain't John Smith?

You know who I am.

Don't you ever go to the movies?

Only when they show
Helen Twelvetrees in them.

Oh, she's a dandy.

Sure is.

You are, too.

You-- you got a bad
memory, haven't you?

I'll give you a hint.

Where there's life, there's--

Uh, hope?

- That's it!
- That's your name?

Certainly!

Hope Smith?

Y--

[musical flourish]

[music playing]

Oh, hello.

I thought you fellas
would like to know

we're giving a big
show tonight-- a big

talent show at the auditorium.

- Show?
- Where?

Oh, yes.

Wh- wh- wh- where
are you giving a show?

Yep, and lots of big
prizes going to be up.

There's a show
here in this town?

- Oh, yes.
- Really?

Oh, it's the big, big
event of the spring.

No kidding?

Tell me about it.

Yes, it's an
annual amateur night

show sponsored by the Frisbee
Falls Chamber of Commerce.

Oh, I see.

Oh, it'll be an
evening to remember.

I'll bet.

Etta Jane [inaudible] going
to sing "Cheery Beery Beanie."

And [inaudible]---- he's going
to play his glockenspiel.

What do you know?

And, of course, I'll be
on hand with my duck calls.

Duck calls?

Yeah.

You're just saying
that to excite me.

Well, I thought you ought
to know about the show.

It's going to be one of
those real things that night.

Very nice of you to
let us know about it.

- [inaudible]
- Yes, sir.

Thank you very
much, Mr. Harland.

Yes, sir.

Say, uh, what time's
the show going to be?

- I'll see you.
- Yeah.

How about that
for Cornsville, huh?

Hey, I have a show.

That'd be kind of a nice story
to tell when I get back home--

tell the guys on Broadway, huh?

What do you mean?

I mean, like, if I were to
go on that show tonight-- just

for laughs, you understand.

I, I wouldn't accept
the prize or anything.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, cut, cut, cut.

What does your poor,
sick, Lebanese mind see me

doing while you're being noble
about accepting the prize?

Boy, I tell you,
you're-- you're such a ham.

I didn't say I was
going to go on,

and you're not going on either.

[duck call]

[applause]

I know you'd like an
encore, but we've got two

more entries to be heard from.

They're not local boys, so
let's show them that good old

Frisbee Falls hospitality.

All right?

And we'll start off with
the boy from New York--

I think-- I guess it's New York.

Oh, yes.

Amos Jones!

[applause]

Thank you very much.

That's a very good
duck call, Mr. Harland.

Thank you.
Thank you, sir.

Now, I brought my
own orchestra with me.

When I say OK, you just let her
spin on the record there, OK?

That's right.

OK, fine, swell.

Well, it's certainly a
distinct honor and pleasure

to be visiting Frisbie Falls.

I-- I happen to be a small
town boy myself, and I--

I love this kind of Americana.

As a matter of fact, one of
the funniest things that ever

happened in my whole life
happened in a small town

like Frisbie Falls.

It was during the summer.

I was driving my car,
and it was a hot day.

And man, I wanted a
cold drink so badly.

And I'm driving along,
and I see this farmhouse.

And I pull up, and
I knock on the door.

And a kindly old gent says, yep!

What can I do for you?

And I said, could I
have a drink, please?

He said, you've come
to the right place!

Come on in!

So I came on in,
and he brings out

a great big jug of moonshine.

And I said, no, no,
now hold it there.

I-- I don't want
any hard liquor.

I just want a cold drink.
He said, go on!

Take a slug of that--
made it myself.

I said, well, I don't
really care for it.

I-- I just want a
lemonade or something.

He said, you
insulting my liquor?

I said take a slug of it!

I said, but I don't want any!

He said, take a slug of it, or
I'll blow your dang head off!

And with that, he pulled
out a double barrel shotgun

and put it right in
my puss like that.

I said, all right,
don't get excited.

I'll drink it, I'll drink it.

And I slugged down
this corn liquor.

And-- ooh, I liked
to choke to death.

I said holy jump
up and sit down,

that is without
question the worst stuff

I ever tasted in my whole life!

He said, yeah, ain't it?

And he said-- he said,
come on, you hold a gun

on me while I take a drink!

[laughter and applause]
OK!

[inaudible]

[music playing]

[SINGING] From this moment
on, you for me, dear--

only two for tea, dear--

from this moment on.

From this happy day,
no more blue songs--

only whoop-dee-doo songs--
from this moment on.

Oh, you've got the
skin I love to touch.

You got the charms
I need so much.

You got the arms to hold me
tight-- got the sweet lips

to kiss me goodnight.

From this moment on,
you and I, babe--

we'll be flying high, babe.

Every care is gone
from this moment--

this happy moment--
from this moment on.

[applause]

Well, that wasn't bad.

Now, here's our last
contestant-- the boy

from way out west in, uh--

way out west, in,
uh, Los Angeles.

Here he is-- his
name is Hope Smith!

[applause]

Thank you, Andy Griffith.

I want to tell you, it's
been a pleasure watching

these amateurs perform--

they both show a lot of promise.

Especially the fellow
with the duck calls.

Duck calls-- I've laid
a few eggs myself,

but this is the first time I've
ever had anyone accompany me.

But I'm thrilled to be here.

And this is a wonderful
little town you have here--

sort of a U-turn with a mayor.

The first time I've ever
seen a compact town.

I wouldn't say this
town was small,

but both city limit signs
are on the same stick.

It's sure quiet here.

It's really quiet.

The Sheriff's car
doesn't have a siren--

it has a kazoo with a mute.

But I've been resting.

I've been yawning so much a
fly put a sign in my mouth,

visit the Mammoth Caves.

I asked someone where I could
find some excitement in town.

He said, the library-- there's
a new Nick Carter coming in.

And I want to tell you--
the hotel is very quaint,

I have a wonderful suite--
two rooms and a path.

And I, uh-- aw, you certainly
do have cold mornings--

I want to tell you.

It's really cold.

Last night it was so
cold, I fell out of bed

and broke my pajamas.

And I want to tell you,
it's wonderful to be

up here in the Northwoods.

I love it, because
I'm an outdoorsman.

I love the outdoors.

When I'm not indoors,
that's where you'll find me.

Just give me a home
where the Buffalo roam,

and I'll show you a
house full of mud.

I love this country.

I haven't been in the
woods since my parents

tried to lose me.

I love the outdoors.

I love fishing.

Give me a rod and a reel
and put me in a stream,

and I'll catch cold
as quickly as anybody.

I went fly fishing yesterday--
caught one this big.

Not the fish, the fly.

Oh, but isn't nature wonderful?

I love it.

It's really wonderful to get
out among the birds and the bees

and hear their side of it.

Now, we went hunting, and they
gave me some dog call pointers.

They were wonderful.

They'd run into the woods
till they found a bear-- then

they'd point at me.

They found one-- it
was a very old bear.

Didn't have a tooth
in his mouth--

they were all in my arm.

And the other day I went
moose hunting up here.

I came out with a moose call
it was so authentic it took

us two hours to unlock horns.

That's a hunting joke.

Keep hunting-- you'll find it.

Thank you very much.

[applause]

[musical flourish]

[musical flourish]

[applause]

[slightly longer applause]

[longer applause]

[longer still]

All righty.

And now for your
last contestant--

yours truly.

[uproarious applause]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Don't feel bad, boys.

I didn't win my
first time either.

[musical flourish]

[music playing]